- 2 days ago
A Haunted House 2 (2014) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:17:28Right now, she is tearing me off, my God.
00:17:32Oh.
00:17:34You ain't joking?
00:17:36Is that what you like?
00:17:36Huh?
00:17:37Huh?
00:17:37Stop being a bitch.
00:17:39Yeah.
00:17:40Huh?
00:17:40Oh.
00:17:41What?
00:17:43You like that?
00:17:44It's kind of like a blindfold.
00:17:45Except you can't fucking breathe.
00:17:47Huh?
00:17:48Are you crying?
00:17:49That thing just moved.
00:17:50Except you can't fucking breathe.
00:17:52Huh?
00:17:52That thing was watching.
00:17:55You little...
00:17:56Who was watching?
00:17:58Oh, baby, come here.
00:17:59Check this out.
00:18:01Oh, my God.
00:18:02Did you see it?
00:18:03How can I not?
00:18:04I thought I was stripping.
00:18:06I am so fat.
00:18:07Look at me.
00:18:08I look like a huge blubber ass.
00:18:10I'm like Miss Piggy in there.
00:18:12What are you talking about?
00:18:13You said you were gonna shoot my good side.
00:18:15I did shoot your good side.
00:18:16Look at all that ass up there.
00:18:17Look at all that ass, girl.
00:18:19You know I'm black brothers like an ass.
00:18:21You know I do mean nothing.
00:18:23It's a compliment, right?
00:18:25I see what's going on.
00:18:26You hate my vagina.
00:18:27You think it's too loose.
00:18:29It's not.
00:18:29It's only on the outside.
00:18:30But once you choose a wall, it's pretty damn tight.
00:18:32You know what, Malcolm?
00:18:33I have had two kids.
00:18:34I mean, did you think the stork just dropped them off on the doorstep?
00:18:37No.
00:18:38No.
00:18:38You're knocked out for nine months.
00:18:40And then your lady parts are stretched to limits you can not even fathom.
00:18:45Okay, baby.
00:18:46I think your vagina's cute.
00:18:47Erase the tape or we are never having sex again.
00:18:50Well, since you put it that way.
00:18:51Erase the tape.
00:18:52Okay, I'm erasing the tape.
00:18:54I want to see you do it.
00:18:54I'm erasing the tape.
00:18:56Erase it right now.
00:18:56I'm erasing it.
00:18:57Look, it's erasing.
00:18:58Do it.
00:18:58Baby, I like the way it sounds.
00:19:00Erase the tape.
00:19:00It's not loose.
00:19:01I like the way it sounds.
00:19:03Sound like a blown speaker.
00:19:05You know, it's kind of like Dougie Fresh's B-Box.
00:19:08When I'm hitting it, it's just...
00:19:16Hmm.
00:19:17Who the hell is hitting me?
00:19:19Abigail?
00:19:21You got a page?
00:19:23In a relationship with Malcolm Johnson?
00:19:26I only hit it once.
00:19:2727,000 views?
00:19:29What the hell?
00:19:32I think I might have fucked the wrong page.
00:19:35Now she's blowing up my cell phone?
00:19:37Look at that.
00:19:38Straight up stalker.
00:19:41She's crazy.
00:19:43Listen, it's time to turn my camera game up a level.
00:19:46I'm talking bathrooms, countertops, computers, stuffed animals, mouths and asses.
00:19:52It's going down everywhere I'mma live.
00:19:56Kitchen?
00:19:58Oh, yeah.
00:19:59I see you.
00:20:01Uh-huh.
00:20:01Perfect.
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:03And I got the ass, too.
00:20:05All inconspicuous.
00:20:08Told you.
00:20:10Cameras everywhere.
00:20:12Hey, Becky.
00:20:13Wanna play hide and clap?
00:20:14Fuck off!
00:20:16That's no thank you.
00:20:17Let's do this.
00:20:18Oh, lace blindfold.
00:20:20You got this out your momma's room, right?
00:20:21Oh, boy.
00:20:23Things me and your momma do it.
00:20:24Sometimes she can tie my hands and flip me over and toss that salad.
00:20:29Tony likes salad.
00:20:30Anyway, put this on.
00:20:32Let's do it.
00:20:34One, two, three.
00:20:37First clap.
00:20:38Come on.
00:20:40Come on.
00:20:40Give me a clap.
00:20:42Okay.
00:20:44Yeah.
00:20:45We're getting close.
00:20:46I smell you.
00:20:47I smell you.
00:20:48You smell like kids.
00:20:48Like worms, coins, and doo-doo.
00:20:51Like I...
00:20:51Whoa!
00:20:52Shit!
00:20:53Ah!
00:20:56Can we just play tag next time?
00:20:58I just wanna play tag.
00:20:59Wyatt.
00:21:01Wyatt.
00:21:02Where you at, you little shit?
00:21:11Third clap.
00:21:12Third clap.
00:21:16Third clap.
00:21:16Ha-ha!
00:21:17Ha-ha-ha!
00:21:19I got you, Wyatt.
00:21:24I win.
00:21:25You take your blindfold off.
00:21:26You're right, Tony.
00:21:27Malcolm is an idiot.
00:21:29Take your camera, loser.
00:21:31Yeah?
00:21:32I wanna learn how to start a fire.
00:21:36What the?
00:21:37What the hell was that?
00:21:40I could have sworn.
00:21:46Oh shit, I fucked you up, fuck you crazy, you know who the fuck I is, oh, no, bro, baby,
00:21:58oh my god, you can't be jumping out on brothers like that, you'll get knocked the fuck out every time,
00:22:02this is your joke, you okay, because I fucked you up, like I hit you with the force, like, with
00:22:09the follow through, oh I want to ask that rape
00:22:10play that shit, damn, you got froze, oh, please help me, god I hope this works, what is that thing,
00:22:33that is not human,
00:22:49that was weird
00:23:24Ah ha, I caught your ass, ah, oh shit
00:23:28What the fuck
00:23:30What the fuck
00:23:45What?
00:23:46I want you to touch me
00:23:51Oh, okay
00:24:00Not that box
00:24:08You know I love you and those kids, right?
00:24:10Yeah
00:24:10And I'm gonna do everything in my powers to keep you guys protected
00:24:12Yeah
00:24:17What was that?
00:24:18What?
00:24:20That
00:24:21That
00:24:21The wind?
00:24:24Nigga, the windows are closed, okay, I'm telling you, that was either ghost or demon, or maybe it was a
00:24:30demon pregnant with a ghost
00:24:33Oh, this is cute, I will still wear this, all day, every day
00:24:41What if it's a burglar?
00:24:42Why the fuck are you excited? It's a burglar, all the way it goes is some scary shit
00:24:46Okay, not all burglars are scary
00:24:49It is a burglar or a ghost
00:24:51You talk to him, he'll leave
00:24:51You shoot it in the face
00:24:53You talk to him, he'll leave
00:24:54Okay, and if the motherfucker's foot do this, you shoot him in the face again
00:24:56That is way too harsh
00:24:58What are you gonna do?
00:25:00I know I'm gonna do
00:25:00What are you gonna do?
00:25:02Shoot
00:25:02You are not allowed to shoot anyone in the face, mister
00:25:16Becky?
00:25:18What the-
00:25:19Becky!
00:25:20Oh, God!
00:25:21Becky!
00:25:22Becky!
00:25:24Becky!
00:25:25Oh my God!
00:25:26Give me something!
00:25:27Megan!
00:25:27Get-
00:25:28Becky!
00:25:29Becky!
00:25:30Becky!
00:25:30What the fuck?
00:25:30You what the fuck?
00:25:32Becky!
00:25:32What the fuck?
00:25:37That shit's gross.
00:25:38That fucking sound doesn't bother me.
00:25:39Stop, stop, stop!
00:25:40Give me!
00:25:41What?
00:25:42What?
00:25:43What?
00:25:44What?
00:25:44What?
00:25:45What?
00:25:47Oh!
00:25:48That's all I got.
00:25:49OK, give me!
00:25:50This!
00:25:51This!
00:25:52This!
00:25:53This!
00:25:53What?
00:25:54Get that thing out of here!
00:25:56What?
00:25:56I got an idea!
00:25:57Come on!
00:25:59Vic, why ain't you moving?
00:26:01Fuck!
00:26:02See, now this is a good idea.
00:26:05All right.
00:26:06Good night, Becky.
00:26:08Good night, sweetheart.
00:26:16Hey, buddy.
00:26:16What you doing?
00:26:17Having a tea party.
00:26:19Oh.
00:26:19You want to go outside and do something a little bit more masculine?
00:26:22Like play some football?
00:26:24No, not really.
00:26:28Hey, don't sit there.
00:26:29That's Tony's seat.
00:26:30Oh, sorry.
00:26:32My bad, Tony.
00:26:34Tony says no problem.
00:26:36Biatch.
00:26:37Want some tea?
00:26:39Uh, yeah.
00:26:40Sure.
00:26:42Um, you know what?
00:26:45About your little buddy Tony, um, I don't think he's such a good influence on you.
00:26:50You know what I mean?
00:26:54What the?
00:26:56That's straight vodka!
00:26:57Tony calls it tea.
00:27:00He drinks a lot of tea.
00:27:02I really think you guys need to stop this friendship.
00:27:05Tony doesn't think that's such a good idea.
