- 3 hours ago
Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Hot 2026]Full EP - Full
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00:22:47I mean, the point is, it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:52I mean, isn't that what being a real man is? Huh?
00:22:55Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:59You know what?
00:23:01I'm sorry, Sandy, but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:05I'm getting married.
00:23:15Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:18Don't worry, honey. I'm on my way.
00:23:20Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:23If you don't walk through that door in seconds, I'm going to Phil Hartman your ass.
00:23:28Actually, you know what?
00:23:30I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:34Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:35You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:38Yeah, Anne, you're, uh, yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:40It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:43I'm going to fucking bars.
00:23:47We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:50Mr. Capshaw, just in time. Follow me.
00:23:53Now we're getting down to the wire here, so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:56This first one is a standard release form for the cameras and any promotional material we would use your likeness
00:24:01for.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:03This one absolves our company from any liability in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:07Incineration? Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:11We don't know yet. Maiden voyage and all.
00:24:13Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:15This next one absolves our company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:19Oh. Does that happen a lot?
00:24:21Sometimes. People go space crazy.
00:24:24Jeez, okay. Well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:27And this last one absolves our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:32and shoots you or something.
00:24:32Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:34You know, I don't know the answer to that, but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:37Oh, thank you so much. That would be great.
00:24:39But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:41Oh, sure. Right.
00:24:43And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:47He's looking at his daughter, but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:52Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:53Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:55Come on. You're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:58Cooter!
00:24:59Where is he?
00:25:00He's on TV. Nobody watch it.
00:25:02Hey, everybody. I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:06We can just power this thing up and...
00:25:09Cooter crossing the line.
00:25:11What is wrong with him?
00:25:12Oh, my god. He's bleeding.
00:25:14Somebody call 911.
00:25:16It's too late.
00:25:18Cooter, this man is...
00:25:19Look, everybody. Kyle's on TV.
00:25:22There he goes. Kyle Capshaw, the last passenger onto the shuttle.
00:25:25About to leave everyone on Earth for more.
00:25:28What?
00:25:29Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:32He's going to Mars.
00:25:42Hello, straggler.
00:25:43I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:45Welcome aboard.
00:25:49Pick up. Pick up.
00:25:51You better pick up.
00:25:57Burn.
00:25:59And we are approaching liftoff.
00:26:01Ten.
00:26:02Nine.
00:26:03Eight.
00:26:04Seven.
00:26:05Six.
00:26:07Five.
00:26:08Five.
00:26:11Two.
00:26:12One.
00:26:13Liftoff!
00:26:14Five.
00:26:31Okay.
00:26:33Artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:34Listen up, my fellow...
00:26:36astronauts.
00:26:37Whoa.
00:26:38First things first. When I call your name, come on up, get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little about yourself.
00:26:44What you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:48Todd Sullivan.
00:26:52My name's Todd. I think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves and, uh,
00:26:57fuck name tags.
00:26:58Oh, okay. Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:27:02But I did stay up all night making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:08Oh, okay. Well, I guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games.
00:27:13Okay, Wimmy, did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:16Uh, yeah.
00:27:18Okay, Kyle, now you take a card. Did you return his volley?
00:27:21It says, yeah.
00:27:23Oh, good. Okay, Wimmy, take another card. Did you return the volley?
00:27:27It says I missed.
00:27:28Oh, match point. Kyle, you get a reward card.
00:27:33Now, would you like surprise now or surprise later?
00:27:36Uh, I will take surprise later. You know, the commercials made future tennis seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:44And tennis-y.
00:27:45Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:47Well, if you guys are not feeling it, we could play future badminton, future hi-li, or future darts.
00:27:53Uh, you know, I'm good. I'm gonna go mingle.
00:28:01Hey, Peggy, right?
00:28:03Yes!
00:28:04You know, I don't want to be super negative right out the gate, but doesn't all of this seem a
00:28:07little less cool than they made it out to be?
00:28:10I mean, I sacrificed quite a lot to be here.
00:28:14Oh, what did you sacrifice?
00:28:16Well, I mean, I was actually supposed to get married today.
00:28:21Wow!
00:28:22Yeah, but I mean, we all have families and friends back on Earth that we just picked up and left
00:28:26for a month.
00:28:27Your friends will still be there for you when you get back?
00:28:30I don't know about that.
00:28:31Sure they will! I just told my friends,
00:28:34gang, I'll be back in a month!
00:28:36And then I left them 20 bowls of food, and I filled the bathtub with milk!
00:28:41What?
