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Grosse Pointe Garden Society - Season 1 - Episode 05: Pollination
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TVTranscript
00:00You
00:06Previously on Grosse Pointe Garden Society
00:09My friends and I sort of murdered someone. What are we gonna do about their car?
00:14Look if you're trying to fix things with Doug hanging out with me so much isn't helping. He just doesn't
00:18get that
00:19We're not into each other like that. Come on. It would never happen, right, right?
00:25I
00:25Want to buy me a cup of coffee? Why is she still here? You guys are friends now. I get
00:30messy. Yeah
00:31I didn't say messy can't be fun
00:33Is it over? Yes, of course. I forgive you. How can you do that? Because you're my right to die
00:39Is Gary here? God, no, it's over. I ended it
00:46I'm worried something bad happened
00:50Is Gary here? I haven't heard from him in days. I'm worried something bad happened
00:56Remember that family in Wall Oak went to bed on Christmas and didn't wake up?
01:01Mm-hmm. Well, wouldn't have happened if Santa had brought them one of these. Mm-hmm
01:08You okay?
01:10Yeah
01:13Yeah
01:14Still look for it?
01:17Yes
01:23Oops, um, sorry
01:26Whitening strip
01:27Oh, wait, um
01:39Too much red onion in the salad
01:42Yeah
01:54Gary might be dead
01:55Boner killer
01:57His wife hasn't heard from him in days
01:59The guy's probably just laying low
02:07What if he hurt himself?
02:08More like he bought a first-class ticket to an island and he's laying on the beach pounding Mai Tais
02:19I just feel like this is all my fault
02:22You know, the more you talk about this, the harder it gets
02:24I'm sorry
02:26Look, I want to make this work, but
02:29We gotta get this guy out of our bed
02:44So, apparently, I can't just give Ford a bunch of money
02:47It has to go through this whole endowment thing that my ex-husband set up
02:53Who knew you needed a college degree to understand a college scholarship?
02:57Don't look at me
02:58Hey, I just played football at Kalamazoo
03:01How'd you go from that to cop?
03:03Well, I blew out my shoulder
03:04And tried to get into the FBI
03:08But I, I lied on my polygraph
03:11Ooh
03:13About what?
03:15Yeah, no, we are not good enough friends yet
03:17Come on, who'd you kill?
03:19Nope
03:20Arson
03:20It's in your eyes
03:22You like to burn things
03:28Only if you tell me about your ex
03:30Fine
03:31Which one?
03:32Well, how many are there?
03:34Let's see
03:34First, there was Eddie in aerospace
03:37He liked to drive fast and fly high
03:41We had a pretty good time
03:42Until his heart gave out
03:44Too much excitement
03:46And cocaine
03:47Yeah
03:49Well, who's up next?
03:51Marcel was a real bon vivant
03:54He owned a bunch of vineyards outside Kalamazoo
03:57Everybody loved him
03:58Except the people he conned into buying hotels
04:01That he didn't own
04:03Yeah, all these guys, they sound really stable
04:06Maybe I'm
04:08Meant to be alone
04:13Yeah
04:13The thing is, you know, even when you're
04:15With somebody, you can still be alone
04:22I think I'm
04:24Probably just a lot to come home to
04:28No, you just haven't found the guy that can handle it
04:32We got enough friends to tell me about that polygraph yet
04:36Getting closer
04:44Pollination
04:45Oh my god
04:50Pollination's an essential element of any healthy garden
04:55The bumblebees return to the same flower again and again
05:01do we get really crazy
05:07while butterflies are easily distracted by bright puddles and long stems
05:13can we can we watch something else
05:19it's so hot
05:21where are we
05:22you'll see
05:26watch your step watch your step
05:27okay
05:29can i open them now
05:32no
05:34oh my god
05:41how
05:41the boss does their signs for free
05:51yo
05:52do you have a plunger
05:56asking for a friend
06:04i know you're not ready but when you are
06:08but in the end it really doesn't matter who's pollinating who
06:13the secret to a great garden is great sex
06:18lower and higher
06:21lower
06:23why are we putting in bird traps anyway
06:26they're feeders judges give extra points for a variety of wildlife so this is perfect for
