- 7 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:20Hees.
00:26:21Four.
00:26:22One.
00:26:24Three.
00:26:25Three down.
00:26:25Five.
00:26:26You better be my destiny.
00:26:37One.
00:26:38First things first, when I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag, and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on earth, and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd. I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves, and, uh,
00:26:57fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay. Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night, making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card. Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy, take another card. Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point. Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later. You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future hi-li, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this seem a
00:28:07little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:10I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:14Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:22Yeah, but I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will!
00:28:32I just told my friends, gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk.
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:01Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns, and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:18Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:41No.
00:29:42We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:47500?
00:29:53So we'll get some more water.
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:12I slept on my arm, weird.
00:30:14Oh, God.
00:30:16This aeroped half deflated.
00:30:17Ah, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:28Ambien?
00:30:28We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil' Peep died?
00:30:36Oh, God.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all going to take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:51As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:55Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:30:59Ha-ha.
00:31:01Ha-ha-ha.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open,
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:24Oh, this is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:44The first and most important rule is
00:31:45have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:18a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:29And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't
00:32:42any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa.
00:32:52Elrond, did you make
00:32:54all this yourself?
00:32:54I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12mechanical, ultra-responsive,
00:33:14dietary, electronic,
00:33:15robotic, energized,
00:33:16delivery, meal,
00:33:17interface, dietary,
00:33:17wellness, efficiency system,
00:33:19tactile, edible,
00:33:20responsorous, nutrition,
00:33:21home, or mobile,
00:33:22omnivorous, sustenance,
00:33:23expeditious,
00:33:23xenoculinary, user-aligned,
00:33:25lunch tool-enabled,
00:33:26eating-nourishment,
00:33:27aging, gastronomical,
00:33:28electronic robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it the
00:33:32Murdered Midwestern
00:33:33Homosexual Teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:37I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:40prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45murdered Midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager.
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:51You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay, so
00:34:02how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3-D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my slip-pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit
00:34:22when they play your song.
00:34:24You got to hit that shit
00:34:25You got to hit that shit
00:34:26Run, yeah,
00:34:27take that shit
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:29Oh, yeah.
00:34:40Oh, yeah.
00:34:45Whoa.
00:34:46Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning.
00:34:49This is a surprise.
00:34:50Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well,
00:34:54are we sure you
00:34:55didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep.
00:34:57This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well,
00:34:59last night was the first
00:35:00in 18 years
00:35:01that I didn't share my bed
00:35:02with my lovely
00:35:03on-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep,
00:35:05I must have wandered over here,
00:35:06mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well,
00:35:12I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:21There were good people
00:35:24on both sides
00:35:25of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces in the...
00:35:29Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy?
00:35:36Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is
00:35:39a really great group
00:35:40we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool
00:35:41that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool
00:35:44we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy.
00:35:53You know what
00:35:53that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time
00:35:55for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Okay, what's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later
00:36:02from future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow.
00:36:05Look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:08Now, I know
00:36:08the Martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:11but you've won something
00:36:12that's going to make
00:36:13this place feel
00:36:14a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right.
00:36:17Okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello
00:36:22to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Fiance!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is...
00:36:35How, how, how is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis,
00:36:39I asked if you wanted
00:36:39surprise now
00:36:40or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we pause for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door
00:36:48go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:03Hi, I'm Candace,
00:37:06Kyle's fiancée.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is, this is crazy.
00:37:13This is all so surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose
00:37:17surprise later,
00:37:17I knew we had to think
00:37:18of something really good
00:37:20for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it,
00:37:22right then,
00:37:22Candace showed up
00:37:23at the launch pad
00:37:24and was going on and on
00:37:25about how much she needed
00:37:26to get up here
00:37:27and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out,
00:37:29I said,
00:37:30what the heck?
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod.
00:37:32Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened
00:37:37if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won $400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000.
00:37:44Yeah.
00:37:46Uh, Candace,
00:37:47could we just have
00:37:48a little sidebar
00:37:49to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know,
00:37:51I'm sensing a little
00:37:53hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no.
00:37:58I just, I feel like
00:38:00you're, I mean,
00:38:01I don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel,
00:38:02but I imagine
00:38:03that you would have
00:38:05the right
00:38:06to be
00:38:09frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but, um,
00:38:14you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad.
