- 10 minutes ago
The Grand-ish Tour Season 1 Episode 3
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:15Hello everyone, welcome to the boat.
00:00:20Thank you for the support.
00:00:28We are going to work on the boat.
00:00:29We have to work on the boat.
00:00:39hello and welcome to the third and i think final uh best of compilation uh grand tour shows
00:00:48and i'd like to kick off this time if i may by talking about racetracks
00:00:51specifically which is the best we ever went to virginia virginia international race
00:00:59that was a good one but that's got that hill where you don't where you go up the hill you
00:01:02don't know
00:01:03for sure that the track is still there that's true so you're coming back down and it's also got that
00:01:07oak tree in the middle of it i'm gonna have to say the best i ever went to imola difficult
00:01:13i've been
00:01:14to imola yes pretty sure i've been to most of them but i okay i can't remember right let me
00:01:20just see
00:01:21if i can jog your memory for me virginia international raceway you crashed to porsche okay imola you
00:01:28crashed to mclaren silverstone you crashed a bmw i think it was mijello you crashed a jaguar f-type
00:01:41the one in poland you crashed a formula easter car i am genuinely trying to think of a racetrack we
00:01:49filmed that that no you didn't crash in portugal in the porsche 90 no holy trinity you didn't crash but
00:01:56i know i can think of another racetrack that we all definitely like and that i'm pretty sure he
00:02:00hasn't crashed at lidden hill wait i do remember lidden hill that's yes that's with a little off-road
00:02:07rallycross that i do remember and it's brilliant it is the absolute yes there we go we all like lidden
00:02:13hill
00:02:23yes we all know that when it comes to hot hatches the french are the kings but which one is
00:02:30the best
00:02:30well that's what we're here to find out using the crucible of motorsport
00:02:55right just to be absolutely clear all the cars here are excellent because they're all french hot
00:03:01hatchbacks but mine is the best it's got no abs it's got no traction control and i've spun
00:03:167 000 rpm 167 horsepowers unleashed
00:03:25richard hammond will now be moaning about a lack of horsepower now i am down on power i only have
00:03:33104 brake horsepower oh port has completely killed me that was a very french move from the scriptwriter there
00:03:54oh it's a french woman i also point out that margaret's never really done this before so she is a
00:04:01natural french lunatic although she did make a slight error there and i'll hammer no madame
00:04:16as hammond and may battled with the office staff abby and i were up front fighting for the lead
00:04:26determined face
00:04:29the speed
00:04:32you may be a racing driver but i've got 40 more horsepower than you
00:04:53and i think my dash appears to be coming off but i'd say that wasn't necessary
00:05:01french cars tend to shed the stuff you can lose bumpers electric windows all that sort of stuff what
00:05:09you're left with you're left with is actually an incredibly tough drivetrain engine
00:05:15whoa
00:05:16oh
00:05:26right this is my job
00:05:32oh not my chance
00:05:34huh
00:05:35yep she gave me the finger she's definitely a french woman that's the real deal there
00:05:44oh
00:05:48god this thing's so good
00:05:54oh
00:05:54she's cocked it up
00:06:14as we entered the closing laps i finally overtook james's much more powerful reno
00:06:23stealing the line from james then come on little bug but then
00:06:32oh i've died what's happened here
00:06:39oh dear it's gone on strike
00:06:48as the race entered the final two laps james was still being humiliated by the
00:06:54brilliantly entertaining french novice
00:06:58and i was still fighting abby for the win
00:07:16damn it
00:07:33yes the mighty peugeot is in the lead
00:07:40come on come on come on come on come on
00:07:46no
00:07:47no
00:07:56arg
00:08:04richard hammond begin in three
00:08:06two
00:08:07one
00:08:11here we go
00:08:14now come on heaven to concentrate
00:08:19oh
00:08:20that was beautiful lift off oversteer
00:08:28little bit of a break and then
00:08:33that's too fast there
00:08:36i just had a wee
00:08:38right let's predict what he's saying in there
00:08:43he'll say the traction control won't be turned off properly
00:08:46problem is you can't turn the traction control off completely
00:08:51now this one
00:08:53oh shit
00:08:57this is the really fast bit
00:09:01come on baby come on that's it give me power
00:09:07i'm gonna be miles faster than him
00:09:09well you haven't even done any practice i know it's honestly not that simple
00:09:12yes it is
00:09:17come on
00:09:20giving it all she can that's it there you go
00:09:23little burst and across the line
00:09:25you
00:09:27five minutes fifty six dead
00:09:30not good
00:09:31i don't know
00:09:33five fifty six
00:09:34dead
00:09:35yes
00:09:35oh no
00:09:37did you see me at that last bit
00:09:38well the traction control just wouldn't let me put the power down there at all
00:09:41it's stopped
00:09:42did you see me stop there
00:09:46why have you got to stop what
00:09:47it's timing
00:09:48no no no no no no
00:09:49look
00:09:50what date is it april the
00:09:51oh yeah yeah okay
00:09:53april the 26th
00:09:54no better idea
00:09:55why don't we just chalk marks on the roof for every day
00:09:58every time the sun comes up
00:09:59hmm okay another mark
00:10:00right
00:10:01james may
00:10:02you may begin in three
00:10:04two
00:10:05one
00:10:06now
00:10:08and may is off for great britain and germany
00:10:11in the bentley
00:10:12he doesn't like heights
00:10:14no he doesn't like heights
00:10:15he doesn't like speed
00:10:16or slippery stuff
00:10:17so
00:10:19everything he hates
00:10:22despite the hostile environment
00:10:24i was determined to dig deep for the honour of the bentley badge
00:10:31slidey slidey slidey
00:10:35yes tarmac
00:10:40did it did you hear that that was tire squeal from james may
00:10:47you
00:10:47knock it down a cob
00:10:49oh my god
00:10:52blimey
00:10:54look at this
00:11:05oh
00:11:05he got air he got air
00:11:07yeah i think he's been committed
00:11:10jeremy what if he beats me
00:11:12what if he beats me
00:11:13yeah
00:11:14you'll die of shame and i'll die laughing
00:11:16yeah okay
00:11:18try as he might though the old lady was losing time in the corners
00:11:25oh
00:11:26oh that's not good
00:11:27oh no i overdid it
00:11:36six minutes
00:11:36sixteen
00:11:37so he was sixteen eighteen seconds slower than you and his car is two hundred and twelve thousand pounds
00:11:44say some more of that stuff write it down
00:11:47finally it was the turn of the best car here
00:11:51three
00:11:52two
00:11:53one
00:11:54begin
00:11:57he hasn't
00:11:58done a single practice lap
00:12:01i mean not one
00:12:03traction control off
00:12:05that's better
00:12:07and watch this
00:12:11flick it in
00:12:12nicely done
00:12:13flick it back the other way
00:12:16while he's driving what do we think he's being?
