- 2 days ago
Us & Them (2014) Season 1 Episode 1
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00:10I wasn't doing it to you. I was doing it to the horse. I was doing it to the horse!
00:16Ow! I thought you were supposed to be peaceful!
00:21It just feels like something's still there. I need you to go get it.
00:31What is going on?
00:33What? It was still sticky.
00:40Okay, here we go.
00:42You know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea. Why don't we think this through for a second?
00:46Watch your fingers.
00:46No!
01:18Dillsburg Press, this is Stacy.
01:19Hey, it's Gavin.
01:21Hey!
01:21So, uh, are you all set for tomorrow?
01:24Yes. Jeez Louise, I can't believe we're finally gonna meet in person.
01:28Jeez Louise? Pardon me, Ms. Potty Mouth.
01:30I know, I have, like, super polite Tourette's or something.
01:35I didn't know they used such coarse language in the country.
01:39Anyway, uh, I will see you tomorrow night.
01:43Only 19 hours left to go.
01:44Yep.
01:45Bye.
01:48I'm excited for you, Gav. You ask me to be your double date wingman, you know I'm there.
01:52As always.
01:53Always?
01:54Huh.
01:55Uh, your first kiss? Who brokered that deal?
01:57Me.
01:58Who taught you how to touch boobs?
02:00Allison Jenkins.
02:01The right way?
02:03You.
02:03Ha!
02:04And who had your back the first time you went all the way?
02:06Whoa, you had nothing to do with me losing my virginity.
02:09Unless you invented hard lemonade in the bouncy castle.
02:11Talking about before that.
02:12The first time I got you the magazine and I stood outside the door.
02:17Wait, you stood outside the door?
02:18That was garbage.
02:19Kinda super weird, dude.
02:20That's what best friends do.
02:21That's not what best friends do.
02:22Cellmates, maybe.
02:27So, what does this say to you?
02:29It says I teach a Top Gun and each year I deflower the most promising pilot.
02:33That's bad.
02:35I'm glad you're going, Ness.
02:37I don't like the idea of my daughter on a blind date all the way in New York.
02:41Not a blind date, Mom.
02:42But you haven't met.
02:44You just don't know.
02:46Gavin could be a pedophile.
02:47Well, then he wouldn't like me, would he?
02:49Well, you have such a young face.
02:52Trust me, things are different when you meet someone in person.
02:55That's true, Stace.
02:56They're always worse.
02:57Remember I was dating that guy and he ended up being Hezbollah?
03:01Not even a high up.
03:02Just an office one.
03:06Stace, no.
03:07You look like a whore.
03:08Happy whore or sad whore?
03:10Like a sad pot smoking whore.
03:13She's right, Stace.
03:15It's perfect.
03:17So, for tomorrow night, I read about this new club, Reverb, that's supposed to be cool.
03:21And I want her to be like, oh, wow, New York.
03:24But can we get into a place like that?
03:26Yeah, I can definitely get us in.
03:28If the girls are good looking, Reverb's a solid call.
03:31There's lots of strobes, lots of sounds.
03:33This country girl's gonna be like there in headlights.
03:35Then come morning, we will be scraping fur and meat off our bumpers.
03:39It's a metaphor, you know.
03:40Bumper isn't.
03:41All right.
03:42Okay.
03:45You know, I never complain.
03:46What?
03:47But if our toilet doesn't get fixed soon, I'm gonna have to start whizzing in the dishwasher.
03:51Okay, that's not even the line of succession.
03:53It goes shower, sink, dishwasher, hamper.
03:57My hamper's last.
03:58I've been doing it out of order.
03:59Hey, Don.
04:00Hey.
04:01Hey, everybody.
04:03Sit down.
04:03I'll fix you a plate.
04:04Pamela.
04:05Mwah.
04:06Quality top.
04:08Michael, the toilet downstairs broke again.
04:10Yeah, it's bad.
04:11It's like a chocolate Chernobyl.
04:12Have a sweetheart.
04:13I'll check it out.
04:14Pam, where's the honey?
