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Short filmTranscript
00:27To be continued...
00:42And on the day fourth-form pupils begin studying for their new GCSE exams,
00:48we put a group of Cotchester shopkeepers through their paces to see how much they can remember
00:53from their O-level maths.
00:56Meanwhile, here at Carinium, we are buzzing with excitement for our new live show, Declan.
01:04Declan's first guest will be Hollywood hellraiser Johnny Friedlander,
01:09one of the cinema's brightest stars.
01:11In his first interview since being the unfortunate victim of a sex tape scandal two years ago,
01:17the reclusive star is on his way to Carinium Studios as we speak.
01:23Can Declan O'Hara coax him out of his shell?
01:27And what about those James Bond rumours?
01:31That's Declan, live tonight at eight o'clock, with his very first interview here at Carinium,
01:38right after Coronation Street.
01:40I'll definitely be tuning in.
01:57Run!
01:59Run!
01:59Run!
02:00Let's go.
02:36Let's go.
03:10Let's go.
03:30Let's go.
03:36Let's go.
03:37Let's go.
03:37Let's go.
03:38Let's go.
03:39Let's go.
04:06Let's go.
04:07Let's go.
04:25Let's go.
04:55Let's go.
05:24Let's go.
05:51Let's go.
05:53Let's go.
05:58Let's go.
06:02Let's go.
06:03Let's go.
06:12Let's go.
06:14Let's go.
06:43Let's go.
06:44Let's go.
06:45Let's go.
06:45Let's go.
07:01Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
07:33Let's go.
08:01Let's go.
08:15Let's go.
08:20Let's go.
08:43Let's go.
08:46Let's go.
08:53Let's go.
08:56Let's go.
08:57Let's go.
09:31Let's go.
09:32Let's go.
10:00Let's go.
10:00Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:01Let's go.
10:02Not sure about the sobs.
10:05Yeah.
10:05All right, so when we're reading.
10:09Jesus Christ, he signed a full note.
10:12Yeah, comedy.
10:16And what was it like when you drove off that bridge?
10:22Well, I wokeUp the second I hit the water, but man it was scary.
10:26And thank god I was in a convertible or I'd be at the bottom
10:30of the river now.
10:31But yeah, I had to get sober.
10:34415 days later, the world looks more beautiful than ever.
10:50Now, shall we talk about the sex tape?
10:54Why not?
10:55The elephant's in the room already, crapping in the corner.
10:58Is the girl okay?
11:01Miss, uh, Miss Cortez?
11:04Hell, I don't know.
11:05You don't see her?
11:06Uh, none of my Christmas card lists, no.
11:08But she is, uh, she's an actress, right?
11:11I don't know, uh, we met in a bar.
11:14Hope she got a lot of money out of the whole thing.
11:17Is $5,000 a lot of money?
11:20According to Miss Cortez, that's when we should pay her to have sex with you
11:23and then take the tape to the National Enquirer.
11:25What?
11:27Oh, fuck.
11:29You said you were the victim.
11:31But in fact, you paid her to video herself having sex with you
11:36as if it had been filmed undercover
11:37so that when she took the tape to the press,
11:39you could pretend that you'd been set up?
11:42Simultaneously getting sympathy as the victim of a honey trap
11:44while reaping a ton of publicity that made you look like a virile sex god?
11:48Yeah, she got publicity too, trust me.
11:50You sat back and let the press vilify her
11:52to the extent that all her acting work dried up.
11:55You could have stepped in and told the truth, but you didn't.
11:58The world would have believed you,
12:01but your silence demolished her.
12:03Your stock shot up overnight
12:05while Pia Cortez lost her apartment.
12:08$5,000 for a woman's reputation.
12:10Is that a fair price?
12:11What reputation?
12:12She was a porn actress.
12:14I paid her to make a porno.
12:29Fuck.
12:30We've lost him.
12:31He's going to walk out.
12:45Oh, man, I'm an ass.
