- 21 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:07Why are we having a barbecue it's freezing because four days ago is really hot
00:14Let's play a drinking game. Okay, I'll stop never have I ever
00:19Kissed two boys on the same night
00:22guilty
00:24See me next never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-nazi to headline a music festival
00:33Go you said you wouldn't be
00:41Been friends with Jeffrey Epstein
00:51Is that Melania Trump I said never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
01:01What are you doing in a garden in Croydon?
01:04I am here to stop you nasty people spreading rumors about me
01:09We weren't doing that we weren't even talking about you
01:16Are you okay, of course not now
01:24Okay, truth or dare
01:27My goal how dare you accuse me of female friendship with short-haired sex trafficker Gislin Maxwell
01:36Why do we bring up all the Epstein stuff?
01:39Yeah, like your husband literally started a war to distract us from it
01:42It was kind of working to be fair to the lad
01:44Yeah
01:44New game
01:46Charades
01:47I'll go first
01:49Is it the Epstein files?
01:50Yes
01:53And oh look
01:54I am not in there
01:58God, this area has changed so much
02:01Since they opened that gales
02:05Look it was really nice meeting you, but we're gonna go back inside
02:09Good idea
02:10Let's go inside
02:11No
02:12Not you you're making it weird
02:16I beg for one last chance
02:19I have no friends
02:21Since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison
02:28Fine, but this is legit your last chance diva
02:30Okay, okay, final game
02:32Two truths and lie
02:34I love my new friends
02:36Aww
02:37I like poor people
02:40Winfling
02:41Yeah
02:41And
02:43Live from London, it's Canada
02:53It's Saturday Night Live
02:58With
03:02Yeah
03:03Hamlet
03:03Anna Michelle
03:08Ayoade
03:09Bamoye
03:15Larry Dean
03:17Valley
03:27Lake
03:29George Boracan!
03:35Anya Magliano!
03:41Annabelle Marlow!
03:46Al Nash!
03:52Jutcher!
03:57Emma Slady!
04:04Hallie Young!
04:11Musical guest, Georgia Smith!
04:18And your host, Jack Whitehall!
04:30Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
04:48Hello! Good evening!
04:50Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm Jack Whitehall and I'm so excited to be your host tonight.
04:55And can I start by saying, what an amazing series it has already been!
05:00SNL UK!
05:01Brushing it!
05:03With some amazing hosts as well. Week one, they had SNL royalty. Week two, they had an international sex symbol.
05:11Week three, an Academy Award winner. And this week, you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
05:20Oh yeah! The stuff of dreams! SNL UK, I love that. Do you know what else I love? I love
05:26that finally, we've taken one of their shows. Right?
05:31Yeah, America's had enough of ours! Yeah, they had the office, the bake-off. They had that one, the reality
05:38show my fiance loves. The one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties. Love Island! Love
05:45Island!
05:48You weren't sure about that one? It's fine. You can edit it out. No, I...
05:54This is a big deal, this is a big deal hosting this. But do you know what? It's not even
05:57the biggest thing that's going on in my life right now, because next week I am genuinely getting married!
06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Yeah, I really shouldn't be here. I am the groom though, that's very much a
06:09ceremonial role, I just am there to nod everything through.
06:12It has been noted. The other day, my fiance turned to me, she went, Jack, in one of those meetings
06:16with the wedding planners, when they were talking to you, it was literally like they were talking to a wall.
06:21LAUGHTER I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:26It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band. We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills
06:33as the wedding DJ.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:36Not seeing that deposit again.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:39Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke, that is a word right now that makes my sphincter clench.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right, these ridiculous things.
06:51It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in quill by a blind Franciscan monk.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta, sealed with a gold ribbon
07:03and delivered to all of our guests by a peacock.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:06They asked me what I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they ask to bring a child.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16Nope.
07:16Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead. A calligrapher.
07:20How is that still even a thing?
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs.
07:27How has it not come for the calligraphers already?
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?
07:34LAUGHTER
07:35Oh, I'll tell you how! This schmuck here!
07:38LAUGHTER
07:38Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.
07:41You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful handwriting.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48We over-invited as well.
07:50The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said,
07:53Oh, Jack, you know, sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.
07:57You couldn't have mentioned that before?
08:00LAUGHTER
08:00Where was this attitude six months ago?
08:03I don't want to see any of these people!
08:05I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic!
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.
08:13Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.
08:16I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks narrowboating
08:20down the Straits of Hormuz.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding, literally,
08:32in that the whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37LAUGHTER
08:40We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan.
