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  • 19 hours ago
Smoggie Queens S02E01-2
Transcript
00:02When I hold you, baby, will your heart be close to me?
00:14I want to stay in your arms forever, only love can set you free.
00:48Hey Stuart, hey you're homosexual now, good on ya lad, thank you.
01:02Hey, I've heard you go Stuart, I'm made up for your pet, I hope you get yourself a bit
01:07of bum fun.
01:08Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, only love can set you free.
01:20Hello?
01:24Hello?
01:27That's weird.
01:33Keith?
01:36Keith?
01:41Surprise!
01:44Happy coming out party Stuart!
01:46Happy coming out party Stuart!
01:46Happy coming out party Stuart!
01:48Ow!
01:49Ow!
01:52Ow!
01:53Yay!
01:56Why?
01:57When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
02:07How's she got me eye cheek?
02:09It's a bit sore to be honest ma'am.
02:11Why didn't you just look out the way of the cock Stuart?
02:13Not really sure.
02:14I've never known someone with such piss poor reflexes.
02:17Hey, remember Janice who drove over her husband in that hit and run?
02:19Oh yeah.
02:20Well I went to her 50th a couple of months ago, someone popped a champagne cork right
02:24into her ear.
02:25I was stuck in there for a week apparently.
02:27She can't catch a break can she Janice?
02:29Do you remember when she got wages done to that caravan at her engagement party poor cow?
02:34Oh for fuck's sake, the consecutive went all over the floor, thanks very much Stuart.
02:39Now we've got no booze.
02:40Hang on, I might have something in my office.
02:43Be hobby.
02:44God for that.
02:45Hiya lads.
02:46Sorry I'm late.
02:47Hiya Sal.
02:48Where have you been chick?
02:49I get to pick up Andrea.
02:50Who the fuck's Andrea?
02:52Oh.
02:53Oh hello little rabbit.
02:55Nice to meet you.
02:55You know Mel who played guitar for me at Pride?
02:58Yeah.
02:58Lovely Mel.
02:59She's popped in Mallorca for a week so I said I'd look after a rabbit.
03:02Right.
03:03Who wants a drink?
03:05Oh yeah.
03:06What is it Keith?
03:07Homebrew.
03:08I've fermented it meself.
03:10Oh how long for?
03:1137 years.
03:13There you go.
03:14Right.
03:14There.
03:16Would your little rabbit friend like a drink?
03:18Nah she's too tall Keith.
03:20There you go son.
03:21For my brave little gay warrior.
03:24We're all so proud of you.
03:26I mean physically you might be very very small and terribly weak.
03:31But mentally you are the biggest strongest person I know.
03:35Can't become an out party steward.
03:36Right well.
03:37I would just like to raise a glass and say congratulations on becoming a homosexual steward.
03:43You know it takes a brave man to admit he likes to put another man's testicle in his mouth.
03:49Well I don't necessarily.
03:52To Stuart.
03:53To Stuart.
03:56Stuart.
03:56Oh.
03:58Here Stuart.
03:59Down it.
04:00Down it.
04:01Down it.
04:02Down it.
04:03Down it.
04:04Down it.
04:05Down it.
04:06Down it.
04:06Down it.
04:07Down it.
04:07Down it.
04:07Woo.
04:09Trishly is that the time?
04:11Well I'd better get the shop open.
04:12Down it.
04:14Oh my god.
04:14That is fucking dire.
04:17No I can't.
04:18Oh that is bloody lovely.
04:23Good morning carpet lovers.
04:25You've come at exactly the right time because we've got some cracking deals on our carpets
04:30today.
04:31So please.
04:32Come through.
04:33There you go lads.
04:35Alright.
04:35Hello.
04:37Hey come on.
04:38Hey.
04:38Now listen.
04:38Them carpets won't bite you you know.
04:40Haha.
04:41There.
04:42Oh mate.
04:43You are?
04:44Yeah do you want to come up mate?
04:45We've got a shirt on.
04:46You are mate.
04:47You are?
04:47You can't be too shaky.
04:49Come over here and say that you dickhead.
04:54What sort of things does Andrea eat hun?
04:56Can she have a jammy dodger?
04:57Nah I think it's just lettuce and that.
04:59Oh poor Andrea.
05:01I'd shoot myself in the face if I couldn't eat jammy dodgers.
05:03Where is Andrea chick?
05:05What do you mean?
05:06I mean where is Andrea?
05:08I'm not really sure how else to say it to be honest.
05:11Well Shazia?
05:14No.
05:16That's strange.
05:18Andrea?
05:20What are you going to do lads?
05:22I can't lose Andrea.
05:23Mel's going to kill me.
05:24Andrea!
05:27Well don't worry chicks you can't have gone far.
05:29Especially with those big stupid ears.
05:31You see this is the reason I don't keep livestock.
05:35Andrea?
05:35Andrea.
05:36Andrea.
05:36Andrea.
05:37Andrea.
05:38Andrea!
05:38Andrea!
05:41Yeah?
05:42Oh sorry not you.
05:46Okay.
05:47Plan.
05:48We are going to split off the separate search parties.
05:51Lucinda, Neil and Sal.
05:53You are going to form one team.
05:55Stuart and Dickie.
05:56You are going to come with me.
05:57Right.
05:58Let's find Andrea.
05:59Yay!
06:02You know it's funny isn't it?
06:04What's funny hon?
06:05We are all about to go on a search party for Andrea the Rabbit.
06:09But we are also on a constant search party.
06:12Life?
06:14The fuck are you on about Neil?
06:21Okay.
