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Taskmaster - S16E09 - Fagin at the Disco [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:33Hello.
00:34Welcome you to the show.
00:37I'm Greg Davis.
00:39If Taskmaster is the new Coliseum,
00:41then our contestants are lying fodder.
00:43If Taskmaster is the Olympics,
00:45then these five need to beef up on roids big time.
00:47If taskmaster is the new religion then I'm the mother flippin Pope and I don't smoke dope and I've never
00:53owned a soap on a rope
00:54Wow writing introductions is increasingly tough
00:57So let's crack on and meet our colossal contenders. They are Julian Clary
01:16And next to me the answer to the question which well-known presenter those little plops in the toilet like
01:21the ones you'd expect to see from a
01:34Sagan what are you preoccupied with oh was I sorry Nick? Yeah? No, not very professional. Just a new whatsapp
01:41group. Yeah
01:42I love whatsapp. Do you just the groups anyway? Yes
01:49So we look at your whatsapp group really yep, it's sort of price for me and my friends. Yep
01:54Let me see my actual friends
02:00The little ones
02:02That's the name of the group. Yeah, yeah, who's in it?
02:05Lil Nas is in it is he? Yeah
02:08What does he say? Hey guys you free Wednesday got some little plans
02:14So funny you say now man not Wednesday swimming lesson
02:20You know this
02:21Lil Nas says Lil Wayne you're around next Wednesday
02:27Like I say I got some little plans
02:29Lil Wayne says also not free Wednesday. I've got my climbing lesson always Wednesday
02:34I thought you knew that Lil Nas
02:35Yep and there are lots of exclamation marks and then in comes Richard Littlejohn
02:41He says hi guys love the banter as always
02:44Yeah
02:47I'm free on Wednesday is my javelin practice
02:52My javelin practice has been moved to Sunday mornings 8am WTF
02:57Yeah, it's not early, isn't that early for javelin?
02:59Yeah
03:02Messaged him back for you. What did you say?
03:08I don't think they've ever heard me using that word before
03:14I'm with the price that yes, and you'll like this one Greg because they've been asked to bring in the
03:20bit of old crap that Greg likes the best
03:22Wow, you are getting lazy
03:25We all know Greg likes old crap, but what old crap does Greg like best best old crap equals five
03:31points and the winner today
03:32We'll take home five bits of old crap crappy days
03:36Okay, do you what bit of crap have you bought it?
03:39Oh, you're gonna love this. It's a ceramic soldier from a junk shop. There we go
03:44So gentlemen at arms I bought it to annoy my husband because I thought he'd hate it, but actually we've
03:49grown to love him
03:50We call him Bernard
03:52And he's everything you'd want in a soldier. He's well presented
03:56He's very very smart and probably available for no strings fun around the back of the back
04:04He's got that look in his eye, hasn't he? Why does it have to be no strings?
04:13I wonder where that tradition came from of soldiers having big feathers on their head. Any idea? Yeah, yeah, I
04:20know. Okay
04:23Lucy, can you beat a ceramic soldier? This is a mouse-dropping
04:27Oh
04:28Basically where my mum lived and when she was growing up she lived next door to an older couple and
04:35they couldn't have children
04:36So the husband he bought a monkey off a sailor
04:41But the monkey bit her nose off and so I was never allowed pets
04:48But my mum did eventually get me a hamster and
04:52one night
04:53It ran across the settee and so because it scared her she she whacked it and killed it
04:59Well because of that my mum's now got mice in a pantry and instead of getting rid of them
05:06She's keeping them like pets and
05:11So the feathers are just a symbol of their collective identity
05:16Feel like I have I've done what you've asked me to do you haven't done me you've just given me
05:22an awful insight into your upbringing
05:24And then you brought me a plate full of shit
05:29What have you bought it's my national insurance number I?
05:33Had to get a national insurance number yeah, we all love to they rang me up
05:37They said how do you want it get sending a letter or just email or you can get it on
05:42a cassette a
05:44Cassette yeah
05:45To blind people so they can hear the number of steps. Yeah, no surprise. Wow, and this is what his
05:52national insurance number is
05:54In the department for work and pensions your reference
06:02Pretty good
06:06Do you want it because you have trouble with sleeping? I do have trouble sleeping yeah
06:10Hi, Sue, are you can you beat a plate full of shit?