00:12:18modest?
00:12:19self-effacing?
00:12:20quiet?
00:12:21i was gonna say he probably isn't saying anything
00:12:22he's probably concentrating
00:12:24yes
00:12:27oh god i'm good at everything
00:12:30however
00:12:30in order to win this contest i had no intention
00:12:33of relying only on my supreme skills
00:12:38you see the thing is the jaguar and the bentley
00:12:41were designed as road cars
00:12:43and then given
00:12:44some off-road
00:12:45ability
00:12:46whereas the range rover
00:12:48was designed as an off-road car
00:12:50and then given some ability to work on the road
00:12:53it's only a subtle difference
00:12:55but it means i don't have to follow the beaten track
00:13:00i can take shortcuts
00:13:08such a clever car it really is
00:13:13this car senses what sort of terrain it's driving over
00:13:17and then engages or disengages the differentials accordingly
00:13:23you could not come up here in the bentley or the jaguar
00:13:30it's quiet i can't hear it
00:13:33a range rover can wade through water nearly a metre deep
00:13:39look at that
00:13:40look at it
00:13:41what a machine you are
00:13:44and then we just popped back up the hill
00:13:48power
00:13:49power now
00:13:50oh
00:13:51there he is
00:13:52hey
00:13:53no hang on a minute
00:13:54no he is he's there look
00:13:55no but
00:13:55what
00:13:58and across the line
00:14:02he's almost two minutes quicker than you were
00:14:05that's not possible
00:14:10how did you do that
00:14:11what
00:14:12that
00:14:13a your car's all wet
00:14:14which you shouldn't be
00:14:15and you're almost two minutes faster than Hammond
00:14:17yes but you see the thing is
00:14:19you can buy a cheap car
00:14:21like a jaguar
00:14:22or you can buy an expensive car
00:14:24like a bent
00:14:34here it is
00:14:36aerodrome
00:14:40gonna have their lunch
00:14:42their drinks
00:14:43and then stretch out across their seats
00:14:47however
00:14:47mr wilman's plane
00:14:49was not
00:14:50what i was expecting
00:14:58that is
00:15:00jesus
00:15:00and clearly
00:15:02it was already taxiing
00:15:04oh shit
00:15:06no look the ramp
00:15:07the ramp's down
00:15:10the ramp's down
00:15:12the ramp is down
00:15:26a lot of jet wash
00:15:28lots of jet wash
00:15:34i'm on
00:15:36what
00:15:37i'm off again
00:15:39going for second
00:15:44i'm on
00:15:45i'm on
00:15:46back wheels
00:15:48jesus
00:15:56jeez
00:16:00holy shit
00:16:01are you kidding
00:16:11come on car
00:16:13yes yes yes yes yes yes
00:16:19god
00:16:21ah
00:16:23getting away
00:16:28coming through
00:16:31you
00:16:32ha ha
00:16:32you bastard
00:16:38oh that was a bit late
00:16:44i've got to do it this time
00:16:47no ring screen wipers for god's sake
00:16:51here he comes
00:16:52here he comes
00:16:57i can't do it
00:16:59shoot me
00:17:00shoot me
00:17:01shoot me alan
00:17:02come on
00:17:04here i come
00:17:10yeah
00:17:11yeah
00:17:14james
00:17:17it won't start
00:17:20come on in james
00:17:22james
00:17:22james
00:17:43it's a good job this runway
00:17:47it's 26 miles from
00:17:48i'm very pleased about that
00:17:50it's even longer than that one in fast but furious
00:17:52much longer than that one in fast but furious
00:17:53come on
00:17:58buffeting
00:17:58buffeting
00:18:01start
00:18:03yes yes yes
00:18:04oh my lord
00:18:07whoa
00:18:08james bay caught the plane
00:18:10welcome aboard
00:18:11we did it
00:18:13holy shit
00:18:14we all did it
00:18:15we did a thing
00:18:16that was extraordinary
00:18:23uh
00:18:30oh god i know what
00:18:32we've just driven onto an aeroplane that just landed
00:18:41i've got a text
00:18:42what
00:18:43it's from mr wilman
00:18:44mm-hmm
00:18:45it says do you want coffees i'm at the b.a. check-in
00:18:50all right
00:18:51all right
00:18:51it's in there isn't it
00:18:52there
00:19:06right we found three other people who are equally disillusioned with their rvs and the rules are very simple the
00:19:13last one still running is the winner
00:19:16once we climbed aboard our rigs modified rvs we were ready for the off
00:19:22this is a stupid idea i disapprove it's needlessly destructive and i really like my little truck
00:19:29here's my start line strategy light goes green hard right hit james i want him to be a bonnet emblem
00:19:37by the time i get to the first corner
00:19:40he doesn't realize that the windows fallen out of his rv and i can hear everything he's saying
00:20:01let's get this over with shall we
00:20:05that's one done
00:20:07that's one done
00:20:13closing up on the lavatory
00:20:16here it goes
00:20:18oh you hit me hard there
00:20:23totally right
00:20:24totally right
00:20:25oh
00:20:26ho ho ho
00:20:27oh
00:20:34i have got the toughest vehicle here
00:20:37i'm sure of that
00:20:41have a little go jeremy
00:20:44oh
00:20:44oh
00:20:45oh
00:20:45oh my lights have come off
00:20:47oh
00:20:48the door was shut on me really badly
00:20:51i can't see over my bonnet
00:20:54ha ha ha
00:20:58man's bonnet is completely off
00:21:02however
00:21:02however
00:21:03the mad max makeover made his truck even more of a lethal weapon
00:21:07in we go
00:21:08ha ha ha
00:21:13whoa that's brutal
00:21:15oh my door
00:21:17oh
00:21:24i've been hit
00:21:26but i've been hit again
00:21:29i'm in the sandwich of americans
00:21:35oh no i've been pushed
00:21:41we are being annihilated by the two remaining americans
00:21:50as the contest heated up
00:21:57i decided to pick on the biggest rv
00:22:00i decided to pick on the biggest rv
00:22:01you want demolition?
