- 9 hours ago
A Haunted House 2 (2014) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:17:28Right now, she is tearing me off, my God.
00:17:32Oh.
00:17:34You ain't drunk yet?
00:17:36Is that what you like?
00:17:36Huh?
00:17:37Huh?
00:17:37Stop being a bitch.
00:17:39Yeah.
00:17:40Huh?
00:17:40Oh.
00:17:41What?
00:17:43You like that?
00:17:44It's kind of like a blindfold.
00:17:45Except you can't fucking breathe.
00:17:47Huh?
00:17:48Are you crying?
00:17:49That thing just moved.
00:17:50Except you can't fucking breathe.
00:17:52Huh?
00:17:52That thing was watching.
00:17:55You little...
00:17:56Who was watching?
00:17:58Oh, baby, come here.
00:17:59Check this out.
00:18:01Oh, my God.
00:18:02Did you see it?
00:18:03How can I not?
00:18:04I thought I was stripping.
00:18:06I am so fat.
00:18:07Look at me.
00:18:08I look like a huge blubber ass.
00:18:10I'm like Miss Piggy in there.
00:18:12What are you talking about?
00:18:13You said you were gonna shoot my good side.
00:18:15I did shoot your good side.
00:18:16Look at all that ass up there.
00:18:17Look at all that ass, girl.
00:18:19You know, I'm black brothers like an ass.
00:18:21You know I do mean nothing.
00:18:23It's a compliment, right?
00:18:25I see what's going on.
00:18:26You hate my vagina.
00:18:27You think it's too loose.
00:18:29It's not.
00:18:29It's only on the outside.
00:18:30But once you choose a wall, it's pretty damn tight.
00:18:32You know what, Malcolm?
00:18:33I have had two kids.
00:18:34I mean, did you think the stork just dropped them off on the doorstep?
00:18:37No.
00:18:38No.
00:18:38You're knocked out for nine months.
00:18:40And then your lady parts are stretched to limits you can not even fathom.
00:18:45Okay, baby.
00:18:46I think your vagina's cute.
00:18:47Erase the tape or we are never having sex again.
00:18:50Well, since you put it that way.
00:18:51Erase the tape.
00:18:52Okay, I'm erasing the tape.
00:18:54I want to see you do it.
00:18:54I'm erasing the tape.
00:18:56Erase it right now.
00:18:56I'm erasing it.
00:18:57Look, it's erasing.
00:18:58Do it.
00:18:58Baby, I like the way it sounds.
00:19:00Erase the tape.
00:19:00It's not loose.
00:19:01I like the way it sounds.
00:19:03Sound like a blown speaker.
00:19:05You know, it's kind of like Dougie Fresh's B-Box.
00:19:08When I'm hitting it, it's just...
00:19:16Hmm.
00:19:17Who the hell is hitting me?
00:19:19Abigail?
00:19:21You got a page?
00:19:23In a relationship with Malcolm Johnson?
00:19:26I only hit it once.
00:19:2727,000 views?
00:19:29What the hell?
00:19:32I think I might have fucked the wrong page.
00:19:35Now she's blowing up my cell phone?
00:19:37Look at that.
00:19:38Straight up stalker.
00:19:41She's crazy.
00:19:43Listen, it's time to turn my camera game up a level.
00:19:46I'm talking bathrooms, countertops, computers, stuffed animals, mouths and asses.
00:19:52It's going down everywhere I'mma live.
00:19:56Kitchen?
00:19:58Oh, yeah.
00:19:59I see you.
00:20:01Uh-huh.
00:20:01Perfect.
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:03And I got the ass, too.
00:20:05All inconspicuous.
00:20:08Told you.
00:20:10Cameras everywhere.
00:20:12Hey, Becky.
00:20:13Wanna play hide and clap?
00:20:14Fuck off!
00:20:16That's no thank you.
00:20:17Let's do this.
00:20:18Oh, lace blindfold.
00:20:20You got this out your momma's room, right?
00:20:21Oh, boy.
00:20:23Things me and your momma do it.
00:20:24Sometimes she can tie my hands and flip me over and toss that salad.
00:20:29Tony likes salad.
00:20:30Anyway, put this on.
00:20:32Let's do it.
00:20:34One, two, three.
00:20:37First clap.
00:20:38Come on.
00:20:40Come on.
00:20:40Give me a clap.
00:20:42Okay.
00:20:44Yeah.
00:20:45We're getting close.
00:20:46I smell you.
00:20:47I smell you.
00:20:48You smell like kids.
00:20:48Like worms, coins, and doo-doo.
00:20:51Like I...
00:20:51Whoa!
00:20:52Shit!
00:20:53Ah!
00:20:56Can we just play tag next time?
00:20:58I just wanna play tag.
00:20:59Wyatt.
00:21:01Wyatt.
00:21:02Where you at, you little shit?
00:21:11Third clap.
00:21:16A-ha!
00:21:19I got you, Wyatt.
00:21:24I win.
00:21:25You took your blindfold off.
00:21:26You're right, Tony.
00:21:27Malcolm is an idiot.
00:21:29Take your camera, loser.
00:21:31Yeah?
00:21:32I wanna learn how to start a fire.
00:21:36What the hell was...
00:21:39I gotta swore.
00:21:46Oh shit, I fucked you up, fuck you crazy, you know who the fuck I is, oh, no, man, maybe,
00:21:58oh my god, you can't be jumping out on brothers like that, oh my god, you get knocked the fuck
00:22:02out every time, this is your joke, you okay, cause I fucked you up, like I hit you with the
00:22:07force, like, with the follow through, oh I want to ask that rape later,
00:22:11that shit down, you got throws, oh, please help me, god, I hope this works, what is that thing, that
00:22:35is not human,
00:22:49that was weird
00:23:04I don't know
00:23:24Aha, I caught your ass, oh shit
00:23:28What the fuck
00:23:44What?
00:23:47I want you to touch me
00:23:51Oh
00:23:54Okay
00:24:00Not that boss
00:24:08You know I love you and those kids, right?
00:24:10Yeah
00:24:10And I'm gonna do everything in my powers to keep you guys protected
00:24:12Yeah
00:24:16What was that?
00:24:18What?
00:24:20That
00:24:22The wind?
00:24:23Nicker, the windows are closed, okay, I'm telling you, that was either ghost or demon, or maybe it was a
00:24:30demon pregnant with a ghost
00:24:33Oh this is cute, I will still wear this, all day, every day
00:24:41What if it's a burglar?
00:24:42What if it's a burglar?
00:24:42Why the fuck are you excited?
00:24:43It's a burglar, all the way it goes is some scary shit
00:24:46Okay, not all burglars are scary
00:24:49It is a burglar or a ghost
00:24:51You talk to him, he'll leave
00:24:51You shoot it in the face
00:24:53You talk to him, he'll leave
00:24:54Okay, and if the motherfucker's foot do this, you shoot him in the face again
00:24:56That is way too harsh
00:24:58What are you gonna do?
00:25:00I know I'm gonna do
00:25:02Show him
00:25:02You are not allowed to shoot anyone in the face, mister
00:25:16Becky?
00:25:18What in the?
00:25:19Becky!
00:25:20Oh god
00:25:21Becky!
00:25:22Becky!
00:25:24Becky!
00:25:25Oh my god
00:25:26Give me something!
00:25:27Let it get
00:25:28Becky!
00:25:29Becky!
00:25:30Becky!
00:25:30What the fuck?
00:25:36That shit's gross, that fucking sound doesn't bother me
00:25:39Stop, stop, stop!
00:25:40Give me!
00:25:41What?
00:25:42What?
00:25:43What?
00:25:44What?
00:25:45What?
00:25:47Oh!
00:25:48That's all I got
00:25:49Okay, give me
00:25:50This
00:25:51This
00:25:53What?
00:25:54What?
00:25:54Get that thing out of here
00:25:56What?
00:25:56I got an idea
00:25:57Come on
00:25:59Bitch, why ain't you moving?
00:26:01Fuck
00:26:02See, now this
00:26:03Is a good idea
00:26:05Alright
00:26:06Goodnight, Becky
00:26:09Goodnight, sweetheart
00:26:16Hey buddy, what you doing?
00:26:17Having a tea party
00:26:18Oh
00:26:19You wanna go outside and do something a little bit more masculine?
00:26:22Like play some football?
00:26:24No, not really
00:26:28Hey, don't sit there
00:26:29That's Tony's seat
00:26:30Oh, sorry
00:26:32My bad, Tony
00:26:34Tony says no problem
00:26:35Biatch
00:26:36Want some tea?
00:26:39Uh, yeah
00:26:40Sure
00:26:42Um
00:26:43You know what?
