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Have I Got News For You - Season 4 Us - Episode 09: Ari Shapiro, Hari Kondabolu
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00:21Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:23I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:25In the news this week, despite leadership shakeup,
00:29Kennedy Center's still booking major acts.
00:39A quick look at Americans checking their 401ks.
00:47Don Jr.'s morning regimen revealed.
00:50Fentanyl, heroin, meth, and cocaine.
00:53On Emberstein Tonight, he's a comedian.
00:55He's been on Kimmel, NPR, and Comedy Central,
00:57and he's known for hilariously calling out racism
01:00wherever he sees it.
01:02Michael, maybe you should leave now.
01:04It's Harry Cundibolo.
01:09And joining team Michael, he's an award-winning journalist
01:13who has won three Edward R. Murrow Awards
01:16and hosted NPR's All Things Considered
01:18until last year when I assume he ran out of things to consider.
01:22It's Ari Shapiro.
01:26Now, for the biggest stories of the week.
01:29Amber, Ari, watch the clips.
01:32Tell me, what is the story?
01:34Okay, this is our best friend, and that is a map.
01:38Straight up her moves.
01:39The doors are closed.
01:40So I'm just gonna say this story is about
01:44how everyone hates us and they're right.
01:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:47I agree with that.
01:48Yes, the story is Donald Trump goes to war with the world
01:51and people abroad are not fans of it,
01:54but how's it going here at home?
01:56If you could say something to President Trump
01:57and he was gonna hear you right now,
01:59what would it be?
02:01You're a worthless pile of s***.
02:05And you voted for him how many times?
02:07Three times.
02:08That was my bad.
02:10Apparently, I'm an idiot.
02:12Wow.
02:15The most honest person in America.
02:17Three times.
02:19Now, as the war continues,
02:20President Trump seems perpetually surprised
02:22that Iran is actually fighting back during a war.
02:27So now Trump, a man who seems to burn bridges
02:30while he's only halfway across the bridge,
02:34has finally realized,
02:35oh, dear, I need help from other countries.
02:38How's that getting help from other countries going?
02:40Yeah, apparently when you do stuff without asking people,
02:42they don't want to help you afterwards.
02:44Here's Dan Abash with how some of our allies responded.
02:47Germany, this war has nothing to do with NATO.
02:49It's not NATO's war.
02:50UK, we will not be drawn into the wider war.
02:53Italy, Italy is not part of the conflict.
02:55Australia, we will not be sending a ship
02:57to the Strait of Hormuz.
02:58Japan, we are proceeding with consideration.
03:02We are considering his Japanese for fuck you.
03:06When Trump met with the Japanese prime minister,
03:09Sanai Takeshi, what happened in the meeting?
03:12He thought it would be a great idea
03:13to make a joke about bombing Pearl Harbor.
03:17Why didn't you tell U.S. allies
03:20in Europe and Asia, like Japan,
03:23about the war before attacking Iran?
03:25We didn't tell anybody about it
03:26because we wanted surprise.
03:29Who knows better about surprise than Japan?
03:32Okay, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
03:35Okay, right?
03:38To be fair, he got some laughs in the room.
03:40He got like two groans.
03:42I'll take it.
03:44Also love, he did the joke, it bombed,
03:47and then he goes, right?
03:50The ladies know what I'm talking about, right?
03:52He made the attack without telling the other countries
03:55because normally in war you go,
03:56hey, I'm gonna go over there and punch him in the face,
03:58make sure you got my back.
03:59But Trump, instead, punched people in the face
04:02and then came back and go,
04:03hey, I just punched him in the face.
04:05Would you mind helping me fight?
04:08Here he is hedging his bets.
04:10We have the strongest military by far in the world.
04:12We don't need them, but it's interesting.
04:16I'm almost doing it in some cases,
04:17not because we need them,
04:18but because I want to find out how they react.
04:20Oh, he's going through the stages of grief.
04:22That's denied.
04:24According to Trump, it'll be, quote,
04:27very bad for the future of NATO
04:29if they don't help us.
04:31He's going to bomb NATO.
04:34He's going to bomb the hell out of NATO.
04:35Britain's former chief of the defense staff
04:37doesn't want NATO to get pulled into this war.
04:40NATO was created as a underlying four times
04:43defensive alliance.
04:44It was not an alliance that was designed
04:46for one of the allies to go on a war of choice
04:48and then oblige everybody else to follow.
04:51Is that red thing his heart rate?
04:55So now Trump's in a bit of a pickle.
04:57He started a war that no one wants to help in,
04:59and there's no clear way out of that war.
05:01But Trump is a scrappy guy
05:02who's always overcome adversity,
05:04and he's overcome adversity all by himself.
05:07He doesn't need people.
05:08Is Donald Trump a self-made man?
05:14The truth of the matter is that Donald Trump
05:15sees himself as self-made.
05:18In 2015, he was asked this question
05:21at an election town hall.
05:22With the exception of your family,
05:24have you ever been told no?
05:26It has not been easy for me.
05:27And, you know, I started off in Brooklyn.
05:29My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.
05:33The only thing he made himself was that color.
05:38That's great.
05:41From the very moment Donald Trump
05:43has started in business,
05:44there has always been somebody there
05:46to bail him out when he failed,
05:49and he has failed a lot.
05:51In fact, Wikipedia has a whole category
05:54called businesses of Donald Trump
05:57that went bankrupt.
05:58And it has 24 separate pages.
06:03Question to the panel.
06:04What is your favorite failed Donald Trump business?
06:08I like the Trump Taj Mahal going down.
06:10That was always a big one.
06:11The casino, the Atlantic City.
06:13Yeah, because on behalf of India, fuck you.
06:17Well, of all the failed Trump businesses,
06:19there was this one.
06:21The Sharper Image is one of my favorite stores
06:24with fantastic products of all kinds.
06:27That's why I'm thrilled they agree with me.
06:30Trump's stakes are the world's greatest stakes,
06:32and I mean that in every sense of the word.
