- 20 hours ago
Saturday Night Live S51E19
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:05All right, all right.
00:00:07There you are, ma'am.
00:00:10There you are. Here is your Washington red skin.
00:00:13That's a shot of Campari and an empty potato skin.
00:00:16Thank you. To world peace.
00:00:18Yeah, it should be any day now.
00:00:22All right. All right.
00:00:26Keep coming.
00:00:29All right. Cut the jukebox. Cut it.
00:00:34My man.
00:00:38Drug boat.
00:00:42Secretary Hexer, can I get you your usual?
00:00:45A shot of beer with a pint of whiskey dropped into it?
00:00:49That's right. A reverse Irish car bomb, yes.
00:00:53It's just nice to have my sneaky bar here
00:00:55where I'm not going to run in anyone from work,
00:00:57because none of Trump's people like drinking as much as I do.
00:01:01Wrong!
00:01:02Oh!
00:01:06What?
00:01:06Come on! Yeah!
00:01:08Yeah!
00:01:09Whoa! Yes!
00:01:11Grab it all!
00:01:11What is up?
00:01:12Order! Order in the court!
00:01:15Yes!
00:01:16Order! I find in favor of six Bud Lights and three shots of J-Mo.
00:01:20Yes!
00:01:21Come on!
00:01:22Yeah, a 6-3 decision coming right up, your honor.
00:01:26Ah, Pistol Pete. I kind of figured I was going to find you here.
00:01:29Oh, did I include you on a signal chat by accident?
00:01:33No, no, I just saw all the women covering their drinks.
00:01:37Oh!
00:01:37Come on!
00:01:38Ah!
00:01:39That could be you too, right?
00:01:40Yeah, that could. I like that. I like that.
00:01:42Ah, it's just great that we share that.
00:01:44Yeah, it is fun. It's fun we share that.
00:01:47Hey, can I just say, we are both kicking ass right now.
00:01:52Right?
00:01:53Dude, can you believe I just, like, started a war?
00:01:56Can you believe I ended abortion?
00:01:59Huh? Hey, your body, my choice.
00:02:01Oh!
00:02:03You knew I'd do it!
00:02:04You knew I'd do it!
00:02:05Oh, how is the war going, by the way?
00:02:07Oh, it's totally chill.
00:02:09It's, uh, it's totally chill.
00:02:11Or at this point, it's like me at a DWI checkpoint.
00:02:14It completely blew over.
00:02:15Oh.
00:02:16Really?
00:02:17I-I thought I read we were, uh, we were still bombing stuff.
00:02:20Ah, no, just like a few every now and then.
00:02:22We can stop whenever we want to.
00:02:25Oh, that's cool. Check this out.
00:02:27What are you, what is this? What have you been up to?
00:02:29Well, it's a new, uh, voting district that I approved in Tennessee.
00:02:34Oh, wow.
00:02:35Oh, wait, actually, no. That's, uh, that's a field sobriety test.
00:02:38They told me to draw a circle.
00:02:41Dude, you were really close.
00:02:43Thanks, Kimo Sabe.
00:02:44Yeah, you knew, you knew it was the shape.
00:02:46Yeah.
00:02:49Appreciate that.
00:02:50Can I be honest with you, man?
00:02:51Sure.
00:02:51It's just that I worked so hard on this Iran war and I'm just worried it's gonna end.
00:02:57You know?
00:02:58It's kinda like I took a bunch of blue chew and then didn't bang anyone.
00:03:04Like, okay, I guess I'll just watch Seinfeld bricked up.
00:03:08Well, thank God we got each other, right?
00:03:10Yeah.
00:03:11You know what the real war is right now?
00:03:14The real war?
00:03:15It's the war against male loneliness.
00:03:21I used to have all my buddies to hang out with.
00:03:25PJ and Toby.
00:03:28Squee.
00:03:30Gang bang Greg.
00:03:32Yes.
00:03:33Dr. William Cosby.
00:03:37I just wish there were more people in this administration who could really hang.
00:03:42Does this bar take care?
00:03:49Back on the table.
00:03:50Back on the table.
00:03:53Oh, yeah.
00:03:53Where am I touching?
00:03:55Let's go.
00:03:56So, what's up?
00:03:57Are we wildin' out tonight or what?
00:03:58Yeah, we always wild, K-pop demon hunter.
00:04:02Yeah, I got nothing to do tomorrow, you know, cause of the...
00:04:06Cease fire!
00:04:09Oh, oh, guys.
00:04:11Check this out.
00:04:13I made my own FBI bourbon with my name on it.
00:04:17What?
00:04:18Yes.
00:04:19Somehow this is a real thing that I, the FBI director, had made.
00:04:24This is real.
00:04:26What?
00:04:27I bring my own alcohol to bars because sometimes they think I'm a kid with a fake ID.
00:04:32They say, oh, no adult would make this face in official photos.
00:04:39But seriously, we're all living the American dream.
00:04:43I'm the first person in my family to go to college.
00:04:47Parties.
00:04:47Many years after graduating.
00:04:50Hey, K-9, is that rumor true that you make everybody in the FBI take a polygraph?
00:04:55No.
00:04:56I told them to make a graph of everyone in the FBI who's poly.
00:05:00My girlfriend wants to open up our relationship.
00:05:03Oh, shit.
00:05:04Dude, come on.
00:05:05Yeah.
00:05:06She went, she said she wants to bring other dudes into the bedroom and for me to stay in the
00:05:09living room.
00:05:11Hey, since we're opening up, can I tell you guys something top secret?
00:05:14Brother, everything's a secret when you're blacked out.
00:05:18Right.
00:05:19All right.
00:05:20We're gonna let Trump do a third term.
00:05:23Yeah!
00:05:24Come on!
00:05:26I thought that was unconstitutional.
00:05:28Yeah, it was.
00:05:29But Trump found the original Constitution, and at the end, he wrote,
00:05:34Psyche!
00:05:34We're gonna live forever!
00:05:36Whoa!
00:05:36Yes!
00:05:37All right.
00:05:38Sorry, gentlemen.
00:05:39It's your least favorite words in the entire world.
00:05:41Last call.
00:05:42Oh, come on!
00:05:43Come on!
00:05:44So, what's it gonna be?
00:05:46Well, I guess I'll drink a whiskey drink.
00:05:49I'll drink a vodka drink.
00:05:50I'll drink a lager drink.
00:05:51I'll drink a cider drink.
00:05:53I'll get knocked down!
00:05:55When I get up again, they're gonna never wanna keep me down.
00:05:58I'm not getting knocked down!
00:05:59When I get up again, it's live from New York!
00:06:02It's Saturday Night!
00:06:09It's Saturday Night Live!
00:06:13With...
00:06:14Michael Che!
00:06:22Mikey Day!
00:06:28Andrew Dismutes!
00:06:31Andrew Dismutes!
00:06:39Chloe Fineman!
00:06:49Marcelo Fernandez!
00:06:55James Austin Johnson!
00:06:57James Austin Johnson!
00:07:05Colin Jost!
00:07:10Sarah Sherman!
00:07:17Kenan Thompson!
00:07:23Featuring...
00:07:24Tommy Brennan!
00:07:28Jeremy Colhane!
00:07:34Ben Marshall!
00:07:42Ashley Padilla!
00:07:45Cam Patterson!
00:07:48Featuring...
00:07:50Veronica Slowikoska!
00:07:54Jane Wickline!
00:07:56Jane Wickline!
00:08:04Musical guest, Noah Kahn!
00:08:09And your host, Matt Damon!
00:08:16Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Damon!
00:08:39Thank you!
00:08:41Thank you!
00:08:42Thank you so much!
00:08:42I'm so happy to be here, guys!
00:08:44This is my third time hosting!
00:08:48Which seems a little low, right?
