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We deliver full episodes of top drama series across romance, thriller, mystery, crime, and emotional storytelling. From Turkish dramas and Asian series to global hits, our content is carefully selected to match what audiences are searching for right now.
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TVTranscript
00:00Chilly Chilly Chilly Chilly
00:03Chilly Chilly Chilly
00:04Chilly Con Conny
00:06Chilly Chilly Con Conny
00:09Chilly Chilly Con Conny
00:11Chilly Con Conny
00:12Ken Pritchard's Chilly
00:14Chilly Con Conny
00:16I tell you
00:18Bess will not be able to resist my famous chilli
00:22Your mother never could
00:23She will be putty in my hands
00:32Oh there you are, are you enjoying your book?
00:35Don't enjoy Stanislavski Dad, you learn
00:39You embrace
00:41You transcend
00:42You got cowboys innit? Sure
00:44Oregano, oregano please
00:49Erm
00:49I've been meaning to say about the other day
00:53In the woods with Emily
00:54I don't know what you saw
00:56Or what you think you saw
00:58Erm, but it's nothing
01:01Right, right, okay
01:02Yeah?
01:05What is that I meant to have seen?
01:07Are you saying that you
01:09Didn't see?
01:11I don't know
01:12Did you see anything?
01:16No
01:18Sorry
01:18Sorry
01:19Just ignore me
01:22Oregano?
01:24I thank you
01:24I thank you
01:27You mean the kiss?
01:35Yes
01:35It is really important
01:37That when Beth comes round
01:38That you don't mention that me and Emily kissed
01:42Right
01:43Say no more
01:45Really?
01:47Great
01:48That was easy
01:49But I can mention it to Beth
01:51Yeah
01:52Sit back down again
01:55Don't mention it
01:57To anyone
01:59Mention it?
01:59No
02:01Don't mention it
02:02Well er
02:02Which is it Richard?
02:04Let's go with
02:05Don't mention it
02:05So I have not to mention it now
02:07Mentioning it
02:08Was never an option
02:10Let's take mentioning it
02:11Off the table
02:12Got you
02:13Do you?
02:15No
02:17Okay
02:18It's very simple
02:19Just don't talk about me and Emily
02:22In the woods
02:24At any point in time
02:26To anyone
02:27Mention it
02:28No it's don't mention it
02:29It was only ever don't mention it
02:30Is that the way you always do it by the way?
02:33What?
02:34Kiss
02:34What's wrong with the way I kiss?
02:36When you kiss a lady on the mouth
02:38My life might be in the toilet
02:40But watching my dad when she's own hand is a low
02:43I will not stoop to
02:54What are you staring at?
02:55Er
02:56That damp patch up there
02:57I should have painted that before Beth came over
03:01That's the first thing she's going to see when she walks in here
03:03I don't think so
03:05No?
03:06No
03:06I think she's far more likely to see the fly graveyard here
03:09Well that's your fault for making me put the spiders outside
03:13Now you hoover that up
03:14And I'll paint over that
03:15Dad how many times are you too old to be going to ladders at your age?
03:18Look I'll hoover and you just ignore the paint
03:20I'll use the good ladders if that puts your mind at ease
03:23No it's the fact you still keep bad ladders is my point
03:28I er, I wanted to ask you something son
03:30Oh yeah?
03:33Salt pies
03:37It's er, it's about Beth and your mother
03:41Do you maybe not want to eat something while...
03:43Oh never mind
03:44Are you enjoying that?
03:45Mmm, that's really
03:46Mmm good
03:47We were two of this actually
03:49Yeah but that's why I said not to do it
03:51Don't have another bit
03:53Yeah
03:53Yeah
03:56Well
03:57It was just the other day
04:00I thought I saw your mother
04:03I mean it was just for a second you know
04:05And I knew it wasn't her
04:07But er
04:09Well I kinda went a bit tingly
04:11And I was wondering maybe if it was a message
04:14From your mother
04:16To say that
04:17Me seeing Beth was
04:20Hurting her feelings
04:23Do you want to know what I think?
04:25I do
04:26I think
04:29The dead don't send us messages
04:32I just think
04:33They want us to
04:35Carry on with our lives
04:38Okay
04:40Of course
04:41Thanks son
04:43Sure
04:45Anytime
04:47And just
04:48Maybe to clarify
04:50A wee bit
04:50You know
04:51It couldn't actually have been your mother
04:52Could it?
04:54Like a ghost or something
04:56Dad, come on
04:58Don't be silly
04:59There's no such thing as ghosts
05:03Sure
05:19Why are you wearing your painting clothes?
05:21Well
05:21What else am I gonna paint in?
05:23No no we've been through this
05:24You're not painting in anything
05:25I'm not painting naked Richard
05:27You're not painting at all
05:28This'll only take five minutes
05:29Alright fine
05:30End up in hospital
05:31See if I care
05:32Oh don't be so bloody dramatic
05:33I'm just trying to look after you
05:35I don't know why you insist on making it so difficult
05:39Oh
05:39Oh and he's using the bad ladders
05:40Well this is brilliant
05:42These are not the bad ladders Richard
05:44It's just
05:45Not as new
05:46As the good ladders
05:47Dad
05:48They're a death trap
05:50Alright fine
05:51Okay you've got your way again
05:52I'll do it
05:53I'm not asking you to do it
05:54Dad
05:54I'm doing it
05:55Alright
05:55Up you go then
05:56Well I'm obviously not using these
05:57Where are the good ladders?