06:35How many senses of the word are there?
06:39The bigger question is,
06:40why are you buying a stake at an electronic store?
06:44According to the former CEO of Sharper Image,
06:48quote,
06:48we literally sold almost no stakes.
06:52In every sense of the word.
06:55So the man who failed at casinos,
06:57failed at hotels,
06:58failed at stakes,
06:58has gotten us into a war
07:00that he promised he would never start,
07:02and now he's resorting to what he always does
07:04when things aren't going his way.
07:06He blames other people.
07:07Does anyone know which one of our allies
07:10Trump threw under the bus on Wednesday night?
07:13He posted this long truth social rant
07:15about Israel bombing an oil and gas field
07:19that was jointly owned by Qatar and Iran,
07:21and Qatar is a U.S. ally,
07:23and he said Israel will never do that again,
07:25and Qatar,
07:26we're not going to bomb any more oil and gas fields,
07:28and tsk, tsk,
07:30shame on you.
07:30That is correct.
07:31Points to you, Ari.
07:32It was Israel.
07:33Wednesday night on Truth Social,
07:35Trump posted, quote,
07:37Israel,
07:37out of anger for what has taken place
07:39in the Middle East,
07:40has violently lashed out
07:41at a major facility in Iran.
07:43The United States knew nothing
07:45about this particular attack.
07:48This particular...
07:49You know how bad it's got to be
07:50for Trump to distance himself from you?
07:52He's still kicking with Rudy Giuliani.
07:56So Trump is, uh, cornered,
07:58he's alienated his allies,
08:00angered his supporters,
08:01and even some of his own staff
08:03won't back him up.
08:03There's only one option.
08:05Here's the president on Wednesday.
08:06I wonder what would happen
08:08if we, quote,
08:09finished off what's left
08:10of the Iranian terror state
08:11and let the countries that use it,
08:13we don't,
08:14be responsible for the so-called straight.
08:16That would get some of our
08:17non-responsive allies in gear
08:19and fast,
08:19President DJT.
08:20He misspelled straight.
08:24Maybe it's like a Gulf of America
08:26type situation.
08:27Right, right, right.
08:28So from now on,
08:29that will be how it is spelled.
08:33Michael and Ari,
08:34watch the clip.
08:35Tell me,
08:35what is the story?
08:37Capitol Hill.
08:37Okay.
08:38Oh, that's that guy,
08:39Bruce Wayne.
08:40Mark Wayne Mullen.
08:40I'm gonna go with Bruce Wayne.
08:41And then Cruella de Vil.
08:43Yes, of course.
08:45Cash Patel.
08:46Yeah.
08:46Tulsi Gabbard,
08:47Cash Patel,
08:48went to the Capitol,
08:49and like all meetings
08:51with, uh,
08:52Trump officials
08:53talking to Congress people,
08:54it did not go well.
08:55The story is,
08:56while Trump's focus
08:57is on other countries,
08:59the Senate was focused
08:59on domestic matters
09:01this last week
09:02at the confirmation hearing
09:03for Trump's nominee
09:04to head up the Department
09:05of Homeland Security,
09:07Senator Mark Wayne Mullen.
09:09Looked like a business
09:10casual woodchuck
09:11right there.
09:13He says there's gonna be
09:14three more weeks of winter.
09:15Tell you what,
09:15there's gonna be three more weeks of winter.
09:17Confirmation hearing
09:18is to hold a prospective appointee's
09:20feet to the fire.
09:21And there's nobody better
09:22to do the scrutinizing
09:24than Iowa Senator Joni Ernst.
09:26I am going to say
09:27to the president,
09:28I am really upset
09:29that he has made your nomination.
09:32Why?
09:33Because I will be losing
09:35from the Senate
09:35one of the best friends
09:37that I have here.
09:39Truly.
09:40Truly.
09:43Siri, play End of the Road
09:45by Boyz II Men.
09:48One person really seemed
09:50to lead the charge
09:51against Senator Mullen
09:52in the hearing.
09:54Which Republican was it?
09:55Was it Rand Paul?
09:56The only senator
09:57who has his barber
09:58to make him look like
09:59the dude from The Bear.
10:00Look at that haircut.
10:01Senator Paul gave
10:02a hard no vote
10:04against Mullen,
10:05adding, quote,
10:06I think there are anger issues.
10:09You did many interviews
10:10in which you justified
10:11the violence
10:12as historically justified
10:13by precedents,
10:14such as caning
10:15and dueling.
10:16What I was simply
10:17pointing out
10:18is some of the rules
10:18that still apply
10:19to this body.
10:21For instance,
10:23dueling with two
10:24consenting adults
10:24is still there.
10:26I was pointing out
10:27what is still...
10:28for 170 years.
10:30There's no precedent
10:32for legal dueling.
10:34We should bring back dueling.
10:36But only between
10:37two consenting adults.
10:39Well, question,
10:40does anyone know
10:40where Rand and Mark
10:42Wayne's conflicts began?
10:44When Rand Paul's neighbor
10:47beat the shit out of him
10:49and Mark Wayne Mullen
10:50said to Rand Paul,
10:51you asshole,
10:52you probably deserved it.
10:53Point!
10:54Yeah!
10:55Rand Paul's people,
10:56Mark Wayne,
10:57goes all the way back
10:58to 2017
10:58after Rand was assaulted
11:00by his neighbor
11:01in a property line dispute.
11:03After that,
11:03Mark Wayne repeatedly
11:04told a group of voters
11:05that he understood
11:07completely why his neighbor
11:08might want to attack
11:10Senator Paul.
11:12I don't know
11:12the details of this dispute
11:14with a neighbor,
11:14but I've lived in Washington
11:16and covered politics
11:17long enough
11:17to be able to say
11:18he is, let's just say,
11:19not one of the most
11:20beloved senators
11:21on Capitol Hill.
11:22Why?
11:23Well, I think you might
11:25want to ask his neighbor.
11:27There seems to be
11:28another element
11:29of Mark Wayne's past
11:31that is coming back
11:32to haunt him right now.
