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Transcript
00:03You
00:23Shall I take your bags to us, Tesla?
00:25It's just it's just one bag quite small. I don't
00:29They don't want me to bring much.
00:31No, no, no. Yes, I read the booklet.
00:35So I can carry it?
00:36I always thought we should have redecorated this room. It was on my list actually.
00:40Well, you can now.
00:42No, no, no. I meant for you. I meant this room was done up for a seven-year-old. You've
00:45ears on the wallpaper.
00:47I should have given it a lick of blue paint over the summer sometime.
00:50Made it feel more like a grown-ups room.
00:52I like it.
00:54My point is, I think you grew up. And I didn't notice.
01:02Well, Dad, none of this is to upset you. I found an answer to something, that's all.
01:11Here we go. Are you there?
01:16Anna?
01:18If you're there, you need to talk.
01:24I'm just posting my number through the door.
01:28I just like to talk. Talk more. That's all.
02:09There's a hint of intrigue.
02:10I'm so sorry.
02:16What makes you feel like?
02:19I think I'm a little bit of intrigue.
02:21I'm feeling a little bit of intrigue.
02:27But, I know this is a little bit more.
02:42No honey sandwiches?
02:43No, no.
02:44I'm trying to wash them something up.
02:46Yeah?
02:48Don't.
02:52How are you doing?
02:55Oh, you brought him?
03:11Yeah.
03:13You've been waiting long, Father?
03:16I'm sorry to keep you.
03:18I'm having a bladder reaction to the drugs or something.
03:20And they were changing my pads.
03:24Is that the right level of embarrassing for you?
03:26Yeah.
03:28Do you want, would you prefer some private time?
03:31No.
03:32She wanted you here.
03:35Besides, we've had enough of that.
03:38She's bored of me yapping away, complaining about this, that,
03:41the other.
03:43You're in pain?
03:44Oh, yeah.
03:46And it's on my notes that I'm an addict,
03:48so they're being very cheap with the painkillers.
03:53Uh, Tina wanted me to come and ask what you want to do next.
03:59Oh, I'd like to go home and live my life, thank you very much.
04:03I suppose I am concerned that we have Tina's baby underway.
04:11Well, I'll let him back in and he'll mess up that kid too.
04:15You're still charming.
04:18Tina wants help.
04:20I just want things to be different now.
04:28So you went to a priest.
04:30I'm not a priest.
04:33Yeah, just someone who cares.
04:36We all care, Father.
04:40Some more than we should.
04:55I am through with vetting families for schools.
05:00Little Algernon is a firm Catholic.
05:03We can't attend, of course, we dry ski on Sundays, but he prays daily and we bought him some of
05:08your
05:08holy beads from Amazon.
05:10Show him, Algy.
05:11Show him.
05:11I'm sure his name isn't Algernon.
05:13No.
05:14It's called Biscuit or some such nonsense.
05:19Sermon?
05:21Uh, uh, it's my sister's marriage museum.
05:25I didn't see it in the diary.
05:27Second marriage.
05:30First one was a bloke's arsehole, a registry office wedding, and then a blessing in the garden.
05:38Then praise be she's getting on the horse again.
05:41What?
05:42The church isn't right about everything, and I like your sister, and I like people getting
05:49on horses.
05:51I'm extending an awkward metaphor.
05:55I'm checking you're getting the help you need.
05:59I'm getting the help I need.
06:02I love which is coming from my sister.
06:05Well, that's good.
06:08I was concerned, et cetera.
06:12I won't interfere, et cetera.
06:15Consider me spent.
06:20Now, we've had a strange request.
06:23I didn't know whether to pass on.
06:26The chaplain at HMP Avonmouth has requested a visit.
06:31What, what, what?
06:32A parishioner has requested you.
06:35Tina's father.
06:37I don't think you should.
06:38I'm not even sure Tina would like you going.
06:41But, uh, your decision.
06:56Your decision.
06:59The chaplain at HMP Avonmouth has requested a visit.
07:07The chaplain at HMP Avonmouth has requested a visit.
07:30I, uh, I wasn't sure whether to, um...
07:31Knocked for you like four or five times at Muriel's.
07:34You haven't really hung.
07:36Well, that is, uh, impressive of you.
07:38I've run.
07:40Repeatedly.
07:41You've done a lot.
07:43Very thorough.
07:44It's, uh, beginning to sound like harassment.
07:52Well, I wanted to talk to you.
07:55I'm aware.
07:57Um, I just wanted to say that I stand by everything I've said.
08:04I've thought about it, and, um, this doesn't often happen to me, but, uh, I think I was right.
