- 4 days ago
Diary of a Woman follows Alex Darkley, a middle-aged teacher, who's descent into suicidal insanity is triggered by his early childhood and facing refusal and bigotry when living out his sexual ambiguity.
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00:07:00Alex.
00:07:00Alex, what's up?
00:07:03Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:07:31I'm sure, no, no, no.
00:07:57Yeah, no, no, no, no.
00:08:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:09:01Sometimes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:09:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:09:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:09:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:09:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:09:04no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
00:09:17you know that the condition of your mother has been deteriorating over the
00:09:21past few months she will most likely never be able to leave the hospital
00:09:26again okay and as her lawyer it is my duty to tell you that all her savings
00:09:32are gone and that the bank closed the bank accounts as a sole descendant you
00:09:39are obliged to take care of her financial affairs which means I also have
00:09:46to vacate her apartment that's exactly what I tried to say and when do you
00:09:53think as soon as possible we have no choice so that's the situation
00:10:22so
00:10:29so
00:10:37so
00:10:46so
00:11:13remarkable it's all here
00:11:19so
00:11:20so
00:11:22so
00:11:32once we laughed in here we cried you and I we celebrated Christmas and
00:11:39every one of my birthdays sang songs and danced for joy
00:11:52you are never gonna come home I was the one who needed to come home
00:12:11I feel like I'm underwater
00:12:16swimming upstream like a sound against the current floating towards the sun fighting so hard to reach
00:12:25reach the place I was born
00:12:26I was born
00:12:54I was born
00:13:07Strange, it's all black and white in my memory now, no colour at all, save one, the red colour of
00:13:17your dress.
00:13:39Where did you go when I was looking for you in the middle of the night?
00:13:45So many nights, leaving your child behind.
00:13:50The soundtrack of the ticking clock haunting me, counting the remaining hours of the night.
00:14:33And the sound of the clock haunting you'll see in the middle of the night.
00:14:33So, I'm going to get to the end of the night, and I'm going to check out the lighting.
00:14:34I'm going to get to the end of the night.
00:14:34I'm going to get to the end of the night.
00:14:38And now, I'm going to get to the end of the night.
00:15:10I could have arranged to have this apartment cleaned out before I even got here.
00:15:16All it takes is one phone call.
00:15:20But now I'm stalking my childhood days like a tormented boy, instead of getting rid of
00:15:25all the clutter in cardboard boxes.
00:15:28Did you know I would return here eventually?
00:15:32I can start with uncovering the past.
00:15:57I can start with a new phone call.
00:15:59I can start with a new phone call.
00:16:01I can start with a new phone call.
00:16:35Look at you.
00:16:40Spooning your meal.
00:16:48You have no clue who I am.
00:16:58Your empty gaze strewn with question marks and mental debris.
00:17:06I'm so sorry for you, Mom.
00:17:10So many nights in bed, alone, without anyone to hold.
00:17:14I will hold you, if you let me.
00:17:43No eat.
00:17:51No get me.
00:18:10Well, as far as I know, there wasn't one specific event that triggered his sudden anxiety.
00:18:19But deep scars hidden in the subconscious eventually find their way out.
00:18:30And that's exactly why it makes me sad, still,
00:18:35that Alex wasn't able to analyze them or get them out of his system.
00:19:25So easy to change again .
00:19:26I don't know.
00:19:26I'm so glad I can learn that.
00:19:26I was so glad I enjoyed this time.
00:19:26I did it for the rest of the day.
00:19:26I was so glad I was such a great day.
00:19:26I did it for a nice day.
00:19:30I was so happy to listen to my friends.
00:19:30You've been to the best friend of mine.
00:19:32I was so happy to be here every day.
00:19:55I love you, Alex.
00:20:10I love you, Alex.
00:20:35I love you, Alex.
00:21:03I love you, Alex.
00:21:47I love you, Alex.
00:22:09I love you, Alex.
00:22:26I love you, Alex.
00:22:52I love you, Alex.
00:23:10I love you, Alex.
00:23:34I love you, Alex.
00:23:42I love you, Alex.
00:24:10I love you, Alex.
00:24:28I love you, Alex.
00:25:00I love you, Alex.
00:25:36I love you, Alex.
00:25:50I love you, Alex.
00:26:12I love you, Alex.
00:26:53I love you, Alex.
00:26:54I love you, Alex.
00:27:32What images come to mind?
00:27:44Is there anything else?
00:27:50How could I answer that question?
00:27:58There was absolutely nothing to talk about.
