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Watch Nikki Glaser Good Girl () free full movie online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:24Be good, good, good, good
00:32Be good, good, good, good, good
00:52What's up, St. Louis?
01:00Thank you so much
01:02This is such a special night
01:04Thank you for being here
01:05Before we begin, I just want you to know that
01:07Every single person in here means
01:09So much money to me
01:11I am
01:12I am cleaning up tonight
01:14No, this is
01:16This is such a special night for you
01:19I am
01:21No, it's so special to me
01:23I am so happy to be doing this
01:24In St. Louis, Missouri
01:26My hometown
01:31Yep
01:31I actually love living in St. Louis so much
01:34Because so much of my career
01:36Is having to just look perfect
01:37And I just feel like
01:39Here I don't
01:43Have to try
01:44You know
01:46I can kind of give up
01:47You know
01:49Like you
01:54I don't get recognized a lot in St. Louis
01:56Because this is literally the best I've ever looked
01:58In this town
02:00I don't usually look this way
02:01So I get excited when it happens
02:03It actually happened earlier today at Starbucks
02:05This girl came up to me
02:06And she was like
02:07Are you?
02:08And I was like
02:08Yeah
02:09And she was like
02:10Oh, where there's a band-aid in your hair?
02:12And I was like
02:14Oh yeah, sorry
02:16She was like
02:17Now it's on your crock
02:18And so
02:21The St. Louis stiletto
02:26But I got gussied up for you tonight
02:28I got a spray tan for you guys
02:29Yes
02:30Thank you
02:32It is the number one way
02:33To look way hotter than you are
02:35You have to get a spray tan
02:37You look amazing
02:38You smell like a menstrual cup
02:41Now that's kind of the downside
02:43Of the spray tan
02:44You smell like you've been free bleeding
02:46Into an old boot
02:47But
02:49You look good
02:50So it's worth it
02:52Get your spray tans now though
02:53By the way
02:54I think they're going to be taken away
02:55From us pretty soon
02:56Because
02:56It is insane
02:58That white people
02:59Can just paint their skin
03:00A different color
03:01And then be like
03:02I'm white
03:02You know
03:03Like
03:03That's cultural appropriation
03:05I think
03:06I mean
03:06It's not black face
03:08But it is
03:08Guatemalan leg
03:10Like it's
03:11This isn't my leg tone
03:16You gotta get one
03:18It's um
03:18It's really easy
03:19You just go to a salon
03:20You ask for the airbrush
03:21They send you into a back room
03:23You get totally naked
03:24And then a teenage girl
03:26Comes in
03:29To learn about the future
03:30Of her body
03:31I mean
03:32Yeah
03:33I volunteer
03:34It's helpful
03:36They have no idea
03:37What befalls them
03:38Cause
03:39It all befallen
03:40I mean
03:41It's
03:42Oh god
03:44I swear to god
03:45Every time I turn around
03:46I hear a gasp
03:47Because
03:49I know what she's seeing
03:50She's seeing the folds
03:51Of my ass cheeks
03:52Just going down my leg
03:54You can tell how old
03:55A woman is by the folds
03:56It's like the rings of a tree
03:57You count
03:58And each fold is a decade
03:59And she's like
04:00Okay she's 40
04:01Huh
04:04She sprays you down
04:05With this like
04:06Agent orange
04:07I mean who even knows
04:08What this stuff is
04:09I'm breathing it in
04:10Every week
04:11I'm definitely going to get
04:12Some kind of lung disease
04:13From it
04:13I'm sure of it
04:14There's going to be
04:15Some like epidemic
04:16In 20 years
04:17Called like tan lung
04:18And it's going to be
04:20Ravaging old hot women
04:22And
04:25To be honest
04:25I'm actually really hoping
04:27For tan lung
04:28Because
04:29I'm going to need the gig
04:30They're going to have
04:31A class action lawsuit
04:32And I would love
04:34To be the face
04:35Of tan lung
04:36Cause
04:36My career's going great now
04:38But it can't last this long
04:39I know eventually
04:40Hollywood is going to
04:41Kick me out
04:41Cause I'm going to
04:42Do something horrible
04:43Like age naturally
04:45Yeah
04:46That's me too
04:47For women
04:47That's when they say
04:48Time's up bitch
04:50You know
04:51No
04:52Crows feet for women
04:53Are the same
04:54For men
04:55As decades of rape
04:56I think that's it
04:57That's where they go
04:58Get out
04:58You're a monster
05:02So I gotta take the gig
05:03That'll be a fun gig
05:04To be honest with you
05:05It'll be fun for you too
05:06In 20 years
05:07You turn on your TV
05:08You're like
05:08Who is that
05:09And I'm like
05:09I'm Nikki Glaser
05:14You may remember me
05:15From the roast of Tom Brady
05:17Just talking through my trach
05:19You know
05:20Tan lung is no laughing matter
05:22Like just
05:23Oh my god
05:24She's still alive
05:27That's so fun
05:28Maybe it's me and Snooki
05:29Like maybe we can get Snooki
05:30If she's still kicking
05:33Just those RFK junior-ing out
05:37That's what he
05:38He has tan lung
05:39We can all agree
05:39He's stage two
05:40It corresponds to the color
05:42He chose I think
05:44But it's all toxic
05:46You know
05:46Being a woman is a health hazard
05:47It really is
05:49But if it works
05:50It's worth it
05:51You know
05:51Spray tans
05:53They work
05:53Shapewear
05:54That's another thing
05:55Deeply uncomfortable
05:55But it works
05:56It just like
05:57Sucks you in here
05:58Like a blood pressure cuff
06:00And then it snatches
06:01Your lower intestine
06:02Into your asshole
06:03So those two
06:04Get to meet
06:05For the first time
06:06It gives you that
06:07Hourglass shape
06:08That men love
06:09They love when
06:10Your body looks like
06:11The timer in a game of Boggle
06:13They love
06:14That little hourglass
06:16That's why it's missing
06:17From all your board games
06:19Yeah
06:19Go check under
06:21Your teenage son's mattress
06:22That's what he's
06:23He's fondling it
06:24In his room
06:25That's why you hear him
06:26Yelling Yahtzee
06:27In the middle of the night
06:28That's it
06:30Your teenage son is coming
06:36The shapewear is intense
06:38Because it sucks you
06:38In so hard up here
06:40But then it's connected
06:41At the bottom right
06:41It's like a thong
06:42And then throughout the night
06:43It kind of just like
06:44Weasels its way up
06:45And just like
06:46Bullying you up the front
06:48It's crazy
06:49Do you ever go to the bathroom
06:50After wearing shapewear
06:51And you just lift up your skirt
06:52And it looks like
06:52You're cutting clay
06:53It's just like
06:54Bisecting you
06:55It goes deep dude
06:59Ugh
07:01And there's no snaps on it
07:02So you just gotta
07:03Pull it to the side
07:04It's soaked in piss
07:07Just shooting out
07:08In 18 different directions
07:09One's a perfect arc
07:10Like Calvin
07:12It's horrible
07:14You gotta really hook it up there
07:16And pull it down
07:17And your pussy's like
07:22And you snap it back up
07:25It's like
07:25I've got cauliflower clit
07:27I mean it's
07:28Beat up dude
07:33It's horrible
07:35But it's worth it
07:40These things are worth it
07:41You know
07:41Cause they make you look hotter
07:43They make you look fuckable
07:44And when you look fuckable
07:46Your life is great
07:47Like
07:48Everyone's nicer to you
07:49You get things
07:50Being fuckable
07:51There's so many perks
07:52I think we misunderstand
07:54Fuckable women
07:54Like I think sometimes
07:55We see a woman
07:56With big fake shiny tits
07:58And like
07:58Love Island lips
08:00And we're like
08:00Whoa
08:01She loves to get
08:02Dicked down
08:03And it's like
08:03No
08:05I think the worst part
08:06Of a fuckable woman's life
08:07Is getting fucked
08:08I think that's the worst
08:09Three to six minutes
08:11Of her month
08:11Is when
08:12She has to be penetrated
08:13In order to even ask
08:15For the new Range Rover
08:16I mean
08:16That's what she has to do
08:17To get it
08:19No
08:19Being hot
08:20Rules
08:22Being ugly
08:23That fucking sucks
08:24Dude
08:24We don't talk about that
08:25Right
08:25We don't talk about ugly people
08:27Cause no one's ugly
08:29Come on
08:30Like
08:30There's some people
08:32They're ugly
08:33It's not a bad thing to say
08:35People go
08:36That's so mean
08:36I'm like
08:37Is it
08:37It just means
08:38Their face isn't symmetrical
08:39Like it's
08:40I'm not saying
08:41They're a bad person
08:42It's not their fault
08:42I mean
08:43It's their parents fault
08:45For being cousins
08:46Or something
08:46But it's not their fault
08:48I'm saying
08:49I have sympathy
08:50For ugly people
08:51I see you
08:52And I don't want to
08:53But I see you
08:57Ugly people are discriminated against
08:58We don't talk about this
08:59But there have been scientists
09:00That have done a study
09:01These ugly scientists
09:03Got together
09:04And they were like
09:05Are we getting paid less?