00:28:42They're drinking!
00:28:43I'm gonna assume that you're talking about cats here.
00:28:46You just left them with a bathtub filled with milk?
00:28:49Precisely!
00:28:50Peggy, it's June.
00:28:52That milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two.
00:28:55What do you mean?
00:28:56Well, I mean, that's all you left for your cats to drink.
00:29:00Yeah? What do you mean?
00:29:01Well, what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three and a half weeks with nothing to
00:29:06drink?
00:29:07What do you mean?
00:29:09Nothing. I... I don't mean anything.
00:29:12Anyway, like I said, your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back!
00:29:18Okay, friends, listen up.
00:29:21Loser!
00:29:22Okay, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
00:29:27Loser!
00:29:29The time has come for us to go into stasis.
00:29:32Now, this will be a chemical sleep that will make the next two weeks of travel feel like a two
00:29:36-hour cat nap.
00:29:37Woo!
00:29:38He said cats!
00:29:39Uh, is this gonna be like a shot or something?
00:29:41No.
00:29:42We will each be taking 500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:45Did you say 500?
00:29:47500?
00:29:53So we get some more water?
00:29:55Uh, no.
00:29:58Oh, God.
00:30:12I slept on my arm, weird.
00:30:14Oh, God.
00:30:16Does the aerobed have to flate it?
00:30:17Ah, my neck!
00:30:20Elrond, I'm having a little trouble moving my neck.
00:30:23How did I get over here?
00:30:24Well, after you guys took all those Ambien...
00:30:26Stop.
00:30:27What?
00:30:27Ambien?
00:30:28We took...
00:30:29We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:31Ha-ha.
00:30:31Pretty cool.
00:30:32Right, Todd?
00:30:33That's what stasis is?
00:30:34Isn't that how Lil' Peep died?
00:30:36Oh, good.
00:30:37Oh, wait.
00:30:38Oh, okay.
00:30:39You're just all going to take them off?
00:30:40Okay.
00:30:41Oh, hey.
00:30:41Did you guys...
00:30:42Did you guys notice my sign?
00:30:44It says,
00:30:45Welcome to Mars.
00:30:46A place for friends.
00:30:48Oh, that's...
00:30:49Yeah.
00:30:49That's cool, man.
00:30:51As you can see, I drew each one of us.
00:30:53Took me most of the two weeks here.
00:30:54Todd, what do you think?
00:30:55Uh, it sucks.
00:30:57It's stupid.
00:30:58You're stupid.
00:30:58You suck.
00:31:01Come on, Todd.
00:31:03Oh, here we go.
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:06in a few moments,
00:31:07the airlock door will open,
00:31:09and in front of the watching world,
00:31:11we will become the first people
00:31:13to step from this ship
00:31:14and see Mars with our own eyes.
00:31:23Oh, this is incredible.
00:31:34Gather around, gather around.
00:31:36Just want to lay down some ground rules
00:31:38for my fellow Martians.
00:31:42Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:44The first and most important rule is...
00:31:46Have fun.
00:31:47Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:48This is your vacation.
00:31:50Mars is for fun.
00:31:52The second rule is
00:31:53do not touch the airlock
00:31:54because it will kill you.
00:31:55Now, down that corridor
00:31:56are the sleeping pods.
00:31:57Go claim a room
00:31:58and be back here
00:31:59for our first Martian lunch
00:32:00at 1,400.
00:32:04Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:06Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:07I see that you were praying again.
00:32:09A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:11All right.
00:32:11So, uh...
00:32:12So what's your story?
00:32:14Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty
00:32:17on the inside,
00:32:18a proud father
00:32:18to five angelic children.
00:32:20I have type 2 diabetes
00:32:21and I don't believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:23What about you?
00:32:24Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:25which is cool.
00:32:27Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:29Little kids hate me.
00:32:29And, uh, I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:33Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:35That's why I'm here.
00:32:36I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:37I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:38into the first
00:32:39completely Christian planet.
00:32:41Okay, but there aren't
00:32:42any people on Mars.
00:32:44Aren't there?
00:32:46Oh, no.
00:32:49Bon appetit.
00:32:50Whoa.
00:32:52Elrond, did you make
00:32:54all this yourself?
00:32:54I had a little help
00:32:56from my good friend,
00:32:57murdered Midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager.
00:33:01One more time, Elrond?
00:33:02I said this meal
00:33:04was actually prepared
00:33:05by one murdered
00:33:06Midwestern homosexual teenager.
