- 9 hours ago
G'wed Season 3 Episode 4
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:10This is an injustice! Free the Scouse 4!
00:15I've never been arrested before! What an incredible experience!
00:18Do I tip at the end?
00:20No! I lost your floor!
00:23You just slapped me arse!
00:26Seriously though, I didn't do anything!
00:27Just to clarify, was the knee in the back a Liverpool thing or just a personal touch?
00:31Fine! I've cracked! Conor's got loads of cocaine up his arse!
00:34You need to go full cavity, lads! Full cavity!
00:37At least that's not funny, lads!
00:38I've caught you like that, lad.
00:45You're the only one that saw what happened.
00:47So come on.
00:49Who did it?
00:57With your hand! With your hand!
01:02Busies! Busies! Busies!
01:05Tis! Tis! Tis!
01:24While technically not a biscuit, betters the biscuit tin, which is why immigration is good.
01:36Allowing users like Catherine to hide behind the anonymity of their online profiles.
01:41That's not a use spell, definitely.
01:43Don't beat yourself to death with the dictionary, you thickest pig shit illiterate fuck.
01:48And be an absolute twat on social media.
02:02What the hell are we going to do?
02:04Don't worry, lads. I've got this.
02:06You can shove your violins up your arse.
02:10They don't speak to us, just the middle class.
02:14They pull a stupid face, spend years having lessons and knocking out these bangers in ten seconds.
02:21You can shove your violins up your arse.
02:24They don't speak to us, just the middle class.
02:28They pull a stupid face, spend years having lessons and knocking out these bangers in ten seconds.
02:42So, thanks to Rhys and Christopher, this Friday, Allsbrook will be both hosting and competing
02:48in the grand final of the UK National Debating Championships.
02:57I can now announce your opponents.
03:01And they are...
03:04Roderick White and Nathan Williams of Queenswood House Surrey.
03:13What's wrong with your fat Lanzo Norrishet?
03:17Queenswood House is my old school.
03:18So you know them lads?
03:20Yeah, they're my mates.
03:21So what's the problem?
03:23Nothing, it's just...
03:24You lot meeting them, it's a bit weird, isn't it?
03:29You're weird, lads.
03:31Which is why I would encourage you to give them a big Allsbrook welcome when they arrive.
03:35Thank you, sir.
03:38Now on to the main announcement.
03:40That was the main announcement.
03:42Sir.
03:47I respect you.
03:49Oh, okay.
03:50Okay.
03:57I know how you all see me.
03:59Lewis the psycho.
04:01Spot on, lads.
04:02Lewis the bully.
04:03Yeah, what are you there, lads?
04:05Lewis the wanker.
04:06Best in the game.
04:08Years late.
04:09But today is the day that all changes.
04:13Today, I become a new man.
04:16Today, I launch.
04:21And guiding me through these 12 steps is a man close to my heart.
04:26An inspiration.
04:27A successfully recovered tugger and scrabber who just last week convinced me to join him on this beautiful path that
04:36is recovery.
04:38Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Toby.
04:43Thank you, thank you, thank you.
04:45Who's Toby?
04:46Hang on.
04:48That's the lad who kicked my head in in that house party.
04:50And made me watch.
04:52Lewis, the first step on my path towards recovery is to apologise to all those I've wronged.
04:59Well said.
05:04All right, Lewis.
05:05Tell us what you see.
05:07What?
05:07Wrong video.
05:09What's that?
05:11Tits.
05:15Bad, this part of recovery is not for public consumption.
05:19Turn it off.
05:20It's not letting me.
05:21Tell us what you see.
05:24More tits.
05:26This is not familiar, lad.
05:28Turn it off.
05:29Turn it off.
05:30I'm trying.
05:32And this one.
05:34Me dad.
05:36I see me dad.
05:39With tits.
05:44I can't do this, lad.
05:45Yeah, I'll give them.
05:50Hey, hey, Lewis.
05:52What do you see here, lad?
05:56Your answer, we called.
05:58Told us about your dad's MS.
05:59And how it's been getting worse.
06:01And now you're having to look after them all by yourself.
06:04Something just hit me.
06:05Our family is family.
