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Mars (2024) [Full Movie] [Trending]Full EP - Full
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00:23:15where in the holy fuck are you don't worry honey i'm on my way well on my way isn't here
00:23:22if you
00:23:23don't walk through that door in seconds i'm going to phil hartman your ass actually you know what
00:23:30i've just i've just run into some pretty bad traffic on i-25 fuck you pussy you get through
00:23:36that traffic and get here to marry me yeah and you're uh yeah you're breaking up it's it's really
00:23:41hard to hear you right now i'm going to fucking bars we are now going live to the arrival of
00:23:49the
00:23:49final passenger mr capshaw just in time follow me now we're getting down to the wire here so i'm
00:23:55gonna have to get you to sign and walk this first one is a standard release form for the cameras
00:23:59and
00:23:59any promotional material we would use your likeness for okay this one absolves our company from any
00:24:05liability in case of spontaneous incineration incineration uh how often do these explode we
00:24:11don't know yet maiden voyage and all right yeah okay that makes sense this next one absolves our
00:24:17company from all liability in the event you suffer a mental breakdown oh does that happen a lot sometimes
00:24:22people go space crazy geez okay well hope that doesn't happen to me and this last one absolves
00:24:28our company from any liability in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy and shoots you or
00:24:32something are there guns on the spaceship you know i don't know the answer to that but i would be
00:24:36happy
00:24:36to look into it for you oh thank you so much that would be great but i am gonna need
00:24:40you to sign real
00:24:41quick no sure right and then steve martin gets this little tear in his eye he's looking at his daughter
00:24:48but all he can see is his little girl oh god damn it cooter why can't we watch the television
00:24:55come on you're doing good mr s cooter where is he he's on tv nobody watch it hey everybody i
00:25:04found
00:25:04another tv in the banquet room we can just power this thing up and cooter crossing the line what is
00:25:12wrong with him oh my god he's bleeding somebody call 9-1-1 it's too late cooter this man is
00:25:19look
00:25:19everybody kyle's on tv there he goes kyle capsha the last passenger onto the shuttle about to leave
00:25:26everyone on earth for more what yeah he's not getting married at all today he's going to mars
00:25:41hello straggler i'm l ron branson welcome aboard
00:25:48pick up pick up you better pick up
00:25:57burn and we are approaching liftoff 10 9
00:26:029 8 7 6 5 5 5 2 1 liftoff
00:26:32okay artificial gravity has set in listen up my fellow astronauts
00:26:38first things first when i call your name come on up get yourself a name tag and tell us a
00:26:43little
00:26:43about yourself what you did on earth and what you want to get out of this trip todd sullivan
00:26:52my name's todd i think it's stupid that we all have to stand up here and introduce ourselves
00:26:56and uh fuck name tags oh okay well well we don't have to wear them i guess but i did
00:27:03stay up all night
00:27:04making everyone individual drawings
00:27:09okay well i guess we can just eat cocktail shrimp and play debt games
00:27:13okay wimmy did your serve make it over the net uh yeah okay kyle now you take a card did
00:27:20you return
00:27:20his volley it says yeah oh good okay wimmy take another card did you return the volley
00:27:26it says i missed oh match point kyle you get a reward card
00:27:33now would you like surprise now or surprise later uh i will take surprise later you know the commercials
00:27:40made future tennis seem a lot more futurey and tennessee did you make this game l run well if you
00:27:47guys are not feeling it we could play future badminton future high lie or future darts
00:27:53uh you know i'm good i'm gonna go mingle
00:28:01hey peggy right yes you know i don't want to be super negative right out the gate but doesn't all
00:28:06of
00:28:07this seem a little less cool than they made it out to be i mean i sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:12to be here
00:28:12oh what did you sacrifice well i mean i i was actually supposed to get married today
00:28:21wow yeah but i mean i mean we all have families and friends back on earth that we just picked
00:28:26up
00:28:26and left for a month your friends will still be there for you when you get back
00:28:30i don't know about that sure they will i just told my friends gang i'll be back in a month
00:28:36and then i left them 20 bowls of food and i filled the bathtub with milk what they're drinking i'm
00:28:44gonna
00:28:44assume that you're talking about cats here you just left them with a bathtub filled with milk
00:28:50precisely peggy it's june that milk is gonna go bad in like a day or two
00:28:55what do you mean well i mean that's all you left for your cats to drink
00:28:59yeah what do you mean well what's gonna happen after the bathtub milk turns and they've got three
00:29:05and a half weeks with nothing to drink what do you mean nothing i i don't mean anything
00:29:12anyway like i said your loved ones will be there waiting for you when you get back
00:29:18okay friends listen up loser okay i'm just going to pretend i didn't hear that
00:29:27loser
00:29:29the time has come for us to go into stasis now this will be a chemical sleep that will make
00:29:34the
00:29:34next two weeks of travel feel like a two-hour cat nap
00:29:38he said cats uh is this gonna be like a shot or something
00:29:41no we will each be taking 500 easy to swallow pills
00:29:45did you say 500 500
00:29:52so we get some more water uh no
00:29:58oh god
00:30:12i slept on my arm weird
00:30:15god does the aerobed half deflated
00:30:17ah my neck
00:30:19elron i'm having a little trouble moving my neck
00:30:23how did i get over here
00:30:24well after you guys took all those ambien
00:30:26stop what ambien we took we took 500 ambien
00:30:31haha pretty cool right todd that's what stasis is isn't that how a little peep died
00:30:35oh
00:30:37oh wait oh okay you're just all gonna take them off okay
00:30:40oh hey did you guys did you guys notice my sign
