- 9 hours ago
Good Omens S03E01
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:14I can't believe it's over.
00:00:16An over and a glorious victory, Aziraphale.
00:00:19Quite outstanding.
00:00:21Yes, I suppose so.
00:00:23At a cost.
00:00:24Of course.
00:00:25How many did we lose in the last offence?
00:00:27About a hundred, I'm afraid.
00:00:28They took us by surprise.
00:00:30The whole thing was ghastly.
00:00:32Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.
00:00:37Just doing my job.
00:00:39The battle fought here.
00:00:41The center of all creation.
00:00:43Turned the tide.
00:00:44They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame.
00:00:47And they lost!
00:00:50Better tell the troops the good news, eh?
00:01:12It's time to argue, please.
00:01:14And if you shout out or do anything to attract attention, you will be a dead angel.
00:01:19Do you understand?
00:01:20Give me the sword.
00:01:25So you didn't actually have a weapon then when you were threatening me?
00:01:28No, lost it in the last battle.
00:01:31Hello, I'm...
00:01:32General Aziraphale, I know who you are.
00:01:34I saw you on the battlefield.
00:01:36I have a lot of questions.
00:01:38And nobody ever has the answers.
00:01:52It may hurt, but it'll help to staunch the wound a little.
00:01:57You know, I've spent the war smiting rebel angels.
00:02:01I've never done this before.
00:02:05Should I say thank you?
00:02:08Better not.
00:02:24Thank you for the advantage.
00:02:27Probably best if you don't, uh...
00:02:29Don't tell anyone how you got it.
00:02:36Good luck.
00:02:55And well done, everyone, on plan second coming.
00:03:01And in addition, I'd like to congratulate Michael and the team
00:03:06on solving the logistics of materializing a full-size plane
00:03:10carrying a human passenger in mid-flight.
00:03:15I'm glad to see you're all as excited as I am.
00:03:18Any updates?
00:03:20Ah, yes.
00:03:21Muriel.
00:03:23You wanted me to tell you when he was awake and incarnate.
00:03:26And well, he is both.
00:03:29Wonderful.
00:03:30And how did he take it?
00:03:31Oh, pretty well.
00:03:33He's a bit...
00:03:34Whoa.
00:03:35I've got a body, what's this about then?
00:03:37And I'm all...
00:03:38Not really my job.
00:03:39And he's all...
00:03:40I have absolutely no idea what's happening.
00:03:42And I'm all...
00:03:43Everything is set.
00:03:44We have the quite long checklist you gave us.
00:03:48Aziraphale.
00:03:50Nothing will go wrong.
00:03:52The car will meet the plane on the tarmac.
00:03:54The archangel Sandalfon, good fellow, will drive the risen Christ directly to the United Nations,
00:04:00where Uriel and Michael will meet him.
00:04:03Perhaps with a cup of tea.
00:04:05Then Jesus will make his speech to all the nations of the world, in all the tongues of the world,
00:04:11and then joy unbounded, peace on earth, and all that good stuff.
00:04:15Peace on earth.
00:04:17Right.
00:04:18Any questions?
00:04:18No?
00:04:19Good.
00:04:19Right.
00:04:19Let's kick off the second coming.
00:04:26Oh, hello.
00:04:28Um, so I'm pretty sure I am Joshua, uh, son of Joseph.
00:04:34Now, my memory's a bit funny, but, um, the last thing I remember, I was being crucified.
00:04:38You transcended the flesh.
00:04:40But now you're back.
00:04:41New flesh.
00:04:42And we're sending you back to earth to bring about universal happiness.
00:04:47Are you sure you've got the right person?
00:04:49Oh, absolutely certain.
00:04:50You've spent the last couple thousand years as part of the Triune Godhead.
00:04:55But now you've got a mortal body again, so you can talk to humanity, you know.
00:05:00Mortal to mortal.
00:05:01And tell them it's the end times.
00:05:04Well, not quite.
00:05:06Not quite.
00:05:08No, that whole epoch, um, it's a bit old-fashioned.
00:05:12You know, times have changed, and I was thinking we might try something a little more upbeat.
00:05:16Oh, look out.
00:05:17Here comes universal happiness.
00:05:19No, end times.
00:05:21Or not.
00:05:23Happiness universal.
00:05:25Joy unbounded, etc.
00:05:27Has this been signed off?
00:05:28Yes, by me.
00:05:29I'm in charge.
00:05:30For now.
00:05:31Sorry?
00:05:31Nothing.
00:05:32Where are the scars?
00:05:34I'd get carpenter's hands.
00:05:35Whole new miraculous physical body.
00:05:38You've got to have a body.
00:05:39Otherwise they're all, who said that?
00:05:41You just need to give a speech.
00:05:43Aziraphale has prepared it for you.
00:05:45You will be on every television, every phone, and each person on earth will hear you talking
00:05:51to them in their own language.
00:05:53Miracle.
00:05:54I'm sure it'll be very motivational.
00:05:57I think we need to revisit the end times.
00:05:59No, we don't.
00:06:00And all the smiting we have to do.
00:06:02I'm not really following any of this.
00:06:04Are any of my friends here?
00:06:07Simon or Thomas?
00:06:09I'd quite like to talk to them.
00:06:10It's been a long time.
00:06:12My mum?
00:06:13Thousands of years.
00:06:15All the humans we once knew are, um, dead.
00:06:21Really?
00:06:23Well, what about the angel who visited to give me strength the night before all the, um,
00:06:30the nailing business?
00:06:32Um, Gabriel, I think he said.
00:06:33Oh, did he?
00:06:34Yes.
00:06:34He wasn't a lot of help, to be honest.
00:06:36I mean, he maybe spoke about himself, but.
00:06:38Also, um, not in the picture any longer.
00:06:41But that must be, wait, the redhead one, with the, um, with the funny eyes.
00:06:45Oh, he showed me all the cities of the world.
00:06:49Oh, he was one of your lot, too, wasn't he?
00:06:51Um, not human?
00:06:53Yeah, oh, is he still around?
00:06:54Not up here, or in hell.
00:06:56He's down on Earth these days.
00:06:58Not really our kind of person.
00:07:00Oh, wait, no, but he seemed nice.
00:07:01He has, uh, qualities.
00:07:04Okay, well, I mean, if I've got to go to Earth anyway.
00:07:06That won't be appropriate, I'm afraid.
00:07:07Our sandal form here will be looking after you.
00:07:10Find her.
00:07:18Wait, Mrs. Sandwich?
00:07:19I'm not giving you anything, Crowley.
00:07:21Oh, come on, Mrs. Sandwich.
00:07:23Come on, 150 quid.
00:07:24Tonight, I will finally get it back.
00:07:26Ryan won't give up anything he won fair and square, love.
00:07:29This time will be different.
00:07:32Thank you very much.
00:07:34Oh.
00:07:35If it would, I'll be back.
00:07:41We have a winner, Mr. Crowley.
00:07:42It's just numbers and odds.
00:07:44When you've designed star systems, blackjacks are gone.
00:07:48Another win?
00:07:49Boom!
00:07:52Come to daddy.
00:07:59Oh, hello, Misty.
00:08:01Oh.
00:08:02It's so funny to me and film them on your own.
00:08:04Come on.
00:08:05Tell us a funny story about gorillas.
00:08:08Or dolphins.
00:08:09Come on.
00:08:10How much have I won today?
00:08:12About a hundred grand.
00:08:13Ooh!
00:08:15Hundred thousand smackaronis!
00:08:18That's got to be enough to get Ryan out of the back room!
00:08:21You know it never ends well.
00:08:23Take it from me, son.
00:08:25Take the win.
00:08:27Ah!
00:08:28Ernie!
00:08:28Here's the big B.C.
00:08:31Hundred thousand quid.
00:08:32Come on.
00:08:33That's more than it's ever worth.
00:08:34I won it.
00:08:35Cars mine.
00:08:37I'll toss you for it.
00:08:39You heard what you said.
00:08:41Customer's always right.
00:08:42I'd sleep on, too.
00:08:43Matt, come here, son.
00:08:44Yeah.
00:08:45Who is this?
00:08:46Right, now.
00:08:48You find the lady.
00:08:49And the penalty's yours.
00:09:09That's a shame.
00:09:11The penalty's still right.
00:09:14I've lost worse things than that.
00:09:19You're a loser, Crowley.
00:09:21You don't even come here to lose.
00:09:23You could have walked out here a very rich man.
00:09:29You're a mug.
00:09:44Were you good?
00:09:49What do you think of the speech?
00:09:52I think it's a bit on the nose.
00:09:55I, um...
00:09:56I like telling stories.
00:09:59Uh, like parables, if you will.
00:10:01Which, um, which draw people in...
00:10:03Aziraphale wrote it.
00:10:04It's been market-tested.
00:10:06On him.
00:10:10Metatron level.
00:10:15What?
00:10:17What?
00:10:18What are you doing there?
00:10:19You know you are not allowed up here!
00:10:22And what are you doing with that?
00:10:25Give it to me!
00:10:26I...
00:10:27am the only entity authorized...
00:10:32to...
00:10:33Are you...
