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FunTranscript
00:00Shout out to all the teachers that told me I'd never make it.
00:04I just like to repeat stuff that rappers say.
00:07Like, that makes me feel good.
00:09But my teachers, legit, did not believe in me.
00:11Like, I went to a Muslim school.
00:13Like, I went to an Islamic private school,
00:15and I told them that I wanted to do comedy,
00:17and they'd never even heard of that.
00:19So they're just like, no.
00:24You want people to laugh at Muslims?
00:27I was like, yeah, kinda, yeah.
00:33I had another teacher who was also the Imam.
00:36He was, like, the religious leader,
00:37and he found out that I wanted to do comedy,
00:38and he took me aside in, like, a private moment,
00:41and he said, you want to be a funny guy, huh?
00:44You think this life is funny, my friend?
00:46Fun and games?
00:48When you see the power of Allah
00:51on the Day of Judgment,
00:53brother, you will not be laughing.
00:58And I was just like...
01:00I'm still gonna do it.
01:02I'm still...
01:03It made me want to do it even more
01:04so that I could be like all the rappers
01:05that I looked up to, you know?
01:07Like, I did have teachers that did believe in me,
01:10but that's not good for my narrative,
01:11so I like to just focus...
01:15I was listening to a Meek Mill song one time,
01:17and in the middle of the song,
01:18Meek Mill goes,
01:18to the teachers that said,
01:19I wouldn't make it here,
01:20I spend a day with you, make a year.
01:23And I heard that, and I was like,
01:24I'm gonna flex just like that
01:26as soon as I get on,
01:27and then I became a comedian,
01:28and it's good.
01:32A little hard to flex, though,
01:34to be honest with you.
01:35Like, what could I even say
01:36to the teachers that said,
01:37I wouldn't make it here?
01:38I'll make a year what you make a year.
01:40Like, that doesn't sound as good.
01:44You didn't believe in me,
01:45and now we're roommates, dumbass.
01:47Good job.
01:49Yeah.
01:50He told me I was gonna starve
01:51in front of the whole class.
01:52I remember.
01:53He said, you want to be a comedian?
01:55You're going to be very hungry, my friend.
01:57And I wish he could see me now,
01:58be like, bro, I've never been hungry
01:59a single day in my life,
02:01because I still live with my parents, asshole.
02:02Did you think about that?
02:03No, you didn't.
02:06I'm never hungry.
02:06My mom cuts me fruit all the time.
02:10And then she brings it into my room,
02:11because she has zero boundaries.
02:13She just walks right in.
02:18My mom's sick, man.
02:19She's a, you know,
02:20she's a Muslim woman.
02:22She wears a hijab.
02:23I don't look very Muslim,
02:24like, just off look,
02:25so nobody ever bothers me about it, you know?
02:27She wears a hijab.
02:28She looks Muslim all the time.
02:30One time, she told me a story.
02:35Yeah, it's like a Halloween costume.
02:37She looks Muslim all the time, you know?
02:41So, one time she told me that, uh,
02:43she was driving around,
02:44and a guy pulled up next to her in traffic
02:45and saw that she was wearing the hijab,
02:46and he, like, flipped her off,
02:47and then he, like, followed her
02:49in his car for a while.
02:50And I was, like, terrified
02:51when she told me this.
02:52I didn't want to ask her this question,
02:53but I asked her, I was like,
02:54Mom, have you ever, like,
02:55thought about taking off your hijab?
02:58And she was like,
02:59Malik, I would rather die a martyr
03:01than let those people change me.
03:03I was like, all right, Tupac.
03:05Fucking relax.
03:06Jesus.
03:07Chill out.
03:08Don't talk like that.
03:10Don't wish a motherfucker would.
03:12That's exactly the opposite of what I wanted.
03:14She's nuts.
03:15Crazy talk.
03:17But I was proud of her.
03:18Like, I don't want her to change anything about herself,
03:20but I want her to be safe,
03:21so it's like, what do we do here?
03:22You know, like, something's gotta change.
03:24Society is not gonna change,
03:25so it's like, we gotta figure something out.
03:26What I'm thinking of doing is coming out
03:29with a line of hate-crime-proof hijabs
03:31that my mom can wear.
03:34Completely hate-crime-proof, okay?
03:36First one, I'm thinking standard,
03:39just Confederate flag hijab.
03:42Cause, listen, that's gonna short-circuit.
03:45Nobody's gonna know what to do
03:47when they see that.
03:49Next time some guy pulls up next to my mom in traffic,
03:51he's gonna be like,
04:01She got us.
04:04She wore the piece of cloth that we like.
04:08This is another one.
04:09This is a prototype.
04:10I don't know if it's ready for the streets just yet,
04:12but all white hijab,
04:14but just a little bit pointy in the back.
04:16Just a little bit pointy.
04:18Not all the way, but just deceptively pointy.
