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  • 10 hours ago
Operation Taco Garys 2026
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00:00:25Breaking news, actor Jason Biggs of American Pie fame
00:00:28was found dead in his Wind River home.
00:00:31The event brings this year's celebrity death toll to 27 after Pope Francis' heart explosion
00:00:36last week.
00:00:36His estate wants to remind the world that Jason Biggs was a good guy, and we should all be
00:00:41very, very sad.
00:00:43Authorities aren't ruling out foul play.
00:01:06Get fucked, Biggs!
00:01:12I heard, I heard the old man say, John Kanaka-naka-tura-ay.
00:01:19Today, today's a holiday.
00:01:23John Kanaka-naka-tura-ay.
00:01:26Toorayay.
00:01:28Whoa-oh.
00:01:32Toorayay.
00:01:35John Kanaka-naka-tura-ay.
00:01:59John Kanaka-naka-tura-ay.
00:02:02We'll work tomorrow but not today.
00:02:05John Kanaka-naka-tura-ay.
00:02:08Toorayay, oh, toorayay
00:02:14John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:02:17We're bowed away from Frisco, hey!
00:02:19John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:02:21We're bowed away at the break of hay
00:02:24John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:02:27Toorayay, oh, toorayay
00:02:33John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:02:46John-kanak and toorayay
00:02:47John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:02:53Chinquis and toorayay
00:02:57John-kanak-kanak and toorayay
00:03:13so 35 we have a deal okay you got me 25 drive a hard bargain yeah look how much for
00:03:23this
00:03:23oh for you jake absolutely free take it it's yours no kidding okay you know toaster like this
00:03:33would probably get you 27 i doubt that it's a very nice thing i think i'll put it on my
00:03:42desk next to
00:03:43my computer i came by to give you a little going away advice you need to change the password on
00:03:52your wi-fi and the majority of your streaming accounts what do you mean type in some extra
00:03:58numbers or some big letters those go a long way jake are you saying you've been using my wi-fi
00:04:04is that why google keeps recommending different ketamine clinics i'm just saying i don't want
00:04:09people in your new building to take advantage of you the way some people might have been taking
00:04:15advantage of you here thanks jake good guy luke you deserve better okay oh hey janet respectfully janet
00:04:26i really think that we should just try it my way we're really going to miss you around here luke
00:04:30and not just your wi-fi and your streaming services you look like family were my passwords that easy
00:04:35to figure out where are you headed now ottawa canada watch your fingers ottawa you got family up there
00:04:43or something no no the only family i've left is an older brother but i haven't heard from him in
00:04:47years
00:04:48in fact i actually don't even know if he's dead or alive oh well that's dreadful because uh
00:04:53family is the most important thing there is family sticks together no matter what
00:05:01what was that what was what the random family sentiment you just read out loud what was that about
00:05:09uh i gotta go clinton how much you want for this it's beautiful what the hell this isn't mine
00:05:18who put this here you did no why would i have a painting of the pope eating tacos with bigfoot
00:05:24i
00:05:25mean i'm basically jewish for christ's sake that's a lie i've seen his penis the man you know as luke
00:05:31is not circumcised quite the opposite he possesses a generous amount of foreskin making his dick look
00:05:37like the head of a baby elephant what who are you what is happening
00:05:48jeez louise
00:05:51ow
00:05:56danny bring it in danny
00:05:58oh god god i'm sorry i'm sorry what happened are you okay yeah it's nothing really you should have
00:06:03seen the other guy yeah oh yeah he was driving the sickest mercedes when he plowed into me okay that
00:06:08looks really bad oh and that painting is from me
00:06:11hmm oh you like it yeah man one more hug soft wow
00:06:18i can't
00:06:34so how's life living off-grid all this time
00:06:37that's fine until the grid got bigger after a while it became like one of todd simmons famous nosebleeds
00:06:43yeah yeah wait so what's with the moving sale you moving somewhere uh very perceptive of you
00:06:51yeah yeah i know i'm uh heading up to ottawa canada
00:06:55ottawa oh you got a girlfriend up there or something no yeah you do
00:07:00the girlfriend in canada
00:07:02i would yeah you gotta go all the way up there to get laid because you can't get laid here
00:07:06danny danny no sorry no i i am driving up today to start at the new paleontology research center
00:07:16well today today yeah well you can't leave today why not well because i'm here now i want to hang
00:07:22out
00:07:23yeah but i start on monday oh fuck muffin
00:07:27i was really hoping to spend some time together before i start my new job in tucson next week
00:07:47hey man why don't you come with me really yeah you wouldn't mind no i i i've wanted to spend
00:07:52time
00:07:52with you too wow i'm impressed luke you really do have faith in your fellow man
00:07:59it's like todd simmons said faith is all about taking that initial step without first checking
00:08:03for scorpions yeah who is this todd simmons guy
00:08:16so tell me about the job in ottawa huh you happy with it oh beyond happy man it's like for
00:08:22the first
00:08:22time in my life everything's finally making sense you know and that's a good thing yeah of course it is
00:08:27i get to go on real digs with real paleontologists and you know what we're doing on my very first
00:08:31day how would i know that we're gonna go to a dig site where they've already found a brand new
00:08:35species
00:08:36of cretaceous erytheropon and they've already given her a name too snomisdon snomisdon yeah apparently
00:08:41she's massive and her femur bone is exactly five foot ten and a half inches long which is my
00:08:48precise height which is weird and neat right yeah i'm just happy you're happy yeah just don't freak
00:08:55out when you learn what actually killed the dinosaurs what do you mean no uh it's too soon
00:09:03i'm sorry i'm just gonna shut up now no no what do you think killed the dinosaurs danny
00:09:09well it wasn't a fucking meteor i'll tell you that
00:09:19what just so you know i i don't actually care that you believe in all this conspiracy theory
00:09:26stuff it honestly doesn't even bother me conspiracy theory stuff just so you know all science is theory
00:09:32until proven otherwise did you know that galilea was once considered a conspiracy theory okay but just so
00:09:36you know even if somehow one of your crazy conspiracy theories just happened to be true nobody would
00:09:42believe you because you think everything is part of some massive conspiracy theory so you basically
00:09:46just be the boy who cried wolf oh just so you know the boy who cried wolf is a personal
00:09:50hero of mine
00:09:50of course he is now think about it he tricked his entire town into thinking that a wolf was coming
00:09:54so
00:09:54by the end when the wolf actually came he had him all to himself and who doesn't want a little
00:09:57wolf
00:10:07it's just in jason bigg's death has been officially ruled a homicide the suspect is set
00:10:13bloody grisly murder we should all be very sad according to this state
00:10:23so tell me about this job in tucson
00:10:27oh yeah i'm really excited about it is it like an office job or
00:10:32the day i set foot in an office is the day i die
00:10:35yeah so what is it oh i can't say i signed an mda well with who can't say that either
00:10:41well can you
00:10:42tell me anything about it let me think no well come on you're not being chased by a bounty hunter
00:10:48or something are you jesus luke i'm not that guy anymore all right sorry sure at one point i was
00:10:56a
00:10:56little off my rocker sure at one point i ran for sheriff of daytona under the name deacon shrimp
00:11:00sure at one point i scammed the portuguese mafia out of a thousand fluid ounces of taiwanese ketamine
00:11:04what but i also know i haven't been the best big brother to you i left you all alone in
00:11:09that hellhole
00:11:10took out multiple houseboat loans in your name that was you but i'm a changed man now who's
00:11:15trying to get his life back on track and i need you to believe that
00:11:21uh yeah all right thank you i have no reason to lie to you man literally not one
00:11:27knock on wood sheriff's department sheriff's department
00:11:50hey oh yeah he's been here looks like his brother's helping him after all
00:11:53we're gonna need an additional 277 on luke davenport accomplice to wanted felon daniel davenport
00:12:06i'm not a lot so young
00:12:13we must not a lot so young
00:12:16we must not a lot so young
00:12:25La la la la la la
00:12:28Three mat outta the logs so young
00:12:32They set sail from Britain leen
00:12:37Three mat outta the logs so young
00:12:40La la la la la la
00:12:42Three matother logs so young
00:12:44They need sail away to sea
00:12:46Three matサwads so young
00:12:48La la la la la la
00:12:50Three mat והvordan so young
00:12:52They set sail from Britain leen
00:12:54A storm began, as they said sail, the winds will fly around.
00:12:58And the winds were strong, the journey long, they landed in you found love.
00:13:03It's a coincidence that it was around the same time Bill Gates had Princess Di assassinated.
00:13:07And that's the fourth reason why one should never trust the Portuguese.
00:13:12What?
00:13:13Nothing.
00:13:14Oh, seriously, man, what?
00:13:16No, it's, it's nothing, never mind.
00:13:18I know that look.
00:13:19You're contemplating whether or not I'm back on my meds, huh?
00:13:22How is that a look?
00:13:23Well, I am, okay?
00:13:24I mean, do I look like Todd Simmons on a Spanish holiday?
00:13:27Who the fuck is Todd Simmons?
00:13:29I swear, you have nothing to wor-
00:13:34What? What is it?
00:13:36Nothing. It's nothing.
00:13:38Uh, I'm just gonna go see if old man Waters still lives over there. I'll be right back.
00:13:42Old man Waters, it's clearly made up, and it's my turn to drive!
00:14:08Hands on the steering wheel, now!
00:14:10Oh, yeah, I gotta hand it to you. I thought I lost you back in Wind River. You banged me
00:14:17up good
00:14:18I don't want your fucking money hands on the wheel do it now
00:14:21Does this mean anything to you, huh?
00:14:24It's a taco Gary's taco isn't the TG truce of 21 this taco Jerry
00:14:31It's talking Gary
00:14:33This is a Mercedes, right?
00:14:35I don't know. I don't know
00:14:40He was using the restroom
00:15:01God damn it. I'm truly sorry for mistaking you for a member of the coalition. It was an honest mistake
00:15:09I'm assuming you have the child lock on
00:15:12Thank you, ma'am. You have a lovely day
00:15:30Shit
00:15:37You okay?
