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Bait - Season 1 - Episode 02: To Troll, To Provoke
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00:08Shah Latif welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart with me Sir Patrick Stewart it's an honor to be here
00:15the honor is all mine I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast but few who've
00:22had such an eventful 24 hours it's been a wild ride already that's for sure now I know a bond
00:28or two Daniel Craig's a dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job yes
00:37yes I do
00:40now more than ever I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes
00:51yeah Nigel Murray how are you thank God yeah good yeah good at least she tells me you do security
00:56for all the top wankers yeah I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well
01:02right yeah do you do personal because I might have an event tonight yeah maybe do the full service even
01:08got a food taster if you need one tell you what let's have a look in the house and we
01:12can talk
01:12about that afterwards yeah so houses two points of entry hostile object into the front bay window
01:18those and the doors may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the
01:23perimeter if you have the bodies 60 friendlies expected tomorrow oh you really know your stuff
01:28well I played the translator in homeland season seven yes yes yes you did they got a lot of shit
01:34wrong on that show come on okay all right so you're uh your guests are for ideal fit here I
01:39presume yeah
01:40yeah okay yeah yeah just wanna make sure everyone feels safe yeah sure I might make more sense for
01:48you to start off upstairs I know it's harder to defend a position at higher altitude isn't it yeah
01:52okay well I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs yeah do you agree you can't really act this role
01:57part of you has to be it absolutely absolutely yeah yeah luckily I'm already very experienced at
02:07navigating attacks of various kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front as it were
02:14yep you just got no Mandarin Oriental so thank you for sorting out Felicia I'll speak to you later
02:19about the collar all right bye what are you showing me right now it's a hotel okay they do free
02:23stays
02:23for celebs that like Michelle Yeo digga Dee fucking Northwest Nanny and bro your followers are blowing up
02:30okay it's a five-star safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my costs but yeah
02:36we're
02:37not going to a hotel I'm dealing with it I'm not gonna get anything happen to you you don't need
02:42to
02:42be afraid I'm not afraid talking about man what the fuck's all this what does it look like security
02:57because I told you that I had security sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from that man it's
03:02not
03:02a fucking movie yeah is it are you gonna ask me you got these from police Allah provides bro does
03:10he
03:10yes even by discount rate Mujahideen as well I know these guys were the too thick to make it into
03:14Isis
03:15which Isis Isis K Isis L OG Isis they've got different standards I've heard they're only PhDs do they
03:26they're hard as fuck and they're committed takbir I'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah I just trying
03:32to bring in some real actual protection if you could just listen to me for once if I want your
03:36fucking protection I'll ask for your extra small condoms you like that one don't you tiny lonely
03:41yeah stop pressing me cuz I'm going chat to Abba we have to discuss this what are you doing
03:51any fucking bag of one could just walk in that's because you've taken off the back door that's why I've
03:55hired a
03:56professional I professional I'm not doubting that I'm just if you let me do it then it'll be better
04:00for everyone Sean Connery to the rescue is it how do you understand sure sure better shall you better
04:07be a Janu and help me take this to the car 60 people's a lot for Reed your mommy needs
04:14my help
04:18what are you doing chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been trying to steal Eid
04:26already bringing a country smelling kebabs well I like kebabs
04:35it's a joint effort not just doing my part it's a no no you have done already so much
04:39shaju take the pots inside why are you giving Naila any more work it's nothing Daira
04:44I was telling you I could be doing so much more
04:48yesterday sadly it's no longer safe here now why not move into my house
04:52who's not safe okay everybody stop can you stop please Baba Baba can you just come here please
04:58can you stop the work everyone right let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan
05:01this is your plan yeah what huh outsourcing our protection that is free Mace and nonce I'm not
05:06a nonce should have gone to the hotel Nigel's here to help secure the the house
05:11house won't be ready food won't be ready Naila Naila please shaju sorry guys the
05:16prophet please be upon him exactly exactly he said it best when he said trust in Allah but tie up
05:23your camel my guy he knows his stuff you gotta hand it to him I just want to say that
05:29holy days
05:30like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors so perhaps you should think about moving
05:34your Eid celebrations to a different location hey Bencho chup one layover in Dubai thinks he knows a
05:39business corner now I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture especially after six tours of
05:43Afghanistan he were came up to me to me the family colorful lot on a really get after it and
06:12you're a
06:13your brother he's seems nice well he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was raised with us
06:18okay it's complicated all right well look this is for you as you quote although I would be willing
06:26to postpone payment you know in consideration of the future work because if my internet searches are
06:33correct then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future oh well let's see what
06:38happens I'm really reasonable could you just leave it with me I'm getting a few different quotes in that's
06:42fine okay oh so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight I can send one of my
06:47best
06:47guys what are you doing you asked me to do security you know for tonight I did him yeah so
06:52well we needed thank you for coming by yeah no absolute pleasure yeah well oh by the way I
06:59stolen dash cams the battery life is so bring a charger all right you can have that for free
07:05cheers Nigel why are you wasting your money on these render feds bro I've had your back since day
