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00:00:10if you don't have anxiety the way I would describe it is like there's an edgy improv
00:00:15group in your brain and it just needs like a one-word suggestion to spin like
00:00:28countless scenarios that no one's comfortable with some people think that a lot of comedians are
00:00:45more damaged you know more up than the average person i don't necessarily believe that i think
00:00:51that comedians are the ones who live in it i don't know i don't know how to have fun how
00:00:57do you have
00:01:00fun how do you guys do it like i don't think i would have come to this show all right
00:01:06good
00:01:06morning everybody i've got some bad news okay literally haven't even said what the bad news is
00:01:12yet let's i love bad news i'm constantly telling myself you've got everybody fooled you're not that
00:01:18funny any minute now everybody's gonna wake up and realize how bad you suck and so there's this fear
00:01:25that i can't ever truly be myself because if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me
00:01:34so
00:01:52chloe you didn't even look to see if a car was coming honey look for cars honey
00:01:57in general i feel like when they're in the house they're safe i can see them and take care of
00:02:03them
00:02:03when we're out here there's lots of elements it's like every single nightmare scary movie that i've
00:02:09ever seen in my life and i just have really dark pictures in my brain it's almost like i can
00:02:15see it happening for so long i struggled in silence about like my anxiety my depression there wasn't a word
00:02:23for it i didn't know how to describe it and once i started talking about it on the internet i
00:02:28was met
00:02:28with so much love and support and it was shocking to me keys backpack you guys got your backpacks boo
00:02:36what are you doing here we get to hang out today awesome do you think your husband put the car
00:02:43seats in
00:02:43right i think so i hope so why i was just thinking about like car accidents and stuff
00:02:54just wanted to make sure that it's safe that's all
00:03:04if i do things alone i'm usually okay but it's it's the uh it's the going out in the world
00:03:09that's
00:03:09the hard part i get a lot of social anxiety is this person gonna hate me am i annoying this
00:03:15person
00:03:16am i a burden i'll probably look like a normal average joe but i'm really going shut up you're an
00:03:22idiot take it easy no but i think that guy does it oh shut up you're crazy no i don't
00:03:27know
00:03:27he wasn't a fan you see the way he looked at you you guys ever do this one you guys
00:03:33ever leave the
00:03:34house without headphones thoughts are not good my god this whole time i thought i loved music turns
00:03:44out i just hate my brain just being attacked all day long by this insecurity playlist on shuffle ah
00:03:50what are you doing with your life you drink too much can i die alone you call that a penis
00:03:59the anxiety i have is wrapped up in being disappointing
00:04:06i literally every day i'm like i gotta quit i should quit stand up
00:04:12i have this fantasy about being the funniest guy in produce at the kroger you know or the publix in
00:04:22freaking you know chattanooga i recently figured out that i have anxiety i've had it for my entire life
00:04:29but it's really easy to confuse having anxiety with just the fact of being black uh that's a lot of
00:04:35similarities you know like the thought anyone could kill me at any time is a real thought
00:04:43i definitely feel like sometimes like wow i got this brain i wonder what it would be like to step
00:04:48into someone else's brain for a day or even like 20 minutes and see how it feels inside a different
00:04:53brain
00:04:53because maybe i'm crazy and maybe it's just like this everywhere but i do feel like my brain is
00:05:05sometimes lightly trying to kill me but also i love my brain for other reasons so it's nice i like
00:05:14having
00:05:14a brain that's up and creative and cool um oh my god cool yeah my brain's super cool
00:05:26you good yeah no i'm fine i was thinking i'm going to dinner later tonight and i was like thinking
00:05:31like
00:05:32what am i gonna get for my side and then i was like do i want french fries do i
00:05:36want mashed potatoes
00:05:37and then i realized like it doesn't even really matter you know what i'm saying because once you
00:05:40actually eat it it's all basically mashed potatoes after that you know and then i was like well maybe
00:05:46i should get a salad instead because i've been gaining a little bit of weight i know like if i'm
00:05:50going to spend money i don't want to spend it on the leaves and so it's like i'm sorry what
00:05:55was your
00:05:55question whoa my anxiety videos get in the tens of millions of views
00:06:04and people are like i that's me
00:06:22when i go to my email if i just type it in the search bar the word anxiety
00:06:32there's so many everyone's suffering all of these people reach out to me because they've seen
00:06:37my videos and it feels like everybody in the world has anxiety and nobody knows what the f to do
00:06:43about it
00:06:46i have i think every kind of anxiety you can have general anxiety social anxiety panic disorder
00:06:55obsessive compulsive disorder i got it all i'm a real i'm the full ball of anxiety
00:07:03my whole life and mind everything is sort of fear and anxiety based it's almost like that angel
00:07:10devil thing but it's just a devil it's just uh it just feels like a a mean version of me
00:07:16sitting on my
00:07:16own shoulder i read this human beings have up to 70 000 thoughts a day did you guys know that
00:07:21i
00:07:22thought it was like nine i had no idea 70 000 is too many i don't think i have 70
00:07:26000 thoughts a day
00:07:27i feel like i have four thoughts a day they just repeat 70 000 times my four thoughts are my
00:07:33parents
00:07:34gonna die i'm horny is that cancer is this funny those are the only four thoughts i ever have in
00:07:38my life
00:07:47oh my god i would kill to be less anxious uh it's just it's exhausting like i remember i took
00:07:52a xanax
00:07:52once i don't know why i had it but i just took one and i remember being like is this
00:07:57what normal
00:07:57people feel like oh my god it was amazing i was like skipping down the street and like high-fiving
00:08:02mailmen and stuff it was amazing so i'm like my whole goal is just get back to that somehow
00:08:08naturally which i know is probably never going to happen but that would be nice
00:08:17i'm really nervous today is my first uh day with my new therapist
00:08:27i'm nervous about i'm excited though because i'm desperate to feel different than
00:08:38i've been feeling for a really long time
00:08:42i'm hoping that i can be a better mom to my kids i feel like i'm ruining their childhood
00:08:55to put on my jewelry i'm gonna wear this bracelet today seems like the perfect day for it you put
00:09:02essential oil on this pad and when you get stressed you can sniff it the therapist is gonna be like
00:09:09are
00:09:09you okay i notice you're smelling yourself a lot
00:09:17let's go
00:09:21i forgot my keys
00:09:23i'm so sorry everything's fine everything's gonna be fine we're just it's therapy everything's fine
00:09:31okay wish me luck peter
00:09:45i think it would be wonderful to be able to just enjoy life and enjoy the little moments
00:09:54and experience some emotions other than fear a tiny part of me wonders though
00:10:04if i wasn't a crazy anxious overthinking worrying people pleaser
00:10:13who the heck would i be
00:10:15how was the drive the drive was nerve-wracking was it really yeah i just don't like driving i don't
00:10:22like driving on the interstate did you drive or did somebody else i drove you did yeah okay and i
00:10:28was just nervous yeah are these for crying sure okay yeah i usually have that effect on people so
00:10:34if it happens don't worry okay so i'm going to take notes while we chat okay um so you can
00:10:40start
00:10:40wherever you want but you're going to tell me everything so where do you want to start
00:10:44i am afraid that i am going to um throw myself into early death because of all the worrying that
00:10:52i'm
00:10:52doing okay i am scared of getting murdered i'm scared of robbers i have a horrendous fear of the ocean
00:11:02okay i hate the water i hate not knowing what's lurking under my feet
00:11:07the unknown yeah um i think about my
00:11:12kids breaking their neck and getting paralyzed a lot i can like picture
00:11:16their neck being broken when they're jumping on the couches and stuff
00:11:21okay and going back to that for fear of something happening to your kids what do you do as a
00:11:26result
00:11:27i say no to fun things okay yeah and if we do end up in a place where they're having
00:11:34fun i'm just
00:11:34constantly yelling out warnings like be safe don't do this no we're not going to do that be careful
00:11:42i give them probably way too many talks about getting kidnapped okay that's gonna f them up