00:22:02have some
00:22:05ha ha
00:22:08oh
00:22:08oh
00:22:12following hit after brutal hit
00:22:17my opponent eventually conked out
00:22:21hit
00:22:21but the battle had left me badly wounded
00:22:25oh this is not going well for my little truck
00:22:28i think my engine might be suffering
00:22:30hit
00:22:31ah
00:22:33oh wall
00:22:37oh that's gone badly wrong for me
00:22:39i think i've lost my wheel now
00:22:40ho ho ho ho ho ho
00:22:41i'm in a bad way
00:22:42i've lost steering
00:22:44ha ha ha
00:22:46ah
00:22:47Hammond is history
00:22:51now only three of us remained
00:22:54come on
00:22:55hit james
00:22:57ramming speed
00:23:04whoa
00:23:08you bastard
00:23:09he's in the wall
00:23:11he's in the wall
00:23:13he's in the wall and coast
00:23:15whoa
00:23:21get him
00:23:22i'm taking him
00:23:28oh lord
00:23:31going in hard and hot
00:23:42yeah
00:23:43ha ha ha hey
00:23:46oh yes
00:23:47the mighty rv boat
00:23:50is victorious
00:23:5865 miles an hour to beat on one run
00:24:02we'll know how fast you've gone
00:24:03we'll know how fast you've gone
00:24:03because there's a speed readout over there
00:24:05which is connected to a speed trap
00:24:07don't you worry i'll blow the doors off the speed readout
00:24:09you just watch this car control
00:24:11you ready nigel
00:24:13up up
00:24:13ready
00:24:14three
00:24:15two
00:24:16one
00:24:17go
00:24:18he's underway
00:24:19he's underway
00:24:20so long lads
00:24:29Nigel
00:24:30get it right
00:24:31get it right
00:24:35oh
00:24:39even though the impact had knocked all of nigel's hair out
00:24:43he managed to regain control
00:24:48and he smashed james's speed record
00:24:54but sadly
00:24:56the hot rod was a write-off
00:25:01i haven't seen a car this badly damaged since james drove into a tunnel once
00:25:06well that is
00:25:07jeez
00:25:09that is
00:25:09yeah nigel
00:25:11you did 89.14 miles an hour
00:25:1425 miles an hour faster than i've ever been
00:25:16well done
00:25:17i don't care
00:25:17i am resigning
00:25:19i hate this gig
00:25:20it's uncomfy
00:25:21i mean look at there's no dignity in this is there
00:25:23oh mate
00:25:23he's only been working with us for about three days
00:25:26yeah he wasn't with us
00:25:27people are saying
00:25:28do you remember when mansell was with them
00:25:29yeah he didn't last long did he
00:25:30right we better apologise to the owners of the ski resources
00:25:34sorry
00:25:34sorry
00:25:35sorry
00:25:36sorry
00:25:36sorry
00:25:38who was that man
00:25:40that nigel mansell had a massive crash with when he tried british touring car racing
00:25:44it was huge
00:25:46er
00:25:46the coin tunnels
00:25:47no
00:25:48no it was steve
00:25:50was it steve barry
00:25:50michelle
00:25:51no michelle newman
00:25:52anyway
00:25:53there was a big crash
00:25:54i remember the crash
00:25:55just can't remember who he hit
00:25:56yeah anyway
00:25:57erm
00:25:58well i was going to say actually we didn't always cock about on grand tour did we
00:26:01sometimes we did practical real world tests and delivered vital consumer information
00:26:06we genuinely did let's not forget the time we went to canada to see how many dogs you could get
00:26:12into the back of an SUV
00:26:14and then there was the time we went to Scotland to see which old Italian car had the best road
00:26:22holding
00:26:22and then there was the airport and how best to deal with the misery of a 20 mile walk to
00:26:29your gate
00:26:29and remember Morocco when we had those sports cars
00:26:33and we didn't believe the weights that had been given by the manufacturers and we built our own scales
00:26:39yes
00:26:40yes
00:26:40consumer advice
00:26:58wow
00:26:58yeah
00:27:00even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight
00:27:04er
00:27:05are you going to get it on there
00:27:06it's a good jump
00:27:07oh yeah they're big jumpers
00:27:09look you see it wants to
00:27:10he's limbering up he's getting ready you can tell
00:27:11up you come
00:27:12it's not going to jump they can't jump
00:27:14up you come
00:27:17soon without any help at all i had fashioned a makeshift ramp
00:27:24very good well done that was quick and effective
00:27:28unfortunately the cow had wandered off so i had to draft in a substitute
00:27:34this is good we are getting there we are building up a big Christmas dinner
00:27:38and then the original cow came back
00:27:42come on
00:27:43doctor think little
00:27:44come on
00:27:45come on
00:27:46come on
00:27:47good cow
00:27:51tragically however
00:27:52it's not enough
00:27:54could you go and get another cow
00:27:56come on small cow
00:27:57he's on
00:27:59right excellent
00:28:00good good good good good
00:28:01jeremy yes
00:28:02this is
00:28:02oh my god
00:28:04this is i don't want to be here for this
00:28:06oh my god
00:28:06i'm on some scales
00:28:07it's carrots come out
00:28:08okay
00:28:09are they both boy cows
00:28:09yeah they're both boys
00:28:10yeah i've no this is quite bad
00:28:13i'm
00:28:14yeah i really i'm stuck on a porn set
00:28:18more importantly the whole cast of our porn film still weighed less than the mazda
00:28:25chickens
00:28:25hello chickies
00:28:27sorry enough is it
00:28:28no
00:28:29doesn't make sense
00:28:30jeremy
00:28:31this is complete nonsense