00:27:07You know what?
00:27:08You tell Tony that I said you and him ain't gonna be friends no more.
00:27:12And that's-
00:27:13Hey!
00:27:15Ah!
00:27:16My second thought, you and Tony have a beautiful friendship.
00:27:19Okay, I'll be downstairs doing some less fucking shit.
00:27:23Ah!
00:27:24This isn't good.
00:27:25It's happening again.
00:27:28It's really fucking happening.
00:27:29Ah!
00:27:31What the fuck?
00:27:33Who the hell?
00:27:35Who is it?
00:27:41Ah!
00:27:45Hello?
00:27:48Some spooky knock.
00:27:52Oh, you better run.
00:27:54Knock on my knock, come out there and slap that shit!
00:27:56Ah!
00:27:56What the fuck?
00:27:59I got a knife!
00:28:02I'm sick of you.
00:28:13Miss me?
00:28:15Abigail.
00:28:20Oh, hell no.
00:28:22Look, we gotta talk.
00:28:23This is a mistake, okay?
00:28:25This shit gotta stop.
00:28:26It's gone too far.
00:28:27You see this?
00:28:28Miss me?
00:28:30Megan, are you fucking crazy?
00:28:32I take full responsibility, all right?
00:28:34This is my bad.
00:28:36I don't mean to sound cliche.
00:28:37It's not you, it's me.
00:28:39Don't play fucking innocent with me!
00:28:40You knew I had a girl!
00:28:42I'm just being selfish right now.
00:28:44I would love to have you and Megan.
00:28:46And to be honest with you, my stuffed animals,
00:28:48I'd like to bring them in the mix.
00:28:50I'm trying to make this work.
00:28:51You're just not making it easy.
00:28:54I swear to...
00:28:55Oh, fuck!
00:28:59You see what you made me do?
00:29:01Only you don't do this to me!
00:29:02Fucking crazy!
00:29:03Oh, you lucky my mama told me don't hit bitches.
00:29:08Fucking hit a bitch!
00:29:16I didn't touch you!
00:29:19I didn't touch you!
00:29:19You get out of my life, I'll get out of yours!
00:29:21I'm done!
00:29:24Oh, God!
00:29:26Ahhhhhhhh!
00:29:28Make no mistake, after this, it's over.
00:29:34You ready to go again?
00:29:35Oh, no.
00:29:41Yeah.
00:29:42Hello, Malcolm?
00:29:44Hey, hey, hey, Professor Weil, how you doing?
00:29:46I'm fine, and I'm glad you reached out.
00:29:47What exactly am I dealing with here?
00:29:49Well, the being you described to me is a demon.
00:29:53Fuck, I knew it.
00:29:54A rare and obscure one from Babylonian times named Agul.
00:29:59And he is a trickster.
00:30:01And chances are this is not your first encounter with this demon.
00:30:04Have you had paranormal experiences in your past?
00:30:07Actually, yeah, about a year ago.
00:30:09This is way worse than I had thought.
00:30:14Oh, shit!
00:30:15Oh, fuck!
00:30:18Hey, I thought somebody was shooting.
00:30:20Thai food!
00:30:21It's spicy going in, but it's twice as spicy going out!
00:30:24That's scientifically impossible!
00:30:26I smell you in here!
00:30:27What in the hell?
00:30:29Excuse me.
00:30:34I hire based on skill level.
00:30:37Are those titties?
00:30:38Ladies, remember, we're making meth, not baby aspirin.
00:30:41All the stories revolve around Agul's attempts to trick people into bringing him into our world.
00:30:48And it can come through the form of a possession, a spirit that only a child can see, or an
00:30:52ancient object that lures in the impressionable.
00:30:56So what you're saying is something is coming after me and my family?
00:30:59Malcolm, that's exactly what I'm saying.
00:31:00Damn it, Jessica!
00:31:01You've got your titty in the suit of veteran!
00:31:03Sorry, Malcolm.
00:31:03I wish you good luck.
00:31:04Gotta get my breaking bad on.
00:31:18Tonight you drown.
00:31:21Yes!
00:31:23Yes!
00:31:23Yes!
00:31:24Yes!
00:31:24Oh, my God.
00:31:28This was a sink!
00:31:30Sink!
00:31:31Sink!
00:31:33You ruined a perfectly good leather jacket!
00:31:36That's it.
00:31:37Now you drown!
00:31:39Down!
00:31:40Down!
00:31:42Down!
00:31:44Prepare to meet hell.
00:31:46Ow!
00:31:47Ow!
00:31:47God!
00:31:48That hurt!
00:31:48Ow!
00:31:51That's my pulse!
00:31:53Ow!
00:31:53This isn't over!
00:31:55Is a ghoul the same demon that possessed Keisha?
00:32:01When are the Republicans gonna slip and call Obama the n-word?
00:32:07When are they gonna stop making scary movies without the weigh-ins?
00:32:11They fucking suck!
00:32:21What the hell?
00:32:31They fucking suck!
00:32:40Hey.
00:32:43I'm gonna kill you!
00:32:44I'm gonna kill you!
00:32:45Hey, you is already dead.
00:32:46Hey!
00:32:51Hey!
00:32:51Hey!
00:32:52Hey!
00:32:57You messed with the wrong nigga today!
00:33:00Ah!
00:33:01Ah!
00:33:02Ah!
00:33:04Ah!
00:33:05Baby, cut it down!
00:33:06What are you doing?
00:33:07I'm coming all over this fucking creepy box with some weird fucking light on it.
00:33:12And I knew that it was death in the box.
00:33:15So I cast it.
00:33:16Baby, it was a gift.
00:33:17In Christmas?
00:33:19Baby, no.
00:33:21What?
00:33:21Quantum?
00:33:22What?
00:33:22You were so upset when Shiloh Jr. died that the kids in her thought we would get you.
00:33:29Oh!
00:33:30Ah!
00:33:32Come on.
00:33:32Come on.
00:33:32Come on.
00:33:33Oh, my God!
00:33:34Wyatt, go upstairs!
00:33:35Go to your room!
00:33:36I'm not coming.
00:33:39Oh, God.
00:33:39I think it's still breathing.
00:33:40You're so fucking crazy.
00:33:43It's still breathing.
00:33:44I gotta take him out of history.
00:33:46Oh, my God!
00:33:46No!
00:33:49No!
00:33:49No!
00:33:58No!
00:34:00Yoo-hoo!
00:34:02Alright, let's see what's in this box now.
00:34:08Oh, God!
00:34:10Woo!
00:34:11Wow!
00:34:12That is crazy.
00:34:12What the hell are you doing?
00:34:14Um, nothing. Just, uh, you know, your pillows have little faces on them.
00:34:18Stay away from my box.
00:34:19Hey, calm down. Would you calm down?
00:34:21I don't want to come down. I want you to stay away from my box.
00:34:23It's just a box. So, that...
00:34:25What is going on in here?
00:34:27Nothing. We just, uh, playing dolls and stuff.
00:34:31Malcolm came into my room and touched my box.
00:34:33Malcolm, is this true?
00:34:35Yes, but I only touched it for, like, two seconds.
00:34:37It was stinking. Like, it was rancid.
00:34:40Here, smell this. Woo! I don't know how she played with that.
00:34:43There's two fingers in my tight little box.
00:34:45Oh, stop lying.
00:34:47It is. Baby, there's nothing tight about her box.
00:34:50It's fucking huge. I could put my whole fist in it.
00:34:53Like, I almost was up to here for a second. It's crazy big.
00:34:56You said no means no.
00:34:58And that is exactly what I said. I said no.
00:35:00Oh, I did.
00:35:00Whoa, time to fuck out.
00:35:03Hold on.
00:35:05She's trying to date live special, nigga.
00:35:07Where's Chris Hansen? Chris? Chris?
00:35:08Chris, come on. I know you're out here somewhere.
00:35:11I know he's in there somewhere.
00:35:12You're trying to set a nigga up.
00:35:14Can I talk to you for a second?
00:35:15Uh, right now.
00:35:16There's something really strange going on in this house.
00:35:18Wyatt? Wyatt? See, Wyatt used to be my boy.
00:35:20Like, that was my little nigga.
00:35:22Like, we was like, boom, boom.
00:35:23When my dog died, that little nigga held me down.
00:35:26But lately, he hasn't even talked to me.
00:35:28Like, he won't even play with me.
00:35:29His little imaginary friend, Tony,
00:35:31I don't think he's really...
00:35:33You're crazy, Tony.
00:35:35Imagine that.
00:35:36Did you see that shit?
00:35:38Yeah, you missed it.
00:35:40Okay, look.
00:35:41Forget him.
00:35:43There's something in that old box she carries around
00:35:45that's making her look crazy.
00:35:46She sleeps with it.
00:35:47She eats with it.
00:35:48She even goes to the bathroom with it.
00:35:50Who takes her shit with a box in their hand?
00:35:52It's fucking weird.
00:35:53And by weird, you mean I'm a terrible mother.
00:35:57What? No.
00:35:58Wait, where the fuck did you go?
00:35:59Hold on, hold on.
00:36:00You know what?
00:36:00You were just a little bit less judgmental.
00:36:03She wouldn't feel like she needs to carry her paint around in a box.
00:36:05This is not about me.
00:36:07It is always about you, Malcolm.