04:15This is beef stew.
04:18Okay, this is getting to be a bit of a neurotic thing.
04:21You know I have lost most of my sense of taste.
04:24Savory, bitter, sour, gone.
04:25All I can taste is sweet.
04:27So forgive me if I at least try to enjoy what I eat.
04:30I'm not afraid of a few extra calories.
04:32Oh, he thinks he's in such better shape than me?
04:34He started wearing tank tops.
04:36He looks like an Israeli tourist.
04:37Can we not get into this now?
04:38No, I was the catch in this relationship.
04:41I mean, men used to look at me and you knew that when they were alone later with themselves in
04:46their hands.
04:47Oh, Mom.
04:48I was in their thoughts.
04:49I still have the tush.
04:50Go ahead and squeeze the sponge cake.
04:53Go ahead.
04:53Tell me that's not fresh.
04:54Mom.
04:55That's fresh.
04:56Like the day it turned out of the oven.
04:57Hey, Gavin, don't smirk.
04:59I'm not smirking.
04:59I'm just trying to bite down on the cyanide pill I keep in my molar.
05:08Would you stare at an armless man trying to push an elevator button?
05:12This is a real disability.
05:18Hello.
05:18Hi, Uncle Brian.
05:20I brought ice cream.
05:24And a rape alarm.
05:26My brother would turn in his grave if he thought I wasn't taking care of his little girl.
05:30What is a rape alarm, Bri?
05:32Is it like a car alarm?
05:33Does it go off if someone touches your vehicle?
05:35You call your cobra basket a vehicle?
05:38Well, I certainly don't call it a cobra basket.
05:40Good.
05:41Bri, thanks.
05:42But I don't need...
05:44Uh, Stacy, listen to me.
05:45You are going into New York City to meet some boy you barely know.
05:48I'm gonna show you how to use this.
05:50That way, if God forbid you come back all raped, I will rest easy in my bed knowing I did
05:54everything I could to prevent it.
05:56Now, come at me.
05:57Come and try to forcibly penetrate me.
05:59Uncle Brian, I'm...
06:00I'm walking down Rape Street and...
06:01I'm not doing that.
06:02I dropped my library card.
06:03Stacy, Paula Pearson, you sexually assault your uncle right now.
06:06Oh, that's okay.
06:07Gwen, she's feeling a little bit shy.
06:08Ness, how about you?
06:09You wanna have a go?
06:10Walking down the street and, whoops, somebody dropped a quarter.
06:14So, tell us about your big date tomorrow.
06:17Do you want me to iron anything before you meet the girl from crack country?
06:20Mom!
06:20It's a fact.
06:21Gavin, I saw it on The View.
06:22Keep your money in your sock and do not use any condoms they give you.
06:26Pinholes.
06:26Also on The View.
06:27Same episode.
06:28These girls could be total freaks.
06:29Dad, Stacy is not a freak.
06:31Yeah, but her mystery friend no one's ever seen before might be.
06:34Ray!
06:35If you didn't want it, you wouldn't dress like that.
06:37Yes, uh, that's enough.
06:39Ray!
06:39Don't you look at me.
06:39Ray!
06:40Don't you ever look at me.
06:42Ray!
06:42Oh, okay.
06:43It's not like that, right?
06:44Ray!
06:45Okay, tonight in New York, if you see me getting too drunk and I start going all slappy, slappy,
06:50touchy, touchy, promise me you'll give me the sign.
06:53I think I like this guy, so if we do fool around, I wanna remember it.
06:57I'll try, but no promises.
06:58This is one of the craziest things I've ever done.
07:00It's pretty ballsy, Stace.
07:02Like the time I went through customs with a belly full of crack-filled condoms.
07:05And like me, you will have some residual pain, a few sweaty moments, and it'll all end in smiles.
07:12Aw, thanks, Ness. I hope so.
07:43There she is.
07:44All right. I guess inbreeding does work out sometimes.
07:47Nice one get.
07:49You okay?
07:50Yeah.
07:50I can't breathe, but I feel so light. It's like I'm on the moon.
