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00:14Dickey, we've been sat in silence for over half an hour and I was staring at the back of Gary's
00:18head.
00:19I'm nearly done, Burbs.
00:24Okie dokie, and there we have it.
00:28And that is how you do drag makeup to a professional standard.
00:33Thank you for volunteering, Gary.
00:35I don't actually remember volunteering.
00:37Ok, so now that Gary is the drag queen, he's going to need a drag queen name.
00:43So, look at Gary and tell me what you think his drag name would be.
00:48Any suggestions?
00:51Donna Kebab.
00:53It's good, Harrison. It's not the one.
00:57Trish Kebab.
00:58No.
01:00Claire Kebab?
01:02No, nothing to do with kebabs.
01:03No, in actual fact, Gary's official drag name would be Sue Syphilis.
01:12Yeah, there we go.
01:16Well, thank you all for coming today and I guess I'll see you all tonight at the first ever LGBTQ
01:22plus network social.
01:25And remember, it's the Wizard of Oz theme, so I want to see an effort please.
01:30Sorry, Dicky.
01:31Sorry, Dicky.
01:31Is it compulsory?
01:33Only if you're not homophobic.
01:36Any more questions?
01:38Yeah, I've got a question.
01:39Why is there no straight network?
01:41What?
01:42It's the same with gay pride.
01:44You know, there's no straight pride.
01:45So why do you need a gay pride?
01:48I want to know why we need pride, Trev.
01:52I'll tell you.
01:53We need pride because queer people are being persecuted for decades.
01:59We need it because we still can't walk down the street holding the hands of the people we love without
02:05looking over our shoulders in case there's someone there to beat the shit out of us.
02:09We need it because trans people's very existence is still being debated.
02:13And we need it because in certain parts of the world there are literally people getting stoned to death just
02:19for being gay.
02:21Pride isn't just a gay party, Trev.
02:25It's a fight.
02:26A fight for our right to simply exist.
02:32Yeah, right, alright.
02:33I get all of that bollocks but if you want equality like you say you do then surely there should
02:37be a straight network.
02:39You what?
02:40A straight network.
02:42Set one up yourself then, Trev.
02:44Huh?
02:44Set one up yourself.
02:45Go for your lives if I care.
02:46Alright, then I will.
02:47I'll set one up.
02:48And it'll actually be fun, not just boring lectures.
02:51Oh, I'll join.
02:52And me.
02:53No, I'll do whatever.
02:54Er, excuse me!
02:55Did you not just hear my impassioned gay speech?
02:58Here.
02:59What are you wearing tonight then?
03:01Well.
03:24Cheers!
03:26Cheers!
03:29Cheers!
03:30I'm proper getting on it tonight.
03:31Me!
03:31Oh yeah!
03:32Oh yeah!
03:34What about you Stuart?
03:35Are you getting on it?
03:36Or are you not getting on it?
03:37I might not be getting on it too much to be honest ma'am.
03:40I booked an art exhibition at Mima in the morning.
03:45Right, well my DJ set's about to start upstairs in a couple of minutes.
03:48Any special requests?
03:50Anything by anya please ma'am.
03:52Ooh, can I borrow these earrings sticky hot?
03:55Oh, er, afraid not babes.
03:58Yeah why?
03:58Well last time you borrowed my jewellery, you lost it.
04:01What are you even on about?
04:02My heart of the ocean necklace.
04:04You threw it in the river!
04:04You were the one who threw it in the river!
04:06Regardless, of who threw it in the river, I'm now left without a heart.
04:09Oh stop fighting you two!
04:11You know what time it is?
04:13You know what time is it ma'am?
04:14It's time we put on our ruby slippers, clicked our heels and got to the Emerald Friggin City!
04:19Yeah!
04:20Yeah!
04:51Fuck me, I've gone blind.
04:55I have a feeling we're not in Borough anymore.
04:57Sorry I'm late.
04:59I was surprised to see you Elaine, after you called in sick today.
05:03Oh, right.
05:09Mama needs some medicine!
05:21Excuse me!
05:23Sorry!
05:24You scared me!
05:26Oh!
05:27No way!
05:28Can I ask what you've come as?
05:31Um...
05:31Yeah, I'm...
05:33I'm meant to be the scarecrow.
05:35Yeah.
05:36I'm afraid that's impossible.
05:39Because I'm the scarecrow.
05:41Well I guess there might be a few scarecrow's tonight, you know, with the whole...
05:45Wizard of Oz theme.
05:47Over my dead fucking mind.
05:50Right.
05:52I just need to go...
05:53Yeah.
06:03Er...
06:04Penny?
06:05What the fucking hell's this?
06:06Just got another booking in.
06:07One of it.
06:08Don't think it's a bit inappropriate to take a booking for a straight network in a gay bar?
06:12I don't mind.
06:13Straight people meet, babes.
06:14Some of my best mates are straight.
06:20Er...
06:21What are you doing, Trev?
06:22This is a gay bar.
06:24You've literally got every slug and lettuce in the world to do a straight network event.
06:27It's a free equal country, isn't it?
06:30Besides, don't you know what date is today?
06:32No, I don't know what date is today.
06:34It's only been stripped right...
06:36Wahey!
06:37Ahhhhh!
06:38Dickhead.
06:55Still feeling sick, Elaine?
06:57Yes.
06:58I'm feeling sick.
07:00Sick of the third degree.
07:02Whoa!
07:04Is everybody having an absolutely incredible time at the LGBTQ plus network store show?
07:11Okay.
07:12Er...
07:13Er...
07:13It's about to get even better!