05:58They're out the back
06:00Why?
06:00Because I feel bad for these ladders
06:02And if I keep the other ladders outside
06:03Well these
06:04These ladders feel a bit more important
06:06Like they still have some kind of use in life
06:08You know
06:09Sorry
06:09Are these Pixar ladders?
06:11Listen
06:12These ladders
06:12Have seen me through
06:14Countless paint jobs
06:15And gutter clearances
06:16I built your cot with these ladders
06:18Why the hell were you using a ladder
06:20To build a cot?
06:21In all my time
06:22These ladders have laddered it
06:23These ladders are part of the family
06:25Okay
06:26Just
06:27Just so I get this straight
06:27You keep Buzz Lightyear out there
06:29To keep old Woody here's nose and joint
06:31Is that
06:31I'll be Lightyear's boy
06:32That works for the library
06:33What's he got to do?
06:34Okay
06:34Right I'm getting the good ladders
06:38Take no notice
06:47Sally hi
06:48Richard
06:49How are you?
06:50Well you know
06:51Getting by
06:52Well I wish you were
06:53Then I'd get my 10%
06:55Well has anything come in?
06:56No but I'm working on a plan for that
06:59Safe space yeah?
07:01Sure
07:01The thing is I've just come back from a course on diversity
07:04Which I was made to attend for reasons I'm not allowed to go into
07:07Some specky twat in HR's idea you know
07:10Yeah I'm starting to see why they made you do the course
07:12Anyways one thing I learned was
07:14Apparently some disabilities are invisible
07:18Okay
07:19Yes so
07:20What should we put you down for?
07:23What
07:23What can we put me down for?
07:25You need a USP Richard
07:27This could be it
07:28All I'm saying is if we add an invisible disability to your CV
07:31We might actually get you some auditions
07:34I don't have an invisible disability
07:36Prove it
07:37Well
07:38Well I can't
07:39Well exactly you see
07:41So we are on the same page then
07:43No no we're not on the same page
07:44And I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened
07:46Why don't we start with snow blindness and see if we get any bites
07:51Always a pleasure Sally
07:52Peppa got me a list of every invisible disability tootsuite
08:01Help
08:03Mr. Pritch
08:04Help
08:06Mr. Pritch
08:06Help
08:09Mr. Pritch
08:11Help
08:13Oh my god
08:14Oh
08:14I've fallen over the ladder
08:16Okay
08:17Just hang on a minute
08:18Let's get this up
08:21Okay
08:21Right let's get you up
08:23Oh my god my god my god
08:25Right change of plan let's get you down
08:27Where's Richard?
08:28He's outside
08:29Okay right stay there obviously and I'll go get him
08:32No no no no no no no no no
08:33He hasn't seen me
08:34Just please don't mention it to him
08:36Just help me up into the armchair
08:38No I don't think I can do that
08:40Oh please
08:41Please Emily
08:42Let's just keep this between you and I
08:44He'll only get me into trouble
08:49Oh
08:50Shut up
08:52Okay okay
08:53Fine
08:54Yeah we done
08:55What would I do without you
08:57One
08:58Two
08:58Three
09:01Careful
09:02Careful
09:03Gentle
09:07How are you feeling?
09:12Yeah I'm all right I'm all right I'm all right
09:15Er
09:16Mr Pritch
09:17I er
09:17I wanted to catch you before
09:19Beth came over
09:21About what you might have seen in the woods the other day
09:24Oh you're okay you're okay
09:26I've already been briefed to keep
09:28Shhh to me about the kiss by his lordship
09:30Oh great
09:33And here
09:33Don't worry
09:34I'm going to talk to him about his technique
09:38He'll be ready for you the next time
09:40Oh
09:41Oh okay
09:42Oh the television television
09:49Emily
09:50Hi
09:51Richard hi
09:52Hi
09:53Erm I was just chatting to your dad about erm
09:55You know
09:57And
09:57How it would be great if he didn't mention anything about the er
10:00You know
10:01To Beth
10:02Yeah er
10:03He knows
10:06Knows what?
10:08That you've not to mention what you've not to mention
10:11Yes yes yes yes
10:12I'm not going to mention it
10:14Great
10:15And if I do mention it
10:16It'll be an accident
10:17Okay erm
10:18Can you just be really deliberate about what you talk about
10:21You know stay clear of anything to do with er
10:23You know kissing or lips or woods
10:26It'll leave me much else is it?
10:27Dad you could talk about literally anything else
10:30All right all right all right
10:32Cool
10:32Well that seems sorted then
10:34Erm
10:35Actually I do need to talk to you about something too
10:38Definitely
10:40Dad
10:41Could you give us a minute?
10:46No
10:54Yeah sorry about him
10:55I don't know what that was all about
10:56Okay
10:58Welcome to MTV Cribs
11:01This is where all the magic happens
11:04I mean a joke put it off to both just me in here with an amateur magic kit
11:07It's smaller than I remember
11:09Yeah
11:09I think that's because we've grown
11:11Yes I didn't think the room had shrunk Richard
11:13No
11:16So
11:17How are you?
11:19I'm good
11:21Am I good? Don't know
11:22Erm
11:22I need to talk to you about something
11:24That's so good because I need to talk to you too
11:26Since we kissed it's like this fog has been lifted from my brain
11:31And I was worried you might have regretted it or you pretend it hadn't happened
11:34I'm going to New Zealand
11:37What?