11:34What part of Mullen's
11:35backstory is still
11:37being brought into question?
11:38He was a stripper.
11:39No.
11:40What would be
11:41Mark Wayne Mullen's
11:42stripper name?
11:43Mark Wayne full-on?
11:46What?
11:48Mark Wayne
11:49considered Mullen
11:50full-on,
11:51like a full-on...
11:52Like a boner?
11:53Like a boner, yeah.
11:54Oh.
11:54Okay.
11:55Earlier this month,
11:56Mark Wayne went on Fox News
11:57to defend our attacks
11:58on Iran,
11:59and he said this...
12:00War is ugly.
12:01It smells bad,
12:02and if anybody's ever
12:03been there
12:04and been able to smell
12:05the-the-the-the war
12:08that's happened around you
12:09and taste it
12:09and fill it
12:10in your nostrils
12:11and hear it,
12:12it's something
12:13that you'll never forget.
12:14Fact check true.
12:15Yeah.
12:16Okay.
12:17But can you taste it?
12:18Can you taste the war?
12:19I personally
12:19have never tasted it,
12:20but maybe he's been in wars
12:21that I haven't covered
12:22as a journalist,
12:22so I'm not gonna...
12:23I'm not gonna yuck
12:24his yum.
12:28After seeing Mark Wayne
12:30talk about
12:30the smell of war,
12:32New York rep
12:33and two-time
12:34Bronze Star recipient
12:36Pat Ryan
12:37shared the clip
12:38and asked,
12:38quote,
12:39Hey, Senator Mullen,
12:40what the actual fuck
12:41are you talking about?
12:43Did I miss the part
12:43of your bio
12:44where you served
12:45in combat
12:46or served in uniform
12:47at all?
12:48Call of Duty
12:49doesn't count.
12:52Bigger question.
12:53Did Rand Paul's
12:55strategy work?
12:55One of the most reliable
12:56rules of presidential
12:57nominations
12:58is if you want
12:59to get somebody
12:59confirmed,
13:00pick a senator
13:00because senators
13:01confirm their own.
13:02That's the rule.
13:03So if Senator
13:04Mark Wayne Mullen
13:05does not get confirmed
13:06as Secretary
13:07of Homeland Security
13:08because of a beef
13:09between Rand Paul
13:10and his neighbor,
13:11that is bonkers.
13:12You would need
13:13some kind of
13:13turncoat Democrat
13:14to vote for
13:15Mark Wayne Mullen
13:16for this thing
13:17to proceed
13:17and I don't think
13:18that's going to happen.
13:21What?
13:23Mark Wayne Mullen
13:24is moving on
13:25to the fantasy suites
13:26aka the Republican Senate
13:28because the deciding vote
13:30to approve
13:31Mark Wayne Mullen
13:32came from
13:33a Democratic senator,
13:36Pennsylvania king
13:37of the drawstring,
13:39John Fetterman.
13:41Oh, no.
13:43Right.
13:44John Fetterman
13:45dressed like a daddy
13:45and got custody
13:46of his kids.
13:48He just wears sweatshirts,
13:50right?
13:50It's just a range
13:51of sweatshirts.
13:51It's his thing.
13:52It wasn't just
13:52Mark Wayne Mullen.
13:53Who else found themselves
13:54in the hot seat
13:55before the Senate
13:56this week?
13:57There was Tulsi
13:57and there was Cash.
13:59Yes.
13:59It was Tulsi Gabbard
14:00aka the National
14:01Intelligence Director
14:02and she's like
14:03one of the mamas
14:04at a rough parent
14:05teacher conferences.
14:06Your child
14:07is a piece of shit.
14:11Now, question
14:11to the panel.
14:12Why might Tulsi
14:13be so evasive
14:14in her answers
14:16about the U.S.
14:17strikes on Iran?
14:18Because the president
14:19keeps making claims
14:21about why we went
14:23to war with Iran
14:24and everything
14:26that he's saying
14:27is contradicted
14:28by the report
14:29that our Director
14:30of National Intelligence
14:31submitted to the Congress
14:33and to the president.
14:35Here's what Tulsi
14:35Gabbard campaigned on
14:37back in 2020.
14:38He's on the brink
14:38of launching a very stupid
14:40and costly war
14:41with Iran.
14:42We have to stop
14:43President Trump
14:44from starting a war
14:45with Iran
14:45and risk direct
14:47U.S. conflict
14:47with Russia.
14:48Conflict that could
14:49easily lead
14:50to nuclear war.
14:51The U.S.
14:52must not go
14:53to war with Iran.
14:54And by not go
14:55to war,
14:56she meant
14:56we should go
14:57to war with Iran.
15:00That was 2020, Roy.
15:02Yeah.
15:02Things are different now.
15:03Tulsi's testimony
15:04was part of a hearing
15:05on global threats
15:06where we also heard
15:07from FBI Director
15:09Kash Patel
15:10looking like he's trying
15:10to get the waiter's
15:11attention,
15:12but the waiter
15:12is ignoring him
15:13on purpose.
15:15On Thursday,
15:16the House Select
15:17Intelligence Committee
15:18had questions for Kash
15:19over his firing
15:20of some FBI agents.
15:23Question,
15:23why were the firing
15:24of those FBI agents
15:26so concerning?
15:27Because they would
15:28have come in handy.
15:29We're at war with Iran
15:30and they could have helped.
15:31Points!
15:32I did it!
15:35Kash fired the agents
15:37in charge
15:38of monitoring threats
15:39from Iran!
15:40These last two stories
15:42have been rough, man.
15:43Tulsi Gabbard's a Hindu,
15:44this guy's an Indian.
15:45It's like,
15:46what did I do?
15:48Did you always know
15:49his first name,
15:50full name,
15:50was Kashyap?
15:51Yeah.
15:52It's like when you find out
15:53like your homeboy's name
15:54is T-Bone,
15:55but his real name
15:55is like Douglas.
15:56You're like, really?