07:18Conga!
07:19Turn on!
07:28Turn on!
07:29It's Conga!
07:30It's Conga!
07:30It's Conga!
07:30It's Conga!
07:31It's Conga!
07:31It's Conga!
07:31It's Conga!
07:31It's Conga!
07:31Associated!
07:31It's Conga!
07:32...the likes of joining.
07:35Tell everything...
07:35Go on!
07:36...it's not European!
07:37That's just because...
07:38...we're all having fun tonight!
07:41...Tance to that colour to the drum.
07:43...we will never trust our...
07:45...you've made a스타in' uptight...
07:47...so everybody, turn, turn, turn, turn...
07:50...but...
07:50...to the corner...
07:51...to the corner...
07:52...to the picture...
07:53...to the tree...
07:54...to the tree...
07:54...to the tree...
07:54...to the...
07:55This is the furthest conga I've ever been involved in!
08:05It's not too late to join the Land of Oz, Trev.
08:08I'm all good in Kansas. Thanks, mate.
08:11It's not fair.
08:13Hey, Neil, it's conga.
08:15Ooh, conga.
08:17All right, Trev.
08:18Now then, Neil. Happy Strait Pride.
08:21What was it, Strait Pride today?
08:23I wonder what we cargo shorts have had realised.
08:26Here you go, hon.
08:27Now then, Lucinda. Always a pleasure.
08:29Pleasure, Trev.
08:30I take it you've told her, then, mate.
08:31Told me what?
08:32Oops, my bad.
08:33Told me what?
08:35Well, well, then.
08:36Well, you might as well just show her now.
08:38Come on.
08:40Are you actually kidding me?
08:44Lucinda, it's not what it looks like.
08:45It's a tattoo of your ex's name.
08:48Okay, it is kind of what it looks like, but I didn't choose it.
08:50We were playing Tattoo Roulette.
08:52What the hell is Tattoo Roulette?
08:54Oh, it's hilarious. You'd love it.
08:56You secretly choose a tattoo from me, then they have to get it tattooed onto them.
09:00Obviously, he didn't know what it was until I saw it.
09:03Why on earth would you get him a tattoo of his ex's name?
09:05Well, if I'm being completely honest, I just think that Neil and Tanya are more suited to each other.
09:10You're not helping Trev.
09:12It was a game. A very stupid game.
09:15Look, I had to get him one as well.
09:19Well, that's a really nice one.
09:20Thank you very much.
09:22Why didn't you get him a massive one right across his back of, like, a big turd?
09:26Or a hairy ball sack?
09:28Or a rotten toenail?
09:29Or a deer that's been run over by a lorry and it's got to splatter all over the road
09:32and all the baby deer sat around the corpse crying?
09:37I guess I didn't really think.
09:38Oh, Lucinda, please.
09:40Oh, let her go, mate.
09:42Look, if she can't take a small tattoo of your ex's name, then she's not worth it.
09:46Hey, now that you're single, do you want me to see if Tanya will go for a drink with you?
09:49I'm not cool, Trev.
09:53Lucinda, please.
09:59Fuckin' hell.
10:04Sapphires, I can feel the energy tonight and I friggin' love it!
10:10Now, I'm here all night, so any requests, come and see your mum.
10:14Anything goes, as long as it's camp and tears!
10:32Get up there, you bastard!
10:42What's happened to me, Dex?
10:47I.
10:49Am.
10:51Horse!
10:53Penny, what's going on?
10:55Where are my heterosexuals at tonight?
11:04We're here!
11:05We're straight!
11:06We're really fuckin' real!
11:10I recognise that voice.
11:15Stop where you are!
11:17Back away from the counter!
11:23Prize!
11:29Happy Straight Pride, bitches!
11:35Nan, my man, thank you so much for stepping in last minute for Straight Pride!
11:39Anything for a good cause. Flower.
11:43What the hell are you doing here?
11:45I've got a DJ gig!
11:47A girl's gotta wait!
11:48And see!
11:49It's impossible!
11:50I've been booked a DJ the whole night!
11:51The world doesn't revolve around you!
11:54Even though there is a gravitational pull around that big fat arse of your...
11:59Stop!
12:00Stop!
12:05It's bad!
12:07The hell is she doing, Penny?
12:09I thought I was the only DJ on tonight!
12:10Don't get me involved, ma'am.
12:12I'm not gonna be the biggest.
12:13That should sound Straight Pride.
12:19Right then, you fuckin' legends!
12:22Happy Straight Pride!
12:24The drinks are on me tonight!
12:26And help yourself to a badge!
12:27Ooh!
12:32Hey, that's a lot of badges in there!
12:34What are you, the badge police?
12:36The fuck, Gary?
12:41It was a lot of badges.
12:49Come on!
12:50I was really good to have a full time to be a gig!
12:53I've had no time to be gone!
12:57I've had no time to be gone!
12:59I could take it on the gym!
13:01Free as much!
13:02No!
13:03No!
13:08How are you feeling about Trev taking over your social event and showing everyone a much better time?
13:13You're surprisingly not great, Moiré.
13:15Well, I'll sit with you for a bit, out of pity,
13:18but Trev said we're playing beer pong soon
13:20and I've genuinely never felt more excited.
13:23Wow, I'm eternally grateful, babe.
13:26Oi, Moiré, you in on this beer pong or what?
13:30Go on then, piss off.
13:35You, uh, you're not joining the beer pong over to Drev Pride, Marcus.
13:39No, no, no, I'm not a big beer drinker, really.
13:42Oh, how's your gay son getting on?
13:46Oh, he's still gay, thank you.