12:48What did you do?
12:51Tell two to hold on Johnny.
12:54Stay on Johnny.
12:55Now, move in.
12:57Slowly, slowly.
12:59Slowly.
13:00It wouldn't get this on the BBC.
13:04Get me the sweat beating on his brow.
13:06This is the one.
13:07I'd had four flops in a row,
13:09and I'm scared.
13:13It's the worst thing about Hollywood
13:15is when you're out.
13:16All you can think about
13:18is how to get back in.
13:20What a mess.
13:24Worst part is...
13:28I really like that girl.
13:31I thought she had something.
13:33What would you say to her?
13:36If she was here?
13:37Yeah, she's an L.A. man.
13:39Well, she might see it.
13:41You never know.
13:46Okay, um, sure.
13:56Tia.
13:59If you're watching,
14:01I'm sorry.
14:03I'm an ass.
14:05When you buy a drink,
14:07or a car.
14:10Whatever you want.
14:12I'm sorry.
14:22Man, I've been sitting on that seat for too long.
14:25Feel good to get it off your chest.
14:28God, the water here.
14:30Tastes good.
14:32Can I get another?
14:34Join us again after the break
14:35when I'll be asking Johnny about James Bond.
14:38Don't go away.
14:40And we're clear.
14:43Okay, stand by, everyone.
14:45Three minutes.
14:46That was more stressful than I expected.
14:48Daddy always goes in for the kill.
14:51He really is a master at this, your Declan.
14:53I mean, is that erotic?
14:55Doing a video?
14:56Well, I think it is
14:56if you've made it for each other,
14:58or you watch it when they're away.
15:01We'll all work together.
15:02It's a warm-up.
15:04Yeah, it can be pretty hot.
15:05With the right co-star.
15:07I can't imagine James wanting to make a sex video with me.
15:10The camera puts pounds on you, and he already thinks I'm fat.
15:14Well, he's bad. You're exquisite.
15:20Sandwich? Anyone?
15:21Yeah, I'm starving.
15:23Oh, my God, you made this, Peggy.
15:26Ambrosial.
15:27Please, please tell me you'll come and work for me.
15:29Caitlin, go and fetch another one of these for me, please.
15:31No, I tried working in a restaurant. It was just too hectic.
15:35Well, you could do people's dinner parties and things.
15:37A private chef. I bet you'd get bookings.
15:41I could put a word around, if you like.
15:42Caitlin! Oh, Daddy's back.
15:52Here it is. Your closet, sir.
16:05Put something against her.
16:06Do you think Johnny Friedlander barricades the door?
16:12The guy, he had the most stupid walk.
16:17Can I tell you what Cubby Broccoli said when my people called up and suggested me?
16:21He said he'd sooner have James Bond played by a woman.
16:28Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Friedlander!
16:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:00Gave him a bottle of vodka.
17:01Oh, no, I did that.
17:02What?
17:04Why didn't you tell me?
17:06We needed your first show to be jaw-dropping television.
17:08No way was I leaving that to chance.
17:10And you didn't tell me you were going to skewer the guy live on air.
17:13You don't think he fucks your producer?
17:14I'm not to know that.
17:15We didn't need to push him off the wagon.
17:17I didn't need help.
17:18Yeah, you didn't need a desk either, did you?
17:22Hi, this is Esther McLeod.
17:23Hi, hi.
17:24This is Lady Gosling.
17:26Hi, how you doing?
17:27Hello.
17:28Freddie Jones.
17:28Hey, what's up here?
17:29His lovely wife.
17:30Hey, how you doing?
17:31Jones Oroko.
17:32Hi, how you doing?
17:33This is the backroom boys.
17:35This is Sam.
17:35Hey, how you doing?
17:35Daisy.
17:36Hey, how you doing?
17:37This is Deirdre.
17:38Hey, how you doing?
17:40Hey, how you doing?
17:46At least he didn't film you.
