- 5 hours ago
The Boys S05E05 (2026) [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:02They're up before dawn.
00:04They got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.
00:06It's hard work and strong coffee.
00:09Old leather saddles and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.
00:14And when the sun finally rises over the range,
00:17the cowboys know America is God's country
00:20and Americans God's chosen people.
00:23So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans?
00:26With American grit and American values
00:29founded by the greatest American of us all.
00:32A true American prophet.
00:34Come home to the Democratic Church of America.
00:37Come home to Homelander.
00:39Already, the campaign's aided awareness outpaces the norm
00:43by plus 22 points led by white men and women ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.
00:51We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.
00:54Yeah, I'm seeing massive growth myself.
01:00Church attendance is up.
01:02And our online donation CTR is at 44%.
01:05That's a new record. Amen.
01:06Amen.
01:07Next up is a 500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital.
01:15Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America and its chosen prophet.
01:25Prophets are servants.
01:27Of course.
01:29Sir, great point.
01:30We're just trying to ease people into it.
01:32No, no, no.
01:33We need to prepare America for my ascension.
01:37You must be honest.
01:38You must be direct.
01:40I like Savior or Lord.
01:44Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.
01:45Hmm.
01:46Religion's not about being meek.
01:48We should dominate the seven mountains of society.
01:51Bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.
01:53Amen.
01:54Amen.
01:54Amen.
01:55I love all that.
01:56So fucking dope.
01:57Easter is just around the corner.
01:59How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?
02:04Hmm.
02:05Second coming?
02:06Let's be clear.
02:07I am not the son of God.
02:11Well, of course.
02:12Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.
02:16Well, that's just confusing.
02:17I don't want my church getting involved in all of that.
02:21Exactly.
02:21Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have...
02:25Yes.
02:36We gonna drag our feet because of a book.
02:38Not a book.
02:41The book.
02:42The Homelander Bible.
02:49Heavy.
02:51It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament.
02:58Written by AI, trained on the works of Pat Robertson.
03:00See, we need to pass the torch, sir.
03:03From Jesus to you, sir.
03:06And we don't get more than one chance at a first impression.
03:10Are we really gonna rush something this important?
03:14We need Arby's after all.
03:16No.
03:18We're the Cheesecake Factory.
03:24Okay.
03:26We'll do it your way.
03:31You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?
03:37Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros.
03:41No.
03:42Is recall all superstition overseas?
03:44The American heroes should be protecting America, not who gives a fuck a stand.
03:48Great idea.
03:48Mm-hmm.
03:56Something wrong?
03:58Everything's peachy.
04:05Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.
04:09How could you with all that racket?
04:12You get used to it.
04:13You seem to us.
04:14City life seems to suit you.
04:16I guess.
04:19I was surprised you called, Reverend.
04:21Well, I was surprised you answered.
04:23It's been a while, and I said things I regret.
04:25You both did.
04:29You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?
04:33Use your powers to light our candles.
04:35I remember staying for supper.
04:37Oh, man.
04:39Those fish fry Fridays.
04:41I never liked eating alone.
04:42Well, were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?
04:48Reverend, is something the matter?
04:50I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but the last couple of weeks have been rough.
04:55We've been bleeding congregants to the Democratic Church of America and what folks are sticking around and shared.
05:02Why?
05:03Because last Sunday, somebody melted her stained glass window of Mary.
05:08Melted it?
05:08Mm-hmm.
05:09It's a local soup.
05:11Prairie Mantis.
05:13He sprayed acid out of his butt.
05:15I mean, his glands is whatever.
05:17Yeah, I know him.
05:18It was a message.
05:19I called the sheriff.
05:21I called the mayor.
05:22I've caught half of Florida.
05:23You're all I got left.
05:26Reverend, I don't know what I could do.
05:28Well, you gotta be able to do something.
05:30Your Homelander's right hand.
05:33Well, Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.
05:38Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?
05:41Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.
05:44Besides, the Democratic Church of America, God does not favor one nation over another.
05:50Doesn't he, though?
05:51No.
05:52Name one way God's ever blessed Canada.
05:58Just cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.
06:05You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure.
06:09I'm surprised you remember that.
06:10How could I forget it?
06:11You carried it with you everywhere you went.
06:12You almost worked face off the thing.
06:15You still carry him?
