- 8 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
Category
đĽ
Short filmTranscript
00:29Captions by GetTranscribed.com
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Lion?
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just, we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking, quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Joe!
04:18Joe!
04:30I don't know.
04:49I don't know.
05:18I don't know.
05:19I don't know.
05:19I don't know.
05:19I don't know.
06:01I don't know.
06:15I don't know.
06:51I don't know.
07:19I don't know.
07:32I don't know.
07:41I don't know.
07:48I don't know.
08:06I don't know.
08:24I don't know.
08:24I don't know.
08:54I don't know.
09:00I don't know.
09:20I don't know.
09:25I don't know.
09:36I don't know.
09:55I don't know.
09:55I don't know.
10:01I don't know.
10:01I don't know.
10:02I don't know.
10:03I don't know.
10:05I don't know.
10:12I don't know.
10:17I don't know.
10:20I don't know.
10:20I don't know.
10:32I don't know.
10:35I don't know.
10:40I don't know.
10:52I don't know.
11:06I don't know.
11:10I don't know.
11:26I don't know.
11:35I don't know.
11:37I don't know.
11:38I don't know.
11:40I don't know.
11:40But I don't know.
11:43I don't know.
11:44I don't know.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46He had been pervert on his newsreed all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Mama.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctors appointments?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:57I don't know.
11:58I don't know.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Give me that.
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey.
12:17Has anybody really bothered to charge me?
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia, I told you.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:42Sharpay, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut, it might be cut.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit, it's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy, this is crazy.
12:56Can I?
12:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Why did you tell me you're speaking for?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06Super James Bond made a shot.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all.
13:10It doesn't make sense, though, man.
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Harder.
13:13Harder.
13:15Harder.
13:15I'm the harder.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:20I'm the harder.
13:22I'm the harder.
13:23I'm the harder.
13:24I'm the harder.
13:24I'm the harder.
13:24I'm the harder.
13:25I'm the harder.
13:26I'm the harder.
13:27Listen.
13:27Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, Brown James Bond.
13:33James Bond.
13:34I should be proud.
13:34You know.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Craig will be 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop.
13:48Stop.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in?
13:52Yes.
13:52What are you doing?
13:54Don't call me.
13:55Don't call me.
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's a big honey.
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
14:32I'm just wondering.
14:34Maybe, or, orâ
15:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for their 18 to 34s,
15:31and you know that demographic gets them all wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:47We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, and I'm just thinking,
15:56unless you delete all that old music,
15:58just the really political bits, what do you think?
16:00As your agent,
16:02let me deal with that stuff.
16:04You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online
16:07fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there.
16:11All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood.
16:15So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh.
16:20Okay, okay.
16:20So, what are you saying?
16:21Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Oh, because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into.
16:30You just are.
16:31Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:35Done.
17:02Let's go.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here
17:20we all everywhere today
17:24pretty cool isn't it
17:42look who's back on the street
17:47what's up bro this blew up huh
17:51you killed it man what do you say I mean yes
17:53what are you doing here man are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now
17:56what no so not Gotham bro don't you know to a new batwants not bad man
18:01James Bond
18:03Easy with the Hollywood big man shit
18:04This is the audition
18:05You know what
18:11It's good to see you
18:12I'm just thinking
18:13Forget it
18:14It's cool man
18:16I'm just
18:17I just had a mad thought
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I
18:20I warmed up for you a lot tonight
18:23Because I think the crowd would love it
18:25It'd be like a reunion
18:26It'd be like old times bro
18:27How dare you bro
18:29Nothing you just you come back
18:31You act like you fucking own this place
18:32Walking through here
18:34All like
18:34Look at me
18:35Look at me
18:35Bro
18:36I didn't mean it like that
18:37I didn't mean it
18:42You're a dickhead
18:44I can't knock the hustle man
18:46Yo
18:46Maybe
18:47I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd
18:49Like
18:50You know like the old days
18:51I'll meet you on stage with a mic
18:53There's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now
18:56Just don't pay attention to it
18:58Right
18:58It's all bullshit
19:01London are you ready for a case
19:03You're a dickhead
19:12You're a dickhead
19:21You're a dickhead
19:21You're a dickhead
19:23You're a dickhead
19:25You're a dickhead
19:27You're a dickhead
19:27You're a dickhead
19:28You're a dickhead
19:29You're a dickhead
19:29You're a dickhead
19:30You're a dickhead
19:32You're a dickhead
19:32You're a dickhead
19:32You're a dickhead
19:33You're a dickhead
19:33You're a dickhead
19:33You're a dickhead
19:33You're a dickhead
19:33Yes, yes, not done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC.