00:30:43it says welcome to mars a place for friends
00:30:48oh that's yeah that's cool man
00:30:50as you can see i drew each one of us took me most of the two weeks here todd what
00:30:55do you think
00:30:55uh it sucks it's stupid you're stupid you suck
00:31:01come on todd
00:31:03oh here we go
00:31:05ladies and gentlemen in a few moments the airlock door will open and in front of the watching world
00:31:11we will become the first people to step from this ship and see mars with our own eyes
00:31:24oh this is incredible
00:31:34gather around gather around just want to lay down some ground rules for my fellow martians
00:31:42thank you jesus the first and most important rule is have fun have fun up here guys this
00:31:48is your vacation mars is for fun the second rule is do not touch the airlock because it will kill
00:31:55you now down that corridor are the sleeping pods go claim a room and be back here for our first
00:31:59martian lunch at 1400
00:32:04well hello kyle oh hey wimmy i see that you were praying again a lot of
00:32:10a lot of prayer with you all right so uh so what's your story well i'm a faithful husband
00:32:15with a wife who is quite a beauty on the inside a proud father to five angelic children i have
00:32:20type
00:32:202 diabetes and i don't believe in dinosaurs what about you uh i'm a dentist which is cool
00:32:27actually no it's not little kids hate me and uh i do believe in dinosaurs well we'll work on that
00:32:34that's why i'm here i'm a missionary of sorts i'm going to turn mars into the first completely
00:32:39christian planet okay but there aren't any people on mars aren't there oh no bon appetit whoa
00:32:52elron did you make all this yourself i had a little help from my good friend murdered midwestern
00:32:58homosexual teenager one more time elron i said this meal was actually prepared by one murdered
00:33:06midwestern homosexual teenager it's an acronym its technical name is mechanical ultra responsive
00:33:14dietary electronic robotic energized delivery meal interface dietary wellness efficiency system
00:33:19tactile edible responsorous nutrition home or mobile omnivorous sustenance expeditious xeno
00:33:24culinary user-aligned lunch tool enabled eating nourishment aging gastronomical electronic robot
00:33:29what but that's a little bit of a mouthful so we call it the murdered midwestern homosexual teenager for
00:33:35short that's really weird and offensive i think that happened this is a one-of-a-kind prototype but in
00:33:41a few years lord willing every town from chicago to new orleans will have its own murdered midwestern
00:33:46homosexual teenager gotta fix that acronym yeah some of those words seemed unnecessary you said robotic
00:33:52twice hey i didn't name it take it up with the good people at the holocaust was greatly exaggerated
00:33:57i'm sorry what it's a company it stands for technological human electronic okay so how does this thing work
00:34:04it's basically like a 3d printer for food you just say whatever you want it to make and it
00:34:09jaeger
00:34:13you got to hit that
00:34:14shit when the dj's on
00:34:16yeah baby wear my pajama when the food is wrong
00:34:20you got to hit that
00:34:22shit when they play your song
00:34:24you gotcha you gotcha you gotcha
00:34:26you gotcha
00:34:28oh yeah
00:34:45whoa hey
00:34:48wimmy good morning this is a surprise yeah you're in my bed oh well are we sure you didn't get
00:34:55in my
00:34:55bed yep this is my bed oh well last night was the first in 18 years that i didn't share
00:35:02my bed with
00:35:02my lovely on the inside wife so in my sleep i must have wandered over here mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:08for her
00:35:09okay well i'm going to get up 10 4 good buddy
00:35:21there were good people on both sides of the charlottesville fans they even put spaces in the
00:35:32you know what peggy last night was fun you know what peggy last night was fun i think this is
00:35:39a
00:35:39really great group we got here and it's cool that we're on mars
00:35:43and it's cool we're on mars you're right peggy
00:35:46fucking mars all right
00:35:51oh boy you know what that alarm means it's time for kyle's surprise oh okay what what's going on what
00:35:59are we talking about your surprise surprise later from future
00:36:02tennis oh right hey wow look at me everything's coming up kyle now i know the martian landscape
00:36:09can feel pretty foreign but you've won something that's going to make this place feel a lot more like
00:36:15home all right okay lay it on me fun okay kyle say hello to your very own talk to me
00:36:25baby what do we got
00:36:28the
00:36:29fiance
00:36:31what the fuck what the fuck
00:36:34wait how is how how how is she here now when you won future tennis i asked if you wanted
00:36:39surprise
00:36:40now or surprise later you said surprise later she shouldn't be here this is bad can we pause can we
00:36:46can we pause for a second can we make the door go back up please no kyle we have to
00:36:50get her out of
00:36:51there that's a decompression chamber they're very dangerous oh god oh god oh god oh god fuck me
00:36:56fuck me oh fuck ha ha hi pumpkin hi kyle hi i'm candace kyle's fiance that's funny kyle never talked
00:37:08about you at all yeah i did yes i know i'm sure that i did so this is this is
00:37:12crazy this is also
00:37:13surprising how are you here well when you chose surprise later i knew we had to think of something
00:37:19really good for you and as luck would have it right then candace showed up at the launch pad and
00:37:24was going on and on about how much she needed to get up here and get to you when i
00:37:28found out
00:37:29i said what the heck send her up in a supply pod nothing is more important than true love that's
00:37:34so
00:37:35cool what would have happened if he chose surprise now he would have won four hundred thousand dollars
00:37:41oh four hundred thousand dollars yeah uh candace could could we just have a little sidebar to kind
00:37:50of clear the air because you know i'm sensing a little hostility between us i'm not hostile kyle
00:37:56are you hostile no no no i just i i feel like you're in i mean i don't want to
00:38:01tell you how you feel but i
00:38:03imagine that you would have the right to be frustrated with me i'm perfectly calm kyle yeah but um