00:38:17Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no.
00:38:18I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay, then we're not mad.
00:38:22Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah, fine.
00:38:26I mean, it just,
00:38:26it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You motherfucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:35Okay, everyone,
00:38:36seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some
00:38:40rather unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to
00:38:46really quickly go over
00:38:47some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first,
00:38:49this is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today,
00:38:52Kyle was suggesting
00:38:52that we leave someone
00:38:54in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe
00:38:56for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing
00:38:59without a spacesuit
00:39:00when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures
00:39:02could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have
00:39:05your spacesuit on
00:39:06and you're going to take
00:39:06a walk on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle
00:39:09and give the voice command
00:39:11airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:15Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:19Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:22Exterior door opening
00:39:23in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:26Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck
00:39:29inside the airlock
00:39:31without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command
00:39:33abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it!
00:39:36I am doing it.
00:39:38I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:41I'm sorry.
00:39:42I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle,
00:39:50I'm going to take it from here, okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock...
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry.
00:39:54I didn't quite get that.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it!
00:39:56I'm sorry.
00:39:57I was telling Kyle
00:39:58to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it right there!
00:40:01Evacuating airlock in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Sorry, Elrond!
00:40:12You both shut the fuck up!
00:40:14Everyone, shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:18Abort airlock...
00:40:22Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, did that
00:40:27just happen?
00:40:28Okay, you guys are actually louder than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:36Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:38The billionaire guy that brought us here!
00:40:40the Elrond the main guy Elrond all right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:49holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not fucking cool Elrond Branson was
00:40:56the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy Lord God Almighty
00:41:01fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads
00:41:07together poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said
00:41:13let's keep our heads together his head exploded the things you say are
00:41:16inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb holy shit he won't stop singing oh
00:41:22I'm sorry I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess how by sending a
00:41:27little SOS to the big man upstairs but with me God's not real Peggy isn't it
00:41:35enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy God while you're
00:41:39at it I didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock close airlock close hey come
00:41:44on Wimmy leave Peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying
00:41:50Kyle I mean Peggy is obviously she's you know Peggy I don't want to offend you but
00:41:56I mean you're you're obviously like you have a mental thing right are you mentally
00:42:03handicapped oh I'm sorry no that came out wrong look it's not gonna solve
00:42:09anything for us to be blaming each other now I'm sure each one of us in this
00:42:13room has made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just
00:42:18forgive everyone here so that we can all work together moving forward Todd what is
00:42:28with the attitude I don't have an attitude well I'm not your fucking dad man I know
00:42:32you're not my dad my dad is awesome is Alron okay
00:42:42okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get
00:42:47them to pick us up and take us home I know hit this one Peggy don't touch this is dangerous
00:42:53okay
00:42:54from now on no one touches anything Todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:02mission control can you hear us
00:43:12guys guys we are so sorry about Elron it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras
00:43:20uh what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button
00:43:32um Peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just
00:43:42disengaged all the return boosters oh thank you Peggy did I fix it well now what are we screwed is
00:43:49there is there another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a
00:43:55plan B
00:43:56oh thank God yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five
00:44:03years
00:44:04five years did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole
00:44:10years maybe you should have thought about that before you killed Alron Branson he was a candle in the
00:44:15wind and a rocket man that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools
00:44:26you guys
00:44:27just think you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then Merry
00:44:34Christmas and happy birthday you're on one nerds out no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:53I cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame
00:44:57Toby can we go frame by frame here someone get Toby out of the chair and let's go frame by
00:45:01frame
00:45:01okay here we go now he's like oh I'm in trouble I'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where I think
00:45:15he died what about you I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me I have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:24getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning
