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00:01It was that time of year again, Mr. Teesside Beauty Pageant, a competition based on beauty,
00:09talent and bulges.
00:11Every town in the Tees Valley was eligible, and every man and his dog wanted that cash
00:16prize.
00:1720,000 big ones, and the men at Teesside will do anything, and I mean anything, to
00:25win that title.
00:46You want to say me?
00:51You took your time?
00:54I couldn't remember where I put my favourite Trilby.
00:56Take a seat.
01:07What's Mr. Teesside?
01:08Only the biggest competition in the Teess Valley.
01:16Alright, and what's that gotta do with me?
01:23This is my master plan, Bobby.
01:27I've been working on this for a number of years, and I've finally figured out the formula.
01:37formula for what?
01:40The formula to win...
01:43Mr. Teesside!
01:50Right?
01:53Let me introduce you to one of the finalists of Mr. Teesside, representing my beautiful
02:01hometown.
02:02I'll stop.
02:04Looks like he's not gonna make it to the competition.
02:10So that's where you come in, Bobby.
02:12But why me?
02:13I'm not even from Teesside, I'm from South Shields.
02:15Not anymore!
02:19Listen very closely.
02:23Can I just stop you?
02:25I'm sorry to interrupt, but is this all true?
02:29You're unvowed.
02:31That just feels a bit far-fetched and overly stylised.
02:35I'm trying to create a bit of drama for you, babe.
02:38I know you tabloid people love a bit of sensationalism.
02:42Well, we're not really about that here at the North East Journal.
02:45Our readers appreciate the truth, so what I'm more interested in is what happened at the competition itself,
02:49and more importantly, the cheating scandal that occurred.
02:52Well, in that case, I'll start at the very beginning.
02:56It's a very good place to start, Jake.
02:58I remember it like it was yesterday.
03:07I still couldn't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:11had made it to the final of Mr. Teesside.
03:13I still can't believe that Stuart, the human embodiment of a perverted rat,
03:16has made it to the final of Mr. Teesside.
03:18Oi, stop being such a bitter old queen just because you didn't get chosen.
03:21Ma'am, do you think we'll make it on time?
03:24I can't email saying that the duck points if we're late.
03:26I've gone as fast as I can, chick.
03:28Oh, stay still, Stuart. This stubble's going everywhere.
03:31I can't help it. Why do I need stubble?
03:33Listen, hon, I've been to Mr. Teesside every year for a decade,
03:36so I know what makes a winner, and as lovely as your smooth baby-faced skin is,
03:40I know for a fact that those horny judges love a bit of rough.
03:43I've got all your outfits in that suitcase, so I'll come backstage and help you change.
03:46Oh, thanks Lucinda. You really don't need to do all this for me.
03:50I'm not going to lie, hon, I'm actually doing it for all of us.
03:53If you were Mr. Teesside, you'd be able to get us into every VIP area in the Teess Valley.
03:58Oh, you're joking, aren't you?
03:59What's the matter?
04:00That friggin' speed comm has just flashed at me.
04:02I think it's the wrong one!
04:04Oh!
04:05OK, now.
04:06I'll shit myself.
04:07You OK, Sal?
04:09I'm sorry, lads. I must have been dreaming.
04:13Here, how we getting on, ma'am?
04:15I told Mel I'd meet her half an hour ago.
04:17We're supposed to be on stage now.
04:18We're just round the corner, chick.
04:20My God.
04:21I'm trapped by shit myself.
04:23You'd be amazing, hon.
04:26I was profoundly grateful when we arrived at the venue,
04:28as the stench of Stuart's desperation had contaminated the air inside the ice cream van.
04:33Come on, you lot. In you go.
04:43Isn't that Nan?
04:44What's that haggard old wench doing here?
04:47I don't know, but she's looking proper shifty.
04:49I think she's with the Mr. Stockton finalist.
04:51He looks familiar.
04:55Why was Nan acting so suspicious?
04:58Who was that bald, muscly twink?
05:00I had to investigate.
05:02And I instantly knew who to call.
05:04This was the job.
05:07For Detective Sexy.
05:12I mean, you definitely weren't that quick getting into that costume.
05:14Did I interrupt you?
05:15Haven't let anyone else talk?
05:18I'm blind!
05:19Sorry about this.
05:29The smell of beer-saturated carpets and excited menopausal women could mean only one thing.
05:36Mr. Teesside.
05:46There was something really slippery about Mr. Stockton.
05:49And I just had to find out who he was.
06:00That's the only thing with calling on Detective Sexy.
06:03No matter how hard she tries to stay undercover.
06:07The straight lads can't get enough.
06:14Um, I don't remember that happening actually Dickie.