00:10:43Stay here.
00:10:50Somebody sounded the alarm.
00:10:52That would have been me.
00:10:53Something's wrong.
00:10:55The Metatrons have vanished.
00:10:57Vanished?
00:10:58Could you have gone for a walk?
00:10:59He's not in the universe.
00:11:01That's ridiculous.
00:11:03I mean...
00:11:03Along off.
00:11:04The only way the Metatron would be gone from the universe is if...
00:11:07There wasn't a Metatron any longer.
00:11:09If he was dead, you mean?
00:11:10Of course the Metatron's not dead.
00:11:14Sandalphon?
00:11:16Where's Jesus?
00:11:24Earth.
00:11:50Oh, hello.
00:11:51Excuse me.
00:11:53I'm out of cash, mate.
00:11:53Sorry.
00:11:54No, no.
00:11:54Something smells good.
00:11:56I haven't eaten in a long time.
00:12:00Here.
00:12:01Toasted cheese, Sani.
00:12:03You need it more than I do.
00:12:06Mmm.
00:12:08This is really kind of you.
00:12:11You know,
00:12:12Mel's a man who had three sons.
00:12:13Sorry, mate.
00:12:14Food I can do.
00:12:15Well,
00:12:16I'm not ready after stories.
00:12:18Oh, actually.
00:12:20I'm looking for...
00:12:22He has, um...
00:12:23He has red hair
00:12:24and yellow eyes.
00:12:25He knows a lot of things.
00:12:27I think he's an angel?
00:12:30Don't know.
00:12:37Excuse me.
00:12:40Excuse me.
00:12:41I'm sorry to wake you.
00:12:42I'm not asleep.
00:12:43I'm not cold.
00:12:44Oh.
00:12:45Would you like some of my cheese, Sani?
00:12:46Oh, leave me alone.
00:12:48It was...
00:12:50Heartbroken.
00:12:51It was well broken.
00:12:53It's a point of everything.
00:12:54I wanted to ask you.
00:12:56You showed me all those cities.
00:12:57What should I do now?
00:12:59The thing is.
00:13:00The thing is.
00:13:02The thing is, isn't it?
00:13:03What's that saying?
00:13:04You were saying the thing is.
00:13:05That thing of the three cars,
00:13:08isn't it?
00:13:09Always.
00:13:11Find the lady.
00:13:12You learn that.
00:13:12You're set.
00:13:13Find the lady.
00:13:15Love tunnel, bring the baby.
00:13:16Let's...
00:13:17Shut up, shut up.
00:13:18Shut up, shut up, shut up.
00:13:19Shut up, shut up, shut up.
00:13:21I want to live in the wrong place,
00:13:22didn't I?
00:13:24The thing with the three cars.
00:13:26Find the lady.
00:13:28And if I learn to find the lady
00:13:30with the three cars,
00:13:31that will help me understand
00:13:32my purpose here.
00:13:34You are taking up my valuable passing out wrong time.
00:13:40Be gone.
00:13:41All right.
00:13:42Night-night.
00:13:44Night-night.
00:13:45Night-night.
00:13:47Obviously, Jesus won't be in the Earth observation files.
00:13:50The Antichrist wasn't.
00:13:51But the book of life is something else entirely.
00:13:55So, where is it?
00:13:57Well, it should be on that lectern,
00:14:00where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:14:03You can't just walk away.
00:14:04You need to report this.
00:14:05Oh, there's not currently anyone to report to.
00:14:08The Metatron's done a bunk, remember?
00:14:09Indeed.
00:14:10No Metatron,
00:14:10as the former Archangel Sandalphon says.
00:14:13Former Archangel?
00:14:14Unfortunate devotion,
00:14:15because of losing the Messiah.
00:14:16But you can't...
00:14:17Oh, we can't lose Jesus and the book of life
00:14:19at the same time.
00:14:20Two things.
00:14:21No, we've also lost the Metatron.
00:14:23Three things.
00:14:24Oh, for...
00:14:26Oh, dear.
00:14:29Lot on your plate.
00:14:31Balls being dropped.
00:14:34Look, why don't I try to locate the book of life
00:14:38with, um, with...
00:14:41Muriel as my investigating angel?
00:14:44And then I can focus on finding Jesus.
00:14:46Yes, yes.
00:14:47Yes, excellent plan.
00:14:50A demotion.
00:14:52He didn't mean it, did he?
00:14:53I'm afraid he did,
00:14:55junior recording angel Sandalphon.
00:15:05Sober him up!
00:15:09Do you think he's dangerous?
00:15:11Not anymore.
00:15:13Well, but somebody trod him.
00:15:15He's pretending he's asleep.
00:15:19I quit, Dagon.
00:15:22Didn't you get the memo?
00:15:27You didn't send a memo.
00:15:30That's because I quit.
00:15:33I'm unquitting you, forthwith.
00:15:36Upstairs has begun Operation Second Coming.
00:15:42Oh, I see.
00:15:44So the end times have begun.
00:15:47Again.
00:15:49Oh, there you go.
00:15:50No, I don't go.
00:15:52They've lost him.
00:15:57No.
00:15:59The one who starts it all off.
00:16:00Nailed up, boy.
00:16:02Jesus.
00:16:04Jesus.
00:16:07And I'm here because...
00:16:09We need you to find him, Crowley.
00:16:11Before they do.
00:16:13Right.
00:16:14You can't even say his name.
00:16:16What do you do if you do find him?
00:16:18A hostage.
00:16:21With...
00:16:22Jesus.
00:16:22In our hand, we can attack heaven.
00:16:27And the war of all wars will reign us down.
00:16:31We'll be living upstairs.
00:16:34And they'll be down here.
00:16:36Oh, no.
00:16:37You understand humans, Crowley.
00:16:40So find him.
00:16:41Help us.
00:16:42We'll help you.
00:16:44No.
00:16:45No.
00:16:47Oh, no.
00:16:48No.
00:16:50No.
00:16:51Well, you'll regret this.
00:16:55I'll add it to the list.
00:16:59Well, get him out of here!
00:17:04Are you okay?
00:17:06Uh, yes, of course.
00:17:08I just, um...
00:17:10Well, I need to, uh...
00:17:12sort this out.
00:17:14Now, where to start?
00:17:17Why don't you ask your...
00:17:20friend...
00:17:20friend...
00:17:21to help?
00:17:25My...
00:17:26Oh, no, no, no.
00:17:27No, I can't.
00:17:28That's out of the question.
00:17:30He might like to see you anyway.
00:17:33Last time I saw him,
00:17:34he wasn't in the best way, to be honest.
00:17:37He seemed a bit...
00:17:40lost.
00:17:48All right.
00:17:49No, no, no, no.
00:17:56No, no, no...
00:18:00No, he was.
00:18:02No!
00:18:04No!
00:18:04Oh, no!
00:18:05No, he was.
00:18:05No, he was.
00:18:07No, no, no.
00:18:10No, no, no.
00:18:10No, no, no.
00:18:10I could.enario
00:18:124 autops. ****หนяжkinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskinskins.
00:18:12Oh, I never thought I'd see your face here again.
00:18:16I, um, um...
00:18:19Oh, everyone's gone.
00:18:20Or been bought out.
00:18:22Not me.
00:18:24I stick it out here in Soho like a barnacle to a rock.
00:18:32I, um...
00:18:33Hello.
00:18:35Look, um, my friend, Crowley.
00:18:38Have you seen him?
00:18:40Um, you wouldn't be looking for him unless you needed something.
00:18:43Because you're a taker, you are.
00:18:45You never cared for him.
00:18:47Or Whitmer Street.
00:18:48I, I love Whitmer Street.
00:18:50Yeah?
00:18:51Well, where were you when it got bad?
00:18:55You know, I never thought you'd be back to gloat.
00:19:01To gloat?
00:19:03It's down there.
00:19:36I've, um...
00:19:36Please get up.
00:19:38I'm fine, I'll do your things.
00:19:43Look, I know you're upset with me.
00:19:45Yeah.
00:19:46But I'm willing to overlook that.
00:19:49Because, well, we have a lot to discuss.
00:19:53I have nothing to say to you.
00:19:56If you're expecting me to do the I was wrong dance,
00:19:59then I'm afraid you'll be waiting rather a long time.
00:20:01We're way beyond little dances, Angel.
00:20:06Close the door in your way, Al.
00:20:10But you, you don't have a door.
00:20:18You, you, you, you, you, you.
00:20:42Ah, my start, Lionel, you don't have a door.
00:20:48weakness.
00:20:48Yes.
00:20:49Oh, my take it.
00:20:57Break your heart.
00:20:58Correct.
00:21:03You were in a bookshop for centuries.
00:21:07You loved your bookshop.
00:21:09And then you just walked away.
00:21:11What happened here?
00:21:13Well, you tell me.
00:21:15Muriel was meant to take over the place.
00:21:17They were here for a few weeks and then closed the door.
00:21:20I needed Muriel.
00:21:21I needed someone to work with me in heaven who was nice.
00:21:26Oh.
00:21:27But that's not what I meant.
00:21:29What I meant was what happened here.