06:16Um, a safe security number a soldier I brought this in atomic energy badge for boy scouts in
06:251960s America to get this badge as a boy scout you had to build an electroscope
06:30Build a geiger counter go to a place underground with radiation
06:35And record the measurements that's genuinely fascinating and I gotta say I think it might have the edge over a
06:43plate full of
06:43Shit
06:45Hello season um the thing that I brought in is my childhood pet so here is susan's bit of old
06:52crap
06:52I really wanted a dog but my mum she's nigerian so she doesn't really understand the concept of bringing
07:00A wild hostile animal like a puppy into your home just doesn't translate
07:04So one day I was with my childhood friend aurora
07:08She's very arts and crafty she calls her parents by their first name really weird really weird put yourself together
07:14aurora
07:16And so we decided to walk along the warth road and each find a leaf
07:22Which we then covered in sticky back plastic and I decided to name my childhood pet
07:28Lafleur and that is a true story and I feel a bit sick
07:32Ha I'm not surprised it's genuinely heartbreaking that someone would have a pet that is a laminated leaf
07:40Not easy for you this break I mean it's not that hard
07:45It'll come as little surprise that the thing I want to take home least is a big pile of mash
07:51it
07:51One point a little point okay
07:52What do you think I want to take home least the next I think it's the national insurance number of
07:57an australian comedian
07:58It isn't oh it's a laminated leaf
08:02Two points to susan then is it yep okay, I sort of want that soldier wait wait is this getting
08:07three points?
08:08Yeah, I can't explain why I want some tape I almost want it the most
08:14But not quite I want the atomic badge the most so I'm going to give four points to
08:18Sam's weird tape and five points to the atomic
08:21There we go well and sue perkins
08:22Okay, let's get going stop
08:29Go
08:47And stop this is already
08:52majestic
08:53standard sweeper
08:55I haven't got a driver's license. Do you have a driver's license? I do it took a while to get
08:59I can't drive I'm a Londoner
09:02We don't drive you just go on the bus or the DLR and go boop boop at the front
09:06Can you drive Sam?
09:08I can drive people crazy
09:10Do you have a license?
09:11No, I only have a license Alex I am a member of the advanced motorists association
09:16So stick that in your pipe
09:19Drive that's good. It's the first word drive across the finish line
09:24You must obey all the rules of the road and must only stop your vehicle at a traffic signal
09:33If you disobey a rule Alex will blow his whistle and you must return to the start
09:40Back here back here for a 10-second driving lesson fastest wins
09:45Your time starts when the traffic signals first change
09:49So I'm going to teach you about this vehicle right here. This is the horn Alex
09:55Sorry
09:57No, no, but not yet. Not yet. Yep. Yep. The lesson hasn't quite finished or started
10:02It goes up to 10 miles an hour. Oh, I'm gonna push this bitch
10:07I'm not entirely clear about these signals. No, I'm assuming red means stop. No doesn't
10:14You start when the traffic signals change, okay
10:27There were things that surprised me about the intro. I'm gonna push this bitch
10:32That's the reason it took 14 years to get the license
10:37Julian you're an advanced driver. Well, my father was a traffic policeman
10:42So he knew about this organization
10:44They teach you how to drive
10:46Extra safely and you get a sticker to put in your car, but can you also do donuts in a
10:51car park and stuff?
10:53I have been known
10:58Um things that didn't surprise me sam and lucy can't drive and rada sits on the front of trains and
11:04pretends she's the driver
11:06I'm happy to see their attempts
11:08So neither of these two have a license and neither of them should ever have a license. It's lucy
11:13It's also sam here. We go. You can start when the traffic signals change
11:17right
11:28What's up please come back for a driving lesson
11:38Hello sam how are you welcome to first driving lesson
11:47Hello lucy you clearly didn't obey the amber signal there. I don't know what it means. Well amber means to
11:53activate your brushes
11:53What does red mean you've got two seconds left red means go off you go
11:57Oh
12:11Very well with the brushes that time but then you hit the purple one and of course that purple you
12:15must get out of your vehicle walk
12:16Round it and get back in it and carry on
12:19What's green mean green wait for three seconds off you go ready to go go go go
12:32Blue means you have to come back to the previous signal and then carry on oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
12:37that means you gotta beep your horn and carry on
12:38We're getting there
12:40Oh, bye-bye
12:42What the hell you failed to activate your brushes
12:48Orange means good
12:52Come back on foot if you want
12:54Hello lucy turn them on purple is spin obviously how much to be able to do it if I had
13:00that with me you want my piece of paper
13:02Yeah
13:06Lovely
13:10Very good
13:25I've stopped the clock
13:32What you're not allowed to stop unless you're next to a traffic signal can you come back for a driving
13:36lesson, please?