11:42I'm going to New Zealand
11:47Sorry just to be clear this is with Tim
11:52It is
11:53It is
11:53Would it be weird if I came with you?
11:56Yeah
11:56Yeah I thought the minute I said that I thought it sounded weird
11:59I'm sorry
12:01Hey
12:01Forgot about it
12:03I mean we could have an actual proper conversation about it
12:08If you like
12:09No it's fine
12:10You're with Tim now
12:12On the other side of the world
12:14So
12:15It is the definition of
12:18Of
12:18Fine
12:20I'm sorry
12:23Actually I'm not sorry
12:26I've found out of saying sorry all the time
12:28You know I say sorry to people on the street who walk into me
12:32I mean what is that?
12:33And why do I do that?
12:34I don't want to be the sorry person anymore
12:36I want to be the person who in ten years time actually
12:40You know?
12:41I want to be that person
12:43But you could lie about it
12:45I want to go
12:46I want to do things
12:47I want to be in a Fleetwood Mac song you know?
12:51I want to go my own way
12:53Well if I could name another Fleetwood Mac song
12:56Landslide
12:57Of which there are a lot in New Zealand
12:59I did a geography project on it in my fourth year of school
13:02But the only thing I have to be sorry for is
13:05Is that we kissed
13:07I don't do that
13:10I don't cheat
13:13I take it Tim didn't see
13:16No
13:17And I don't want him to ever find out
13:22It was a mistake Richard
13:25Yeah totally
13:28Richard!
13:30Where's the door?
13:32Can you not get it?
13:36No
13:38Hello Richard
13:40Have you been crying?
13:42No
13:43You look like you've been crying doesn't you Tim?
13:45Yeah, bottom lips definitely quivering there mate
13:48Do you want to come in?
13:50Yeah
13:50Oh great
13:53Okay
13:54Emily
13:55Hi babe
13:55What are you doing here?
13:57Well I just thought I'd give mum a lift
13:58Oh
13:58What are you doing here?
14:00Oh well I knew you'd be giving your mum a lift
14:02Because you're so bloody nice
14:04So I thought I'd meet you here
14:06Yeah
14:08And I'm here because I live here
14:13Hello Beth
14:15What did he say?
14:16He said hello Beth
14:17Oh
14:18Hello Ken
14:22What did she say Richard?
14:24Dad can you just come through?
14:26No no I'm fine here
14:28Do you want us to come through Ken?
14:36What did she say Richard?
14:38Shall we just go through?
14:39Yeah
14:40Why don't you bring them through here Richard?
14:49Sorry about my appearance
14:50I was going to get changed
14:51I seem to
14:52Lost track of time
14:53Oh I think you look nice
14:55I like an elasticated waistband on a man don't I Tim?
15:00She does yes
15:02Hey Richard why don't you pop through and get some drinks for people
15:05Maybe check in the chilli while you're at it
15:09Why can you?
15:12Remember just do that please
15:20You couldn't pass me my book could you?
15:24Yes I could pass you
15:25I'd be happy to
15:31There you go
15:34Well you couldn't pass me a tissue as well could you?
15:37What? Tissue as well yes I can do that
15:44I knew it
15:45You went up the ladder didn't you?
15:46Yes
15:46And you fell off?
15:47Yes
15:48Oh Ken are you alright?
15:49No no no don't feel sorry for him
15:50I told him this would happen didn't I?
15:52Yes
15:52Yes yes yes yes
15:53What and then you thought oh I'll just keep it a secret for the whole evening
15:56And to top it off you make Emily cover for you?
15:59I'm keeping that many secrets at the moment it just seemed the natural thing to do
16:03I think me and Tim should probably get out of your hair
16:06No no no no don't go on his account honestly it's that living with a bloody babysitter
16:10Maybe that's because you make me act like a babysitter
16:12Guys would it help if we ran through some conflict resolution techniques?
16:17Lift the mood?
16:17Probably not
16:18No
16:18I mean what if you'd actually hurt yourself and for what just to make a point?
16:22Everything's a bloody lecture with you
16:24Fellas
16:24No hold on all I want is for you to take care of yourself but instead you just insist on
16:29pretending you're a 25 year old instead of a 75 year old
16:31Seriously guys
16:32Hold on Tim
16:33No it's just that
16:34I really need to say this
16:35Sorry guys I don't want to stifle your truth it's just that the kitchen
16:37Sure you are
16:38You are an agent of
16:40You see?
16:42Exactly my point
16:52Well the good news is the rice is still fine
16:56Yeah
17:00That's most of it away
17:01I'm sorry about this Beth
17:03Oh not to worry I wasn't that hungry anyway
17:05Oh
17:06We could do something else
17:11Have you got any board games?
17:13I do
17:14Where is that pub quiz one Richard?
17:16No it's out of date
17:17We're not gonna eat it
17:18No it's in it it's outdated
17:20I mean one of the questions was name the three sugar babes
17:24Is that wrong?
17:25Oh yeah it's wrong because there's six sugar babes in total after all the line up changes
17:29You know with Heidi and Mal and Jade coming in afterwards
17:32Whereas the question only relates to the original three you know, Mucha, Keisha and Siobhan
17:39Sorry I don't know what I know
17:41So much about the sugar babes
17:43I know a game we can play
17:46Wee
17:48So I'm a woman?
17:50Yes
17:50I'm Scottish
17:52That's right
17:52But I'm not an actor, musician, novelist or athlete of any kind?