00:21:33I've been gone for years.
00:21:34I mean, the place is a bit dusty, yes.
00:21:38The window's broken.
00:21:41Nothing's been taken.
00:21:42No rodent problem.
00:21:45Expect rats, wouldn't you?
00:21:47You weren't here.
00:21:49I wasn't going to leave this place as well.
00:21:55No.
00:21:58Obviously not.
00:22:01I suppose I should say thank you.
00:22:06Better not.
00:22:10Do you want an apology from me?
00:22:14I was trying to do the right thing.
00:22:16Well, you know what they say about the road to hell.
00:22:19What?
00:22:20Need repaving.
00:22:22Look, Granny.
00:22:24I've come to help you.
00:22:26Have you?
00:22:27Yes.
00:22:28No, you haven't.
00:22:29This is about Jesus.
00:22:30You were bringing him back and now you've lost him.
00:22:32How do you know that?
00:22:34Live in an alleyway.
00:22:35People tell you things.
00:22:36Well, yes.
00:22:39I mean, there is that.
00:22:41I mean, we found the Antichrist together.
00:22:45You and me.
00:22:46Ancient history.
00:22:47Jesus remembers you, you know.
00:22:49He was asking after you.
00:22:51He seemed, well, very nice.
00:22:56And now he's out there on his own.
00:23:00Poor thing.
00:23:03I only hope they don't nail him up again.
00:23:05Well, they wouldn't do that again, surely.
00:23:06Well, they haven't changed much, have they?
00:23:09Heaven is looking for him.
00:23:10Hell will be too.
00:23:12No one can find him.
00:23:13Crowley, this is bigger than you and me.
00:23:16Well, I can't help you.
00:23:17Why not?
00:23:17I don't have a car.
00:23:19Well, then by all means, get your car.
00:23:20Where is it?
00:23:22You've lost it?
00:23:23Yes.
00:23:24How?
00:23:26I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:23:28I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.
00:23:29I lost it in a game of skill and chance.
00:23:31To whom?
00:23:33Brian Cameron.
00:23:34Bri?
00:23:35I've never heard of him.
00:23:36Sounds like an accountant.
00:23:37How on earth could you lose your Bentley to a man named Brian Cameron?
00:23:40He's a gangster.
00:23:43I was still sleeping in my car.
00:23:49I always wanted a classic Bentley.
00:23:51I thought a man who owns a car like that must definitely be a...
00:23:53up for a little wager, a little gain of skill and chance.
00:23:57I'm not going to do that.
00:23:58This is my house.
00:23:59Of course I can't, you know, force you to pay.
00:24:02But what I could do is set it far to that little bookshop and burn it down to the ground
00:24:06right now.
00:24:09No, it's because I see you sleeping outside it and I often see you inside.
00:24:14Keeping a cheeky little eye.
00:24:16I'll take the car.
00:24:17I am a businessman, sir.
00:24:19I'm not a common thief.
00:24:20I'm merely suggesting we have a little gentleman's game.
00:24:23I've had enough of this.
00:24:27Your miracle account is no longer active.
00:24:29Please go away.
00:24:32My legal department drew this up.
00:24:34You know, just have a little game.
00:24:35You win.
00:24:37I walk away and nothing catches fire.
00:24:39You lose.
00:24:40And I'll get the penalty.
00:24:44I'm not a wolf.
00:24:47Just sign there now.
00:24:49So, what's the game?
00:24:51It's my favorite board game, actually.
00:24:54Well, what you've got to do is you've got to own everything.
00:24:56And you leave everyone else penniless, crushed and miserable.
00:25:02Sounds like a game only a human could invent.
00:25:05You can be the shoe.
00:25:22Oh, dear.
00:25:34You've already marked your property, sir.
00:25:36Conor I wipes you out.
00:25:38Doesn't it really, though?
00:25:39It's still, it's a bloody good game, isn't it?
00:25:42Penniless.
00:25:44Crushed.
00:25:45And miserable.
00:25:46What on earth did you let him get away with it?
00:25:48I mean, a contract to contract.
00:25:49What could I do?
00:25:50Helen cut me off.
00:25:51Miracle's not an option.
00:25:52You were elsewhere.
00:25:54Yes.
00:25:54Very well, then.
00:25:56We shall go and get our Bentley back.
00:25:59My Bentley?
00:26:00Of course.
00:26:00And then...
00:26:04And then you'll help me find Jesus.
00:26:08I'll do it myself.
00:26:11Crowley.
00:26:12Crowley.
00:26:13Crowley.
00:26:15I am so disappointed in you.
00:26:17Trying to steal my car.
00:26:18I like my Bentley back.
00:26:20Yeah, well, I'd like to play for the Arsenal, but that ain't gonna happen.
00:26:22Neither is it, mates.
00:26:23I just need my car.
00:26:24You need teaching a lesson, it's what you need.
00:26:26And I am.
00:26:28So gonna enjoy that.
00:26:31Who are you?
00:26:32I'm a retired bookseller.
00:26:35I've come to get my friend back.
00:26:37And our car.
00:26:39His car.
00:26:40You're a friend of his?
00:26:41No, he's not.
00:26:41I rather think I am.
00:26:43I'm rescuing you.
00:26:44And liberating our Bentley.
00:26:45Yeah, well, bollocks you are.
00:26:47It's my car.
00:26:47I wanted Ferris Square so you could just, you know, like, goodbye.
00:26:50Rather excited to meet you, actually, Mr. Brian Cameron.
00:26:54From what I hear, you're the second best player of games of skill and chance in all of London.
00:26:59Well done.
00:27:00Second, you say?
00:27:01Well, of course.
00:27:03After me.
00:27:06Perfect.
00:27:09Misty, my love.
00:27:10Break out the board games.
00:27:12I'm afraid not.
00:27:14According to your very own rules, as the challenger, I get to choose.
00:27:18You are.
00:27:20Competitive crossword solving.
00:27:22It's not even a game, is it?
00:27:23First one to finish correctly gets the Bentley.
00:27:26Don't be careful now.
00:27:27Yeah, listen, I can fill in a crossword, all right?
00:27:30But I can ask people for help.
00:27:33I can call them for help if I need it.
00:27:34Right.
00:27:35I can collaborate.
00:27:36Oh, seek as much assistance as you require.
00:27:39Okay, one.
00:27:40One across nine letters.
00:27:42The measured tread of the saints round the dome of St. Peter's.
00:27:45How appropriate.
00:27:46Well, it's ridiculous.
00:27:48In this case, the word round tells you to look with one word inside another,
00:27:51giving us the opening word...
00:27:53The dormitor.
00:27:55Billy.
00:27:56Billy, yes, mate, yes.
00:27:57I need the solution for today's cryptic crossword.
00:27:59I need it right now.
00:28:01It's got to be on the web.
00:28:02Someone do not have to know.
00:28:02A search or something.
00:28:05Yeah, well, then find the bloke that wrote the crossword and threaten him.
00:28:08Tell him we're going to kill his husband or his dog or worse, something like that.
00:28:11Finish!
00:28:13What?
00:28:17No, no, no, no.
00:28:18You could have written anything down.
00:28:20What's ten down?
00:28:23Miss Desmond Levitates for David's spacey song.
00:28:27Refers to Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard.
00:28:29And can be rephrased as Norma Flies, which is an anagram of the David Bowie song, Life on Mars.
00:28:38I'll take the car and my friend.
00:28:44I'm going to have mine.
00:28:46Brian, Brian.
00:28:47I did give you a chance.
00:28:48You really mustn't get angry, you know.
00:28:55We need to get a wiggle on him.
00:28:57Jack, you're right.
00:28:58Dad, sit down.
00:29:00Sit down.
00:29:01Sit down.
00:29:01Shut up.
00:29:03Hold an ambulance.
00:29:12Ow.
00:29:13Ow.
00:29:14Ow.
00:29:14Ow.
00:29:15Ow.
00:29:15Ow.
00:29:15Ow.
00:29:16Ow.
00:29:18Ow.
00:29:20Deal's a deal.
00:29:23Right, let's get this over with.
00:29:24So where is Jesus?
00:29:25I don't know.
00:29:28You don't know?
00:29:29I don't know.
00:29:30Otherwise I wouldn't need to find him, would I?
00:29:32I wouldn't need him.
00:29:32You wouldn't need me, right.
00:29:34Nice.
00:29:35Gotcha.
00:29:37Seriously, no idea.
00:29:40That's quite big, you know.
00:29:41Yes, I'm aware of that.
00:29:42I don't know.
00:29:42Ring a bell.
00:29:43Leave out snacks.
00:29:45Hang signs on lampposts saying Missing Messiah can offer small reward.
00:29:47Oh, no.
00:29:48Look, I don't know.
00:29:56So, do you have any idea where the Book of Life might be?
00:30:01No.
00:30:02I'm afraid no.
00:30:03Sorry.
00:30:05Of course I don't.
00:30:07That's a shame.
00:30:08Or then, any idea how we can have got to wherever it is that we don't know where that even
00:30:16is?
00:30:20Excellent question.
00:30:29I need to find the lady.