07:55Do you have any idea how hard it is to be your friend?
08:02Oh, no.
08:02Hi.
08:03Hi.
08:04Hiya.
08:05Oh, sorry.
08:07Oh, no. You thought I was doing one of those handshake and hug things.
08:10That'd be cool people do.
08:12It's just weird to finally see you in person.
08:14Yeah.
08:15Look, you have legs. Thank God.
08:18There they are.
08:18I mean, not that that would be a problem.
08:20I'd like to think that I could fall in love with an amputee.
08:24I mean, it could be great.
08:24I could carry you around in one of those, uh, baby Bjorn things.
08:28You know, we could board planes early, most likely.
08:31Probably get upgraded.
08:34Oh, sorry. This is, uh, Chris Archuleta. Archie.
08:38Hi.
08:38Hey.
08:39Did you come alone?
08:41No.
08:41We didn't eat, so my friend Nessa is just getting us something.
08:44There she is.
08:45Ten bucks for artisanal frankfurter with kimchi.
08:49Oh, you bastard.
08:50Nessa, um, this is Gavin.
08:52Hi.
08:53And Archie.
09:00So, drinks?
09:01Yes, please.
09:02All right.
09:03Chase, you don't want this now?
09:04No, I'm-I'm good, actually.
09:15I'm not getting into reverb.
09:22This place is pretty cool.
09:24Right?
09:24Yeah, totally.
09:26Where's the toilet?
09:27It's a long bus ride.
09:28This base is really jogging my insides.
09:31Okay, so we'll be right back.
09:32Okay.
09:34This is a nightmare of epic proportions.
09:36Oh, come on, man.
09:37It's not that bad.
09:37It's a little Euro douchey, but that just makes it more sort of-
09:40I'm talking about Nessa, dude.
09:42A. How old is it?
09:43Two.
09:44Did you see the tattoos?
09:45I'm pretty sure the one behind her neck is the Chinese symbol for Taco Bell.
09:48And did it look infected?
09:49Archie?
09:50It did.
09:50Archie?
09:51This is my moment.
09:52Keep it together.
09:53No, it's together, is it?
09:54I am one solid piece from foot to face, bro.
09:57Do not doubt me.
09:58I will fly out of here like I guess hell.
10:04Slow down, Stace.
10:06You are glazing them like Christmas hands.
10:07I know.
10:08I'm just nervous.
10:10This place is super fancy.
10:11He's even cuter than I thought.
10:13Yeah, he's beautiful.
10:14But your boobs are like two scoops of vanilla ice cream,
10:17and your eyes are unholy blue like a witch's.
10:20You are platinum.
10:21Everybody knows that.
10:22Thanks, Ness.
10:23And Archie's not bad, right?
10:25Yeah, sure.
10:25He's hot.
10:26White hot.
10:26I could slice him up and crawl inside and survive a blizzard.
10:29Okay.
10:30Let's go get loaded.
10:32I know you said you didn't eat, so I ordered us oysters from the raw bar.
10:37Oh.
10:38Oysters.
10:39Help yourself.
10:40Okay.
10:41I will.
10:42So this place is pretty cool.
10:44A lot of celebrities supposedly hang out here.
10:47Uh, I thought I saw Lindsay Lohan, but it turned out to be one of those big melting candles,
10:53so.
10:54Mmm.
10:57Yeah, this is good.
11:00Oh, no.
11:01Actually, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my mouth.
11:06And I grew up in the country.
11:08Oh.
11:09Oh.
11:10Well, no abductions reported on the NYPD Twitter feed.
11:15Yet.
11:16So, either Stacy's date is going well or else she's duct taped in the back of someone's trunk.
11:21Brian.
11:21Sorry.
11:22That's ridiculous.
11:24You can't fit an adult body in the trunk of a car.
11:26It's only in the movies.
11:28A child, maybe, or a little dwarf, but not a grown-up.
11:31Well, you couldn't mind, Gwen.
11:32You could fit an adult, a dwarf-y person, and a pet in there still have room for golf clubs.
