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Taskmaster - S18E03 - The Gangsters of the Sea [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:16I
00:16Know you
00:30I
00:36Welcome to taskmaster the olympics for funny people and like elite athletes
00:41Archimedes have been in training for this their whole careers and similarly one slip-up could see them never compete
00:48again
00:48Lose their homes and end up singing sweet Caroline in a high street having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:54they stole from a garden center
00:56The stakes are high and the rewards are low
01:01Let's meet them now, please welcome Andy's
01:05Goldsmith
01:21Next to me a man who secretly confided in me that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:29Challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:44Okay, let's begin yes, and what a way to begin because the prize category this week is the object with
01:51the most soul
01:54Okay, I
01:55Know oh indeed as a guy in a band I get a lot of people stopping me and saying you
02:00are
02:01soul
02:02But it's not about me. It's about Greg
02:05Giving maximum points to the object with the most soul all right, Rosie. Should we start with you?
02:10No
02:13It was rhetorical
02:15It's we are starting with you
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful is a saxophone
02:28Yes, it is
02:30Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No
02:36Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes
02:44Yeah
02:45No
02:45No
02:46No
02:50That is going to score badly
02:56What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:01None
03:01If you can give me one, then I'm Mike Scissor, not putting you at the bottom.
03:06Er, oh, right, there is my Simpsons.
03:15Oh, that's it.
03:17That's it.
03:20Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:23I've brought in a Furby.
03:25Oh.
03:26Someone's back in the day.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbies would get up to,
03:37but basically they're kind of...
03:40..and they start off like that.
03:42Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you,
03:45and eventually they're able to say, I love you.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51Also, it opens it with a little tongue, you're like, la-la-la.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:55And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
03:58Oh, la-la-la, soul.
04:00If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it,
04:04and that's soul.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06I like a Furby as much as the next person.
04:09OK.
04:10But you think that a plastic fur-based toy
04:13going, dip-dap-dap-dap-dap-dap.
04:15It's sold.
04:16I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.
04:19I just know it to be my truth.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25That is good.
04:26She is good.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:27Jack. Yeah.
04:28What have you brought in?
04:30I brought James Brown in.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:32Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:35but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:38which is all singing, all dancing.
04:40Um...
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing.
04:44So if I did it without the tune...
04:46Oh!
04:46I feel good.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:51So...
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:55All right.
04:56Oh, I feel wood.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:58There you go.
05:00Are you ready to see The Godfather of Soul?
05:02I am.
05:03Here he is.
05:04Here we go.
05:05He goes,
05:06Ooh, I feel wood.
05:08Ooh, I feel wood.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13APPLAUSE
05:17Jesus Christ.
05:19This is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:22Andy. Yes.
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:24I brought a shoe.
05:25Ready to see it?
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29Obviously, a shoe has a sole,
05:30but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36There's a...
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:40It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:42the likes of James Brown,
05:44Aretha Franklin, Bananarama...
05:46We'll imagine.
05:47We'll imagine it.
05:48Yeah.
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain, or...
05:52soul, er...
05:53..as it's also named...
05:54I'm sorry, did...
05:55I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57Also, harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:01I also fixed into the shoes the sole of your late great-great-great-uncle Brian.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:10Do you know what, Andy?
06:11Yeah.
06:11I mean, it says something, it's the best yet.
06:13Right.
06:14Who's next?
06:15I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:19You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:21What they do, once they build it,
06:23they put it in the streets of Lagos, or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:27and what it does, they believe it absorbs the language of the people
06:31as they're in the streets talking.
06:33So, when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So, I tried this out, tried it out, I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44That's the capital of soul.
06:46Yeah.
06:47I put it outside, I hit it, and it literally said,
06:50you prick.
06:51And so...
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now.
06:58The Nigerian talking drum people.
06:59Thank you very much.
07:00Good speech.
07:02APPLAUSE
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:08Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10What is the least soulful thing?
07:12What do you think?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:13I think...the saxophone.
07:15Yeah, of course.
07:16One point.
07:17OK, I'll give Emma two points.
07:20For daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:23Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:26But then he had him behead himself on television.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:29So he could only have three points.
07:32Got it.
07:33Andy made an effort.
07:34Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:37Soul, we know that.