06:32oreos and finches
06:33that makes way more sense
06:36also coyotes
06:37and then we're going to eat the birds
06:39and we're going to be able to eat the birds
06:40and we're going to be able to eat the birds
06:41oh so your phone does work
06:42oh i know i got your text i forgot
06:45i was just wondering if we're going to watch the tigers game tomorrow
06:49oh these apps are making me insane
06:51yeah someone should really invent a better way to have anonymous sex
06:54yeah
06:55why are you even on them
06:57what do you mean
06:58i just mean you never really put yourself out there
07:00oh god
07:02contrary to what you all may think i'm still a dude
07:04yeah you are
07:05oh man
07:07i just meant since your divorce
07:09yeah i'm overdue
07:11i love it
07:12release the kraken
07:13i'll take anyone who's semi-normal who can semi-appreciate me
07:17oh that app definitely does not exist
07:19so are we watching the game or what
07:22uh
07:23yeah yeah that'd be cool
07:25oh sullivan's is playing it in their beer garden
07:26yeah i'll text you
07:32so uh what height don't we want to feed the coyotes at
07:43i kind of just want to talk about the whole college thing
07:47so have you looked at any schools yet
07:51not really
07:52did you talk to that guidance counselor lady
07:55nope
07:58so what are you thinking
07:59i'm thinking i might not go
08:03you don't get the money if you don't go
08:05can't you just give it to someone else
08:06i'd rather give it to you
08:08yeah well
08:10it's just a lot for my family to process right now
08:13what are you talking about
08:15i don't know
08:17things are weird at home
08:18okay okay they just don't need the stress of all the applications and the campus tours
08:23maybe i can make it easier on your parents
08:37if you change your mind just leave me alone
08:58gary
08:59gary
09:01gary
09:01gary
09:02gary
09:03what happened to you
09:06oh my god
09:08it looks worse than it is
09:10are you missing a tooth
09:13just stay away from me
09:15okay
09:16wait
09:18don't tell your husband about this
09:30guys i know this is awful and no amount of therapy is ever going to make us normal again but
09:35right now we got to get this out of here
09:38what have we done
09:39that is not a useful question
09:41will you give her a break
09:43okay
09:45question is
09:46how do we get the body to the garden
09:48what about your truck
09:50i can't move this
09:51fuck yourself
09:52don't do it
09:52you want me to touch a dead person
09:54okay just pull around to the loading dock
09:56no we can't use the truck
09:58the back's all open
10:00oh perfect
10:00so if anyone looks they'll be like
10:02hey murderers
10:03this is your corpse back here
10:05then we'll use their car
10:06who's gonna drive a dead person's car with a dead person in it
10:10i will
10:10no no no no
10:12hell no
10:13it should be me
10:15guys
10:15what why you why not her
10:16i'm still drunk
10:18yeah and she's on probation for drunk driving
10:20guys
10:20right she knows how
10:21i can drive the body
10:26all of this is my fault
10:31you can't go alone
10:33she won't be
10:37why me
10:37if we get pulled over
10:40you're the drunk friend who needs a ride home
10:43oh
10:55s-t-o-p
10:59s-t-o-p
11:13why do you keep doing that
11:16fully spell out stop and it's a complete stop
11:19good tip
11:20lots of practice
11:23oh no
11:24what is that
11:25i don't know
11:26i don't know
11:27what is that
11:27i'm telling you i don't know
11:28what's that c-o-p
11:38or out of gas
11:40like
11:40out of gas
11:42out of gas
11:43or like
11:43there's still a few days left out of gas
11:45it's below empty
11:47who tries on empty
11:48someone who doesn't think they're gonna end up in their own trunk
11:51oh my god
11:53oh my god
11:54okay we just
11:55we gotta get gas
11:56with a dead person in the trunk
11:58would you rather be stranded on the side of the road with a dead person in the trunk
12:01i'd rather go home and take a shower
12:03okay
12:04we just gotta find a gas station
12:06oh please
12:07and act like a couple of prom queens who just had the time of their lives
12:10i can't do this
12:11hey
12:13you can