13:48Ah, that's good.
13:51Mind if I join?
13:52Where have you been?
13:54Playing Bobby. Loves making me late.
13:58Loving a costume.
14:00What are you meant to be?
14:02I'm a slutty tin man.
14:04That suits you.
14:06What are you after, Harrison? Why are you being nice to me?
14:08I'm just being friendly.
14:12Also, if I'm being honest, I'm so bored of the awkwardness between us.
14:17We see each other every day at work.
14:19Isn't it time we put all this behind us now?
14:22Close your eyes.
14:25Yeah, do you remember that night we came here?
14:26And there was that gadget singing Defying Gravity on the karaoke.
14:29And when he went for the i-notes, then just popped out.
14:33Oh my, that was funny as fuck.
14:34I was dying.
14:40How are you then, babe?
14:42I wanna go dance.
14:56Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.
15:00Do it. You're a scrabby little gay lad. Why are you at straight pride?
15:04Sorry Dickie, turns out I just really love Veeapong.
15:08Straight pride is for everyone Dickie. All lives matter.
15:12No no boys.
15:19And another thing, there's bloody green face paint everywhere upstairs.
15:24She's not even a very good DJ. I bet you she plays
15:27Sweet Caroline at least five times tonight. And you know what really pisses me off?
15:35Firstly, I want to apologise.
15:38Let me just start by saying I know what I did was wrong
15:41but just hear me out.
15:46I know I'm the last person you want to see
15:51but...
15:55Get this love down your neck!
15:58As long as you are in my network you won't pay a penny for a drink tonight!
16:03Yeah!
16:04Hey I tell you what, you wouldn't get this in the gear network would you?
16:15Listen up everyone!
16:19Somebody in this bar tonight has stolen my luck!
16:24There's only one scarecrow and it's me!
16:28But what's standing there is a freak!
16:33Shame on you.
16:45Look!
16:46Any scary scarecrows in there?
16:49Look!
16:51He's not here!
16:52You alright Sal?
16:54What are you doing down here?
16:55Tell you the truth, I'm a bit stressed about Danny.
16:59I know I like to break up with her but...
17:01every time I try to do it something stops me.
17:05I'm such a coward.
17:07Hey!
17:08You're not a coward Sal.
17:09It'd be hard for anyone in your situation.
17:11You've been with her for years.
17:13I just wish I had a bit more courage.
17:17You have plenty of courage Sal.
17:19And if I learned anything from coming out,
17:22it's that the more you think about doing something scary,
17:26the longer you'll put it off.
17:39You know what, Stu?
17:40I think I just found it.
17:42What?
17:42My courage.
17:43It was at the bottom of that ninth pint.
17:45I'm gonna go and do it now before I chicken out.
17:48Gee, go on Sal.
17:49I'm buzzing for you.
17:52You coming back up?
17:53No, I think I'll just stay down here for a bit.
17:55Suit yourself, Ferb.
18:01Oh, my God.
18:08Actually, I think I might head back up.
18:12Don't be scared.
18:12Don't be scared.
18:13Don't be scared.
18:19Erm, sorry Gary.
18:25I thought you said you were having a nice time
18:26at the LGBTQ Plus Network Social.
18:29So why on earth have you come over here?
18:31Oh, sorry Dicky.
18:32I just had there was free drinks in this area
18:34and well, money's a bit tight at the moment.
18:37Yeah, I don't need a sob story, Gary.
18:39I need an ally.
18:40Oi!
18:41Leave him alone.
18:42Gary wants to be over here.
18:44Isn't that right, Gary?
18:45Well, erm...
18:46He's only over here because you're bribing him with free drinks.
18:49You'd prefer to be over there.
18:51Isn't that right, Gary?
18:52Well, I just feel that maybe I could move between both areas.
18:56Get up.
18:56Nah.
18:57You're joking.
18:57Both are really imposter, but I'm afraid.
19:15Gay or straight?
19:17Sorry?
19:18Gay or straight?
19:21Oh, erm...
19:22Well, I'm very much an ally.
19:25But I suppose I'm straight.
19:27Straight pirates at the back of the room.
19:31Oh, well...
19:32Actually, I was just looking for someone.
19:40But I won't get one for you.
19:41I'm doing some mixes tonight, babes.
19:42Oh, no.
19:43I'm OK, thanks.
19:44To the local, local, local shoutting Megha, Megha White Thing
19:49Megha, Megha White Thing
19:50Megha, Megha White Thing
19:52Want to be in the good...
19:54No, he wants to be in the Spring Network. Go on, Gary.
19:58I don't mind that.
20:03Dance, my pretties!
20:10Damn me, you bastard!
20:25Give me, give me, give me, I'm letting go!
20:31Is everyone feeling heterol tonight?
20:58Hey! Pack it in!
21:01You two are gonna have to decide amongst yourselves who's DJing,
21:05because I'm not having this all night!
21:07Well, it's my face on the poster,
21:09so she can just fickety-fuckety all the way home!
21:11I've been booked for this important charity event,
21:14which helps support the poor, unfortunate heterosexuals at Teesside.
21:19So I think we can all agree who should stay, hmm?
21:22And who should go?
21:26Ta-ta, ma'am!
21:31What the bloody hell is she doing here?
21:34Please, talk to me.
21:36There's nothing to talk about!
21:38You took my son away from me!
21:40No, you can't keep running away!
21:49It's not what it sounds like.
21:53Who's for sweet Caroline?
21:58Do you want a shot for a fiver babe?
22:01No.
22:02I think I should probably go, actually.
22:06Suit yourself.