08:42That's very stressful, right?
08:44I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two guests coming,
08:47right, and they slept together, like, years ago,
08:50and now they do not talk.
08:52I know, awkward.
08:53I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee,
08:56but my fiancée is insisting that my mum and dad sit together.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04It's so nice to be.
09:05It's so nice to be here this evening as well, to have a little bit of a distraction.
09:09Thank you, because...
09:11CHEERING
09:13I'm going to let you into a little secret.
09:15Tonight is also the night that my fiancée is on her hen-do, so...
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20It's really nice to be here, yeah.
09:21I'm here with you, cracking gag.
09:22She is currently in Soho, getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:27Which also means that, technically, this is kind of my second stag.
09:31Oh, yeah!
09:32CHEERING
09:33We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.
09:35Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music
09:38from the amazing Georgia Smith!
09:41CHEERING
09:42CHEERING
09:43And then, 6.50 for Gary Thomas.
09:47One, two, one, two...
09:49Gary is still the highest-scoring striker ever to play for Albion,
09:53and he owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball,
09:57his old-school teacher, Ted Bagley.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01He probably won't recognise me, cos he won't believe it's me.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:06Hello, Gary.
10:08Long time no see.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12Mr Bagley?
10:13You're alive?
10:15I'm alive, he says.
10:17How are you doing?
10:19Someone said you was dead.
10:21I'm so glad...
10:22LAUGHTER
10:22..how well you've done for yourself.
10:25You're so supportive.
10:27You're kind of like Agnes...
10:28..kind of like your special guy.
10:31Hello, Gary.
10:34This is Todd.
10:37Someone said, hey, you said.
10:38Well, I'm not as sprightly as I used to be, but still going.
10:42Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks
10:46when Montshire Duran was helping the police with their enquiries.
10:49But we're all so proud of Gary.
10:51Oh!
10:57Hello.
10:58Gary, son.
11:01Dead?
11:02No, hold on.
11:02Look, definitely dead.
11:04He he he.
11:04Not yet, boy.
11:06What's all you learned into the grant?
11:08No, man, I was never in there.
11:11I left his mother, and we agreed it were better he thought I was dead.
11:17I'd only moved two streets over.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21Really?
11:24Hello, Gary.
11:26My God.
11:28It's the jugger I hit on that misty country lane.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33But I finished off with a brick before I fled the scene.
11:36They ended up sticking a metal plate in me bonce.
11:39I can't believe it.
11:41He he he.
11:42That freaky score against Watford.
11:45He he he.
11:48Oh, wrong, mate.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:55Dobby.
11:56Master Gary.
11:57I thought he was both dead as well.
12:00Aaaaaaah!
12:01Aaaaaah!
12:03I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.
12:07Aaaaaaah!
12:10You are Gary Thomas!
12:13You are Gary Thomas!
12:22All right, lads.
12:23You hear that?
12:24There's 50,000 people counting on us.
12:26Let's get fired up.
12:29Three points, boys.
12:30Are we gonna do it?
12:31We got this.
12:32Let's score goals and have them score no goals.
12:34Yes!
12:34Let's go!
12:35Hey, guys.
12:36Hey, guys.
12:37I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.
12:40Now, these are our lucky competition winners.
12:42Say hello to the boys.
12:44Hello.
12:45Yeah.
12:46All right.
12:46Now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd, I'll take you to mum and dad.
12:50Okay?
12:52Thanks, lads.
12:52You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.
12:55All right.
12:56All right, lads.
12:57Let's do this.
12:57Let's go!
12:59Hey, guys.
13:00Quick question before we go out.
13:01Yes, Jonesy.
13:02Does anyone want to swap kids?
13:13Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of your kids.
13:18I don't like my one.
13:19Oh.
13:22I mean, what's wrong with your one?
13:24Well, look.
13:25Something's off about it.
13:27No, man.
13:27They're just kids, man.
13:28Let's get out there and play.
13:29Yeah, but that's the thing, though.
13:31I feel like if I walk out there with this one, I'm going to play badly.
13:35That's ridiculous.
13:36Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?
13:37Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?
13:39No one's swapping kids.
13:42That's easy for you to say.
13:43You got a good one.
13:44Leave it.
13:45This is the Derby.
13:47No distraction.
13:48Yeah, man.
13:48No distraction.
13:49This is so unfair.
13:51Last week when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't say anything.
13:55And then I played really badly.