06:21Let's go find Andrea.
06:23Yay!
06:23Yay!
06:30Greetings carpet lovers.
06:31I'm Keith from Keith's World of Carpets.
06:33And I'm crackers about carpets me.
06:35Let me guess.
06:36Your beautiful but overpowering wives.
06:39I've sent you here to buy some thick sturdy carpet.
06:43Am I right or am I right?
06:44We don't have wives.
06:46We're actually a couple.
06:47Oh I see.
06:48Oh Christ.
06:50Me gear down must be malfunctioning.
06:51Still no worries.
06:52Because here at Keith's World of Carpets.
06:54You can be as homosexual as you want to be.
06:57Yeah.
06:57In fact.
06:58We're hosting a coming out party today.
06:59For a tiny little gay fella that works here.
07:02Now.
07:03What is it you two penis enthusiasts are looking for?
07:06Carpets.
07:06Keith.
07:07Well you've come to the right place.
07:09Follow me.
07:09And I will show you my carpet wonderland.
07:15I've just remembered.
07:16I've got a sail on today.
07:19Right.
07:19Let's get stuck in.
07:20Howie lads.
07:23Andrea.
07:24Andrea.
07:26Andrea.
07:27Andrea.
07:28Does anyone else feel a bit light headed from Keith's drink?
07:32I wouldn't know chick.
07:34Couldn't keep it down.
07:35God awful stuff.
07:36Andrea.
07:37Andrea.
07:38Andrea.
07:39Andrea.
07:40Andrea.
07:40Howie Andrea you silly knobhead.
07:42Why the hell anyone would want to own a frigging rabbit is beyond me.
07:46Ugly gormless big-eared twats.
07:48Oh.
07:49That reminds me.
07:50I need to pay Dickie back for those Metallica tickets.
07:52You what?
07:53Oh.
07:53Oh.
07:54I forgot you were with us.
07:56No, no.
07:56I was just saying I need to transfer over the money for that Metallica concert we went to.
08:00Hang on though.
08:01What did you mean by that reminds me?
08:04Huh?
08:04You were talking about Andrea the rabbit and how gormlessly ugly she was.
08:08What is it about ugly gormless Andrea that reminded you of me?
08:12Oh.
08:13It's nothing.
08:13Just ignore me.
08:14I'm going to do this you old cowboy.
08:16No.
08:16Come on.
08:17Well I just think you have certain qualities about you that sometimes resemble a rabbit.
08:22Jogging on you?
08:23It's only little things.
08:24Like what?
08:25Well your teeth, your nose and your eyes.
08:26That's basically my whole face.
08:28I can't actually believe I'm hearing this.
08:30I mean I've been called names before but never a frigging rabbit.
08:33Stuart.
08:34Do you think I look like a rabbit?
08:37Hmm?
08:38Do you think I look like a rabbit?
08:50You know guys, I really do feel a sense of responsibility now.
08:55And I know it sounds weird but I almost feel like the hand of destiny is guiding me down
09:03a new path to help other people in the queer community.
09:07Get over yourself Stuart you annoying little rat.
09:10What?
09:11Oh no!
09:15You're kidding me!
09:17What's the matter?
09:21Come on baby yeah.
09:24The matter is so, so good.
09:26Oh yeah.
09:29I love you man.
09:32You're kidding me.
09:34Oh yeah.
09:35That's what I'm talking about.
09:36Oh yeah.
09:38That's what I'm talking about.
09:39Oh.
09:40Sorry to intrude Keith.
09:41I need you to find a place to hide.
09:43All right.
09:44Well then you'll be my guest.
09:46Who is it ma'am?
09:48Paula.
09:49Paula Radcliffe?
09:50Hey if that Radcliffe bitch is here again, scrounged with free carpet samples, I will swear
09:54to God I'll-
09:55No.
09:55Not Paula Radcliffe.
09:57Paula.
09:58My ex-wife.
09:58What?
09:59Your ex-wife is here but I thought you said she'd move to Burris in Edmunds.
10:03She did.
10:04I've got no idea why she's back.
10:06But if she's here, maybe that means he's here.
10:11Who?
10:12Ed.
10:13Ed Miliband?
10:14Ed Miliband is here again.
10:17Not Ed Miliband.
10:18My son.
10:19Ed.
10:20Ed.
10:20Ah yeah.
10:21Makes more sense.
10:22I can't believe this is happening.
10:23I think I'm going to friggin hyperventilate.
10:26Right.
10:26I've got a plan.
10:28Me and Stuart will go over and try and eavesdrop on the conversation.
10:30If she says anything about Ed or why she's back in Borough, we'll let you know.
10:35I'm with Stuart.
10:37Send away!
10:41I need to get out of here Keith.
10:44Can you take me through the back door?
10:47I can get you out of here ma'am.
10:50But it ain't gonna be easy.
10:54Then you sprinkle about 125 grams of mozzarella on top and then pop it in the oven for about 45
10:59minutes
10:59until it's a deep golden colour on top and crispy raw on the edges.
11:02And that is the best way to cook a beef lasagna from scratch.
11:05I don't remember anyone asking you how to cook a beef lasagna from scratch, Neil.
11:08How has Andrea just disappeared at this dinner?
11:11Don't stress hon, we'll find her. She can't have gone far.
11:13I mean just how big is this place anyway?
11:15The size of two football pitches.
11:17How the hell do you know that?
11:19I've got freakishly good spatial awareness.
11:21And to be honest, my depth perception's second to none.
11:23I mean I never need to measure a room when I buy new furniture.