12:15how are you so calm
12:20i've learned people are capable of way more than you think
12:34hold still daddy you're gonna smudge it
12:38oh that's nice
12:39the pinkies are the hardest part
12:41oh
12:44okay both of you go upstairs and brush your teeth please
12:46but i'm not done with daddy's manicure
12:48but i'm gonna look so pretty for my
12:50ten o'clock with sales
12:53all right off you go
12:54there you go
12:57oh
12:59by the way
13:00poker night tonight
13:02i'm gonna miss dinner
13:04oh
13:05um
13:07you'll also miss our appointment
13:09dean
13:12but uh
13:15you missed last night too
13:16the therapist says we gotta stick to the intimacy schedule
13:19sorry babe i've just been uh slammed at work
13:25sure you're not avoiding me
13:28come on now
13:32ran into gary at the mall
13:36how was his vacation
13:38not great
13:38oh
13:39he didn't get a tan
13:41he
13:42he got his ass kicked
13:44what did he say who did it
13:45oh clearly someone who thought he deserved it
13:49yeah well
13:51i bet there's a lot of husbands who want to knock out that guy's teeth
13:55all right kiddos
13:57daddy's train is about to leave the station let's go
13:59say bye to mommy
14:01bye
14:01have a great day
14:03all right let's boogie
14:04hey hey hey
14:05um wait a minute
14:08how did you know he had a tooth missing
14:13you said he'd been worked over
14:15right
14:17probably got a broken nose too
14:29no i can't ask that
14:31because i'm at some dude's apartment right now
14:34yes i slept over
14:37why can't you do it
14:38what i gotta go
14:42last night was uh
14:44it was really fun
14:46got a little crazy
14:47hmm the good kind
14:48the best kind
14:52oh it's cool if you have to go or
14:54i don't want to
14:55oh then stay
14:55i can't
15:00am i making it weird
15:02uh
15:05i kind of lied on my profile
15:08yeah
15:09there's someone else
15:11oh no i mean there is someone else
15:13but it's just it's not that kind of someone else
15:15oh like a an open relationship
15:17i have a kid
15:19oh
15:20why'd you lie about that
15:22i mean what guy wants to hear about the stripper's kid
15:24wait wait wait
15:25you're a stripper
15:27no i just mean like single moms aren't exactly killing it on the app
15:35sorry do you have anything for a second grader's lunch my ex forgot to pack one for her field trip
15:40you've come to the right kitchen my friend
15:43boom
15:43oh hello i was just hoping for popcorn and gatorade
15:47oh lunchables uncrustables fake cheese yogurt tubes
15:53my knight in shining armor
15:54oh i'm gonna add that to my profile
15:57um okay so i'm just going to hijack the rest of your coffee and i'll get myself out of here
16:05or you could come back later and take your breakfast
16:09i'd like that brian
16:11brett
16:23okay so we have potato skins shaped like mitts chicken nuggets shaped like little home plates
16:31and taquitos shaped like penises
16:33those are baseball bats
16:35you didn't have to go to all this trouble
16:37oh don't be silly i do this every game
16:39you always make penis taquitos
16:44we felt bad for you okay
16:46yeah you know just with brett blowing you off
16:49uh he didn't blow me off
16:50he just sent me the shrugging cat emoji
16:54what does that even mean
16:56that he got a better offer
16:58yeah okay that would drive me crazy
16:59well he's allowed to have fun
17:01let's hope the fun he ends up with is down with him having a girl bestie
17:05why wouldn't they be
17:07i'm married
17:08you're also super bomb so
17:11they might have a slight problem
17:13oh i'm not worried
17:16okay great
17:17well then how do you and brett normally uh do all this
17:20uh we usually do a shot every time someone gets a double or more
17:24i can't do shots i have to take the kids to school in the morning
17:28i'll just do a shot every time they pat each other's butts
17:30oh you're gonna be wasted
17:32well then i think i found my sport
17:44you could send it to voicemail
17:45but then he'll know that i saw he called
17:50who's hot cop
17:52something i'm trying to quit
17:54no one patted a butt
17:57they will
17:57hey guys
17:58can we please just watch the game
18:09oh my bacon wrap cage oh no no no no no