09:07And it turns out
09:08That they are
09:08What they found is
09:10Ugly people make
09:1162 cents on the dollar
09:12That attractive people make
09:13So
09:14What they found is
09:15If you're gross
09:16You don't gross
09:17And
09:19It's sad
09:20Because ugly people
09:21Can't unionize
09:22Nothing will change
09:23What are they going to
09:24March with signs
09:25That are like
09:25We're revolting
09:26We're like
09:27We know
09:31You know
09:32The thing is
09:32We're all a little bit ugly
09:34I feel ugly sometimes
09:35And people go
09:36No you're not allowed
09:36To say that
09:37You're beautiful
09:37And listen
09:38I'm not a dog
09:39But like
09:39I have proof
09:40I'm a goofy looking girl
09:42Okay
09:42I did a roast one time
09:44On Comedy Central
09:45And Blake Griffin
09:46Got up there
09:46And he made a joke
09:47Where he said
09:48That I looked like
09:49Larry Bird
09:50And
09:52It wouldn't have hurt
09:54Unless I heard
09:55The crowd's reaction
09:56Which was
09:57As if
09:58It was the truest thing
09:59They had ever heard
10:00I mean
10:01It blew the roof
10:03Off the place
10:03It came in waves
10:05As people were googling it
10:06And being like
10:07Oh my god
10:08Like
10:08It wouldn't stop
10:12Devastating
10:12Larry Bird
10:13If you don't know
10:14Who Larry Bird is
10:15Just picture
10:16Larry Bird
10:18Okay
10:18He looks exactly
10:19Like his name
10:22I think his middle name
10:23Is The
10:24I mean
10:24No one
10:25Has ever looked
10:26So much like their name
10:27Since Peter Dinklage
10:28I mean
10:28It's insane
10:31I was devastated
10:36I have a hard time
10:37Having sympathy
10:37For hot women
10:38I get jealous
10:40Of hot women
10:40A lot
10:41It's probably
10:42Like the most
10:42Disgusting part
10:43About me
10:44Besides my pussy
10:45But that's
10:46We'll get into that later
10:48That's a little
10:49Foreshadowing
10:50Because
10:51Because it casts
10:52A shadow now
10:53But it's
10:56Get ready
11:00Yeah I don't know
11:01Hot girls
11:01Do you ever feel
11:02That way about them
11:03Where you're just like
11:04Like
11:06Like the worst
11:07It ever comes out
11:07In me
11:08Is like
11:08You know
11:08Like you hear
11:09About a woman
11:09That went missing
11:10And then you're like
11:11Oh my god
11:12And then you see
11:12A picture of her
11:13And you're like
11:14Bye
11:15Like
11:17Ta ta honey
11:19I'm not looking for you
11:21I'm not
11:21Joining this search party
11:24I'm tearing down posters
11:25Like a Columbia student
11:27Like I don't want you found
11:29I just moved up in line
11:31Because you're laying
11:31In a creek bed somewhere
11:33So I'm sorry about that
11:34But it's
11:38Sick
11:39But I do wonder
11:40Sometimes
11:41Because of my thoughts
11:41I'm like
11:42Am I a sociopath?
11:44And then ChatGPT
11:45Is like
11:45No queen
11:46You're perfect
11:47And I'm like
11:47I knew it
11:49Thanks ChatGPT
11:51You're my best friend
11:55But I'm still
11:56Working on it dude
11:57Like
11:57I'm going to get
11:58A facelift
11:58In a couple years
12:00And thank you
12:01For cheering that on
12:02Most people are like
12:02Don't
12:03Don't do it
12:04Thank you
12:05I don't know
12:06Whether to be insulted
12:06By you cheering it on
12:08Or not
12:08But I appreciate that
12:09What I don't want
12:11When I get a facelift
12:12Is anyone being like
12:12That's so sad
12:13She did that
12:14Why did she do that?
12:15And the answer is
12:16It's because
12:17It's going to lead
12:17To a better life for me
12:18I'm on TV a lot
12:19I'm going to look amazing
12:21I'm going to get better roles
12:22I'm going to get paid
12:22More for those roles
12:23I'm going to get
12:24Fire emojis
12:25From Kristen Cavallari
12:26Like
12:29Do you know
12:29How good it feels
12:30To have Bowen Yang
12:31Write diva
12:32With 19 A's
12:33Underneath the picture
12:34Of you
12:35Looks like
12:36You just fell asleep
12:37On the keyboard
12:38Because I was so slay
12:40Oh my god
12:42And so
12:43I'm going to get
12:43A facelift
12:44And I just
12:44I don't like
12:45How we shame women
12:46Who invest
12:47In their looks
12:47You know
12:48We find out
12:49A girl get a facelift
12:49And we're like
12:50That's really sad
12:51That's really sad
12:52That you just can't
12:52Accept the face
12:53You were born with
12:54And first of all
12:55This isn't the face
12:56I was born with
12:56Okay
12:57I was born with
12:58A baby's head
13:00I don't have
13:01A baby's head
13:01On a woman's body
13:02A reverse Ariana
13:04I don't have that
13:04You know
13:09I can improve it
13:12You know
13:12And it's not sad
13:14It's so sad
13:15You can't accept
13:15The face you have
13:16And it's like
13:17Why is that sad
13:18But then when women
13:19Spend you know
13:20Hundreds of thousands
13:21Of dollars
13:21On like
13:21A sociology degree
13:23No one's like
13:23That's really sad
13:24You can't accept
13:25Your dumb brain
13:26For what it is
13:27Why do you have
13:28To change it
13:28That's a really
13:30Bad example
13:30For your daughter
13:31And her dumb brain
13:32How she's supposed
13:32To feel that
13:33How about that
13:36But it's gonna look good
13:37My facelift
13:38Is gonna be so good
13:39I'm gonna spend
13:40The right amount
13:40Of money
13:40I'm gonna go
13:41To the right doctor
13:41Whoever chris jenner
13:43Went to
13:43I'm gonna find him
13:45We know
13:46You go to the right guy
13:47And it's amazing
13:48Face work is so good
13:49Now because people
13:50Are like what if
13:51They ruin your face
13:52I'm like it doesn't
13:53Happen anymore
13:53You know shout out
13:55To the ladies
13:55Of the 80s and 90s
13:57Who underwent
13:57Cosmetic procedures
13:59And sacrifice your faces
14:01So that we could have
14:04Amazing snatched jawlines
14:06Thank you so much
14:07For your service
14:07Thank you
14:09Oh my god
14:11When I see a woman
14:12With just like
14:13A very obvious
14:14Like she just walked
14:15Into a haunted house
14:16Kind of face
14:18I'm like thank you honey
14:19I feel like you should
14:20Board planes before veterans
14:21Like I truly
14:23You sacrificed so much
14:26Your face looked like
14:28It stepped on an IED
14:29Like it's
14:31You're the real
14:32Wounded warriors
14:37There are certain things
14:38I think that we do
14:39For beauty
14:39That I'm like
14:40Kind of giving up on
14:41Because I'm not
14:41Getting the return on them
14:42I think nails
14:43Are a waste of our time
14:44And energy
14:45I have a boyfriend
14:46Of 15 years
14:46He's never once noticed
14:48That I've gotten my nails
14:49Done ever
14:50And they go up
14:51His asshole
14:51So if he's not
14:52Clocking in
14:53Who cares
14:58I'm like babe
14:59I got him bedazzled
15:00For your pleasure
15:01Like there's rhinestones
15:02On it
15:03Is that not
15:04No
15:06But I'm sick
15:07Of getting my nails done
15:08You have to just sit there
15:09Every two weeks
15:10For two hours
15:11You can't be on your phone
15:12You can't do anything
15:14This is why we make
15:15Less money than men
15:16I think
15:16It's like these crucial hours
15:17During the day
15:18When you could be working
15:20Those hours
15:21Men are on their phones
15:22They're doing deals
15:23Cheating on you
15:24You're just
15:27Looking around the salon
15:29Like
15:30Bored out of your mind
15:31The best entertainment
15:33They have is
15:33Beat Bobby Flay
15:34On mute
15:35You're like
15:37Is that ricotta
15:38Or Greek yogurt
15:39Oh
15:40I'll never know
15:43It's not fun
15:44I think men think
15:45That women like
15:46To go to nail salons
15:47Like together
15:47And it's like a girls day
15:48And we just chit chat
15:49The whole time
15:49It's not like that
15:51Like you can go
15:52To the nail salon
15:52With a friend
15:53But you get separated
15:54At the border
15:55Immediately
15:55They do not
15:56Let you sit together
15:58They put you
15:59In the manicure station
16:00Her in the pedicure station
16:02You're just like
16:02Blinking morse code
16:04At each other
16:04Like
16:05Are you okay?
