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When Harry Met Sally... (1989) Part One (ENG) HD [Full Movie] [Official Release]Full EP - Full
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02:00I'm going to marry her and two weeks later we were married and it's over 50 years later
02:08and we are still married.
02:16It's very clear
02:20I love this year to stay
02:24I love you.
02:26I love you.
02:26Not for a whole year
02:30Whatever and the day
02:35Oh, the radio and the telephone
02:59Oh, hi, Sally.
03:03Sally, this is Harry Burns.
03:05Harry, this is Sally Albright.
03:06Nice to meet you.
03:08You want to drive the first shift?
03:09No, you're there already.
03:10You can start.
03:11Back's open.
03:14Call me.
03:16I'll call you as soon as I get there.
03:18Oh, call me from the road.
03:20I'll call you before then.
03:22I love you.
03:23I love you.
03:24I love you.
03:29Sorry.
03:31I miss you already.
03:32Bye.
03:32I miss you already.
03:34Bye.
03:35Bye.
03:36Bye.
03:53I have it all figured out.
03:55It's an 18-hour trip
03:56which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each
03:58or alternatively we could break it down by mileage.
04:02There's a map on the visor
04:06that I've marked to show the locations
04:08where we can change shifts.
04:10Great.
04:12No, I don't like to eat between meals.
04:19I'll roll down the window.
04:29Why don't you tell me the story of your life?
04:34Story of my life?
04:35We've got 18 hours to kill before we hit New York.
04:38The story of my life isn't even going to get us out of Chicago.
04:41I mean, nothing's happened to me yet.
04:43That's why I'm going to New York.
04:44So something can happen to you?
04:45Yes.
04:45Like what?
04:47Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter.
04:49So you can write about things that happen to other people.
04:53That's one way to look at it.
04:55Suppose nothing happens to you.
04:57Suppose you've lived there your whole life
04:58and nothing happens,
04:58you never meet anybody,
04:59you never become anything,
05:00and finally you die one of those New York deaths
05:02that nobody notices for two weeks
05:04until the smell drifts into the hallway.
05:09Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
05:11That's what drew to me.
05:12Your dark side?
05:13Sure.
05:13Why don't you have a dark side?
05:16You're probably one of those cheerful people
05:17with doubts that arise with little hearts.
05:19I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
05:22Oh, really?
05:23When I buy a new book,
05:24I always read the last page first.
05:26That way, in case I die,
05:27before I finish, I know how it ends.
05:28That, my friend, is a dark side.
05:31That doesn't mean you're deep or anything.
05:33I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person.
05:36So am I.
05:36And I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.
05:38Of course not.
05:39You're too busy being happy.
05:40You ever think about death?
05:42Yes.
05:43Sure you do.
05:43A fleeting thought that drifts in and out
05:45of the transom of your mind.
05:46I spend hours.
05:47I spend days.
05:48And you think this makes you a better person?
05:50No.
05:51When the shit comes down,
05:52I'm gonna be prepared,
05:52and you're not.
05:53That's all I'm saying.
05:54In the meantime,
05:54you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.
06:05You're wrong.
06:06I'm not wrong.
06:07You're wrong.
06:08He wants her to leave.
06:09That's why he puts her on the plane.
06:10I don't think she wants to stay.
06:12Of course she wants to stay.
06:13Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart
06:15than the other guy?
06:16I don't want to spend the rest of my life
06:18in Casablanca,
06:19married to a man who runs a bar.
06:21That probably sounds very snobbish to you,
06:23but I don't.
06:24You'd rather be in a passionless marriage.
06:26And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia.
06:28Then live with a man you've had
06:29the greatest sex of your life with
06:31just because he owns a bar
06:32and that is all he does.
06:34Yes.
06:35And so with any woman in her right mind,
06:37women are very practical,
06:39even Ingrid Bergman,
06:40which is why she gets on the plane
06:41at the end of the movie.
06:46I understand.
06:49What?
06:50What?
06:51Nothing.
06:52What?
06:53Forget about it.
06:54What?
06:55Forget about what?
06:56It's not important.
06:57Just tell me.
06:59Obviously, you haven't had great sex yet.
07:02Two, please.
07:04Right over there.
07:04Yes, I have.
07:06No, you haven't.
07:07It just so happens
07:08that I have had plenty of good sex.
07:29With whom?
07:31What?
07:32With whom did you have this great sex?
07:35I'm not gonna tell you that.
07:37Fine, don't tell me.
07:45Shell Gordon.
07:47Shell?
07:48Sheldon?
07:48No.
07:49No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.
07:52I did, too.
07:53No, you didn't.
07:55A Sheldon can do you income taxes.
07:57If you need a root canal,
07:59Sheldon's your name.
08:00But humping and pumping
08:00is not Sheldon's strong suit.
08:02It's a name.
08:03Do it to me, Sheldon.
08:04You're an animal, Sheldon.
08:05Ride me big, Sheldon.
08:08Doesn't work.
08:09Hi.
08:11What can I get you?
08:12I'll have a number three.
