Something Remote 2009

Cinemama

Transcript

00:00:18Good afternoon, everyone. I hope you checked your inboxes.

00:00:20Yeah, you better have checked your inboxes.

00:00:22Because we left a memo regarding mandatory overtime by all employees.

00:00:25All employees better be doing overtime.

00:00:27Because the company benefits from every employee who's doing overtime.

00:00:30The company benefits and so will you.

00:00:32And we benefit from every employee who does overtime.

00:00:35Absolutely.

00:00:36I know it's the end of the workday, but I'm sure you'll all be willing to stick around.

00:00:39Stick around. Overtime.

00:00:59All'orizzonte dell'illusione, oltre le falde della disinformazione.

00:01:07Lamenti stolti, vuoti impuniti, mani assortati dalla danza dei banditi.

00:01:13Ai piedi di una memoria ingrata, spegna le storie di una terra liberata.

00:01:20Caduta in mare nell'incoscienza, spenduta al banco di una pieca indifferenza.

00:01:38E' bene di ogni generazione, metti contrarivolti alla moderazione.

00:01:44Servi del vento, miti traditi, spazzati all'arco dalla danza dei banditi.

00:01:51Ve le spiegate sopra giorni abbandonati.

00:01:54Salvati a bordo sopra un circo di pirati.

00:01:58Suantichi fastidi, maseri e false miti.

00:02:01Corra invisibile la danza dei banditi.

00:02:07Corra invisibile la danza dei banditi.

00:02:14Corra invisibile la danza dei banditi.

00:02:38Corra invisibile la danza dei banditi.

00:02:46I'll see you next time.

00:03:24Guys, wait. I'm tingling.

00:03:27You know you can get a cream for that.

00:03:28No, I mean it's my ex-girlfriend.

00:03:30Look, I'm telling you, cream does wonders for any problem.

00:03:33No, it's not that at all.

00:03:34It's just, I get this sort of tingling sensation whenever my ex-girlfriends are around.

00:03:38It's like a sort of sixth sense.

00:03:40Well, Lisa must be around here somewhere.

00:03:42Lisa?

00:03:42Guys, why are you so mean to her?

00:03:44She was always really nice to me.

00:03:45She probably came to apologize.

00:03:47Look, you just don't understand how girls work, all right?

00:03:49Look, once you realize that girls are predisposed to extract valuable time, energy, and most importantly, money,

00:03:53you'll understand where me and Neil are coming from.

00:03:55You've never had a girlfriend, Matt.

00:03:57But, but, but, but, look, with girls, you've got to be ruthless.

00:04:00Well, maybe Neil doesn't want to be ruthless.

00:04:01What? What are you talking about?

00:04:03Of course he does.

00:04:03It's his ex.

00:04:05Look, now just go stand up by the tree.

00:04:06This is man talk.

00:04:07But, uh, go.

00:04:15Yeah.

00:04:16Yeah, ruthless.

00:04:18Can't let Lisa see that I'm still single.

00:04:19Yeah, I've got a safe face.

00:04:20Hey, hey, you!

00:04:21Me?

00:04:22Yeah, hey, you.

00:04:23Want to make 20 bucks?

00:04:24Sure.

00:04:33What's with him?

00:04:34Oh, he lost his circle privileges.

00:04:36Right.

00:04:37So, about the 20 bucks.

00:04:39Oh, great.

00:04:40All right, 20 bucks to pretend to be this guy's girlfriend.

00:04:42This guy?

00:04:43You've got to be kidding me.

00:04:45Girls got to have standards.

00:04:47Oh, for crying out loud.

00:04:48What's the big deal?

00:04:49I mean, no one would believe that a girl like me was going out with a guy like you.

00:04:54I'm just a thing that...

00:04:56All right, all right, 40 bucks.

00:04:57Okay.

00:05:00Neil, give her the 40.

00:05:04Come on, come on.

00:05:04Don't be cheap.

00:05:05Nice lady.

00:05:06I'm just doing you a good favor here.

00:05:08All right, you good?

00:05:09You good?

00:05:09Now let's do this.

00:05:13Sorry about all this.

00:05:16Guys, wait for me.

00:05:24Lisa!

00:05:25Neil!

00:05:26How did you get in here?

00:05:28Hi, Lisa.

00:05:29Eric, don't break rank.

00:05:32I thought you changed the locks.

00:05:33I thought you changed them.

00:05:34No, guys, I did it.

00:05:36And I did it.

00:05:37Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:05:39Yeah.

00:05:40Yeah?

00:05:40Well, your windows are still made of glass.

00:05:43Our slow-moid landlord isn't going to fix that.

00:05:45Yeah, neither are you.

00:05:46Hush, Eric.

00:05:47What are you even doing here?

00:05:48I, uh, came here for my stuff.

00:05:51Like what?

00:05:53Like, uh, my hammer.

00:05:55Hey.

00:05:56That's it, you're done, Lisa.

00:05:57I'm calling the cops.

00:05:58Oh, and my cell phone.

00:06:01Fine, just take it and get out of here, Lisa.

00:06:04Who is this, Neil?

00:06:07This is, uh, my new girlfriend, Abby.

00:06:09That's not my name.

00:06:11Abby.

00:06:13Hi.

00:06:14Well, that's cool.

00:06:15Because I have a new boyfriend.

00:06:17I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:18Who?

00:06:19Uh, him.

00:06:21Huh?

00:06:22Me?

00:06:23Really?

00:06:24That's my roommate, Lisa.

00:06:26Uh, I really met him.

00:06:27I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch.

00:06:30That's my other roommate, Lisa.

00:06:31You're all for two here.

00:06:33Uh, I really meant him.

00:06:37Hi.

00:06:39This is my brand new boyfriend.

00:06:43Isn't he?

00:06:44Fucking gross.

00:06:45Rugged.

00:06:46Oh, yeah, well, if you're her new boyfriend, what's her name?

00:06:48Lisa, don't say a word.

00:06:50Uh.

00:06:51But, Eric, shut up.

00:06:52Well, hmm?

00:06:54Uh.

00:06:55Ha, see?

00:06:56I knew it.

00:06:56I was just happy she noticed me.

00:06:58I knew you weren't a boyfriend.

00:07:00How much did she pay you to do this?

00:07:02She gave me $40 to stay with her.

00:07:03Paying someone $40 to be their boyfriend?

00:07:06Well, that's low.

00:07:07Well, that's funny.

00:07:08Because Abby over here sure doesn't look like your girlfriend.

00:07:12Oh, yeah?

00:07:13How do you figure?

00:07:14Well, first of all, a girl has to have some standards.

00:07:17Look at her.

00:07:19And look at you.

00:07:20Like trying to fit a small square peg into a round hole.

00:07:25And B, she doesn't smell like you.

00:07:28You were smelling me?

00:07:30That's it.

00:07:31$40 is not worth putting up with you freaks.

00:07:35Who's winning the limbo contest now?

00:07:39What?

00:07:41Just leave.

00:07:42Get going.

00:07:42Now.

00:07:45I'm not done with you, Neil.

00:07:47I'll be back for my stuff later.

00:07:49I doubt that, you crazy psycho bitch!

00:07:54What a waste of $40.

00:07:56I don't know.

00:07:57I think she wants you back.

00:07:59Why would you even say something like that?

00:08:01Yeah, seriously, Eric.

00:08:02Why would you curse that upon him?

00:08:03He's better off now than ever.

00:08:04She doesn't want me back.

00:08:05She just wants to make my life miserable.

00:08:08Come on, Neil.

00:08:09That's not so-

00:08:09Hey, uh-uh.

00:08:10I buy a good first slice.

00:08:14I hope you got meat lovers this time, Matt.

00:08:16Yeah, you would say that you do-

00:08:22What the hell are you still doing here?

00:08:23She also said I could take whatever I wanted.

00:08:26What?

00:08:26No!

00:08:27Get the hell out!

00:08:29Um, these are ours.

00:08:30Sorry.

00:08:32Um, that too.

00:08:35Thanks.

00:08:36Well, uh, hold it, hold it.

00:08:40You're good to go.

00:08:41You can never be too sure with hobos.

00:08:47Jeez.

00:08:48At least she's been such a bitch since I broke up with her.

00:08:50I thought she broke up with you.

00:08:52Is that what she's been telling people?

00:08:53Forget about her, Neil.

00:08:54Must not be too hasty, Matt.

00:08:56I mean, breakups are a delicate situation.

00:08:59Like those Russian fabric eggs.

00:09:02It's Fabergé.

00:09:03And no, no, it's not.

00:09:04He dumped her.

00:09:05Alright?

00:09:05That egg is smashed.

00:09:06Move on.

00:09:07I think you should re-examine the situation.

00:09:09I mean, it's been like two days since you guys split.

00:09:12About that, yeah.

00:09:14Right, so there's some heated emotions getting in the way of everyone's thinking right now,

00:09:17and you should probably just talk to her.

00:09:19Nah, she just wants to move on.

00:09:21Get her goods and go.

00:09:22I mean, she broke in here.

00:09:24Rash, yes.

00:09:25But if you look past all the raw emotion,

00:09:27you might be able to see what you actually want from all this.

00:09:30Nah, I don't think so.

00:09:32Why did you guys even break up?

00:09:33You two were perfect together.

00:09:36She was...

00:09:37too loud.

00:09:38Heh, tell me about it.

00:09:40No, I mean, in bed.

00:09:42What?

00:09:44I wanted to liven things up, so I told her to be louder.

00:09:47Get into it.

00:09:49And...

00:09:50She took it way too far.

00:09:51Started yelling and screaming, you know, really getting into it.

00:09:54Wait, so that's why I used to crank your music?

00:09:57Funny I like those tunes.

00:09:59I'll never listen to Rocky Like a Hurricane the same way again.

00:10:02I told her to tone it down, but she said it was only getting better for her the louder and

00:10:05angrier she got.

00:10:07And that's when we started to fight.

00:10:09But before all that, don't you miss being with her?

00:10:12Well...

00:10:12Neil, don't listen to him.

00:10:13Look, you got your own boob tube right here.

00:10:16Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:10:17I mean, I hadn't been spending that much time with you guys while I was with Lisa.

00:10:20Nothing like pizza and TV, right?

00:10:22Yeah, two pizza pies coming right up.

00:10:23Wait, you got pie?

00:10:25No, you douchebag.

00:10:26It's not actually pie.

00:10:27I'm just calling it pizza pie like the gangsters of old New York used to do.

00:10:31I've never heard of that before.

00:10:33Yeah, me neither.

00:10:34Does anyone still call it that?

00:10:35Does it matter?

00:10:36It's cool.

00:10:37Unique.

00:10:39Uncommon.

00:10:39And with good reason.

00:10:40No way.

00:10:41Look, a grinder is a hoagie is a footlong.

00:10:43They're all tasty sandwiches.

00:10:45I'm just saying, pizza pie?

00:10:47It doesn't sound that appetizing.

00:10:49Excuse me, I'd like a pizza.

00:10:51Put some whipped cream and cheese on it.

00:10:53Ooh, and some sprinkles.

00:10:54Yum, yum.

00:10:54Yeah, it's like cheesecake.

00:10:56This doesn't sound like you'd ever want to eat it.

00:10:58What do you have against cheesecake?

00:10:59Yeah.

00:11:00Listen to it.

00:11:02Cheese.

00:11:03Cake.

00:11:04Sounds like someone took some fresh Gouda and threw it on some crust.

00:11:07I mean, I like cheese and all, but a big honking slab of thick gooey just never really tempted me.

00:11:13You do know it's not actually cheese.

00:11:15Well, I know that now, but when I was little, the name was all I had to go on.

00:11:19No, he's right.

00:11:20You bullshit.

00:11:22I'm just saying, a whole cake full of cheese, it sounds a little...

00:11:28What the hell's that?

00:11:30I can't really describe it.

00:11:31You still haven't.

00:11:33I boiled it down to an action.

00:11:34What the hell is that?

00:11:35That doesn't say shit to me.

00:11:37Yeah, it does.

00:11:38It's like, uh, too sweet.

00:11:40What?

00:11:41No, not at all.

00:11:41Yeah, I know.

