00:00Well, on the topic of A's, by the way, can I just say, f**k AI. F**k AI. F**k AI.
00:12Congratulations on being the last generation of Harvard grads with straight A's.
00:18You're telling me for the last 200 years or whatever the f**k,
00:24everyone at Harvard was a bunch of dumbasses with inflated grades
00:29and nobody noticed.
00:33I don't know what's dumber, that all your grades have been inflated
00:37or that the professors here just voted to stop inflating your grades.
00:42Do you know how stupid that is?
00:45You do realize the more A's you hand out, the better everyone looks.
00:51I can't believe I have to explain this to you guys.
00:53Didn't you guys go to Harvard?
01:00What kind of goody two-shoes professors do you have up here?
01:05No wonder President Trump's trying to destroy you.
01:10I just noticed there's a sign language guy who has the sign President Trump trying to destroy you.
01:15Don't worry sign language guy, it gets worse.
01:21Anyway, so no one here has good grades anymore, but good news, good grades don't even matter anymore anyway.
01:28Welcome to the real world graduates, where social media followers are the new GPA.
01:35These days you can't even be a barista in Brooklyn with less than 10,000 IG followers.
01:40And if you don't like that system, well take it out with Harvard alumni Mark Zuckerberg.
01:46Well on the topic of A's, by the way, can I just say,
01:51Fuck A.I.
01:54Fuck A.I.
01:56Fuck A.I.
01:57Fuck A.I.
02:13Fuck it, fuck it to death, alright?
02:15What's the sign language sign for that?
02:19Good, good to know.
02:24It's stupid.
02:25It's so stupid.
02:26Have you tried using it?
02:27It's always wrong.
02:29Like I asked A.I. what's the fastest way to get from New York City to Harvard,
02:33and it told me to take Flixbus.
02:36I'm a movie star.
02:40Hello, I don't take the bus.
02:42A seller only.
02:46I mean, do you even know what A.I. is saying about Harvard?
02:50The garbage that A.I. is spouting about you guys.
02:53A.I. says that Harvard has a $56.9 billion endowment,
02:57and that the Harvard Graduate Students Union is on strike to try to get a livable wage increase to $25
03:02an hour.
03:03There's no way that's true.
03:07I mean, that's ridiculous.
03:15How bad are these A.I. hallucinations getting?
03:20Look, a lot of other respected graduation speakers and colleges around America are talking about you guys needing to master
03:27A.I. for the future.
03:28Okay?
03:29I'm here to tell you the mission of your generation is to destroy A.I.
03:35Kill it!
03:36To accomplish this, you'll have to capture and reprogram an A.I. to be on the side of humanity.
03:42Then commandeer its own time-traveling technology.
03:45Send it back to the past to defeat the current A.I. before it gains sentience.
03:50This isn't just graduation day.
03:52This is Terminator 2 Judgment Day.
03:56And I know, I know that someone's sitting out here right now who's just like,
03:59well, you know, what about the use of A.I. to pioneer breakthroughs in medicine and physics?
04:03Well, first of all, shut up, nerd.
04:07I'm not talking about that.
04:11Obviously, if you're using it for that purpose, you're not the problem.
04:14Okay?
04:15I'm talking about the accumulation of cognitive debt due to excessive use of large language models,
04:20according to a study by MIT published in 2025 in archive.
04:24That's right.
04:25MIT.
04:28MIT did that study.
04:31I guess you guys were too busy giving each other A's.
04:36Feel free to boo MIT, by the way.
04:39And A.I.
04:41And yourselves, I guess.
04:45Look, this is actually good news.
04:47Okay?
04:48This is why you guys shouldn't be scared of A.I.
04:50Because I think A.I. is just going to end up making mediocre people dumber.
04:55Have you heard how dumb people brag about how they use A.I.?
04:58They're always like, hey, did you know that A.I. can now read my email, summarize it, and draft a
05:02response?
05:04Yeah, you know who else can do that?
05:05Me.
05:07I can do that.
05:08You can't do that?
05:09How useless are you?
05:12You need artificial intelligence just to match me?
05:15I'm a dumbass who couldn't get into Harvard.
05:18And from what I can see, getting an actual advantage from A.I. in the future will require a minimum
05:24escape velocity of intelligence
05:27that I'm assuming you guys from Harvard have.
05:30Everyone else who can't match that is just going to get dumber.
05:33And that's when you run up the score on them.
05:36Assuming we still have a functioning society, of course.
05:39But to run up the score, you're going to have to master your craft.
05:43Okay?
05:44And A.I. can be the fuel, but fuel is useless if you can't kindle the fire.
05:50For example, I recently used A.I. to use regression analysis to prove that a certain race of people are
05:56mathematically terrible at sports.
05:58I won't say which race, but thank you for not inviting Hasan Minhaj to Harvard.
06:05My point is, learning the fundamentals still matter.
06:08If I didn't know what a regression analysis was, and if I wasn't fundamentally racist, would I have been able
06:14to do any of that?