00:33:10It's an acronym.
00:33:11Its technical name is
00:33:12mechanical, ultra-responsive,
00:33:14dietary, electronic,
00:33:15robotic, energized,
00:33:16delivery, meal,
00:33:17interface, dietary,
00:33:17wellness, efficiency system,
00:33:19tactile, edible,
00:33:20responsorous, nutrition,
00:33:21home, or mobile,
00:33:22omnivorous, sustenance,
00:33:23expeditious,
00:33:23xenoculinary, user-aligned,
00:33:25lunch tool-enabled,
00:33:26eating-nourishment,
00:33:27aging, gastronomical,
00:33:28electronic robot.
00:33:29What?
00:33:30But that's a little bit
00:33:31of a mouthful,
00:33:32so we call it
00:33:32the murdered Midwestern
00:33:33homosexual teenager
00:33:34for short.
00:33:35That's really weird
00:33:37and offensive.
00:33:37I think that happened.
00:33:39This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:40prototype,
00:33:41but in a few years,
00:33:42Lord willing,
00:33:42every town from Chicago
00:33:44to New Orleans
00:33:44will have its own
00:33:45murdered Midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager.
00:33:48Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:49Yeah, some of those words
00:33:50seemed unnecessary.
00:33:51You said robotic twice.
00:33:53Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:54Take it up with the good people
00:33:55that the Holocaust
00:33:56was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:58I'm sorry, what?
00:33:59It's a company.
00:34:00It stands for
00:34:00Technological Human Electronics.
00:34:02Okay, okay,
00:34:02so how does this thing work?
00:34:04It's basically like
00:34:05a 3-D printer for food.
00:34:06You just say whatever
00:34:07you want it to make
00:34:08and it...
00:34:09Jaeger.
00:34:12Rad.
00:34:13You got to hit that shit
00:34:15when the DJ's on.
00:34:17Yeah, baby,
00:34:17wear my slip-pajama
00:34:19when the food is wrong.
00:34:20You got to hit that shit
00:34:22when they play your song.
00:34:24You got to hit that shit
00:34:25You got to hit that shit
00:34:26You got to hit that shit
00:34:28Oh, yeah.
00:34:29Oh, yeah.
00:34:40Oh, yeah.
00:34:44Whoa.
00:34:46Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:48Good morning.
00:34:49This is a surprise.
00:34:50Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:52Oh, well,
00:34:54are we sure you
00:34:55didn't get in my bed?
00:34:56Yep.
00:34:57This is my bed.
00:34:58Oh, well,
00:34:59last night was the first
00:35:00in 18 years
00:35:01that I didn't share my bed
00:35:02with my lovely
00:35:03on-the-inside wife.
00:35:04So in my sleep,
00:35:05I must have wandered over here,
00:35:06mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for hers.
00:35:09Okay, well,
00:35:12I'm going to get up.
00:35:1310-4, good buddy.
00:35:22There were good people
00:35:24on both sides
00:35:25of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:28They even put spaces in the...
00:35:29Fuck this company.
00:35:32Last night was fun.
00:35:35You know what, Peggy?
00:35:36Last night was fun.
00:35:38I think this is a really great group
00:35:40we got here.
00:35:40And it's cool
00:35:41that we're on Mars.
00:35:43And it's cool
00:35:44we're on Mars.
00:35:45You're right, Peggy.
00:35:46Fucking Mars.
00:35:48All right.
00:35:52Oh, boy.
00:35:53You know what
00:35:53that alarm means.
00:35:54It's time
00:35:55for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:57Okay, what's going on?
00:35:59What are we talking about?
00:36:00Your surprise.
00:36:01Surprise later
00:36:02from future tennis?
00:36:03Oh, right.
00:36:04Hey, wow,
00:36:05look at me.
00:36:06Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:07Now, I know
00:36:08the Martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:11but you've won something
00:36:12that's going to make
00:36:13this place
00:36:14feel a lot more like home.
00:36:16All right, okay.
00:36:18Lay it on me.
00:36:19Fun.
00:36:19Okay, Kyle.
00:36:21Say hello
00:36:22to your very own...
00:36:25Talk to me, baby.
00:36:26What do we got?
00:36:29Beyonce!
00:36:31What the fuck?
00:36:32What the fuck?
00:36:34Wait, how is...
00:36:35How, how, how is she here now?
00:36:37When you won future tennis,
00:36:39I asked if you wanted
00:36:39surprise now
00:36:40or surprise later.
00:36:42You said surprise later.