06:16Yeah well I don't remember you happening Stuart.
06:18What?
06:18What?
06:20Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
06:22Maybe I could just get a brief summary from someone else.
06:26How about you?
06:27I'll start at the very beginning.
06:28It's a pretty good place to start, Chick.
06:31We were on the way to the Mr. Teesside beauty pageant.
06:35I could not believe I'd been picked to represent Borough.
06:37It seemed like a lifetime ago that I'd submitted my audition video
06:40where I tap danced to Meghan Trainers all about that bass for Middlesbrough Council.
06:45And now here we were on the way to the final.
06:49Ma'am, do you think we're going to make it on time?
06:51I've got an email saying they'll deduct points if we're late.
06:54I'm going as fast as I can, Chick.
06:57Stay still Stuart, the stubble's going everywhere.
07:00Oh you're joking aren't you?
07:01I think it's the wrong one!
07:04Come on you lot, in you go.
07:08It was magical inside.
07:11People had gathered from all over the Tees Valley.
07:13Some had even come all the way from Hartlepool.
07:16You're late, Mr. Middlesbrough.
07:18He'll be appointed deducted for that.
07:20Come with me.
07:24This is the station.
07:25We're starting soon to get ready to go on.
07:27The six contestants from the Tees Valley that had made it to the final
07:30were getting ready backstage.
07:35Just as I thought.
07:36What?
07:37It's Nad here on the judging panel again.
07:39She never misses a year.
07:40She's the one you've got to impress Stuart.
07:42She has the most influence
07:44and she's the one who likes them rough and ready and hairy.
07:48Well I've got my stubble on.
07:50We're going to need more than stubble.
07:53Ma?
07:56I know for a fact she loves a hairy chest.
08:00Get this on.
08:02Yes.
08:04Should we go?
08:06Oh you've got to be kidding me.
08:09Not this tutting tit.
08:10Oh hi guys.
08:13Didn't realise you were in the final Stuart.
08:15Congrats.
08:16You too Neil.
08:22Okay.
08:23Well I'd better go to my station.
08:25Get ready for the first round.
08:49I'm starting to find it a bit weird you bring this costume everywhere you go hun.
08:53Listen.
08:53There's something unsavoury going on.
08:55I'm not talking about Stuart's aftershave.
08:57What you on about?
08:59That bald lad over there.
09:00Mr Stockton.
09:01He arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
09:04If he does anything out of the ordinary.
09:06Let me know.
09:08Okie dokie hun.
09:10Okie.
09:13Ahhhh!
09:16You alright chick?
09:17What happened Sal?
09:18Fell back off my chest you.
09:20You okay hun?
09:22Oh aye.
09:25Why don't you tell us what you remember about the competition?
09:28Alright babe.
09:29I suppose it's best that I start at the very beginning.
09:32It's not such a bad place to start chick.
09:46So which colour wire do I cut like?
09:48Try the green one babe.
09:51There isn't a green one.
09:52I go yellow.
09:54What would you do Stuart?
09:55No that's me I'm colour blind.
09:56Ten seconds left Lucinda help me out.
09:59I've got a red horn.
10:00Are you sure?
10:01Never been more sure of anything.
10:09I think it's the wrong one.
10:11I think it's the wrong one.
10:12I'm kidding now.
10:14You okay Sal?
10:15Listen then.
10:16I don't mean to be rude but I don't need to know what sudden dreams you've had.
10:20Not even the sex dream involving Hillary Clinton and Claire Starmer.
10:23Why don't I take over hun? I have the memory of an elephant.
10:25Go ahead.
10:27I'll start at the very beginning.
10:29It's a bountiful place to start chick.
10:31I think I've got a good idea of what-
10:32I was buzzing when Stuart told me he made it through to the final of Mr Teesside.
10:37I felt like we had a real advantage because I have been to every single Mr Teesside that has ever
10:42been.
10:43So I knew how to win.
10:45Stay still Stuart this double's going everywhere.
10:47Sorry to interrupt but I've already heard this detail and I don't have a lot of time so if you
10:50don't-
11:02Oh fairy cakes are ready.
11:06Anyone fancy a fairy cake?
11:08Oh yes please!
11:10For fuck's sake!
11:12We're just about to finally get to the next part of the fucking story!
11:16I'm sorry Jake.
11:18Listen.
11:19Why don't I take over from here?
11:21Fine.
11:22But please.
11:23Just get to the point.
11:27Oh!
11:28Right.
11:28I'll start at the very beginning.
11:30No!
11:31Stop starting at the fucking beginning you morons!
11:34Someone doesn't want a fairy cake.
11:36Please.
11:37Please.
11:38If you wouldn't mind.
11:39Just go on from the point with the competition starting.