00:36:09You're too fat.
00:36:10You're a terrible parent.
00:36:11You like black guys because they have bigger cocks.
00:36:13Oh, that sounds like you.
00:36:15Do you see this?
00:36:16That's not fucking normal.
00:36:18Okay, she is just trying to get attention.
00:36:21When she was a baby,
00:36:22she would cry and cry and cry all damn day in her crib
00:36:25until finally she realized
00:36:26I wasn't going to come and pick her up.
00:36:29If you were a parent,
00:36:29you'd know it's called the cry it out method, Malcolm.
00:36:32She just picked the little bitch up.
00:36:34What?
00:36:35She needs to learn herself too.
00:36:37See what I'm saying?
00:36:38That is called parenting.
00:36:40Wow.
00:36:41Mother of the year.
00:36:46That crazy dog came in my car.
00:36:48Woo!
00:36:49Bro, somebody fucked your car up.
00:36:51Yeah.
00:36:52You wouldn't know anybody with an auto body shop, would you?
00:36:53Are you serious, bro?
00:36:54What?
00:36:55Contrary to popular belief,
00:36:56all Mexicans don't have body shops, man.
00:36:57Well, you think we all have lowriders
00:36:59with a bunch of primer all over it
00:37:00with a freaking Mexican horn?
00:37:01Think I have like six kids
00:37:02and all my relatives living there, huh?
00:37:04Probably chase chihuahuas and make burritos.
00:37:05Is that what you think?
00:37:06Dude, I didn't think...
00:37:07Look at that neighborhood, man!
00:37:08I didn't think any of that.
00:37:09I just wanted my fucking car fix.
00:37:11I'm just fucking with you, bro.
00:37:13You're so easy, man.
00:37:15Oh, shit.
00:37:15Man, I got a cousin.
00:37:16His name is Chucho.
00:37:17He can hook all that shit up, all right?
00:37:18Stop fucking with the crazy bitches, man.
00:37:20I gotta go.
00:37:20I got the family waiting, all right?
00:37:21Be good, man.
00:37:22Where did she go?
00:37:26Take it easy, Malcolm!
00:37:27Where you going?
00:37:28Don't swap me.
00:37:29We're going to get some chihuahuas.
00:37:30Wow.
00:37:31Now that's racist.
00:37:34So I moved into the house
00:37:36to top the street.
00:37:37I can't hide just the outside.
00:37:38The streets will start quiet.
00:37:39It's just perfect for a haunted.
00:37:43You know something?
00:37:44I never got your name.
00:37:46Keisha?
00:37:47What in the fuck?
00:37:49You two know each other?
00:37:51Oh, well, yeah, you know,
00:37:53the boyfriend that I told you
00:37:55abandoned me and left me
00:37:56in a ditch to die?
00:37:58That's him.
00:38:01Awkward.
00:38:04I think I'll let you two
00:38:06have at it.
00:38:07And thank you so much,
00:38:08Megan, for the coffee.
00:38:09Yeah.
00:38:10Really.
00:38:10And Malcolm,
00:38:12it was great seeing you.
00:38:15See you around, Malcolm.
00:38:20Really?
00:38:22How come you never told me about her?
00:38:24Well, it was just a time in my life
00:38:26I just wanted to forget.
00:38:27Okay, well, you need to start remembering.
00:38:29She was fucking beautiful!
00:38:30I thought she was aight.
00:38:32Aight?
00:38:33I mean, she got nice legs.
00:38:35Legs?
00:38:36A little ass, but...
00:38:37Ass.
00:38:39How about all this?
00:38:40It's fuckable.
00:38:42Okay?
00:38:42But that's...
00:38:43Look, she was...
00:38:44All this...
00:38:44She's crazy.
00:38:45She was crazy, baby.
00:38:47Like, she was possessed.
00:38:48You mean she was possessive?
00:38:49No, the bitch was possessed.
00:38:51What?
00:38:51Yes.
00:38:53First of all,
00:38:53she was verbally abusive.
00:38:55Hey, baby, what's for dinner?
00:38:56Eat some of this pussy,
00:38:58you fucking fuck!
00:38:59Okay!
00:39:01I don't know,
00:39:02it was like she gave up.
00:39:03I mean, eventually,
00:39:04I was able to drag her
00:39:05to couples therapy.
00:39:06Well, Dr. Roush,
00:39:07me and my girlfriend
00:39:08were kind of going through
00:39:09a little rough patch.
00:39:10I mean,
00:39:11she won't communicate with me.
00:39:12No matter what I do,
00:39:13she just sits there.
00:39:16Okay,
00:39:17and she'll growl a little bit.
00:39:19Yes, I can hear that.
00:39:20And the smallest things
00:39:21just set her off,
00:39:22like crucifixions
00:39:23or questions.
00:39:24Is that right, Keisha?
00:39:29You got a prescription
00:39:31for crazy bitch?
00:39:31Oh, Malcolm.
00:39:33I'm so sorry.
00:39:34It sounds horrible.
00:39:36No?
00:39:37It wasn't all bad.
00:39:39Wait, I'm gonna come.
00:39:41No, no, no.
00:39:41Stop it!
00:39:41You're gonna make a bitch!
00:39:43Oh!
00:39:44Yes!
00:39:45I think he just knocked
00:39:46out a tooth.
00:39:48Whose ass is this, huh?
00:39:50Whose ass is this?
00:39:52The demons!
00:39:56See, now you just made it weird.
00:39:58I mean, look at the fuck at me,
00:40:00goddammit!
00:40:03Oh my god,
00:40:05that was awesome!
00:40:07Oh!
00:40:08Oh!
00:40:09Baby, you're making my toes do this.
00:40:12You're making my toes do this.
00:40:13Really, Malcolm?
00:40:15Well, you know what they say
00:40:16about the crazy ones.
00:40:18What?
00:40:20Too soon?
00:40:27There's something going on
00:40:28with this box.
00:40:29Let me get to the bottom of this.
00:40:32What the heck
00:40:33is this little purpert doing?
00:40:36Oh!
00:40:37Oh, dude!
00:40:38Oh, this is weird.
00:40:42Oh, really?
00:40:45Oh, wow.
00:40:47What kind of sweet tooth fairy is this?
00:40:50Oh, this nigga need a daddy.
00:40:52Dear diary,
00:40:53I lost my virginity to Joey today.
00:40:56Actually, that's not totally true.
00:40:58I mean, I've only had sex
00:41:00with 17 guys,
00:41:03but only in the butt
00:41:04so it doesn't count.
00:41:08I mean,
00:41:08I've sucked a lot of dicks, diary.
00:41:10I stopped counting after the blowjob party
00:41:12at Ashley's house.
00:41:13There must have been
00:41:1430 or 40 guys there.
00:41:15She ain't got no bone in her neck.
00:41:17She got that plastic man.
00:41:18P.S.
00:41:19Diary,
00:41:19I'll never stop sucking dicks.
00:41:22Ever.
00:41:22Wow.
00:41:26Oh, would you look at that?
00:41:27Mood ring.
00:41:28So what mood is that?
00:41:30It's called
00:41:30You're Not My Father.
00:41:31Oh, yeah.
00:41:32That's bitchy little white teenager.
00:41:33See, that'll get you slapped
00:41:34in most black neighborhoods.
00:41:40Are you okay?
00:41:44Becky?
00:41:45Hey.
00:41:46Ow!
00:41:47Oh, fuck!
00:41:48Oh, fuck!
00:41:52That is some serious meat mouth
00:41:54you got going on there.
00:41:55It's easier going down
00:41:57than it is coming up.
00:41:58Yeah, it's weird.
00:42:01Breath smell like sirloin.
00:42:04I hope that whole cold
00:42:05ain't contagious.
00:42:09Malcolm!
00:42:09Petser, it's kind of loud there.
00:42:12Did I catch you at a bad time?
00:42:15Indica,
00:42:16I was a Teva man.
00:42:17I got important shit to do.
00:42:19Come on!
00:42:20I'm at a party.
00:42:21I need some of my medicine.
00:42:27Professor,
00:42:28how do I get rid of the demon?
00:42:31Professor!
00:42:32Professor!
00:42:33Malcolm,
00:42:34that demon's trying to get to you
00:42:35through your family
00:42:35and he's not gonna stop.
00:42:37You've got the paranormal equivalent
00:42:38of the perfect storm,
00:42:40my friend.
00:42:41Oh, shit.
00:42:42The po-po.
00:42:42Professor, please!
00:42:43What's going on?
00:42:44Malcolm,
00:42:44I got 12 ounces of crystal meth
00:42:45jammed up my anus.
00:42:46I gotta get out of here.
00:42:47Free!
00:42:47Oh, fuck!
00:42:49Professor!
00:42:50Professor, please!
00:42:51Press up!
00:42:52Now!
00:42:53I can't.
00:42:54Professor!
00:42:55How do I get rid of your demon?
00:42:57Oh, shit!
00:42:58Oh, fuck!
00:43:00You're under arrest!
00:43:02You on the screen!
00:43:03Freeze!
00:43:08Hey, not you!
00:43:09Oh, no, not my favorite shirt!
00:43:12Bitch, what the?
00:43:15Oh, my God.
00:43:17Are you fucking kidding me?
00:43:19No, no, no, no, no, not my clothes!
00:43:21No, no, no!