00:08:51I mean, just considering I've been around for like 30 years, but that's okay.
00:08:55I'm here now.
00:08:56I'm really excited because I have a new movie coming out.
00:09:00It's called The Odyssey.
00:09:04And it is in theaters, not this weekend, not next weekend, but nine weekends from now.
00:09:10Mid-July, baby!
00:09:12So, we have more good news.
00:09:14It is Mother's Day tomorrow.
00:09:17Yeah.
00:09:18And I know, normally SNL flies all the cast moms in for the show, first class, no expense spared.
00:09:24Apparently that was going to happen again this year, but then Spirit Airlines shut down.
00:09:28So, for all of you waiting to see the cast moms, I'm sorry, it ain't happening tonight.
00:09:34Sorry, you said the cast moms aren't coming tonight?
00:09:38Yeah, that's right, sir. No cast moms this year.
00:09:41Oh, okay. But Marcella's mom is here, right?
00:09:45No, she's not here. I'm sorry. That wasn't in the cards.
00:09:49Well, I'd really like to meet her.
00:09:52Buddy, I don't know what to tell you. We gotta move on.
00:09:54Uh, in about 15 minutes, it is gonna be Mother's Day, and I realize, for a lot of you,
00:10:00you're probably freaking out because you didn't get your mother a gift.
00:10:03Don't worry. I thought about this. I got you guys covered.
00:10:06Just send her this.
00:10:08Hey there. It's me, Matt Damon.
00:10:12I bet you thought your kid forgot to get you a Mother's Day gift.
00:10:15No. This is your gift. A personal message from me.
00:10:20But wait. I'm confused.
00:10:23Your kid asked me to make a video for their mom, but you're their sister, right?
00:10:29What? Shut up. No way.
00:10:32Well, you don't look a day over...
00:10:34You're kidding me.
00:10:36I would have guessed, like, 28, 29.
00:10:40Well, how old am I?
00:10:42Old enough to know what I'm doing? Young enough to do it well?
00:10:47Listen, I gotta go, but you deserve a night out.
00:10:51You tell your partner to take you out on a date, not this weekend, not next weekend, but nine weekends
00:10:58from now.
00:10:58There's a movie I think you're really gonna like, Happy Mother's Day.
00:11:04So...
00:11:07Just flip that and send it to your mom. You're all set.
00:11:10Hey, dumbass.
00:11:12Marcello's mom is here.
00:11:14Hi, Matt Damon.
00:11:15Okay, Mom. Get away from this weirdo, okay?
00:11:17Bye, Matt Damon.
00:11:19We got a great show. Noah Kahn is here. So is Marcello's mom. Stick around. We'll be right back.
00:11:28Long time still Community happens.
00:11:43You
00:11:49are watching the Monster Channel? Yep, that's real.
00:11:52We now return to... Godzilla King of the Monsters 2 Dawn of the King of all Monsters.
00:11:58potatoes
00:12:01admiral on deck at ease i just got to sleep this better be good admiral we're tracking a sizable
00:12:09anomaly in the pacific ocean heading west towards the northern california coastline
00:12:13you woke me up for a russian reconnaissance sub this is no sub sir uh admiral you might
00:12:21want to take a look at this the uss indiana just sent a sonar scan of the location whatever this
00:12:28thing is it's as tall as the ocean is deep what's the depth there uh 2 500 feet
00:12:41what there's something the size of two empire state buildings swimming in our ocean
00:12:47admiral you might want to take a look at this it's making impact tremors on the ocean floor
00:12:54it's not swimming sir it's walking
00:13:01it's walking what the hell is this thing admiral um you might want to take a look at this jesus
00:13:09what
00:13:09now this dress is drying me out can i get like a thick green juice that i like here you
00:13:15are sir
00:13:22what do we got officer um
00:13:27do you want to do you want to finish the sip that's in your mouth sir
00:13:36you like to savor the taste okay um well i'm looking at the thermal imaging
00:13:43is there pineapple in this no sir just greens and apples oh it tasted like pineapple for a second
00:13:50sorry admiral we just lost contact with our summary all their comms are offline yeah the data
00:13:58is showing it suffered total hull failure i'll try and get the video from its clear cam lock in people
00:14:04we're gonna be here for a while i should eat something can i get some of that runny lumpy yogurt
00:14:09that i like i access the video sir let me see it oh my god jesus officer harris i just
00:14:22saw that
00:14:23thing grab a nuclear submarine and crush it like an empty soda can that cannot be possible so i need
00:14:29you to look me in the eyes right now and tell me that video is authentic your yogurt sir thank
00:14:36you
00:14:49the video is authentic
00:14:55well i lost my appetite can i get a huge ice cold water please here you go sir thank you
00:15:02admiral i'm
00:15:03getting a transmission from okinawa but it's in japanese um i know japanese
00:15:12you speak japanese yes yes i do i i dated a girl from japan and i lived there for three
00:15:20years sir
00:15:20was she hot um don't know why that matters not really sorry to hear that now go translate that message
00:15:28of
00:15:28course excuse me okay all right um there's a lot of static hey guys it's really important that
00:15:39everybody stays hydrated this is a high stress situation i need everybody drinking a lot of water
00:15:44thank you thank you thank you admiral um okay okay they're saying uh monster destroyed okinawa base
00:15:53with laser from mouth
00:15:59my god oh my god oh my god oh my god they're they're calling it they're calling it godzilla
00:16:08no no no no sir please
00:16:14did you just say godzilla everyone please stop i'm so wet i'm so wet i'm so wet i know a
00:16:24lot of high
00:16:24stakes information is being revealed but please if you can just try and spit away from me please
00:16:34sorry i didn't get to do it yet oh god he's here
00:16:51coming this mother's day a movie especially made for mom
00:16:56kids what are you doing here oh you know we wouldn't miss mother's day oh come in come in
00:17:03with all the things she loves in movies and none of the things she doesn't actually we have some news
00:17:10we're gonna move back home what introducing mom the movie the only movie completely devoid of
00:17:18conflict suspense and dramatic tension just things that work out for mom oh no
00:17:24mom is the big pickleball tournament at the same time as my baby shower
00:17:29no they're on different days great because moms have enough stress so why not let them feel good
00:17:37for a day with dialogue life mom you're a really good mom and it's twins
00:17:45that is a great story mom and i love that you told me the race of all the people involved
00:17:51moms are the hardest working people in the world they deserve a movie where the house is clean the
00:17:58kids are home and the husband is straight up matt damon i just love being married to you matt damon
00:18:04i feel the same way ronda ronda damon remind me again how we met well i was giving a talk
00:18:11back
00:18:11after a movie i did and i noticed your massive necklace from the stage you want to go upstairs
00:18:18to make love no to do a fashion show with everything in your closet
00:18:34a story by moms for moms hey is that the pink puffy purse i bought you with the big old
00:18:40gold chain
00:18:41you're right it goes with everything mom the movie is a hit and audiences are raving i liked when the
00:18:48kids all needed their birth certificates and she had them and it's designed with the understanding that
00:18:54most moms will fall asleep after 23 minutes so after that point the characters just move things around
00:19:02and smile i loved when the entire family watched a full episode of house hunters it was helpful when
00:19:09the characters put on name tags so the audience could track who was who it was a nice touch how
00:19:14about that
00:19:15mark damon and rest assured if something bad happens it'll be to someone you don't like mom did you hear
00:19:24your friend is sick oh which one judith the one who said your porch pillars were ugly oh
00:19:34how sad so treat your mom to a movie so tailor-made to her she'll wonder if she wrote it
00:19:41herself
00:19:41you mind if i slip into something a little more comfortable
00:19:49jason flippin born mom the movie streaming now on home goods plus
00:20:00next week our season finale with will ferrell and musical guest paul mccarthy
00:20:16next week
00:20:27hey there you go sweetheart enjoy there oh that's nice
00:20:30Enjoy this, sweetheart.
