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Bald Brothers: A Freestyle Comedy Show - Season 1 - Episode 07: Washington, D.C.
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00:02Doobie
00:06Doobie
00:08Washington DC!
00:09DC!
00:12Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
00:16Yeah! Yeah!
00:16Yeah!
00:20Welcome to the Bob Brothers Show.
00:22If you guys don't know, this show is entirely
00:24freestyled. Everything we're gonna say tonight
00:26comes from a suggestion from y'all
00:28that was over there.
00:30Usually it's back here,
00:32but I was like,
00:33my real dad.
00:37So
00:38when you see me looking at my phone,
00:40I'm not checking my text messages. I'm looking at the
00:41topics that y'all suggested.
00:44One of which was,
00:45did y'all hear about the Louv getting robbed,
00:48right? Okay.
00:49It came out in the news that the Louv
00:52password to their security
00:54system was, get this,
00:57Louv.
00:58That's wild.
00:59Spelled out, capital L-O-U-V-E-R-E.
01:04That's wild.
01:04The number one museum in the world
01:06with the biggest art collection,
01:08the most expensive painting in the world.
01:11They'll never crack this code.
01:13They ain't even do it backwards,
01:15no underscore.
01:16They could've put an underscore in there somewhere.
01:19Louv underscore
01:20art underscore.
01:22We got it.
01:24Seven, seven, none of that.
01:26They were like, Louv, they'll never know.
01:28They'll never know!
01:30I'd be pissed off, though, if I really was like a thief.
01:33Yeah.
01:33And I'd be like, man, we can't crack the code.
01:36They're arresting you because you took too much time.
01:38What was the password?
01:40It was Louv!
01:41Louv!
01:41Ain't no way!
01:43Done.
01:45How you just put Louv?
01:47Whose job?
01:48Who was...
01:49The password thing should've said to...
01:51It's weak.
01:52They should've definitely said it was weak.
01:54Should've said you need a special character, uppercase.
01:57Also, I don't like when the computer tells me my password's weak.
02:01Nigga, let me choose my own stuff.
02:02If I get robbed, let me choose.
02:04I can't remember all these doggone passwords.
02:07That's why I gotta make them weak.
02:08I feel like it's disrespectful when they say,
02:10man, this shit weak, man.
02:13That's exactly how I feel.
02:15Both of your sons?
02:16That's your password, man?
02:17This shit weak, nigga.
02:19They gonna be all in your shit, man.
02:21You ain't got no uppercase, nigga.
02:22Ain't got no special characters.
02:24Ain't got no numbers, nigga.
02:25Who is you?
02:25This is what I hate.
02:26When you trying to log in, they be like,
02:29the password's incorrect, the password's incorrect.
02:31Then you do that punk ass,
02:33well, all right, send me the new password.
02:34Then you get the link and you go in there
02:36to create a new password.
02:37Then you do the one that they said wasn't working.
02:40They be like, nah, you gotta pick a password,
02:42you ain't used it.
02:44Bitch!
02:44I just used it!
02:48You just said it was no good!
02:52If you want us to change the password, just say it.
02:56Don't blame me.
02:57I feel you, man.
02:59Now you feel like you going crazy.
03:01You in the mirror like...
03:05I swear that's what I put in.
03:07Listen, I'm 42 years old.
03:09I have four passwords total.
03:12I got four.
03:13I got my easy, like they take that,
03:15oh, oh, my uppercase, eight letters.
03:17Okay, we in here.
03:18I got my one hard.
03:20And they be like, you need 16 characters.
03:22Nigga!
03:23So I go that password back to back,
03:26I throw them off.
03:27Now I'm just gonna add Louvre to the end of my password.
03:30Yeah, put the Louvre on the...
03:31They'll never know.
03:33Put the Louvre on the bathroom.
03:34They'll never know.
03:34That's like you going to rob McDonald's corporate
03:36and the password is fries.
03:38You like, oh, dang.
03:39Fries, huh?
03:40Fries.
03:41Dang.
03:42They never would have known.
03:44I used to work at McDonald's.
03:45Did you? What happened, Tom?
03:46Yeah, I quit.
03:47Because they didn't want to put me in the counter.
03:49They're in the back cooking shit.
03:51I'm in the back cooking Egg McMuffins.
03:53I'm doing the folded eggs, man.
03:55I got personality, man.
03:56You had to put me on the front line.
03:58I'm like, man, what's up, y'all?
03:59You getting breakfast?
04:02I envision myself at the counter at McDonald's.
04:05You don't put this personality in the back.
04:07Yeah.
04:08Folding eggs, you know?
04:10Fries, man.
04:10That's where the big ones come in.
04:12Taking the biscuits out.
04:12So I was like, yo, can I get in the counter?
04:14Like, we ain't got the space.
04:15I was like, all right.
04:15I was back there washing dishes.
04:17Plotting my escape.
04:19I quit and went to Dairy Queen.
04:21I was at Dairy Queen for two years working the drive-thru.
04:24They knew what they had over there at Dairy Queen.
04:26I was killing it, man.
04:28You was turning milkshakes upside down?
04:30I never did that.
04:31Come on, man.
04:32You do this stuff.
04:32I wasn't secure.
04:34Was you eating the ice cream?
04:35I was getting high on my own supply.
04:38I was fat as hell when I was at Dairy Queen.
04:40All right, come on down.
04:42Y'all show some love, Mo.
04:43Put your ass out here, man.
04:46Craziest thing about your life that nobody would believe just by looking at you?
04:50Oh.
04:52I enjoy reading, uh, smut.
04:57Sounds like a little smut crowd in there.
05:00For those of you who don't know, you had a different answer, but we're gonna get to the other answer
05:04in a second.
05:05Oh.
05:05Because smut was on the mind.
05:08For you guys who don't know, what is smut?
05:10How would you describe that to those of us who are Christians and love the Lord?
05:17I love the Lord.
05:18I just feel like I can read it because I'm married.
05:20Oh, you be married and reading the smut?
05:22I be in my car.
05:24In your car?
05:25You read the smut in the car?
05:27Is it an audio book or you be really reading the paperback?
05:32It's an audio book.
05:33Oh, it's an audio book.