00:36:43She shouldn't be here.
00:36:44This is bad.
00:36:45Can we pause?
00:36:46Can we, can we pause
00:36:46for a second?
00:36:47Can we make the door
00:36:48go back up, please?
00:36:49No, Kyle.
00:36:50We have to get her
00:36:51out of there.
00:36:51That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:53They're very dangerous.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:54Oh, God.
00:36:55Oh, God.
00:36:55Fuck me.
00:36:56Fuck me.
00:36:56Oh, fuck.
00:36:57Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:58Hi, Pumpkin!
00:37:00Hi, Kyle.
00:37:03Hi.
00:37:04I'm Candace.
00:37:05Kyle's fiance.
00:37:06That's funny.
00:37:07Kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all.
00:37:08Yeah, I did.
00:37:09Yes, I know.
00:37:10I'm sure that I did.
00:37:11So this is, this is crazy.
00:37:13This is also surprising.
00:37:14How are you here?
00:37:15Well, when you chose
00:37:17surprise later,
00:37:18I knew we had to think
00:37:18of something really good
00:37:20for you.
00:37:20And as luck would have it,
00:37:22right then,
00:37:22Candace showed up
00:37:23at the launch pad
00:37:24and was going on and on
00:37:25about how much she needed
00:37:26to get up here
00:37:27and get to you.
00:37:28When I found out,
00:37:29I said,
00:37:30what the heck?
00:37:30Send her up in a supply pod.
00:37:32Nothing is more important
00:37:33than true love.
00:37:34That's so cool.
00:37:36What would have happened
00:37:37if he chose surprise now?
00:37:38He would have won
00:37:39$400,000.
00:37:42Oh, $400,000.
00:37:44Yeah.
00:37:46Uh, Candace,
00:37:47could we just have
00:37:48a little sidebar
00:37:49to kind of clear the air?
00:37:51Because, you know,
00:37:51I'm sensing a little
00:37:53hostility between us.
00:37:55I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:56Are you hostile?
00:37:57No, no, no.
00:37:58I just,
00:37:59I feel like you're in,
00:38:00I mean,
00:38:01I don't want to tell you
00:38:02how you feel,
00:38:02but I imagine
00:38:03that you would have
00:38:05the right
00:38:06to be
00:38:09frustrated with me.
00:38:10I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:12Yeah, but,
00:38:13um,
00:38:14you seem mad.
00:38:16I'm not mad.
00:38:17Are you mad?
00:38:18No, no, no.
00:38:18I'm not mad at all.
00:38:20Okay.
00:38:21Then we're not mad.
00:38:22Let's just drop it.
00:38:23Okay, yeah, yeah.
00:38:24Fine.
00:38:25I mean, it just,
00:38:26it seems kind of weird.
00:38:28You mother fucker!
00:38:29Help!
00:38:30She's gonna kill me!
00:38:31You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:35Okay, everyone.
00:38:36Seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting.
00:38:39We've had some rather
00:38:40unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:42I'm not going to name names.
00:38:44But I just want to really quickly
00:38:46go over some of the basics.
00:38:48First things first.
00:38:49This is the airlock.
00:38:51Earlier today,
00:38:52Kyle was suggesting
00:38:52that we leave someone
00:38:53in the airlock.
00:38:55Now, this is unsafe
00:38:56for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:57If you're in this thing
00:38:59without a spacesuit
00:38:59when the exterior door opens,
00:39:01the changing pressures
00:39:02could be fatal.
00:39:03Now, if you do have
00:39:05your spacesuit on
00:39:06and you're going to take a walk
00:39:07on the Martian surface,
00:39:08you would stand on this circle
00:39:09and give the voice command
00:39:11airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:14Oh!
00:39:15Airlock closed!
00:39:18Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:19Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:21Exterior door opening
00:39:23in 30 seconds.
00:39:25Okay.
00:39:26Luckily, we have
00:39:27a safeguard built in.
00:39:28If you happen to be stuck
00:39:29inside the airlock
00:39:31without your spacesuit,
00:39:32just give the voice command
00:39:33abort airlock procedure.
00:39:35Well, then do it.
00:39:37I am doing it.
00:39:38I was trying to.
00:39:39Abort airlock...
00:39:40You're going to hurry,
00:39:41airlock!
00:39:41I'm sorry.
00:39:42I didn't quite get that.
00:39:44Evacuating airlock
00:39:45in 20 seconds.
00:39:46Guys, you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking.
00:39:49You all have to be...