07:38Sure, he's dressed as a wizard.
07:40For no reason.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42And he gets four points.
07:43And the only person who actually brought anything of any consequence in is Baba,
07:47so he gets five.
07:48These are my judgements.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:54OK, task time.
07:55Shall we begin, Alex?
07:56Yes, Greg.
07:57Commence...
07:59Countdown!
08:01MUSIC PLAYS
08:16Oh, hey.
08:18Baba!
08:20Emma!
08:20You all right?
08:22This brings back some memories.
08:24Good ones?
08:25Done.
08:28Terrifying!
08:29Is that being operated manually, or is it a machine?
08:34It shouldn't be happening, actually.
08:35It's a warning system.
08:36Oh, right, OK.
08:37It's a warning system.
08:38Yeah.
08:39OK.
08:39Not yet.
08:40OK.
08:40No, sorry.
08:44Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
09:04Oh, two.
09:05Oh, two.
09:05It was meant to fire off.
09:06Oh.
09:07Unlucky, bro.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:13Your time starts now.
09:15That's not a rocket.
09:16I'm so sorry.
09:17That's just a tube.
09:19Your time starts now.
09:21That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:22That's just a tube.
09:24I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:31There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:35What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:37OK.
09:42Double star.
09:43Dot.
09:45Oh, I'll just ignore that.
09:46The font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:48No.
09:48None of those bits are rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:51Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where.
09:56Is.
09:57The.
09:57Rocket.
09:59Yes.
10:00No, no.
10:02Where?
10:05APPLAUSE
10:10Baba, I might be suggesting here that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:20Oh, yeah.
10:21Sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:25Listen, Greg, we still, we've got to go outside after this, bro.
10:29Like, you know what I mean?
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me?
10:36I've got to say, it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight in all these
10:40series.
10:40And I've got to tell you, Baba, it was exhilarating.
10:48OK, let's crack on.
10:49First to wreck you for rockets, it is Baba.
10:53Is there a rocket here?
10:54That's the question.
10:55Ooh!
10:57Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:59I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not gonna do this.
11:05We're not gonna do this.
11:06Right.
11:18Let's go on.
11:19Look.
11:19One rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket.
11:22That's like a telescope thing you would do.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Oh!
11:26Oh!
11:27Oh!
11:27Oh!
11:28Oh!
11:29Oh!
11:29That's half a rocket.
11:30What onto something?
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:37What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:44Blah!
11:46That was the rocket?
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:53Let's say killer world, because that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is,
12:07he found it quickly,
12:09and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, but...
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen us...
12:19I've learnt that now, and now I believe
12:21there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25Good.
12:25Who is next?
12:26Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments.
12:30Zolts and pep...
12:30Zolts and Emma.
12:31Zolts and Peppers.
12:32Zolts and Emma.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35It looks like a rocket.
12:37That's not a rocket.
12:37No, well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:39It's a potential rocket.
12:40Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:42I don't see why.
12:43Why can that not be a rocket?
12:44It hasn't got fins.
12:46I'm just thinking...
12:48Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:50Can I make fins out of that?
12:53Right, that's better.
12:54Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:56I've made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:58Right, OK.
13:03Oh, shit.
13:07Right.
13:08Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:09Yeah.
13:10In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:13If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket,
13:17unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:19If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:21you must now put two rockets in your pockets.
13:25Are you a rocket scientist?
13:26No, I'm not.
13:26Right.
13:28I did languages.
13:30Took two rockets.
13:31Yes, please.
13:31Am I allowed out of the room?
13:32Absolutely.
13:33Oh, right, OK.
13:34Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:37Two rockets in your pockets.
13:39One like that?
13:40No, that's not a rocket.
13:41That's a can of Coke with a sweet in.
13:43Fuck's sake.
13:44Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:45I meant to give you this.
13:48If you swear at any point,
13:49after drawing, making or writing your own rocket,
13:51you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09OK.
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You're saying that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, well, there is a rocket there.
14:14Well, there you go.
14:16You found a rocket?
14:16I found one.
14:17I need another rocket.
14:21Nope.
14:22Nope, nope, nope.
14:23We're going back inside.
14:25Is there anything in the sharks?
14:26Not a shark.
14:27There's a rocket in there.