22:29You okay, Flower?
22:33Do you okay?
22:40Hey, hey!
22:42Go get some of that!
22:43Something happened to me.
22:51Trev, a word, please.
22:54You're doing this on purpose.
22:56What was that, mate?
22:56Trying to overshadow my LGBTQ plus network store shell.
23:00I don't know what you're talking about, Dickie.
23:01It's quite simply a massive coincidence
23:03that you've decided to host your gay event
23:06at the same place that we happen to be celebrating
23:08Strip Ride.
23:09I'm a liar, Trev.
23:10You're just doing this because you can't bear us gays having a voice.
23:13It's got nothing to do with the gays, Dickie.
23:16I love the gays, mate.
23:17What's the point in all this pettiness?
23:20It's you, mate.
23:22Me?
23:23You think you can rinse around the office controlling everyone,
23:27making us call your stupid little meetings,
23:28forcing us to your pathetic little outings?
23:31Well, two can play in that game, man.
23:34Hiya, mate! You alright?
23:37Fat P, Fat P.
23:38Oh, yeah.
23:43What's the matter, babes?
23:45You ordered a few too many, er...
23:47rides?
23:49Oh, I think it's going later.
23:50I think better.
23:53Penny!
23:54You've got to run it!
24:04Fucking hell.
24:05Pay up, prick!
24:08Ow!
24:12You smell wonderful, Elaine.
24:15You keep stepping on my feet.
24:17Sorry.
24:17No.
24:19I like it.
24:22Don't smile, Carrie.
24:23It's creepy.
24:27It's creepy.
24:28Get me, Waller!
24:29Get me, Waller!
24:35Hey, what a bloody night.
24:37How you feeling, Mum?
24:39I don't really know, to be honest, Chick.
24:41Do you think it's worse hearing what she has to say?
24:44I don't really know, to be honest, Chick.
24:46Why do you think she's back?
24:47Oh, she doesn't really know.
24:48Leave her be!
24:51Oh.
24:53Oh, what happened with the other scarecrow, Stuart?
24:55That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?
24:56He, um...
24:57Not sure.
24:58I think he must have left before we did.
25:01Oh, Sal.
25:02Oh, Sal.
25:05How'd it go?
25:07I mean, it wasn't great, lads.
25:09But it's done.
25:11Sorry, Sal.
25:12Can I just check?
25:13You, er...
25:13You went and broke up with Danny dressed like that?
25:16Yeah.
25:17Good for you, girl!
25:19You, er...
25:20They sleep in here tonight.
25:22If you don't mind, Mum.
25:23Of course not, Chick.
25:24You can stay as long as you like.
25:27Hey.
25:29Do you know what's funny?
25:30What?
25:31Stuart went really method tonight with his scarecrow costume.
25:34Because...
25:35Because he doesn't have a brain.
25:39I...
25:39I don't get it.
25:41You know, like...
25:42Like the film.
25:43Oh.
25:44I've actually never seen it.
25:52Oh!
25:57Good morning, Nick.
25:58Good morning, Nick.
25:59Ha ha.
25:59Very funny.
26:01Can you let me in now, please?
26:05Dickie?
26:07Mum?
26:17Um...
26:20Nipple Aid.
26:21A charity football match.
26:23Semi-professionals versus celebrities.
26:25The celebrities include Cher, Prince Harry, Liza Minnelli, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.
26:31They're lookalikes.
26:32Be there.
26:34When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
26:46Oh, I love the ripe stench of a football ground.
26:51Sniff it in.
26:51Mmm.
26:54Smells a bit funky, ma'am.
26:55Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
26:57Reminds me of my days managing in the big leagues.
27:00Oh, God, I miss it.
27:01You're managing in a team today, though.
27:03I know, chick.
27:04But managing celebrity lookalikes in a charity match.
27:07Sadly, at the Riverside Stadium.
27:09Oh, dear.
27:18What the bloody hell have you two come as?
27:20I'm glad you've asked, ma'am, as it's a fascinating story.
27:24So, remember when we all went to Yarn Fair last year?
27:26Oh, yeah.
27:27Well, me and Lucinda popped and got our fortunes read.
27:30Yeah, and she told us both separately that we were going to marry a footballer and become wags.
27:34Hey, it was a Gypsy Rose Pam.
27:35Oh, my God, yeah.
27:36I love that bitch.
27:38She actually told me the same thing.
27:40Hey, no way.
27:41I can't believe there's going to be three wags in our friendship group.
27:44Have you maybe thought that she tells the same shit to everyone?
27:46Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.
27:49Anyway, as you know, we don't frequent football matches very much.
27:53So, there's a very good chance this is the day we meet our footballer husbands.
27:58That's what we thought. Best dress for the occasion.
28:01Yeah, and this outfit is also very good for my signature picking up lads move.
28:06Oh, yeah. What move is that?
28:07I'll show you.
28:08Yeah.
28:09You place the brick near the lads you fancy.
28:14And then...
28:19Ouchie!
28:20Who put that brick there?
28:22And then the lad will help you roll.
28:25And he'll start a conversation about the brick.
28:28Oh! Stuart's here!
28:30Hello. You alright?
28:32Oh, he's looking a bit better than usual.
28:33Has he had a bit of Botox?
28:36Oh!
28:37What's with the stomach churning costume, Stu?
28:39Well, I'm...
28:41Ozzy the Octopus!
28:44He's the mascot for the charity match.
28:46I pulled a few strings to get him in.
28:48It's something I've always wanted to do.
28:49I'm proper buzzing.
28:53Now then, ma'am.