00:30:31Oh.
00:30:33Well, once upon a time, my love.
00:30:35I could have seen you well sorted.
00:30:37But it's all on the internet now, isn't it?
00:30:38I need to find the lady.
00:30:41Um, just sit anywhere.
00:30:50Who are you?
00:30:51Jehoshua.
00:30:52Bless you.
00:30:53Bless you.
00:30:55Harry Frisch, mate.
00:30:57Or Harry the Fish, as was.
00:31:00Back when me name meant anything.
00:31:02Then I will call you Harry the Fish.
00:31:05You were a fisher of?
00:31:08What do you do with those cards?
00:31:10For I've been told to find the lady.
00:31:12Find the lady?
00:31:14I did used to work the Monty, sure.
00:31:17With a team of guys.
00:31:19I miss them.
00:31:21I had friends.
00:31:24A team.
00:31:25Twelve friends.
00:31:27I'm solo now.
00:31:28No more Monty, just me.
00:31:31You've got an honest face.
00:31:34You have a beautiful face, Harry.
00:31:36But one filled with pain.
00:31:39So, how do I find the lady?
00:31:44Find the lady.
00:31:45You know, find the lady, find the gravy.
00:31:48Here she is, there she goes, where she ends up.
00:31:50Nobody knows.
00:31:56Will you teach me?
00:32:04How about some music?
00:32:05Um, maybe a little, um, tom-tom garage?
00:32:09Or, um, some riprap?
00:32:11Or, uh, go-go.
00:32:13You have absolutely no idea what any of that means.
00:32:14Yes, I do.
00:32:15They're all types of bebop.
00:32:17Stop flustering me.
00:32:18I can't, I can't think straight.
00:32:20Well, things have been really very complicated for me at the moment, you know?
00:32:23Oh, yeah, you've lost Jesus and bollocks at the second coming.
00:32:25Doesn't get much more complicated than that.
00:32:26And we may have lost the book of life.
00:32:30You've lost it.
00:32:31Well, it does seem to be evading us rather successfully for the moment.
00:32:36Unbelievable.
00:32:37Oh, you leave me to go back to Sword Art Heaven.
00:32:39You've made it into more of a mess than it was already.
00:32:41Look, I had a chance to make a real difference.
00:32:43You still don't get it, do you?
00:32:44You can't change anything.
00:32:46It's all rigged.
00:32:47The entire universe.
00:32:48But I have to try at least.
00:32:49Can't you see that?
00:32:51I don't want an awful, judgy, second coming with those scary horses and half the world being smited.
00:32:58If I'm the boss...
00:32:59Why, you're not!
00:33:00And you never will be!
00:33:01There's always someone above you stacking the deck!
00:33:02Well, not now there isn't.
00:33:03The Metatron's disappeared too.
00:33:06Oh, superb.
00:33:09Mr. Big Giant Floatyhead bought you a lovely coffee himself as done a runner.
00:33:12Ha-ha.
00:33:14You could have avoided all this.
00:33:16We could have done a runner ourselves.
00:33:18Our house should come with me.
00:33:19We could be drinking cocktails and half a centaur.
00:33:21This could be someone else's problem.
00:33:22How could we have been happy there,
00:33:24knowing that we were leaving all these people to goodness knows what awfulness?
00:33:28Second coming.
00:33:29Apocalypse.
00:33:30The end of everything on Earth as it is on Alpha Centauri.
00:33:34I could stop all that.
00:33:35I just wanted to save everything.
00:33:37And so that everybody could have a chance, including us.
00:33:43And how's that working out?
00:33:50Down the ground.
00:33:52Keep walking.
00:33:53We're just coincidentally walking in the same direction.
00:33:55Okay.
00:33:57I may know something.
00:33:58What?
00:33:59I thought...
00:33:59If I tell you, I want to be reinstated as an archangel.
00:34:02I don't have that power.
00:34:04Not yet, you don't.
00:34:04Meet me in the corridor in the space between.
00:34:06They won't be looking there.
00:34:19Hello?
00:34:22Hello?
00:34:24Muriel?
00:34:25Hello?
00:34:28Muriel?
00:34:29Is that you?
00:34:41What are you doing here?
00:34:43This area has been closed off.
00:34:45I was here to meet Sandalfan.
00:34:48Ah, Muriel.
00:35:08Why are you stopping?
00:35:09No, no.
00:35:10No, we can't park here.
00:35:11They'll be looking for the Bentley.
00:35:12They don't have to see it, do they?
00:35:15Oh.
00:35:18Really?
00:35:21We know Jesus is on Earth, but it's a big place.
00:35:24He could be anywhere.
00:35:25Well, he likes deserts.
00:35:26Or he used to.
00:35:27Spent 40 days in one back when I knew.
00:35:34But he can't be.
00:35:36Well, obviously.
00:35:38No.
00:35:40No.
00:35:42I understand.
00:35:43That was Sir Aquil.
00:35:44Well, it appears that Sandalfan is also vanished.
00:35:48Sir Aquil thinks he's been murdered.
00:35:51I need to get back to heaven.
00:35:52You'll just have to begin the hunt for Jesus here yourself.
00:35:54No, no, no.
00:35:54I'm coming with you.
00:35:55To heaven?
00:35:56You most certainly are not.
00:35:57You clearly can't do this on your own.
00:35:58Come on.
00:36:03Muriel.
00:36:04What are you doing in here?
00:36:06I prepared a report on Sandalfan's murder.
00:36:11What's he doing here?
00:36:12Well, he's backup.
00:36:14Two heads.
00:36:15Better than one.
00:36:16He's a demon.
00:36:17Former.
00:36:18Former demon.
00:36:19Now just a private individual.
00:36:23So, Sandalfan vanishes.
00:36:25He said he had things to tell me.
00:36:27I think it was about the Metatron and the Book of Life.
00:36:30You think?
00:36:31So, no actual information, then?
00:36:34And perhaps you need some help?
00:36:35Muriel.
00:36:36Muriel is perfect for the job.
00:36:39Your assistance is not required.
00:36:41Your infinite holiness.
00:36:43I would like to register a complaint.
00:36:45This person should not be allowed in heaven.
00:36:49A complaint is duly noted and registered.
00:36:53Will it make a difference?
00:36:55Oh, no.
00:36:58So, the Book of Life, wouldn't the archive monitor show who took it?
00:37:02Of course I thought to check the archive.
00:37:05Look.
00:37:06One moment, it's here.
00:37:08Where it's been since the dawn of time.
00:37:10The next, it's not.
00:37:12So, the moment of theft has been edited out?
00:37:15Not edited.
00:37:17It just goes.
00:37:18I looked for fingerprints, for a magnifying glass, and footprints.
00:37:21So, if the archive wasn't edited, what if reality was?
00:37:27That's perfectly impossible.
00:37:28By the Book of Life itself, you mean?
00:37:32That's brilliant.
00:37:32Simply remove the moment the book was taken from the book itself.
00:37:35Reality adjusts to conform.
00:37:37You can't just remove things from reality.
00:37:39Well, hang around for a while, sure.
00:37:40While reality catches up.
00:37:42Then.
00:37:45I'll be, and that's what's happened to the Metatron.
00:37:47Soon enough, you'll forget all about them.
00:37:49Right.
00:37:50Back to work.
00:37:51Chop, chop.
00:37:52Don't dilly-dally.
00:37:55Oh, thank you, sir.
00:37:57No need.
00:37:58You're doing an excellent job.
00:38:04What is hell is actually behind this?
00:38:06Someone must have had a motive for the theft.
00:38:08A motive for the murder.
00:38:09It wasn't you.
00:38:11I mean, no, it wasn't me.
00:38:12Angels aren't killers.
00:38:13Sorry, are we talking about the same angels?
00:38:14I think you should return to hell and find out everything you can.
00:38:18They know me.
00:38:19I'm not going back.
00:38:20They know you.
00:38:21But they don't know me.
00:38:23I could ask around.
00:38:25Take a look.
00:38:26You are not a demon.
00:38:28They found an undocumented angel wandering around hell.
00:38:30They'd kill you just for starters.
00:38:33Don't you forget.
00:38:34I'm a master of disguise.
00:38:36No, you're not.
00:38:37Oh, that seems to be really good.
00:38:39Are you sure they will recognize me?
00:38:44Pretty sure.
00:38:49Yes?
00:38:50My lord Archduke, Slauch the Vile, master of the secret torments, is here to see Lord Dengon.
00:38:59I don't have anything in the calendar.
00:39:01He has come directly from downstairs.
00:39:05We are downstairs.
00:39:06All the way downstairs.
00:39:17An emissary from all the way downstairs is here.
00:39:22Downstairs?
00:39:24What, now?
00:39:25They're meant to let us know.
00:39:27I don't believe Lord Satan is under any obligation to do anything to make things easier for you, Dengon.
00:39:37Right.
00:39:38Yes.
00:39:40Sorry.
00:39:41No.
00:39:45Have we met?
00:39:47I don't do a lot of mingling.
00:39:50No.
00:39:50No, Lord Satan keeps me very busy with all the, you know, secrets, torments and that.