17:49He's a mug.
17:50He looked like a Charlie's angel.
17:54Thanks, Seb.
17:55That's nice.
17:57He's very good, isn't he?
17:59He's not the new jewel in Carineon's crown.
18:02Extraordinary soft.
18:04He has so much character.
18:05He's a breath of fresh air.
18:07It's such a shame that you couldn't get Campbell Black onto the board.
18:11Wow.
18:12Is Freddie Jones in the bag?
18:13Oh, very much so.
18:14Very much so.
18:15They're much more used to us.
18:17His expertise in technology, business, the real world.
18:21But I've got to say, Declan's got some brass.
18:24I thought Johnny was going to lamp him one.
18:26How do you keep it together?
18:27All that going on?
18:28Can I tell you a secret?
18:30That was my first time taking the show out live.
18:33Did you like it?
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35The adrenaline.
18:36Yes, I loved it.
18:37But please don't ask me any specifics.
18:39It's a blur.
18:39Met Cameron, then.
18:41You need people that can deliver under pressure, don't you?
18:44Diamonds.
18:45Couldn't agree more.
18:46That's why we're courting you for the board.
18:51You're getting the fuck of a lifetime tonight.
18:55Yeah.
19:09Isn't that crazy?
19:11And then the man started turning up at the house.
19:14I know.
19:14And he was so in love with Mummy.
19:16But then Daddy found out about it.
19:18And that wasn't funny at all.
19:21Caitlin.
19:23Anyway, that's the real reason why we moved out of London.
19:26Daddy's new job came just at the right time.
19:44Mrs. Thatcher tells me if I want to succeed in politics, I have to keep my nose clean.
19:48No more cunnilingus, then.
19:51Maud's got a thumping crush on you.
19:54Declan looks strong.
19:56I'd watch yourself.
19:59Darling, you know I love you to beards.
20:03You never tell me what to do.
20:32You never tell me what to do.
20:48I must be exhausted.
20:51How did I do?
20:53You were wonderful.
21:17Christ, you're wet.
21:20I've been thinking about you coming home all evening.
21:37Oh, what is it?
21:39Everything all right?
21:42Shitting awful evening, actually.
21:43Oh, I'm sorry.
21:45You should have come with me to watch a new Declan show.
21:50It was...
21:51brilliant.
21:59You might be a little more supportive, Lizzie.
22:15I mean, it's only my first date boarding school.
22:17It's not like it's momentous or anything, is it?
22:18I'm sorry I can't drive you there.
22:20You know Daddy needs the car this morning.
22:21I didn't mean you.
22:27Bye-bye, gorgeous, ugly dog.
22:34Is Mummy going to start one of her things with Rupert?
22:37I'm not going to keep her secrets again if she does.
22:43Mummy and Daddy are going to be okay.
22:45Keep an eye on them, I promise.
22:49Oh, I'm going to miss you.
22:51Now go.
22:52I'm going.
22:56Just you and me now, pups.
22:58Rabbit, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba,
23:02Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba,
23:03Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba,
23:04Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba,
23:27I know you've been my heroes too
23:29With your incessant token
23:32You're becoming a pissed
23:34That's all we've got time for tonight
23:35Oh, Rob, it's a big deal
23:40Now you're a wonderful kill
23:43You've got a wonderful skill
23:47You've got a wonderful arm
23:50You've got a chance
23:52Get off me, man
23:53I know you've been my heroes too
23:57With your incessant token
24:00Here we go, Rob, it's
24:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
24:06Yeah, yeah, yeah
24:13Oh, my God
24:17Oof, look at all this
24:19It was a neighbourhood dinner party
24:21Why didn't Valerie Jones invite her to hand me?
24:23I don't know, Mumy
24:24She did, I said we couldn't do it
24:27What? I've work to do.
24:28I never get to go anywhere.
24:30I mean, how can we meet anyone if you're going to turn down everything just to prepare your stupid program?