14:30Walker?
14:33I've stopped the clock.
14:34Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:40No.
14:42Well, if you want.
14:44I don't know what you mean.
14:46Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:54Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.
14:56OK, now I'm on board with it.
14:58All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God!
15:03There's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up!
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:20Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:25Me?
15:26Yeah.
15:26Oh, sorry.
15:27Well, I'm at it.
15:28I also found it really irritating when you opened the plug
15:30and there was a rocket inside and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly that a yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Repeatedly.
15:42You know, what...
15:43If you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:50Become a rocket.
15:51Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:55Yes.
15:59Er...
15:59Emma?
16:00Yeah?
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:08How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision and also it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Bubba took 5 minutes 52.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:27Wow.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32It never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished!
16:36Let it go!
16:36Make a life with part two!
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:40We'll see you in a bit.
16:46APPLAUSE
16:50Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:54Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket and put it in their pocket
17:02as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:07Can I go extra boring?
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it will be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?
17:17That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hmm.
17:19I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:22OK.
17:23OK.
17:24Is it rocket salad?
17:36That's what I was looking for.
17:38It stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've stopped the clock.
17:46You've got rocket in your pocket.
17:48I enjoyed that.
17:50Well done, me!
17:54APPLAUSE
17:56Well done.
17:57Great moment.
18:00Two grown adults.
18:01Genuinely thrilled that they put salad in their pockets.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05Oh, come on.
18:06You should try it sometime.
18:07It's good.
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:14Rosie.
18:15That well done me was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah.
18:20Honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26The wizard has a point.
18:27Just, um...
18:29What was the wording of the task?
18:31It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:35It's like a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, didn't it?
18:38A rocket.
18:39Do you want me to take Rosie...
18:41Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:45Just look at Rosie...
18:46Look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are a prick today.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57That's...
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00That's...
19:00That's...
19:00I'm not...
19:01I'm not some pricks.
19:03I'm A prick.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:08APPLAUSE
19:09APPLAUSE
19:13Do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of this?
19:17Yeah, yeah, it is.
19:18You haven't yet said that.
19:20Alright, let's get to that first.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:22Well, I can tell you Rosie put Rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:27Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32Jack pocketed Rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow!
19:36APPLAUSE
19:38No, no, no, no, no!
19:39That was my boy!
19:41Yeah, it is.
19:42Everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:46I've got news for you.
19:47I am going to allow Rocket.
19:48And I want you to know this,
19:51I may not have allowed Rocket
19:53if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:58Rocket stunts.
19:59In that case, it's one point to Emma,
20:01two to Andy, three to Bubba,
20:02four to Rosie but five to Mr Jack Dean.
20:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:09Is it scoreboard time?
20:11It is Bubba with your speedy Rocket.
20:13You are in joint first place with Jack Dean on eight points.
20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:22Please, we have another task.
20:24Oh, yes.
20:25Now, for some physical art.
20:28BELL RINGS
20:38Yo!
20:40What's going on?
20:41Hello, Bubba.
20:41Man-like?
20:42You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You've been at sea.
20:47No, it's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submarine.
20:55Do I?
20:57You do.
21:01We create a famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:12Most creative recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:19I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:23Your time starts now.
21:26Right.
21:27Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:31You understand it?
21:32Of course I understand it.
21:33What's the matter with you?
21:34You think I'm sick?
21:35You kept saying recreation.
21:37I said recreation instead of recreation.
21:38But, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:45Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:56Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy?
22:01It's really noisy.
22:03I hate bloody flowers.
22:05Don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:10It needs to go far corner.
22:12Far back as it goes, I think.
22:18Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:23Yeah, I'm all right.
22:25Er...
22:25Shall I shit here?
22:28Just to see who's Dutch, you see.
22:30Oh, I should see.
22:31OK.
22:32So, the Andy Warhol ones, did he do baked beans and soup?
22:41Soup?
22:42Baked beans is a lump of soup.
22:51Does this look like a human mother?
22:55I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58Let me look like a thug.
22:59No gang affiliation over here, bruv.
23:02Apart from the church.
23:03I go to church, I gang bang for Jesus.
23:05You get me?
23:06OK.
23:08I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:15Yeah.
23:15Did you do that?
