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The Worst Film Festival Ever [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
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00:00:29Transcription by CastingWords
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00:01:59the transition from drugs to moviemaking has been glorious for us.
00:02:04The problem with Tug Speedman movies are his endings.
00:02:06Well, it's not just the endings.
00:02:08We even got shortchanged on the nudity.
00:02:11Esme Presley used a body double.
00:02:15I just had a thought.
00:02:17What do you think if I asked you to present the awards?
00:02:19Oh, Gabriel, let me stop you there.
00:02:21I'm not presenting these awards.
00:02:23Well, that would be a mistake.
00:02:25A missed opportunity for you, Will the Farmer.
00:02:29With some brand.
00:02:31Gabriel, your little festival, it's a low-rent nightmare.
00:02:34Whatever bullshit you've done to get this accredited by the Academy, it's a win here.
00:02:38Honestly, I don't want to be part of it when it all goes tits up.
00:02:41It's all showbiz, Will.
00:02:43And you are one of the greats.
00:02:45This is an opportunity that should be grabbed with both hands.
00:02:47Gabriel, please, please don't bullshit me.
00:02:50Put on a show, Will.
00:02:53Razzle dazzle and it will be you that they'll remember.
00:02:56I don't want to present an award to a shit Tarantino wannabe, Tug Speedman.
00:03:01Truth is stranger than fiction, Will.
00:03:03Look, why don't you stay, listen to the key speaker talk and then see how you feel.
00:03:10Do you know what?
00:03:11I don't feel well, Gabriel.
00:03:14That was funny, innit?
00:03:15If you've got a tractor, you're a farmer.
00:03:17If you don't, you're just a gardener.
00:03:19Do you know what?
00:03:20I am not sitting here listening to that.
00:03:25Gabriel?
00:03:27Are you all right?
00:03:55There you go.
00:03:56I am not sitting here, aren't you?
00:04:10Hello Giggles. Didn't know we were going to be a threesome tonight.
00:04:13What's the point in having a phone if you don't read your messages?
00:04:17Oh shit, sorry, I've been avoiding my dad all day, so phone.
00:04:23I'm breaking up with you.
00:04:26Okay.
00:04:26It's not you, it's your dad.
00:04:31Yeah?
00:04:32Not in that way, just the way he controls everything you do.
00:04:39I'm waiting for the punchline here, but I'm sensing it's not coming.
00:04:44Look, my dad is just my dad. Like, I'm my own boss.
00:04:52Okay, but that is five unread messages, which I'm not going to read.
00:04:57I'm with Giggles.
00:05:00Caroline, I thought we were going to make a movie together.
00:05:04I think we're both done with that.
00:05:06You know, you know what, I think I'm just going to...
00:05:25Oh God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
00:05:27I'm going to make a movie together.
00:05:31I think I'm so sorry, sorry.
00:05:33I'm so sorry.
00:05:56Dad, where have you been?
00:05:57He's having a heart attack.
00:05:59Will the farmer.
00:06:01And a cow jumped over the moon.
00:06:03No, Dad, I'm sorry.
00:06:04Gabriel, everything's going to be okay.
00:06:06Alan's here now.
00:06:08Listen to me, son.
00:06:11Do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at the Chinese laundromat?
00:06:15Pledge.
00:06:16Um, how sure are we that this was a heart attack?
00:06:20Shit, no, the film festival.
00:06:22The film festival goes ahead.
00:06:26You're in charge.
00:06:27Gabriel, talk about this at the hospital.
00:06:29Where is this ambulance?
00:06:30Ambulance is on the way.
00:06:31No, Dad, Dad, cancel the film festival.
00:06:34Alan.
00:06:36I am not willing to donate a kidney, but I am willing to watch you die slowly if you're looking
00:06:41for that kind of thing.
00:06:42Huh.
00:06:45Any idea what you're going to do?
00:06:47Er, no, no, Will, I don't.
00:06:49Well, good luck with everything.
00:06:49Um, Will the Farmer to present Best Picture.
00:06:54Aw.
00:06:55The Farmer to present Best Picture.
00:07:11Everybody, I'm not.
00:07:13Somebody, I'm not.
00:07:15I don't want to be somebody, I'm not.
00:07:20Standing in the shoes of someone, I'm not.
00:07:23I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:07:30Standing in my shoes
00:07:32I got this feeling that I'm always gonna lose
00:07:36I guess I know someday I'm gonna have to choose
00:07:41Cause I don't want to hide away
00:07:44Yeah, yeah
00:07:47Somebody I'm not
00:07:49I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:07:54Standing in my shoes
00:07:56Someone I'm not
00:07:58Cause I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:08:04Standing in the line
00:08:06I never know when it's gonna be my time
00:08:11I got some merchants I really wanna shine
00:08:15Cause I don't want to hide away
00:08:18Yeah, yeah
00:08:21Somebody I'm not
00:08:23I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:08:28Standing in the shoes of someone I'm not
00:08:32Cause I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:08:37So it goes
00:08:42Seems like I'm running blind
00:08:48But oh, you know
00:08:52It's like I'm stuck in time
00:09:16Somebody I'm not
00:09:19Somebody I'm not
00:09:19I don't want to be somebody I'm not
00:09:23Standing in the shoes of somebody I'm not
00:09:29You know
00:09:30I think I'm gonna faint if we don't eat soon
00:09:33There's a Costa Starbucks back at the station
00:09:36I can get those anywhere
00:09:38I need authentic Edinburghan food
00:09:42I don't know if it's an actual word
00:09:44But it is now anyway
00:09:47Um, there's a greasy spoon three blocks from here
00:09:52Authentic Scottish cafe it says
00:09:54Perfect word
00:09:55I'm gonna use it in a sentence
00:09:57I just did
00:10:05Where are all these Scottish fruits I've been told about?
00:10:10You're gonna cop a flower pot if you don't move them trotters
00:10:15At her butt
00:10:16Oh my god
00:10:25Are you sure?
00:10:27Of course
00:10:28She's got no reason to lie, is she?
00:10:31Can we go home then?
00:10:33Alan's sorting it out
00:10:35That can't be good
00:10:42Come on
00:10:53How's it going?
00:10:55A few technical issues
00:10:56But then again it's an old laptop
00:10:58So I probably need some replacing
00:10:59She means your dad, Alan
00:11:01Oh god
00:11:02Um
00:11:03Yeah, better
00:11:05I think
00:11:06He left me a three page text message this morning
00:11:08That he signed off with
00:11:09And don't mess this up
00:11:11So safe to say
00:11:13He's better the farm on this first of all
00:11:16That'll be fine
00:11:19See, he's working
00:11:21And gone again
00:11:22Yeah
00:11:27He's fucked
00:11:33Will
00:11:35Gabriel's on the mend
00:11:36That's good
00:11:36Will, I still need a key speaker
00:11:38Please check out time for me
00:11:40No, Will, please
00:11:41I'll give you anything, okay
00:11:42I have a kidney you can have
00:11:44It's barely been used
00:11:45When you get chased by a pack of taxidermists
00:11:48Don't play dead
00:12:06Is there no one here to meet us?
00:12:08It's fine, we'll just grab a taxi
00:12:11Did you not order car service?
00:12:13I'm sorry
00:12:14I'll just bung it on my credit card, shall I?