28:54Oh! Oh, in chick!
28:56Mwah!
28:57Mwah!
29:06It's all good to see you.
29:07Oh, you too.
29:08I'm not going to see you in the place, Angela, yeah?
29:10Absolutely, chick.
29:11That's in a bit.
29:12Yeah, in a bit.
29:13What's up? Riggle, yeah?
29:15Um, who was that, ma'am?
29:17That was Owen Shennington.
29:19Oh, he's a very talented player.
29:21Very sturdy thighs.
29:23Adam's apple out to here.
29:24He's playing for the semi-pros today.
29:27Gypsy Rose Pam was right.
29:29It was love at first sight.
29:32Dickie Shennington.
29:34He's got a ring to it.
29:35Um, this is a bit awkward, hon, but...
29:38I think that one was for me.
29:42Um...
29:42Sorry, I think you're mistaken.
29:43I didn't lose cinder because he was very much looking at me.
29:46Wanna bet?
29:48Yeah, I do, actually.
29:49Tennis says he's the love of my life.
29:51Make it twenty?
29:52Make it fifty, bitch!
29:53Deal?
29:53Deal!
30:00Hola, ma'am.
30:01Hola, Pablo.
30:03Que tan ilusinado estas hoy?
30:06Verás que divertido será el partido.
30:10Tengo mucha ilusión.
30:11Pues venga.
30:13Cuidado con ese ladrillo.
30:16Er...
30:16Ma'am?
30:18Who was that?
30:19Pablo Corcello.
30:21Lovely Spanish fella.
30:22Very good in defence.
30:26What, you's all staring at?
30:28I don't know what to tell you this, babe,
30:29but you and Pablo Corcello are the spit of each other.
30:32Eee!
30:33Now you've come to mention it,
30:35there is a bit of a similarity.
30:36A bit?
30:38Howie, then.
30:38Let's go to the players' lounge.
30:40Your mother needs a sherry.
30:41Yay!
30:47Go me break.
30:57All right, ma'am.
30:59How are you, chick?
30:59How are you getting on?
31:00Are you still with Kelly?
31:01She dumped me.
31:02Oh, fuck her.
31:03Tell us.
31:07Sorry, hon.
31:08We're just with her.
31:08Only people involved in the charity match are allowed in the lounge today.
31:11Oh, er...
31:12We are involved in the charity match.
31:15Oh, apologies.
31:16So how is it exactly that you're involved?
31:18Er...
31:19Well, er...
31:20I'm actually the spouse of one of the players.
31:23You probably know him.
31:24Er...
31:25Owen Shennington.
31:26Yeah, I'm...
31:26I'm Dickie Shennington.
31:27Oh, aye.
31:29So what position does he play?
31:32Come again?
31:33Well, if you know Owen so well, you'll be able to tell me what position he is.
31:37Yeah.
31:40Erm...
31:40Earth the tile?
31:43Lads, I don't think we're getting any of you.
31:44Let's just go to the bar and the stands.
31:46I'm gagging for a Bev.
31:48I'm not missing my chance to become Teesside's number one waggon.
31:51You do you, Bev.
31:54Listen.
31:56I get that you don't want to let scum like that in.
32:01But I'm a classy girl.
32:03I recently got back from...
32:07Balmoral.
32:08Not today, love.
32:10How weird a kid.
32:14Welcome, charity match fans.
32:16My name's Geoff Stelling.
32:17I'm here with the incomparable Chris Kamara and the unsurpassable Steph McGovern.
32:23They're down here live at Pitchside for this year's charity game in support of Nipple Aid.
32:28That's right. Your donations will help people across the globe who are born with extra nipples.
32:34A charity close to my heart. Literally.
32:37I have a third nipple. Just here.
32:40Cami, how many nipples have you got?
32:42Just the one, Geoff!
32:44Nipple Aid. Not everyone has two.
32:48Oh, hiya, chick.
32:49Where you all at over there is a lovely spread on in here.
32:53Ma'am, this job's worth on the door isn't letting us into the lounge.
32:57Is Owen in there?
32:58Er, he is, chick.
32:59Can you just tell him from me then?
33:01I miss him and that we'll be together soon.
33:05Oh, the quality of these soundies.
33:07It's better than friggin' Marxies.
33:09What?
33:12What?
33:14Well, what did she say?
33:16Something about sandwiches.
33:17But I'm sure that when word reaches Owen that the love of his life is stuck in the corridor, it'll
33:21come straight out.
33:22Do you really think I'm the love of his life?
33:24I was talking about me, Lucinda.
33:26What are you really getting on my tits today?
33:28Well, you're really getting on my tits.
33:29What was he, lad? How you doing?
33:31Get yourself in there.
33:33Look! He's just letting Stuart in.
33:35Oh, he's running!
33:37We need to somehow get that octopus costume.
33:40That's the only way we're going to get in this pigging lounge with that shit rag bouncer.
33:43Yeah, but how are we going to get the costume? Stuart's wearing it.
33:47Follow me.
33:52Sal!
33:53Oh, hiya, little babe. Didn't expect to see you here.
33:56I never miss a charity match, matey. Do you mind if I join?
33:59Yeah, of course.
34:03You're looking amazing, Sal. You're like proper glowing.
34:06Have you got a new skincare routine?
34:08No different than my usual saltwater and marjorie.
34:11I do feel different though, to be honest.
34:14Kind of like a weight's been lifted.
34:17Oh, that's good. Is there any reason?
34:20Well, yeah, actually.
34:22I broke up with Danny.
34:24Oh.
34:27Oh.
34:32I've never done this before, but...