00:45:29the loss of billionaire philanthropist Alron Branson and watching the developments with bated breath
00:45:35so much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor
00:45:40the events in the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of
00:45:45the only person who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up I tell
00:45:50you it
00:45:50must be incredibly incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why
00:45:57not the women's bathroom I like the way you think stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up
00:46:02but you're going to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet
00:46:08pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:15frosted lucky charms
00:46:17Reese's buff cocoa puffs
00:46:19pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:25hi
00:46:28so Todd huh that's an interesting name I'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy what you just told your
00:46:36boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt you're angry you want to fuck somebody you're being crazy
00:46:40oh my god I wouldn't even think okay sweet that is not why I came over here oh okay my
00:46:49mistake and for your information crazy girls are the best in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls
00:46:56say oh
00:47:03hey
00:47:03they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it stinks in here anyways
00:47:10just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight
00:47:15shut up
00:47:16literally nobody has
00:47:19ever said that to me
00:47:21literally
00:47:21that's a shame
00:47:23cuz I think you're fucking sexy
00:47:26Candace you are blowing my mind right now
00:47:29what do you say we lock this door put on some music grab a bottle of Everclear and
00:47:37Candace I'm gonna stop you right there I don't stick my fingers in crazy
00:47:41what
00:47:42it's my one rule
00:47:43don't get me wrong Candace you're a very attractive woman and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered
00:47:49but I know where this road leads
00:47:51and it's not a place where either of us would feel good
00:47:55what the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship
00:48:04hey there
00:48:06wimmy
00:48:06right
00:48:09shhhh
00:48:13okay
00:48:16hi Candace
00:48:18I was just talking to my best friend
00:48:21who's your best friend
00:48:22ugh
00:48:23this is so fucking hard
00:48:25what say you and I have a little drink
00:48:28let me stop you right there
00:48:29I do not imbibe
00:48:31but I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with
00:48:36alcohol
00:48:37you're funny
00:48:38listen
00:48:39wimmy
00:48:40you're a man with needs
00:48:42I'm a woman with needs
00:48:44what do you say we help each other out
00:48:47what
00:48:47no
00:48:48no no no no no no no no no no
00:48:49I am taken
00:48:50here's the Tillium's clan right here
00:48:53ah
00:48:53what
00:48:54ah
00:48:56ah
00:48:57ah
00:48:57ah
00:48:58ah
00:48:58ah
00:49:00aaah
00:49:02Candace, we just adulteryed
00:49:04I adulterated
00:49:05I just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:07ha ha ha ha ha
00:49:09happy about you
00:49:11I'm sorry
00:49:12I just don't know what's going on with me
00:49:14this whole thing with me and Kyle
00:49:16make me feel like I'm losing my mind
00:49:20I'm not usually like this I swear
00:49:22Okay. Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason, so maybe he can use this as a teachable moment.
00:49:32Okay. John 3.16 says,
00:49:34For God so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten Son.
00:49:37Yeah, but, Wimmy, we're not on earth.
00:49:41Well, it says earth, but it means the whole solar system.
00:49:44Well, why would he say earth if he meant solar system?
00:49:49Candace.
00:49:49Well, way back when this was written, God probably had no idea that in the future, man would make it
00:49:54to other planets.
00:49:56Well, I mean, he knew. He just had to know. He just probably didn't... I mean... Hold on.
00:50:04Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys. In high school, I wasn't the most popular guy, either.
00:50:08I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18.
00:50:1318? 18?
00:50:15That's not nerdy. That's cool.
00:50:17No, I didn't mean 18. It wasn't 18. I don't know why I said that. It was way later. It
00:50:22was like 20.
00:50:2320?
00:50:249. 29. I was 29.
00:50:26Oh, okay. That's pretty lame, I guess.
00:50:31I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28.
00:50:34I didn't, but I could have.
00:50:36Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:50:37You kissed a girl at 28? Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:44Yeah, right. Get out of here. You don't really think that.
00:50:48Oh, I don't know. I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now.
00:50:53Shut up.
00:50:54You know what would be really cool, though?
00:50:55Well, if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home.
00:51:01Well, I guess us cools have to stick together.
00:51:04Ha ha, that's right.
00:51:06Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy, but I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to
00:51:14walk you through it.
00:51:15But the first thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks.
00:51:20Kyle, I'm so sorry. Can we talk?
00:51:23Just a minute, Candace. The mission control guys are helping us get home.
00:51:27All right, now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's
00:51:33return tank.
00:51:34Okay, resting generators. Got it.
00:51:36I cheated on you with Wimmy.
00:51:39With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird.
00:51:41Okay, all right. Look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that, but I gotta
00:51:48do this right now.
00:51:49This is what I'm talking about.
00:51:51I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you, and all you do is
00:51:57ignore me.
00:51:58Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal, or is this somewhere in the ship here?
00:52:03That is outside of the ship.
00:52:04Right on the underside of the central pond.
00:52:07Hi-ya!