00:12:17There's no budget for this trip
00:12:22Seriously
00:12:31Good news or bad?
00:12:32My father would say this is a challenge
00:12:35So bad then?
00:12:36Yeah, it's not good
00:12:36One of my key speakers has pulled out
00:12:38He's got the flu
00:12:39One of the criteria for qualifying for an Academy Award
00:12:42Is you must provide at least two key speakers
00:12:46To tell you movies are good
00:12:49Alright, okay, it's fine
00:12:51Just breathe
00:12:53That's it
00:12:54I'm not the first guy to have a panic attack on us
00:12:57Look, if my dad doesn't kill me
00:12:59Tug Speedman will
00:13:00God's was a good movie
00:13:01The ending wasn't much so
00:13:03No, his father is paying for the festival
00:13:06You know this isn't your fault, right?
00:13:08Yes, but my dad can make it my fault
00:13:10Right, first things last
00:13:12What's a key speaker?
00:13:14Oh, I don't know
00:13:15It's got to be an actor or a celebrity
00:13:17Someone who can talk about their experience
00:13:19Making movies with the other filmmakers
00:13:27Rachel
00:13:28Oh shit, yeah, Rachel Warren
00:13:30Who is Rachel Warren?
00:13:35She did that stupid werewolf movie with Jess
00:13:38It's in the festival
00:13:39Can you get her?
00:13:41Yeah, I know her will
00:13:42I'm sure she'd love to come and be your celebrity
00:13:49You have no idea where we're going
00:13:51Yes, I do
00:13:59It's this way
00:13:59Come on
00:14:02We made a movie about Chinese families in the 18th century
00:14:06Stories about mothers and daughters
00:14:11This country makes no sense
00:14:15This country makes no sense
00:14:16This country makes no sense
00:14:48Hey, remember what we spoke about
00:14:51Yeah, yeah, Dad
00:14:52No day joking
00:14:55Hi, we're Ashraf and
00:14:58Millie
00:14:59I thought we was going with Millicent
00:15:01We made Milicent
00:15:10Do I think we can win?
00:15:12Fuck yeah
00:15:13What, babe?
00:15:15Well, forget winning
00:15:16I mean, I'm just here for the fit guys
00:15:18With their sexy Scottish brogue
00:15:21I mean, I haven't met any just yet
00:15:23But I did spot this guy
00:15:24He looked a little bit like Chris Hemsworth
00:15:26On the plane
00:15:26You know, the guy from Thor
00:15:27I mean, give him the chance
00:15:29I don't
00:15:29I was Thor
00:15:32You do know I'm not one of your pals, don't you?
00:15:35You know I can't just un-hear this stuff
00:15:38Oh well
00:15:41I'm not really hungry
00:15:44Nominations for Best Actress are
00:15:47Fran Whittaker for Hey, Mr. DJ
00:16:00I can explain
00:16:01I want you to leave
00:16:04Out of my house
00:16:13What's black pudding?
00:16:15It's spoke of beef blood
00:16:16Mixed with oatmeal and fried
00:16:18Are we in the same country?
00:16:21No
00:16:21We're in Scotland
00:16:23Esme Presley
00:16:24Poor gods of Shoreditch
00:16:26Your sword skills do you a disservice, sir
00:16:28The seal calls to you
00:16:32But it is lying
00:16:33That may be so
00:16:35The seal is our portal to the future
00:16:37It is the devil's work
00:16:39Then the devil does fine work
00:16:42How are the nominations?
00:16:43Oh yeah
00:16:44It's in the back
00:16:58Hi guys
00:16:59We're the Kidnap Gang
00:17:01And we do kidnap pranks
00:17:02This is my partner Darren
00:17:05Hello
00:17:06Now obviously we've entered two films into the festivals
00:17:10Which doubles our chances of winning something
00:17:14But look, I've got to warn you
00:17:15When we're about
00:17:16There's always some fuckery afoot
00:17:19Idiots
00:17:19Both my dad and my uncle
00:17:22Well Gabriel, the guy who runs the festival
00:17:24He invited us along
00:17:25He thought we'd be some good entertainment
00:17:42Joking we got her
00:17:43You didn't
00:17:43She said she'll do it
00:17:45Thanks little madam
00:17:46Oh thank you, thank you, thank you so much
00:17:49Sorry I'm not really a hugger
00:17:50But you know what I mean
00:17:51She said she'd like working with me
00:17:53And the movie's nominated in the festival
00:17:55You'll cover travel and barbill
00:17:57Yeah, barbill?
00:17:58Yeah, but don't worry about that now
00:18:00You have a speaker
00:18:02Hey, is this an exclusive party
00:18:04Or can anybody join in?
00:18:05Doug, you're here!
00:18:07Alert the paparazzi
00:18:08That's good, that's good things do
00:18:10No seriously
00:18:10Alert the paparazzi
00:18:12Your dad has press at the awards
00:18:16How are you?
00:18:17Jade
00:18:18And what movie are you with?
00:18:19Sex
00:18:20Hmm
00:18:21Well, your film sounds interesting
00:18:24And equally your name
00:18:26Both subjects I'd love to learn more about
00:18:30Tug Speedman
00:18:32Actor, writer, filmmaker
00:18:34Triple tread
00:18:35Pow!
00:18:36Tug, have you checked in yet?
00:18:38It's actually just this way
00:18:39I'll just show you where it is
00:18:40I want that review
00:18:49Listen man
00:18:51I didn't want to say anything in there
00:18:53I didn't want to embarrass you
00:18:55There was no one there to meet us at the airport
00:18:57Oh, I didn't know we were
00:18:59You know what?
00:19:01Technical issues
00:19:03Get it together man
00:19:05You do realise what a big deal this is
00:19:07To have me and my movie
00:19:10Playing exclusively at your festival
00:19:12Of course
00:19:13I thought I played in Ireland
00:19:17That wasn't a film festival
00:19:18That was a tent with a projector
00:19:21Right
00:19:21No, this
00:19:24This is the one we've been waiting for
00:19:27Academy qualifying
00:19:29You do realise this is going to be huge
00:19:31For my movie
00:19:32And for your festival
00:19:36Yes, I'll get it together
00:19:44We're in room 175
00:19:47Esme Presley
00:19:49That's my name
00:19:50Don't wear it out
00:19:55Don't mess this up
00:19:57Right
00:20:01Please let me help you with your bag
00:20:03I'd be much obliged
00:20:04He likes people to think I'm his assistant
00:20:07Yeah, he's certainly a character with a small c
00:20:11No, he's definitely something with a small c
00:20:22We're going to need to separate these
00:20:25Oh, like a twin room
00:20:28Don't get me started
00:20:30Tud likes his space to sleep
00:20:32Proper diva
00:20:36You can put that down
00:20:38Oh, God, yeah, sorry
00:20:41Is there a turndown service or do I tip?
00:20:45No, no, I'm just helping
00:20:47Just a thanks then
00:20:51Instant coffee
00:20:52I liked your movie
00:20:54Well, no, I liked your role in it
00:21:00It's okay, you can say it's crap
00:21:02It is
00:21:02No, no, it's not crap
00:21:03It's just
00:21:04It's unusual
00:21:06It's time-traveling gangsters
00:21:07So
00:21:09But it's up for best picture
00:21:10And it's probably going to get the Oscar qualifying spot
00:21:12So what do I know?