00:11:42It's like when you wipe your brow because it's hot, or you keel over because you're sick.

00:11:46Going like, saying it's too sweet or something.

00:11:50Eric, that's ridiculous.

00:11:51Well, that's what I did.

00:11:53Dude, no wonder Lisa broke up with you.

00:11:55You can't communicate your own fucking thoughts.

00:11:57Hey, that was a low blow.

00:11:58I broke up with her, remember?

00:12:00She's the crazy one.

00:12:01And don't you forget it.

00:12:02I just had to refocus your anger onto her.

00:12:04We're all friends here.

00:12:05Let's get to that TV.

00:12:08Okay.

00:12:18So where the hell is Howie?

00:12:20We can't watch TV without him.

00:12:22Did we lose it?

00:12:23Get his whistle.

00:12:29Got it.

00:12:31Come on.

00:12:38I hear him.

00:12:39Again.

00:12:47Found him.

00:12:48Oh, Howie, thank God.

00:12:50How could we ever lose you?

00:12:52Good thing we attached this locator to him just in case.

00:12:54Oh, put this back, Eric.

00:12:58No, Eric, in its holder.

00:13:00If we lose that whistle and then Howie again, we're screwed.

00:13:03Okay, okay.

00:13:05Yeah, we'll be back to where we were before, Lisa.

00:13:09Remote-less.

00:13:10And thus TV-less.

00:13:11Remember when we broke a remote and got stuck in the Spanish-owned shopping network?

00:13:14Ah, si, si.

00:13:16Go on for a Spanish, all day, daily.

00:13:18Yeah, we've seen how it's done with the TV.

00:13:20We've seen how it's done with the TV.

00:13:21Are you ready to watch TV?

00:13:23Vamanos, baby!

00:13:24I love you, Howie.

00:13:25Look how cute he is.

00:13:26So much better than that dog we wanted.

00:13:28I know.

00:13:29I stole him when I broke up with Lisa.

00:13:31She got him when we were still together.

00:13:33Said she needed something size-wise in her life.

00:13:39Well, fuck her.

00:13:40I stole a remote.

00:13:43Right.

00:13:44Well, anyway, like we said, good thing.

00:13:46It's been a good addition to our family.

00:13:48Jeez.

00:13:49Girls are complicated.

00:13:50Yeah, but TV isn't.

00:13:54Or maybe it is.

00:13:56Damn it.

00:13:58No, no, I'll fix it.

00:14:01Yeah, from the sound of it, girls never seem to say what they're thinking.

00:14:05It's like you need some sort of decoder ring to figure it out.

00:14:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:07Oh, oh, oh, you got it.

00:14:08Who can leave that?

00:14:10These are police reports.

00:14:11What were you saying, Eric?

00:14:12Who was you saying?

00:14:13You seem like a good kid.

00:14:14I think you'll fit in just fine at the National Security Agency.

00:14:21Anyway, here's your first code to break.

00:14:25Did a girl write this?

00:14:27It looks like a breakup note.

00:14:29What?

00:14:30Yeah, it looks like she's trying to break up.

00:14:35Impossible.

00:14:37You've got a supercomputer working on that one for four months.

00:14:40I just read it.

00:14:41No, no, you did much more than that.

00:14:45You're good.

00:14:47Here.

00:14:48Try this one.

00:14:53Looks like she's avoiding sex tonight.

00:14:55It's a common avoidance maneuver.

00:14:57How could we be so blind?

00:15:00Quickly, come with me.

00:15:05Director.

00:15:06What is the meaning of this?

00:15:07The new guy.

00:15:08He's a cryptoanalysis prodigy.

00:15:10He can crack anything.

00:15:12Well, is that so?

00:15:14Let's see if he can crack this.

00:15:21It's a trick.

00:15:23It has to be.

00:15:24What do you mean?

00:15:26A yes or no answer will lead to disaster.

00:15:28This is a question not meant to be answered.

00:15:30Where did you get this?

00:15:33My wife.

00:15:36Well, that was weird.

00:15:38Yeah, it was almost like...

00:15:39The television is watching.

00:15:42You!

00:15:45Okay.

00:15:46After that, I need something to drink.

00:15:50I'll have an MD.

00:15:51What?

00:15:52Oh, come on, Eric.

00:15:53You lost to the nose game.

00:15:54You're the last person to touch their nose after a request, so you've got to take the walk of shame.

00:15:59What?

00:15:59That's a stupid game.

00:16:00Who came up with that?

00:16:01It's been passed down from generation to generation.

00:16:03It's creation lost to the sands of time.

00:16:05I think it started with Jesus and his apostles.

00:16:07You know who was how he ended there.

00:16:08It's an invaluable tool for lazy people with quick hands everywhere.

00:16:11Yeah, you know, Matt's got the quickest hands around.

00:16:13All those years of solitary practice.

00:16:15Yep, and now you're taking a walk.

00:16:17But I don't...

00:16:18No, sorry, Eric.

00:16:19It's the rules.

00:16:20I just got to know.

00:16:22Why the nose?

00:16:24Well, I think if you stuck your finger up your ass, it would cause a few problems after multiple attempts.

00:16:27Yeah, some real potential for a twisted twitsy roll.

00:16:30What?

00:16:31Wicked.

00:16:32No, no, no.

00:16:34It is strange.

00:16:35I guess I can understand it, though.

00:16:37Your hand isn't normally near your face, so you've got to be quick if you want to avoid being the

00:16:39last one.

00:16:40Yeah, totally.

00:16:41Hey, don't think we're going to forget.

00:16:42I'll have an MD.

00:16:44Ugh, fine.

00:16:51Yeah, there's been a lot of weird, stupid things that have been invented over time.

00:16:54Like this thing.

00:16:55Seriously, who thinks of this shit?

00:16:57Someone missing a finger, I guess.

00:16:59Yeah, but how does everyone even know about that?

00:17:00I mean, before the internet, people were, like, dumb.

00:17:04I don't know.

00:17:04I guess people maybe did it at family gatherings in order to entertain each other, and then they passed it

00:17:08on or something.

00:17:10Maybe they read it in a newspaper.

00:17:12Yeah, but still, how did that first person figure that out?

00:17:16What?

00:17:16I'm not so sure.

00:17:17I think one guy was just puffing on some wacky weed, shoved his thumb between his fingers, and figured out

00:17:21pulling his finger off.

00:17:23I mean, people like that are really into weird, trippy shit like this.

00:17:26Yeah, tell me about it.

00:17:27I used to have this one friend who smoked a lot of dope, and one day when he was at

00:17:30his usual Chinese buffet, he thought he could understand what the workers were saying.

00:17:33He called me up and said, I can learn Chinese by smoking weed.

00:17:36What?

00:17:36Turns out the workers were trying to learn Spanish, and my friend was a fluent Spanish translator.

00:17:40Huh, people these days.

00:17:42Well, whoever figured that out, it was probably related to this guy.

00:17:45Yeah, that one's a classic.

00:17:47Wherever it came from.

00:17:49At least I never knew about that one.

00:17:51Oh, God, not her again.

00:17:52Look, just let that slut go.

00:17:54Sorry, man.

00:17:55I've just been thinking about her.

00:17:56She's been acting really weird lately.

00:17:58I mean, I guess I can understand her breaking and entering, but bringing that smelly hobo in here?

00:18:03Dude, just let it go.

00:18:04Alright?

00:18:05I mean, once you realize you're better off living the life of a bachelor, you'll be living the high life,

00:18:09like me.

00:18:09You'll be getting drinks served to you, watch all sorts of great TV, and be one with...

00:18:14I was gonna say universe.

00:18:15I was gonna say couch.

00:18:18Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:18:19I mean, what do you think about her bringing that hobo in here?

00:18:21I mean, he could have let some germs behind or something.

00:18:23Don't you think it's a little weird that she tried to make it seem like he was her boyfriend?

00:18:27I don't know.

00:18:28I thought it was weirder that we missed him.

00:18:29The second time.

00:18:31Eric, where's that drink?

00:18:33Can't have pizza pie without a cold MD.

00:18:35Yeah, it's coming.

00:18:40You gonna answer that?

00:18:42Nope.

00:18:43What if it's important?

00:18:44Well, if it's important, they'll call back.

00:18:46You're not even gonna screen it.

00:18:48You waste the time?

00:18:49I know I'm not gonna answer it.

00:18:52See?

00:18:53Problem solved.

00:18:58No way, dude.

00:18:59There's only two of us here.

00:18:59You can't do that.

00:19:00Besides, you're closer.

00:19:01Can't deny that.

00:19:06Jeez, remind me never to call you if I ever go to prison.

00:19:10Hello.

00:19:11Oh, hey, Scott.

00:19:12Yeah, we're all here.

00:19:14Nah, at least he's on the prowl.

00:19:17I don't know.

00:19:18I don't know.

00:19:20I don't know.

00:19:22I don't care.

00:19:23Yeah, okay.

00:19:24See ya.

00:19:27What do you want?

00:19:28He's on his way over.

00:19:29What for?

00:19:30I don't know.

00:19:31Does he wanna watch TV?

00:19:33I don't know.

00:19:34Well, when's he gonna be here?

00:19:35I don't know.

00:19:36What if Lisa sees him?

00:19:37I don't care.

00:19:38Jeez, what do you know?

00:19:40I'm fucking thirsty and someone owes me a drink!

00:19:42Eric!

00:19:42Yeah, it's coming!

00:19:44But I found something, though.

00:19:45Some sort of doll.

00:19:47You mean one of your action figures?

00:19:49Hey, those are collectible!

00:19:50And no, this is definitely a doll.

00:19:52It looks like some kind of voodoo doll.

00:19:57Jeez, look at this thing.

00:19:59Lisa must have left it here.

00:20:01It's kinda like Neil.

00:20:03Why would you even start something like that?

00:20:05Yeah, it does look like him.

00:20:06You too, Eric?

00:20:07Not really.

00:20:08It looks just like you.

00:20:09It's pretty beat up, too.

00:20:10What?

00:20:11It looks like the arms have been stabbed.

00:20:13Oh my god!

00:20:14And it looks like the head's been reattached.

00:20:17It can't be.

00:20:18And right here where the heart used to be is now Twizzler.

00:20:20Well, that's not that bad.

00:20:21It's black licorice.

00:20:23She is psychotic!

00:20:24I wonder if it works.

00:20:28Oh my god!

00:20:29It's working!

00:20:30Let's try making him kiss his own ass!

00:20:33No, you schmucks!

00:20:34I was just messing with you.

00:20:34Do you think that thing actually works?

00:20:36Well, it might have.

00:20:37I mean, remember that one day we had to reattach your decapitated head?

00:20:40It's just like this voodoo doll.

00:20:42You can't be serious.

00:20:44Oh, wait.

00:20:45That was a dream I had.

00:20:47You dream about me?

00:20:49It's okay, Matt.

00:20:50I dream about you guys, too.

00:20:52I don't dream about you guys!

00:20:54Wait, what do you dream about?

00:20:55Just, you know, the three of us living together.

00:20:57Forever.

00:20:58I love it here.

00:21:00That's fucking creepy, dude.

00:21:01Well, you dream about Neil's head being cut off!

00:21:03I don't dream about any of you!

00:21:06There, there.

00:21:07We weren't fighting.

00:21:08There, there, Howie.

00:21:09We're upsetting him.

00:21:11I think he'll be okay.

00:21:12He knows we're friends.

00:21:14It's not a real person, Eric.

00:21:15I'm just making the point that Lisa's a crazy psycho bitch with voodoo Neil dolls.

00:21:19Oh, by talking to the remote?

00:21:20By luring him back to the couch with the seductive calls of Howie.

00:21:22It's TV that'll never do you wrong.

00:21:25I'm sure she's just venting or something.

00:21:26You know, kicking her anger out in non-harmful ways.

00:21:29I'm sure she's hurt that you guys broke up.

00:21:31She might even be trying to patch things up.

00:21:34Patch things up?

00:21:35What, like my head back to my torso?

00:21:37Eric, Lisa clearly wants this guy dead.

00:21:39I don't know about that.

00:21:40Anger is her form of communication.

00:21:43Unconventional?

00:21:44Yeah, but it's been consistent since the breakup.