00:43:22Woo!
00:43:23Ah!
00:43:24Ah!
00:43:25Ah!
00:43:26Oh, shit!
00:43:28This crazy wooden bitch!
00:43:30She's burning my clothes!
00:43:31Oh, my God!
00:43:33Oh, it's fatal attraction!
00:43:34She's gonna boil a rabbit!
00:43:36She's gonna boil a rabbit!
00:43:39Ah!
00:43:40Can I need something to drink?
00:43:41Sure, man!
00:43:42Tequila?
00:43:43Really, bro?
00:43:43What, you gonna bring the Mexican into your house and...
00:43:45Oh, he must want tequila!
00:43:46We should get him tequila!
00:43:47I'm glad he parked his burro, so now I can offer him some of his beverage!
00:43:51I bet you this shit has a worm in it, too, huh?
00:43:53Well, I should've walked in here with a sarapen, a sombrero for you, too, huh?
00:43:56That's what you wanted, really, wasn't it?
00:43:57No!
00:43:57That's what you gave me all worked up, man!
00:43:59I could use a drink now.
00:44:01What kind of tequila is it?
00:44:03Is it silver?
00:44:03Because I can't drink that gold shit.
00:44:05That's for cholos, man.
00:44:06Thank you, man.
00:44:07That's nice, man.
00:44:07We're becoming friends, right?
00:44:09Now we are.
00:44:11Yeah, I could trust you with things, right?
00:44:13I could keep a secret, man.
00:44:14I'm good at that shit.
00:44:16The neighbors next door to me don't even know there's a black guy living here yet.
00:44:18So, what do you want to talk about?
00:44:20Um, okay.
00:44:22You know the people that lived in this house before me?
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25Was there anything strange going on?
00:44:27Like, were they acting weird or anything?
00:44:29You saw something a little spooky or supernatural or...
00:44:35I seen some shit.
00:44:37Come on, man.
00:44:37You don't believe in that, do you?
00:44:39Because, I mean, if you did, you know, you'd have been like,
00:44:40nigga, I'm out.
00:44:41I'm gonna do this.
00:44:42You mean to tell me you don't believe in the paranormal?
00:44:45Of course I believe in that shit.
00:44:46I'm half Mexican, bro.
00:44:48Like, I believe in all that shit.
00:44:49People don't believe in it.
00:44:50Freak, La Llorona, El Cucuy, Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare, interracial dating, nuclear war,
00:44:58but you name it, I'm all for it.
00:45:00Me personally, I wouldn't stay one night in this house.
00:45:03Oh, shit.
00:45:04Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, bro.
00:45:06When I first found out that there was a black guy moving in the neighborhood, I was like,
00:45:11there goes the property value.
00:45:13I'm gonna have to keep the kids inside.
00:45:14There's gonna be gangs.
00:45:16I'm gonna have to cover up graffiti.
00:45:17But you turned out to be okay.
00:45:19You're really cool.
00:45:20You're very accommodating.
00:45:21Hey, I think I can help you.
00:45:23Really?
00:45:26I need you to cut the chicken's neck.
00:45:28Oh, hell fucking no.
00:45:29Hey, you want to get rid of the demon or not?
00:45:31I know, but can't we just go down to the store and just, like, buy a chicken?
00:45:34No, man.
00:45:35You need a blood sacrifice.
00:45:38All right.
00:45:38Come on.
00:45:39Let's do it.
00:45:40Hold on.
00:45:40Let me get my...
00:45:41Hold on.
00:45:41Wait, let me get my chicken together.
00:45:42What?
00:45:43You on shit in my baby's cereal chicken?
00:45:46Oh, you wanna piss on my mama?
00:45:49Oh, in her face?
00:45:50Oh, fuck, don't you...
00:45:57Where did you get this chicken?
00:45:58Your uncle's far?
00:45:59No, a cock by the bridge.
00:46:01He's a dead motherfucker.
00:46:06Oh, you chicken.
00:46:12What's up, chicken?
00:46:13That's a scam?
00:46:14What?
00:46:14What's up?
00:46:15You don't want nothing to me.
00:46:16Motherfucker.
00:46:17Oh, shit.
00:46:19Oh, shit.
00:46:20Hide him back.
00:46:21Hide him back!
00:46:28What happened there?
00:46:29I'll kill you.
00:46:32What can I do to your fucking baby?
00:46:38What you doing, man?
00:46:40What you doing?
00:46:44This boyu is loco.
00:46:46Oh, shit.
00:46:47Oh, shit.
00:46:47Oh, shit.
00:46:48Oh, shit.
00:46:48Oh, shit.
00:46:52You got him, Malcolm, that's right, yeah, you fucked that chicken, uh, uh, uh, uh, Malcolm?
00:47:05Oh, shit, that was like an intense-ass game of Angry Birds, man.
00:47:18Fuck, bro, you did it! I think this house is clean.
00:47:21Maybe not clean, but the demon's gone for sure.
00:47:24What the hell are we gonna do with all this chicken, Malcolm?
00:47:26Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.
00:47:29Mm-hmm.
00:47:33Cheers.
00:47:39What in the fuck?
00:47:44You! This ends now!
00:47:46You hear me, you googly-eyed wooden bitch!
00:47:49Come on!
00:47:51You're making me standin', and you fucking ass!
00:48:00Get in!
00:48:02Die, you stink, bitch!
00:48:05B-I-T-
00:48:07Fuckin' bitch!
00:48:11You want some new pictures?
00:48:16All right, prepare to meet your maker.
00:48:20That's right.
00:48:21I'm sendin' you back to Taiwan.
00:48:23Ah!
00:48:24Oh, you smell like pissin' shit!
00:48:26Come on, you make me sick!
00:48:28Shit!
00:48:29Fuckin' bitch!
00:48:32You know what Brown can do for me?
00:48:34Take this!
00:48:35You sign!
00:48:36The fuck's outta here!
00:48:38Ah!
00:48:40Oh, see?
00:48:41I tried to do it the easy way.
00:48:43Now you're gonna make me violent.
00:48:45Come on, you...
00:48:47Fuck over here!
00:48:48Shut up!
00:48:48Ah!
00:48:52How you like that, bitch?
00:48:54I want you to watch.
00:48:55Let's see you right in now!
00:48:56Ah!
00:48:57Ah!
00:48:57Ah!
00:48:58Miss me!
00:48:59This is fun.
00:49:01Oh, we're about to have a barbecue!
00:49:02Get in there.
00:49:04Yeah, hey!
00:49:05Hey!
00:49:05How you doin'?
00:49:06You gonna fucking burn today, baby!
00:49:12That's what fucking hell feels like!
00:49:14Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:49:18Ah!
00:49:19Ah!
00:49:19Ah!
00:49:21Ah!
00:49:23Ah!
00:49:24Oh, my God!
00:49:26Ah!
00:49:30Ah!
00:49:31Ah!
00:49:31Ah!
00:49:37Ah!
00:49:39Ah!
00:49:40You fucking...
00:49:41You're gonna fucking die!
00:49:42Ah!
00:49:43What you like!
00:49:45You...
00:49:45You spying shit!
00:49:47I don't wanna fucking cut your goddamn eye out, you bitch!
00:49:50Ah!
00:49:52Ah!
00:49:52Ah!
00:49:53Ah!
00:49:53Say fucking nothing.
00:49:55What did you do to our room?
00:49:56Honey, it's not what it looks like, okay?
00:49:58Really?
00:49:58It's not what it looks like.
00:49:59Really?
00:49:59Listen to me.
00:50:01She's crazy!
00:50:03It's not me.
00:50:03She's crazy!
00:50:04No, honey.
00:50:05Megan, it's not what it looks like.
00:50:07You know what?
00:50:08I'm not done with you, you fucking homewrecker!
00:50:11Come on!
00:50:11Come on!
00:50:14See?
00:50:14Nobody wanna listen to the black guy till everybody dead.
00:50:17Oh, I see how you looking at me.
00:50:18Let me tell you something.
00:50:19This house?
00:50:21This house is haunted.
00:50:22You know that little doll that you like so much?
00:50:24Abigail?
00:50:24Yeah, well, let me tell you something about Abigail.
00:50:26She's alive!
00:50:28That's right, she's alive!
00:50:30Not like alive alive, but alive as in, it's possessed.
00:50:34You know how I know?
00:50:34Cause it made me have sex with it.
00:50:37Repeatedly.
00:50:37Upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, in the yard.
00:50:41While you were sleeping next to us.
00:50:43Right there, we were sitting twice.
00:50:44And that's why, when you came upstairs and you called me,
00:50:47and I was killing the doll, because I was just like,
00:50:50you're fucking up my relationship.
00:50:51And that box, it's cursed.
00:50:54That box and that box.
00:50:57That's haunted with a demon.
00:50:58That box cursed with dudes.
00:50:59But that's a whole nother story.
00:51:00And your son?
00:51:01His little imaginary friend?
00:51:02That teaches him curse words and gets him crunk off vodka?
00:51:06Yeah.
00:51:06Yeah.
00:51:07I'm blowing your spot, little man.
00:51:08Well, he's not so imaginary.
00:51:10He's cray.
00:51:11No, no, no, no.
00:51:12You cray.
00:51:13You cray cray.
00:51:14You and a whole lot of other ethnic words that's going out of style.
00:51:17You ain't fucking fresh.