00:11:58it's definitely difficult when people don't understand it they go just stop worrying it's it's
00:12:03weird because you have to be like well i have a mental disorder
00:12:11it feels like it's not always that respected as a thing
00:12:20but comedy is completely controlled by me so your anxiety is sort of
00:12:25at bay for that moment at least and you sort of feel worthy i feel strong and i'm i'm doing
00:12:33this
00:12:33thing my aunt betty she's a big source of my anxiety i don't know if you guys ever met her
00:12:37she's a
00:12:39she was a babysitter late 80s early 90s and um one time she was babysitting me she said this to
00:12:44me
00:12:44this is a true story i was eight years old this is where my anxiety began i was eight and
00:12:47she said
00:12:48joe my biggest fear she told me her biggest fear i didn't ask her what her biggest fear was i
00:12:52was eight
00:12:53years old i didn't give a shit about her fears but she told me anyway she said my biggest fear
00:12:58is that
00:12:58when i go to the bathroom there'll be a man hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me
00:13:05and i was like well that's my biggest fear now also
00:13:10yeah i have goals i just like to waste my time in getting to them like i love to procrastinate
00:13:15love to waste time learn to embrace it as a strength does anyone identify as a professional
00:13:20procrastinator yeah yeah yeah and again don't don't even make noise just think about it and then don't
00:13:26do anything people they're like oh but you're so low-key and you're like so laid back even in your
00:13:32delivery like it just doesn't you don't strike me as an anxious person but i think in that sense it
00:13:37is
00:13:38it demonstrates how internal it can be it's so much a part of your brain that you're just like
00:13:44used to it and you're like i don't know what an alternative would be because it takes up so much
00:13:50space on a regular basis i do experience you know fairly profound dread over nothing like it just seems
00:13:58to be a frequency i operate at like um you know like i'll wake up and immediately just be like
00:14:03oh i gotta
00:14:05make breakfast and then i gotta see my friend at noon god like why why that intensity like and those
00:14:12are things that you should want to do but i just operate like everything becomes this sort of like
00:14:17hassle i don't do things i don't do stuff
00:14:25i don't know why i don't do stuff i kind of know why all right example
00:14:32i got opportunity to see the rolling stones i was given tickets to see the rolling stones the first
00:14:39date of their last stadium tour san diego right the first day i was given tickets on the field and
00:14:45the
00:14:45day i was given those tickets my first thought was like ah parking's gonna when you have a brain
00:14:54like this like mine or like a neurotic anxious person you know it's it's always a negative you're
00:15:00never sort of like that's going to be great in the shower this morning i was thinking i'm in the
00:15:04shower too long so it's like i'm in the shower too long i'm stressed about even taking a shower it's
00:15:11like i gotta take a shower i only have this much time i gotta take a shower and then i'm
00:15:14in the
00:15:14shower i'm like i shouldn't have taken a shower shouldn't have taken a shower there's all these
00:15:16other things that have to be done and i'm sitting here taking a shower wasting water wasting water
00:15:20while there's other things to be done like i'm like wait a minute why don't i just take a shower
00:15:25like i can't i gotta take a shower does anybody with anxiety ever take your kids to the park
00:15:30it like it makes me crazy especially when there's other kids like i'm just so afraid that
00:15:36they're gonna hurt themselves or they're gonna get hit by another kid like i can't even relax
00:15:42i'm not even trying to be funny like i dread going to the park and i wish i wasn't like
00:15:48this
00:15:49do you want to know how crazy i am i bring a taser with me to the park in case
00:15:55anybody tries to get
00:15:57down kids why am i like this here we are my west village apartment bought it homeowner
00:16:06if you want to take a look in here and horrify yourself um i don't know when that's from but
00:16:13it's about two years old and i just keep it in there just to remind myself stay humble i'm a
00:16:19big
00:16:19cocoon guy close the door close the shades tv internet the whole thing uh booze lockers you know
00:16:27there's no space in this goddamn town so you know you just fill up all your winter clothing bursting at
00:16:34the seams look at that falling out everywhere large tv this was a gift thank god record player lenny bruce
00:16:41new orleans you know you gotta remember where you came from just a young boy from tremay with uh dreams
00:16:49and uh plastic on my mattress because i was a hell of a bed wetter for me it was uh
00:16:55being a kid and
00:16:56making my mom make up an excuse to not go out so your friends would be like hey can mark
00:17:02come over
00:17:02and play and i was like so my mom would be like he can't he's in trouble with me and
00:17:07i was like yeah
00:17:07i hated who i was all right this is a fun note this is a an anxiety blanket this weighs
00:17:1615 pounds
00:17:17and if you put it on you it feels like a hug how sad is that
00:17:32careful
00:17:38chloe are you okay please be careful
00:17:43every time they jump off it's hard to breathe
00:17:50i'm a little sweaty okay then okay careful when you land
00:17:58my son loves to do flips now actual flips and all i can think about is
00:18:06him getting paralyzed obviously it happens all the time with kids on trampolines
00:18:11i am fine i don't want them to like see me freaking out because i'm afraid it's gonna
00:18:16ruin their experience but um i'm dying
00:18:23and i have to sit by the exit so that i can see if somebody's trying to walk out with
00:18:27my kid
00:18:29because there's so much kidnapping and trafficking going on in the world that if my kids are attached
00:18:33to me or i can see them at all times and it's fine i could fight off the kidnapper
00:18:39do you avoid anything like do you avoid certain social situations tell me more i avoid any social
00:18:47situation where there are lots of people like a house party okay will go like i'm constantly worried
00:18:56how people are perceiving me okay and i'm afraid like before i go out on stage that i'm gonna forget
00:19:02everything and look stupid and just make it worse and
00:19:10okay um in the past or currently have you ever had any fears related to contamination i can't eat
00:19:16or drink after anybody okay husband and kids included um because you're afraid of getting sick with
00:19:23something or is it disgust it's disgust okay what else i'm afraid that i'm gonna have a brain aneurysm
00:19:34at any moment and just go i've done a lot of research on those so that i could be prepared
00:19:40you can be prepared for an aneurysm yes tell me the signs to look out for you'll hear a pop
00:19:45in your head and immediately as soon as you hear the pop you don't question it you just call 9
00:19:51-1-1
00:19:52right away have you done that yet have you called 9-1-1 or anything okay but well
00:19:57not i called 9-1-1 when my son had a bloody nose and they showed up and were pissed
00:20:07me and my pal joe list fellow comedian we took a road trip one day and just really hit it
00:20:14off it
00:20:15was a five-hour drive we didn't know each other we just talked about everything i feel like we kind
00:20:20of we're trying to be comedians together in new york and he was struggling i was struggling and we
00:20:24helped each other and then he said i want to start a podcast will you do it with me and
00:20:29i said sure
00:20:29you know people don't give enough credit you really listen i'm a listener you really listen
00:20:33you're late you lie you're just a genuinely bad person but you listen you can really listen i'm a
00:20:39listener the beauty of us doing a pod together is i don't have to explain anxiety because he's
00:20:46a wacko as well i'm like man i was feeling like this he doesn't go what do you mean why
00:20:51would you
00:20:52feel like that he's just like oh yeah totally i get it a lot of people have been writing negative
00:20:56comments saying that we're not as big as we should be so we're taking the podcast to the streets
00:21:00and we're going to get some new fans the old-fashioned way let's go make some new fans
00:21:06hey guys you guys uh you like podcasts jesus christ oh podcast man we're good man
00:21:19i recommend going to therapy because i recommend doing things
00:21:22i was told black people do not do so therapy doing it eating blueberries delicious uh skiing
00:21:29don't think so i cannot trust a sport that wants me to be at the top of the mountain to
00:21:35start
00:21:36that's its own sport i'll be down here in the jacuzzi um i like knowing why i do the things
00:21:45i do
00:21:45that's why i like going to therapy i like knowing what makes me tick what informs my decisions because i
