- 2 days ago
Urzila S01E01
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00:13I'm not Christian. I'm not an ordained priest or anything. I was just being polite. I'm the
00:20one that's not all over me because you don't know how to cover your head hole. Not a Christian.
00:27No, you're a Christian. Well, at least now you know I'm not a Christian either.
00:47Oh, hello. How are you?
00:55You're a good looking crowd. Welcome to Ursula. This may come as no big surprise, but I get a bit
01:05worked out when people say unnecessary shit to me. I don't know if you're the same. Like anything can tip
01:11me over the edge.
01:11Like, you know, when you go to play with your card and when you go to tap, there's always some
01:1612-year-old with milk around the mouth that goes, um, it's not there.
01:20You've got to tap on the side. You go, shut the fuck up.
01:23I would have figured it out. The machine is this big. I'll tap you on the forehead a couple of
01:30times. How about that? How about that? You like that?
01:34But then I also, I'm the first one to put my hand up and say, yeah, I do suffer from
01:38early onset, Karen.
01:41Do you ever watch those videos and go, I don't see a problem here?
01:46We have to go check the comments to see what this poor bitch did wrong. Honestly, I am with those
01:52women. I am with those women 100% till they get to the homophobia and the racism.
01:57And I'm like, okay, I'm out. You're on your own, you weirdo. Cool haircut though.
02:07You've got your father's ears. Okay, I've got your test results. Please sit down. No, I'm good. I prefer standing.
02:15These are pretty serious results. Come on, honey, sit down. No, and you cannot force me. It's against my will
02:21and goes against the Geneva Convention. I know my rights.
02:24Okay, suit yourself. Firstly, how are the symptoms? Excuse me, none of your business. It's a privacy issue.
02:33As you can see, she's gotten worse. Lots of anger, public outbursts. We've been arguing with a lot of waiters
02:41lately.
02:41I know. I've seen the videos online. It's just menopause. Move on.
02:45I'm afraid it's much more serious than menopause. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've contracted early onset, Karen.
02:52No. Oh, no. How is this possible?
02:56I'm afraid the results are conclusive. Well, I tell you what. I want to talk to your supervisor.
03:01How long do we have? Not long, I'm afraid. As you can see, their virus has already spread
03:06throughout Ursula's internal organs. That's a mess.
03:10Well, this is all fine and dandy, but I don't recognise you as an authority to diagnose me.
03:19Look, we did your ancestry, and it turns out you come from a very long line of Karens. Look.
03:27What is this? Why are these women all so beautiful, but all so crazy?
03:36No. Is this me? Is this my future? What happened to them? What will happen to me?
03:45They're so beautiful, robust, but beautiful.
03:49I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't
03:59know.
04:07Should I be wearing a mask or something?
04:09You should be fine. We haven't seen the disease mutate, which is lucky because currently there's no cure.
04:15You have to do something. Yeah. Give me something right now.
04:18Okay. Take this number.
04:20Is this for a specialist?
04:22No. That's for the local council. He'll be calling them a lot to complain about the garbage ban.
04:27Even better. Thanks.
04:32You know, who knows? Maybe I can fight this, you know? I don't feel so bad, you know?
04:38Don't worry. We'll get you through this.
04:41Oh, nice, Ollie.
04:43Thanks, lady.
04:44Aw, sweetie.
04:46Well done, you.
04:52Oi!
04:53Can't you hurry?
04:54It says no skateboarding.
04:57There are children in play in this area.
04:59Somebody could get hurt.
05:00Oh, my God.
05:04Sorry.
05:06She's, she's on a period.
05:08No, not.
05:09Oh, I should have punched him in the head.
05:12It's not too late.
05:3110 grand.
05:34Oh, no, donkedex.
05:36I need a mainstream tv idea that families can watch together
05:41and that advertisers will love,
05:44but more importantly,
05:45will keep the cashola in my pocket
05:47and you pack a horse off the stripper pole.
05:51So hit me with your ideas.
05:52What have you got?
05:54I've got one.
05:57The Skin I Was Born In,
05:59a heartfelt and honest documentary
06:03about body image and beauty standards
06:05in today's society.
06:07We follow these brave souls
06:09on their journey towards acceptance.
06:12Wow, a show about fat people.
06:14I love it.
06:17Well, it's more a show about body image.
06:20Fat Fuck Island.
06:22Oh, I love it, boss.
06:24Talk us through the idea.
06:25Okay, so fat people on an island
06:28and potentially they fuck.