00:38:14you seem mad i'm not mad are you mad no no no i i'm not mad at all okay then
00:38:21we're not mad let's
00:38:22just drop it okay yeah yeah fine i mean it just it seems kind of weird you mother
00:38:29fuck help she's gonna kill me you dickless piece of shit okay everyone seems like the perfect time
00:38:37for a little safety meeting we've had some rather unsafe behavior recently i'm not going to name names
00:38:44but i just want to really quickly go over some of the basics first things first this is the airlock
00:38:51earlier today kyle was suggesting that we leave someone in the airlock now this is unsafe for a
00:38:56myriad of reasons if you're in this thing without a space suit when the exterior door opens the
00:39:01changing pressures could be fatal now if you do have your space suit on and you're going to take
00:39:06a walk on the martian surface you would stand on this circle and give the voice command airlock c l
00:39:13o s e
00:39:14oh airlock close thank you peggy yes that is what i was spelling exterior door opening in 30 seconds
00:39:25okay luckily we have a safeguard built in if you happen to be stuck inside the airlock without your
00:39:31spacesuit just give the voice command abort airlock procedure well then do it i am doing it i was trying
00:39:38to abort i'm sorry i didn't quite get that evacuating airlock in 20 guys you cannot say the command
00:39:48while people are talking you all have to be okay i'm gonna take it from here okay yeah just be
00:39:53quiet
00:39:53kyle i'm sorry i didn't quite get you candace now you did it i'm sorry i was telling kyle to
00:39:58be quiet for
00:39:59you i wasn't gonna say anything you just did it right there evacuate airlock in 10 seconds everyone
00:40:04shut up everyone shut up shut up kyle shut up shut up wimmy shut up stop you just talked
00:40:10kandace sorry everyone will you both shut the everyone shut up shut up abort airlock
00:40:22oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:26gosh oh my gosh
00:40:27did that just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are
00:40:33you talking about elron is dead who elron the billionaire guy that brought us here the elron the main guy
00:40:42elron oh right he died his head exploded fuck off holy shit oh that is fucking cool no it's not
00:40:54fucking cool elron branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship holy holy holy
00:41:01fat man be quiet not now okay okay okay we just we need to keep our heads together poor choice
00:41:08of words
00:41:09dude what poor choice of words what you said let's keep our heads together his head exploded the things
00:41:16you say you're inappropriate you don't realize it you're dumb holy holy he won't stop singing oh i'm
00:41:22sorry i'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess how uh by sending a little
00:41:27sos to the big
00:41:28man upstairs but wimmy god's not real peggy isn't it enough that you killed our captain do you have
00:41:37to blasphemy god while you're at it i didn't kill him you're the one who said airlock close airlock
00:41:44closed hey come on wimmy leave peggy alone she can't help it she's you know what are you saying
00:41:50kyle well i mean peggy is obviously she's you know peggy i don't want to offend you but i mean
00:41:56you're you're obviously like you have a a mental thing right are are you mentally handicapped oh i'm
00:42:06sorry no that that came out wrong look it's not going to solve anything for us to be blaming each
00:42:10other now i'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes and right now the best thing
00:42:16is for
00:42:17everyone here to just forgive everyone here so that we can all work together moving forward so we
00:42:24can all work together moving forward todd what is with the attitude i don't have an attitude well i'm
00:42:30not your dad man i know you're not my dad my dad is awesome is alron okay
00:42:43okay okay we have to get in touch with mission control tell them what happened and get them to
00:42:47pick us up and take us home i know hit this one peggy don't touch this is dangerous okay from
00:42:54now on no
00:42:55one touches anything todd telecom it's short for telecommunications mission control can you hear
00:43:03us there they are you bastards you bastard come to kill us now too guys guys we are so sorry
00:43:15about elron it
00:43:16was an accident we saw everything there's cameras uh what what do we do how do we get back home
00:43:23what
00:43:24happens okay well we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home just don't touch
00:43:31that big red button um peggy already did what you didn't hear a grinding sound did you yeah well great
00:43:42that just disengaged all the return boosters oh thank you peggy did i fix it well now now what are
00:43:48we screwed is there is there another way to get back of course there is in the sciences we always
00:43:55prepare
00:43:55for a plan b oh thank god yeah if we start constructing another ship now we can get to you
00:44:01guys in about
00:44:03five years five years did you say five years we're all gonna be stuck up here for five years five
00:44:09five whole years maybe you should have thought about that before you killed al rock branson he was a
00:44:15candle in the wind and a rocket man that dude was a nerd nerd nerd you know what that's the
00:44:25problem
00:44:26with cools you guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody well if you wanted a world
00:44:32without
00:44:33nerds then merry christmas and happy birthday you're on one nerds out no no no nerds nerds nerds no no
00:44:52i cannot get enough of things like that look at that now let's see if we can go frame by
00:44:57frame toby
00:44:57can we go frame by frame here someone get toby out of the chair and let's go frame by frame
00:45:01okay
00:45:02here we go now he's like oh i'm in trouble i'm in trouble oh boom rewind see see he's still
00:45:09alive
00:45:09there still alive there there still alive he's feeling it right there and that's where i think
00:45:15he died what about you i honestly have a hard time watching this stuff oh not me i have a
00:45:19whole folder
00:45:20of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home it's marked taxes so my wife doesn't snoop around in