00:26:45About your little buddy Tony
00:26:47I don't think he's such a good influence on you
00:26:50You know what I mean?
00:26:54What the?
00:26:55That's straight vodka
00:26:57Tony calls it tea
00:27:00He drinks a lot of tea
00:27:02I really think you guys need to stop this friendship
00:27:05Tony doesn't think that's such a good idea
00:27:07You know what?
00:27:08You tell Tony
00:27:09That I said
00:27:10You and him ain't gonna be friends no more
00:27:12And that's
00:27:15My second thought
00:27:17You and Tony have a beautiful friendship
00:27:19Okay
00:27:20I'll be downstairs doing some less fucking shit
00:27:23This isn't good
00:27:25It's happening again
00:27:27It's really fucking happening
00:27:31What the fuck?
00:27:33Who the hell?
00:27:35Who is it?
00:27:41Who is it?
00:27:45Hello?
00:27:48It's a spooky knock
00:27:50Oh, you better run
00:27:54Knock on my knock
00:27:55Come out there and slap this shit
00:27:57What the fuck?
00:27:59I got a knife!
00:28:13Miss me?
00:28:15Abigail.
00:28:20Oh, hell no.
00:28:22Look, we gotta talk.
00:28:23This is a mistake, okay?
00:28:25This shit gotta stop.
00:28:26It's gone too far.
00:28:27You see this?
00:28:28Miss me?
00:28:30Megan, are you fucking crazy?
00:28:32I take full responsibility, all right?
00:28:34This is my bad.
00:28:36I don't mean to sound cliché.
00:28:37It's not you, it's me.
00:28:39Don't play fucking innocent with me!
00:28:40You knew I had a girl!
00:28:42I'm just being selfish right now.
00:28:44I would love to have you and Megan.
00:28:46And to be honest with you, my stuffed animals,
00:28:48I'd like to bring them in the mix.
00:28:50I'm trying to make this work.
00:28:51You're just not making it easy.
00:28:54I swear to...
00:28:55Oh, fuck!
00:28:59You see what you made me do?
00:29:01Only you don't do this to me!
00:29:02Fucking crazy!
00:29:03Oh, you lucky my mama told me don't hit bitches.
00:29:08Fucking hit a bitch!
00:29:16I didn't touch you!
00:29:19I didn't touch you!
00:29:19You get out of my life, I'll get out of yours!
00:29:21I'm done!
00:29:24Oh, God!
00:29:31That's...
00:29:33I'm not getting hurt.
00:29:34Oh, good.
00:29:36And he's making me do it.
00:29:42Oh, God!
00:29:43Oh, you're just messing up?
00:29:43Oh, you're all right.
00:29:44I mean, that's right.
00:29:45Oh, I'm so wanting to be no one.
00:29:53Fuck, I knew it.
00:29:54A rare and obscure one from Babylonian times named Agul.
00:29:59And he is a trickster.
00:30:00Uh-huh.
00:30:01And chances are this is not your first encounter with this demon.
00:30:04Have you had paranormal experiences in your past?
00:30:07Actually, yeah, about a year ago.
00:30:09This is way worse than I had thought.
00:30:14Oh, shit!
00:30:15Oh, fuck!
00:30:18I thought somebody was shooting.
00:30:20Thai food!
00:30:21It's spicy going in, but it's twice as spicy going out!
00:30:24That's scientifically impossible!
00:30:26I smell you in here!
00:30:27What in the hell?
00:30:29Excuse me.
00:30:34I hire based on skill level.
00:30:37Are those titties?
00:30:38Ladies, remember, we're making meth, not baby aspirin.
00:30:41All the stories revolve around Agul's attempts to trick people
00:30:46into bringing him into our world,
00:30:48and it can come through the form of a possession,
00:30:50a spirit that only a child can see,
00:30:52or an ancient object
00:30:54that lures in the impressionable.
00:30:56So what you're saying is something is coming after me and my family.
00:30:59Malcolm, that's exactly what I'm saying.
00:31:00Damn it, Jessica, you've got your titties in the suit ephedrine!
00:31:03Sorry, Malcolm.
00:31:03I wish you good luck.
00:31:04I've got to get my breaking bad on.
00:31:18Tonight you drown.
00:31:23Oh, my God.
00:31:28You're supposed to sink.
00:31:30Sink.
00:31:31Sink.
00:31:31Sink.
00:31:33You would have perfectly good leather jacket.
00:31:36That's it.
00:31:37Now you're ground.
00:31:39Down.
00:31:40Down.
00:31:40Down.
00:31:41Down.
00:31:44Prepare to meet hell.
00:31:46Ow!
00:31:47God, that hurt.
00:31:48Ow!
00:31:49Ow!
00:31:51Ow!
00:31:51Ow!
00:31:52That's my pulse.
00:31:53Ow!
00:31:53This isn't over!
00:31:55Is a ghoul the same demon that possessed Keisha?
00:32:01When are the Republicans gonna slip and call Obama the n-word?
00:32:07When are they gonna stop making scary movies without the weigh-ins?
00:32:11They fucking suck!
00:32:20What the heck?
00:32:25I don't know.
00:32:30Big.
00:32:42Oh! Steroids, bitch!
00:32:57You messed with the wrong nigga today!
00:33:00Oh my God!
00:33:04Oh my God!
00:33:05Baby, cut it down!
00:33:06What are you doing?
00:33:07I'm in a hallway this fucking creepy box with some weird fucking light in it.
00:33:12And I knew that it was death in the box.
00:33:15So I cast it.
00:33:16Baby, it was a gift.
00:33:17In Christmas?
00:33:19Baby, no.
00:33:20Wow.
00:33:21Quantum?
00:33:22You were so upset when Shiloh Jr. died that the kids in her thought we would get you.
00:33:29Oh!
00:33:30Oh!
00:33:32Come on, come on, come on.
00:33:33Oh my God!
00:33:34Wyatt, go upstairs!
00:33:35Go to your room!
00:33:36I'm not coming.
00:33:39Oh God, I think it's still breathing.
00:33:40You're so fucking crazy.
00:33:43It's still breathing.
00:33:44I got it!
00:33:45Take him out of history.
00:33:46Oh my God!
00:33:46I got it!
00:33:47No!
00:33:47No!
00:33:49No!
00:33:50No!
00:33:51No!
00:33:58Becky?
00:34:00Yoo-hoo!
00:34:02Alright, let's see what's in this box now.
00:34:09Oh, God!
00:34:10Whoo!
00:34:11Wow!
00:34:12That is crazy.
00:34:13What the hell are you doing?
00:34:14Um, nothing.
00:34:15Just, uh...
00:34:15You know your pillows have little faces in them?
00:34:18Stay away from my box.
00:34:19Oh, calm down.
00:34:20Would you calm down?
00:34:20What'd you do?
00:34:21I don't want to come down.
00:34:21Dad?
00:34:22I want you to stay away from my box.
00:34:23It's just a box on that...
00:34:25What is going on in here?
00:34:27It's nothing.
00:34:27We just, uh, playing dolls and stuff.
00:34:31Malcolm came into my room and touched my box.
00:34:33Malcolm, is this true?
00:34:35Yes, but I only touched it for like two seconds.
00:34:37It was stinking.
00:34:39Like, it was rancid.
00:34:40Here, smell this.
00:34:41Whoo!
00:34:42I don't know how she played with that.
00:34:43There's two fingers in my tight little box.
00:34:45Mom!
00:34:46Stop lying.
00:34:47It is...
00:34:47Baby, there's nothing tight about her box.
00:34:50It's fucking huge.
00:34:51I could put my whole fist in it.
00:34:53Like, I almost was up to here for a second.
00:34:55It's crazy big.
00:34:56You said no means no.
00:34:58And that is exactly what I said.
00:34:59I said no.
00:35:00Oh, I did.
00:35:00Whoa.
00:35:01Time the fuck out.
00:35:03Hold on.
00:35:04You sh...
00:35:05She's trying to date live specially, nigga.
00:35:07Where's Chris Hansen?
00:35:08Chris?
00:35:08Chris?
00:35:09Chris, come on.
00:35:10I know you're out there somewhere.
00:35:11I know he's in there somewhere.
00:35:12You're trying to set a nigga up.
00:35:13Can I talk to you for a second?
00:35:15Uh, right now.
00:35:16There's something really strange going on in this house.
00:35:18Wyatt?
00:35:18Wyatt?
00:35:19See, Wyatt used to be my boy.
00:35:20Like, that was my little nigga.
00:35:22Like, we was like...
00:35:23When my dog died, that little nigga held me down.