06:06And how the past doesn't really matter when something like this happens.
06:12Look, I can't go back and change what's happened between us.
06:15But I can be here now to help.
06:19If you'll let me.
06:25What a performance, eh, love?
06:28Family is family.
06:30Did you get that one done?
06:31Yeah, I'm just waiting on life's too short and then I've got a full house.
06:34You don't have to forgive me, but at least let me help.
06:37I've already done a shop and I'll sort them overdue bills of seeing.
06:40Hang on.
06:41Who says we need your help?
06:43You're clearly struggling.
06:45Come on, Wayne.
06:46This is no life for a girl her age.
06:48Do you know what?
06:48I can't take any more of this shit from you.
06:51Do you know what was no life for her, Anna?
06:53Eh?
06:54A life without a mum.
06:55And that's something that you took from her.
06:57So don't you dare come into this house and pretend to feel sorry for us.
07:02Acting like the past doesn't matter.
07:04Well, I tell you what, girl, it matters to me and it matters to her.
07:07So get your stuff and get out.
07:13I'm staying in a hotel in town if you change your mind.
07:17We won't.
07:21Ta-da!
07:25Go ahead, Wayne, lads.
07:28She genuinely thought a Tesco shop and a few fake tears were going to win us over.
07:33Unbelievable, eh?
07:34That's what I'm telling you about.
07:38I'll tell you what, though.
07:40She has got some decent scran in them bags.
07:42Has she?
07:43Yeah.
07:45I saw some of them Danish pastries we like.
07:48But we're not eating them.
07:49Course not.
07:55Last time we did this, it was for Klopp's leaving announcement.
08:00Got through that.
08:02Gonna get through this.
08:04Jesus, boys.
08:05Who died?
08:06We did, lads.
08:07We did.
08:08What?
08:09Lad?
08:09You're not gonna wanna hang with us savages anymore.
08:12What are you all about?
08:13You're old mates.
08:14We're not gonna get a look in once they get here.
08:17That's it.
08:18I know how this goes, lads.
08:19We're the chocolate ice from Aldi.
08:21And they're the real thing.
08:23Kellogg's Coco Pops.
08:24Do you want us to bow down to these mates who are done or more?
08:27I would prefer you kiss the family ring.
08:29Or ring peace.
08:30Hey!
08:32All right, boys!
08:36Bring it in, come on.
08:37Long time I see Chrissy.
08:39What, no signal up here?
08:41Um, yeah.
08:43Sorry, I meant to reply.
08:44I've just, I've been busy.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Um, Roderick, Nathan, this is Ted, Mo, Connor, and Rhys.
08:54Well, so, this is why you've been busy?
08:57I mean, you've joined the shittest gauss boy band that's ever lit.
09:00Coming from the Maiden Chelsea reject.
09:02Sorry, could you, could you repeat that in English, please?
09:05Whoa, careful now.
09:06They don't like even being called English, never mind being asked to speak it.
09:09Don't worry, lad.
09:10I can translate for you.
09:11He's calling you a bunch of posh.
09:13Wow, isn't this fun?
09:15Hey, all of us being together.
09:17Hey, Rhys, we've been hearing a lot about you in the debating circle.
09:19In the debating circle.
09:21What can I say, lads?
09:22I'm a natural.
09:24You really are.
09:25If you're debating sitting on your ass claiming benefits.
09:27Nathan!
09:27How about sitting on your ass debating claiming daddy's money?
09:30How about you put your hand up if you know who your daddy is?
09:32Oh, I do.
09:34Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:36Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:41Good to see you're still an easy wind-up, mate.
09:44Nice to meet you.
09:44Nice to meet you all in person.
09:45What's going on?
09:46Hi.
09:47Well, I've seen you worrying about us meeting, so I thought I'd reach out.
09:50Offer a little Scouse welcome.
09:51Yeah, come up with a few ways to take the piss out of you.
09:54Oh, boys, I'm sorry if the dad joke was a little bit too fast.
09:58Oh, no, it was spot on.
09:59Connor still doesn't believe me that some dads actually live at home.
10:02Lads, I've told you, I'm not falling for that one.
10:09So, years after ditching you, she comes back, apologises,
10:13and then offers to help look after your sick dad?