13:37What the hell that was good?
13:40What happens if this goes forever?
13:42Don't you have other things to film?
13:57Thank you
13:58You should be ashamed
14:00You should be ashamed
14:02You should be ashamed
14:06Well firstly you enjoyed your flashing blue hat and your authority too much didn't you?
14:11I enjoyed it a lot. You did?
14:12Blow in his little whistle
14:14What a knob now
14:16Lucy, and I say this only in driving terms
14:20I think there's something wrong with you
14:22That's what the instructor said
14:25Sam
14:26You seemed very annoyed when you were called back at one point
14:29Yes, I think I know that you mean it's this bit
14:37He kept whistling and the authority figure his hat was pissing me off man
14:42And he was smirking and he was nasty
14:45He's a spiteful little shit isn't he
14:47They're not doing my task right
14:51He took 26 minutes and 22 seconds
14:54Is that good?
14:55No
14:57Lucy 24 minutes and 30 seconds so they're pretty similar times but Lucy's in the lead at the moment
15:01Well done Lucy
15:05That's a real opportunity to practice mindfulness
15:09Close your eyes and breathe
15:10Then make a list of all the things you haven't done
15:13Jesus you're behind get up panic no one thinks you're up to the job
15:16Ahhhh
15:28Hello, hello again
15:30Welcome to part two of taskmaster where our comedians are learning the taskmaster rules of the road
15:35Yes, Greg, it's our way or the highway code
15:39We've seen sam and lucy now for sue perkins and our resident advanced motorist mr julian clary
15:45Off we go
15:50Sorry julian would you mind coming back for a driving lesson
15:56Hello julian
15:57Hello did I do something wrong so you failed to obey the amber signal which is of course activate brushes
16:03And red means go blue blue means return to the previous signal and obey that signal as well
16:09Okay
16:12I'm returning oh yeah i knew it
16:15Do you have a pen father taught me to drive really i passed on my 17th birthday oh happy day
16:21happy birthday
16:22I am well enough about you yeah okay
16:26Okay let's go
16:31Oh dear i can't read my own hands
16:36oh don't
16:38so annoying
16:40bye bye bye
16:42activate brushes
16:48all right so far really nice really nice
17:02i don't want it to end
17:10i've stopped the clock
17:38i'm not sure in the history of this show we've ever had such a chillingly calm
17:43meltdown
17:44just
17:45smelt freedom
17:47it was like a light bulb filament burnt out
17:50and then
17:50nah
17:52it's not for me
17:55all that blowing i don't know how long i was there for but it was a long time
17:59well it wasn't that long
18:0213 minutes
18:04you've got a shorter fuse than you thought julian
18:07oh he was the only one there to talk to
18:08oh god awful
18:11um so julian gets no points but you know what a glorious crash and burn it's all worth it
18:16so i've just realized that whatever we've asked you to do for this whole series
18:21you look like it's your job
18:23i'm really miserable that's the thing i'm told to do something i go absolutely and then i'm just it
18:27you really did you really did push that bitch
18:29no
18:30she was an exhausted bitch by the time
18:34she pushed the bitch
18:36for a total of 11 minutes and 43 seconds
18:43who's next here is susan on the sweep
18:52what's it what do what do i do please come back for a driving lesson oh my god all right
18:57oh
18:57oh
19:01stop stop stop stop stop
19:03i need to press
19:07wait wait wait hang on wait wait i've got it everyone calm down
19:10good
19:11good no stop stop stop
19:15I'm sorry to kill you so sorry
19:31Welcome to your first driving lesson unfortunately didn't obey the amber signal amber of course means you have to activate
19:37your brushes
19:38Bye
19:47Please come back for a drive. Oh, no, wait. Well, I need to tell you what blue does
19:52Lovely me to wait blue means come back to the previous set of signals off you go
19:56What does yellow mean now?
19:58Means you have to come back for a driving lesson
20:00careful
20:05Yellow has beat the horn and carry on
20:06Right-bye
20:11And do I keep them off
20:21I've already got it on so I just carry it. I'm going
20:24I've got it going
20:25You can't stop me
20:28You can't stop me
20:30Da-da-da-da-da
20:33We got there
20:38Well, here's a sentence I never thought would be said out loud. You're a worse driver than Lucy Beaumont
20:46Well, I don't have a driver's license and no way
20:49No, no, no
20:50I had so much fun
20:52Oh good
20:53Yeah
20:54Especially when I nearly killed one
20:56Didn't I hit that thing twice?