11:42Well you see.
11:43I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
11:58Mom?
11:59What are you wearing?
12:00What the hell?
12:01I wanted to be a sexy detective as well.
12:03Hey.
12:04We could be a sexy detective duo like Cagney and Lacey or Shakespeare and Hathaway.
12:13Good afternoon everyone and welcome to Mr. Teesside.
12:21Brought to you by Rockard Energy Products.
12:24It's just glorious we can all gather here annually to celebrate the talent, brains and anatomies of our wonderful men
12:33from all across the Tees Valley.
12:35So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage your Mr. Teesside finalists!
12:48Mr. Teesside, you're the future, you're the pride.
12:54Mr. Teesside, now you stand here side by side.
13:00And the gift you leave behind is the promise of tomorrow for our children.
13:14For our children.
13:19Let's get fucking wild, ladies!
13:28Please, make some noise for Mr. Hartley Pooh!
13:37Mr. Darlington!
13:43Mr. Stockton!
13:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
13:57Come on, ladies!
14:01Meanwhile, backstage, I was lint-rolling Stuart's shorts ready for the short shorts round which was coming up shortly, when
14:06I suddenly remembered what Dickie said.
14:09That bald lad over there, Mr. Stockton.
14:12He arrived with Nan and they were being all suspicious.
14:15If he does anything out of the ordinary, let me know.
14:18Sorry babe, I'm a bit confused.
14:20Is this a flashback within a flashback?
14:22Yes hun, keep up.
14:24Anyway, I decided this was the perfect snooping opportunity to rummage through the bald muscly twink's bag.
14:31Who wants some bald ladleys?
14:34The first up, please, Mr. Hartley Pooh!
14:53Mr. Middlesbrough!
14:58Who?
15:03Mr. Middlesbrough!
15:05I don't know what's happened to him.
15:08Look what I found!
15:09It's Bobby!
15:11I knew I recognised him!
15:13He's not from Stockton, is he?
15:15He's not even from Teastide, he's from South Fucking Shields!
15:17Stuart!
15:19Practice this! Get your legs above your head!
15:25That poison thing has, because Pointless is stiff as a bloody bard!
15:29Who's ready for some short shorts?!
15:33I've got to go and let Stuart into the short shorts.
15:37There was something massively afoot.
15:40It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous to investigate.
15:45So ridiculous.
15:46You are?
15:47I don't know why you chose that name.
15:49What's wrong with it?
15:50I don't know, it's just a bit...
15:52It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?
15:54Oh yeah, because Detective Sexy rolls right off that frigging tongue.
15:57Anyway, I just about managed to squeeze Stuart's govacious Kardashian ass cheeks into the smallest shorts I could find.
16:03And even though the shorts were short, the points were massive!
16:14There is a clear winner in the short shorts round ladies!
16:22Mr. Stockton!
16:33And as it's tradition, I will also announce the longest shorts!
16:37And therefore the pathetic shithead loser off his round.
16:41And that person is...
16:42Mr. Hartley Poole!
16:48Long shorts, wanker!
16:53Oh!
16:53Will we have this for dinner tonight?
16:55Oh yeah!
16:56Will we have beans with it as well?
16:58Oh yeah!
16:59So, it was the talent round next.
17:01And I think this was the moment Nan was hoping to clinch a win for Mr. Stockton.
17:05Because Bobby has one of the most beautiful voices.
17:09What the hell's Stuart?
17:10Why don't you just marry him?
17:16All right ladies!
17:26When I am down and all my soul so weary
17:33When troubles come and my heart burdened
17:42And I am still in wait here in the silence
17:50Until you come and stay a while with me
17:57You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:07You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
18:18Bobby had blown it
18:23But Nan had other evil tricks up her sleeve
18:29She told Nadia that Shirley Ballas was on the phone
18:32To compliment her judging skills
18:37And apparently that Nadia is a total slut for compliments
18:53Oh, I'm going for a piss
19:05Hey, hang on
19:06Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
19:09I am, babe
19:10I've tried telling him before his dog's shite at tap dancing
19:12But for some reason he keeps doing it
19:14No, look
19:16It's Nan, disguised as one of the judges
19:19Oh, shit
19:19Be right back
19:23Hiya, chick
19:23Lads, Nan somehow managed to get onto the judging panel
19:27You're kidding me
19:28So that was her plan all along
19:31She's trying to fix Mr. Teesside so that Bobby wins
19:34And she can get all the prize money
19:40Oh, that's lovely, that
19:42We had all the evidence we needed
19:45It was time for Detective Sexy and Inspector Voluptuous
19:48To blow Mr. Teesside wide open
19:50The talent round was over
19:53It was now
19:54Or never
19:57Ladies
19:58The judges have deliberated
20:01And we have a unanimous decision
20:06The winner
20:10Of Mr. Teesside is
20:19Stop
20:20Stop the competition
20:25I hope you'll all
20:27Excuse my intrusion
20:29But my name is Detective Sexy
20:32And whilst you've all been enjoying the show
20:35I've been carrying out a very
20:37Extensive investigation
20:39Into a crime
20:40And the results
20:41May have come as a shock to some of you
20:46You see
20:48Not everything
20:49Is as it seems
20:51Somebody on this stage
20:53Is a fraud
21:05In my brassiere
21:08I have the driving licence
21:10Of Mr. Stockton
21:12Or should I say
21:13Mr. South Shields
21:16That's right
21:17Mr. Stockton isn't even from Stockton
21:20He isn't even from the Tees Valley
21:23South Shields, what name?