10:15Yeah.
10:16Pay all your bills and do all your shopping, cooking and cleaning?
10:19Yeah.
10:20She sounds like a right witch.
10:22I know.
10:22And if you look to the right, you'll see the 08 Osbrook basketball team,
10:27or as enthusiasts like myself like to call it,
10:29the unfortunate case of Jamie Nugent wearing baggy shorts.
10:33Look carefully, lad.
10:34Wow.
10:36His left nut is really hanging out of those shorts, isn't it?
10:38Don't get too excited.
10:39Oh, fuck.
10:41You lads talk hard now.
10:42And if you cast your eyes to the left...
10:45Now, I know this might be a cultural experience for some of you,
10:47we have our next exhibit.
10:49Hmm.
10:49Working-class girls, relatively fit,
10:52but very loud and painfully opinionated.
10:56Shut up, you little dickheads.
10:57Wow.
10:58An interactive piece.
11:00You know, if you boys would like a more private, exclusive tour,
11:04then just let us know.
11:06I'll take a private.
11:07Amy!
11:09What do you want?
11:11To apologise for the way I treated you
11:14when we were together
11:17and when we broke up.
11:19That's actually quite big of you.
11:21I did things no man of a respectable character should do.
11:27And I'm sorry
11:28for the times I begged you to shove things up your arse.
11:33And the times I begged you to shove things up my arse.
11:36Oh, my God.
11:38You don't need to apologise, mate.
11:39It was never going to happen.
11:42Sorry for the time I cheated on you.
11:44Wow, this is wild.
11:46With your cousin.
11:47Oh, my God.
11:49At your nan's wife.
11:50Oh, my God.
11:52In your nan's bed.
11:54Oh, he's a ratten.
11:55And, er, wipe me cum.
11:58With your nan's death and go.
12:00Ooh, that is wild.
12:02What? No, no, no.
12:03I'm apologising.
12:04You seriously did that?
12:06Well, yeah.
12:08But I'm sorry about it.
12:10Oh, my God.
12:11You're not well, you.
12:13Nah, look.
12:15No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:17Oh, here we go.
12:20I need to apologise for turning your dead man's day lift into a sex swing.
12:25You're beyond recovery.
12:26You're sick in the head.
12:28Eh.
12:29You're a third.
12:30Oh, my God.
12:31Oh, my God.
12:35Oh, my God.
12:36Oh, my God.
12:37Oh, my God.
12:37Oh, my God.
12:37Well, I don't know if I can do this.
12:39You can, lad.
12:40Believe in you.
12:41Oh, what?
12:42Do you know, wait.
12:43You haven't even apologised to your man for being born.
12:45I have.
12:46Lewis, look, I wouldn't be asking you to do it if I didn't think you could.
12:51Do you know what I believe in you?
12:54Thank you, lad.
12:55I really needed to hear that.
12:57You said the same thing I said.
12:59Oh, I haven't got time for it, lad.
13:09What was he like when he first got it?
13:11Oh, so as part of his initiation to the group, yeah, we made him go round every house on the
13:16estate and introduce himself with...
13:18I'm not doing it.
13:18I'm not doing it.
13:19Oh, God, it was funny.
13:20Hello.
13:20My name's Christopher.
13:21I've just taken up residence nearby, and I like to regularly pleasure myself to Princess
13:26and Equestrian Highlights.
13:27Carry on!
13:31Lads, next question.
13:32Who came number one in Christopher's Spotify rap?
13:35I don't know.
13:36Coldplay?
13:37No.
13:38You do like him, don't you?
13:39Of course not.
13:40This?
13:40Whale noises and ocean sands.
13:42Correct.
13:43Hey!
13:44Helps him get to sleep, lad.
13:46All right.
13:47The final question in the inaugural.
13:49Who knows Christopher better?
13:51Who was Chrissy's first celebrity crush?
13:53Oh, Kate Middleton.
13:53Wrong.
13:54The rabbit of Zootopia with the fat ass?
13:56Correct!
13:56Yay!
13:58He's a black!
13:59He's a black!
14:01He's a black!
14:02He's a black!
14:04He's a black!
14:05He's a black!