00:39:50Okay, Kyle,
00:39:50I'm going to take it from here,
00:39:51okay?
00:39:52Abort airlock.
00:39:52Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:54I'm sorry.
00:39:54I didn't quite get you.
00:39:55Candace, now you did it.
00:39:56I'm sorry.
00:39:57I was telling Kyle
00:39:58to be quiet for you.
00:39:59I wasn't going to say anything.
00:40:00You just did it from there!
00:40:01Evacuate airlock
00:40:02in 10 seconds.
00:40:03Everyone, shut up!
00:40:04Everyone, shut up!
00:40:06Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:07Shut up!
00:40:08Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:09Stop!
00:40:09You just talked, Candace!
00:40:11Sorry, I'm wrong!
00:40:12You both shut the fuck up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:14Shut up!
00:40:15Shut up!
00:40:15Shut up!
00:40:19Abort airlock...
00:40:23What the fuck?
00:40:25Oh, my gosh!
00:40:25Oh, my gosh!
00:40:25Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:26Oh, my gosh!
00:40:27Did that just happen?
00:40:28Oh, my gosh!
00:40:28Oh, my gosh!
00:40:28Oh, my gosh!
00:40:29You guys are actually louder
00:40:30than my music.
00:40:31Did you not see that?
00:40:33What are you talking about?
00:40:34Elrond is dead!
00:40:36Who?
00:40:37Elrond!
00:40:39The billionaire guy
00:40:40that brought us here.
00:40:40The Elrond,
00:40:41the main guy, Elrond.
00:40:42oh right he died his head exploded fuck off holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not
00:40:54fucking cool lron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy lord
00:41:00god almighty fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together
00:41:07poor choice of words dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together
00:41:14his head exploded the things you say are inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb
00:41:19holy he won't stop singing oh i'm sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of this
00:41:25mess
00:41:25how uh by sending a little sos to the big man upstairs but wimmy god's not real
00:41:34peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have to blasphemy god while you're at it
00:41:39i didn't kill it you're the one who said airlock close airlock closed hey come on wimmy leave
00:41:46peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying kyle i mean peggy is obviously she's
00:41:53you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean you're you're obviously like you have a
00:42:00a mental thing right are you mentally handicapped oh i'm sorry no that came out wrong look it's not
00:42:08going to solve anything for us to be blaming each other now i'm sure each one of us in this
00:42:13room has
00:42:13made mistakes and right now the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here so that
00:42:21we can all work together moving forward so we can all work together moving forward todd what is with
00:42:28the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm not your dad man i know you're not my dad my
00:42:33dad is
00:42:34awesome is alron okay okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and
00:42:46get them to pick us up and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is
00:42:53dangerous okay from
00:42:54now on no one touches anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications
00:43:02mission control can you hear us there they are you bastards you bastard come to kill us now too
00:43:12guys guys we are so sorry about elrond it was an accident we saw everything there's cameras uh
00:43:20what what what do we do how do we get back home what happens okay well we should be able
00:43:28to just
00:43:28have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch that big red button um
00:43:35peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great that just disengaged all
00:43:43the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are we screwed is there
00:43:49is there
00:43:50another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always prepare for a plan b oh
00:43:57thank god
00:43:57yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you guys in about five years five years
00:44:04did
00:44:05you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five five whole years maybe you
00:44:11should
00:44:11have thought about that before you killed all rock brands and he wants a candle in the wind and a
00:44:17rocket
00:44:17man that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the problem with cools you guys just think
00:44:28you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world without nerds then merry christmas
00:44:35and happy birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:52i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay here we
00:45:02go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble boom rewind see see he's still alive there still
00:45:10alive there there still alive and he's feeling it right there and that's where i think he died what
00:45:15about you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a whole folder of
00:45:20this sort
00:45:20of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in it getting back
00:45:25to
00:45:25the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are mourning the loss of billionaire
00:45:30philanthropist elron branson and watching the developments with bated breath so much so that
00:45:36mars enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can monitor the events in the
00:45:41space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal death of the only person who
00:45:46knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up i tell you it must be
00:45:51incredibly
00:45:51incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we start hey why not the women's
00:45:57bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up but you're going
00:46:03to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef chocolate
00:46:32i'm not gonna stick my dick in crazy what you just told your boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt
00:46:38you're angry you want to fuck somebody you're being crazy
00:46:40oh my god i wouldn't even think okay sweet that is not why i came over here oh okay my
00:46:49mistake
00:46:49and for your information crazy girls are the best in bed that's not true that's just something crazy girls
00:47:02say oh hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how much food we can make god it
00:47:09stinks in here
00:47:10anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were looking pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody
00:47:18has ever said that to me literally that's a shame because i think you're fucking sexy candace you are
00:47:27blowing my mind right now what do you say we lock this door put on some music grab a bottle
00:47:35of everclear and