21:25Let me call you by your real name
21:27Bobby
21:29How do you know?
21:31I'm wearing a ball cap
21:33But let's not be too harsh on Bobby ladies
21:36Because Bobby was merely a puppet
21:39In somebody else's porn
21:41The real puppet master
21:44Is operating under our very noses
21:46In plain light
21:48Yeah, it's Nanya
21:50She's right there
21:50Ma'am?
21:52I was about to do a whole dramatic thing
22:00You found me out
22:05Bo-ho-ho
22:07Clever little gay boys
22:11Well let's see
22:13How clever you are
22:15Now
22:16She's gone
22:17Go on
22:27Give me the twenty grand cash
22:31Or I'll blow your bastard balls off
22:36We haven't got the cash here
22:38You are
22:39I mean it's in the bank
22:41In the bank
22:42In the bank
22:50What's the matter with yous?
22:57You never seen a gun go off before?
22:59You budger wolf libtards
23:03That didn't happen, did it?
23:04Actually
23:05It did
23:06Yeah
23:07She got arrested and everything
23:10I would have gotten away with it
23:11If it wasn't for those pesky days
23:13You'll regret this
23:15You'll all regret this
23:18What's your head, son?
23:20Oh, jeez, mate
23:20Thanks very much
23:21Really appreciate it
23:28Dickie?
23:29Is that?
23:31Yeah
23:32I think it is
23:41Your gig phone
23:42Gig phone?
23:44Gig phone?
23:44It's a gig phone?
23:45It's a burner phone
23:46Whatever dickie gets booked for a drag show
23:49It comes straight through to that line
23:51I forgot you had it, to be honest, chick
23:53Well, answer it!
23:58Hello?
24:00Yeah
24:02Yeah
24:03Yeah
24:04No, that's
24:06Yeah
24:07Thanks
24:09Thanks for letting me know
24:10Okay
24:11Bye
24:13Who was that like?
24:14Guys
24:15I've got a drag gig!
24:17Yeah
24:18Yeah
24:19Oh, it's a big one
24:21Oh, it's a big one
24:22Oh, it's a big one
24:24Oh, it's a big one
24:24Oh, it's a big one
24:24Oh, dickie!
24:24What the fuck is Tomah?
24:26Oh, you know what?
24:28Oh, you know what?
24:28Woo!
24:29Oh, yes
24:30That was great
24:31What the fuck is Tomah?
24:36So, when will it be published?
24:39I just need to process it
24:43So how did you leave it then?
24:45With this Neil?
24:46Well, I haven't actually told these guys yet
24:49But
24:59Life's too short
25:01You what, Neil?
25:03That's what I was thinking
25:03When we were about to be shot
25:06Life's too short
25:08Okay, Horne
25:10You've got to follow your dreams now
25:11Or it might be too late
25:15So
25:17With that in mind
25:22What are you doing?
25:24Lucinda
25:33Due to me the greatest honor
25:36Of being my wife
25:49Well?
25:50What did you say?
26:01Lucinda
26:03What are you doing?
26:12Lucinda
26:13Would you do me the greatest honor?
26:17Of being my wife?
26:25Well?
26:26What did you say?
26:27I was like, no fucking way, Neil
26:29I've known you for less than a year
26:30You freak
26:32Can you be quite pleased with Lucinda?
26:33I need you to focus
26:35My drag show is in four hours
26:36And you're not going to know what to do in the show
26:38If you keep chatting
26:40Mum, are you all good with the sound cues?
26:41About that
26:43I'm not going to be able to make the show dicky
26:44What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show?
26:47It's that flipping speed camera
26:49They're making me do a speed awareness course and it clashes
26:51What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
26:52Here, let me text Mel
26:54She's good with lesbian stuff like that
26:57And what about the end of the show?
26:58You're meant to be lifting me up for my big show stopping finale number
27:01Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together?