00:52:08Candace, no!
00:52:11Two years of my life, Kyle.
00:52:14My two best years wasted with you.
00:52:19Oh, my God.
00:52:20Candace, stop!
00:52:26Oh, my God.
00:52:27I could have married Brian Delaney.
00:52:36Candace, you broke the air thing.
00:52:38Well, now we're even, because you broke my heart.
00:52:42No, no, no. You broke the fucking air thing.
00:52:45The meek shall inherit the earth.
00:52:49The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the Lord.
00:52:54The earth is the Lord's of the fullness thereof.
00:53:04The thing!
00:53:05She fucking broke the thing!
00:53:07We're gonna die!
00:53:08Do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:53:12Todd, I don't know how to fix the container, and I saw her do it.
00:53:17She threw the thing, and then it made the thing punch right through it.
00:53:20We're gonna die.
00:53:21We're all gonna die.
00:53:22What are you talking about?
00:53:23We're gonna die, man!
00:53:25And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:26Because I saw the fucking air!
00:53:28Our air is sucked out into outer space!
00:53:31Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:32Because this bitch...
00:53:34Hey!
00:53:36No, no, do not judge me until I have finished my sentence,
00:53:40because then you will see that she has murdered you,
00:53:45and she has murdered you,
00:53:48and she has murdered me,
00:53:50and she has also committed suicide
00:53:53and killed Wimmy.
00:53:54Where...
00:53:55Where's Wimmy?
00:53:57There is no God here.
00:53:58We abandoned him when we left the earth.
00:54:00He has no jurisdiction up here.
00:54:02The red planet is the planet of the devil.
00:54:07Okay.
00:54:08First of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room.
00:54:10Uh, I lost my cool there.
00:54:13I said some things that didn't need to be said,
00:54:15and it's important for a leader to be calm and collected.
00:54:18What?
00:54:19What?
00:54:20Dude, you are amazing.
00:54:22Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:25Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:27Kyle hates future tennis.
00:54:29He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:32come and see you after you tried to run away from them.
00:54:34Okay, Candace, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:37Life-threatening situation here.
00:54:38Ring a bell, you threw a fit, now we're fucked.
00:54:41We're fucked?
00:54:41Yes, we're fucked!
00:54:42We're not fucked.
00:54:44We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home.
00:54:48No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do.
00:54:51Let me guess what they said.
00:54:52We have to refuel, fill up the gas tank?
00:54:55They, well, they said fuel reserve.
00:54:58Uh-huh.
00:54:58I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators
00:55:02into the ship's reserve,
00:55:03probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect.
00:55:06Wait a minute.
00:55:07Uh, okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but are you smart?
00:55:12Uh, I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:16Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:21Candace and Wemmy are very crazy, and Peggy is also very crazy.
00:55:25You seem in a weird way not to be crazy.
00:55:28Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:30Uh, I think you'll be more like you helping me fix this ship,
00:55:33and also I don't need that.
00:55:35I find that to be very encouraging.
00:55:41Hey there, Lust Muffin.
00:55:43What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:45Guess what?
00:55:46What?
00:55:47Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars.
00:55:50I didn't say anything about-
00:55:51I should have seen it earlier.
00:55:52It was right in front of my damn face.
00:55:56Part of my French, I swear now.
00:55:58What are you talking about?
00:55:59I was just in my room indulging my own flesh.
00:56:02Treating my body like a damn playground.
00:56:05What is that?
00:56:06Playing with my private parts, outside of marriage.
00:56:10And I don't give a sh-sh-damn.
00:56:13And guess what?
00:56:14I loved it.
00:56:15Now I get what all the fuss is about.
00:56:17Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:19I'm here to take you up on your offer.
00:56:21I want to do every damn thing.
00:56:26Ah, fuck it.
00:56:30These suits are pretty cool.
00:56:34We just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on Mars.
00:56:37Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:40I mean, it is to me a little bit.
00:56:43I mean, that's a big deal.
00:56:46Oh, Todd, be careful.
00:56:48Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:50Oh, good.
00:56:54Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:56You seem really confident.
00:56:58I don't know anything mechanical.
00:57:00I was an indoor kid.
00:57:02I can't even change a flat.
00:57:07Did that fix it?
00:57:08Is it fixed?
00:57:10If you want to talk to me, you have to press this button.
00:57:16Yeah, I wasn't talking.