00:20:31That's nice for you.
00:20:32Hey, Sergeant Father, do you guys think you can keep it down?
00:20:34Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:20:36Hey, get the hell out of here.
00:20:37Go back to Wall Street.
00:20:39OK.
00:20:40Shh.
00:20:40What's wrong with this guy, huh?
00:20:42Pushing in here like that?
00:20:44You know what it is.
00:20:44Everybody thinks they're a tough guy these days.
00:20:47Hey, that's true.
00:20:48That's true.
00:20:48Hey, hey, speaking of tough guys, huh?
00:20:51Listen to this.
00:20:52The other day, this guy's smoking a cigarette
00:20:54right outside my house.
00:20:55He flicks his cigarette right onto my lawn.
00:20:58So I go, hey, pick it up.
00:21:01This guy looks me in the eye.
00:21:02He goes, make me.
00:21:04Oh, boy.
00:21:06So then what happened?
00:21:07I'll tell you what happened.
00:21:08He kicked my ass.
00:21:11And then he made me pick up the cigarette.
00:21:13I did.
00:21:13I picked it up with my mouth.
00:21:15Yeah.
00:21:16Everybody thinks they're a tough guy these days.
00:21:18Yeah, I had a run in myself recently.
00:21:20Oh, yeah?
00:21:20I see this tough guy at the grocery store.
00:21:23He's yelling at the checkout girl.
00:21:26I go, hey, jackass.
00:21:27Your mother ever teach you manners?
00:21:29Because if not, I'm going to teach you something right now.
00:21:33Oh, boy.
00:21:35So what did he say to that?
00:21:36Nothing.
00:21:37He just kicked my ass right away.
00:21:41He wheeled his chair over to me and laid me out flat.
00:21:45Hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:21:47He was in a wheelchair?
00:21:48Yeah, the guy was like 100 years old.
00:21:49Of course he was.
00:21:50Of course.
00:21:51Anyway, he's rolling away, and I go, that all you got?
00:21:54There we go.
00:21:55Oh, man.
00:21:56Big, big mistake on my part.
00:21:59He came right back, took his little oxygen tube off his face.
00:22:03He stuck it right up my ass.
00:22:05Oh, my God.
00:22:05And he cranked it to full.
00:22:07This guy, he blows me up like I'm a frigging balloon.
00:22:09Oh, my God.
00:22:11That's a unique punishment.
00:22:13It sure was.
00:22:14Man, that's what I'm saying.
00:22:15You know, everybody's got to be a tough guy these days.
00:22:17Hey, tell me about it.
00:22:19I'm at church a few weeks back.
00:22:21I turn to the guy behind me, and I say, peace be with you.
00:22:26He kicks my ass.
00:22:27What?
00:22:28I say, Father, how dare you?
00:22:30Oh, my God.
00:22:31You're ruining my daughter's wedding.
00:22:33Oh, it was the priest?
00:22:35Yes.
00:22:36You know the phrase, he put his foot in my ass?
00:22:39Oh, he didn't do that, did he?
00:22:40No, no, no.
00:22:41He put my foot in my ass.
00:22:44Both of them.
00:22:45Oh, my God.
00:22:46Not your feets.
00:22:48That's terrible.
00:22:49But other than that, it was a beautiful ceremony.
00:22:51It was a beautiful ceremony.
00:22:52I'll tell you, even the kids think they're tough guys now.
00:22:55The other day, I asked my son what he wants for breakfast, right?
00:22:58So he kicks my ass.
00:23:00Oh.
00:23:01I look at my wife.
00:23:02I go, what's wrong with this kid?
00:23:03And she kicks my ass.
00:23:05That's insane.
00:23:05Some of the tough guys are girls.
00:23:07Absolutely.
00:23:08Absolutely.
00:23:09You know, life used to be a little more civilized.
00:23:11A few years back, I had words with this tough guy,
00:23:14but we didn't fight.
00:23:15Instead, he picked up a dirty quarter off the ground,
00:23:19and he said I had to keep it in my mouth forever.
00:23:23And if he ever saw me, he was gonna yell,
00:23:26quarter check, and if it weren't in there,
00:23:29he was gonna kick my ass.
00:23:31Oh.
00:23:31That's tough.
00:23:32Those days are long gone, man.
00:23:34Listen to this.
00:23:35Christmas Eve, right, I'm at a bar, and I go,
00:23:38hey, everybody, this next round is on me, right?
00:23:41And this tough guy goes, I don't need no charity,
00:23:44you a-hole.
00:23:46And then he kicked your ass.
00:23:49I wish.
00:23:50He captured me.
00:23:53What do you mean, he captured you?
00:23:54He captured me.
00:23:55I don't know how else to say it.
00:23:57That guy captured me.
00:23:59He puts me in a dog cage in his basement.
00:24:03Right?
00:24:04He's giving me a gummy bear every eight hours.
00:24:07Every eight hours, I get one gummy bear.
00:24:09A yellow one, too.
00:24:10Not even a red one.
00:24:11A yellow gummy bear.
00:24:12Right?
00:24:13And at first, I'm pissed off.
00:24:15But a few weeks go by, and I realize, I go,
00:24:17I'm actually excited to see him.
00:24:19You know, when he comes home, I'm pumped up
00:24:22because he's finally gonna give me my little gummy bear.
00:24:24I'm waiting for my gummy bear.
00:24:26You know, I want it bad.
00:24:28And he's training me, is what he's doing.
00:24:30I'm like his dog, you know?
00:24:31And he even...
00:24:32One day, he leaves the cage unlocked,
00:24:34but I don't run away.
00:24:36Oh, because you're a good boy.
00:24:38Exactly.
00:24:39I'm a good boy now, you know?
00:24:41I'm learning tricks.
00:24:42I'm not having accidents no more.
00:24:45I'm peeing where I'm supposed to go.
00:24:46I'm doing what I gotta do, you know?
00:24:48And sometimes, I think about leaving, you know?
00:24:50But then I say to myself, don't be a moron.
00:24:53If you leave, you're not gonna get your gummy bear.
00:24:56You know what I am?
00:24:56That's right.
00:24:57And besides, by now, I'm dedicated to this guy.
00:25:00You know what I mean?
00:25:01I love him.
00:25:02He's my whole world.
00:25:03I tell him, I go to him, I go, I belong to you.
00:25:06I'm your creature now.
00:25:08I would die for you.
00:25:12So then what happened?
00:25:14Well, then he kicked my ass.
00:25:16He waited until I loved him, and then he kicked my ass.
00:25:20I'm like, what the hell doing all this?
00:25:21Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:25:22Watch out. Tough guy.
00:25:23Three o'clock.
00:25:24Oh, no.
00:25:24Hey, corner check!
00:25:25Oh!
00:25:26All right.
00:25:27It's right here, boss.
00:25:28It's still in there.
00:25:30Good.
00:25:34Everybody's a tough guy these days.
00:25:36I think we should take some class.
00:25:38I think we should take some class.
00:25:39I think we should take some class.
00:25:45Ever wish you knew how your cat was feeling?
00:25:48Yes!
00:25:48Every dang day.
00:25:49Well, now you can.
00:25:51How?
00:25:51Wow.
00:25:52With Tidy Care Kitty Litter.
00:25:54Whoa.
00:25:55Tidy Care Kitty Litter provides color-changing crystals for your cat's health monitoring.
00:25:59With new Tidy Care technology, our kitty litter crystals turn orange at the first sign of a
00:26:04health issue, and green when your little fur baby is as healthy as can be.
00:26:08That's incredible.
00:26:09Thanks, Tidy Care.
00:26:11Oh.
00:26:11What does blue mean?
00:26:13Don't, uh, don't worry about it.
00:26:16Oh.