00:21:49want to know these things about myself i want to know myself before i am that's right inevitably
00:21:54shot because if the police don't get me mass shooters will and all i'm saying is you don't
00:22:00want to be bleeding to death in the street going i never figured out intimacy i think a lot of
00:22:06comedians
00:22:06come to comedy because when they were children it was the only thing that they could do to have power
00:22:13making someone laugh means that you have power over them and i grew up in a neighborhood so my home
00:22:21life was relatively dangerous you know there was addiction and there was abuse and so it was kind
00:22:27of a minefield i was scared to be at home i spent a lot of time alone and when i
00:22:31wasn't alone i was
00:22:32trying to navigate around certain situations however being able to diffuse the tension to make someone laugh
00:22:42is to make someone happy so then if i could do that i knew i was safe that was my
00:22:50big fear when
00:22:50i was a kid wetting my pants because if you're a kid you get scared enough you can just urinate
00:22:53right
00:22:53in your pants that's like a weird mind body connection i never understood like your brain is
00:22:58like i'm terrified and your bladder's like we'll go ahead and piss that and then your brain's like that
00:23:04didn't help at all your bladder's like that's all we know how to do we just want to let you
00:23:08guys know
00:23:08where we're helping most of my material originates from anxiety because it's something going oh i
00:23:13hated that that made me feel weird i didn't like that and that's where like the comedy comes from
00:23:19that's what george carlin said every joke started with something's wrong here and i'm gonna tell people
00:23:24about it these are fun these are cue cards from late night shows i've done like conan or fallon or
00:23:31colbert this is actually my first one from 2013 conan february 20th biggest night of my life was a
00:23:41magical moment unbelievable uh you know late night tv debut and as you can see this is more broad
00:23:49doing like racial jewish gay i needed this on muscle memory because i was just in this weirdo zone
00:23:58i was floating i didn't know where i was and it was horrifying but amazing and riveting all at the
00:24:03same time jews are all about living on that's when i thought man jews must be really jealous of gay
00:24:08people because gay people can't even reproduce yet they keep popping up
00:24:18that's amazing that's incredible no other group can do that it's like a superpower you know
00:24:23you know like jews are sitting around like you gotta marry a jew you gotta marry a jew and gays
00:24:26are like
00:24:27we'll be fine then when it ended it was like i i said a dream come true which it wasn't
00:24:33planned that
00:24:34just came out just out of me because i was just you know and then uh conan came over and
00:24:39i was so
00:24:40keyed up and so confident that it went well that i took his tie and dabbed my forehead just out
00:24:45of like
00:24:46oh it let's be funny this is uh like five years later get more depth i've delved in you know
00:24:53you got
00:24:53eye contact introvert therapy so i'm now starting to really open up and talk about how weird i am and
00:24:59how much of a mess i am huh comedy comedy jokes jokes
00:25:09a lot of bad thoughts the paper is evil so you got to get away from the paper
00:25:22i said i'll use the pen as a microphone which is uh also embarrassing i put a sock on i
00:25:28feel bad about
00:25:28my disgusting uh hoofs just clomping around what about a sandal out of all the things you write
00:25:36seven percent work and then out of that you keep five yeah so that's why it takes so long to
00:25:43build
00:25:43material that's why everybody's so annoying when they go you got any new stuff no i don't really do
00:25:48stuff i'm busting my ass over here when i'm writing i don't feel the anxiety i usually feel like when
00:26:11i'm actually just immersed in something like that i can quiet the rest of my brain and that's like
00:26:16focusing on something else and that's nice because usually what my anxiety is is like oh you won't
00:26:21have any good ideas for this thing oh you aren't writing it right now why actually sitting down to
00:26:27write something is really calming i pitched a few ideas to comedy central for series and the one that
00:26:34we decided to make was called ava versus anxiety my boss that's my boss okay go meet your boss
00:26:44hey eva hey oh uh hi what can i help you with claire's birthday today oh claire is the one
00:26:51with
00:26:51the glasses and i have contacts so we in general have a ton to talk about basically everyone's
00:26:54already signed the card when you were out so sure well the only reason i was out was because the
00:26:58idea
00:26:58of being here made me want to die more than it usually does for sure here's here's a pen no
00:27:02problem
00:27:03i'll just be creative and concise on the spot you know what i'm actually going to drop this off at
00:27:10your desk because as weird as it sounds you standing over my shoulder isn't really allowing
00:27:13my creative juices to flow as they usually do uh just make sure you get me that asap all right
00:27:17asap as hell love you what someone maybe thinks like you're a little weird but it's kind of
00:27:25inconsequential is the idea for the series is that like everything is actually fine in the end
00:27:29but like you give someone kind of a weird vibe ava hey come on no you go ahead i'll hold
00:27:36it for you
00:27:37no no you know you go ahead no i'll catch the next one go ahead plenty of time no it's
00:27:41fine come on
00:27:42come on over even okay it was therapeutic to make in some ways because i felt like
00:27:47certain people saw it and were like that is what it's like and i was like yeah okay i knew
00:27:53it
00:27:53what's on the ceiling 12 inches okay interesting oh but then also some people were like this video is
00:28:01making me experience anxiety well that's not what i like i don't want to make people feel anxious
00:28:08but then again if you've never experienced it haha now you have a little bit of it
00:28:14i feel better i made it i'm alive like you know the most helpful thing for me is like most
00:28:23of what you're
00:28:23reacting to is is something your brain is making up that is a helpful thing to me like if you
00:28:31have
00:28:31that negative thought thing where like this is going to be a disaster even if anything's better than that
00:28:38so you know you don't really set yourself up to engage and enjoy with things but it's just like it's
00:28:43going to be better than what happened in your head somehow hmm i guess i'll say anxiety is a false
00:28:53friend and then it's warning you about a danger but it's one that isn't actually there good morning
00:29:02everyone thank you so much for being here gotta say motivation wasn't expecting to see you here this
00:29:08funny behold yeah what are you doing here weirdo i started personifying these different feelings and
00:29:15emotions in my head and turning them into characters in skits okay so as you guys know kids are home
00:29:23for
00:29:23summer uh looks like she wants to take them to the park feed them a healthy lunch it's funny uh
00:29:31then take
00:29:32them to a pool party slash barbecue how can we this up and when motivation takes off i can remind
00:29:40her
00:29:40how dangerous parks are and how one in three kids injures themselves on the monkey bars each year and
00:29:44has to get sent to the hospital hi i can convince her that she probably shouldn't go because creepy old
00:29:49dudes lurk around the park and take kids sometime that's perfect uh i kept her up late last night
00:29:55watching serial killer documentaries so we've already got her convinced that there's a murderer looking for
00:29:59right now as we speak when is this meeting over remember we need to work together as a team to
00:30:07make
00:30:07her completely mentally unstable you know what that means come on let's go let's get pulled oh this is
00:30:14happening so fast okay places okay make her look nuts you guys got this good job
00:30:21so i'm gonna explain now you have your thoughts i'll move my hand in a second
00:30:30feelings
00:30:35behaviors so those thoughts you're having like a lot of what ifs like what if something bad happens to my
00:30:42kids what if you know people are judging me so then you might feel anxiety fear
00:30:53and then therefore what do you do well avoidance is kind of like the mother of all like those
00:30:58maladaptive behaviors so the more you avoid and the more you kind of give in to those fears then
00:31:03obviously it's creating more and more avoidance right um and then information seeking uh reassurance
00:31:10seeking this is like is everything going to be okay so and over time and as somebody gets older and
00:31:15they haven't done treatment they're kind of uh these get more and more the symptoms get worse over time
00:31:22your world kind of gets smaller even the avoidance of making a decision only makes you more and more