05:34So you get home from work and you be like...
05:38Why?
05:39This?
05:40Huh?
05:41Give her a new car, man.
05:42No, man.
05:43She got a 1972 Buick.
05:46She got the Fred Sanford truck.
05:57He touched my inner thigh.
06:00I throbbed.
06:01I listen to it while I'm driving different places.
06:05While you're driving?
06:07Yes.
06:07That's the best time, though.
06:09I can, I can, like, motor task.
06:11You be at a red light like, yes.
06:13And then you open up my butt and spit in my booty.
06:16And, and, and lick my butt.
06:18You know what, though?
06:19Now that, now that you mention it,
06:21I feel like listening to smut while you driving
06:23will calm you during traffic.
06:26Ah, yes.
06:26You can't have no road rage when you feelin' a bus.
06:28Hell yeah!
06:30That's the movie.
06:31She's getting cut off.
06:32She's like...
06:34You be in there DJ-ing,
06:36crashing and mixing?
06:38Cars on fire.
06:39Ah!
06:41Hand, hand, shut up, go around!
06:44I had a long day!
06:46That's the mood.
06:47That's smart.
06:49She's the reason y'all are in traffic in D.C. and Baltimore.
06:52She's over here jacking off in morning rush!
06:56Or jilling off.
06:57I don't know what lane is.
06:58She got the hazard zone in the regular lane, like...
07:01Ha!
07:01She get to work like, whew!
07:03Why are you sweating?
07:04It's 15 degrees, man.
07:06I had a hot smut going.
07:08Hot smut.
07:09This is actually the answer that we were interested in.
07:12You said that.
07:13Oh.
07:14Okay, so I'm gonna ask you again.
07:15We gonna pretend you didn't say the smut answer.
07:19What's the craziest thing about your life, other than smut,
07:22that nobody would believe just by looking at you?
07:25I used to be a historic black interpreter, where I would interpret at a historic site in costume.
07:32So I would teach about slavery and history.
07:35As a slave?
07:36What was your costume?
07:38It was 18th century, so it was like, I have on a head wrap.
07:44So wait, you was a slave?
07:45No!
07:46In costume?
07:47No.
07:47She said, it's 18th century.
07:49You feel me.
07:51I'm like, okay.
07:52Prior to 1865 or post-1865?
07:56It was prior to 1865.
07:58So you was a slave?
08:00No.
08:01I mean, we didn't have a lot of characters in 1861.
08:04Like, you was either free or you was a slave.
08:07Where was you supposed to be living?
08:09In the south.
08:11So, Alabama, Mississippi.
08:14That sounds pretty slave-y to me.
08:15But I could go home at 5 o'clock.
08:17In real life?
08:18In real life.
08:19What's your character that you were interpreting?
08:22They was a slave.
08:23So you was dressed as a slave in the car, listening to smut?
08:29When Harriet Tubman dropped us off.
08:32In the chill of the night, we made hot, buttery love
08:36Underneath the slavery moonlight.
08:42The way he touched me, made my molasses move.
08:46I never felt love like that.
08:48The bloodhounds could never sniff me as far away as we got.
08:52His whiplash has glistened in the moonlight on his back
08:56As he thrusted into my emancipated coochie.
09:04Eeeeeeahhhhhh!
09:05People behind him were like,
09:07Moose, slave!
09:10Trying to get home, man!
09:13Coming out charade or you doing?
09:15What's something everybody else calls a green flag,
09:17But for you, it completely gives you the ick.
09:21So, it's when a man gets angry
09:24That you forgot to text him that you made it home safely.
09:29Oh, so...
09:30Well, forgive him...
09:32For making sure you made it home in one piece.
09:36There could have been a lady listening to smut on the road
09:38Crash into your car.
09:40There's a whole accident.
09:43So, what happened?
09:44Who hurt you?
09:45Or who loved you?
09:46I mean, it's cute initially, like,
09:48Oh, he wants to make sure I'm safe.
09:50It's when the,
09:51Why didn't you text me when you got home?
09:53Cause I'm grown.
09:54And I've been getting home by myself for years.
09:57First of all, nigga, I'm grown!
10:00I've been getting home by myself for years.
10:02Now that we're together,
10:03I'm gonna keep getting home by myself.
10:05Nah, man.
10:06So what happened?
10:06Some people are gonna be making it home.
10:09But then you couldn't text anyway.
10:10Yeah.
10:11If you die, you dead.
10:14Like, you alive?
10:15Here's the thing.
10:16No.
10:16You don't have to text back.
10:18You don't have to text back.
10:19But say it with your chest when they ask you then.
10:22If that's the type of time you're on.
10:25Be like, yo, text me, let me know you made it home.
10:27Say it there.
10:27I ain't texting you when I make it home.
10:31That way, at least he know he ain't getting no text.
10:33He waiting for you.
10:34This is true.
10:35Do you see the text at home and look at it and be like,
10:38man, nah.
10:40A little bit.
10:41I responded eventually, but not immediately.
10:44Oh, you just don't want nobody telling you what to do.
10:46Correct.
10:47You're like, you made it home at night?
10:48And you're like, man, watch out.
10:49I'm finna go give something to drink.
10:52She purposely didn't go home.
10:54Just text me when you get home.
10:56I ain't going home, nigga.
10:58I'm in the streets.
10:59I'm going to a museum, matter of fact, 1863.
11:04Yo, she could have been petty on the response to that and be like,
11:07actually, I never made it home.
11:09I'm laid up with another nigga as we speak.
11:11Whoa.
11:12I will let you know when I make it home.
11:16Did you ever tell a man this or do you just be irritated alone?
11:21I did initially tell him that I'm not always going to remember
11:23and it has to be okay with him.
11:25Okay, what'd he say?
11:26He said he understood.
11:27But then when it came time, he didn't understand.
11:29Correct.
11:30That was it.
11:32I mean, that's fair.
11:33If I told you, I'm not going to always remember.
11:34Do you go home and go straight to bed?
11:36I do.
11:37I go to take my shower.
11:38I do my routine.
11:39I get comfy.
11:40And then I'll get back to the phone.
11:42So when you get back to the phone, you see his text.
11:44You'll be like, this ain't part of my routine.
