00:00This is an advice moment.
00:01So those three women I mentioned,
00:02Dorit, Kyle, and Erica,
00:04have been best friends for like nine years.
00:06But now Dorit is kind of on the outs with them.
00:08She's going through a divorce,
00:10but they all kind of are going through the divorces.
00:11And she's acting in a way
00:14they are feeling is a little erratic
00:17in ways that she's spending,
00:19in ways that she's maneuvering.
00:22And she's kind of saying,
00:23can't you guys just like,
00:24let me be a little chaotic
00:25and have this moment?
00:27But they're like,
00:28no, because we know what divorce is.
00:32We want to help you not do that.
00:34If you have a friend kind of like
00:36acting out-ish in retaliation to their divorce,
00:39do you kind of be like,
00:40let them do their thing?
00:41Or should you kind of like helicopter mom them?
00:42Look, I'm not an expert.
00:43I will say that.
00:44I'm not a therapist,
00:45but I do have a lot of strong opinions.
00:46And I think that that qualifies me.
00:48If you have somebody
00:49who's going through a big life moment
00:50and they're spinning out a little bit,
00:51like people can only hear advice
00:53when they're ready to hear it, right?
00:54Like you can't,
00:55I think the best thing you can do
00:56when someone is spinning out
00:57is you can give them the advice that you have.
00:59And then I think you can just say like,
01:01hey, this is,
01:02I'm giving you this,
01:03but you do what you will with it.
01:05And then I think the most important thing though
01:07is to not scold them a bunch
01:10because you want them to feel like the door is open
01:12for when they do feel ready to come down
01:14off of that like spin out.
01:15And really,
01:16like at some point,
01:18they'll want to kind of like get back on track.
01:21And if they,
01:22if everybody has made them feel crappy
01:23while they were spinning out,
01:24then they will feel embarrassed
01:25to come back to those friends
01:26and be like,
01:27hey, okay, I messed up.
01:28The best thing you can do
01:28when someone is kind of like
01:29on a downward spiral,
01:31I don't want to say downward spiral,
01:32that's not dramatic,
01:32but if someone's like-
01:33Crashing out.
01:33Crashing out a little bit
01:34is just keep the door open
01:36so that when they're,
01:37if they want to repair things
01:39either with you
01:39or they want to repair things around them,
01:41they don't feel embarrassed
01:42to come to you
01:42and ask for that help
01:42because they don't,
01:43they won't feel like
01:44it's an I told you so moment.
01:45Another thing I will say
01:46is like,
01:46not to brag,
01:47but I've,
01:48I'm divorced.
01:49And so I was like
01:50the first person
01:51in my circle of friends.
01:51Like I got divorced
01:52kind of like early-ish.
01:54And so then what would happen
01:55was any time
01:56a friend of mine
01:57was going through divorce
01:58or knew somebody
01:58going through divorce,
01:59they'd be like,
01:59can I talk to you?
02:00Can I send my friend
02:00to talk to you to get advice?
02:01And the thing I learned
02:02very quickly is
02:03no one in the immediate
02:04aftermath of a divorce
02:05follows any advice you give them
02:07no matter how good it is.
02:08I think it's just too big
02:09of an experience.
02:10It's too chaotic
02:11and too emotionally chaotic,
02:13logistically chaotic.
02:14So I also think like
02:15when someone's like acting crazy
02:16because they're going
02:16through divorce,
02:17you just got to let them
02:17have that moment.
02:18I think that's just what it is.
02:19If I were to give
02:20a divorce advice,
02:20it really would be more
02:21to the people like around them
02:22to be like,
02:23just let them have their minute.
02:24Like, and just, yeah.
02:25Oh, the other,
02:26oh, you know what?
02:26The other piece of advice
02:27I do give in the book actually
02:28though is like,
02:29when I got divorced,
02:30I feel like a lot of people
02:31kind of disappeared on me
02:32for a minute.
02:33And I think like friends and stuff.
02:34And I think it's because
02:35people were worried
02:35they were going to say
02:36the wrong thing.
02:36That is a piece of advice
02:37I give in the book
02:38is like if you know somebody
02:38going through a tough thing,
02:40reach out to them.
02:41Even if you're not sure
02:41what to say,
02:42just you showing up
02:43in whatever
02:44well-intentioned clumsy way
02:46you show up
02:47will be appreciated,
02:48I think.
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