08:14I'd like the chef salad, please,
08:16with the oil and vinegar on the side
08:17and the apple pie a la mode.
08:19Chef, an apple a la mode.
08:22But I'd like the pie heated,
08:23and I don't want the ice cream on top.
08:25I want it on the side,
08:26and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it.
08:28If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream,
08:30but only if it's real.
08:31If it's out of a can, then nothing.
08:33Not even the pie?
08:34No, just the pie, but then not heated.
08:37Uh-huh.
08:37Come on.
08:43What?
08:44Nothing, nothing.
08:48So how come you broke up with Sheldon?
08:50How do you know we broke up?
08:51Because if you didn't break up,
08:53you wouldn't be here with me.
08:54You'd be off with Sheldon the Wonderschlag.
08:57First of all, I am not with you.
09:00And second of all,
09:02it is none of your business why we broke up.
09:04You're right, you're right.
09:06I don't want to know.
09:10Well, if you must know,
09:12it was because he was very jealous,
09:13and I had these days of the week underpants.
09:16I'm sorry, I need the judges ruling on this.
09:18Days of the week underpants.
09:20Yes.
09:21They had the days of the week on them,
09:22and I thought they were sort of funny.
09:24And then one day, Sheldon says to me,
09:26you never wear Sunday.
09:28It's all suspicious.
09:29Where was Sunday?
09:30Where had I left Sunday?
09:31And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
09:34What?
09:35They don't make Sunday.
09:37Why not?
09:39Because of God.
09:45Okay, so 15% of my share is...
09:49$96.
09:55It's what you said.
10:00What?
10:03Do I have something on my face?
10:06You're a very attractive person.
10:12Amanda never said how attractive you are.
10:15Well, maybe she doesn't think I'm attractive.
10:17I don't think it's a matter of opinion.
10:19Empirically, you are attractive.
10:24Amanda is my friend.
10:26So?
10:27So you're going with her.
10:29So?
10:30So you're coming on to meet me.
10:33No, I wasn't.
10:36What?
10:38Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come on?
10:42All right, all right.
10:44Let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come on.
10:48What do you want me to do about it?
10:50I take it back, okay?
10:52I take it back.
10:53You can't take it back.
10:54Why not?
10:55Because it's already out there.
10:57Oh, geez, what are we supposed to do?
10:59Call the cops?
11:00It's already out there.
11:01Just let it lie.
11:04Okay?
11:05Great.
11:06Let it lie.
11:07That's my policy.
11:09That's what I always say.
11:10Let it lie.
11:12Want to spend the night in a motel?
11:14See what I did?
11:15I didn't let it lie.
11:16Harry.
11:16I said I would and then I didn't.
11:17Harry.
11:18I went the other way.
11:18Harry.
11:19What?
11:20We are just going to be friends, okay?
11:23Great, friends.
11:23It's the best thing.
11:26You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
11:29Why not?
11:31What I'm saying is, and this is not a come on in any way, shape, or form,
11:35is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
11:42That's not true.
11:43I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
11:47No, you don't.
11:47Yes, I do.
11:48No, you don't.
11:48Yes, I do.
11:49I only think you do.
11:50You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
11:53No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
11:56They do not.
11:57Do, too.
11:58They do not.
11:59Do, too.
12:00How do you know?
12:01Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive.
12:04He always wants to have sex with her.
12:07So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
12:12No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
12:16What if they don't want to have sex with you?
12:18It doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there,
12:21so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
12:25Well, I guess we're not going to be friends, then.
12:27Guess not.
12:28That's too bad.
12:30You were the only person that I knew in New York.
12:32You say neither, I say either.
12:37You say neither, and I say neither.
12:40Neither, either, neither, neither.
12:44And let's call the whole thing off.
12:47Yes, you like potato.
12:50I like potato.
12:52You like tomato.
12:54I like tomato.
12:56Potato, potato, tomato, tomato.
13:00And let's call the whole thing off.
13:11Thanks for the ride.
13:13Yeah, it was interesting.
13:15It was nice knowing you.
13:17Yeah.
13:27Well, have a nice life.
13:30You too.
13:31You too.
13:49We fell in love in high school.
13:51Yeah, we were high school sweethearts.
13:53But then after our junior year,
14:12it was just as though not a single day had gone by.
14:16She was just as beautiful as she was at 16.
14:20He was just the same.
14:23He looked exactly the same.
14:36He looked for each other in the same way then.
14:42But I can't remember when or when.
14:58Joe, I thought it was you.
15:00I thought it was you, Harry Burns.
15:02Harry, Harry, how you doing?
15:03Good.
15:04How you doing?
15:05I'm fine.
15:05I'm doing fine.
15:06That's great.
15:07I was just walking by, and I thought it was you,
15:08and there it is.
15:09It's you.
15:09Yeah, yeah, it was.
15:11You still with the DA's office?
15:12No, I switched to the other side.
15:14What about you?
15:15I work with a small firm.
15:16We do political consulting.
15:18Yeah, it's been great.