00:21:14Alan
00:21:14That's your name, right?
00:21:16The festival director's son
00:21:19Tug Speedman's a hack
00:21:20And worse, a hack with a father with money
00:21:23The writer's inspiration for Gods of Shoreditch
00:21:26Was a story with strong female characters
00:21:28Who brought about the end of the world of men
00:21:30Instead, Tug turned a brilliant script
00:21:33Into a wannabe gangster action movie
00:21:35With so much nudity
00:21:37It could have been set in ancient Rome
00:21:40Oh, I mean, I thought that it was
00:21:42Sorry, darling
00:21:42Body doubles for those scenes
00:21:44Oh, no, no, I wasn't being weird
00:21:46I was just
00:21:46Alan, it's fine
00:21:47I limit who sees me naked
00:21:49Including Tug
00:21:52Oh, you thought
00:21:54Alan, no
00:21:55Hasn't been like that for a very long time
00:21:57Tug, I imagine, is currently down in the bar
00:22:00Flirting with any tart
00:22:01Unlucky enough to be with an earshot
00:22:10I know his father paid for the movie to win
00:22:12And I'm fine with it
00:22:13Oh
00:22:16Alan?
00:22:17Yes
00:22:20Do you want a coffee?
00:22:26That's my dad
00:22:27I should
00:22:28I didn't see him, Lance
00:22:29Is everything okay?
00:22:32Complicated
00:22:32But
00:22:34Yeah
00:23:00Hello, Alan
00:23:03You all right?
00:23:04Um
00:23:04Yeah
00:23:05All good
00:23:06The Abduthe kit is here
00:23:07Okay
00:23:14Yes
00:23:15We made a movie called Sex
00:23:28At first
00:23:29There was nothing
00:23:31Then
00:23:31There was woman
00:23:44So the role of the woman
00:23:46Is the sole provider
00:23:47The one given the pain
00:23:49Is the only one that can take it away
00:23:51My role is to assist of clients
00:23:53But I'm also an actress
00:23:54Oh
00:23:55Not again with that stupid werewolf movie
00:23:57With Rachel
00:24:00Rachel
00:24:00Rachel was amazing to work with
00:24:03And you too
00:24:04Yeah
00:24:04But
00:24:06Both equally
00:24:06Yeah, of course
00:24:08Do you know what?
00:24:09Whatever, I don't care
00:24:10Anyway
00:24:10Can somebody take this off, please?
00:24:24You have 12 finalists
00:24:26In your festival this year
00:24:28Yes
00:24:29They are the final 12
00:24:31The opening ceremony is tonight
00:24:32And there will be a party
00:24:36Not quite a party person
00:24:40Each film has been individually assessed
00:24:43And announced within the required time period
00:24:46Yes
00:24:47No formal queries from the other candidates
00:24:49And my father has done all of the assessments
00:24:54Your father
00:24:55Yes
00:24:57Spoke to him many times
00:24:59On the phone
00:25:00Never met
00:25:02Where is he?
00:25:05Currently sorting out
00:25:07Something or other
00:25:08You know what these crazy filmmakers are like
00:25:21I'm absolutely mortified
00:25:23I didn't mind really
00:25:24It was kind of fun
00:25:26A bunch of kids, them too
00:25:27Honestly
00:25:36Very amusing
00:25:38My preference is to sit
00:25:41Near the back
00:25:43And on the aisle
00:25:44For each showing
00:25:45Yes, we can accommodate that
00:25:47Your father is the signatory for the festival
00:25:51Have him speak to me at his earliest convenience
00:25:54Of course
00:25:55No problem
00:25:57Would you excuse me?
00:25:58I need to go and sort out a thing
00:26:01Thank you
00:26:50As if
00:26:51He's like some old guy
00:26:54You play your cards right
00:26:56I might just let you audition for me sometime
00:26:59So obviously networking is the best part of these events
00:27:03Before Tug realises I'm a tease
00:27:05His next movie will already be out starring me
00:27:08I thought you might be hungry
00:27:14Thank you
00:27:15But the breakfast is meant to be for the film contestants
00:27:20But yeah, they're not going to miss it, are they?
00:27:22The adjudicated by your story?
00:27:24Mm-hmm
00:27:25Cheers
00:27:26Ah
00:27:27How is your father doing?
00:27:29Still in the hospital
00:27:30And I think
00:27:31I think
00:27:31Tug Speedman might just kill me when he finds out
00:27:34So have you
00:27:35I always wanted to be an actress then
00:27:37Come on, move along, Romeo
00:27:39There's a cue here
00:27:42I'll talk to you later
00:27:47You seem to be doing okay so far
00:27:49Just a few more days
00:27:50Tug will be happy once he gets his coveted academy place
00:27:53Do you like working with him?
00:27:55You don't work with Tug
00:27:57You experience the carnage he leaves in his wake
00:28:00You get used to the crazy after a few years
00:28:02Yeah, I was going to pitch my film to him
00:28:04The God Particle
00:28:06Yeah, I optioned the third book
00:28:07But I tell you what
00:28:09An award-nominated actress would look great on the cast list
00:28:12This is a shit business, Alan
00:28:14You can do your best performance
00:28:15And some hack director fumbles the ball in the edit
00:28:19Hey, no
00:28:19Your character Joe Marsh in Gods of Shortage was amazing
00:28:22Tets and Arse don't make a movie
00:28:24At least my body double had a good bum
00:28:30The God Particle
00:28:31Is a black ops super soldier
00:28:35Who seeks vengeance after they have been betrayed on a mission gone terribly wrong
00:28:39Good pitch
00:28:40Yeah, but without Esme Presley in it
00:28:43It's just another silly spy adventure
00:28:48Actually, can you just give me a full second, please?
00:28:53Alan!
00:28:54My man!
00:28:55How are we?
00:28:56Right, are we all set for my screening?
00:28:57Yes, of course
00:28:59Emmett?
00:28:59Emmett, yes
00:29:00Yes, no, it's only because I heard there were some technical issues
00:29:03Who told you that?
00:29:04No, never mind
00:29:05No, everything's fine
00:29:06We're good to go
00:29:07Perfect
00:29:07So yeah, we made a horror movie
00:29:09Yes, I play a maid
00:29:11Don't you play a maid in Jade's movie too?
00:29:14Typecasting is a good thing
00:29:16Do you actually watch the movies?
00:29:17Have you seen mine?
00:29:18It's got Rachel on it
00:29:19No, my dad watches the films
00:29:20It's more his thing
00:29:21Of course
00:29:22Hi
00:29:23Hey
00:29:24Um, the breakfasts
00:29:25Breakfasts are actually just for the film candidates
00:29:28So, er
00:29:28I appreciate it
00:29:29Yeah
00:29:30Yeah, no, so that, that, that means
00:29:32Sorry
00:29:34But what if I was a film contestant?
00:29:39Okay, okay, look
00:29:41If you want to go, like, just, like, wait in the lobby
00:29:43And wait till they're all gone
00:29:44I'll come give you a shout
00:29:45And
00:29:45Had they print the application form from the library
00:29:47That was a nightmare while I had ink
00:29:50So, like, sorry
00:29:50I ain't taking a blame for that
00:29:53Hang on, you've made a movie?