08:13I think you and I should accept that what happened between us was meaningful, but not in the way...
08:19Well, not... not in the way that I thought it to be meaningful.
08:24Can I speak?
08:25No.
08:27No.
08:27No.
08:29Yes, if you want to.
08:35You're hard.
08:35But you're not allowed to compliment me.
08:38Can you?
08:38Just, for instance, you were going to say that I was formidable or fantastic or even just interesting, or anything
08:48about how I look or how I am, then that wouldn't be okay to say.
08:52Why not?
08:53Why not?
08:54Why not?
08:56Why not?
08:56Why not?
08:56Why not?
08:56Why not?
08:57Let me just start from the beginning.
08:58The beginning and the end is that I changed my life for you.
09:04And you are not responsible for that, I really, I really hope I've made it clear that you are not
09:09responsible for that.
09:13It's just the truth.
09:14I found all of this very confusing.
09:18I apologise.
09:19I apologise.
09:20I also hope I've made it clear that it was all me and I do apologise for your confusion.
09:28But I wasn't all you.
09:30You're not allowed to say that, either.
09:31And what am I allowed to say?
09:37Have you been praying?
09:39About you?
09:40No.
09:42No, not about me.
09:44I just mean, have you been praying generally?
09:49I feel like I've been the cause of some spiritual undoing and I just...
09:56I just wanted to make sure that you've been, you've been praying again.
10:01You have been praying?
10:03Have you?
10:04Yes.
10:07I've also been going more regularly to Alcoholics Anonymous.
10:11It's not something I won't advertise, but something you probably guessed.
10:19Yeah, I did, um, do sense, and that's helpful.
10:26I think so.
10:27My sisters...
10:31...good people around me.
10:34You want to feel responsible.
10:37You shouldn't apologise, I should.
10:41I'm sorry.
10:42I've behaved towards you.
10:46I felt you made me feel things.
10:50I needed to know that.
10:53You made me feel things.
11:01Now, I'm trying to set myself right, I'm determined to be a good priest.
11:06At least the best priest I'm capable of being.
11:07I mean...
11:11...my confusion...
11:12...was not for you.
11:13It was...
11:15...you...
11:17...brought to light.
11:19Well, you've done a bit more than you bring to light.
11:26At AA, we tried to explain not who we are, but why we are.
11:32And...
11:33...I think...
11:34...you saw the who, but not the why.
11:39I think my understanding of what I should be has been...
11:42...I think I've been trying to help people in the wrong way.
11:46Um, which way is that?
11:48Saving people.
11:51Some...
11:51...addiction like any other.
11:55Oh...
11:56Oh...
12:22Wonderful is the word I would have used.
12:26It's right here, see you again.
12:37What if I see you first?
12:41What if I see you first?
13:20Is that you?
13:24Of course it's you.
13:26I'm due on shift.
13:28Oh, I've cooked.
13:30A disgusting idea, I know, but on the off chance you're not repulsed, there's half a shepherd's
13:34pie in the oven.
13:36You look like you're coming down with a cold.
13:39No, no I'm fine.
13:40You sure?
13:41What time are you back?
13:43Shift ends, 5am.
13:44Very lucky enough, come here.
13:47Eat the pie.
13:57Me.
13:59Middle, get 2 ahead of you, and we're going local for this one.
14:02In which English county do you find watcher?
14:06Seven.
14:07Not quite.
14:09Five.
14:10Correct, Sally.
14:12What currency would you use if you were holiday in Sweden?
14:39One!
14:41One!
14:43One!
15:11Can I have a glass of red wine, please?
15:13Oh, you've got a list if you want to...
15:14Oh, just the cheapest.
15:16Coming right up.
15:55Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
16:05Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
16:13Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
16:36Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
16:39Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
16:48Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:05Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:09Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:25Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:46Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:50Oh, you've got a glass of red wine.
17:55I'm getting irritated by the sound of my own thoughts.
17:59I know that feeling.
18:02Hi, Tony.
18:03Anna.
18:04Hi.
18:05Hi.
18:11Who are you with?
18:13My brother and his wife.
18:15They came here to get away from their kids.
18:17And they just want to talk about their kids.
18:22You've got children?
18:24Yeah.
18:25No, you?
18:25Yeah.
18:26Yeah.
18:27One.
18:27Ben.
18:27It's 11.
18:28He's mine and I, of course.
18:30It's tricky.
18:33Yeah.
18:34I can imagine.
18:37What do you do, Anna?
18:41I'm a cook.
18:46A cafe cook.
18:48Which cafe?
18:51Well, really, I just, I make, um, cakes and bakes and sell them to different cafes.
18:56There's just a home kitchen.