11:46Correct.
11:46Correct.
11:48Correct.
11:49Are you in a relationship now or single?
11:50I am happily single.
11:52So now ain't nobody asking about me.
11:55And sometimes, do you care?
11:56Do you feel happy single?
11:58I mean, you say happy, but do your homegirls text you
12:00or nobody text you when you get home?
12:01You just be like, I'm home.
12:02Your father be like, what's up, Sharae?
12:05You got this laundry over here.
12:07You keep looking past.
12:08Correct.
12:09I do let my homegirls know that I made it home.
12:11Oh, so you can let the homegirls know?
12:12Oh, you can let the homegirls know.
12:14I'm Misha Hucklebee, you come on out.
12:16Come on.
12:16Hucklebee.
12:17You be letting people know you made it home?
12:19Of course.
12:20Men?
12:20Yes.
12:21Okay, yeah.
12:22We off to a great start.
12:23This for me?
12:24Yeah.
12:25What's the pettiest reason you've ever ended things with somebody?
12:29Oh, my goodness.
12:30Okay, so I usually date people with them like a couple years older than me.
12:35But I was like, you know what?
12:35Let me try to talk to somebody just a little older just to see what it's like.
12:39What's a little?
12:40So I'm 37.
12:41Mm-hmm.
12:42And I tried to talk to somebody who was like close to like 48-ish.
12:46Oh, my age.
12:47Yeah, but...
12:48I'm 48.
12:4848 laws of power.
12:4948 on the dot.
12:51Okay, okay, yeah.
12:52Okay.
12:52Be careful now what you say.
12:54No, no.
12:55Stand 10 toes down.
12:56Watch your mouth.
12:57No, don't watch your mouth.
12:58Say what you say.
12:59Watch your mouth.
12:59Don't text him back.
13:00You made it home tonight either, mo.
13:01Yeah, yeah.
13:02As old niggas like to know you made it home in one piece.
13:05Yeah, yeah.
13:06I get it.
13:07Okay.
13:07Yeah, I think he was 40.
13:09Well, he said he was 48, but I think he was like probably in his 50s.
13:12So he was lying a little bit.
13:13Oh.
13:13He lying down.
13:14He just lost all credibility.
13:16But I tried to do it, but he kept on saying like different unk phrases.
13:20You know what I mean?
13:20Like, it was just kind of like old school.
13:22Like, he left me voicemails.
13:24I'm like, I see your name on the phone.
13:26Like, I know it's you.
13:26He's like, yeah, baby girl.
13:27This is Charles that you met the other day.
13:32Charles is hilarious.
13:33Wasn't that really Charles?
13:34It was really Charles.
13:36And then he's like, he would just say stuff like, all right, nah.
13:38And I'm like.
13:39Come on, man.
13:41My middle name Charles.
13:42Oh, Tony middle name Charles.
13:44And he's 48.
13:45So he called and left me a voice down.
13:47Watch out, man.
13:47That's my grandfather's name.
13:49Huh?
13:50It could have been.
13:50All right.
13:51All right.
13:51But the straw that broke the camel's back is that he had on like the Uncle Elroy barbecue
13:57sandals with.
13:58Oh, the little leather.
13:59The little, uh, the grilling threes.
14:01Yes.
14:02Yes.
14:02Yeah.
14:03Wait, was he grilling or he was just wearing them?
14:05He was just wearing them.
14:06Oh, wow.
14:07Was his feet ashy or moisturized?
14:10I couldn't tell.
14:11Cause you know, like they got the big little, the little leather straps on there.
14:14So I couldn't tell.
14:14But I don't know if his ankles was ashy about it.
14:17That's hilarious.
14:17I just couldn't do it.
14:19So he was too old.
14:20He was too old.
14:21It was just the mannerisms.
14:22I feel it.
14:23Like everything was just.
14:23I just couldn't do it.
14:24Leaving you a voicemail as an unk is.
14:26Cause they, they tell you stuff that the phone already tells you.
14:31Maybe a, hey Karmisha, this is Charles.
14:33It's, it's, it's Friday 8 43 PM.
14:38You missed my call.
14:39Just want to let you know.
14:40I finished watching Sanford and Son.
14:41You know, I went to school with Red Fox.
14:43Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
14:45I got a, I got a, I got an E and J.
14:48I got some E and J going and a black and mild.
14:50I want to sit down and watch Matlock.
14:52Give me a ring back when you hear me one time.
14:55All right.
14:56This is Charles.
14:57Once again, 8, 8 44, your time.
15:01This is 8 44, your time.
15:02I'm over here.
15:03I got the different time zone going over here.
15:05Give me a call back and give me a text when you make it in.
15:09Matter of fact, it said type, write me a note.
15:11Let me know you made it in.
15:12All right.
15:12All right.
15:13Catch up on the flip side, Jack.
15:15Hey, baby girl.
15:16I noticed you didn't, uh, call me back after I left that first voicemail.
15:20I don't know if it went through.
15:21I got the Bluetooth going, uh, earlier.
15:24So now I'm on the regular landline.
15:26I just want to make sure that you had got my earlier call.
15:30This is Charles once again.
15:32Uh, I was over there at the sandal store getting me some new sandals.
15:36And, uh, I was just thinking about you and I figured I might as well just mosey over in the
15:40house and call you from the landline.
15:42This is Charles, uh, this, uh, October 15th, about 6.38 Eastern Standard Time.
15:51Uh, we on the same coast, so I guess that's the same time for you.
15:57That's crazy, man.
15:59That reminds me of this joke I had with my nephew.
16:03We were down there at Huckleberry's getting some biscuits and he said, uh, let's go to this little slavery reenactment
16:10joint.
16:11I was like, oh, hell no, young man.
16:13It was crazy.
16:14Anyway, girl, uh, this is Charles.
16:19I'm sorry.
16:20You know, can you imagine Charles leaving her a voicemail trying to get some?
16:26Um, Carmisha, this is Charles once again.
16:308.59.
16:31I'm finna get in the bed.
16:32I actually been in the bed since five.
16:34Listen, sweet thing.
16:36I was wondering, you know, you a young tender.
16:38You a PYT.
16:39You understand me?