00:28:33cow sex
00:28:33no
00:28:35come on
00:28:36on we go
00:28:37on you go
00:28:38i'm not i'm not convinced that this isn't
00:28:40oh the goats escaped
00:28:41at this stage we explained to jeremy that animals cannot be used as counterweights
00:28:48right now you may have a point i think it's better if i kill them
00:28:52what
00:28:52well if they're dead they won't mind
00:28:56this plan made the job much easier
00:29:01oh hello my experiment has worked
00:29:05well we have a figure
00:29:06for the record it weighs two cows two legs of cows brackets rear one camel and three goats
00:29:12that's incredible
00:29:13it's the most exciting thing i've ever been involved in
00:29:17having established the weight of the mazda it was time to do the xenos
00:29:23right hammond reverse off down my superb ramp
00:29:28whoa i'm gonna work this way a bit then
00:29:30why is he doing that james counterbalances with your
00:29:32hang on that's not gone well
00:29:34no it's moved no it's good no it's
00:29:36oh
00:29:37oh this is now the back wheels have come off
00:29:40somebody get on the whole crew
00:29:43what's happened
00:29:45oh god
00:29:46no then there's no point doing that hammond
00:29:48we need to think this through
00:29:53hang on i've got an idea
00:29:55if you get off there this side will go up
00:29:57then you can put the ramp under the back wheels of the mazda
00:30:00when it comes down again
00:30:01so you all need to get off
00:30:03right i'm off
00:30:08hang on
00:30:08are you going up now
00:30:10i think so
00:30:11no we need more i know everybody has to go on there
00:30:13on that side yeah
00:30:13everybody all the crew
00:30:15all the chunkier lads
00:30:16if you get on that one
00:30:19how did we get into this position
00:30:20right somebody pull on the front just to tip it
00:30:22yeah and then we will move this ramp
00:30:25hello can i have all
00:30:27he's down now
00:30:28am i gonna die
00:30:30am i dead
00:30:31am i dead
00:30:37what i do is i take the rear wheels off let the tires down and put these plastic covers on
00:30:43then put the tires back up again put them back on that gives the car the loose back end you
00:30:47want to drift
00:30:48if these are just this is like putting insulating tape on the back wheels of your scale x street cars
00:30:54stand by
00:30:56right turn in
00:30:57right turn in
00:30:58get the drift going and
00:31:00yes
00:31:05this entertainment went on for quite some time
00:31:16ah
00:31:23nope
00:31:25until eventually
00:31:27dabber brakes in
00:31:30and hold it hold it
00:31:32he's turning the steering wheel
00:31:33he turned the steering wheel
00:31:35he did a thing to it
00:31:36yes
00:31:38yes yes yes
00:31:42this looks like a lot of fun we're gonna do that we're gonna try it
00:31:45oh no there's the only set
00:31:47what are those things
00:31:48yeah they're the only set so we can't do it
00:31:50well no we can we can make some
00:31:58did you ask if you could borrow this bit
00:32:00no but they won't need it
00:32:04and rotate
00:32:07this goes over
00:32:10it'll require a little bit of persuasion
00:32:12james may just
00:32:12drifted perfectly behind you
00:32:14this is another of those weird days
00:32:17with his tire covers made
00:32:19Hammond decided not to hold back
00:32:31oh
00:32:31oh this is gonna be
00:32:33i mean seriously he's gonna get to that corner and then
00:32:39where can the helicopter land
00:32:43here comes a drift here it comes
00:32:45and drifting
00:32:48ah
00:32:50it's completely out of control
00:32:56let's try let's just try again
00:33:00all right well no no that's fallen off
00:33:03that could be interesting
00:33:07and i am turning in
00:33:09drifting
00:33:11oh no i'm no there's i've got no steering
00:33:16annoyingly Hammond's dismal failure didn't stop him fitting his ridiculous contraptions to my precious alpha
00:33:24and insisting that i have a go
00:33:27think of the trouble
00:33:28alfa romeo went to
00:33:31to make this car exquisite
00:33:32think of the trouble
00:33:33the pirelli went to to make the tires grip properly
00:33:37and then along comes Hammond with the bin
00:33:42whatever here we go
00:34:04onwards to the next part of our test
00:34:08which was to find out
00:34:11how utilitarian they are
00:34:14we're gonna do this by seeing which one of us
00:34:17can get the most amount of dogs in the boot of our car
00:34:23Hammond you idiot
00:34:25what
00:34:25what are they
00:34:26if you say dog in canada these are what you get
00:34:29Newfoundlands
00:34:30Hammond they're enormous
00:34:31they're not dogs
00:34:33they're cattle
00:34:34yeah
00:34:35oh shh
00:34:36they're having sex
00:34:37there's dog sex
00:34:38there's actual dog sex going on
00:34:41dog sex
00:34:41maybe we should
00:34:42we don't need to see this
00:34:44in a brief break from the mating
00:34:46we got on with the test
00:34:49up we go
00:34:50come on
00:34:50come on
00:34:51come on
00:34:52up
00:34:53in the car
00:34:54it's a new Range Rover
00:34:55come on dog
00:34:56right
00:34:56um
00:34:57there's
00:34:57no
00:34:59no
00:35:00up we go
00:35:02up we go
00:35:02up we go
00:35:02up we go
00:35:03up we go
00:35:04up we go
00:35:04up we go
00:35:05up we go
00:35:05up we go
00:35:11Getting another dog.