00:39:58Yes, of course.
00:39:59We are here because of the turmoil upstairs.
00:40:04Your reports on the matter have been disappointing.
00:40:13So I came to investigate personally.
00:40:21The second coming?
00:40:24They lost him, didn't they?
00:40:26Yes.
00:40:27I'm sure they'll find him soon enough.
00:40:30Unless...
00:40:32We know where he is.
00:40:35Nothing you heard.
00:40:38No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:39No.
00:40:40But I'm here on the other matter.
00:40:43Other matter?
00:40:45Upstairs.
00:40:46A murder.
00:40:48A disappearance.
00:40:50The Book of Life.
00:40:52Missing.
00:40:55Don't say you haven't heard anything.
00:40:57We just know what we put in the report.
00:40:59The Metatron and a couple of Archangels removed from the Book of Life.
00:41:02Thus will not vanish up.
00:41:04That's all we know.
00:41:07If someone is holding out from the even further downstairs.
00:41:14We didn't even know the Book was missing.
00:41:16Our secret sauce on the top floor.
00:41:19You didn't slip.
00:41:24Well, I will let his infernal darkness know how helpful you've both been.
00:41:32That's...
00:41:32That's good, isn't it?
00:41:34Is it?
00:41:39Let's hope so.
00:41:48It's a dance, Josh.
00:41:49Find the rhythm.
00:41:54The trick is never to think of it as a trick.
00:41:58The cards want to be manipulated.
00:42:01A bit like people, really.
00:42:03Even me.
00:42:05Wait a minute.
00:42:06I remember this.
00:42:07Remember what?
00:42:09Somebody's all at a loss.
00:42:10And then I say something that helps.
00:42:13Go on, then.
00:42:14Well.
00:42:16Well, for I say to you this.
00:42:18If a man has a boat, then he has the ability to fish.
00:42:21Well, just...
00:42:22Has he got a net?
00:42:23What?
00:42:23The bloke with a boat.
00:42:24He'd need a net.
00:42:25Or a rod.
00:42:26I mean, the boat doesn't catch the fish, does it?
00:42:28No, I may be a bit rusty.
00:42:30I mean, it's been a few centuries.
00:42:32Wait, okay.
00:42:33There was a widow who had three sons, and the first son was a fisherman.
00:42:39Are all these stories about fishing?
00:42:41No.
00:42:43Hurry.
00:42:50Find the lady.
00:43:02Find the lady.
00:43:05Oh, I didn't see a thing.
00:43:09You know, maybe the card's life isn't something you want to be involved in.
00:43:12No.
00:43:13It's the right thing to do.
00:43:16It's a way to reach out to people.
00:43:17I'm pretty sure that's what the lady is.
00:43:20It's people finding peace and love and happiness.
00:43:24Happiness.
00:43:24Let me tell you something, Josh.
00:43:26Life.
00:43:27This life.
00:43:28Blinds you to what matters.
00:43:30Right?
00:43:30I had kids, you know.
00:43:33Missed them growing up, didn't I?
00:43:35Because I was too bloody busy working the cards.
00:43:45Let's give it a go, shall we?
00:43:48I've ordered enormous vans of dim sum for you.
00:43:50That's a bottle of Chateau Neuf-du-Pape, 1988.
00:43:52You know, I'm not going to eat.
00:43:55I'm not that angel any longer.
00:43:57No, it's my job to set an example for all the other angels by making choices.
00:44:04Good, upstanding choices.
00:44:06Right.
00:44:07Does that include choosing heaven instead of me?
00:44:11I chose heaven because of you.
00:44:15You showed me what it meant to be brave and to make a difference, to stand up for what I
00:44:19believed in.
00:44:20Did I?
00:44:21Yes.
00:44:21You told me that heaven wasn't on anybody's side.
00:44:25And I realized I could change that.
00:44:28I could make it on everybody's side.
00:44:30In what way?
00:44:32Well, for a start, Jesus was meant to be sent here to end it all, to end everything.
00:44:38Oh, yes, then.
00:44:38And, well, I did eventually persuade upstairs that the Second Coming didn't have to be Armageddon.
00:44:44It could be a second chance to get things right, to make things better, to inspire the humans,
00:44:50to be, you know, nicer.
00:44:53What did God say to that?
00:44:54Well, she didn't tell me to stop.
00:45:03He, um, he genuinely did speak fondly of you, you know.
00:45:06Jesus.
00:45:07He even remembered your kingdoms of the world routine.
00:45:10Oh, he did he.
00:45:11He was nice.
00:45:12I know.
00:45:13Oh.
00:45:14What?
00:45:17Oh, he was here.
00:45:20Light of the world.
00:45:21Mary's bloody boy child.
00:45:22He was here.
00:45:23In Soho.
00:45:25Oh, that was him.
00:45:26I talked to him.
00:45:26On my noses this whole time.
00:45:28And you didn't recognize him.
00:45:29Now, before you get all judgy, in my defense, I was astonishingly drunk.
00:45:33Well, that's hardly an actual dip.
00:45:35No, no, I won't do that.
00:45:36No, this is good news.
00:45:37It means you can't be far.
00:45:38Yeah, certainly narrowed down the scope of the search.
00:45:40Way fewer temples.
00:45:42Deserts.
00:45:43What about hell?
00:45:44Any clues?
00:45:44I don't think they had a clue about anything, to be honest.
00:45:47In fact, I'm even realizing that some of their information was off.
00:45:53How so?
00:45:53Well, their sources told them that the Metatron and two archangels had been murdered using the Book of Life.
00:46:00And?
00:46:00Only one archangel has been murdered.
00:46:02Sandalfon.
00:46:04So what they were told is wrong.
00:46:07Unless.
00:46:08What they heard was not what had already happened.
00:46:12But a plan.
00:46:14Why would anybody tell them their plan?
00:46:16Of course they're a bit deranged.
00:46:19The wrong hands of the Book of Life has the power to drive anyone mad.
00:46:22We're not built to cope with pasts, presents, and futures that don't match up.
00:46:27Time stops meaning anything.
00:46:29Constantly unhappening bits of reality could make someone lose track of what will be true.
00:46:35But isn't true yet.
00:46:37Oh, exactly.
00:46:39And if it's not someone from hell who has the plan, then...
00:46:43Then...
00:46:45Oh, no.
00:46:49Oh.
00:46:56I really have missed food.
00:46:59So, I think the next step...
00:47:01The next step is you sitting back down.
00:47:03Hello, Misty.
00:47:05Everything okay?
00:47:06My dad's in intensive care.
00:47:08You know, the toughest bloke in all of London.
00:47:10And you two could have killed him.
00:47:12I don't think we did.
00:47:14He won your car fair and square.
00:47:15Just as my friend wanted fair and square back from him.
00:47:17You said they stole it.
00:47:18Yeah.
00:47:18Not at all.
00:47:19We signed a contract.
00:47:20And then I beat him in a cryptic crossword.
00:47:22Oh, that is a tough one.
00:47:24Misty, your dad is in hospital because of anger management issues and adultery heart valve.
00:47:28Shut it!
00:47:29You're coming with us to your shithole bookshop and you're going to watch us burn it down.
00:47:34I think I sold it.
00:47:36How are you supposed to be?
00:47:38The case.
00:47:39Michael chose me to investigate the book's disappearance.
00:47:41And I've been investigating.
00:47:43And then I thought...
00:47:44What is this?
00:47:45I'm really enthusiastic.
00:47:46And I've read a lot of human detective books.
00:47:49And I'm nice.
00:47:50Kind of in the middle of something, yeah?
00:47:51But I'm only the perfect person for the job if you don't want the real answer.
00:47:56I'm the useful idiot!
00:47:58And then I thought...
00:47:59Oh, my heavens.
00:48:00I know who did it.
00:48:01I made a deduction.
00:48:02A proper one.
00:48:04You worked out that Michael's the one that's been doing this?
00:48:06Yes.
00:48:06Um, I worked out that...
00:48:09Oh, you knew?
00:48:10Yeah.
00:48:10Look, can we please focus on the threats of extreme violence?
00:48:13If we worked it out over Dim Song,
00:48:15hell knew what was happening or about to happen before we did.
00:48:18Michael's the one that talks to hell.
00:48:19Swayza was being backchannel, so...
00:48:21Yeah.
00:48:21But your deduction really was excellent.
00:48:24What are you getting?
00:48:25Bookshop?
00:48:26Burn!
00:48:26Burn the bookshop!
00:48:28Hell is not marked!
00:48:30How about some gentle ribbing?
00:48:31Oh, for...
00:48:32Who the hell are you?
00:48:33You are not Lord Slorch.
00:48:34His vileness was elsewhere, inventing new torments.
00:48:37Your presence was a violation of preternatural diplomacy.
00:48:40This means war, doesn't everything?
00:48:43Hello again.
00:48:44Oh.
00:48:45Hello.
00:48:46You're almost certainly in trouble too.
00:48:48Quiet!
00:48:50What are you standing around for?
00:48:51Break something?
00:48:52Lots of things!
00:48:53To be fair, Misty, Brian's cardiologist was always suggesting yoga and mindfulness.