04:22Just for some peace of mind.
04:32I am looking for peace of mind, man.
04:34I've been going to a therapist for four years.
04:37I think it's a scam.
04:39At least I don't have a good therapist.
04:41Cause I didn't get referred by a doctor.
04:44I just went online.
04:45I just Googled help.
04:48Please.
04:49Please help.
04:52And then it took me to a website.
04:53And on the website,
04:54it was like,
04:54Write out a list of your problems
04:55so we can use that to like match you up.
04:58And I was like,
04:58Alright.
04:59And I selected anxiety.
05:00Cause that's what I was...
05:01That's what I was having.
05:02And then it was like,
05:03Write out the anxiety.
05:04Explain what that feels like
05:05so that we can use that
05:06to better match you up to somebody.
05:07And I was like,
05:08It's anxiety.
05:08It's not gonna make sense.
05:09I was like,
05:11Okay.
05:12I'm not as good of a Muslim
05:14as I was raised to be.
05:16But I still feel like a good person.
05:18You know?
05:19And it's...
05:19I feel conflicted.
05:20Cause in school,
05:21they taught us that everything is written
05:23before we're even born.
05:24Like all my decisions are made for me.
05:26So it's like,
05:26Am I just doomed to make these mistakes
05:28that God wrote for me?
05:30Like...
05:31Like what if Allah judges me unfairly?
05:34And then I submitted that.
05:39And then they were like,
05:40You should talk to Helen about this.
05:42Helen...
05:43Helen's good for shit like this.
05:45She's...
05:46She's on top of it.
05:47Trust me.
05:47And I was like,
05:48Helen? Are you even listening to me?
05:50What is Helen gonna do?
05:51You couldn't have brought me
05:52like a Dr. Mahmoud El Shabazz,
05:54somebody to just tell me to pray?
05:56Brother, your life is haram.
05:58Of course you feel terrible.
06:00At least he understands.
06:02What's...
06:03I'm gonna be in a meeting with Helen.
06:04She's gonna be like,
06:04Tell me more about this Allah character.
06:07He...
06:08Sounds toxic.
06:09I...
06:10I mean, why would you hang out
06:11with a guy like that?
06:13Who is he to judge you?
06:14And I'm like,
06:15Well, he's actually...
06:15He's the only one who can, so...
06:22And that's my therapist, Helen.
06:23I've been with Helen for about four years.
06:25That's...
06:25And we get into arguments.
06:27Like, I'll fight with Helen
06:28because, like, she just tries too much.
06:30Like, too new age of ideas.
06:31It's not practical.
06:32This is when I knew, like,
06:33I have to find someone else
06:34is when she asked me
06:36what my astrological sign was
06:38in the middle of a...
06:39Like, my therapist
06:40was like,
06:41What's your star sign?
06:42I was like, Helen, come on.
06:43We can't both be mentally ill,
06:45you know?
06:46It's gotta be...
06:49We're just two crazy people
06:50yelling at each other now.
06:51We don't need to be in an office.
06:57She's like,
06:57You're an Aries.
06:58And I was like,
06:58You're good, Helen.
06:59You're good.
07:01You can stay.
07:04Yeah, I'm working on, you know...
07:06Because I get angry a lot,
07:07so I'm trying to figure out, like,
07:08what's good...
07:09What's the right thing to get angry about?
07:10Because I'll, like...
07:11You know, there's stuff
07:11that's, like, not worth it
07:12to get angry about.
07:13Like, it's just...
07:15This is when I realized
07:16I had to stop doing it.
07:17It was when, um...
07:18Kyrie Irving got in trouble.
07:19When Kyrie got in trouble,
07:21that was big.
07:22Because, like...
07:22Because he was, like,
07:23my favorite basketball player.
07:24He's one of the best basketball players
07:25of this generation.
07:26And he...
07:27Yeah, he got in trouble
07:28because he shared
07:28an anti-Semitic documentary
07:30on his Twitter.
07:31It was wild.
07:32Like, he, you know...
07:33Like, in the documentary,
07:34like, denied the Holocaust.
07:35It was, like, nuts.
07:36And, like, they wanted to
07:37kick him out of the NBA,
07:38and I agreed.
07:39I'm like, this is bullshit.
07:39There's no place for that.
07:40But then I caught myself
07:42in the middle of it,
07:43and I was like, wait a second.
07:43Why am I even mad at this guy?
07:45A year before this,
07:46he said he thought
07:46the Earth was flat.
07:50Like, if a guy tells you
07:51that he thinks the Earth is flat,
07:53don't ask him about the Jews.
07:55Like, what are you doing?
07:58What did you think
07:58he was gonna say?
08:02If you walked in on your girlfriend
08:03cheating on you,
08:04you don't need to be like,
08:05let me see your phone.
08:09Unlock your phone.
08:09I can see.
08:10The way this guy's hitting it
08:11from the back,
08:11you're lying.