00:15:39Not really, man
00:15:41I saw it
00:15:42Fuck
00:15:43Okay, yeah putting a hunting knife to a grandmother's throat looks really bad on paper, but technically that was in
00:15:47self-defense
00:15:48What? No, I'm talking about these
00:15:50fucking M&Ms, man
00:15:53Oh, yeah, me too
00:15:54You're lying to me Danny again
00:15:57Relax, Luke. They're just anti-psychotics. Nothing bad's gonna happen
00:16:00Not yet, but I refuse to be the idiot in the horror movie who sees all the dead animals and
00:16:06the ghost children yet doesn't get out
00:16:07I feel like I'm being set up for disaster
00:16:10If you would like me to take the regular pills that work, I will okay? Pinky swear
00:16:15I love you Danny
00:16:16I do, but I'm in a new chapter in my life, and I don't have time to accommodate you and
00:16:19you
00:16:19Wait, what did you do to some grandma?
00:16:22Nothing. It's a metaphor
00:16:26Where's my phone?
00:16:28You promise you won't get angry?
00:16:31Oh, God
00:16:32Look for your own safety and for reasons I can't disclose yet. I had to
00:16:36Dispose of your phone via toilet at the gas station
00:16:38Pull over
00:16:39Why? We just stopped
00:16:40Pull over
00:16:42Please calm down
00:16:44What is happening right now?
00:16:48Where are you going?
00:16:51God damn it! What the fuck?
00:16:57Just wait! Just wait!
00:16:58No! It's over! You're not going to talk me out of it!
00:17:01I know! I know! I understand!
00:17:04Fuck! I'm sorry!
00:17:06You know I hate taking that shit!
00:17:08It makes me feel too...
00:17:10Not me! Things make too much sense!
00:17:13But that's a bad thing?
00:17:14Can you just get out of the car so I can give you a proper hug goodbye?
00:17:17No!
00:17:17I'll leave! I promise!
00:17:20This might be a really long time before I see you again
00:17:22Just come out and give me one last hug and then I'm gone! Okay?
00:17:27Please?
00:17:33Thank you!
00:17:38Love you, man!
00:17:39Love you, too!
00:17:41What the fuck was that?
00:17:43I know! I'm sorry!
00:17:44It's for your own good!
00:17:45Don't!
00:17:45Trust me!
00:17:46Don't!
00:17:46Trust me!
00:17:47You're okay!
00:17:49All right!
00:17:50That's it!
00:17:52You're okay!
00:17:57Good night, sweet prince!
00:18:00They never show this part in the movie!
00:18:03How hard could it be?
00:18:22Good night, boy!
00:18:40There's Mr. Sleepyhead!
00:18:45What happened? Where are we?
00:18:47Wait, you don't remember?
00:18:48Makes sense. You were pretty damn drunk.
00:18:51No. No, I remember.
00:18:54I couldn't find my phone, and then we got in an argument, and...
00:19:05Holy shit, you...
00:19:07Okay, fine, I injected you with some ketamine, but you were having a temper tantrum.
00:19:11Oh, you're out of your mind. You're... Oh, God.
00:19:21There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:19:23God damn it!
00:19:24I know. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you.
00:19:27Why are you doing this to me?
00:19:30I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:19:33I kind of stumbled into some trouble, and I sort of need to...
00:19:35How do I say this? Flee the country.
00:19:37So when I found out that you're going to Canada, I thought it was meant to be, you know? Like
00:19:40fate.
00:19:40What did you do?
00:19:42Nothing.
00:19:42I simply took something from someone deemed important.
00:19:45Okay, give it back.
00:19:46No.
00:19:47The world needs to see this, and I need your help.
00:19:50No!
00:19:50Come on, Luke.
00:19:52You're family.
00:19:53And you know family is the most important thing of all.
00:19:56Family sticks together no matter what.
00:19:59I paid my neighbor to say that, didn't you?
00:20:01Look, it's not my fault your neighbor didn't take the extra five minutes to memorize his fucking lines.
00:20:05Look, whatever. It doesn't matter.
00:20:06The fact is, I love you, and you're the only one that I can truly trust, and you have a
00:20:10valid passport, and we kind of look like each other.
00:20:12I can't believe I fell for this.
00:20:14No.
00:20:15No.
00:20:16No, no, no.
00:20:17Help!
00:20:18Help me!
00:20:19Help!
00:20:21Stop doing that!
00:20:23Look, I'm begging you, man.
00:20:24I need your help, and I need to borrow your identity one last time.
00:20:27Just try to see the forest through the trees.
00:20:29It's for the trees, you idiot.
00:20:32And the answer is no.
00:20:34I am not going to risk my chance at happiness for you.
00:20:37Thing is, Luke, I don't think you have any other options.
00:20:41Of course I do.
00:20:42I'll just suck it up and fly there.
00:20:44Truck's worthless anyway, and all my important stuff is already in my new place.
00:20:47Yeah, but you can't book a flight without your phone and your wallet.
00:20:50God damn it.
00:20:51Where is my wallet, Danny?
00:20:55It's in safe hands.
00:20:56You'll get it once we cross the border.
00:20:57I know that look.
00:20:58You want to cause me physical harm, but right now I'm your best and only option.
00:21:02You'll still get there on time, I promise.
00:21:04Any questions?
00:21:05Can I at least have my shirt back?
00:21:07No.
00:21:07Oh, and there's something else I need to give you.
00:21:09Now, you're probably not ready to hear this, but that right there is a highly advanced homing beacon.
00:21:13This is a Rubik's suit covered in black Sharpie.
00:21:16Trust me, that's the highest of high tech.
00:21:17I do not trust you.
00:21:18And don't ask me how I got it.
00:21:20I'll just say it involved a full-figured Bigfoot suit, a live chicken, and a shit-ton of ketamine.
00:21:24Now, in the off chance that we get separated, you press this part down right here, and I'll know exactly
00:21:28where you are.
00:21:30Oh shit, get down!
00:21:31What?
00:21:31Get down!
00:21:32No!
00:21:32At least take a knee!
00:21:33No!
00:21:34Shit, the truck's been made.
00:21:37Oh, thank God.
00:21:38What?
00:21:38What?
00:21:39If you tattletail, I swear you'll never make it to your job.
00:21:41I'll tell them you're the mastermind behind all this.
00:21:43How are you gonna do that?
00:21:44You really should rethink your password.
00:21:45Just add a few numbers or big letters.
00:21:47Those go a long way.
00:21:49What have you been doing?
00:21:50Enough to make it seem like you and I have been accomplices all along.
00:21:52But if you stick with me, I'll clear your name.
00:21:54Pinky swear.
00:21:54God damn it!
00:21:55That's okay, brother.
00:21:56I intended for Plan A to fail.
00:21:58This is all part of the plan.
00:21:59We're just gonna skip ahead to Step 17.
00:22:02WWTSD.
00:22:03What would Todd Simmons do?
00:22:05How many hand grenades do you have on your person?
00:22:06Damn it.
00:22:07On second thought, we don't need a truck.
00:22:08Well, my passport isn't there.
00:22:09God damn it!
00:22:10Look, what were you thinking?
00:22:11I was unconscious!
00:22:12I could say that again.
00:22:13That's them!
00:22:14Plan C.
00:22:15Run!
00:22:15You'll never catch us!
00:22:17We're very armed and extremely deranged!
00:22:19Why would you say that?
00:22:20No, no, no!
00:22:20We're not!
00:22:21I'm not!
00:22:22Fuck!
00:22:26This way!
00:22:27This way!
00:22:28This way!
00:22:48This way!
00:22:48This way!
00:22:49This way!
00:22:49This way!
00:22:49I hate you!
00:22:54This way!
00:23:12This way!
00:23:15Oh, my God.
00:23:45I need a salt.
00:23:48Come on.
00:23:49Fuck.
00:23:50I'm so fucked.
00:23:51Why did you say that?
00:23:53That is nothing compared to what I told the authorities
00:23:55we've been doing for the last few weeks.
00:23:56No, you.
00:23:57Not we.
00:23:58You.
00:23:58Shut up.
00:23:59This is all happening according to the new plan
00:24:01that I just thought of.
00:24:02All we need is a ride so I can connect with an associate
00:24:05I have in the area, and that guy's perfect.
00:24:07You too, Ray.
00:24:08OK, here's what we're going to do.
00:24:09I'm going to tell him that my fiance's dog,
00:24:11Stanley McRuff-Ruff, was stolen by a one-eyed Portuguese man,
00:24:14and we're on a desperate and inspiring rescue mission.
00:24:16Why would anyone believe that?
00:24:18Because no one wants to believe the truth anymore, man.
00:24:20People don't let strangers with no pants ride in their car
00:24:22willy-nilly.
00:24:23Why are you still no pants?
00:24:24Bingo, bongo.
00:24:26What the fuck?
00:24:30You know, if something happened to my little Ruff-Ruff,
00:24:33I'd do the same thing.
00:24:35Damn Portuguese.
00:24:36Amen, brother.
00:24:38Oh, right.
00:24:39For your information, I've kidnapped my brother,
00:24:42and I'm forcing him to come along against his will.
00:24:44He wants to let you know in case you're a witness
00:24:46in a trial that'll never happen.
00:24:49Brothers, huh?
00:24:50I guess y'all do smell pretty similar.
00:24:56Danny, what the fuck are you doing?
00:24:57These are the exact coordinates.
00:24:58I triple-checked.
00:24:59Oh, excuse me.
00:25:00Sir, do you mind driving me to the hospital?
00:25:02I've been kidnapped!
00:25:04Nice try, Luke,
00:25:05but no one wants to believe the truth anymore.
00:25:06Just let me work.
00:25:08Now that neither of us have a passport,
00:25:09because you're irresponsible,
00:25:11we're going to require the services of a badger.
00:25:13It's like a Canadian coyote.
00:25:15She'll help us cross the border.
00:25:27Let's talk.
00:25:29No running, Eric!
00:25:33It's nice to see you again, Allison.
00:25:35It's been a while.
00:25:36This is my little brother, Luke.
00:25:39Ah, I know that look.