00:35:26But lately, he hasn't even talked to me.
00:35:28Like, he won't even play with me.
00:35:29His little imaginary friend, Tony?
00:35:31I don't think he's really...
00:35:33You're crazy, Tony.
00:35:35Imagine that.
00:35:36Did you see that shit?
00:35:39You missed it.
00:35:40Okay, look.
00:35:41Forget him.
00:35:42There's something in that old box she carries around that's making her look crazy.
00:35:46She sleeps with it.
00:35:47She eats with it.
00:35:48She even goes to the bathroom with it.
00:35:50Who takes her shit with a box in their hand?
00:35:52It's fucking weird.
00:35:53And by weird, you mean, I'm a terrible mother.
00:35:57No.
00:35:58Wait, where the fuck did you go?
00:35:59Hold on, hold on.
00:36:00You know what?
00:36:00You were just a little bit less judgmental.
00:36:03She wouldn't feel like she needs to carry her paint around in a box.
00:36:05This is not about me.
00:36:07It is always about you, Malcolm.
00:36:09You're too fat.
00:36:10You're a terrible parent.
00:36:11You like black guys because they have bigger cocks.
00:36:13Uh, that sounds like you.
00:36:15Do you see this?
00:36:16That's not fucking normal.
00:36:18Okay, she is just trying to get attention.
00:36:21When she was a baby, she would cry and cry and cry all damn day in her crib until finally
00:36:26she realized I wasn't gonna come and pick her up.
00:36:28If you were a parent, you'd know it's called the cry it out method, Malcolm.
00:36:32She just picked the little bitch up.
00:36:34What?
00:36:35She needs to burn herself too.
00:36:36See what I'm saying?
00:36:38That is called parenting.
00:36:40Wow.
00:36:41Mother of the year.
00:36:45That crazy dog came in my car.
00:36:48Woo!
00:36:49Bro, somebody fucked your car up.
00:36:51Yeah.
00:36:52You wouldn't know anybody with an auto body shop, would you?
00:36:53Are you serious, bro?
00:36:55What?
00:36:55Contra to popular belief, all Mexicans don't have body shops, man.
00:36:57Well, you think we all have lowriders with a bunch of primer all over it with a freaking Mexican horn?
00:37:01Think I have like six kids and all my relatives living there, huh?
00:37:04Probably chase chihuahuas and make burritos.
00:37:05Is that what you think?
00:37:06Dude, I didn't think...
00:37:07Look at that neighborhood, man!
00:37:08I didn't think any of that.
00:37:09I just went to my fucking car fix.
00:37:11I'm just fucking with you, bro.
00:37:13You're so easy, man.
00:37:15Oh, shut up.
00:37:15Man, I got a cousin.
00:37:16His name is Chucho.
00:37:17He can hook all that shit up, all right?
00:37:18Yeah, stop fucking with them crazy bitches, man.
00:37:20I gotta go.
00:37:20I got the family waiting, all right?
00:37:21Be good, man.
00:37:23Where did she go?
00:37:24Oh, my God.
00:37:25Take it easy, Malcolm!
00:37:27Where you going?
00:37:28Don't swap me.
00:37:29We're gonna get some chihuahuas.
00:37:30Wow.
00:37:31Now that's racist.
00:37:34So I moved into the house across the street, and I just love the streets.
00:37:38It's so quiet.
00:37:39It's perfect for a haunting.
00:37:42Okay?
00:37:43You know something?
00:37:44I never got your name.
00:37:46Keisha?
00:37:47What in the fuck?
00:37:49You two know each other?
00:37:51Oh.
00:37:52Well, yeah, you know, the boyfriend that I told you abandoned me and left me in a ditch
00:37:56to die?
00:37:58That's him.
00:38:01Awkward.
00:38:03Yeah.
00:38:04I think I'll let you two have at it.
00:38:07And thank you so much, Megan, for the coffee.
00:38:09Yeah.
00:38:10Really.
00:38:10And Malcolm, it was great seeing you.
00:38:15I'll see you around, Malcolm.
00:38:19Um...
00:38:19Really?
00:38:22How come you never told me about her?
00:38:24Um, well, it was just a time in my life I just wanted to forget.
00:38:27Okay, well, you need to start remembering.
00:38:29She was fucking beautiful!
00:38:30She was...
00:38:31She was aight.
00:38:32Aight?
00:38:33I mean, she got nice legs.
00:38:35Legs?
00:38:35A little ass, but...
00:38:37Ass?
00:38:38About all this?
00:38:40It's fuckable.
00:38:42Okay?
00:38:42But that's...
00:38:43Look, she was...
00:38:44The whole list...
00:38:44She's crazy!
00:38:45She was crazy, baby!
00:38:47Like, she was possessed!
00:38:48You mean she was possessive?
00:38:49No, the bitch was possessed!
00:38:51What?
00:38:51Yes!
00:38:53First of all, she was verbally abusive.
00:38:55Hey, baby, what's for dinner?
00:38:56Eat some of this pussy, you fucking fuck!
00:38:59Okay!
00:39:01I don't know.
00:39:02It was like she gave up.
00:39:03I mean, eventually I was able to drag her to couples therapy.
00:39:06Well, Dr. Roush, me and my girlfriend were kind of going through a little rough patch.
00:39:10I mean, she won't communicate with me.
00:39:12No matter what I do, she just sits there.
00:39:16Okay, and she'll growl a little bit.
00:39:19Yes, I can hear that.
00:39:20And the smallest things just set her off.
00:39:22Like crucifixes.
00:39:23Or questions.
00:39:25Is that right, Keisha?
00:39:25Nigga!
00:39:29You got a prescription for crazy bitch?
00:39:31Oh, Malcolm.
00:39:33I'm so sorry.
00:39:34It sounds horrible.
00:39:36No?
00:39:37It wasn't all bad.
00:39:39Wait, I'm gonna come.
00:39:40No, no, no, no, no!
00:39:41Stop it!
00:39:41You're gonna make a bitch!
00:39:43Oh!
00:39:44Yes!
00:39:45I think he just knocked on a tooth!
00:39:49Whose ass is this, huh?
00:39:50Whose ass is this?
00:39:52The devil's!
00:39:56See, now you just made it weird.
00:39:58I mean, look at the fuck at me!
00:40:00God damn!
00:40:00Oh!
00:40:03Oh my God!
00:40:05That was awesome!
00:40:07Oh!
00:40:08Oh!
00:40:09Baby, you're making my toes do this!
00:40:12You're making my toes do this!
00:40:13Really, Malcolm?
00:40:15Well, you know what they say about the crazy ones.
00:40:18What?
00:40:20Too soon?
00:40:27There's something going on with this box.
00:40:29I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
00:40:32What the heck is this little pervert doing?
00:40:36Oh!
00:40:37Oh, dude!
00:40:38Oh, that's just weird!
00:40:42Oh, really?
00:40:45Oh, wow.
00:40:46What kind of sweet tooth fairy is this?
00:40:50Oh, this nigga need a daddy.
00:40:52Dear Diary, I lost my virginity to Joey today.
00:40:56Actually, that's not totally true.
00:40:58I mean, I've only had sex with seven...teen guys,
00:41:02but only in the butt so it doesn't count.
00:41:05I mean, I've sucked a lot of dicks, Diary.
00:41:10I stopped counting after the blowjob party at Ashley's house.
00:41:13There must have been 30 or 40 guys there.
00:41:15She ain't got no bone in her neck.
00:41:17She got that plastic man.
00:41:18P.S.
00:41:19Diary, I'll never stop sucking dicks.
00:41:22Ever.
00:41:22Wow.
00:41:26Oh, would you look there?
00:41:27A mood ring.
00:41:28So what mood is that?
00:41:30It's called You're Not My Father.
00:41:31Oh, yeah.
00:41:32That's bitchy little white teenager.
00:41:33See, that'll get you slapped in most black neighborhoods.
00:41:40Are you okay?
00:41:44Becky?
00:41:44Hey.
00:41:45Ouch!
00:41:47Oh, fuck!
00:41:48Oh, fuck!
00:41:50Oh, fuck!
00:41:52That is some serious meat mouth you got going on there.
00:41:55It's easier going down than it is coming up.
00:41:58Yeah, it's weird.
00:42:01Breath smell like sirloin.
00:42:03I hope that whole cold ain't contagious.
00:42:08Malcolm!
00:42:10It's got a lot out there.
00:42:11Um, did I catch you at a bad time?
00:42:15Indica!
00:42:16I was a Teva man.
00:42:17I got important shit to do.
00:42:18Hold on!
00:42:20I'm at a party.
00:42:21I need some of my medicine.
