00:00Sometimes you're born into an awesome family, but for many of us, getting that loving family we dream of means going out and finding it.
00:07While they were long seen as secondary to blood ties, the truth is that the bonds of chosen family can be the tightest and most important there are.
00:15My friends are the most important thing in my life.
00:17More than just providing safety and love, found families are incredibly vital because they're not an obligation, but a choice.
00:24Everyone involved making the choice to be there for each other, to continue to grow those bonds.
00:29So, how have families of choice become such a major part of our lives and our favorite stories on screen?
00:34And what do they tell us about what really matters in relationships?
00:37Let's take a deeper look.
00:39While the common ideal of a nuclear family presents a picture-perfect front of togetherness and love, the realities of biological families can vary widely.
00:48Mom, please don't do this.
00:51And there are a number of different reasons that one might begin to feel the need to seek out the feeling of family elsewhere.
00:57It could be small things, like just wanting to expand your horizons and form a community with people that aren't just like your family.
01:03You know, I think we did pretty good in there, man.
01:06And I told you, we make a good team. I'm the brains, you're the brawn.
01:09This can particularly be the case for solo kids, as we discussed more in-depth in our video on Only Child Syndrome.
01:14Do you see her anywhere?
01:16You're not gonna.
01:17Unless you make an appointment with her assistant or hang around her bedroom door at 3 o'clock in the morning.
01:22Because they're the only person in their family their age, except for maybe some cousins if they're lucky,
01:28they can be driven to go out and find that kind of peer-level camaraderie and care.
01:32Or it can be the result of larger issues, like to escape the grasp of a family that's attempting to push you down a path that you've come to realize you don't want.
01:40Or the result of feeling alone or left behind thanks to your nuclear family being split or pulled apart.
01:46Chandler, dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce doesn't mean we don't love you.
01:52And, of course, there's the most unfortunate but very real impetus behind many found families,
01:57being harmed by or even forced out of one's biological family, an issue we'll dig into more in a moment.
02:03Being surrounded by people who care for you is so key to a happy and fulfilling life,
02:07but finding and keeping friendships can be incredibly difficult.
02:10Nice work, Al. You're the Michael Jordan of destroying friendships.
02:14And for many people, the issues within their nuclear families that led to them seeking out deeper connections elsewhere
02:20actually damaged their ability to do so, which can lead to a continual cycle of blowing up friendships.
02:26When you have to build up walls to protect yourself, it can be very difficult to ever let them down.
02:31You're really mean.
02:32Put it in a letter, Jane Austen!
02:34This can lead both to lashing out at others and refusing to even try to make connections because you feel like there's no point.
02:40I can't keep it together. I piss people off.
02:44I don't have any friends, real friends. I'll probably get kicked out of Barton too, and when I do, it'll be my own fault.
02:48But even when we might feel like all hope is lost, we can still find our way to a chosen family that loves us.
02:54I've been a failure my whole life.
02:57That's not so bad once you get used to it.
02:59Things have a way of working out. At least for me.
03:02On Friends, we can see how different issues with family, and lack thereof, can lead to issues forming relationships in adulthood,
03:09but also how they can lead to a desire to really do the work to build up and keep a found family once you find the people that you mesh with.
03:16Phoebe was orphaned and had a notoriously difficult childhood.
03:19My mom had killed herself, and my dad had run off, and I was living in a gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
03:25But this didn't lead to her becoming jaded or pushing everyone away. Just the opposite, in fact.
03:30She cares about her friends more than anything, and is willing to do whatever it takes to keep their relationship strong.
03:36Chandler, on the other hand, definitely did have his sense of self and ability to connect with others negatively altered by his childhood.
03:42Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same.
03:46Bittertown?
03:48Aloneville?
03:49Hermit Junction?
03:50But his friends are always there for him anyways, even when he's being very Chandler.
03:55Because they're more than just friends, they're true family.
03:59Finding your people can feel like a major struggle, but it's worth the battle.
04:03You get to find me, babe.
04:04Your found family might not end up looking how you might have imagined it.
04:08Your conception of who you are and the reality of who you mesh with and who really cares about you might not always align at first.
04:14You can't even dream a whole dream, can you?
04:17But that's the great thing about found families.
04:19Their foundation is built on accepting one another as you are.
04:23So even if you are incredibly different from each other, that doesn't have to be a roadblock.
04:27Instead, it just means that you all have your own different place you fit into the family.
04:31All coming together to create a unique and unbreakable blend.
04:35Get over here, Zuko.
04:37Being part of the group also means being part of group hugs.
04:40Finding your people means not only accepting them as they are, but you and your true self too.
04:46You know what that is?
04:48It's gross.
04:49A key part of found families is that they're an active choice everyone involved is making.
04:54Not an obligation born out of birth or contracts, but a choice everyone makes every day to wake up and be there for each other.
05:01Pick up your pom-poms, Pierce.
05:02Stuff your bra and get ready for the team bus to forget you at a Taco Bell because life is tough.
05:08But we soldier on.