19:40Right shot.
20:19Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:48Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
21:06Charles Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
21:18but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:26Daniel Craig's a dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Thank God.
21:44Good.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I might do the full service.
21:58You haven't got a food chaser if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03So, house is two points of entry, hostile object into the front bay window, those and the
22:08doors may need reinforcing, and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter
22:12if you have the bodies.
22:1360 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:26Your guests are for E.D.L. Fetter, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Yeah, I just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:33It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs, and it's harder to defend a position
22:38at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds, whether
22:57in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01You just got...
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs, like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:21Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:39What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security, cuz...
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What you want to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:54Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hard as fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:13I'm not trying to start, I'm a dresser, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:17If you could just listen to me, for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking vagabond could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43She's not going to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Shah, Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51Let's go.
24:53Sixty people's a lot for Eid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Look at you, Bhatai.
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country swelling.
25:08I like kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:14Hey, it's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17I don't know.
25:17You have done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and D more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shahju.
25:24I could be doing so much more.
25:28Sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:31Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop here, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:41Huh?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should have gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Garde, Kutaira.
25:49Nothing is done here.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila.
25:52Please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah,
26:00but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about
26:11moving your Eid celebrations
26:12to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, shut up.
26:14One layover in Dubai
26:15thinks he knows our business.
26:16Who is this?
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect
26:17for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23This is a lot of work,
26:24and I'm very good at it.
26:26You guys have a lot of pain.
26:28Naila,
26:28Naila Ji,
26:29we'll come back to Karligin.
26:31Arrayez, Arrayez.
26:32If something happened,
26:33you're responsible for your people.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy,
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy!
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46They really get after it,
26:48and your brother,
26:49he seems nice.
26:51He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin,
26:53but he was raised with us.
26:54That's complicated.
26:55All right,
26:55well, look,
26:56this is for you,
26:58as you quote,
26:59although,
27:00I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know,
27:03in consideration of future work,
27:06because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh,
27:11let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable,
27:14could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh,
27:17so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security,
27:23you know?
27:23But tonight,
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah,
27:26so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah,
27:29no,
27:29absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well,
27:31oh,
27:31by the way,
27:32those stolen dashcams,
27:33the battery life is,
27:34so,
27:35bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers,
27:38Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees,
27:41bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:44Hmm.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own,
27:57or?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is it?
28:04You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:09Go on,
28:10get ready,
28:10you fucker.
28:32Wait,
28:32that is a proper go fucker day.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah,
28:36bro,
28:36you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds,
28:39yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture war,
28:42that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man,
28:44how are you going to fucking battle them with your horny makeup face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet,
28:49it looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:51but you're worried the camera's going to shag you out.
28:52I'm not.
28:52Don't put that in my head right now.
28:53You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation,
28:56what is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What,
28:58man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:02All right,
29:02let me just see something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Motherfucker.
29:06All right,
29:06all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford to clean your feet.
29:09Okay,
29:09listen,
29:09let's just go there and smash it,
29:10all right?
29:11Brother,
29:11we are already fucking smashing it,
29:13okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Alal Harry Bowls.
29:17Custom,
29:18specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19You're a little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Cuz,
29:21look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
29:24but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on,
29:27let's get it,
29:27cuz,
29:27yes?
29:27Yeah,
29:28you ready?
29:28Yes,
29:28bro.
29:30Yeah.