11:26Oh, Neil's the opposite.
11:27He can't get enough of measuring.
11:28He owns 28 tape measures, don't you Neil?
11:32Neil?
11:33Neil!
11:35Where the bloody hell did Neil go?
11:41Andrea!
11:43Andrea!
11:46This is like a bloody rabbit hole.
11:50Andrea!
11:50Nooo!
11:55That's it Keith.
11:56I made it out of the air vent.
11:58What now?
11:59Right.
12:00Now shimmy towards that roll of monty grey carpet and squat down behind it.
12:03But a warning.
12:04Paula is very close.
12:06So how is that one different to that one?
12:08You'll see a man all come.
12:10Open it.
12:12Climb it.
12:13Bloody hell!
12:19I never noticed the softness of Keith's carpet.
12:23Shut up, Stuart.
12:23I can't hear what you're saying.
12:24Sorry Dickie.
12:25I mean...
12:26I can't believe how soft they are.
12:28We need to get closer.
12:30I remember getting the carpet here years ago.
12:32Must have been 1993.
12:35The place hasn't changed a bit, has it?
12:37I wouldn't know.
12:38I'm 22.
12:39He's sorry listening to me going on at you.
12:41You don't want my life story, do you?
12:44It's just weird to be back in Borough after all these years.
12:49Yeah, I've actually moved back up here, so...
12:52Hoping to start afresh, you see.
12:55Sorry, did you want a carpet or not?
12:57Right, yes.
12:58Sorry, the carpet of course.
13:00There was one I saw just over this way.
13:05Did you hear that, Stuart?
13:06She's moved back to Borough from Burryston Edmonds.
13:09Stuart?
13:10Stuart!
13:13What are you doing, Stuart?
13:18And then I went to Aldi, and I couldn't reach the shreddies on the top shelf,
13:22so I asked a big tall lad to help me.
13:24But instead of handing me the shreddies, he picks me up,
13:27puts me on the top shelf, and then just walks off.
13:30I was up there for three hours.
13:31It was in that moment I said to myself I am never wearing black shoes ever again.
13:38Sal!
13:40Sorry, babe. I wasn't listening to a word you said there.
13:43Cheers, hon.
13:43I'm just really freaking out about Andrea the rabbit.
13:46Hey, Sal.
13:48I've never seen you so hysterical.
13:49Mel's never going to speak to me again.
13:52And well...
13:53I really like her.
13:54Look, I wouldn't worry, hon. I'm sure we'll fa...
13:57Hang on a minute.
13:59Are you saying that you really like her like...
14:01Hiya Mel?
14:02Or you really like her like...
14:05Hiya Mel?
14:06It's more like...
14:08Hiya Mel.
14:10Oh...
14:11Yeah.
14:12What about Danny?
14:14I don't know, babe.
14:15You know we're here for you, whatever you decide.
14:18Come on.
14:20Let's go and see if the others have had any luck.
14:23I bet Neil's all over it.
14:30Hold.
14:32Hold.
14:34Hold.
14:35All clear.
14:36That was a close one, Keith.
14:39Over.
14:39You're doing brilliantly, man.
14:43Hello?
14:44Hello?
14:46You'd never know me artificial grass is fake.
14:49Go on.
14:51Touch it.
14:55Feels good, doesn't it?
14:57Feels so real.
14:59Right.
15:00I'll take your shoes and socks off.
15:02And step on it.
15:05Go on, Neil.
15:07Step on it.
15:22Oh, my God.
15:50Are you in position, ma'am?
15:52I am keen.
15:53Marvellous. Now, listen carefully, ma'am.
15:56In five minutes, a fella called Dave is due back from his break.
15:59Then he's going to push the trolley through your shop out the back and into the warehouse.
16:03Now, when you're feeling pushing you, keep your head down.
16:06Unless you want Paula to see you.
16:07Then when you're in the warehouse, you can get out and dash out the back door.
16:11Understand?
16:12Loud and quick, Heath.
16:14Good girl.
16:16God, this is just like Vietnam.
16:27She's just looking at carpets now.
16:29You know, Dickie, I feel really lucky.
16:33What are you whining on about now, Stuart?
16:34I was just thinking, even though my grandma doesn't approve of who I am, I'm so lucky to have friends
16:41who have showered me with love and acceptance.
16:44Not that people have that, but I do.
16:47And so, well, I feel like one lucky guy.
16:54I'm going to do my fucking nutting today, you.
16:58Oh, get off.
17:00Oh, for fuck's sake.
17:03Frickin' Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
17:05Oh, hiya, Harrison.
17:06Hiya, Bobby.
17:08Hiya, mate.
17:10Hiya, listen, we heard what you've been through with your grandma and that.
17:13Yeah, sorry, Stuart.
17:14But from what everyone said, you've been really brave about the whole situation.
17:17Oh, thanks, guys.
17:19Hasn't been the best of times, I won't lie, but I'm really feeling the love today.
17:25You know, not a lot of people know this, but I had a hard time coming out to my family
17:30as well.
17:31Didn't your parents take you on a trip to London to see Mamma Mia the Musical when you came out?
17:34Yes, Harrison, but I wanted to see Miss Saigon.
17:37Stuart's not the only one who's had it hard.
17:39Well, I'll buy you a drink next time I see you out and about to say congratulations on your bravery,
17:43mate.
17:43Oh, thank you, Harrison.
17:47Boop.
17:50What are you two doing here, anyway?
17:52What do you think we're doing in a carpet shop?
17:54Balling.
17:56We've actually moved in together, so we're buying some flooring for the new house.
