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00:02Jay, Mark, I would like to discuss with you my vision for Mountains of the Valley,
00:08the world's first upscale restaurant.
00:11I'm confused, Trevor.
00:12I thought you owned the trademark to that name and you would refuse to sell it to him.
00:15Yes, but in the end, Jay couldn't countenance the alternative name that Tad settled upon.
00:21Boobs and steaks.
00:22So they asked me to let Tad have Mountains of the Valley, and here we are.
00:27And how we come up with the menu, Jay?
00:28You got my email with the lamb?
00:30Yeah, I did.
00:31Tad, it's just, you know, the individual chops are kind of my signature.
00:35Yeah, gotta be a rack.
00:36Otherwise, it won't make sense when the servers ask if anyone would like to see their huge rack.
00:40Well, it's hard to argue with that, Tad.
00:42And what exactly are jalapeno knockers?
00:45That's for Jay to figure out.
00:47But they're on the menu.
00:51Okay, we have to find a way to save Mahesh.
00:53We can't let our restaurant turn into this.
00:55Okay, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.
01:01Yeah, this is hell.
01:02Who is that?
01:04Nikki, the new barkeep.
01:06She looks very qualified.
01:10Are you talking about those strong muddling hands?
01:12Yeah, I noticed that too.
01:14Calluses for days, am I right?
01:15Oh, yeah.
01:16No mint is safe.
01:25What do you mean you're moving out?
01:27I know this comes as a shock.
01:29When I moved to the basement, I considered it a permanent and authentic decision.
01:33But what can I say?
01:34My friends miss me.
01:36Spare us, Isaac.
01:38You moved down here so you could run for ghost representative as a basement dweller.
01:42Now you don't need us, so you're out of here.
01:45Fine.
01:46Take your carpet and put it in your bag and shove it.
01:50Oh, well, this is emotional for all of us.
01:55I, for one, will remember each and every one of you fondly.
01:59I'm back.
02:01Free of those freaks.
02:03Oh, do you smell that?
02:05I don't smell anything.
02:06Precisely.
02:07Oh, it's good to be home.
02:09Welcome back, Isaac.
02:13Hey, uh, Tad, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
02:16Oh, I'm glad you're here.
02:19What if instead of small, medium, and large, we offered our drinks in a B cup, C cup, and D
02:23cup?
02:23I think this guy might be a genius.
02:26Tad, are you sure that this rebrand is the best thing for the business?
02:29It's just Mahesh is very precious to Jay.
02:32I mean, he named it after his dad.
02:34I named the main character after my dad in my classic noir film, Jimmy the Deadbeat.
02:40He must have been very touched.
02:42Sons of bitches.
02:43Sorry, sorry.
02:45City council is voting tomorrow to officially remove me from office.
02:49Oh, I thought that already happened.
02:51Effectively, yeah.
02:52It's just a formality.
02:54But if the vote goes your way tomorrow, you could be mayor again?
02:58Never gonna happen.
02:59Councilman Gus Hayward, my nemesis, is the deciding vote.
03:03So unless he has a miraculous change of heart, afraid you guys are stuck with me.
03:08I always wanted to have a nemesis.
03:09Well, what about your friend who was sleeping with your wife for all those years?
03:12Oh, yeah.
03:13I guess I do have one.
03:14Hang on.
03:15If Gus did change his mind and reinstate you, is that something you'd be interested in?
03:20Yeah, of course.
03:21Public service is my passion.
03:23I just want to help people, make the world better.
03:25Hey, Ted, the tank tops came in, but they're not bedazzled like you wanted.
03:30Seriously?
03:30I spent 20 minutes on the phone with that guy.
03:33I sent him multiple sketches.
03:35Sorry, excuse me.
03:39This is interesting.
03:40Sam, it seems like if you can get Tad his mayor shit back, he'll drop the whole restaurant idea.
03:44Whoa, let's just take a beat.
03:46What about Nikki?
03:47She just got this job.
03:49Is anybody thinking about her?
03:50Because I'm thinking about her.
03:52I'm thinking about her quite a bit.
03:54We got to talk to this councilman, see if we can change his mind.
03:56Now, hold your horses.
03:58You want to flip a politician, you're going to need some leverage.
04:00What do you mean?
04:01I'm talking about dirt.
04:03Who is this guy?
04:04What's he hiding?
04:05Everybody has something they don't want someone to know.
04:08Like my unpermitted deck.