29:32Come on,
29:32don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement,
29:48but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:57Well,
29:58it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum?
30:04Gala?
30:05Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this too is what British looks like.
30:16Hey,
30:17yo,
30:17listen,
30:17I support the team.
30:18I support the team,
30:19but when you finish tonight,
30:20please,
30:21get home with movers,
30:22okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry,
30:24there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me,
30:28sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:32MC Rickshaw!
30:33Oh,
30:33man!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey,
30:39yo,
30:39guys,
30:39guys,
30:40come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi,
30:43bro,
30:43you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro,
30:44we gotta go,
30:45man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man,
30:48sold out.
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Yo,
30:51yo,
30:52yo,
30:52man,
30:52it's where the photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro,
30:54if I get a photo to take with them a lot,
30:55it's not,
30:56it's not the right image I'm going for right now.
30:58All right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We gotta get in there.
31:02Listen,
31:03I know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something,
31:05but don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh,
31:07yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me then.
31:10You want that respect,
31:11my guy?
31:11Keep it real.
31:12Okay,
31:13why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:19I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:20Go on,
31:20then you do the face again.
31:21All right,
31:21let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You're like a pedophile journal,
31:27bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say pedophile?
31:28Because they don't have sound.
31:29It's fault.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy you've made this.
31:32I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate,
31:35Magra Machika Lern.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh,
31:41we don't have you done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh,
31:42I think it's because I'm a last,
31:44a last minute addition.
31:46So,
31:46well,
31:47it'll be a new house,
31:48I suppose.
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh,
31:51I,
31:51I,
31:51I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:53Ah.
31:54Mr. Soufrakhan Ali,
31:56CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be like an official record
31:58that I'm here tonight,
31:59so,
32:00thank you.
32:02Cuz,
32:03where the fuck have you bought us,
32:04man?
32:04This looks like the Jarl's bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So,
32:10how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team,
32:15together.
32:16I'm proud to say that
32:17we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro,
32:21this is mad.
32:22Yeah,
32:22I told you,
32:22bro,
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right,
32:30you've got to find this Vivian,
32:31yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here
32:34if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director,
32:36yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some evil, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41All right,
32:41listen,
32:42I'm going to work on it.
32:43Hey, yo, yo,
32:43shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45We're not like that.
32:46We're like,
32:46convince her together,
32:47like,
32:48good packing,
32:48bad packing.
32:49What would that be like?
32:51like,
32:52good cop,
32:52bad cop.
32:53But,
32:53well,
32:55I've got this one covered,
32:57You sure,
32:57yeah?
32:57Yeah,
32:57yeah,
32:57in a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing,
33:02let me tell you about this.
33:06He didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian,
33:12Charlotte Tiff.
33:13Oh,
33:14yes,
33:14of course,
33:15Mr. Latiff.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you
33:16for a moment.
33:17Oh,
33:17absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed
33:19has to be given back now,
33:20apparently.
33:21What can I do for you,
33:22Mr. Latiff?
33:22I was actually wondering
33:23what I might be able to do
33:24for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims
33:26that can get you
33:27to where you need to be.
33:28But we are on time
33:29for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me,
33:32can you get me
33:33to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means
33:35a great deal to me
33:36and I saw you had
33:37a number of protesters
33:38outside.
33:39Yes,
33:39and it thrills me
33:40to see young people
33:41engaging in a conversation
33:43about our shared
33:44heritage and culture.
33:45In fact,
33:45we invite this kind
33:46of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue,
33:48though,
33:48if you don't have
33:49an ambassador of sorts
33:50to help bridge the divide
33:51between those on the inside
33:52and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah,
33:57a bit of Farsi,
33:58my guy,
33:59come on.
33:59So we could be
34:00in that region.
34:00I, for one,
34:01would be honoured
34:02to get up there
34:03and say a few words
34:04about how global
34:06Britain truly is,
34:07both in its artefacts
34:08and its people.
34:09You know,
34:09I'm an ape,
34:10Indian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17originally from London?