00:25:41You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?
00:25:44So, where are you two heading?
00:25:45I'm trying to get to Ottawa before Monday,
00:25:47and he's a wanted felon.
00:25:49Ottawa.
00:25:51What, you guys got family up there or something?
00:25:54Eric, slow the fuck down!
00:25:55You're a good brother, you know,
00:25:57helping Danny out like this.
00:25:58That man has opened my eyes to a lot of truths.
00:26:02Did you know there's a metropolis of squid people
00:26:04living directly beneath Santa Fe, New Mexico?
00:26:10I'm just playing.
00:26:10I don't believe in that kind of stuff.
00:26:12Push it, Eric.
00:26:13Push it.
00:26:13God damn it, Eric.
00:26:15I don't get it.
00:26:16You seem so...
00:26:17Look, when Danny called me up
00:26:18asking if I knew a badger,
00:26:19I just went,
00:26:20screw it, I'll be your badger.
00:26:22I've got nothing else to do right now.
00:26:23And Danny always knows how to spin nothing
00:26:24into something crazy and fun.
00:26:26This is not fun.
00:26:28Okay, before Danny came back,
00:26:29things in my life were just
00:26:31finally starting to make sense.
00:26:33And that's a good thing?
00:26:34Danny will clear your name.
00:26:35He's gotten me out of much tighter chance than this,
00:26:37trust me.
00:26:37And who knows,
00:26:38maybe by the end
00:26:39you'll no longer see this cup
00:26:40that's half empty like me.
00:26:41Oh yeah?
00:26:42Why's that?
00:26:42Because they stopped drawing contacts.
00:26:43Can't see shit now.
00:26:44I just made contact with an associate of mine.
00:26:47He's gonna provide us
00:26:48with a new vehicle and weaponry.
00:26:49Can he be trusted?
00:26:50Oh yeah.
00:26:50We ran a lot of jobs together
00:26:52back in Pismo.
00:26:53No, no, no, no.
00:26:53Danny, please tell me
00:26:55you're not talking about Clio.
00:26:56I don't know what you'd like me to say then.
00:26:59Danny, come on.
00:26:59Isn't he like the president
00:27:00of the Flat Earth Society?
00:27:01No, not anymore.
00:27:03He knows the world
00:27:03is a three-dimensional isosceles triangle.
00:27:05Don't worry.
00:27:06He said to meet him
00:27:07at these coordinates.
00:27:09Jesus Christ!
00:27:11Relax, baby.
00:27:12You're in a sauna.
00:27:13This is definitely the spot.
00:27:14I quadruple checked the coordinates.
00:27:16But you said his name was Clio?
00:27:17Yeah.
00:27:18He purposely misspels his name
00:27:19to make himself harder to track.
00:27:21He's very smart.
00:27:24Come with me.
00:27:29Were you followed?
00:27:30No, I don't think so.
00:27:32What about that guy?
00:27:33Nope, he's not one of them.
00:27:35Well, who's the sheep?
00:27:37That's my little brother, Luke.
00:27:39Can he be trusted?
00:27:40Yeah, 100%.
00:27:41He's my brother.
00:27:42So you found yourself a badger?
00:27:44Best in the business.
00:27:46Only the best for Danny.
00:27:47Okay, guys,
00:27:48can we please just hurry this up?
00:27:49How can I help?
00:27:50They need to get to Ottawa.
00:27:52Ottawa.
00:27:54And no, we don't have any family.
00:27:57Wait.
00:27:59You're going to Ottawa?
00:28:01There's no way you stole
00:28:02what I think you stole.
00:28:03Maybe I did.
00:28:04Oh, you really got it, huh?
00:28:07Then whip it out
00:28:08and show it to me.
00:28:12You got the pennies.
00:28:17You didn't realize
00:28:18that is worth
00:28:19upwards of 27.7 million USD.
00:28:23He's exaggerating.
00:28:24Besides, it's not for sale.
00:28:25Now, can you help us
00:28:26with the vehicle
00:28:27and weaponry or not?
00:28:28You went and sold full
00:28:30and eat...
00:28:32Yes.
00:28:32Yes, I can.
00:28:36Take your pick.
00:28:37Is this your entire inventory?
00:28:39Yeah.
00:28:40My mom isn't CEO
00:28:41of Gucci Vuitton,
00:28:42I'm sorry to say.
00:28:43Oh.
00:28:46This one doesn't have
00:28:47any side mirrors.
00:28:49Yeah.
00:28:49I had to kick them off
00:28:50to decrease wind resistance.
00:28:52Get!
00:28:53Smart.
00:28:58Ooh.
00:29:00Impressive.
00:29:01If you want anything,
00:29:02all this stuff
00:29:02is 30% off.
00:29:13Hey, sheep.
00:29:15Hey, Baba Sheep.
00:29:16Hey.
00:29:17Hey.
00:29:19You gonna answer me or not?
00:29:20What was the question again?
00:29:22If Grover Cleveland
00:29:23showed up right here,
00:29:24right now,
00:29:25right next to you,
00:29:26and you got to ask him
00:29:26one question,
00:29:27what would it be?
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I guess I'd ask him
00:29:30what he thought
00:29:31about current events
00:29:32and stuff.
00:29:34Wrong.
00:29:34Mm-mm.
00:29:35Okay.
00:29:36Clio,
00:29:37what would you ask him?
00:29:38How he did it.
00:29:40How he did what?
00:29:41Time travel.
00:29:42How did a man that size
00:29:43show up right here,
00:29:44right now,
00:29:45right next to you?
00:29:46That didn't weird you out
00:29:47or anything?
00:29:47That didn't spring up
00:29:48a bunch of questions
00:29:49in your mind?
00:29:50Danny,
00:29:50we already got the car, man.
00:29:51Can we just go?
00:29:52Jesus, be careful, man.
00:29:54Relax.
00:29:55It's not even loaded.
00:29:56Whoa, Danny!
00:29:57What the fuck are you doing?
00:29:58What?
00:29:58There's nothing to worry about.
00:30:00See?
00:30:02Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
00:30:05Clio, you son of a bitch.
00:30:07You were trying to rip me off.
00:30:08Bullshit.
00:30:09You probably had the safety on.
00:30:10It's off.
00:30:11Look.
00:30:13That is not how you test it.
00:30:16Let me see.
00:30:17What?
00:30:17Jesus, what is the matter
00:30:19with you guys?
00:30:19God.
00:30:21I don't understand it.
00:30:22It randomly discharged this morning.
00:30:24It should work.
00:30:29Wouldn't it be funny
00:30:30if it just randomly
00:30:30went off right now?
00:30:35I mean, a little.
00:30:41Hey, mommy,
00:30:42you want a taco?
00:30:44Okay.
00:30:44You're lost.
00:30:55Hey, Bubba.
00:30:56Next question.
00:30:57If you could have brunch
00:30:58with one person,
00:30:59living, dead, or ghost,
00:31:01who would it be?
00:31:02My former self.
00:31:03Do you remind me
00:31:03to never, ever trust my brother?
00:31:06Seriously,
00:31:06if I miss out on this dig,
00:31:07I will literally shoot you.
00:31:09Wrong answer, pal.
00:31:10Okay, Clio.
00:31:12What's the right one, then?
00:31:13Todd Simmons.
00:31:14Okay, well, someone
00:31:15please just tell me
00:31:15who the fuck
00:31:16this Todd Simmons guy is.
00:31:18Oh, shit!
00:31:19Oh, my God!
00:31:21I told you it worked!
00:31:23Oh, fuck!
00:31:24Oh, fuck!
00:31:25I've been fucking shot!
00:31:26Sure that wasn't there
00:31:27the whole time?
00:31:28God, no!
00:31:28Call 911!
00:31:29I'm fine.
00:31:30It's just a BB.
00:31:30Fuck you, Danny.
00:31:31It hurts!
00:31:32Check for an exit wound.
00:31:35Somebody help me!
00:31:36Somebody help me!
00:31:37You beat him!
00:31:39Somebody!
00:31:41Not like that,
00:31:42you idiot!
00:31:47Badger, go upstairs to my room
00:31:48and get the band-aids
00:31:49for my grenade drool.
00:31:51On it!
00:31:51All right,
00:31:52we gotta restrain him
00:31:53because I'm gonna suck
00:31:54the bullet out.
00:31:55What the fuck?
00:31:55That's what you do
00:31:56with snake mail!
00:31:57Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
00:31:58Trust me.
00:31:58I'm a doctor.
00:31:59Well, really?
00:32:00If you're a doctor,
00:32:00let's see your badge.
00:32:03Checks out.
00:32:04Proceed, Clio.
00:32:04Okay.
00:32:05What the fuck?
00:32:07Oh, gross!
00:32:08He's vaccinated!
00:32:10Oh, shit!
00:32:11Somebody call that one!
00:32:12To my wife, please!
00:32:14I got her.
00:32:15It's okay, dude.
00:32:16I'll take care of you,
00:32:17all right?
00:32:18All right.
00:32:19No!
00:32:20It's okay.
00:32:21It's just enough
00:32:21to ease the pain.
00:32:22How about we make
00:32:23our own exit wound?
00:32:24I'm gonna push the bullet
00:32:25all the way through.
00:32:26No!
00:32:27Oh, wait, what is happening?
00:32:29What does it look like
00:32:30we're making an exit wound?
00:32:32Oh, let me try it.
00:32:33Oh, shit!
00:32:35Sorry, sorry!
00:32:35I'm late at the back here!
00:32:40Okay.
00:32:41All right.
00:32:42Okay.
00:32:44Okay.
00:32:45That was satisfying.
00:32:47Everything's gonna be fine.
00:32:49Woo!
00:32:52Oh, fuck Muffet.
00:32:55Clio.
00:32:55Clio.
00:33:03She must have just bought it.
00:33:04I swear, I didn't know.
00:33:05Well, now they know.
00:33:06Oh, easy, easy.
00:33:07He's pretty dazed.
00:33:10Run.
00:33:11Run!
00:33:11Shit, you're joking.
00:33:12Go, go, go, go, go!
00:33:31Oh, fuck Muffet.