18:11it's for the best there's so much food
18:14oh god
18:17you want the hell
18:18oh jesus
18:19oh
18:19can you get the broom
18:20yeah where is it
18:21just right over there
18:22oh no no no no
18:27oh here here here here oh thank you jesus
18:32oh
18:34oh
18:36Tucker just installed these he's gonna kill me
18:53is that a camera
18:56he might want to rethink doing that shot
19:10how was poker night
19:12oh great
19:13one big
19:14enough to replace the smoke detector i broke
19:19what happened
19:20burned some appetizers
19:23but you probably already knew that
19:35i don't want to be spied on
19:41well
19:43i didn't want you to bang gary in our bed
19:45oh my god
19:46but
19:47here we are
19:48you said you forgave me
19:49you fell in love with him
19:51so you pulverize his face
19:52you know it was my guys actually
19:54your guys
19:55you put in office alarm systems
19:57we also do respond security
19:59wow
20:00they responded
20:02look i'm just trying to protect my family
20:08you don't have to do all this
20:10neither did you
20:11you have me now
20:13do i
20:13come on tucker
20:15you only ended it because you got played
20:18i'm yours
20:22i'm not supposed to ever believe that
20:34i mean
20:36how many times can you talk in sancho pay without feeling like it's grand dog pay
20:40yachts
20:41can't live with them
20:43can't torch them for the insurance payout
20:48god i miss you sometimes
20:51well you shouldn't have divorced me
20:53you were sending me to an early grave
20:55well that was the plan
21:03how are your kids
21:04monica's enjoying a brief stint back in her artist colony
21:08you mean rehab
21:10the therapeutic arts program is exception
21:14more importantly
21:15how's your kid
21:20he wants nothing to do with me
21:22neither do mine
21:24at least they want your money
21:26so write him a check
21:27i tried
21:28write a bigger one
21:33maybe i'm not cut out for
21:34you know
21:36motherhood
21:37liam would disagree
21:39liam is ten years older than me
21:41he still calls you mom
21:42he only started that when i wouldn't have sex with him
21:47really
21:48christmas trip
21:50aspen
21:53my boys always had good taste
22:00well i think my boy might be better off without me
22:04it's not that easy
22:05it was for the first 16 years of his life
22:08why not now
22:10because if you really want to be his mom
22:14it's not a choice
22:20why didn't we work out
22:23i'm a no bore
22:24i could use some more boring in my life
22:39you fell in love with him
22:43i'm yours
22:45how am i supposed to ever believe that
23:05perhaps yes or not
23:09perhaps yes or perhaps not
23:09i'm getting equal
23:11anyway
23:12In any way, on the left, on the right, I don't know how much, yes, why not, one day or
23:22the other, we'll do it well.
23:34Okay, this is a good one. Okay, this is a guy in finance.
23:38But his real passion is doing dance TikTok, and he prefers baths over showers, and he loves using the word
23:49Riz.
23:49Ooh, uh, hang on, hang on.
23:52You only get one guess.
23:56Him. But he's more YOLO than Riz.
23:59Okay, yes. Now you're gay.
24:01Okay, okay, okay, okay, my turn.
24:03Okay.
24:04Okay.
24:08She's a little kooky.
24:10Mmm, okay, there's a lot of great grain here tonight.
24:14It's a good kind. Like, uh, like somebody who wants to ride the biggest roller coaster, or, uh, streak a
24:21Denny's, or crash somebody's bat mitzvah.
24:24Mmm, give me more.
24:26Okay.
24:26Like, she smells good. Like, vacation.
24:31Ooh, I like that.
24:33And she's the kind of person who's just really easy to be with.
24:40Especially for a guy who hasn't been on an actual date in a very long time.
24:48Is it her?
24:51Oh, my God.
24:56Um, okay, okay, my turn.
24:57Alice. Alice.
25:01Hey.
25:03Hey, hey, this is, this is Cricket.
25:05Oh.
25:07Cricket, this is, uh, this is my, um, garden buddy.
25:11Yeah. Well, nice to meet you. Hi.
25:14Uh, Doug.
25:15Not a gardener.
25:16Hi.
25:18Did you see the Tigers one?
25:20Oh, yeah, that bottom of the seventh home run was unreal.
25:24You watched it? I mean, he almost caught it.
25:26Yeah, and this kid in front of us didn't bring his stupid mitt, like...