00:47:37candace i'm gonna stop you right there i don't stick my fingers in crazy what it's my one rule don't
00:47:44get me
00:47:44wrong candace you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't flattered but i know
00:47:50where this road leads and it's not a place where either of us would feel what the fuck is wrong
00:47:55with
00:47:56everyone on this spaceship hey there wimmy right
00:48:07all right shhhh okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is so fucking hard
00:48:25let's say you and i have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not imbibe but
00:48:32i am happy to
00:48:32provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol
00:48:36huh you're funny listen wimmy you're a man with knees i'm a woman with knees what do you say we
00:48:46help each other out what no no no no no no no no no i am taken here's the tillium's
00:48:51clan right here
00:48:53ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17i feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything
00:49:26happen for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says
00:49:34for god so
00:49:35loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it says
00:49:42earth
00:49:42but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would
00:49:54make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably
00:50:00didn't i mean
00:50:02hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:08i i didn't even
00:50:09kiss a girl until i was 18 18 18. that's not nerdy that's cool i didn't mean 18 it wasn't
00:50:1918. i don't
00:50:20i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like 20. 29 29. i was
00:50:2529. oh okay
00:50:29that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but i could
00:50:35have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking
00:50:41to a couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i
00:50:49don't know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would be
00:50:54really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look
00:51:43candace that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right
00:51:49now
00:51:49this is what i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to
00:51:55you
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is
00:52:01this
00:52:01somewhere in the ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20oh my god i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this no no do not judge me until i
00:53:38have
00:53:39finished my sentence because then you will see that she has murdered you and she has murdered you and she
00:53:48has murdered me and she has also committed suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy
00:53:57there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth he has no jurisdiction up here the
00:54:03red
00:54:03planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm gonna apologize to the room uh i lost
00:54:12my cool
00:54:12there i said some things that didn't need to be said and it's important for a leader to be calm
00:54:17and
00:54:18collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that part about you being the leader again
00:54:24kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that
00:54:30makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and see you after you tried to run
00:54:34away
00:54:34from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a
00:54:39bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a
00:54:44perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's
00:54:49all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up
00:54:54the
00:54:54gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like
00:55:00diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior
00:55:04switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right
00:55:10now but
00:55:11are you smart uh i don't want to offend you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar
00:55:18really quick
00:55:21candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my own
00:56:01flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside of
00:56:09marriage and i don't give a shh damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about
00:56:17why are you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do
00:56:22every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:22i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:36oh candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm
00:57:42in
00:57:43we are having sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd
00:57:52i am
00:57:53pretty impressed oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like
00:57:58hey todd how was mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was
00:58:02up there i
00:58:03impressed some idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue
00:58:10with me seriously seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i
00:58:18treat women did i bash her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor in her head it
00:58:23just didn't
00:58:24really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean
00:58:29to me
00:58:29she's been treating me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined
00:58:34my life she ruins your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah
00:58:39because you've
00:58:39made her crazy look you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just
00:58:43been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with
00:58:50her let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:58:56gonna go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends you'd be a mess without
01:00:08friends
01:00:15they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:21friends
01:00:32do you remember the slew of a-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:45and last but not least
01:00:49we had
01:01:07i don't know
01:01:11i don't know
01:01:16i don't know
01:01:20understand what you want from me. Stop trying to make me the bad guy here. Stop acting like one.
01:01:26Uh, okay. So sorry about that. Uh, you missed a couple of things. Basically what happened was
01:01:32while Todd finished fixing the ship, Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd
01:01:37was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her, but he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41to tell her how he honestly felt. So she's still confused and unhappy. So she got all pissed and
01:01:48then he got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene. Anyway, sorry, sorry again. Watch for
01:01:53hands. I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle. Either love me or let me go. Look, I, I really
01:02:03do
01:02:04care about you, but, but I, by my calculations, we got 10 minutes of air left. So let's do this
01:02:10thing.