17:59No
18:01I'll give up
18:02No you can't give up
18:04Come on you're almost there
18:05And what way am I almost there?
18:06You've just got to keep asking
18:08Well we can
18:09Am I a war correspondent?
18:12No you're not
18:13But in time you could be
18:15What?
18:18Who the hell is Celeste Frick?
18:21Who the hell is Celeste Frick?
18:23She is a reporter on the Forrest Gazette
18:27Easier than yours to be fair
18:29Right okay my turn
18:31Am I a fan of this person?
18:33Yes
18:34Stephen Bartlett?
18:34No
18:35Gary Neville?
18:36No wait
18:36Jake Humphrey?
18:37No no no you need to ask more general questions
18:39Gordon Ramsay
18:39And the game's over
18:40Oh no
18:41You haven't done me yet
18:44Am I still active?
18:45Teeps?
18:51Hello
18:53Cheers.
18:55Cheers.
19:00Cheers.
19:03Cheers.
19:09489.
19:11Yes!
19:12Oh my god!
19:14What a guess!
19:15Bye bye!
19:16Thanks!
19:17It's 21.
19:19Ha ha ha ha!
19:23Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!
19:26Yay!
19:29Praise you guys!
19:32The Earth's atmosphere
19:35is primarily composed of
19:37what? Two gases!
19:39How farts!
19:41I think you're along
19:43the right lines!
19:45Farts and hydrogen!
19:48Yes!
19:51Thank you!
19:53Thank you!
20:04Mind if I join you?
20:06Surprised you made it down the stairs.
20:08Yeah, well, the pain's eased
20:09at the top. All the whiskey
20:11kicking in. That and the
20:14dihydrocodine.
20:14Should you be taking that without a prescription?
20:17Oh, do shut up!
20:22Trouble is, I am 25 up here.
20:27I mean, I can get my head around
20:29not being able to drive.
20:30Well, almost.
20:33But being told you can't do
20:35a wee bit of painting, really.
20:39That's why I...
20:40That's why I keep the bad ladders.
20:42I know exactly what they're going through.
20:49Emily's moving to New Zealand with Tim.
20:54Yeah.
20:57That won't last forever.
21:03Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, son.
21:11I can't believe
21:12I'm gonna...
21:13All we have is the future.
21:16And he's right.
21:19Everything else just goes by in a flash.
21:23I shouldn't have waited so long.
21:24I should have just done what my heart
21:25was telling me to do from the start.
21:32What?
21:34No, no, no. Nothing. Nothing at all.
21:37They sent me out to tell you
21:38that charades are starting.
21:40They're very excited about it.
21:44Oh, that's me seized up again.
21:47That's your fault for making me sit on this wall.
21:49My fault? Are you winding me up?
21:51You'll need to help me up.
21:52Go ahead.
21:56Tell them there'll be an hour.
21:58Don't be some bloody cheeky.
22:03Oh, it's a book.
22:04A book!
22:05I got it.
22:06Yeah, you're supposed to guess the name of the book, Mum.
22:07Oh, yes, of course.
22:09Moby Dick.
22:10I need to mime it first.
22:12Is it How To Cope With Anxiety by Martin Koston?
22:15How would I mime that?
22:16I don't know, but it's a really good book.
22:19Okay.
22:21Film.
22:23Two words.
22:24First words.
22:26High fidelity.
22:28Piss off!
22:29How do you just keep getting each other's...
22:32It's like you shared the same brain or something.
22:36Okay.
22:36Can I have a good one?
22:38No, but I just...
22:39On you go.
22:46Phrase.
22:47Phrase.
22:47Phrase.
22:50Five words.
22:51Five words.
22:52First word.
22:52First word.
22:54You.
22:54Points.
22:55You.
22:56Drawing.
22:57Woman.
22:58Lady.
22:59Beth.
22:59Carrie.
23:00Sorry.
23:00Give.
23:01Beth.
23:02It's me.
23:04Second word.
23:05Second word.
23:06Sound alike.
23:07Writing.
23:08Tablet.
23:09Pig.
23:10Tiny.
23:10Blocker.
23:11Eating.
23:12Snacks.
23:12It's a picnic.
23:13Pill.
23:13Pill.
23:14Sounds like pill.
23:15Pill.
23:15Pill.
23:16Dill.
23:16Will.
23:17Nill.
23:18Will.
23:18Will.
23:19It's will.
23:20Third word.
23:22You.
23:23What?
23:24You.
23:25You.
23:26Mum.
23:27You.
23:28Will.
23:28You.
23:29Beth.
23:30Will.
23:30You.
23:31Dad.
23:32Shut up, Richard.
23:33Fourth word.
23:34Oh, I'm having his head so much further.
23:37Sounds like carry.
23:37Baby.
23:38Oh, yeah.
23:39Carrying the baby.
23:41Sounds like carry.
23:42Right.
23:43Cameron.
23:43Larry.
23:44Barry.
23:45Mary.
23:50Fifth word.
23:52Me.
23:56Oh, Ken.
23:57I'd love to.
23:58Mum.
23:59Maybe take a minute.
24:01Yeah.
24:01Also, can I just point out that my dad's on very strong painkillers right now.
24:05It's okay.
24:06I know what I'm doing.
24:15You'd better kiss the bride.
24:17And I'll make sure it's a better one than Richard gave Emily.
24:21What?
24:23What?
24:24What?
24:24Richard kissed Emily?
24:27Yes.
24:28But we're not supposed to mention it.
24:40Oh.
24:41Yes.