25:29Wait, you were there?
25:31Yeah, well, uh, someone in Cricket's class gave her these insane tickets, you know.
25:36Huh.
25:38It's just one of the many amazing perks of being a teacher.
25:41Huh.
25:42Uh, well, hey, Alice used to teach.
25:45Oh, why'd you stop?
25:49Um, I...
25:49I can see you when you're ready.
25:51Yeah, thanks.
25:51Yeah, we're ready.
25:52Enjoy.
25:53Bye.
25:54Nice to meet you.
25:55Have a good night.
25:57Oh.
25:58Can I get you anything to drink?
26:01Absolutely.
26:04Thanks.
26:13How was your day?
26:15Uneventful.
26:16Did it come fix the AC?
26:18Mm-hmm.
26:20Uh, said we need a new compressor.
26:24Do you have an estimate?
26:27Over there.
26:36Come on.
26:38Was it the supervisor or the short guy they always send?
26:41Huh.
26:44Aren't you watching?
26:51Wouldn't it upset you if I was?
26:56No.
27:01Still have on those green undies?
27:11They're from France.
27:12Mm-hmm.
27:19It's not by the clock.
27:22Okay.
27:41Hi there.
27:44How you holding up?
27:46Better.
27:47Okay.
27:48Good.
27:49Um, I'm going to ask you something, and, uh, I need you to stay calm.
27:57Okay.
27:58Do you have any cash on you?
28:00Brett made us leave all our phones and purses at the garden center so they couldn't track us.
28:04I just, uh, I meant, like, tucked away in your bra or something.
28:08What?
28:08Like, someone gave me a tip?
28:11Okay.
28:13Okay, check the glove compartment.
28:15Oh.
28:22All right, uh, what about under the seat?
28:32Okay.
28:33What do we do?
28:36Nothing you're going to like.
28:46You take left pocket, I'll take right.
28:52Oh, God, this is all kinds of wrong.
28:55Pretty much the theme of the night.
28:58Oh, God.
29:00Oh.
29:01Oh, it's used.
29:03Oh, God.
29:03Oh, God.
29:04Gross.
29:13That's at least half a take of gas.
29:15Oh, great.
29:16Now we're drug dealers, too.
29:23Wait.
29:25The name's on the bottle.
29:29Oh.
29:46I kind of like her.
29:48What do you like about her?
29:50I mean, what's not to like?
29:52She's hot, funny, down to earth.
29:56Yeah, I guess.
29:58She's even a teacher.
30:00A yoga teacher?
30:02Whatever.
30:03Brett's definitely getting pregnant tonight.
30:08So what exactly is a garden buddy?
30:11Are you weirded out that my best friend is a girl?
30:16Oh, I'm sorry.
30:17I thought she was just your garden buddy.
30:21Why can't you just be happy for the guy?
30:24I just feel like my friend could do better.
30:28Really?
30:30Feels like you're a little jealous.
30:33Seriously?
30:34Well, you spent enough time talking about it.
30:40So let's stop.
30:46I mean, when you spend a lot of time with someone, obviously it crosses your mind.
30:51I'm not saying you're into her.
30:53Well, good, because I'm not.
30:55I'm saying she wants you to be.
30:58What do you mean?
31:00I don't know.
31:00I just get the vibe that she's one of those girls, you know?
31:03Alice is married.
31:05So?
31:05So she doesn't want to be with me.
31:09Maybe not.
31:11But she definitely doesn't want you to be with anyone else, either.
31:20Hmm.
31:26Oh, come on!
31:41License, please.
31:42Are you kidding me?
31:44You rolled through the stop sign.
31:46No, I didn't.
31:48Because now I do this new trick.
31:51S-T-O-P-E.
31:53Do you have anything to drink?
31:55It's like noon.
31:58Please step out of the car.
32:09What?
32:09You gonna have me walk the line, touch my nose, do the chicken dance?
32:12I want to know what you told my son.
32:14Excuse me?
32:15Well, he's not going to college now because of you.
32:19That's what he said.
32:20Hmm.
32:21Well, he told me it was because your marriage is a dumpster fire.
32:25What's that got to do with you?
32:29Let's be honest.
32:31I'm not helping your situation.