04:09I mean, I would have done just about anything to keep that from coming out.
04:12The stairs weren't even to code.
04:14God forgive me.
04:15That makes a lot of sense, Joan.
04:16I'm going to do some digging on this councilman, see if we can find anything useful.
04:22It's like she doesn't care about Nikki at all.
04:25Heartless.
04:36Isaac!
04:37Sorry, I'm sorry.
04:40I just can't seem to fall asleep.
04:42Perhaps I'm out of practice sleeping, lying down.
04:45In the basement, we sleep standing up like cattle or horses.
04:49Also giraffes, which, as I understand them, are kind of like tall orange donkeys.
04:54Look, I've got a big day tomorrow.
04:56The new People magazine is arriving, and I'm hoping for a shallow makeover.
04:59Wait, what happened to Momoa?
05:00Oh, hunks are over.
05:01It's all about hot rodent men now.
05:03Hot rodent men.
05:05Okay, good night.
05:11I swear to God.
05:14Oh, God, this takes me back.
05:17Digging up dirt on a big wig.
05:19A politician with a dark past.
05:21Classic noir stuff.
05:23This guy's a saint.
05:24Councilman Gus Hayward.
05:26Volunteers at church.
05:27Fundraises for the Salvation Army.
05:29Fosters disabled dogs.
05:30Boom!
05:31I got a parking ticket in 1996.
05:34Is that anything?
05:35Not exactly a dead hooker, but it's a start.
05:38Happy blackmailing, everyone.
05:39How's it going?
05:40We've got bupkis.
05:41This guy's cleaner than Orson Welles played after a steak dinner at Musso's.
05:45She has a way with words.
05:46I don't know what any of them mean, but I like how she says it.
05:49Wait, is that the guy?
05:51That's Gus?
05:52Yeah, why?
05:53Because I've seen him before.
05:55And if we need dirt, oh boy, I got a whole truckload.
05:58Enough to get the mayor his job back?
06:00And then some.
06:01Oh, I got a second parking ticket.
06:02Wait, a pattern emerges.
06:08Just tell us, Pete, what do you have on Gus that would be so damning that he would have to
06:12reinstate Tad as the mayor?
06:14Well, I will tell you, right after a patented Martino drum roll.
06:25I saw him in an orgy.
06:27Oh.
06:27What?
06:28You remember months ago when we snuck into the Farnsby's media room to move that bookshelf so that Thor could
06:32watch his son get married?
06:33We do have fun.
06:34Yes, I remember.
06:35I jumped out the window and I ran home to cancel our Evercreek water subscription.
06:39Well, after you left, you'll recall Jay was stuck in the closet while your friends who were renting the Farnsby's
06:44home put on a DVD of what they thought was the movie Swingers.
06:48But it turned out to be a sex tape of people who actually were swingers.
06:52Bingo!
06:52A septuagenarian orgy, one of the stars of which was our friend Gus right here.
06:57Oh.
06:58Jay, Gus was in that amateur porn video you heard in the Farnsby's closet.
07:02Oh, God.
07:04That haunting knee-clicking, that was Gus's.
07:07Click, a clack, a romp in the sack.
07:09She can really sell some gibberish.
07:11But, babe, none of this is good to us unless we can get some hard evidence.
07:14No pun intended.
07:16Yes, my guy's not afraid to go blue.
07:18Well, we better get that tape.
07:19Or we could accept that Mahesh had a good run and Nikki gets to keep her job.
07:24Who are we to play God?
07:28So we'll get the tape.
07:29Yeah, we'll get the tape.
07:29Great.
07:30Suddenly, Ward McAllister opens his mouth and vomits all over Alva Vanderbilt's birthday cake.
07:39Ooh, and that's when I realize the clans have turned.
07:44Am I boring you?
07:46I'm sorry, Hetty.
07:47I didn't get a wink last night.
07:49I've been in the basement so long, I think I've grown habituated to their unusual nocturnal customs.
07:55Hmm.
07:56You've been institutionalized.
07:58Excuse me?
07:59In 1876, my mother made an offhand comment admitting to feelings of sexual longing.
08:03She was thus diagnosed with hysteria and whisked away to the local asylum.
08:07Naturally.
08:08Upon her return, 18 months later, she had grown accustomed to the ways of the asylum and it was now
08:12home where she felt a strange unease.
08:14Yes.
08:15That's exactly how I'm feeling.
08:17So what did you do?
08:18Well, we realized she needed to be weaned.