06:30Oh, that's genius.
06:32They would.
06:33They would do that.
06:35They'll try.
06:36There's a lot of gut.
06:37Could be part of their contract.
06:38Yeah.
06:39Must fuck.
06:40Yeah, I mean, I...
06:42They're taking me out in the country.
06:44Fat Farmer wants a fat wife.
06:47Oh, my God.
06:47That's great.
06:49I think that's straying quite far from my...
06:51Wait, wait, wait.
06:52I've got more.
06:53She's cooking now.
06:54Not done.
06:54Married at Fat Sight.
06:55You don't know who's coming.
06:57You can hear him.
07:00Fat Ninja Warrior.
07:02Oh, my God.
07:03Try and hold on to a rope.
07:04Am I right?
07:05Oh.
07:05The Fat Singer.
07:06Who is it?
07:08They all sing opera.
07:10Okay.
07:10RuPaul's Fat Race.
07:11The great British fat-off.
07:13Cubby people rolling around.
07:15Fat guy for a queer guy.
07:16Dumpy, kind of dumpy.
07:17Yes.
07:18Like, just...
07:19See, I think we've gone a little bit...
07:22I've got it.
07:24Fatty, fatty fight club.
07:26Okay.
07:27Hear me out.
07:28We put a whole bunch of fatties together.
07:30All the weight that they lose go into a tank, okay?
07:32And then once a week, we get two of these jumbos to fight each other.
07:36And then the winner gets to eat cake, of course.
07:39And the loser goes into the fat tank.
07:42Fat tank Friday.
07:44Yes!
07:44It burns itself.
07:46I love it.
07:47I love it.
07:47It's good.
07:48Trish.
07:48Honestly, Trish, this was remarkable.
07:51Trish.
07:51Well done.
07:52Great idea.
07:52Yeah, well done.
07:52This isn't my idea.
07:53That's your idea.
07:55This is your idea.
07:56I just punched it up.
07:56Yeah.
07:57A little bit.
07:57It's not orange.
07:58It's not orange.
07:59It's talking about a wholesome documentary to do with body image.
08:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:02Yeah, and this has all of that.
08:03Plus it has fighting and a fat tank.
08:07That's right.
08:07You should be proud of yourself.
08:08Take this moment, okay?
08:10Do you have any other amazing ideas, Trish?
08:13What about at the end if there's a ball pit filled with pudding
08:20and they have to eat their way out?
08:26Because they're fat.
08:29I'm so sorry that you had to hear that.
08:31I shouldn't have said that, Trish.
08:33It's too much.
08:34It's too much, Trish.
08:36I mean, she said way worse than...
08:38It's because I can.
08:40Because you're fat?
08:42Trish, what the...
08:44Because it is my lived experience.
08:46I have that bra extension.
08:48You don't see me pitching ideas on your tour, Ma, do you?
08:51I'm not out here going,
08:53hey, guys, how about we make a TV show
08:55about an ugly, skinny, hairy bitch?
09:02Yeah, Trish.
09:03There might be something in that, boss.
09:04I think that idea has legs.
09:06Yes!
09:07Ugly, skinny, hairy legs.
09:09Write it down.
09:10Yes, yes, yes.
09:10Yes.
09:11Trish's legs.
09:13Airy.
09:13And barren.
09:14Bitch.
09:15Barren.
09:19I guess don't mess with me in a meeting,
09:22is all I'm saying.
09:23That one.
09:25Can we just step to a more serious side?
09:27I do want to talk to you about your health,
09:31specifically mammograms, all right?
09:33Now, ladies, we got them titties.
09:37And, you know, you have to, mate.
09:41Like, I'm not judging them.
09:42That's not why we're here.
09:43I'm not going to get you to flop them out
09:44unless you're completely comfortable with that.
09:47No?
09:48Okay, just checking.
09:49It's worth checking.
09:50It's worth checking.
09:51Just run that past you, all right?
09:53No, men, I don't know if you know this,
09:55but men can get breast cancer too.
09:57This isn't a joke.
09:58Like, it's true.
09:59Men can get breast cancer.
10:00A lot of men don't know that.
10:01So, boys, tomorrow morning when you're in the shower,
10:04just for a split second,
10:05we take your hand off your dick
10:06and just feel...
10:08Just feel that everything's all right there, okay?
10:13And you know what?
10:14While you're going to the doctor for a mammogram,
10:16why don't you get yourself a little smear?
10:18And I know that is not high on the popularity scale
10:22of things to do at the doctors.
