00:01I found out I was straight in high school
00:08My parents got divorced when I was 7 days old
00:10Like most kids my first word was mama
00:13But my next 5 words told me to tell you
00:16I know not all of you can relate to my divorce jokes
00:19But you will someday
00:21And a lot of people think that certainly by 36
00:23You should stop blaming all your problems on your parents
00:26Well riddle me this
00:28If you were in a building with a fucked up foundation
00:30Would you feel safer on the 36th floor?
00:34You know that phrase?
00:36Comparison is the thief of joy
00:37My actor friend, he's kind of intense
00:39He got it tattooed
00:40Comparison is the thief of joy
00:42And I'm really thinking about getting the same tattoo
00:45But bigger
00:46And if he gets mad at me I'll be like
00:50Comparison is the thief
00:55I used to be a theater kid
00:56But you could all tell
00:58A 5, 6, 7, 8
01:00They said we need to put a stop to this straggot
01:04I was like finally a slur of my own
01:08You ever try talking a friend out of killing themselves
01:10And realize you don't have any good arguments?
01:18Listen some of these jokes are going to be disrespectful
01:19To people who have actually taken their own lives
01:21But none of them are here tonight
01:22So I want you to just enjoy it
01:23Okay
01:25Thank you
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