00:21:48What I see is that she's planning something bigger.

00:21:50I keep thinking she can't handle this breakup the way I can.

00:21:54I think I need to do something about this.

00:21:56See, there's a problem right there.

00:21:57You're thinking about things.

00:21:58We all know the cure for thinking, don't we, boys?

00:22:01TV.

00:22:04It happens here every Friday night.

00:22:06Yeah.

00:22:06Ted over here is going to help us out with this operation.

00:22:09You ready, Ted?

00:22:10Yeah.

00:22:11Let's do this.

00:22:12Come on.

00:22:13All right.

00:22:14God, they think it's some kind of game.

00:22:17Sick.

00:22:21Hey, guys.

00:22:22Hey, guys.

00:22:22Ted, what are you doing here?

00:22:25Ted, your character died.

00:22:27Flagroth, the wizard mage, died in the last dragon.

00:22:29Go, go, go.

00:22:30Everyone's free.

00:22:31Everybody's free.

00:22:33What's going on?

00:22:34What?

00:22:35Nothing.

00:22:36I don't have anything.

00:22:37What do you want?

00:22:38Give me that.

00:22:38What?

00:22:39Give me that.

00:22:40Dice.

00:22:41That's a felony, man.

00:22:42Oh, my God.

00:22:43It's a felony.

00:22:44No.

00:22:45I, I, you can't have them.

00:22:47I need them.

00:22:49Okay.

00:22:49Coming downtown with you, man.

00:22:51Coming downtown.

00:22:52You're going to be sick.

00:22:53Oh, my God.

00:22:54Oh, my God.

00:22:55My mom's going to kill me.

00:23:00Well, that was interesting-ly bad.

00:23:04Man, TV's been sucking recently.

00:23:06It seems like our society is degenerating into a populace that's only interested in lower and lower forms of entertainment.

00:23:11That's perpetuating the de-evolution of our culture.

00:23:15Oh, that was really sophisticated, though, dude.

00:23:18Yeah, right on the back of a cereal box.

00:23:20Wow, what kind of cereal do you eat?

00:23:23Philosophicos.

00:23:23Wow.

00:23:25I was kidding, you douchebag.

00:23:28I have to disagree with you, Matt.

00:23:29I'm sure he's a douchebag.

00:23:31I think you meant about the TV sucking, Matt.

00:23:33Here.

00:23:34Let me show you the TV's not completely down the tubes.

00:23:36Careful with them.

00:23:37Soft hands.

00:23:38There's got to be some quality stuff on here to watch.

00:23:40I wouldn't doubt it.

00:23:41TV's got all sorts of hidden gems.

00:23:43You probably won't find much, though.

00:23:44Most of it's pretty crappy.

00:23:45I don't know, Matt.

00:23:46We've had some great times in here together.

00:23:48Do us proud, Neil.

00:23:49Good luck.

00:23:51Balls, balls, balls.

00:23:53We've got all sorts of balls.

00:23:54Big balls, little balls, yellow balls, frisbee balls, black balls, blue balls, ugly balls,

00:23:58blue balls, salty balls.

00:23:59Then I mentioned blue balls.

00:24:00Everyone loves balls.

00:24:01Have we got a deal for you.

00:24:03Buy a ball, get a ball.

00:24:04Come in for a pair today at Big Al's Big Balls Emporium.

00:24:10QED.

00:24:11Wow.

00:24:13Betrayed by our own TV.

00:24:15How could this be?

00:24:16Oh, it's pretty simple.

00:24:17People are subjected to many forms of entertainment,

00:24:19and all the new forms have to push the risque limits in order to garner the most attention.

00:24:23It's a recipe for disaster.

00:24:25No, I mean about you being right.

00:24:27You're almost never right, especially about how your precious TV is losing its luster.

00:24:30Well, you tend to look past it and enjoy it for what it is.

00:24:33I don't know, guys.

00:24:33There's still some good stuff out there.

00:24:35Like this hit-new superhero show my internet blogging sites keep talking about.

00:24:38This better not be another one of your stupid Asian cartoons.

00:24:41Jeez, Matt, it's called anime.

00:24:43And no, this isn't.

00:24:45Yeah, good, because I don't think I could take another five minutes of anime lines,

00:24:49over-expressions, and senseless emphasis.

00:24:50What?

00:24:51Oh, come on.

00:24:52Every anime is...

00:24:53Hello!

00:24:54How are you doing?

00:24:55Well, it's none of that.

00:24:56Yeah, we'll see.

00:24:57Heads up.

00:24:59Nice catch.

00:25:00Wouldn't want to hurt your precious baby.

00:25:02Hey.

00:25:04That's all of our babies.

00:25:07Okay, so...

00:25:10For Christ's sake.

00:25:17Hello?

00:25:19Hi.

00:25:20Yep.

00:25:22Mm-hmm.

00:25:24Right here.

00:25:27It's Lisa.

00:25:28Lisa!

00:25:29Yes, Neil.

00:25:31You still have more of my stuff.

00:25:34Don't play coy, Neil.

00:25:35I know you're there.

00:25:40It was the wrong number.

00:25:42It was Lisa.

00:25:45Is she seriously going to do this?

00:25:46How about that show, Eric?

00:25:48No way.

00:25:48I refuse to have my entertainment sphere be penetrated by this psycho.

00:25:51Either you settle this, or I will.

00:25:54Maybe it's not even her.

00:25:57See?

00:25:59Oh, that is it.

00:26:02Lisa?

00:26:02You're being permanently disconnected.

00:26:05Oh, man.

00:26:06I always wanted to have a bitch on one line and like that.

00:26:08Oh, that settles that.

00:26:10That was extreme.

00:26:12Hey, she had it coming.

00:26:14Why do you always have to be the beaver in Neil's dam, Matt?

00:26:17You've been causing a lot of problems lately.

00:26:20What do you come up with this stuff, Eric?

00:26:22That was actually pretty...

00:26:27He never answers the first one.

00:26:28Just waiting it out.

00:26:31There.

00:26:34This is something else.

00:26:36I swear to God.

00:26:38Neil?

00:26:39What?

00:26:40No, wait.

00:26:41Lisa has my phone.

00:26:43Good call.

00:26:44I'm proud of you.

00:26:45Just turned it off.

00:26:47I hate when my dome is assaulted.

00:26:49This is why girls are the root of all evil.

00:26:51Let's just get to that show.

00:26:52Maybe you should just talk to her.

00:26:54She has been very forward.

00:26:56Eric!

00:26:57Yeah, okay.

00:26:57This is the college crew.

00:27:02Frat man with a stomach of infinite capacity.

00:27:07Blaine with a power of social invisibility.

00:27:13Has a car lad.

00:27:15Who has a car?

00:27:18And a maizo with a power of telekinesis.

00:27:28Wow, what an awful show.

00:27:30Yeah.

00:27:31There weren't any good superheroes made anymore.

00:27:33Because it can't be the classic superheroes.

00:27:34Like Batman.

00:27:36Please, are you kidding me?

00:27:37Batman?

00:27:38Come on, he wasn't that bad.

00:27:39I don't give any shit about Batman.

00:27:40Ooh, he's not a real superhero.

00:27:42He's got a lot of money.

00:27:42Ooh, he keeps a small boy in a cave.

00:27:44Ooh.

00:27:45Well, that's true.

00:27:46He did keep a small boy in a cave.

00:27:48But he was a dark hero.

00:27:49Bound to service by the events of his childhood.

00:27:51That's not even the fucking problem.

00:27:53I mean, he's basically Sherlock Holmes without the cool accent.

00:27:55I'm going to fight crime by being a detective.

00:27:57Yeah, that's cool.

00:27:58Oh, please.

00:27:59Who's your superhero?

00:28:00Spider-Man.

00:28:01The semen slinger?

00:28:02Spider-Man's kind of cool.

00:28:04I guess.

00:28:04At least he actually has superpowers.

00:28:07I mean, Peter Parker's original conception was to make science cool and relate to other teenagers.

00:28:11He was a high school student and he dealt with everyday problems.

00:28:13I could totally see that happening.

00:28:15Now, originally Peter Parker was a jock with brains.

00:28:18Totally not happening.

00:28:19At least Batman's a hero that you could go around saying,

00:28:22With a little hard work and studying, I could be him someday.

00:28:24He wouldn't spend the rest of your life looking for a radioactive beetle.

00:28:29Radioactive beetle.

00:28:29Batman couldn't even keep his villains under control.

00:28:31It's a nice job security if you ask me.

00:28:33What?

00:28:34Look, a corporate entity such as Wayne Enterprises must have had a hand in sales such as security

00:28:38devices to shipping and construction.

00:28:39Making sure his villains weren't truly locked away forever, Batman had a pretty good guarantee

00:28:43that Gotham would be facing some tough times ahead.

00:28:45He'd be making profit repairing all the destruction caused by his publicly hated thorns.

00:28:49Meanwhile, ensuring a positive life for Batman and a financial foothold for Wayne Enterprises.

00:28:53So you're saying Batman actually expects his villains to escape?

00:28:56Totally.

00:28:57If he's so technologically advanced, how come each of his villains has escaped like a hundred

00:29:00times?

00:29:01Well, they have to keep the cast of characters relatively contained.

00:29:03People love seeing some of their favorite villains.

00:29:05Sure, and Bruce Wayne profits from it all.

00:29:07I mean, if you're here as the almighty dollar, then B-Money's your man.

00:29:10Well, what about Superman, guys?

00:29:12He's always been my hero.

00:29:13Okay, talk about the lame.

00:29:15Yeah, totally.

00:29:16Come on.

00:29:16Man of Steel.

00:29:17Truth, justice, and the American way.

00:29:19The only real American way is Captain America.

00:29:21It's in his fucking title.

00:29:22Yeah, Superman's way too damn powerful to be a good hero.

00:29:25Plus, we should do what we do with all illegal aliens and throw them out of the country.

00:29:29Superman's character is all about the social struggles of being different.

00:29:32Yeah, but he looks great to the fly and his jack beyond belief.

00:29:34Oh, yeah.

00:29:35That's totally a social outcast.

00:29:37And yet, everything is such a huge struggle for his super strength, too.

00:29:40Like, he can stop a meteor from falling at 500 miles an hour, but he has trouble lifting a fucking

00:29:44car.

00:29:45I mean, it's like super strength is the ability to be just strong enough for a given task.

00:29:49What a crock of shit.

00:29:50Yeah, totally.

00:29:51Kind of like your show, Eric.

00:29:52College kids don't really act like that.

00:29:57Yeah, though...

00:29:58I could use an MD.

00:30:00I'll drive.

00:30:02Woo!

00:30:03Team to myself.

00:30:05Eric, hold the fort.

00:30:06And if Lisa comes around again, call the cops.

00:30:08Jeez, dude, why are you going to keep bringing her up?

00:30:10You can never be too careful.

00:30:11I'm just...

00:30:12No one hangs up on me!

00:30:14Ah!

00:30:16She's still here!

00:30:17Shit, dude.

00:30:18What do we do?

00:30:19What do we do?

00:30:20Why didn't you feel her with your sense?

00:30:22I don't know.

00:30:22I can't, Eric.

00:30:24I can't go out there now.

00:30:25Not with her watching and waiting.

00:30:27Lisa, what do you want?

00:30:28Do you want me to say it in front of everyone?

00:30:30You know what I want!

00:30:34No, I don't.

00:30:35That's why I asked you.

00:30:36No, don't.

00:30:37Shh!

00:30:38Get out of here.

00:30:39I, uh, I think she saw you guys.

00:30:42Neil, just open the door!

00:30:44Don't try!

00:30:45I'm all right, Neil.

00:30:47I'm all right.

00:30:48Open the door.

00:30:50I'm all right, Neil.

00:30:51Open the door.

00:30:52I just want to talk.

00:30:53I'm all right.

00:30:55Open the door.

00:30:56I'm all right, Neil.

00:30:58Open the door.

00:30:59I just want to talk.

00:31:00I'm all right.

00:31:02Come on, please.

00:31:04Neil?

00:31:05No way, man.

00:31:06I've seen this shit before.

00:31:07Don't do it.

00:31:07Neil, just open the door.