08:21So for a time, we brought a taste of the asylum back to Woodstone.
08:25To help Mother go to sleep, my sister Margaret and I would wail psychotically outside her door.
08:29Interesting.
08:31So you're saying I should bring some of the basement upstairs, at least until I've weaned myself of their ways.
08:36Indeed.
08:37Exactly.
08:37Genius.
08:40Now, where was I?
08:41Oh, yes.
08:42It was a dangerous summer for shellfish.
08:46I'm surprised you wanted to borrow a DVD.
08:48Don't y'all have streaming over there?
08:50I'm more of a physical media guy.
08:51Me too.
08:52Though I got burned bad by Betamax.
08:55How did VHS win?
08:56It's a slightly inferior platform.
08:59There's so many to choose from, I think I'll just go with some of the classics.
09:03Master and Commander.
09:05Oh, Die Hard.
09:06Whatever this is.
09:08And Sudden Death, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
09:11Wait, that one's not actually Swingers.
09:13And Die Hard's not what he thinks it is either.
09:15It's fine, whatever.
09:16No, you really don't want to see that.
09:18Well, that's what they said about Batman Forever, but guess what?
09:20I loved it.
09:21It's the Farnsby's having sex with a bunch of old people.
09:28I can handle it.
09:29What?
09:31See you later.
09:33So, how's married life?
09:36He snores so loud.
09:38Vikings.
09:40Okay, Eddie.
09:43That's perfect.
09:44Pete, don't be afraid to scoot right in there.
09:46All right.
09:47Now, Sass, feel free to relax that posture.
09:48We're looking for a nice, casual slouch.
09:50All right, that's it.
09:51What the hell's going on here?
09:53Oh, well, Hedy helped me see that I had become institutionalized.
09:57So, in order to wean myself, I've decided to temporarily recreate the basement sleep experience
10:02upstairs.
10:03Don't mind us.
10:03We'll just be standing here quietly watching you sleep.
10:05Oh, it won't be quiet.
10:07No, the subterranean sleep experience is a symphony of bodily noises.
10:11What?
10:11Well, for example, Nancy died with pus blocking a majority of her nasal canal, creating the
10:17most soothing nose whistle.
10:19Hedy, I'm going to need you to recreate that.
10:20Oh, unfortunately, cocaine obliterated my septum.
10:23The air blows through it like a breeze through a mountain pass.
10:27Okay.
10:28Well, there's also a scent element.
10:30Did anyone die having recently eaten an onion?
10:32Creepy jerk did.
10:33And that pungent aroma has become a bit of a security blanket.
10:36You know, Isaac, these requests are a little more specific than I anticipated.
10:40I kind of just thought it would be clumping.
10:43So, that's a no to the onion?
10:45Okay.
10:46Well, somebody has to be in charge of the bedtime stories.
10:48And the main character's name has to be Isaac, because that is how the trunk would always
10:52do it.
10:53I think I'm out.
10:54What?
10:55No.
10:56I thought this would be, like, funny weird, but now it's just kind of sad weird.
11:01Okay, bye.
11:02Sass, you can't leave.
11:04Three is not a clump.
11:06All right, Alberta, you're in.
11:08Ha, dream on, Isaac.
11:10I wish I could.
11:12I wish I could.
11:16Well, thank you for meeting with me, Councilman Hayward.
11:18Always happy to sit with a constituent.
11:20Unfortunately, we've seen your happy face, and that's not it.
11:23Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
11:25I'm volunteering at a soup kitchen this afternoon.
11:27Well, what can I do for you?
11:29Well, uh, sir, I'm a colleague of the soon-to-be former mayors, and I would like you to reconsider
11:36stripping him of his mayoral duties.
11:38We have seen him strip people before, so you're not the only one who can do wordplay.
11:42Look, it's a shame what happened with Tad, but he violated the trust and faith of this
11:47community, and unfortunately, my hands are tied.
11:50Not even going to touch that one.
11:51Too easy.
11:52Okay, I'm going to cut right to the chase.
11:53Tad is turning my dream restaurant into an upscale restaurant and making me invent jalapeno
11:59knockers, so I'm going to slide a DVD to you now that will make you reconsider.
12:07Aw, baby's first blackmail.
12:09What is this?
12:10Swingers?
12:10Well, it's not the Vince Vaughn love letter to the Los Feliz of the 90s.
12:14That is septuagenarian porn.
12:17It's an orgy filmed at the Farnsby's.