08:12I can tell.
08:15There's no woke flat earthers.
08:17There's never been...
08:18There's nobody who's like,
08:19the Earth is flat,
08:19but, you know,
08:20I love everybody on it.
08:22We're all doing our best
08:23on this frisbee ride
08:24in space, man.
08:27That's traveling upwards
08:28to simulate gravity.
08:29We're all doing our best,
08:30and we gotta pay attention,
08:31because it's heating up.
08:32The disc is heating up.
08:36And the water's gonna rise.
08:38It's gonna pour off the sides.
08:39You gotta be careful.
08:41People don't usually
08:41double up on causes like that.
08:43They're like,
08:43the Earth is flat,
08:44and there's too many Filipinos on it,
08:45and it's gonna tip over
08:47if we don't find the edge
08:48that the Jews are hiding from us
08:50and push the...
08:51Like, who cares?
08:52He's a basketball player.
08:53It doesn't...
08:57He's not making the rules.
09:01Kanye was the same thing.
09:02That was tough for me
09:03when Kanye got in trouble,
09:04because I've been a Kanye apologist
09:06my whole life.
09:08Every time Kanye said something stupid,
09:10I was always the guy
09:10in the back of the room
09:11being like,
09:11just wait for the album, bro.
09:12Like, you don't even...
09:13You don't get it.
09:14He's in the future.
09:15You wouldn't even...
09:16You're not an artist.
09:17How could you get it?
09:21And then he was like,
09:21I'm gonna go Def Con 3
09:22on the Jews,
09:23and I was like,
09:25this better be a good album.
09:30This sounds like the past,
09:31yeah, to be honest with you.
09:37My family's from Lebanon.
09:39You know, I'm from Canada.
09:40Like, I'm raised in Canada.
09:41But my mom raised over in Lebanon.
09:43She tells me wild stories
09:44about what that was like for her.
09:45In 1982, Israel invaded Lebanon.
09:49So my mom grew up with, like,
09:51Israeli tanks rolling through her village,
09:53like, they used to come into the house
09:55and do check stops all the time.
09:57It's a crazy way to grow up.
09:58One day,
10:00the Israeli military fired a missile
10:02at my grandma's house.
10:04And it broke through the wall
10:05and just landed inside
10:07and just spun out.
10:08And they just all had to, like,
10:10just didn't explode.
10:12The missile just did not go off.
10:14And they all just had to, like,
10:15back away from the missile
10:16and just, like, pray
10:17that nothing happened.
10:18And then the Israeli military
10:20just came and, like, scooped it up.
10:21They're like, sorry about that.
10:22And then they just...
10:23and left.
10:29But if that missile went off,
10:31I would have never existed.
10:32Like, my whole family
10:32would have been vapor.
10:33I wouldn't be here
10:35talking to you guys right now.
10:38So I still listen to Kanye sometimes.
10:41You know?
10:41Like, I feel that's fair.
10:50Bro, when I woke up today and saw the news,
10:54I was like, my taping!
11:01You guys are dope proud.
11:03That's good.
11:03That's good.
11:04Thank God.
11:06Bro, I swear, if I'm lucky.
11:07Bro, my luck,
11:08Kanye's gonna drop tonight.
11:09He's gonna drop the most racist album
11:11you've ever heard.
11:19So this is the first year of me doing stand-up
11:21where I've gotten to, like, travel a lot.
11:23And it's been very fun.
11:24It's a lot of travel.
11:25I'm not complaining.
11:26But it's, you know, it's a lot.
11:27So I'm trying to, like, figure out
11:28how to streamline that experience.
11:30Because something would always go wrong.
11:31I would lose my boarding pass or something.
11:33And then I would be in the, like, the line
11:35fumbling with my email, holding it up.
11:37So I started doing this thing
11:38where I'd make my phone background
11:39my boarding pass
11:40just so it'd be easy to scan in real quick.
11:43But I also do this thing
11:44where sometimes before I come on stage
11:45is I make my phone background
11:46like a list of my jokes
11:48just so it's easy for me to reference.
11:49Just, like, one or two words to remind me.
11:52And I forgot to switch it.
11:54And I just went to get on the plane.
11:55I just showed, like, a nice lady
11:57that works at the airport
11:58a list that said,
11:58Islamic school, prove them all wrong.
12:05Bulletproof hijab.
12:07My therapist is the crazy one.
12:11And is real payback.
12:16And I was just sitting there like,
12:17Oh, no, no, no.
12:22I just, I think that stuff's funny.
12:26Thank you guys very much.
12:39Hey, CLS.
12:40Welcome back.
12:41Hello, San Su.
12:41Go check here,
12:41Good going.
12:42See ya hastysle.
12:43I go on for it.
12:43Tired this story.
12:43As long as you were the same.
12:43i had some boot groups.
12:43Goodbye.
12:44PLEDI,
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