00:33:34I think I just pissed my pants.
00:33:36We being followed?
00:33:37I don't know.
00:33:37I can't tell without any side view mirrors.
00:33:41Shit.
00:33:42Is that them?
00:33:43Think so.
00:33:44Good thing I called shotgun.
00:33:46Well, what the fuck are you doing, Danny?
00:33:48Calm down.
00:33:48It's okay, all right?
00:33:50I'm just gonna shoot out the tires.
00:33:51No blood shall be spilled this day.
00:33:54I mean, no additional blood.
00:33:57God damn it.
00:33:58Clio, this one's busted too.
00:34:00No, doy.
00:34:00Why do you think it was in the parking beer?
00:34:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:34:04What do we do, man?
00:34:04The only thing we can do, we gotta get to a Taco Gary's.
00:34:07It's neutral territory.
00:34:09No member of the Coalition can do business inside of a Taco Gary's restaurant.
00:34:12Can you please let me out of the car?
00:34:14It's the truth, non-believer.
00:34:15When the Coalition was founded, fights broke out for tickets off-world.
00:34:18The head elders declared their favorite restaurant, Taco Gary's, as a safe zone.
00:34:22Violators of the safe zone had their eyes melted, and their souls sold on the galactic slave market.
00:34:29It's not that bad.
00:34:30He's exaggerating.
00:34:31The galactic slave market closed about seven years ago.
00:34:33Okay, just keep going straight.
00:34:35I think there's one just over Jeremani Ridge.
00:34:36Copy that.
00:35:04Sit, sit, sit, sit.
00:35:07I'm sorry.
00:35:11Danny.
00:35:12It's okay.
00:35:13Stop staring.
00:35:14We're safe for now.
00:35:15We're safe for now, but how the heck are we going to get out of here alive?
00:35:23I don't know.
00:35:23Are you guys sure she wants to kill us?
00:35:26What she wants is what I stole, and she'll happily string us up by her testicles to get it.
00:35:30And your vagina.
00:35:31Sorry.
00:35:32You should go before you're implicated any further.
00:35:35You could shove that idea, because I'm going with you guys all the way to Ottawa.
00:35:40I've got to see this thing through, buddy.
00:35:41No, I can't be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:35:44Oh, but this guy gets to go?
00:35:46This useless piece of this guy?
00:35:48No way.
00:35:49Probably couldn't shoot a pheasant out of the sky with a sightless crossbow.
00:35:52But you know who can?
00:35:54Cash Israel.
00:35:56You're not friends with him, are you?
00:35:57Yes, I am.
00:35:58You guys are talking.
00:35:59Yeah, we're talking and we're tight.
00:36:00And he told me one thing.
00:36:02He said, I'm going to teach you everything I know, pal.
00:36:04And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
00:36:06Look, what I have here is worth 27.7 million USD.
00:36:11I cannot be responsible for another soul, Kyle.
00:36:16Fine.
00:36:17I'll leave.
00:36:19But I'm not going out without me.
00:36:24What is this?
00:36:26It's not freaking heavy.
00:36:28What the?
00:36:29It's bolted.
00:36:30It's not.
00:36:37Fine.
00:36:40God damn it.
00:36:43Okay.
00:36:45Kyle's alive.
00:36:47What are you doing?
00:36:48Jesus.
00:36:49Are you that unaware?
00:36:50I am done with all of this.
00:36:52I'm taking whatever he's stolen.
00:36:53I'm calling the police.
00:36:54You can't do that.
00:36:56What about getting to Ottawa on time, huh?
00:36:57If I stay with you, I'll probably never make it.
00:36:59You're a fucking fan.
00:37:00Go ahead.
00:37:02Did you take something out of here?
00:37:04Huh?
00:37:05What the hell?
00:37:08What the fuck?
00:37:14You truth-breaking fuck!
00:37:16What happened to Taco Gary's piece?
00:37:18I beg your pardon?
00:37:19Don't play dumb with me.
00:37:21I know you're a member of the Coalition.
00:37:22Daddy.
00:37:23Daddy!
00:37:29No, no, Kyle.
00:37:31No.
00:37:31No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:37:32Fuck.
00:37:33Fuck.
00:37:34Oh, God.
00:37:35God damn it.
00:37:37I swear to God, I'm going to rip off his fucking head,
00:37:39shove it up his ass, and fuck him.
00:37:41Shut up!
00:37:45Listen to me very closely.
00:37:48You're fucking insane.
00:37:51No, there is no but, asshole.
00:37:53Wow.
00:37:54I can't believe my own brother's turning against me, too.
00:37:57Of course you can't believe it, because it's the truth.
00:37:59Look at me.
00:37:59I have been shot and stabbed and drugged and fucking kidnapped all in the last 16 hours.
00:38:04I know this sounds crazy, but it's still all part of the plan, okay?
00:38:07I don't like seeing you like this.
00:38:08You know how hard it is?
00:38:09Oh, my God, are you actually trying to play the victim right now?
00:38:11Seriously?
00:38:12You have got to be the most selfishly psychotic fuck-up on the entire planet,
00:38:18and I am not going to let you ruin my life anymore.
00:38:21Wait, no.
00:38:21You can't go.
00:38:23This whole trip is about you.
00:38:26Mom and Dad were right to cut you out of their lives,
00:38:30and my only regret is that I didn't do the same.
00:38:35You are what's wrong with this world, Danny.
00:38:39Never contact me again.
00:38:45You coming?
00:38:49Come on, Allison.
00:38:51You are clearly a smart person.
00:38:53You want some excitement in your life?
00:38:54Just buy your Vespa.
00:38:55It's a lot safer than all this.
00:38:59I'm going to stay with Danny.
00:39:06Oh, okay.
00:39:10Okay.
00:39:12Am I the last sane person left in this entire country?
00:39:16Okay.
00:39:17Okay.
00:39:18It's okay.
00:39:19Just let him cool off a little bit.
00:39:20He ain't going far.
00:39:21You want a burrito?
00:39:22I'm starving.
00:39:24Oh, yeah.
00:39:42Excuse me.
00:39:44Hey, can I use your phone?
00:39:46I'm not allowed to let customers use the phone.
00:39:49Use your own damn phone.
00:39:50Well, that is a very good idea, except it has been stolen,
00:39:54hence why I'm asking to borrow yours.
00:39:56Customers aren't allowed.
00:39:57Well, it's an emergency.
00:39:58What kind of emergency?
00:39:59Well, I have been kidnapped and shot, for one.
00:40:02You've been shot?
00:40:03You think I'm done?
00:40:05This motherfucker.
00:40:07Would it help if I told you that my fiancé's dog has been kidnapped
00:40:09by a one-eyed Portuguese man, and I need to tell the police about it?
00:40:13Of course.
00:40:15Okay.
00:40:26911, what's your emergency?
00:40:27Yes, hello, hi.
00:40:28My name is Luke Davenport, and I have been kidnapped by my brother, Danny Davenport.
00:40:32I believe he is wanted, or maybe we both are, but I am the victim here.
00:40:36I was the one who was kidnapped, and I have been drugged, and I have been shot, and-
00:40:40One moment, please.
00:40:45So, what brings you out here?
00:40:48Were you not listening?
00:40:49Oh, the dog got right.
00:40:52Is your brother currently with you?
00:40:54No, he is not.
00:40:55What's your location?
00:40:57Hey, what's the name of this place?
00:40:58Huh?
00:41:00What's that?
00:41:01Where are we?
00:41:04You know, if anything happens to my little rough-ruff, I'll do the same.
00:41:08I don't.
00:41:13I'll tell your fucking head.
00:41:15I'll tell your fucking head.
00:41:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm on your side.
00:41:19Oh, man, man, man, man, you're saying.
00:41:20I don't even sound like that.
00:41:21Come on.
00:41:22Oh, what the fuck is that?
00:41:23Sir, that's my penis.
00:41:25Wow.
00:41:25Very nice.
00:41:26He's very nice.
00:41:27But a lot of skin.
00:41:28What's wrong with that?
00:41:28What's happening here?
00:41:29What?
00:41:29No.
00:41:29You don't understand.
00:41:30I would take it against my will.
00:41:32Shut the fuck up.
00:41:34No, it's Danny that you want, and I can tell you where he's going.
00:41:38You think I'm dumb?
00:41:40Ah, he's going to Ottawa.
00:41:42Him and your other accomplice.
00:41:43The kooky guy with the beautiful hair.
00:41:45They are not my accomplices.
00:41:47So you do think I'm dumb?
00:41:48Okay.
00:41:49That's how we're going to play?
00:41:50No, listen, I just, I just, I need to talk to a lawyer, okay?
00:41:52I do get one phone call.
00:41:53Oh, my friend, that is what you're on.
00:41:55You see, I'm not the police, and you don't get to call nobody.
00:42:00What?
00:42:03What?
00:42:10Someone?
00:42:14Ah, ah, yeah.
00:42:16What?
00:42:35What is this place?
00:42:37My summer bomb shelter, of course.
00:42:40Jason Biggs.
00:42:41What?
00:42:42Were you expecting Todd Simmons or something?
00:42:44Uh-oh.
00:42:46That was good.
00:42:47Oh, my goodness.
00:42:47That was fantastic.
00:42:49Oh, yeah.
00:42:51You're supposed to be dead.
00:42:52God, you look terrible, buddy.
00:42:54Tiago, did you offer him a drink?
00:42:55I did not.
00:42:55What about some mango?
00:42:56I could slice one up for you.
00:42:58I'm okay.
00:43:00What do you think, Tiago?
00:43:01Should we, like, tie him up or something?
00:43:03Is that a good idea?
00:43:03No, it's really whatever you feel, Jason.
00:43:05I don't know, Tiago.
00:43:06That's why I was asking you.
00:43:08Do we even have rope?
00:43:09Oh, we have rope.
00:43:10Okay, great.
00:43:10Then we might as well use it, right?
00:43:13Maybe some duct tape for his mouth?
00:43:15Huh?
00:43:16How's that look?
00:43:17Perfect.
00:43:17Great.
00:43:18Well done, Tiago.