00:35:18Dog beer.
00:35:25Ow! Yes!
00:35:27Stay...
00:35:31The Alfa Romeo, not only the sportiest vehicle,
00:35:35but as you can see,
00:35:37perfectly capable of handling a brace of dogs.
00:35:46Oh.
00:35:48Yeah, the problem is, you know electric tailgates?
00:35:52If they sense anything, they'll open.
00:35:53Yes, that's what's...
00:35:54So it can't actually close.
00:35:57It's not going to stay in, is it?
00:35:59Oh!
00:36:00Biggest dog here is in.
00:36:02Yes, but you try to close it.
00:36:03Close your boot, then.
00:36:05Go on, then.
00:36:08You see, it won't close because it's electric.
00:36:11What we've established, then, so far,
00:36:14is that these cars are nowhere near as fast
00:36:16as an ordinary car around a racetrack,
00:36:18that you cannot put a medium-sized dog in them
00:36:21because of the electric tailgate.
00:36:24Mm-hm.
00:36:24And you'll damage them
00:36:25because they've all got painted rear ends
00:36:27and carpeted boot floors.
00:36:28And that concludes another important test.
00:36:30I'm sorry.
00:36:39So, here we are, arriving at the airport
00:36:41with what looks like normal hand luggage.
00:36:45Okay, what I have here, as you can see,
00:36:47is a perfectly ordinary wheeled suitcase.
00:36:49If I fold the handle away,
00:36:51it will fit in an overhead locker.
00:36:53However, if I lay it down like so,
00:36:56you can see it's starting to look like a car.
00:36:59Not really, mate.
00:37:00No, it is.
00:37:01It will look even more like a car
00:37:03when I have completed the build.
00:37:05Simply open it up.
00:37:07As you can see, all the things I need
00:37:09for a couple of nights away are in there.
00:37:11It is actually a suitcase.
00:37:13But also in here is a steering wheel.
00:37:16So, shut that up.
00:37:19You heard that?
00:37:20A solid click like an M16 rifle bolt.
00:37:23This is my accelerator, my brake.
00:37:26And then I simply...
00:37:28I'm sitting on it,
00:37:29being quite careful to keep that away from my plums.
00:37:33And I am ready to go.
00:37:35So, where's yours?
00:37:36Here.
00:37:37Is it?
00:37:38Laptop.
00:37:38Yeah.
00:37:39Put it on the floor.
00:37:41Wheeled laptop.
00:37:42Oh, yeah.
00:37:43Oh, I see you're standing on it.
00:37:45Yeah.
00:37:46And I'm off.
00:37:47I mean, that does look a bit dangerous.
00:37:48It is.
00:37:50That's why I'm wearing all these pads.
00:37:52Right, are we ready then
00:37:54to revolutionise air travel?
00:37:56Let's do this.
00:37:59The speed!
00:38:04Oh, shit.
00:38:05I may have hit the other sign as well.
00:38:07My brakes aren't as good.
00:38:08No, I hit the big sign.
00:38:13Soon we were motoring through the duty-free shops.
00:38:19Hello, this is the future.
00:38:22You're dragging your suitcase
00:38:23instead of using it to get you to the gate.
00:38:27Oh.
00:38:28Beep.
00:38:29Beep.
00:38:30Beep.
00:38:31Sorry.
00:38:32Sorry.
00:38:35In full power mode,
00:38:36have a top speed of 28 miles an hour,
00:38:38but I'm not using that
00:38:39because in full power mode,
00:38:41you have no steering at all.
00:38:42No, no, no, no, no.
00:38:43Oh, sorry, mate.
00:38:46Jeremy, you killed a man.
00:38:48What?
00:38:49Oh, shit, no.
00:38:50Oh, hammer's gone.
00:38:53Ow.
00:38:54I meant that.
00:38:55He's gone.
00:38:57Eventually, though,
00:38:58I started to get the hang of my machine.
00:39:01Hammer in turn.
00:39:05Hammond!
00:39:06What?
00:39:06I'm drifting a suitcase.
00:39:08You're not...
00:39:08This is more like a racetrack than a shot.
00:39:10Oh, shit!
00:39:14Oh, shit!
00:39:17Can somebody do...
00:39:18This is...
00:39:19Where's the manager?
00:39:20This was like this when we got here.
00:39:22Soon, we decided that we should use the time we'd made up
00:39:26having a drink.
00:39:28Ah!
00:39:30Sorry.
00:39:37The speed!
00:39:40Oh!
00:39:42Rides like a Tesla.
00:39:43Hello.
00:39:44Enjoying your walk?
00:39:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:39:50On to the way.
00:39:59Nothing to see here.
00:40:00Nothing to see.
00:40:02Is it gate 88, Hammond?
00:40:04What?
00:40:04No.
00:40:05Mate, it's this one.
00:40:08Where's the plane?
00:40:14So much usable, real-world consumer advice.
00:40:18I'm surprised we didn't win more, or indeed any, awards for it.
00:40:23And there was more, if you think about it.
00:40:24I mean, can you do nought to 100 miles an hour and then back to nought again
00:40:30in an old jag on a mountain runway?
00:40:34Can you jump a Maserati onto a fishing boat in the harbour?
00:40:38It's need-to-know stuff.
00:40:39Exactly, need-to-know.
00:40:40There's more as well.
00:40:42Can a modern-day satellite navigation system find its way to a town in Austria
00:40:47with a rude name without us saying the name of that rude town?
00:40:52Can it?
00:40:52Yeah.
00:40:53On television.
00:40:53Can you fire real guns from the back of a moving pickup truck?
00:40:57I'm asked that every single day.
00:41:00Yeah.
00:41:00This is what people needed to know.
00:41:12It is inevitable in the developing world that one day all pickup trucks end up being used as gun platforms.
00:41:20Yeah. It's their destiny to die on the battlefield.