10:23You know, you go in and they always go,
10:25take your clothes off and put the robe on.
10:27I'll just wait outside for you.
10:29I'm like, no, stay.
10:32Why would you go out?
10:34Just stay here.
10:35Plus, I don't take my clothes off anymore.
10:38I go, no, you're all right.
10:39I'll just pull my knickers to the side for you.
10:43I go, chuck it in.
10:44Trust me.
10:45It'll fit.
10:47If your doctor's not comfortable with that,
10:49then respect them.
10:50Say, hey, don't worry about it.
10:52I'll lower myself down on it.
11:00All righty, let's take a good look down there,
11:02see what's going on.
11:03You feeling okay?
11:04No, I feel like you're about to shuck my oyster.
11:06Right, well, you might feel some pressure.
11:08You just scream out if it feels too uncomfortable at any point.
11:10Okay.
11:11Okay.
11:12Well, in we go.
11:14Oh.
11:17What?
11:18What's wrong?
11:20That's interesting.
11:22What's interesting?
11:25Huh.
11:27You have, in my personal and professional experience,
11:31the smallest vagina I've ever seen.
11:34Is it?
11:35Tiny.
11:36Oh, my gosh.
11:37And quite frankly, petite.
11:38That's amazing.
11:39I don't think I was going to hear that today.
11:41Can I get a second opinion on this?
11:42I'd love it.
11:43This is going to make Mark's day.
11:45Hey, Mark.
11:46It's one of the boxes of the best I ever.
11:51The whole gang's here.
11:52I should have sold tickets to this show.
11:55It's extraordinary.
11:57I know.
11:57I've never seen anything like it.
11:58It's quite remarkable.
12:00Oh.
12:01What do you think?
12:03That is officially the smallest pussy on record.
12:06Oh, my God.
12:07Well done.
12:09Mine's huge.
12:10Yeah, no, it is.
12:10Massive.
12:11I can hear it.
12:12It sounds like the ocean.
12:13Emergency, excuse me.
12:15I've got London on the line.
12:17Hi, London.
12:18Good Lord.
12:20Thank you, London.
12:21Tell Big Ben it's a no.
12:26Oh, fisherman, what do you think?
12:28It's so small.
12:30I kiss it, throw it back.
12:32Has anyone actually measured it?
12:34It's a flawless melee.
12:36D-colour, I have clarity, but with a brilliance and sparkle beyond its weight.
12:40Wow.
12:41What do you think, designer of toys with many small moving parts?
12:45It's basically a choking hazard.
12:47Oh, you've got to keep Pinocchio out of there.
12:50That boy tells one lie.
12:53This is honestly the best day of my entire life.
12:56Right.
12:57Well, now let's check the anus.
12:59Oh.
13:00We don't need to do that.
13:02Oh, my God.
13:03Oh, my God.
13:05Guys, it only looks big because my vagina is so small.
13:14I like your hair like this.
13:16Thank you, bubby.
13:17It's gorgeous work.
13:18Okay, lovebirds.
13:20Welcome to your wedding cake tasting.
13:24Bon appetit.
13:25Oh, my gosh.
13:25I've been waiting for this day for longer than the actual wedding date.
13:30Gosh.
13:30You know cake is my everything.
13:32Should we?
13:33Yes.
13:33Let's do it.
13:37That is to die for.
13:39The best.
13:40Oh, good.
13:40Thank you, ladies.
13:41It has been a privilege to bake for such a beautiful couple.
13:47Oh, my God.
13:49But now for my favourite part.
13:51The wedding cake toppers.
13:54Oh, good boy.
13:55Oh, God.
13:55They didn't sleep last night.
13:56Okay, first up, we have the lovely Lisa.
14:04Oh, my God.
14:06Wow.
14:07Oh, my God.
14:08I love it.
14:09And also, do you recognise that's your mum's wedding dress?
14:13Baby, did you do that for me?
14:14I didn't do that.
14:15Making this was like carving the Venus de Milo.
14:19Oh, thank you.
14:21Oh, my God.
14:22Now, your bride.
14:24I'm so nervous now.
14:25Don't be nervous.
14:26Yes, I am.
14:27We have Ursula.
14:29What is this?
14:31Why is it so heavy?
14:33It's this thing made from lead.
14:35This is hideous.
14:37This thing is a hunchback of Notre Dame.
14:40It should be living under a bridge and not be on top of a coach.
14:43Look, I think she looks beautiful.
14:45There's nothing in this that looks like me.