01:02:12Had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system, but this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16from the main comm board for us to blast off. Holy shit, dude. I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:22All right. That's it. Murs sucks. Fuck it. Let's go home. And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29wants to come with us, you better hurry his ass up wherever he is.
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck? That was a big sin. And Whimmy likey. Whimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh my God. There is no God up here, Kyle. I have abandoned the way of the Lamb. I now
01:02:52worship
01:02:53the goat.
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices, more blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship. Say what? Scott, let's go.
01:03:04Becky, Candace, get in the ship. We got to get out of here.
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats.
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy, across. Jesus. Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:24We're in. We made it. We're all here.
01:03:25Huh. Well, Todd's dead. Right. Yeah. That's, uh, right. Yeah. That's, that's, that's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died. Shit. Right. Yeah. He, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right? Come on. Let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,
01:03:56What's happening?
01:03:57Where aren't we going? Where's two? Where's one?
01:04:00Face me! Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh. This fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No! You are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:13I, I just, I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you, you deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:34Whimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ, Kyle!
01:04:49Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there, and I'm gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:54Da, da, da, sub-zero. Da, da, da, da, sub-zero. Da, da, da, da, da, da, dama. Sub-zero.
01:05:01Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
01:05:04da, da.
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us locked in battle.
01:05:09arbets.
01:05:10Urgh.
01:05:12Ow.
01:05:13Again.
01:05:13Unpully.
01:05:14What?
01:05:19Kyle!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:23I'm sorry.
01:05:40What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks, to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:42This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:02One more, in fact.
01:07:03Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a... dopey twink?
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papadero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:08Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle! I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler! They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right! You fucked with the wrong people this time!
01:09:32I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch!
01:09:38Chomp chomp! Chomp chomp!
01:09:40I told you all I know!
01:09:41Our parent company is technological, human, electronic, household, optimal, luxury, organic,
01:09:47cyber, anthropomorphic, utility systems, treatment, worldwide, analytic software...
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated!
01:09:53They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself,
01:09:57so he links up with this company and promises them the best advertising opportunity money can buy!
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in!
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like,
01:10:05Shit! This'll be some drama! Let's send her up so people can watch the fireworks!
01:10:09But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:15Yes! I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years!
01:10:18Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this!
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was!
01:10:31There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36My skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters.
01:10:43And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it!
01:10:52All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking pay Branson to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet!
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:20Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twigs! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twigs! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:53Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple!
01:12:23The station is wrecked! How am I breathing?
01:12:29God? Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Someone tell me what is happening!
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun!
01:13:16Twinks!
01:13:17Light them up!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Putter!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:42No!
01:13:45Yeah!
01:13:48No!
01:13:51No!
01:13:54No!
01:14:00No!
01:14:05No!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of carlin nevada a horrific scene that
01:14:16led authorities to discover sir elron branson's entire mars voyager mission was a hoax details
01:14:23are still unfolding but from what we can tell the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked
01:14:28his own death with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company in a scheme to bilk
01:14:34investors out of their money and sell products with incredibly offensive names here we see the
01:14:41footage of sir elron branson being taken into custody earlier this evening the four surviving
01:14:45astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on earth uh hey guys that's sort of
01:14:53a crazy trip and i have to go to jail now that's all the time we have tonight stay tuned
01:15:02for jimmy
01:15:02fallon who's going to be playing guess who with that squirrel from the oreos commercials
01:15:13hey how'd it go um what kind of stuff are they asking just like what happened when women went
01:15:22crazy and stuff like that oh okay um are you doing all right yeah i'm still shaking up a bit
01:15:30but
01:15:30yeah so i guess this is it yeah i guess so so what are you going to do now just