15:21Oh, Harry, this is Sally Albright, Harry Burns.
15:24Harry and I, we used to live in the same building.
15:27Yeah.
15:31Well, listen, I got a plane to catch.
15:32It was really good to see you, Joe.
15:33You too, Harry.
15:34Bye.
15:42Thank God he couldn't place me.
15:43I drove from college to New York with him five years ago,
15:46and it was the longest night of my life.
15:50What happened?
15:51He made a pass at me, and when I said no,
15:53he was going with a girlfriend of mine.
15:57Oh, God, I can't remember her name.
16:00Don't get involved with me, Joe.
16:02I am 26 years old, and I can't even remember
16:04the name of the girl I was such good friends with,
16:06I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend.
16:08So what happened?
16:10When?
16:11When he made a pass at you, you said no.
16:13Oh, oh.
16:14I said we could just be friends.
16:17And this part I remember.
16:18He said that men and women could never really be friends.
16:22Do you think that's true?
16:25No.
16:27Do you have any women friends, just friends?
16:30No.
16:32But I will get one if it's important.
16:37I will get one if it's important.
16:38Amanda Reese, that was her name.
16:40Thank God.
16:42I will miss you.
16:43I love you.
16:45You do?
16:47Yes.
16:50I love you.
16:52I love you.
16:55I love you.
16:56I love you.
16:57I love you.
17:00I love you.
17:01I love you.
17:16And what would you like to drink?
17:17Nothing, thanks.
17:19Do you have any Bloody Mary mix?
17:20Yes.
17:21No.
17:21Wait.
17:22Here's what I want.
17:24Regular tomato juice, filled up about three quarters,
17:26then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix,
17:28just a splash, and a little piece of lime, but on the side.
17:31The University of Chicago, right?
17:34Yes.
17:35Did you look this good at the University of Chicago?
17:38No.
17:39Did we ever...
17:41No.
17:41No.
17:43We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation.
17:47Would you two like to sit together?
17:49Great.
17:50Great.
17:57You were a good friend of, um...
18:01Amanda's.
18:02I can't believe you can't remember her name.
18:04What do you mean?
18:05I can remember Amanda, right?
18:06Amanda Rice.
18:07Reese.
18:07Reese, right.
18:08That's what I said.
18:08Whatever happened to her?
18:09I have no idea.
18:11You have no idea?
18:12You were really good friends with her.
18:14We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
18:16You went with her.
18:17And was it worth it, the sacrifice for a friend
18:19that you don't even keep in touch with?
18:21Harry, you might not believe this,
18:23but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
18:27Fair enough.
18:29Fair enough.
18:33You were gonna be a gymnast.
18:34A journalist.
18:35Right, that's what I said.
18:36And?
18:37I am a journalist.
18:38I work at the news.
18:39Great.
18:40And you're with Joe.
18:42Well, that's great.
18:44Great.
18:45You're together, what, three weeks?
18:48A month.
18:49How did you know that?
18:51You take someone to the airport,
18:52it's clearly the beginning of a relationship.
18:54That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport
18:56at the beginning of a relationship.
18:58Why?
18:59Because eventually things move on
19:00and you don't take someone to the airport
19:02and I never wanted anyone to say to me,
19:04how come you never take me to the airport anymore?
19:07It's amazing.
19:08You look like a normal person,
19:10but actually you are the angel of death.
19:13Are you gonna marry him?
19:16We have only known each other for a month
19:18and besides,
19:18neither one of us is looking to get married right now.
19:21I'm getting married.
19:22You are?
19:23Mm-hmm.
19:25You are?
19:26Yeah.
19:28Who is she?
19:29Helen Hilson.
19:30She's a lawyer.
19:31She's keeping her name.
19:33You're getting married.
19:35Yeah.
19:37What's so funny about that?
19:38It's, yeah.
19:42It's just so optimistic of you, Harry.
19:44Well, you'd be amazed
19:45what falling madly in love can do for you.
19:47Well, it's wonderful.
19:49It's nice to see you embracing life in this manner.
19:51Yeah, plus, you know,
19:52you just get to a certain point
19:53where you get tired of the whole thing.
19:55What whole thing?
19:57The whole life of a single guy thing.
19:59You meet someone,
20:00you have the safe lunch,
20:01you decide you like each other enough
20:02to move on to dinner.
20:03You go dancing,
20:04you do the white man's overbite,
20:07go back to her place,
20:08you have sex,
20:09and the minute you're finished,
20:10you know what goes through your mind?
20:11How long do I have to lie here
20:13and hold her before I can get up
20:14and go home?
20:15Is 30 seconds enough?
20:17That's what you're thinking?
20:19Is that true?
20:20Sure.
20:21All men think that.
20:23How long do you like to be held afterwards?
20:25All night, right?
20:26See, that's the problem.
20:27Somewhere between 30 seconds
20:29and all night is your problem.
20:30I don't have a problem.
20:32Yeah, either.
20:40I don't have a problem.
20:48I don't have a problem.
20:48Staying over?