14:48Well, this thing's got lopsided tits.
14:50That's not me.
14:51Hey, I love your lopsided tits.
14:54Look at the butt on this thing.
14:55Kim Kardashian on this side.
14:57Paris Hilton on this side.
14:59It looks like a bulldog and a chihuahua trapped in a bag.
15:02And why is this nose this size?
15:04It's like half the face's nose.
15:06And what is this white stuff in the front here?
15:08Did a seagull shit on it before he brought it out?
15:12This is hideous.
15:13Okay, all right.
15:14Now, listen.
15:14I've never once had a complaint.
15:16Well, allow me to be the first.
15:18Now, I have made a backup.
15:20Would you like to see it?
15:20Yeah.
15:21Thanks.
15:21Okay.
15:21Fantastic.
15:22I think you're going to like this one a little bit more.
15:24Oh, what do you think of that?
15:30We think that's you.
15:33Well, I wouldn't have thought so.
15:34It's got the hat.
15:35It's got the apron.
15:36It's even holding another little cake topper.
15:39And it's cake topper hand.
15:41Would you look at that?
15:43So is.
15:45Let's just see what it looks like.
15:49Meh.
15:52I think we can work with this.
15:54Are you trying to muscle in on my marriage?
15:58Oh, I see what's happening.
15:59You want to steal my bride?
16:00Take it.
16:01Have it.
16:02Live your lives and I will steal your cake.
16:05You can't steal something you've already bought.
16:12Oh, babe.
16:19I can see it now.
16:22Enjoy each other.
16:24We'll leave.
16:31Did you guys watch the poo cruise?
16:34Listen.
16:38My heart, when people say,
16:40you should do a comedy cruise,
16:41I would rather run full speed
16:42into a fucking wood chipper.
16:47Why would you risk going on a cruise
16:50when the possibility exists
16:51that a crew member will hand you a bag
16:54and go, henceforth,
16:55you'll be shitting in that?
16:58No, thanks.
16:59I watched that poo cruise thing
17:01and even if you haven't watched it,
17:02you can figure it out.
17:04Poo cruise.
17:06It's like, you didn't have to watch
17:08two girls, one cup.
17:09You just know it's gross.
17:12So,
17:13the thing that disappointed me the most
17:16about that poo cruise documentary
17:17is the fact that
17:19no one butch lesbian
17:21took control of that ship
17:22and went,
17:23oi,
17:23no one's shitting in a bag.
17:26Okay?
17:26We're all going to be shitting
17:27over starboard.
17:31If you need to go for a shit,
17:32just hang your ass
17:33over the side of the ship.
17:35It's a little trust exercise
17:36with your partner.
17:37They will hold your hands
17:39as you're shitting
17:39over the side of the ship.
17:41And just watch your mouth.
17:42Don't be saying stuff like,
17:44you're just like your mother.
17:48One of my biggest passions
17:50in life
17:51is
17:51crime documentaries.
17:53Who loves a good crime docu?
17:55Yes!
17:56How good!
17:56Do you hear how that's
17:58a lot of women?
17:59I think,
17:59even with me,
18:01I am slowly planning
18:02the perfect murder.
18:04I reckon I'm about
18:06this far away
18:07from nailing it.
18:08I just need to figure out
18:09a way
18:09to get my mother-in-law
18:10to my house
18:11without a paper trail
18:14to me.
18:16I'm kidding.
18:16She's dead.
18:18Just to me.
18:19She's still alive.
18:20To other people,
18:21she's dead to me.
18:30I got a job.
18:31Classic smash and grab.
18:33Bangoist.
18:34And to pull it off,
18:35we need an elite team.
18:37That's why I brought
18:38all you here.
18:41Leo.
18:41Best safe cracker
18:43in the game.
18:44I get in.
18:45I get out.
18:47Like a ninja.
18:48Like a ninja.
18:50Barker.
18:51Weapons specialist.
18:52Anyone gets in my way?
18:56I get an ass.
18:58Niels.
18:59Getaway driver.
19:02McCain brothers.
19:04Muscle.
19:06And lastly,
19:08the brains
19:09of the operation.
19:11This is Ursula.
19:14Hello boys.
19:15How's it going?
19:16Who the hell is this?
19:18I've never heard of no Ursula.
19:19Oh, I'm the mastermind
19:21of the operation.
19:22Popcorn anyone?
19:23What makes you think
19:24you're the mastermind?
19:25Simple.
19:26I've watched
19:26every single
19:28true crime documentary
19:29ever made.