00:26:17Okay.
00:26:18Great.
00:26:20Hi, honey.
00:26:22Hi.
00:26:22Hi.
00:26:23It's blue again.
00:26:24It is?
00:26:24Yeah.
00:26:25Huh.
00:26:26Well, is the guy still here?
00:26:28Oh, I don't...
00:26:29I'm here.
00:26:30Oh.
00:26:31What does blue mean?
00:26:32You don't want to know.
00:26:34Oh, we really do.
00:26:36Okay, but, uh...
00:26:38Okay.
00:26:39Our color-changing crystals change to a bright aquamarine blue at the first sign of human urine.
00:26:47What?
00:26:48The litter turns blue when people pee on them.
00:26:51But why?
00:26:52I don't know.
00:26:52It just...
00:26:53It just does.
00:26:55So that means someone in this house.
00:26:57Hey, Mom.
00:26:58Hey, Dad.
00:27:04You don't think our son...
00:27:06No.
00:27:07I do.
00:27:07Jesus Christ.
00:27:08Why are you still here?
00:27:10Come on.
00:27:11Don't you want to know who made it blue?
00:27:12It's the cat.
00:27:13Brother, blue ain't no cat.
00:27:15Good night, Mom.
00:27:16Good night, Dad.
00:27:16Good night.
00:27:17Good night.
00:27:19Well, we all know where he is.
00:27:20Stop!
00:27:28Damn it.
00:27:29There goes your cat theory, dumbass.
00:27:31Danny!
00:27:32Danny, get in here.
00:27:34Yeah, Dad?
00:27:35Are you peeing in the litter box?
00:27:37What?
00:27:38Are you peeing in the litter box?
00:27:41No!
00:27:41Don't lie to me!
00:27:42I'm not!
00:27:43I hate you!
00:27:44I hate you!
00:27:45I hate this house!
00:27:47It's a weird kid.
00:27:49Why would you ask him something like that, Dennis?
00:27:52He's 16!
00:27:52The crystals were blue, Megan.
00:27:54They were blue.
00:27:55Will you cure yourself right now?
00:27:56It was the cat!
00:27:58She's just as dumb as the sun.
00:27:59Will you stay out of this?
00:28:00He doesn't do anything wrong.
00:28:01He's a good kid.
00:28:03I mean, he plays cello, for Christ's sake.
00:28:04And pees in the litter box.
00:28:06Shut up!
00:28:07Well, then you tell me what's going on, Megan,
00:28:09because it sure as hell wasn't me.
00:28:10And if it wasn't him, then...
00:28:13You.
00:28:15Dennis.
00:28:16Oh, my God, it was you.
00:28:18How?
00:28:19How?
00:28:19I am a woman!
00:28:20I would have to squat so low!
00:28:22It all makes sense.
00:28:24I haven't seen you pee for days.
00:28:26You've never seen me pee.
00:28:29Exactly.
00:28:29You're nuts!
00:28:30I'm nuts!
00:28:31I'm nuts!
00:28:32Then what's this, huh?
00:28:33This entire litter box is blue!
00:28:35You made the whole thing blue!
00:28:37What's the cat?
00:28:38Blue ain't no cat!
00:28:40Hey, guys.
00:28:41What?
00:28:42Is that your dog?
00:28:44Yeah.
00:28:45My bad.
00:28:46Blue can also mean dog.
00:28:48Why wouldn't you say that?
00:28:50Tiny care kitty litter.
00:28:51It's usually the sun.
00:29:16Ladies and gentlemen, Noah Khan.
00:29:25The park kept the cold the last time that we talked about anything but looking out for cops.
00:29:37We got cigarette burns on the same side of our hands
00:29:42We ain't friends, we're just horrors
00:29:45We broke skin in the same spot
00:29:51You know I think about you all the time
00:29:57My deep misunderstanding of your life
00:30:03How bad it must have been for you back there
00:30:09How hard it was to keep it all inside
00:30:14I hope you settle down, I hope you marry rich
00:30:19I hope you're scared of all the ordinary bits
00:30:25Like murderers and girls with cancer on your skin
00:30:32And not your soul, but what he might do with it
00:30:47You inched yourself across the great divide
00:30:54Trove aimlessly along the twin-state line
00:30:58I heard nothing but the bass and every ballad that you played
00:31:05While you swore to God the singer wrecked your mind
00:31:10The world is scared of hesitating things
00:31:16Yeah, they only shoot the birds you cannot see
00:31:22And I'm finally aware of how petty and unfair
00:31:29What's the fear was to stare at that everything was fine
00:31:37Oh, I think about you all the time
00:31:43I think about you all the time
00:31:45You might need misunderstanding of your life
00:31:47You might need misunderstanding of your life
00:31:50The time that must have been through back then
00:31:55How hard it was to keep it all inside
00:32:00I hope you settle down, I hope you're very rich
00:32:05I hope you're scared of only your very niche
00:32:11Like murderers and girls with cancer on your skin
00:32:18They're not your soul, but he might do it
00:32:30Raines, snow waves
00:32:35But did you wish that I could know you, friend?
00:32:46Sometimes I wasn't brave enough to go
00:32:53I hope you settle down, I hope you're very rich
00:32:58I hope you're scared of only ordinariness
00:33:05Like murderers and girls with cancer on your skin
00:33:10They're not your soul, but he might do it
00:33:40I hope you threw a brick right into that stained glass
00:33:46I hope you're with someone who isn't scared to ask
00:33:51I hope that you're not losing sleep about what's next
00:33:58Or about your soul and what he might do with it
00:34:24I hope you've eyed all your bolts
00:34:30Ash Picasso
00:34:32Guy
00:34:38It's Weekend Update
00:34:39with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
00:34:52Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.
00:34:54Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
00:34:55I'm Colin Jost.
00:35:00Well, this week, Secretary of State
00:35:02Marco Rubio...
00:35:03...Rubio!
00:35:09Marco Rubio traveled to Italy
00:35:12to meet with Pope Leo
00:35:13in an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship
00:35:16with the Vatican
00:35:16after the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance.
00:35:22During their meeting, Marco...
00:35:24Rubio!
00:35:27...also presented the Pope
00:35:29with the gift of an egg-shaped crystal,
00:35:31which he bought on his favorite religious website,
00:35:34AdamandEve.com.
00:35:38The Pentagon on Friday released
00:35:39never-before-seen files on UFOs,
00:35:42but don't worry,
00:35:43the most dangerous flying objects
00:35:44have already been eliminated.
00:35:48The Supreme Court temporarily restored
00:35:50mail-order access to abortion pills,
00:35:53citing prom season.
00:35:59World health authorities
00:36:00are tracking down dozens of passengers
00:36:02who left a cruise ship
00:36:04where there was a deadly outbreak of Hantavirus,
00:36:06which is typically caused by exposure
00:36:08to rodent droppings.
00:36:10Damn it, that better not be you, Mickey.
00:36:17That's dumb.
00:36:18That's dumb.
00:36:20Officials around the world
00:36:21are tracking passengers
00:36:22potentially infected with the virus,
00:36:24which sounds scary,
00:36:25but let the president calm your fears.
00:36:28Have you been briefed on the virus?
00:36:29Yes, I have.
00:36:30It's very much, we hope, under control.
00:36:33Oh, my God, that's such great news.
00:36:37But why does that sound familiar?
00:36:40Are there words about a pandemic at this point?
00:36:41No, we're not at all,
00:36:42and we're...
00:36:43We have it totally under control.
00:36:46It's one person coming in from China,
00:36:48and we have it under control.
00:36:50It's, uh, gonna be just fine.
00:36:54And it was.
00:36:58So...
00:37:01I didn't need the thumbs.
00:37:04President Trump dismissed
00:37:06weapons fire between the U.S. and Iran
00:37:08as a love tap.