27:04I went to the gym last Tuesday
27:06Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart
27:07Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me up with your head
27:10You need to calm down, hun
27:11You're not performing at the Palladium for God's sake
27:13Well I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude Lucinda
27:16Fear not dicky chicky
27:17The course only lasts an hour
27:18So I shall be able to shoot back and make the end of the show
27:21Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dixter?
27:24It's just a show
27:25It's not just a show, Sal, you silly knobhead
27:28Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along so it needs to go well
27:33Ooh, that's exciting, have any replied?
27:37Well, you could say that
27:39What does that mean?
27:41Well, I've had a few out of office supplies
27:45Right, let's go again from the top please
27:47Come on
27:48First positions, everyone
27:52When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel
28:04What's it looking like out there, Sal?
28:06It's filling up, babe
28:07Think you'll have a good crowd
28:08Hey, can you see any agents?
28:10It's hard to tell
28:11Is Mel here yet?
28:12Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front
28:14She better not fuck this up for me, Sal
28:16I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time
28:19Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today
28:22Hope you don't mind
28:23You could have told me first, Dicky
28:24I'm still not talking to him
28:25I'm sure you'll cope, babe
28:27Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre
28:29I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am
28:31Yes, Chick
28:33Chekov, Pinter, Zoopla
28:35I've done a lot
28:36Monologues coming out my arse
28:37I'd love to hear one of your monologues
28:39Can you remember any?
28:41It's been such a long time
28:42No worries, that makes sense
28:44June 15, 1856
28:50Wilbur went together, eggs in the barn
28:53And when he walked back in
28:56He was crying
28:58I said
28:59What on God's green earth does that matter, Wilbur?
29:04He pointed at the window
29:06I looked out
29:10It was raining
29:12Raining for the first time in 15 years
29:17Wilbur was crying with joy
29:20At the fact that Crops could finally have
29:23A chance for a life
29:26Oh, wow, beautiful performance now
29:29Wow, man, amazing
29:29Second absolutely exceptional
29:30Oh, friggin' hell
29:31Gotta get going
29:32About this friggin' speed awareness course
29:34Oh, promise me you'll be back in time for the finale
29:36You've got to lift me up, remember?
29:37Course, Chick
29:38Ta-ra!
29:38Bye, man
29:39See you later, sir
29:42Heya, Dickie
29:42Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute
29:45Oh, absolutely no problems
29:46Burbs
29:47Luckily I had a small window in my schedule
29:50Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us
29:52Anyway
29:53I think they're all in now
29:54So, whenever you're ready
29:56I'm ready
29:57Eh?
29:58You said that was some determination
30:02I'm ready
30:04Ladies and gentlemen
30:05And all those in between
30:07Please put your hands together
30:10For
30:12Dickie
30:22Yes, it's me
30:24Dickie
30:27And I'm finally getting married
30:29And not just to anyone
30:30I'm getting married
30:31I'm getting married to a duke
30:34I'm getting married
30:37I'm getting married
30:39To a duke
30:41To who?
30:42To a duke
30:44Oh!
30:45Oh and look, my bridesmaids are here
30:47And they're telling me how beautiful I look
30:50You look beautiful
30:51You look beautiful
30:51Very nice, yeah
30:52They won't upstage me though
30:54Because they're disgusting
30:56I'm getting married
30:59I'm getting married
31:00To a duke
31:02To who?
31:04To a duke
31:05Oh!
31:07You'll bring me flowers in the morning
31:10You'll kiss my cheek without pre-warning
31:13And then we'll fuck
31:16And then we'll fuck
31:18We will dance in the rain
31:21He'll make me feel
31:22Insane
31:25AHHHHH
31:29I'm getting married
31:30I'm getting married
31:33To a duke
31:43Sorry chick
31:44Am I in the right place for the speed awareness course?
31:47Yeah, alright
31:47Take a seat
31:49Hey, what are you doing here?
31:50Well, don't give a shit
31:54Right, away then, settle down
31:58Welcome to the speed awareness course
31:59My name's Vanessa Yarris
32:00And over the next couple of hours
32:02I will be attempting to help you all pass the course
32:05Failure to pass means
32:06You'll have your driving licence taken off you
32:08And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today
32:11I will be clamping the fucking thing
32:12So, are you about to pass?
32:15Sorry chick, did you just say the next couple of hours?
32:18I thought this course was supposed to be 60 minutes
32:21Well it would be 60 minutes
32:22If you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour
32:25But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch
32:29Right, first things first
32:31Do any of you zone a Toyota Yarris?
32:36I used to have one, but I sold it last year
32:38Why on earth would you do that?
32:43I'm sorry I'm late
32:44I was so scared to get caught speeding again
32:45That I ended up driving 10 mile an hour the whole way here
32:48Whoa, whoa, whoa!