00:29:55Sure
00:29:55Just like all the cats up in this geth
00:29:58It's a personal story
00:29:59A flick about living on the streets
00:30:01Mike in your face
00:30:04That's, that, that's actually really impressive
00:30:06I'm not sure how you'd do that
00:30:08Check it
00:30:09Shot on a phone
00:30:10Edited at a library
00:30:12The equipment was 90s
00:30:13But it's all good
00:30:15Er, well, that, that is all good
00:30:18But, um, the applications closed, uh, two months ago now, so
00:30:23Understands completely
00:30:24But listen here
00:30:25I ain't interested in what you're selling
00:30:26For me
00:30:27This is a golden opportunity of honest food
00:30:29And a bed for the night
00:30:32Please, I, I, I really don't know how else to say this
00:30:35But all of the final films have been announced
00:30:39We can't add this
00:30:41That's how it is
00:30:43Sorry, what's your name?
00:30:45Mike
00:30:46Iron Mike
00:30:47Wow, intimidating name
00:30:49It's cause where I'm bedding down
00:30:50I have, like, three iron baths tied together
00:30:52So Iron Mike
00:30:54Makes perfect sense
00:30:55Listen
00:30:57Alan's gonna take your application
00:30:59Because he's good at problem solving
00:31:00And he very much wants to impress me
00:31:04I'm so, I don't know, I was thinking
00:31:05What, what's that?
00:31:07Simple
00:31:07You did a very kind thing for a homeless man
00:31:09And it did impress me
00:31:10Okay, yeah, that is very nice
00:31:12But all the films have already been announced, Esme
00:31:14I don't think he cares
00:31:17Morning
00:31:17Oh, shit
00:31:18I, I mean, morning
00:31:21Your father down for breakfast
00:31:23Uh, you know, he was
00:31:25But he's an early riser
00:31:26So you know how it is
00:31:27We're just going to meet him now
00:31:29The signatory is a very important part of the process
00:31:33Of course
00:31:40I played Lord Harrington of Morta
00:31:47Beast must die
00:31:52Whatever you think's best
00:31:58I'm now unarmed
00:32:00And I'll prevent you from doing your duty
00:32:06Maybe she should kill us both
00:32:10You've been bitten, mistress
00:32:15The wolf
00:32:19Courses
00:32:20Through my veins
00:32:23Run
00:32:27So yeah
00:32:28It's a movie with a werewolf in it
00:32:30His sister hates that we're together
00:32:34In the movie
00:32:35Look
00:32:37I spent a lot of time and energy
00:32:39Into this ending
00:32:40And trust me
00:32:42Once people see what we've done here
00:32:45It's best film winners might
00:32:47Ours
00:32:49And everyone that was in the movie
00:32:51Ooooooh
00:33:29Agnes, I just...
00:33:31I'm sorry for frightening you, Lady Harrington.
00:33:38Callum, go back to the house.
00:33:42Elizabeth...
00:33:45Now!
00:34:10No, no, not now!
00:34:13Everyone look into the...
00:34:20God damn it!
00:34:21No one saw the ending!
00:34:33I'm here.
00:34:38It was just an outer shit show.
00:34:41I was pretty awesome as the maid.
00:34:53Are you okay?
00:35:05Are you fucking kidding me?!
00:35:08Did you just leave and come back so you could do that?
00:35:11Take some water.
00:35:13Fuck water! I want some fucking cocaine!
00:35:17Oh, fuck.
00:35:19Just call my fucking sponsor.
00:35:23You.
00:35:25Is your pathetic father gonna make it or not?
00:35:28Tell me.
00:35:28Uh, I don't know, but I'm obviously hoping.
00:35:32It's not his fault.
00:35:34Oh!
00:35:36Of course you knew!
00:35:38Everybody knows except poor old Tug!
00:35:41It wasn't like that.
00:35:43Look, as long as the adjudicator doesn't find out, we're fine.
00:35:46We're fine.
00:35:47We're fine.
00:35:49We're fine.
00:35:50We're fine.
00:35:51Until he visits your poor little Siebel dad on his fucking deathbed!
00:35:56Tug, his father's still alive.
00:35:58Take that back!
00:35:59I'll tell you one thing, boyo.
00:36:01He's not gonna be alive when my dad gets his hands on him.
00:36:04Or if you make this go catch up!
00:36:11You.
00:36:13I'm going to the bar.
00:36:15Fuck my sponsor.
00:36:36Really?
00:36:37I thought you had to call your sponsor.
00:36:42You didn't drink it.
00:36:44Well, you thought about it.
00:36:46And you promised.
00:36:49Go away, Esme.
00:36:51I'm not cleaning up after you again.
00:36:55Well, do you know what, Mom?
00:36:57Do you know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas?
00:37:00A nice big wooden cross.
00:37:02So next time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices,
00:37:07you can climb on up there and nail yourself to it.
00:37:17Lucas.
00:37:34Yes, the movie did well. We are very proud.
00:37:46The adjudicator, of course, he picks the winner.
00:37:50You are good, right?
00:37:52Yes, you are good.
00:37:53That is not correct.
00:37:55He's just an official. Gabriel chose the winner.
00:37:58I know Alan, and I hope we have made a big impression on him and his father Gabriel.
00:38:04We do rap movie next.
00:38:25There was a lot of nudity in Gods.
00:38:29Yes, well, nudity was very important in our story of Gods of Shoreditch.
00:38:34But some were more comfortable than others.
00:38:39I think sometimes nudity is considered controversial in some cultures
00:38:44because it challenges the standards of modesty.
00:38:48Yes, exactly. Nudity, it's a state of mind.
00:38:53I'll happily wander around the house all day with no clothes on,
00:38:56just let it all hang out.
00:38:58Feel that breeze.
00:39:00It's quite liberating.
00:39:03Would I be shallow if I said size doesn't matter?
00:39:11It's perfectly adequate.
00:39:18Is it true that it's all a farce?
00:39:21I don't really know.
00:39:23Well, you seem very close with Alan.
00:39:26He must have told you something.
00:39:28This is starting to feel like an intervention.
00:39:30Or maybe an interrogation.
00:39:32It's because everyone is hiding something.
00:39:35Esme, we're just curious.
00:39:38This festival is really important to us.
00:39:41We have vested interest.
00:39:44Look, I don't want to speak out of turn,
00:39:47and I understand that you guys are anxious,
00:39:50but really you have to speak to Alan about this.
00:39:52Oh, we will. Don't you worry about that.
00:39:58The mountain has arrived.
00:40:01You know we all know that you're here.
00:40:03Can you help with this please?
00:40:05They know Alan.
00:40:06You might as well just tell me the truth.
00:40:08The truth will set you free.
00:40:10Okay.
00:40:11I've spoken to my dad in the hospital.
00:40:13He is getting better.
00:40:14It is a question of whether he can do the sign off though.
00:40:17No, he can't.
00:40:19Not while he's in hospital.
00:40:20What's the sign off?
00:40:22The festival director has to sign off on the adjudicator's paperwork.
00:40:26Can't Alan do that?
00:40:28Are you the festival director, Alan?
00:40:30No, I'm...
00:40:31Yeah, not the festival director then.
00:40:34What's that smell?