00:48:58Change of diet, getting away from thinking about work.
00:49:01Shut up and start hurting people.
00:49:03Never really solves anything, though, doing that, does it?
00:49:05No.
00:49:06And you know, you can love your father without having to be like him.
00:49:10Perhaps there'll be a miracle and he'll pull through.
00:49:13Not that he deserves it.
00:49:16You should be at his side.
00:49:20I've no idea who that lady was.
00:49:22She's right.
00:49:24There must be hurting and burning.
00:49:26Hell is not mocked!
00:49:31Missing Messiah is one thing.
00:49:32Book of Life in the wrong hands is quite another.
00:49:33That is potentially the end of everything.
00:49:35Finding my lid is there.
00:49:43Hello, Uriel.
00:49:45You looking for me?
00:49:47I need to speak to Aziraphale.
00:49:48Oh, you mean the Supreme Archangel?
00:49:51You can talk to me.
00:49:52Aziraphale has, um, other plans.
00:49:55Wait, Supreme, you're not in charge.
00:49:57Strictly speaking, I have other plans for him.
00:50:00But, you know, potato, potato.
00:50:02I have a plan for everything.
00:50:05Well, it's more of a checklist.
00:50:07Quite long.
00:50:08But, uh, just the one item for Aziraphale.
00:50:13Not existing anymore.
00:50:16The Metatron.
00:50:18Sandal file.
00:50:19I undid the wall.
00:50:23Why?
00:50:24Oh!
00:50:25I don't know.
00:50:27Maybe the literal infinity of grinding, Slark.
00:50:32Carrying out the idiotic plans of Archangels too vain or too nice to get the job done.
00:50:38I cannot let Aziraphale botch this.
00:50:43The Second Coming must be done properly.
00:50:46As it was foretold.
00:50:48But that means...
00:50:48It means destruction.
00:50:51It's my go this time.
00:50:54And it's going to be a clean slate.
00:50:55Very, very clean.
00:51:10Would you like to know how I did it?
00:51:11Would you?
00:51:14It's remarkably easy.
00:51:18I did it like this.
00:51:24Do you know what's going to happen to you now, Uriel?
00:51:27No, I...
00:51:28Nothing.
00:51:29Nothing's going to happen to you.
00:51:32All the nothing in the world.
00:51:36Oh, look!
00:51:38Look!
00:51:39It's happening right now!
00:51:40I don't know!
00:52:01Uriel's gone.
00:52:02Gone?
00:52:02Gone where?
00:52:03Gone, gone.
00:52:04Murdered, I expect.
00:52:05There's your second death, window.
00:52:06We worked out who did it.
00:52:08Michael.
00:52:09How did you know?
00:52:10Because you're too dim. He's too nice.
00:52:13And I'm confident that I didn't go on a fit of homicidal insanity.
00:52:18Meanwhile, things are just disappearing.
00:52:21Pop, pop, pop.
00:52:25And Canada.
00:52:26We've just lost Canada.
00:52:28Michael's destroying the Book of Life.
00:52:30No, no, no. It's impossible. We'll let you destroy it.
00:52:33A few pages here and they're fine, but no, no, no.
00:52:35It's too well made.
00:52:35Where is Michael now?
00:52:38Not on Earth, not in Heaven.
00:52:40Your guess is as good as mine.
00:52:42If the Book of Life can't be destroyed here, where can it be destroyed?
00:52:46There isn't anywhere.
00:52:48Yes, there is.
00:52:49We all fought for control during the Great War. My side lost.
00:52:52The eternal flame now.
00:52:53That would do it.
00:52:56Michael must have used the Book itself to travel to the center of the universe.
00:52:59That's the only way of getting there.
00:53:01That is where you are very wrong, Angel. Time to go.
00:53:04You two, keep it all together. Earth.
00:53:06Do everything you can.
00:53:07Yes, please do.
00:53:09You've always been so good at that.
00:53:10Worked so hard.
00:53:20Australia.
00:53:22What good's in Australia anyway? It's just...
00:53:24Just stuff.
00:53:26People.
00:53:28Boomerangs.
00:53:28Boomerangs.
00:53:29Big, bouncing rats.
00:53:39Wasn't there?
00:53:39Found him!
00:53:40And I found the lady.
00:53:41And I found my mission too.
00:53:43We really should be going.
00:53:43It's to reach out to people.
00:53:44And do that with them reaching out.
00:53:46And make them feel well until the very end.
00:53:49Which hopefully won't happen.
00:53:55Come on, mate. Let's get started.
00:53:59How fast did you see this goes?
00:54:01What on earth?
00:54:01About 150 out there.
00:54:03A whole lot faster than light.
00:54:04A super star, leaping through the sky.
00:54:08Like a tiger.
00:54:09You're buying the laws.
00:54:10I'm running out of tea.
00:54:12I'm a racing car.
00:54:13I'm passing by.
00:54:14Like Lady Godiva.
00:54:16I'm going to eat.
00:54:17Oh, oh.
00:54:18There's no stopping me.
00:54:21I'm running through the sky.
00:54:23Oi, oi.
00:54:24Step right up and no mistake.
00:54:26Easiest money you'll ever make.
00:54:28Come on, gather round.
00:54:29Gotta say something as well.
00:54:31You know, a bit of patter.
00:54:31Come to me, all of you who are weary.
00:54:35And I will give you rest.
00:54:38Come to me if you are hurt or lonely.
00:54:41A bit dark, maybe.
00:54:44Looking back, I have a feeling that this is precisely the sort of thing that got me in trouble the
00:54:48last time.
00:54:49I'm with you this time.
00:54:50Don't worry.
00:54:51Speak to him.
00:54:54I only wanted to put my foot all the way down.
00:55:14Oh, there goes Alpha Centauri.
00:55:16No cocktails there.
00:55:19That's...
00:55:20Hang on, Angel!
00:55:21Help!
00:55:22Augh!
00:55:34Augh!
00:55:34Augh!
00:55:35Augh!
00:55:36Augh!
00:55:36Augh!
00:55:36Augh!
00:55:37Augh!
00:55:38Augh!
00:55:40Come to me, all ye.
00:55:42I have a gift for you.
00:55:43Did he just say all ye?
00:55:45Have some elaborate bread and cheese.
00:55:50Is there any more of that?
00:55:53You know, Martin was an accident.
00:55:55He mixed up the pill bottles.
00:55:57I always wondered.
00:56:00I loved him so much.
00:56:02I'll have a slice, love.
00:56:04Your sister in Bridlington.
00:56:06Hang on, how...
00:56:07She wants you to come home.
00:56:09Yeah?
00:56:10Well, she said I brought shame on family, so...
00:56:12Well, she's too proud to apologise.
00:56:14And your mum's ill.
00:56:18Blessed are the lonely and the hungry.
00:56:21Come to me, those who are lost.
00:56:23For you shall find your way home.
00:56:29Please take a piece.
00:56:30There's plenty for all.
00:56:32And blessed are you, above all men,
00:56:36Harry the fish.
00:56:38For you've taught me the way of the three cards.
00:56:41You're like the son I never had, Josh.
00:56:44I mean, I did have a son and he doesn't speak to me,
00:56:46but if he did, I couldn't be more chuffed.
00:56:50Not only have they lost Nailboy,
00:56:52they've broke to buy logs by it down here.
00:56:56No, no, no, no, no.
00:56:58Now that Heaven's lost its stupid second coming,
00:57:01it's all gone through and it's barrel-pumpers.
00:57:03Oh, they're the bad guys now.
00:57:08Now...
00:57:09Now it's our time.
00:57:11Isn't this pretty much what you said last time?
00:57:14But now it will finally be me
00:57:18at the front of our army,
00:57:20marching into heaven and so...
00:57:29Armageddon.
00:57:44Your soul is important to us.
00:57:47Please hold.
00:57:51You know, you went completely down.
00:57:55Oh, I was.
00:58:04This doesn't feel like universal happiness.
00:58:07I don't even know what's happening.
00:58:08My phone's dead.
00:58:10Where is anyone?
00:58:14Where did he go?
00:58:17But I'm coming back to Bricklington.
00:58:20You are a joy-bringer, Josh.
00:58:23And I wanted to tell you that I...
00:58:30Well...
00:58:31This is it, I suppose.
00:58:34Into your hands I commit my spirit!
00:58:38Again!
00:58:41I never really seem to get much of a go.
00:58:52Hello, Michael.
00:58:54Do you want to talk about this?
00:58:56I don't really feel like talking, thank you very much.
00:58:59I've got a lot to do.
00:59:00I'm burning it all.
00:59:04Air fryers.
00:59:05I'm the only one who knows there ever were air fries.
00:59:07You poor thing.
00:59:09You must be so tired.
00:59:12Must I?
00:59:13You've been doing everything, haven't you?
00:59:16So long.
00:59:17And no one ever said thank you, did they?
00:59:21Not once. Ever.
00:59:24You must have got so tired being overlooked.
00:59:27Not being appreciated.
00:59:30For thousands of years.
00:59:32Somebody had to make things work.
00:59:35Oh.
00:59:35And you were so good at that.