00:43:19Go have yourself some mango.
00:43:21Hey, man, I don't want to be rude, but I'm kind of, like, up to here with mangoes for
00:43:24today.
00:43:25So.
00:43:31Suit yourself.
00:43:33Lots of good mangoes not being taken advantage of.
00:43:36Sure.
00:43:36So, you are probably wondering, why haven't we shot you in the face yet?
00:43:42It's because we need your brother, the criminal, formerly known as Sheriff Deacon Shrimp.
00:43:49You see, I am the victim here, okay?
00:43:53Sure.
00:43:54Myself and thousands of others may be faking our death in order to, well, I'm sure you
00:44:00know all that.
00:44:04What's that?
00:44:10Do you get, what?
00:44:11Just one more time.
00:44:14This is making me so uncomfortable.
00:44:16This whole, like, you know, tied up interrogation vibe, it makes me feel like the bad guy.
00:44:20And you're not the bad guy.
00:44:21Exactly.
00:44:21You are the victim.
00:44:23Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Let's scale it back.
00:44:24Yeah, a little bit.
00:44:25Okay, let's scale it back.
00:44:26Okay.
00:44:31Nope.
00:44:32Oh, okay.
00:44:35How does this look, Tiago?
00:44:36Yeah, you know, it looks like two guys just casually enjoying mangoes.
00:44:40Perfect.
00:44:41Perfect.
00:44:42Okay, great.
00:44:42Great.
00:44:43Now, where was I?
00:44:44Ah, yes.
00:44:45The point is, I am not hurting anyone.
00:44:49But if I don't have my ticket, this whole charade would be for naught.
00:44:54Right?
00:44:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:55Right.
00:44:56So, I need you to contact your brother and explain the situation.
00:45:00What is the situation?
00:45:01That I'm being held hostage?
00:45:04Hold up.
00:45:05Whoa.
00:45:06Wait a minute.
00:45:07Stop that.
00:45:08Yikes.
00:45:09Woo, big word.
00:45:09No, that's, uh, that word.
00:45:11And again, I am not the bad guy.
00:45:15Okay?
00:45:16You know what?
00:45:17Yep.
00:45:17Tiago?
00:45:18Yep.
00:45:18Bring the ropes back.
00:45:20Okay.
00:45:21Much better.
00:45:22Much better.
00:45:23Now,
00:45:24you need to inform your brother that he has 24 hours to find that Kyle friend of his.
00:45:30Uh, it's, it's Clyle.
00:45:32What?
00:45:32His name is Clyle.
00:45:34Are you, like, stuttering?
00:45:35No, it's Clyle.
00:45:37Clyle?
00:45:38With a gonelous sound?
00:45:39Yeah.
00:45:40Huh.
00:45:40K-L-Y-L-E.
00:45:42Oh.
00:45:43Oh.
00:45:43Stupid name.
00:45:44Yeah.
00:45:45That does explain, though, why he's been so difficult to track.
00:45:47He got you.
00:45:48Yeah.
00:45:48Very clever.
00:45:49Very clever.
00:45:50Regardless.
00:45:51You need to facilitate returning what is rightfully mine, or...
00:45:57This dog gets it.
00:45:59Who, whose dog is that?
00:46:01Lives are on the line here!
00:46:04Don't make Tiago become the bad guy.
00:46:06I'll do it, but I don't want to.
00:46:07Daddy doesn't even have a cell phone.
00:46:09There's literally no way to contact him.
00:46:10Oh, well, in that case, Tiago.
00:46:12Bye-bye, puppy.
00:46:12No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I just remembered.
00:46:15He gave me this.
00:46:19Damn it.
00:46:20Oopsie.
00:46:20Tiago?
00:46:21Yeah?
00:46:23Did we not frisk him?
00:46:24I did.
00:46:25I did, Jason, I swear.
00:46:26It's just I got super distracted by his massive amount of foreskin, man.
00:46:30It was like tickling a sharp paint, man.
00:46:32You could feel all that?
00:46:33Dude, you can see it!
00:46:35Oh, my God.
00:46:36Wow.
00:46:37You can see it.
00:46:38Yep.
00:46:39Very nice.
00:46:40What is it?
00:46:41I don't know.
00:46:41He told me it's like a locating beacon for if we ever get separated.
00:46:47This is obviously just a black Rubik's cube.
00:46:50Well, I see what's happening.
00:46:51You think we're done.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:52No, no, no.
00:46:53Nope.
00:46:54No, not at all.
00:46:56I know my tech, and that is definitely some elder high tech right there.
00:47:00Okay, fine.
00:47:02How does it work, smart guy?
00:47:03I don't know.
00:47:07Um...
00:47:08How does it work?
00:47:08What if I just twist it?
00:47:10Good thinking.
00:47:11Great.
00:47:11You too.
00:47:12No, no, no, no, no!
00:47:36Born a worm, spins a cocoon, goes to sleep, wakes up a butterfly.
00:47:45Oh, what the fuck is that about?
00:47:50What the fuck is that about?
00:48:10There's Mr. Sleepyhead.
00:48:12What happened?
00:48:14I don't know.
00:48:14You were just having one crazy-ass nightmare or something.
00:48:17I'm just kidding.
00:48:18Jason Biggs really did kidnap you.
00:48:20I figured you'd wander off at some point and get snagged by one of his minions, so the
00:48:24beacon I gave you was actually an elder stun grenade.
00:48:29What the fuck is going on?
00:48:34I haven't been completely honest with you.
00:48:36No shit!
00:48:37The police aren't the only ones that are after me.
00:48:39I had in my possession extremely classified information, proof that aliens not only exist
00:48:44but have been living amongst us since the 1996 Summer Olympics.
00:48:51You just had your first run in with a member of the coalition.
00:48:54They're a group of tech giants and celebrities and politicians who have been secretly dealing
00:48:58with said extraterrestrial beings, we call them elders, selling Earth's natural resources
00:49:03for decades.
00:49:09The coalition agreed to let the elders suck the Earth dry under two conditions.
00:49:14One, that they would provide space shuttles to go to a new habitable world.
00:49:17And two, that they'd get 10% of the back end.
00:49:24Why do you think so many rich and famous people have been dying at such a rapid pace these
00:49:28last few years?
00:49:29Take Jason Biggs for instance.
00:49:30It's because they're not dying.
00:49:31They're covering up for the fact that they're leaving this godforsaken rock for greener pastures.
00:49:35I didn't believe it either until I saw Jason Biggs face down in a mango.
00:49:38It might be the most insane conspiracy theory on the planet, but if everything Danny's saying
00:49:42is true, then we gotta do something about it.
00:49:45I don't care.
00:49:48Stop involving me in this.
00:49:50We want to let the world know that the planet is being sold off by the coalition.
00:49:54I don't care!
00:49:55I just want to go to Ottawa, that's it!
00:49:58We're gonna make it to Ottawa, and you're gonna get there on time.
00:50:00And once the whistle is blown, no one can touch us.
00:50:02Like Snowden and other tattletales, we'll be protected and our names will be cleared.
00:50:06But, you're gonna have to stick with us.
00:50:08Okay, buddy?
00:50:10How do you feel about that?
00:50:20Goddamn coalition.
00:50:21We don't have time for this.
00:50:23Ooh!
00:50:35You all right?
00:50:36I just want a better life.
00:50:39A fresh start in a new place.
00:50:41You'll get it.
00:50:42One way or another.
00:50:44Look at what he has done to me.
00:50:48Oh wait.
00:50:49You can't.
00:50:50Because you prefer to be blind.
00:50:54This isn't normal!
00:50:55There's no such thing as normal, Luke.
00:50:57Look, I used to have a strong narrative that I believed in,
00:50:59but after my mom's death and losing everything to a houseboat fire,
00:51:03I realized the only way I was gonna survive this chaotic world is
00:51:07if I just kept admitting to myself that I don't get it.
00:51:09I had to accept the absurdity.
00:51:11Except the chaos.
00:51:12Except the Todd Simmons of it all.
00:51:14Okay, we gotta go.
00:51:15Right now.
00:51:24Hey, boss, I just have a couple of notes, but I don't want you to take this the wrong way.
00:51:30Okay?
00:51:31Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
00:51:32Okay, sometimes I feel like we can shorten the time between talking to the people and killing them.
00:51:40That's a good note.
00:51:41Good note.
00:51:42You know, the power that you exude when you, like, say less is wow.
00:51:47I understand what you're saying.
00:51:48I get it.
00:51:48I get it.
00:51:49Thank you, Tiago.
00:51:50But do, like, do you though?
00:51:51Yes, Tiago.
00:51:51I said I get it.
00:51:53God.
00:51:59I have what you seek, and if you'd like to end this race, come to the following coordinates
00:52:04with 27.7 million dollars and a large Gucci Vuitton briefcase.
00:52:09This is quiet, by the way.
00:52:11You know I don't mess around.
00:52:19I don't turn this off.
00:52:20I was not shitting.
00:52:29No, I'm pretty far away.
00:52:30What?
00:52:31No, because I'm pretty far away.
00:52:33Okay.
00:52:35Hey, Tiago, what rhymes with 12.30 a.m.?
00:52:38Phlegm.
00:52:39Phlegm.
00:52:40Okay, yeah, I can make that work.
00:52:42Oh, looks like Clio just crossed the border.
00:52:45How do you know?
00:52:46Oh, same reason I knew where Luke was.
00:52:48Microchips.
00:52:49You see, your soccer mom conspiracy theorist thinks that the government tracks us through
00:52:53vaccines.
00:52:53Not true.
00:52:54In fact, not even the elders have that kind of tech.
00:52:56No, it's anytime you go get your teeth cleaned or a cavity filled, the dentist injects you with
00:53:00microchips.
00:53:01So you're saying all dentists are actually undercover government agents?
00:53:04Contractors, yes.
00:53:05Think about it.
00:53:05I mean, have you ever met a dentist that doesn't seem like they're hiding some horrible secret?
00:53:09The answer is no.
00:53:11So, what's our plan for crossing, Badger?
00:53:13Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:53:18Now it's time for you to get a taste of your own bullshit.