00:31:27indecisive over time does that make sense 100 you know the intrusive thoughts in and of themselves
00:31:31does not mean you're somehow crazy or pathological or anything like that it's really what how you're
00:31:37responding to them that's keeping you kind of in that loop right does that make sense yeah
00:31:43you have this harm ocd like you have i have ocd i think there's strong tendencies here you know the
00:31:53harm ocd is really like thoughts or intrusive thoughts and images about harm of somebody else or
00:31:59of yourself yeah the idea is that i can get you the point where you have these thoughts but you're
00:32:05not
00:32:05responding to them but isn't it good to prepare for different scenarios so that when it does go
00:32:13wrong i'm ready for action there's no way to prepare completely for um something happening right something
00:32:19in me makes me feel like right i can for some anxiety so all of this is in the service
00:32:24of trying to get
00:32:25certainty right so everything you're dealing with is really the uncertainty the what if
00:32:31yes but i just want to let you know that the thought that came into my head when you said
00:32:36that
00:32:38was if i kept them inside at all times they could live and whose mental health would that be good
00:32:46for
00:32:48me specifically
00:32:52i love therapy if you're not going to therapy i can knock it out for you you'd save the money
00:32:55it's
00:32:55your family whatever you're dealing with anxiety depression look no further than your own family
00:33:01it's their problem at first i was skeptical i was like i don't know and then i spent 11 seconds
00:33:07with
00:33:07my family and i was like he nailed it i started seeing a therapist who was really helpful and sort
00:33:14of
00:33:14drawing back to this is this is the cause this is where it's coming from this is this feeling comes
00:33:20from there and that's so helpful is connecting all the feelings with emotions and that
00:33:25mind-body thing of saying that's been the most helpful to me in dealing with anxiety is this is
00:33:30not some curse i feel like i was cursed to kind of have this i gotta go thank you very
00:33:35much
00:33:35i should try the rest for a night back to pvd everybody
00:33:51nice to meet you
00:34:00both my parents are really anxious my dad's sort of a quiet guy and so there wasn't always a lot
00:34:06of
00:34:06connection always there so there's a lot of a lot of anxiety in the house
00:34:13my parents were so loving and kind always there that you think like oh i've had this perfect child but
00:34:17it just because you weren't abused or abandoned or a divorce or anything like that there's still
00:34:23difficult things to deal with and because i sort of learned to relate through anxiety and to worry
00:34:30whole cheese pizza just for me
00:34:35i mean i'll eat this i'm literally thinking while eating it i'm going to get cancer this is like frozen
00:34:41you know preservatives i'm like every time i'm like i should be not doing this
00:34:49i don't even enjoy it i'm like this is the worst food for you
00:34:54and i ate it last night i'm like i'm gonna have a
00:34:59you know heart attack or something but it's very tasty
00:35:06you're tucked in very far there is that on purpose or you just live your best life
00:35:14i had these feelings of being nervous as a kid and i just thought that i was crazy
00:35:19back then i didn't really have anybody to talk to about it because everybody else seemed fine so i was
00:35:24like okay i'm not gonna mention that this is how i'm feeling because then everybody's gonna think i'm
00:35:28crazy there was no word for it do you think mommy always watches you eat
00:35:38why
00:35:43all right so let me tell you a little bit of the treatment yeah okay at the end of the
00:35:48day the
00:35:48label doesn't matter like there's some generalized anxiety disorder things happening here too but at
00:35:53the end of the day the label doesn't really matter it's just the treatment's going to be the same you're
00:35:57still going to do exposures regardless of what it was you're going to be doing a lot of maybe maybe
00:36:01not which is you have an intrusive thought like oh man my kids are jumping on that trampoline they
00:36:05could break their neck yeah maybe they will maybe they won't you know it's kind of accepting the
00:36:09ambiguity accepting the uncertainty of what could happen and then you'll do exposures which is
00:36:13everything that you don't want your kids to do i'm going to have them do but in a hierarchical basis
00:36:19so like we start off easy and then we slowly get to more and more difficult things like eventually
00:36:23what's his name kaden kaden so what we'll eventually do is like have him do a sleepover
00:36:28or something like that i don't think so well thank you for the offer i'm gonna pass that's funny but
00:36:37by the time we get there it won't even um cause you that much anxiety at the beginning it could
00:36:42be
00:36:43yeah you go somewhere that you don't typically want to go to with your kids um we'll start off small
00:36:49tiffany next time i see you this is all we're going to do is come up with exposures do we
00:36:53actually
00:36:53do them or do yeah you'll do you'll do exposures yeah yeah that's what you're going to be doing is
00:36:59exposure therapy everything you're afraid to do you're going to do but in a hierarchical basis it's
00:37:03challenging but manageable okay see now i get these yeah
00:37:13i think that the broad statement that comedians are miserable or dark
00:37:18i've met a lot of you know not completely well adjusted funny people i mean stand-ups are different
00:37:25than sketch people than different they're different than people who work with other people
00:37:29you know stand-ups are very specific they're sort of you know lone uh rangers out there you
00:37:35know they're you know they do their own thing they're not really social animals necessarily except
00:37:40with other stand-ups but uh in terms of problems and and you know alcoholism anxiety you know negative
00:37:46uh ruminations darkness i i don't know i imagine like if you were really to to sort of do some
00:37:53sort of survey of you know plumbers or teachers or whatever i don't know that the numbers would be
00:38:05that different it's a wonderful thing though you know to have family to have kids you know like
00:38:13uh two of my kids uh uh i uh i wanted to take them out but uh you know their
00:38:18stepdad was doing a better
00:38:18job so i didn't want to interfere other professions mental health may not have been a big topic but in
00:38:25comedy comedians talk about it on stage that's what comedy has always done right destigmatizing
00:38:31things by going up there and saying this is okay to talk about you ever in your room it just
00:38:36smells
00:38:36like loneliness you know you're just laying there i don't think i ever met anybody as smart as turning
00:38:46everything they have their pain to making people laugh some of them they're bleeding on the stage
00:38:53i was a comedian first and i saw the laugh factory 1979 being around the comic many of them they're
00:39:01like
00:39:01my own family i love them jamie had seen so many incredibly talented people sacrifice so much for
00:39:10what could be a very uncertain future and then get to an incredible level of success and still have
00:39:17anxiety substance abuse depression and for some suicide i think seeing your friends have to go through
00:39:24that can wear on a person i realized i gotta do something and he told me he was like i'm
00:39:30thinking of
00:39:30offering free psychological services to the comedians so i had referred dr devory to jamie i thought
00:39:36she'd be a good fit what was presented to me was to provide treatment for the comedians psychological
00:39:42treatment for the comedians because they needed more support than what jamie could provide
00:39:49there is still that stigma attached to talking to somebody about it but that is the one thing that
00:39:55is going to make you feel better is starting to talk to somebody about it and recognizing
00:40:00how normal your experience is in the world thank you very much you're very kind
00:40:16i literally nurtured fed clothed and educated my anxiety as if it was my own child
00:40:29and so why am i surprised that it has such power over me when i have given it so much
00:40:35and so being able to coexist with it in a kind of a way it's almost like thinking about like
00:40:42it's a shadow self it's another it's a clone that i have to reabsorb into myself
00:40:49and so thinking about it like that helps me kind of not let it have all the power over me
00:40:57hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey brother what's up man good to see you
00:41:05man
00:41:06i actually just started going to therapy hey yeah yeah yeah i'm just kind of like
00:41:12i need to fix this this is especially now i'm like i'm at a point where
00:41:18i need to take more responsibility of my life you know i feel like i'm being really sensitive
00:41:24yeah because i see you as like a brother you know like a like a sibling essentially but like