12:20Oh, no.
12:21That got his attention quicker than Miss Farnsby walking in with a riding crop.
12:26Look, I could get Tad as mayor's ship back, but that won't fix things.
12:30There's someone else who wants Tad taken down, and she'll stop at nothing.
12:35A mysterious femme fatale.
12:37The plot thickens.
12:38What are you talking about?
12:39I'm talking about the person who told me about Gate Gate in the first place.
12:43The whistleblower.
12:44She's desperate to end Tad's political career, and she's got more dirt where that came from.
12:49Well, who is she?
12:50I can't tell you that.
12:52And now that I have this, I don't have to.
12:55And you won't be able to prove a thing.
13:00Dude, I have copies.
13:02Oh.
13:03Can I have those?
13:05No.
13:06Okay.
13:08In that case, I'll tell you.
13:10The whistleblower is Tad's wife.
13:13The wife did it.
13:15Classic twist.
13:16But tell me more about this restaurant.
13:18Is there a back room, and do you're renting out to large groups?
13:25Yes.
13:26I was the one who turned Tad in for Gate Gate.
13:30You enjoying your food?
13:31It's delicious.
13:33Who are you talking to?
13:35Oh, I'm a ghost.
13:36I thought you knew.
13:37Worked at Pete's Barn back in 05, four restaurants ago.
13:40Didn't you see the check spike in her back?
13:42What's delicious?
13:43I was talking to you.
13:45The betrayal.
13:46The betrayal is delicious.
13:48Mmm.
13:49She is a big fan of betrayal, which, you know, keeps me on my toes.
13:53So, circling back, why did you sabotage your own husband's political career?
13:59I did it for our marriage.
14:01After our daughter went to college, it was supposed to be our time.
14:05We always said we'd sell the house, buy a boat, sail to the islands, but our time never came.
14:11Love, your outfit.
14:13You're clearly in a conversation.
14:15Have some ghost-to-living etiquette.
14:18After he sold the car dealership, then he ran for mayor.
14:21I saw even less of him then.
14:22So, you took him down, but then instead of spending more time with you, he just dove into a new
14:27project.
14:29Exactly.
14:30He's never going to stop working.
14:31It's a bit of a bummer, but you've got a feel for the broad.
14:34Oh.
14:36Ha.
14:37Melanie.
14:38Tad, what are you doing here?
14:40I'm picking up my mooshu pork.
14:43Jay recommended this place to me.
14:45Jay, you recommended this place to Tad and suggested it to Melanie for our secret meeting?
14:49Well, it's a great place, but they're not doing very well.
14:52I'm just trying to support them.
14:53Well, she's talking about a secret meeting.
14:55Oh, I'm tired of this.
14:59Tad?
15:00I'm the one who blew the whistle on Gategate.
15:03What?
15:04How could you?
15:06Because I miss you.
15:08It's actually kind of sweet if you think about it.
15:10Who cares?
15:11You ruined my political career.
15:15I can't believe you'd do this to me.
15:23So do we think that mooshu pork is up for grabs?
15:25Jay.
15:26Well, I don't want it to go to waste.
15:38Isaac!
15:39Shh, shh, shh.
15:39Back to sleep.
15:40Hey!
15:41Let's just listen.
15:42Isaac, you're back.
15:42Hey, everyone, Isaac's back.
15:44Oh, look who came crawling back, standing up.
15:49No, no, no, no, no.
15:50I am not back.
15:51I simply want to sleep with you.
15:53Listening?
15:54No, I mean, I've been having trouble sleeping upstairs, so I thought I would just come down
15:58here to get some shut-eye.
16:00Yeah, right.
16:01I know what this is.
16:02You miss us.
16:04Oh, yeah, right.
16:05What do I miss, hmm?
16:06Jerk's onion breath?
16:08Stewart's idiotic pontificating about wood, the warm, womb-like security of the clump?
16:12Okay, fine.
16:13I miss you, freaks.
16:15There, I said it.
16:16Isaac, just because you don't live down here anymore doesn't mean you can't come visit.
16:20Really?
16:20Absolutely.
16:21We have an open-door policy down in the pit, mostly because someone nailed the door shut
16:26to make sure we died in here.
16:27Yeah, you're always welcome.
16:30Oh, there's that onion breath I've missed so much.
16:33Oh, what do you say?
16:34One more overnight for old time's sake, hmm?
16:36Come on.
16:37Come on, Pop, buddy.