34:34Would you maybe like to...
34:36I don't know.
34:38Go out for a drink sometime?
34:41Babe.
34:42You were so right to bring me to this place.
34:45What a shithole.
34:46I'm going to be able to get so much content.
34:48Oh.
34:49It's you.
34:50Sorry, I forgot to mention.
34:51Arabella's here.
34:52Room for a little one.
34:55You know, now that we started seeing each other, Mal,
34:59I think that I'm going to start saying that I'm working class.
35:02It's probably going to get me more work, am I right?
35:05Oh.
35:07I have limited opportunities.
35:11You know, now you lot have said about Lucinda and Pablo Kov.
35:14Hey, you're looking like each other.
35:16I can't unsee it.
35:18Liza Minnelli, she'll shoot off down the wing without the ball.
35:21It's proper and canny, isn't it?
35:22Oh.
35:23Cress me at ease.
35:25Oh.
35:26Oh.
35:28Oh.
35:29Huh?
35:38Emergency.
35:38Emergency.
35:46Why the hell weren't you answering your phone, Stuart?
35:49I'm working, Lucinda.
35:50It's in my locker.
35:51What's the emergency?
35:53We've got something really important to tell you.
35:55What is it?
35:57Not here.
36:03Tell me what's going on.
36:05You're scaring me.
36:06We need your octopus outfit on.
36:07But why?
36:07I'm also the octopus.
36:09It's the only way we can get into the players' lounge.
36:11Why do you need to go to the players' lounge?
36:13My future husband is in there.
36:14No.
36:15MY future husband is in there.
36:17Hey!
36:18Right, come on.
36:20Come on, Stuart.
36:21It's best if you don't struggle.
36:23Come on, bitch.
36:24Stuart must have brought him back.
36:27My head.
36:28Well, if you've never watched a charity match before,
36:31I suppose we'd better explain a little about what you're going to expect today, Steph.
36:35Yeah, it's dead simple, Geoff.
36:36It's basically semi-professional footballers versus celebrity look-alikes.
36:41And they have a big ol' game of footy.
36:43Come on, are you excited about today's game?
36:45No.
36:46Not really.
37:07Hey!
37:09Hello, Sir Elton John.
37:10How's your husband, David Furnish?
37:13Oh no.
37:15It's actually me.
37:16It's Neil!
37:17I would never have known.
37:19Well, I did hear on the grapevine that you're managing us look-alikes today, ma'am.
37:23I am indeed.
37:24I didn't know you impersonated Sir Elton.
37:26I mainly do the earlier hits.
37:29I'm Milton John.
37:29I'm Milton John.
37:30Then I think I'm going to eat a scone.
37:32Hmm.
37:33You're such a selfish prick.
37:35Oi!
37:36Get off!
37:37Dicky, give me my costume back.
37:38I was really looking forward to being the mascot today.
37:41Oh, keep your hair on, Stuart.
37:42I'll get it back to you before the match starts.
37:44I don't believe you.
37:46Oh!
37:46You do it!
37:47Get off me!
37:50Dicky!
37:50No!
37:53Dicky!
37:54Time to get my man.
37:57Dicky Shennington, here I come.
38:00No.
38:03Dicky?
38:05Hello?
38:06I'm a size six.
38:08I know.
38:08I'm a bit of a minx.
38:10Oh!
38:11How are you getting on, Stuart?
38:16Nice.
38:17You've grown.
38:18Here.
38:19I'm going to try these sarnies.
38:21Oh!
38:24There she is.
38:27Ma'am, I was just wondering.
38:29Is Lucinda here?
38:31She's here somewhere, aye.
38:33I might see if I can find her.
38:35See if she'll hear me out.
38:37Don't be too long, Neil.
38:39I've got to give all you weird celebrity lookalikes a pep talk before the game starts.
38:42Yeah.
38:44Listen.
38:45That is not Elton John.
38:47It's just an oddly passive man.
38:51Hi, Rowan.
38:53Oh, hi.
38:55Mmm.
38:56Mmm.
38:58Go, go, go.
38:59All right, let's get the brick out.
39:05Okay.
39:07Oh!
39:08Oh!
39:10Ouchie!
39:14What the heck?
39:23Excuse me?
39:25I need your football kit.
39:26Yeah, piss off your pedo.
39:28I'm not a pedo.
39:29Why do you want me to take my clothes off?
39:30It's hard to explain, but basically, it's a beautiful romantic story involving prophecy, destiny, and above all, love.
39:38Yeah, see you later, your pedo.
39:39I'll give you fifty quid.
39:42Yeah, go on then.
39:50There you go.
39:54What the actual fuck?
39:55That is not Merlot.
39:56Well, that's all they had, babe.
39:57No, sorry.
39:57Impossible.
39:58Excuse me.
40:01Sorry about it.
40:04So, you two were a proper...
40:06Yeah.
40:07It all, er, happened quite quickly.
40:11Well, I'm really happy for you.
40:15I can't believe it.
40:17You were right.
40:17Honestly.
40:18Fuck this place.
40:19And you know the worst thing?
40:21They didn't even have any olives.
40:22I mean, like, what kind of dystopian nightmare are these people living in round here?
40:26Right.
40:27Deliveroo.
40:28Olives, olives, olives.
40:58Time to get my man.
41:02Can you believe that some people don't know what the offside rule is?
41:05I know what it is.
41:06It's my favourite rule actually.
41:08Oh!
41:28Ouchie!
41:30Pablo, what are you doing?
41:32Are you alright?
41:32Thanks, sir.
41:33Thanks.
41:39What about you, Lucinda?