20:58Twice
20:58The thing with the man behind
20:59Yeah, yeah, yeah
21:00She didn't fulfil the task
21:02She learnt really quickly so at first you were turning left but not understanding why it went left
21:08You managed to time it better than anyone else with the flag so you did it in 13 minutes 50
21:13seconds
21:13Oh god, that's
21:14Oh, wow
21:17It was amazing
21:19But it means Sam gets two points, three for Lucy, four for Susan, but Sue Perkins gets five points
21:23There we are
21:24CHEERING
21:27And a scoreboard please
21:28Maximum points at the moment goes to Sue Perkins in the lead with ten
21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:33We'll then see
21:35May we have another task please, Alex
21:36Yes, and it's another one that really is just for you, Greg
21:40GASP
21:43MUSIC PLAYS
21:56MUSIC PLAYS
21:58Hello
21:58Oh, hi, Susan
21:59Oh, hi
22:02Hi, Sam
22:03Oh, there's something in your pigeonhole
22:05GASP
22:08That's proper 50
22:09GASP
22:14COIN Fever, hey?
22:16Make Greg the best gift
22:18You have five minutes to order your items
22:21Then 15 minutes to make your gift
22:25Your items must cost no more than £50
22:28I will need that money
22:29So I've got to pick these up like an animal
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33OK, your time starts now
22:35Right
22:36OK
22:37GASP
22:40Have you thought of anything you want me to buy yet?
22:42Yeah
22:43OK
22:44Shall I tell you?
22:45Yes, please
22:45OK
22:47GASP
23:02Can you get me a box?
23:06And a duster if you can afford that as well
23:08I'd like a hairdryer
23:09Nothing with nuts
23:10The craziest straws
23:12The craziest straws that you can see
23:12So that's up to about £8 now, do you think?
23:15Your 30 seconds and probably about £2 left to spend
23:17Let's put some little sweets in
23:19Maybe he's a crisps
23:20I think he might be a crisps man
23:22Ferrero Rocher
23:24We're going to spoil him
23:25Cheap crisps
23:26Cheap crisps
23:27Cos then we can have a few
23:28Yeah, like that
23:31OK
23:31Are you...?
23:33OK
23:33Yeah, I'm going to the shop
23:34Whatever's left over, just buy yourself something
23:36Right
23:38All right
23:39You've got 15 minutes to create your gift for Greg Davis
23:42Fabulous
23:46Is it appropriate to call him sir?
23:48Definitely
23:50It sort of looks like you know what you're doing
23:52I don't
23:53Wear this one
23:54Yeah
23:55And then I'd like you to come out naked
23:56Look at that
23:57There's no
23:58Yeah
23:59I'm sorry I started this
24:01And you finished, do you?
24:03Yeah
24:03Yeah
24:04This is really good, by the way
24:06You want me to pass it on?
24:07Yeah
24:08I've got a real feeling
24:09This is going to be quite
24:10Quite wonderful
24:13We sort of set Sam up there a little bit
24:15By giving him coins
24:17Where everyone else had a note
24:18Yeah
24:18But I think we set him up
24:19Because we always know
24:20He's going to say something amazing
24:21And I just loved
24:23Coin Fever, eh?
24:26Why did you have an orange tie on?
24:29I was under instructions
24:29To spend whatever money was left over
24:32On something for myself
24:34I'm very excited by all of these
24:36Well done for the sir thing
24:38It puts me in mind of my teaching days
24:40I thought it might
24:41Advert time
24:42A wise man once said
24:44Never a borrower nor a lender be
24:46And did that guy have an air fryer or a soda stream?
24:49No
24:49What a loser
24:50Apply for a new credit card immediately
24:52The neighbours are talking about you
25:06Hello!
25:09Welcome back to Taskmaster
25:11Well, I've been a very patient boy, haven't I, Alex?
25:14Such a patient boy, Greg
25:15But the waiting is about to pay off
25:17Are you ready?
25:18Yes!
25:19Let's go and get your presents
25:20Come on
25:26Happy birthday, Greg
25:27Present time
25:28Yes
25:28Let's start this end
25:30This one is from Mr Julian Clary
25:32Do you remember the box he made?
25:34Yes
25:34Enjoy
25:36Oh
25:37That is a lovely box with pink spots on it
25:39You say we'd love for Julian
25:41This could change your life
25:43Oh
25:44Oh God
25:49Oh God
25:50Oh God
25:51That is
25:52There's more
25:53Oh
25:55Oh
25:55What's that?