16:40You a little tender roadie.
16:41Uh, I remember when Michael Jackson made that song, you know, PYT.
16:44I was in the studio with Quincy Jones.
16:46Matter of fact, let that thing simmer now.
16:49Simmer put it on the crock pot for me about eight hours.
16:51I'll be over with you shortly.
16:53I got some new sandals I want to show you.
16:55This is Charles.
16:578.59.
16:59This is Charles.
16:59Did you, uh, ever kiss Charles?
17:01Oh, no.
17:02No, no, no, no.
17:03No, sir.
17:03He's like, come on, Carmisha laid it on me one time.
17:06That's him tapping the Bluetooth?
17:07Come on.
17:08You never kiss Charles?
17:10What if he was about to go in for the kiss, but he was looking over his glasses?
17:15Oh, seriously.
17:17I love his glasses.
17:18I just shut him down.
17:19And his sandals went up on there.
17:22I got the grill going, but come in.
17:24Hey, baby.
17:25Girl, you my word is original.
17:26Girl, you caramel butterscotch sweet.
17:28Word is original?
17:30Going down to the MGM Grands.
17:32Charles had that strawberry candy in his handbag.
17:36I wonder where that strawberry candy come from.
17:40All right, y'all show some love for Carmisha.
17:41We don't want her to take her back.
17:43Down here.
17:44Have a great time.
17:44Let Charles know you made it home safely, all right?
17:47Charles car parked like this.
17:48Let me let you know what I know.
17:49Oh, yeah, for sure.
17:50All right.
17:51Let's get David Abercrombie.
17:52Come on out, baby.
17:55This is the nigga that was talking to her right here, man.
17:58This is Charles.
17:59This is Charles right here, man.
18:00This is Charles, man.
18:01Oh, man.
18:01I know you caught her one time yesterday.
18:03Oh, yeah, man.
18:03Put it there, man.
18:04With the hard bombs.
18:05I know you caught her one time with the Kangolong.
18:07This is Charles for sure.
18:09You gonna let her talk about you like that, man?
18:12Come on.
18:13I ain't gonna take my Kangol off, young lady.
18:18All right, David.
18:20What's a relationship rule that you swear by that sounds toxic,
18:24but somehow works for you?
18:27Okay, so what I said, let me explain a little bit, too.
18:30I said after sex, you don't wash up right away because you fall asleep.
18:35That's all.
18:35So after sex, you don't wash up.
18:37Right away.
18:38Right away.
18:39You didn't write right away.
18:40You just said no wash up immediately after sex.
18:44Right away.
18:45So you go down now.
18:46If you fall asleep, that means you never washed up, then.
18:50That's right.
18:50You fell asleep.
18:51Right away means the next morning when I wake up,
18:53I'm going to take a shower.
18:56Say it again?
18:58If you don't wash up right away, that means you go to sleep.
19:02That means when you wake up, that's when you take a shower.
19:05That's right.
19:05That means you just don't wash up.
19:07Until afterwards.
19:09So wait, that gives you the ick?
19:10The non-wash gives you the ick?
19:12Or the fact that...
19:13No, he don't be washing.
19:14It ain't an ick.
19:15You just go to sleep crusty?
19:16He just go to sleep balls to the wall.
19:20That's wild, though.
19:21I'm with you, David.
19:22I don't do no washing up.
19:24What the hell y'all doing?
19:25Y'all just laying there in the ceiling.
19:26Man, I be sleep meat stuck to my leg.
19:29I don't care.
19:31Them is tomorrow's problems.
19:34There be busting nut all over the place.
19:36That ain't my problem, man.
19:37Watch out.
19:38Now, I'll give you this.
19:39If I pass out, that's something different,
19:41because sometimes the pass out happens.
19:43Sometimes you pass out, you still inside.
19:47I've definitely done that.
19:48Still inside.
19:51But if I'm up, I got a bird bath.
19:53I got to go wash up.
19:54A whole bird bath?
19:55I got to wash up, man.
19:57Why?
19:58Because it's crusty, man.
19:59It's filth.
20:00That ain't filth.
20:02I don't want to wake up with the crust.
20:04It's nature.
20:05It is, but still, man.
20:06I be like...
20:10At least you did something, though.
20:13You wiped it.
20:13I'll get a shirt, a jersey.
20:16Damn.
20:17Chipotle bag.
20:18Whatever's over there, man.
20:19That's rough.
20:20Yeah, I done washed up with a Chipotle bag, man.
20:22I couldn't reach the tower.
20:23I was like...
20:24Aluminum foil, nigga.
20:26Aluminum foil.
20:28I got to get up and get that bird bath on, man.
20:30So you literally, no matter what it is,
20:32you be like, let me go to the bathroom and take a shower.
20:34If I don't pass out, I'm going to that bathroom
20:38to wash up every time.
20:40That's crazy, man.
20:41No, it ain't, man.
20:42No, it is.
20:43It's called sanitation, nigga.
20:44You not dirty.
20:46Huh?
20:46You not dirty.
20:47I'm crusty, though.
20:48I'm juicy at first, and I'm crusty.
20:51I can't have it.
20:54It don't bother me at all.
20:56And I sleep naked.
20:58I don't care.
20:59And then I bring a towel for the woman.
21:01I come in there with a nice, warm towel.
21:03Oh, clap, clap, clap for Tony, man.
21:05Watch out, man.
21:07Don't clock, team.
21:08Don't clock, team.
21:09Don't clock it.
21:12Now I get a woman cleaning up, you know what I'm saying?
21:14Man, she feels...
21:15Oh, now you're all in.
21:16I understand that.
21:17I mean, fuck that, man.
21:18She feels more of the, you know what I'm saying, situation.
21:21I got it clean, man.
21:24David does too, man.
21:25He takes the Kangol on.
21:26He's like, man, you be smashed with the Kangol on, David?
21:28No, no Kangol on, yeah.
21:30He be like, all right, I'm gonna go crazy on you.
21:34You ain't used to this.
21:37This how we used to strobe when Marvin Gaye was releasing the album.
21:44And then he finishes, he puts the Kangol back on and goes to sleep.
21:47Go right to sleep with a hat on.