06:16Yeah.
06:21It's complicated.
06:22No, it's...
06:23I don't think it is.
06:25Homelander's a great American.
06:27He can stop bullets.
06:29He can fly and do amazing things.
06:31Those aren't miracles.
06:33And he is not God.
06:36If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to, Overfish, I think you know it too.
06:53What are you doing?
06:56We ain't doing that again.
06:58It's what you said the last six times.
07:00Well, I really mean it this time.
07:05You seem a little out of it.
07:07Did you nut?
07:08It's usually you nut.
07:13Were you baptized?
07:18Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.
07:20Governor Sproul did the honors.
07:22My family kept up appearances, of course.
07:25And we never set foot in church again.
07:27I had lunch today with the Reverend who baptized me.
07:29He's been getting heat to switch over to our church.
07:33I think Homelander might be open to going easy on him.
07:36Just...
07:36Give him a little more time.
07:39I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but...
07:41That man practically raised me.
07:44So you didn't nut.
07:48You know this whole Homelander is God shit.
07:50It's...
07:51It's fucking ridiculous.
07:53Really? You think so?
07:55If he's a second coming, then what does that make me?
07:57Joseph?
07:59We talk about the biggest cook in history.
08:01A man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin.
08:04And then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.
08:09Fuck that.
08:10I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.
08:17Okay.
08:19Of course I worship Homelander.
08:21I mean...
08:21He's always been a God to me.
08:23Look, I'll tell you this.
08:24If there is a God...
08:27Sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.
08:30I gotta go.
08:31Where are you off to?
08:32L.A.
08:33L.A.
08:35L.A.
08:35I fucking hate L.A.
08:39Homelander?
08:42Homelander?
08:45Homelander?
08:46Hello?
08:50Does Homelander know you're here?
08:53yeah of course some of our church's followers generously donated their milk for our savior's
08:58sustenance i mean you gotta get his liquid gold from somewhere am i right you need some where's
09:04homelander oh well he didn't tell you yeah he had to fly off to la strange you didn't mention
09:10anything well i've been real busy working for his glory so not much time for chit chat of course
09:15look at us regular peter and john just bearing witness and spreading the gospel real blessing
09:20amen a real blessing oh uh by the way after our meeting i checked in on the timeline of that
09:28homelander bible and uh the printers were happy to rush it to make easter
09:34ain't you fully get up and go thing is they said it wasn't a problem so i wondered why you
09:41were so
09:41bent on holding it up i wasn't i just wanted to make sure everything was just right listen
09:50if you are ever feeling any doubts come to me i could be a warm shoulder and a friendly ear
09:58well bless your heart
10:02i'll do that
10:06what do you want to talk to homelander about maybe i could help that is so kind to you
10:23what's up um got a tip from our southeast stringer praying mantis rated half a dozen churches in
10:31daytona was one of them holy baptist the man upstairs wants us you to run with it top of show
10:40he thinks with it being your home church and all it'll make a strong statement
10:44so i'll have chris load the new graphics
10:47i gotta finish getting ready
10:57welcome to truth bomb our top story tonight's a personal one it's the story of my hometown church
11:05holy baptist at daytona it was the church i grew up in sang my hymns from the pews there every
11:10sunday
11:10but that church
11:16that church
11:21that church
11:25has become
11:27a hotbed
11:29of starlighter infestation
11:32and my old pastor
11:34reverend greg dupree
11:35has been
11:37infected
11:38surrounded by starlight seditious propaganda
11:44now
11:47i never told soul this but
11:49when i was a little girl the reverend regularly had me over for supper
11:54alone
11:57nothing ever happened to me but
12:01i heard stories
12:03about his fish fry fridays
12:06and
12:07if that ain't code for child grooming
12:10i don't know what is
12:13how much longer
12:15are we gonna let these institutional
12:18pedo churches
12:19diddle our babies
12:23americans deserve better
12:27homelander
12:29they deserve
12:29homelander
12:32they deserve
12:35the democratic church
12:37of america
12:52something wrong
12:54everything's peachy
12:58would you like some knee pads
12:59i'm sorry
13:00you're looking at me like you want to suck my hog