18:57Nothing big.
18:57Hmm.
18:59Keeps me going.
19:01Maybe.
19:02That's also your own wheels in my time.
19:04That's spicy lamb rolls.
19:06Mine especially.
19:07Alice.
19:11What do you do?
19:13I have a sister.
19:14I work for the city council.
19:18Oh, listen, I'm not very good at getting served.
19:21But, um, can I buy a drink?
19:31Uh, one more and I'll be drunk.
19:38I'm, um, to be honest, I am, uh, I'm a bit bored of this place.
19:45Have you, have you got somewhere we could go?
19:50Uh, sure.
19:51Uh, uh, if you want to go.
19:52Uh, there's no other food.
20:19Uh, there's no other food here, bro.
20:19Come on.
20:19No, no, no, no, no.
20:20No, no, no, no.
20:20Uh, I guess we're gonna be back here.
20:37Are you okay?
20:40I'll just say you're in great shape.
20:43Better shape than me.
21:03Are you okay?
21:05Am I going too fast?
21:11I'm sorry.
21:12This was your idea, wasn't it?
21:17It's not your idea.
21:19I'm sorry if I...
21:21No, it's not you. I'm sorry.
21:26It's okay. I like you.
21:28I can make a cup of tea.
21:32Some biscuits. Maybe we can talk about it.
21:35I...
21:40I can't.
21:41What are you going?
21:42Can I hear you?
21:45No.
21:49Anna?
21:52You've done nothing wrong with this.
21:54It's my mistake.
21:56Please, please don't.
21:57I don't want this.
22:00I'm not ready.
22:03I don't want this one.
22:07I'm hungry.
22:14You have to deal with something else.
22:17I don't want this one.
22:18I just want to talk about.
22:18I don't want this one.
22:21I don't want this one.
22:28You just want this one.
22:30I don't want this one.
22:30You just want this one.
22:30Oh, my God.
23:09Father Hicks, Father Bennett, call me William.
23:14David.
23:20Okay, so you'll be meeting him in the multi-faith room.
23:24It's up to you if you want someone in the room with you.
23:26I'll be okay.
23:27I think he generally needs one to cancel.
23:51God, stay now.
23:53You asked for me?
23:56Yes.
23:57I was surprised.
23:59Yeah.
24:04My hair's a priest.
24:07Where's the man?
24:10There's a priest.
24:18What do you want from me?
24:24I, um...
24:28They told me she's going to be okay.
24:33I asked if I could call her, but they said no.
24:37You thought they might allow it?
24:38I didn't know.
24:39That's why I asked.
24:40Why do you want to speak to her?
24:41Because I love her.
24:46I wanted to hear her voice.
24:47Here she was...
24:50Here she wasn't in too much pain.
24:54What pain did you cause?
24:59Yeah, I know, I know.
25:06Have you, um...
25:10Will you visit her?
25:12I have.
25:16And is she...
25:16She's in pretty bad shape.
25:21I don't know.
25:28I don't know...
25:31How to stop.
25:39If she gives evidence against me,
25:41they'll give me two years, maybe, and...
25:43I'll be released on condition
25:44that I'll stay away from her,
25:45but she'll find me,
25:46because that's her way,
25:48and then I'll just do it again.
25:50You assumed a lot of things in that statement.
25:51Of course you won't,
25:52and I'll find someone else.
25:57I can smell it on them.
26:00The woman.
26:04The women who won't say no,
26:07the women that'll take it,
26:08and I know who they are.
26:09Sounds like...
26:10Or what, you think there weren't others before her?
26:12Others during her?
26:16Yeah, it doesn't take a lot for me to get women.
26:19These hands have broken three jaws.
26:21I've stamped on hands.
26:22I've shattered legs,
26:23pelvises, eye sockets.
26:25One girl I almost ripped her ear clean off.
26:27What can you say to that?
26:28You sound almost proud.
26:30My mum.
26:33She wore it with a hunch.
26:37Walking around the house
26:38with a bunch of washing
26:39and a cheap plastic basket
26:40and this saggy face
26:42and this hunch.
26:47Like she was always waiting for the gut punch.
26:49Why did you want me to hear that?
26:51What's the question?
26:55I'm thinking I need to kill myself.
26:59And I know that that is a sin,
27:01but I'm thinking it's all that I've got.
27:06It is the only way to stop me.
27:14And the mashing for your guidance,
27:16the only way to the help
27:20and the rogue
27:26and the mashing for your guidance,
27:44Okay.
27:48I think that you need help.
27:51Tried it, it didn't work.
27:53I think you need to try again.
27:57Father Bennett told me of a counselling service here.