16:06You look over at her
16:07She's doing the worm
16:08In the massage chair
16:11Trying to talk herself
16:12Out of an $80 upcharge
16:14To remove her calluses
16:15That she needs to walk
16:16Like
16:33God
16:34It's so isolating
16:36So boring
16:37You can't talk to the woman
16:39Doing your nails
16:39Because
16:41Slavery
16:41I mean
16:42I don't know
16:42I don't know
16:45She seems sad
16:46And stuck
16:47Is it just me?
16:51I look at her name tag
16:53I'm like
16:53Her name's not
16:53Rebecca O'Malley
16:55Like this
16:57Something's being
16:58Covered up here
17:01And then
17:01At the end
17:02You go to Venmo them
17:02And you see their real name
17:03It looks like a license plate
17:04And you're like
17:05Okay
17:05Well this is
17:07This is the truth
17:11I don't know
17:12That they're slaves
17:13This is just
17:14This is all based
17:16On this article
17:17I read in the New York Times
17:18Like
17:18Ten years ago
17:20About New York City
17:21Nail salons
17:21And I was living in New York
17:22At the time
17:22So I was like
17:23What's going on?
17:24And it turns out
17:25They're like
17:25All indentured servants
17:27These women have
17:28Miserable lives
17:29It was really heartbreaking
17:29It was
17:30It was the kind of thing
17:31You read where you're like
17:32Well I can't
17:32Support that anymore
17:33And I was really proud
17:34Of myself
17:35Because I
17:35Immediately
17:36I stopped going
17:37For two weeks
17:38Because that's when
17:39My gels started peeling
17:41And I was like
17:42What do I do?
17:44And then you go back
17:45But if you wait two weeks
17:46That's fine
17:47That's long enough
17:48You wait two weeks
17:49And then you can
17:50Convince yourself like
17:51They fixed it
17:53Like someone got in there
17:54Shook things up
17:56Things are good
17:57And now I go back in
17:59I'm just a little bit nicer
18:00You know I walk in
18:01Kind of like
18:01Hi slaves
18:02Like I don't say it
18:03But I like
18:04Try to communicate it
18:05By furrowing my brow
18:07Like slaves
18:09And then you sit down
18:11And you have to just
18:12Stick your hands
18:13In little different
18:14Bowls of cancer
18:15I mean this is
18:16So toxic
18:19This is a solvent
18:20Meant to dissolve plastic
18:21And you're just resting
18:22Your fingers in it
18:24How can this be good?
18:25I don't even know
18:26What it is
18:27I try to read the label
18:27There's just like
18:28A picture of a baby's head
18:30With an X through it
18:31And I'm like
18:32I guess babies
18:34Shouldn't drink it
18:34That's probably
18:35What that means
18:37I need a new form
18:38Of birth control anyway
18:39So this is good
18:39This is really
18:41Really good
18:42And you just wait there
18:43Sometimes they make you
18:44Soak for so long
18:45Because they go
18:46And they work on
18:47Another client
18:48Or they give a handjob
18:49In the back
18:49You know just
18:50Their side work
18:51For getting done
18:54And you're like
18:55Okay
18:55I think I'm good
18:56Because it's like
18:57Starting to hit bone
18:58And so you're like
18:59I'm just gonna scoop
19:01My soggy phalanges out
19:04And that's always
19:05When they see you
19:05Don't ever do anything
19:06For yourself in a nail salon
19:07You wait to be told
19:08Because the second you do
19:09They go
19:10No, no, no
19:10Back in
19:11And they slap your hand
19:12And I'm like
19:12Oh my god
19:12So sorry
19:14Instantly back in
19:16You're the slave now
19:17Like just take it
19:19Like so sorry
19:23She takes out
19:24That dremel drill
19:24To get the plastic off
19:26She goes hard
19:27On that
19:29Locked eyed with you
19:31It's like shrapnel
19:33Hitting you in the face
19:35Just a microplastic
19:36Dust cloud
19:37That you're just
19:38Breathing in
19:38You like see it
19:39Going in
19:41It's horrible for you
19:43She's not breathing it in
19:44Because they wear masks
19:46Right
19:46That's why they wear masks
19:48I didn't realize that
19:49I just figured out
19:50Recently that they wear
19:51Masks in nail salons
19:52Because it's like
19:53Toxic chemicals
19:55I don't know
19:56What I thought
19:56Was going on
19:57With the masks
19:58Before then
19:58Like
20:00I think my white brain
20:01Was just like
20:02Asian
20:04Like they love masks
20:06That's their heritage
20:07It's their culture
20:10You know
20:11She was a surgeon
20:12In the village
20:13She came from
20:14Before
20:17Before
20:17Before she was zip tied
20:18In a shipping container
20:19And landed on our shore
20:20So
20:20It reminds her of home
20:22It's sweet
20:25No
20:25It's toxic
20:27So
20:28I think I'm obsessed
20:29With this
20:30Because it's just
20:30Been brought to my attention
20:31That there are women
20:32Like in the states
20:33Being trafficked
20:34Because
20:34Every time you go
20:35Into a women's restroom
20:36In a public place
20:37There is a poster
20:39On the back of the stall
20:40Asking you
20:41If you're being trafficked
20:42We have these
20:42Right ladies
20:43Do you know
20:43What I'm talking about
20:44Yes
20:45They're in every world language
20:47I always look for English
20:49And it just
20:49Is very small
20:50At the bottom
20:51And it says
20:51You wish
20:52But
20:54It's
20:54It's not
20:55Really for us
20:56But
20:57Men don't have
20:58These posters
20:59In their stalls
20:59That's what I've learned
21:00I guess you guys
21:01Have posters
21:01That are like
21:02Hey
21:02Need a slave
21:03Text traffic
21:04To 6969
21:08Is that what you have
21:11No
21:12No
21:12You have signs
21:13For more pressing issues
21:14In your bathrooms
21:15Like washing your hands
21:16You know
21:17As soon as we
21:18As soon as we beat that
21:19We'll get to the slaves
21:23It's just
21:24But being
21:25Being like
21:27Trafficked
21:27Is a real fear
21:28For young girls now
21:29I have a lot of
21:31Gen Z friends
21:31Who are like
21:32I'm scared to go out alone
21:33Like what if I get trafficked
21:34And I'm like
21:34Wow
21:35That was not a fear
21:36For me in my 20s
21:37I'm 41
21:38And
21:38When I was in my 20s
21:39We just feared like
21:41Good old fashioned rape
21:42You know
21:42Like we didn't
21:44I didn't think
21:45It would be a career
21:46You know
21:46I didn't think
21:48I just thought
21:49It was a temp position
21:50In that
21:51Parking garage
21:51I didn't think
21:52It would
21:53Last forever
21:56But they're really scared
21:57It's rubbed off on me
21:58Sometimes when I'm with them
21:59I'm like
21:59Yeah I'm scared
22:00We're gonna get trafficked
22:01And they're like
22:01You're fine
22:02Like
22:03You've aged out
22:04Of
22:05Getting trafficked
22:08You just try to do your part
22:10You know
22:10Do your best
22:11There's so many things in the world
22:12That need your attention
22:13But do what you can
22:14I'm vegan
22:15So I know I'm better than you
22:17And um
22:19Thank you
22:19Thank you so much
22:20I became vegan
22:22Like 10 years ago
22:23Because I saw factory farm footage
22:24And I was just so disturbed
22:26By what I saw
22:27That I just couldn't eat animals