25:56Polish
25:57Oh
25:59Julian's written
25:59Have fun in the bottle
26:02This is what the
26:04Shorts
26:05Oh God
26:07I mean
26:08You know
26:09It's getting to the time where I should consider retiring
26:11So why don't I go out with a bang and put this on
26:14Thank you for my
26:17Gimp costume
26:18OK
26:19Second present
26:20This is from Susan Wakoma
26:23Oh
26:24Oh
26:24I like that
26:25Oh
26:26That is nice
26:27I think you should put it on
26:29Pop that on
26:30Get that on
26:31Yeah
26:31A more cynical man would say this was just
26:33Some crudely cut pieces of material
26:36No
26:36That have been glued onto a fur coat
26:38No
26:38No, no
26:39You've been mistaken
26:40Do you want to go out to a fur coat?
26:41Look at that
26:42Look at that
26:42Give it a spin
26:49Put these on
26:54Yeah
26:54Yeah
26:55They're nice
26:55Yeah
26:55They're nice presents so far aren't they?
26:57Honestly
26:57They do feel quite nice
27:00Lucy Beaumont's
27:01Den
27:04Oh
27:06That's quite clever though because I do like a den
27:08Well you can hide in there waiting for your victims
27:13There's a trailer crisps you know where someone might go Chris and then they'll come in the den and then
27:18you can get them
27:20Can you fit in there okay?
27:22Oh
27:28Let's see shall we
27:31Oh
27:31Are you going in backwards?
27:33Yes
27:34Do you like the present Greg?
27:37No
27:38A bit more delicate this one this is from Sam Campbell all for you
27:47Oh
27:47Oh
27:48Oh
27:48What is at the bottom of the bucket there's snow
27:51I mean I have to say this is Sam's actual credit card
27:54Yeah
27:55So that's incredible
27:57Yeah it's a gentleman's basket
28:00What was I thinking?
28:02Well I thought when we saw you were so stylish I didn't know you were going to start dressing like
28:05Fagan at a disco
28:06Oh
28:10Oh
28:11Now you can enjoy a lovely bit of art
28:14Oh
28:15Oh
28:16Is that you?
28:17That's you?
28:17Yeah we did that in the garden
28:18There's a version on the back with the artist in the frame
28:23I just wanted you to see Alex in a more aesthetic romantic perhaps even sexual way
28:30Yeah it's absolutely beautiful
28:32Which is your least favourite gift Greg?
28:34I don't want to give any of them one point
28:36Right
28:37I'm going to give two points to Sam's gentleman's basket because I think well it's insane
28:43Lovely stuff
28:44And I think I'm going to give three points to Susan's coat
28:49Do you know why?
28:50Yeah
28:50I can imagine
28:51It's rubbish
28:53Greetings Susan
28:54I'm going to give four points to Lucy's crisp den
28:58And I'm going to give four points also to Julian's rubber outfit
29:02Because it's just something I've never considered before
29:05And I'm going to give five points to this beautiful painting of my favourite man in the world
29:09Aww
29:09Aww
29:10Well there we go
29:11Sue Perkins wins the task
29:13Let's go right down
29:15Dooo
29:17Shall we try it for another?
29:19Yes please
29:20OK Greg
29:21Here is some more clowning about
29:47That's a creepy clown
29:48Don't go any closer to the clown
29:50I don't want to
29:51Good
29:51OK here we go
29:53Feed the clown the most cards
29:56No part of you must cross the threshold of the stage
30:02This is the stage
30:04Don't go any closer than that
30:04Exactly
30:05Even if a hair goes over it
30:07You have ten minutes
30:09Your time starts now
30:11APPLAUSE
30:13Pretty straightforward
30:14Get the cards into the clown's mouth
30:16Mm-hmm
30:17Do not cross the threshold
30:19And I will be ruthless on this
30:21I think we should just get on with it
30:22OK well let's begin as we so often have
30:25With Lucy and Susan
30:27I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying
30:33Cool
30:34Have you got a fishing rod and a magnet?
30:37What I've got is a shed
30:39I'll try it again
30:40Just so that we're all aware that this is not how we're going to do this
30:45Useless
30:47Hello Lucy
30:47Hiya
30:48You got a plan?
30:49Yeah
30:49Yeah
30:53Alright so we've done that
30:54Yep done that
31:06That was about six
31:08Do you mind telling me your plan?