00:42:27Oh, fuck!
00:42:28How do I get rid of the demon?
00:42:31Professor!
00:42:32Professor!
00:42:33Malcolm, that demon's trying to get to you through your family and he's not gonna stop.
00:42:37You've got the paranormal equivalent of the perfect storm, my friend.
00:42:41Oh, shit!
00:42:42The po-po!
00:42:42Professor, please!
00:42:43What's going on?
00:42:44Malcolm, I got 12 ounces of crystal meth jammed up my anus.
00:42:46I gotta get out of here.
00:42:47Freeze!
00:42:48Oh, fuck!
00:42:50Professor!
00:42:50Professor, please!
00:42:51Let's go!
00:42:52Now!
00:42:53I can't!
00:42:54I can't!
00:42:55Stop, sir!
00:42:55How do I get rid of your demon?
00:42:57Oh, shit!
00:42:58Oh, fuck!
00:43:00You're under arrest!
00:43:02You on the screen!
00:43:03Freeze!
00:43:08Hey, not you!
00:43:09Oh, no.
00:43:10Not my favorite shirt.
00:43:12Bitch.
00:43:13What the?
00:43:15Oh, my God.
00:43:17Are you fucking kidding me?
00:43:19No, wait.
00:43:19No, no.
00:43:20Not my clothes.
00:43:21No, no, no.
00:43:22Whew.
00:43:23Ah!
00:43:24Ah!
00:43:25Ah!
00:43:26Oh, shit.
00:43:28This crazy wooden bitch.
00:43:30She's burning my clothes.
00:43:31Oh, my God.
00:43:33Oh, it's fatal attraction.
00:43:35She's gonna boil a rabbit.
00:43:36She's gonna boil a rabbit.
00:43:40Can I need something to drink?
00:43:41Sure, man.
00:43:42Tequila?
00:43:42Really, bro?
00:43:43What, you gonna bring the Mexican into your house and...
00:43:45Oh, he must want tequila.
00:43:46We should get him tequila.
00:43:47I'm glad he parked his burro.
00:43:49So now I can offer him some of his beverage.
00:43:51I bet you this shit has a worm in it, too, huh?
00:43:53Well, I should've walked in here with a sarapen and a sombrero for you, too, huh?
00:43:56That's what you wanted, really, wasn't it?
00:43:57No.
00:43:57That's what you gave me all worked up, man.
00:43:59I could use a drink now.
00:44:01What kind of tequila is it?
00:44:03Is it silver?
00:44:03Because I can't drink that gold shit.
00:44:05That's for Cholos, man.
00:44:07That's nice, man.
00:44:07We're becoming friends, right?
00:44:09Now we are.
00:44:11I can trust you with things, right?
00:44:13I can keep a secret, man.
00:44:14I'm good at that shit.
00:44:16The neighbors next door to me don't even know there's a black guy living here yet.
00:44:18So, uh, what do you want to talk about?
00:44:20Um, okay.
00:44:22You know the people that lived in this house before me?
00:44:24Hmm?
00:44:25Was there anything strange going on?
00:44:27Like, were they acting weird or anything?
00:44:29You saw something a little spooky or supernatural or, uh, I've seen some shit.
00:44:37Come on, man.
00:44:37You don't believe in that, do you?
00:44:39Because, I mean, if you did, you know, you'd have been like, nigga, I'm out.
00:44:41I'm gonna do this.
00:44:42You mean to tell me you don't believe in the paranormal?
00:44:45Of course I believe in that shit.
00:44:46I'm half Mexican, bro.
00:44:48Like, I believe in all that shit people don't believe in.
00:44:50Freak at La Llorona, El Cucuy, Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare, interracial dating,
00:44:57nuclear war, but you name it, I'm all for it.
00:45:00Me, personally, I wouldn't stay one night in this house.
00:45:03Oh, shit.
00:45:04Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, bro.
00:45:06When, uh, when I first found out that there was a black guy moving in the neighborhood,
00:45:10I was like, there goes the property value, I'm gonna have to keep the kids inside,
00:45:15there's gonna be gangs, I'm gonna have to cover up graffiti,
00:45:17but you turned out to be okay.
00:45:19You're really cool and you're very accommodating.
00:45:21Hey, I think I can help you.
00:45:23Really.
00:45:26I need you to cut the chicken's neck.
00:45:28Oh, how?
00:45:29Fucking no.
00:45:29Hey, you wanna get rid of the demon or not?
00:45:31I know, but can't we just go down to the store and just, like, buy a chicken?
00:45:34No, man.
00:45:35You need a blood sacrifice.
00:45:38All right.
00:45:38Come on.
00:45:39Let's do it.
00:45:40Hold up.
00:45:40Let me get my, let me get, hold up.
00:45:41Let me get my shit together.
00:45:42What?
00:45:43You on shit in my baby cereal chicken?
00:45:46Oh, you wanna piss on my mama?
00:45:49Oh, in her face?
00:45:50Oh, fuck.
00:45:54Don't leave me.
00:45:54Oh, fuck.
00:45:55Don't leave me.
00:45:56Oh, fuck.
00:45:56Ah!
00:45:57Where did you get this chicken?
00:45:58Your uncle's far?
00:45:59No, a cock-bunny bridge.
00:46:01He's a dead motherfucker.
00:46:03Ah!
00:46:05Ah!
00:46:06Ah!
00:46:07Ah!
00:46:08Ah!
00:46:09Ah!
00:46:09Ah!
00:46:10Ah!
00:46:10Ah!
00:46:12Ah!
00:46:12Ah!
00:46:13Ah!
00:46:13Ah!
00:46:13Ah!
00:46:14Ah!
00:46:15Ah!
00:46:16Ah!
00:46:17Ah!
00:46:18Ah!
00:46:20Ah!
00:46:21Ah!
00:46:21Ah!
00:46:22Ah!
00:46:25Ah!
00:46:26Ah!
00:46:28Get her.
00:46:32Ah!
00:46:32What did I do to you fucking bitch?
00:46:34Ah!
00:46:37Ah!
00:46:38Ah!
00:46:39What ya doin, man?
00:46:40Ah!
00:46:41Ah!
00:46:43This boyu is loco!
00:46:47This boyu is loco!
00:46:49Woo!
00:46:52You got him, Malcolm! That's right!
00:46:54Yeah, you fucked that chicken!
00:46:56Uh, uh, uh...
00:46:59Malcolm?
00:47:03Yeah!
00:47:05I took over that great bucket in the sky
00:47:07Tell the criminal I should hide
00:47:09Yeah!
00:47:14Oh, shit!
00:47:15That was like an intense-ass game of Angry Birds, man!
00:47:18Fuck, bro! You did it!
00:47:20I think this house is clean!
00:47:21Maybe not clean, but the demon's gone for sure
00:47:24What the hell are we gonna do with all this chicken, Malcolm?
00:47:26Oh, yeah. Ask the black guy
00:47:33Cheers
00:47:33Right on!
00:47:39What in the fuck?
00:47:43You! This ends now!
00:47:47You hear me, you googly-eyed wooden bitch!
00:47:49Come on!
00:47:50You're making me standin'
00:47:53And you fucking ass!
00:48:00Get in!
00:48:01Die, you stink, bitch!
00:48:04Pah!
00:48:04B-I-T-
00:48:07Fucking...
00:48:08Bitch!
00:48:11You want some new pictures?
00:48:14Ah!
00:48:16All right!
00:48:18Prepare to meet your maker!
00:48:20That's right!
00:48:21I'm sendin' you back to Taiwan!
00:48:23Ah!
00:48:24Oh, you smell like pissin' shit!
00:48:26Come on!
00:48:27You make me sick!
00:48:29Fuckin' this!
00:48:32You know what Brown can do for me?
00:48:34Take this!
00:48:35You sign!
00:48:36What the fuck are you outta here?
00:48:38Ah!
00:48:40Oh, see.
00:48:41I tried to do it the easy way.
00:48:43Now you're gonna make me violent.
00:48:45Come on!
00:48:46You mother fuck over here.
00:48:48Shut up!
00:48:49Aah!
00:48:50Ha-ha-ha!
00:48:52How you like that, bitch?
00:48:54I want you to watch.
00:48:55Let's see you right now!
00:48:56Ha-ha-ha!
00:48:57Ha-ha!
00:48:58Miss me!
00:48:59Ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:49:00This is fun!
00:49:01Oh, we about to have a barbeque!
00:49:02Get in there...
00:49:04Yeah hey!
00:49:05Hey!
00:49:05How you doing?
00:49:06You gonna fucking burn today, baby!
00:49:11That's what fucking hell feels like!
00:49:23Oh my God!