00:59:37So capable.
00:59:38I was.
00:59:39And they were so stupid.
00:59:43You were Aziraphale and Gabriel and the Metatron.
00:59:47Do you remember the Metatron?
00:59:49He's here somewhere, I think.
00:59:51Oh yes, I'm here.
00:59:53You'll still know I existed, Michael.
00:59:58Be quiet.
00:59:59Be quiet!
01:00:02We don't have to listen to you.
01:00:05You killed us!
01:00:08I'm the only one who remembers.
01:00:11I remember everything.
01:00:13Strands.
01:00:15All the possibilities.
01:00:17Everything that happened.
01:00:19Everything that didn't.
01:00:21I remember it all.
01:00:22It's all in my head.
01:00:24Oh, it hurts!
01:00:28Oh.
01:00:31It's over.
01:00:35Metatron did it first.
01:00:37He used to just...
01:00:38He used to just fiddle with things in the book.
01:00:41Get them how he wanted them.
01:00:42And I thought maybe I could do that.
01:00:43Maybe I...
01:00:45I...
01:00:46I'm the only angel who can make the original plan work.
01:00:50The great plan.
01:00:52I do understand.
01:00:54I just wanted to fix things.
01:00:57Yes, me too.
01:01:00But through love.
01:01:02And hope.
01:01:05Michael.
01:01:06What?
01:01:06There is only ever one way.
01:01:09To fix things.
01:01:12And I'm...
01:01:13Going to do that now.
01:01:15What?
01:01:16What are you gonna do?
01:01:18I'm going to forgive you.
01:01:22You...
01:01:23You can forgive me.
01:01:28I...
01:01:31I can't...
01:01:34More.
01:01:38Turn the hand quickly.
01:01:44Turn the hand quickly.
01:02:02Open.
01:02:05Someone might want to buy a book.
01:02:08As far as I can tell...
01:02:10The entirety of creation is us in this bookshop.
01:02:14I don't think you're gonna get many customers.
01:02:19Crowley.
01:02:20Before anything else happens...
01:02:23There is one more thing that needs fixing.
01:02:26What?
01:02:27I need you to forgive me.
01:02:30Oh, come on, angel.
01:02:31I need to hear you say it.
01:02:34Please, Crowley.
01:02:36Yee.
01:02:39You were right.
01:02:40No, no, no.
01:02:41Don't do that, don't.
01:02:42Well?
01:02:44I forgive you.
01:02:45I... I didn't...
01:02:54Well, it's just us.
01:02:58In the whole of everything.
01:03:02It's a place for us.
01:03:04We've got nothing.
01:03:07We've got each other.
01:03:09And we've probably got some cocoa.
01:03:12And we've got lots of books.
01:03:14Have we?
01:03:18Good luck reading these.
01:03:20But that's...
01:03:26Even the diggings.
01:03:29Well, if...
01:03:30If it's all come down to this, then...
01:03:32There must be some sort of answer here, finally.
01:03:36To everything.
01:03:37Oh, yeah.
01:03:38Hundred thousand blank books.
01:03:39But one with all the answers in them.
01:03:41Doesn't sound very likely, does it?
01:03:52Can I...
01:03:53Can I help you?
01:03:54I'm afraid all the books appear to be blank.
01:03:57Even the dickings.
01:03:59I know you.
01:04:02You do.
01:04:03Yes.
01:04:05There is something familiar about you.
01:04:09Last time you saw me, I was a thousand feet high.
01:04:12Bright red.
01:04:13Lots of horns and fabulous teeth.
01:04:16Arguing with my son.
01:04:17Satan.
01:04:18Your Satan.
01:04:20That's really just a job title.
01:04:23It means the adversary.
01:04:25And I don't know if I still have a job.
01:04:27But yes.
01:04:29I was the Satan for a very long time.
01:04:33Hello, Crowley.
01:04:34How are you still here?
01:04:36Is that any way to greet an old friend?
01:04:39Oh, we were never friends.
01:04:41I want answers and I want them now.
01:04:43I don't give answers.
01:04:45And God definitely doesn't.
01:04:47So?
01:04:48You're the devil.
01:04:50Can't have been much fun for you.
01:04:55Fun?
01:04:55Fun.
01:04:56It's not about having fun.
01:04:58It's about pride and honour.
01:05:01It's about refusing to acknowledge humans as superior.
01:05:03It's about challenging God.
01:05:05Yeah, but you never really did, did you?
01:05:08Excuse me?
01:05:09The great revolt?
01:05:10The war in heaven?
01:05:11What was that then, eh?
01:05:12Two week holiday in Marbella?
01:05:14You knew what we didn't know, didn't you?
01:05:17You knew we couldn't win.
01:05:18You were never gonna win, were you?
01:05:20That wasn't the plan.
01:05:21I didn't know that.
01:05:22I thought we had a chance and so did you.
01:05:24That's why you joined up.
01:05:26I don't remember why I joined you no anymore.
01:05:29I was tired and I was angry.
01:05:31I wanted it all to make sense.
01:05:33And you seemed to care.
01:05:35I did care.
01:05:37Nah.
01:05:38You were just doing your job.
01:05:42Do you have a pen?
01:05:50What kind of pen do you need?
01:05:56Pass me a book.
01:05:57Which book?
01:05:59Well, it doesn't matter if it's all blank.
01:06:01Whichever one you give is the right one.
01:06:03Bleak House.
01:06:09But that isn't a book of life.
01:06:11It is if we say it is.
01:06:15What are you two idiots doing now?
01:06:17I want answers.
01:06:19Oh, no.
01:06:20No, you can't do that.
01:06:21Oh, yes we can.
01:06:25Do you want to write it?
01:06:28Give me the pen.
01:06:34There were four of them in that bookshop, which was the whole world.
01:06:39An angel.
01:06:41A former demon.
01:06:43The devil himself.
01:06:45And one other.
01:06:47One who was there because they were omnipresent.
01:06:51They had always been there.
01:06:54They would always be there.
01:07:02As you say, Aziraphale, you didn't really need to summon me.
01:07:06I was already here.
01:07:08Yes, you can be everywhere.
01:07:09But that doesn't mean you'll talk to us, Lord.
01:07:15So, Crowley, what's your question?
01:07:17I thought you didn't answer questions.
01:07:19Time's done, Crowley.
01:07:20I'll answer one question from you.
01:07:23But it had better be a good one.
01:07:24Oh, it's a good one.
01:07:26Well, I...
01:07:27It's the only one I've got.
01:07:29It's not the problem of evil, is it?
01:07:32Because I can tell you, I'm over being blamed for that one.
01:07:35No, no, not exactly that.
01:07:37No, just...
01:07:41Ask.
01:07:51Why make people, and then punish them for behaving like people?
01:07:57Humans are gonna human, no matter what we do.
01:07:59There's nothing we can ever do about that.
01:08:00Oh, it is the problem of evil.
01:08:02Well, told you.
01:08:03So predictable.
01:08:04No, no, no, it's not the problem of evil.
01:08:06It's the...
01:08:06It's the problem of everything.
01:08:08But let's talk about people.
01:08:09They are born into a world that is against them in a thousand different ways.
01:08:15And then devote most of their energy to making it worse.
01:08:18Where you'll find the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil is right inside the human mind.
01:08:26But a person isn't the worst thing they've ever done.
01:08:28Any more than they're the best thing they've ever done.
01:08:30Why make them that way?
01:08:31That's free will.
01:08:32Free will? That's just a card trick, isn't it?
01:08:35Suckers think they're playing for real.
01:08:37The dealer knows.
01:08:38Nobody finds the lady unless she wants them to.
01:08:41What about you, Aziraphale?
01:08:43Me?
01:08:44You?
01:08:45Do you have a burning question?
01:08:52I just wish it would have been easier.
01:08:56I just wanted to do the right thing.
01:08:57You what?
01:08:59You just wanted to be left alone to read.
01:09:02You wanted to consume all the yummy human food.
01:09:04The lovely human music.
01:09:06You say all that as if it negates me wanting to do the right thing.
01:09:09Aziraphale.
01:09:10You were the first angel to lie to me.
01:09:14You were lazy.
01:09:16Gluttonous.
01:09:17Prideful.
01:09:18Quite true.
01:09:20And I was also the second best angel you ever had.
01:09:22You were what?
01:09:23The second best angel?
01:09:24So who do you think the best angel was?
01:09:29This one.
01:09:30I was a terrible angel.
01:09:32No, no.
01:09:34No, you were the best of us.
01:09:37You cared so much about everything.
01:09:40You were an artist.
01:09:42You wanted to understand, to make better art.
01:09:46The rest of us, we were just characters in her book.
01:09:51We didn't ask questions.
01:09:53You were the only one of us who genuinely believed there had to be a sensible purpose to it all.
01:10:01I'm nobody's character.
01:10:03If I'm just a part of her story, then what am I doing still here?
01:10:10Do you want me to tell him or will you?
01:10:12I'm interested in what you have to say, angel.
01:10:17Because it's a tidy way to finish.
01:10:21The two of you.
01:10:22The deity and the adversary facing off.