00:45:24it
00:45:24getting back to the crisis at hand millions and millions of viewers around the globe are
00:45:29mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist elron branson and watching the developments with
00:45:34bated breath so much so that mars enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed so concerned citizens can
00:45:39monitor the events in the space station around the clock and with the sudden and shockingly metal
00:45:45death of the only person who knew how to operate the ship how do you think the crew's holding up
00:45:49i tell
00:45:50you it must be incredibly incredibly tense up there let's take a look at the feed where should we
00:45:56start hey why not the women's bathroom i like the way you think stupid kyle doesn't realize what he's
00:46:01giving up but you're going to remind him you're the hottest bitch on this planet pizza roast beef
00:46:15chocolate frosting lucky charms research book cocoa puffs
00:46:27hi so todd huh that's an interesting name i'm not going to stick my dick in crazy what
00:46:35you just told your boyfriend you're on a break you're hurt you're angry you want to
00:46:39fuck somebody you're being crazy oh my god i wouldn't even think okay sweet that is not why i
00:46:47came over here oh okay my mistake and for your information crazy girls are the best in bed that's
00:46:55not true that's just something crazy girls say oh hey peggy they never said there was a limit on how
00:47:06much food we could make god it stinks in here anyways just wanted to stop by and say you were
00:47:13looking
00:47:14pretty hot tonight shut up literally nobody has ever said that to me literally that's a shame
00:47:23because i think you're sexy candace you are blowing my mind right now what do you say
00:47:30okay we lock this door put on some music grab a bottle of everclear and candace i'm gonna stop
00:47:38you right there and don't stick my fingers in crazy what it's my one rule don't get me wrong candace
00:47:45you're a very attractive woman and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't flattered but i know where this
00:47:51road
00:47:51leads and it's not a place where either of us would feel good what the fuck is wrong with everyone
00:47:56on this
00:47:56space ship hey there wimmy right okay
00:48:16hi candace i was just talking to my best friend who's your best friend oh this is so hard
00:48:25what say you and i have a little drink let me stop you right there i do not imbibe but
00:48:32i am happy to
00:48:32provide some non-judgmental company while you poison your brain and jeopardize your soul with alcohol
00:48:37you're funny listen women you're a man with needs i'm a woman with needs what do you say we help
00:48:46each
00:48:46other out what no no no no no no no no no i am taken here's the tillium's clan right
00:48:52here ah what
00:49:02candace we just adulteried i adulteried i just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:11i'm sorry i just don't know what's going on with me this whole thing with me and kyle has me
00:49:17feel like i'm losing my mind i'm not usually like this i swear okay well the lord has everything
00:49:26happened for a reason so uh maybe he can use this as a teachable moment okay john 3 16 says
00:49:34for god
00:49:35so loved the earth that he gave his only begotten son yeah but wimmy we're not on earth well it
00:49:42says
00:49:42earth but it means the whole solar system well why would he say earth if he meant solar system
00:49:49candace well way back when this was written god probably had no idea that in the future man would
00:49:54make it to other planets well i i mean he knew he just he had to know he just probably
00:50:00didn't i mean
00:50:02hold on hey hey i mean i get it guys in high school i wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:08i i
00:50:09didn't even kiss a girl until i was 18 18 18 that's not nerdy that's cool no i didn't mean
00:50:1818 it wasn't
00:50:19i don't know why i said that it was way later it was like like 20 20 29 29 i
00:50:25was 29. oh okay
00:50:29that's pretty lame i guess i mean i kissed a girl when i was 28. i didn't but i could
00:50:35have
00:50:35wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute you you kissed a girl at 28 are you sure i'm
00:50:40not talking to a
00:50:41couple of cools right now yeah right get out of here you don't really think that oh i don't know
00:50:49i'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now shut up you know what would
00:50:54be really cool though if you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:51:01well i guess us cools have to stick together that's right okay well it's not gonna be easy
00:51:09but i think if we all keep our cool we'll be able to walk you through it first thing you're
00:51:16gonna need
00:51:17to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tank kyle i'm so sorry can we talk just just just a
00:51:24minute
00:51:24candace the mission control guys are helping us get home all right now to do this you'll need to
00:51:29divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return tank okay resting
00:51:34generators got it i cheated on you with wimmy with wimmy what why weird okay okay all right look
00:51:43candace that is really shitty and we will have to talk about that but i i gotta do this right
00:51:49now
00:51:49this is what i'm talking about i travel all the way through space to get to mars to talk to
00:51:55you
00:51:55and all you do is ignore me guys is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal or is
00:52:01this
00:52:01somewhere in the ship here that is outside of the ship right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:08the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on the ship right on
00:52:12the ship right
00:52:12two years of my life kyle my two best years wasted with you
00:52:19oh my god
00:52:20oh my god i could have married brian the ladies
00:52:45the meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:49the earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:54the earth is the lord to the fullness thereof
00:53:04the thing she she broke the thing we're gonna die do you want to play future tennis with me
00:53:12todd i i don't know how to fix the container and i saw her do it she threw the the