05:09The pressure of biological family can lead to you staying tethered to people no matter how cruel or hurtful they might be,
05:15or how much they might hold you back from your dreams.
05:17But families of choice aren't about being bound by the worst aspects of destiny,
05:22but instead becoming the master of your own fate.
05:24We should really learn how to play the real way.
05:26That doesn't mean that everything will always be perfect, and that you'll always get along,
05:36but instead, just that you're willing to meet each other where you're at and work on growing together.
05:41She might be a dick.
05:43But she's my dick.
05:45Actually, she's our dick.
05:49Found families can be especially critical for LGBTQ plus people,
05:53who aren't always accepted for who they are by their families of origin,
05:56and who can even be kicked out or forced to run away for their own safety.
06:00Who the hell are you?
06:02We're family.
06:06According to the New York State Office of Children and Family Services,
06:09research has shown that while only 4.5% of the general population identified as LGBTQ,
06:15as many as 40% of the homeless youth population identify as LGBTQ.
06:19Found families then become an incredibly vital avenue towards safety, security, and happiness.
06:25What if it's not a dare?
06:27What if life just begins again?
06:31Our flag means death gives a simultaneously touching and hilarious window
06:36into how finding your people can truly change your conception of yourself and your entire life for the better.
06:41A ragtag group of misfit pirates,
06:44they initially don't seem like they'd be able to become a successful team.
06:47But, deep down, they're all looking for somewhere they can finally fit in.
06:52A place to call home.
06:53And so, they're able to work past any differences
06:55to begin building a family where they can feel secure and cared for,
06:59and sometimes even fall in love.
07:01If someone returns from the raid mentally devastated,
07:04we talk it through as a crew.
07:07Because that's what we do here on The Revenge.
07:10Chosen families work together to afford a tight bond
07:13that can survive the ups and downs of life.
07:15They avoid many of the negative power dynamics that can be inherent within biological families,
07:20which can lead to some family members feeling constrained or less important,
07:24while others are elevated above the rest.
07:26I'm a gemstone too, Jessie.
07:28I want to do things too.
07:29Why does daddy always overlook me, huh?
07:31Come on, don't get your panties in a bunch, sis.
07:33Found families level the playing field.
07:35Everyone is there of their own free will,
07:37and in agreement to accept everyone else how they are.
07:40This doesn't mean that there's no personal growth,
07:42just the opposite, in fact.
07:44Because chosen families accept each member for their true selves,
07:47that also means they're able to help push each other
07:49to evolve into the best version of them they can be.
07:51I don't think I've ever had a real family Christmas like this before.
07:54Thank you, Mary.
07:56You're welcome.
07:57They're able to challenge each other in a positive way
08:00that helps foster that growth.
08:02You're a damn fine pirate.
08:04Anything in particular you like about my skillset?
08:06Let's not do this.
08:07She said enough, take the compliment with grace.
08:09And because it's clear that everyone is coming from a place of love,
08:12they're all able to be honest with one another.
08:15We got into it, and he called me inconsistent.
08:18What?
08:19Oh, you're crazy.
08:21Crazy.
08:22Wow, really?
08:23While that kind of openness and lack of walls
08:25can sometimes be scary within a biological family,
08:28having to wonder if sharing too much of yourself
08:30will change the dynamic in a way that harms you,
08:32fearing that being too you could lead to negative consequences
08:35within your found family
08:36is the one place you can always feel able to open up
08:39and share even your darkest secret.
08:41We're sisters.
08:42You're my family.
08:43What is you is me.
08:44There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go.
08:47They can sometimes know you even better than you know yourself,
08:50and they're also not afraid to use that
08:52to push you towards the growth you might be afraid of.
08:54And you know what?
08:55You could really benefit from learning how to stand up for yourself.
08:58Oh, Penny, what did they do to your car?
09:02Could I get two back?
09:02Sure.
09:03And even when disagreements occur and things feel fraught,
09:06one of the most important parts of a found family
09:08is knowing that you'll always have a place with each other.
09:11Fights can totally happen,
09:12but they don't have to spell the end of the relationship
09:15or become a catastrophic event
09:16in the way they can sometimes feel in insecure relationship structures.
09:20Chosen families know that no one is perfect,
09:22and so are open to working together on overcoming any obstacle.
09:26You know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own?
09:32Well, you're not ready for that.
09:34I didn't think I was.
09:35It can take a long time to find and build up a found family.
09:39While you're born into your biological family,
09:41finding your true one can sometimes take a lot of work.
09:44Keep your head up.
09:45All right.
09:47You can do this.
09:49Yeah, I was gonna tell you the same thing.
09:50Whether we have wonderful families
09:52and just enjoy building a strong community outside of that structure as well,
09:55or the families we go out and create for ourselves
09:58are the most important things in our lives,
10:00found families serve an incredibly important purpose for all of us.
10:04Even if it takes us a while to find each other,
10:06it's worth the journey in the end.
10:08The square root of love is love.
10:10The root of Christian...
10:12That's the take.
10:13Click here to watch the video we think you'll love,
10:16or here to check out a whole playlist of awesome content.
10:19Don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications.
Comments