34:19But I understand
34:19your latest acquisition
34:20is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes,
34:22but treasures
34:23like the one
34:23we're unveiling tonight
34:24don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:26So I can go up
34:28and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No,
34:31Miss Latif.
34:32It's simply not
34:32how we do things
34:33around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up
34:34Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides,
34:36we already have
34:36our dear friend
34:37Raj Thakkar
34:37giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now,
34:48to the more
34:49uncomfortable
34:49part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think
34:52this was going
34:53to be all
34:53softballs,
34:54did you?
34:55Raj Thakkar,
34:56your rival?
34:57I wouldn't
34:58call him that.
34:59Come on,
35:00come on,
35:00you can be honest.
35:01I can't be
35:02in the same room
35:03as Ian Magneto
35:04McKellen.
35:05Oh, sorry,
35:06Sir Ian Magneto
35:07McKellen.
35:08I just think
35:09that there's
35:09plenty of room
35:10for all of us
35:11at the top.
35:12Oh, please.
35:13A day ago,
35:14you were the only
35:14brown bloke
35:15up for the job.
35:16And now,
35:17there are two.
35:18And word on the web
35:19is he'd make
35:20a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well,
35:21I don't really pay
35:22attention to what
35:22people say about me.
35:23It's just not
35:24in my nature.
35:25You should,
35:25old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name
35:27with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say
35:30he's thought of
35:31as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit,
35:35Latif.
35:36You couldn't even
35:37convince that museum
35:38director to let you
35:39speak.
35:40How do you expect
35:41to convince the world
35:42that you can be bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance
35:46in a whore's pajamas,
35:48do you,
35:48you pussyhole?
35:50He's the only
35:50addition,
35:51you push cunt!
35:55No use being angry
35:57with me.
35:58You only have
35:59yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:02Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:10I haven't seen you
36:11in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah,
36:13when was the last time
36:13I saw you?
36:15Mango tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:18Man,
36:18you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about this
36:23magical mango tree,
36:24this white woman
36:24eats a mango,
36:25she travels back in time
36:26to colonial India,
36:27falls in love with this
36:28Indian guy and they
36:29have this relationship
36:30over space and time
36:30that's about her,
36:32loves timeless and
36:33crosses all sorts of
36:35boundaries.
36:36I don't know why I
36:36didn't connect more.
36:37Actually,
36:38can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible
36:42by the way and very,
36:43very smart getting
36:44photographed in the tugs
36:45and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here to support
36:48one of our nation's
36:49most important
36:49cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got
36:54people going mental,
36:55hasn't it?
36:56Yeah,
36:56people are passionate,
36:57man.
36:57It's just that the hate
36:59though,
36:59the hate,
37:00it's a lot,
37:01right?
37:01I know you're probably
37:02getting a lot of that too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:07You just got to stay
37:09grateful.
37:09People are busting
37:10their asses at dead-end
37:11jobs just to put food
37:13on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah, we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small
37:16price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some
37:18psycho sent a pig's
37:20head to my mom's
37:20house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fucking hell.
37:24That's actually why
37:25I'm here.
37:26I want to show them
37:27that no amount of hate
37:29is going to make me
37:29hide.
37:30And actually,
37:31if this museum
37:32can house treasures
37:33from all around the
37:34world,
37:34then this country
37:34has to take in people
37:36from all around the
37:36world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make
37:39a statement showing
37:40that this too is what
37:42British looks like.
37:43I love the passion,
37:44man.
37:45I'm so glad you said
37:46that because I heard
37:46that you're speaking
37:47later and I was
37:48thinking maybe we could
37:48tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great
37:50idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:51You've got something
37:52important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of
37:54that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what,
37:55why don't I go up first
37:56and then I'll bring you
37:57up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04This is my security guy.
38:05The Mooba guy.
38:06Yeah.
38:07I overheard you
38:07chatting about it
38:07earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I've got to go.
38:20That's my mom.
38:21You've got your mom?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here
38:23without her, so
38:24shouldn't be here
38:25without her, you know?