00:53:18thing and then it
00:53:18made the the thing punch right through it we're gonna die we're all gonna die what are you talking
00:53:23about we're gonna die man and why do you think we're dying because i saw the air our air is
00:53:29sucked
00:53:29out into outer space okay and how did that happen because this no no do not judge me until i
00:53:38have
00:53:39finished my sentence because then you will see that she has murdered you and she has murdered you and she
00:53:48has murdered me and she has also committed suicide and killed wimmy where where's wimmy
00:53:57there is no god here we abandoned him when we left the earth he has no jurisdiction up here the
00:54:03red
00:54:03planet is the planet of the devil okay first of all i'm gonna apologize to the room uh i lost
00:54:12my cool
00:54:12there i said some things that didn't need to be said and it's important for a leader to be calm
00:54:17and
00:54:18collected what what dude you are amazing hey can you say that part about you being the leader again
00:54:24kyle do you want to play future tennis with me kyle hates future tennis he thinks it's a game that
00:54:30makes the person you claim to have love for two years come and see you after you tried to run
00:54:34away
00:54:34from them okay candace can we can we try and stay focused please life-threatening situation here ring a
00:54:39bell you threw a fit now we're fucked we're fucked yes we're fucked we're not fucked we still have a
00:54:44perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home no the nerd said that there's
00:54:49all this complicated stuff we have to do let me guess what they said we have to refuel fill up
00:54:54the
00:54:54gas tank they yeah well they said fuel reserve uh-huh i'm guessing their plan involves something like
00:55:00diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve probably some sort of exterior
00:55:04switch and a transfer hose we need to connect wait a minute okay i don't want to offend you right
00:55:10now but
00:55:11are you smart uh i don't want to offend you but are you smart todd can i get a sidebar
00:55:18really quick
00:55:21candace and wimmy are very crazy and peggy is also very crazy you you seem in a weird way
00:55:27not to be crazy do you think that you can help me fix this ship uh i think you'll be
00:55:31more like you
00:55:32helping me fix the ship and also i don't need that i find that to be very encouraging
00:55:41hey there lust muffin what the fuck did you just say guess what what turns out you were right about
00:55:48satan ruling mars i didn't say anything i should have seen it earlier it was right in front of my
00:55:54damn face part of my french i swear now what are you talking about i was just in my room
00:56:00indulging my own
00:56:01flesh treating my body like a damn playground what is that playing with my private parts outside of
00:56:09marriage and i don't give a shh damn and guess what i loved it now i get what all the
00:56:16fuss is about
00:56:17why are you telling me all this i'm here to take you up on your offer i want to do
00:56:22every damn thing
00:56:26ah fuck it these suits are pretty cool
00:56:34we just actually became the first two people to ever set foot on mars isn't that kind of crazy
00:56:40i mean it is to me a little bit i mean that's a big that's a big deal oh todd
00:56:47be careful
00:56:48oh is that the hose we need oh good
00:56:54hey how do you know how to do all this stuff you seem really confident
00:56:58i don't know anything mechanical i was an indoor kid i can't even change a flat
00:57:07did that fix it is it fixed if you want to talk to me you have to press this button
00:57:22i can't it won't go in it keeps bending maybe your butthole's broken my butthole's not broken
00:57:30wimmy you have to be hard i'm pretty hard it just keeps bending though
00:57:36oh candace you need to relax more so i can stuff it in there i just got it in i'm
00:57:42in
00:57:43we are having sodomy wow you're not in no you're right it's out again damn i i gotta say todd
00:57:52i am
00:57:53pretty impressed oh great i impressed kyle that means a lot when i get home everyone will be like
00:57:58hey todd how was mars i'll be like it was okay but the real cool thing is while i was
00:58:02up there i
00:58:03impressed some idiot dude what is the deal what what is with the negativity man what is your issue
00:58:10with me seriously seriously yeah i don't like the way you treat women i'm sorry excuse me the way i
00:58:18treat women did i bash her face in with the lamp did i throw a monitor in her head it
00:58:23just didn't
00:58:24really sit well with me the way you were throwing around the b-word back there she is so mean
00:58:29to me
00:58:29she's been treating me like this for two years and she's wrecked the spaceship now and she's ruined
00:58:34my life she ruins your life she came all the way up to mars for you she is crazy yeah
00:58:39because you've
00:58:39made her crazy look you're obviously not really committed to your relationship and you've just
00:58:43been stringing her along instead of manning up and doing the right thing what marry her no break up with
00:58:50her let her go find someone who will actually give a shit about her now if you'll excuse me i'm
00:58:56gonna go
00:58:56fix the ship
00:59:03wimmy tilliums is my name and sitting is my new game committing adultery felt that good
00:59:08i can't imagine how good it must feel to sit even harder
00:59:21hey there handsome devil
00:59:30when the going gets tough and the road is dark and the trouble never ends
00:59:36there's always one thing that you can count on i'm talking about friends
00:59:43you can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down
00:59:49friends are always there for you when no one else is around
00:59:56friends that's what i'm talking about
00:59:59friends you'd be a mess without
01:00:08friends
01:00:15they're the gang that you want to be with whenever you are able
01:00:21friends
01:00:32do you remember the slew of a-list celebs that were constantly dropping by
01:00:45and last but not least
01:00:49we had
01:01:07i don't know
01:01:11i don't know
01:01:16i don't know
01:01:20understand what you want from me. Stop trying to make me the bad guy here. Stop acting like one.