31:09I want to see if you'll, erm, if you'll sit on there
31:13I don't mind sitting on a sledge
31:14I can't cross the threshold
31:21Can you cross the threshold?
31:23Yeah I can, I can do what I want
31:24Can you get me all the cards please?
31:25No thank you
31:25No thank you
31:26What?
31:27I don't really like clowns
31:28No, nobody does do they?
31:31I'm just going to give you this card
31:33You might need to just shuffle forward a bit
31:35I won't be putting them in the clown's mouth
31:38You won't be?
31:39I don't think so
31:41Right
31:42Hmm
31:43May I go in the shed please?
31:45Thanks
31:48Ah
31:49I mean, there's nothing in here
31:51Well no that's because that's not the shed
31:55Why am I sitting on a sledge?
31:57I was probably going to push you if you needed me to
31:59Okay
32:01No
32:03You were fine, just
32:04Was I?
32:05Er, yep
32:06I'm over it
32:08I've got a feeling this isn't the best way
32:11But I don't know
32:12I've sort of committed to it
32:14I don't know any other way now
32:24Well, there are some cards in the clown's mouth
32:31What's great about Taskmaster is that people sometimes try a method but then they evolve as the task goes on
32:37Not in Susan's case
32:39No, no, no
32:40It was just the throw the cards, route one
32:42Yeah
32:43Throw the cards into the clown's mouth
32:44Yep
32:44How many did you get in?
32:46Was it three?
32:47How many did you get in?
32:48Actually twelve
32:48Oh, was it twelve?
32:50Yeah, twelve million
32:50Four insanity, that's pretty good
32:52Well, that's a disappointing start
32:54Yeah
32:55You thought no one would be worse than that
32:57You would have thought
32:59Hello Lucy
33:00Hi
33:01Why were you wearing two hats?
33:03I think just because they were in there
33:06Yeah, pop them on
33:07Fine
33:07Perfect answer
33:08Probably the same reason that when Susan failed she maniacally laughed
33:13Lucy
33:14Did you really think you could use a leaf blower to blow that card into the clown's mouth?
33:19Yeah
33:19Yeah, she did
33:20Cos when a blower leaves at home
33:21Into a clown's mouth
33:22Well, I mean they go, they go really far
33:24They go miles
33:25Yeah
33:27So it's twelve and zero to beat
33:29Who's next?
33:30We're gonna see Sam Clownbull and Julian Clowney
33:33Fine
33:34Yes
33:34Here we go
33:42I've got an idea
33:44OK
33:46I need some string, am I allowed to go back into the house?
33:48Oh, all the information's on the task, Sam
33:52If I look in the shed, might I find some elastic bands?
33:55It's a really nice shed
33:56Do you come with me or not? Do I go on my own?
33:58That's up to you
33:58You come with me
34:00Great
34:02Is this your stage persona or is this what you're like?
34:05I don't know what you mean
34:06LAUGHTER
34:12OK
34:13Why did you do that?
34:15Just to test my thrust
34:16Thrust
34:16How was your thrust?
34:18Yeah
34:20Yeah
34:21I've done this before
34:30Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
34:35What I want to do is just shove the whole thing in
34:38Oh, I see
34:38Oh, oh
34:40Oh, oh
34:42Oh, I can still get it in now then
34:57Oh, I can still get it in now then
35:00Um, have I got time to go and get a broom or something?
35:03You've got two minutes
35:04I've got my own this time
35:06OK
35:07I'll miss you
35:08How lucky do I get with that little bit, the lip?
35:11Really lucky, Sam
35:14Really lucky, Sam
35:15Are you giving me some sort of countdown?
35:18Do you want it to be dramatic?
35:20Well, let's see how dramatic you are
35:22You've got 45 seconds left, Julian
35:26Oh, now I've done it
35:27Oh, well, I give up
35:29I don't
35:31I don't mind about the last card
35:41Thanks, Sam
35:42It's been all the time
35:43Thank you
35:44Thank you
35:45It's nice to go to the shed with you
35:46You're not the first
35:51Sam
35:51My feeling was that probably when you did that successful power throw of the cards
35:56That you ran off and you just kept running for days
36:01Incredible, must have been quite a rush
36:03This woman came to my school
36:04She died but she came back to life and she came in to tell us about it
36:09Cos she said she saw God and he was a giant pink crystal
36:11And that's how that felt
36:16Cheers, Sam
36:19Julian, your system worked really well
36:21The only question I've got really is
36:22Why did you mount the cards like two feet from the top of the rod?