27:59No, no.
28:00I just want to hurt them too.
28:01They think they're so fucking clever.
28:02They never are.
28:03I am actually clever.
28:04I can see how fucking thick they are.
28:06And I won't have it.
28:08Do you think I'm clever?
28:10You?
28:10You're not as clever as you think.
28:14And you are weak.
28:21I can smile the booze on you now.
28:25I can smile the booze on you before.
28:32And I know you go to those meetings.
28:34I've got friends in those meetings and they know you're weak too.
28:38Why does it matter what I think?
28:39Because I have said this.
28:44You are my priest.
28:46I've never much felt like you're a priest.
28:49You can talk to any priest.
28:52Maybe someone was some distance.
28:54Father Bennett.
28:54I don't know them.
28:55They could be kiddie fiddlers.
28:56Or worse still, the pious fuckers who think that everything is easy.
29:00You're weak.
29:06But you're a good man.
29:08I've seen you.
29:09And I know you're good.
29:10And you have been good to my daughter.
29:14I trust your judgment.
29:17I don't want this last act to be a sin.
29:21I want it to be an act of penance.
29:23And God is not talking to me right now.
29:25So I need to know from you.
29:26I need to know that.
29:27I need to be sure that this is, um...
29:32That penance is right.
29:33I need to know that you're right.
29:45Good.
29:49Good.
29:50Yeah, you're sinking.
29:54Well, there it is.
29:55I know I've said all I want to say.
29:59I'll trust your word.
30:08Yes or no.
30:09First foster home I went to was fine,
30:13but they were only doing emergency care.
30:15Second was okay, but we didn't get on.
30:19Third foster family I went to, I was five.
30:24I lived there for two years until I was seven.
30:28The oldest kid there was 14.
30:32I won't give him his name because
30:35he doesn't deserve it.
30:37To be honest, I don't need to hear the personal stuff.
30:39He thought I made too much noise.
30:41He liked to pinch me.
30:44Just little hard pinches that no one saw.
30:47And I was a pretty scared child and I let him.
30:51And then it escalated a little.
30:55He'd punch me.
30:57Little rabbit punches, he'd call them.
31:00He'd push me off things and he'd...
31:04do everything he could.
31:06Little things to...
31:10He enjoyed my pain.
31:11I'm not finding this interesting.
31:13I just want to know.
31:13I didn't want to talk to my support worker about it
31:15because I thought it was this or an institution.
31:18And I had my own room with this family
31:20and I really enjoyed the food.
31:22And I had a couple of friends at school
31:24that I liked to play with.
31:26And then...
31:28the people who became my parents
31:30started to visit.
31:33And they were really special.
31:35Everyone could see.
31:37They...
31:38They...
31:38They...
31:38They smelled good.
31:40They were Catholic.
31:41Everyone knew that religious adopters
31:42were the best kind.
31:44The third time they visited,
31:47he...
31:47followed me into the toilet.
31:51And he slammed my head into the bowl
31:54and he held it.
31:54He tried to hold it into the water.
31:56He tried to drown me in the toilet water.
31:58But there wasn't enough water
32:00in the bottom of the bowl.
32:01And so he pushed his hands around my head
32:04and I was bleeding.
32:06He strangled me.
32:13He strangled me.
32:16So hard.
32:18I lost consciousness.
32:22I...
32:22I don't know how...
32:27I don't know who saved me.
32:32I was taken away from that foster family,
32:34immediately taken...
32:35actually taken into...
32:37the Catholics who adopted me.
32:43my point...
32:44my point is...
32:45actually I have two points.
32:47My first is I understand pain.
32:50I understand people who want to inflict pain.
32:55my second point...
32:58is that boy, me...
33:03I had no one...
33:05to talk to.
33:07No one.
33:10and I thought since then, I resolved I would never let anyone be alone like that, like I was again.
33:21but I think you do need to be alone, Phil.
33:27Penance is about change.
33:29It's not about ends.
33:33If you commit the same sin,
33:35you can't just clean it off.
33:36You can't think one act cleans the slate.
33:39It doesn't...
33:39God doesn't work like that.
33:42God loves.
33:43But God also expects.
33:44And what does he expect?
33:45He expects love.
33:49He expects...
33:50love.
33:52For yourself.
33:53And for others.
33:55And he expects you to be the best love.
33:59John 4, verse 8.
34:01Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.
34:04Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
34:16So no, no, I will not sit in judgment on your head.
34:20It's a sin how you've lived, and if you kill yourself, it'll be a sin how you die.
34:26But I will say this.
34:29Yeah, you're right.
34:30I am weak.
34:33But you are weaker.