00:53:21Go on, tell them, Allison.
00:53:22Tell them that you're not really a badger or whatever the fucker.
00:53:25No, no, no, better yet.
00:53:26Why don't you say, I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:31Luke, I don't think you...
00:53:32No, no, no.
00:53:32Just tell them the truth.
00:53:38I haven't been completely honest with you, Danny.
00:53:42What do you mean?
00:53:49I mean, the subterranean bobsled track that was big enough to smuggle cars to collapse last fall.
00:53:54We're going to have to pass across 9-11 using a basic diversion tactic.
00:53:57From 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., there are only two agents stopping us from getting across.
00:53:59From there, it's a straight shot to Highway 34.
00:54:02Damn it!
00:54:03So your subterranean bobsled track, that's like a Canadian version of an underground railroad.
00:54:08Shut up!
00:54:08Well, it would have been perfect, no matter.
00:54:10So, uh, what's your diversion plan?
00:54:12I'll leave that up to you, but it's got to be big.
00:54:15Afterwards, meet up at these coordinates just north of the border.
00:54:17Copy that.
00:54:18Roger.
00:54:19Over and out.
00:54:20These days, it's hard to hold anyone's attention, so it's got to make as little sense as possible.
00:54:24We need to make a few stops.
00:54:38You can't even make it a little bit faster.
00:54:38Well, that went smoothly.
00:54:41Okay.
00:54:41According to Clio Seath, he's just off the main road by Big Mountain Crest.
00:54:45Aren't you going to even ask me how I made it look like I sucked the blood out of that
00:54:47live chicken
00:54:48without actually having...
00:54:53Yeah.
00:55:18What happened?
00:55:19Is that rhetorical or can you actually not see?
00:55:22Both.
00:55:32I can tell by Clio's teeth he's still alive.
00:55:35We just have to follow his tracks.
00:55:37You can see here he was dragged off by several people
00:55:40or one person who was really good at breakdancing.
00:55:43We'll go with the former.
00:55:49You okay bud?
00:55:50Oh yeah, I'm totally cool, man.
00:55:53I know that look.
00:55:54You look like you're about to have a psychotic break.
00:55:57Right? Again, Danny.
00:55:58You've actually been right about a lot lately.
00:56:01But...
00:56:01No, there's no but, man.
00:56:03You're fucking Galileo.
00:56:04You're the boy with the wolf.
00:56:06In fact, I can't believe I'm about to say this
00:56:08after everything that you put me through,
00:56:09but I am sorry for ever doubting you.
00:56:13You clearly know more about how the world works than I do.
00:56:16I would give you a hug right now if I could, but you know.
00:56:19Well, that's so sweet.
00:56:22I'm glad you finally came around.
00:56:24Yeah.
00:56:28Aw, love you, man.
00:56:29Love you, too.
00:56:32Fuck!
00:56:33Back off! Back off!
00:56:35Cops!
00:56:36I am Cops! I am being Cops!
00:56:37I'm the only one who talks!
00:56:38No, no, no, no!
00:56:39No!
00:56:41That's better!
00:56:42Ow!
00:56:42What are you doing?
00:56:43Ow!
00:56:44Ow!
00:56:44Ow!
00:56:46Stop!
00:56:46Stop!
00:56:47Ooh!
00:56:48Fuck!
00:56:49Stop!
00:56:50Jesus Christ!
00:56:52You look at me!
00:56:53You can't even see!
00:56:54You can't see any of this!
00:56:55Get the fucking glasses!
00:56:56What?
00:56:57No, stop!
00:56:57Okay, enough!
00:56:58Fuck!
00:57:00Ah!
00:57:01Ah!
00:57:01Fuck!
00:57:02I did too much!
00:57:02Give me one more!
00:57:03Ah!
00:57:03Yeah, we're even!
00:57:04Okay!
00:57:08Bobby!
00:57:09Wait!
00:57:09What about our deal?
00:57:10I'm dealing with this!
00:57:11Hey!
00:57:11A deal is a deal!
00:57:12We signed the contract at Taco Gary's Coca-Cola Picante!
00:57:14I did my part!
00:57:15Hey!
00:57:16Take your damn ticket!
00:57:19Wait up!
00:57:21Good luck!
00:57:25Got the golden ticket!
00:57:27I'm not mad, bro!
00:57:28I'm proud of you for taking the initiative!
00:57:30You don't need me anymore!
00:57:31Let me go!
00:57:32There's no point in leaving, Luke!
00:57:35I haven't been completely honest with you!
00:57:38There is no job in Ottawa!
00:57:40Nice try!
00:57:41Go fuck yourself!
00:57:42There's not!
00:57:42I made the whole thing up!
00:57:44It's not gonna work!
00:57:45Alright, if you don't believe me,
00:57:47take the name of that new dinosaur,
00:57:50Snomastot,
00:57:50and spell it backwards!
00:57:53As if...
00:57:54That's...
00:57:54That's the stupidest thing I've ever...
00:57:56You...
00:57:57You...
00:58:02No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:04No.
00:58:05No.
00:58:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:06It spells Todd Simmons, doesn't it?
00:58:10I'm sorry, brother,
00:58:11but the ends justify the beans, okay?
00:58:13This is for your own good!
00:58:17It was you?
00:58:19This...
00:58:20This...
00:58:20Whole time?
00:58:21The...
00:58:22Months...
00:58:22Of emails...
00:58:24And...
00:58:25The...
00:58:26Calls?
00:58:27The...
00:58:27Fucking...
00:58:28Femur bump?
00:58:29Yeah.
00:58:30It was a lot of work,
00:58:31but I knew it was the only way to safely get you to Ottawa.
00:58:37Why do you hate me so much?
00:58:38I don't hate you!
00:58:39I love you!
00:58:41And it doesn't change anything!
00:58:43Whether you like it or not,
00:58:44I'm the one that got you into this mess,
00:58:46and I'm the only one who could get you out,
00:58:47so we have to stick together.
00:58:49Alright, look, feel free to punch me.
00:58:51I deserve it.
00:58:51Come on, let me have it.
00:58:52I can't feel my face anyway.
00:59:10Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:12Just let me explain everything, alright?
00:59:15Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:18Come on, bro, I'm sorry.
00:59:20Clile, you dirty piece of shit.
00:59:23I know exactly what happened here.
00:59:25He's trying to give the prize back to the Coalition,
00:59:27but got taken instead.
00:59:29The backstabber becomes the backstab...
00:59:32Stabby got stabbed in the back, guy.
00:59:35If he only knew that money would be completely worthless
00:59:37in two weeks anyways.
00:59:42Who's that?
00:59:44It's...
00:59:44It's Jason Biggs.
00:59:45He's trying to...
00:59:47Never mind.
00:59:49Watch your knees.
00:59:50There we go.
00:59:50Here we go.
00:59:51Okay, do the rope.
00:59:52Rope up, rope up.
00:59:53Uh, huh?
00:59:54Then...
00:59:54Yeah, there you go.
00:59:56Okay.
00:59:56Very hostage.
00:59:57Hey, hey, look at me.
00:59:58No, look at me.
00:59:59I'm not the bad guy, okay?
01:00:01I'm as much of a victim as you are.
01:00:03You think I want to be here?
01:00:04I don't want to be doing this.
01:00:05Neither do I.
01:00:06That's why I'm out of here.
01:00:08Sweep.
01:00:08Oh, shit.
01:00:09What is he doing?
01:00:10I believe he's trying to kick us.
01:00:13Sweep.
01:00:13Then that's why you never take martial arts lessons from Cash Israel.
01:00:17It's all leg sweeps.
01:00:18Sweep.
01:00:18Marco.
01:00:19Okay.
01:00:21Sweep.
01:00:21Go over there.
01:00:23Marco.
01:00:24Follow.
01:00:25Okay, now go over there.
01:00:26Sweep.
01:00:26Follow.
01:00:28How long do we let you start?
01:00:29Get in my way.
01:00:30What is he doing?
01:00:31Act dick.
01:00:33Hey, hey.
01:00:35Hey, hey.
01:00:35Send me a case, man.
01:00:36Yeah, that was really fun.
01:00:36Hey, come.
01:00:37Okay.
01:00:38Listen, let's lay down over there, man.
01:00:39Is the rest area?
01:00:39Yeah, rest area.
01:00:40Just watch the knees.
01:00:41Watch the knees.
01:00:42Here?
01:00:42Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:00:43I got you.
01:00:45Shit.
01:00:49Oh, God.
01:00:50I can't see it.
01:00:51Let's put the light on the car.
01:00:52Go check the minivan.
01:00:52It's gotta be in there somewhere.
01:00:54Yes!
01:00:54They don't have it yet.
01:00:55Hold my way.
01:00:56Wait.
01:00:56Wait a minute.
01:00:57Remember when Clio was talking about a secret smuggling compartment under the minivan passenger
01:01:01seat?
01:01:01Holy shit.
01:01:03They killed him.
01:01:03Yes!
01:01:04It has to be there.
01:01:04Come on.
01:01:08Come on, bro.
01:01:10Ah!
01:01:12She stranded us here!
01:01:14I should've known better.
01:01:15It's like Todd Simmons always said.
01:01:17Danny!
01:01:17Hang on.
01:01:19Hang on.
01:01:21I think it's in here.
01:01:22I got it!
01:01:23I got it!
01:01:24I found it!
01:01:25I got it!
01:01:26I don't care!
01:01:27Well, you should care.
01:01:27This is probably the most important thing that you'll ever crack!
01:01:30Ah!
01:01:30Shit!
01:01:35Sir!
01:01:36Can I have a hug?
01:01:38Sir, can I just please have one hug?
01:01:44Sorry, man.
01:01:46Oh.
01:01:48Let's do this.
01:01:48Wait.
01:01:49How many times did you drink me again?
01:01:50I don't know.
01:01:51Like five?
01:01:52I need a bump of coke.
01:01:55Oh, dear.
01:01:56You're gonna be kidding me!
01:01:58Ah!
01:01:59Ah!
01:02:00Ah!
01:02:01Ah!
01:02:02Ah!