07:20uh did you go into this gala tonight on your own or I've got a plus one this is it
07:32you got any shoes on trainers can I range it oh get ready you fucker
07:55come in
08:02wait that is a proper go fuck out there it's a good job I came to babysit you
08:06ah bro you might be taking care of the muscle but I'm winning over the hearts and minds yeah
08:11what when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how you gonna
08:15fucking battle them with your horny makeup face what you know the face that you do when you're on the
08:19red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried the camera's gonna
08:22shag you know I'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me off okay for
08:27confirmation cuz what is that yeah what man I look good there you look like you're making a pervy
08:31version of fucking planet Earth all right let me just see something Raj Taka motherfucker is all
08:38right all right don't jizz on my level of seats you can't afford the cleaning fee okay listen let's
08:41just go there and smash it all right but we are already fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in
08:46the Muba Prime experience look at this Halal Harry Bowls custom specifically branded thumbs on
08:51water your little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and
08:56furious but without the four skins you understand come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay
09:01long curry cut it yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet I can't guarantee it
09:19there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing bond proving
09:27those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so oh it's why I want the role it's why I'm
09:34here
09:34speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala exactly to show
09:41people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is what British looks
09:47like
09:51hey yo listen I support the team I support the team but when you finish tonight please get home with
09:57Muba okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area I'm Turkish you're Turkish then there's service
10:03there's the area thank you excuse me sister yo side MC rickshaw mate I can I get a pic you
10:13want a pic I gonna
10:14pick your next week hey yo guys guys come and get a picture with your one and only fan come
10:17on
10:18Oh aye bro you ignoring me but we got gone then why are you going in there man sold out
10:25you should be out
10:27here with us hey yo yo yo it's really the photo with you what's the problem bro if i get
10:31a photo
10:31to take with them law it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the
10:35real
10:35change happens in there we gotta get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's
10:41secret service or something yeah but don't go full coconut pussy all on me tonight oh yeah then don't
10:46go into father fuck boy on me then you want to respect my guy keep it real yeah okay why
10:51don't
10:51you respect this watch and learn you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing it
10:58you do the face all right let me show you nah you know what that is you look like a
11:04pedophile
11:05journal bro there's cameras why would you say pedophile because they don't have sound it's
11:08fault hi so happy really i'm so glad to be here thank you this is my associate mugger much
11:14i learned um can i ask um who i might speak to about my speech this evening oh we don't
11:20have
11:20you done us doing this oh i think it's because i'm a last a last minute addition so well it'll
11:27be a
11:27new house i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i i'm i'm guessing i have a plus one
11:32uh
11:34mr zulfika ali ceo of move enterprises i just think it should be like an official record that i'm here
11:39tonight so thank you because where the fuck have you brought us man this looks like the jar's ball
11:46sack you're from humble beginnings like me so how's your family dealing with all this the same way we
11:54deal with everything it's a team together i'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs
12:01bro this is mine yeah i told you bro i've got stuff cooking oh assalamualaikum
12:09all right you gotta find this vivian yeah yeah no point in me being here if i can't get on
12:16stage
12:16there she is museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some ego bro look at this
12:23all right listen uh i'm gonna go work on her should we tag team her what not like that i
12:28mean like
12:29convince her together like good packy bad packy what would that be like oh like like good cop bad
12:35cop i've got packages you know i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit
12:41i'll be
12:42here sing let me tell you about this
12:55um vivian charlatif oh yes of course mr latif um i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment
13:01no absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently
13:05what can i do for you mr latif i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for
13:08you
13:09there's nobody like muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time but we are on
13:13time for
13:14prayers five times a day if you call me zulfi can you get me to where i need to go
13:18i'll get you
13:19there this museum means a great deal to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes
13:24and
13:25it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture
13:30in fact we invite this kind of dialogue is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador
13:35of sorts to help bridge the divide between those on the inside and those out there who's
13:39your name ali razza ali razza i'm feeling the iran yes yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on
13:45you
13:45so we could be in that region i for one would be honored to get up there and say a
13:50few words about
13:50may i about how i'm global britain truly is both in its artifacts and its people but you know i'm
13:56an
13:56eighth indian i did not wow what about yourself where are you from london you're from london you sound
14:04you're originally from london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from a muslim country
14:09yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to islam they belong
14:13to us all so i can go up and say a few words i'll be very brief no miss latif
14:19that's simply not how
14:20we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already have our dear friend
14:24raj thakkar giving a speech enjoy your evening and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat
14:39you didn't think this was going to be all softballs did you raj thakkar your rival i wouldn't call him