24:36My stupid program is all just paying the bills on this rotting pile of bricks, and all you do is
24:41spend money.
24:42I mean, why the fuck do we own our harp?
24:43Well, you want to take my music away from me? It's all that I have left.
24:46I have to go to work.
24:47No, no, I'm still talking to you.
24:48We can talk about it later.
24:50Good luck, Tag.
24:51Bye.
24:52You know, it's a good job that you bought a priory, because I might as well be a nun.
24:57You know, he's still punishing me.
24:59I mean, when is it going to stop?
25:06My congratulations, both of you.
25:0810 million viewers.
25:10I want 12 mil this week.
25:12I can't believe you got that story out of Mick Jagger.
25:14People like telling me things. Psychiatrist to the stars.
25:17So who's next on the couch?
25:18Diana.
25:19Doesn't do TV.
25:20Arnold Schwarzenegger.
25:21Jesus, he couldn't even speak.
25:23Joanna Lumley.
25:24Rupert Campbell Black.
25:25No way.
25:26Celebrity.
25:26Ex-Olympian, a heartthrob, so I'm told, and now minister for sports.
25:29Surely that's an extraordinary trajectory.
25:31There's no hinterland.
25:32If I'm to interview someone whose politics I despise, I want a worthy opponent.
25:36Could you stop swinging your dick for a moment?
25:38If you stop swinging your vagina.
25:40Okay, okay, okay, okay.
25:43Declan's right.
25:44Campbell Black's an arrogant brat.
25:45Everything people hate about the upper classes.
25:47Why do you hate him so much?
25:50Because he always gets everything he wants.
25:52Joyce, Rupert Campbell Black.
25:55I wasn't surprised when the wife left.
25:58He'll never settle, will he?
26:00Doesn't that make him an interesting interview?
26:02He's the only man in England who can come out of a sex scandal with a promotion.
26:06Minister for sport, for God's sake.
26:08The man plays tennis naked.
26:10He's an irredeemable shit.
26:12We needn't pour fertiliser on his already overgrown ego.
26:16Who do you want, Declan?
26:18Thatcher.
26:19Margaret Thatcher?
26:20No, Charles, fucking Dennis Thatcher.
26:22Look, she'll never say yes anyway.
26:24She thinks I'm an eye-or-a-pinko.
26:25Well, let's see.
26:26I've donated eye-watering sums to the Tory party.
26:29It's not the public who decides which way the election goes, is it?
26:35All right. Stop staring at me. Fuck off.
26:37We've all got work to do.
26:40Declan?
26:40Yeah?
26:41Don't go. Have a proper drink.
26:42After you.
26:46You've got viewing figures most people would sell their granny for.
26:50So, I'm just wondering why you're still unhappy here.
26:55You mean Cameron?
26:56No. No.
26:58I mean, she's hard work, but you're right.
27:00She knows what she's doing.
27:02I...
27:03I just have a lot in my mind.
27:05Money stuff.
27:07I have an unpaid tax bill following me around.
27:1080 grand.
27:13London wasn't cheap.
27:14Not with a wife who throws her party every time someone blows their nose.
27:20All right. Well...
27:22Why don't I settle with the end loan revenue for you?
27:25You can pay me back when you can.
27:26Nobody need to know about it.
27:28Just the two of us.
27:28On my account.
27:32That's very decent of you.
27:34Self-interest, really.
27:35You're no good to be preoccupied.
27:40Well...
27:41No more.
27:43Cheers.
27:43You're welcome.
27:44You know I just wait for date on situation.
27:47We'll be close the doorway of that nation.
27:51Pick me up and shake the down.
27:54Baby, I can't do without.
27:56Don't mess around.
27:58You bring me down.
28:01How you get it bad don't make sense.
28:03Move down.
28:16Are you always this height?
28:18I can usually size people by looking.
28:20I didn't think you'd want me to serve things.
28:22I can't exactly do it myself, can I?