13:56So this time, I'm speaking up.
13:58Oh.
13:59Oh, for God's sake.
14:00Oh, for God's sake.
14:01Maybe we should just swap out of kids.
14:02Are you serious?
14:05Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there.
14:08Fine.
14:08But just so you know, this is ridiculous.
14:10Sorry, mate.
14:10Can't you.
14:11There you go.
14:15There.
14:15Happy?
14:17I really appreciate it.
14:19Okay.
14:19Ready, lads?
14:20We're ready.
14:20Let's go.
14:21Actually, no.
14:22What?
14:23This one's worse.
14:25Are you serious right now?
14:26Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
14:28Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.
14:32Couldn't tell from far away.
14:34Alright, well, I'm not swapping back if that's what you're asking.
14:36Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.
14:38You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker and got away with it.
14:41Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
14:43Uh, hang on, bro.
14:44Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?
14:47Hey, that's not on.
14:48Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
14:50Alright, so what have I did?
14:51I'm a captain.
14:52I stand at the front.
14:52I should get one of the best kids.
14:56Guys, guys.
14:57This is getting toxic.
14:58We need a random reshuffle of the kids.
15:00And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best one I've had all season.
15:04What are you talking about?
15:05You always get the good ones.
15:06I always get the bad kids.
15:07That's not true.
15:09Guys, guys.
15:10We had a good system when I was at Burnley.
15:12We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.
15:15But, if you got Man of the Match the week before, and you weren't happy with your first kids, you
15:20were allowed for one to redraw.
15:22Yeah, alright.
15:22It sounds alright.
15:24Guys, guys, guys, listen to yourselves.
15:27Alright, this might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?
15:30They might have a favourite player.
15:31Could really make their day.
15:32Shut up!
15:33Are you stupid?
15:34I vote for the Burnley system.
15:35Right, Burnley system it is.
15:38I'll get a hat.
15:39Start the game without me!
15:40Alright.
16:16Hello, and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.
16:20I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.
16:25Let's welcome our first contender.
16:36Your name?
16:37Ben Michael.
16:38Your occupation?
16:40Something in IT.
16:42And your specialist subject?
16:45Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection to.
16:50That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything about everyone.
16:56In two minutes, your time starts now.
16:59Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?
17:03Peggy and Len.
17:06Yes.
17:06Why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?
17:09She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.
17:14Yes.
17:15Whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving instructor think they
17:18saw?
17:19Nick Knowles.
17:22Yes.
17:22And for a bonus point, what was he eating?
17:24Chicken from his jacket pocket.
17:27Yes.
17:27In 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what white liquid?
17:32Out-of-date sun cream?
17:34No.
17:35No, no, no.
17:36Mayonnaise.
17:38Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?
17:41Because his gout flare-up means he currently can't wear shoes.
17:44Yes.
17:45What's this?
17:47I know this.
17:48What is that?
17:49That is Lin's post-op scar?
17:51No.
17:51Joe from Number 17's brand new patio.
17:55I knew that.
17:56Who died last week?
17:58Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.
18:03Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?
18:05Oh, mum did tell me that.
18:06Er, sorry, pass.
18:09What noise has Miriam Martin's air fryer started making?
18:15Erm...
18:15Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
18:17No, it's...
18:23On Tuesday, what piece of information did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?
18:27That Pat has a new gate.
18:28Yes.
18:33Why is Raul, the tree surgeon, divorcing his wife?
18:35Because she cheated on him.
18:37I need you to be more specific.
18:39With a very tall woman.
18:42I'll accept that.
18:45In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?
18:48Er, Las Iguanas?
18:50No, Turtle Bay.
18:52Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?
18:54Er, Angela from Next Door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's sister's friend Gary Fulcher.
18:59Hey!
19:00That's me!
19:03Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish, who has a rare glandular condition
19:09that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.
19:13Angie from the co-op.
19:15Yes, Ben, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass.
19:18The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.
19:22Sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.
19:26That's why you must always listen to mummy.
19:32Our next contender, please.
19:42Your name?
19:43Polly Holton.
19:44Your occupation?
19:45Er, something else in IT.
19:47And your specialist subject?
19:49Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.
20:01Dad, I go into art school.
20:04What's that got to do with World War II?
20:07Struggling to connect with your dad?
20:09You're not alone.
20:10Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect with.
20:15They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.
20:18But if you ever wondered it, maybe you've just got the wrong one.
20:23Introducing Dadswap.
20:25Dadswap.