00:51:18Or dope.
00:51:19So how about that?
00:51:20Cray cray?
00:51:20Mom?
00:51:21He's scaring me.
00:51:24Is that the nigga whose room exploded?
00:51:26I'm scaring you.
00:51:27Oh, OP, you something else.
00:51:30Okay, you know what?
00:51:31That's it.
00:51:31I've had enough of this whole haunted house craziness.
00:51:34It's bad enough that you think it's real, but now you're scaring the kids.
00:51:39I'm scaring the kids?
00:51:40Yes.
00:51:40Oh, ain't that the pop calling the kettle a nigga?
00:51:44No, no, no, baby.
00:51:45Your kids are scaring me.
00:51:48Okay?
00:51:49Look at this one.
00:51:49See Marilyn Manson in the skin and Charlie Manson in the eyes.
00:51:53Her eyes look crazy, okay?
00:51:54That's a crazy woman carrying around a box like fucking Lionel from the Peanuts and he's hanging out with dead
00:51:59niggas and I'm crazy?
00:52:01Oh, so what am I supposed to do with all this?
00:52:03Maybe you weren't ready.
00:52:04Maybe we moved in too soon.
00:52:06Maybe you're not ready for a family.
00:52:08But we come as a package deal, okay?
00:52:10This ain't about you or them, okay?
00:52:12You bump...
00:52:13Oh, shit.
00:52:14No!
00:52:14Hey!
00:52:14Don't touch that shit!
00:52:15Don't you...
00:52:16Don't touch it!
00:52:17Don't touch this a demon ring.
00:52:19Don't you answer that.
00:52:20You hear it?
00:52:21That's the devil calling right there.
00:52:22That is an evil ring.
00:52:24You hear that?
00:52:24It's an evil...
00:52:25Yeah, I said it.
00:52:26It's a demon ring.
00:52:27And you can instant-tweet that on your grandma vine.
00:52:30No!
00:52:32Stop!
00:52:33RINGLE!
00:52:36Stop ringing!
00:52:38Stop ringing!
00:52:39Stop!
00:52:40Ah!
00:52:43Ah!
00:52:44Ah!
00:52:44Ah!
00:52:44Oh!
00:52:45That's a demon call!
00:52:46Uh, Malcolm?
00:52:47Your pocket.
00:52:52Oh.
00:52:53We gotta change my ringer.
00:52:55Why do we even have home phones anymore?
00:52:58I mean, yeah?
00:53:03Let's see.
00:53:04What the hell?
00:53:05Hey.
00:53:06How you doing?
00:53:06I'm so good.
00:53:07Come on.
00:53:08I wanted to.
00:53:08Hey, huh?
00:53:09We got a call about a domestic dispute.
00:53:12Are you Malcolm Johnson?
00:53:13Yeah, that's me, but there's no dispute.
00:53:15I mean, I couldn't phone, but I'll...
00:53:17You're under arrest.
00:53:18Wait, hold.
00:53:18Hey, hey, for what?
00:53:20Just raise my voice a little bit.
00:53:22Oh, my God.
00:53:22I'm down.
00:53:23It's broken.
00:53:23I know what this is.
00:53:24Did you call?
00:53:24It's the dog.
00:53:25It's the dog.
00:53:26It was the dog, brother.
00:53:27It was this dog.
00:53:29I was fucking this dog.
00:53:30He's on PCP.
00:53:31No, no.
00:53:31I'm on PCP.
00:53:32You fucking bitch.
00:53:34You fucking bitch.
00:53:35You fucking bitch.
00:53:36Maybe this is for the best.
00:53:38Daddy, come on.
00:53:39Come on.
00:54:20I can't escape my wrath.
00:54:22For I am deaf.
00:54:27Now, you burn.
00:54:29Fire.
00:55:04When is...
00:55:09Malcolm?
00:55:17Malcolm?
00:55:21Damn, son. You look fucked up.
00:55:24Don't look at me.
00:55:26Hey, Mom! Your man's in here puking like a little bitch.
00:55:30See that shit, Tony?
00:55:36Sometimes the victim may be tormented by more than one demon.
00:55:40These cases lead to transference.
00:55:42Trans-who? What the fuck is that, Don?
00:55:44Father Williams, mind your tongue. You are a man of the cloth.
00:55:47Damn, man. It ain't like I'm raping motherfuckers no more.
00:55:50You know what I'm saying?
00:55:52Keep on with your little lesson, bro.
00:55:54Victims have also been known to break their own bones during the possession.
00:55:58True. That happened to me.
00:56:00I was first in prison. I was trying to get myself head, right?
00:56:03Because I ain't know nobody.
00:56:04And then, you know, if I would have knew somebody, I wouldn't have had to do it to myself.
00:56:07And it wasn't no gay shit. First get that out your head.
00:56:09That's enough. I've had enough of your insolence.
00:56:11My what? My insolence?
00:56:14Dog, you gonna bring up my condition right now?
00:56:17You gonna bring up my diabetes, dog? Talkin' about my insolence.
00:56:21Cause I like cake?
00:56:23Yeah, I like cake, guys. I like cake. Birthday cake. All kinds of cake.
00:56:27I'm talkin' about cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Like we out.
00:56:30Man, you know what? I'm sick of your shit.
00:56:32Get out of here. Everybody break out. Get your boy with you.
00:56:37Yeah. I mean, really, man.
00:56:42My uncle?
00:56:44Hey! Father, what the hell?
00:56:45What did I tell you about calling me that?
00:56:47I'm sorry. Hey, dog! Calm down, man.
00:56:51I'm sorry you caught that, man. I'm so stressed out, man.
00:56:54I had to shank a motherfucker. You saw that, right?
00:56:57I ain't seen nothing.
00:56:58That's a good answer.
00:56:59That's a good answer.
00:57:01You saw it.
00:57:01Cause I was gonna say, if you were to say yes, I'm gonna have to say yes.
00:57:04Oh, shit!
00:57:05Hey!
00:57:06I'm sorry. I don't have it. No, that's the only one I had.
00:57:08Oh.
00:57:08I usually had two shanks, but I don't keep that anymore.
00:57:10I stopped doing two shanks.
00:57:12Cause it just was a thing, and everybody was like, two shanks.
00:57:15Yeah, so, how you doin'?
00:57:17I, um, I need your help.
00:57:21It's happening, Doug. I, I...
00:57:23Hell no!
00:57:24You know I'm not comin' over there and fuckin' with you
00:57:27and your creepy little bitch again.
00:57:28I ain't even with that bitch no more.
00:57:29I'm begging you, man. I just need your help.
00:57:31I just don't know who else to go to.
00:57:33Let me just explain to you why I became a priest.
00:57:35The obvious one is for the little boys.
00:57:37Yes.
00:57:38What are you talkin' about?
00:57:40It's a joke, Malcolm.
00:57:42Oh, God.
00:57:43Nah, it was a joke. I did that, you know, for the other priests.
00:57:46Right.
00:57:46We laughed, that's all.
00:57:48But, uh, I don't know if I can help you with your demon situation
00:57:51because I haven't been staying steady on my demon fighting skills,
00:57:56is what I'm trying to tell you.
00:57:57So, Malcolm, day after day, when you know you can't win,
00:58:04you're just prolonging the inevitable.
00:58:07You're a fool.
00:58:07All you gotta do is let them in.
00:58:10Yeah.
00:58:11Are you talkin' about the devil?
00:58:12Worse.
00:58:13The Kardashian.
00:58:15Huh?
00:58:16Yeah, did you see him?
00:58:17It's the crazy mama.
00:58:19It's Kim, Chloe, Kourtney, Kourtney, the two little ones.
00:58:21Yeah.
00:58:21They gonna be freaks.
00:58:22They got Lamar, they got Scott, Rob Fattener,
00:58:26and Bruce.
00:58:26Oh, Bruce.
00:58:28What the fuck is wrong with Bruce in the face?
00:58:30He look like a monster.
00:58:31He literally scares me at night, and he only daytime.
00:58:35He don't look like the nigga that was on the Weedie Box.
00:58:37And Kanye!
00:58:38And Kanye!
00:58:39And Kanye!
00:58:39Ain't you here at the house?
00:58:40I love it, and I hate it.
00:58:41It's your Kanye.
00:58:43Make change, don't you?
00:58:44Doug, get off.
00:58:45Doug.
00:58:46You have to let go of me, Doug.
00:58:48You can't.
00:58:49Doug, Doug, you gotta let go of me.
00:58:51There's no place you can hide.
00:58:53He has a plan for you.
00:58:54Doug, get off of me.
00:58:55They will get you.
00:58:56Doug, get your hands off of me.
00:58:58What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:59:02Oh!
00:59:05You the one that got us out here in the hot?
00:59:08In the hot heat.
00:59:09Making me bang all on the windows with my good church hat.
00:59:11How you after being home, watching that new Madea movie,
00:59:14what's the name of that Madea movie with the little girl
00:59:16from the French Prince, you know, you know the one?
00:59:18She playing the head of Nassau.
00:59:19the aliens, the aliens.
00:59:20Madea goes to Mars.
00:59:21Boom!
00:59:21Madea goes to Mars That aspect, there wait...
00:59:24Hold up!
00:59:25Ain't you that brother that just moved into Old Burton Place?
00:59:29Yeah, and it's...