22:28After that
22:29And it doesn't work for everything
22:31Because I'm now trying to take a break
22:32From porn
22:33Because it's gotten too dark
22:35I mean the porn I watch
22:36Looks like factory farm footage
22:38And so
22:39It's weird that I can't stop watching it
22:41It's
22:42Why is it that when I see it happen to animals
22:44I cry
22:45But when I see it happen to women
22:46I come harder than I ever have in my life
22:48I can't
22:51These are not cage-free whores
22:53They're literally caged sometimes
22:55It's
22:56I watch a lot of porn
22:58I mean
22:58I probably watch as much as the average
23:0041 year old plumber
23:02I think that's probably
23:06But that's what happens with porn
23:08It's a drug
23:08You get to sensitize
23:10To the thing you're watching
23:11And you need something weirder
23:12Something just crazier
23:13To get you off
23:14You know
23:15Because it'll start off sweet
23:16Like I'm like
23:16Oh girl on girl
23:17And then it's like
23:19Oh you know what
23:20This isn't really hitting
23:20Like
23:21Maybe I need like
23:22A stepmom stuck in a dryer
23:23You know
23:24Like
23:26That's my new thing
23:27That's good
23:27That's where it'll stop
23:28That's all I need
23:32And then after a while
23:33That's fucking nothing
23:34You're just like
23:34Nothing
23:34I need something else
23:36And then it ends up
23:37You need to watch
23:38Like a MILF
23:38Getting fisted
23:39In a Target bathroom
23:40On like a koala changing table
23:44That's where I'm at
23:47You know the koala changing table
23:48Men have those
23:49In their bathrooms
23:50Right
23:50Because
23:51You need them
23:52In case a MILF
23:53Needs to get fisted
23:54Is that what
23:54That's what they're for
23:55In a men's room
23:56Right
23:58That's where I'm at
23:58I like fisting porn now
24:00I just
24:00I can't believe it either
24:02It's disgusting
24:03I never thought
24:04I'd be here
24:04I remember the first time
24:06Fisting was even suggested
24:07To me by porn
24:08Because porn will like
24:09Monitor your habits
24:10And they're like
24:11Hey you know
24:12Based on all the gangbangs
24:13You've been watching
24:16We don't have any more
24:18So maybe
24:19A fisting compilation
24:23I was like
24:24What the fuck
24:25I was offended
24:25I was like
24:26Get this off my screen
24:27Gross
24:27And they were like
24:29We'll see you in a month
24:29And they were right
24:32I love it
24:33I'm in my fisting era
24:34I love it
24:36Because I like seeing women
24:38Doing feats of athleticism
24:39That are just out of this world
24:41And fisting is insane
24:42To have a whole man's
24:44Fist and arm
24:45Go in your pussy
24:46That's incredible
24:48I'm like blown away
24:50At these women
24:51Because it seems impossible
24:52That's what I like about it
24:53It seems impossible
24:54But you know it's not
24:55A baby's head is supposed
24:56To come out of there
24:57So it can fit
24:58But like how?
25:00It's kind of like
25:01You know what it's like?
25:02It's like when you try
25:03To put a sleeping bag
25:04Back into the bag it came in
25:05Like that's
25:06Where you're like
25:07We know it was there once
25:08It has to go
25:09But how?
25:11That's what I like
25:13I love it
25:16And I love
25:17I love the dynamic
25:18Between the fister
25:19And the fisty
25:20Like I like
25:21I like when the guy
25:22Is like kind of
25:23Gruff and mean
25:24He's like
25:24Take it you fucking whore
25:26Like I like when he's like
25:26Mean
25:28There's something about that
25:29I want that guy
25:30To be so mean
25:31But he like
25:32Believes in her
25:33Like I love that
25:34It's sweet
25:37I love that like
25:38Russian gymnastics
25:39Coach energy
25:40You know like
25:41You can do it Carrie
25:42And like
25:44I like that
25:47And then the best part is
25:49When he does get it in
25:50And then
25:50He gets it in
25:51And then he goes
25:52Good girl
25:53And that's like
25:54Oh
25:56Yahtzee
25:56Like that
25:58Close the laptop
25:59I'm good to go
26:00Like good girl
26:01Every girl loves it
26:03Every girl is horny
26:04To be told
26:05Good girl
26:05And it's
26:06I rarely generalize
26:08But I have yet to meet
26:09A woman or a gay man
26:10Bottom
26:11Who doesn't love
26:12To be called
26:14Good girl
26:15We all love it
26:16Please say it
26:17I'm telling you
26:18We all like it
26:19And I know
26:20There are men
26:20That are scared
26:21To say it
26:22Because you're like
26:23It sounds like
26:23I'm her dad
26:24But it's like
26:25Exactly
26:26Okay
26:27Just do it
26:28Be my dad
26:29You know
26:32It is it
26:34We want to be good girls
26:35And it frees us
26:37Of the shame
26:37That sex brings upon us
26:38You know
26:39We live in a really
26:40Puritanical Christian society
26:42And we absorb all the shame
26:43Of like
26:44Oh if I enjoy sex
26:45If I like cumming
26:46There's something wrong with me
26:48I'm a bad girl
26:48And I might not get into heaven
26:50Jesus might be mad
26:51Because I'm a whore
26:52Right
26:54We kind of feel sad about it
26:56But not if a guy says
26:57Good girl
26:58After you do something whoreish
27:00It frees you of it
27:01Because after he says
27:02Good girl
27:03You're like
27:03I'm not a whore
27:04I'm just an A student
27:05You know
27:06That was just the assignment
27:09You're like
27:09I could roll up
27:10On the pearly gates
27:11With a pearly face
27:12And be like
27:12Listen
27:13I didn't want this
27:14You think I like this
27:15You think I like this
27:17No
27:17I was heeding the man
27:19Jebediah anointed me
27:20With his seed
27:21I had nothing to do with this
27:23He did it in a cross
27:24You've heard of Ash Wednesday
27:26Well he told me
27:26It was splooge Tuesday
27:28Is that not a thing
27:30Have I been tricked
27:32Okay
27:32Which way is hell
27:33Okay
27:38Come on the face
27:39Is kind of crazy
27:39I mean
27:40Let's talk about it
27:41For a second
27:42I've
27:43I've done it like
27:43A handful of times
27:44This week
27:45But it's not
27:46It's not an everyday thing
27:48I think it's a nice thing
27:49To offer a guy
27:51That you really love
27:51I'm talking about
27:52Like your husband
27:53Someone you really love
27:54He's seen it girls
27:55He's jerked off to women
27:56Getting cum on their face
27:57And I know
27:58It was before he met you
27:59Tonight to come to the show
28:01But it's
28:02It's in his past
28:04He's seen it
28:05But he wouldn't dream
28:06Of asking you
28:07To come on your face
28:08You know
28:08You have to ask
28:09You have to be like
28:10Come on my face
28:11And I'll be like
28:11What?
28:12Matthew?
28:13Templeton Green?
28:14Come on my face
28:16You gotta get mommy about it
28:17They like that too
28:20And this is something
28:21He's only seen on a screen
28:22So when he gets to do it
28:24He's gonna be like
28:24The movie's real
28:27Whoa
28:28Like the wonder
28:30It's like he's going to
28:31Universal Studios
28:32For the first time
28:33It's like
28:34Whoa
28:38You can give a make-a-wish
28:39To a middle-aged man
28:40How cool is that?