00:49:40You fuckin'- You're gonna fuckin' die from the watch of light car!
00:49:45You- This part is shit!
00:49:47I don't wanna fuckin' cut your goddamn eye out, you bitch!
00:49:53Malcolm!
00:49:53Say fuckin' nothin'.
00:49:55What did you do to our room?
00:49:56Honey, it's not what it looked like, okay?
00:49:58Really?
00:49:58It's not what it looked like.
00:49:59Really?
00:49:59Listen to me, she's crazy!
00:50:03It's not me, she's crazy!
00:50:04No, honey, Megan, it's not what it looks like.
00:50:08I'm not done with you, you fucking homewrecker.
00:50:12Come on.
00:50:14See, nobody wouldn't listen to the black guy until everybody did.
00:50:17Oh, I see how you're looking at me. Let me tell you something.
00:50:19This house? This house is haunted.
00:50:22You know that little doll that you like so much?
00:50:24Abigail? Yeah, well, let me tell you something about Abigail.
00:50:26She's alive. That's right, she's alive.
00:50:30Not like alive alive, but alive as in it's possessed.
00:50:33You know how I know?
00:50:34Because it made me have sex with it, repeatedly.
00:50:38Upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, in the yard,
00:50:41while you were sleeping next to us.
00:50:43Right there, we had said anything twice.
00:50:44And that's why when you came upstairs and you called me,
00:50:47and I was killing the doll,
00:50:49because I was just like, you're fucking up my relationship.
00:50:51And that box, it's cursed.
00:50:55That box and that box.
00:50:57That's haunted with a demon. That box cursed with dudes.
00:50:59But that's a whole nother story.
00:51:00And your son, his little imaginary friend
00:51:02that teaches him curse words and gets him crunk off vodka.
00:51:06Yeah, yeah, I'm blowing your spot, little man.
00:51:08Well, he's not so imaginary.
00:51:10He's cray.
00:51:11No, no, no, no, you cray.
00:51:13You cray cray.
00:51:14You and there a whole lot of other ethnic words
00:51:16that's going out of style.
00:51:17You ain't fucking fresh or dope.
00:51:19So how about that, cray cray?
00:51:20Mom, he's scaring me.
00:51:22Oh!
00:51:24Is that the nigga whose room exploded?
00:51:26I'm scaring you.
00:51:28OP, you something else.
00:51:30Okay, you know what?
00:51:31That's it.
00:51:31I've had enough of this whole haunted house craziness.
00:51:34It's bad enough that you think it's real,
00:51:37but now you're scaring the kids.
00:51:39I'm scaring the kids.
00:51:41Ain't that the pop calling the cattle a nigga?
00:51:44No, no, no, baby.
00:51:45Your kids are scaring me.
00:51:48Okay?
00:51:49Look at this one.
00:51:49See Marilyn Manson in the skin and Charlie Manson in the eyes.
00:51:53Her eyes look crazy, okay?
00:51:54That's a crazy woman carrying around a box,
00:51:57like fucking Lionel from the Peanuts,
00:51:58and he's hanging out with dead niggas, and I'm crazy?
00:52:01Oh, so what am I supposed to do with all this?
00:52:03Maybe you weren't ready.
00:52:04Maybe we moved in too soon.
00:52:06Maybe you're not ready for a family.
00:52:08But we come as a package deal, okay?
00:52:10This ain't about you or them, okay?
00:52:13Oh, shit.
00:52:14No, hey!
00:52:14Don't touch that shit!
00:52:15Don't you...
00:52:16Don't touch it!
00:52:17Don't that...
00:52:18There's a demon ring.
00:52:19Don't you answer that.
00:52:20You hear it?
00:52:21That's the devil calling right there.
00:52:22That is an evil ring.
00:52:24You hear that?
00:52:24It's an evil...
00:52:25Yeah, I said it.
00:52:26It's a demon ring.
00:52:27And you can instant-tweet that on your grandma vine.
00:52:30No, I just...
00:52:32Stop wringing away!
00:52:37Stop wringing!
00:52:39Stop!
00:52:44Oh, that's a demon call.
00:52:46Uh, Malcolm?
00:52:47Your pocket.
00:52:52Oh.
00:52:53We gotta change my ringer.
00:52:55Why do we even have home phones anymore?
00:52:59I mean...
00:53:01Yeah?
00:53:02Let's see.
00:53:05Hey.
00:53:06How you doing?
00:53:06I'm so good.
00:53:07Come on.
00:53:08I wanted to.
00:53:08Hey, y'all.
00:53:09We got a call about a domestic dispute.
00:53:12Are you Malcolm Johnson?
00:53:13Uh, yeah.
00:53:14That's me, but there's no dispute.
00:53:15I mean, I couldn't phone, but I...
00:53:17You're under arrest.
00:53:17Oh, hey.
00:53:18Hey.
00:53:19For what?
00:53:20Just raise my voice a little bit.
00:53:22My phone is broken.
00:53:23I know what this is.
00:53:24Did you call?
00:53:24It's the door.
00:53:25It's the door.
00:53:26It was the door, brother.
00:53:26Listen.
00:53:27It was this door.
00:53:29I was fucking this door, right?
00:53:30He's on PCP.
00:53:31No, no, I'm on PCP!
00:53:32You fucking bitch!
00:53:34You fucking bitch!
00:53:35You fucking bitch!
00:53:36You fucking bitch!
00:53:36Maybe this is for the best.
00:53:38Come on!
00:53:39Yes!
00:53:40Yes!
00:53:41Yes!
00:54:06Ok TVK!
00:54:07Okay, you four그런, are you?
00:54:08One?
00:54:09No!
00:54:10You're making a mess
00:54:11no risk!
00:54:12You dead!
00:54:20You can't escape my wrath, for I am death.
00:54:27Now, you burn fire.
00:54:30You burn fire.
00:54:32Ah!
00:54:33Ah!
00:54:35Ah!
00:54:37Ah!
00:54:39Ah!
00:54:41Ah!
00:54:45Ah!
00:54:48Ah!
00:54:49Oh!
00:55:05When is...
00:55:09Uncle?
00:55:18Malcolm?
00:55:21Damn, son.
00:55:22You look fucked up.
00:55:26Hey, Mom!
00:55:27Your man's in here puking like a little bitch.
00:55:30See that shit, Tony?
00:55:36Sometimes the victim may be tormented
00:55:38by more than one demon.
00:55:40These cases lead to transference.
00:55:42Trezzo?
00:55:43No.
00:55:43What the fuck is that, Don?
00:55:44Father Williams, mind your tongue.
00:55:46You were a man of the cloth.
00:55:47Damn, man, it ain't like I'm raping motherfuckers no more.
00:55:50You know what I'm saying?
00:55:52Keep on with your little lesson, bro.
00:55:54Victims have also been known to break their own bones
00:55:57during the possession.
00:55:58True. That happened to me.
00:56:00I was first in prison.
00:56:01I was trying to get myself head, right?
00:56:02Because I ain't know nobody.
00:56:04And then, you know, if I would have knew somebody,
00:56:05I wouldn't have had to do it to myself.
00:56:07And it wasn't no gay shit.
00:56:08First get that out your head.
00:56:09That's enough.
00:56:10I've had enough of your insolence.
00:56:12My what?
00:56:13My insolence?
00:56:14Dog, you gonna bring up my condition right now?
00:56:17You gonna bring up my diabetes, dog.
00:56:20Talking about my insolence.
00:56:21Cause I like cake.
00:56:23Yeah, I like cake, guys.
00:56:25I like cake.
00:56:25Birthday cake.
00:56:26All kinds of cake.
00:56:27I'm talking about cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.
00:56:30Man, you know what?
00:56:31I'm sick of your shit.
00:56:32Get out of here.
00:56:35Everybody break out.
00:56:36Get your boy with you.
00:56:37Yeah.
00:56:38I mean, really, man.
00:56:42Michael?
00:56:43Hey!
00:56:44Father, what did I tell you about calling me that?
00:56:47I'm sorry.
00:56:47Hey, dog!
00:56:48Calm down, man.
00:56:51I'm sorry you caught that, man.
00:56:52I'm so stressed out, man.
00:56:54I had to shake a motherfucker.
00:56:56You saw that, right?
00:56:57I ain't seen nothing.
00:56:58That's a good answer.
00:56:59That's a good answer.
00:57:01Cause I was gonna say, if you would have said yes,
00:57:03I would have said yes.
00:57:05I don't have it.
00:57:06I'm sorry, I don't have it.
00:57:07No, that's the only one I had.
00:57:08Oh.
00:57:08I usually had two shanks, but I don't keep that anymore.