20:26Using an advanced algorithm, Dadswap takes your hobbies and passions and matches you...
20:32...with a brand new dad.
20:35Bonjour! New son!
20:40...while rehoming your dad with someone more his speed.
20:45My dad didn't know how to raise a girl.
20:47But Steve does.
20:48Don't you, Steve?
20:50I'm a girl dad now.
20:52I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was Vossa Nova.
20:57Thanks to Dadswap, I found the punk daddy just for me.
21:05My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.
21:08But now, thanks to Dadswap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.
21:17One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings for your new dad.
21:24We both love to paint.
21:26We've got so much to talk about.
21:28And now, we're engaged!
21:33I mean, they're both adults.
21:35They're not related, so technically it is allowed.
21:39It's not just gay dads. I'm also dating my new dad.
21:44It's not illegal.
21:45I know! I said, it's technically allowed.
21:49But I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.
21:55I do understand how this has happened, obviously.
21:59A man has just moved into your house.
22:01You're both emotionally vulnerable. He's got all the same hobbies as you.
22:04He's just left his wife. You're spending more and more time together.
22:09I've invested so much money in this app.
22:13I've absolutely f***ed it.
22:17I downloaded Dadswap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.
22:21That's not a dad. That's a boyfriend.
22:24There's other apps for doing that.
22:26This one is for swapping dads.
22:30Dadswap. If it happens, it happens.
22:33It's not illegal.
22:34I know!
22:47Here we are on the 18th hole.
22:50You could cut the tension with a knife.
22:52We're not whispering. This is just as loud as our voices can go.
22:57You're joining us at the Masters.
22:58We're at the end of a marathon playoff between Ian Conner and Sven Nielsen.
23:03And Ian Conner is just one putt away from his first Masters title.
23:07Here goes.
23:14And he's finally done it. Look how much it means to him.
23:18Amazing.
23:20And here comes his wife.
23:22Oh, look at the emotion.
23:25Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.
23:28Beautiful scenes.
23:29Here comes his trusty caddy, Bruce Atkins.
23:32They've been together for years.
23:34It's lovely.
23:35And, oh, looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.
23:39Fantastic scenes.
23:41Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent.
23:42He fought so valiantly today a true competitor.
23:44Big handshake there. What a gentleman.
23:46Oh, yeah, a consolatory kiss for him too.
23:49What sportsmanship.
23:50Amazing scenes. And here comes Sven's wife.
23:53Oh, yeah, it looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.
23:56And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green.
24:00And she's, what, yeah, she's sharing a little kiss with her husband's opponent.
24:04But will the wives go in for a kiss too? Yeah.
24:06Oh, oh, they will. Yes.
24:09And now they're, oh, yeah, they're all sharing little kisses with each other.
24:12This is what golf is all about.
24:15The atmosphere here is electric.
24:17Oh, what's happening now is that, yeah, it looks like they're all swapping keys.
24:23Wow.
24:24That's a big step for any polycule.
24:26Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.
24:29Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.
24:32And, oh, yeah, it looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony,
24:36promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.
24:40What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.
24:44I couldn't have said it better myself.
24:46Oh, and what's happening now?
24:49I think that, yeah, they have.
24:51They've ordered a super king-size mattress that they can all sleep on together.
24:55That's the biggest mattress size you can get. Amazing scenes.
24:58Yeah, and you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement, boy-girl, boy-girl.
25:02Absolutely.
25:03They're watching Masters at work.
25:05Then they're signing for the package.
25:07Oh, yeah, now he's giving a little kiss.
25:11Oh, here come the wives.
25:13They're showing a little kiss with a delivery driver too.
25:17Oh, but whoa, it looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.
25:22Unprecedented scenes and, oh, it looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian
25:27that he's being replaced in the polycule by the delivery guy.
25:33Golf can be such a cruel sport.
25:37It truly can.
25:39It truly, truly can.
25:41And, oh, what's this?
25:43It looks like Ian's taking his phone out.
25:45I think he's, yep, he's getting back on the apps.
25:48Yeah, he's looking for some rebound sex.
25:51And can you blame him after the day he's had?
25:53First he bogeyed the fifth hole.
25:55Then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.
25:58Oh, what's this?
26:00Looks like he's found a match.
26:01You're right. Is that?
26:02It is. It's Bruce Atkins.
26:04His old caddy.
26:06Amazing.
26:07Those two have so much to do together.
26:09But finally they can consummate their unspoken love.
26:15What a date.