00:31:09I just want to talk.

00:31:10I'm all right.

00:31:11What if she's serious?

00:31:11What if she just wants to talk?

00:31:12No way, man.

00:31:13It's just a lure.

00:31:14All praying animals have one.

00:31:15She's just trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

00:31:17They're just going to put a fucking axe in your head.

00:31:19Come on, man.

00:31:20You don't need this.

00:31:20Let's go.

00:31:29Neil, don't make an army.

00:31:31I think I should go talk to her.

00:31:32No, no, no.

00:31:33Shh.

00:31:33You don't need it, all right?

00:31:34Shh.

00:31:35I don't think you should listen to him, Neil.

00:31:37Yeah?

00:31:37Listen to this.

00:31:50Hey there, I'm Steve, and this is Travels with Steve.

00:31:53On today's adventure, we're going to tell you all about beautiful Worcester, Mass.

00:31:57Get out of here.

00:31:59Rambo!

00:32:01Ah!

00:32:03She's like a zombie or something hanging around our door.

00:32:06No way.

00:32:07The zombie would be smarter.

00:32:07Better looking, too.

00:32:09Guys, zombies don't exist.

00:32:11Oh, yeah?

00:32:12That's what the government wants you to think.

00:32:14Impossible.

00:32:15You know, ignorance is a zombie's greatest ally.

00:32:17Knowledge, their worst enemy.

00:32:18So you're trying to tell us that the Walking Dead are real?

00:32:21Why wouldn't they be?

00:32:22I mean, think about it.

00:32:23There's hundreds of thousands of undiscovered plant and animal life out there in the world.

00:32:26What's to say the Walking Dead isn't one of them?

00:32:28Science.

00:32:29An organism that survives without the need for oxygen?

00:32:31Evolution at its finest.

00:32:33Animating a dead body?

00:32:34Shutting down a currently functioning one by attacking the central part of the brain.

00:32:38Restarting it as a shell of its former self, using electrical impulses already hardwired in all of us.

00:32:42The craving for human flesh?

00:32:43A myth.

00:32:44A source of energy isn't needed by the virus.

00:32:46Though the hunt for living flesh is an unfortunate byproduct of it.

00:32:50No way.

00:32:50Zombies aren't threatening.

00:32:51I can power walk faster than that.

00:32:52Oh yeah?

00:32:53A zombie's power, unlike the mythical vampire or otherwise, is in its numbers, not the individual.

00:32:58Their tirelessness and their sheer volume is what makes them so terrifying.

00:33:01If you were confronted with one Zed, well, I'd hope you'd win, but now consider this entire block, or even

00:33:06this whole city, infested.

00:33:08What would you do?

00:33:09Where would you go?

00:33:10I'd, um, I'd go home.

00:33:13I live in the country.

00:33:14Okay.

00:33:15Now consider the psychological threat.

00:33:16What if your father, your mother, or even your best friend became infected?

00:33:21How would you kill that?

00:33:23The constant beating, banging, barraging on the door?

00:33:28Disturbing you while you eat, sleep, or watch TV?

00:33:31Stop it!

00:33:32You're scaring me!

00:33:33There, there, Eric.

00:33:34I'm just trying to save you now while I can.

00:33:37I'll take your mind off it.

00:33:50The most terrifying thing is happening in your bed.

00:33:56In the shower.

00:33:59No matter where you run, you're going to be...

00:34:07You're not that scared for a chick.

00:34:12Summer 2012!

00:34:14Tall one's cough and bottom one's wing and the rest of marbles and the night turtles and marbles.

00:34:19The giant crabs are everywhere!

00:34:21Everyone, run for your lives!

00:34:22Run!

00:34:26Maybe that slut Lisa is infected or something.

00:34:28Is that what the cream I mentioned?

00:34:30Hey, that's not nice.

00:34:31Hey, I'm just saying.

00:34:32Maybe she's some sort of demon zombie who craves pissing off her ex-boyfriend and is TV-watching friends!

00:34:37No.

00:34:37I mean calling her a...

00:34:39a slut.

00:34:41I don't think that's really nice of you.

00:34:42Sorry, dude, but it comes with the territory.

00:34:44I mean, she was the one who decided to go all uber-bitch.

00:34:46She can take her title with her.

00:34:48Neil, I'm sure you don't think calling her a...

00:34:51is right next girlfriend or not.

00:34:53I don't know.

00:34:54I think she slept with about 12 guys.

00:34:55I think.

00:34:57I never really asked her that.

00:34:58I guess that's kind of slutty if you care about that sort of thing.

00:35:01Yeah, see?

00:35:01Told a slut.

00:35:02It's not like she, I don't know, sucked 37 dicks or anything.

00:35:05Whoa, whoa, whoa!

00:35:05That's completely different!

00:35:07Come on, guys.

00:35:08This isn't right.

00:35:09What do you mean?

00:35:09You're saying that sucking 37 dicks isn't a slutty to sleeping with 12 guys?

00:35:13Totally not.

00:35:14No way.

00:35:15No way.

00:35:16Eric, 37 dicks or 12 guys, which is sluttier?

00:35:19I don't feel comfortable talking about this, guys.

00:35:21Come on, douchefag.

00:35:22Man, I haven't answered the question.

00:35:23Well, I mean, sexual intercourse is something special shared between two lovers,

00:35:29and it shouldn't be entered in too lightly.

00:35:31I think if a girl is just throwing herself around like that,

00:35:34well, then she's not a very good-willed girl.

00:35:37I can see what you mean.

00:35:38I mean, it's just, 37 dicks is a lot of dick.

00:35:43I don't think the term slut should be thrown around like a nickname.

00:35:46You think slut, you think sex.

00:35:4712 guys, total slut.

00:35:49This is like what, 21, 22?

00:35:5123!

00:35:52Right, 23.

00:35:53So let's say she gets her first name when she's 18.

00:35:55That's like three guys per year.

00:35:56Total slut.

00:35:57Well, by that method, let's say she was a teeny bopper

00:35:59and started experimenting when she was 15.

00:36:01With 37 dicks, that's five D per Y.

00:36:04D per Y?

00:36:04Yeah, D per Y, dicks per year.

00:36:06Oh.

00:36:07That's not even considering her relationship spans.

00:36:09Even if she wasn't sucking other dick during relationships,

00:36:12an average relationship span of, say, six months,

00:36:15the frequency of dicks has to go up when she's single

00:36:17in order to maintain that five D per Y.

00:36:21Oh.

00:36:22I feel awful when I think of it like that.

00:36:25At least I never did anything like that, though.

00:36:26I was just saying that to prove my point.

00:36:28That was a mouthful.

00:36:31You guys are awful saying things like that.

00:36:34That is a lot of dick.

00:36:35I'm going to have to rethink this one.

00:36:37Man.

00:36:39I could use a drink.

00:36:41Yeah, me too.

00:36:44What are you doing?

00:36:45Not getting my drink.

00:36:47Yeah, but you start with your hand on your nose.

00:36:49That's the game.

00:36:50No, that's total disqualification.

00:36:52You can't start with your finger on your nose.

00:36:54What?

00:36:54Why?

00:36:55Because then you could just never have to get your own stuff.

00:36:57You get an advantage of being the asker, but that's it.

00:36:59Sorry, dude.

00:37:01I'll have an MD.

00:37:02What?

00:37:02Punishment for your crime against humanity.

00:37:05Humanity?

00:37:06Got to make an example out of this one.

00:37:07Sorry, Eric.

00:37:08You know, Matt, it seems like I'm always getting you a drink.

00:37:11But someday, somebody else is going to get mine.

00:37:15Got to pick your battles, man.

00:37:27Hey.

00:37:28Ain't nothing.

00:37:29Not really.

00:37:30I think Lisa's gone.

00:37:31Again?

00:37:31Maybe it's for good this time.

00:37:35She can't really be gone.

00:37:36Why don't you go check?

00:37:38I can't.

00:37:39Why not?

00:37:40She might do something dumb when you saw the voodoo doll.

00:37:43Maybe you're overthinking the situation.

00:37:45Your fear seems out of place.

00:37:46I don't want to get my head cut off.

00:37:48Look, Neil.

00:37:49You want her gone, but you're concerned that she is.

00:37:52Why don't you reassess the situation and then talk to her?

00:37:55Neil, don't listen to this douchebag.

00:37:56Alright, we've had so much fun today, just kicking back and watching TV.

00:37:59It's like I said, girls are high maintenance and dangerous no matter who they are.

00:38:02It's for the better.

00:38:03Yeah, but...

00:38:03Yeah, but you can work, come home and watch TV.

00:38:05We can make fun of Eric together.

00:38:07It's worked for me and life is great.

00:38:09Yeah, but don't you want more?

00:38:10Hell no.

00:38:11I know to go and get more just leads you down a troublesome trail.

00:38:13I'd rather stick with what works.

00:38:15Look, you tried to trek down the love life path and now you're shitting bricks because of it.

00:38:18So, you know what?

00:38:19Come back to the couch.

00:38:20Your seat's getting cold.

00:38:22Neil, just check.

00:38:23Lisa's been at this for some time now.

00:38:25Give her a chance.

00:38:26Trust me, there might still be some electricity left in this one.

00:38:30I think I'm going to listen to Eric on this from Matt, alright?

00:38:33It'll only be a minute.

00:38:35I'm telling you, dude.

00:38:36Security surrounds this couch.

00:38:37I know it for certain.

00:38:39See you in a bit.

00:38:42I'll wait here.

00:39:11I'll wait here.

00:39:13Neil!

00:39:13What the hell are you doing?

00:39:15You weren't going to cut that cord, were you?

00:39:16Am I not?

00:39:17Do you want to shock yourself to death?

00:39:19At this point I'd let you if it wasn't powering our TV.

00:39:21Oh, of course.

00:39:22Your precious TV.

00:39:23Jeez, Neil.

00:39:24You've really taken a turn for the worse without me.

00:39:27What the hell is wrong with you?

00:39:28You've still got some of my stuff.

00:39:30I was getting to that.

00:39:32You'll get it.

00:39:32I just want to be alone.

00:39:34We are alone.

00:39:35That's not what I meant.

00:39:36We want to watch TV in peace.

00:39:38Is that it?

00:39:39Is that what you're going to do with yourself?

00:39:41Just get a decent job and sit and settle.

00:39:43I want more.

00:39:44You should know what my ambitions are.

00:39:45Then get more.

00:39:47It's not going to come to you in some song and dance.

00:39:49And those buffoons in there aren't going to help you.

00:39:52Well, Matt isn't at least.

00:39:54Those are my friends in there.

00:39:56Well, you have to understand that there comes a time in life

00:39:58where you have to start making decisions for yourself.

00:40:01What choice are you going to make?

00:40:03You're not going to make me do this, are you?

00:40:04Damn it, Neil.

00:40:05If not now, then when?

00:40:07Well, I'm certainly not going to choose you.

00:40:08You're crazy.

00:40:10That wasn't the option.

00:40:11We're over, remember?

00:40:12Yeah.

00:40:12Good thing, too.

00:40:13You say that like it was some sort of prison sentence.

00:40:15Well, I sure as hell feel free now.

00:40:17Damn it, Neil.

00:40:18Why are you siding with them?

00:40:19I didn't even say anything about them.

00:40:21You didn't have to.

00:40:22I came out here to talk to you.

00:40:24No, you came out here to save your precious TV time.

00:40:26What are you, just watching the Spanish shopping channel again?

00:40:31No, we got a long stick.

00:40:33Well, I'm not leaving until I get what's mine.

00:40:36I know you're keeping them.

00:40:38We want you to leave.

00:40:39Why are you being such a bitch?

00:40:41Me?

00:40:42Didn't Matt send you down here to get rid of me?

00:40:45No, I came out here on my own.

00:40:47Liar.

00:40:48You can't make a decision for yourself, Neil.

00:40:50You've got to have someone lead you around, or you'll just hang around and veg.

00:40:56Hello, you've got a poor reason for hanging around here.

00:40:59Damn it, I thought this was going to resolve something.

00:41:01Just give me my stuff, and we'll solve this issue.

00:41:03You're so damn possessive.

00:41:05Don't just walk away from me.