32:49Where do you think you're off to?
32:52Er... something's come up
32:54Well FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave
32:57And that means no more driving for you for the next year
33:09Let me take you back to chapter one, my childhood
33:23When I was young, I was a skinny porpa boy living on the streets of Middlesbrough
33:29And my best friend was a small weird rat
33:39Oh Ratty, I love hanging around with you
33:42Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am
33:45I know that I could never be as repulsive as you
33:49You're right Dicky, I'm a grotesque ugly rat
33:52Who shits himself on an hourly basis
33:55Hey, I've got an idea
33:57Let's be blood brothers
34:04And then we drank each other's blood
34:07And I got a horrendous rat disease
34:12Just don't get why it's always at least half an hour later
34:15Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
34:17Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him
34:21Plus he mentioned he's got an actor playing me in the show
34:23And I want to see who he's got
34:26There it is, the truth comes out
34:27It's actually all about you
34:29Oh come on, let's just go in
34:30I couldn't think of anything worse
34:32Than watching that absolute loser show
34:34In an old Volkswagen babe
34:35Yeah go on
34:36I'll wait in the car
34:37Well suit yourself
34:43Oh my god, I'm absolutely buzzing
34:44They can't get enough of me out there
34:46Or did you see that guy in the front row
34:47He was proper dancing along
34:48He was actually having a seizure Dicky
34:50You had to wheel him out
34:52Did anyone see any agents?
34:54I was trying to have a look
34:55But it's hard when you're in the zone
34:57Do you know what I mean?
34:57Maybe, I was also in the zone
34:59So I didn't really notice
35:00I suppose there was people there that could have been agents
35:02When they were younger
35:03You know it's true what they say isn't it?
35:06There really is no business like show business
35:09Oi!
35:11How long are you lot going to be in here?
35:14I can't hear myself think
35:17Hiya Dicky
35:17Oh thank Christ you're here Gary
35:19Did you get the script I sent you?
35:20I did yeah
35:21I was hoping it'd be time for us to sit down together
35:24Possibly go through a few changes
35:25Fraid not babes
35:26I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway
35:28It's the story of my life
35:29It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with
35:32Oh, gotta hold yourself Gary
35:34It's called acting
35:36Sorry Dicky
35:37I was under the impression it was just going to be like a 20 minute drag show
35:40Not an autobiographical musical
35:43The residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers
35:46So if you could just speed things up a bit kid I'd really appreciate that
35:50Thank you
35:52Did you hear that?
35:53They're gagging for me to get back on stage
35:55Come on then you lot
35:57The show must go on
35:59Wanna watch the show Beryl?
36:01No, not for me
36:03I can't stand drag queens
36:06Fruity twats
36:08Fair enough Barb
36:11Brum Brum
36:14This is the steering wheel of truth
36:16And when you're holding it
36:18I want the honest truth from all of you about why you chose to speed
36:27OK
36:29Well, my name is Paula
36:31I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone
36:34Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
36:37No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20
36:38You see, I've just moved back to the area
36:40And when I lived here before it was 30
36:42I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton
36:46Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please
36:50My name is Mum
36:52And what is your truth, Mum?
36:55I don't think you can handle my truth
36:59Well, I think I'll be okay
37:01All right
37:02The truth is I have struggled every day for the past 15 years
37:05Because the mother of my child decided to take my son away from me
37:10Right
37:11And what speed were you doing?
37:13Well, my truth is that the husband I loved
37:15He'd been lying to me about who he was for our entire marriage
37:19May I remind the group
37:20How extremely difficult it was to come out back then
37:24All I wanted was acceptance
37:25And all I got was rejection
37:26I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms
37:30And being suddenly told that your husband of 10 years
37:33Has never actually found you sexually attractive
37:36Can feel pretty damn rejecting
37:43Oh, fucking hell
37:45What the fuck was that?
37:46It's called hazard perception, mate
37:48Today, it was just a ball
37:50Tomorrow, could be a child
37:57Chapter 5
37:59Coming out
38:00You know, guys
38:01Not a lot of people know this about me
38:03Because I'm such a confident, horny guy
38:06But coming out to my family was hard
38:08There was one family member in particular
38:10Who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality
38:13Uncle Gary
38:18I loved Uncle Gary
38:20I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays
38:21One day I thought
38:22You know what? Fuck it
38:24I'm gonna come out to him
38:28Hey Uncle Gary
38:30Hello Dicky
38:35I hate all homosexuals
38:39And on another note
38:40I was just in the area
38:41And thought I'd pop in
38:42And see if you fancied coming to watch your game at the pub this weekend
38:45What do you mean by game?