00:37:09He also called gas prices
00:37:11gentle sodomy.
00:37:16FBI Director Cash Patel...
00:37:17Patel!
00:37:20Ah, well played.
00:37:22FBI Director Cash Patel
00:37:24has reportedly been giving out bottles
00:37:26of his personalized whiskey
00:37:28to FBI staff.
00:37:29Cash Patel whiskey.
00:37:31So strong,
00:37:32you won't be able to see straight.
00:37:37Jeffrey.
00:37:40Jeffrey.
00:37:42Even I have limits.
00:37:46Jeffrey Epstein's alleged suicide note
00:37:48was released
00:37:49that contains the phrase,
00:37:53which is apparently referencing a line
00:37:55from a Little Rascals movie.
00:37:57And I think this note is real
00:37:59because Little Rascals
00:38:00were Epstein's type.
00:38:08Health Secretary RFK Jr. posted a picture
00:38:11of himself holding a bird
00:38:13he caught at Dulles Airport.
00:38:15And then a second picture
00:38:17of himself burping feathers.
00:38:22The FDA has authorized
00:38:24its first fruit-flavored e-cigarette
00:38:26intended for adults.
00:38:27Okay, but if it's for adults,
00:38:29then why is this the commercial?
00:38:35This week, President Trump
00:38:37met at the White House
00:38:38with the president of Brazil,
00:38:40a parrot with a BBL.
00:38:46I really wanted that one to work.
00:38:47Kamala Harris has reportedly told donors
00:38:50that she wants the DNC
00:38:52to release its autopsy
00:38:53of what went wrong
00:38:54in the 2024 campaign.
00:38:57Autopsy?
00:38:57Come on, he's not dead.
00:39:05Remember the parrot?
00:39:07The Met Gala
00:39:08took place in New York this week.
00:39:10Here to give his thoughts
00:39:11on fashion's biggest night
00:39:12is conservative political commentator
00:39:14Tucker Carlson.
00:39:19Thank you, Colin.
00:39:21The Met Gala.
00:39:22A night of fashion and fun.
00:39:24Huh.
00:39:25Really?
00:39:26Yes.
00:39:27Come on, everybody.
00:39:28Let's all prance around
00:39:29in our $100,000 clown outfits
00:39:31and watch the American Empire crumble.
00:39:34What are we doing?
00:39:36What's going on?
00:39:38So you didn't like
00:39:39this year's Met Gala?
00:39:40Oh, no.
00:39:41I loved it
00:39:42because when I go to a museum,
00:39:43I don't want to talk about history.
00:39:45No.
00:39:46I want to look at the rock
00:39:47in a skirt.
00:39:49Do you smell what the rock is cooking?
00:39:51Because I do.
00:39:52It's gender confusion.
00:39:54That's the rule.
00:39:55That's the goal now.
00:39:57I don't think that's the goal.
00:39:59I think it feels like
00:40:00meant to be fun.
00:40:01Okay, well, what about Madonna?
00:40:03She named herself
00:40:04after the Virgin Mary.
00:40:05And you want to know
00:40:06my favorite thing
00:40:07about the mother of Jesus Christ?
00:40:09Oh, I know.
00:40:09The big pirate ship on her head.
00:40:12And I have to be
00:40:14attracted to this?
00:40:16You don't have to be
00:40:17attracted to any of it.
00:40:18I mean, weren't there
00:40:19any outfits you liked?
00:40:20I mean, Heidi Klum's
00:40:21was fun, right?
00:40:21Oh, yes.
00:40:22The left has finally gotten
00:40:24what they've always wanted.
00:40:25They put the Statue of Liberty
00:40:26in a burka.
00:40:33All right.
00:40:34Dad, you know...
00:40:35No.
00:40:36You know...
00:40:38You know that's not
00:40:39what she was doing.
00:40:40Oh, what's next?
00:40:41Does the Chrysler Building
00:40:42become the Anti-Chrysler Building?
00:40:44What are we doing?
00:40:46What's going on?
00:40:48Is this the New York
00:40:49we want to live in, Colin?
00:40:51Don't you live in, like, Maine?
00:40:52Yes.
00:40:53And let's talk about Maine.
00:40:55M-A-I-N-E?
00:40:58Huh.
00:40:59Really?
00:41:00The E is silent.
00:41:01But who silenced it?
00:41:02And why?
00:41:05What the hell
00:41:06are you talking about?
00:41:08You're talking about
00:41:08the silent E in Maine now.
00:41:11I'm glad you brought it up, Colin.
00:41:13I did.
00:41:14And what does that E stand for?
00:41:15Oh, I know.
00:41:17Euphoria.
00:41:18No.
00:41:19Oh, yes.
00:41:20Euphoria.
00:41:20And no, I'm not talking
00:41:22about the feeling I get
00:41:23when I press 1 for English.
00:41:29Come on, man.
00:41:30Oh!
00:41:31And look who's next
00:41:32coming down the runway.
00:41:33It's Jafar Jackson,
00:41:34who had the gall
00:41:36to show up after starring
00:41:37in the Michael Jackson movie.
00:41:39Oh, yeah.
00:41:39Some people were very upset
00:41:40about that movie, yeah.
00:41:41And they should be.
00:41:42The movie ends in 1988,
00:41:44so obviously they avoided
00:41:46something serious
00:41:47that needs to be acknowledged.
00:41:49The part of Michael Jackson's life
00:41:51no one wants to talk about anymore.
00:41:53Of course, I'm talking about
00:41:54the part when he was a white man.
00:41:56Okay.
00:41:57Oh!
00:41:58Sorry, kids.
00:41:58Michael Jackson doesn't get
00:41:59to live a beautiful white life anymore.
00:42:01Huh.
00:42:02Who does that remind me of?
00:42:03Oh, that's right.
00:42:04All of us.
00:42:06That's the rule.
00:42:07That's the goal now.
00:42:09Shamona?
00:42:10Yeah.
00:42:10More like shame on ya.
00:42:13Oh, Jesus, dude.
00:42:16That's just awful.
00:42:17And now,
00:42:18a word from our sponsor.
00:42:19What?
00:42:19Round bananas.
00:42:21You want to eat bananas
00:42:22without looking gay?
00:42:23Try round bananas.
00:42:26No.
00:42:27You can't do ad reads
00:42:28on the show.
00:42:29Now, let's talk about
00:42:30A$AP Rocky outfit.
00:42:32A$AP Rocky's outfit.
00:42:34He was on the red carpet
00:42:35wearing my least favorite color,
00:42:37African American.
00:42:38No.
00:42:39Tucker Carlson, everyone.
00:42:41Tucker Carlson.
00:42:42Come on.
00:42:43Do it.
00:42:44Do it.
00:42:46Do it.
00:42:46Do it.
00:42:46Do it.
00:42:50Do it.
00:42:52Tina Charles,
00:42:53the WNBA's all-time lead
00:42:55and rebounder,
00:42:56announced that she is retiring.
00:42:58Charles credits
00:42:58her rebounding success
00:42:59to WNBA players
00:43:01missing a lot.
00:43:07Okay.
00:43:09This week was
00:43:10Teacher Appreciation Week,
00:43:12so thank you.
00:43:16Teacher Appreciation Week,
00:43:17so thank you to the
00:43:18greatest teacher of all time,
00:43:20Dad's Belt.
00:43:24Want to take back
00:43:25the applause?
00:43:27Kyle Rittenhouse,
00:43:29who opened fire
00:43:29at a 2020 Civil Rights Rally,
00:43:31was being treated
00:43:32after being bitten
00:43:33by a venomous spider
00:43:34and posted this picture
00:43:36from the hospital.
00:43:37And you can see
00:43:38where the spider bite
00:43:39left two fat lumps.
00:43:41Yeah.