00:40:37Listen, monkey boy.
00:40:39I swear to God and the Sonny Jesus,
00:40:42if you don't find a solution,
00:40:44I'm going to drop kick your head.
00:40:46And I've done seven days.
00:40:48Intensive stage combat.
00:40:50You watch yourself.
00:41:03Forget the gold particle this is producing.
00:41:06Oh yeah, just without the money or the credit.
00:41:09You'll cut out for greater things.
00:41:11Yeah, well you clearly haven't met my dad.
00:41:13He's going to kill my movie.
00:41:16Still living in his shadow, just like Tug.
00:41:18Be thou known self, be true.
00:41:20Yeah, well that's really easy for you to say.
00:41:22You're an award winning actress with a string of movie titles behind you and I'm just...
00:41:25And you're currently a festival director.
00:41:29Ah, yeah I see.
00:41:30Trying to sway influence with the festival director to try and win an award.
00:41:33It's not going to work.
00:41:35Oh my, what's a girl got to do?
00:41:39Mate, borrow your shaver?
00:41:42Yeah, sure, whatever you need.
00:41:44Keep that towel on and I'll cut your hair.
00:41:48Outdoor cleaning service?
00:41:49For sure.
00:41:51Mike, can we grab a look at your movie?
00:41:54Sure.
00:41:55It's your funeral.
00:42:04Well, this is it.
00:42:06This is where I or Mike is staying the night.
00:42:11Because I did have three iron bathtubs.
00:42:13They were all tied together.
00:42:15And it was really, really, really good.
00:42:17Always get a wee check on the buns because you just don't know what's in these buns.
00:42:22Mike, this is good.
00:42:26And phone boxes.
00:42:29Always keep your eye out for them.
00:42:30A lot of people miss them.
00:42:32It's really good.
00:42:33It's really good.
00:42:51Fuck.
00:43:12You...
00:43:13You calm down, ya.
00:43:17Phoenix?
00:43:18Help yourself, you usually do.
00:43:21I wake up this morning and you're gone.
00:43:23I didn't think you'd notice they're intensely snoring.
00:43:28I'm at a loss here, Esme.
00:43:30What's going on?
00:43:33Do you remember the little talk me and you had?
00:43:35I support you, you support me.
00:43:39That's all I ever do is support you.
00:43:42Yeah, well you've been missing an action all weekend.
00:43:46I've been here all this time.
00:43:48The question is, where have you been?
00:43:51Clever.
00:43:52How's that working out for you?
00:43:56That's the thing about relationships.
00:43:59They give you reason to live.
00:44:02Revenge.
00:44:04Hey, hey, do you remember this?
00:44:07I've heard there was a secret chord.
00:44:10No.
00:44:11That David played, it pleased the Lord.
00:44:14But you don't really care for movies, do ya?
00:44:19It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth.
00:44:23Sit down!
00:44:24The major falls, the minor lifts.
00:44:27The baffled king composing hallelujah.
00:44:34No?
00:44:36Those old cheap moves aren't going to work on me anymore.
00:44:38I've got plenty of new cheap moves for you.
00:44:41How are you going to face all these people when they find out you paid for the award?
00:44:45The question is, babe.
00:44:48Do you feel paid for?
00:45:01Esme!
00:45:06That's bad GG, mate.
00:45:07You need to let her take a moment.
00:45:08But she's upset!
00:45:11Having your bridges burn is never going to be easy.
00:45:13But she's strong.
00:45:27I think he's better from an older person.
00:45:31But this is your fault, Jess.
00:45:33You were in a fucking movie!
00:45:35She was very giving as an actress.
00:45:38Okay, can one of you please just tell me what's going on?
00:45:43Rachel can't do it.
00:45:45We forgot Jade posted on Rachel's socials that she was so bitchy she's probably playing the werewolf.
00:45:51Why?
00:45:52Because it was my role!
00:46:00Wow, what a transformation.
00:46:04Hey, got myself some new threads.
00:46:09It's going to be a long night.
00:46:24I mean, this is getting ridiculous.
00:46:29Sorry.
00:46:30Caroline, hi!
00:46:31Um, wow.
00:46:33Hey, Alan.
00:46:35Can I be the most beautiful girl in the world?
00:46:38Uh, uh, Caroline, wow.
00:46:41What are you doing here?
00:46:43I mean, I'm glad that you are, but...
00:46:45Why?
00:46:47Seems most men take advantage.
00:46:50Except you, of course.
00:46:52Giggles was a mistake.
00:46:55I'll still do your announcements.
00:46:57If you want me.
00:46:59Really?
00:47:00Oh, Caroline, absolutely.
00:47:01That'd be amazing.
00:47:02Yes, yes, thank you.
00:47:03Thank you so much.
00:47:05Wow, slaying it, Mike.
00:47:07Nobody even seen a man on a suit.
00:47:10Ah, she's just getting a bit excited.
00:47:12At a film show today.
00:47:14Malicious intent, gangster comedy.
00:47:16Has malicious intent even got a chance?
00:47:19Well, it's a lower budget than Tugs film, but hopefully we spent the money where it really mattered.
00:47:25We got the secret ingredient.
00:47:27Me? I'm the secret ingredient.
00:47:30Well, look, when Millie was ten, we'd done a short film together called Daddy's Girl.
00:47:37Those clips are a springboard for malicious intent. It's like the story picks up from that point.
00:47:45She was much cuter then. Not such a pain in the arse.
00:47:52Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's going to grow up to be famous,
00:47:57so just make yourself available.
00:47:59Oh, don't be a top.
00:48:00Well, I wish it was Beyonce.
00:48:06I've been looking for you.
00:48:08Found me.
00:48:09Well, I thought maybe you wanted some space.
00:48:11Good choice.
00:48:13Or you could just kill all the girls prettier than me.
00:48:15Or maybe just tug. Sorry.
00:48:20Where are all the good guys, Dad? In the heart or in the head?
00:48:24You think I'm a good guy?
00:48:27Well, when your instinct tells you to do something, you don't do it.
00:48:30So maybe when it tells you not to, that's when you should.
00:48:35Oh.
00:48:37Read the room, Alan. This is the consensual kissing part.
00:48:43Uh...
00:48:44Caroline's back.
00:48:50Your ex that caught with your best friend, Caroline?
00:48:53Yeah. She wants to present the awards.
00:48:57That's good, I guess. Great for you.
00:48:59Well, the whole thing with giggles was a mistake.
00:49:01I mean, I always thought so, but I guess she's realised it too, so...
00:49:05Yeah, no, great. So pleased to be here.
00:49:09Are you okay?
00:49:10Yeah, just peachy.
00:49:12Learning lessons all the time.
00:49:15Right, um...
00:49:16Sorry, just one second. Thank you.
00:49:20Oh, my God.
00:49:22Oh, my God.
00:49:24Oh, my God.
00:49:30Ladies and gentlemen, I would be happy to present our next film, Malicious Intent.
00:49:36No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
00:49:45Um...
00:49:47My...
00:49:47Apologies.
00:49:49There will now be a short interval as I need a word with the Festival Director.
00:49:56Young man.
00:49:58This is totally irregular.
00:50:01My paperwork should have been signed and she mailed off this morning.
00:50:07Look, I understand. He's...
00:50:09He's just busy.