20:50Yes.
20:51Would you like to have dinner?
20:53Just friends?
20:54I thought you didn't believe
20:56men and women could be friends.
20:57When did I say that?
20:58On the ride to New York.
20:59No, no, no, no.
21:00I never said this.
21:02Yes, that's right.
21:04They can't be friends.
21:06Unless both of them are involved
21:08with other people, then they can.
21:09This is an amendment to the earlier rule.
21:11If the two people are in relationships,
21:13the pressure of possible involvement
21:14is lifted.
21:16That doesn't work either,
21:18because what happens then
21:18is the person you're involved with
21:19can't understand why you need to be friends
21:21with the person you're just friends with.
21:22Like it means something is missing
21:24from the relationship
21:24and wanting to go outside to get it.
21:26Then when you say,
21:27no, no, no, no, it's not true.
21:28Nothing is missing from the relationship.
21:29The person you're involved with
21:30then accuses you
21:31of being secretly attracted
21:32to the person you're just friends with,
21:34which it probably are.
21:35I mean, come on.
21:35Who the hell are we kidding?
21:36Let's face it.
21:37Which brings us back
21:38to the earlier rule
21:38before the amendment,
21:39which is men and women can't be friends.
21:41So where does it leave us?
21:42Harry?
21:44Goodbye.
21:46Okay.
21:55I'll just stop walking.
21:56I'll let you go ahead.
22:01We were married 40 years ago.
22:04We were married three years.
22:05We got a divorce.
22:06Then I married Marjorie.
22:08But first you lived with Barbara.
22:09Right, Barbara.
22:10But I didn't marry Barbara.
22:12I married Marjorie.
22:13Then you got a divorce.
22:15Right.
22:15Then I married Katie.
22:17Another divorce.
22:18Then a couple of years later
22:19at Eddie Colicchio's funeral,
22:21I ran into her.
22:23I was with some girl
22:24I don't even remember.
22:26Roberta.
22:27Right, Roberta.
22:29But I couldn't take my eyes off you.
22:31I remember I snuck over to her
22:33and I said,
22:35what did I say?
22:36You said,
22:37what are you doing after?
22:38Right.
22:39So I ditched Roberta.
22:40We go for coffee.
22:41A month later,
22:42we're married.
22:4335 years today
22:44after our first marriage.
22:49I went through his pockets, okay?
22:51Mommy,
22:51why do you go through his pockets?
22:53You know what I found?
22:54You know what?
22:55They just bought a dining room table.
22:56He and his wife
22:57just went out
22:57and spent $1,600
22:58on a dining room table.
23:00Where?
23:01The point isn't where, Alice.
23:03The point is
23:03he's never gonna leave her.
23:05So what else is new?
23:06You've known this for two years.
23:08You're right.
23:08You're right.
23:09I know you're right.
23:10Why can't you find someone single?
23:12When I was single,
23:12I knew lots of nice single men.
23:14There must be someone.
23:16Sally found someone.
23:17Well, Sally got the last good one.
23:19Joe and I broke up.
23:21What?
23:22When?
23:22Monday.
23:23You waited three days
23:24to tell us?
23:25You mean Joe's available?
23:26For God's sakes, Marie,
23:27don't you have any feelings about this?
23:29She's obviously upset.
23:30I'm not that upset.
23:31We've been growing apart
23:32for quite a while.
23:33What?
23:33You guys were a couple.
23:35You had someone to go places with.
23:36You had a date
23:37on national holidays.
23:39I said to myself,
23:40you deserve more than this.
23:41You're 31 years old.
23:42And the clock is ticking.
23:44No, the clock doesn't really
23:45start to tick
23:45until you're 36.
23:47God, you're in such great shape.
23:49Well, I've had a few days
23:50to get used to it,
23:51and I feel okay.
23:54Good.
23:54Then you're ready.
23:57Really, Marie?
23:59Well, how else
23:59do you think you'd do it?
24:00I've got the perfect guy.
24:02I don't happen
24:03to find him attractive,
24:04but you might.
24:04She doesn't have
24:05a problem with chins.
24:07Marie, I'm not ready yet.
24:09You just said
24:09you were over him.
24:10I am over him,
24:12but I'm in a mourning period.
24:16Who is it?
24:18Alex Anderson.
24:19Oh.
24:20You fixed me up
24:21with him six years ago.
24:23I'm sorry.
24:25God.
24:26All right, wait.
24:27Here.
24:27Here we go.
24:28Ken Darman.
24:30He's been married
24:31for over a year.
24:32Really?
24:35Married.
24:36Oh, wait.
24:37Wait, wait.
24:38Look.
24:38I got one.
24:39There is no point
24:40in my going out
24:41with someone
24:41I might really like
24:42if I met him
24:43at the right time,
24:43but who right now
24:44has no chance
24:45of being anything
24:46to me but a transitional man.
24:47Okay.
24:48But don't wait too long.
24:50Remember what happened
24:51with David Warsaw?
24:52His wife left him
24:53and everyone said,
24:54give him some time,
24:55don't move him too fast.