28:47But you
28:48But you
28:48You have to ask
28:49Because he's not gonna ask
28:50He wants it
28:52But your sweet husband
28:53He's not gonna ask
28:54He's not gonna be like
28:54I'm gonna come on
28:55I'm gonna finish
28:56Like that's
28:58You didn't marry
28:58A Persian club promoter
29:00Like you're not
29:02Your husband isn't Dean Cain
29:04So he's not gonna ask
29:07Your sweet husband
29:08Who has to ask
29:08Your permission
29:09To eat a second cupcake
29:10Isn't gonna be like
29:11Part your bangs Bridget
29:13Like
29:14No
29:15He's a nice guy
29:16You gotta ask
29:20Ladies
29:21Can you imagine in bed
29:22If your husband asked you
29:23If you wanted something
29:24That you would have always wanted
29:25But like were too afraid to ask
29:27It would be like the same thing
29:28As if your husband was like
29:29Hey
29:29Tonight
29:30Do you want me to
29:31Go downstairs
29:32And do the dishes
29:34While this black guy
29:34Comes in to fuck you
29:35You'd be like
29:40The movies are real
29:47Same thing
29:50And listen
29:51I know
29:52Come in the face
29:52Is a little degrading
29:53But it's a gift
29:54You can give
29:55That's free
29:55All it costs
29:56Is a little dignity
29:57And it's like
29:58Who cares
29:59It's kind of fun
30:01It looks like
30:01You just won
30:01A Nickelodeon
30:02Kids choice award
30:03That's like
30:05He got slimed
30:06Who cares
30:09It's fun
30:11Just don't get it in your eye
30:12That's the only thing
30:13That I would recommend
30:15Don't get it in your eye
30:16I got it in my eye one time
30:17I didn't mean to
30:18But he did
30:19And so
30:21It got in my eye
30:23And I wasn't worried
30:24At first
30:25Because I was like
30:26You know
30:26It's not going to be
30:26Soothing by any means
30:28But I thought
30:28Oh it'll sting
30:29Like shampoo
30:30Or something
30:30But it stung
30:32Like sriracha
30:33Like I don't know
30:34Like I don't know
30:35What the Scoville rating
30:36On semen is
30:38But we gotta get this stuff
30:39On Hot Ones
30:40I mean
30:40It was
30:42Acidic
30:42It was searing
30:44My eye hole
30:45I was screaming
30:46I was like
30:46Like it felt like
30:48An acid attack
30:49I was like
30:49Am I a woman in Sudan
30:50With an opinion
30:51Like what the fuck
30:53I promise I won't drive
30:55I was like
30:57Writhing
30:57In agony
31:00I'm like
31:01Does it burn
31:02Coming out
31:03Is that
31:04Is that why you guys
31:05Sound like that
31:05When you're like
31:07Like is it
31:08Is it searing your dick hole
31:10What's happening
31:11Because
31:12That honestly would make sense
31:13Why you look
31:14And sound like that
31:18It was horrible
31:19I was freaking out
31:21I um
31:22And I knew
31:22It was infecting
31:23Like I felt
31:23An eye infection
31:24Come on
31:25I've had a lot
31:26Of eye infections
31:26I've had pink eye
31:28A lot
31:28Because I love
31:29Ski ball
31:29And so I was like
31:30I know what this is
31:32I gotta get the drops
31:34You know
31:35Because I had to be
31:35On TV the next day
31:37And I was like
31:37I can't do the view
31:38With cum in my eye
31:40Who am I
31:41Joy Behar
31:42You know
31:44So I had to go
31:45To urgent care
31:45And I drive over there
31:47And I'm like
31:48So nervous
31:49To tell the doctor
31:50Like what happened
31:51But I gotta tell him
31:52The truth
31:52So I'm trying to
31:53Dress it up
31:54In like doctor talk
31:55And so
31:55I'm like
31:56Um
31:57So
31:58During coitus
31:59My
32:02Paramore
32:02Um
32:04Accidentally
32:05Ejaculated
32:05Seminal fluid
32:07Into my ocular
32:08Cum hole
32:09I mean
32:10My eye
32:11I could have said eye
32:15He didn't care
32:16Doctors don't care
32:17They've heard it all
32:17He was immediately
32:18Like just jotting down
32:19My prescription
32:20And he diagnosed me
32:21As a good girl
32:22And I was like
32:22What?
32:24What'd you say?
32:26Really?
32:34I was like
32:35You can get the other eye
32:36If you want
32:36I got the drops
32:37We might as well
32:38I can treat it
32:44Oh guys
32:45I'm 41
32:46I don't have kids
32:50Yeah
32:51I'm 41
32:52No kids
32:53I don't want kids
32:54Being a mom
32:56I look at it
32:57I'm like
32:57Oh
32:58That is so much work
32:59And that's why
33:00I would be a dad
33:02Like tonight
33:07Be a dad
33:10Absolutely be a dad
33:13First of all
33:14If you're a dad
33:14And let's say
33:15You don't like it
33:16You can leave
33:17Like you can just be like
33:19This isn't for me
33:20I'm not ready
33:21And you can split
33:23We don't love it
33:24You know
33:25But it's precedented
33:26It's not insane
33:27You know
33:28The deadbeat dad
33:29That's
33:30That's an American archetype
33:31You know the deadbeat dad
33:32I think it's the Florida State Bird
33:35I think he's getting it changed
33:36Has it happened yet?
33:40Moms can't leave
33:41You know
33:42It's a full time job
33:43To be a mom
33:44And to be a dad
33:45It's like a
33:46Paid internship
33:47At your uncle's company
33:48I mean it's just
33:51It's not
33:51It's not nothing
33:52To be a dad
33:53But it's close
33:54I mean it's so close
33:55To nothing
33:57It is
33:58I'm not mad about it
34:00I'm just jealous
34:00I just want to be a dad
34:02Because if you do stick around
34:04And you're a good dad
34:05We like lose our minds
34:06At anything you do
34:07Because the bar is so low
34:08You get so much credit
34:11There's like a whole
34:12TikTok subgenre
34:13Of dads
34:14Doing their daughter's hair
34:15For the first time
34:16Because their wife is
34:17Hanging herself in the basement
34:18Or something
34:18You know like it's
34:21She finally found a way out
34:22But
34:25We love these videos
34:27Right
34:27Of dads
34:28Like just being like
34:29I don't know what I'm doing
34:29And he's like
34:30Using a vacuum cleaner
34:31To suck up her ponytail
34:32And like a bread tie
34:34To tie it off
34:35He's like
34:35Putting a chip clip on top
34:37Like is this good
34:38We're like
34:39No it looks like shit
34:40But we love it
34:40We're like
34:41It's so funny
34:42Like like like like
34:43Share share share
34:44It has millions of views
34:45It goes viral
34:46The guys on
34:47Good Morning America
34:48The next Monday
34:49To talk about it
34:51They're like
34:52Today on our show
34:53We're dedicating
34:54Our Mother's Day episode
34:55To a different kind of mom
34:57A dad
35:00What?