18:00So you've what?
18:01You've what?
18:01Are you deaf, babe?
18:02We've moved in together?
18:04Really excited about it, aren't we, darling?
18:06We are, yeah.
18:07Yeah.
18:08Yeah.
18:09Congratulations.
18:11Right.
18:11How are you, babe?
18:12I'm bored of this.
18:14Let's fuck off to Denham.
18:20Are you okay, Dickie?
18:21I caught some more cases you ate.
18:22Why wouldn't I be?
18:24I just didn't know if they were still a couple, let alone living together.
18:28You know, Dickie, Neil had a point when he was talking all that gibberish earlier.
18:33We all go through life searching for different things, don't we?
18:37And I think you're at a place in your life where you're simply searching for someone to love.
18:45Don't touch me, Stuart, you greasy pervert.
18:54I look quite pretty.
18:59Andrea.
19:01Andrea?
19:03Andrea?
19:05Andrea?
19:10Andrea?
19:11Andrea?
19:13Hey.
19:14Hey.
19:14Neil.
19:15It's you.
19:17I'm glad you're enjoying my artificial grass.
19:20But there's someone who needs you.
19:23Who?
19:24Andrea the rabbit.
19:26And only you can save her.
19:29Only I can save her.
19:31Go, Neil!
19:33Go!
19:34And save the rabbit!
19:35Come on, my legs!
19:37Go, Neil!
19:38Andrea needs you!
19:39How can I save the rabbit?
19:41What the fuck the hell are you waiting for?
19:43Go, now!
19:45Andrea!
19:50Yeah, and then there was, uh, Karen.
19:52She was my third wife.
19:54Oh, I wish she my fourth.
19:55Anyway.
19:55Anyway, she was a right bellender.
19:57Took me to the cleaners.
19:59So that's alright.
20:00I'm gonna start a new life.
20:02So I went to Fiji.
20:03But don't ask me about Fiji.
20:05Oh, well, since you asked me about Fiji, let me tell you about Fiji.
20:08Fiji.
20:10Here.
20:11Where's man?
20:12Here.
20:14She's on the street.
20:16Oh, my God, there she is.
20:17But if you want to talk to her, she's right there.
20:21Ma'am?
20:22Can you hear me?
20:23Yeah, I'm doing great.
20:23Are you ready?
20:24Listen.
20:25What did you ever tell you this, bud?
20:26She's moved back to the area.
20:28Ugh!
20:28Evil cow!
20:30Who the hell are you calling an evil cow?
20:33Sorry.
20:34Not you.
20:37Any luck finding Andrea?
20:39Who the fuck's Andrea?
20:40The rabbit we're all meant to be looking for.
20:42Oh, yeah.
20:42Oh, look, I'm afraid.
20:44I'll watch this.
20:49Hang on.
20:50You got CCTV keys?
20:51Why?
20:52This shop is completely covered.
20:54No thieving bastard is going to take my carpets and get away with it!
21:00Maybe we'll be able to see Andrea on the cameras.
21:02Good idea.
21:06Look, it's Neil!
21:07What the hell is he doing?
21:12Andrea!
21:13Andrea!
21:15Andrea!
21:20Where are you going, Andrea?
21:21For God's sake!
21:24For God's sake!
21:53Oh, God.
21:54Oh, God.
21:55Oh, God.
21:56Oh, God.
22:00Andrea!
22:01Careful, Andrea.
22:02If you hop off that edge, you'll hop to your death!
22:05Andrea!
22:06Yeah?
22:08Oh, oh.
22:09Sorry.
22:09Not you.
22:12What's Stuart doing up there?
22:14Can't lie.
22:15He does not look good on camera.
22:17It's Andrea!
22:18She looks like she's about to bunny dive off that shelving unit!
22:22No!
22:26Godspeed, you beautiful little weirdos.
22:33Oh, shit, she's there.
22:43Stuart!
22:44Why are you trying to push Andrea off the shelving unit, Stuart?
22:47I'm trying to save her, but she's not listening to me!
22:50You've got to grab her!
22:51I'm too scared.
22:52If I get too close to her, she'll hop off!
22:55We did it, ma'am.
22:56You're in the warehouse and you're home free.
23:06Mission accomplished, Keith.
23:08Cheers, chick.
23:14Choking, aren't you?
23:22What's the fiddly point?
23:30Stuart!
23:33Stuart!
23:34Oh, I think I've got an idea!
23:37What's going on?
23:38What's going on here?
23:39Long story short, Andrea's about to jump and Stuart's making it worse.
23:43Grab this!
23:44We need to position it underneath Andrea in case she falls.
23:47It's all dusty!
23:48We've got to get it over there!
23:49What are you doing?
23:52Pulling!
23:53Pulling!
23:53Pulling!
23:54Pulling!
23:54No!
23:56Carpet burn now!
23:57Forget it!
23:58It's not going to work!
24:03Oh, my God!
24:04It's Neil!
24:05He's on a scissor lift!
24:07Andrea!
24:08What's he doing on a scissor lift?
24:10I'm coming to serve you!
24:13Yes, Neil!
24:14Go on, Neil!
24:15You can do it, Neil!
24:16Go on, Neil!
24:16Go!
24:17You can do it, Neil!
24:18Keep going, Neil!
24:19Oh, he's like a soaring eagle!
24:21Go, King Kestrel!
24:28Go, Neil!
24:29You can do it, Neil!
24:30Go on, Neil!
24:30Come on, Neil!
24:31Come on, chick!
24:31You can do it!