00:50:10He fobbed me off with that before.
00:50:12Where is your father?
00:50:14He is Festival Director.
00:50:15Fully understand.
00:50:16Uh, end of the next movie, he'll be here.
00:50:18Yeah, listen, young man.
00:50:20This might seem like a game to you, but it's also my job.
00:50:24And I don't like explaining to my line managers that I can't manage a simple task such as getting a...
00:50:31Signature!
00:50:33Stand on me. I will sort it.
00:50:37It's our big day.
00:50:40Uh, yeah. It is.
00:51:03I cursed them to hell as her both thought the swell.
00:51:08Our ship danced like a moth in the firelight.
00:51:13Wild horses rode high as the devil passed by.
00:51:17Taking souls into Hades by twilight.
00:51:23Five weeks out to sea, we were now forty-three.
00:51:28We buried our comrades each morning.
00:51:31In our own slime, we were lost in the time.
00:51:36Endless night we were dawning.
00:51:43Oh, I wish I was back home in Derry.
00:51:49Oh, I wish I was...
00:51:55So, essentially, it's like a black ops agent.
00:51:57Oh! Oh! Caroline, you have to meet our president movie star, Esme Presley!
00:52:02Today everyone's a star. They're all billed as Star Rangle.
00:52:05Also starring without earning that recognition.
00:52:08Caroline, you're back.
00:52:10From outer space.
00:52:12I notice you cry a lot in your films.
00:52:15Your tear ducts must be very close to your bladder.
00:52:18Has Alan talked you into the presenting?
00:52:20All these best actress nominees and I'm just thinking,
00:52:23shut up and get a salad.
00:52:25Uh, so, um, Caroline thinks that we should just come clean with your adjudicator.
00:52:30Not the best idea.
00:52:32Is that your own thought or do you need a screenwriter?
00:52:37Caroline, we should be friends.
00:52:40Yes, I agree. Best friends.
00:52:46I think that ending needs work.
00:52:47How about less silly questions and a bit more shut the hell up?
00:52:51How did you make her look younger in the film? Was that computer stuff?
00:52:56This is a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
00:53:00I ain't saying anything.
00:53:01So then, your, er, your style's clearly more...
00:53:05Gangster than it is horror.
00:53:07Hey, that character played Dudley in your movie?
00:53:10He was awesome.
00:53:15Joy.
00:53:17Alright, ladies and gentlemen, our next film is...
00:53:22Sex.
00:53:24Have fun.
00:53:28Time to go.
00:53:31Have fun.
00:53:43Bye.
00:53:44Bye, guys.
00:53:48Bye, bye.
00:53:49Bye, bye.avi's
00:53:51back, bye. Bye,
00:53:55bye, bye. Bye,
00:53:58Time don't wait for no one
00:54:02There's no escape from what I must do
00:54:06Turn around and bend over
00:54:09I can't wait forever
00:54:13I think it's time to leave
00:54:16I'm young, I'm all dressed up
00:54:19I'm on my way to marry the asexual awakening
00:54:22And there's two hundred and ninety years separating it from the films of Kevin Smith
00:54:26But that doesn't mean it's true
00:54:32If time don't wait for no one
00:54:37How can I wait for you
00:54:42Tough love
00:54:43Tough love
00:54:44The cars are on the table
00:54:47Is complete love
00:54:49Is complete love
00:55:02Didn't fancy sex then?
00:55:04It was beauty that killed the beast
00:55:07Malicious intent should be good competition for Tug
00:55:10It might blindside him
00:55:13We can hope so
00:55:14But look, I'm probably the most non-competitive person here
00:55:17So I win
00:55:20Secrets and lies
00:55:23Come with me
00:55:28This is bang out of order
00:55:29Have you any idea how much shit I went through to get the day off today?
00:55:33This ain't my day job you know
00:55:35It's not Alan's fault
00:55:37Well this does land squarely on Alan's door
00:55:40I was thinking
00:55:41I was thinking
00:55:42Since no one saw the ending of my film
00:55:44Can we screen it again maybe?
00:55:48Look at you, all of you
00:55:50No problem is too big
00:55:52We can't fix it if we work together
00:55:54What's that?
00:55:54Esme
00:55:55You're beautiful
00:55:56On the inside
00:55:57But it's important you understand your limitations
00:56:00Alan
00:56:02What I'm saying is
00:56:03If anyone actually saw the ending of the film
00:56:05Then people would know that my character disguises itself as older
00:56:08I will play your dad
00:56:10And I will sign off this whole festival
00:56:16What?
00:56:16Go on
00:56:18Go on
00:56:18Go range
00:56:21Him
00:56:23I can't play Gabriel
00:56:25That accent's incredibly tricky
00:56:27If you don't do it then all of this is over for everyone
00:56:32Hello son
00:56:33How are you?
00:56:35God this has disaster written all over it
00:56:38Something is missing
00:56:40Could be range
00:56:42The meanness
00:56:44Yeah Gabriel is an asshole
00:56:47Oi
00:56:48I'm not happy
00:56:49And I don't like it
00:56:50Oh my god
00:56:53Esme
00:56:54Is my foot scrub in there?
00:56:58Yes it's gotta be brilliant
00:57:02And bring me a razor as well will ya?
00:57:22You've been blowing hot and cold at me all day
00:57:25Everything's fine in my world
00:57:28You might wanna tell your face that
00:57:31This is a big day for us
00:57:33You bought the award tug
00:57:35Hardly meritable
00:57:37I read a book about this once
00:57:38You sure it was a book?
00:57:40You sure it wasn't nothing?
00:57:41This is show business
00:57:43Not care business
00:57:46You're like all the worst parts of a girlfriend
00:57:49And do you not wanna meet a producer?
00:57:52And just for that, when the movie comes out
00:57:55I'm gonna get Matt Damon to play you
00:57:57Oh
00:57:58Well maybe I'll get Jade to play you then
00:58:01Jade?
00:58:02Yeah, your new producing partner
00:58:06A little girl on girl action
00:58:10I'm joking
00:58:12Unless
00:58:13Unless you're your friend
00:58:22Jeez, I was only joking
00:58:24It's not a joke
00:58:25I'm feeling lost
00:58:27Hey
00:58:28I've heard there was a secret chord
00:58:30Stop
00:58:31That Michael played to please the Lord
00:58:33Stop!
00:58:34Stop her
00:58:36If I explained it I think I'd only confuse you
00:58:41Do you know what?
00:58:43I think it's times like this
00:58:44If I wasn't a multi-award win and talented filmmaker
00:58:48And you were just an ordinary girl
00:58:50Then we wouldn't have these problems
00:58:53On Gods of Shoreditch I was supposed to be an associate producer
00:58:57But in reality I was more of a dog's body
00:59:00Seriously, this again
00:59:02I told you
00:59:03It's whatever it takes to get this shot
00:59:09Look
00:59:10You can produce the next one in full
00:59:13Yeah, my dad's already on board
00:59:15Take that back
00:59:17And I'll kill you
00:59:19You're the producer
00:59:22Game face on
00:59:24Hooray for Hollywood
00:59:37When you hold the bloody lift?
00:59:39Oh, didn't I?