00:43:45A woman in Florida
00:43:46was arrested
00:43:47after she allegedly
00:43:48kicked a boy
00:43:49at a youth football game.
00:43:50But on the bright side,
00:43:52it's good.
00:43:55It's so dumb.
00:43:58This week,
00:43:58military officials
00:43:59would not officially
00:44:00confirm or deny reports
00:44:01of the U.S.
00:44:02using kamikaze dolphins
00:44:04with mines strapped
00:44:05to their bodies
00:44:06against Iranian battleships.
00:44:08Here to end the debate
00:44:09are two kamikaze dolphins.
00:44:16We're ready to die for your country,
00:44:18and that's all you've got for us!
00:44:20On your feet!
00:44:23On your feet!
00:44:24On your feet!
00:44:25Yeah, all right.
00:44:27On your feet!
00:44:28You're choking on your feet!
00:44:29Okay.
00:44:30I gotta say,
00:44:31I'm shocked you guys are real.
00:44:32How do you even become
00:44:32a kamikaze dolphin?
00:44:34Oh, you go, go, go.
00:44:35Dude, the same way
00:44:35everybody goes to the Army.
00:44:37Recruiter came by our reef,
00:44:39and he said he had an opportunity.
00:44:41And frankly, Colin,
00:44:43I had hit reef bottom
00:44:44at this point,
00:44:45and my life had no porpoise.
00:44:49Wow.
00:44:50Oh.
00:44:52So you guys,
00:44:53you guys are cool
00:44:54just like swimming into a boat
00:44:55and blowing yourselves up.
00:44:57Yeah, man.
00:44:58I mean, there's not a lot of options
00:45:00for dolphins, Colin.
00:45:01I mean, what,
00:45:02we go to SeaWorld?
00:45:03I'd rather die
00:45:04than live in Orlando, man.
00:45:08Plus, if a dolphin dies
00:45:09an honorable death in heaven,
00:45:11you're rewarded
00:45:12with 72 sturgeons.
00:45:15Oh.
00:45:16Oh, you're lost!
00:45:17It's a porpoise!
00:45:19It's a porpoise!
00:45:20It's a porpoise!
00:45:21It's a good park!
00:45:23Surgeons instead of virgins!
00:45:26Oh.
00:45:27Dude, look at my tail, Colin.
00:45:28Look at my tail.
00:45:30Look at what we can do.
00:45:32Do you see what we do?
00:45:34What are you doing
00:45:36while you're waiting
00:45:36to be deployed?
00:45:37Can I ask?
00:45:38Oh.
00:45:40What else, man?
00:45:41Having sex
00:45:42as much as possible.
00:45:43Yeah, right.
00:45:43Regular dolphins
00:45:44are already mad horny,
00:45:46but dolphins who know
00:45:47they're gonna die soon?
00:45:48Oh, yeah.
00:45:49We're a problem.
00:45:50Yeah, dude.
00:45:51I got a deep ocean kink.
00:45:53You know what I'm saying, Colin?
00:45:55I've been swimming down
00:45:56to the dark zone,
00:45:58smashing some freaky fuglies.
00:46:00Angler fish with a light on it
00:46:02blew its back out last night.
00:46:05Oh, no.
00:46:06You know that light?
00:46:07You'll love this.
00:46:08I put that light on its head
00:46:09in my mouth.
00:46:13And I watched.
00:46:16Yeah.
00:46:18I watched it.
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:20But me personally,
00:46:21I like a thick bitch.
00:46:24I swam my ass up to a big old honey
00:46:28the other day.
00:46:29Let's just say
00:46:30I turned that blue whale
00:46:31into a sperm whale.
00:46:33Bam!
00:46:34Bam!
00:46:35Bam!
00:46:36Bam!
00:46:38Bam!
00:46:38Bam!
00:46:40Alright, let's, uh, let's switch gears.
00:46:46How do you know
00:46:47which boat to even swim into?
00:46:49Can I ask?
00:46:49We don't.
00:46:50We're dolphins.
00:46:51We're just swimming
00:46:53with this stuff, man.
00:46:54But if you have fish,
00:46:55we work for you.
00:46:56That's kind of how it is.
00:46:57So if I have fish,
00:46:59you'll work for me?
00:47:00Yeah.
00:47:00Yep.
00:47:00And you guys can sink
00:47:01any type of boat?
00:47:03Like, let's say,
00:47:04a ferry that's a huge...
00:47:06a huge financial drain
00:47:08on its owner.
00:47:09Yep.
00:47:09Yep.
00:47:10If you got fish,
00:47:11we'll do it.
00:47:11Well, then, fellas,
00:47:13I think I've got a job for you.
00:47:15Yeah!
00:47:16Bam!
00:47:17Boosie Dolphins, everyone.
00:47:20Yeah!
00:47:22Come out of here.
00:47:23Come out of here.
00:47:29Doris Fisher,
00:47:30the co-founder of The Gap,
00:47:31has died at the age of 94.
00:47:33She has survived
00:47:35by her Gap kids.
00:47:40A group of middle school students
00:47:42in Mississippi
00:47:42kept their bus from crashing
00:47:44after the driver
00:47:45passed out behind the wheel.
00:47:46The town says the kids
00:47:48are heroes who acted quickly,
00:47:50while the bus driver
00:47:51says the kids
00:47:52robbed me of the death
00:47:53I have long begged for.
00:47:57A DoorDash driver
00:47:58in New York
00:47:59has been indicted
00:48:00on charges
00:48:00that she recorded
00:48:01a passed-out naked customer
00:48:03and posted it on TikTok.
00:48:05And even worse,
00:48:06she didn't even get
00:48:06my good side.
00:48:11This is not a very good side.
00:48:14Thanks.
00:48:15Police in New Jersey
00:48:16are investigating
00:48:16a construction site
00:48:18after a port-a-potty
00:48:19mysteriously exploded.
00:48:21Though in New Jersey,
00:48:22that's just the sound
00:48:23of an angel
00:48:24getting its wings.
00:48:27That's beautiful.
00:48:29A recent study
00:48:29found that people
00:48:30who are chronically late
00:48:31are more likely
00:48:32to be viewed
00:48:32by their peers
00:48:33as unpleasant.
00:48:34Here to comment
00:48:35on this is Jane Wickline.
00:48:38Hi.
00:48:41Hello,
00:48:41and I'm so sorry again
00:48:42about being late today.
00:48:43Oh, yeah.
00:48:44It's, you know,
00:48:45it's just,
00:48:45don't take this the wrong way.
00:48:46I just don't understand
00:48:47how you can be late
00:48:47for a job
00:48:48that starts at 11.30 p.m.
00:48:49Right.
00:48:51Yeah, I know.
00:48:52I have a really hard time
00:48:53being on time places,
00:48:54but I know the effect
00:48:55my lateness has on others,
00:48:56so I really,
00:48:57I want to make things right.
00:48:58I think that's good of you, Jane.
00:49:02This song is dedicated
00:49:03to everyone I've ever
00:49:04made wait for me,
00:49:05and it comes
00:49:06from the bottom of my heart.
00:49:10Everyone's asking my ETA.
00:49:13Everyone has to get off my ass.
00:49:16No one needs to know
00:49:17if I'm on my way.
00:49:18Calm the F down
00:49:20and focus on you.
00:49:25I am late.
00:49:27What are you gonna do?
00:49:28Nothing.
00:49:29I thought so.
00:49:32I am late,
00:49:34and I'm not gonna text you.
00:49:35I'm not even rushing.
00:49:37Maybe I'll walk.
00:49:40Yeah, I thought you wanted
00:49:41to make things right.
00:49:42Oh, I am.
00:49:44Someone texts the chat.
00:49:46They're running
00:49:46three minutes behind.
00:49:47It must be a holiday
00:49:48where we say useless stuff.