00:57:23I can't.
00:57:24It won't go in.
00:57:25It keeps bending.
00:57:27Maybe your butthole's broken.
00:57:29My butthole's not broken, Wimmy.
00:57:30You have to be hard.
00:57:32I'm pretty hard.
00:57:33It just keeps bending, though.
00:57:36Oh, Candace, you need to relax more so I can stuff it in.
00:57:40There.
00:57:40I just got it in.
00:57:42I'm in.
00:57:43We are having sodomy.
00:57:45Wow.
00:57:46You're not in.
00:57:48No, you're right.
00:57:49It's out again.
00:57:50Damn.
00:57:51I gotta say, Todd, I am pretty impressed.
00:57:55Oh, great.
00:57:55I impressed Kyle.
00:57:56That means a lot.
00:57:57When I get home, everyone will be like,
00:57:58Hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:59I'll be like, it was okay.
00:58:00But the real cool thing is while I was up there,
00:58:02I impressed some idiot.
00:58:04Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:06What?
00:58:07What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:09What is your issue with me?
00:58:10Seriously.
00:58:11Seriously?
00:58:12Yeah.
00:58:13I don't like the way you treat women.
00:58:16I'm sorry.
00:58:16Excuse me?
00:58:17The way I treat women.
00:58:18Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:21Did I throw a monitor at her head?
00:58:23It just didn't really sit well with me,
00:58:24the way you were throwing around the B-word back there.
00:58:27She is so mean to me.
00:58:30She's been treating me like this for two years,
00:58:32and she's wrecked the spaceship now,
00:58:33and she's ruined my life.
00:58:35She ruined your life.
00:58:36She came all the way up to Mars for you.
00:58:37She is crazy.
00:58:38Yeah, because you've made her crazy.
00:58:40Look, you're obviously not really committed to your relationship,
00:58:43and you've just been stringing her along
00:58:45instead of manning up and doing the right thing.
00:58:47What, marry her?
00:58:48No, break up with her.
00:58:50Let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her.
00:58:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fix the shit.
00:59:03Wimmy Tilliams is my name, and sinning is my new game.
00:59:06Committing adultery felt that good.
00:59:08I can't imagine how good it must feel to sin even harder.
00:59:21Hey there, handsome devil.
00:59:29When the going gets tough and the road is dark
00:59:33And the trouble never ends
00:59:36There's always one thing that you can count on
00:59:39I'm talking about friends
00:59:42You can always count on friends
00:59:45To lift you up when you are down
00:59:48Friends are always there for you
00:59:52When no one else is around
00:59:56Friends!
00:59:57That's what I'm talking about
00:59:59Friends!
01:00:01You'd be a mess without
01:00:02Friends
01:00:21Buy it on Amazon
01:00:33Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:00:40Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Ribisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney
01:00:46And last but not least
01:00:49We had
01:00:50Brad Pitt
01:00:52Harder than anyone
01:00:53Brad Pitt
01:00:55King of celebrities
01:00:57Yeah!
01:01:02From Cool World to Fight Club
01:01:05He's never let us down
01:01:09Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood
01:01:12Brad Pitt Town
01:01:16Oh shit, I'm singing with my eyes closed again
01:01:18Fuck
01:01:19I just don't understand what you want from me
01:01:22Stop trying to make me the bad guy here
01:01:24Stop acting like one
01:01:26Uh, okay, so sorry about that
01:01:28Uh, you missed a couple things
01:01:30Basically, what happened was
01:01:32While Todd finished fixing the ship
01:01:34Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd was telling him
01:01:37About how he wasn't being fair to her
01:01:39But he still didn't really have the balls to tell her how he honestly felt
01:01:43So she's still confused and unhappy
01:01:46So she got all pissed
01:01:47And then he got all defensive
01:01:50And it was a pretty good scene
01:01:51Anyway, sorry, sorry again
01:01:52Watch for hands!
01:01:54I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle
01:01:57Either love me or let me go
01:02:01Look, I really do care about you, but I
01:02:06Well, by my calculations, we got ten minutes of air left
01:02:09So let's do this thing
01:02:12Had to do some jerry-rigging on the ignition system
01:02:15But this cord should pull enough juice from the main comm board for us to blast off
01:02:18Holy shit, dude, I am so glad you're smart
01:02:21All right, that's it
01:02:23Mars sucks, fuck it
01:02:25Let's go home
01:02:26And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy wants to come with us
01:02:30You better hurry his ass up wherever he is
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:38Fuck!