00:41:06What do you want me to do?

00:41:08You want your stuff?

00:41:08You've already taken everything else that's mine.

00:41:10Isn't that good enough for you?

00:41:11No, not at all.

00:41:13What do you even want them for, anyway?

00:41:16You just want an excuse to stay here, don't you?

00:41:18Yeah, you wish.

00:41:19You're just trying to get me to lead through reverse psychology.

00:41:22Well, it's not going to work.

00:41:24What did I ever see in you?

00:41:25Don't sell a relationship so short.

00:41:27You couldn't enjoy it for what it was worth, remember?

00:41:31Be louder.

00:41:33Yeah, you certainly took a liking to that, didn't you?

00:41:34God, you're an asshole.

00:41:36That is really rubbing off on you.

00:41:38Yeah, well, you're crazy.

00:41:40I told you, don't just walk away from me.

00:41:43Watch me.

00:41:44Go to hell!

00:41:51So what do you think?

00:41:52Is it going to work out?

00:41:53I think you should get Matt to the drink.

00:41:55Told you, dude.

00:41:56Total bitch, huh?

00:41:57Neil, don't give up on her yet.

00:41:58If you're trying to pass things up, Eric, you're a fool.

00:42:02You're just overly concerned with what everyone else thinks of her.

00:42:04She can't hate you.

00:42:06She's doing everything in her power to bug the hell out of us.

00:42:09She gives a massacred doll of me.

00:42:11She doesn't really hate me.

00:42:17Welcome back, dude.

00:42:19Damn it, Matt.

00:42:20Hey, I told you.

00:42:21Stability.

00:42:22I can assure you that she'll never treat you wrong.

00:42:24I don't know.

00:42:25I just, I can't help the feeling that Lisa's plotting something bigger.

00:42:28It's not like she's going to blow up the apartment with her brain or anything.

00:42:30I guess so.

00:42:31What do you think Eric's on to, anyway?

00:42:33Yeah, probably just some Asian love-hate theory of his.

00:42:36Like those animes he watches.

00:42:38Oh, look.

00:42:39Here comes the matchmaker now.

00:42:41How do they make it so green?

00:42:43What?

00:42:44Your drink.

00:42:45How do they make it so green?

00:42:46It's like the ooze from Ninja Turtles.

00:42:49You know, I always thought drinking MD would make me a turtle.

00:42:54A turtle.

00:42:56Not a martial artist.

00:42:57A turtle?

00:42:58Yeah, I think you'd be evolving the wrong way if you turned into a turtle.

00:43:01Well, then again, for you, that might be an improvement.

00:43:03Did you guys know that the creators of the turtles took cheese graters,

00:43:06and they put them on their hand and swung it around?

00:43:08And that's how they came up with the idea for Shredder.

00:43:11Is that what your blogs tell you?

00:43:13Wiki.

00:43:13Oh, right, my second guess.

00:43:15You live on those websites, Eric,

00:43:16and yet you stay culturally ignorant and socially dense.

00:43:19Huh?

00:43:20Why did you win in a fight between the Power Rangers and the Ninja Turtles?

00:43:24Rangers?

00:43:25Huh, I'm just surprised you know who the Power Rangers are.

00:43:27Well, it did start out as a Japanese show called Super Sentai Series.

00:43:30That's right, you're an Asian kid stuck in an American body.

00:43:33How can I forget?

00:43:34You're such an Asian American.

00:43:35What?

00:43:36Asian American.

00:43:37An American kid so enveloped in Asian culture that he forgets his own roots.

00:43:41It's people like you that allow the teriyaki flood to come rushing into our country.

00:43:44From food to fashion to entertainment.

00:43:46What, is America not good enough for you?

00:43:48You don't like our cheeseburgers and our fast cars?

00:43:50That's a bit harsh, man.

00:43:52That wouldn't be a fair fight anyway.

00:43:54I mean, there's only four turtles and five Power Rangers.

00:43:56No, it'd still be a fair fight.

00:43:57They got two girls, which is basically one dude.

00:43:59Turtles would still win.

00:44:01No, my dude, the Rangers are way better.

00:44:02Dude, they're basically just different nationalities wearing different colored spandex and talking

00:44:06to a giant fucking floating head.

00:44:08Oh, because talking to a giant rat is cooler than that.

00:44:10Hey, a genetically altered rat who knows martial arts.

00:44:12You can't beat that.

00:44:13They are better trained and more hardcore than the Rainbow Crew.

00:44:16Well, what about the Megazord?

00:44:18All right, look.

00:44:18Every Power Rangers episode has the same damn formula.

00:44:21One, there's a normal human problem.

00:44:23Billy's got homework.

00:44:23Or Kimberly chipped a nail.

00:44:24Oh, no!

00:44:25Whatever.

00:44:26Two, some big beastie comes down from outer space and gets fought by the Power Rangers.

00:44:29Three, the creature gets fucking gigantic.

00:44:31Four, the Rangers call out the Megazord and they go all Godzilla on the city, causing millions

00:44:35in structural and collateral damage.

00:44:37And five, they finally get around to beating the monster and somehow manage to translate

00:44:40their success back to the problem at the beginning of the episode.

00:44:43By the way, there's no way they could beat the better trained turtles.

00:44:46Well, the pattern is because the American show is comprised of footage from the original

00:44:49Japanese series.

00:44:51Ah, he's right.

00:44:52Bullshit.

00:44:53No, really.

00:44:53Go back and watch the show.

00:44:54They were smart to use helmets to conceal the actors.

00:44:56The American show just cannibalized the footage from the Japanese one.

00:44:59Going all Godzilla was just a result of the Japanese audiences loving that man in a rubber

00:45:03suit type stuff.

00:45:04The L-Ranger was originally a dude in Japan.

00:45:06That's why she didn't wear a skirt.

00:45:08Whatever.

00:45:08They still couldn't beat the turtles.

00:45:10But they had the Megazord.

00:45:11Oh, so you're assuming they can use everything at their disposal?

00:45:13Of course they'd fucking win.

00:45:14And they'd fucking stomp the turtles with a huge fucking robot.

00:45:17Turtles had a blimp?

00:45:18Shut up, Eric.

00:45:20It'd be like pitting a meat-covered baby against a...

00:45:22a pit bull.

00:45:23So they would win.

00:45:25Shut up, Eric.

00:45:26You're my pocket knife out here.

00:45:29What the...

00:45:30What the hell?

00:45:31Oh, no.

00:45:31That's a midget knife.

00:45:32Yeah!

00:45:33That's a knife.

00:45:34And dude, it's a tower.

00:45:36Seriously, a tower.

00:45:38You don't see that every day.

00:45:39A tower.

00:45:41A medieval tower.

00:45:42Can you imagine this?

00:45:43With cannons and knights and s***?

00:45:45Wow!

00:45:47Jesus Christ.

00:45:48How'd you ever become a doctor?

00:45:51You boys and your pains.

00:45:53Yeah, yeah!

00:45:54Where's ya?

00:45:55Fight the fight.

00:45:56I'll fight the fight.

00:45:57Yeah, I'll live for nothing or die for creed.

00:45:59Creed!

00:46:00Pain in the ass.

00:46:01I gave you an Oscar-winning performance last time.

00:46:04And now you come around and chase me with a camera.

00:46:06Now I know what it feels like to have the paparazzi chase you around.

00:46:09Because you're so damn popular.

00:46:11This is XL.

00:46:13Yo, yo, yo.

00:46:14My main man Luke here.

00:46:15Spore in a 1960 pre-Cold War short stack.

00:46:18He's been suffering with his crude cue for some time.

00:46:21Watch what happens when we take his lib blocker

00:46:23and turn it into a pib blocker.

00:46:26Oh, sh...

00:46:26Is that my lock?

00:46:28No, that...

00:46:29Is that my...

00:46:30Oh, my...

00:46:30Is that my...

00:46:31Oh, that is my lock?

00:46:32Oh, sh...

00:46:33Oh, my God.

00:46:34Oh, my God.

00:46:36Oh, man.

00:46:37It's so...

00:46:37Check out the spinners.

00:46:39The spinners.

00:46:40Oh, my God.

00:46:42Oh, sh...

00:46:43Oh, sh...

00:46:44Yeah!

00:46:45Yeah!

00:46:46Oh, yeah.

00:46:48Oh, my God.

00:46:49Oh, man.

00:46:49It's so beautiful.

00:46:50I just want to rub up against it.

00:46:53Oh, it's amazing.

00:46:55It's so...

00:46:56Oh, my God.

00:46:57Oh, my God.

00:46:58Oh, the honeys are going to be wanting to put their books in my locker.

00:47:02Oh, oh, yeah.

00:47:03Oh, yeah.

00:47:05That's the only way I can get through today.

00:47:18Jeez, man.

00:47:19Don't drop a knot.

00:47:20Yeah, what are you doing?

00:47:22I'm trying to see if Lisa is still here.

00:47:23Why?

00:47:26Anything?

00:47:26No.

00:47:28She must really be gone.

00:47:30I didn't want to embarrass you, Neil.

00:47:32But now I really don't care.

00:47:34I want my bras back.

00:47:36Guys, do you know what this means?

00:47:37To finally have the support you always dreamed of.

00:47:40No, that I can't sense her anymore.

00:47:42She must be getting around it somehow.

00:47:45Maybe you don't sense your ex-girlfriends, but you only sense people who think of you as

00:47:49an ex-boyfriend.

00:47:50Which would mean, if she's starting to like you again, you can't sense her.

00:47:56That's ridiculous.

00:47:57Get off the couch, Eric.

00:47:59But no, no.

00:48:00No more ridiculous ideas.

00:48:02I don't know, guys.

00:48:03I think I'm on to something.

00:48:05If she's thinking of you as a boyfriend and all the mushy stuff that comes along with

00:48:08that, I could definitely explain why.

00:48:10You can't sense her.

00:48:11It'd be like if she doesn't kill me, let alone while thinking of me as a boyfriend when

00:48:15she does it.

00:48:15Oh, God.

00:48:16This is divine.

00:48:17TV is so much nicer with luxury seating.

00:48:19You guys are so lame.

00:48:21All you do is watch TV.

00:48:23Neil, I'm leaving.

00:48:24Sure this time?

00:48:25Is she really going?

00:48:27This could be it, Neil.

00:48:28She might really be leaving.

00:48:29Who cares?

00:48:31Shh.

00:48:33Seriously, you gotta just chill out, man.

00:48:35Come on.

00:48:35Shh.

00:48:36Just relax.

00:48:38Be happy for once.

00:48:39Matt, will you just have to-

00:48:40Shh.

00:48:43Oh, shit.

00:48:47She's coming in.

00:48:49Do something.

00:48:50You want me to do?

00:48:51Lock the door.

00:48:51It is locked.

00:48:52Grayson.

00:48:56Come on, Eric.

00:48:57No.

00:48:58I don't want to impede their lock.

00:48:59Eric.

00:49:01I thought you said this was locked.

00:49:02I thought it was locked.

00:49:03Guys, it is locked.

00:49:05I locked it.

00:49:06The door is clearly not locked.

00:49:08God, fucking door.

00:49:11Fucking slumlord.

00:49:14Damn it, Lisa.

00:49:14Just go away.

00:49:15You guys, it's just me.

00:49:17Scott?

00:49:20Jeez, what the hell was that about?

00:49:22I'm sorry.

00:49:22I forgot you were coming.

00:49:23Why didn't you call?

00:49:24I did call.

00:49:24You weren't picking up your phone.

00:49:25I mean, we even called the house phone, too.

00:49:27We?

00:49:28Oh, great.

00:49:29That's it.

00:49:29I'm done.

00:49:30What's wrong, Matt?

00:49:31Shannon?

00:49:32Yeah, we had the double date tonight, remember?

00:49:34What's with the security?

00:49:36Lisa's got a bee in her bonnet.

00:49:38A bee in her bonnet?

00:49:40Yeah, like she's pissed off.

00:49:42Oh, why didn't you just say that?

00:49:44What did you do to her?

00:49:46Me?

00:49:46I didn't do anything.

00:49:48Well, you must have.

00:49:49Otherwise, she wouldn't be mad.

00:49:51Why do I have to say it like that?