00:59:43Come on
00:59:44Yeah
00:59:49Oh God
00:59:50Oh God
00:59:51Oh God
00:59:51Oh God
00:59:52Oh God
00:59:52Oh God
00:59:52Oh God
00:59:53Oh God
00:59:53Oh God
00:59:54Oh God
00:59:55Oh God
00:59:55Oh God
00:59:57Oh God
01:00:09Are you not going to change for the paparazzi shorts?
01:00:12It's not really my thing.
01:00:13Besides, Gabriel would wear something like this, right?
01:00:16No, I've got a bad feeling about this.
01:00:18Listen, son, I've got this old routine work there.
01:00:21No routine, okay? This isn't an audition.
01:00:23Just say hello and then sign the pissing document.
01:00:26Where's your wife?
01:00:27I think we should just come clean.
01:00:30Hello, you must be the adjudicator.
01:00:34My son, Alan, has been telling me all about you.
01:00:38Sorry for being a bit busy.
01:00:40This film festival malarkey kept me on my toes.
01:00:43Yes, seems to have ramped up a notch with the screening of Gods of Shoreditch.
01:00:48One of my personal favourites?
01:00:50Um, now that you're here, my paperwork needs a signature.
01:00:59Absolutely. Happy to. Thank you.
01:01:06Oh, sorry. Forgot who I was there for a second.
01:01:11Is that a what?
01:01:14I'll need a final signing off when the winners are announced.
01:01:20Your accent seems off.
01:01:26Uh, it's...
01:01:28It's push voice.
01:01:30A push telephone voice.
01:01:32Yeah.
01:01:33I should use it all the time, really.
01:01:36Right.
01:01:37Your Honour, may I show you to the next screening?
01:01:46You know, my movies are inherently amazing.
01:01:50It's all about the big screen.
01:01:53And it's not easy being an action star.
01:02:02Shouldn't you be up there now that you're here?
01:02:06Yes. Uh, absolutely.
01:02:09He is such a star when it comes to these things.
01:02:17Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce to you Gods of Shoreditch.
01:02:25And it stars, big round of applause for it stars, Esme Presley and Tugs Beatman.
01:02:46Good entrance.
01:02:48You want to see the one I'm going to make when I, uh, win my award?
01:02:54What?
01:02:55No!
01:02:55Get out!
01:02:58Crazy filmmakers trying to draw attention to their film.
01:03:02I thought they were quite fun.
01:03:08You know, they do say I'm the new Robert Rodriguez.
01:03:10Except I star in my own movies as well.
01:03:13Maybe Robert was smarter.
01:03:21You fought well, despite the twisted ankle.
01:03:25You will live to fight another day.
01:03:28And I assure you, it is not serious.
01:03:30I took the liberty of feeling the bone.
01:03:34And it is perfectly sound.
01:03:36Oh, sir.
01:03:37How will I ever thank you?
01:03:39Please, do not think of it.
01:03:42It is my honor to serve you.
01:03:45Will you not be seated?
01:03:47Pray excuse me.
01:03:49I do not wish to leave a watermark.
01:03:54Permit me to call tomorrow afternoon.
01:03:57So that I may inquire after you.
01:04:05Fight hard.
01:04:06Fight for me.
01:04:14Alan's, er, pitching me some shitty book movie.
01:04:18The God Particle's the third book in a series.
01:04:22That guy.
01:04:24The Irish Connection.
01:04:25Masaka and Fucking Chips.
01:04:28Shit!
01:04:29That director is the worst.
01:04:32He couldn't even direct traffic.
01:04:34You know, they should have come to me, Thug Speedman.
01:04:39You know I'm right, babe.
01:04:55Fun and happiness in short supply?
01:04:57Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
01:05:00It's always difficult when one person moves on.
01:05:02Hmm.
01:05:04I spoke to Dad this morning.
01:05:06Er, he's recovering, but no mention of my movie, so...
01:05:10Nice guys doing it for themselves?
01:05:12Yeah.
01:05:15You're planning something that's going to get me in trouble, aren't you?
01:05:18Oh, most definitely.
01:05:42You best move out of the way and let me be.
01:05:44This is not how it works.
01:05:47Last time, stump boy!
01:05:49Oh, fuck.
01:05:50Ah!
01:05:56Ah!
01:05:58Ah!
01:05:59Ah!
01:06:00Ah!
01:06:00Ah!
01:06:01Ah!
01:06:01Ah!
01:06:02Ah!
01:06:03Ah!
01:06:03Ah!
01:06:04Ah!
01:06:04Ah!
01:06:05Ah!
01:06:05Ah!
01:06:06Ah!
01:06:06Ah!
01:06:09Ah!
01:06:10Ah!
01:06:10Ah!
01:06:11Ah!
01:06:12Ah!
01:06:19Alan?
01:06:23Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and praise.
01:06:26The buffet has been provided for yours truly.
01:06:29Fill your guts.
01:06:33You really don't have to do this.
01:06:35You know, they have a meal before their wards.
01:06:37These ain't for me.
01:06:54That went well.
01:06:55Thanks for that.
01:06:56What happened to the group?
01:06:58This is the best fun I've had all year.
01:07:06What's this?
01:07:08Naughty movies?
01:07:10Or my ransom demands?
01:07:13We have a late entry to the film festival.
01:07:18And I wanted you to experience it in my full company.
01:07:27Late entries are highly irregular.
01:07:36But this could be a lot of fun.
01:07:40Well, this is it.
01:07:42This is where Iron Mike is staying tonight.
01:07:46Because I did have three iron bathtubs.
01:07:49They were all tied together.
01:07:51And it was really, really, really good.
01:07:55I don't know what you want me to say.
01:07:58Mike's was the best film.
01:07:59I have no patience with best.
01:08:01I have no patience with fairness.
01:08:04Life is not fair.
01:08:05Love is not fair.
01:08:08And as long as we still breathe the air of a free capitalist society,
01:08:13business will never be fair.
01:08:18Sacrifice, Alan.
01:08:20Like the kamikaze pilots used to do.
01:08:23Yeah, that's a discomforting stay, isn't it?
01:08:25Hemorrhoids cause discomfort.
01:08:28This is open-heart surgery.
01:08:36Fuck the phone, Alan.
01:08:38You said I could produce.
01:08:40I will knock you the fuck out right here, right now.
01:08:44We did the right thing.
01:08:47Are you okay?
01:08:51Movie stars do not have opinions.
01:08:56Sorry, I know you're his dad.
01:08:58But Alan worked damn hard throughout this festival.
01:09:00And I suppose the bros code is over now, you fucking tugs wife.
01:09:05I think I'm done here.
01:09:09We're bloody ruins.
01:09:23Alan, you know what I'm going to say.
01:09:25Yes, I know, you're ending.
01:09:26But I'm not being funny.
01:09:27The only thing I care about ending is this festival.
01:09:29Eyes front.
01:09:31God, does making movies have to be all this difficult?
01:09:34I'm looking forward to this.
01:09:35Who's doing your presentation?
01:09:37Hope is a surprise.
01:09:38Oh, me too.
01:09:39If she shows up.
01:09:41Hmm?
01:09:42Hmm.
01:09:43I do love surprises.
01:09:57Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our wonderful guest speaker,
01:10:01Caroline Doherty.
01:10:08So very glad to be here this evening amongst all the wonderful filmmakers and stars.