14:06He's a black!
14:06He's a black!
14:07He's a black!
14:08He's a black!
14:09He's a black!
14:10He's a black!
14:11He's a black!
14:12What's that?
14:13What's that?
14:13Batship alley scrapyard.
14:15Why?
14:17Hey, where are you going?
14:18Oh, we're in Liverpool, Nathan.
14:21It'd be a shame not to see all the sights.
14:22You can't just walk in.
14:24Yeah, we'll find a way.
14:25Come on.
14:25Wait!
14:26I don't know about that, you know.
14:28Wait, you Scousers, yeah?
14:31Always going on about us having sticks up our asses when here you are.
14:34Too scared to break a few rules?
14:38I'm not scared, like.
14:41I'll rob a car.
14:42My body's gonna kill us.
14:44You really didn't see you, did it?
14:47No.
14:49Okay.
14:50Alright.
14:51Go on, you can go.
14:55But that's not what your mate Roderick said.
14:58He says you'd back him up.
15:02Back him up on what?
15:03That Reese today.
15:06That Reese today.
15:10I think really carefully before lying, lad.
15:13Especially with that caution of yours.
15:16Because this, on top of your previous,
15:20means you're going straight to the detention centre.
15:23So,
15:25you can either back his statements,
15:29or you can tell us what happened.
15:33Anyone need a lift home?
15:35Come on, mate. It's bad enough we're even in here.
15:37Yeah, you're gonna break it, lad.
15:39And I wanna go first.
15:43I could hear Reese and Roderick arguing on the forklift.
15:46Let me drive, lad.
15:47Let me drive, lad.
15:49Suddenly I saw it flying down the ramp.
15:57It smashed into the owner's car.
16:14What?
16:14Roderick was driving him.
16:16What?
16:16I told you to stop this in a boat.
16:20Let's go!
16:29Command, hurry up.
16:31Yeah, let's go, lad.
16:33Issues, issues.
16:35What?
16:43Come on.
16:43Ah, not you. This way.
16:45Your shoes.
16:47Come on.
17:05Hey.
17:08Rod.
17:09Wait.
17:10You wanna fuck me over in person this time?
17:12I'm sorry.
17:12No, it's fine, actually.
17:13Now I know where we stand.
17:15Come on.
17:15What?
17:15Mates don't screw each other over.
17:17What, like how you screwed over Reese?
17:19No, I didn't screw over Reese.
17:20But then I'd have to give a shit about him in the first place.
17:22What's going on, Rod?
17:24This isn't you.
17:25How would you know?
17:26How would you know?
17:27It's not like we talk anymore.
17:28Yeah, we do.
17:29No.
17:30No, we don't.
17:31You pissed stuff up here and that was that.
17:33I didn't piss off.
17:35My mum died.
17:35I know.
17:36No.
17:36I was there for you.
17:38I was there when you took it out on that guy, when you got charged.
17:42I was there for you, man.
17:43I had your back.
17:46And you used to have mine too.
17:49Yeah, yeah.
17:50I know he didn't say it, but we knew that if we wanted to stay best friends, then we'd
17:53have to try.
17:54Well, I tried, Chris.
17:59I tried, Chris.
18:00I did.
18:00But you got your new friend, so I guess you didn't have to, did you?
18:05That's not fair.
18:07I...
18:09I'll see you at the debate, man.
18:21Somewhere...
18:23Somewhere...
18:24Fix your posture.
18:26Sorry.
18:28How'd you get in here?
18:30Your dad let us in.
18:31He said he felt bad about the other day, so he invited us round for a quickie for old
18:34time's sake.
18:35You what?
18:37You left the back door open, soft girl.
18:40Oh.
18:40I was coming round to drop some takeaway off and I heard you singing.
18:45Come here.
18:46Breathe.
18:49Breathe.
18:51Try now.
18:56Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.
19:04What?
19:05Did you think you got your voice off your dad?
19:07No.
19:08I can help you, you know.
19:10Put your prep.
19:11If you wanted.
19:12Why did you leave?
19:14Sorry.
19:16It's just...
19:17Me dad told me about your drinking.
19:20And how you went about.
19:25I got a very different side to Wayne.