24:33Go, Neil!
24:35No!
24:37Behind!
24:41Oh!
24:44Dirty chunder!
24:47Oh, bloody hell, Neil!
24:50Stuart, this is it!
24:52Andrea's life is in your hands now
24:55It's all down to you
24:59It's all down to me
25:04Andrea
25:05Please don't jump
25:07You've got so much to live for
25:11Hey
25:11Look at me
25:13I know you're scared
25:15But it's okay
25:18Where are your family now?
25:21I know what you're going through
25:23And it's okay that you're gay
25:25I'm gay too
25:28It's time for you to live your truth Andrea
25:31I mean
25:32When you think about it
25:34Aren't we all just
25:36Little gay rabbits?
25:46I've got her!
25:48Yeah!
25:49Yeah!
25:51Woohoo!
25:52Rabbit!
25:52Rabbit!
25:53Rabbit!
25:54Hey!
25:55Who's chucked up all over me floor?
25:59Sorry
26:01You
26:01Swat
26:03Sorry
26:08Oh
26:09Dicky does look a bit like a rabbit
26:10Stop fucking touching me Stuart
26:23May I present to you
26:25The one
26:26The only
26:27Stuart Park
26:30Oh
26:30Oh
26:31You're looking fucking lush there Stu
26:32Absolutely
26:33Nice ass
26:34He's all suited and booted for his first ever date
26:37How are you feeling about it Stuart?
26:40I'm really nervous
26:41Oh
26:42Just be yourself honey you can't go wrong
26:44Got any pictures of the lads Stuart?
26:46No my workmate set me up so it's kind of like a blind date
26:50But what if he's dog ugly?
26:52Oh yeah good point
26:53Oh I don't think I'd really mind you know I'm more of a personality guy
27:00Well er
27:01You'll all be pleased to know that I've also got a date tonight
27:05Oh
27:07How exciting chick who is the lucky bastard
27:10Well I haven't met him yet either
27:11Oh
27:11Yeah I've joined this date now
27:13It's for older rich men who are looking to meet young smooth twinks like me
27:18And there's a wealthy daddy who likes the look of my photos and wants to treat me for dinner
27:22Oh exciting
27:24That's nice rich little OAP for you
27:26Have you got any pictures?
27:28I do actually Lucinda
27:29Thank you for asking
27:30There we go
27:33What's that?
27:34It's a foreshore copy of his bank statement
27:36Yeah the older rich men receive photos of the twinks
27:39And us twinks receive photographic evidence of their wealth
27:43Oh that's fascinating
27:45Jesus fucking wept what's that smell?
27:47Oh yeah
27:48Ooh
27:49It might be my new fragrance
27:52I got it from Argos
27:53You got a fragrance from Argos?
27:55What's it remind me of?
27:56I can't put my finger on it
27:58It's
27:59It's like
27:59You know
28:00It's like
28:01Erm
28:01Oh
28:02It's
28:03Oh that's it
28:05Cabbage sauteed in dog shit
28:07That's it
28:08Yeah
28:08Exactly
28:09Here
28:10Let's spray a bit of this to mask it
28:13Is that a air freshener?
28:15It is chick
28:17Oh smells like a fresh summer breeze
28:19I actually think I'm going to cancel tonight
28:22Oh you can't do that
28:23What if you still love your life?
28:24I just I don't think I'm quite ready to date
28:27Tell you what
28:28I'll come to the restaurant as a secret chaperone
28:31That way I'm there if you need me
28:33But I'm distant enough for you to still enjoy your date
28:36I guess that could work
28:38Yay and we'll come along as secret chaperones as well
28:41Erm
28:42Well you don't all have to go
28:44Oh don't be silly we wouldn't miss it
28:45Yay
28:49Ow my eyes
28:51Ow
28:52Sorry chick
28:56When I grow up I'mma be a supermodel
29:14Ciao bello welcome friend
29:16You must be a steward
29:19Yeah
29:19How did you know?
29:21We've been expecting you for your first bigger date
29:24Follow me
29:28Oh
29:29Sexy little gay boy
29:31And this
29:33Is your date for evening
29:39Hiya
29:40Oh
29:40I'm steward
29:41I'm Bradley
29:43Ah
29:44I can already feel in the lab
29:46I'm lost
29:48I mean
29:49Hey uh Linda
29:50Someone's blocked the women's loo
29:52You are fucking kidding me
29:54That's a certain fucking time this week
29:56What the bloody hell are these women eating?
30:00What a bit either
30:06I've never done the whole dating thing before
30:09Sorry if I seem a bit nervous
30:11Don't worry
30:12I get nervous all the time
30:15Can I get you to drink lads?
30:22Want wine?
30:25Wine?
30:26Yeah white?
30:28White?
30:28White?
30:29White's fine
30:34White?
30:34Maybe
30:34Where's our stew then?
30:36What's
30:36He put your words?
30:37Oh shhh
30:39Remember
30:39We've got to pretend we don't know him
30:47There is a shit.
30:48That works just fine.
30:49Yeah.
30:50It's fine.
31:00Buongiorno.
31:01Siediti.
31:03Menio for you.
31:04Yes and that is.
31:14I need to give these coleslawes up to all the tables.
31:17Tell them they're complimentary.
31:18I accidentally ordered too much and I can't give them the bastard stuff.
31:21Of course, chick.
31:22I really appreciate you letting me do this, Linda.
31:24Ah.
31:25It's his first ever date.
31:26Ah.
31:26Bit nervous, pro-along.
31:27Absolutely no.
31:28Fucking problem no more, mum.