00:49:52Because if you didn't start something or just listen to her, then she wouldn't be flipping

00:49:56out right now.

00:49:57She's crazy.

00:49:58Why would I...

00:49:58Dude, no.

00:49:59Don't.

00:50:01Sometimes it's just easier.

00:50:03Good boy.

00:50:05Now, shall we?

00:50:06I don't want to be a third wheel.

00:50:07I'm fine just watching TV.

00:50:09Come on, we have tickets already.

00:50:11Why don't you just beg Lisa for her forgiveness and smooth it over with some flowers and chocolate?

00:50:16Yeah, this can still work out.

00:50:18Um, you know what, Jim?

00:50:19Maybe we cancel tonight.

00:50:21I mean, there are other things we can do.

00:50:22No, no, we're not just going to...

00:50:27It's been like this all day, Eric.

00:50:30Yep.

00:50:30It's not so bad.

00:50:31I just think Lisa and Neil aren't completely over.

00:50:34Wait, they broke up?

00:50:36Supposedly.

00:50:37I think that right now, they're more concerned with what each other thinks of the other.

00:50:43What?

00:50:44Neil thinks Lisa wants to kill him.

00:50:47Oh.

00:50:48Would she?

00:50:50I think she still loves him, but Matt would say otherwise.

00:50:54Matt, huh?

00:51:02There's all those hands.

00:51:07There you go, Shem.

00:51:21You lost your couch privileges, huh?

00:51:23Yeah.

00:51:25You, uh, do know there were chairs here, right?

00:51:28We can't use those.

00:51:29That would break with tradition.

00:51:37So, this is it?

00:51:38Listen, I don't know how you slipped past the defenses, but you should be on some double-trouble

00:51:42date with Neil and Lisa.

00:51:43But she screwed that up, and now you're sitting here with us.

00:51:45Enjoy the privilege.

00:51:46Wow, I didn't mean to offend your child, Matt.

00:51:49I just wanted to shed a little light on this matter of obsession, and not a light coming

00:51:53from a box.

00:51:53No, you just wanted us to know that you're against our TV-watching ways.

00:51:56What's so wrong with this?

00:51:57What do you got here?

00:51:58Pizza pie.

00:51:59It's for a TV-watching experience.

00:52:00You want some?

00:52:01No, thanks.

00:52:02I was talking to Scott.

00:52:04So, Neil, don't you think you should see what Lisa's doing?

00:52:07He's fine right here.

00:52:08Watches some top-notch programming.

00:52:10I was talking to Neil.

00:52:12I really don't think it's such a good idea.

00:52:14Besides, Matt says this is for the best.

00:52:15Well, Matt also thinks that toasted bread has fewer calories.

00:52:19The toaster burned some of them away.

00:52:21This is what I'm trying to say.

00:52:22That toasted bread has fewer calories?

00:52:25No, that Neil shouldn't be led around by Matt.

00:52:27I'm not leading him around.

00:52:28Oh, yeah?

00:52:29Well, then why doesn't Neil try getting back together with her?

00:52:32She told me things were really heating up between you two.

00:52:34Yeah, I bet they were heating up.

00:52:35What is that supposed to mean?

00:52:36Look, girls think every relationship is some kind of firework show.

00:52:39Like every love is supposed to be a set of rose petal trails and poems.

00:52:42It's a fabrication by the media,

00:52:43depicting a world of rainbows and lollipops,

00:52:45making it real tough on guys everywhere.

00:52:47Sometimes guys just want to hang out with guys,

00:52:49kick it back, shoot the shit.

00:52:50What is so wrong with that?

00:52:52If guys worked a little harder at what they claim to love,

00:52:55then there wouldn't be trouble in Loveland.

00:52:57Guys are too preoccupied with what their next meal is

00:53:00or when the next TV show is on

00:53:01to give a damn at a relationship.

00:53:04Hey.

00:53:04Is that my Scott?

00:53:06That's because Scott is whipped beyond belief.

00:53:08No, he's not.

00:53:09He totally is.

00:53:10You got him whipped to be the boy you want him to be.

00:53:14Matt, you're just jealous.

00:53:16Yeah.

00:53:17Yeah, sure.

00:53:17I want to be just like Scott.

00:53:18I read your book the other day, by the way.

00:53:20The Whipping Boy.

00:53:21You don't read books, Matt.

00:53:23Good one, Eric.

00:53:24Scott, tell him you're not whipped.

00:53:26Scott.

00:53:27Well...

00:53:28Tell him.

00:53:29I'm not whipped.

00:53:31See?

00:53:32Wow.

00:53:33Yeah, you proved me wrong.

00:53:35That was kind of...

00:53:36Gross.

00:53:37What?

00:53:38You just bent over backwards for her, Scott.

00:53:40I thought you were going to put up a struggle or something,

00:53:43but you snapped like a twig bridge.

00:53:46Oh, I did not bend for her.

00:53:48Dude, you totally did.

00:53:50No, he didn't.

00:53:52Scott, stand up for yourself.

00:53:54I didn't, guys.

00:53:56Jeez.

00:53:57Scott.

00:53:58Stop.

00:53:59I'm sorry you have to see this, Eric.

00:54:01This is not a good model for a growing boy.

00:54:03Matt, you are something else.

00:54:05You think that you're the ringleader now that Neil is out of a girlfriend.

00:54:08Well, he didn't make him flip out.

00:54:10Yeah, well, he might as well have.

00:54:12Matt's sense of being in a relationship is that he's made out with a cup of MD more times than

00:54:16he needs to.

00:54:17You have no...

00:54:18Me what?

00:54:20It's sort of unsettling knowing that this couch has seen more ass than you ever will.

00:54:27You have no idea what you're talking about.

00:54:28Oh, no?

00:54:30Have I struck a nerve with you, Matt?

00:54:32I just want you to get a little taste of your own medicine.

00:54:34She's got you good, man.

00:54:35Shut up, Eric.

00:54:36Oh, that's original.

00:54:38Pick on a little guy to boost yourself up.

00:54:40Are you done yet?

00:54:41Do you like it?

00:54:44Like what?

00:54:45The satisfaction of making other people's lives feel broken and imperfect, thus completing your own.

00:54:53Come on, Shannon.

00:54:53No, I just think we've had these tickets forever, and Matt's gone and ruined Neil's relationship for his own satisfaction.

00:55:01I didn't ruin anything.

00:55:02Well, you did tell him to start trying to lead his life without Lisa.

00:55:05I didn't make the decision for him.

00:55:07But you had a big influence.

00:55:08I'm just trying to bring that to light.

00:55:11That's what I've been hearing, but Matt over here is too deaf and dumb to take it to heart.

00:55:15Yeah, if I thought what you said made any sort of sense, I wouldn't do this.

00:55:18Do what?

00:55:19Now, you see, what we have here is the beautiful Wister skyline, covered in trees.

00:55:23But thanks to the saving grace of the Asian Longhorn Beetle, these god-awful obstructions will soon be gone.

00:55:28Forever.

00:55:29Come on, get out of here.

00:55:31I'm working on that damn thing.

00:55:33Anthony, you got the lowest score on the test.

00:55:36I'm afraid you'll never be a doctor.

00:55:39Wow!

00:55:40Cal, Cal, give me your diploma.

00:55:42You wouldn't have a hot damn camera.

00:55:45Captain freaking video.

00:55:47All right, are you done now?

00:55:49Yo, this ain't your grandmama's show.

00:55:51It's Dope TV.

00:55:52Just call up and we'll do s***.

00:55:551-800-Dope TV.

00:55:57What, that's not enough numbers?

00:55:59Put a pound sign in there.

00:56:01Anywhere.

00:56:02We'll figure it out.

00:56:04Dope TV.

00:56:06Hmm.

00:56:07Now's my chance.

00:56:09Scott and Shannon have never played this before.

00:56:11They won't know what hit them.

00:56:13What if I don't make it?

00:56:15Yeah, I will.

00:56:16Let's do it.

00:56:18I sure could use a drink.

00:56:41What?

00:56:43How?

00:56:43Take the walk, Eric.

00:56:45I'm sorry, Eric.

00:56:45You know you don't have to do this.

00:56:48Matt says it's the rules.

00:56:50I was the last one to touch my nose.

00:56:52Matt also says that dogs roll around in the dirt for minerals.

00:56:55Really?

00:56:56Well then how do they get such nice shiny coats then?

00:56:58The point is you don't have to be listening to him.

00:57:02Yeah, maybe.

00:57:04But this is how it is.

00:57:09See, I didn't make that choice for him.

00:57:11Well, you could have influenced him to make the right decision.

00:57:14What is right, anyway?

00:57:15He's got you there.

00:57:16Scott, don't team up with him.

00:57:19Neil, haven't you had enough of this?

00:57:21I don't think this situation is improving.

00:57:23Why aren't you listening to Eric?

00:57:25Eric?

00:57:26I tried and it just stirred up some old flames.

00:57:29Maybe I don't think Lisa's ever going to change.

00:57:31Besides, what's wrong with all this?

00:57:32This?

00:57:33This slump of mindlessness?

00:57:35Hey, watch it, alright?

00:57:37You're tripping on thin ice.

00:57:38This is my sphere of entertainment you're talking about.

00:57:39Sphere of entertainment?

00:57:40Don't make it sound so legal.

00:57:42This place has been tuned to perform at its peak level.

00:57:44You blocked the windows with posters.

00:57:47Well, there is a nasty glare without them.

00:57:49You have a giant ass remote that you talk to.

00:57:50Hey, whoa!

00:57:51Don't talk about Howie that way.

00:57:52Yeah, he's family.

00:57:54I'm just saying that this sphere isn't offering an environment to grow.

00:57:58Come on, Shannon.

00:57:59It's kind of nice.

00:57:59You know, it's quiet, quaint.

00:58:01I mean, we don't really sit around like this that often.

00:58:03We're always doing stuff.

00:58:05Right.

00:58:06This is why I don't let you watch TV.

00:58:08It sucks you in.

00:58:09That's why I don't let you go back to Lisa.

00:58:11See, you are holding him back.

00:58:12She's just going to continue to hate and hurt until she gets her stuff back.

00:58:15Then why don't you just give it all back then?

00:58:17Yeah, lure her back here and just smack her.

00:58:19You want me to go to jail, dude?

00:58:20Hey, just don't call me, remember?

00:58:21Matt, you're terrible.

00:58:23I mean, aren't there equal rights nowadays?

00:58:25Oh, you would say that in a cave, man.

00:58:27Hey, just saying.

00:58:29Well, you shouldn't.

00:58:31Say something, Scott.

00:58:33Uh, yeah.

00:58:34Yeah, Matt, don't say such things.

00:58:39Just saying.

00:58:40If I had to deal with someone like Lisa,

00:58:41they could take a smack every now and then when they're out of line.

00:58:44Equal rights means equal opportunity to defend oneself.

00:58:46Yeah, I don't think it works like that.

00:58:48I mean, just because you, you know, spend time with your lover, you know,

00:58:51listen to her once in needs.

00:58:54You know, you just put some tampons in your pocket for her once in a while.

00:58:57Don't give you the right to beat a woman.

00:59:00Tampons in the pocket?

00:59:02Dude.

00:59:04What?

00:59:05There are just some lines that shouldn't be crossed.

00:59:07You put tampons in your pocket.

00:59:09You make him put tampons in his pocket.

00:59:11When we go hiking or wherever a person would be a burden.

00:59:15Well, touch them.

00:59:16Dude, that's not the point.

00:59:17That's a violation of your personal space.

00:59:19You're violating his personal space.

00:59:20What is the big deal?

00:59:21What if you get pulled over by the cops or something and they search you?

00:59:25You're going to look like some kind of weirdo.

00:59:26You've got to defend your limits, dude.

00:59:28I mean, with girls, you've got to be ruthless.

00:59:29Oh, is that panning out for you?

00:59:31It's not like you're looking like a dead dog carrier.

00:59:33Scott, don't.

00:59:34Oh, it's about her?

00:59:35Do tell.

00:59:37Happened back in Beantown.

00:59:38Shannon carries around dead dogs.

00:59:40You carry around dead dogs.

00:59:41It's more than just that.