26:19What a day of golf we have witnessed.
26:21It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life
26:24can be right underneath your nose.
26:27Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years,
26:29but you can't bring yourself to say anything for fear of rejection.
26:33Well, I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated,
26:36and the other person is just waiting for the first person to make a move.
26:52Well, that's it for the golf today.
26:54Join us next week for the LIV tournament in Saudi Arabia, where we won't be invited.
26:58Good night.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.
27:29I didn't hope that you'll be here tonight.
27:34I saw you again, think this was still mine
27:43Nothing was said, it was all in your eyes
27:48And I get close even for just one time
27:58These little things that get me high
28:02Won't you come with me and spend the night
28:05Just a little bit for you and I
28:09It's meant to be the night's alright
28:12These little things that get me high
28:16Won't you come with me and spend the night
28:20Just a little bit for you and I
28:23It's meant to be the night's alright
28:27With you in such a sweet escape
28:30So if we leave we'll let anybody know too
28:35If you don't wanna play these games
28:37Just tell me what you need and we can go there
28:41Only here for the weekend
28:43I just set up with my friends
28:45Don't tell me that you're leaving
28:48Think I came at the right time
28:50Do you know what's on my mind
28:52Can you stay for the evening?
28:55It's a little things that get me high
28:59Won't you come with me and spend the night
29:02Just a little bit for you and I
29:06And if it's meant to be the night's alright
29:09It's a little things that get me high
29:13Won't you come with me and spend the night
29:16Just a little bit for you and I
29:20And if it's meant to be the night's alright
29:24It's a little things that get me high and keep me going
29:27Just a little bit of you and I
29:29Nobody knows it
29:31Just a little thing for you and I
29:34Just a little bit of you and I
29:36Nobody knows it
29:38It's a little things that get me high and keep me going
29:41Just a little bit of you and I
29:44Nobody knows it
29:45Just a little thing for you and I
29:48Just a little bit of you and I
29:51What time is it when the party starts?
30:26What time is it when the party starts?
31:07What time is it when the party starts?
31:21Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
31:25And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:29Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week,
31:34just in time for the evening do of the Iran war.
31:37Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube,
31:42was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters.
31:45And after spending three days with Keir Starmer,
31:47they might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.
31:55Due to security constraints,
31:58Starmer was only able to travel with a small number of journalists,
32:01or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase full.
32:06In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes,
32:12which is a useful reminder to put your phone away
32:15and just enjoy missile strikes in the moment.
32:20Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein,
32:23Peter Mandelson, seen here connecting his cock to Bluetooth,
32:27is being fined £300 for urinating in public.
32:32I feel sorry for Mandelson.
32:34We've all been there.
32:35Not there. Jesus.
32:37I'm there eating a wee.
32:39This morning, the Artemis 2 mission returned to Earth.
32:43Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote,
32:54President Donald Trump managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week
33:02while they were on the other side of the moon.
33:04So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.
33:09Artemis 2 splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean.
33:12It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community
33:15and the darkest day in our history by the pod of dolphins it smashed into.
33:23Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches
33:26after, quote, showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.
33:31Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.
33:36The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive,
33:40we have the winner of the race with us in the studio.
33:43It's Paul Townend.
33:48Hello, everyone. Good evening.
33:51Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win.
33:53What was it like out there?
33:55Well, to be fair, tough race for me.
33:57First couple of fences I find tricky,
34:00but after a few furlongs, I pushed through and took the trophy.
34:09Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt?
34:11Hi.
34:12Can we help you?
34:14No, it's weird.
34:15I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the Grand National.
34:18And then I turn up,
34:19and you're chatting to this free-riding prick.
34:22Sorry, who are you?
34:24My name's I am Maximus, right?
34:26The horse that actually won the Grand National.
34:28No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.
34:31The absolute cheek of this guy.
34:33What exactly did you contribute?
34:35I'm 6% body fat.
34:36I can run at 35 miles an hour.
34:38I got a dick like a Pringles tube, by the way.
34:41So, what was your skill set again?
34:42Oh, yes, being 4'9".
34:44How dare you!
34:45How dare you!
34:46Guys, take that, guys.
34:48Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.
34:53Well, I worked hard, too.
34:55It's grueling.
34:56I sprained my elbow.
34:59Oh, yeah.
35:00You sprained your elbow, and what happened?
35:01They'd cover you up in a white tent and shoot you?
35:03Yeah, I thought not.
35:05That's standard practice.
35:07Standard practice?