38:47Croquet?
38:48Nah mate, the footy
38:51Oh, that
38:53I guess I'll think about it
38:55Anyway, I gotta tell you something
38:58I'm gay
39:00Right
39:01Well in that case
39:02I don't want anything to do with you
39:05You
39:06Massive Willy Wolfman
39:11So there I was
39:14Cast out by my uncle
39:16Hoist by my own petard
39:18What was a young, virile homosexual to do?
39:22But then suddenly I had a brainwave
39:24I had to go straight
39:25God, if I was straight
39:27Maybe, maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me
39:41So, you been keeping well?
39:43I'd prefer it if we didn't talk
39:45Right, no problem
39:48I don't even know what you want from me
39:50I thought you didn't want to talk
39:51I don't
39:55Don't get why you're here
39:57I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone
40:01Not here
40:02Here
40:03Look
40:05Look
40:05I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry
40:08And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
40:11Forcing all my friends to disown me?
40:13Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert
40:15right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
40:17Or simply the fact you took my son away
40:18and moved to bury St fucking Edmunds?
40:20I didn't know how to cope with it
40:22I mean, I'd never met a gay person before
40:24You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto
40:26It wasn't easy for me either
40:28I loved you and you've been lying to me
40:30I wasn't as simple as that
40:32Really?
40:43It was a weird time
40:52I didn't know who I was
40:53I didn't even know what I was
40:56And so yes
40:58I lied about certain things
41:00And for that
41:02I'm sorry
41:05But one thing I didn't lie about
41:07Was the love I had for you
41:11I friggin' loved you Paula
41:14And I loved you
41:16I still love our son
41:19I never wanted Ed to be without his dad
41:21I was just trying to protect him
41:22Protect him from what?
41:24The scary big wig, the evil eyeliner, the terrifying tits
41:27This one
41:27From the bullies at his school
41:30Who tormented him when they found out about you
41:34He was bullied?
41:35You didn't know that, did you?
41:40I thought I was doing the right thing at the time
41:43For Ed and for me
41:44But I wasn't
41:46It was wrong
41:47And I'm really, really sorry
41:53Ow!
41:55How's it perception mate?
41:58How do I do it you guys?
42:00I can't be straight
42:02I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy
42:06I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy
42:10Mel!
42:11What's your cue?
42:16How do I become the man
42:18Uncle Gary wants me to be?
42:22How do I do it?
42:25What do I do to do it?
42:29Come on Dicky
42:30You've been in the closet before
42:32It's time to climb back in
42:35If I want to become straight
42:37I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys
42:40But what sort of things do they wear?
42:44Wait, I got it
42:47Boot cut jeans
42:50I remember boot cut jeans
42:55How you guys
42:56Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right
43:00What sort of things do these straight guys say?
43:05Come on Dicky
43:06Think!
43:08Wait, I've got it
43:11She's fit
43:13That lass over there is fit
43:17I like her boom
43:19And her boobs
43:21And her mascara
43:25Guys
43:26I don't want to jinx it but
43:28I think I'm straight
43:30Black up your daughters
43:32I'm coming for your daughters
43:37I'm coming for your daughters
43:38Give me your daughters
43:57Give me your daughters
44:04And where the hell's Neil?
44:06Oh thank Christ, what time did you call this Neil?
44:08Sorry Dicky, weirdly a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here
44:12One of them took my shoe
44:15I haven't got time for your excuses Neil
44:17Here, this is the script
44:19You're playing the role of Harrison
44:20I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand
44:22So familiarise yourself with it please
44:24Sal, I need you to get hold of mum and find out how long she's going to be
44:27Aye aye Captain
44:30Remember Neil
44:31Don't be shit
44:33Good lord
44:35Right, do you want the good news or the bad news?
44:38Bad news is
44:39I've got to stay this
44:41Again
44:42And the good news is
44:44It's the end of the course and you've all passed
44:46Fucking getting!
44:48Except for you
44:49What?
44:50By me?
44:50Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do should be allowed to drive
44:54You sold your Yaris
44:56Clearly you're not right in the fucking head
45:00Laters!
45:03Hey you fucking moron
45:05Hey you fucking moron
45:07Hey you fucking moron
45:08Hey you fucking moron
45:14I heard you might be about
45:18Lucinda
45:19Lucinda I'm so glad to see you
45:20I've got something to show you
45:21What is it Neil?
45:23Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
45:25Well...
45:26Are you kidding me?
45:27Oh no look!
45:31Coriander?
45:31No it's meant to say Lucinda
45:35I suppose I can sort of see that
45:43Well are you going to kiss or not?