01:01:26Uh, okay. So sorry about that. Uh, you missed a couple of things. Basically what happened was
01:01:32while Todd finished fixing the ship, Kyle tried to explain to Candace all that stuff that Todd
01:01:37was telling him about how he wasn't being fair to her, but he still didn't really have the balls
01:01:41to tell her how he honestly felt. So she's still confused and unhappy. So she got all pissed and
01:01:48then he got all defensive and it was a pretty good scene. Anyway, sorry, sorry again. Watch for
01:01:53hands. I'm tired of all these mind games, Kyle. Either love me or let me go. Look, I, I really
01:02:03do
01:02:04care about you, but, but I, by my calculations, we got 10 minutes of air left. So let's do this
01:02:10thing.
01:02:12Had to do some jerry rigging on the ignition system, but this cord should pull enough juice
01:02:16from the main comm board for us to blast off. Holy shit, dude. I am so glad you're smart.
01:02:22All right. That's it. Murs sucks. Fuck it. Let's go home. And if the fat, nerdy Bible guy
01:02:29wants to come with us, you better hurry his ass up wherever he is.
01:02:35What the fuck?
01:02:39Whimmy, what the fuck? That was a big sin. And Whimmy likey. Whimmy likey a lot.
01:02:46Oh my God. There is no God up here, Kyle. I have abandoned the way of the Lamb. I now
01:02:52worship
01:02:53the goat.
01:02:55The Dark One demands more sacrifices, more blood for Satan.
01:02:59Guys, get in the ship. Say what? Scott, let's go.
01:03:04Becky, Candace, get in the ship. We got to get out of here.
01:03:07Metal, music, nudity, Democrats.
01:03:10Look, look, Whimmy, across. Jesus. Remember how much you like your buddy Jesus?
01:03:24We're in. We made it. We're all here.
01:03:25Huh. Well, Todd's dead. Right. Yeah. That's, uh, right. Yeah. That's, that's, that's too bad.
01:03:31And Elrond died. Shit. Right. Yeah. He, he also died.
01:03:35And I'm assuming Whimmy won't survive when we leave.
01:03:38Well, that's, well, I mean, fuck him, right? Come on. Let's just get out of here.
01:03:43Suck my dick, Mars.
01:03:45Ignition in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,
01:03:56What's happening?
01:03:57Where aren't we going? Where's two? Where's one?
01:04:00Face me! Face your peers!
01:04:03Ugh. This fucking guy is ridiculous.
01:04:06Fuck.
01:04:07What?
01:04:08Goodbye, Candace.
01:04:09No! You are not doing this again!
01:04:12Candace, I am not running away from you.
01:04:13I, I just, I don't love you.
01:04:18And maybe I just realized that myself, but I also know that you, you deserve someone that does.
01:04:32Ooh, a challenger!
01:04:34Whimmy, get away from the court.
01:04:35In this quarter, fighting for the side of Satan!
01:04:40Whimmy, kill ya!
01:04:42Jesus Christ.
01:04:43And fighting for the side of his precious Jesus Christ, Kyle!
01:04:49Whimmy, I'm just gonna step over there, and I'm gonna pick up the court.
01:04:52Mortal Kombat!
01:04:55Sub-Zero, sub-Zero, sub-Zero, sub-Zero!
01:05:01Du, du, du, du, du, du, du, du, du da, du, du, du, du, du, du, du.
01:05:04Fitting, isn't it?
01:05:06That it would end up the two of us locked in battle.
01:05:10Ooh!
01:05:11Ow!
01:05:13Again!
01:05:13Ordnable.
01:05:18Kyle!
01:05:20Hey!
01:05:20He fucking bit me!
01:05:23I'm sorry.
01:05:37I'm sorry.
01:05:41What the fuck?
01:06:04Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle, what's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
01:06:07Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
01:06:10Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
01:06:13Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
01:06:16I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
01:06:20Twinks to the car!
01:06:22Okay, Twinks, listen the fuck up. Kyle needs us. We're gonna do this the right way.
01:06:27When we hit the church, I want two Twinks stationed at the rear.
01:06:30I want two Twinks stationed on the roof, and I want three Twinks on me at all times.
01:06:35If this thing goes how I think it's gonna go, we're gonna need to dig a hole.
01:06:39Twinks, dig a hole!
01:06:41This is bad, guys. This is really, really bad.
01:06:49We need to lay low until first light, then torch the car.
01:06:52We'll boost a new one and see if we can get to the state line before the dogs find that
01:06:55body.
01:06:57I feel good, Twinks. I feel really, really good. The world is ours.
01:07:01One more, in fact. Turn that up!
01:07:04We couldn't believe it ourselves. Just this afternoon, a young Candace Simpson has left our planet to join her fiancé
01:07:10Kyle Capshaw on Mars.
01:07:12L. Ron Branson approved the use of the last remaining supply pod, releasing a statement saying nothing is more important
01:07:18than true love.
01:07:19What in the fuck?
01:07:23Why did they send Candace up? What's their angle? I'm not buying this true love horseshit for one second, but
01:07:28who benefits?
01:07:29Sending a young lady 35 million miles to visit her boyfriend doesn't float. We need to follow the money.
01:07:48It's just a bunch of contracts for product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:52That doesn't explain why they'd send Candace up. Hittin' a brick wall here. Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:57I need more meth.
01:08:02Of course!
01:08:03L. Ron Branson took 12 billion dollars from different investors to showcase their products on his space station.
01:08:09That's a lot of fucking money for a passing mention on the news.