41:41Stop trying to steal my moves.
41:43Stop trying to steal my man, you homewrecked harlot.
41:45Yeah, but let's not steal him when he already belongs to me.
41:48Right, semi-pros.
41:49Let's get you all down to the changing room for a pre-match chat, please.
41:53Come on, Pablo.
41:54And I think you'd better be getting down to the pitch, mate.
41:56All the kids will want to see Ozzy the octopus.
42:00Shit.
42:00How are you, Pablo?
42:03Dockster!
42:05How are you?
42:07May the best mum win.
42:09Go on.
42:11Kiss it.
42:16Brick-a-leg lads.
42:19Beard.
42:21Hello?
42:22Let me out!
42:25Kiss the government.
42:26Kiss the government.
42:28Kiss the government.
42:28Kiss the government.
42:29You can really feel the excitement as we edge closer to kick-off here.
42:34Have you got a prediction of the results, Steph?
42:35Yeah, I think the celebrities might do well here, you know, because I've seen Cher play a charity match in
42:40Swansea.
42:40She's got a fantastic aim, so don't write them off.
42:43And Kami, have you got a prediction?
42:45I think AI will take over the planet and destroy the human race!
42:53This car park is too full.
42:55This car park is too full.
42:58Lucinda!
42:59Hey!
43:02We need to hash this out once and for all.
43:07Come here!
43:08Lucinda!
43:09There!
43:11There!
43:13Oh, yeah!
43:16Go to my local!
43:18Stop!
43:20Why are you still in here, Stuart?
43:21You locked me in here and give me back my costume.
43:24You know, you've really got a nerve, Lucinda.
43:26You do que en coño eres.
43:27I can't hear what you're saying with this thing on my head.
43:29You sound Spanish for fuck's sake.
43:31Yeah, I don't think this is Lucinda, Dickie.
43:34I don't even know what language you're speaking, Stuart.
43:36What?
43:38Hey!
43:39No!
43:40No!
43:42It's hard for me to get my wagon.
43:45Hey!
43:45No!
43:46Not again!
43:49Hello.
43:51Are we all clear on the strategy?
43:54Well, let's get out there and take down those fake celebrity wankers
43:59and get the win!
44:01Yeah!
44:02Yeah!
44:05So, are you doing anything after this?
44:09I think St Pablo, I think you've got the wrong idea.
44:11You know, mate.
44:12I'm cool with everyone being where they want to be and all that,
44:14but I'm not actually gay, mate.
44:18No, wait.
44:19I think you've got the wrong idea.
44:20This isn't...
44:21Right, lads.
44:21Time to go.
44:23Bring it in.
44:24Bring it in.
44:25Come on.
44:25Are you ready?
44:26One, two, three...
44:28Help!
44:31Help!
44:31Help!
44:32Please, we're here!
44:33The card pack is too full!
44:35The card pack is too full!
44:36Help!
44:37Please!
44:38Please!
44:39Help!
44:41Oh!
44:42Finally!
44:43Thank you, Selt and John.
44:45Where the hell is Dicky with my costume?
44:47Cinder!
44:48Wow, you've really gone all out for this match.
44:51Look, I know that sorry is a proper hard word,
44:54but I am truly sorry.
44:55I don't understand you, bicho raro.
44:58I need to move to the court.
45:00The party is about to start.
45:01What?
45:01Lucinda?
45:03Lucinda!
45:03Please don't be like that!
45:11What did you get out of the cupboard?
45:13What are you on about?
45:14Never mind.
45:15Listen, where's Owen?
45:16I just need to have a quick word with him to confess my undying love.
45:19He's about to go onto the pitch, Dicky.
45:21And I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but he's not gay.
45:23Oh, wow.
45:25What a homophobic thing to say.
45:28Now, I know you're all worried about the semi-professionals,
45:31and it doesn't surprise me.
45:33They've got the talent.
45:34They've got the physical strength.
45:36But what is it you've got that they haven't?
45:39A slight resemblance to an A-list celebrity.
45:42So forget about their ripped adonis bodies
45:44and their fast, athletic legs.
45:46Get out there.
45:48And crush them!
45:49Yeah!
45:53Yes, Stevie Wonder.
45:54Anybody know where Team Captain Sir Elton John is?
45:59I'm Team Captain Sir Elton John and I'm locked in a cupboard.
46:02Please!
46:04Please!
46:06Neverland!
46:07Neverland!
46:10Neverland!
46:10Fucking help me!
46:11No, no, no.
46:13I'm sorry.
46:13I tried, but this is absolutely not for me.
46:16Neverland!
46:17Excuse me!
46:19Neverland!
46:22Neverland!
46:24Neverland!
46:25Neverland!
46:26And another thing.
46:27I know it was you who took my dervily dunkers.
46:31Don't walk away from me Lucinda.
46:33Let's discuss this like Adel.
46:35I am not having this conversation
46:37while you're dressed as Ozzy the fucking octopus!
46:40Hey Cammie, that shirt.
46:42I wish I had the name and address of her plastic surgeon.
46:46Unbelievable, Geoff!
46:47And I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to.
46:49Owen Shennington on the pitch.
46:51There's a lot of talent in that lad.
46:52You've always done this to me.
46:54What are you even on about?
46:55Tried stealing the lads I like.
46:56Are you actually joking me?
46:57When have I ever stolen a lad from you?
46:59Er, Ryan Jones.
47:00Oh, come on then.
47:01You weren't ever serious with Ryan.
47:02Anyway, he was the one who asked me for a blow in H&M.
47:07What are you doing, you crazy bitch?