00:41:28you're the big you're the big bro hey that's what i try to do yeah it's not that something is
00:41:32wrong
00:41:32with you it's that there's a pattern yeah that no longer serves you and that's in your way and
00:41:38that's still a healthy way to see it yeah i'm a very like dude why would you do that dude
00:41:42you did
00:41:42it again you know what i mean i'm older than you and i've been doing this for longer yeah i
00:41:46still have
00:41:46i'm saying like it doesn't just magically know you're always going to be working on it yeah and it's
00:41:51like everyone had been telling me to go to therapy for a long time and i was like nah like
00:41:56you said
00:41:56that's white people you know what i mean and i was just like you know like and my mom would
00:42:04tell
00:42:04me that like you don't want to do that stuff because it'll be on your record she told me that
00:42:07from like a long time ago and i believed it but then she's like when you want to get a
00:42:13real job
00:42:13that's going to really affect you and but i'm like i'm a comedian now like like no matter what
00:42:21this isn't going to affect me at all this no one's going to be like you're a comedian that goes
00:42:24to
00:42:24therapy but we can't hire you it's like you're going to go to therapy thank god thank god we
00:42:29needed someone that had a little bit of self-awareness in here whose water is that that's
00:42:35yours all right i'm taking it yeah i had to ask for one not bad uh-oh did you get
00:42:42one oh yeah all right
00:42:43it's just the whole time you're just going like is am i doing this right is this good i'm bored
00:42:48are they
00:42:48bored uh i'm just worried the whole time like is this going well amazing dude it's my jet lag is
00:42:53all
00:42:54fucked up i heard you say once a long time ago that it's a chemical yes you said you put
00:42:57your
00:42:58feet up on the wall i tried that yeah yeah we're going to start now okay sure sure you look
00:43:05great
00:43:05i was about to sing but i guess i'll wait comics have a ton of anxiety because as you can
00:43:11see they're
00:43:12all in their head that's why we're con we analyze we sit there and think about stuff and then we're
00:43:18thinking about thinking and we're thinking about what we're thinking and it just piles on and piles on
00:43:22that's why i can't smoke weed because i'll just go in this wormhole or i just want to kill myself
00:43:28i'll be walking on the stage my brain's going boy you're going to bomb this this is going to be
00:43:31bad
00:43:31you suck you suck you're not going to be able to get out of this one good luck you loser
00:43:35and i gotta go
00:43:36shut up and then hey everybody how are you comedy confidence fake you know i know what i'm doing
00:43:49people always say what you're an introvert you're a comedian how does that work yeah you're anxious
00:43:53well because i'm on a stage saying exactly what i want to say exactly what i've been practicing it's
00:43:59honed i know it works and then you can't talk and then i get to leave everybody works out their
00:44:05muscles why not work out your emotions i'll be hanging out with a friend you know he's like all
00:44:09right man take it easy i'm gonna go work on arms and back i'm like cool i'm gonna go work
00:44:13on letting
00:44:13go of the past and accepting love i don't know if you're getting out your anxiety by being a stand
00:44:19-up
00:44:19but it still is an outlet you have this weird high for like a few minutes after you kind of
00:44:25feel like
00:44:26hey this is pretty good but then you go right back to normal life
00:44:34like a friend from high school hey i'm in new york i'm gonna come to your show tonight let's hang
00:44:37out after i'm like come to the show but i don't want to hang out after the hangout after part
00:44:41that's
00:44:41where i'm like ugh that's brutal
00:44:50morning
00:44:57are you guys ready
00:45:11morning
00:45:14morning
00:45:18lots of people in florida ride their golf carts to take the kids to school
00:45:23i used to make fun of those people actually that's not nice i agree you're right that was me i'm
00:45:28sorry
00:45:30hold on i'm sorry i'm sorry
00:45:35how you doing hi good how are you good good good have a seat okay
00:45:39oh sorry should i have shut that all those apologies
00:45:45sorry for never mind i'm not sorry good to see you good to see you
00:45:50okay so the purpose of the exposures isn't to get rid of anxiety exposures are increasing your
00:45:57tolerance of anxiety you will continue to have intrusive thoughts like the rest of us
00:46:02but the idea is that the intrusive thoughts while they might spark some short-term anxiety they don't
00:46:08dictate your behaviors you are learning that if you don't respond to your anxiety and the intrusive
00:46:14thoughts that um your brain will learn that there's really no threat okay the thoughts will become
00:46:20less threatening over time make sense yes your most common compulsions at this time would be
00:46:28avoidance the mother of them all all right you're doing other behaviors such as information seeking
00:46:32reassurance seeking you're checking like checking your kids and yeah and then all the sorries that you
00:46:38say and all that people pleasing that's all um compulsions like you say a lot of sorries i'll have you
00:46:43actually start tracking your sorries today including some of these other compulsions and i'll show you
00:46:48how to start tracking them okay so when you do exposures we're doing it to increase that level
00:46:53of uncertainty again we're purposely making you more anxious in the short term i why am i like this i
00:46:59don't know what's wrong like we have any i don't know i'm crying i think it's the idea that i'm
00:47:04not
00:47:04going to be in control anymore is what you're already not in control i'd like to think that i am
00:47:09yeah but
00:47:10the realization that i'm wrong about that makes me emotional exposures are odd so it's okay to be
00:47:16emotional this is weird all right okay so i've got some exposures already written like simple to come
00:47:23up with but difficult to do yeah what would it be for you to just write the statement maybe my
00:47:28kids
00:47:28will die that's ex why are we starting there that's excessive um just to write it just to write that
00:47:35line maybe my kids will die maybe or my kids will die maybe very uncomfortable okay drink after your
00:47:43husband nope do you kiss him yeah with tongue right yeah so how's that different from the drinking
00:47:50after him for you and your brain i know what's the differentiation i think because i'm not
00:47:57drinking bits of his food when i kiss him like and it feels like i'll have him like snack on
00:48:04crackers
00:48:05no i can't listen he will never get a kiss from me again
00:48:11earlier earlier at the session i had to write over and over and over and over again are you ready
00:48:20maybe my kids will die today no way that's extreme i know okay over and over and over again
00:48:30and she wants me to do it five times a day and she wants me to get more and more
00:48:34specific
00:48:37about the manner of death as i go on well she's a professional so
00:48:49while i'm trying to write this i'm thinking about the kitchen exploding and my kids getting hit by cars
00:48:54outside playing basketball simultaneously so it feels like i'm in one of those 1970s like torture
00:49:00experiments at the moment so if you notice anything that's what that is
00:49:21uh i'm looking at my impacted wisdom tooth and trying to see if there's anything in there and if
00:49:29there is to kind of pull it out because it's i have to try to keep it clean but there's
00:49:33like a space
00:49:35in there and it makes my gum stick out and i can feel it in my tongue and it's really
00:49:41annoying but
00:49:42now i'm going to finally have it taken out so but i've been doing this for
00:49:4820 times a day for three years um it's been an obsession
00:49:58these are 40 pounds each if anyone asks
00:50:06don't worry i could do this all day
00:50:12want some of that
00:50:21i mean i really need a vacuum this is a problem
00:50:25my anxiety is manifested in so many different ways it's crazy like i thought i was going blind for
00:50:32a while i thought i had i would have all these chest pains i thought i've had cancer probably 85
00:50:36different times i can go through all of my photos of my life all my travel and i can point
00:50:42and go that
00:50:43day in paris i was worried about my eye was twitching or that day in london that was when my
00:50:50tooth was
00:50:50hurting so i'll have something i always pick something to kind of obsess about here's my
00:50:56wedding my wedding during my wedding i had just had uh two root canals down where i hadn't had the
00:51:01final crowns put on so i had temporary crowns and then i was concerned that they were going to come
00:51:07out
00:51:07in my food during the wedding so my actual wedding was uh marred with anxiety even with that spectacular
00:51:14ted baker suit this is what i discovered about marriage i feel like marriage is basically