45:47Chapter 17
45:49Heartbreak
45:50I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart
45:54Well his name was Harrison
46:06Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me
46:10Which I thought was cruel
46:13Albeit true
46:15Hello Harrison my love
46:16Oh hi
46:17You fucking moron
46:19I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen
46:23But I'm dropping you like a sack of shit
46:26No! No! Don't do this!
46:28Think about the life we built together
46:30Get to fuck
46:34Sick of being the ugly one in this relationship
46:37I can't help my beauty
46:39See?
46:39Yeah! That's not how it happened
46:45I've literally just come out Salchick
46:47I'm sprinting all the way now
46:49Okay, see you in a bit
46:50The absolute bellend!
46:53Need a lift?
46:57No, I'll manage, thanks
47:02Hi chick!
47:03Where the hell are you?
47:04We're nearly at the finale
47:05I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time
47:08We need your strong arms for the ending
47:10Um
47:11Um
47:12Um
47:17I'm not one to judge babe
47:18But you have missed a couple of my cues
47:21I'm trying my hardest mate
47:22But your cue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow
47:25Excuse, excuses
47:32I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years
47:42Listen, before you shoot off
47:44I wanted to give you something
47:53Fine
47:53He's a proper adult now and everything
47:58Thanks for the lift
48:02I know those are my earrings by the way
48:05Fine to keep them
48:10Ooh
48:14My wedding to the Duke is finally here
48:18But who is the Duke? I hear you all cry
48:23Oh, here he is now
48:26Who is the Duke?
48:29The Duke
48:31Is me
48:32Because the person I've grown to love
48:35Is myself
48:44That's right boys
48:47Dickey's back
48:49Dickey never even left
48:51Hey you guys
48:52You wanna know a secret?
48:54Yeah
48:55I had an epiphany today
48:58What was your epiphany, Dickey?
49:00You really wanna know my epiphany?
49:02Yeah
49:03Cooey
49:05Oh, it's you
49:07Alright Arabella, what are you doing here?
49:09Oh, just picking up Mel
49:11We've got a hot date tonight
49:13Right
49:19Probably gonna be a real steamy sesh tonight if you catch my drift
49:25That's great to hear babe
49:28Okay, I'll tell ya
49:29My epiphany was
49:31That I don't need no man
49:33You wanna know why?
49:35Cause I'm in love with Matt Dale
49:43You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this but Mel isn't into weird mole creatures so I'd give
49:50up now if I were you
49:52Are you taking the piss?
49:53No babe, I'm not taking the piss
49:57Read my lips
49:59She's not going to fuck you
50:04Go away then dickhead, let's go!
50:07Come here!
50:08Get you filthy hands off me!
50:09God Maiden Chelsea, cow!
50:12Lift me higher boys
50:15Higher for fucks sake
50:16We're trying!
50:18You're too heavy!
50:19Let the whole world see
50:23But I don't need a man
50:25Cause I got me
50:27I'm in love
50:28I'm in love
50:29I'm in love
50:30I'm in love
50:31I'm in love
50:31You stupid ladders!
50:32You stupid ladders!
50:33I'm in love with myself
50:39Fuckin' hell!
50:42She is a fuckin' liar in the tea
50:43I'm not joking babe
50:44The sooner we leave this shithole town the better
51:03What a show!
51:05Listen, I was wondering if you had representation
51:09That was the whole point of today but nobody showed up
51:11Ah, the name's Shingles
51:14Barry Shingles
51:15From Shingles Associates
51:18I'd like to buy you a coffee
51:20And have a chat about representing you
51:22No way!
51:23Barry, come on
51:24Get over Joe your meds
51:26He's got a business card and everything
51:28It's a cheese slice mate
51:31The name's Shingles
51:33Barry Shingles
51:34From Shingles Associates
51:36Barry, that's the water cooler mate
51:38No, no, he's the next big thing, I tell you
51:43Well done Dicky
51:45It was
51:47Well, it was different
51:49Cheers Beth
51:53Ea, what are you doing now?
51:55Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
51:59I suppose I could have half a sherry
52:01What are you still doing in here?
52:03We finished ages ago
52:05Howie?
52:07Actually, I'm going to get Dicky a quick drink at the pub
52:10Er, no you're not
52:13Er, yeah I am
52:17Fuck this
52:26Eh, congrats on your tap routine today hun, they bloody loved it
52:30You practically stole the show
52:32What?
52:32Who's in there?
52:33I'm stuck right here
52:36What's that ma'am?
52:38It's a photo of Ed
52:39Who the fuck's Ed?
52:40It's my son
52:42It's all grown up
52:44It's given to me by Paula
52:48Let us see ma'am
52:49Oh ma'am
52:53Oh
52:54No
52:57Oh my god, it's fucking like
53:02Oh
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