00:28:09Well, I knew that he was seeing a psychiatrist and was on medication, sleeping pills, antidepressants
00:28:15and so on.
00:28:22But I just couldn't reach him anymore.
00:28:26He didn't talk to me.
00:28:29I thought he had a problem with me, but what do you do if someone just doesn't talk to you
00:28:35anymore?
00:28:42No.
00:28:46In my opinion, no medication can penetrate to the roots of such severe mental illness.
00:28:53It just numbed his symptoms and locked him into an even tighter mental cage.
00:29:24All right.
00:29:33All right.
00:29:33Please.
00:30:12My family album full of people I never met.
00:30:19Ghosts from another century.
00:30:28Ghosts from another century.
00:30:31Did you know that this was my magic castle and secret hideaway?
00:30:44And what about my little alter ego?
00:30:58My only true friend and confidant.
00:31:13Who was I trying to imitate?
00:31:20You?
00:31:26Or was this intended for the future me?
00:31:33Scrubbed of all shame and guilt.
00:31:37I don't know.
00:31:47I'll be able to get a bit of time and to make the whole world.
00:31:50I'll be able to get a bit of time.
00:31:50I'll be able to get a bit of time.
00:31:54I'll be able to get a bit of time.
00:32:05Let's go.
00:32:35Let's go.
00:33:09Let's go.
00:33:53Let's go.
00:33:58Let's go.
00:33:59Combs and brushes, the putrid smell of perfume and alcohol woven into a filthy toothbrush.
00:34:10Eyeliner, bottles and scented powder.
00:34:15All that's left of you.
00:34:21Let's go.
00:34:26Let's go.
00:34:28Let's go.
00:34:33Let's go.
00:34:34Let's go.
00:34:34Let's go.
00:34:34Let's go.
00:34:34Let's go.
00:34:34Let's go.
00:35:02Let's go.
00:35:06Let's go.
00:35:06Let's go.
00:35:14Let's go.
00:35:15Let's go.
00:35:18Let's go.
00:35:23Let's go.
00:35:27Let's go.
00:35:29Let's go.
00:35:30Let's go.
00:35:31Let's go.
00:35:40Let's go.
00:35:43Let's go.
00:35:43Let's go.
00:35:44Let's go.
00:35:45Let's go.
00:36:06Let's go.
00:36:08Let's go.
00:36:12Let's go.
00:36:16Let's go.
00:36:27Let's go.
00:36:32Let's go.
00:36:36I don't know.
00:37:28I don't know.
00:37:41I don't know.
00:38:00I don't know.
00:38:03I don't know.
00:38:42I don't know.
00:39:29I don't know.
00:39:32And I guess that's exactly why I just didn't recognize the first signs and wasn't aware of the seriousness of
00:39:38the situation and...
00:39:41I wasn't prepared for what was coming.
00:39:48Yeah, it was very painful to see him slide away and get pulled into that dark abyss of nightmares and
00:39:57hallucinations, from which he couldn't escape.
00:40:22I don't know.
00:40:26I don't know.
00:40:40I don't know.
00:40:41I don't know.
00:40:42I don't know.
00:40:55I don't know.
00:40:56I don't know.
00:40:57I don't know.
00:40:58I don't know.
00:41:03I don't know.
00:41:09I don't know.
00:41:11I don't know.
00:41:18I don't know.
00:41:19I don't know.
00:41:29I don't know.
00:41:32I don't know.
00:41:37I don't know.
00:41:57I don't know.
00:42:26I don't know.
00:42:27I don't know.
00:42:30I don't know.
00:42:33I don't know.
00:42:36I don't know.
00:43:53It takes a surprisingly short time to disengage from the past.
00:44:05Maybe my true self lies beyond all boundaries of sex and gender.
00:44:25Maybe it always has and I never really knew.
00:46:25I don't know.
00:46:41I don't know.
00:47:28I don't know.
00:47:39I don't know.
00:48:14I want to trade this in.
00:48:34It's right in for what?
00:48:38The gun.
00:48:419mm Firestar.
00:48:45Whatever.
00:48:46Got ammunition?
00:48:48No.
00:49:02I finally have to stop eating all that crap and become healthy again.
00:49:08A healthy mind and a powerful body.
00:49:12I have to keep my focus straight and switch all my senses to full alert.
00:49:39I could have been a father.
00:49:41A daddy with a little girl.
00:49:43I kind of like that.
00:49:45Here.
00:49:47Lucy!
00:49:50Lucy!
00:49:57Then again.
00:49:59Maybe not.
00:50:11How many truths are hiding in the dark?
00:50:17Why do I feel a great relief in slipping into my other self?