38:26Zulfikar.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:33He's either the sweetest
38:35twat I've ever met
38:36or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's what I'm to,
38:43you literally told me
38:44to bring you here
38:44as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken
38:47fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49You didn't eat a canapĂŠ.
38:50Champagne gentleman.
38:51Just have a little canapĂŠ, bro.
38:54Just have a little
38:55something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things,
38:58the big things, none of it.
38:58Have some halumi.
38:59Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:10Too kind.
39:13Good evening.
39:15In 2001,
39:17we watched in horror
39:19as Taliban fanatics
39:21laid waste
39:22to a once great nation's
39:23cultural heritage.
39:25We wept
39:26as monuments to peace
39:28were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight,
39:31we right this wrong.
39:32after a nine-year
39:3415 million pound
39:36restoration project,
39:38it is my honor
39:39to present to you tonight
39:40the restored
39:42Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:58It is with great enthusiasm
40:01that I invite tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman
40:05of Vampire Hunter
40:06I've ever had the pleasure
40:07of meeting,
40:08Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor to be here,
40:17I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum
40:22is home to
40:24artifacts
40:24from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow
40:27that England too
40:28is home to people
40:29from those same places.
40:31And tonight
40:32is a celebration,
40:32but I would like to speak
40:34with you all
40:34about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman
40:37and as a person
40:38of color.
40:40Recently,
40:41racist hate
40:44took the form
40:46of a severed
40:47pig's head
40:48delivered to my
40:49family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood
40:53everywhere.
40:55My mother
40:55was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy,
40:57I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount
41:00of hate
41:01will make me hide.
41:03Those driven
41:04by prejudice,
41:06they need to see us
41:08in these spaces.
41:11And because this too
41:13is what British
41:14looks like.
41:21Excuse me,
41:22Mr. Latif.
41:23You have a situation?
41:24A man claiming
41:25to be your brother
41:25has been harassing
41:26and racially profiling
41:28museum guests.
41:29What?
41:31Very special work.
41:33Oh,
41:33and
41:34Shah Latif
41:35wanted to say
41:35something too.
41:36I'm about to go on,
41:37man.
41:37Shah?
41:39Otherwise,
41:39we're going to have
41:39to escort him
41:40off the premises
41:40immediately.
41:41I don't know.
41:50I don't know.
41:59So,
42:00let's talk about
42:01your big moment.
42:03The speech
42:03that never was.
42:05A silky bit
42:06of spycraft
42:07from Thacker.
42:08He's clearly
42:09made for the role.
42:10Not to mention
42:11he can get
42:12the bleeding
42:12lines out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:20Let's see.
42:21I also had
42:22a pig's head
42:23said to my
42:23for themselves.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one,
42:30dickhead.
42:31You're more
42:31frozen than me.
42:33But it's not
42:34your acting
42:35that's the problem,
42:36is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have
42:40the balls
42:41to be bombed.
42:42Shut up!
42:43Hey, yo,
42:43guys,
42:44I'm talking about
42:44me,
42:44you're one and only
42:45fans.
42:45You turned
42:46your back
42:46on your own
42:47fans.
42:48Man,
42:49slow down!
42:50You turned
42:50your back
42:51on your own
42:51family.
42:52I'm going to be
42:53fuck with me, bro.
42:55Face it,
42:56people like you
42:57are never
42:58the heroes
42:58of the story.
43:00You'll always
43:01just be
43:02a scared
43:03little
43:05packy.
43:08send him
43:10back where
43:10he came
43:11from.
43:14Oh,
43:24oh,
43:26oh,
43:27oh,
43:28oh,
43:28oh,
43:32oh.
43:41yeah
43:46okay
43:47yeah you
43:48what were you doing
43:50nothing what were you doing
43:52nothing bro it's 2am
43:54were you talking to someone or what
43:56oh sorry man
43:58I was just running lines
43:59in a suit
44:00costume in it
44:02alright well the moon's been sited so
44:04Eid Mubarak
44:06yeah
44:07no night you weirdo
44:13Eid Mubarak
44:14bitch
Comments