00:59:30With a white woman!
00:59:32Well, she's not all the way white.
00:59:33She's a white woman down near clear!
00:59:36Come on now, it's 2013.
00:59:39Interracial relationships is not a big deal.
00:59:41What?
00:59:41You need to tell that to the lonely sisters.
00:59:44Hey, look at this one right here, right here.
00:59:46Honey, show them how you drop it like it's hot.
00:59:48Woo!
00:59:48Hold up, Bertha.
00:59:49Hold up, hold up.
00:59:50We ain't got no defibrillator.
00:59:52Oh, look at what it is with the white girl.
00:59:53They do that with, uh, the conga lingus, the finga linga linga.
00:59:56What is it?
00:59:57The fellatio?
00:59:59That's what it is.
01:00:00They go deep.
01:00:00You know they ain't got no insides.
01:00:02Uh, I think that's my cue to go.
01:00:03Excuse me, sister.
01:00:05Have a good sermon.
01:00:06Where are you going?
01:00:07Love is love!
01:00:08Love is love!
01:00:09You're so bitter!
01:00:10You're angry!
01:00:11Brothers be trippin'.
01:00:12Yeah, it is.
01:00:13That's why I got me a white man at home.
01:00:15Yeah, girl.
01:00:15Vanilla, my flavor.
01:00:20Hello, Malcolm.
01:00:21Oh, Professor Wilde.
01:00:22Thank God.
01:00:22I've been trying to reach you.
01:00:24I'm sorry, Malcolm.
01:00:25I've been a bit tied up.
01:00:26I haven't been able to find any more on Agul, though my resources are a bit limited.
01:00:31Uh, Professor?
01:00:32Where the hell are you?
01:00:34Oh, doing a stretch of five to ten.
01:00:36Apparently the authorities frown on selling meth to college students.
01:00:41Yeah, apparently.
01:00:42You need to hang up that computer call.
01:00:44Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth.
01:00:47I'm feeling romantical.
01:00:51Well, Malcolm, I suppose I should get going.
01:00:53But I will be emailing you.
01:00:54The contacts of associates will be able to help.
01:00:56I don't mean to be pushy, but any way you can do that before you get raped?
01:00:59What part of Mandingo Party do you not understand?
01:01:03It's time to pile on the white wrap.
01:01:06You know, dirty the snow.
01:01:09Oh, I'm screwed.
01:01:13Lights, please.
01:01:17So after several exhausting days of the exorcism, I threw some holy water on her, read an incantation,
01:01:24and the, uh, demon left the woman's body.
01:01:28I suppose I just sat back and watched.
01:01:31I mean, I'm just the medium who puts her life in danger every time she reaches out to demonic forces,
01:01:37but you've got a Bible and a bottle of holy water, so you make the world a safer place.
01:01:42The fact is, people, is that God is real, the devil is real, and monsters exist.
01:01:47Well...
01:01:48They're vicious, terrifying entities.
01:01:51But the good news is Santa Claus doesn't exist.
01:01:54You don't have to freak out some creepy old guy coming out of the chimney, right?
01:01:57Okay.
01:01:57Got your nose!
01:01:58So what exactly are you guys?
01:01:59And who the fuck hired you?
01:02:01You can call us Ned and Noreen.
01:02:03See?
01:02:04This is why you don't hire from Craigslist.
01:02:06Asshole.
01:02:10I don't understand why you always have to take the credit.
01:02:13I mean, even your name comes first on our book cover, and I am the one with the gift!
01:02:17It's not my fault that Ned comes before Noreen in alphabetical order.
01:02:20Is that why Ned comes before Noreen in the bedroom?
01:02:23Oh, my God.
01:02:23Just once, I'd like you to do that thing with your thumb and your forefinger.
01:02:26I think they call it the shocker.
01:02:27Yeah, well, I would like you to do that thing with my bubbles and the shocker.
01:02:31Hi!
01:02:32Hi.
01:02:32Can we help you?
01:02:34Yes.
01:02:35There's something horrible happening in my house.
01:02:36My family doesn't realize what's going on, but I do.
01:02:39No, I'm sure that there's a rational explanation.
01:02:41Please!
01:02:42They're white!
01:02:43Oh, my God!
01:02:44Why didn't you say that?
01:02:45Yeah, you should leave with that.
01:02:46Wow!
01:02:46I mean, if you're black, we just assume that your hauntings are bill collectors or racist
01:02:51police officers, but 99% of all hauntings happen to white people.
01:02:56That's a fact.
01:02:57What he needs to say is, of course we'll help.
01:03:00Thank you so much.
01:03:01So we're here to help you people, and before you get worked up, I mean you people as a couple.
01:03:05It wasn't racist until you explained it.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:08The bad news is, you have a demon in your house.
01:03:11There we go again.
01:03:12Okay, wait.
01:03:13So the house really is haunted?
01:03:16Megan, it's not the house that's haunted.
01:03:19Ah!
01:03:19I knew it!
01:03:20I knew it!
01:03:21It's always the little white girl.
01:03:22Think about it.
01:03:23The exorcism, the last exorcism, the exorcism of Emily Rose, all white girls.
01:03:27Cause there ain't no black parents gonna have a little white girl talking like that.
01:03:29Bitch, who are you cursing that?
01:03:31And turn the fucking air down in here.
01:03:33Malcolm, Malcolm, just listen for a second.
01:03:35Yes.
01:03:35When we first met you, there was something attached to you.
01:03:39Oh, that was a hemline.
01:03:41It's good now.
01:03:42This dark entity has attached itself to him, and now it's feeding off of all of you.
01:03:47So what you're saying is that this is all Malcolm's fault?
01:03:50That's right.
01:03:50Your family could have left here at any time, but now you're stuck.
01:03:54Like a piece of toilet paper stuck on your shoe when you leave the bathroom.
01:03:58Your wife knew the whole time, but she didn't tell you because she wanted you to walk around and look
01:04:02like an idiot.
01:04:03Oh, get over it.
01:04:04I'm not the one who had an affair with some low rent palm reader from Akron.
01:04:09And you never would have known if you weren't a psychic.
01:04:10But I am psychic, Ned.
01:04:14Oh, shit.
01:04:15What was that for?
01:04:16You should be thinking about doing to Megan in two seconds.
01:04:18One, two, see.
01:04:23Uh, guys, we came on short notice.
01:04:25We may need an extra pair of hands.
01:04:28Anyone you trust to help?
01:04:29I know a guy.
01:04:30He's Mexican.
01:04:34Megan, let's go to your contacts.
01:04:39Hey, nice camera.
01:04:40Right?
01:04:40I'll take it your third cousin owns electronic shops.
01:04:43Uh, something like that.
01:04:44He sells them out of the back of his truck.
01:04:45It's a mobile operation.
01:04:46Let me know if you want me.
01:04:48Hey, Ned.
01:04:49Something weird.
01:04:50All these clocks stop at 3.27 when the hauntings happen.
01:04:53Normally it's 3.07.
01:04:55No, we're on CP time.
01:04:58The demon will manifest itself in many ways.
01:05:01To your son, it's his imaginary friend.
01:05:03To your daughter, it's the voice inside the box.
01:05:05For Malcolm, it's that sexy little doll Abigail.
01:05:07See?
01:05:08It's a manifestation.
01:05:09You think I bang a doll for no reason?
01:05:11Malcolm, shut up.
01:05:12What we're about to do is the first step
01:05:14in banishing the demon to the netherworld.
01:05:17Uh, what is that?
01:05:18This helps me communicate with the demon.
01:05:22Organic, hydroponically grown OG Kush.
01:05:24Very strong.
01:05:27This is a good ship.
01:05:30Oh, past the mass, shit.
01:05:33We grow it ourselves.
01:05:35I want to go.
01:05:37That's that shit right there.
01:05:39Let me get it over here.
01:05:40I'm going to the further.
01:05:42Tony.
01:05:44Tony, where are you?
01:05:48It smells like that OG Kush.
01:05:58Oh!
01:06:02What?
01:06:03What?
01:06:05What?
01:06:06Come on!
01:06:07Get upset!
01:06:07What?
01:06:08Come on!
01:06:08Fuck you, you bitch!
01:06:11Why are you trying my baby to a chair?
01:06:13Because the bitch got a demon in her.
01:06:15Make it stop!
01:06:17This is some scary Kukui shit right here, man.
01:06:20I don't know what Kukui is.
01:06:21Kukui is a ghetto Mexican boogeyman.
01:06:23Oh, like George Lopez.
01:06:25I know, huh?
01:06:26I agree.
01:06:27It is scary as fuck.
01:06:29The spirit is more powerful than I thought.
01:06:31We're going to need to get a priest to perform a real exorcism.
01:06:34I know a guy.
01:06:36He's a little unconventional.
01:06:39I don't know, right?
01:06:41I know.
01:06:42That bitch don't look right.
01:06:43Why you got to call that bitch?
01:06:45You're disrespecting the little hoe.
01:06:46Nigga, did you just sell me out?
01:06:48There's certain words that trigger white folks.
01:06:50I mean, bitch, hoe, slut.
01:06:53No offense.
01:06:53You can't say those words.
01:06:54That's like our name.
01:06:56Hey!
01:06:57Hey!
01:06:57We would never say that.
01:07:01Oh, we wouldn't hide closed doors.