24:57Six months later,
24:58he was dead.
25:00What are you saying?
25:00I should get married
25:01to someone right away
25:02in case he's about to die.
25:03At least you could say
25:04you were married.
25:06I'm saying
25:07that the right man
25:08for you might be
25:09out there right now
25:09and if you don't grab him,
25:11someone else will
25:11and you'll have to spend
25:12the rest of your life
25:13knowing that someone else
25:14is married to your husband.
25:20Let it!
25:22Let it!
25:37When did this happen?
25:39Friday.
25:40Helen comes home from work
25:41and she says,
25:42I don't know
25:43if I want to be married anymore.
25:45Like it's the institution.
25:46You know,
25:46like it's nothing personal,
25:47just something she's been thinking
25:48about in a casual way.
25:50I'm calm.
25:51I say,
25:52why don't we take some time
25:53to think about it?
25:54You know,
25:54don't rush into anything.
25:55Yeah, right.
25:56Next day,
25:57she says she's thought about it
25:58and she wants a trial separation.
26:00She just wants to try it,
26:01she says.
26:02But we can still date.
26:03Like this is supposed
26:04to cushion the blow.
26:05I mean,
26:06I got married so I could
26:06stop dating.
26:07So I don't see where
26:08we can still date
26:09as any big incentive
26:10since the last thing
26:11you want to do
26:11is date your wife
26:12who's supposed to love you.
26:13Which is what I'm saying to her
26:14when it occurs to me
26:15that maybe she doesn't.
26:17So I say to her,
26:19don't you love me anymore?
26:20Do you know what she says?
26:22I don't know
26:22if I've ever loved you.
26:24Ooh, that's harsh.
26:26Don't bounce back
26:27from that right away.
26:28Thanks, Jess.
26:29No, I'm a writer.
26:30I know dialogue
26:31and that's particularly harsh.
26:33Then she tells me
26:34that somebody in her office
26:35is going to South America
26:36and she can sublet his apartment.
26:38I can't believe this.
26:39And the doorbell rings.
26:41I can sublet his apartment.
26:42The words are still
26:43hanging in the air,
26:44you know,
26:44like in a balloon
26:45attached to a mouth.
26:46Like a cartoon.
26:46Right.
26:47So I go to the door
26:48and there are moving men there.
26:50Now I start to get suspicious.
26:52I say,
26:53Helen,
26:53when did you call these movers?
26:55And she doesn't say anything.
26:56So I ask the movers,
26:57when did this woman
26:58book you for this gig?
26:59And they're just standing there.
27:00Three huge guys,
27:01one of them wearing a t-shirt
27:02that says,
27:03don't fuck with Mr. Zero.
27:05So I said,
27:05Helen,
27:06when did you make this arrangement?
27:08She says,
27:09a week ago.
27:10I said,
27:11you've known for a week
27:12and you didn't tell me?
27:13And she says,
27:15I didn't want to ruin
27:15your birthday.
27:19You're saying Mr. Zero
27:20knew you were getting
27:21a divorce a week
27:22before you did?
27:23Mr. Zero, no.
27:24I can't believe this.
27:25I haven't told you
27:25the bad part yet.
27:26What could be worse
27:27than Mr. Zero knowing?
27:29It's all a lie.
27:32She's in love
27:32with somebody else.
27:34Some tax attorney.
27:36She moved in with him.
27:37How did you find out?
27:40I followed her.
27:41I stood outside the building.
27:42So you humiliated her.
27:44Tell me not.
27:45And you know I knew?
27:47I knew the whole time
27:48that even though we were happy
27:49it was just an illusion
27:50and that one day
27:51she would kick the shit out of me.
27:53Marriages don't break up
27:54on account of infidelity.
27:56It's just a symptom
27:57that something else is wrong.
27:58Really?
27:59Well, that symptom
28:00is fucking my wife.
28:06So I just happened
28:07to see his American Express bill.
28:10What do you mean
28:11he just happened
28:11to see it?
28:13Well, he was shaving
28:14and there it was
28:15in his briefcase.
28:16What if he came out
28:17and saw you looking
28:18through his briefcase?
28:19You're missing the point
28:20of telling you
28:21what I found.
28:22He just spent
28:24$120
28:24on a new night count
28:26for his wife.
28:28I don't think
28:29he's ever gonna leave her.
28:31No one thinks
28:32he's ever gonna leave her.
28:33You're right.
28:34You're right.
28:35I know you're right.
28:52Someone is staring
28:53at you in personal growth.
28:58I know him.
29:00You'd like him.
29:00He's married.
29:02Who is he?
29:04Harry Burns.
29:05He's a political consultant.
29:07He's cute.
29:08You think he's cute?
29:10How do you know
29:11he's married?
29:12It was last time
29:13I saw him
29:13he was getting married.
29:14When was that?
29:16Six years ago.
29:18So he might not
29:18be married anymore.
29:21Also, he's obnoxious.
29:23This is just like
29:24in the movies, remember?