00:41:22Yeah, I mean, every day you turn on the news and there's somebody standing in the back of a Toyota
00:41:27or a Nissan
00:41:27shooting at someone in a Humvee or a Land Rover.
00:41:31And what we want to know is how good will our European trucks be at that?
00:41:36Right out to glory.
00:41:38Look at him.
00:41:39The soldier of fortune.
00:41:41Dogs of war.
00:41:42That's not scary.
00:41:43The spaniel of war is what it is.
00:41:48Oh, this is quite difficult.
00:41:49Even though I've got the car with the most sophisticated suspension, I've got a slightly slippery floor.
00:41:56I'm looking for a barn door.
00:41:58There it is.
00:42:05They make this look a lot easier in Black Hawk Down.
00:42:08There's a bus.
00:42:16Oh, cock.
00:42:18Having somehow managed to miss a whole bus, I started to look for the cardboard soldiers.
00:42:24Die, cardboard cutout bus.
00:42:31Stand up.
00:42:32I am standing up.
00:42:36He loves that.
00:42:42Welcome to Richard Hammond's usual weekend.
00:42:47Oh, wait.
00:42:48Is that a bar door?
00:42:51Oh, a bush got in the way.
00:42:52That's all that happened then.
00:42:55Boss!
00:42:56Big target.
00:42:59Oh, shit.
00:43:00I'm out of bullets.
00:43:03That's what I've got.
00:43:04Go 50, Cal.
00:43:06Lock and load.
00:43:08Yes.
00:43:09Barn door.
00:43:10Barn door.
00:43:12Coming into view.
00:43:20Oh, God.
00:43:21I may have missed.
00:43:22What?
00:43:23Yeah.
00:43:23I've missed the door.
00:43:24I'm there badly.
00:43:26Searching for targets.
00:43:27There's a bus around here somewhere.
00:43:29There it is.
00:43:31I can't get on it.
00:43:32I can't get on it.
00:43:33I can't get on the bus.
00:43:35Opening fire.
00:43:39Oh, God.
00:43:40I think I hit that, but I've done that wrong.
00:43:42Men on the bridge.
00:43:44Lock and load.
00:43:45I said it again.
00:43:46Die.
00:43:46Die.
00:44:06I may be...
00:44:07I'm getting a bit...
00:44:08It's the leaf springs.
00:44:10Bad mark for Volkswagen there, this jiggliness.
00:44:13Right.
00:44:14Here we go.
00:44:14Men.
00:44:15Die!
00:44:19Die!
00:44:23Oh, God.
00:44:32Jeremy, this car is better than yours.
00:44:35Well, no.
00:44:37It just isn't, is it?
00:44:39You're being a...
00:44:40What's the word?
00:44:47We then flashed through the village of Kissing, getting it over with as quickly as possible.
00:44:54Then we went through petting.
00:44:56And to make sure we reached, erm, third base before bedtime, we decided to set our sat navs.
00:45:06Please name the country.
00:45:08Austria.
00:45:09Please name the city.
00:45:11Foo-king.
00:45:14Foo-king.
00:45:16Excuse me.
00:45:19Foo-king.
00:45:20Sorry.
00:45:23Foo-king.
00:45:25Sorry.
00:45:28Foo-king.
00:45:28Is your destination Selking?
00:45:31No.
00:45:32Foo-king.
00:45:34Cracking has been accepted. Which street should I select?
00:45:39Parking!
00:45:41Sorry.
00:45:43They can't say it. People are listening.
00:45:47Parking!
00:45:48Sorry.
00:45:49Thankfully, Hammond decided to program his bargain basement system manually.
00:45:56F...
00:45:59U...
00:46:01A...
00:46:02K...
00:46:03Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
00:46:05It's gone in!
00:46:08And soon, we cross the border into Austria.
00:46:13It's very, very pretty, Austria.
00:46:17No idea why Hitler was in such a bad mood.
00:46:23Eventually, we arrived...
00:46:25Um...
00:46:26Here!
00:46:28So is this the climax of this stage of our journey?
00:46:32Is it all it's cracked up to be? That's what I want to know.
00:46:35Because often, it can be a disappointment the first time you go there.
00:46:39First time I came here, I couldn't find the way in.
00:46:54Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, I arranged for our company yacht to be waiting for
00:47:00me in the harbour.
00:47:01And there it is!
00:47:09I simply drive up, hop aboard, and then we'll be on our way.
00:47:35James and I had arrived at the location for our next challenge.
00:47:41A runway.
00:47:43And once our colleague had arrived, I explained what Mr. Willman had planned.
00:47:50We're going to go from here, one at a time, nought to 100, and then back to nought again, and
00:47:56you've got to stop before the end of the runway.
00:47:58And you really do have to stop, because this airport has a slightly unusual feature.
00:48:06Perched on the summit of a rocky mountain, Telluride is the highest commercial airport in the U.S.
00:48:14And at the end of the runway, there is...
00:48:19Nothing.
00:48:21Just a thousand-foot drop to an uncomfortable end.
00:48:28Finally, it was my turn, and I was going to need as much runway and as much streamlining as possible.
00:48:35For good reason.
00:48:38Right, now we're alone, viewers, I'm going to admit to you that my car has gone into limp home mode,
00:48:44which is not ideal for this sort of thing.
00:48:48In three, two, one.
00:49:02Forty.
00:49:05He's moving.
00:49:06I mean, just barely, but...
00:49:11Fifty.
00:49:16Sixty.
00:49:22He's still accelerating.
00:49:2570.
00:49:2775.
00:49:3280 miles an hour.
00:49:3980.
00:49:42Oh, my God.
00:49:5080.
00:49:55Ow!
00:49:57Ow!
00:49:59Oof!
00:50:01Ow!
00:50:10What do you think we've spent the most money on over the years?
00:50:15Crisps.
00:50:16Band-aids, putting you back together again after accidents like that.