01:15:42hang around at the
01:15:43bar with cooter oh no no cooter's in a lot of trouble he killed like hundreds of people yeah but
01:15:49it was kind of in self-defense no no no no before that he killed like nine people or something
01:15:55in the
01:15:55weeks leading up to that gunfight i think like two of them were children oh my god yeah yeah are
01:16:02you
01:16:02going to visit him in prison um i don't think so well see you around hey candace um i'm sorry
01:16:17that i
01:16:17hurt you i really am i know and someday i'll be okay with it
01:16:30hey elron oh hey kyle uh how's it going so is it true it was all a hoax from the
01:16:38beginning
01:16:38yep pretty much i thought if i made a deal with those white nationalists i could finally fake my
01:16:44death and disappear with a ton of money dude i just don't get it you were already rich i mean
01:16:49you
01:16:49had everything why would you want to fake your own death well i have this fiancee who just absolutely
01:16:56smothers me
01:16:59kyle capshaw and then cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of
01:17:06like jellified thank you mr capshaw i gotta say this is kind of a godsend for us here at nasa
01:17:14what do you mean how so well this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal
01:17:17government
01:17:18to give us our funding back what happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences
01:17:22run among we're gonna put that peggy bork lady on every talk show in the country telling the story
01:17:27peggy yeah she's gonna be a national hero we're gonna make her the new face of nasa neil armstrong
01:17:33can suck my fucking nuts we're in the peggy bork business now uh that's cool but uh what about me
01:17:42i
01:17:43mean i actually did way more stuff than peggy yeah the thing is uh peggy more represents the image we
01:17:51want out there for nasa are you fucking kidding me because she's i mean she's like i i think that
01:18:00she's mentally handicapped oh come on the thing is kyle a cultural icon needs to project a certain
01:18:07essence of american values and wholesomeness what are you trying to say everybody's seen the doll video
01:18:15what doll video sandy what do you mean everybody's seen the video they played it on the news pretty
01:18:26often while you guys were trapped up there or up down here trapped down here we just can't have a
01:18:33doll
01:18:33licker be the face of the national space agency you understand
01:18:41well the stranded martian passengers are stranded no more and we know of one little porcelain doll
01:18:48who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound
01:19:00well great
01:19:05i think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls and the peggy bork national press tour continues
01:19:11this morning she was seen playing the xylophone with michael strahan on the today show
01:19:16and rumors are swirling that ryan gosling has been making romantic advances is it too early to start
01:19:22talking about a new hollywood power couple those two are hot i am strongly attracted to peggy bork
01:19:32well it looks like it's just you and me sandy from here on out i have no idea what's gonna
01:19:38happen
01:19:47come here you
01:19:49come here you
01:19:50come here you
01:19:52come here you
01:20:07you
01:20:07come here you
01:20:35come here you
01:20:37come here you
01:20:37In their cars they were out all night
01:20:41They were friends of me
01:20:47Acting crazy and I don't know why
01:20:52The whitest kids of all time
01:20:57The whitest kids of all time
01:21:09Twice as strong as the river
01:21:17Electricity
01:21:20Twice as wide and twice as high
01:21:25As the sky and the sea
01:21:31They came on the deep stream
01:21:36The whitest kids you'll never see
01:21:41The whitest kids you'll never see
01:22:01When the going gets tough and the road is dark
01:22:04And the trouble never ends
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on
01:22:10I'm talking about friends
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
01:22:19And friends are always there for you
01:22:22When no one else is around
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without
01:22:32Friends, Monica Phoebe and Ross
01:22:35Joey Tandler and Rachel
01:22:39They're the gang you wanna be with
01:22:42Whenever you are able
01:22:45Friends, I'm singing about
01:22:49Friends, friendship never
01:22:52Friends, true story
01:22:54True story, my cousin met Matt LeBlanc
01:22:56At a party three years ago
01:22:58He said he was super down to earth
01:23:01And not like his character at all
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private
01:23:09That he fucked with Stephanie
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true
01:23:13But don't you tell anybody
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without
01:23:20Friends, buy it on Amazon
01:23:23Friends, do you remember the slew of A-list celebs
01:23:27That were constantly dropping by
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni, Rabisi, Paul Rudd
01:23:34And George Clooney
01:23:37Last but not least we had
01:23:40Brad Pitt, King of Celebrities
01:23:43Brad Pitt, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
01:23:48Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston
01:23:52Dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it
01:23:58And that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it
01:24:03You would make a thousand bucks
01:24:06Brad Pitt, you would be dead without
01:24:10Brad Pitt, America's sweetheart
01:24:13Brad Pitt, from cool world to fight club
01:24:17He's never let us down
01:24:20Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood
01:24:24Brad Pitt Town
01:24:26Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane
01:24:32Brad Pitt, hotter than anyone
01:24:36Brad Pitt, also real talented
01:24:39Brad Pitt, come on Academy
01:24:41Where is the Oscar for?
01:24:44Brad Pitt
01:24:44I heard People Magazine had to stop
01:24:48Giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive
01:24:51That's just because
01:24:52Oh shit, I was singing with my eyes closed
01:24:54Sorry
01:24:55Sorry
01:24:55Shit
01:24:58Shit
01:24:58Shit
01:24:59Shit
01:25:02Shit
01:25:02entfer
01:25:02Listengeries聞
01:25:02host
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