21:49All right, y'all show some love for David Abercrombie, man.
21:52Yeah, man, wash up, man.
21:56Go to that sink and wash up, dog.
21:58Y'all out here wild.
22:01All right, come on out, Kim.
22:03All right, Kim.
22:04What's something you might get a lot of hate for if you say it out loud?
22:08I don't like giving my money to homeless white men.
22:14Are y'all clapping for this?
22:15I don't like giving my money to homeless white men.
22:19Who stood up on this?
22:21What kind of bigotry is going on out here in D.C.?
22:25Hey, man, fuck you, homeless white men.
22:29There you go, homeless black man.
22:32What the hell going on, man?
22:34Is it only homeless white men?
22:36It's only homeless white men.
22:38So homeless Asian man, good.
22:40He cool.
22:41I don't know if I've ever seen an homeless Asian person.
22:44Why? What you got against homeless white men?
22:45Well, I feel like they on the top of it.
22:47Time out.
22:47Hold on a second.
22:50Have you ever seen a homeless Asian person?
22:59I don't think I've ever seen a homeless Asian person.
23:02I was going through the races.
23:05I'm not even making a joke.
23:06I'm realizing in the moment Asian people be like, we got homes, y'all.
23:10Not in America.
23:11Not in America.
23:11Not in America.
23:11I didn't even see it.
23:12In Japan, I didn't see a homeless person at all.
23:14I've been to Japan a few times.
23:16I didn't see nobody homeless.
23:18If I go to a city and there ain't no homeless people, I'd be like, they killing them.
23:23That's immediately what I think.
23:24I'd be like, nah, man, they killing them all.
23:26That's how bad America is.
23:27We be like, man, ain't no way y'all taking care of them.
23:30You're killing them all.
23:30You gotta be murdering them.
23:33Okay, so you see a homeless white lady.
23:36Nah.
23:37Not even white women?
23:39They like neck and neck almost.
23:42So you walking past them.
23:44If you got children with her, maybe.
23:45Oh, you got homeless kids, they in.
23:46Maybe.
23:47What if they got a dog?
23:49Then you got priorities messed up.
23:51Damn.
23:53So you stepping over the white people like, excuse me.
23:56Y'all had a good chance.
23:58You're at the top of the food chain.
24:00What you doing here homeless?
24:02So who's your favorite homeless?
24:04What?
24:04You got favorites?
24:06A black woman, I guess.
24:07Black woman?
24:08She would never be.
24:08She would never be homeless?
24:10No, not.
24:11I would make sure she would get somewhere to live.
24:13You would give her a house?
24:15No.
24:15I would find somewhere for her, a shelter or something.
24:18You really would do that?
24:19I would.
24:20Good.
24:20Let's go after the show and find something.
24:21I wanted you to prove it to yourself tonight.
24:23I'm gonna hold you to it, kid.
24:25All right.
24:26Come on out.
24:26Siobhan Carter.
24:28All right, Siobhan.
24:30What's the craziest thing about your life that nobody would believe just by looking at
24:34you?
24:34Okay.
24:35We listen and we don't judge.
24:36No, we judge and we don't really listen, actually.
24:39We judging first.
24:40But say your little, say your little stuff.
24:42I got on the judge room right now.
24:45A long, long time ago, back in 2009 is when I was really, really saved and I thought God
24:49told me that I needed to be married by 2009.
24:53Okay.
24:54Okay.
24:54So I was in a relationship for five years, it ended in September.
24:57I only had three months left, so I had to figure out how it was gonna happen.
25:01Y'all, they're judging already.
25:03There's little judgment murmurs.
25:04They're like, all right, girl, watch out.
25:06God ain't say that.
25:06I heard somebody say, God ain't say nothing like that.
25:08You don't know what God told her.
25:10I know what you're saying.
25:11God ain't said nothing like that in 2009.
25:14I knew him, man.
25:15All right, keep going.
25:15I believe you.
25:16I know what God said to the Lord.
25:18He ain't say that.
25:18He didn't say that, but you know what I'm saying?
25:19I still believe you.
25:20Okay.
25:21And so it was September and I reached back out to somebody I went to college with.
25:25We were friends and we reconnected, got in a relationship, and I proposed the idea
25:30of us getting married.
25:31And then I went to Florida, got married, moved him back to my house.
25:35God dang it.
25:36I was trying not to judge.
25:39Did you propose the idea of marriage or you proposed to him?
25:42I proposed the idea of marriage over the phone.
25:44It was crazy.
25:45Wait, so you proposed to him over the phone?
25:47Yeah.
25:47And bought my own ring.
25:48You bought your own ring.
25:53Did you at least wear a dress or did you wear the suit?
25:57I wore a dress.
25:58So wait a minute.
26:00So you was on the phone like, were you married?
26:03I was on the phone like, you know, we've been knowing each other for a long time.
26:05Might as well just, he was on the phone.
26:06She did a jagged edge song.
26:08Meet me at the altar in my white dress.
26:12We ain't getting no younger.
26:14The Lord said do it.
26:16So did y'all go through with this?
26:18Did he wear a dress at the wedding?
26:20He might as well have.
26:22He might as well have.
26:23It was crazy.
26:23How long were y'all married?
26:25Five years.
26:25God dang it.
26:28Five years on the rush job?
26:31On the rush job.
26:31It was bad.
26:32When did the Lord tell you he didn't say that and you don't need to do this?
26:35When I went to therapy after we divorced.
26:39Then the Lord was like, ain't nobody tell you nothing.
26:41I said, you gonna be fine by 2009.
26:44You heard, get in line by 2009.
26:47Did he work?
26:48Did he work?
26:49Yeah.
26:49Yeah, he worked.
26:50Yeah.
26:50And then we were married for a year, then he lost his job and it went downhill from there.
26:54What happened after he lost his job?
26:56Um, he got depressed and he was sad.
27:03There was no empathy for the depression.
27:06Oh, he lost a little job.
27:07Now you depressed.
27:09Now you sad.
27:10Meanwhile, I'm at work.
27:11Did your sad ass fill out some applications today?
27:14Are you still sad on the couch?
27:16This nigga here.
27:18Got you a little depression, huh?