47:08That's my head!
47:11Give it back, dickheads!
47:12Nah, nah.
47:13Over here, please.
47:16I'm not Benz.
47:19What the fuck has Steph McGovern got a commentating job here?
47:22Does she know about football?
47:23You're the brown-nosing cow.
47:26Do you know what?
47:28Why is that you put that finger where the sun doesn't fucking shine?
47:31What?
47:31Come out here.
47:32We'll talk about it out here.
47:34Yeah, you're scared in your little box, aren't you?
47:36Er...
47:37You okay, Steph?
47:39Just give us a minute, Cammy.
47:42Get back!
47:51What?
47:52Have I got something on my face?
47:56I know I shouldn't, and...
47:58This is probably the wrong time.
48:04But...
48:05Oh!
48:08What were you saying, Mel?
48:16What?
48:18What?
48:19What?
48:19What?
48:20What have you got there for?
48:23Bloody modern footballers.
48:26Ladies and gentlemen, the players are in the tunnel.
48:28Put your hands together, and make some noise, and welcome our two teams onto the pitch.
48:32Come on, Semi-Pros.
48:33Let's have you.
48:34Get out there!
48:34Let's give it to him!
48:36Come on!
48:38It's Semi-Pros vs. Celebrity.
48:40And back in a little bit nicer today for the Chevy-Pros.
48:43Is Pablo DiColomelo.
48:46Come on, onto the pitch.
48:48That's it.
48:48Where Drill Cavs is what promises to be a fantastic charity football man.
48:52All in support of an incredible cause.
48:55Pablo Corzello's warming up.
48:57I think he looks a bit unsure, you know.
48:59I think he's slaying.
49:01Let's make it a match to remember, and most importantly, let's make a difference.
49:06Stevie?
49:07Stevie?
49:07It's that weird.
49:09Oh, okay.
49:12That's it.
49:13Pass it.
49:13Oh, great pass.
49:14Well done.
49:19And Corzello's called a timeout.
49:22That's not even a thing in football.
49:24I love it!
49:26Go on, lad!
49:28Gentle, no, no hard tackles.
49:30Come on.
49:35Minnelli!
49:35Liza Minnelli!
49:36Come on!
49:37Get in the game!
49:38Should've got Streisand!
49:40Liza Minnelli's in great form today!
49:43Yeah, you're not wrong, Geoff.
49:44She's created some cracking moments there.
49:45She was spectacular in camarade!
49:49Liza!
49:50So I think I've got some...
49:51Pass it to share!
49:53What the hell was that?
49:55Oh, you moron!
49:56He was open there!
49:58You told me you were good.
50:00What's the Prince Harry?
50:02Don't wave!
50:03Prince Harry?
50:04You're nothing like him!
50:05You're just a lad with ginger hair!
50:07No, no!
50:09No!
50:09No!
50:10Backward!
50:11You're bloody useless, I love you!
50:13Useless!
50:14Come on!
50:17Are you chicken?
50:18You alright, love?
50:18Because...
50:22Stop throwing my head around, you fucking monsters!
50:27Dicky!
50:28Give me my octopus costume back!
50:33Owen!
50:34Owen!
50:36Call me!
50:37What are you doing, man?
50:39Owen!
50:39Owen, call me!
50:41Dicky!
50:42Give me Ozzy!
50:49No!
50:52The game's not way!
50:53Owen!
50:55Who are you, sir?
50:57Look, you're an imposter!
50:59I'm the real Pablo Cortello!
51:01Dicky!
51:04It looks like Ozzy the Octopus is on the pitch now!
51:07I'm not talking to you!
51:08I'm not talking to you either!
51:10And he's being chased by some tiny little gay fella!
51:13Give me my octopus back!
51:14Maybe I should go to Specsavers, guys, because there appear to be two Pablo Corzellos on the pitch!
51:21Info score!
51:22You see?
51:23I must have missed that, Geoff!
51:26What the hell are they doing?
51:27Oh yeah!
51:28Come back!
51:29Oi!
51:30Get off that pitch where I frigging batter you!
51:33Hurry ya!
51:34Oh!
51:34Are these on there to yours?
51:36Yeah!
51:36Well, what are they doing on there?
51:37You leave them alone!
51:38Oh!
51:38Oh!
51:39Oh!
51:39Oh!
51:40Oh!
51:44You like that?
51:46Are your friends normally like this?
51:49As a matter of fact, they are, yeah.
51:51Owen!
51:51Owen!
51:52Owen!
51:53I know, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
51:55What are you apologising for?
51:57It's class!
51:59Owen!
52:00Owen!
52:01Owen!
52:02Owen!
52:02Owen!
52:03Owen!
52:04You don't mind doing it, please!
52:11Um, what the actual fuck?
52:13I thought you were following me.
52:15I've just been sat in the car for ages.
52:16Shit.
52:17Sorry, babe.
52:18The windows were literally up.
52:24Go out, Rosie.
52:31Fuck it.
52:33I've been watching.
52:35Where's the moon, lads?
52:37Everybody on the treadmill run.
52:39Let's go!
52:39I'm going to give you a kiss now.
52:40I'm going to feel more tiny.
52:42I'm going to feel more tiny.
52:42I'm going to feel more tiny.
52:44Haven't you ever seen anything like this?
52:46Only in the borough, Jeff.
52:48You don't have to be mad to live here.
52:51But I'll tell you what, Jeff.
52:53It fucking helps!
52:54I'm out!
52:55Ha!
52:56Ha!
52:57Ha!
52:58Ha!
52:59Ha!
53:02Ha!
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