00:49:51Dan says the theater
00:49:53doesn't have previews.
00:49:54Take a Klonopin, Dan.
00:49:56You're stressing me out.
00:50:00You wanna know
00:50:01if I'm on my way?
00:50:04Guess what, bitch?
00:50:06I'm gonna show up
00:50:0740 minutes late
00:50:08with an ice cream cone.
00:50:1040 minutes late
00:50:11with an ice cream cone.
00:50:1340 minutes late
00:50:14with an ice cream cone.
00:50:15I'll look you straight
00:50:16in the eyes,
00:50:17say the trains were slow.
00:50:20With ice cream
00:50:21dripping all down my hand.
00:50:2340 minutes late
00:50:24than ice cream cone.
00:50:26It just, it seems like
00:50:28you aren't respecting
00:50:28other people's time.
00:50:30Well, it's more
00:50:30complicated than that.
00:50:32It's not that I don't
00:50:34respect your time.
00:50:35It's just that looking
00:50:36at my phone matters
00:50:37more than our friendship.
00:50:40People should build
00:50:41their schedules around me
00:50:43and generally treat me
00:50:44like I am God.
00:50:47Introducing our lovely
00:50:49back-up dancers
00:50:50Lola and Rebecca!
00:50:57Alright, give it up for them.
00:50:58Sorry, where are they?
00:51:00Um, they're late
00:51:01as is their right.
00:51:04If I were early
00:51:06then I would have to wait
00:51:07and I would rather it be you.
00:51:09So I'm gonna show up
00:51:1040 minutes late
00:51:11with an ice cream cone.
00:51:13I'm 40 minutes late
00:51:14and I'm on my phone.
00:51:1540 minutes late
00:51:16six melting scoops
00:51:18I tried like
00:51:19a hundred samples
00:51:2140 minutes late
00:51:22and I picked vanilla
00:51:24There was a huge line
00:51:26and I paid with a check.
00:51:30I was born late
00:51:31and I will die never
00:51:32I will get there
00:51:33when I get there
00:51:34if I get there
00:51:35I am late
00:51:36and that won't kill you
00:51:38You can all go to hell
00:51:39You can go to hell
00:51:40I'm late
00:51:41Jane Wickline, everyone.
00:51:46They're here now
00:51:48can we get an update
00:51:49on college grades
00:51:49I'm Michael Sheridan Magical
00:51:5230-1 2
00:51:54or something late
00:52:05There's a huge margin
00:52:07ofأن
00:52:10You're here today
00:52:11Well done
00:52:11tell me
00:52:11You
00:52:13A
00:52:15so again uh those are some of the key elements of the roaring 20s and mr colony uh connelly
00:52:22will go into greater detail when he's feeling better and uh he's back in class hopefully
00:52:26tomorrow any questions okay well we're almost out of time um just before i go i just want to say
00:52:34that it has been an honor and a privilege to be your substitute teacher these past few days and
00:52:39you've all been so attentive and respectful and that's not always the case i can tell you um so
00:52:46since you've been so well behaved i just have a little treat um i thought maybe for the last few
00:52:54minutes uh i'd give everyone a chance just to kind of let loose uh get out of your seats and
00:52:59you know
00:53:00dance a little bit all right all right here we go let's do it guys here we go that's it
00:53:07we're just
00:53:08gonna let loose just come on up and dance here we go we don't get to do this every day
00:53:12i know
00:53:13come on here we go we're gonna get the wiggles out you know let's just get into our bodies a
00:53:17little
00:53:17bit we're gonna kind of feel that just feels feels good to be in your body david i see you
00:53:22you're ready
00:53:23to let loose come on up come on buddy don't be afraid to dance with your teacher it's okay come
00:53:28on david come on get up here wait isabel wait isabel hang on hang on hang on is he i
00:53:35know look i know
00:53:36you're shy you're shy okay but on the dance floor i have a feeling you're gonna be like
00:53:40shakira come on let's do some of that come on hey sammy sammy we all know you can dance
00:53:46come on come on up here show us what you got wait wait i see franklin's about he's about ready
00:53:52to
00:53:53jump in here franklin come on gonna come take over my spot you want to take my territory let's go
00:53:58move over teach you know let's see wait franklin's feeling it come on wait wait jesse hold on wait
00:54:02is jesse gonna jesse's gonna beat franklin up here oh we got a battle coming guys girl get up here
00:54:08come on girl don't play me girl come on let's come on let's wait daphne knows what i'm talking
00:54:13about right daphne huh daphne's about to break out some of those spot mister moves right daphne
00:54:19come on we're vibing now and amber oh i see amber about to make a move oh look out it's
00:54:25an amber
00:54:25alert it's an amber alert y'all go amber go amber well amber we are feeling it now rick's feeling
00:54:33it
00:54:33too rick right rick come on let's go rick and franklin are about to tag team up here
00:54:37oh here we go now it's about to kick off franklin rick franklin rick franklin rick
00:54:43come on uh-oh i'm about to catch a daphne i'm on a fishing expedition oh here we go oh
00:54:48let's pull
00:54:49her in let's pull her in wait she's putting up a fight but she's about to flop on this dance
00:54:54floor
00:54:54come on let's get those wiggles out daphne come on let's do it come let's shake your booty with
00:54:59the substitute come on let's get some of that right you can't touch this can't touch this right we know
00:55:05this one can't touch this i'm bringing you back to my days come on everybody up let's go
00:55:11come on everybody up everybody down everybody up everybody down everybody down everybody
00:55:19champion everybody down everybody up everybody up now freeze
00:55:28all right all right well that was fun that was uh a lot of fun um a lot of fun
00:55:41really fun wow
00:55:42wow it's really a lot of fun um i might actually uh head out a little before you guys
00:55:56um maybe take the boom box and uh just kind of get in my car maybe leave
00:56:02um um just before you guys maybe just head home stay home you know maybe move maybe a different
00:56:09country um but yeah it's all good feeling good for the summer what hard to complain when it's almost
00:56:20summer so yeah yeah that was fun
00:56:24um that was really really really really really really fun um okay thanks
00:56:44did did that happen
00:56:50i prefer to pretend that it didn't happen okay guys i can see him he's in the parking lot
00:56:59he's just kind of standing there with his head against the tree
00:57:05hey rick isn't that your dad
00:57:21yeah yeah that's uh it's my dad
00:57:27hey i'm i'm sorry bro these next few weeks gonna be really really bad for you
00:57:38yeah they really are huh
00:57:41yeah
00:57:48yeah
00:57:53yeah
00:57:54yeah
00:57:55yeah
00:57:56yeah
00:57:56yeah
00:57:56yeah
00:57:56yeah
00:57:57yeah
00:57:58yeah
00:57:59yeah
00:58:08once again
00:58:10noah khan
00:58:36I grew up pretending sticks were little guns
00:58:42I would point them at my dad and he'd get mad
00:58:46Because God forbid I hurt someone
00:58:49I'd hurt anyone I could
00:58:54Anyone who got too close
00:58:56Anyone who wouldn't look
00:58:59I was born into a 100-year storm
00:59:05Foot of ash across Vermont
00:59:08In that dark, in that frost, the heart was born
00:59:12Malcontented and unworn
00:59:17You were unsuspected, not unborn
00:59:24You'd have the trouble ahead
00:59:27Got to sleep in my sleep
00:59:30You're putting money on rent
00:59:32I'm a short bed at Illusion Street
00:59:35I keep showing you doors
00:59:38But you can't open them up
00:59:41Cause it gets harder to see me
00:59:44Closer you try to look
00:59:46I just think fear, baby
00:59:48You're the one who decided to
00:59:50Know, you know
00:59:55Have you ever stared directly at the sun?
01:00:01Have you ever shared some closeness so exposed
01:00:05I've been spit back by someone
01:00:08So forgive me if I jump
01:00:12Have to rattle up your keys
01:00:15Oh, are you leaving?