15:58Do you think
15:59his dad wanted
16:01to name him
16:01Money Talks?
16:05But instead
16:06they went with Kashyap?
16:12The big question
16:13people have
16:13for Kash Patel
16:14this week is
16:15what are those?
16:18Oh.
16:19All week,
16:20people have been
16:20roasting the custom
16:21one-of-a-kind
16:22Nike Dunk Lows
16:23that director Patel
16:24debuted at a seminar.
16:25Let's take a closer
16:26look at these sneakers.
16:27I don't know
16:27if there are any
16:28hypebeasts out there
16:29watching,
16:29but these are custom.
16:31The number nine
16:32is specific
16:33because Kashyap's
16:34the ninth FBI director.
16:35And if you look
16:36on the tongue,
16:37it has this personal
16:38K-dollar sign
16:39H logo.
16:41The right shoe
16:42on the back there.
16:43Oh.
16:44That's the FBI model.
16:46And then the left shoe
16:47has the Punisher skull
16:48because he's just
16:49a giant fucking dork.
16:51Like, why?
16:51I just have to say
16:53I don't like Kash Patel.
16:55I don't like what he does.
16:56But I like that
16:57he's having fun.
17:00Like, I'm gonna get
17:01sneakers with my name on him.
17:03He's showing up
17:04to hockey games.
17:05He's popping champagne.
17:07He's getting silly shoes made.
17:09It's a good time.
17:10This is what you would do
17:11if you were FBI director.
17:13100%.
17:14Never vote for me.
17:16Never.
17:24Welcome back.
17:25It's time for
17:26the offender meter.
17:27Teams have to tell us
17:28who's the offender,
17:29what they did,
17:30and who they offended.
17:31Put an offender
17:32on the screen, please.
17:33Who's that offender, team?
17:35Is that John Oliver?
17:38After, like,
17:39eight whoppers, maybe.
17:41See, I'm a radio guy.
17:42I recognize people's voices.
17:43No idea what anyone else's like.
17:44Well, this guy
17:44sounds like this.
17:45Eh.
17:46Oh, right?
17:47That is Massachusetts
17:49federal judge
17:50Brian Monson.
17:51Murphy.
17:52Who do you all suspect
17:53that Judge Brian Murphy
17:55offended?
17:55Did he talk shit
17:56about Ben Affleck?
17:57Oh!
17:58Brian Murphy offended
17:59HHS director
18:01RFK Jr.
18:02Seen here telling children
18:04that Sprite causes lupus.
18:08How did Judge Murphy
18:09offend RFK Jr.?
18:11Did he strike down
18:12a vaccine policy,
18:13saying it was not
18:14founded in science?
18:15Points!
18:18On Monday,
18:19Judge Murphy
18:19blocked RFK
18:20from policy changes
18:21that were recommended
18:22by his hand-picked
18:23advisory committee,
18:24or as Greg Kelly put it.
18:25Okay, so, um,
18:27we'll have to give kids
18:2872 vaccines
18:29all over again?
18:31Is that what's going on here?
18:33What was that music?
18:37That was Indiana Jones
18:38running from the boulder music.
18:40The vaccines are coming.
18:42You got to run.
18:46The judge said that RFK
18:47and his advisory committee
18:48on immunization practices
18:49had made, quote,
18:52arbitrary and capricious changes
18:54to the childhood vaccine schedule.
18:57And as part of his decision,
18:58Judge Murphy brought up
18:59one very specific case
19:02involving which musical fan base?
19:06Is it the K-pop people?
19:07Oh, this is domestic, baby.
19:09Is it, um,
19:10insane clown posse?
19:14Juggalos!
19:14Boys!
19:15Oh!
19:19Are you for real?
19:20I'm just throwing up shit
19:21from half court.
19:23In one part of the ruling,
19:25Murphy cited Parsons
19:26versus United States
19:27Department of Justice,
19:28which was a case
19:29where the Juggalos
19:30tried to fight
19:31their designation
19:32as a gang.
19:33At this point,
19:34I'd rather have
19:35the insane clown posse
19:36in charge of HHS
19:37and RFK Jr.,
19:39but at least we now know
19:41they have an interest
19:42in science.
19:43Water, fire, air, and dirt.
19:45Fucking magnets.
19:46How do they work?
19:48You're asking
19:49all the real questions.
19:50Fucking magnets.
19:51They don't want to tell you
19:52about the magnets.
19:53It just works.
19:54You're not allowed
19:55to ask those questions.
19:56We ain't allowed.
19:57Why is it weird
19:58that RFK Jr. made a bunch
19:59of changes
20:00to the vaccine schedule?
20:02When he was confirmed,
20:03they were like,
20:04are you going to change
20:04the vaccine schedule?
20:05He's like, nah, I'm good.
20:06And then he did it,
20:07just like Donald Trump said.
20:08I'm not going to go
20:08to war with Iran,
20:09and then he did it.
20:10During his confirmation hearings,
20:11Kennedy said he wouldn't change
20:12the existing vaccine recommendations.
20:15Senator, I support vaccines.
20:19I support the childhood schedule.
20:22I will do that.
20:23I mean, the worm
20:24might have eaten
20:25the part of his brain
20:26that remembers saying that.
20:28What if that was
20:28the worm talking?
20:31One committee member,
20:33Dr. Kurt Milhone,
20:34seen here asking
20:35what it's going to take
20:35to get you into
20:36a new Dodge Stratus.
20:40Dr. Milhone is a pediatric
20:42cardiologist who has suggested
20:44that all childhood vaccines,
20:46including shots against polio
20:47and measles,
20:48should be optional
20:49because the diseases
20:51no longer pose
20:52the dangers they once did.
20:54Oh, I wonder why
20:55they no longer pose
20:56that danger.
20:57Maybe because
20:58they were eradicated
20:59by vaccines.
21:00Kennedy and his team
21:01have been wreaking havoc
21:02on vaccines in this country
21:03since taking over,
21:04reducing the number
21:06of recommended routine
21:07immunizations children receive
21:09from 17 to 11.