35:07You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?
35:10You don't know what it's like out there, man.
35:13Brutal heat, scary jumps.
35:15Not to mention, you're with me.
35:16I told you.
35:18I wasn't into that.
35:18I made my boundaries very clear.
35:21Nay means nay.
35:26Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.
35:29I didn't know you felt that way.
35:31Is there anything I can do?
35:34Let me ride you.
35:37What?
35:38Let me ride you.
35:42Here.
35:44Live on Sky TV.
35:46And stream the next day on Peacock.
35:49Yeah.
35:50Let me know the thrill of commanding another.
35:53Okay, just this once.
35:55Get on.
35:56Oh, that's it.
35:59How's it feel?
36:01Good, yeah.
36:03Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?
36:05We ride!
36:05The incredible national winners, everyone.
36:15Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85.
36:20That and having been in a band called The Beatles.
36:25New research from Oxford University has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat that is otherwise invisible
36:33to the human eye.
36:35Who do you think you are?
36:36Who do you think you are?
36:36Who do you think you are?
37:04Palantir.
37:05Palantir.
37:06Driving productivity across the UK through AI-powered software.
37:12Steve?
37:18Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough, has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.
37:28Well done, Steve. Here's your medication.
37:33What time is it? It's prison time!
37:38That's right! X-Factors Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.
37:43After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote, but will he impress the judges?
37:51In a new effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban the night-time use of automatic
37:59lawnmowers, or as German hedgehogs call them, Nachtkunst.
38:04The Welsh town of Ebu Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to the annoyance of its mayor.
38:11These labels don't help us. They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he said fatly.
38:18Italian researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin, the linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have
38:25been buried.
38:25Their findings reveal traces of DNA, including those of cats and carrots, feline companions and root vegetables.
38:34So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.
38:38A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation.
38:42Well, yeah, that's how boats work.
38:47Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in Banbury.
38:53The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.
38:58Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.
39:05On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off their $1 billion world tour on the back of their hit single,
39:12Swim.
39:12But my question is...
39:15Namjoon-i, kap-jagi jini-age, in-say-un-muchur-um-urren-go-ya-myon.
39:20Water slide muso-oh-hannen, hosok-i-gak-jong-se-k-halk-ha?
39:24Ami-myon, jimin-i-ga-gur-um-usok-hi-ru, u-chuchu-an-na-jum-yo-dal-juri-yona?
39:31Don't ask me.
39:32I'm not really into K-pop.
39:42A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.
39:47Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondents, Annabelle Marlowe and Jackson!
39:56Hi, Paddy.
39:57Hi.
39:58What the hell is going on with Gen Z?
40:00It's simple.
40:01Every Friday night, Gen Z like to...
40:05Huff a little beer and show a little nip.
40:10And that's Gen Z.
40:13Let's break it down for him.
40:14On Friday, we...
40:16Go to high parking leads, split the G and practice our bird noises.
40:20Shungo!
40:21Ow! Ow! Ow!
40:24Gen Z love making sound effects.
40:27Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.
40:30Show him, girl!
40:41And Annabelle does a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo.
40:53Why did Gen Z like sound effects?
40:55Because we're expressing our gender, of course.
40:57Gen Z loves gender.
40:59I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire Weekend fan.
41:05And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.
41:10So sorry, instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?
41:15Well...
41:15They're going to the black and white pictures, roll out the cup and have a little cigarette.
41:22And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights.
41:26And wrongs.
41:27I'll tell you what's gay wrong, these titties.
41:31This sounds like maybe it's just you two.
41:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
41:36I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this Gen Z love to
41:40Huff a little glue, show a little nip and call in a bomb threat
41:48I still don't get what Gen Z like. I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch
41:54We love the music of Steely Dan, Catra in the Rye, and the work of character actor Bob Hoskins
42:00Oh, the Long Good Friday, now that was a key. Eh, eh, eh. We love making that noise too. Keep
42:07it up, guys.
42:08I think I get it now. Gen Z like to half-glue, show nip, bomb threat. Jack Sheppard and the
42:14Balmolo, everyone!
42:19Oh, Weekend Monday, I'm Paddy O!
42:25And I love you, Paddy O, goodnight!
42:30Oh, Weekend Monday.
42:33Oh, Weekend Monday.
42:39Oh, Weekend International.
42:47And we love you, Paddy O'kind.
42:48Only time.
42:48That was a great day.
42:48Thank you, Paddy O' 친藤.
42:49We love you.