00:59:43How can it be more than that?

00:59:45It has to do with my friend's dog.

00:59:47While I was dog-sitting it, it died.

00:59:49I put the dog into some luggage to take it to the vet.

00:59:52And as I was getting onto the subway, a guy stopped to help me because I was struggling.

00:59:57And why am I even telling you this?

00:59:59Oh, you're too far in.

01:00:00You can't stop now.

01:00:00I don't want Matt to hear it.

01:00:01What?

01:00:02Just cover your ears.

01:00:06Well, he asked me why I had such heavy luggage.

01:00:08And I told him it was computer parts.

01:00:11And when I got to my stop, I went to thank him, and he punched me in the face, and

01:00:16he

01:00:16took the luggage, and he ran.

01:00:19He punched you in the face?

01:00:20Damn it, Matt!

01:00:21Oh, my God.

01:00:21He really punched you in the face?

01:00:23Yeah, he did.

01:00:24I couldn't believe it either.

01:00:26Well, what did the guy seem like?

01:00:27Was he sketchy looking?

01:00:28No, the guy was in a suit and tie.

01:00:29It was totally unexpected.

01:00:31You.

01:00:31I think I must think you're some kind of freak carrying around dead dogs.

01:00:35Oh, my God.

01:00:36You're going to get remembered as the girl who carries around dead dogs forever.

01:00:39It just goes to show you that men are up to no good.

01:00:42No, it just goes to show you that you should have defended your limits and told your friends

01:00:44to go pick up their own damn dead dog.

01:00:47See, Nail, this is why you shouldn't be getting back with Lisa.

01:00:49She's just going to end up killing your dog.

01:00:50Well, I don't have a dog.

01:00:51Yeah, and you don't have tampons in your pockets either.

01:00:53That's true.

01:00:54I don't want that.

01:00:56Scott, let's salvage this night and go see that play.

01:00:59Oh, do we have to?

01:01:00Yes, Scott.

01:01:02Look at this place.

01:01:03What does it have that makes you want to stay in this dump?

01:01:05The cave of entertainment.

01:01:07Come on, Scott.

01:01:08I'm done here.

01:01:08You're blocking the damn TV.

01:01:10Scott, we're leaving.

01:01:13You know what?

01:01:14I think I want to stay.

01:01:16Call your girlfriend to go out with you.

01:01:18Excuse me?

01:01:21Dude, reconsider.

01:01:23I don't know what you're trying to pull here, Matt,

01:01:25but I have worked too hard on this one

01:01:26to let some brain box pose a bigger influence on him than me.

01:01:30Scott, just go.

01:01:32Save us.

01:01:33This could get worse.

01:01:35I just want to watch TV with the guys.

01:01:36Yeah, you want that?

01:01:37Yeah, I do.

01:01:38Yeah?

01:01:38Yeah.

01:01:39Grab your ear, then.

01:01:43And you two, you better stop watching this thing

01:01:45before you choke on stupid.

01:02:00Eric, we're leaving.

01:02:02What?

01:02:02Larry Singer is on next.

01:02:04We love him.

01:02:04Do you really like being here with them?

01:02:08You know, Shannon, sometimes it's just easier.

01:02:11Yeah, and cheaper sometimes, too.

01:02:13Scott, we're going.

01:02:14Yes, ma'am?

01:02:17Boys.

01:02:19We have a unique bond here.

01:02:21Maybe you just can't see it.

01:02:23I just know what works for me and Scott.

01:02:26But I want you to think about what you could be missing

01:02:28in the rest of the world.

01:02:30We're making our own memories here.

01:02:32What's so good about the rest of the world?

01:02:33What about starting a relationship and having a family?

01:02:39I have a family.

01:02:40One where their IQ passes their age.

01:02:43I like my friends.

01:02:44You like your couch spot, too.

01:02:47Yeah.

01:02:49I'm just saying, I think Matt's been shaken up with a woman on this turf.

01:02:54Maybe with his defenses down, you can get your point across to Neil?

01:02:57Eric, Singer's starting!

01:02:59Coming!

01:03:00Bye, Shannon.

01:03:06Hey, Eric.

01:03:08How's the MD?

01:03:09Just fine, Matt.

01:03:11Gotta pick your battles, man.

01:03:14So they gone or what?

01:03:16Yeah, they're gone.

01:03:17Man, I was getting worried.

01:03:18I hate having to defend my sphere from women.

01:03:21Matt, what's a chode?

01:03:22What?

01:03:23Before.

01:03:24You called me a chode.

01:03:26What's that?

01:03:27Oh, jeez.

01:03:28Well, it's like a...

01:03:31It's like a...

01:03:32It's a chode.

01:03:35It's like a...

01:03:36It's sort of like...

01:03:38It's a...

01:03:39Kind of...

01:03:41Down here?

01:03:42Or something?

01:03:43Like, I guess...

01:03:44What the hell is that?

01:03:44That doesn't tell me shit.

01:03:45Well, screw you.

01:03:46It's hard to describe.

01:03:47Sure as hell try.

01:03:48No way.

01:03:49I'm just taking a page out of your book.

01:03:50You can't do that.

01:03:51I just did, you stupid chode.

01:03:52What do you even want to know, anyway?

01:03:53Because I keep a list of everything you call me on my blog.

01:03:57I can't even tell if you're serious or not.

01:03:59You know, it's kind of reminding me of a fish head.

01:04:01You know, a chode of a fish head.

01:04:05Thanks, Neil.

01:04:06You're always there to help me out.

01:04:08All right, look.

01:04:08I got it.

01:04:09You remember Brian from school?

01:04:11Who?

01:04:12Brian.

01:04:12He was all, like, tiny and deformed.

01:04:14Had, like, short arms and fingers and shit like that.

01:04:16Oh, yeah.

01:04:17Didn't he have some rare deformation that screwed with his bones?

01:04:19I don't know.

01:04:20Anyway, he's chodey.

01:04:22Huh.

01:04:23Well, I'm still not really clear on what a chode is, but I guess I'll just think of Brian whenever

01:04:27I hear it.

01:04:28Great.

01:04:29Poor guy can't go one day without someone using his physical deformations as an example.

01:04:32If it gets used as an example, it helps the learning process.

01:04:36He shouldn't always be painted in a negative light like that.

01:04:38Now Eric's going to think of Brian every time he hears a chode.

01:04:40Sorry, object association's the best way to remember it.

01:04:42That's how I do it.

01:04:44What, do you associate girls with, like, knives or paint or something?

01:04:47No way.

01:04:48Above all that, my wallet.

01:04:49I just gotta remember how much girls I actually require.

01:04:52Unless you find one at a good rate.

01:04:54Of course.

01:04:56You ever think that letting a girl into your life might actually change it for the better?

01:05:00No.

01:05:01Couldn't picture Matt as a significant other.

01:05:02Unless she was totally succumbing to his demands.

01:05:05Unable to stay quiet.

01:05:07Unable to react quickly to changing circumstances.

01:05:10Like a computer.

01:05:12So you're saying I need a robot girlfriend?

01:05:14Oh yeah.

01:05:15I'm sure your thumb drive will fit your USB port just fine.

01:05:18At least I'm not like Brian.

01:05:20Chode?

01:05:20See?

01:05:21Oh come on.

01:05:22Hey look, all I'm saying is he's so short and squat, it reminds me of a dwarf.

01:05:26I thought he was a chode.

01:05:27Same thing.

01:05:28Just my thumb drive functions way better than his tunican dick.

01:05:31What?

01:05:32Look, dwarves are so chodey and squat and short, they gotta have tunican dicks.

01:05:37I'll never look at Gimli the same way again.

01:05:39Hey, just a fact of life.

01:05:40Poor guy.

01:05:41It's gotta be tough handling a snub nose like that.

01:05:44He probably deals with it the same way we all deal with our small problems.

01:05:48Reading a book.

01:05:51Yeah, just kidding.

01:05:53You know what?

01:05:54Let's bring him out.

01:05:55Let's bring him out here.

01:05:56Yeah!

01:05:57Oh!

01:05:58Oh!

01:05:59Yeah!

01:06:00Bullshit!

01:06:01Bullshit!

01:06:02Bullshit!

01:06:02He's my man!

01:06:03He's my man!

01:06:04No, just cause you were born a man!

01:06:31I'm throwing this chit!

01:06:32I'm throwing this chit!

01:06:33I'm throwing this chit!

01:06:34Don't bat!

01:06:35No!

01:06:35Yeah, we'll be right back.

01:06:39Wow, there's so much swearing on this show.

01:06:42Why do they have to beep it out?

01:06:44Yeah, I know.

01:06:44I mean, we know what they're saying.

01:06:46Why can't they just let it go?

01:06:47It's probably just a cultural preservation thing.

01:06:49To keep the public away from it for as long as fucking possible.

01:06:52Yeah, but it cuts off the dialogue and it makes everyone sound like a robot.

01:06:56In that case, R2-D2 probably cusses like a fucking sailor.

01:06:59All it does is bloop and bleep.

01:07:01What?

01:07:02Think about it.

01:07:03If all the other bots could speak, why wouldn't they put voice modulators under the R2 models?

01:07:06He probably didn't need one.

01:07:08I mean, wasn't his job just to talk to the ships?

01:07:10The R2 models must have been programmed to cuss like hell

01:07:12and to preserve the culture of the galaxy.

01:07:13They were all bleeped.

01:07:15So you're saying that every time R2-D2 makes any noises, he's cussing like a truck driver?

01:07:19R2, shut down all the garbage compactors on the detention levels.

01:07:22No, shut them all down!

01:07:24Aw, hell no!

01:07:25I'm not sticking my fucking dick into another fucking computer.

01:07:27Last time I did that, I got a fucking virus, you son of a bitch!

01:07:30You hack that shit yourself, you asshole!

01:07:33Wow.

01:07:34That's disturbing.

01:07:37Oh, right R2.

01:07:39We'll take care of everything.

01:07:41Yeah, you better you fuckhead!

01:07:42Seriously, what the fuck?

01:07:43I used to have my jets, where'd the hell they go?

01:07:45I want my flamethrower back!

01:07:46I can't do shit with this little fucking taser thing I got!

01:07:49I used to fucking fly, can you believe that?

01:07:51You have any idea how fucking annoying that is to roll around when I could fucking fly at one point?

01:07:55God damn it, you tell them to suck my fucking little metal dick!

01:08:00If only you used your time for something more constructive.

01:08:02Yeah, if I had 10% of the free time you have, I'd have like, 7 extra hours in my

01:08:06day.

01:08:08You're saying my days have 70 hours in them?

01:08:10Yeah. Yeah, you're that lazy.

01:08:13Okay, whatever.

01:08:14Can I get back on the couch now?

01:08:16Sorry, Eric. The couch is for winners.

01:08:18Nah, he's right.

01:08:20Bullshit!

01:08:22I am sick and tired of this, Matt. You are not right.

01:08:25Turn off the TV.

01:08:26Fuck no.

01:08:28Hey, hey, what the-

01:08:29I've tried to be nice, but I don't think I can take it anymore.

01:08:31Eric, turn on the fucking TV!

01:08:32Quiet!

01:08:33Do you hear that?

01:08:38No, it's completely quiet.

01:08:39No, listen.

01:08:41God.

01:08:45It is quiet.

01:08:47Maybe Lisa's really gone.

01:08:48Exactly, they watch TV in peace.

01:08:50No, Matt. I have to do this.

01:08:54Maybe she's still here.

01:08:55And maybe she's not.

01:08:57Maybe we should go check.

01:08:59I still think there's something here, Neil.

01:09:00You and Lisa have been longing for each other, but you expressed it through your anger.

01:09:03It's too dangerous. This could all be part of a plan.

01:09:06Or in your case, it's paranoia.

01:09:08I listened to you before, Eric. What's going to change now?

01:09:10You, Neil. You have to change.

01:09:12You can't keep wanting what other people want you to want.

01:09:14You have to want whatever it is that you really do want.

01:09:17What?

01:09:18A life living fear is a life half-lived.

01:09:20It sounds to me like you don't want Lisa to be gone.

01:09:23Aren't you at least curious whether she wants you back or not?

01:09:25Or do you just want to watch some more TV?