16:44So, I could be mayor again because Gus goes to senior sex parties?
16:50I know you're processing a lot, but yes, that is pretty much the gist of it.
16:54Are the parties just for seniors, or do young people just choose not to go?
16:58I don't know.
16:58With that marriage falling apart, maybe it's better to just turn the page, launch this restaurant.
17:03I mean, you nailed these jalapeno knockers.
17:07Idea.
17:08What if they were served in a bra basket that the customer had to unclasp?
17:13We were watching a once-in-a-generation talent.
17:16And the clasp is an onion ring.
17:18What a mind.
17:20Uh, Tad, there's someone here to see you.
17:23I came to apologize.
17:26It's true, I've been unhappy, but I never should have blown the whistle on Gate Gate.
17:31In my defense, I had just polished off a box of white sin.
17:35Should probably get along really well with that wine-a-lucine bowl.
17:40Honestly, I'm not mad at you.
17:42You are desperate, and it's true, I do love my work.
17:47But I also love you, so I'm not sure where that leaves us.
17:51Well, here's a cake-and-eat-it-too suggestion.
17:53He wants to work, she wants to spend more time together.
17:56What if they took a page out of the Sam and Jay playbook and worked together?
17:59What if there was a way that you could still be mayor, and also spend more time together?
18:04By being like me and Jay?
18:06What do you mean?
18:07Cash-strapped?
18:08Inept at business?
18:08Friendless?
18:09Maybe you could work together, at the mayor's office.
18:12Oh, I would love to work with Tad, but I don't know if I'm built for the world of politics.
18:17I don't know, that was pretty manipulative and underhanded, the way you derailed Tad's career.
18:21That's true.
18:22She could be your chief of staff.
18:24Oh, uh, I already have one.
18:26Not after you throw Jeremy under the bus for any residual Gate Gate fallout.
18:29My God, that came to her easily.
18:31I like it.
18:33We're gonna do great things together.
18:35We could even do some traveling, like you wanted, but on the city's dime.
18:40He heard he's getting his job back five seconds ago, and he's already knee-deep in new corruption.
18:43Oh, no.
18:45You probably won't have time to be the mayor and run a world-class breast-toronto, huh?
18:50That's true, but I don't want it happening without me.
18:53I'm gonna have to pull the plug on Mountains of the Valley.
18:56You can still put jalapeno knockers on the Mahesh menu, if you want.
19:00I will take that under serious consideration.
19:02Thank you, guys, for everything.
19:05We gotta go, but we'll write you from St. Kitts, where we'll be on a catamaran, working tirelessly for the
19:12people of Ulster County.
19:14And in the end, it all worked out.
19:16The girl got the guy, the guy got the job, and I got to smeddle something called Mooshu Three Ways.
19:22Which, ironically, was the name of the move Gus was doing on that tape.
19:29Well, it seems that Mayor Tad has somehow survived the gate-gate scandal and will not be stepping down anytime
19:35soon.
19:36Oh, good news for Tad.
19:37Bad news for jalapeno knockers.
19:39Yeah, sorry, Trevor.
19:40This is a setback for the upscale restaurant industry as a whole.
19:44But we have been through worse, and we will be back.
19:46And in a surprising twist, Tad's return to office was aided by a longtime political foe, Gus Hayward.
19:54I caught up with the city councilman earlier today.
19:56That's the thing about politics.
19:58You never know when people are going to come together.
20:01That language felt purposeful.
20:03I think you're probably reading into it.
20:04My point is you have to be flexible.
20:06Sometimes you just have to reach across the aisle and give someone a hand.
20:11Okay, well, there's no reading into that.
20:13Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.
20:15He did that same wink on the tape.
20:17Ugh, it haunts me.
20:18And now let's turn it over to brand new Channel 5 weatherwoman, Nikki Snow.
20:23A cold front is expected to move in over the next few days.
20:26Wait, is that the bartender from Mountains of the Valley?
20:29Yes.
20:29Glad she landed on her feet.
20:32Can't keep that kind of talent down.
20:36New next Thursday.
20:37I just got to the location.
20:39The ghost's favorite reality show is coming to Woodstown.
20:41Yes.
20:41I have to go see if a spray tan booth will fit in the pantry.
20:44I'm the behind-the-scenes tidbits.
20:46Ghosts is all new.
20:48CBS next Thursday.
20:49And streaming on Paramount+.
20:51A new Elsbeth at a special time.
20:54CBS next.
20:57CBS next.
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