35:02Oh we love it
35:04And he's being interviewed
35:04And they're like
35:05John now tell us
35:06What compelled you
35:07To do the bare minimum
35:08Like walk us through
35:09What was going through
35:11Your head
35:11When you decided to
35:12Spend time with your
35:14Girl child
35:15That's crazy
35:18We can't believe it
35:19Can you imagine
35:20If someone sent you
35:21A tiktok of a mom
35:22Doing her daughter's hair
35:24You'd be like
35:24What the fuck is this
35:25Why am I watching this
35:28You'd be like
35:28Is there gonna be
35:29Like a home invasion
35:30Or something
35:30Like where's the payoff
35:31What's
35:32Oh does the ceiling fan
35:33Fall off
35:34And chop off
35:34Both their heads
35:35Cause
35:37What's the point
35:38No we don't
35:39We don't care
35:40Moms could be doing
35:41Their daughter's hair
35:41Perfectly
35:42And we would still
35:43Scrutinize
35:44The comments would be awful
35:45They'd be like
35:46You're pulling too hard
35:47She's a girl
35:48Not a horse
35:50I hope your uterus
35:52Falls out
35:52Why haven't you
35:53Said anything
35:54About Palestine
35:57We need to know
35:58Where you stand
36:00Jesus Christ
36:03It's too hard
36:04It's too stressful
36:05To be a mom
36:06I'm too stressed
36:07To be an aunt
36:08I really am
36:10I was staying
36:11With my sister
36:12Not too long ago
36:13At her house
36:14And at one point
36:15I was like
36:15I'm gonna go
36:16Take a shower
36:16And my nephew
36:17Comes running in the room
36:18And he's like
36:19I'm gonna take a shower
36:19With you
36:20I'm gonna take a shower
36:20With you
36:21He's 18
36:22I was like
36:22What is going on
36:24With his voice
36:24Why is no one
36:25Talking about this
36:26He's frozen in time
36:27What's happening
36:30No
36:31He was four
36:31And um
36:34And it was cute
36:34You know
36:35He wanted to hang out
36:35With me in the shower
36:36But I guess
36:37It's not weird
36:37My sister was like
36:38Oh it's fine
36:38We do it
36:39He goes in with us
36:40You can go in
36:40And I was like
36:41I don't think
36:42That's a good idea
36:43I just don't
36:45I don't think
36:45You should do that
36:46And she was like
36:47It's fine
36:47And I go
36:48Well maybe if you
36:48Like come in
36:49And watch us
36:50I think that's
36:50Maybe better
36:53She was like
36:53Why
36:54And I'm like
36:54Cause what if
36:55I molest him
36:56I mean
36:56I just feel like
36:59Do you know
37:00I won't
37:00You know
37:03She was like
37:03I thought I did
37:04And I'm like
37:05Good
37:05You don't know
37:06You don't know
37:08She doesn't
37:10But she asked
37:11She was like
37:11Would you
37:12And I was like
37:12No
37:12What the fuck
37:13Ew
37:14I would never
37:16But that's what I'd say
37:17If I was gonna
37:18You know
37:18Like I'd lie
37:19Pedophiles lie
37:21They're not undercover cops
37:23They don't gotta tell you
37:23What they're about
37:24You know
37:26You can't trust anyone
37:28I mean
37:29And I know I'm an aunt
37:30But aunts are just
37:31Female uncles dude
37:32Like come on
37:33Open your eyes
37:35And I know that I won't
37:36If I think about it
37:37It's like
37:37But like
37:38What if it's something
37:39You don't know
37:39That you are
37:40Until you get in there
37:41And then you're like
37:41Oh this is my thing
37:43You know
37:44Like what if it opens up
37:45A part of my brain
37:46That's dormant
37:48No one chooses
37:49To be a pedophile
37:50It just lands there
37:51I can't
37:52You don't
37:53Don't mess with that
37:54You know
37:56People think this is crazy
37:57But I'm like
37:57How many times in my life
37:59Have I looked at something
38:00And been like
38:00That is disgusting
38:01I would never do that
38:02And now I'm like
38:03Pickleball's kind of fun actually
38:04So like I
38:07I don't trust my brain
38:11Just don't get like
38:12Male babysitters
38:13I can't even understand
38:14Why people get male babysitters
38:15It's
38:16If you got one tonight
38:17I'm sure it's fine
38:18But like
38:19What are you doing?
38:22Oh boy
38:23You're playing with fire
38:24I'm just saying
38:27I'm sure you got a good one
38:28And I'm sure you have cameras
38:30And if you don't
38:30He does
38:31But what I'm saying is
38:34Don't
38:35I'm not saying
38:36All male babysitters
38:37Are pedophiles
38:37That's not what I'm saying
38:38I'm just saying
38:39If I was a pedophile
38:40I know what line of work
38:41I would look into
38:42I mean they
38:42Follow their dreams
38:44You know
38:44It's the easiest way in too
38:46They don't have to join
38:47The catholic priesthood
38:48And larp their way
38:49Through that bullshit
38:51That's an in
38:52But it's a lot of work
38:53You know
38:54They don't have to
38:55Befriend a billionaire
38:56With an island
38:57And like
38:58You don't have to
38:58Sit next to Bill Gates
38:59On a private plane
39:00You don't have to
39:01Help Stephen Hawking
39:02Up a ramp
39:03I mean that's like
39:03A lot of stuff
39:05To get to what you want
39:08But a male babysitter
39:09You just gotta be like
39:09I'm free Thursday
39:11It's like
39:11Your TSA pre-check
39:13You're right in
39:15So don't get him
39:16And uh
39:17And if you did get one tonight
39:18These are just jokes
39:19You don't need to
39:20Leave the show early
39:21To relieve him
39:21Your toddler already did
39:23But that's the worst
39:24Listen
39:25I know
39:27It's the worst joke
39:28I've ever told
39:28It's the worst thing
39:29I've ever thought
39:30You think I want to
39:32Think that?
39:34What the fuck?
39:39But
39:41Back to Arlo
39:42Wanting to take a shower
39:43With me
39:43It's
39:45I think I just
39:45Didn't want him
39:46To see my vagina
39:47Because I remember
39:47When he asked
39:48My first thought
39:49Was like
39:49What does my vagina
39:50Look like?
39:50Like that's
39:52And that's a weird thought
39:53Because that means
39:54Like
39:54I'm not trying to say
39:55There's an ideal version
39:56Of it for him
39:57Like Arlo
39:58Check it out
39:59Like
39:59I shaved Paw Patrol
40:01Into it
40:01Like that's
40:03It's not like
40:04It's ever good enough
40:05For him to see
40:06But this day
40:08I thought it would just
40:09Be too jarring for him
40:10I had grown out
40:11All the hair
40:11He would have seen it
40:13And thought it was
40:13Shell Silverstein
40:14On the back of the
40:14Giving tree
40:15You know
40:15It would just
40:17And believe me
40:18It was giving tree top
40:19And so it was like
40:21I just didn't want
40:22To ambush him
40:23With my ant bush
40:24I mean it's like
40:27Because he's four
40:28Right
40:28And four is the age
40:29Where you have
40:30Your first memory
40:31And I feel like
40:32He would have
40:32Looked at my
40:33Giant bush
40:34And then his
40:35Consciousness
40:36Would have been like
40:36And we're live
40:38Start recording
40:39It's just like
40:41I can't do that to him
40:42Because that happened to me
40:44It did
40:44I saw my aunt's vagina
40:46At a really young age
40:47Before I was ready
40:48Not that I'd ever be ready
40:50But
40:52And I remember it so well
40:54It's one of my most
40:55Vivid memories
40:55We were on a speedboat
40:57In Lake Michigan
40:58My aunt was driving
40:59Okay
41:00One hand on the wheel
41:01Cigarette in mouth
41:02And she used her free hand
41:04To right in front of my face
41:05Put a tampon in
41:07Just slipped it to the side
41:08Loaded a tampon
41:09And it happened so fast
41:11She was like John Wick
41:13It was like
41:13Like loading a gun
41:17It was like John Wick
41:18But with more blood
41:19I mean I was like
41:20What am I seeing
41:23I had no clue
41:24What I was watching
41:25I mean she was putting
41:26This big cardboard thing
41:28You know one of those
41:28Old tampax 80s ones
41:30Looked like a
41:31Paper towel roll
41:32You know
41:33Like it was
41:33It squeaked when it went in
41:35She took the remnants
41:37Threw them behind her
41:38They hit my cousin
41:39In the head
41:39As he's tubing
41:42He got tubed
41:43While tubing
41:47I learned so much
41:48I didn't even know
41:49What I learned
41:50I just learned
41:50There's storage up there
41:52And I was like
41:52Ah
41:54A place for my Pogs
41:56Fuck yeah
41:56Okay
41:59But it's really the only thing
42:01I remember from that trip
42:02And my cousin drowned that day
42:04So it's
42:06Don't remember how
42:07I'm going to take off my jacket
42:11Because um
42:12Thank you
42:18Yeah
42:19This is the part of the show
42:21Where I get into horrifying detail
42:22About the state of my vagina
42:24And so just because I'm giving you graphic imagery
42:28About what's going on down there
42:29I just want to remind you
42:30That I have amazing tits
42:31So that's why
42:32This is off
42:33Focus on these
42:34For what you're about to hear
42:36Here dad
42:36Take this
42:38That's my dad
42:41He's shrouding himself in it
42:43Good boy
42:50So let's talk about it
42:51So my pussy is now 41 inches long
42:55And it's starting to fall down the sides
42:59Each outer lip is like getting a little Salvador Dali-esque
43:03Like the melting clocks
43:05It's not good
43:06And I want you to know
43:08It's going to happen to all of you young ladies
43:10I know you don't think this
43:11I remember being you
43:12Of like not me
43:13Because maybe you're one of these girls
43:14That just has like two lips
43:16And a line
43:16A little Dua Lipa
43:17Mmm
43:23Fuck you
43:24Fuck you
43:25If you have two lips and a line
43:27Oh
43:27I've always wanted two lips and a line
43:30I've never been able to get it
43:31I have to like stuff everything in
43:33Like I can get it
43:34But I stuff it all in
43:36And then I have to put some lash glue
43:37On the sides
43:38And then I have to squeeze it together
43:40I sing happy birthday
43:42And then I can let it go
43:44And it's like
43:44It doesn't look the same as yours
43:47It looks like Louis Armstrong playing the trumpet
43:49You know it's like
43:54It's just drooping
43:55It's like falling down
43:56I'm starting to grow out my bush
43:57Just to give it like a chiseled jawline
44:00You know like fat men do with beards
44:02Just cover it up
44:04Because it falls
44:05No one ever told me it would fall
44:06Does it fall off eventually?