01:09:27No way, Neil. Look. This is for the better, alright?

01:09:29You can watch way more TV without her.

01:09:31Don't you want more than that, Neil?

01:09:32I do.

01:09:33What if she's waiting for you right now?

01:09:35I have to go get her.

01:09:36Well, she's certainly not going to come to you.

01:09:37She's been trying, but you keep the door locked.

01:09:40Shittily.

01:09:42What do you want, Eric?

01:09:43It doesn't matter what I want. I just want to help you make the right choice.

01:09:48We should check if she's still here.

01:09:50Matt, go get the door, Eric. Check that window. I'll get this one.

01:09:53Ready? Go.

01:10:01Clear.

01:10:02Clear.

01:10:08All clear here, too.

01:10:11I guess she's really gone.

01:10:13I wonder where she went.

01:10:14Who cares? Seriously, dude. It's probably just post-traumatic break-up residue or something.

01:10:18It'll pass.

01:10:19Look, we got a good thing here. Let's just keep it forever, yeah?

01:10:22I just thought I was onto something.

01:10:26Jeez, Bruce, thanks for coming out here on such short notice to see me.

01:10:29I know you have that deadline for that new office building next Monday, and your car just got towed and

01:10:34-

01:10:35Hey, I only had to take two buses and a cab to get here. You're worth it.

01:10:39Thanks. I just really needed to talk to someone.

01:10:42I can see that. You sounded distressed when I talked to her on the phone.

01:10:45Yeah, I don't really want to talk about that. I just want to talk to someone else about anything else.

01:10:51Okay, uh, how about politics?

01:10:53No way! Politics are terrible! It's about who has the most pull and the most money. It's not even a

01:10:59representation of the people anymore. Don't even get me started.

01:11:02Okay, fine. Um, how about superpowers?

01:11:06Oh yeah? What about them?

01:11:09I've just always had this theory that everyone has a secret power hidden inside of them.

01:11:14You mean how Bruce Wayne is really Batman?

01:11:17No, even less than that. I just think that everyone has something inside of them. Like a power or a

01:11:22talent. Besides, Batman isn't a superhero.

01:11:27So it's something you're born with?

01:11:29Yeah. Maybe something trivial, like the ability to always know where your car keys are.

01:11:34Or maybe something so great that the government has to snatch you up and erase your existence. But I think

01:11:39everyone has something.

01:11:43Right. Surely you have some evidence to back this up?

01:11:45Well, take my power, for instance.

01:11:48Your power to make little babies cry by looking at them?

01:11:51No, silly. I have the power to instill desire in females.

01:11:59Oh, you're serious? Fat lot that did you. You're still a virgin.

01:12:06That's my choice.

01:12:09Well, how come you've never used this on me?

01:12:12Because it goes against my superhero code of ethics.

01:12:15I would never enchant a taken woman.

01:12:17Let's not bring him into this.

01:12:18Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just trying to prove my power.

01:12:21Well, I'll be honest with you. You're not doing a very good job.

01:12:25It seems like all men think they have this power by force or wealth.

01:12:29It's not too attractive if you ask me.

01:12:32I enjoy a man who needs his woman. Who can't sleep if she's not next to him.

01:12:39A...

01:12:39A pushover.

01:12:41A romantic.

01:12:42Huh?

01:12:44Hey!

01:12:45Aha! Did you notice anything strange about that?

01:12:48That people in the city would step on you as soon as they look at you?

01:12:52No. What we just saw was a byproduct of Homeless Al's superpower.

01:12:57His power? To live off baked beans and brandy?

01:13:01No. Judging by his survival rate, Homeless Al has the ability to survive hypothermia every night.

01:13:07Which is a pretty good superpower for a homeless guy.

01:13:11But it becomes a great cost.

01:13:12Ooh, the plot thickens.

01:13:14Yep.

01:13:15No one seems to notice him as they walk by.

01:13:17To the point where they stumble over him because he's practically invisible.

01:13:21A tragic superhero flaw.

01:13:23So instead of proving that everyone has a superpower, you just prove that everyone in the city is an asshole.

01:13:30Congratulations.

01:13:31Alright. Well, take Nelson here.

01:13:34Nelson.

01:13:35Ooh, does he share your power over women?

01:13:37No. Nelson has the ability to instantly transform his environment into a kung fu movie.

01:13:47I have yet to see it, but someday it will be a spectacle to behold.

01:13:52Okay. Let's say I believe you.

01:13:55What would my superpower be?

01:13:57I've always wanted to be in a musical or blow up my ex-boyfriend with my brains.

01:14:02Well, that's radically different.

01:14:03Um, but how about something more useful?

01:14:07Like the ability to move on.

01:14:09Let go.

01:14:10Let go?

01:14:12Like, let go of my hands around his throat?

01:14:14No, I mean, turn the other cheek.

01:14:17Look to greener pastures.

01:14:19Go out with someone who thinks they're smart, funny, and beautiful.

01:14:22That'd be like giving up without a fight.

01:14:24Well, maybe that's someone who's right in front of you and you haven't even noticed it yet.

01:14:27Huh? Sorry, I was thinking.

01:14:31God, I must have hit you hard when he dumped you.

01:14:33Is that what he's telling people? I dumped him.

01:14:35What? Are you kidding me?

01:14:37Then why are you still stalking the poor bastard?

01:14:39Um, ugh, I can't say.

01:14:41Look, Lisa, I mean this in the nicest way possible.

01:14:45You need psychiatric help.

01:14:47The only reason that you still pursue someone, someone that you dumped, is that you have serious mental issues.

01:14:53Or that you still seriously like the person.

01:14:56I think you need to move on.

01:14:58Hmm.

01:15:00I never thought about it that way.

01:15:03You're right.

01:15:09Yeah.

01:15:10Yeah.

01:15:12I don't know how I could have been so blind.

01:15:15Lisa.

01:15:16I...

01:15:17It was never about getting my stuff back.

01:15:20Thanks, Bruce.

01:15:25Lisa, wait!

01:15:26I...

01:15:28Fuck!

01:15:51I...

01:15:52I...

01:15:55I...

01:16:00I...

01:16:01...

01:16:06I...

01:16:10I...

01:16:12I...

01:16:13I...

01:16:14I...

01:16:23Lisa!

01:16:25Neil, take me back.

01:16:27You mean it?

01:16:28I knew there was a reason my ex-girlfriend Sansa wasn't tingling anymore.

01:16:32It must be because you really love me.

01:16:33How could I ever leave you?

01:16:35How could I ever let you go?

01:16:40No, dude, no!

01:16:42Not you, too.

01:16:43Eric, shut the fuck up!

01:16:50My remote!

01:16:53You're keeping this, too?

01:16:57Steal my stuff.

01:17:04And this is for my bra.

01:17:07I haven't been able to change my channels, Neil.

01:17:10I thought you might have changed, but you still only care about me.

01:17:16But I have changed. I'm choosing you.

01:17:18Damn it, Neil. You are never going to change.

01:17:21I have done everything for you, Neil, and you just sit and be controlled.

01:17:25Well, not anymore.

01:17:31Lisa, no!

01:17:32Howie, no!

01:17:33Lisa!

01:17:33Howie!

01:17:34Lisa!

01:17:35Howie!

01:17:35She took the remote!

01:17:37You can't change this shit!

01:17:39It's not even TV!

01:17:40Damn you when you're TV!

01:17:42It's what got me in this mess in the first place!

01:17:43Hey! It's what we have together, dude!

01:17:45Yeah, don't blame him in the TV. This is your fault.

01:17:47Shut up, Eric.

01:17:48Don't pass the blame around.

01:17:49You're the one who lost everything, so do something about it.

01:17:51If you want Lisa, go get her!

01:17:52Forget that! Go get Howie!

01:17:58Damn it, dude. I was just trying to show you that it's your decision to make.

01:18:03Come on, man. Now we got nothing.

01:18:05What kept this together is gone.

01:18:07You know, maybe Lisa is a little off-kilter, but I can't tell you if you love her or not.

01:18:13Forget this, man. God damn it, Neil!

01:18:23Let's go!

01:18:36Let's go!

01:18:44Let's go!

01:18:46Let's go!

01:18:47Let's go!

01:18:49Let's go!

01:18:57Let's go!

01:19:03Let's go!

01:19:04Let's go!

01:19:06Let's go!

01:19:08Let's go!

01:19:09Let's go!

01:19:11Let's go!

01:19:12Let's go!

01:19:13Let's go!

01:19:14Hey!

01:19:27Artista Latisse ancora non sta

01:19:30Qui c'è il piano di un uomo

01:19:32morto per la libertà

01:19:46Lalalalalalalalalala

01:19:48Voi dall'alto che predicate a me a quasi dei primi miti

01:19:52Spendete l'amore e la vita per le sbagli e nell'idiozia

01:19:55Il sogno che ha spettigli e non raccoglie ideali traditi

01:19:58Scambiune insieme alla gente lungo sentiero dell'utopia

01:20:01Ma il solito è portatori di democrazia

01:20:04Che hanno visto al gettano del banco lì con la nostra utopia

01:20:08Noi viviamo amore, stranito in realtà

01:20:11Spendete l'amore e la vita per le sbagli e la nostra utopia

01:20:20Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

01:20:35Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

01:20:36Stop the cab!

01:20:50Neil, you came back.

01:20:53I had to.

01:20:54I had a big choice to make, and you were a really big part in it.

01:21:02Damn it.

01:21:03I can't believe this.

01:21:05My sphere's been under siege all day, and now I'm ruined.

01:21:08Yeah.

01:21:09I'm going to miss the three of us hanging out.

01:21:12Why the hell did you spur him on in the first place?

01:21:15I felt like this was bigger than we could perceive.

01:21:18It'd be selfish to keep him here for our own reasons, and I wanted to help him make the right

01:21:21choice.

01:21:22Whatever it was.

01:21:24Great.

01:21:25Now we're going to have to find a new roommate from the look of it.

01:21:29I wonder what Brian's up to.

01:21:31Who?

01:21:31Chode?

01:21:32Oh, yeah.

01:21:35Matt, I'm sorry.

01:21:37I didn't mean to break up our trio.

01:21:39Whatever.

01:21:40Look, I just...

01:21:41I knew girls were more trouble than they were worth.

01:21:44You probably just have to find the right one.

01:21:46What, like Lisa?

01:21:47I have no idea what Neil even sees in her.

01:21:49God, why the hell did you put him up to this, Eric?

01:21:52That's what I've been saying.

01:21:53I don't think either of us knows what's best for him.

01:21:58Oh, look.

01:21:58Here come the lovebirds now.

01:22:09He's a psycho bitch.

01:22:13He's a psycho bitch.

01:22:28All'orizzonte dell'illusione.

01:22:32Oltre le falde della disinformazione, lamenti stolti, vuoti impuniti, mani assortati dalla danza dei banditi.

01:22:42Ai piedi di una memoria ingrata, spegna le storie di una terra liberata, caduta in mare, nell'incoscienza, spenduta al

01:22:53banco di una pieca indiferenza.

01:23:00Done good, Neil.

01:23:02And now we can eat.

01:23:04Yeah.

01:23:07Fuck.

01:23:09Fuck.

01:23:25Fuck.

01:23:35Fuck.

01:23:42Fuck.

01:23:43Fuck.

01:23:44Fuck.

01:23:46Fuck.

01:23:47Fuck.

01:23:48Fuck.

01:23:49Fuck.

01:23:50Fuck.

01:23:51Fuck.

01:23:52Fuck.

01:23:53Fuck.

01:23:54Fuck.

01:24:26Scomparo sui mini sentieri, cammino per giorni e sere

01:24:29Tra lamenti del vuoto, nel tormento e la povertà

01:24:32Lo spegne, l'idea che si accende tra macerie di basso e barriere

01:24:35Ernestas quando si cura e cresce con la verità

01:24:38Qui nelle città, qui la fida la gente

01:24:41Si arraffita con l'odio e il sole della verità

01:24:45Martin Zalakis ancora non sa

01:24:48Qui c'è il piede di un uomo morto per la libertà

01:24:58Damn, with all this pizza pie, I sure could use a drink

01:25:04Shit

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