27:19Got you a little Zola.
27:21Got you a little anxiety pill.
27:24He said, man, what you want to eat tonight?
27:27You want some tears?
27:28He said, hey, Sam.
27:30Some tear soup, nigga.
27:33Go ahead.
27:34And then what?
27:34And then I found out he was cheating on me with somebody.
27:37Of course he was cheating.
27:38Of course he was cheating.
27:41He was cheating when he didn't have no job?
27:43He was cheating when he kept going back and forth to Florida and I found out.
27:46He was giving the sad pumps.
27:47He was like, man, I don't even want to.
27:50She just don't understand me, man.
27:51I've been filling out the applications.
27:53I don't even have a job.
27:55I've been filling out them applications, man.
27:56They never called me back.
27:57She don't understand me, man.
27:58How did you find out he was cheating on you in Florida?
28:00Why was he going to Florida?
28:01What did he tell you?
28:02The girl reached out to me on Instagram.
28:04I posted a picture of her.
28:05She came to you as a woman?
28:06No, I posted a picture of us and she said, oh, really?
28:12Barbara, this is Shirley.
28:15Wait, she said, oh, really, to you and you were married.
28:17Really?
28:18And I was married to him.
28:18What you doing with my man?
28:20Basically.
28:20Wow.
28:22Oh, so she didn't know he was married.
28:23She didn't know and I didn't know.
28:24She's like, first of all, bitch, I proposed to him six months ago.
28:28He said, yes.
28:30What you doing with my husband?
28:33That's crazy.
28:34So what made you file for the paperwork?
28:37I was done.
28:39I was done.
28:40He didn't want to come back.
28:41So I was like, I'm good.
28:42He was done.
28:44He was done.
28:45She said, I was done.
28:47He didn't come back.
28:48Well, I think he was also done.
28:50And I had to come to my senses, yes.
28:52I came to myself, you know.
28:54You came to yourself?
28:55What was your friends and family saying?
28:57Oh, my God.
28:59They were like, are you sure you want to get married?
29:00Because it was so fast.
29:01And then after it was all over, they was like,
29:03well, I ain't never like him anyway, you know.
29:05They had a separate group chat about you.
29:07Like, I told this girl, man, why the hell would you propose to a nigga from Florida?
29:11Now the nigga ain't got no job.
29:13He over in Florida eating oranges and banging Floridians.
29:15Them dudes with no jobs be cheating their ass off, man.
29:18Because they got all that free time to just holler at random chicks.
29:23How's your relationship been since?
29:24Have you found yourself?
29:25Have you come to your senses?
29:26Now I'm good.
29:27I will never, ever, ever do that again.
29:29And that's right.
29:30And you better not.
29:31All right.
29:31We'll see you later.
29:32Dr. April Y. Hodges.
29:35Come on down.
29:36What's a relationship rule you swear by that sounds toxic, but somehow works?
29:42Okay.
29:43So keep in mind that I am fresh and clean always.
29:46Okay.
29:47I'll catch.
29:47But if you go down on me, I'm not gonna kiss you afterwards.
29:51I got standards.
29:52You bougie.
29:53You got standards?
29:55Your own coochie is the standard.
29:58What's wrong with your coochie?
30:00Oh, no.
30:01You think you better than your coochie?
30:03She thinks she better than her coochie.
30:05She said I got standards.
30:06Don't kiss me after me.
30:08Uh-huh.
30:09I've been married for 20 years.
30:11Okay.
30:12Married for 20 years.
30:12Your husband's here?
30:13No, he's not.
30:14He's watching our three kids.
30:15Good for him, man.
30:17Shout out to husbands.
30:17Kiss that man.
30:18Kiss that man after he serves you.
30:21So he tried to kiss you and you were like, man, watch out.
30:24I'm good.
30:24I'm good.
30:25Do you do this?
30:27He knows not to try now.
30:29Yeah, we've been.
30:30Did you pop his lips one time?
30:31Like, ah, don't you dare.
30:33You don't.
30:34No.
30:35It hurt the first time you told him it hurt.
30:37So your husband just, he knows the rules and he can't do it no more.
30:41Yeah.
30:42So on the other end, on the other side, after you service him, do you kiss him?
30:50No.
30:50Okay.
30:51So you keep it even on both sides.
30:53So they finish and they just dap each other up.
30:55Like, all right, my boy.
30:56Appreciate you.
30:57Good shit.
30:58Y'all be saluting each other.
31:00You did your big one down there tonight.
31:03Hell yeah.
31:04That's what the fuck I'm talking about, man.
31:06Great job.
31:06Where the towel's going?
31:08They shake hands like they just sold her a used car.
31:10Now you got the Buick.
31:12Title, tax, and license out the door.
31:14All right, Dr. Avery Wild Hodges.
31:16Oh, you got a germaphobe.
31:17So she got the whole thing going.
31:18That's why she did the pound.
31:20Yeah, all right.
31:20She's like, watch out, man.
31:22Watch out, man.
31:22I don't want my own coochie juice on my lips.
31:29I'm all for it, man.
31:31For the afterwards kiss?
31:32You can kiss me right on the mouth after you top me off.
31:37Let me taste my own packaging.
31:39Like, mm.
31:40That's what I taste like, huh?
31:48I think when you just smash it, man, I don't really be thinking that much about it.
31:52I feel like you just got to be...
31:54Let's get filthy, you know what I'm saying?
31:54You got to just be locked in, man.
31:56I'm already inside you, man.
31:58Anything goes.
31:59Yeah.
32:00If we smash it raw.
32:01Yeah, for sure.
32:02Smash it raw, man.
32:04Randos I get, though.
32:05If it's somebody, you know...
32:06The homeless white woman, you're not going to do it.
32:08Yeah, yeah.
32:09I'm going to go ahead and, you know...
32:11There's hardly anything I won't do on the sex tip, but I won't eat no cereal after you.
32:16Now, that's just disgusting.
32:18Cereal and soup.
32:19I be seeing couples share cereal.
32:20I be like, this is disgusting, man.
32:22Sharing milk is disgusting.
32:24Absolutely.
32:24That's disgusting.
32:25I be going back into the bowl.
32:27Disgusting.