36:26Well, I think there was something wrong with that rod
36:27It wasn't quite as euphoric an experience for me as your brush with God
36:34To me it was just a packet of playing cards and a rusty old clown's mouth
36:39Yes
36:39It didn't make you think of a rebirth and crystals, no?
36:44Not at any point
36:45No
36:47No, so Julian still had time to get that last card
36:49He didn't get it
36:50Which meant he got 51 in
36:51Whereas Sam got 52
36:53The full 52 cards
36:54That one card was the difference
36:56We've reached the end of part three once more
36:58The prizes today include a sellotaped leaf
37:01A cassette tape of a national insurance number
37:03And some mouse droppings
37:05And yet you will still watch
37:08You will still watch
37:24Hello
37:26Welcome back to the final part of the show
37:28Where there's a big old clown head that still needs feeding
37:31Oh dear, hungry are you?
37:38No, I suppose you mean the clown head in the current task
37:41The last person to launch is Sue Perkins
37:44These are the most funnily things I could find
37:46But I think they might mean I have to cross the threshold
37:50Right, OK
37:52That's not going to work
37:53I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things
38:00Yeah, we're running out of cards, so
38:02It's the launch plan C, is it now?
38:03Can I bring the clown nearer me?
38:05As long as you don't cross that threshold
38:07Right
38:07How's it going, Sue?
38:08Is there any gaffer tape in the shed?
38:10Yes, would you like me to get it for you?
38:12Oh, thanks so much
38:13Also, if you find anything longer than this, that'd be great
38:15You've got five minutes left
38:16No!
38:39Take that, you hungry clown
38:42Are there more cards?
38:44Oh, oh, oh
38:49Hello, Sue
38:51Hello
38:51How long have I got?
38:52You've got 30 seconds
38:56Another whole packet?
38:57Yeah
38:58The classic 72
39:00The classic 72
39:02Is it 72?
39:06Thanks, Sue
39:07Classic 72, mate
39:09It's the classic 72
39:10Add it to the 87 that were there
39:12We're talking big numbers
39:17What did you think the classic 72 was?
39:20One pack or two?
39:21I thought it was one pack
39:22And it's just the way I said
39:23The classic 72
39:24And Alex just went
39:2572
39:25And then I just thought
39:26I have just become the biggest cock on all
39:29The plan works a treat
39:31You've got the classic 72
39:32Oh, don't you?
39:33I do need to show you some more stuff
39:34Oh, there's a but, isn't there?
39:36I think we all felt there might be
39:37It was actually birthday cards
39:41He's excited because he's going to crush me again
39:43Let's see what the dream crusher's got in store
39:46That's what my children call me
39:47OK, here we go
39:49I'm going to go for plan B and just throw some things
39:52Yeah, wash that hand
39:54I'm going to just try and see what my aim's saying
39:59Cool
40:00Hmm
40:15The dream crusher
40:18That's fingertip cruel, mate
40:20He's right
40:21It's fingertip cruel, mate
40:23You look so nice
40:24But underneath it all
40:25You're just a shit
40:27Oh, that is
40:28Oh, that's awful
40:29But rules are rules, unfortunately
40:31Yeah, it means Julian Clary
40:32Was the only one who completed the task
40:34Wow
40:34Oh, really?
40:3651 cards
40:36And you would have won the task
40:37If you hadn't done anything at all
40:38Well done
40:41Let's have a look at the scores
40:42The winner so far is Sue with 15 points
40:48Oh, can you please stay where you are
40:51While Alex and I make our way to the stage
40:54What?
40:55For the final task of the show
41:03Hello
41:04Hello there
41:05Who will be reading the task note?
41:06It's me
41:07OK
41:11Watch Alex's parade
41:14Oh
41:14Then answer the questions
41:17Most correct answers wins
41:20You may not make any notes during the parade
41:24Let the parade commence
41:26And here he comes
41:29The furry watsit
41:31Oh, he's wearing a lollipop person's outfit
41:34I remember my lollipop lady when I was a boy
41:38Mandy
41:39She was an angry lady who hated children
41:44Oh
41:45Here he comes again
41:48Born in 1972
41:50And found as a baby in a car park in Natwich
41:54Alex is now dressed as a doctor
41:56Which is ironic
41:57Because he's currently suffering from ugly hemorrhoids
42:01Ooh
42:04Who's Alex?