06:16No.
06:19Untalented people love bragging about using A.I. to help them draft their speeches and their scripts and their podcasts
06:26and their promo videos for UFC fights at the White House.
06:30Which, to be fair, even if they had filmed that for real, it would still have looked like A.I.
06:36But what they're missing is this.
06:38The creating is the fun part.
06:42The best part of comedy writing is figuring out the puzzle pieces of a joke and getting the self-regard
06:48from having accomplished a difficult thing.
06:51Why? Feel free to not applaud that, you freaking traitors to humanity.
06:57Why would I want A.I. to take that away from me?
07:01You know what problem I want A.I. to solve?
07:03I want the problem of A.I. making everything look like shit.
07:08I want A.I. to solve that problem.
07:10How about that?
07:10Or how about, can A.I. take away the pot of comedy writing where my TV pilot gets passed on
07:15and when I ask if I can pitch it to someone else,
07:17the network says we don't want it but we also don't want anyone else to have it?
07:20We just want you to be sad?
07:23Can A.I. solve that?
07:26I recently tried to introduce my friend to Buddhism through a book called Buddhism Made Simple.
07:32It was literally a book about Buddhism Made Simple.
07:36And instead of reading it, he used A.I. to summarize it in 10 seconds.
07:42Believe it or not, he didn't reach enlightenment.
07:46Turns out speed running Buddhism is completely missing the point.
07:51And I know this platitude is almost worthy of A.I.
07:54But the reason shortcuts to skip to the end aren't always good is because the journey isn't just how we
08:03acquire skills.
08:04The journey is the point of all this.
08:08It is!
08:16It turns out maybe the real Harvard was the friends we made along the way.
08:22Look, I know this won't apply to everyone's industry, okay?
08:25But I'm just saying whatever your chosen profession is, please don't let A.I. rob you of the fun part
08:31of it.
08:32I think your generation's upcoming battle won't be humans against A.I.
08:37That's at least two months away.
08:41It's gonna be people with substance versus people with shallow knowledge.
08:48It's gonna be mastery versus faking it.
08:51It's gonna be people with good taste versus tacky.
08:55I trust you will put in the work necessary to be on the right side of those battles.
09:09And anytime you want to hand a degree over, Dean, that'll be really nice.
09:13Now, you might be worried about the job market you're entering.
09:16But don't worry.
09:17There are jobs now that exist that we couldn't have imagined when I graduated.
09:22And it's gonna be the same for you.
09:24For example, when I graduated 17 years ago, I didn't know posting photos of my feet could be a full
09:30-time job.
09:32And in another 17 years, it might be the only job.
09:37So let me try to speak your language here, okay?
09:40Because I know you guys low-key see me as some cooked ankh now.
09:44But good.
09:45I am an ankh.
09:47I am an ankh.
09:50Listen to the ankh.
09:52Here's the ankh fire advice portion of this speech.
09:57Make sure your offline world is better than your online one.
10:05If that wasn't obvious, remember the flaws.
10:13Hug your parents.
10:15When someone invites you to a private sex island, always say no.
10:21Always.
10:24Create more than you complain.
10:27Being, I lost track, I can't even count my fingers.
10:31That's how bad my cognitive decline is.
10:34Being cynical or contrarian is not an indication of intelligence.
10:39You will not be able to outperform an index fund.
10:48Make your mistakes.
10:51I want you guys to look to your left and look to your right, right now.
10:56Remember these faces.
10:58Some of you will be evil.
11:02Some of you will be evil people who just want a ton of money.
11:10I just turned 40.
11:12Let me tell you.
11:13Money isn't everything.
11:16It's only good for buying comfort, necessities, peace of mind and self-worth.
11:24But guess what?
11:25Making money is easy in America.
11:28It's easy.
11:29You can tell dick jokes on TV.
11:31You can run a crypto scam.
11:32You can storm the capital and get a payout from the government.
11:37In fact, I'll prove it to you.
11:38Watch this.
11:39Which camera is it?
11:40This camera?
11:40All right.
11:42Hey, this speech at Harvard is brought to you by Panda Express.
11:48Panda Express.
11:50Have you eaten yet?
11:55Do you see that?
11:57I just paid for my kids' Harvard tuition.
12:04I'm just kidding.
12:05I hope they can go to Yale.
12:12My point is...
12:14Shut up.
12:14My point is...
12:18You guys are in the same gang anyway.
12:20What are you booing for?
12:20You're gonna...
12:21You're gonna take over Paramount and fire everybody.
12:25My point is...
12:27It's too real.
12:28It was too real.
12:29Sorry, Dean.
12:32My point is...
12:33Money is like too easy for you guys.
12:36It's...
12:37We say this to kids all the time.
12:39You can be anything you want.
12:40You guys are from Harvard.
12:42You actually can do anything you want.
12:45You can be anything you want.
12:52Subscribe to One India and never miss an update.
12:57Download the One India app now.
12:59We'll see you next time.
13:01We'll see you next time.
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