29:25The lady vanishes
29:25when she says to him,
29:26you're the most obnoxious man
29:27I've ever met.
29:27The most contemptible.
29:28Then they fall madly in love.
29:30Also, he never remembers me.
29:32Sally Albright.
29:35Hi, Harry.
29:37I thought it was you.
29:38It is.
29:39Yeah.
29:40This is Marie.
29:42What is Marie?
29:44Who are you?
29:45Fine.
29:46How's Joe?
29:48Fine.
29:49I hear he's fine.
29:51You're not with Joe anymore?
29:53We just broke up.
29:55Oh.
29:56I'm sorry.
29:57That's too bad.
29:59Yeah.
30:00Well, you know.
30:02Yeah.
30:03So.
30:05What about you?
30:07I'm fine.
30:08How's married life?
30:11Not so good.
30:12I am getting a divorce.
30:14Oh, I'm sorry.
30:16No, I'm really sorry.
30:19Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
30:22What happened to you guys?
30:24When Joe and I started seeing each other,
30:25we wanted exactly the same thing.
30:28We wanted to live together,
30:29but we didn't want to get married
30:30because every time anyone we knew got married,
30:32it ruined their relationship.
30:34They practically never had sex again.
30:36It's true.
30:37It's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you.
30:40I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids,
30:42and actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice,
30:46and she would complain about how she and Gary
30:48never did it anymore.
30:50She didn't even complain about it,
30:52now that I think about it.
30:53She just said it matter-of-factly.
30:54She said they were up all night.
30:56They were both exhausted all the time.
30:57The kids just took every sexual impulse
30:59they had out of them.
31:03Joe and I used to talk about it,
31:04and we'd say, you know, we're so lucky.
31:06We have this wonderful relationship.
31:07We can have sex on the kitchen floor
31:10and not worry about the kids walking in.
31:12We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice.
31:17And then one day,
31:18I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon
31:20because I promised to take her to the circus,
31:22and we were in the cab playing I Spy.
31:26I Spy a mailbox.
31:27I Spy a lamppost.
31:29And she looked out the window,
31:31and she saw this man and this woman
31:33with these two little kids,
31:34and the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders.
31:37And she said,
31:39I spy a family.
31:42And I started to cry.
31:44You know, I just started crying.
31:48And I went home, and I said,
31:50the thing is, Joe,
31:51we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice.
31:54And the kitchen floor.
31:56Not once.
31:58It's this very cold, hard,
32:00Mexican ceramic tile.
32:02Hmm.
32:04Anyway,
32:05we talked about it for a long time,
32:07and I said,
32:08this is what I want,
32:09and he said,
32:09well, I don't.
32:11And I said,
32:12well, I guess it's over,
32:13and he left.
32:17And the thing is,
32:18I feel really fine.
32:21I am over him.
32:22I mean,
32:23I really am over him.
32:24That was it for him.
32:26That was the most that he could give,
32:28and every time I think about it,
32:29I am more and more convinced
32:30that I did the right thing.
32:33Boy, you sound really healthy.
32:35Yeah.
32:37At least I got the apartment.
32:39That's what everybody says to me, too.
32:41But really,
32:41what's so hard about finding an apartment?
32:44What you do is,
32:44you read the obituary column.
32:46You find out who died,
32:47go to the building,
32:48and then you tip the dormit.
32:50What they could do to make it easier
32:51is combine the obituaries
32:52with the real estate section.
32:54Say, then you have Mr. Klein died today,
32:56leaving a wife,
32:56two children,
32:57and a spacious three-bedroom apartment
32:59with a wood-burning fireplace.
33:00See?
33:05You know,
33:05the first time we met,
33:06I really didn't like you that much.
33:08I didn't like you.
33:09Yeah, you did.
33:09You were just so uptight then.
33:11You're much softer now.
33:13You know,
33:14I hate that kind of remark.
33:15It sounds like a compliment,
33:16but really,
33:17it's an insult.
33:17Okay.
33:18You're still as hard as nails.
33:20I just didn't want to sleep with you,
33:21and you had to write it off
33:22as a character flaw
33:23instead of dealing with a possibility
33:25that it might have something
33:26to do with you.
33:29What's the statute of limitations
33:30on apologies?
33:33Ten years.
33:34Ooh, I can just get it in
33:35under the water.
33:42Would you like to have dinner
33:43with me sometime?
33:45Are we becoming friends now?
33:49Well,
33:52yeah.
33:55Grace,
33:56a woman friend.
33:59You know,
33:59you may be the first
34:00attractive woman
34:01I have not wanted to sleep
34:02with in my entire life.
34:04That's wonderful, Harry.
34:07We were both born
34:09in the same hospital.
34:101921.
34:11Seven days apart.
34:13In the same hospital.
34:14We both grew up
34:15one block away from each other.
34:17On the Lower East Side.
34:18On Delancey Street.
34:20My family moved to the Bronx
34:21when I was 10.
34:22He lived on Fordham Road.
34:23Hers moved when she was 11.