00:50:23This is also part of God's creation?
00:50:29Or maybe God is nothing but a magician?
00:50:33Dividing night from day, pain from joy, innocence from evil.
00:50:39And what if all that no longer mattered?
00:50:42And I'm God's lonely soul.
00:50:45The naked rabbit in the hat.
00:50:49Now you see me?
00:50:53Now you don't.
00:50:55Now you don't.
00:51:24Now you don't.
00:51:27Now you don't.
00:51:46So you don't.
00:51:58And every now and then, unexpected visitors creep into my new life, trying to divert my
00:52:05path.
00:52:06Alex?
00:52:08How could she ever understand?
00:52:12But...
00:52:13Poor Laura.
00:52:25I pick up your trail, Mama, and my journey into the night has just begun.
00:52:31I pick up your path, Mama, and my journey into the night has just begun.
00:54:20Hey, more drink?
00:54:23Hey, here, here, here, here.
00:54:28Hello, Charlie.
00:54:32Hello, Charlie.
00:54:34Hello, Charlie.
00:54:37Hey, hey.
00:54:39Oh, my God.
00:54:51Oh, my God.
00:54:54Get him out!
00:54:56Get him out!
00:54:58He's a disease!
00:55:00Fuck you!
00:55:03Get the fuck out!
00:55:08And stay out.
00:55:24Let's go.
00:55:47Let's go.
00:55:52Oh yeah, oh shit, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, fuck me, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:26oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:36oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:36oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:36oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:36oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:56:38oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
00:57:15So, let's go.
00:57:50Oh, my God.
00:58:18Oh, my God.
00:58:48I'm glad you're on, you know you're my love
00:58:54You know I was so old, I was so old
00:58:59I'm feeling no good, but I took my love
00:59:03I came to my best, but you took my hand
00:59:08I had my plan, but when I kissed you
00:59:13I knew you had my heart
00:59:17Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:59:28yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:59:39yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:59:51Oh, my God.
01:00:24Oh, my God.
01:00:47Oh, my God.
01:01:17Oh, my God.
01:01:19Oh, my God.
01:01:20Oh, my God.
01:01:44Oh, my God.
01:02:00Oh, my God.
01:02:11Oh, my God.
01:02:32Oh, my God.
01:02:38Oh, my God.
01:03:17Oh, my God.
01:03:20Oh, my God.
01:03:50And we are born and die alone.
01:04:26Oh, my God.
01:04:50Oh, my God.
01:04:52Oh, my God.
01:05:36Oh, my God.
01:06:13Oh, my God.
01:06:15Oh, my God.
01:06:16Oh, my God.
01:06:23Oh, my God.
01:06:54Oh, my God.
01:07:44Oh, my God.
01:07:48Oh, my God.
01:08:44Oh, my God.
01:08:47Oh, my God.
01:09:23Oh, my God.
01:10:09Oh, my God.
01:10:12Oh, my God.
01:10:53Oh, my God.
01:11:35Oh, my God.
01:11:55Oh, my God.
01:12:05Oh, my God.
01:12:40Oh, my God.
01:13:01Oh, my God.
01:13:29Oh, my God.
01:14:05Oh, my God.
01:14:09Oh, my God.
01:14:12Oh, my God.
01:14:29Oh, my God.
01:14:45Oh, my God.
01:14:50Oh, my God.
01:15:22Oh, my God.
01:16:07Oh, my God.
01:16:23Oh, my God.
01:16:53Oh, my God.
01:17:15Oh, my God.
01:17:33Oh, my God.
01:18:07Oh, my God.
01:18:30Oh, my God.
01:19:00Oh, my God.
01:19:36Oh, my God.
01:20:26Oh, my God.
01:20:58Oh, my God.
01:21:00Oh, my God.
01:21:24Oh, my God.
01:21:36Oh, my God.
01:21:38Oh, my God.
01:21:40Oh, my God.
01:22:13Oh, my God.
01:22:18Oh, my God.
01:22:21Oh, my God.
01:22:31Oh, my God.
01:23:01Oh, my God.
01:23:26Oh, my God.
01:23:37Oh, my God.
01:23:53Oh, my God.
01:24:10Oh, my God.
01:25:06Oh, my God.
01:25:34Oh, my God.
01:26:06Oh, my God.
01:26:09Oh, my God.
01:26:45Oh, my God.
01:27:13Oh, my God.
01:27:57Oh, my God.
01:28:26Oh, my God.
01:28:32Oh, my God.
01:29:05Oh, my God.
01:29:32Oh, my God.