32:27Now I'll lick your butt.
32:29But I ain't sharing no milk.
32:30That's where I draw the line.
32:33Yeah, I feel that on the milk.
32:34I won't lick your butt, but I just want it to be funny.
32:39Speaking about...
32:42Me and Tony was arguing about this backstage,
32:44because somebody put this in, but they didn't want to go upstage.
32:46They said people be coming into the gym musty, right?
32:50So me and Tony was talking backstage, because I feel like you can't come into the gym musty.
32:54You can work up a must, but you can't walk in the door.
32:58Like, you...
32:59Now, we...
32:59It's a shared space.
33:01You can't be like, good morning, with your arms first.
33:05And then you'd be like, you got three more sets?
33:07Nah.
33:07So then we start talking about deodorant, because you know what I'm saying?
33:10I'll put some deodorant on before, and I go five swipes.
33:13Well, nine swipes, technically.
33:15You said nine.
33:15Nine swipes for me.
33:17One, two, three, four.
33:17That's a lot of deodorant, man.
33:19Yeah.
33:19But tell...
33:20Tell them.
33:20Tell them how much deodorant you put on as a grown man.
33:23I do...
33:23I do three swipes.
33:24I'll be like...
33:26That ain't enough deodorant for the world.
33:29Three swipes?
33:30With global warming the way it is?
33:33Nine swipes is crazy.
33:35You...
33:35That's not nine full.
33:36It's like, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
33:39That's nine swipes, dog.
33:40Huh?
33:40But I got deep pits.
33:43What is a deep pit?
33:44Three swipes for all day.
33:46Do you reapply?
33:46So you getting ready.
33:48You like, yeah.
33:48So I was telling them, I might be down there this afternoon.
33:52No, that was 11.
33:53You're up to 13 now.
33:54This is crazy.
33:57So what time we going?
33:59Yes.
34:0018 swipes total.
34:01That's mad swipes, man.
34:03Marcus Winters, come on on the stage.
34:06All right, Marcus, what's a public habit your partner has that embarrasses you just enough
34:11to make you question your life choices, but you love their crazy anyway?
34:16I think I said the ear.
34:18Cleaning the ear with the pig noises.
34:21Oh, so like...
34:23Oh, yeah.
34:25My aunt does, she does.
34:27That's tough to listen to, man.
34:29Yeah.
34:30I mean, it was a date.
34:31It was like, I had been working on this one person for like months.
34:35Oh.
34:35Yeah, and I finally, finally got her out on a date.
34:37And the whole drive, I'm like trying to tell her about my life, and you doing all that.
34:40Oh, she did it on the first date?
34:42First date.
34:42She did it on the first date?
34:43The worst part was at dinner, you know, she was digging all in the air doing it,
34:48and then she passed me the rolls like I was supposed to...
34:51I like butter on my roll.
34:53She dug in her ear and passed the roll.
34:55Like, hey, do you want a piece and broke it off?
34:57Oh!
34:58Come on, Marcus!
35:00No!
35:01The biscuits!
35:02Hey, I asked if she needed to...
35:04I was like, you having like an allergic reaction, something going on?
35:07Like...
35:07And she was like, no, why would you say that?
35:08And I was just like...
35:10She don't know she was doing it?
35:11I had no idea.
35:13Whole time.
35:14Just...
35:14Did you eat the roll?
35:17You know he ate the roll, Tony.
35:19You know he ate the roll, y'all!
35:21They still together to this day!
35:22He ate the roll!
35:24Hey, she was fine.
35:25I was trying to eat something else later.
35:26Hey, come on, man.
35:28You gotta have standards, man.
35:30You gotta stand on business.
35:33Regardless of how fine she is, you gotta stand on business.
35:36How long y'all been together now?
35:38Oh, no, she gone.
35:39There you go.
35:39Oh!
35:40Oh, this just happened once in your life?
35:41One time.
35:43Wait, did y'all ever get together?
35:44No, after I saw that, no.
35:46So you never got to eat the coochie?
35:49By the end of the night, I didn't even want it no more.
35:50But you ate the ear roll.
35:53You might as well have ate the coochie since she had the earwax.
35:56And then go in for the kiss.
35:57I said it wasn't my proudest moment.
35:59I didn't think she was that clean afterwards.
36:01So I was like...
36:02My aunt does that all the time.
36:04And I'd be like, man, I don't even want to visit you.
36:06She just wakes up.
36:10I'd be like, yuck.
36:15Like, you can't...
36:15You'd just be looking at her like...
36:16I'd be just...
36:19And it sounds like a pig.
36:21I'd just be like, you disgust me, auntie.
36:25And the car just turned up the radio
36:26because I thought it was going to pass.
36:28Like, by the time we got to the restaurant,
36:29and it just didn't.
36:30Damn.
36:30She did it the whole ride.
36:32She was mad comfortable with you.
36:33Every two minutes on a dot.
36:35Every two minutes on a dot.
36:35Just dig.
36:35She was comfortable with you.
36:36You should have pulled over and kicked her out.
36:39You can't do that in public.
36:41That's a long-term relationship choice.
36:43For sure.
36:44She opened up with this.
36:45She's like, so...
36:47So...
36:48Where we going?
36:50She never did it at work.
36:51I love it there.
36:52She never did it at work.
36:53Oh, y'all work together?
36:54Yeah.
36:54She never did it at work.
36:55But for some reason, once she got in my car...
36:57Maybe she was allergic to something in your whip.
37:00God was trying to tell me something.
37:01Now, God tried to tell that lady something,
37:03but God ain't had nothing to do with that.
37:05God was like, hey, get married in 2009.
37:07Watch this.
37:08This is crazy.
37:10All right, man.
37:11Y'all show some love, man.
37:12Earwax game.
37:15All right, come on out, Jake.
37:18Oh, you taking your sweet time, man.
37:20Real, man.
37:21And you better not be homeless.
37:22You ain't gonna get nothing to this audience.
37:24He was walking out slow as hell, man.
37:27This is how he walked out.
37:29Shit.
37:30Come on out, Jake.
37:41First of all, me and Jake are the same in different skin colors.
37:46You went to Morgan State?
37:48I didn't finish.
37:49But you really went there?