31:29Tell you the truth, you're doing me a favour.
31:31I've had three people calling sick.
31:32Fucking skivers.
31:33I'm not fully booked tonight.
31:35I'm glad I could help.
31:36Oh, actually.
31:36Why's it I've got you?
31:38Women's bog needs some block.
31:39And if you wouldn't mind sorting it out.
31:42Of course, chick.
31:43Oh, bienvenuti, welcome.
31:45Friends, come in, come in.
31:46You have a table book?
31:47No, we were hoping we could just squeeze in.
31:49Oh, tonight, not strategia Fridays.
31:53Who wants a free, a coleslaw?
31:59Oh.
32:00It's a big old menu, isn't it?
32:02They say it's Italian, but you can get anything you want.
32:05Last time I was here, I had a chicken chow mein and arrabiata sauce.
32:09Oh.
32:09Do you fancy sharing a spaghetti bolognese starter?
32:13Well, when in Rome.
32:18You smell amazing.
32:21It's like, I don't know, a fresh summer breeze.
32:25Oh.
32:26Thanks very much.
32:35We can't let on that we know Stuart, because we don't want to embarrass him.
32:39So, let's be as incognito as possible when we're spying.
32:43Got it.
32:44Understood.
32:50Does it look like it's gone well?
32:51I can't really hear from this far away.
32:53Shall we shuffle closer?
32:55I think we're going to have to.
33:03Soz, I'm late.
33:04I went to the park and got stuck in a swing.
33:06What the fuck are you doing?
33:08We're just trying to eavesdrop on Stuart and his date.
33:11Fuck it.
33:11Fuck it now.
33:13Oh.
33:14Would anyone like to try the wine?
33:15Oh, yeah.
33:16Aye, go on then.
33:17I like wine too.
33:30Aye, that's not bad, that.
33:39Aye, we'll have four pa mores, yeah?
33:42Oh.
33:43Good choice.
33:52No paps, no paps.
33:53I'm just trying to live my life.
33:56Bastards.
33:57Hiya, Dickie, Chick.
33:58Hiya, ma'am.
34:00Sorry, Dickie.
34:01Did you want us to follow you in as well?
34:03No, piss off, Gary.
34:04I told you, you're not meant to speak to me.
34:07What's this all about, Chick?
34:08Is he here?
34:09Who?
34:10I'm a two-affluent date.
34:11Oh, no, he hasn't arrived yet.
34:13Oh, for God's sake.
34:14I was wanting him to see that I'm also rich as fuck,
34:16so he wouldn't have to worry about making you sign a priest.
34:18I have to say, you look like a proper rich bitch.
34:22Oh, wait, I'll show you to your table.
34:25Dickie's here.
34:26Hiya, sir.
34:26Hello, Dickie.
34:27You all right, bud?
34:28I'm sorry, I've got a change, I mean.
34:33Hey, Dickie, I've been thinking,
34:35how do you know which rich old codger you're meeting
34:38if you'd never seen him before?
34:40Well, he's told me to look out for a silver fox
34:42wearing a yellow handkerchief in his jacket pocket.
34:44Oh, exciting, Jack.
34:46You know, back in my day,
34:49wearing a yellow handkerchief used to signify
34:51that you were into piss play.
34:55It was a simpler time.
34:58Hey, Mum, what are you doing?
34:59Table seven needs our starters.
35:01I'm on me break, Linda.
35:03You've only just started your shift.
35:16Oh, my God.
35:26What's your sign, or are you?
35:28It's Sagittarius.
35:31Are you joking at you?
35:32No, why?
35:33I'm totally incompatible with Sagittarius.
35:38Oh.
35:40Sorry about that.
35:41I wouldn't normally even associate with a Sagittarius
35:43if I'm being totally honest.
35:45Right.
35:46I'm not really sure what to say to that.
35:49I'm a Taurus, you see,
35:49so I'm, like, proper grounded and down to earth,
35:52and you're, like,
35:54a complete opposite.
35:55I don't know.
35:57I'd say I'm quite grounded.
36:00Sagittarius would say that.
36:03Right.
36:04I'm just popping to the loo.
36:05I could be a while,
36:06because I like to do a sit-down wee,
36:07which means that sometimes a number two slips out.
36:13How's it going on?
36:15I'm not sure he's into me.
36:16How can he not be?
36:18You're probably just nervous
36:19and not being yourself.
36:20The key is to just be
36:23completely authentic.
36:24On whatever you do,
36:25don't tell him you're a Sagittarius.
36:32There you go.
36:34That'll do on the coleslaw, ma'am.
36:37Ooh, what's that?
36:41On the coleslaw.
36:53Hey, chick.
36:54Oh, hello, dear.
36:56Have you booked a table?
36:57Yes, I believe I'm meeting
36:58a young, handsome chap.
37:01Oh, you must be Dickie's date.
37:03You are in for a treat.
37:05Follow me.
37:07Dessert's next.
37:12Dickie, I believe your date
37:13has arrived.
37:15No.
37:16No, this can't be right.
37:18Well...
37:19What's the matter?
37:20I'm meeting
37:22this person.
37:24Yeah, that's me.
37:26No, this can't be you.
37:27The chap in the photo
37:29has got a soft,
37:30youthful complexion.
37:33Like that one there.
37:36And he's got a firm
37:37athletic body
37:38with an arse
37:39that won't quit.
37:40Er, hello?
37:43No offence,
37:43but your arse looks like
37:45it quit a long time ago.
37:46How can I not take offence
37:47of that, you cheeky old twat?