34:25I lived on 183rd Street.
34:26For six years,
34:27she worked on the 15th floor
34:29I worked for a very prominent
34:30neurologist,
34:32where I had a practice
34:33on the 14th floor
34:34of the very same building.
34:35We never met.
34:37Never met.
34:37Can you imagine that?
34:39You know where we met?
34:40In an elevator.
34:41I was visiting family.
34:42And the Ambassador Hotel
34:43in Chicago with the noise.
34:44He was on the 3rd floor.
34:46I was on the 12th.
34:47I wrote up nine extra floors
34:49just to keep talking to her.
34:51Nine extra floors.
35:03Hello?
35:04You sleeping?
35:06No, I was watching Casablanca.
35:08Channel, please.
35:0911.
35:11Got it.
35:12Now, you're telling me
35:13you would be happy
35:14with Victor Laszlo
35:14than with Humphrey Bogart?
35:16When did I say that?
35:17When we drove to New York.
35:19I never said that.
35:20I would never have said that.
35:21All right, fine.
35:22Have it your way.
35:25Have you been sleeping?
35:27Why?
35:28Because I haven't been sleeping.
35:30I really miss Helen.
35:33Maybe I'm coming down
35:34or something.
35:35Last night,
35:35I was up at 4 in the morning
35:36watching Levert the Beaver
35:37in Spanish.
35:38Buenos dias, Senor Cleaver.
35:40Donde este Wallace or Theodore?
35:42I'm not well.
35:44Well, I went to bed
35:45at 7.30 last night.
35:46I haven't done that
35:47since the third grade.
35:48Well, that's the good thing
35:49about depression.
35:49Get your rest.
35:51I'm not depressed.
35:53Okay, fine.
35:54Do you still sleep
35:55on the same side of the bed?
35:57I did for a while,
35:58but now I'm pretty much
35:59using the whole bed.
36:00God, that's great.
36:02I feel weird
36:03when just my leg wanders over.
36:05I miss her.
36:08I don't miss him.
36:09I really don't.
36:10Not even a little?
36:11You know what I miss?
36:14I miss the idea of him.
36:18Maybe I only miss
36:19the idea, villain.
36:21No, I miss the whole Helen.
36:27Last scene.
36:35Oh, Ingrid Bergman.
36:37Now, she's low-maintenance.
36:39Low-maintenance?
36:40There are two kinds of women.
36:41High-maintenance
36:42and low-maintenance.
36:43And Ingrid Bergman
36:44is low-maintenance?
36:46NLM, definitely.
36:48Which one am I?
36:49You're the worst kind.
36:50You're high-maintenance,
36:51but you think
36:52you're low-maintenance.
36:53I don't see that.
36:54You don't see that?
36:55Waiter,
36:56I'll begin with a house salad,
36:57but I don't want
36:58the regular dressing.
36:59I'll have the balsamic vinegar
37:00and oil,
37:00but on the side.
37:01And then the salmon
37:02with the mustard sauce,
37:03but I want the mustard sauce
37:04on the side.
37:05On the side is a very
37:06big thing for you.
37:07Well, I just want it
37:08the way I want it.
37:09I know.
37:09High-maintenance.
37:16Ooh, best last line
37:23of a movie ever.
37:26Hmm.
37:28I'm definitely
37:29coming down
37:29with something.
37:31Probably a 24-hour tumor
37:32they're going around.
37:33You don't have a tumor.
37:34How do you know?
37:35If you're so worried,
37:36go see a doctor.
37:37No, he'll just tell me
37:38it's nothing.
37:40Will you be able to sleep?
37:41If not, I'll be okay.
37:43What'll you do?
37:44I'll stay up and moan.
37:46Maybe I should practice now.
37:54Good night, Harry.
37:57Good night.
37:58What's up?
38:08Come on.
38:12Mm.
38:18Mm.
38:20Mm.
38:23Mm.
38:24Mm.
38:25Mm.
38:26Mm.
38:26Mm.
38:35I had my dream again, where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching.
38:39I'd nailed the compulsory, so this is it, the finals.
38:42I got a 9.8 from the Canadian, a perfect 10 from the American,
38:46and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6.
38:49Must have been a dismount.
38:52Basically, it's the same one I've been having since I was 12.
38:55What happens?
38:56No, it's too embarrassing.
38:58Don't tell me.
38:59Okay, there's this guy.
39:01What's he look like?
39:02I don't know, he's just kind of faceless.
39:04Faceless guy, okay, then what?
39:08He rips off my clothes.
39:10Then what happens?
39:12That's it.
39:15That's it?
39:16A faceless guy rips off your clothes, and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were 12.
39:21Exactly the same.
39:22Well, sometimes I varied it a little.
39:24Which part?
39:26What I'm wearing.
39:32What?
39:34Nothing.
39:37I have decided that for the rest of the day, we are going to talk like this.
39:43Like this?
39:44No.
39:45Please, to repeat after me.
39:47Pepper.
39:47Pepper.
39:49Pepper.
39:49Pepper.