21:12Which diseases does the CDC
21:14no longer recommend vaccines for?
21:18Is it gonorrhea?
21:19Yeah.
21:19Cooties?
21:20Mumps, measles.
21:22Rickets.
21:22Some of the illnesses
21:23that the CDC
21:24no longer recommends
21:25children get regularly
21:26vaccinated for
21:27are hepatitis A,
21:28hepatitis B,
21:30rotavirus,
21:30influenza,
21:31and COVID.
21:33Yes.
21:34Those diseases build character.
21:35You got to catch them.
21:38A new Axios poll
21:40says that 70%
21:41of Americans
21:42have little
21:43or no trust
21:44in health information
21:46from Kennedy.
21:48I just think
21:48it's hard to take
21:49medical advice
21:50from a guy
21:51that sounds like that.
21:52Like he sounds
21:53like he's dying.
21:54He does die.
21:55He sounds like
21:56he's actively dying.
21:59Does anyone know
22:00what other battle
22:01RFK Jr. was fighting
22:02right before Judge Murphy
22:04handed down
22:05this week's decision?
22:06Was he wrestling a shark?
22:07He very well
22:08could have been
22:09wrestling a shark.
22:10Here's a video
22:11the secretary posted
22:12last weekend.
22:13And here we go.
22:14The crowd is on their feet.
22:16What an entrance.
22:17Hustle takes on the stack.
22:19What power?
22:20A huge suplex.
22:22What a slam.
22:23This is incredible.
22:25That's got to be AI.
22:26I'm okay with him
22:27fighting Twinkies.
22:29Twinkies don't mold.
22:32That's not normal.
22:33Some of my best friends
22:34are Twinkies.
22:37Let's see your offender.
22:40Oh, these guys.
22:41Oh, yeah.
22:42They're the children
22:43of the corn.
22:45Is the corn
22:46Elon Musk?
22:48Yes.
22:48Yes, these two are
22:49Justin Fox
22:50and Nate Kavanaugh.
22:52Who did they offend?
22:55They offended
22:55you and I,
22:56my darling.
22:57Keep going, why?
22:58They dismantled
22:59DEI
23:00and they were
23:02talking about
23:03what qualifies
23:05as DEI.
23:07And their answers
23:09were basically
23:10anything
23:11that has
23:12anything to do
23:13with anyone
23:14who is not white.
23:16Any fucking thing.
23:17It was a bit of a
23:20master class.
23:21Sorry, master race class.
23:24Points.
23:26Yes, Justin and Nate
23:27offended former
23:28government employees
23:29by working for Doge
23:31and getting a lot
23:32of people fired.
23:33Now, Doge is back
23:34in the news
23:35thanks to this.
23:36Former employees
23:37of Elon Musk's
23:38Department of Government
23:39Efficiency
23:40in the hot seat tonight.
23:41Deposition videos
23:42from January
23:43tied to a civil lawsuit
23:44going viral online.
23:46Former Doge staffer
23:48Nathan Kavanaugh there
23:49looked like he just
23:50got his first
23:50couple pubic hairs.
23:53It's always a special day.
23:55You remember that
23:55first two, three pubic hairs?
23:57Still waiting.
24:00This is the guy
24:01who weighed in
24:02on how the government
24:03was spending his money.
24:04He was the staffer
24:05at Doge.
24:06How did Nathan decide
24:07what was and wasn't
24:09DEI?
24:10He played roulette
24:11in whatever came up black.
24:13Nathan said he made
24:14personal judgment calls
24:16on what was and wasn't
24:17DEI.
24:18And lawyers then
24:19asked him
24:20if that even made sense.
24:22Do you think it's
24:23inappropriate in any way
24:24that someone in their
24:2620s with no experience
24:28with grants
24:29for federal government
24:30was making personal
24:31judgment calls
24:32about what grants
24:33to counsel?
24:35No, I don't think
24:36it's inappropriate.
24:39Why not?
24:40I think
24:43a person can have
24:44enough judgment
24:46from reading books.
24:47What books would you
24:48have read that would
24:48have informed your
24:49opinion on what
24:50grants to cancel
24:50based on DEI?
24:51There were no books.
24:57But I know what
24:58DEI is.
24:59I am aware.
25:00I understand how
25:01to detect DEI.
25:02I watched two episodes
25:03of Martin and two
25:03episodes of Frasier.
25:06Frasier.
25:06White Frasier.
25:08That's like the
25:09whitest...
25:10You got to have
25:11a control.
25:13You watch Frasier
25:14to understand the
25:15whiteness and then
25:15you move over to
25:16Martin.
25:18It turns out, though,
25:19they weren't using
25:20books to inform
25:21their cuts over at
25:22Doge.
25:22What did they base
25:24their cuts on?
25:25I feel like they
25:26used ChatGPT.
25:28What?
25:29Oh, no.
25:30Survey says...
25:32Fox said he used
25:33ChatGPT to help
25:35identify and eliminate
25:36DEI programs.
25:37I don't like the word
25:38eliminate there.
25:39This meant, for example,
25:40that Doge canceled a grant
25:42for a museum's new
25:43HVAC system because
25:44ChatGPT mistakenly
25:46flagged it as DEI.
25:49Panel, do you think
25:51Kavanaugh regrets that
25:52people lost their jobs
25:54because of him?
25:55No.
25:56I think he regrets not
25:58having a top or bottom
26:00lip.
26:02No.
26:03He does not regret it.
26:04Check it out.
26:05You don't regret that
26:06people might have lost
26:08important income to
26:11support their lives?
26:12No.
26:12I think it was more
26:13important to reduce
26:14the federal deficit
26:15from $2 trillion
26:16to close to zero.
26:17Did you reduce
26:18the federal deficit?
26:20No, we didn't.
26:21Where's Rand Paul's
26:22neighbor when you need
26:23him?
26:25But despite not
26:26accomplishing anything,
26:27Nathan still has fans.
26:29Question.