19:28When I was with him, it was like our whole lives had been decided.
19:34Same street, same job, same boring old pub every Saturday.
19:38And he was content with that, but...
19:41I wanted to feel like I was still becoming someone.
19:46But he got so angry with me.
19:48Like...
19:48How dare I want something different than him?
19:52I couldn't believe him.
19:53And I tried reaching out, but...
19:57Every time I did, he...
19:59I just said he didn't want to know me.
20:00He...
20:02He never told me you tried to reach out.
20:05But...
20:09I wasn't perfecty.
20:11But I was no piss head.
20:15I missed you...
20:17Every single day.
20:19And I never...
20:21Ever...
20:23Stopped loving you.
20:45Best of luck, boys.
20:46We won't need it.
20:47Oh, why?
20:48We're just cooking up another biscuit tin analogy.
20:50Oh, I've got a new analogy, lads.
20:52Wanna buy cutting the head off a snake.
20:54Okay, teams.
20:58Today's topic, which Oldsburg will be arguing for, and Queenswood House will be arguing against, is...
21:06Private schools should be abolished.
21:09Prepare for drama.
21:11Let's get to it!
21:14Which leads me to say that private schools fuel elitism.
21:17Queenswood rebuttal.
21:18To generalise private schools as elitist, is elitist in itself.
21:22They reward the best and brightest.
21:25Allsburg rebuttal.
21:26Who decides the best and brightest?
21:29They benefit the economy.
21:31Rebuttal.
21:31By creating inequality.
21:32Helping to further fuel the UK class divide.
21:35Counterpoint.
21:35Why punish students for the faults of politicians?
21:38Overpriced.
21:39Overrated.
21:40Better prospects.
21:41Quality accommodation.
21:42Having to live in school.
21:43Purple.
21:44Rowing.
21:44Benedict Cumberbatch.
21:46Stevie Graham.
21:51I need to apologise for selling pics at your feet.
21:54Louis, just piss off, will you?
21:57Sorry, Amy.
21:58I was talking to my Louise.
22:01Yeah.
22:02Gimp.
22:12Hi, Dad.
22:13Amy, where have you been, love?
22:14I've been worried sick.
22:15I think you're getting worried too.
22:17Confused with sleeping on the couch, Dad.
22:18Amy, I'm being serious.
22:20Where have you been?
22:21I stayed at my Louise's last night.
22:23Search party wouldn't have had to look far.
22:24Well, you need to tell me.
22:25I didn't realise I had to check on every five minutes.
22:29What time are you going to be back later?
22:31I don't know.
22:32You what?
22:32Why, where are you going?
22:34I'm meeting Anna.
22:36Are you joking me?
22:38Are you joking me?
22:38She's going to help me with my singing.
22:40Amy, after everything that we've talked about.
22:42I know, but she is my mum.
22:44And I'm your dad.
22:46And I'm telling you now, you are not going to see her.
22:49Do you hear me?
22:50Amy, she can't be...
22:54Fuck!
23:00Boys, I just overheard the adjudicators.
23:03It is neck and neck.
23:04Down to the wire.
23:05Sticky wickets.
23:05Squeaky bum-time.
23:06Bulls to the wall.
23:07The big one.
23:08The haymaker.
23:09We're going in hard.
23:09How hard?
23:10Gerard.
23:10Because this is our one night in Istanbul.
23:13I feel really hot.
23:14Is it just me?
23:14Is it really hot?
23:14Are you hot?
23:15Because I feel really hot.
23:16Get it together, sir.
23:17Yeah.
23:18Yeah.
23:19Relax.
23:20Remember.
23:21You have to make them believe that this is the only possible truth.
23:26Say what you really believe, okay?
23:28Something only you could say.
23:30So.
23:33Who's closing?
23:37I'll do it.
23:39I'll close.
23:43Boys.
23:44Let's go give it to her.
23:48Okay, everyone.
23:48We've heard from Queenswood House with their closing argument.
23:51Now Allsbrooks.
23:52Christopher.
23:58Look, I know it's a bit ironic having me argue to get rid of the very thing I'm a product
24:06of.
24:06But as someone who's experienced both private and state schools, I'm probably the best one to argue it.