11:36Gwen, that's half the reason I bought my car.
11:38I doubt that.
11:39We agree to disagree.
11:41Look.
11:42All I'm saying is, don't worry about Stacy.
11:46I'm not worried.
11:47Just...
11:49making candles.
11:53So, is this what you usually do?
11:55You hang out in happening places with raw bars and angry giraffe women?
12:01No.
12:01No, I don't.
12:02I thought it would be hip and, like, impress you, but it...
12:05It's cool.
12:06I just didn't know this was your thing.
12:07No, this is not my thing.
12:09My thing involves normal-looking people sleeping late and cake for breakfast.
12:14Well, I like cake.
12:15Me too.
12:16Yeah.
12:16It's sweet.
12:17It's moist.
12:18It's...
12:18It's America's fruit.
12:20I'm sorry.
12:20I don't mean to bring us down.
12:21I just...
12:22I think I feel a little awkward here is all.
12:26You know, I do have one potentially humiliating idea how to fix this.
12:32Sexy lady fell asleep.
12:34Hands in the head.
12:35I'm walking on my knees.
12:37So you...
12:38You thought your terrible dance skills would fix things.
12:42I...
12:42I didn't know what else to do.
12:44I...
12:44I'm panic dancing.
12:45Is it working?
12:46I think I preferred you legless.
12:48Oh, I could do way worse.
12:50Come on.
12:58Let me take you where
12:59We can breathe the air
13:01We'll be so caught up
13:03We won't have a care
13:05I've been waiting for this moment
13:07Way too long
13:09Been too long
13:11Somehow you got me feeling like we must belong
13:16Yeah
13:18Oh
13:20I wish tonight could last forever
13:23Live now, the rest is just forever
13:27I know I'm making you better
13:30Keep your heart racing
13:32Just a love making
13:34I wish tonight could last forever
13:38Live now, the rest is just forever
13:41Drink or should we go someplace quieter or
13:43You mean like your apartment?
13:46Yeah
13:46Yeah, my apartment is very quiet
13:48It's like a tomb
13:49Forget I said tomb
13:50It's like a library
13:51There's lots of books
13:53Okay
13:57Whew
13:59How many calories do you think we just burned off?
14:01Oh god, you really do have a sickness
14:03I do not
14:06Actually, I'm in the mood for a snack
14:09Something...
14:09Sweet?
14:10Ha
14:11Oh, that gives me a very naughty idea
14:14Mmm
14:15I'll be right back with round two
14:17Ooh
14:18Here we are
14:19This is my, uh, whoa!
14:21Oh, hi!
14:22Oh!
14:23Hi, what's, uh, what's happening?
14:24Where are the beers?
14:25Mama thirsty
14:27Oh, hi, Stacy
14:28Oh, hey
14:32One, yeah
14:33I guess you decided to be nice after all
14:36Yeah, well, my brain said no, but my lady mouth said I'm bored
14:39Yeah
14:40So...
14:40Archie, let's go!
14:42I've done just about everything I can and they're without you
14:45All right, bro
14:47Yo, if you need me
14:48The safe word is raisins
14:51Hi
14:52Good lady
14:55All right
14:56This is my room
14:57Wow, that is a lot of pillows for a dude
14:59Is it?
15:00Seems like the normal amount
15:02Do you want some music?
15:04Yeah
15:05Just know Prince, guys always play Prince
15:07Oh
15:10Guys, plural, do that? That's good to know
15:13Anyway, I, uh, I had a lot of fun tonight
15:17Me too
15:23Oh, sorry, sorry, I thought
15:25No, I, I just felt a little weird for a second, but I'm fine
15:28Okay, well, you need to lie down, maybe remove your bazaar
15:33No, um, you know what, I, I think that oyster
15:38Yeah?
15:38I think I'm gonna throw up
15:39Oh, gosh, um
15:41Oh, God, where is the bathroom?
15:42Oh, no, no, no, no, Stacy, it's a disaster in there, don't, don't
15:45No, it's Mother of God
15:46Oh, God, I'm so sorry
15:47What goes on in here?