01:02:03Ah!
01:02:04Come on!
01:02:05Ah!
01:02:09Ah!
01:02:12Ah!
01:02:15Ah!
01:02:16Ah!
01:02:17Ah!
01:02:17Ah!
01:02:17Ah!
01:02:18Ah!
01:02:18Ah!
01:02:20Whoa!
01:02:20Sorry, man!
01:02:22Okay.
01:02:23Oh, fuck!
01:02:24No!
01:02:25Oh, god.
01:02:26Ah!
01:02:27Too many fucking pedals!
01:02:29Ah, I can't...
01:02:30God!
01:02:31This is work!
01:02:32Fuck!
01:02:38No, leave me alone!
01:02:46Hang on, Danny!
01:03:05Oh, my God!
01:03:06No!
01:03:17Welcome back to Taco Gary's.
01:03:21Check your weapons in with me, sir.
01:03:37Okay, buddy, wakey-wakey.
01:03:42It's okay, it's okay.
01:03:43You're safe now.
01:03:44What happened?
01:03:44Where are we?
01:03:45Are we in the show?
01:03:46No, we're at Taco Gary's.
01:03:47You passed out.
01:03:48Really?
01:03:48Yeah.
01:03:49That doesn't sound like me.
01:03:50I must have been trying to teach you a valuable life lesson or something.
01:03:53Hey, guys.
01:03:54I gotta say, this has been a blast.
01:03:57Really, all the chasing and the shooting.
01:04:00Wow.
01:04:00How fun.
01:04:01Okay, it has had its moments.
01:04:03Come on, right?
01:04:04We've been having a great time.
01:04:05What was your favorite?
01:04:06Like the Marco Polo?
01:04:07Marco Polo was funny.
01:04:08That was really funny.
01:04:09Watching him run around, he was like...
01:04:11He thought there were like six of you.
01:04:12Yeah, I wasn't.
01:04:12It was great.
01:04:14Anyway, please hand it over.
01:04:15Oh, you want it?
01:04:17Okay, listen.
01:04:18This motherfucker.
01:04:19We are aware...
01:04:20Okay, shh, shh, shh.
01:04:21We are aware of the Taco Gary's truce, but you're gonna have to leave eventually if you
01:04:25want to catch that shuttle.
01:04:26Oh, really?
01:04:27So you could kill us, too?
01:04:28If you just hand over the ticket, we will let bygones be bygones.
01:04:32You blew my best friend's head off.
01:04:35He said you were just associates.
01:04:36No, we were best...
01:04:39Actually, you know what?
01:04:40I never really liked the guy.
01:04:41Hey, guys.
01:04:42Look me in the eyeball.
01:04:43Right here.
01:04:43Okay?
01:04:44Last chance to save your skins.
01:04:45Please just fucking hand it over.
01:04:47Yeah, just give it back to him, baby.
01:04:48No.
01:04:49Fuck you, Jason Biggs, and your Portuguese Popeye.
01:04:52Super rude.
01:04:52People need to know about this.
01:04:54Why?
01:04:54So they can pretend to know what's best for humanity?
01:04:56Please.
01:04:58Leave that to us celebrities.
01:05:00Yeah, and celebrity-adjacent people.
01:05:01No.
01:05:02You talked about this to me.
01:05:03Just celebrities.
01:05:04Sorry I did it again.
01:05:05That is enough.
01:05:06Oh, my goodness.
01:05:11What's this now?
01:05:12It's a piss-eyed elder.
01:05:13What?
01:05:13A fucking alien, dude.
01:05:1613 days remain to drive Taco Gary's.
01:05:19Chaos D'O.
01:05:27You, too.
01:05:28Stand up.
01:05:29Your majesty, these are the ones that have-
01:05:31Silence, unless you would like to ejaculate guacamole picante.
01:05:35What?
01:05:36I can make any human secrete guacamole picante from any orifice.
01:05:40Behold.
01:05:48See?
01:05:49What do you want, you conquistador?
01:05:53Clever.
01:05:55Follow me, Daniel.
01:05:57Lucas?
01:05:59We travel by Silver Sonic.
01:06:03No one would suspect the master race of the galaxy to drive a spacious yet affordable compact sedan.
01:06:07A great cover with a great turning radius.
01:06:10Just get to the point.
01:06:11Ah, yes.
01:06:12I have been following you two for some time now.
01:06:14Creepy.
01:06:15You want to expose us?
01:06:17Hell yeah, we do.
01:06:18This can't be.
01:06:19How?
01:06:20Why is-
01:06:21A galactic super race interested in Earth?
01:06:23I will soon show you.
01:06:25Trust me, Luke.
01:06:25You don't want to know.
01:06:26No, no, no.
01:06:27He should know the whole truth.
01:06:29We are here for the same reason why your people invade, well, anywhere.
01:06:35Oil.
01:06:35For fuck's sakes.
01:06:37Yes, it is true.
01:06:38Every planet in the galaxy runs on oil.
01:06:41Told you, Luke.
01:06:42It's fucking bonkers.
01:06:43We are currently collecting the last of your earthly reserves.
01:06:46Once our extraction is complete, we plan on exterminating all life on this planet.
01:06:51Why?
01:06:53Dead organic material mixes with other sediment when buried.
01:06:56Over millions of years, under high pressure and high temperature, the remains of these
01:07:01organisms transform into what we know as fossil fuels.
01:07:05By exterminating all life, we are simply creating a new oil reserve to be harvested in 16 million
01:07:11years, which to an elder is not long at all.
01:07:14Well, we did the same process with the organisms you call dinosaurs.
01:07:19You killed the dinosaurs?
01:07:20Literally my one and only interest?
01:07:23I told you you weren't ready.
01:07:24No, no, no, no.
01:07:25This doesn't make any sense, because if you can fly through space and live for millions
01:07:29of years, then why don't you just synthesize your own fucking oil?
01:07:31Well, it is very political.
01:07:34Too many jobs would be lost by transitioning to greener hypercoils.
01:07:38Fucking unions.
01:07:39However, we are not barbarian invaders.
01:07:42Therefore, we have made a deal with your chieftains.
01:07:45In exchange for the oil and destruction of all life, we have allowed for passage to a
01:07:50brand new planet development in the Midwestern Milky Way.
01:07:54I think I'm going to throw up.
01:07:58Was it something I said?
01:08:00Uh, yeah.
01:08:01It's everything you said.
01:08:03Listen, human.
01:08:05We elders are not without our empathy.
01:08:08I feel your plight and your anguish.
01:08:13Cool.
01:08:14You'll be glad to know that I will be asking our board of directors for a 100-year delay
01:08:18in humanity's destruction.
01:08:20100 years?
01:08:21Yes.
01:08:22All you must do is continue to keep our existence a secret.
01:08:27Why?
01:08:28I wasn't sworn to anything.
01:08:29I'm not part of the coalition.
01:08:30You are now.
01:08:47I will transfer the 27.7 million dollars into your bank account immediately.
01:08:53Was that all?
01:08:54You're forgetting one thing.
01:08:56Ah, yes.
01:08:57I will also free the squid people underneath Santa Fe, New Mexico.
01:09:01Great.
01:09:02I gotta hand it to you.
01:09:03I was not expecting this from a smug alien fuck like yourself, but you got yourself a deal.
01:09:09Fantastic.
01:09:10Now we seal the agreement with a simple genital cupping.
01:09:13Of course we do.
01:09:14Fucking weirdos.
01:09:17They're a little higher.
01:09:18All right.
01:09:19All right.
01:09:20Oh, Jesus.
01:09:23Come now.
01:09:31Ow.
01:09:33Ow.
01:09:34Oh, dear lock.
01:09:36There.
01:09:37Happy now?
01:09:38We got all the proof that you need and then we can just return the whatever the fuck to
01:09:41Jason and...
01:09:42What the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:09:44We were just about to...
01:09:46Actually, you know what?
01:09:47Fuck it.
01:09:47It's better this way.
01:09:47Come on.
01:09:48Let's go.
01:09:48What about the alien?
01:09:51Oh, yeah.
01:09:53Uh...
01:09:54I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:09:56God damn it.
01:09:57The plan was never to reveal them to the world or blow any whistles, okay?
01:10:01Then why are you doing all of this?
01:10:03What is the point?
01:10:04Why did I just assault a freaking alien?
01:10:07I didn't tell you to do that.
01:10:08Look, whatever.
01:10:09The world's about to end and the shuttle's leaving today, so forget this thing.
01:10:12And it's a two-headed dick.
01:10:13Come on.
01:10:25Please, answer the question.
01:10:27Why are you trying to fuck me over so hard?
01:10:29Why am I here?
01:10:31I told you, the shuttle is here.
01:10:32What shuttle?
01:10:35Fuck!
01:10:37Bingo bongo.
01:10:38Oh, it's going to be confirmed.
01:10:40Welcome.
01:10:40The entrance to the spaceport is around here somewhere.
01:10:43I'm 99.7% sure this is where the elders first made contact.
01:10:46This is where they had their first Taco Gary's Taco.
01:10:48It has to be here.
01:10:49It could look like anything.
01:10:50It could be tiny.
01:10:51It could be invisible.
01:10:52It definitely won't look like a door.
01:10:53Come on.
01:11:20Is this it?
01:11:27Yes, yes, good eye, yes, come on, come on, come on.
01:11:38Damn, damn, damn.
01:11:43Yo, go!
01:11:44Shit!
01:11:47Welcome to Taco Gary's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:11:52Holy shit.
01:11:54Hm?
01:12:00Welcome to the Taco Gary's Interstellar Spaceport.
01:12:04Located in beautiful Ottawa, birthplace of the Bingo Ball.
01:12:10Don't forget to post your flight attendant above Taco Gary's name.
01:12:14So dear, with our famous sloppy sauce.
01:12:17It's always fun to be honest at Taco Gary's.
01:12:21So eat up, like there's no tomorrow.
01:12:25Luke, I haven't been completely honest with you.
01:12:29Yeah, I know that.
01:12:30No, but you don't know why.