00:57:10I stopped doing two shanks.
00:57:12Cause it just was a thing, and everybody was like,
00:57:14two shanks.
00:57:15Yeah, so.
00:57:16How you doing?
00:57:17I, um, I need your help.
00:57:21It's happening, Doug.
00:57:22I, I, I...
00:57:23Hell no!
00:57:24You know I'm not coming over there and fucking with you and your creepy little bitch again.
00:57:28I don't know what that bitch don't want.
00:57:30I'm begging you, man.
00:57:30I just need your help.
00:57:31I just don't know who else to go to.
00:57:33Let me just explain to you why I became a priest.
00:57:35The obvious one is for the little boys.
00:57:37Yes.
00:57:38What are you talking about?
00:57:40It's a joke, Malcolm.
00:57:42Oh God, but no, it was a joke.
00:57:44I did that, you know, for the other priest and we laughed, that's all.
00:57:48But, uh, I don't know if I can help you with your demon situation because I haven't been
00:57:53staying steady on my demon fighting skills is what I'm trying to tell you.
00:57:57So, Malcolm, day after day, when you know you can't win, you're just prolonging the inevitable.
00:58:07All you gotta do is let them in.
00:58:10Are you talking about the devil?
00:58:12Worst.
00:58:13The Kardashians.
00:58:15Huh?
00:58:16Yeah, did you see them?
00:58:17It's the crazy mama.
00:58:19It's Kim, Chloe, Kourtney, Kourtney, the two little ones.
00:58:21Yeah.
00:58:21They gonna be freaks.
00:58:22They got Lamar.
00:58:23They got Scott.
00:58:24Rob Fatten the motherfucker.
00:58:26Bruce.
00:58:26Oh, Bruce.
00:58:28What the fuck is wrong with Bruce in the face?
00:58:30He look like a monster.
00:58:31He literally scares me at night and he only daytime.
00:58:35He don't look like the nigga that was on the weedy box.
00:58:37And Kanye.
00:58:38And Kanye.
00:58:39And you hear the house?
00:58:40I love it and I hate it.
00:58:41It's a Kanye.
00:58:43They changed on me.
00:58:44Doug, you don't, Doug.
00:58:46You have to let go of me, Doug.
00:58:48You can't.
00:58:49Doug, you gotta let go of me.
00:58:50There's no place you can hide.
00:58:52What?
00:58:53He has a plan for you.
00:58:55Doug, get off of me.
00:58:56I don't get you.
00:58:56Doug, get your hands off of me, Bob.
00:58:58What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:59:00Please.
00:59:02Ow!
00:59:05Oh, you're the one that got us out here in the hot heat.
00:59:09Making me bang all on the windows with my good church hat.
00:59:11How'd I have to be at home watching that new Madea movie?
00:59:14What's the name of that Madea movie with the little girl from the French Prince?
00:59:17You know?
00:59:17You know the one?
00:59:18She playing the head of Nassau.
00:59:19With the aliens.
00:59:20The aliens.
00:59:20Madea goes to Mars.
00:59:21Boom!
00:59:21Madea goes to Mars.
00:59:24Hold up.
00:59:25Ain't you that brother that just moved into old Burton place?
00:59:30Yeah.
00:59:30With a white woman?
00:59:32Well, she's not all the way white.
00:59:33She's a white woman down there.
00:59:36Clear?
00:59:36Come on now.
00:59:37It's 2013.
00:59:39Interracial relationships is not a big deal.
00:59:41What?
00:59:42You need to tell that to the lonely sisters.
00:59:44Hey, look at this one right here.
00:59:45Right here.
00:59:46How to show them how you drop it like it's hot.
00:59:48Woo!
00:59:48Hold up, Burton.
00:59:49Hold up.
00:59:50Hold up.
00:59:50We ain't got no defibrillator.
00:59:52Oh, look at what it is with the white girl.
00:59:53They do that with the kunga lingus.
00:59:55The finga linga linga.
00:59:56What is it?
00:59:57The fellatio?
00:59:59That's what it is.
01:00:00They go deep.
01:00:00You know they ain't got no insides.
01:00:02I think that's my cue to go.
01:00:03Excuse me, sisters.
01:00:05Have a good sermon.
01:00:06Where are you going?
01:00:07Love is love.
01:00:08Love is love.
01:00:09You're so bitter.
01:00:10You're angry.
01:00:11Brothers be trippin'.
01:00:12Yeah, it is.
01:00:13That's why I got me a white man at home.
01:00:14Hi.
01:00:15Yeah, girl.
01:00:15Vanilla, my flavor.
01:00:20Hello, Malcolm.
01:00:21Oh, Professor Wilde.
01:00:22Thank God.
01:00:22I've been trying to reach you.
01:00:24I'm sorry, Malcolm.
01:00:25I've been a bit tied up.
01:00:26I haven't been able to find any more on Agul,
01:00:29though my resources are a bit limited.
01:00:31Uh, Professor?
01:00:32Where the hell are you?
01:00:34Doing a stretch of five to ten.
01:00:36Apparently the authorities frown on selling meth to college students.
01:00:41Yeah, apparently.
01:00:42You need to hang up that computer call.
01:00:44Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth.
01:00:47I'm feeling romantical.
01:00:51Well, Malcolm, I suppose I should get going.
01:00:53But I will be emailing you.
01:00:54The contacts of associates will be able to help.
01:00:56I don't mean to be pushy, but any way you can do that before you get raped?
01:00:59What part of Mandingo Party do you not understand?
01:01:03It's time to pile on the white wrap.
01:01:06You know, dirty the snow.
01:01:09Oh, I'm screwed.
01:01:13Lights, please.
01:01:17So after several exhausting days of the exorcism,
01:01:21I threw some holy water on her, read an incantation,
01:01:24and the, uh, demon left the woman's body.
01:01:28I suppose I just sat back and watched.
01:01:31I mean, I'm just the medium who puts her life in danger
01:01:34every time she reaches out to demonic forces,
01:01:37but you've got a Bible and a bottle of holy water,
01:01:40so you make the world a safer place.
01:01:42The fact is, people, is that God is real, the devil is real,
01:01:45and monsters exist.
01:01:47Well...
01:01:48They're vicious, terrifying entities.
01:01:51But the good news is, Santa Claus doesn't exist,
01:01:53so you don't have to work out some creepy old guy
01:01:55on another chimney, right?
01:01:57Got your nose!
01:01:58Okay, so what exactly are you guys?
01:01:59And who the fuck hired you?
01:02:01But you can call us Ned and Noreen.
01:02:03See? This is why you don't hire from Craigslist.
01:02:10I don't understand why you always have to take the credit.
01:02:13I mean, even your name comes first on our book cover,
01:02:16and I am the one with the gift.
01:02:17It's not my fault that Ned comes before Noreen
01:02:19in alphabetical order.
01:02:20Is that why Ned comes before Noreen in the bedroom?
01:02:23Oh, my God.
01:02:23Just once, I'd like you to do that thing
01:02:24with your thumb and your forefinger.
01:02:26I think they call it the shocker.
01:02:27Yeah, well, I would like you to do that thing
01:02:30with my bubbles and the shocker.
01:02:31Hi.
01:02:32Hi.
01:02:32Can we help you?
01:02:34Yes, um, there's something horrible happening in my house.
01:02:36My family doesn't realize what's going on, but I do.
01:02:39No, I'm sure that there's a rational explanation.
01:02:41Please!
01:02:42They're white!
01:02:43Oh, my God!
01:02:44Why didn't you say that?
01:02:45Yeah, you should leave with that.
01:02:46Oh, I mean, if you're black, we just assume
01:02:48that your hauntings are bill collectors
01:02:51or racist police officers, but 99% of all hauntings
01:02:55happen to white people.
01:02:56That's a fact.
01:02:57What he needs to say is, of course we'll help.
01:03:00Thank you so much.
01:03:01So we're here to help you people,
01:03:03and before you get worked up, I mean you people as a couple.
01:03:05It wasn't racist until you explained it.
01:03:07Yeah.
01:03:08The bad news is you have a demon in your house.
01:03:11There we go again.
01:03:12Okay, wait.
01:03:13So the house really is haunted?
01:03:16Megan, it's not the house that's haunted.
01:03:19I knew it!
01:03:20I knew it!
01:03:21It's always the little white girl.
01:03:22Think about it.
01:03:23The exorcism, the last exorcism,
01:03:25the exorcism of Emily Rose, all white girls.
01:03:27Because there ain't no black parents
01:03:28gonna have a little white girl talking like that.
01:03:29Bitch, who you cursing at?
01:03:31And turn the fucking air down in here.