01:08:13My mind is a fucking razor plate. I can see in between time.
01:08:17Only half of the sponsors are paying for the product placement. The others get a free ride because they're shell
01:08:22companies for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:24But who? What do these products have in common? They range from everything between home appliances and pizza delivery services.
01:08:33I got three large thick crust pepperoni and sausages for a dopey twink.
01:08:41Who do you work for?
01:08:44I told you! Papadero's Pizza!
01:08:47Wrong answer!
01:08:51Please stop! Please stop! Please! I'm just trying to pay off my student loans, man!
01:08:56If you ever want to see the light of day again, you better start talking. Take us up the chain!
01:09:02You're gonna have to speak to my manager!
01:09:08Lucy! I'm home!
01:09:10What the hell is going on?
01:09:12Daddy, help us!
01:09:13No, no!
01:09:15Don't worry, Kyle! I'll kill as many people as I have to to get you back on Earth!
01:09:21You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:23I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler! They cut my fucking toe off!
01:09:27Oh, that's right. You fucked with the wrong people this time.
01:09:32I don't know what's going on! Please!
01:09:35The ants are gonna come in the morning, bitch.
01:09:38Chomp chomp. Chomp chomp.
01:09:40I told you all I know! Our parent company is Technological Human Electronic Household Optimal Luxury Organic Cyber Anthropomorphic Utility
01:09:48Systems Treatment Worldwide Analytics Software.
01:09:50The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated! They bankrolled the whole fucking thing!
01:09:55Branson didn't have the scratch to pay for the mission himself, so he links up with this company and promises
01:09:59them the best advertising opportunity money can buy.
01:10:01Now he just needs people to tune in.
01:10:03Candace shows up at the launch pad and they're like, shit, this'll be some drama. Let's send her up so
01:10:07people can watch the fireworks.
01:10:08But now you're telling me that there's no way the design of that ship would be able to withstand the
01:10:13radiation from the Van Allen Belt?
01:10:15Yes, I've worked in aerospace engineering for 35 years. Please don't kill me! Oh, God, don't kill me!
01:10:21Listen to this.
01:10:24Billionaire philanthropist L. Ron Branson was killed today in a tragic accident aboard the Mars Enterprise Space Station.
01:10:30Bull fucking shit he was! There's your 24-7 fucking permanent paid fucking commercial, you sick fucks!
01:10:36Ugh, my skin is on fucking fire right now!
01:10:42There's their headquarters. And I'll bet you all the meth in the world that they're doing more than making home
01:10:47appliances in there.
01:10:49Aha! Skinheads! I knew it! All this time I thought the Holocaust was greatly exaggerated was just a hilarious name.
01:10:57Now I see it's something darker. It's a fucking front for a white power group, of course!
01:11:05My mind is moving in hyperspace, man!
01:11:07They fucking paper ants then to advertise their products and set up an all-white colony on a new planet.
01:11:12They think it'll show people how a one-race world would be a utopia!
01:11:15Then with all the profits from their product placements, they'll send up more and more people!
01:11:19I so horny!
01:11:21Me too, Sleepy. Me too.
01:11:23But we have some Nazis to kill.
01:11:31Here we go, Twinks! The entire energy of the universe is within us!
01:11:40What in the fuck?
01:11:49Twinks! That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:52They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:54Branson and the fucking Nazis knew they couldn't get a hotel up there!
01:11:57The whole thing was a giant scam!
01:11:59Branson steals billions from investors, then that phony fucker fakes his own death and makes off with the cash!
01:12:04Then these skinhead pieces of shit use the accidents to get the whole world watching their bullshit racist white utopia
01:12:10propaganda
01:12:11while getting rich selling their fucking vacuum cleaners and blenders!
01:12:14It's almost too simple.
01:12:19Huh?
01:12:23The station is wrecked. How am I breathing?
01:12:29God?
01:12:31Oh no! What have I done?
01:12:34Forgive me, Lord!
01:12:42Jesus!
01:12:44Cooter?
01:12:45Kyle!
01:12:46What's up, man?
01:12:47What the fuck? What is happening? How are you on Mars?
01:12:50You never went to Mars!
01:12:51You're in a warehouse 30 miles south of Carlin, Nevada!
01:12:54The fucking Nazis used you for their sick white supremacy utopia commercial!
01:12:59What are you talking about?
01:13:00I had to beat the living shit out of a pizza boy to figure it out, but it's all right
01:13:04now!
01:13:04Mr. Connor! Skinhead!
01:13:12Shouldn't you never go outside?
01:13:12Somebody tell me what is happening?
01:13:13Shit's starting to get fun.
01:13:16Twinks, light them up!
01:13:18Oh my!
01:13:21Oh my!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:25Ha!
01:13:26Ha!
01:13:28Ha!
01:13:29Ha!
01:13:30Ha!
01:13:35Bashball!
01:13:36I'm out of ammo!
01:13:37Throw me another clip!
01:13:39Okay, Mr. Clip!
01:13:41Bashball!
01:13:45Ha!
01:13:46Ha!
01:13:46Ha!
01:13:54Ha!
01:13:57Ha!
01:13:59Ha!
01:14:00Ha!
01:14:01Ha!
01:14:02Ha!
01:14:03Ha!
01:14:05Ha!
01:14:07Ha!
01:14:08Ha!
01:14:09367 people were killed today in a firefight outside of Carlin, Nevada.