01:12:32The reason I haven't been completely honest with you until this exact moment
01:12:35is because you'd never believe it all at once.
01:12:38It's fair.
01:12:39When I found out that we only had a couple weeks left,
01:12:41I knew I had to get you on the last shuttle out of here.
01:12:43And I know, I've done nothing but lie to you.
01:12:46But if there was ever a time for you to trust me, it's right now.
01:12:51So you're gonna take this ticket, and you're gonna get on that shuttle.
01:12:55You know why?
01:12:57Because your life depends on it.
01:12:59Take it.
01:13:01But it's my ticket.
01:13:03It was meant for me.
01:13:04You are not seeming to grasp the complaint here.
01:13:07Present it, and you may board.
01:13:08It was stolen!
01:13:09Oh, that's too bad.
01:13:10Possession may be nine-tenths of the law for humans.
01:13:12It is 100% for elders.
01:13:14We do not have laws against stealing.
01:13:16What? Why not?
01:13:17Because we do not steal.
01:13:18Duh.
01:13:19Ha-ha.
01:13:19Every elder has what he slash she slash he needs.
01:13:22And it's portable gasoline.
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:24What was that?
01:13:25Hmm?
01:13:25What?
01:13:26What?
01:13:26To the excess what?
01:13:27I missed it, what?
01:13:27Look, this isn't fair, okay?
01:13:29I faked my own death already!
01:13:30I'm sorry.
01:13:31But no ticket.
01:13:32No boarding.
01:13:33Jason, look!
01:13:36Go, go, go, go!
01:13:40Next.
01:13:40Attention all passengers.
01:13:42The shuttle will be boarding in seven minutes.
01:13:44But what about you?
01:13:45Don't worry about me.
01:13:46You've done enough of that in your life.
01:13:47Okay?
01:13:48This is me returning the favor.
01:13:49No, no.
01:13:50Because if all that were true, then why me, man?
01:13:54And why not like a doctor or even a competent swimmer?
01:13:58Because you offer something that most of these self-entitled important people here don't.
01:14:03You are a good person.
01:14:06You care about your neighbors, your family.
01:14:08You make people feel good about themselves.
01:14:10Yeah, sure, the new world will need innovators and goal-driven risk-takers to keep humanity moving forward.
01:14:17But kind, delicate, good neighbors like yourself are the foundation.
01:14:22So knowing that there'll be good people like you on Earth 2.0 gives me hope.
01:14:27And that's more than enough for me.
01:14:31This is absolutely insane.
01:14:33I know it is.
01:14:34It's fucking insane.
01:14:35But I need you to embrace the chaos.
01:14:37I need you to accept the Todd Simmons of it all.
01:14:40Look, I'm asking you.
01:14:42Do you trust me?
01:14:50I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...
01:14:53Yeah.
01:14:56Cough, cough.
01:14:58I can't believe my good luck.
01:15:00Makes me wonder why I didn't just wait for you guys here.
01:15:02But alas, can't change the past.
01:15:05Anyway, this is the part of the story.
01:15:07Hello?
01:15:08What?
01:15:08You're doing it again, man.
01:15:09Doing what again?
01:15:10The fucking monologue we talked about.
01:15:12Sorry.
01:15:12Can I please just shoot them?
01:15:13You're right.
01:15:13Much simpler.
01:15:14No more monologues.
01:15:19Tiago?
01:15:20Yep.
01:15:20That was on me.
01:15:21So sorry.
01:15:22What the fuck, man?
01:15:33It's like...
01:15:43What are you doing now?
01:15:51Oopsie.
01:15:52Looks like it's over, no?
01:15:55You see, we are covering the only exit.
01:15:59But tell you what.
01:16:00You come on out, and there will be no more bloodshed.
01:16:04From Mr. Portuguesa.
01:16:05Now that, is a Portuguese promise.
01:16:11I knew I would have one day in an office.
01:16:13What?
01:16:14Nothing.
01:16:14I have a plan.
01:16:15When I give you the signal, you run back to the space door.
01:16:19Got it?
01:16:20What about you?
01:16:20Did I tell you to stop worrying about me?
01:16:26What the fuck?
01:16:33Bingo! Bongo!
01:16:35Get your dick'ins to outer space!
01:16:39Hey, asshole!
01:16:41I have your prize!
01:16:42Come and get it!
01:16:43Jesus, what the fuck are you doing, you idiot?
01:16:46Come and get it, you mango-eating motherfuckers.
01:16:50Hey, Luke! This is the signal!
01:16:52Go, go, go! Luke, go, run!
01:16:55Thank you. Well, well, well.
01:16:58Seems to me...
01:16:59Brother, please, not another fucking monologue. Please.
01:17:01You're right. Let me just do this. Go ahead, go ahead.
01:17:03Thank you so much.
01:17:04Run, Luke!
01:17:10So many years got a face that's old
01:17:14Saw the world unfold
01:17:17And the truth be told
01:17:19In a steadfast love
01:17:22In a steadfast love
01:17:36In a steadfast love
01:17:38Oh my god, that feels so sad. It looked great.
01:17:41Thank you. It looked so good.
01:17:42Yeah, it looked really good.
01:17:43All right. Let's clean up.
01:17:45Is this empty?
01:17:46Son of a...
01:17:47It's empty!
01:17:48Put that motherfucker's right there!
01:17:49Son of a...
01:17:51Come on!
01:18:19The boarding pass, please.
01:18:23I know what you're thinking. Why don't you just go ahead and shoot me already. Doesn't even matter as the
01:18:27world will end in two weeks. But this isn't easy for us.
01:18:29Jesus Christ, man. Okay?
01:18:30Can you literally not help yourself with the monologue shit?
01:18:33Sorry.
01:18:34What do you mean the world's gonna end in two weeks?
01:18:37Oh, come on.
01:18:38I told you this is the last shuttle. I thought you figured it out already.
01:18:42No, I didn't figure it out. Wait, are the elders destroying the earth?
01:18:45No, no, no. Not at all.
01:18:46Oh, thank goodness.
01:18:47Just all life on earth.
01:18:48What? Why didn't you just tell me the truth, man?
01:18:50No one wants to believe the truth anymore.
01:18:52You said I would inherit your fortune.
01:18:54You still do.
01:18:55And I have, like, two weeks to spend it?
01:18:56Twelve days, technically.
01:18:57Oh!
01:18:58You lied.
01:18:59Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:19:00Tiago.
01:19:01What are you doing, buddy?
01:19:03Come on, it's me, Jason.
01:19:05So I wasn't completely honest with you, but it was for your own good, buddy.
01:19:09I wanted your last precious moments to be lived in blissful ignorance.
01:19:14Again, I am the good guy here.
01:19:16Actually, no, Jason. You are not the good guy. You are the bad guy.
01:19:20You have always been the bad guy.
01:19:23You take that back.
01:19:25I am the hero!
01:19:28Leonardo, come on, help me out here.
01:19:32This is why you should never trust the Portuguese.
01:19:34What did you say? What was that?
01:19:34You said something about the Portuguese.
01:19:35No, nothing.
01:19:36No, fuck you, man.
01:19:37You know how it changed for you?
01:19:39And fuck this eye patch.
01:19:40You know he told me to wear it because it would make me more intimidating?
01:19:43Well, guess what?
01:19:43It doesn't. This gun does.
01:19:45New plan.
01:19:46I'm taking the fucking ticket.
01:19:50What the hell?
01:19:51What is that, like, supposed to be?
01:19:54Is that supposed to be, um...
01:19:56Uh, give me a sec.
01:19:57I can't take my eyes off it. Look at it.
01:19:59Give me a second. Give me a sec.
01:20:01Ah, but what's the significance of the boobs, though?
01:20:03It's, like, super hypnotic, but it makes no sense, though.
01:20:06Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
01:20:08It's not supposed to make any sense.
01:20:11Because it's a ruse!
01:20:13Ruse!
01:20:16Fart muffin!
01:20:21He's shot there!
01:20:22I know. Just keep running.
01:20:25It's the final boarding call from the last shuttle to New Earth.
01:20:28Doors will be closing momentarily.
01:20:30If you do not wish to be incinerated and repurposed as fossil fuel,
01:20:32please proceed to aid immediately.
01:20:41I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
01:20:52I got it.
01:20:54Excuse me, sirs.
01:20:56But murder is not allowed in a Taco Gary's.
01:20:59And this port is technically on Taco Gary's property.
01:21:03So, you know the penalty.
01:21:04You see why I kept you in the dark?
01:21:06I see it now. I'm sorry.
01:21:08Oh, wow!
01:21:10This is all your fault.
01:21:11I know! I'm sorry!
01:21:15What's that smell?
01:21:16I don't know, dear.
01:21:17Spangos?
01:21:18Spangos!
01:21:22Oh, dear.
01:21:25Welcome aboard.
01:21:31Oh, dear.
01:21:46Well, I came along to find a little piece of mind
01:21:51Neglecting all my duties, stepping off that straight in line.
01:21:54Now I just sit for my front door built within the links and sounds.
01:21:58It's like I'm watching the waves were on my brows.
01:22:03Look, Luke, this is gonna be hard to hear, but it's what Dan expected to happen all along.
01:22:09He never planned on leaving, but he didn't want you to be alone.
01:22:14I still don't get it.
01:22:15Embrace it.
01:22:16Look, this is the norm, Luke.
01:22:18The world is always ending.
01:22:20Things never make total sense, and sometimes our only option is to just go with the flow.
01:22:24It's the one thing we can control.
01:22:28Do you know who said that?
01:22:32Do you know who said that?
01:22:35Not too.
01:22:42Todd Simmons.
01:22:50And now you get it.
01:22:52you pass something down no matter where or how
01:22:56well there'll be weeds or wildflowers
01:22:58are fixed upon your boughs
01:22:59and there's a crooked burning cigarette
01:23:01rolling on your tongue
01:23:03well there'll be weeds or wildflowers
01:23:05and you're done
01:23:12you're done
01:23:53you're done
01:24:15you're done
01:24:45you're done
01:24:55you're done
01:25:29you're done
01:25:59you're done
01:26:35you're done
01:26:38you're done
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