42:05He's Alex the handyman
42:06He can fix your immersion heater
42:10Or do a very workmanlike strip at a hen do
42:14But in real life he couldn't do anything like that
42:17Because he's had a soft upbringing
42:19And he's incompetent
42:21Ooh
42:22Who could this be?
42:24Who ordered the limp white meat?
42:27The limp white meat
42:29No
42:29That's just Alex the chef
42:32He's always unappetising
42:34And when he eats he has to shut his eyes
42:37Because he can only open one orifice at a time
42:40There he is again
42:42As a magician
42:45Alakazam
42:46Um
42:47Wow
42:47He can literally turn any situation into a lifeless vacuum
42:52What's his magician's name?
42:54Why?
42:55It's the mysterious bacteriosis
42:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:05Wow
43:05He's got legs
43:07Look at his legs
43:08Look at it
43:10Right, it's time for the parade test
43:12You may now pick up your blackboards and pens
43:15Question one
43:17Question one
43:19What three word phrase did I use to describe Alex's chef character?
43:27Julian
43:28Limp white meat
43:30Lucy
43:30Swirl and meat man
43:32BUZZ
43:32BUZZ
43:34BUZZ
43:34Don't remember telling you my stage name
43:37BUZZ
43:39Sam
43:39A good bloke
43:40BUZZ
43:40BUZZ
43:42Sue
43:43I got the wrong character so I said kill any vacuum
43:46BUZZ
43:47BUZZ
43:49Susan
43:50My mind was sort of nearly their soft white meat I got
43:54Very close
43:55Yeah
43:55No cigar
43:57APPLAUSE
43:58Yes
43:58Question two
43:58In what year was Alex born according to me?
44:05Julian
44:061972
44:07Lucy
44:08He was born in 2015, our 1800s
44:12LAUGHTER
44:13Absolutely incredible
44:15Sam
44:161984
44:17BUZZ
44:19Sue
44:191972
44:20BUZZ
44:20Susan
44:201972
44:21BUZZ
44:22Well done
44:23Question three
44:25What was my magic word?
44:30Julian
44:31Alakabaz
44:33BUZZ
44:34BUZZ
44:34Lucy
44:35Cheesecake
44:36BUZZ
44:37BUZZ
44:39What's that?
44:40Alakazam
44:41BUZZ
44:41Sue
44:42Alakazam
44:43Susan
44:43Alakazam
44:44BUZZ
44:45BUZZ
44:45Question four
44:49What couldn't handyman Alex fix?
44:52What couldn't he fix?
44:54Julian
44:55Big End
44:56BUZZ
44:57BUZZ
44:58Lucy
44:59His tripod
45:00BUZZ
45:02BUZZ
45:03His personal wife
45:04BUZZ
45:04BUZZ
45:05BUZZ
45:07Emotion heaters
45:08Susan
45:09Emotion heaters
45:09BUZZ
45:10APPLAUSE
45:11And finally, question five
45:14What was I holding when Alex took his trousers off?
45:20Julian
45:21Rubber duck
45:22BUZZ
45:22A penis, brackets, cock ring, or cheese triangle
45:26BUZZ
45:28BUZZ
45:28Sam
45:29The Holy Bible
45:30BUZZ
45:32BUZZ
45:33Sue
45:34Sue
45:34Yeah, I guess a duck as well
45:35BUZZ
45:36Sue?
45:36A duck as well, yeah, yeah
45:38BUZZ
45:38Seriously?
45:39Yeah
45:39It was a delicious satsuma
45:41Oh, magic!
45:43Well, I didn't take any of it in at all!
45:46We know!
45:49So, we'll add all of those, and we'll put them onto the final scores, we'll come down there and join
45:53you!
45:53Thank you!
45:54Thank you!
46:02That's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?
46:04Yes, I changed my clothes really fast and you produced a satsuma secretly!
46:08Yeah!
46:08Scores-wise, Lucy didn't get any right, but still gets one point for coming fifth, so well done!
46:13Aw, thanks!
46:14And that feels like charity!
46:15Yes!
46:16Sam, you got one right, so you get two points for coming fourth.
46:19Julian, you come third, you get three points.
46:22Sue and Susan with suspiciously similar answers.
46:25You both win the task and get five points each!
46:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:31And so, the winner of the episode with 20 points is Sue Perkins!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38Sue Perkins wins!
46:40Please go and collect your bits of crap!
46:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:46Just one sweet final to go and one sweet winner tonight!
46:51Sue Perkins!
46:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:54All right!