23:16Yeah.
23:17Wow.
23:18Yeah, did that.
23:19I'm slipping in.
23:21Oh!
23:22Whoa!
23:23That feels gross!
23:26APPLAUSE
23:33Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:38LAUGHTER
23:41It's literally like the man came back to life.
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance in your life with flowers?
23:49Why?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:51I quote,
23:52I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56You know what it is?
23:57I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:00Cos when I'm walking on the street, people will be like,
24:02Oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:03It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse.
24:05You know what I'm saying?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:06How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:09Uh-oh.
24:09Uh-oh.
24:12Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:20Um, Emma.
24:21I'm already quite impressed, cos I already know what your painting is.
24:24Really?
24:25It's clipped, right?
24:26Yeah.
24:26Mm-hm.
24:27Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of the well-known painting.
24:31Let's see it in all its glory. Here we go.
24:33MUSIC PLAYS
24:43Ah, that's good.
24:44Ah, that's good.
24:45Well done.
24:46That was quite a good one.
24:49Wow.
24:51I mean, so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,
24:55Oh, that's good.
24:55Yeah.
24:56It was good.
24:57The original sparked a sexual revolution.
24:59Do you think hers will?
25:01Ah.
25:02I can't feel anything.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06Really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another?
25:09Yes.
25:09Well, as you might have worked out, Andy Zaltzman took on the almighty
25:12Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:14Wow.
25:15So, first of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful
25:21anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money during
25:24the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:25And here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:44I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address,
25:54the pity of war is right up there.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:01LAUGHTER
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:05You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it.
26:17We've got his face in the room.
26:19Yep, it's Vincent Jack Goff.
26:20Here we go.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26LAUGHTER
26:37Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted than Vincent van Gogh?
26:45LAUGHTER
26:47Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Another one.
26:53Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break and probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun.
27:01Cost of living crisis?
27:03Yeah.
27:04More like Costa del Sol living la vida loca crisis.
27:07Let's whack it over to the credit cards.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me YOLO!
27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Hello again.
27:25Here we are.
27:27It's part three and some classic artworks are being brought to life
27:30in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cool.
27:33Yeah, I love 3D.
27:34But I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38Next up, there's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:42Blumer!
27:45Andy Warhol.
27:47Plum.
27:49Campbell suits.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:55APPLAUSE
28:05I get it.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09It's really good.
28:10Yeah, it's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:12Do you like it?
28:14Not that much.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:17One left, Greg.
28:18Yes, one left.
28:19And this man doesn't go to art galleries.
28:21He hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:24BUMP
28:25BUMP
28:26BUMP
28:27BUMP
28:28BUMP
28:29BUMP
28:29BUMP
28:30BUMP
28:30It is good.
28:33APPLAUSE
28:43Oh, sorry.
28:44Sorry about that.
28:45You like that, Greg?
28:50Well, yes.
28:51Yes.
28:51Of course I do.
28:52Yes, you do.
28:53You see the angle?
28:54You know what I'm saying?
28:54This is what I'm trying to say.
28:55I keep telling people I'm amazing.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:01Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D picks.
29:05Well, I'm going to have to give everyone a really high score,
29:07aren't I?
29:07And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:10So I'll give everyone five points.
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18OK.
29:19What's next, please, little Alex Hall?
29:21OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub.
29:23Ooh.
29:36In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:43Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Do you want to...? Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:56Good.
29:58Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating, you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:20Oh, my God.
30:23Hiya.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys.
30:26Are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:31I'll come and get your team name soon.
30:32Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40Yeah.
30:40There's your answer sheet.
30:41You all right?
30:42D.
30:43OK.
30:43Here's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK.
30:46Enjoy.
30:47Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck.
30:48Enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:53I got that pub.
30:55What do you think?
30:57And take a piece of beer.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:05Oh, come on, you.
31:07Keep, keep.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's up?
31:11One of you look after you.
31:12It's a little book of...
31:12That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:15Yeah.
31:16Save that now.
31:18872.
31:19Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please?
31:23GK Peaky People.
31:25We're Team Honesty.
31:26Team Honesty.
31:27That's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but like they're animals.
31:33Cheetahs?
31:33Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35T-H-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:40Cheetahs.
31:41OK, right.