26:30Who's still a fan of
26:31old Nate Dogg out
26:33there in the world?
26:34Jake Paul.
26:35Powerboys.
26:36Kid Rock.
26:37Nick Fuentes.
26:39Frasier from Frasier.
26:41Don't put this on
26:42Kelsey Grammar.
26:43Don't you do that
26:44to Kelsey Grammar.
26:45Boy, you better
26:45Google Kelsey Grammar.
26:49Google it.
26:50No.
26:50Yes.
26:51Yeah.
26:51The dog is, too.
26:53That's the crazy one.
26:56It is Elon Musk
26:57who's still a fan
26:58of Nate Kavanaugh.
26:59Elon posted a clip of
27:00Nathan and said it was
27:01quote,
27:04legendarily based.
27:05First off,
27:06don't talk like that,
27:07Elon.
27:08Elon Musk makes me
27:09wish Mandela was
27:10meaner to the whites
27:11when he got out of
27:12prison.
27:14He's all like,
27:15truth and reconciliation.
27:16Truth and reconciliation.
27:18This is what happened.
27:20That was a friend of me,
27:21though.
27:34Welcome back.
27:35It is time for
27:37Missing Words.
27:39Here's your headline.
27:41This innovative Chinese
27:42robot can make you
27:44a blank.
27:45A star.
27:47Can make you
27:49a delicious breakfast,
27:51but then 10 minutes
27:51later, you're hungry
27:52again.
27:53Oh.
27:55It rhymes with star,
27:56Amber.
27:56I'll give you that.
27:57It can make you a car.
27:59It can make you go far.
28:01It can open your jar.
28:03This innovative Chinese
28:04robot can make you
28:05a centaur.
28:07I'm sorry, what?
28:08Yes, a centaur.
28:10Don't act like y'all
28:10don't know about the horse.
28:11Change the bottom of my
28:12body to a horse body?
28:14The centaur.
28:15You know, you got the
28:16horse.
28:16You got the horse booty.
28:17You got the foot.
28:18That's what I'm saying.
28:20I'm me, the bottom
28:22is pony.
28:22Okay, yeah.
28:23I thought you just
28:24meant the two-leg centaur,
28:25like the pupit.
28:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
28:27That would be ridiculous.
28:32In a new paper published
28:34by the International
28:34Journal of Robotics
28:36Research, a team of
28:37Chinese engineers say
28:38that their proposed
28:39human centaur system
28:40helps with weight
28:41distribution for people
28:43who have to carry
28:43heavy things.
28:44And let's just see it
28:45in action first.
28:52Do you need to get
28:53like a special
28:56centaur lock
28:56for when you park
28:57it outside, you know,
28:58and you don't want
28:59your centaur to get
29:00stolen?
29:01Yeah.
29:02First off,
29:03you're not going to
29:04take your centaur
29:04and lock it up outside.
29:06You're going to take
29:06that centaur inside
29:08because this thing
29:10takes the stairs.
29:18That's going to get
29:19you killed.
29:22Does anyone know
29:23why a San Jose robot
29:24made headlines this week?
29:26I think one of those
29:27Waymo delivery cubes
29:30ran over a duck.
29:34Okay.
29:35The robot in San Jose
29:36made headlines because
29:37he wouldn't stop dancing
29:39while he trashed
29:40a restaurant.
29:42The staff tried
29:44their best to get
29:45the employee
29:45under control.
29:58The last time
29:59I did that,
30:00I kept saying,
30:00I'm good.
30:01I'm good.
30:03Here's your headline.
30:04Judge dismisses
30:05lawsuit from diner
30:06who claimed blank.
30:08Who claimed
30:09that that hair
30:10was yours.
30:14Judge dismisses
30:15lawsuit from diner
30:16who claimed
30:17taco shop salsa
30:18was too spicy.
30:19Oh.
30:21Ah, yes.
30:22Not everybody's
30:23built to live mass.
30:26Roy, is there
30:26any indication
30:27if the person
30:28who did the suing
30:29was white?
30:31Do I recall
30:32that that person
30:32was from, like,
30:33Switzerland
30:33or something like that?
30:34Germany, yes.
30:36After trying
30:37the green salsa
30:38at Los Tacos
30:38No. 1,
30:39a Times Square
30:39taco spot
30:40in 2024,
30:42German tourists
30:43said he suffered,
30:44quote,
30:44severe physical
30:46symptoms.
30:47Here's the story.
30:49According to the complaint,
30:50Faisal Mons
30:51said his tongue
30:52burned
30:52and his blood
30:53pressure soared
30:54after eating
30:55the green salsa.
30:57The judge,
30:57though,
30:58dismissed the claim,
30:59saying Mons
31:00never inquired
31:01about the salsa
31:02before eating it.
31:03The restaurant
31:03argued,
31:05salsa
31:05is often
31:06spicy.
31:08We've been
31:09tourists in other
31:10countries,
31:10and you be watching
31:11other people,
31:11how they do
31:12their shit,
31:12but, okay,
31:13I'm gonna...
31:13It's Germany,
31:14it's not Mars.
31:16After the tourist
31:17told a reporter
31:18to try the dangerous
31:19salsa for himself,
31:21the reporter found,
31:22quote,
31:23the salsa was just,
31:25wasn't that spicy.
31:27Um,
31:28yes,
31:29probably a Latino
31:29reporter,
31:30Denise Havoneiro.
31:33The salsa
31:34suit was
31:34one of
31:35three
31:36separate
31:37lawsuits
31:38the man
31:38filed against
31:39New York
31:39area businesses
31:40after his
31:42six-day visit.
31:43Mr. Mons
31:44also sued
31:44a New Jersey
31:45Walmart
31:45for discrimination.
31:47Who's the
31:47third group
31:48that he sued?
31:49Black people.
31:51This is
31:52an official
31:53organization
31:54that has it
31:54defined...
31:55NAACP.
31:58FDNY.
31:59He also sued
32:00the NYPD.