37:51Oh, yeah, I went.
37:52But I didn't finish.
37:53Oh, wow.
37:54That's crazy.
37:55All right, Jake.
37:56What's the craziest thing about your life that nobody will believe just by looking at you?
38:06I don't look like it, but I grew up in a black church.
38:09You grew up in a black church?
38:11I'm the minister of music at that black church.
38:14Right now?
38:15Right now.
38:16I don't know.
38:17I'm gonna give you a black church quiz.
38:19See if it's really...
38:20You talking about from childhood?
38:22From childhood.
38:23Okay, I'm gonna judge you if you black, and I...
38:25All right.
38:26Okay.
38:27First of all, what's the name of the church?
38:30Salome Free Will Baptist Church.
38:32All right.
38:32Oh, Baptist Church.
38:34Okay.
38:34Salome?
38:35Salome.
38:36Salome Free Word?
38:38Salome.
38:39Go wash your eyes in the pool of...
38:42Salome.
38:43First of all, you sound a little bit like a preacher.
38:45Go wash your eyes in the pool of...
38:47You sure you want this smoke, Ken?
38:50You sure you want this smoke?
38:51Yeah, I want this smoke.
38:52He already dropped a little quote on you real casual.
38:55Salome.
38:56You want the smoke, Nick?
38:57Because I'm over here.
38:58Don't wash your eyes.
38:59I already know where I stand on the church shit.
39:05Okay, you were there.
39:05This ain't my ministry.
39:08Nice, Tom.
39:10You said you were in childhood.
39:11Okay, what sort of activities were you doing when you were a child at Shalom Free Baptist Church?
39:17Free Will?
39:17I'm sorry, man.
39:18He said a lot of names.
39:20That's why I thought it could be black.
39:21We'd be heavy on the names and then just throw the denomination on the end.
39:25Shalom Free Will Baptist.
39:26Did y'all call it FFC?
39:28SFB.
39:28Okay.
39:29Um, Alexia.
39:30All right.
39:33I don't know what I said, but okay.
39:36SFB.
39:36What would you do as a child?
39:38Were you in any ministries?
39:40Junior Usher Board.
39:41That's a black church thing.
39:43The junior Usher Board.
39:45The little children be six, like.
39:54They be taking gum out of adults.
39:57Okay.
39:58Junior Usher Board.
39:59What else?
40:00Uh, the Lilies of the Valley Children's Choir.
40:02Oh, my God.
40:04Lilies of the Valley Children's Choir?
40:09This little light of mine.
40:11Sing, Jake.
40:12I'm gonna let it shine.
40:14Oh, this little light of mine.
40:18I'm gonna let it shine.
40:20Okay.
40:21What else?
40:22Anything else?
40:23Oh, we used to go skate in the Shake and Bake on Pennsylvania Avenue.
40:27Shake and Bake?
40:28That might just be a black thing.
40:29I don't think that had anything to do with the church.
40:31They were just like, I don't know if that church, but we used to go skate in.
40:34Okay.
40:35Let me ask you this.
40:36I want you to finish the statements.
40:40Give in honor to God.
40:41Who is the head of my life.
40:43Yeah!
40:44I know you know it!
40:46And I know you better know.
40:49God is good.
40:50All the time.
40:52And all the time.
40:53God is good.
40:54Come on and bless him.
40:58Give in honor to the pastor, the?
41:02Members and friends.
41:04Officers and members.
41:05I was gonna say the angel of this.
41:07Oh, the angel of this house.
41:08Come on, angel of this house.
41:10Did y'all have testimony service?
41:12The 15 minutes before regular service.
41:14Okay, that's very black.
41:17Did y'all ever have 3.30 service?
41:193.30, 4.30, 5.30, 6.30.
41:22Okay.
41:23Explain to me the food that y'all had when the church cooked.
41:26It was the Baptist Happy Meal.
41:30Baptist Happy Meal is hilarious.
41:32What's in the Baptist Happy Meal?
41:33Baked, fried, collard greens, mac and cheese, candy sweets,
41:42something else sweet, potato salad, not store-bought.
41:46Nobody likes that.
41:49The Amish did all right, but it wasn't like homemade in the kitchen.
41:52What was your pastor's name?
41:54George Nicholson.
41:56That's black.
41:58You said you're the minister of music.
41:59What instrument do you play?
42:00Keys, organ, piano.
42:02What kind of organ is it?
42:04Hammond B3.
42:05That's the blackest thing ever.
42:07Jake, you be on there pulling the draw bars,
42:10and do you take your shoe off and play?
42:12You play shoe on?
42:14You play bass with your left?
42:17It's in the ankle.
42:19What you doing in all the black stuff?
42:22He on there playing the organ as a white.
42:26Do you transpose?
42:27No.
42:29That's really black.
42:30Transpose when you change keys falsely.
42:32Real black musicians, it's a cardinal sin.
42:34You can't transpose.
42:35You got to go from C-sharp to E-flat on your own.
42:40I'm trying to think of anything else black.
42:42Is that a question?
42:43No, I was just telling people
42:44because they didn't know it transposes, but I know.
42:47I'm trying to think of anything else black.
42:49You're passing with flying clothes right now.
42:52Who'd you vote for just in case?
42:56Oh, now he can't hear.
42:58Oh, now when it comes to politics,
43:00oh, now, oh, oh, oh, oh.
43:02Now he can't hear.
43:04Now he can't hear.
43:06One more time.
43:07I said, who'd you vote for?
43:10Oh, Kamala.
43:11Now you better know it's right.
43:13You wasn't going to make it out of here.
43:16You ever speak in tongues?
43:18No.
43:19I tried.
43:19I faked it so I could go sit down.
43:21Okay.
43:21That is the blackest thing ever.
43:23Y'all show some love for Jay.
43:25Fake beginning tongue.
43:26Yada-da-da-moshi.
43:27Yada-da-da-da-say.
43:28CC, y'all been amazing.
43:29Thank y'all so much.
43:30Y'all been one of our favorite shows
43:32for the entire tour, Mo.
43:33God bless y'all.
43:34God keep you.
43:35We'll see you at the conference.
43:37Okay.
43:52Go get out of here.
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