00:50:20Tyres. Yeah, I bet we spent a fortune on tyres petrol lawyers didn't spend enough on boys beer wine gin
00:50:28possibly gin. I
00:50:32Know what it is, but dynamite
00:50:44Is that barrel gonna
00:50:54Oh
00:51:00To tip it on clip it on
00:51:06Yeah, we are pumping gas. Oh shit. Oh, no
00:51:14Go go go
00:51:20Oh
00:51:20Oh
00:51:21Oh
00:51:21Oh
00:51:30Oh
00:51:32Oh
00:51:42Four five 10 gauge
00:51:53What's that?
00:52:10Six
00:52:13Blowing things up is a lot of fun, isn't it? Yes, not when you blame at my house now is
00:52:19right fun
00:52:19Doesn't cover it's not a big enough word to cover how enjoyable that was
00:52:25Can we just move on now from blowing up my house?
00:52:29Because in some of the films we made there was a relatively small amount of things blowing up
00:52:35And I've got to be honest when you're just looking at cars
00:52:40It can be quite good fun
00:53:02Holy moly
00:53:07oh hi the view it's amazing look at it
00:53:15i mean it's this is heaven
00:53:20and not just the scenery which is magnificent the road itself the twists turns surface
00:53:28you have to get the right ingredients together in the right order in the right place it's a
00:53:32complicated thing a really fabulous road but this manages it
00:53:40absolutely glorious
00:53:53oh the penis 287 is really coming up trumps here
00:54:09god i bet my car looks elegant going through this scenery
00:54:23this is what the gtv6 was built to do open sweeping roads
00:54:32nothing but the sound of that v6 howling away
00:54:48this is what driving is all about this is the dream
00:55:07life doesn't get much better than this cadwell park sunny day park one lotus cortina
00:55:16this thing is a riot
00:55:23it had a revolutionary twin cap 1.6 meter engine
00:55:29which sounds like a murder of mad bees
00:55:35it revved like hell all the way to 8 000 rpm
00:55:41and produced 105 horsepower
00:55:54the result was some spectacular performance
00:55:58the road cars would do 108 miles an hour and in race trip
00:56:03that shot up to 145
00:56:08that was the stuff of spaceships back then
00:56:12and best of all
00:56:13if you were really on it
00:56:15it would lift the front wheel in the corners
00:56:21on the downside it didn't stop properly
00:56:25and there was very little grip
00:56:28and there was very little grip
00:56:29so it was an oversteer mentalist
00:56:32so it was an oversteer mentalist
00:56:45holy bubba
00:56:56the bracket is just astonishing
00:56:59imagine this for a 24 hour race
00:57:06even though it's a 50 year old car
00:57:09the 917 is fast by the standards of any decade
00:57:130 to 60
00:57:152.7 seconds
00:57:17top speed
00:57:19224 miles an hour
00:57:23and it was built without compromise
00:57:25using the absolute bare minimum
00:57:28of materials
00:57:30so for example
00:57:32this body work
00:57:33which is very close to my head
00:57:35it's fiberglass
00:57:371.2 millimeters thick
00:57:39that's it
00:57:40now in front of me
00:57:41i have a big rev counter
00:57:42an oil temperature gauge
00:57:44and an oil pressure gauge
00:57:45that's all the information you get
00:57:47if those are reading correctly
00:57:49that means the engine isn't going to blow up
00:57:52and that means
00:57:53you can pin it
00:57:58gee
00:58:00it's the world's fastest canoe
00:58:03the 5 litre
00:58:0412 cylinder engine
00:58:05produces 621 horsepower
00:58:09which is modest
00:58:10by the standards of today's road going hyper cars
00:58:14but this thing weighs just 800 kilograms
00:58:17as a result the power to weight
00:58:20is off the scale
00:58:24bloody hell this is special
00:58:30i'm amazed porsche
00:58:31let me drive it at all
00:58:32i mean
00:58:33they didn't give me any training
00:58:35they just put me in and said
00:58:36pulls this
00:58:37turns that
00:58:38and ah
00:58:38you'll be fine
00:58:42and now
00:58:42since the legend is celebrating its 50th birthday
00:58:45i think it deserves a fun day out
00:58:50so i thought
00:58:52why don't we put mr dicky outward back in it
00:58:55to stretch its legs a bit and spice things up
00:58:58and whilst he's there
00:58:59let's see how the old legend
00:59:01i mean the car
00:59:02stacks up against a modern porsche
00:59:06specifically this porsche
00:59:08the 911 gt2 rs
00:59:12the biggest gun in porsche's current arsenal
00:59:17now attentive viewers will have noticed that i'm not actually driving
00:59:21and that's because i've decided to do this properly
00:59:23we're going to have old porsche le mans winning racing driver
00:59:27versus young porsche le mans winning racing driver
00:59:31because this is neil jani and he won for porsche in 2016 in the 919
00:59:36to be honest he's also probably a bit better at this than i am
00:59:40as for the cars themselves
00:59:42on paper it's a tough one to call
00:59:46we have 700 horsepower in here
00:59:48621 horsepower in the 917
00:59:50but the 917 weighs just 800 kilograms
00:59:54this weighs 1830 kilograms
00:59:57it's over a ton heavier
00:59:59but then again we've got modern tires
01:00:01and we've got modern brakes
01:00:02and we have a modern gearbox with paddles
01:00:04so i mean god knows
01:00:05let's find out
01:00:09what i hadn't considered in my comparisons
01:00:11was dicky
01:00:16oh cheeky
01:00:19look how bloody fast he's going
01:00:23the man's a lunatic
01:00:24he's 78
01:00:28he's going quick huh
01:00:30carrying a massive amount of speed into the corner
01:00:35here we go
01:00:37have him
01:00:41boom
01:00:45the red mist has descended again after a pause of nearly half a century
01:00:50and mr atwood has gone quite mad
01:00:58oh yes this could be it
01:01:01yes
01:01:02oh no
01:01:04oh he's had you
01:01:07well you can't quite out break him because you're too heavy
01:01:10but in the end
01:01:11youth and modern rubber triumph over a flat hat
01:01:15oh we're right all over all over his tent
01:01:17here we go
01:01:26yes
01:01:31nicely done sir
01:01:32lucky
01:01:33i can keep my job
01:01:34yes