19:30So I know how to get away
19:31with every crime.
19:32Bullshit!
19:33You can't have seen them all.
19:34I mean,
19:35there's far too many.
19:36Mate,
19:36I'm a stay-at-home mum.
19:38I watch it while
19:39I'm doing my chores.
19:40Tell them what you know, Urs.
19:42I know how to rob banks
19:43and boost diamonds
19:44and swindle women
19:46on Tinder.
19:47I know how to lead cults
19:48and run pyramid schemes
19:50and kill people
19:50on staircases.
19:51You name it.
19:52I had a consult
19:53on the London job.
19:55Didn't those guys
19:56get caught?
19:56Yeah,
19:57but they wouldn't have
19:58if they'd used
19:58their left hands
19:59to write the ransom note.
20:01Got that one
20:01from the jinx.
20:02It's my favourite.
20:03Ursula knows
20:04everything that's
20:05going to happen
20:06before it even happens.
20:08That's right.
20:09Now prove it.
20:10Easy.
20:11Usually on a hoist
20:12like this,
20:13the day before,
20:14one of the members
20:14just up and leave
20:15without explanation.
20:16You know what?
20:17The hell with this.
20:18I'm out of here.
20:20Told ya.
20:21And then someone
20:21in the team
20:22will just turn up dead.
20:26And the murderer
20:27is usually someone
20:28you would least expect,
20:30like a male family member.
20:32It was him.
20:36God,
20:37she's good.
20:38Good?
20:38We just lost
20:39three of our men.
20:40Who's going to be
20:41our muscle?
20:42Who's going to drive us?
20:43Big or worry?
20:44Who's the rat?
20:46Rats.
20:46Good rats.
20:47While on a tight group
20:48like this,
20:49one of you
20:49is normally a narc
20:51and in this group
20:52I'm going to say...
20:59It's you.
21:00What?
21:01Parker!
21:02Say it isn't so!
21:03I don't know
21:03what she's talking about.
21:06Why?
21:07He's a cop!
21:09Really?
21:10It's not what it looks like.
21:25Cover's blown.
21:26Stand back up.
21:27Really, Parker?
21:28How could you?
21:30I'm sorry.
21:34I knew that was
21:35going to happen.
21:36Right, sir.
21:37I've killed a cop.
21:37Any advice?
21:39Well,
21:39try not to leave
21:40any DNA at the scene
21:41and whatever you do,
21:43do not go on a true crime docker
21:44and accidentally confess.
21:45So embarrassing.
21:46Thanks, Urs.
21:47You're the best.
21:48Aren't you, babe?
21:50What are you doing, Leo?
21:52Parker was my friend
21:54and my lover.
21:55Oh, yeah.
21:56I forgot to say,
21:56usually I'm one of these things.
21:58Someone always falls in love.
22:00Why didn't you say something?
22:02Are you kidding?
22:03This is the best part.
22:05Put your gun down, Leo.
22:07You put the gun down, big dang.
22:15Oh, my gosh.
22:19Best crime and wine night ever.
22:22It's pretty exciting.
22:23God, I could kill for a finger bang.
22:25I tell you what,
22:26one of these boys is still alive.
22:28It'll be a whole different night.
22:34All right.
22:35Well, I guess what we can take away from this
22:37is make sure you get your checkups.
22:40Go to the doctor.
22:40Go talk to your doctor,
22:41but also make sure it's not a creepy doctor
22:43that'll bring 40 people in
22:45to look at your clacker.
22:47But I must go now
22:48because I have to hop on a cruise
22:50so I can go join Fat Fuck Island.
22:53You guys have been absolutely amazing.
22:55Good night.
22:59That's interesting.
23:00What?
23:01You.
23:02And I apologise
23:03if this is coming on a bit forward.
23:04Sorry, don't sniff your gun.
23:06What's that?
23:12It's another one thing we're going to call it.
23:14Don't sniff the glove.
23:15Yo.
23:16Now, for the cake toppers.
23:17Yes.
23:18First things first.
23:19I love the box, even.
23:23Cake toppers.
23:24Yes.
23:25I even like the box.
23:30With her.
23:33Yeah.
23:33Next up, Urshel.
23:35Oh, my.
23:36What?
23:38Sorry.
23:39I hate myself.
23:40I hate you too.
23:42Urshel.
23:42Oh, my.
23:44Stop it.
23:45It has been a privilege to bake.
23:49I would like a privilege of baking.
23:55I would like a privilege of baking.
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