44:09Do I shed it like an exoskeleton?
44:11I don't need it anymore
44:13I just
44:14It's changed for me
44:15I used to worry about camel toe
44:16Now I'm worried about basset hound head
44:18So it's like
44:23Have you ever just looked at your aging genitals
44:25After not seeing them for a while
44:26And just thought to yourself
44:27Oh I guess I can't leave my husband
44:29You know I can't take this out on the marketplace
44:34I'll stay with him
44:35He doesn't care
44:35He's grandfathered in
44:36You know
44:39There comes a point in your life
44:40Where your pussy looks so bedraggled
44:42That you're like
44:43Like I can't go through
44:44Another vaginal reveal with someone
44:46You know
44:47You know what I mean
44:48That tense moment
44:49Where a guy touches your pussy
44:50For the first time
44:51And you like hold your breath
44:53Like
44:53Like you're about to hear
44:54The winner of American Idol
44:56Like you're just like
44:56What's the verdict
44:58And then he has to like
44:59Sort through your labia
45:01That you've kind of like
45:02Crammed into the middle
45:05It's like clumped together
45:06Like day old Thai food
45:08You know
45:10It's just like
45:10Congealed pads
45:12See ew
45:14Yeah
45:15Pad see ew
45:15He pads it
45:17He sees it
45:17He's like
45:18Ew
45:18You know
45:19It's
45:22My whole life
45:23Has been insecurities
45:24About my vagina
45:24They change all the time
45:26You know
45:26I think when you first start out
45:27As a young woman
45:28You're hooking up with guys
45:29You're so scared
45:30That they're gonna make fun
45:30Of your pussy
45:31Cause you hear
45:32Oh smell is a bad thing
45:34So you worry
45:35But you don't really know
45:36What it's supposed to smell like
45:37I still do the smell test
45:39Before I hook up
45:40I'll just like
45:41I'm like
45:42Oh
45:44Perfect
45:44Okay
45:47Cause
45:49It should smell bad
45:51It's a wet pocket
45:53Three inches from my asshole
45:54Like it's
45:55It shouldn't smell good
45:59Wet pocket
46:06So you worry about smell
46:08You worry about tightness
46:09Cause you hear jokes
46:11That guys make
46:11Funny jokes
46:12They're like
46:13Oh this girl was so loose
46:14It was like
46:14Throwing a hot dog
46:15Down a hallway
46:17You've heard that right
46:19When I heard that
46:20I'm like
46:20That sounds quite fun
46:22Actually
46:22Just like
46:23Toss a hot dog
46:24Down a hallway
46:25And watch it like
46:25Flap around
46:26Like
46:26That's fun
46:29And also
46:30That kind of sounds like
46:31A hot dog problem
46:32To me
46:33Like that's
46:34Is that all else
46:39Yeah
46:41I don't think
46:42You can throw a redwood tree
46:43Down a hallway
46:44That's all I'm saying
46:44That's all I'm saying
46:47Not that I'm good
46:52But it's funny
46:53Cause whenever you complain
46:54About these like
46:55Vaginal insecurities
46:56There's like
46:56Always an older woman
46:57That overhears you
46:58And she's always like
46:59Ah
47:00They don't care
47:02As long as it's warm
47:04And wet
47:05And you're like
47:06Thanks Obi-Wan Kenobi
47:09I didn't ask
47:12I don't even have wet anymore
47:14I can't be like
47:14Well at least it's wet
47:15I'm 41
47:16I don't get wet
47:17The best I get is
47:18Tacky
47:19Like it's like
47:23Like an old man's mouth
47:24It like
47:27It smacks
47:28I literally hear it smack
47:30When I open my legs sometimes
47:34It's humiliating
47:37Never wet
47:38Ever
47:40Not never
47:40I get like
47:41Little spurts of it
47:42Probably like
47:43Two a month
47:44I get a little
47:46Just out of nowhere
47:47Just
47:48It's not connected
47:49To me being turned on
47:50I don't think
47:51Cause
47:51The last time it happened
47:52I was at Starbucks
47:53And they were like
47:54We're out of oat milk
47:55And I'm like
47:55Like right
47:56Right on it
47:57I was like
47:59Why that?
48:02He wasn't even mean about it
48:04Like why am I horny?
48:08He's like
48:09We have coconut milk
48:10I'm like
48:10I do too actually
48:11I just
48:12Brewed my own
48:16I think my biggest insecurity
48:18About my vagina
48:19My whole life
48:19Has been
48:20The inner lips
48:21The labia
48:22Minora
48:24My menorah
48:24Are majorah
48:25You know like
48:26They're
48:27Hanging out
48:28And I really didn't know
48:29This was a thing
48:30I was 19
48:30When I figured out
48:31That this might be a problem
48:32I was a virgin
48:33No one had ever seen my vagina
48:34I figured
48:35Oh I have the same vagina
48:36As everyone else
48:37And then one night
48:37I was listening to
48:38A Dane Cook album
48:39One of my favorite comedians
48:41And he had a great joke
48:42About going down on a girl
48:44With too many lips
48:44Oh too many lips
48:46And I was like
48:46What's this?
48:47And he described it
48:48Like he said
48:49At one point
48:49It was like
48:50Getting lost in the stage curtains
48:51Of his high school
48:52He was like
48:52Rolling around in them
48:54It was hilarious
48:56But I was like
48:56What's he talking about?
48:57And I looked down at mine
48:58And there was a production
48:59Of Brigadoon
49:00Going on down there
49:01I'm like
49:02Dane Cook wouldn't fuck me
49:07And I was like
49:07Oh my god
49:08I cannot have this kind of vagina
49:09I was like
49:10I have to do something about it
49:11So I was like
49:12Researching into
49:14Labioplasty
49:15I was broke
49:16But I was saving up money
49:17For the surgery
49:17Where they take off
49:19Your labia
49:19And they donate it
49:20To lobes of love
49:22For kids who have
49:23Been afflicted with
49:24Childhood earlobe cancer
49:25It's a beautiful organization
49:27But
49:29But it was a race against time
49:30Right?
49:30So I'm 19
49:32And I desperately
49:33Want to hook up
49:34But I can't
49:35Because I just imagine
49:36That if any guy
49:36Even fingers me
49:37He'd be like
49:38What is this?