24:43Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach can't take your call right now.
24:47Please leave your message after the tone.
24:49Hello, Beth.
24:50It's Ken here.
24:51Ken, Pritchard.
24:52Yeah.
24:53Again.
24:54You can't take my call right now, so I'm leaving you a message after the tone.
25:01Cheery-bye then.
25:03Emily.
25:04Can't take your call right now.
25:06Please leave your message after the tone.
25:08Emily.
25:09Hi.
25:10It's Richard again.
25:13But you'll already know that because my name comes up on your phone.
25:17Well, unless you've deleted my number, in which case it is 07700900.
25:24But then the phone would have logged that as well.
25:27But just in case, the final three digits are 5, 2, 1.
25:32Uh.
25:34Yeah.
25:35I'm actually just going to hang up now.
25:37So, um.
25:40Cheery-bye then.
25:44Cheery-bye then.
25:52Just trying you here, Beth.
25:53Want to say sorry for not telling you about Richard and Emily kissing at the time.
25:57P.S.
25:58Are we still engaged?
25:59Cheery-bye now.
26:00How did you know I wrote that?
26:01Because you posted it on the Forest WhatsApp group.
26:03Now the whole town knows about me and Emily.
26:04I did no such-
26:06Oh, I did?
26:07Oh.
26:08How have I done that?
26:10Oh, that's the replies coming in now.
26:13Oh, brilliant.
26:14What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
26:17Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her boyfriend.
26:21Gordon Cove.
26:22I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open.
26:24Lol.
26:24What were you doing kissing Gordon Cove?
26:26I wasn't kissing Gordon Cove.
26:27He was just there.
26:28It was a school party.
26:30We were all playing spin the ball.
26:31I mean, I tried to sneak out.
26:32I'd never kissed a girl before.
26:33But then it landed on me and Emily.
26:35And of course I wanted to kiss her.
26:37She's not in front of the whole room.
26:38But then they all started chanting,
26:39Kiss her!
26:40Kiss her!
26:40And I did.
26:41But I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes when you were kissing someone.
26:44So for years after, everyone called me-
26:47The Cyclops kisser.
26:48You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique.
26:51Obviously I don't kiss like that now.
26:54A lot of people still remember it.
26:56Oh, great.
26:57Are you happy?
26:57Are you?
26:58That I can never leave the house again?
27:00How to make an already awful situation even worse,
27:03The Autobiography by Ken Pritchard.
27:05That's a terrible title for my autobiography.
27:07Oh, have you got a better one, have you?
27:08Yes, I have as a matter of fact.
27:10It was rhetorical!
27:11Shh.
27:12Whatever.
27:13Pritchard and Prejudice by Ken Pritchard.
27:16Yeah.
27:18Or you could have pride on Pritchard, I suppose.
27:20Please stop!
27:28Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing?
27:31No, no.
27:32They've moved on to something else now.
27:36What?
27:36How bad are you at acting?
27:41I hate his accent in detective manners.
27:44I'm using my real accent.
27:45He's completely wooden.
27:47One dimensional.
27:48Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts.
27:51Well, on the upside.
27:53It's good to hit rock bottom early in the day.
27:55Really freeze up your afternoon.
27:58Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement.
28:02I thought people in forest liked me.
28:04I thought they were proud I was from here.
28:07No one on this is rooting for me and Emily to get together.
28:10I thought the whole town would be behind us like the end of a Richard Curtis film.
28:13You see again?
28:14He'd do The Wicker Man.
28:16No, Richard Curtis.
28:18Love Actually.
28:19Oh, I never saw that one.
28:20Notting Hill?
28:21Four weddings and a funeral?
28:23Oh yeah, yeah.
28:23You see there's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man.
28:26Nope.
28:27This one just says useless twat.
28:36Sally!
28:37Hi.
28:38Richard!
28:39Something's coming.
28:41Really?
28:42Why do you need me for this?
28:43Because Emily normally reads the parts in and it's my first TV audition in months and
28:47I'm not missing out on it.
28:51Who am I playing again?
28:53You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian.
28:56You understand?
28:57Uh-huh.
28:58That's the face you do when you don't understand but you're pretending that you do.
29:01Uh-huh.
29:01Uh-huh.
29:02Uh-huh.
29:02Okay, is that uh-huh as in you do understand or uh-huh as in you don't understand?
29:07Absolutely.
29:07Sure.
29:08Okay, so what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts you're playing.
29:11Okay, so if the line is highlighted, you say it.
29:14Right?
29:20Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith.
29:23Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part, I think the script is fantastic.
29:28Don't creep, Richard.
29:28It's not becoming.
29:29Can you just...
29:31Right.
29:33Right, let's just...
29:33Let's just try on it.
29:41What are you doing?
29:42It says there's jazz music playing in the background here.
29:45Yeah, we'll take that as red.
29:46Oh, well.
29:46Please yourself.
29:48For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as red.
29:51Can you not talk to the tape?
29:52Just do the lines.
29:58Good evening.
29:58Good evening.
30:00I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:04Good evening.
30:05I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:11Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:13Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:15The highlighted line.
30:17Oh, yes sir, sir.
30:18You said that.
30:19Yeah, I did.
30:23Did you have trouble finding the place?
30:26Yes.
30:27But you managed to get here without being seen.
30:30Yes.
30:32Drink?
30:33Quite heavy, if you're asking.
30:34Does it say that there?
30:35No.
30:36What does it say there?
30:36It says yes.