00:51:20two people maneuvering around each other's mental illness right like you just have to find somebody
00:51:28that has the right mental illness for your mental illness in my relationship like my wife has been
00:51:33frustrated especially when i was dealing with panic attacks because which is actually good again my
00:51:37therapist she can kind of limit my anxiety because i'm worrying and worrying and worrying talking and
00:51:41talking about what i'm worried about and she's like i don't know what to do i can't i don't know
00:51:45what
00:51:45else to do and it you kind of go oh jesus i'm gonna lose my wife if i don't stop
00:51:49so it actually
00:51:50is kind of nice because sometimes you need that because it puts a cap on it because you're like
00:51:54oh god i'm ruining people's day here and this could cost me a relationship if i keep i gotta kind
00:52:00of get this in hand my wife is sweet sometimes i feel like she doesn't even know me though i
00:52:04was on
00:52:04the road recently and i couldn't sleep because i had anxiety so i called her at home and i was
00:52:08like
00:52:08having trouble sleeping and she's so sweet she was like uh have you tried masturbating
00:52:13i was like that is adorable that you thought that i hadn't thought to masturbate
00:52:21hate the small talk two things i can't do small talk and eye contact how sad is that you know
00:52:25i
00:52:26basically have all the traits of a serial killer just without the ambition i'm working on it people
00:52:31always say mark gotta be more confident they say mark gotta be yourself i'm like well you gotta pick one
00:52:36i can't do both of those
00:52:41i've had quick instances of dating people where they were not anxious and it it's too it's too hard
00:52:52every girl i would go on a date would be like you're so awkward god you're so awkward and i'm
00:52:56like
00:52:56all right i don't know what to do like you think that helps you saying that it's not going to
00:53:01make me
00:53:01all of a sudden suave and and confident you know so like that always annoyed me but i think every
00:53:07now and then you meet like that one girl out of 50 who likes the awkward guy this is may
00:53:17from massachusetts so i did a show at the stand and some joke really you remembered and you emailed me
00:53:25we'll back up a little bit so i went to the comedy show and then i don't know then mark
00:53:31got on stage
00:53:31and i was like whoa i was like he's super cute i like what he's saying i think we made
00:53:36eye contact
00:53:37yeah oh that was the joke it's just too uh intense i feel it too much it's uh i look
00:53:44someone
00:53:44in the eye i'm like i guess we're in love now you know it's too much contact i can't take
00:53:49it it
00:53:49bothers me i messaged you on facebook the next morning yeah and um and i was like we made eye
00:53:56contact more than once so i take it we're in love now yeah pretty good line pretty good she's incredibly
00:54:02anxious which is nice but she has crazy anxiety but she's not an introvert you have anxiety like
00:54:09what's going to happen in the future oh exactly where the hell are we going to be like existential
00:54:13and annoying than his is you know mine's more social right like every day i come i'm like what am
00:54:18i
00:54:18what if i never find my passion like we were just having a great night post-coital naked couch
00:54:25hugging watching some tv show and she was just like my anxiety is through the roof and i was like
00:54:30what i'm going up this is great what are you talking about post-sex everything's good everybody
00:54:36orgasm naked we ate tv doors locked and she's like i'm just worried about you know my future and i'm
00:54:44like your future you could go for soup today oh let me go to what's that place by your house
00:55:04um the place that i get samples all the time yeah yeah and then promptly leave without buying anything
00:55:08uh-huh true i have to document what we're gonna do you have to help me with an exposure if
00:55:14you don't
00:55:14mind okay can you come back over here lick your hand and then put it from palm to fingertips from
00:55:22palm
00:55:23to fingertips you can wash your hand if you want no okay he did it i can see the spit
00:55:30okay good now touch
00:55:31it and then lick your wear it i love you don't push my hand down now you lick it i
00:55:39have really yeah
00:55:45welcome to exposure therapy tongue to hand like it's not you i promise it's the idea of looking spit
00:55:54all right well don't let it dry come on now thank you all right five times a day good work
00:55:59we have to do
00:56:00that five times a day okay you don't want me to touch you my wife says i dissociate when we
00:56:12have
00:56:12sometimes hard talks like hard relationship talks i start to i literally look at the clock and start
00:56:17staring at the clock and then just as if my body is melting i just slowly but slowly kind of
00:56:23just my
00:56:24chest caves in and my head comes down and i won't speak and she's like are you okay are you
00:56:30okay it's
00:56:31super convenient for a relationship for when you want to say something to your husband and he
00:56:39goes into the doldrums for 30 minutes at the simple things really easy stuff to manage
00:56:48always trying to get better i'm a weirdo that's why i drink big fan of the booze i got to
00:56:52cut back
00:56:52i actually got let go from a job once for being drunk at work my boss called me and he
00:56:58goes get
00:56:58in here mark it's clear you're a high functioning alcoholic i was like wow how do you know i was
00:57:03also
00:57:03high totally self-medicating with the drinking i i i enjoy beer like i like a glass of beer i
00:57:10like a scotch
00:57:12but there's definitely a point where i go all right i'm pretty buzzed i could stop and i just
00:57:16keep going because you're like well this feels good why not keep going and then you're blacked out
00:57:20then you wet the bed and then you're married in vegas i drank that's how i self-medicated i was
00:57:25an
00:57:25alcohol i mean i am an alcoholic i'm in recovery but i drank an exceptional amount because that felt
00:57:32like i can sort of drown this or drink it away and you feel now i'm confident and less worried
00:57:38in your
00:57:38mind and then when you're hung over like alcohol is a depressant which you're not really aware of
00:57:44or keeping in mind you're just sort of drinking because it feels like it's making you happy but
00:57:48then you're just dumping a depressant on top of depression anxiety and insecurity
00:57:55i mean i genuinely think if comedy didn't exist as an art form i don't i mean i might literally
00:58:01have
00:58:01killed myself i mean i was dealing with such anxiety and panic and depression and
00:58:06i had that thing to go to and and i don't know yeah it's definitely been a
00:58:13a huge part of who i am and helped me through it there's a lot of things i don't give
00:58:18a
00:58:18shit about that i used to that were big anxiety producing things and i think with age and and
00:58:24certainly with money um a lot of that stuff is sort of like just null and void and it's a
00:58:29relief
00:58:30but then you you know you start to get into deeper issues like why am i still not enjoying myself
00:58:36why
00:58:36am i you know still like you know feeling like less than or uh uncomfortable in certain situations
00:58:43what is that about so we are going to the fair um usually i probably would hang back at the
00:58:53house
00:58:54but i am going to challenge myself to go um and not
00:59:03and in the words of natalie bite my tongue i've seen a lot of videos of fair rides flying off
00:59:10and killing
00:59:14um but the likelihood of that happening is very small so i'm going to try and go and have a
00:59:19good
00:59:19time so first things first updates we were emailing each other over the weekend because you were going
00:59:26to the fair and that was causing you some anxiety just right off the bat we're just jumping right into
00:59:31why not okay why not i was ready for pleasantries but we can just um i i did okay at
00:59:39the fair and then
00:59:40my kids wanted to go on this ride that i had seen a video you might have seen it but
00:59:45the ride was um
00:59:47it goes like this in a circle really fast it was starting to fall back and everybody at the fair
00:59:53had
00:59:53to come and jump on the railing to counterbalance it and that's the ride my kids wanted to go on
00:59:59and
00:59:59so i was having a nervous breakdown i couldn't watch but then i was like that defeats the purpose
01:00:03so i forced myself to watch but i was miserable and i was snapping on my husband and he's like
01:00:11what's wrong with you and i'm like what do you mean what's wrong with me and as soon as they
01:00:17got
01:00:17off the ride that i was scared of chloe said it was horrible kaden puked in a garbage can
01:00:22it was really rough for all of us and your kids could tell you were anxious at the fair
01:00:29yeah probably i i at that point yeah they could definitely tell for sure your kids come first