01:01:35i think you can keep your job
01:02:02welcome everyone to the most magnificent french car of the more
01:02:11the sm
01:02:13a citroen coupe with a 2.7 liter maserati v6 under the bonnet
01:02:24this in essence really is franco-italian and that can work
01:02:29john a lacy he's franco-italian so is olivia giroux eric canton are david
01:02:36ginola
01:02:36that worked well
01:02:38yeah
01:02:39so what you got in one of these was french complexity and italian fragility
01:02:44yeah
01:02:44let's go give you an example of the complexity
01:02:46it doesn't have a throttle linkage as such well it does but you get a rod then a bit of
01:02:54cable
01:02:54then another rod then it goes through the exhaust manifold
01:02:57it does
01:02:59basically engine out
01:03:01and here's another good one all the wiring under the bonnet is black so you have no idea where it's
01:03:07going or where it came from
01:03:08it's just all black since i don't know
01:03:10they don't
01:03:11it's just black
01:03:12it's the stop light there that's what i love
01:03:15the biggest stop sign
01:03:17yeah it doesn't even specify
01:03:18just stop
01:03:19one of a number of things has gone wrong again
01:03:23that's what it said
01:03:24this is a really big light to tell you inevitably stop
01:03:29what did you expect here is the moment you knew was coming
01:03:34and you must stop instantly or die
01:03:41but can we just mention the looks
01:03:43that's one of the best looking cars ever made
01:03:50some angles there's a sort of gawkiness to it which is i know we've gone on about it before but
01:03:54real true beauty isn't just that
01:03:56that sort of internet
01:03:58fake
01:03:59perfectly symmetrical
01:04:00this has an angularity to it
01:04:03oh it's stunning
01:04:06tell you what i love is the list of people who owned an SM
01:04:11okay
01:04:12oh eclectic
01:04:14you've got
01:04:15graham green
01:04:16brezhnev
01:04:17Haile Selassie
01:04:19Lee Majors the six million dollar man
01:04:21John Barry
01:04:22the guy who wrote all the Bond stuff
01:04:24yeah
01:04:24Idi Amin had seven of them
01:04:27seven SM's
01:04:28just on the off chance one of them worked
01:04:30but this is the really interesting one right
01:04:33Bill Wyman from the Stones
01:04:34okay Adam Clayton from U2
01:04:36and Guy Berryman from Coldplay
01:04:39they're all bassists and they all had SM's
01:04:43that's because nobody ever looks at the bassists they're always standing at the back aren't they
01:04:47but you could still know so stop looking at the lead singer i've got a sodding SM
01:04:51yeah look at me
01:04:52yes
01:04:53yes
01:05:00i love this car
01:05:01i really want one
01:05:04i can feel the vibe of a man wanting something coming from over there
01:05:09and i think you should have one so i can look at it
01:05:13it's so special
01:05:15and i want to be the kind of person that would
01:05:18well set out
01:05:20to turn up in one
01:05:21yeah you'd never get there
01:05:23no but you'd be an optimist
01:05:24well people would see you arriving this and assume you were just an optimistic idiot
01:05:28yeah
01:05:29which i kind of am
01:05:30which i like
01:05:32which i like
01:05:50for me though the most emotional thing we ever did was on a chilly afternoon in Lincolnshire
01:05:59you may remember
01:06:01because
01:06:02the medium-sized Ford the backbone really for
01:06:06let's be honest most British families for many many years
01:06:09was about to die
01:06:11and we wanted to say
01:06:13a proper goodbye
01:06:24so to give this car the send-off it deserves
01:06:29we've booked Lincoln Cathedral
01:06:39and invited some like-minded souls to mark the moment of its passing
01:06:51this will be a funeral for a friend
01:06:54a few people have turned up already
01:07:04look at that
01:07:14big isn't it
01:07:14very
01:07:15hmm
01:07:16tallest building in the world for 250 years this
01:07:21how many people do you think are going to turn up
01:07:23well it is a tuesday afternoon
01:07:25well we might go 50
01:07:27no i think it could be 100
01:07:29100 would be nice
01:07:31wouldn't it
01:07:31yeah
01:07:32in fact it was rather more than a hundred
01:07:48so many people came that the traffic in Lincoln ground to a halt
01:07:59and we had to begin the service before they'd all arrived
01:08:06Ford
01:08:08Ford
01:08:08why
01:08:15georgian
01:08:19there's in the
01:08:22the
01:08:22love
01:08:23mankind
01:08:25won't be
01:08:27a
01:08:27foolish
01:08:29way
01:08:30We hope us in our rightful life,
01:08:37We globalize thy service fine,
01:08:43In thee the reverence grace,
01:08:49In thee the reverence grace.
01:08:57From thy seduels of quietness
01:09:04Till all our shining seas,
01:09:10Did from our souls learn strain and stress,
01:09:17And let our order night's conquest
01:09:22The beauty of thy feet,
01:09:29The beauty of thy feet.
01:09:38We hope us in our rightful life,
01:09:45The joy of thy feet.
01:09:51The beauty of thy feet.
01:09:55The beauty of thy feet.
01:09:59The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:04The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:05The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:11The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:26The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:48The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:51The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:53The beauty of thy feet.
01:10:55The beauty of thy feet.
01:11:05April says 20th,
01:11:05just read subsection 5.3.282. Do we need to pack? Nah. We're done. I know you don't like a
01:11:15cheers,
01:11:15but I'm going to do one anyway. Cheers. It's been immense. Cheers. Cheers. I hope this is
01:11:21Arby's Bristol cream. Oh, it's only the best. Never thought it would end like this, did you?
01:11:27Jesus Christ, it is. See you, everyone. Bye.
01:11:35Bye.
01:12:15Bye.
01:12:35Bye.
01:12:37Bye.
01:12:46Bye.
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