32:33Nothing's happened.
32:34Not yet.
32:35We're just friends.
32:36Joel.
32:37That's the deal.
32:38Yeah.
32:38It's also called an excuse.
32:40Okay.
32:40Speak for yourself.
32:41Oh, so I'm the lunatic who's just imagined we've been dying to get into each other's pants?
32:48Hey, I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong idea.
32:51No wonder you failed that polygraph.
32:53You're a terrible liar.
32:55Yeah, well, I guess you never know.
32:59Unless there's a better test.
33:03Play it on my radio
33:11Play it on my radio
33:15Play it on my radio
33:19Play it on my radio
33:23Play it on my radio
33:27Play it on my radio
33:29Play it on my radio
33:29another fail hold on you know the tragedy in all this that kid is smarter than both of us
33:44have a nice day
33:59chosen now huh you might put a hold of ground cause i could see you hold it down
34:05rock with it fill your beat ready to buy with it we can kick it bring the knock with it
34:15vision in the mind of a marksman like the eye of the bull on target and we shine like a
34:20diamond
34:21flawless i see you flirting do a little twerking want to know for certain if i see beyond the
34:28surface work work it work work it gotta make it worth it oh yeah now that's perfect
34:46mrs crosby oh uh i um i was just getting a jump on the dishes for you thank you show
34:56me what you work
35:05um 20 on pump three okay
35:1520 bucks
35:18have you you ever have that kind of night where one bad decision just leads to another and
35:28another and another nobody chooses to work here so then you get it you don't have any cash do you
35:38or card or a phone
35:42you can use mine
35:45the people i would call don't have their phones either
35:49okay
35:51it's just you and me dj
35:57you're all i got
35:58you're all i got
36:12what
36:14hey clean your windshield for 10 bucks i'll clean your windshield for five
36:20I don't have a car. Oh, come on. That's rude
36:32Two bucks a piece you won't find a deal like that on the street my friend
36:44All right
36:46Thank you so much, but I'm also going to need that bracelet
36:51For 20 bucks of gas how bad do you need it?
36:55What about my earrings and what about them don't work more mmm. My mom doesn't have pierced ears
37:13It's not funny how much did they see like half my vagina
37:23Oh
37:24Well better them than another man
37:28I'm sorry
37:32We have to get past what I did I know this isn't who we are you're not a mob boss,
37:38and I'm not a French maid
37:48Well, why don't we start?
38:06Oh
38:07God
38:23Hey, what's up?
38:25We need to talk Alice. I'm working
38:34Now I'm a customer
38:39I'm gonna help you ma'am
38:40Um, I was just wondering why you're being such a dick
38:47for real
38:48Yeah
38:50Yeah, it's like my best friends trying to dump me
38:52Well, uh, if this person really is your best friend. Maybe you should realize he
38:57Has his own life and it can't always revolve around yours. It doesn't
39:03Who you expect to just drop everything when you have a bad day?
39:06That's how you see it
39:07Or when you have an argument with your husband or your in-laws are all up in your business
39:10Well, you give good advice
39:11You treat me like an emotional support animal
39:15Are you kidding me?
39:17Who was there for you when your wife walked out?
39:20Six years ago
39:21This is so unfair and you know it
39:24Well, then maybe I'm
39:26I'm just tired of being your shoulder to cry on
39:28It's called friendship
39:31But what do I get out of it?
39:37What are you saying?
39:40I think
39:45This just isn't working right now
39:49What?
39:54You have no idea what you're doing to me
39:58Well, maybe you should talk to your husband about it
40:12When pollination fails, it can be devastating for a garden
40:17Two flowers competing for the same ladybug means one will die
40:21I know you don't like me very much
40:24Why does that matter?
40:26Because your son is about to throw his life away
40:30And we're gonna have to do something about it
40:56A pesticide meant to protect a bloom does the opposite when it poisons the milk beetle
41:21What happened to you guys?
41:23We took a detour
41:25Are you guys okay?
41:28I had to do something that might not be good for us
41:32Like everything in nature
41:34The balance of pollination is delicate
41:51And you never know which way it's gonna go
41:54Until it's too late
41:57Until it's too late
42:24We're not sure
42:36You are all right
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