01:00:37throughout this entire process your kids come first it would have been fine if you walked away
01:00:41for a little bit until you you know felt a little bit better the anxiety went down a little bit
01:00:46better
01:00:46and then come back because at the end of the day we want to make sure that they're not seeing
01:00:51their
01:00:52mom anxious all the time and that they can enjoy themselves yeah that makes sense i thought i could
01:01:06i'm just tired of being scared all the time i'm just it's just exhausting yes i'm just being like i
01:01:11i'm scared that like i like this i'm this person's gonna be right i'm scared that i'm a failure i'm
01:01:16scared that i'm this that in the third i'm like i'm done with that yeah i'm just tired of that
01:01:21feeling
01:01:21i feel i don't want that to be the thing that propels me forward in life well it's gotten me
01:01:26this
01:01:26far but i'm like i don't want that to be the thing anymore there is no like you're gonna everything's
01:01:32gonna magically click into place like a reverse jenga where you find it you'll find the peace and then
01:01:37the tower builds itself off of that yeah you're always gonna be in some way actively involved in your
01:01:45own mental health you want to get better yeah like you know you want to you want to be a
01:01:49person
01:01:50that is no longer scared yeah and by the way when i say all these things i'm not saying it
01:01:54from a
01:01:54place of like i i mastered it yeah yeah i figured it all out just do what i did i'm
01:01:59still in the in
01:02:00the grips of trying to figure it out myself i think i'm spiritual maybe i don't know nah probably not
01:02:11like when did when did this question become so popular like i get it like three or four times
01:02:14a week hey are you meditating do you meditate it's like what's happening when did that why is
01:02:18everyone asking me that like does that happen to you or is it crazy like are you meditating like
01:02:24wait are you guys part of the same team why you at no i'm not fucking meditating but in all
01:02:29honesty
01:02:30i got to where you needed to be the one time i meditated successfully i cleared my mind i cleared
01:02:34my ego everything was open i hit that point of zen and all i could hear was my breath and
01:02:42my heart
01:02:42beating and right at that moment i thought this could fucking stop at any second
01:02:53let your attention go inward and notice if there's tension in your body
01:03:01notice the breathing sometimes it helps to take a long deep slow in breath
01:03:09out breath counting to four or five and then a slow out breath counting to four or five
01:03:18and do it a few rounds so that when you inhale you're kind of filling your chest and lungs
01:03:25and with the out breath it's slow enough so you can feel the sensations of letting go
01:03:31that's right letting go that's right letting go so as you now bring your attention to scanning your life
01:03:40and sensing that situation that most triggers a reaction
01:03:51recognizing whatever's predominant
01:03:56what's going to happen to you know what's going to happen to you know i think it's a desire for
01:04:00peace a feeling of peace for myself and for
01:04:04my um family and people i love
01:04:08i guess there's a lot of uh pain there fear and pain anger
01:04:14can you just let them be here for now
01:04:20and begin to investigate what is it you're believing that kind of makes you feel stuck
01:04:30makes you feel anxious makes you feel angry well it feels like everybody i've ever met is seeing and
01:04:37judging me which i feel strange to say but that's in there somehow
01:04:47all right let's do a word short okay um biggest fear of where your kids are going to die
01:04:53most freaking life ruining one is choking and me not being able to heimlich them okay or getting
01:05:01kidnapped we'll do the choking okay and where would they choke would this be in public or at home like
01:05:07what's most of the image in your head home okay oh god any of them when i'm not home nobody
01:05:13else
01:05:13watches them like i know it's better if you see them die for this and for the for the worry
01:05:18script
01:05:18it's just much more impactful if you like see it all right i just don't even want to know where
01:05:23this
01:05:24is going all right let me write this up real quick
01:05:32so the point isn't that we get rid of discomfort or all anxiety it's just so that it your
01:05:39brain becomes a bit bored with the thoughts that you keep having like choking and then therefore
01:05:45it doesn't rule your life so five times a day you got to read that repeatedly read out loud
01:05:51i'm screaming chloe's name she's thrashing around on the ground by the kitchen table with her hands
01:05:57around her throat i see that there's still part of a hot dog on a plate from lunch i ask
01:06:03her if she
01:06:03ate a hot dog she can't respond i run to get the choker from the drawer fuck my hands are
01:06:09shaking too
01:06:10much to use it i look at chloe and a single tear goes down her cheek i tell her i
01:06:16love her
01:06:19you got this let's just continue to read you got this me love you to write that well but it's
01:06:25not
01:06:26on purpose i hope you know that the worry script is you think about what your fear is and if
01:06:32it's put
01:06:33in a paragraph form the whole point of worry script is to burn out whatever fear somebody has right
01:06:38whether it's somebody drowning in a pool whether it's some well for some people it's like getting
01:06:41fired or going broke whatever fear somebody has where we can't do an in vivo exposure we got to
01:06:46do a worry script did you hear any of that yeah uh so you don't allow the kids to be
01:06:55alone ever no okay
01:06:56good so i want you to leave the kids alone at least once a day where you go shower or
01:07:00read a book this is
01:07:02dangerous and if you don't improve on this the impact this is going to have on your kids is dangerous
01:07:10so every day there needs to be at some instance where the kids are left alone like how long
01:07:16typically until your anxiety goes down okay but i can i tell them not to i always
01:07:20if i have to run no instructions no one's not eating no instructions i don't even think they'll let me
01:07:29be alone i'm gonna go upstairs for a couple of minutes okay
01:07:37i already got that one hey guys i'm gonna go upstairs for a couple of minutes okay okay
01:07:44because i have to do something okay all right love you
01:08:01um so they could give two ships literally first time i said it they just ignored me
01:08:09and then i was like hey guys go go and they're like fine i don't think they're old enough to
01:08:15be on
01:08:15their own really but it sounds like they're fine
01:08:29i didn't fix this board
01:08:34okay so that's you know what that's fine
01:08:40oh my laundry pile's there so let's
01:08:46i can hear them talking so i like that
01:08:58it's really weird
01:09:02i'm there there's nothing on my side i'm just clicking buttons because i can't focus
01:09:07just be relaxed just casual
01:09:12i don't know what to read
01:09:16my anxiety stopped me from having children but i'm not sad about it my
01:09:26panic and and worry level is it operates in such a way that it just would not it just seems
01:09:32like a
01:09:33nightmare to me i lock up the house i turn out the lights i'm about to go to bed and
01:09:37out on the front
01:09:37porch i hear yeah yeah yeah and i'm like what and i go pull the curtain back and there's this
01:09:45little
01:09:46like two-month-old black kitten sitting there
01:09:52that's the proper response that is not the response i had my response was oh
01:09:59fuck
01:10:05now i gotta fucking love you now
01:10:10okay little baby my quarantine baby my quarantine baby
01:10:18i'm very embarrassed my cat has been diagnosed with anxiety i'm like
01:10:22it is my fault it must be it just can't be that he's anxious too somehow
01:10:27i went to the vet and they were like he's a nervous boy and i was like
01:10:31why and i think that he just is like that and he was born that way he's so cute he's
01:10:40horrible though
01:10:42i love him
01:10:44i had to give him an anti-anxiety pill and now he's like flopping around i'm like god i need
01:10:51one of
01:10:51these but i don't because they knock me out
01:10:56it's like i have never taken pills consistently but i i mean i definitely would try
01:11:04a medication that i knew wouldn't change like the fabric of who i am
01:11:10but calmed my thoughts i haven't really dove into like learning about that
01:11:18but i would
01:11:21i like this noise i find it soothing
01:11:29i was on paxill for a couple years and then i just didn't want to be on it anymore
01:11:35i feel like a lot of these things can be combated through therapy and acceptance and meditation and
01:11:43stuff and um a lot can't i want to dismiss people that because certainly there's people that
01:11:49need medication it's changed their lives so i don't want to be anti-medicine i just personally