28:23You know to go round the dinner table clockwise, don't you?
28:26Don't pick, Sharon.
28:27I need you to write the menu out, one for each end of the table,
28:30in French, if you don't mind.
28:31Hello, Taggy. Nice get up.
28:33The grub smells good.
28:34I'm still cross with you, Fred Frid.
28:36I mean, what were you thinking? Inviting a single man?
28:38I mean, what kind of a dinner party have you had nine guests?
28:40Ten guests now, because I've just invited a single woman.
28:42To balance the books.
28:43Fred Frid, how could you?
28:45Now I'm going to have to change the whole placement.
28:51Terrific.
28:54I could help you with the menus.
28:56I'm doing French for GCSE.
29:05They're going to be here soon, Mrs Makepeace.
29:07Yes, Mrs Jones.
29:08Sorry, did you decide if you want the cheese first or the pavlova?
29:11Fred Frid?
29:12Cheese or dessert?
29:14Don't posh people say pudding?
29:16Pudding?
29:16But dessert is French.
29:18Agatha, which is it?
29:19I don't know.
29:20Pudding.
29:20I mean, they learn out of boarding school.
29:24Chin up, Massey.
29:26We've worked so hard we can enjoy it now.
29:28I mean, who'd have thought that you and me entertain the lord and the lady?
29:30Eh?
29:33Right.
29:48It's a nice, cosy dinner at Freddy's bum in a board seat at the end of it.
29:52I've rather implied to Lady Gosling he's already said yes, so we need to reel him in tonight.
29:57We might as well kiss goodbye to the franchise.
29:59No, absolutely.
30:01Operation Charm Offensive.
30:02Well, offensive is right.
30:04We'll be forced to admire the soft furnishings.
30:06Fitted carpets everywhere.
30:08Well, don't let Valerie Jones get to you, darling.
30:12You know who she reminds you of.
30:13Who?
30:14Your mother.
30:16Oh.
30:28Come on.
30:30You've got five minutes.
30:31Yeah, well, five minutes is how long it takes to do this bloody dress-up.
30:36No, all right.
30:39Um, you know I need you to behave yourself this evening, don't you?
30:44Uh, I want Tony to invite me onto the board at Carinium, and we need to look proper.
30:50Respectable.
30:50Darling, is this about Rupert?
30:52It was just a silly flirtation.
30:54Come on, you know I love you most of all.
30:56Besides, I thought you wanted a young wife that everyone admires.
30:59I do, darling.
31:01I just prefer they admire you from further away.
31:16So it was a considerable renovation?
31:18Yes, it was terribly pokey.
31:20Three bedrooms and only the one bathroom, so we had to extend.
31:24But once we'd rendered over the old stonework, you can't tell the joy between the old and new.
31:28I thought this was a listed building.
31:30Oh, it is.
31:31Yeah.
31:32Fred Fred has friends in high places.
31:34I mean, one needs a good-sized lounge for entertaining.
31:37Hm.
31:38Lounge.
31:39Behave.
31:41Living charming.
31:48I think I've had this dream.
31:50Valerie made me.
31:51She's so short.
31:54Brevity is the soul of wit.
31:56And I can almost see your brevities.
32:03The fact is, this is the listed building.
32:06There are rules.
32:07To come.
32:08I need to be done with him.
32:14Oh.
32:16Darling, you look ravishing.
32:18Oh, James hates this, but it's the only clean one I've got.
32:21Um.
32:22Hello, Valerie.
32:25Evening, Stratton.
32:26Listen.
32:27I think you're giving the wrong impression about the tennis game with your wife.
32:30Or quite innocent.
32:31Sort of thing that wouldn't bat an eyelid on the continent.
32:33Good, clean, open-air fun.
32:35Shake hands and play nicely, shall we?
32:45Freddy!
32:47Sound distance!
32:48Show me, love.
32:49One will.
32:50Look, Freddy's equipment is staggering.