01:03:33Malcolm, just listen for a second.
01:03:35Yes.
01:03:35When we first met you, there was something attached to you.
01:03:39Oh, that was a hemorrhoid.
01:03:41It's good now.
01:03:42This dark entity has attached itself to him,
01:03:44and now it's feeding off of all of you.
01:03:47So what you're saying is that this is all Malcolm's fault?
01:03:50That's right.
01:03:50Your family could have left here at any time,
01:03:52but now you're stuck.
01:03:54Like a piece of toilet paper stuck on your shoe
01:03:56when you leave the bathroom.
01:03:58Your wife knew the whole time,
01:03:59but she didn't tell you
01:04:00because she wanted you to walk around
01:04:02and look like an idiot.
01:04:03Oh, get over it.
01:04:05I'm not the one who had an affair
01:04:06with some low-rent palm reader from Akron.
01:04:09And you never would have known
01:04:09if you weren't a psychic.
01:04:11But I am psychic, Ned.
01:04:13Oh!
01:04:14How?
01:04:14Shit!
01:04:15What was that for?
01:04:16You should be thinking about doing to Megan
01:04:17in two seconds.
01:04:18One, two...
01:04:19Thinking about doing to Megan?
01:04:20See?
01:04:23Uh, guys, we came on short notice.
01:04:25We may need an extra pair of hands.
01:04:28Anyone you trust to help?
01:04:29I know a guy.
01:04:30He's Mexican.
01:04:33Megan, let's go to your contacts.
01:04:39Hey, nice camera.
01:04:40Right?
01:04:40I'll take it your third cousin owns electronic shops.
01:04:43Eh, something like that.
01:04:44He sells them out of the back of his truck.
01:04:45It's a mobile operation.
01:04:46Let me know if you want me.
01:04:48Hey, Ned.
01:04:49Something weird.
01:04:50All these clocks stop at 3.27 when the hauntings happen.
01:04:53Normally, it's 3.07.
01:04:55No, we're on CP time.
01:04:58The demon will manifest itself in many ways.
01:05:01To your son, it's his imaginary friend.
01:05:03To your daughter, it's the voice inside the box.
01:05:05For Malcolm, it's that sexy little doll Abigail.
01:05:07See?
01:05:08It's a manifestation.
01:05:09You think I bang a doll for no reason?
01:05:11Malcolm, shut up.
01:05:12What we're about to do is the first step
01:05:14in banishing the demon to the netherworld.
01:05:16Oh, what is that?
01:05:18This helps me communicate with the demon.
01:05:21Organic, hydroponically grown OG Kush.
01:05:24Very strong.
01:05:27This is a good ship.
01:05:30Oh, past the mass, shit.
01:05:33We grow it ourselves.
01:05:35High water, bro.
01:05:37That shit right there.
01:05:39Let me get another hit.
01:05:40I'm going to the further.
01:05:42Tony.
01:05:43Tony, where are you?
01:05:48It smells like that OG Kush.
01:05:58Mom!
01:06:00What?
01:06:03Becky!
01:06:05Come on!
01:06:07Come on!
01:06:08Come on!
01:06:09Fuck you, you bitch!
01:06:10Becky!
01:06:11Why are you trying my baby to a chair?
01:06:13Because the bitch got a demon in her!
01:06:15Make it stop!
01:06:17This is some scary Kukui shit right here, man.
01:06:20I don't know what Kukui is.
01:06:21Kukui is a ghetto Mexican boogeyman.
01:06:23Oh, like George Lopez.
01:06:25I know, huh?
01:06:26I agree.
01:06:27It is scary as fuck.
01:06:29The spirit is more powerful than I thought.
01:06:31We're going to need to get a priest to perform a real exorcism.
01:06:34I know a guy.
01:06:36He's a little unconventional.
01:06:39I don't know.
01:06:41I know.
01:06:42That bitch don't look right.
01:06:43Little ho, why you gotta call that bitch?
01:06:45You're disrespecting the little ho.
01:06:46Nigga, did you just sell me out?
01:06:48There's certain words that trigger white folks.
01:06:50I mean, bitch, ho, slut.
01:06:53No offense.
01:06:53You can't say those words.
01:06:54That's like our name.
01:06:55Hey!
01:06:57You got your damn boss!
01:06:59You got your damn boss!
01:06:59We would never say that.
01:07:01Oh, we wouldn't hide closed doors.
01:07:03I mean, I wouldn't say it at a bus or Waffle House at the Atlanta airport or in the parking
01:07:08lot of a KFC, but yeah, I would say it.
01:07:10I ain't got your back.
01:07:11I ain't got your back.
01:07:12This is a lovely scarf you're wearing.
01:07:14This is a sash, you know what I'm saying?
01:07:16Yeah, I'm selling these.
01:07:17This is part of my new clothing line.
01:07:18Jesus pieces.
01:07:19And I got like the shoes that the Pope be wearing.
01:07:21I love her.
01:07:22Suede.
01:07:24The green, brown.
01:07:24And the Pope answer!
01:07:25I can't kiss them shit.
01:07:27You know they just love me.
01:07:28Okay, you know what?
01:07:29That's enough.
01:07:30Thank you so much.
01:07:31That's great.
01:07:31Can we help my daughter, please?
01:07:35She was a really white girl on me.
01:07:36I was like, whoa.
01:07:38Speaking of white.
01:07:39Hey, man, are you doing cocaine again?
01:07:42Cocaine?
01:07:42No, man, it's that Molly.
01:07:43Oh!
01:07:45Oh, man.
01:07:47Oh, that's good.
01:07:49Oh, that's good.
01:07:49Oh, that's good.
01:07:50Let's take a little pitch for later.
01:07:51He's just bringing it.
01:07:52Oh, yeah.
01:07:53Ron and Molly.
01:07:54Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:07:55I told you he was on that, bitch.
01:07:58Oh, man.
01:07:59Oh, man.
01:08:00Oh, man.
01:08:01Oh, man.
01:08:01Oh, man.
01:08:02Oh, man.
01:08:02Oh, dog, dog, dog, whoa.
01:08:03Y'all are some crazy-ass motherfuckers, man.
01:08:05Y'all thought I was gonna shoot this bitch?
01:08:07I'm just gonna pistol whip her until she weakened.
01:08:09We're not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:11I am not pistol whipping my daughter.
01:08:13He knows what I'm doing.
01:08:14The man is a genius.
01:08:18In the name of the Father and the Holy Ghost of God,
01:08:22I need three other white people.
01:08:24Peyton Manning.
01:08:24Peyton Manning.
01:08:25Peyton Manning is this is true.
01:08:27Paul and Dean.
01:08:30Doug!
01:08:31I can't find his black ass in this dock.
01:08:33Where the hell is he?
01:08:34Look for eyes!
01:08:35Like a forest creature in a cartoon.
01:08:37Father, it's Doug!
01:08:39He's over here!
01:08:40He's over here!
01:08:41No, brother, please.
01:08:43No, dog, don't.
01:08:44Robert, please don't.
01:08:45No.
01:08:46Wait.
01:08:46It's better if he points the gun at himself and not at us.
01:08:48Just talk to him now.
01:08:49Listen to my voice.
01:08:50Okay, Doug, listen, listen to my voice.
01:08:52Listen, this is not what niggas do.
01:08:54We don't do suicide.
01:08:55Murder.
01:08:56Yes.
01:08:57Suicide, that's what they do.
01:08:59Yeah, we do that.
01:09:00I've tried at least 20 times.
01:09:03Motherfuckers got me acting all crazy, acting a fool.
01:09:06Don't damn well, I would peel my own cap.
01:09:08God, doc, I can't stop it.
01:09:11I can't stop the mannequin.
01:09:12There's something in my head that tells me to blow off my head.
01:09:15Is it this head?
01:09:16Is it this head?
01:09:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:09:19Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
01:09:20Demon break, who wants a mojito?
01:09:23Oh, the black guy's still got a gun.
01:09:25Oh, God, this demon is a son of a bitch, man.
01:09:28Father, why have you abandoned me?
01:09:31Is it because I curse a lot, even doing prayer?
01:09:34Amen, motherfucker, sound dope.
01:09:37Is it because I don't, I don't, I don't get Ryan Seacrest.
01:09:41I don't get him.
01:09:42I know what it is, because I dressed up as a foreclosure sign
01:09:45with people who was getting kicked out of their house on Halloween,
01:09:48not just stood in their yard.
01:09:50I know what's wrong, but it was funny to me.
01:09:52Out of all of the people on the Brady Bunch,
01:09:55it was Alice that I wanted to put in the station wagon.
01:09:59On top of Mr. Brady architect desk,
01:10:01just used different protractors and rulers.