30:37Say yes then.
30:38Yes.
30:39The money on the table.
30:42Is it the amount we agreed on?
30:44Yes.
30:45Okay, now the waiter arrives.
30:47Oh, the waiter.
30:47Yes, the waiter.
30:50Yes?
30:51I'd like a martini.
30:52Would you like a martini?
30:56Yes.
30:57What?
30:58Is that all I ever get to say?
30:59I think my character would-
31:00You don't have a character.
31:02Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters.
31:05Hmm.
31:06Ah.
31:08Fredericks.
31:09Are you well?
31:10Yeah.
31:10I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.
31:13Mademoiselle Arnault, this is General Fredericks.
31:15Yes.
31:16A very great pleasure-
31:17We talked about the accent.
31:18It needs the accent, Richard.
31:20A very great pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle.
31:24Or should I say, meet you again?
31:27It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?
31:32I'm afraid you are going to have to come with me.
31:36And scene.
31:37No, don't say and scene.
31:38Why not?
31:38Because I'm the actor, I want to say scene.
31:40Right, come on, let's do another one from the top.
31:46Good evening.
31:47Oh.
31:48Hold that thought, hold that thought.
31:50Oh, it's from the forest, what is up?
31:54Eh.
31:54What are they calling me now?
31:56How can't they just start digging up the allotment without giving any notice?
31:59This is all your fault, you know.
32:01I could have been up there already if you hadn't insisted on staying in,
32:04so that I could pretend to be a bloody nazi.
32:07Hi.
32:08Eh, hi.
32:09I meant hi.
32:10Just put the damn phone down.
32:12I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock,
32:14which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense.
32:17Never mind a bloody audition.
32:19This is about saving a place your mother held most dear.
32:22I can't be...
32:23Okay, that's the scene.
32:25That's all.
32:26Okay.
32:28Hello Darren.
32:29Alright.
32:30Tizzy.
32:31Alright Richie.
32:34You alright mate?
32:36I meant to be meeting my dad here.
32:38My real dad like.
32:40Found out who he was.
32:42Turns out he didn't move to America and invent a floppy disk.
32:47Found him a few weeks back, but it took me a while to...
32:54Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten if he wanted to meet me.
32:57Maybe he got held up.
32:59Or...
33:00Maybe he got the day wrong.
33:02I mean that's dad's fear.
33:03That's what my dad would do.
33:05Erm...
33:05Or maybe he wanted to come...
33:09But got a bit scared.
33:10Scared.
33:14Oi you thieving git!
33:17The tree?
33:19Oh.
33:20Right.
33:23Take care mate.
33:25Alright Richie.
33:26Come on.
33:29Richard are you coming or what?
33:31We shall not be moved!
33:33We shall not be moved!
33:35We shall not be moved!
33:36We shall not be moved!
33:38We shall not be moved!
33:52We shall not be moved!
33:52We shall not be moved!
33:52We shall not be moved!
33:52We shall not be moved!
33:53We shall not be moved!
33:54We shall not be moved!
33:56We shall not be moved!
33:57We shall not be moved!
33:58We shall not be moved!
33:58We shall not be moved!
33:58We shall not be moved!
33:59We shall not be moved!
34:00We shall not be moved!
34:01We shall not be moved!
34:02We shall not be moved!
34:04We shall not be moved!
34:05We shall not be moved!
34:08We shall not be moved!
34:10destiny but in ourselves. We gave written permission for work to begin on this
34:16land weeks ago. I have been emailing the save our allotment email address
34:20constantly to no response. The contact I was given was Horace Williams.
34:29Well Richard, are you going to answer the lady? What? Written permission or no, this is an outrage.
34:36The people have the power and the people shall not be moved.
34:41Jeff, nepasaran. Exactly. And free Nelson Mandela.
34:46What? No. No, but it's that type of thing isn't it? We shall not be moved.
34:51We shall not be moved. We shall not be moved. We shall not be moved. We shall not be moved.
34:58We shall not be moved. We shall not be moved. We shall not be moved.
35:00Excuse me, do you mind moving? Sorry, if you could just move. Just move, thank you.
35:04We shall not be moved. Emily, I don't think so buddy. I just need to speak to her for a
35:08minute.
35:08I said no man. Look, I don't want a confrontation here but you need to know that I am trained
35:12in stage combat.
35:13Well I think you should probably know that I'm a black belt in taekwondo.
35:16Well you, you also need to know that my hamstring is a bit tight actually and it wouldn't be a
35:20fair fight.
35:21Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to run away as fast. And can you, can you just stop standing there
35:24with your fists clenched? I mean, honestly this was just a big misunderstanding.
35:29Hello Beth.
35:30Ken, I've been speaking with Mother and we think it's only right that she shouldn't talk to you right now.
35:34Hello Ken.
35:35Ladies, will you please just let me do my job and protect you?
35:37Protect us from who? Them?
35:39What's she say?
35:39How can kissing him be a misunderstanding? I mean, you can't exactly get us mixed up. I mean, look at
35:45him!
35:45You get me in the gym for six months and I'll look like you.
35:48Six?
35:49Yeah, well only if I trained you and you followed a strict diet regime.
35:52Oh, I'd take your head deal if I was your son.
35:54It's not actually offering it that.
35:56Are you?
35:56No.
35:57Yeah, I thought so.
35:58Ladies and gentlemen, please create a pathway as work is about to commence.
36:05Quickly, attach yourself to the person next to you. We're forming a blockade or a wall, as you will, to
36:11stop the diggers getting in.