32:03Mr. Mons
32:04sued the NYPD
32:04for $10 million
32:05after he says
32:06he tried to
32:06report a crime
32:07and police
32:08failed to respond
32:09to his 911 call
32:11in a timely manner.
32:13Was the crime
32:14that the salsa
32:14was too spicy?
32:16I've never been
32:18pro-police brutality
32:19until this story.
32:22That's Missing Words.
32:23More after the break.
32:35Welcome back.
32:36It's time for
32:38Meet in the Middle
32:39where we find
32:39common ground
32:40between two
32:41different people.
32:42All right.
32:43On one side
32:44we have
32:44John Fetterman,
32:45Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
32:46Mark Levin,
32:47and Hugh Hefner.
32:49And on the other side
32:50there's Katie Britt,
32:51Nellie,
32:52Secretary of Veteran Affairs
32:53Doug Collins
32:54and Winnie the Pooh.
32:56First up
32:57we've got
32:57Insane Brown Posse.
32:59Which two of these people
33:00worked for UPS?
33:02Team Michael.
33:03So John Fetterman.
33:04He still looks like
33:05he works for UPS.
33:06Definitely John Fetterman.
33:09And Katie Britt.
33:10Yep.
33:11Okay.
33:11We're going to go
33:11Fetterman and Katie Britt.
33:13Fetterman's big enough
33:14to carry multiple packages.
33:17He's like Frankenstein.
33:18He could do it.
33:20Yep.
33:21John Fetterman and Nellie
33:22both worked for UPS.
33:26John Fetterman posted
33:27this throwback pic
33:28of him driving
33:29a UPS truck
33:30back in the day.
33:32Oh my God.
33:33What happened?
33:35Why is his body
33:37so big
33:37and his head
33:38is so small?
33:40So Fetterman
33:41worked for UPS
33:42as did Nellie.
33:44My first job
33:45that actually
33:46paid better
33:47was UPS
33:48and that's the one
33:49I like to say
33:49I took pride in
33:50because
33:51you know
33:51that was like
33:52nine bucks an hour.
33:53I thought I was the man.
33:54Yeah.
33:54That's a lot.
33:57All right.
33:58Let's do
33:58We're Here.
33:59We're Cheer.
34:01Get used to it.
34:02Which two of these people
34:03were high school
34:04cheerleaders?
34:05Teen Amber?
34:06Well
34:06Hefner probably was.
34:08It's possible.
34:09And I would say
34:11girl lady.
34:12Yeah.
34:13Yeah I agree with that.
34:14I want to say
34:15Doug Collins.
34:16Great.
34:16Doug Collins on the right.
34:17But I like the idea
34:18of Mark Levin
34:19in a little skirt
34:21so much
34:22that I want to go
34:23with Mark Levin.
34:23I don't need to know that.
34:26Ruth Bader Ginsburg
34:27and Katie Britt
34:29were high school
34:30cheerleaders.
34:31RPG?
34:32And
34:32according to her yearbook
34:33from James Madison
34:34High School in Brooklyn
34:35Justice Ginsburg
34:37was a member
34:38of the Twirlers.
34:40Oh.
34:41Yeah she was in
34:42the Twirlers
34:42for just a little
34:44too long
34:44and people were like
34:45shouldn't you
34:45stop twirling?
34:46And she was like
34:47nah I'm gonna
34:48keep twirling.
34:49But yeah if you
34:50quit twirling now
34:51before you die
34:52then we could get
34:52some new younger
34:53twirlers in.
34:57Next up we've got
34:58holy scrap.
34:59Which two of these
35:00people were really
35:02really into
35:03scrapbooking?
35:04I would say
35:04squinty guy.
35:06Okay.
35:07Glasses.
35:07Glasses left.
35:08And
35:09glasses right.
35:11For some reason
35:12I know that Hugh
35:13Hefner
35:14in his later years
35:15was big
35:17into scrapbooking.
35:18That was a thing
35:19that he would do
35:19with his many wives.
35:21Oh.
35:21So Doug Collins
35:22and Hugh Hefner.
35:23Hugh Hefner
35:23and Secretary
35:24of Veteran Affairs
35:25Doug Collins
35:26were both
35:28into scrapbooking.
35:29Before Collins
35:30was elected
35:30to Congress
35:30in 2012
35:31he actually
35:32owned a
35:33scrapbooking company.
35:35And Hugh Hefner
35:36was really
35:37into scrapping
35:38uh Michael.
35:39Here's a picture
35:39of Hef
35:40with the scrapbooks.
35:41Oh.
35:42There is some
35:43blackmail fodder there.
35:45Yeah you know
35:45them pages
35:46stuck together
35:46though they can't
35:47get to blackmail.
35:48Yeah.
35:50Hef had around
35:513,000 scrapbooks
35:54but shockingly
35:55that wasn't even
35:55his worst vice.
35:57What addiction
35:58did Hugh Hefner
36:00share with
36:01rapper Fat Joe?
36:03Uh Viagra.
36:04Metamucil?
36:05Hugh Hefner
36:06and Fat Joe
36:07were both
36:07addicted to
36:08Diet Pepsi.
36:10At his peak
36:12Hugh Hefner
36:12was drinking
36:13up to
36:1330
36:14Diet Pepsis
36:16a day.
36:1730!
36:18And not only
36:19was Hugh Hefner
36:20drinking up to
36:2130 a day
36:21so was Fat Joe.
36:23I got a problem.
36:2530, 40 a day.
36:27Let me tell you
36:27something.
36:28If I went to
36:28the doctor
36:29God forbid
36:30and they told me
36:31yo you have a problem
36:32due to Diet Pepsi
36:33I gotta take the
36:34shit on the chip.
36:35I gotta just be like
36:37I knew I was just
36:38doing too much
36:39with them Diet Pepsis.
36:44I feel like
36:45if your worst vices
36:46are Diet Pepsi
36:47and scrapbooking
36:49your life is a little
36:50more boring
36:50than I thought
36:51Hugh Hefner's life was.