32:57I, er, I gather you spent this afternoon on the couch with my husband.
33:01Yes.
33:01Do you mind?
33:02No.
33:03Good for you.
33:04I hope you told him it was marvellous afterwards.
33:09Thanks, Fred.
33:10Nature abhors a vacuum.
33:12Yes, so does my cleaner.
33:15That's very good.
33:16That's very good.
33:17Will you show me this sound system?
33:20I'll be back in a tick.
33:23You're ahead with the host.
33:25Bet you're next to him at dinner.
33:27Uh-huh.
33:32Right, I'm off to see what decorative hell Valerie's unleashed on the downstairs loo.
33:37Clucum, darling.
33:38Clucum.
33:38Mm.
33:39It's just a sound.
33:40I get a little help.
33:41I'm going to come for it.
33:42I'm going to come for it.
33:43I'm going to come for it.
33:44I'm going to come for it.
33:45No?
33:46Okay, the satellite has its best.
33:47Let's embrace the possibilities.
33:49Well, your expertise would be a right.
33:54Of course, you're busy.
33:55Well, I think you like flipping useful.
33:57We'd have fun.
33:58I'm not trying to seduce you onto his board, is he?
34:01We're a viable, growing company with excellent prospects.
34:04The financial rewards are considerable.
34:06Ah, must we bring money into it.
34:08Fred is a businessman.
34:10It's what we do.
34:10You ever said no to this man?
34:12Frequently.
34:13Did you enjoy the polo?
34:15Ho, ho, ho, ho.
34:16You're a very bad influence.
34:17I did ache for three days.
34:18Freddie!
34:19Mr Verica and Mrs Stratton are on the television.
34:23Oh, yes. Do you want to see this?
34:24Yeah.
34:24Okay.
34:37Sarah, welcome.
34:38Hi, James.
34:38Absolutely.
34:39There you are, Sarah.
34:41Where's Sarah?
34:41You've been married to Paul Stratton, MP for Cochester, for a few months now.
34:46How do you see your role as the wife of an MP?
34:49To support my husband in every possible way.
34:52And how do you get on with Paul's family?
34:53I mean, his children must be nearly as old as you are.
34:55Oh, very good, James. Gripping stuff.
34:57The pressure on Paul to leave his first wife.
34:59But because he eventually made that decision, you know, I'm branded a scarlet woman.
35:03Oh.
35:03So I've had to try even harder to prove myself a good woman.
35:10Cute.
35:20Engaged to be married to a busy, powerful, famous man.
35:23The one thing I will say is do not let yourself go after you're worried.
35:26I mean, we all know what happens.
35:28Hello, Cameron.
35:29Let me get you a drink.
35:30They're all glued to the local news, I'm afraid.
35:32Well, thank you.
35:33Oh, James!
35:34Stop it.
35:35What are you, 21?
35:37Oh, please.
35:38And the rest.
35:39She's a natural, isn't she?
35:41Well, it's just wonderful to see her opening up.
35:42I understand that...
35:56Mmm.
36:00bombers
36:01Ah!
36:04Ah!
36:29Don't last the seconds, all right? Is this not fishing?
36:33You cologne?
36:34I wear it all the time.
36:35I like it.
36:36Are you sure the lighting wasn't a bit hard?
36:38It was brilliant.
36:40What the hell did you do?
36:41Freddie called after you left.
36:42I couldn't say no to him, could I?
36:44Don't do anything outrageous.
36:45Stay out of my way.
36:49Well, I clearly drew the long straw.
36:54Are we all here, yeah?
36:55Yeah, thank you.
36:59Ah, Cavendish.
37:00We've never really had a poor chat, have we?
37:02No, we haven't, Lady Betty.
37:04Oh, Monica, please.
37:05Um, we're all friends here.
37:14Rupert Campbell Black.
37:18I presume since we're the only people here with our partners that we're being set up with each other,
37:22and just so you know, I am perfectly comfortable with them.