01:10:04It's because I actually kind of thought that it was okay
01:10:07that Chris Brown hit Rihanna.
01:10:09I know that bitch hit him first, man.
01:10:10She talk too much shit.
01:10:12She island girl.
01:10:12What you doing, Chris?
01:10:14Why you going to do this bitch number, Chris?
01:10:16Pat, shut the fuck up, bitch.
01:10:17Nobody help me.
01:10:18Doug, fight it, Doug.
01:10:20No, no.
01:10:21Nigga, that's a big ass gun.
01:10:22That's going to hurt, nigga.
01:10:24Malcolm, he has a message for you.
01:10:28He says, hi, bitch.
01:10:37We're going to need another priest.
01:10:38It's too late.
01:10:39I have to perform the exorcism.
01:10:41It's true.
01:10:42Although Ned's only formal training was at Ghostbusters
01:10:44summer camp back in 1988.
01:10:46Never cross the streams.
01:10:47And he is dumb.
01:10:49I mean, dumb, dumb, dumb.
01:10:51The point is, you can do this.
01:10:54Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?
01:10:56Yes.
01:10:56I have a whiskey dick, and I'll make it up to you in the morning.
01:10:58No, you said God brought us together for a reason.
01:11:01That doesn't sound like me.
01:11:03Must have been really drunk.
01:11:04Just fucking do it, dummy.
01:11:07OK.
01:11:07Come on.
01:11:08I'm not a son.
01:11:10I'm not a son.
01:11:11I'm not a son.
01:11:11Take the D and be the.
01:11:13Jesus, doctor.
01:11:14Proceed.
01:11:14Doctor.
01:11:17Proceed.
01:11:18Doctor.
01:11:19Proceed.
01:11:20Beccy's.
01:11:20Did it work?
01:11:21Please help me.
01:11:22I'm sorry for everything.
01:11:24I think you did it.
01:11:25Ah!
01:11:27Jesus.
01:11:27We have full aversion.
01:11:31We have full aversion.
01:11:37Time to die!
01:11:42Oh.
01:11:43Oh.
01:11:43You scared me like that.
01:11:44It actually was.
01:11:46It wasn't.
01:11:47Better for him than me.
01:11:48That looked like her, shit.
01:11:55now that's what you call a bludgeon a leaf blower don't judge me
01:11:59malcolm damon you leave our daughter alone that's not your daughter anymore yeah i didn't look like
01:12:07a daughter daughter i was just saying that seriously malcolm help her okay god damn it
01:12:13go get them buddy what are you okay yeah but becky she looks pretty fucked up
01:12:22demon i'll make you a deal how about you leave and we'll pretend let me say that
01:12:27the bitch is mine well you heard the man the bitch is his i tried seriously she said
01:12:32bitch is his that's pretty emphatic please help me i'm so sorry
01:12:42okay okay which one is it go rot in hell or you want me to help you
01:12:45malcolm help her the bitch is confusing me okay
01:12:47demon you leave her alone you take me instead
01:12:53wait no no no here yeah take care take everything
01:13:01i haven't heard a demon scream for a while i think it's safe to go back up there i still
01:13:04have a bad
01:13:05feeling for god's sake come on guys come on all right oh my god quiet get upstairs right now
01:13:14they're cuddling the demon's gone i did it this house is clean look at his eyes they're rolling into
01:13:22the back of his head i think he's possessed that's the face that he makes when he has an orgasm
01:13:27i think
01:13:27he's okay you guys this is not over are you watching this yes we're watching it dummy i'm so intrigued
01:13:35by
01:13:35this oh man he's all twisted up like a chocolate pretzel this is flexibility and a dexterity oh my god
01:13:44this is making me queasy i think he can suck his own death if i can do that i don't
01:13:50think i'd ever
01:13:51talk to you again stop it you are holy demons oh that is greasy shit probably murray
01:14:02you burn like bone piss that means it's working here it's one whole thing like i just won the super
01:14:07bowl let go oh my god
01:14:13it's not all you'll cry bitch
01:14:26oh
01:14:27hey guys stop everybody stop
01:14:34maclum are you okay no i think i'll be sick what oh god oh god
01:14:51you're gonna want it for breeds all of this you're gonna want to just clean this
01:15:04can't be too sure holy i gotta get the hell out of here once they see a black guy in
01:15:10a pool of blood
01:15:10you know who they're gonna come after next i gotta go they watch them
01:15:15now this place is clean sounded better when i said it get the box thank you guys so no need
01:15:22to thank us we're happy to help come on ned and we'll just take abigail with us as well for
01:15:27safekeeping yeah i know what you're planning on doing with that dog no sir i'm a professional
01:15:31she's afraid stop it hey how come my wife ain't picking up on the fives oh like you know how
01:15:36when
01:15:37you're trying to last longer you think about baseball it's kind of like that throws a haze in their
01:15:41head it's the only way to survive when you're married to a psychic come on ned i know you're
01:15:46thinking about fucking that doll hey hey hey hey
01:15:53okay we've had enough we've had enough bye doll
01:16:00this is so nice being able to just relax on the couch
01:16:05watch and watch the bachelorette yeah huh no you you didn't hear that what my nigger senses is
01:16:16is tingling this is like my spidey senses oh would you hush it is fine my white senses say we're
01:16:23fine
01:16:25everything's okay everything's okay it's over okay it's over okay okay okay i'm drippin
01:16:31it's great
01:16:43you already know how it's going down motherfuckers all right i looked on my doherty explorer app it's the
01:16:49motherfucking correct address this ain't a drive-by homie okay this is a walk-in homie so ain't no
01:16:54escape plan my cousin is in here cuz y'all ready hey yo malcolm what's up my nigga i'm here
01:17:10i'm scared i'm scared i'm good though let me get my motherfucking bearings together homie
01:17:22all right let's go up in here guys this smell like dead-ass baloney and sweat socks up in there
01:17:29homie it smells like honey boo boo boo boo homie malcolm where you at cuz
01:17:39anybody in here cuz oh shit vegan got fucked up head twisted all backwards nikki now upon further
01:17:48examination my nikki this white bitch smell like she's been dead about a week maybe two i watched
01:17:53baxter nikki csi new york loving hip-hop atlanta don't might get killed on there but they need
01:17:58to my niggas stevie jay you know i'm saying this bitch smell like poverty cuz yeah taekwondo oh
01:18:05shit they done killed a little mini white bitch too cuz what the happened down here cuz hello
01:18:19hello oh shit it's another dead body cuz who the fuck is it though huh who the fuck is it
01:18:26this
01:18:26oh god it's falco they're gonna kill my cuz cuz it's like boys in the hood he's supposed to go
01:18:34to college
01:18:34why the fuck they let doughboy live that ricky dance doughboy was the evil nigga cuz oh i can't believe
01:18:42this see if this nigga got some money though
01:18:53you know better than to be popping up on me like that cuz you get knocked out every
01:18:57motherfucking time homie world star world star oh you little brick who is my family are they okay
01:19:05nigga they dead as but all of them even the little boys is on the back of a motherfucking milk
01:19:10carton
01:19:31so i'm gonna sit here incognito up under this blanket like nigga like what i let my sneakers be
01:19:38home so she be like oh that nigga dead the throat like bitch you want some of this you can't
01:19:44kill me
01:19:45i'm like a roach i don't die i multiply i got god on my side bitch she's right behind me
01:19:57isn't she
01:20:17i'm so fresh
01:20:22let's party everybody get gnarly get pissed everybody get twisted the cool kids on the
01:20:29f-i-c we have up make boys get loud and obscene try to tame us we so fresh and
01:20:34so keen they call it
01:20:35outcast we the new dream team we the baddest in the game no one can compare put your hands in
01:20:40the air
01:20:40it's not so fresh we can turn it into 12 we can turn it into 12 we can turn it
01:21:07into 12 no
01:21:22genie no wish and just whistle that fell two hands in the air
01:21:27styles don't make it slow up to death
01:21:29we can turn it into 12 we can turn it into 12 no
01:21:32genie no wish and just whistle that fell two hands in the air
01:21:37styles don't make it slow up to death
01:21:39we can turn it into 12 no
01:21:42no
01:21:43no
01:21:44no
01:21:44no
01:21:45no
01:21:47no
01:21:47no
01:21:48no
01:21:48no
01:21:49no
01:21:51no
01:21:53no
01:21:54no
01:21:54no
01:21:54no
01:21:55no
01:21:56no
01:21:56no
01:21:57no
01:21:57no
01:21:58no
01:21:58no
01:21:58no
01:21:58no
01:22:00no
01:22:12no
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