01:07:03I mean, I wouldn't say it at a bus or a Waffle House at the Atlanta airport.
01:07:07They're in the parking lot of a KFC.
01:07:09But, yeah, I would say it.
01:07:10Hey!
01:07:11I got your back.
01:07:12This is a lovely scarf you're wearing.
01:07:14This is a sash, you know what I'm saying?
01:07:16Yeah, I'm selling these.
01:07:17This is part of my new clothing line.
01:07:18Jesus pieces.
01:07:19And I got, like, the shoes that the Pope be wearing.
01:07:21I love her, suede, the green-brown.
01:07:24And the Pope, I can't kiss them shit.
01:07:27You know they just love me.
01:07:28Okay, you know what?
01:07:29That's enough.
01:07:30Thank you so much.
01:07:31That's right.
01:07:31Can we help my daughter, please?
01:07:34Man, she was a really white girl on me.
01:07:36Oh, my God.
01:07:37I was like, whoa.
01:07:38Speaking of white.
01:07:39Hey, man, are you doing cocaine again?
01:07:41Cocaine?
01:07:42No, man.
01:07:42It's that Molly.
01:07:43Oh!
01:07:45Oh, man.
01:07:47Oh, that's good.
01:07:50Take a little pinch for later.
01:07:51He's just bringing it.
01:07:52You're violin.
01:07:53Ron and Molly.
01:07:54Grab it out.
01:07:54I'm sorry.
01:07:55I told you he was on that bitch.
01:07:58All right.
01:07:59Hey, Jill.
01:08:00Come on down, man.
01:08:02Dog, dog, dog.
01:08:03Y'all are some crazy-ass motherfucking men.
01:08:05Y'all thought I was gonna shoot this bitch?
01:08:07I'm just gonna pistol whip her until she weakened.
01:08:09You're not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:11You're not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:13You're not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:14You're a man of the genius.
01:08:18In the name of the Father and the Holy Ghost of God,
01:08:22I need three other white people.
01:08:24Hey, man.
01:08:24Hey, man.
01:08:25Hey, man.
01:08:25Hey, man.
01:08:26Paul and Dee.
01:08:30Father, what am I?
01:08:31It's Doug!
01:08:31I can't find this black ass in this dark.
01:08:33Where the hell is he?
01:08:34Look for eyes.
01:08:35Like a forest creature in a cartoon.
01:08:37Father, it's Doug!
01:08:39He's over here!
01:08:39He's over here!
01:08:40He's over here!
01:08:41Doug?
01:08:41No.
01:08:42Don't.
01:08:42Don't.
01:08:43Don't.
01:08:44Father, please don't.
01:08:46Wait.
01:08:46It's better if he points the gun at himself and not at us.
01:08:48Just talk to him now.
01:08:49Listen to my voice.
01:08:50Okay, Doug?
01:08:51Listen.
01:08:51Listen to my voice.
01:08:52This is not what niggas do.
01:08:54We don't do suicide.
01:08:55Murder?
01:08:56Yes.
01:08:57Suicide?
01:08:57That's what they do.
01:08:59Yeah.
01:08:59We do that.
01:09:00I've tried at least 20 times.
01:09:03Motherfuckers got me acting all crazy.
01:09:05Acting a fool.
01:09:06Don't damn well I would pee on my own cap.
01:09:08God.
01:09:09I can't stop it.
01:09:11I can't stop it.
01:09:12There's something in my head that tells me to blow off my head.
01:09:15Is it this head?
01:09:16Is it this head?
01:09:17Is it this head?
01:09:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:20Demon break.
01:09:21Who wants a mojito?
01:09:23Oh, the black guy's still got a gun.
01:09:25Oh, God.
01:09:26This demon is a son of a bitch, man.
01:09:28Father, why have you abandoned me?
01:09:31Is it because I curse a lot?
01:09:33Even doing prayer?
01:09:34Amen motherfucker sounds dope.
01:09:37It's because I don't, I don't, I don't get Ryan Seacrest.
01:09:41I don't get them.
01:09:42I know what it is.
01:09:43Cause I dressed up as a foreclosure sign when people was getting kicked out of their house
01:09:47on Halloween and I just stood in their yard.
01:09:50I know what's wrong, but it was funny to me.
01:09:52Out of all of the people on the Brady Bunch, it was Alice that I wanted to fuck.
01:09:57It's the station wagon on top of Mr. Brady architect desk.
01:10:01Just used different protractors and rulers.
01:10:03It's because I actually kind of thought that it was okay that Chris Brown hit Rihanna.
01:10:09I know that bitch hit him first, man.
01:10:10She talked too much shit.
01:10:12She an island girl.
01:10:13What you doing to Chris?
01:10:14Why you going to who this bitch know about Chris?
01:10:16Pat, shut the fuck up, bitch.
01:10:17Somebody help me.
01:10:18Duck.
01:10:19Fight it, duck.
01:10:20Oh no.
01:10:21Nigga, that's a big ass gun.
01:10:22That's gonna hurt, nigga.
01:10:24Malcolm, he has a message for you.
01:10:27He says,
01:10:29Hi, bitch.
01:10:36We're gonna need another priest.
01:10:38It's too late.
01:10:39I have to perform the exorcism.
01:10:41It's true.
01:10:41Although Ned's only formal training was at Ghostbusters summer camp back in 1988.
01:10:46Never cross the streams.
01:10:47And he is dumb.
01:10:48I mean dumb, dumb, dumb.
01:10:51The point is, you can do this.
01:10:54Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?
01:10:56Yes.
01:10:56I have whiskey dick and I'll make it up to you in the morning.
01:10:58No!
01:10:58You said God brought us together for a reason.
01:11:02That doesn't sound like me.
01:11:03Must have been really drunk.
01:11:04Yes!
01:11:05Just fucking do it, dummy!
01:11:06Okay.
01:11:07Come on!
01:11:08Come on, let's go!
01:11:09Come on, let's go!
01:11:11Take the DMV, though!
01:11:13Please, please, doctor!
01:11:14Proceed to doctor!
01:11:16Proceed to doctor!
01:11:17Proceed to doctor!
01:11:19Proceed to doctor!
01:11:19Do ya!
01:11:20Becky's!
01:11:20Did it work?
01:11:21She's healthy.
01:11:22I'm sorry for everything.
01:11:24I think you did it.
01:11:27We got full inversion.
01:11:31We got full inversion?
01:11:34We got full inversion.
01:11:36We got full inversion.
01:11:54Whoo! Now that's what you call a bludgeon.
01:11:57A leaf blower? Don't judge me.
01:11:59Malcolm!
01:11:59Damon, you leave our daughter alone!
01:12:04That's not your daughter anymore.
01:12:06Yeah, I didn't look like a daughter, daughter. I was just saying that...
01:12:09Seriously? Malcolm, help her!
01:12:12Okay, goddammit.
01:12:13Go get him, buddy.
01:12:15What? Are you okay?
01:12:17Yeah, but Becky, she looks pretty fucked up.
01:12:22Damon, I'll make you a deal.
01:12:23How about you leave, and we'll pretend you let me set back.
01:12:27The bitch is mine!
01:12:28Well, you heard the man. The bitch is his. I tried.
01:12:31Seriously?
01:12:31She said bitch is his. That's pretty emphatic.
01:12:33Malcolm, please help me. I'm so sorry.
01:12:37Oh, goodness.
01:12:38Becky will run.
01:12:39I need her!
01:12:42Okay, which one is it? Go right in hell, or do you want me to help you?
01:12:45Malcolm, help her!
01:12:46The bitch is confusing me. Okay.
01:12:47Damon, you leave her alone!
01:12:50You take me instead!
01:12:52Get it out!
01:12:54Wait, no, no, no. Here, here. Take care of it! Take care of it!
01:12:56No, no, no, no!
01:12:56No, no, no, no!
01:12:57Take care of it!
01:12:58No, no, no, no, no, no!
01:13:01I haven't heard a demon scream for a while. I think it's safe to go back up there.
01:13:04I still have a bad feeling.
01:13:05For god's sake, come on, guys.
01:13:07Come on!
01:13:08All right.
01:13:11Oh, my God!
01:13:12Quiet!
01:13:13Get upstairs right now!
01:13:15They're cuddling!
01:13:16The demon's gone!
01:13:17I did it!
01:13:18This house is clean!
01:13:20Dude, look at his eyes.
01:13:21They're rolling into the back of his head.
01:13:23I think he's possessed.
01:13:24That's the face that he makes when he has an orgasm.
01:13:27I think he's okay, you guys.
01:13:28This is not over, everyone.
01:13:30Are you guys watching this?
01:13:31Yes, we're watching it, dummy.
01:13:33I'm so intrigued by this.
01:13:36Oh, man!
01:13:37He's all twisted up like a chocolate pretzel.
01:13:40This is flexibility and a dexterity.
01:13:43Oh, my God.
01:13:44This is making me queasy.
01:13:45It's like he can suck his own dick.
01:13:47No, no, no, no, no, no, he's on it!
01:13:49If I could do that, I don't think I'd ever talk to you again.
01:13:52Stop it.
01:13:52You are totally demons.
01:13:54Ow!
01:13:55That is greasy shit.
01:13:57Probably Murray's.
01:13:59Lord Christ, you're telling me!
01:14:02You're burning like bum piss.