37:48Where did you buy your arse from?
37:50Pancakes or us?
37:51It's not even a real shop.
37:52You know,
37:53you really shouldn't lie
37:54on your dating profile.
37:56Goodbye.
38:00You couldn't let us
38:01attend for a taxi, could you?
38:03Piss off.
38:08Mind your business,
38:09Lucentia,
38:09you nosy bitch.
38:14Here's some more coleslaw.
38:15Oh, I bloody love
38:16the bar more, mate.
38:17Love the bar more.
38:20Oh, sorry, Danny,
38:22that's actually
38:23my bowl of ketchup.
38:25Put your own one.
38:26Oh, sorry, mate.
38:27No, no.
38:43Hey, isn't that your
38:44pell-mell cell?
38:47Er, I can't really tell
38:48from over here.
38:49I'm sure it is.
38:50I'll just check.
38:51Mel.
38:52Mel!
38:52I'm sure she's probably busy.
38:53Mel!
38:55Hey, guys.
38:56How do?
38:57Hey, how you on?
38:59You look nice.
39:00What's the occasion?
39:01Um, actually,
39:01just here on a date.
39:03Yeah, there's a lot of
39:03dates going on tonight.
39:04We're having a double date,
39:06Dickie's having a date,
39:07and Stuart's having
39:07his first date,
39:08but we're pretending
39:08we don't know him.
39:09Ah, gotcha.
39:10Babe?
39:12Oh, hi.
39:14Guys, this is Arabella.
39:16Hi, Arabella.
39:17She's off from London.
39:18She's filming some
39:18TikTok videos.
39:19Oh, that's exciting.
39:20Yeah, I don't know
39:22if any of you guys
39:22follow me,
39:23but basically,
39:24I go to really shit towns
39:25and just rip the absolute
39:26piss out of them.
39:28But people fucking love it.
39:30Anyway, Mel, babe,
39:32and City Devo,
39:32they don't have any fucking tables.
39:34Why don't you join us?
39:36Say what?
39:36Anna, where the frig
39:37are they gonna sit?
39:38We can all squeeze in.
39:40Don't worry about those.
39:41We'll just try TGI's.
39:43Babe, I told you.
39:44I can never go to that place
39:45again after last time
39:46when I ordered
39:47plant-based chicken
39:48and they brought out
39:48a chicken drumstick
39:49on top of a pot plant.
39:51So, thank you
39:52for your kind offer.
39:53You friends,
39:54we gracious accept.
39:56Can we get some
39:57fucking chairs, please?
40:03I don't understand.
40:05I always get told
40:06my bum looks like
40:06it's been under a steamroll.
40:07I mean,
40:08I just assumed
40:09that was a compliment.
40:10Hey,
40:11there's absolutely
40:12nothing wrong
40:12with your ridiculously
40:13flat jacksy.
40:15Some people love
40:15an arse so flat
40:16it's nearly inverted.
40:18I can't even get
40:18a date of your gadgie
40:19like that
40:20to go on a date with me.
40:21What have I got
40:21in finding anyone else?
40:29worse for the days.
40:31Mum,
40:32table six
40:32have been waiting
40:33on their katsu curry
40:34for half an hour.
40:35I won't tell you.
40:36Again.
40:53I'm about ready to go.
40:55I'll meet you down the alley
40:56across the road
40:57in five minutes.
41:19I'll meet you down the alley.
41:21I'll meet you down the alley.
41:22I'll meet you down the alley.
41:29In the alley.
41:34Excuse me,
41:35Bugs,
41:36is this the only exit?
41:37It is.
41:38Well,
41:39apart from the fire exit
41:40and the kitchen.
41:42Oi!
41:43Are you the new sous-chef?
41:45You late,
41:45dickhead.
42:09Yeah, sorry, I'm there, chef.
42:12Where'd you want me?
42:16How do, Stu?
42:17Fucking hell.
42:18How's it gone?
42:20It's been gone for ages, Sal.
42:22I think it might have done a runner.
42:23Surely not, babe.
42:26Unless you told them that you're a Sagittarius.
42:33Oh, I didn't realise you'd still be here.
42:42Hey, ma'am, there's a dead rat stuck in one of the traps.
42:45Be your lover and chuck it in the wheelie bin, will you?
42:47I'm busy at the minute, Linda.
42:48Can you not do it?
42:49I'm on violin duty.
42:51Hmm.
43:18What, chef?
43:19What, chef?
43:19People are still waiting for the starters.
43:21Oh, do you go, ma'am?
43:22No!
43:26Oh, shit, now.
43:29There's some cauliflowers.
43:34I think I've burnt these cauliflowers.
43:36You're a fucking moron.
43:38So it's about my herbs.
43:46I think my blister must have fallen off into one of those starters.
43:59Oh, fuck me!
44:05Linda's pissing me right off.
44:07Tell me about that.
44:09You know, just because Helen and Darren and Sophie called in sick class away out last night and got humming,
44:13doesn't mean she should talk to us like shit.
44:25Don't you guys just miss London when you're up here?
44:27I mean, I know it's pure fucking chaos, but my God, there's just an energy down there that you just
44:32don't get anywhere else.
44:33Do you know what I mean?
44:34I've actually never been to London.
44:38Are you being serious?
44:40Yeah, I sure fuck.
44:42I don't, I don't think I've ever met anybody who hasn't been to London.
44:46Wow.
44:47God, it's mind blown.
44:49I mean, good for you.
44:51You go girl, like, gosh.
44:53I mean, you've never been up the Shard?