42:55We love you.
42:58The Crusade Fall.
42:58Thank you, the worth of great culture that we do.
42:58All right.
42:58Oh, the large, we'll� 저희가 even try, to oleh the people who regret 06883-1900.
43:00Darling, that was the most perfect evening.
43:04And now the kids are asleep, it's about to get even better.
43:07Happy anniversary, Wendy.
43:09Happy anniversary, my love.
43:12Well, well, well.
43:15If Wendy Darling hasn't found herself another lost boy.
43:20Oh, my God, Peter, is that you?
43:22Surprise!
43:24Did you miss me?
43:25Clearly not, because you've never bloody called.
43:29Who's this pirate?
43:32Captain, can't grow a beard.
43:34He's not a pirate, Peter, he's my husband.
43:37Oh, wow.
43:38What does husband do?
43:40Professional loser?
43:43I'm a neurosurgeon.
43:45Great, neurosurgeon.
43:47Tell me this, mate.
43:48Can you fly?
43:50Hmm, no.
43:51Didn't think so.
43:53Hold my beer.
43:55To the skies!
44:01That's a stupid place to have put that.
44:04Wendy, what is this?
44:06I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood.
44:08Hey!
44:09Relax, Chief.
44:10I'm just an old flame.
44:12Wendy and I used to go all the way to moaning back in the day, if you know what I
44:16mean.
44:18Sex.
44:19Yes, we got that.
44:20What are you doing here, Peter?
44:22Well, I just popped by, didn't I?
44:24To let you know that I am crushing it.
44:27Yeah, and what exactly are you crushing?
44:29Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.
44:33Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover and come with me.
44:39Let us fly!
44:40Oh, no.
44:43Oh, oh!
44:44Oh, God.
44:45Okay.
44:46Don't worry, I'll pay for that.
44:49Peter, you've really got to go.
44:51It's been 40 years.
44:51I'm married.
44:52I've got children.
44:53Yeah, I know, that's great, because I've got a girlfriend too, so...
44:58Do you?
44:58No.
45:03Oh, God, you're really not doing well.
45:06No, I'm not.
45:08Neverland sucks now.
45:10The Lost Boys got found.
45:13Smee got long COVID.
45:17Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans.
45:20Oh, oh, Peter.
45:22Whoa, oh, my God, what are you doing?
45:24Sorry, my bad, that one's on me, I misjudged that.
45:27You need to leave now.
45:28Okay, fine, yes, I'm leaving.
45:30I've got things to do anyway, because as I said, crushing it.
45:35Sure you don't want to come with me?
45:37Nope, that's fine, didn't want you anyway.
45:39Airborne!
45:40Oh, jeez.
45:41Oh, no, thank you.
45:42Oh, come on!
45:44Thank you, thank you.
45:46Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
45:50Maybe I'll just take the stairs.
45:55Love you.
45:58Oh, God, I'm so sorry about him.
46:01Listen, those days are in the past.
46:03There's no one I'd rather be with than you.
46:05Don't worry about it.
46:06We've all got weird exes.
46:08Happy anniversary, Wendy.
46:10Happy anniversary, love.
46:11Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?
46:14Of course not.
46:16Now, where were we?
46:17Hmm, where were we?
46:20Just checking.
46:22Room for a little one?
46:24Oh, go on.
46:26Let's fly!
46:28Woo!
46:30Woo!
46:33Welcome back to Cooling Down the Hill with Helen Birch.
46:37I'm Helen Birch.
46:43Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no
46:49means a fan of the renaming of this program.
46:52It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view the program needn't have been retitled
46:59to reflect that fact.
47:00So, I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its original title for the first
47:0714 series.
47:08That's Helen Birches, Birches of St. Helens.
47:12Now, on with the program.
47:22We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly into Haddock Village proper, which is just
47:29beyond the brow of this hill.
47:30And here's a lovely birch I found.
47:34Oh, no.
47:34Wait.
47:35Wait.
47:36Wait.
47:36No!
47:38Oh!
47:39Oh!
47:41Oh!
47:43Oh!
47:45Oh!
47:45Oh!
47:47Oh!
47:47Oh!
47:47Oh!
47:48Oh!
47:49Oh!
47:50Oh!
47:50Oh!
47:52Oh!
48:00Once again, Georgia Smith.