15:49That's mostly Archie
15:54Uh, sorry
15:56Your father needs honey
15:58Oh, God, you were a filth
16:05Come on, big boy
16:11Whoa
16:17Thanks for stopping by
16:26Thanks for stopping by
16:28Hey
16:30Uh, hey
16:30It's almost nine, I, we have half an hour to catch our bus
16:34Okay, just let me say goodbye
16:37Oh, no, don't wake him, Stacy
16:39Please
16:39To be honest, last night you look slammin', right now you look like what slides out after a calf is
16:44born
16:45Oh
16:45Let him have some memories
16:47Okay?
16:49I'm just gonna write a note
16:51Okay, let me news
17:22The nausea.
17:23Archie, you don't understand.
17:25No, you don't understand.
17:26She did things. She put things up.
17:29Did Stacey do the same to you?
17:31Did she...
17:33Stick anything? Archie, I...
17:34No, I need to know whether this is something that Nessa does
17:36or whether it's a cultural Pennsylvania thing.
17:38Because if not, if this isn't something country girls do regularly,
17:41I need to see a doctor. Pronto.
17:43I don't know. I wouldn't know,
17:44because she just took off this morning and we didn't even...
17:46Gavin, pull it together! I am on fire
17:48in the most tender of places.
17:50This is my moment!
17:56Are those yours?
18:05We have bagels.
18:08Also penicillin.
18:09Oh, that's funny, Michael. That's really funny.
18:11Okay, okay, okay, okay.
18:13Everybody's fine. I'm not fine.
18:15I really like this girl.
18:16Well, now we're just gonna go back to emails about work?
18:19No. Now you can ask out the Bradley's daughter.
18:21She is very full-figured,
18:23you know, in a sensuous way.
18:24Her mother has very powerful legs.
18:26I once saw her lift a keg of beer.
18:29Do you find that sensuous? Do you find powerful legs sensual?
18:31A spear? Well, you lift a keg of beer?
18:33Dad, I need the car.
18:35What for? I just...
18:37I need the car. Please?
18:37You're going for it. I'm taking the car.
18:40Full rom-com, you adorable little dumpling.
18:42Well, wait. How many miles?
18:44I don't know. Thank you so much.
18:45It's a lease!
18:46All right!
18:49Oh, okay.
18:50I desperately need a shower.
18:53Feeling...
18:53a little sticky.
18:55So you know what I mean?
19:06There's no distance in between
19:08Darling, you and me
19:11Make this thing complete
19:15We go drifting out to sea
19:18Making memories
19:20Your honey's oh, so sweet
19:23You're always hold on
19:28For now
19:29The road's for cars! It's a car road!
19:33Oh, no!
19:34You're always hold on
19:37Open your hands me when I'm...
19:40Huh?
19:42I was doing it to the horse!
19:44It was still sticking.
19:47Ow!
20:01Stacey!
20:03Stacey!
20:05Stace! Stacey!
20:07Yeah, Ben!
20:14Oh, my stars! Your eyes!
20:16Oh, my stars! Your eyes!
20:17Like my grandma cursing at the wheel of fortune!
20:19Shut up!
20:26Hey!
20:28Hey!
20:30She threw up on the bus
20:32A lot
20:33Thought there was a little tang
20:36Your friend took my underwear
20:37I know
20:39I, uh, I saw
20:42Who owes me new ones?
20:44I only wear sat
20:45Pass that along
20:47So...
20:47Sorry about that
20:49Oh, no
20:49My breath
20:49No, no!
20:50Didn't bother me at all
20:51For some reason
20:52Wow, you don't really like me
20:54I guess I must
20:55So what do we do now?
20:57I don't know
20:58I guess we'll figure it out
21:11See that?
21:12Plenty of room
21:12Is that the boy from New York?
21:15Or did she meet someone on the bus?
21:17I don't know
21:18Whoever he is
21:19He's gorgeous
21:24What'd I tell ya?
21:26The right alarm works
21:27We're fine
21:29It's consensual
21:30We...
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