01:11:53didn't want to be part of that there's definitely been times where i'm like i should be on
01:11:58medication this is a problem but i've gotten through it there is no way to pick up pills that
01:12:07you've spilled on the ground without looking like a total human red flag
01:12:14you know there's just no way to be like oh
01:12:19oh this is what i meant to do and everything is going great i'm on primarily antidepressants but they
01:12:30all are ones that also help with anxiety i have friends who like are very anti-medication and stuff
01:12:38but for me at least personally i was like well if i don't take medication i won't even be able
01:12:44to
01:12:44like show up to be funny so i think it's not as much of an option for me
01:12:57that's the worst part chloe stares at me frightened like she's pleading for help
01:13:03when i read it in the office i wanted to die i cried like a kid and now reading it
01:13:09it doesn't feel
01:13:09the same as it did because i already i already know what's coming did you habituate to the worry
01:13:16script habituate meaning like if you were to write it now does it seem stupid it was day two
01:13:23when i habituated to the worries i couldn't feel anything i'm trying to relax more it's hard i got
01:13:30into buddhism i'm like a buddhist sort of i read a buddhist book you know it wasn't a book it
01:13:35was a
01:13:35meme if i'm being honest with you guys but i like to say book you sound smarter when you say
01:13:40you read a
01:13:40book but memes are more they're preferable they're more succinct you know this is what it said it had a
01:13:45good quote it said let negative thoughts come into your head but don't serve them tea
01:13:53because you don't want your negative thoughts lingering around drinking tea
01:13:58that's like the analogy i guess my negative thoughts aren't drinking tea mine are doing cocaine
01:14:02that's a better analogy my negative thoughts are like climate change is going to make the world
01:14:06uninhabitable tomorrow
01:14:14recall the initial situation that triggered you so you're including that in your awareness
01:14:24and just sense whatever wants to unfold from that just notice what happens
01:14:33i guess just a feeling of
01:14:37this um
01:14:40i can't solve these other people's uh problems and that's okay
01:14:49i do feel less angry and anxious about it and more just aware of it and maybe it's sad
01:14:56as opposed to angry and fearful
01:14:58mm-hmm okay so
01:15:03notice the possibility of in some way honoring sad you know okay this too it's sad
01:15:13the hardest thing in the world is to be with the feelings we don't want to be with
01:15:22and the more you get familiar with it the more you get to inhabit it really
01:15:30feel free to open your eyes and move around and all that welcome back oh thank you yeah
01:15:39um yeah it felt intense i get it yeah um yeah i don't know it feels it feels good you
01:15:53know it's
01:15:53not meant to be like you know check got that one work you know this is you're getting more awake
01:15:59to
01:15:59yourself right yeah no it was good and towards the end there i did feel
01:16:06positive and more that feeling of no i'm a good person you know and i don't have to feel these
01:16:13negative feelings so much you know you have to kind of almost like you're sifting through a jungle
01:16:19you have to hack at these different weeds and stuff that are in the way to get to the treasure
01:16:24of
01:16:25whatever it is that you are actually feeling whatever it is that is the real hole the real
01:16:31um piece of you that you feel is broken or missing or wrong that you are trying to avoid you
01:16:39can come
01:16:40say hi real quick if you'd like hey hi we're gonna try to get you to do more fun things
01:16:47so that mommy
01:16:48isn't so scared all the time why do you think mommy gets scared because you don't want me to get
01:16:54hurt
01:16:54yeah but nobody wants anybody to get hurt and we still just have to do things right chloe
01:17:01yeah he's the scaredest one in our family well that's changing that's changing quickly all right
01:17:08i'll be out soon i love you all cool all right bye
01:17:13i'm not gonna do it okay
01:17:18it's not like you love your children more than other people love their children
01:17:22i don't know anxiety with love don't confuse those two whoa let me write that down
01:17:32that was deep
01:17:37the amount i stress over them does not it's not equal fair and helpful
01:17:47therapists always give me like little assignments like i'll be like this guy hates me i know he hates me
01:17:51i don't know how to act around him because i can't be myself and i can't be comfortable he's
01:17:55like just go ask him and i'm like what are you crazy i can't do that you can't ask a
01:17:59guy if he hates
01:17:59you if he hates you and he was like just ask him so i would be like okay and i
01:18:03would go up to be like
01:18:04you hate me and they would always be like what no i don't even think about you and he would
01:18:08say stuff
01:18:08like stop putting thoughts in other people's heads and if you do you got to just drop it yeah i
01:18:14think i've
01:18:15been trying to work on my brain on my own i found out my therapist is raising her rates um
01:18:20yes so i
01:18:21guess i'm cured very exciting thank you
01:18:29sometimes you don't realize how close you are to a breakthrough and then there it is i think growth
01:18:36works in mysterious ways it's hard to exist with it but i think weirdly it even when it's gotten
01:18:44really bad like i know i've been able to get through things with it so i think in that sense
01:18:52that's like what keeps me going where it's like oh but you've been here before like you know your way
01:18:57out even even if it feels like particularly terrible today like you've gotten through it before so
01:19:04that sort of keeps me grounded everything in life is accepted to accept that this is your situation
01:19:16you have it and that immediately alleviates us to go yeah i'm anxious but that's okay just accept that
01:19:22you're anxious right now or accept that you're afraid of that activity or accept that you're mad at
01:19:27something those are all okay instead of just going god i'm mad at that i shouldn't be mad i should
01:19:32be
01:19:32happy and enough of getting rid of those i shouldn't feel this way and just say no i do feel
01:19:38this way
01:19:38that's okay i just like you know it's like what do we think we're going to do like if you're
01:19:44incapacitated and and your life is unmanageable for whatever reason you know you should fix that
01:19:50if you're uncomfortable but you're okay that might just be you
01:19:58i think i would like to find more moments of calm i definitely feel far from experiencing like
01:20:05calm a lot of the time but i i think i've had my anxiety for long enough that i'm starting
01:20:12to
01:20:12understand when my body's sending off like fire alarms and it's not real and i'm like okay that's what
01:20:20you're experiencing because you're worried about this outcome that is super not likely to happen
01:20:27all right so when do you want to do the sleepover we'll have to make a firm plan of when
01:20:31it's going
01:20:31to be i'll start really giving it some thought i definitely don't feel the same way at the thought
01:20:37of it as i once did i feel like the first time we talked about i'm pretty sure i cried
01:20:43and now the idea isn't doesn't invoke those emotions for me yeah i don't think it'll be that bad
01:20:54please give a warm welcome to mark norman
01:21:02hey hey comedy good to be here i love a roof gig this goes horribly i can just jump right
01:21:10off
01:21:12i'm doing good i'm in therapy drinking less career's going all right so yeah everything's
01:21:18kicked up a notch in the positive world but uh who knows could all go to hell tomorrow
01:21:31oh yeah it's gonna be awesome
01:21:38this is my wife sarah talavash my best bud my main man like i said this to my therapist once
01:21:46where i was
01:21:46like i feel great i feel like i don't even need to be here anymore and he's like well as
01:21:50i would say you are not done with therapy and then of course uh you know a week later i'm
01:21:54like
01:21:55losing my mind
01:22:07so my so my son was at the next door neighbor's house playing and he just called his dad his
01:22:14dad had it on speaker and cana was like dad can i stay the night at alexander's
01:22:22and then his dad said we got to ask your mom and i said yes
01:22:29i said yeah and on the other end of the phone i heard both boys say yes
01:22:37yes and i've never heard my son that excited before like granted it's next door right and
01:22:47granted his friend's dad is a police officer
01:22:50but i'm just saying uh caden's having his first sleepover tonight
01:22:56ever
01:22:58i just i just wanna feel good
01:23:02i just wanna feel good
01:23:14i just wanna
01:23:15i just wanna
01:23:26i'm not even close to kidding write it in an email
01:23:33i just wanna
01:23:34i just wanna feel good
01:23:37i just wanna be
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