31:42I'm just going to get my microphone and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:44Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hmm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:52Mm-hmm.
31:52I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss and cheat.
31:54Right.
31:55Like a handshake or anything?
31:56I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:58Check that.
32:04I can remember what's in there.
32:06OK.
32:07All right, I remember.
32:09Um, what's in your right hand?
32:11Nothing.
32:13You need to form the floor there.
32:15I will put the books in my area.
32:17Can I have the guide to the Beavers, please?
32:19And also AirPods out.
32:20You're so strict.
32:22Yes.
32:23Sorry about that, bro.
32:25Excuse me.
32:27Hello?
32:28Pretty much back to square one.
32:29Hello?
32:30Everyone here?
32:36Are you pub quizzers before we start?
32:38No.
32:39It's a waste of pub time.
32:42Every Monday.
32:43Thank you, Emma.
32:44Do you really, Emma?
32:45Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Q, what's your tinkle?
32:48Um, no arguments.
32:52Because we have a problem with arguing.
32:54So one day we realise, oh, if we called no arguments,
32:57maybe we'll stop.
32:59Oh.
32:59Quite...
32:59So now we just argue on the way home.
33:02It's me and my husband.
33:06All right, then.
33:06You want to see the quiz?
33:07I want to see the quiz.
33:08OK, pens down, heads up or something.
33:11It's time to quiz!
33:13Welcome to the ship.
33:14Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:16OK, question one.
33:17What is the largest species of rodent?
33:20What is the largest species of rodent?
33:23Not that.
33:24It's got a mouse.
33:26In what year was Mary Queen of Scots executed by her cousin?
33:30Elizabeth first, of course.
33:33In what year...
33:34I'm just going to faint choking.
33:36I got cramp.
33:39Oh!
33:39Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:41Oh, my God!
33:43Yeah.
33:44Oh, man.
33:46It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.
33:48Oh, yes.
33:49Right.
33:49She just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:57There's a hat there, though.
34:00Me!
34:02Me!
34:03Me!
34:04Me!
34:04Yeah.
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07Right.
34:07We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14It's 500.
34:15Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yeah.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:24Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...
34:28Come down and help, mate!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:31You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:33Basically...
34:33Yeah.
34:33I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:40OK, yeah, please.
34:42Right.
34:45OK.
34:46Phone's away, please.
34:47Oh, Charlie.
34:48It was my morton.
34:51I see what you're doing there.
34:52Round two.
34:54Sport!
34:55If I potted a red, then a black, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a pink,
35:03then a red, then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown, then a
35:06red, then a green, then all the colours, what would my break be worth?
35:09Yeah.
35:09I'll be honest with you, I think this is when we do a quick, erm, romantic cheat.
35:15So, can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:19Let's never speak of it again.
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:28Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket!
35:30Now!
35:31A big bucket.
35:33Yeah.
35:35Cool, Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:38Sorry I can't take your call.
35:39Come on, Sue!
35:40What?
35:41Hockey.
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:43Hockey.
35:44Hockey.
35:45Hockey.
35:46Hockey.
35:47Hockey.
35:48Hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53Okay.
35:53Hi, yeah!
35:54The answers.
35:55Have you all swapped sheets?
35:56Er, no, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up.
35:58Quick as you can, please.
36:00Let's swap with them.
36:02As long as you don't have your own.
36:04As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course, please sit down.
36:11Kapubara, 1587.
36:12356 points, that would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is, football.
36:19It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got a hand before we give her a call in the break.
36:32Give her a call.
36:32I'm sorry, I don't want to be afraid about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:34Give her a call now.
36:36Yeah, please, let's call her now.
36:37One speaker, let's hear it.
36:38Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry, I can't take your call, but I'm at the underwater hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, because I actually really love football.
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just caught up the scores?
36:56The sporty foodie flag, guys.
36:59Yep.
36:59Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then three in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:08Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two.
37:12Well, we got three.
37:13We thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is.
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21Well done, guys.
37:22All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:26APPLAUSE
37:31I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:34I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:43I never trained, darling.
37:45I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show much.
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he?
37:51He wasn't overacting.
37:53Yes.
37:53But there's more to come, right?
37:55We're only halfway through.
37:56They've both pretty much neck and neck.