37:25Do you have a boyfriend?
37:27Kind of.
37:29Kind of?
37:31Mm-hmm.
37:33That's kind.
37:37Sorry, I think, uh, someone's been playing with the, um...
37:41Anything all right, Valerie?
37:43Yes.
37:43Yeah.
37:44Quite, quite all right.
37:46Do you work with Cavendish, James?
37:48Her name's Cannon.
37:49No, I promise it's not.
37:52No, Cavendish.
37:53See?
37:53James thought you were called Cameron.
37:56Yeah.
37:57It's Cameron.
37:58Yeah.
37:59But this beautiful was honest to Cavendish, so why didn't you say anything?
38:03Well, you're my boss's wife.
38:05Well, silly girl.
38:08There's no need.
38:09Honestly, what peculiar behaviour?
38:16Salon loose.
38:17Do you like salmon loose?
38:19So, what have you got?
38:21Chinged French peasant, cravat sauce.
38:24Desert, chateau.
38:26You think it's garnished from actual sand?
38:28Garnished with leftover peasants?
38:32Not frequently, no.
38:33Talk wise, Agatha, please.
38:36Sorry.
38:36I didn't tell her.
38:57Ah, tagging.
39:01It looks amazing.
39:03I do love a bit of pheasant.
39:06And how'd you get on with Declan on it?
39:08Well, I'm his producer, which gives him license to be obnoxious.
39:11God knows how his wife puts up with them.
39:13Well, you could ask Taggy here.
39:14She's his daughter.
39:16Oh, God, I'm sorry.
39:19It's all sport with you, isn't it?
39:21Blood sport, mostly the chase.
39:23Oh, but if you caught something, I don't think you'd know what to do with it.
39:27She's quite the ball breaker, your new producer.
39:29Where'd you find her?
39:30Hunted her down in New York.
39:31Ah, blood sports again.
39:32You guys go to school together or something?
39:35No, no, no, no.
39:36And that's funny.
39:37Why?
39:39Because, as it happens, no, we didn't.
39:42Rupert went to Harrow.
39:44I went to grammar school.
39:46And you'll never let anyone forget it, will you?
39:48I wasn't going to say anything of the sort of you that won't let anyone forget it, Battingham.
39:54Tony was quite different as a boy.
39:57Oh!
39:58Billy Bunter, weren't you?
39:59OK, what's grammar school and how is it different from where you went?
40:04Well, it's increasingly hard to say.
40:06Rupert's school cost a lot more, but they didn't spend any of it teaching him manners.
40:12Very good, Lady Battingham.
40:13I can't imagine you, fat Tony.
40:15That's where I got my drive to succeed.
40:17I wish Fred Fred had a drive like that.
40:19We can't budge his curls at all.
40:21Ha!
40:22Be careful what you wish for, Valerie.
40:25It might drive him to some dangerous places.
40:28I've been meaning to say, Tony, we found a presenter for our Caring for the Elderly segment.
40:32She's a Jamaican lady living in Cotchester.
40:34A 70-year-old widow with an adult daughter, which makes her a black single mother.
40:39Box tape.
40:40I was brought up by a black single mother.
40:43Can't wait to tune in.
40:52She's so exotic, isn't she?
40:54Where's she from?
40:55America, I think.
40:56Wayne likes black girls, don't you, Wayne?
40:57What? Shut up!
40:58You've got a picture of Grace Jones when I close on.
41:00I saw it in your pants drawer.
41:02Oh, it's going so well.
41:04The pheasant was divine.
41:06Everyone's saying so.
41:07I knew you'd be wonderful at this.
41:10I'm sorry she put you in that thing.
41:11It was me. You were at the menu's out.
41:13That's why the spelling's so bad.
41:14Oh, God.
41:16You're dyslexia.
41:19I'm so sorry.
41:20We thought we were taking the mickey out of...
41:24someone else.