49:39And he'd be like
49:41And like puke on me
49:42And leave me in the woods
49:43And he wouldn't be able
49:45To untangle his hand
49:46And he'd have to
49:46127 hours himself out
49:48And
49:50I just had this whole story
49:51So I was like
49:52I have to fix it
49:53And then
49:54I went to this party
49:55In college
49:55With a bunch of my friends
49:56And it was crazy
49:57Because this guy
49:58I had liked
49:58All of college
49:59He finally broke up
50:00With his girlfriend
50:01And my friends
50:02Are like
50:02He wants to be with you
50:03And you're gonna
50:04Hook up finally
50:04But I
50:05I didn't want to tell them
50:06Because I didn't tell anyone
50:07Like it's ironic
50:08I'm talking about it
50:09Into a microphone now
50:10Because at the time
50:11This pussy stuff
50:12Like I kept it inside
50:14Not it
50:14But like
50:15Like the idea of it
50:17Was in my heart
50:18I hadn't told anyone
50:18But then my friends
50:19Were like
50:20You're gonna hook up
50:21With him
50:21And I was like
50:21I can't
50:22And they were like
50:22What do you mean
50:23And I was like
50:25My pussy is
50:26My pussy is whack
50:27And I said whack
50:29And I said whack
50:29Because this was 2005
50:30And we said that then
50:31Okay
50:32I was like
50:33My pussy looks like
50:34It's saying
50:34What's that
50:35You know
50:36Like
50:36They got it
50:39This was 2005
50:40I'm wearing juicy sweatpants
50:42Not the brand
50:43They just were
50:44But
50:46But they were like
50:47What are you talking about
50:48Nikki
50:48We've never heard of this
50:50And I was like
50:50Well like
50:51You know how
50:51Most of the time
50:52It's just like
50:52Two lips and a line
50:53While like
50:54In that line
50:55There's like a
50:56It looks like
50:57There's like a baby octopus
50:58Coming out
50:59To like forage for food
51:00For the first time
51:01You know
51:01Like on a nature documentary
51:03Where it's like
51:04Coming out
51:05And they were like
51:06I think so
51:07And
51:08They go
51:08I think ours are like that
51:10And I was like
51:10What?
51:11Show me
51:11Show me now
51:14And they were like
51:15Okay
51:15Because they're good friends
51:16And so
51:17They were like
51:17Let's go in the bathroom
51:18Five of us went
51:20Into this bathroom
51:20At this party
51:21And everyone was like
51:22What are you guys doing?
51:23And we were like
51:23Coke
51:23And so we went in
51:26And pulled out our pussies
51:29It was so helpful to me
51:30This day changed my life
51:31Truly
51:31Because my first two friends
51:33That showed me their vaginas
51:34They looked exactly like mine
51:36And I was like
51:36Oh my god
51:37We are like three
51:38Steven Tyler singing
51:39Like just lips
51:40And scarves
51:43I was like
51:44Yes
51:45My lips
51:46Sisses
51:46I was so happy
51:49And then my friend
51:50Kirsten was next
51:51And she's the girl
51:52That like
51:52Is like perfect
51:53All the time
51:54But tries to fit in
51:55With your like
51:55Friends
51:56Who aren't
51:57You know
51:57You know this friend
51:58Like she pulled down
51:59Her underwear
51:59She was like
52:00Is this bad?
52:01And it was just
52:02The most perfect
52:03Little dime slot
52:04Pussy ever
52:07I was like
52:08You come in here
52:08With your little
52:09Uncrustable pussy
52:10You can't do that
52:12We're standing here
52:13With our lamb gyros
52:14That look like
52:15They fell on the sidewalk
52:16That's not okay
52:17Turn around
52:20So mad
52:23But then the next girl
52:24Took down her underwear
52:25And that was the best part
52:26Now this is my fifth friend
52:28This is the thing girls
52:29If you have any lip shame
52:30You need to do this
52:31You need to see normal vaginas
52:32So this is what you got to do
52:34You got to get five friends
52:35Five
52:36Is the key number
52:38You can do four
52:39You can do four
52:40But four is risky
52:41Because four
52:42You might be the dangler
52:44And you don't want to be the dangler
52:45You don't want to be the worst
52:47You just need one girl
52:49Who's worse than you
52:50And you are good to go
52:51And that was my friend Hala
52:53My friend Hala
52:56She pulled down her
52:57She didn't pull it down
52:58She just
52:58You know
52:59Pulled her underwear to the side
53:00And it fell out
53:01Like
53:02It was like she had a message
53:04For the king
53:04It like unfurled
53:05And we were like
53:06Whoa
53:08It was like
53:08We were like
53:10Did you hear a horn?
53:12We were like
53:12Do we salute
53:13Or like
53:14Buckingham's palace
53:15Or like
53:16I want to do
53:17The right protocol
53:18We were horrified
53:22We weren't even
53:23Good friends about it
53:23Like a good friend
53:24When you see something
53:25Horrifying with your friend
53:26You go
53:26Oh it's not that bad
53:27That's fine
53:27You know
53:28But we were like
53:29What the fuck?
53:32You don't deserve love
53:33Like
53:35She's like
53:35Is it bad?
53:36Is this bad?
53:40You're like
53:40Dude how do you ride a bike?
53:42Like it looks like
53:43You're making pasta
53:48She didn't care
53:49Oh my god
53:50She was instantly
53:50Like making jokes about it
53:51She was like
53:52Seriously guys
53:52It's so long
53:53It's crazy
53:54She was like
53:54If I stretch it out
53:55It can like
53:56Touch the ground
53:57We were like
53:58Should it?
53:59You're gonna get
53:59Athlete slave
54:00Like pick it up
54:03She was so cool about it
54:05She was like
54:05Guys
54:05I'm going back to the party
54:06And she was like
54:07Over her shoulder
54:08Continental soldier
54:09Like bye guys
54:10You're like
54:14Just pussies of the game
54:15Like
54:16How do you have that much confidence?
54:19Did your mom hug you?
54:21Did you go to Montessori?
54:23Why do you like yourself?
54:26But it was just this beautiful moment
54:28Where she had taken this pussy
54:30That looked like it had sat on a grenade
54:32And she
54:34She wore it like a vag of honor
54:36You know
54:36She
54:37She made it funny
54:39She was just like silly about it
54:42And it just
54:42It made me realize
54:44That I shouldn't care about this stuff either
54:45Like
54:45I always think about holos labia
54:48Whenever I'm feeling insecure
54:49Or I'm at a car wash
54:51And the wet flaps
54:52Are like hitting the windshield
54:53I'm like
54:55I shouldn't care either
54:57And things turned out great for her
54:59Really
54:59I mean
55:00We're still best friends
55:01Until she sees this on a special
55:03But she
55:05No
55:06She really
55:06She turned out great
55:07She married like the hottest guy
55:09From our high school
55:10He's blind and has no hands
55:12But
55:14She has a great life
55:15We all just reunited recently
55:17At Hala's wedding
55:18It was so fun
55:19I got to hold her labia
55:20In the ceremony
55:21It was so beautiful
55:22We stretched it out
55:24I missed the ceremony
55:25Because I was in the street
55:26But like
55:27We just wanted to get the full
55:29Breath of it
55:30You know
55:30It was beautiful
55:31That was a fun day
55:32I saw all those girls
55:34From that bathroom
55:34My friend Kirsten
55:35With the perfect pussy
55:36She was there
55:36But she just had a baby
55:38And it was like
55:39A honker
55:40I mean
55:40This was like a nine pounder
55:42So I was like
55:43Guess whose pussy is perfect now
55:46Yeah
55:47Still hers
55:48She had a c-section
55:48But
55:50What are you gonna do
55:51Guys
55:51You were a great crowd
55:53And I hope I was a good girl
55:55I love you
55:57Good night
56:00Be a good
56:02Good girl
56:04Good girl
56:04Be a lie
56:05And say please
56:07Be down on your knees
56:09Be a good
56:10Good girl
56:11Good girl
56:12Shut your mouth
56:14And wait
56:15So get in
56:16And wait
56:17She's got a girl
56:26They say it's sexy
56:29When a girl
56:31Can just speak her mind
56:34But when you let me
56:37The crowd goes soft
56:39She sounds like a guy
56:41They pull you close and whisper
56:43You can have it all dear
56:45You'll have the perfect life
56:49So many options
56:51Be a mom or baby
56:52Boss is wise
56:56Be a good
56:58Good
56:58Good girl
57:00You're a slut or a tease
57:03Now get down on your knees
57:05Be a good
57:06Good
57:07Good girl
57:08How the fuck can we resist
57:11They've redacted every list
57:13Good girl
57:17Good girl
57:20You're a slut
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