36:13Why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs?
36:15Do you really want the answer to that question?
36:16Why do we even need handcuffs? Why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers?
36:19What are you doing?
36:20Eh.
36:21Just where I can keep an eye on you.
36:23Oh, great.
36:23Make sure the gate is blocked. We must form a human centipede.
36:27Oh, okay. I think you mean chain, Mr. Williams.
36:30He better.
36:31Keep your positions.
36:32Remember your motivation. You're part of a wall.
36:35If you need to draw on anything, draw on your favourite wall.
36:38I'm using Berlin, so you can't use that one, Richard.
36:41Fine. I'll be the Great Wall of China.
36:42No, I want that one.
36:45Everyone, I am the Great Wall of China.
36:48Well, I can't see a digger getting through here.
36:53The diggers are already inside.
36:56What?
36:59You didn't think to check?
37:07Right, well, at least you can unlock us from these.
37:08Where are the keys?
37:09What do you say?
37:10The keys! For the handcuffs.
37:12As Macbeth said, my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten.
37:18You haven't got them?
37:19No.
37:19Brilliant.
37:22I was a frogman betrayed, you see.
37:25Got let go after claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.
37:30One of the builders have gone to get some bolt cutters.
37:33You should be out of cuffs soon.
37:35Can I get anyone water?
37:36Have you got any sparkling?
37:37All with added electrolytes?
37:39Just water.
37:42Well, looks like we're going to be here for a while then.
37:45Anyone want to play I Spy?
37:47No.
37:48No.
37:49What about the minister's cat, Richard?
37:52You've been very good at that, little little shooey.
37:55No, I'm fine, Mr Williams.
38:01I was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me, babe.
38:04The minister's cat is an adorable cat.
38:06No.
38:06Nothing like that.
38:08I've just been doing some thinking.
38:10It's just a sense of messages.
38:12Quite a few, actually.
38:13Somebody needs to do B.
38:15Did you?
38:15Well, I haven't got none.
38:17That's because you don't put your mobile data on.
38:18Oh, God.
38:19My mum never did that either.
38:21It was infuriating.
38:22She thought getting a text message outside the house would bankrupt her.
38:25I don't think anyone else is playing.
38:28The thing is, Ken, I've been thinking about your proposal.
38:32And I know I said yes at the time, but maybe that was a bit rash of me.
38:37What's she saying, Richard?
38:42She's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal, and even though she said yes at the time, that maybe
38:52it's a bit rash.
38:54She's got a rash.
38:55Do you need someone to interpret for me as well?
38:57Tell him, Richard.
38:59He's a lovely man.
39:00A wonderful man.
39:03You're a lovely, wonderful man.
39:07And I'm so very glad I met him.
39:09Even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something.
39:13That maybe I can love again.
39:18Maybe in the future, not now.
39:21No.
39:22Just...
39:23Not now.
39:27I'm so very happy that I met you.
39:31And even thinking about marrying you...
39:34Is this you or Beth?
39:36What do you think?
39:37Right.
39:37I'm gonna say this in the third person.
39:40She says that even thinking about marrying you has taught her that she could love again,
39:51But...
39:52Just not now.
39:54Oh, I see.
39:55Not...
39:56Not now.
39:57Not now.
39:58Right.
39:58Okay.
40:01Not...
40:01Not now.
40:02Right?
40:03I am sorry.
40:05Did you say sorry?
40:06No, no.
40:08No, no.
40:10Don't be sorry.
40:11Come on.
40:12I...
40:13I've just got a wee bit carried away.
40:17Yeah, maybe I did too.
40:22You gonna be okay?
40:23Pancake?
40:24Yeah, you'll be fine.
40:25How do you turn this mobile data thing on?
40:28Oh, er...
40:29You just...
40:32There you go.
40:34Oh.
40:36Well, it's beeping all over the place.
40:37Yes.
40:38You have seven new messages.
40:40First message received today at 10.34am.
40:45Hello, Beth.
40:46It's Ken here.
40:47Ken Pritchard.
40:48Er...
40:49Again.
40:50You can't take my, er...
40:52Call right now, sir.
40:53I'm...
40:53I'm leaving you a message after the dawn.
40:56See you by then.
40:57I'd better call him back.
40:59You just spoke to him, Beth.
41:02Oh, yes.
41:02So I did.
41:05Are you winding me up?
41:06Er...
41:07Just trying to hear, Beth.
41:08I want to say sorry for not telling you...
41:09Please tell me you hung up.
41:10It used to be that nothing good has ever come from your mouth that started with,
41:14It used to be that.
41:16It used to be that when you put the phone down, that was it.
41:20It was hung up.
41:21Now it's all blooming buttons and things.
41:23Now there's just one button you press once.
41:24Oh, brilliant.
41:26What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
41:29Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her...
41:42Is, er...
41:43Is my mobile data on?
41:44I very much doubt it.
41:49I was a frogman betrayed, you see.
42:07Well, we made a great job of looking after the allotment for your mother, didn't we, eh?
42:13See you, though.
42:16See you, though.
42:16Ah, well.
42:18We've still got a train station, haven't we?
42:20Eh?
42:35Oh, hey.
42:36Emily.
42:36Emily.
42:37Please don't go to New Zealand.
42:40What?
42:41Wow.
42:42This guy does not quit.
42:45I actually have to hand it to you.
42:47Assistance is one of the key fundamental tenets of success.