01:10:25And even shaking hands.
01:10:27And then it all ends for good.
01:10:30The cosmic game of chess is over.
01:10:36When we leave, you've just been a stand-in in a cosmic game of solitaire.
01:10:41Well...
01:10:42It's ridiculous.
01:10:45You know, Lord, I...
01:10:47I do have a question.
01:10:49Ask it then.
01:10:53Why...
01:10:53Why give me Crowley?
01:10:57Why make me complete?
01:11:00And then take it away?
01:11:03You know you won't get an answer.
01:11:10Because you were able to value what most people never even know they have.
01:11:17Your love for him was the messiest, silliest, most predictable thing in the universe.
01:11:28And it always made me smile.
01:11:32But that was then.
01:11:34That universe is over.
01:11:37As I think are both of you.
01:11:42You still haven't answered the first question.
01:11:44What I want to know is...
01:11:47Why did you think it was a good idea?
01:11:49Even a sensible idea.
01:11:51To make an infinite universe.
01:11:54Run it for 6,000 years.
01:11:56And then just...
01:11:58Tip the board over.
01:12:00The whole thing's lunacy.
01:12:01Everything ends.
01:12:03A story doesn't have to go beyond the last page of its book, Crowley.
01:12:07And that story is over.
01:12:08I don't accept that.
01:12:09And I do not accept that you're the one that gets to make all these decisions.
01:12:12Why should that be?
01:12:15Very well.
01:12:17I'll let you choose.
01:12:19This decision, this one decision, can be yours.
01:12:24What do you want?
01:12:26Do you want me to put everything back the way it was?
01:12:32Can I talk?
01:12:33Very well.
01:12:34I'll give you privacy.
01:12:49So.
01:12:51What do you want?
01:12:53Me? Why me?
01:12:56Because I only want one thing.
01:12:58And that's not what this is about anymore.
01:13:02What do you want, Crowley?
01:13:13You know what I want?
01:13:18I want a real universe.
01:13:24I want my people to have a chance.
01:13:27I want free will to be a real thing.
01:13:34People deserve the chance to live in the real world.
01:13:45Even if there are no angels.
01:13:51No demons.
01:13:55No paths.
01:14:00Ever again.
01:14:03I want you to get it.
01:14:03No.
01:14:06No.
01:14:12No.
01:14:15No.
01:14:18No.
01:14:20No.
01:14:21No.
01:14:23No.
01:14:24No.
01:14:25No.
01:14:26No.
01:14:29No.
01:14:30a decision. So then he says, I've got a better idea, let's not, and say we did. So I thought,
01:14:42well, there you go. Yes. Made your decision. We want you to create another universe. One
01:14:58without angels. Or demons. No God. No Satan. A universe without a heaven and without a hell.
01:15:09No great plan. Nothing ineffable. It just starts with the Big Bang and then billions of years
01:15:16later with the heat death of the universe. Or you know, however it stops. Heat death isn't
01:15:21a deal breaker. You're asking God to create a godless universe?
01:15:28Neither of you could ever exist in such a universe. You understand.
01:15:32Wait. You're not going to indulge them in this nonsense, are you?
01:15:37Yes. Yes, I think I am.
01:15:42You two fully comprehend the cost. We know what we're asking for.
01:15:50Very well.
01:15:54I'll make it. I'll make the universe your way. I'll even let an earth happen. Eventually
01:16:01there'll be humans and life in all of its mundane glory. Something that both of you will neither
01:16:09know or experience that. That doesn't matter. Say goodbye then.
01:16:17unbelievable.
01:16:18I'll make it.
01:16:18Claram.
01:16:35Oh, my God.
01:16:37Not so much.
01:16:38Just love you.
01:16:43You're revered.
01:16:44Come on.
01:16:45Hi, my God.
01:16:45I don't know.
01:17:17Excuse me.
01:17:18Yes, come out.
01:17:19Yeah, I was just passing.
01:17:20I saw the show.
01:17:21I wondered, do you have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:24Astrophysics.
01:17:25Eric, do we have any books on astrophysics?
01:17:28Oh, is it there, beside gardening?
01:17:32Opposite philosophy.
01:17:34I knew that.
01:17:36It's right.
01:17:40Ah, here we are.
01:17:44Astrophysics for everyone.
01:17:45From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.
01:17:47God, we've had this for years.
01:17:49I think I could probably give it to you for half price.
01:17:53Hmm.
01:17:54You have no idea how much that hurts me.
01:17:57Did I say something wrong?
01:17:59No, I shouldn't have said anything.
01:18:00Sorry, no.
01:18:02I wrote it.
01:18:05Oh, oh.
01:18:07Well, right.
01:18:09Yes, you don't want your own book.
01:18:12Probably already got a copy.
01:18:14Two boxes in the garage.
01:18:16Um, well, how about this?
01:18:20It's not exactly cutting edge, but...
01:18:22Oh, this is, um, Arthur Eddington's Book on Runeter.
01:18:26Second edition, I'm afraid.
01:18:27Oh, this, I've always wanted a copy of this.
01:18:29Oh, wonderful.
01:18:30This is my lucky day.
01:18:31Oh, good.
01:18:32Mine too.
01:18:34How so?
01:18:34Because I, um, have a book you want.
01:18:39Fair enough.
01:18:41Oh, 20 pounds.
01:18:42Wonderful.
01:18:49Did you see we've got a couple of brown coxies?
01:18:52And that big book of astrophysics for everyone.
01:18:56No, no, he's, he's the author, Derek.
01:18:57Yes.
01:18:58He has two boxes in his garage.
01:19:00Definitely shouldn't have mentioned that.
01:19:01There you are.
01:19:02Enjoy.
01:19:04Well, thank you.
01:19:11So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.
01:19:15How'd you know that?
01:19:17Hmm?
01:19:18Well, his name's in big letters on the book you're still holding.
01:19:23Well, aren't you going to go after him?
01:19:25Why would I possibly go after him?
01:19:27Well, you liked him.
01:19:30And it looked very much like he liked you.
01:19:41Oi!
01:19:41I mean, excuse me.
01:19:42Stop.
01:19:43Oh, sorry.
01:19:44You, you, Alisa?
01:19:45Is everything okay?
01:19:47Oh.
01:19:49I told you two boxes.
01:19:50No, I, I, I know.
01:19:51Oh, um, sorry, a bit puffed.
01:19:54Um, no, I bought it.
01:19:56Would you, uh, could you, uh, sign it for me?
01:19:59Of course.
01:20:01What's your name?
01:20:01Uh, Fel.
01:20:02Aza Fel, with an S.
01:20:04Um, do you have a...
01:20:05Oh, dear, sorry.
01:20:06Uh, sir.
01:20:11I, I need you to write your number down, too.
01:20:13For me.
01:20:15So I can ask you to dinner.
01:20:18And, uh, you'll say no, and, um...
01:20:22But at least I'll have asked.
01:20:27Um.
01:20:29I'm not going to give you my number.
01:20:30No, no, no, no.
01:20:31No, sorry.
01:20:32I'll wait for you.
01:20:34Where are we having dinner?
01:20:48Oh, my God.
01:20:52I'm going to go to the house.
01:20:54Oh, my God.
01:20:56I can't breathe this, right?
01:20:57Oh.
01:20:58Confusion is nothing new
01:21:02Flashback, the warm eyes
01:21:05Almost left behind
01:21:07To the case of memories
01:21:11Time after some time
01:21:13So, how was everything?
01:21:15Oh, it was scrumptious, absolutely scrumptious
01:21:19I don't think I've ever had anyone use that word in my life before
01:21:21How well my mother used to say it
01:21:23Right
01:21:24Another one she used to say was tickety-boo
01:21:26Right
01:21:27And Squiffy
01:21:29Squiffy is hopelessly yet amusingly drunk
01:21:32Yes, yes
01:21:34And so the book show
01:21:35Ah, well, um, Derek, uh, he
01:21:40Time after time
01:21:41If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting
01:21:46Time after time
01:21:48If you're lost, you can look and you will find me
01:21:53Time after time
01:21:54If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting
01:21:58Go, go, deliver it
01:22:02Oh, that's scrumptious
01:22:06How are the celestial bodies tonight behaving?
01:22:10It's the Ata Aquarid meteor show
01:22:14Well, I might need a telescope and see with a naked eye
01:22:17Well, maybe we should, uh, look at them together
01:22:21Oh, look, a shooting star
01:22:31Technically, it's meteorite debris from Halos Comet
01:22:34Well, I know it's not a real shooting star
01:22:37But I want to make a wish
01:22:40Oh, yes
01:22:46You hear that bird?
01:22:50That's definitely a nightingale
01:22:52How can you tell?
01:22:54But it's not an owl
01:22:56And it's night
01:22:59You wouldn't have a nightingale if it perched on the end of your nose
01:23:02Definitely, definitely a nightingale
01:23:02You have a wonder if there's
01:23:06Anything more than this
01:23:09I don't need anything more than this
01:23:11I have the universe out there
01:23:12And I have you
01:23:18I have everything I've ever wanted
01:23:20I have everything I've ever wanted
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