41:26Well, you cook like a dream,
41:28even if you can't spell for shit.
41:33Oh!
41:34Oh!
41:35Oh!
41:36Oh!
41:37Bravo!
41:38Bravo!
41:54What's your favorite thing about your job?
41:58Well, what a lovely question.
42:04Space, up there.
42:07Most British satellites use my computers now, and sometimes...
42:12I look up at the night sky and I see a little star winking back at me.
42:17And I think, I've made that happen.
42:21And it blows my mind.
42:31Chateau Gatto.
42:33This looks divine.
42:38Well done, Angel.
42:52You stupid bitch! What the fuck are you doing?!
42:55I'm so sorry, I'm sorry!
42:57Oops!
42:58Fetch a cloth, Agatha!
43:00Don't fetch a cloth, it's Armani!
43:02I'll pay for it!
43:03Whoa, you couldn't begin to!
43:05You needn't be a bitch about it.
43:07I'm sorry.
43:10Come on, this can't get you tidied up. Come with me.
43:15Rupert, how could you?
43:21God, that is exactly the kind of crass, lecherous...
43:25I thought she'd like it. God knows her mother would have.
43:27We went home just a buffet laid out for you to snack on.
43:30Perhaps she's not as innocent as you think she is, and that's a very cheeky little dress.
43:34Valerie made her wear it to do the job.
43:37Not that you'd understand.
43:39With looks like hers, I wouldn't have thought a career was that important.
43:41Honestly, Rupert, this was badly done.
43:44Mm-hmm.
44:08Ty, I think...
44:09Get away from me!
44:11I thought you wanted me to...
44:12Why on earth would you think that?
44:14Would you like to watch?
44:16Thought you might be grown up enough to play, too.
44:19You're disgusting and I want nothing to do with you.
44:24Taggy!
44:25Hang on.
44:40Rather traumatic getting into the evening.
44:43All these sobbing women.
44:46Valerie, alright?
44:48She's chuffed to bits that you're going to dinner.
44:51So thank you.
44:53So...
44:56This bald thing.
45:00Marvell, she...
45:01Just came for me again to something more cultural.
45:04So why don't you send me over to business plan?
45:07I'll look over it.
45:09I'll give you a call on Monday.
45:27Last night was humiliating.
45:30I don't know if I can do this anymore.
45:34You and me.
45:35What?
45:36Why?
45:36Why?
45:41You were at Valerie Jones dinner party?
45:45Yeah.
45:46I gather you got pudding tipped all over you by my daughter.
45:49I'll pay for the cleaning bill.
45:50Wouldn't Rupert do that?
45:52It was him who made Taggy drop the pudding when he groped her.
45:56He what?
45:57I didn't know.
45:59He was more than a pinch on the bottom, wasn't he?
46:02I didn't see it at the time, but grope sounds right.
46:04I'm sorry.
46:05He fucking what?
46:07Yeah.
46:07He's a promiscuous libertine, isn't he?
46:11Fondles whoever he likes.
46:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
46:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
46:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
46:17Wait, wait.
46:18The bastard.
46:18Jesus, when I catch him up.
46:20Interview him to death?
46:23You know, that's an idea.
46:25Think about it.
46:26You go over there and thump him, who gets to see it?
46:28One housekeeper and a gardener at best.
46:31Have him on the show.
46:33You can flay him in front of 16 million people.
46:37Oh, but you already said you didn't want him, right?
46:38No hinterland.
46:39I didn't want him either.
46:40I didn't want to give him the exposure, but exposing him.
46:44Come on.
46:44That's a whole different show, isn't it?
46:46That's where you destroy him and it lasts a fuck of a lot longer than a black eye.
46:53Revenge is a dish best served on television.
47:11The devil is a hero.
47:14I'll hear you the song.
47:18I will make you.
47:21I will make you.
47:33O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
47:46-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
47:47-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
47:48-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
47:50-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
47:51-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
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