44:56I've been up Rosby Tobin.
45:03Listen, Danny, you really can't just go around stealing other people's ketchup.
45:07Some people rely on ketchup to be able to eat their food.
45:10You're going to let your dickhead friends talk to me like that, so?
45:13Er, who are you calling dickhead?
45:14Who do you think?
45:15Danny babe, please don't talk to people like that.
45:18I'll talk to people how the fuck I want.
45:20Whose side are you on?
45:22Wow.
45:23I mean, I knew it was rough up here, but I never expected to witness such horrific aggression first happened.
45:28Are you a bit?
45:29Yeah?
45:29Sometimes it's just best to keep your mouth shut.
45:31Why?
45:32Well, they attack me.
45:36Like and subscribe.
45:38If I survive.
45:49So, Chef, how long you been working here for then?
45:53We haven't got time for small talk, mate.
45:56Peel them potatoes.
45:57Please don't go amiss.
45:58Can you just show me the fuck up?
46:00Please.
46:00What?
46:01The table's waiting.
46:02Look at our garden, Ramsay. Calm yourself down.
46:04They can wait a bit longer, can't they?
46:05They don't speak to me like that in my kitchen.
46:06What is it your kitchen? You don't own it.
46:09And I'm sorry, I don't peel potatoes
46:11because the repetitive peeling process
46:12and things are not biased.
46:13Listen here, you little flat-arse weasel.
46:15If you've got to keep this fucking job, you do as I say.
46:18Do I make myself clear?
46:19Take a chill pill, Quillityville.
46:20Never were such an obnoxious shithead.
46:23Cry about it.
46:24You cry about it.
46:26You cry about it.
46:27No, you cry about it.
46:27You cry about it.
46:28You cry about it.
46:29You cry about it.
46:30You cry about it.
46:33Nobody's ever spoken to me like this.
46:35Cry about it.
46:54Oh, so, here's the funny one.
46:56Sorry, I've got to take this.
46:56Yeah.
46:59Hiya.
47:01Did you get my text?
47:02Yeah, fucking Sagittarius.
47:04Can you believe my luck?
47:05No.
47:06Fucking joke, babe.
47:11Yeah.
47:12I think he's wearing hair fashion.
47:15Why are we still waiting on Table Eleven's dessert?
47:17Oh, for God's sake, nor attention, chef.
47:20Er, what does she mean?
47:22Again?
47:23You've been kissing other sous chefs?
47:25No.
47:26Huh?
47:26Not today, anyway.
47:29I can't believe I'm here in next.
47:31Me and you, we're done.
47:35Here you go, babes.
47:37These are Table Eleven's.
47:39Who the fuck are you?
47:46Becky, desserts!
48:05Well, I'm only here one more day, thank fuck.
48:08But annoyingly, I'm back in a couple of weeks.
48:09That is the problem with getting a hip TikTok account
48:11from Trashing Shit Towns.
48:12You actually have to go to the shit towns?
48:15I've just dug my own way.
48:16I really have one more day.
48:21Yeah, I know.
48:22The nerve of it.
48:23Honestly, so blasé.
48:26Sagittarius.
48:27It's still here.
48:30Mum, Table Five needs clearing.
48:35Oh, we've got a fucking good connection, haven't we, babe?
48:38I mean, we fuck by rabbits.
48:44What?
48:47How many?
48:48Sorry.
48:49How many more sous-chefs have they?
48:53What does it matter?
48:55It's in the past now.
48:57I just need to know.
49:01Well, I was still trying to take this on the bog for a good ten minutes.
49:04Get the hint.
49:06You know me, babe.
49:07Can't do with Sagittarius assholes.
49:11Do you mind if I'll call you, babe?
49:12Stand eyes up for a good one.
49:14I swear there must be a thin juice distillery in Middlesbrough
49:17because the whole town reeks of it.
49:21Oh, God.
49:22Don't even think about it.
49:30I'm warning you.
49:53What the fuck are you doing?
49:56Don't mess with my ketchup, bitch!
50:15No, I can't hear you.
50:16Love you, bye.
50:16I can't hear you.
50:26Okay, bye, babe.
50:27Love you, bye.
50:29I'm sorry about that.
50:30Wrong number.
50:33Fucking Sagittarius!
50:43What the hell he is all doing?
50:46This is embarrassing.
50:49Not one of you has hit Stuart.
50:58What the hell do it?
51:16Fuckin' hell do it!
51:22You know, even though he wasn't the one,
51:25I'm glad I've broken my date virginity.
51:28How do you find working as a sous-chef, hon?
51:30Something to put on the CV, isn't it, babes?
51:33Best thing was, I got a snog off the chef.
51:35Yeah, of course you did, hon.
51:36I did.
51:37I believe you?
51:38You don't sound like you believe me, Lucinda,
51:39with that patronising tone of yours.
51:42Listen, I'd just like to say sorry that I let my anger get the better of me tonight, guys.
51:47I just really bloody love ketchup.
51:49Don't apologise, babe.
51:51It's not your fault.
51:53Danny gets pleasure out of antagonising.
51:55It's just who she is.
51:57And if I'm honest, I'm done with it.
52:06You lot ready?
52:08Yeah, come on, man.
52:09Go on, man.
52:10Go on, man.
52:11Go on, man.
52:11Just do it, just do it.
52:12Rinse, man.
52:13Rinse, man.
52:13Oh, God!
52:14You have a rat!
52:16Oh, he all got wetness.
52:18It's mine.
52:19Oh, I can't put my hand down, Arthur.
52:21We should've do these.
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