48:16I'm not afraid to die today
48:20I could have chose somebody else to love
48:28Give me the gun, I'll take the blame
48:32And cover up your darker shade of blood
48:40I'll feel the rain
48:42And turn the pain into coal
48:49And that's just the price of it all
49:02That's just the price of it all
49:15If it's an only walk
49:18Through the rise and fall
49:21I know I can pretend
49:24That this will never end
49:27If in the end we die
49:30Then our hearts won't pass us
49:33The price of it all
49:40It's safe to say that I've ignored the warnings
49:47You'll treacherous, impetuous, you'll close us
49:51I'll take your hand and close my eyes
49:56A parody of paradise in love
50:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
50:05I afford the rain
50:06And turn this pain into coal
50:13And that's just the price of it all
50:26That's just the price of it all
50:39That's just the price of it all
50:41I'm losing what I've found
50:45There's heaven in my heart
50:48The damage in my head
50:51It's giving you my hope
50:54It's hard, darling
50:56That's just the price of it all
51:36Oh, darling
51:37How I wish we didn't live in the 1930s
51:40So that I could be lesbian and you could be a gay
51:44Thank goodness we married one another
51:46This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret
51:51While still falling in with polite society
51:54I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother
51:56Perhaps she might suspect us
51:58No, you mustn't fret, Judith
52:00She'll be none the wiser
52:01Providing we remain subtle and discreet
52:05Well, soil my knickers
52:07For heaven
52:09Henry
52:12Robert, you big Nancy
52:13Excuse my appearance
52:15I slept in a graveyard
52:18Mind if I sit
52:19My shoes are filled with blood
52:23Robert, who might this curious character be?
52:26Oh, Judith
52:27This is Henry
52:28My cousin
52:31Cousin?
52:32Do that with your cousin, do you?
52:361930s cocaine
52:371930s cocaine?
52:41Robert and I met last year at the glass slipper
52:43One minute we're doing the quick step
52:45Next thing you know we're stepping quickly
52:47Into each other's holes
52:50Hey, please
52:51I told you about my wife
52:53Judith
52:54Oh, please
52:55I can spot a lesbo from a mile away
52:57Blood the dress, pal
53:00Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz
53:04By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine
53:11Robert, he's going to give us away
53:13Your mother will have you arrested
53:15He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down
53:18Oh, cake!
53:19Oh, fine
53:21I won't have a thing for dinner, though
53:24I pray he doesn't make a scene
53:28Henry, please
53:30If you put the cake down, they'll cut you a slice
53:36He's not even sleeping on anything
53:44I'll just eat this cake behind this door
53:49Robert, well, look lively
53:50Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?
53:53Oh, mother, yes, sorry
53:55This is Judith, my wife
53:56Who my intercourse
53:59Ah, yes
54:01The mysterious Judith
54:03Rather a plain thing, isn't she?
54:06Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey
54:08But still
54:11Good solid hips
54:13Oh, thank you, Mrs Fenwick
54:15I suppose I could approve
54:19Oh, mother, really?
54:21That's simply
54:21Did anyone see the thing with the cake?
54:23Oh, please
54:25Robert, do you know this man?
54:27Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life
54:30Just ignore him, Mrs Fenwick
54:32Young lady, when I desire your opinion
54:34I'll be sure to give your head a good firm slap
54:36Until one comes tumbling out your ears
54:38Okay, I'm laughing
54:39I don't do jokes
54:41Well, darling, it seems your son does
54:43Hey, now I like you
54:45We're bonding, we're hugely bonding
54:47Henry, please
54:48I'm trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother
54:51And it was all going rather well until you minced in here
54:54So would you please kindly piss off?
54:56Robert
54:58This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met
55:03You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him
55:05But what about my tiny wife?
55:08Yes
55:09What about Judith?
55:12Ruth Ethel
55:13How's Tricks, doll?
55:18Um, Ethel is my cousin
55:21Do that with your cousin, do you?
55:23Blah, blah, blah, blah
55:24Give me a call when you lose the fruit
55:30He is
55:31He is a fruit
55:32Listen, have you gals ever tried
55:351930s cocaine?
55:36No
55:38Well, that went better than expected
55:55Yes
55:58My biggest thanks, ladies and gentlemen
56:00To Georgia Smith
56:01And a huge thank you to this incredible cast
56:04All the amazing writers
56:06And everyone that is working on this incredible show
56:09Thank you so much
56:10It's been such a treat to host me this week
56:13Tune in for the next episode of SNL UK
56:16On the 25th of April
56:17Thank you very much
56:18Good night
56:19Thank you very much
56:58Thank you very much
57:34Thank you very much
Comments