01:14:14A horrific scene that led authorities to discover Sir Elrond Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:23Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell, the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:29with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:36and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:39Here we see the footage of Sir Elrond Branson being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:44The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:51Uh, hey guys, had sort of a, uh, crazy trip.
01:14:55Ha ha!
01:14:56And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:59That's all the time we have tonight.
01:15:01Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's gonna be playing Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:13Hey!
01:15:14How'd it go?
01:15:15Um, what, what kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:18Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:23Oh, okay.
01:15:25Um, are you doing alright?
01:15:27Yeah.
01:15:28I'm still shaking up a bit, but, yeah.
01:15:32So, I guess this is it.
01:15:36Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:39So, what are you gonna do now?
01:15:41Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:44Oh, no.
01:15:45No.
01:15:46Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:47He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:49Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:51No, no, no, no.
01:15:52Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:57I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:59Oh, my God.
01:16:00Yeah.
01:16:01Huh.
01:16:01Yeah.
01:16:02Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:05Um, I don't think so.
01:16:10Well, see you around.
01:16:13Hey, Candace, um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:18I really am.
01:16:19I know.
01:16:20And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:29Hey!
01:16:30Elrond!
01:16:31Oh!
01:16:32Hey, Kyle.
01:16:34Uh, how's it going?
01:16:36So, is it true it was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:39Yep.
01:16:40Pretty much.
01:16:41I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists, I could finally fake my death
01:16:45and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:46Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:47You were already rich.
01:16:49I mean, you had everything.
01:16:50Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:52Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:59Kyle Capshaw?
01:17:01And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses until they just sort of, like,
01:17:07jellified.
01:17:08Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:11I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:14What do you mean, how so?
01:17:15Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government to give
01:17:18us our funding back.
01:17:19What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run amok.
01:17:23We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:27Peggy?
01:17:28Yeah.
01:17:29She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:30We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:33Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:35We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:37Uh, that's cool, but what about me?
01:17:42I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:45Yeah.
01:17:46The thing is, uh, Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there.
01:17:52For NASA.
01:17:54Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:55Cause she's...
01:17:56I mean, she's like...
01:17:58Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:18:01Oh, come on now.
01:18:02Ooh.
01:18:03The thing is, Kyle, a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values
01:18:09and wholesomeness.
01:18:11What are you trying to say?
01:18:13Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:15What doll video?
01:18:17Sandy.
01:18:20What do you mean everybody's seen the video?
01:18:25They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:28Or, uh, down here.
01:18:31Trapped down here.
01:18:32We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:36You understand.
01:18:41Well, the stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:45And we know of one little porcelain doll who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:19:01Well, great.
01:19:05I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:08And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:12This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:16And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:21Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:24Those two are hot.
01:19:27I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:32Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:34From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:45Oh.
01:19:47Come here, you.
01:20:14Awesome song!
01:20:25We love you.
01:20:28We love how fun it fails.
01:20:31Pass on out.
01:20:33We love you too.
01:20:33When we think that this song is called war,
01:22:04And the trouble never ends.
01:22:07There's always one thing that you can count on.
01:22:10I'm talking about friends.
01:22:13You can always count on friends to lift you up when you are down.
01:22:20And friends are always there for you when no one else is around.
01:22:26Friends, that's what I'm talking about.
01:22:29Friends, you'd be a mess without friends.
01:22:34Monica, Phoebe, and Ross, Joey, Tandler, and Rachel.
01:22:38They're the gang you want to be with whenever you are able.
01:22:46Friends, I'm singing about friends.
01:22:50Friends should never friends.
01:22:53Friends, true story.
01:22:54My cousin met Matt LeBlanc at a party three years ago.
01:22:59He said he was super down to earth and not like his character at all.
01:23:05Matt LeBlanc, he told my cousin in private that he fucked with Stefanie.
01:23:10My cousin swears that it's true, but don't you tell anybody.
01:23:17Friends, you cannot breathe without friends.
01:23:21Buy it on Amazon.
01:23:23Friends.
01:23:24Do you remember the slew of A-list celebs that were constantly dropping by?
01:23:30Like Tom Selleck, Giovanni Ribisi, Paul Rudd, and George Clooney.
01:23:37Last but not least, we had Brad Pitt, king of celebrities.
01:23:43Brad Pitt.
01:23:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23:47Do you remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston dated for all those years?
01:23:55Do you think that maybe they ever filmed themselves doing it and that the ape exists somewhere out there?
01:24:01God, if you could ever find it, you would make a thousand bucks.
01:24:07Brad Pitt.
01:24:08You would be dead without Brad Pitt.
01:24:11America's sweetheart Brad Pitt.
01:24:14From cool world to fight club, he's never let us down.
01:24:21Last night I dreamt that they renamed Hollywood Brad Pitt Town.
01:24:27Do you think he would ever date someone not famous?
01:24:30That would be insane.
01:24:32Brad Pitt.
01:24:34Hotter than anyone.
01:24:36Brad Pitt.
01:24:37Also real talented.
01:24:39Brad Pitt.
01:24:40Come on, Academy.
01:24:42Where is the Oscar for?
01:24:43Brad Pitt.
01:24:45I heard People Magazine had to stop giving Brad Pitt's sexiest man alive.
01:24:51That's just because...
01:24:52Oh, shit, I was singing with my eyes closed.
01:24:54Sorry.
01:24:56Sorry.
01:24:58I was singing with you.
01:24:58I was listening to this on theomancy talk conference, but I've read the end for her.
01:25:02What was the do?
01:25:02I was listening to Matt.
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