01:10:16To be a filmmaker, you have to be psychotic in your desire to do something.
01:10:21For the first category, best actress in a feature film, Millie Ward.
01:10:28Millie Ward in Malicious Attack.
01:10:33Esme Presley in Gods of Shoreditch.
01:10:39And Fran Walsh in Hey Mr. DJ.
01:10:45And the winner is...
01:10:47This is just a start.
01:10:49Esme Presley.
01:10:55So very well done.
01:10:57I would like to show my immense gratitude to all of the team involved in Gods.
01:11:09And for our first Best Picture nominee, we have Hey Mr. DJ.
01:11:15You didn't think to tank me, the man who made it all happen.
01:11:18A film about a time in the 90s where DJs were gods and gangsters ruled the streets.
01:11:25Your ego will be strict enough tonight.
01:11:27Let's have a look.
01:11:34What'd you throw up there?
01:11:36Just some bags I was storing stuff in.
01:11:41Right, get yourself freshened up.
01:11:42Got a great place for us to go to.
01:11:44Oscar, I'm not feeling up to it.
01:11:45Hey!
01:11:46You're single now, remember?
01:11:47Half an hour off.
01:11:50And the next category is Best Newcomer nominees.
01:11:55Lynn Chang for Opera in the Evening Garden.
01:11:59Millie Ward for Malicious Intent.
01:12:02And Jess Bronski in Mysterious.
01:12:07And the winner is Millie Ward in Malicious Intent.
01:12:17Oh my god, I don't even know what to say.
01:12:19Thank you so much to the festival.
01:12:22Thank you so much to everyone that I've met.
01:12:25And if you would like to come for drinks afterwards, then meet me at 7th.
01:12:31She knows how proud I am of her, doesn't you?
01:12:34Hey, I was nervous and I got one.
01:12:37I mean, it looks like roughly the right shape.
01:12:40I mean, it's going to save me a tonne of barries.
01:12:43And our next Best Film nominee is for Malicious Intent.
01:13:04And the next category is Best Editing nominees.
01:13:08We have Emmett Bronski in Mysterious, Target's Evening for Gods of Shoreditch.
01:13:17George Chang for Opera in the Evening Garden.
01:13:21And the winner is...
01:13:24Well, this is a vindication considering no one saw the ending.
01:13:28And our third Best Film nominee is Gods of Shoreditch,
01:13:32a story about time-travelling gangsters.
01:13:36By night one way, by day another, this shall be the norm.
01:13:40Until you take true love's first kiss, and love takes its true form.
01:13:50But there's no one else!
01:13:54In a rather exciting category, Best Actor nominees.
01:13:58We have George Chang in Opera in the Evening Garden.
01:14:04And Shraff Ward in Malicious Intent.
01:14:09Todd Speedman in Gods of Shoreditch.
01:14:16And the winner is...
01:14:17Todd Speedman.
01:14:20Gutted, mate.
01:14:22Proper gutted.
01:14:24Honestly thought I was in with a shout.
01:14:27Me too.
01:14:29I was the best actor.
01:14:30And our fourth Best Film nominee...
01:14:34I didn't know nothing about no.
01:14:35Fourth nomination.
01:14:37...is a work of modern day art versus immense need.
01:14:41Now, let's have a look at Homelessness and The Man by Mike Reed.
01:14:46So there's certain things that you would do, well, certain things you look for.
01:14:49Like shopping centre.
01:14:51Pounds on the troughs.
01:14:52That's a pound, like...
01:14:54Pounds, like...
01:14:57Two hundred point.
01:14:59And we're down to the final award of the evening.
01:15:01Best overall film of the festival.
01:15:05And the winner is...
01:15:07Hardly a win if you paid for it.
01:15:11Mike Reed.
01:15:25Well, it looks like you might have just won best film in town.
01:15:29You're fucking...
01:15:30Thanks and everything.
01:15:32The beds are really comfortable.
01:15:38This isn't right.
01:15:40This fucking film wasn't even in the program.
01:15:43What the hell even is this fucking shit film?
01:15:46My daddy paid for all of this.
01:15:48What are you talking about?
01:15:50This was all paid for.
01:15:52No, not him.
01:15:54That's just a shit actor.
01:15:56This is outrageous.
01:15:57I knew something was wrong.
01:16:02I thought he was pretty convincing.
01:16:05You've falsified records.
01:16:07There may well be charges.
01:16:09What charges?
01:16:11No, no, no, please.
01:16:11All right, look, I'm sorry.
01:16:12This whole thing was my fault.
01:16:14Don't punish or charge anyone else.
01:16:16My dad, Gabriel, guy from the phone,
01:16:19had a massive heart attack.
01:16:21And he had so much money invested in this festival.
01:16:24And is Tug Speedman telling the truth?
01:16:27Technically, yes.
01:16:28Most of it was his money.
01:16:30His father's money.
01:16:31Yes, but we went with our hearts.
01:16:33And that's why Mike won Best Film.
01:16:36I don't judge the films.
01:16:38Merely here to make sure that the festival is run properly.
01:16:41From what you're telling me,
01:16:43this has been an absolute farce.
01:16:53Mr. Audjudicator, excuse me for interrupting.
01:16:56I have known Esme a long time.
01:16:59And, well, if my word has any bearing,
01:17:04Esme, she always speaks from her heart.
01:17:07Ms. Warren, I am a huge fan of your movies.
01:17:22And your words do carry significant weight.
01:17:27But this is an official matter.
01:17:30Hmm.
01:17:31I fully understand that.
01:17:35But if Esme says that Homeless Man is the best film,
01:17:42I would not disagree.
01:17:45Thank you, Rachel.
01:17:47You're welcome.
01:18:12Producers,
01:18:21Sometimes he's got to take the chances.
01:18:24Do you regret taking a chance on me?
01:18:26Who am I to argue with the producer?
01:18:32Do you miss Tuck?
01:18:35Wherever he is and whatever he's doing,
01:18:38let's just hope he's not missing us.
01:18:51Total submission, bitches.
01:18:54Is this going to hurt?
01:18:56True love is pain.
01:18:59True love is pain.
01:19:14True love is pain.
01:19:17True love is pain.
01:19:18True love is pain.
01:19:18True love is pain.
01:19:18True love is pain.
01:19:18True love is pain.
01:19:55Turnover and action.
01:20:02I'm not playing a streetwalker.
01:20:05It's a tarp with a heart.
01:20:07What a second rate streetwalker wearing an outfit like this.
01:20:09I'm first class, one best new come on.
01:20:11Just do it at Harry's Britain please, babe.
01:20:16Idiot.
01:20:19So you know the saying, never work with children or animals.
01:20:24Not me really.
01:20:26You're not my dear.
01:21:01I'm not my dear.
01:21:09I'm not my dear.
01:21:11I'm not my dear.
01:21:15I'm not my dear.
01:21:46Wooo!
01:21:46Wooo!
01:21:46can't be discovered without getting lost i never did thank you did i
01:21:56emmett
01:22:01i've got something for you oh god please do not kidnap me now you'll like this
01:22:10oh please he did it to himself we went back on his word
01:22:14you're welcome why did you just not leave us alone
01:22:21we told you time and time again but you still don't listen to you sister
01:22:30oh okay
01:22:43so
01:22:43You
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