37:57I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
37:59That's the end of part three.
38:00Come back for part four and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:04It'll be like watching your kid in a school play.
38:07Except shorter and fun, and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:10by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:13Just me?
38:15APPLAUSE
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:33where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old eagle-eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:40Here's how they get on.
38:43Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one.
38:45What is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a bore, bro.
38:59Come on, ma'am.
39:00Question three.
39:01Please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:03A delivery?
39:05Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07Yeah.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11You're right.
39:16I don't think anyone saw that.
39:18Oh!
39:20Oh!
39:22Oh, God!
39:24There's no one there.
39:25What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33What?
39:39What?
39:40What?
39:41What are you going on?
39:42We are...
39:46Yo!
39:47Yo!
39:48Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:49Yo!
39:55Yo!
40:02Yo!
40:04Yo!
40:05The answers.
40:06And please swap papers.
40:08Round three.
40:09Picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding?
40:10What was redacted there?
40:13A colander!
40:15How did you know that?
40:16It might be a colander!
40:18It's just the expression.
40:19A colander!
40:20And it was a colander?
40:21Yeah.
40:21I love quizzes.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Woo!
40:29Please get out.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Cheers, guys.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:41Andy, Emma and Bubba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46But we subtract points from the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times,
40:54which means the team of three win the quiz!
40:56Wow!
40:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go.
41:07So four is the team of two, five is the team of three!
41:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:14We can have a first look at the series scores if you want, Greg.
41:18Ooh, yes, please.
41:19Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:20We've got Andy on 37.
41:22Bubba on 40.
41:23Emma on 42.
41:24Then we jump to Rosie on 46.
41:26Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:28Woo!
41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:31OK, it's that time again.
41:34Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:46What is going on?
41:49We've found their doppelgangers!
41:52LAUGHTER
41:55It's uncanny!
41:57Can you just read the task, Alex?
41:59I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:01Oh, Jack, would you read it?
42:02Yeah, OK.
42:03LAUGHTER
42:04Russell Russell, Phil Phil, Mark Mark, Rob Rob and Pat Pat.
42:09When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you or
42:15perform one action.
42:17The people may only say yes or no.
42:20If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:23You will then meet a new person.
42:25First person to perform all the right actions to all the right people wins.
42:30Yes, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark, Pat, Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark, you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:38If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:40If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:42You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:46If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:50If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:53you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil Phil or mark Mark or Rob Rob or Russell Russell,
43:00you will get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:14Let's go.
43:15Rob.
43:16No.
43:16Phil.
43:17No.
43:19Mark.
43:19No.
43:20Pat.
43:21No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24Phil.
43:25No.
43:26Roll.
43:26Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31Mark.
43:32Yes.
43:32Pat.
43:33Yes.
43:35Not yet!
43:36Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are they named again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them.
43:54It's Mark, Pack, Russell, Robin, Phil.
44:00Move!
44:01Move!
44:07There has been a successful action.
44:09Move!
44:13Yes.
44:15Move!
44:20Move!
44:20We have a disqualification.
44:21Bubba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair.
44:24He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Bubba.
44:25At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30Okay.
44:30Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:41Okay.
44:41We've got some more action.
44:42This is good.
44:43Move.
44:48We have more action.
44:50Move, please.
44:50Move.
44:53We have action.
44:54Move, please.
44:55Move, please.
44:55Move, there.
44:55The sticker.
44:56Please move.
45:00WHISTLE BLOWS
45:02We have a disqualification.
45:03Jack D is gone!
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Right.
45:07You're going to kill me!
45:13Russell!
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:17Yes!
45:19Go!
45:20OK.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The wizard has one sticker.
45:26Rosie has two stickers she's playing you Emma she knows exactly what she's doing
45:35here we go we have more action here the wizard has three stickers
45:59it could be approaching the endgame
46:10the final score come down and join me
46:20what rush
46:22hmm all right well as you saw there was only five points to one person there and that person was
46:27mr. Andy Zaltzman
46:28the wizard had his revenge
46:31it means the final table today looks like this he's only gone undone it the winner with 21 points is
46:40Andy Zaltzman
46:40Andy Zaltzman wins please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes
46:49thank you
46:51thank you
47:04applause
47:05music
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