01:00:17No, babe, I'm just waking up
01:00:20Now what?
01:00:23I'm not staring at the ceiling
01:00:26Listing reasons
01:00:27You should pack all your things up
01:00:30I'm in trouble ahead
01:00:32I just get in my sleep
01:00:35You're putting money on rent
01:00:38I'm sure a pair of Illusion Street
01:00:41I keep showing you doors
01:00:43But you can't open them up
01:00:47Cause it gets harder to see me
01:00:50Closer you try to look
01:00:52I just think fear, baby
01:00:54But you're the one who decided to know
01:00:57F&L
01:01:11I've come so long before the anger comes
01:01:17I'll be only what you've known of me till now
01:01:21Oh, I hope you're moving on
01:01:24I'm in trouble ahead
01:01:27I have to scream in my sleep
01:01:30Putting money on rent
01:01:32I'm sure a pair of Illusion Street
01:01:35I keep showing you doors
01:01:38But you can't open them up
01:01:41Cause it gets harder to see me
01:01:44Closer you try to look
01:01:46I just think fear, baby
01:01:48To the world
01:01:49I just think fear, baby
01:01:51To the world
01:01:52How to sleep, baby
01:01:54To the world
01:01:59Here you are
01:02:10I just think fear, baby
01:02:11I just think fear, baby
01:02:13I just think fear, baby
01:02:15I just think fear, baby
01:02:17I just think fear, baby
01:02:18I just think fear, baby
01:02:18I just think fear, baby
01:02:19I just think fear, baby
01:02:19I just think fear, baby
01:02:20I just think fear, baby
01:02:20I just think fear, baby
01:02:21I just think fear, baby
01:02:25I just think fear, baby
01:02:48And now, a scene from the crumbling marriage of two auctioneers.
01:02:55I'm home, honey bunny, honey bunny, honey bunny.
01:02:57Can I get a smile? Can I get a hi? Can I get a hello?
01:02:59Honey bunny, can I get a hug?
01:03:00Honey bunny, honey bunny.
01:03:02Well, look who comes crawling home late as sin.
01:03:06Where have you been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been, been.
01:03:11I've been waiting here for two, two, two, three, three, three.
01:03:13Do I hear a four, four, four, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five hours?
01:03:17You said you'd be home by eight, eight, fifteen, eight, thirty, eight, thirty-five with Travis.
01:03:21Now it's eleven forty-five, eleven fifty.
01:03:23Do I hear eleven fifty-five, fifty-five, fifty-five, fifty-five, fifty-five?
01:03:25Midnight bulls coming from the man past his prime at a cowboy.
01:03:29I can explain, darling. It was bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper-to-bumper.
01:03:34I took I-10, I-10, I-10, Kinnigan and I-10. I took I-10 to I-20 to
01:03:37I-20, I-20, I-20, I-30, I-30, I-30, I-30.
01:03:40I got off at exit 40 and went straight through the Whataburger drive-thru and got a honey-butter chicken
01:03:45biscuit and took my time.
01:03:47Meanwhile, you got a woman waiting for you at home. Now, folks, this is a fine woman.
01:03:53This woman is lean and mean and ween. She weighs not 80 pounds, not 90, not 91, not 92, not
01:04:0092 and a half, not 92 and three quarters, not 98, not 98, not 98, not 98, not 98, not
01:04:0498, not 98.
01:04:04Much higher. Higher, higher, higher every single day since the day we were with.
01:04:09How dare you?
01:04:11Meanwhile, folks, I can smell it, I can smell it, I can smell it from here. You've been drinking, you've
01:04:15been drinking, you've been drinking.
01:04:15Was it one glass, two glass, three glass, four glass? Can I hear a bottle? One bottle, two bottle, three
01:04:19bottle, four bottle. How many bottles?
01:04:20Oh, that's rich coming from you when you rink a perfume and you got lip gloss on your collar. I
01:04:25know you're with them sinful girls. I know you're with Bella, Bailey, Bobby, Bambi, Bertie, Bulla, Buggy, Betsy, Betty, Bonnie,
01:04:32Brenda, and you with Samantha.
01:04:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, maybe.
01:04:35You were with Betty Botter and I bet you bought her butter.
01:04:38I would never buy her butter because I know your butter's better.
01:04:40I know you like her butter better because I bet her butter's hot.
01:04:42Now, how can you blame me, folks, when how many times have we had sex in the last year? Was
01:04:46it 20 times? 20 times? Can I get a 20? 20? Was it 10? Was it 10? Was it 10?
01:04:49Was it 10? Was it 10? Was it 10? Was it 5? Was it 4?
01:04:50No, no, the winner is zero sex in the last calendar year.
01:04:53Well, folks, there's a reason for that. Reasons I will illuminate presently.
01:05:00I had a headache. I had a backache. I had a toothache. I was close.
01:05:03I had a backache. I had a long night. I had a big lunch. I was tired.
01:05:06I had a phone call with my sister. I had a phone call with my mother.
01:05:09I had a fight on a phone call with my sister and mother.
01:05:10And I had a headache. I had a migraine.
01:05:12And most importantly, I'm old.
01:05:14And honey, buddy, the thought of your naked Whataburger body literally disgusts me.
01:05:20I want a divorce!
01:05:24You do?
01:05:26Well, maybe that'd be for the best.
01:05:29Well, folks, it has come to this.
01:05:32It looks as if this marriage is...
01:05:34No one wants, gone twice, last, ten, falls in these marriages!
01:05:38Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:05:40Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
01:05:44Do I hear you're getting the divorce?
01:05:45Play no conscience and color and embassy parties in my house.
01:05:47In my house? In my house? In my house? In my house? In my house?
01:05:48In my house? In my house? In my house? In my house?
01:05:50I know four of you, I just said the quiet part out loud, but don't worry boys, we have a
01:05:53special offer today.
01:05:53Who wants Daddy on weekends? Daddy on weekends? Daddy on weekends? Can't again Daddy on weekends?
01:05:57Nobody? Nobody? Okay, who wants Daddy on Christmas? Daddy on Christmas? Anybody want...
01:06:00Do we have...
01:06:01YUP!
01:06:02One taker. Now remember folks, this is Dad on Christmas. We're talking dirt bikes, PS5s, and pizza, pizza, pizza.
01:06:08YUP!
01:06:08The vibes will be worse at Daddy's house, but there will be more TV and a lot more rules. Less
01:06:13rules.
01:06:13All right, yup, I heard y'all yelling next door, and I'd like to make an offer on that little
01:06:18lady who is no longer smoking for...
01:06:21Neighbor Frank, bidding a little on me?
01:06:25Yes, ma'am, I am a freak in the bedroom. We can do it upside down on all fours, from
01:06:30the front, from the back, from the side, doggy style, piggy style, and country fry.
01:06:33Here you all fancy my wife has caused me to re-enter the bidding. Can I get a second chance?
01:06:38Can I get a second chance? Second chance? Second chance? Second chance? Second chance?
01:06:41How about a fourth chance? Can I get any kind of chance at all? Because to me, you are priceless.
01:06:45That's right, baby doll. You are priceless.
01:06:48Sold! To me! The happiest little lady on earth!
01:06:53YUP!
01:07:08YUP!
01:07:12What are you doing?
01:07:13Thank you to Noah Khan and Aziz Ansari.
01:07:15Thank you to the emergency cast and crew.
01:07:18And happy Mother's Day!
01:07:19To all the wonderful mothers out there.
01:07:21We love you!
01:07:22Awwh!
01:07:23Awwh!
01:07:25Awwh!
01:07:26Awwh!
01:07:26Awwh!
01:07:27Awwh!
01:07:27Awwh!
01:07:28Awwh!
01:07:37Awwh!
Comments