42:49We did a podcast about it.
42:50You don't want to be with him.
42:51He does podcasts.
42:52I've never seen him laugh.
42:54I can laugh.
42:54Well, go on, then.
42:56Well, which is now?
42:57Well, it's so easy.
42:58Yeah, sure.
42:58I mean, I'll...
42:59I'll laugh.
43:01Like...
43:03Wait, that doesn't count.
43:04No, no.
43:04Where is me?
43:08Yeah.
43:09Come on!
43:10I win!
43:11Do you feel like a winner?
43:13No.
43:14Not really.
43:15Don't listen to him, Emily.
43:16You're gonna love New Zealand.
43:17I've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment.
43:20You're forward planning us getting lost in the moment?
43:22Well, yeah.
43:23You said you wanted to do more of that, right?
43:25Tim...
43:27You're a lovely guy, okay?
43:29A wonderful guy, in fact.
43:31And, you know, I am so very happy that I met you.
43:36You know, even thinking about moving to New Zealand with you has taught me something.
43:40That maybe one day I can move to New Zealand in the future.
43:45Wait.
43:47This is exactly the same thing that my mum just said to Ken.
43:50The template's the same, sure.
43:53So you're breaking up with me?
43:55I'm...
43:56I'm sorry.
43:59You're...
43:59You're a really lovely guy.
44:01Yeah, you're really nice.
44:01Shut up!
44:02Sure.
44:05Well...
44:06So there it goes.
44:10This might be the wrong time, but do you fancy going for dinner tonight?
44:13What?
44:15Too soon.
44:15It's too soon.
44:16Yeah, yeah, I thought it might be.
44:17Richard, you have had since we were 16 to ask me out.
44:21I mean, you could have asked me out three months ago, but you chose to go to Norway.
44:26I've always been Plan B.
44:28You were my Plan A.
44:29Not now, Tim.
44:30Sorry.
44:31No, I am going to go travelling.
44:33I'm going to do it on my own.
44:35You know, for once in my life, I'm going to do something just for me.
44:37No.
44:39I get it.
44:41But just to be clear, you don't want me to come with you.
44:44Halt!
44:45Halt!
44:55What's happening?
44:56I have no idea.
45:01You're going to have to hang around until the police get here, I'm afraid.
45:04Police?
45:04We've found bones on the earth.
45:06Bones?
45:07What kind of bones?
45:08Chicken bones?
45:08Yeah, they've stopped digging because they've found someone's KFC.
45:11Human bones?
45:12Am I a sporeolic?
45:13We don't know, but all work will need to be halted until further notice.
45:17Excuse me.
45:18Excuse me.
45:19Excuse me.
45:24Bones!
45:26Bones!
45:27Bones!
45:28Bones!
45:28Bones!
45:29Bones!
45:29I think this is a bit distasteful.
45:32Bones!
45:53Bones!
45:54Bones!
45:54Bones!
45:55Bones!
45:58Oh, hello!
46:00I wanted to give you this.
46:02Oh!
46:03Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand with him.
46:06Just till he settles in.
46:09Thought you could look after this till I get back.
46:13All right.
46:15It's a pear tree.
46:18It's a pear tree.
46:19Its blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship.
46:26You don't get nothing.
46:33Pint of heavy?
46:36No.
46:39Why not?
46:46Oh, bugger!
46:46I've left my phone.
46:48It's all right.
46:49I'll get it.
47:06Hello there.
47:09All right.
47:13Sorry about earlier.
47:15I just...
47:17Couldn't.
47:21What you got there?
47:24It's a plum tree.
47:26I like plums.
47:29Me too.
47:40All right.
47:41I'm sorry.
47:46For God's sake!
47:48We got a girl that's been up.
47:49You go on the phone?
47:51Yes, Dad.
48:07How are we?
48:14So where are you going to go then?
48:18TBC.
48:19To be continued.
48:21To be confirmed.
48:23Or that.
48:24TBC.
48:28Well, when you get back I'll still feel the same.
48:33Well thanks for finally telling me how you feel.
48:37Even if it wasn't a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum.
48:42Well, I guess I figured what's the modern-day equivalent of a message in a ball.
48:49I can't believe I've messed this up so badly.
48:53I'm not saying never, Richard.
48:57I guess me and you can be TBC for now.
49:01To be confirmed?
49:03To be continued.
49:04Oh, the other one this time.
49:06What?
49:08Have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles?
49:11I think you'd be quite good.
49:12Casting directors disagree.
49:15Why don't you write your own show?
49:17Hello, gents.
49:22What would I write about?
49:25Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the Greenfield allotment who love to fight another day.
49:33And while we're celebrating, my wife and I would like to announce that we have decided to renew
49:38our wedding vows.
49:40Oh, and you're all invited.
49:42Yay!
49:44Oh, no, no, no, sorry.
49:45Shirley?
49:46I didn't see you there.
49:48Three stars on TripAdvisor, indeed.
49:52Anyway, on with the party!
49:54Yay!
50:01You alright?
50:03Yeah.
50:04I think so.
50:06So what now?
50:07What now?
50:09Well, we're gonna get up, we're gonna get dressed, and we're gonna keep buggering on.
50:16Oh, God.
50:24Sally, hi.
50:25Richard, I've just heard back.
50:27It's a no, I'm afraid.
50:29Right.
50:30But the casting director wants to ask if the other actor was available.
50:34Which actor?
50:35The one meeting the other lines.
50:42Are you taking the piss?
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