14:47that come on come on you can be honest i can't be in the same room as ian magneto mckellen
14:54oh
14:54sorry sir ian magneto mckellen i just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top
15:02oh please a day ago you were the only brown bloke up for the job and now there are two
15:08and word on
15:09the web is he'd make a better bond yeah well i don't really pay attention to what people say
15:13about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap he's a bigger name with a bigger fan
15:19base
15:19and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor that's subjective cut the camel shit latif you
15:28couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak how do you expect to convince the world
15:33that you can be bond you don't stand a chance in a horse pajamas do you you
15:40pussy hole at least i got an addition you push can
15:47no use being angry with me you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
16:00here he is hey hey sure i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when
16:06was the last time i
16:06saw you mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that thank
16:12you did you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white woman
16:18eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy and they
16:22have this relationship over space and time it's about how love's timeless and crosses all sorts of
16:28boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you for yeah just for yeah
16:34thanks a lot um you look incredible by the way and very very smart getting photographed in the tugs
16:40and holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural
16:44institutions um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate man
16:52it's just that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably probably getting a
16:58lot of that too not really nothing to cry about just got to stay grateful people are busting their
17:06asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah yeah we
17:11are yeah
17:11hate's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house
17:18you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no amount of
17:25hate
17:25is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around the
17:30world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach bro
17:35i
17:35just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love the passion
17:42man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking maybe we
17:46could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want to be
17:51a
17:51part of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring you up
17:55i would love
17:56that thank you my brother yeah i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey
18:01i
18:02know you it's my security guy the muba guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it earlier i love the
18:07concept thank you brother are you muslim aren't we all a little yeah have you got a card i'll spread
18:14the
18:14word nice nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah yeah i
18:22wouldn't
18:22be here without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me best to me
18:27good to see you man yeah you too he is either the sweetest twat i've ever met on the thickest
18:36twat
18:37you're a thick twat what security guy that's all i am to you you literally told me to bring
18:45you here as security why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course
18:49i'm hungry man don't eat a canapé champagne gentleman just have a little canapé bro just have a little
18:56something to eat nothing here is halal none of the little things the big things none of it have some
19:00halloumi halloumi halloumi is not israeli that's what they want you to think it's an arabic cheese
19:05prove it to me google it you know i don't use google thank you too kind
19:15good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's
19:26cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight
19:34we right this wrong after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project
19:41it is my honor to present to you tonight the restored buddha of bamian
20:00and now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker to the
20:08stage the most gentlemanly vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
20:21it's an honor to be here i mean
20:26wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and so it should follow that england too
20:33is home to people from those same places now tonight is a celebration but i would like to speak with
20:40you
20:40all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of color recently racist hate
20:50took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep
20:57oh it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
21:07but no amount of hate will make me hide
21:11those driven by prejudice they need to see us in these spaces
21:19and because this too is what british looks like
21:25thank you thank you
21:29please miss latif you have a situation
21:32a man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests
21:42and uh charlotte wanted to say something too i'm about to go on man
21:46shah otherwise we're gonna have to escort him off the premises immediately i don't know
22:09that's what i'm gonna have to do
22:10so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was
22:15a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the
22:23bleeding lines out
22:26nine i can do better i can can you now let's see
22:33i also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house
22:39i um nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
22:48it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bond
22:54you turned your back on your own fans man you turned your back on your own family
23:08face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
23:18you're never the heroes of the story you'll never the heroes of the story you'll never the heroes of the
23:23story
23:23send him back where he came from
23:25get the heroes of the story you'll never see them
23:28ah
23:28No!
23:44Yeah?
24:01You OK?
24:03Yeah, are you?
24:04What were you doing?
24:06Nothing. What were you doing?
24:08Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
24:10Were you talking to someone or what?
24:12Oh, sorry, man. I was just running late.
24:15In a suit?
24:16Costume, innit?
24:18Well, the moon's been sighted, so...
24:22Eve Mubarak.
24:23Yeah.
24:25Night-night, you weirdo.
24:29Eve Mubarak, bitch.
24:32One night all day,
24:36wealthy have said that...
24:59every night...
25:05Bye.
25:16Bye.
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