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck?
01:02:40That was a big sin
01:02:42And Whimmy likey
01:02:44Whimmy likey a lot
01:02:47Oh my God!
01:02:48There is no God up here, Kyle
01:02:49I have abandoned the way of the Lamb
01:02:51I now worship the goat
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices
01:02:58More blood for Satan
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship!
01:03:00What?
01:03:01God, let's go!
01:03:04Becky!
01:03:04Candace, get in the ship!
01:03:06We gotta get out of here!
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy, a cross
01:03:12Jesus!
01:03:13Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:16Huh?
01:03:17Oh!
01:03:18Oh!
01:03:24We're in, we made it, we're all here, huh?
01:03:26Well, Todd's dead
01:03:27Right, yeah, that's, uh, right, yeah
01:03:29That, that's, that's too bad
01:03:31And Elrond died!
01:03:33Shit, right, yeah, he, he also died
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right?
01:03:41Come on, let's just get out of here
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars
01:03:44Ignition in ten
01:03:47Nine
01:03:48Eight
01:03:49Oh, good!
01:03:50Whimmy's better!
01:03:51What?
01:03:51Five
01:03:52Four
01:03:53Three
01:03:55What's happening?
01:03:57Where are we going?
01:03:58Where's two?
01:03:58Where's one?
01:04:00Face me!
01:04:01Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh, this fucking guy is ridiculous
01:04:06Fuck
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace
01:04:09No, you are not doing this again
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you
01:04:13I, I just
01:04:16I don't love you
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself
01:04:20But I also know that you
01:04:22You deserve someone that does
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger
01:04:33Whimmy, get away from the court
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya
01:04:41Jesus Christ
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ
01:04:47Kyle
01:04:48Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there
01:04:51And I'm gonna pick up the court
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:54Da, da, da
01:04:55Sub-zero
01:04:56Da, da, da
01:04:57Sub-zero
01:04:57Da, da, da
01:04:59Da, da, da
01:04:59Sub-zero
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us
01:05:08Locked in battle
01:05:09You know what, sir?
01:05:10Oh!
01:05:12Ow!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:14Un-pull me
01:05:14Oh
01:05:15What?
01:05:17Ah!
01:05:19Kyle!
01:05:20Hey!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:24I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks, to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé,
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw, on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why do they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here.
01:07:56Think, Cooter. Think! I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papa Nero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:07Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle. I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler. They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:31I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know! Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic, cyber, anthropomorphic, utility
01:09:48systems, treatment, worldwide, analytics, software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated! They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in! Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit! This will be some drama! Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes! I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years! Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:22Yes!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh! My skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny.
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs! That's the fucking spaceship! They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda,
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple!
01:12:18Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked! How am I breathing?
01:12:29God? Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter!
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck?
01:12:48What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:14Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:15Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:58I'm out of ammo!
01:14:00No!
01:14:01No!
01:14:05No!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada, a horrific scene
01:14:15that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:22Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell, the now disgraced billionaire had
01:14:28elaborately faked his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:33in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive
01:14:39names.
01:14:40Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here
01:14:49on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys.
01:14:52Had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from
01:15:05the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey!
01:15:14How'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing alright?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:31So, I guess this is it.
01:15:35It.
01:15:36Yeah.
01:15:37I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that
01:15:56gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true it was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:40I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists, I could finally fake my death
01:16:45and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean? How so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give us our funding
01:17:18back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me? I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah. The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:53Are you fucking kidding me? Cause she's, I mean, she's like, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:10What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video? Sandy?
01:18:20What do you mean, everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here. Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll like her be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:37You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:18:52Oh, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:26I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:35From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:20:00którzy are you out to beный.
01:20:03Yes, yes.
01:20:03And maybe you.
01:20:10That's the first thing.
01:20:12Come here to go this guy like this canavÃa locky.
01:20:13Your kiss is toned by Michael Carring News Innovations.
01:20:15How are you your gift?
01:20:15Oh, wait.
01:22:19And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:33Friends, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:39They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friendship never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stephanie.
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:54Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:00God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt, you would be dead without Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy, where is the Oscar for Brad Pitt?
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because, oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
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