01:14:04That means it's working.
01:14:05Here, fuck it.
01:14:05It's one whole thing.
01:14:06Like, I just won the Super Bowl.
01:14:07Like, go!
01:14:08Oh, my God.
01:14:13It's not all you got, bitch!
01:14:17Oh!
01:14:18Oh!
01:14:19Oh!
01:14:20Oh!
01:14:22Oh!
01:14:22Oh!
01:14:23Oh!
01:14:26Oh!
01:14:27Oh!
01:14:28Oh!
01:14:30Hey, guys, stop!
01:14:33Everybody stop!
01:14:34Ow!
01:14:34Maclam, are you okay?
01:14:36God, they're gonna be sick.
01:14:38What?
01:14:39Oh, God.
01:14:40Oh, God.
01:14:42Oh, God.
01:14:47You're puking like a runway model.
01:14:50I'm good.
01:14:50I'm good.
01:14:51I'm good.
01:14:52You're gonna want to febreze all of this.
01:14:54You're gonna want to just clean this.
01:14:56I'm feeling so much better now.
01:14:58Whoo!
01:15:04Can't be too sure.
01:15:05Holy shit.
01:15:07I gotta get the hell out of here.
01:15:08Once they see a black guy in a pool of blood,
01:15:10you know who they're gonna come after next.
01:15:12I gotta go. They watch him!
01:15:15Now this place is clean.
01:15:17It sounded better when I said it.
01:15:18Get the box.
01:15:20Thank you guys so much.
01:15:21No need to thank us. We're happy to help.
01:15:23Come on, Ned.
01:15:24And we'll just take Abigail with us as well for safekeeping.
01:15:27Yeah, I know what you plan on doing with that doll.
01:15:29What?
01:15:30Sir, I'm a professional.
01:15:31She's a freak.
01:15:32Trust me.
01:15:33Hey, how come wife ain't picking up on the vibes?
01:15:35Oh, like, you know how when you're trying to last longer,
01:15:38you think about baseball?
01:15:39Mm-hmm.
01:15:39It's kind of like that.
01:15:40It throws a haze in their head.
01:15:41It's the only way to survive when you're married to a psychic.
01:15:44Come on, Ned.
01:15:45I know you're thinking about fucking that doll.
01:15:49Hey, hey, hey.
01:15:54We've had enough.
01:15:55Bye, doll.
01:16:00This is so nice being able to just relax on the couch and watch The Bachelorette.
01:16:06Yeah.
01:16:09Huh?
01:16:11No, you didn't hear that?
01:16:13What?
01:16:14My nigger senses is tingling.
01:16:17It's like my spidey senses.
01:16:19Oh, would you hush?
01:16:20It is fine.
01:16:22My white senses say we're fine.
01:16:25Everything's okay.
01:16:26It's over.
01:16:27Okay?
01:16:28It's over.
01:16:29Okay, okay.
01:16:30I'm dripping.
01:16:31It's great.
01:16:33Ah!
01:16:34That white bitch!
01:16:44You already know how it's going down, motherfuckers.
01:16:46All right?
01:16:47I looked on my Doherty Explorer app.
01:16:49It's the motherfucking correct address.
01:16:50This ain't a drive-by, homie.
01:16:52Okay?
01:16:52This is a walk-in, homie.
01:16:54So there ain't no escape plan.
01:16:55My cousin is in here, cuz.
01:16:56Y'all ready?
01:16:59Hey, yo, Malcolm!
01:17:01What's up, my niggie?
01:17:02I'm here, cuz!
01:17:03Oh, shit!
01:17:05Yo!
01:17:05What the fuck are you doing, dude?
01:17:07What y'all leaving me for, homie?
01:17:08That's that bullshit!
01:17:10Oh, my God, guys.
01:17:11I'm scared as fuck.
01:17:16I'm good, dawg.
01:17:18Let me get my motherfucking bearings together, homie.
01:17:22All right.
01:17:23Let's go up in here, guys.
01:17:25It smells like dead-ass baloney and sweat socks up in there, homie.
01:17:29It smells like honey boo-boo's boo-boo, homie.
01:17:32Malcolm!
01:17:33Where you at, cuz?
01:17:39Anybody in here, cuz?
01:17:41Oh, shit!
01:17:41Megan got fucked up!
01:17:44Head twisted all backwards, niggie.
01:17:46Now, upon further examination, my niggie, this white bitch smell like she been dead about a week, maybe two.
01:17:53I watched Dexter, niggie.
01:17:54CSI New York.
01:17:55Loving hip-hop Atlanta.
01:17:57Don't nobody get killed on there, but they need to, my niggas.
01:17:59Stevie J, you know what I'm saying?
01:18:00This bitch smell like poverty, cuz!
01:18:02Yeah!
01:18:04Taekwondo!
01:18:05Oh, shit!
01:18:07They done killed the little mini white bitch, too, cuz!
01:18:10What the fuck happened down here, cuz?
01:18:15Hello?
01:18:18Hello?
01:18:19Oh, shit!
01:18:20It's another dead body, cuz.
01:18:22Who the fuck is it, though?
01:18:24Huh?
01:18:25Who the fuck is it, this nigga?
01:18:27Oh, God, it's Malcolm!
01:18:29They gonna kill my cuz, cuz!
01:18:32It's like boys in the hood.
01:18:33He's supposed to go to college.
01:18:34Why the fuck they let Doughboy live?
01:18:36That Ricky dance!
01:18:38Doughboy was the evil nigga, cuz!
01:18:40Oh!
01:18:41I can't believe this!
01:18:43See, this nigga got some money, though.
01:18:46Oh!
01:18:52But you hit me, fuck, bro!
01:18:54You know better than to be popping up on me like that, cuz!
01:18:56You get knocked out every motherfucking time, homie!
01:18:59World star!
01:19:00World star!
01:19:02Oh, you little brick!
01:19:04Who is my family?
01:19:04Are they okay?
01:19:05Nigga, they dead as fuck!
01:19:07All of them?
01:19:07Even the little boys?
01:19:08Is on the back of a motherfucking milk carton, nigga!
01:19:11He made a list.
01:19:12Uh-uh.
01:19:14It's Keisha.
01:19:15Nigga, I don't know where the fuck Keisha's at, cuz!
01:19:17Shhh!
01:19:17You, shhh!
01:19:18She did this shit!
01:19:20Keisha did this shit!
01:19:21The white girl's neck snapped it back!
01:19:22Keisha did that shit?
01:19:23That bitch is gangster, cuz!
01:19:25I need to jump her in my shit, cuz!
01:19:27Shhh!
01:19:27I came down to the basement on some creepy shit like,
01:19:29and I was sitting here waiting for this bitch.
01:19:31Like, nigga, what?
01:19:32Bitch, you bought some of this?
01:19:33So I'm gonna sit here incognito up under this blanket,
01:19:36like, nigga, like what?
01:19:37I let my sneakers be home, so she be like,
01:19:39oh, that nigga dead!
01:19:40The throat, like...
01:19:41Bitch!
01:19:42You bought some of this?
01:19:43Fuck!
01:19:44You can't kill me!
01:19:45I'm like a roach!
01:19:46I don't die!
01:19:47I multiply!
01:19:48I got God on my side!
01:19:50Bitch!
01:19:55She's right behind me, isn't she?
01:20:17She's right behind me, isn't she?
01:20:21I'm gonna play it!
01:20:22I'm gonna play it!
01:20:22Let's party!
01:20:24Everybody get gnarly!
01:20:25Get gifted!
01:20:26Everybody get twisted!
01:20:28The cool kids are the FIC!
01:20:29We hack up, make boys get loud and obscene!
01:20:32Try to tame us?
01:20:33We so fresh and so clean!
01:20:34They call it Outcast?
01:20:36We the new dream team!
01:20:37We the baddest in the game!
01:20:38No one can compare!
01:20:39Put your hands in the air, say!
01:20:41Run!
01:20:42Slay!
01:20:42We can turn the ant to twelve!
01:20:44No genie, no witcher, just whistle that bell!
01:20:47One hand in the air!
01:20:49Style's so fresh, the soul sees so bare!
01:20:52We can turn the ant to twelve!
01:20:54No genie, no witcher, just whistle that bell!
01:20:57Two hands in the air!
01:20:59Style's so fresh, blowed up in every ear!
01:21:01Mushroom, asparagus, broccoli, spinach!
01:21:03So much pain that we couldn't even finish!
01:21:06We're on top of mountains!
01:21:08Oil and water falling out from the mountain!
01:21:10Mushroom, asparagus, broccoli, spinach!
01:21:13Mushroom, asparagus, broccoli, spinach!
01:21:13So much pain that we couldn't even finish!
01:21:16We are on top of mountains!
01:21:20We can turn the ant to twelve!
01:21:23No genie, no witcher, just whistle that bell!
01:21:26One hand in the air!
01:21:27Style's so fresh, the soul sees so bare!
01:21:30We can turn the ant to twelve!
01:21:32No genie, no witcher, just whistle that bell!
01:21:35Two hands in the air!
01:21:37Style's so fresh, blow up in every ear!
01:21:39Yo, you 되� a lot!
01:21:45Fight!
01:21:46Hope now!
01:21:47Take care!
01:21:52Take care!
01:21:54Gomez!
01:21:55Bye!
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