36:53We didn't get
36:54to Mark Levin
36:55and Winnie the Pooh
36:56but between the rumors
36:57about Levin
36:58and Pooh's friendship
36:59with Piglet
36:59both of them
37:00are associated
37:01with a tiny hog.
37:02More after the break.
37:11Welcome back.
37:13It's time for
37:14Which is Higher?
37:15I'll give you
37:16two unrelated numbers
37:17from the news.
37:18You tell me
37:19which is higher?
37:21Now St. Patrick's Day
37:22was this week
37:23so it's the perfect time
37:25if you're at the house
37:26kick back
37:27and re-watch
37:28the entire
37:29Leprechaun movie franchise.
37:31Oh.
37:32I rocked with
37:33Warwick Davis
37:33and the Leprechauns
37:34which brings us
37:35to the question
37:36which is higher?
37:37The number of films
37:39where Warwick Davis
37:40played the title role
37:42in the Leprechaun movie
37:43franchise
37:43or the total number
37:45of Mission Impossible movies?
37:48I think it's Tom Cruise.
37:49I think it's Tom Cruise
37:50and I've always thought that.
37:52Okay.
37:53So you think
37:54there's more
37:54Mission Impossible movies
37:55than Leprechaun movies
37:56with Warwick Davis?
37:57That's right.
37:58Okay.
37:58Team Michael.
37:59I feel like
37:59this is a trick question.
38:00I feel like
38:01obviously there's more
38:02Mission Impossible movies
38:03which makes me think
38:04it's actually
38:05the Leprechaun.
38:05How many
38:06Mission Impossibles
38:07do you see?
38:07Like six?
38:08Seven?
38:08There's at least eight
38:09if not 20.
38:10I didn't know.
38:12The number of films
38:13where Warwick Davis
38:14plays the title role
38:15in the Leprechaun movie
38:16franchise is six.
38:18Ooh.
38:18And the total number
38:19of Mission Impossible movies
38:20is eight.
38:22Ah.
38:22So the number
38:23of Mission Impossible movies
38:24is indeed higher.
38:27Now if you don't know
38:27the Leprechaun movie franchise
38:29I know there's some
38:29youngins in here
38:30you watch all this
38:31new stuff on TikTok
38:32Leprechaun is a
38:33beautiful franchise
38:34about a little
38:34evil green dude
38:35and he run around
38:36and all he want
38:37is his gold.
38:41Question.
38:42Which of these
38:43is a real
38:45Leprechaun movie title?
38:47Is it
38:47Leprechaun
38:48over the rainbow?
38:49Leprechaun
38:50versus gnome?
38:51Or Leprechaun
38:51in the hood?
38:52Team Michael.
38:53It's got to be
38:54Leprechaun in the hood.
38:55Really?
38:55I want it to be
38:56Leprechaun in the hood.
38:56Someone would make that?
38:57Yes.
38:58They would make that.
38:58I had a long night
39:00and I didn't know
39:00what else to watch
39:01and the answer
39:04is Leprechaun in the hood.
39:07Yes.
39:08The real movie
39:09is Leprechaun
39:10in the hood.
39:12Question.
39:13In Leprechaun
39:14in the hood
39:14this is just for you
39:15all right?
39:16Nobody.
39:18In Leprechaun
39:18in the hood
39:19does the Leprechaun
39:21rap?
39:22I want the answer
39:24to be yes.
39:24I'm going to say
39:25yes.
39:26Damn right he does.
39:29Will you show us
39:31the rap?
39:31It's fine.
39:32It's fine that
39:33he raps in the movie
39:34okay?
39:35But we aren't going
39:36to be showing that.
39:37All right?
39:39All right?
39:39We don't want
39:40no one wants to see it.
39:41Let's just skip
39:42to flip your
39:43fucking card over
39:44and read the next thing
39:46I can't live like this.
39:48Leprechaun rapping.
39:49From the Emerald Isle
39:50to your place
39:50in the hood
39:51I'm the man of green
39:52come to do no good.
39:53Flip in the hood
39:54come to do no good.
39:55Leprechaun?
39:57Wow.
39:59I don't like this job
40:01or the people here.
40:05That was Witch's Hire.
40:11Time for a game
40:12called Who's That Baby?
40:15All right.
40:16Let's see that baby.
40:17Oh, the baby.
40:19First clue.
40:20They are not eligible
40:21to run for president.
40:22They played a kindergarten
40:23teacher in a movie
40:24and they are probably
40:26the only California governor
40:27who could bitch press
40:28500 pounds.
40:29Wow.
40:30Gavin Newsom.
40:33It's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
40:35Yes, it is Arnold
40:37Schwarzenegger.
40:38And you can...
40:38Oh, same expression.
40:40Ran out of muscle milk.
40:41Nowadays,
40:42every celebrity
40:42is selling something.
40:44They always have commercials
40:45and they're influencing us
40:46and doing endorsements.
40:48Oh, Arnold had a commercial
40:49over there
40:49out there in Japan.
40:50I'm going to show you
40:51a few seconds
40:52of an Arnold Schwarzenegger
40:54commercial
40:54and I want you all
40:56to tell me
40:56what product
40:57you think it's selling.
41:05What is that ad selling?
41:08Deodorant.
41:08The pants.
41:10Ooh.
41:11Here's what the Arnold Schwarzenegger
41:12commercial was selling.
41:23The yen was strong.
41:26That was
41:26Who's That Baby?
41:27I want to thank our guests
41:28Harry Kondabolu
41:29and Ari Shapiro.
41:32And of course,
41:33thank you to our team
41:34captains
41:35Amber Ruffin
41:35and Michael Ian Black.
41:37Here are a few more stories
41:39we're watching.
41:40Man spoils the end
41:42of Conclave.
41:45VP dazzles crowd
41:46with an invisible bass solo.
41:50I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:51and I'll see you next week
41:52for another episode
41:52of Have I Got News For You
41:54and I'm available
41:55to be the new Bachelorette.
41:58Good night.
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