39:51Pepper.
39:51Pepper.
39:51Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
39:56Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
39:59On my paprikash.
40:00But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
40:05Oh, no.
40:06Because I would be proud?
40:07But I would be proud.
40:08To partake.
40:08To partake.
40:09Of your pecan pie.
40:11Of your pecan pie.
40:13Pecan pie.
40:14Pecan pie.
40:14Pecan pie.
40:15Pecan pie.
40:18would you like to go to the movies with me tonight would you like to go but not to repeat
40:22please to answer would you like to go to the movies with me tonight oh oh well i'd love to
40:30harry but i can't why do you have a hot date well yeah yeah really yeah i was gonna tell
40:39you about
40:39it but i don't know i just i felt strange about it why well because we've been spending so much
40:44time together oh i think it's great that you have a date you do yeah is that what you're gonna
40:57wear
40:57yeah well i don't know why i think you should wear skirts more you look really good in skirts
41:06i do yeah you know i have a theory that hieroglyphics are really an ancient comic strip
41:14about a character named sphinxie you know harry i think you should get out there too oh i'm not
41:19ready you should i would not be good for anybody right now it's time it was the most uncomfortable
41:26night of my life so you know it has to go this way the first date back is always the
41:33toughest harry
41:34you only had one date how do you know it's not gonna get worse how much worse can it get
41:40than
41:40finishing dinner having him reach over pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it
41:45at the table we're talking dream date compared to my horror it started out fine she's a very nice
41:51person and we're sitting and we're talking in this ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to
41:56and i was making jokes you know like hey i didn't know that they had food in ethiopia this will
42:00be a
42:00quick meal i'll order two empty plates and we can leave yeah nothing from her not even a smile
42:06so i downshift in a small talk and i ask her where she went to school and she says michigan
42:10state
42:11and this reminds me of helen all of a sudden i'm in the middle of this massive anxiety attack my
42:17heart's beating like a wild man and i start sweating like a pig helen went to michigan state
42:21no she went to northwest but they're both big 10 schools
42:25i got so upset i had to leave the restaurant
42:30harry i think this takes a long time it might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going
42:35out with someone new yeah and maybe longer before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new
42:41oh i went to bed with her
42:45you went to bed with her sure
42:54i don't understand this relationship what do you mean you enjoy being with her yeah you find
42:59you're attractive yeah and you're not sleeping with her no you're afraid to let yourself be happy
43:06why can't you give me credit for this this is a big thing for me i never had a relationship
43:10with a
43:11woman that didn't involve sex i feel like i'm growing are you finished hey i got a whole stack
43:16of quarters and i was here first we're not was two we're not was two big jerk a little creep
43:22where
43:23was i you were growing yeah it's very freeing i can say anything to her are you saying you can
43:31say
43:32things to her you can't say to me no it's just different it's a whole different perspective i get
43:39tells me about the men that she goes out with and i can talk to her about the women that
43:42i see
43:43you tell her about other women yeah like the other night i made love to this woman and it was
43:48so
43:48incredible i took her to a place that was inhuman she actually meowed you made a woman meow yeah that's
43:55the point i can say these things to her and the great thing is i don't have to lie because
44:00i'm not
44:00always thinking about how to get her into bed i can just be myself you made a woman meow
44:07so what do you do with these women you just get up out of bed and leave sure well explain
44:12to me
44:12how you do it what do you say just have an early meeting early haircut early squash game you don't
44:17play squash they don't know that they just met me that's disgusting i know i feel terrible you know
44:24i'm so glad i never got involved with you i just would have ended up being some woman you had
44:28to get
44:29up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and go clean your andirons and you
44:32don't
44:33even have a fireplace not that i would know this why are you getting so upset this is not about
44:37you
44:38yes it is you are a human affront to all women and i am a woman hey i don't feel
44:43great about this
44:43but i don't hear anyone complaining of course not you're out the door too fast i think they have
44:49an okay time how do you know i mean how do i know i know because they yes because they
44:59how do you know that they're really what are you saying that they fake orgasm it's possible
45:05get out of here why most women at one time or another have faked it well they haven't faked it
45:11with me how do you know because i know oh right that's right i forgot you're a man what is
45:24that
45:24supposed to mean nothing it's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and most women
45:28at one time or another have done it so you do the math you don't think that i could tell
45:33a difference
45:33no get out of here
45:37get out of here
45:43oh
45:45oh
45:48oh
45:50oh
45:50are you okay
45:52oh
45:56oh
45:58oh god
46:00oh
46:02oh
46:04oh
46:04oh
46:04oh
46:06oh
46:08oh god
46:12oh yeah right there
46:13oh
46:15oh
46:17oh
46:18oh
46:20oh
46:20oh
46:21oh god
46:22oh
46:23yes
46:24yes
46:25yes
46:26yes
46:27Yes! Yes! Yes!
46:29Ah! Oh!
46:31Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
46:35Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!
46:39Yes! Yes! Yes!
46:42Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
46:46Oh, God. Oh.
46:57I'll have what she's having.
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