24:11Though, to be honest, despite all I've said today, I actually loved my old school.
24:18I love where I'm from.
24:21And believe it or not, I even love these two arseholes.
24:28Though I know to them, it may not have always seemed that way.
24:34When I lost my mum, I started to lose myself.
24:41I started to lash out and cut myself off from the world and without realising my friends.
24:52Then I moved to Liverpool.
24:54Yes!
24:56You don't walk alone, love.
24:57And the more time I spent here, the more I started to regain those parts of myself I'd lost and
25:02discover who I really am.
25:05But the truth is, when it comes to private schools and state schools and the worlds they represent, I'm not
25:10for or against.
25:12I don't believe we should be picking sides.
25:14Why are we so obsessed with splitting everything into two piles?
25:18Good or bad?
25:19Posh or poor?
25:20Right or wrong?
25:22Because for me, the answer isn't one or the other.
25:25It's the bit in between.
25:27The combination.
25:29Let's stop trying to win the argument and try to understand what's good about the other side so we can
25:34use it to create something better.
25:38I'm a product of both worlds.
25:40Born in Surrey.
25:42Made in Liverpool.
25:45And I'm proud of both.
25:48So why should I choose between them?
25:50When bringing them together makes much more sense than keeping them apart.
26:06Wow.
26:08Thank you for that, Christopher.
26:11Although as this is a debate, you've sort of got to be for or against.
26:15And as the adjudicates a flag, not only have you failed to do that, but you've barely referenced the statements
26:20of the debate.
26:23Queenswood House wins.
26:34I'm very sorry.
26:36Hey.
26:39I just wanted to apologise.
26:43How are feelings, lads?
26:48Hey, you were so good.
26:49Hey, respect for that debate.
26:50I'm sorry.
26:51And I'm sorry.
26:52For not trying harder.
26:54For disappearing.
26:56That's alright.
26:58Your mum would be really proud of the life you've made for yourself here, man.
27:02Although she'd be less proud when we annihilate you again at next year's Debating Champions.
27:12Oh, no.
27:13You know what?
27:13I think I'm done trying to change people's minds.
27:16Not yet, you know.
27:17I need you, boys.
27:20For one last there are.
27:31What's going on?
27:32An intervention, lad.
27:33For you.
27:34I mean, to what?
27:35We're not letting this team of you life coach lead you to stray any longer.
27:38He's making you insufferable, Lewis.
27:40It's embarrassing.
27:41He's only trying to better himself.
27:43By erasing who he is!
27:45Guys, is...
27:46Is that what you really think?
27:47No, it just came because he said he buys us a scram, lad.
27:50Yeah, and we don't actually know you.
27:52We just know you look about 42.
27:54He does, to be fair.
27:56Lewis.
27:57You need to pack it in, lad.
27:59Just look us in the eye.
28:01And accept who you are.
28:03Whose eye am I supposed to look into?
28:05Most lads go around pretending that they've got it all together.
28:08But you've never pretended, lad.
28:11You were chaos.
28:12You were honest.
28:14You were alive.
28:17By God, you were alive, lad.
28:20You said mad things.
28:22You did mad things.
28:23You felt everything.
28:26You'd cry watching porn.
28:28Then your dead butt had been.
28:29Yeah.
28:30Yeah.
28:31It got you into trouble.
28:32But it was real.
28:33You were real.
28:36You don't fix a fire by putting it out, lad.
28:38That's exactly what you do.
28:39Shut the fuck up, you little scruff!
28:41You're dancing it, lad.
28:45What matter was that?
28:49I suppose I do miss wanking meself, silly.
28:53I miss watching you, bro.
28:56I know.
29:01I'm flattening anyone who gets cheeky.
29:04And just, you know, grabbing someone and getting in the face like your little maggot.
29:12Your little terrazactyl.
29:14Your little overnight hoes.
29:19I, Lewis, accept it, lad.
29:23I am and always will be.
29:27I'm proud!
29:29Preach it!
29:30Pervert it!
29:31Say it!
29:33Dick it!
29:34Yeah!
29:41Nice!
29:43I ain't nice!
29:49Woo!
29:53Woo!
29:59Nice!
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