34:35If you think you truly have no way of helping yourself.
34:41And I will be, I will do everything I can to help Bianca see this through, so you stay in
34:48here.
34:50For a very long time.
35:07And I will be, I will never cut.
35:39Hi. Hello. This is a surprise.
35:44I thought about calling. I didn't want to catch you unawares.
35:49You caught me unawares on your last visit, so fair's fair.
35:54And you're cooking.
35:56The James family invited us over. I thought I'd make my apple cake.
36:00Chris? Chris?
36:07Don't let me stop you.
36:10Do you want to help?
36:14Of course.
36:25Hello.
36:26She's helping me now. You can go back to your room.
36:30Nice to see you.
36:32And you, Dad.
36:32Are you well?
36:33We're cooking.
36:46That was an odd thing to do, wasn't it? I forgot I had some out.
36:51Sure.
36:53You decor and slice. I'll keep working on the rest of it.
36:57Okay.
37:01I've been making a yoghurt and apple cake, actually.
37:05And we had a farmer who had swapped me in.
37:12It doesn't matter.
37:15I hate it when you do that.
37:18When you're superior like that.
37:20It doesn't matter.
37:23I hate you with the arbiter of...
37:26I...
37:27I, um...
37:29I'm just...
37:29I'm just here to see you, Mum.
37:32I just want to...
37:34Help me make a cake.
37:42I like thin slices.
37:45Feels like they melt into the cake when they're thin.
37:51Okay.
38:11I need a lift, Dad.
38:13Okay.
38:16Where to?
38:43Hello, Father.
38:45Hello.
38:46Hello.
38:46Um...
38:47I just wondered if Anna...
38:49Whether I could talk to Anna.
38:52Um...
38:52No, I'm afraid you can't.
38:54Look, I know I've made mistakes.
38:56I just want to explain or try to set things right.
39:01Just talk to her.
39:02She's gone back.
39:04Back where?
39:14She, um...
39:15She left me a letter.
39:18Probably thought I'd try to convince her different.
39:27Do you want to come in?
39:28Do you want to come in?
39:28She's made a mistake.
39:32I think you've thought that a few times.
39:34She has.
39:37She took her skin off for you.
39:44Maybe she just wanted to put it on again.
39:49Feel safe again.
39:55Yeah?
40:06Anna?
40:11Oh, it is you.
40:13And looking so healthy.
40:15Polly.
40:15Look at that lovely hair.
40:18Hello, Polly.
40:20Hello, Agnes.
40:23I didn't think I'd see you again.
40:25You have light all through you.
40:45Hello.
40:49I...
40:50Are you, uh, in the middle of something or something?
40:53Shane, please.
40:57Please don't make this humiliating.
40:59I wasn't intending to.
41:03But...
41:03May I ask why?
41:07This is my home.
41:08No.
41:09It is a home of God.
41:17Did he reject you?
41:19No.
41:21Are you going to change your mind again?
41:24No.
41:25Sorry to ask.
41:26I hope you know why I have.
41:30Is there still a place for me?
41:34Of course there is.
41:37I can do good work here.
41:40You always did.
41:42I, uh...
41:44I have my habit.
41:47If you want to,
41:50you may push it back on.
41:55Yeah.
41:56You are loved here.
41:58And we are pleased you've found your way back.
42:04I love you, too.
42:08And...
42:09I will try not to expect you to be the same person now as you were when you left us.
42:17Though you do seem to be just as irritating.
42:21In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
42:25The Lord be with you.
42:26And with your spirit.
42:30Lord,
42:32we have sinned against you.
42:35Lord, have mercy.
42:37Lord, have mercy.
42:40Lord, have mercy.
42:41Lord, hear our prayer to fill us as you filled your Son with love.
42:45To fight the world.
42:48Help us...
42:52To...
42:54Help...
42:55Help...
42:56Help...
42:56Help us to...
42:58Amen.
43:00Amen.
43:02Show us.
43:05Show us your mercy and your love.
43:09And grant us your salvation.
43:15May Almighty God have mercy on us.
43:18Forgive our sins.
43:20And bring us to everlasting life.
43:24Amen.
43:26Amen.
43:46Amen.
43:55Amen.
44:12Amen.
44:14Amen.
44:43Amen.
44:44Amen.
44:55Amen.
44:57Amen.
45:00Amen.
45:01Amen.
45:02Amen.
45:04Amen.
45:04Amen.
45:04Amen.
45:05Amen.
45:05Amen.
45:06Amen.
45:06Amen.
45:06Amen.
45:07Amen.
45:07Amen.
45:08Amen.
45:08Amen.
45:09Amen.
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