13:04so i'm asking if you would like some knee pads
13:07take it easy i'm a little guy
13:09you brought me stan edgar
13:12thank you sir
13:13thank you
13:29thank you
13:33harry gibb
13:34b g
13:35there's no b g's without me
13:37b g means the brother's a kid
13:39well you think that falsetto makes you boss
13:41i think saturday night fever going platinum 16 times makes me boss
13:44we made that album together
13:45nothing
13:46without me and maurice
13:47don't you dare bring me to this
13:49i don't know it feels inauthentic for barry to move like this
13:53oh yeah
13:57in what way
13:58egomaniacs like barry are
14:00are really just insecure
14:01i think he's threatened by robin's talent
14:03so maybe he uh
14:05expresses that by doing a barrel roll instead
14:11never mind sorry i broke character i didn't mean to
14:13yeah
14:14you need to apologize all right
14:17for being a fucking genius
14:20are you fucking kidding me a barrel roll
14:22holy shit
14:25it's brilliant
14:27justin
14:27i don't know who you are
14:29or where you came from
14:30or anything about you
14:31but my god
14:32if you are not a fucking talent
14:34wow thank you no
14:37thank you
14:38let's take ten everybody
14:43all right
14:46lay down me justin
14:47what do you mean
14:48you're acting
14:49up there stop acting
14:50stop acting
14:54don't act
14:55don't
14:55because i don't need an actor
14:59i need barry gibb
15:00you're right boss i'm sorry
15:02my process has been all over the map
15:04but just
15:05this thing is a little close to home
15:08all right let me guess the egomaniac we're talking about
15:09that's someone in your life
15:11someone i work with
15:12in my day job
15:14all right what are you doing so quit
15:15there's no way this gig is more important than the fucking theater
15:17i thought this guy was my brother
15:19but he should have hijacked something i did
15:21and took all the credit for it
15:22all right
15:25i've been trying to keep this on the tl but
15:29in addition to my theater work
15:30i also happen to be a massive feature director
15:32for saturn wars to prove it
15:34so i was working on this little film
15:36i don't know you may have heard of it called
15:37dawn of the seven
15:38billy dollar gross but who's counting
15:41there's this fucking guy
15:42the deep
15:44he just kept upstaging everyone with his trite
15:47shitty improvs
15:49i heard he's a real baby
15:50he's a jared leto level baby bitch
15:53but you gotta put people like that
15:55in their place right
15:56so whoever's upstaging you
15:58you fucking upstage them right back
15:59okay
16:00yeah
16:01all right
16:02you got this gula
16:07so great you're here bro
16:09yes well we need to meet young men where they are
16:13if we plan to usher them into the fold of our lord
16:15totes my goats
16:17so listen you know i've got some ideas
16:18about how to take this whole church thing to the next level
16:21oh yeah
16:22so you know how communion wafers taste like dried shit
16:26what if they were nila wafers instead
16:28huh
16:30oh yeah
16:31yeah and if you could throw in a commandment about how it's not cool to try and bone another
16:34bros girl
16:36we have that
16:37that already exists
16:39great minds then eh
16:41point is me and homeowner we go way back
16:43i know what he likes doesn't like so
16:44you ever want to bounce my ideas back
16:46don't listen to him bro
16:48oh shit
16:50he talks
16:51no he does not
16:51he's not trying to help you
16:53he's like those fish who suck on whales
16:54he's talking about a sucker fish
16:56he latches onto every new soup
16:57starlight
16:58me
16:59sage
16:59he pretends he's the guy
17:01but he's not the guy
17:02he's a joke
17:03that smell in his breath
17:04it's because he's been clam diving
17:05on clams
17:06what
17:07i have not done that
17:08i have definitely never done that
17:10look
17:10if you really want to impress home lander
17:12bring me on stage for easter
17:13home lander can heal me
17:14i'll get my voice back
17:15and then
17:16i'll fly
17:17you know i can fly right
17:18that's so fucking stupid bro
17:20well now i'm gonna have to run this
17:21by a home lander but uh
17:23in honest to god faith healing
17:24that's like a nine point bump
17:26with pentecostals right there
17:29god damn
17:44there's my guy
17:45little pep in the step huh
17:49sir
17:49i did what you said
17:50and i upstaged that bucket at work
17:53i'm proud of you
17:54now that's exactly how i handled that motherfucker paul rudd
17:57he's not who you think he is
17:58i appreciate that oh boss
18:01oh my god kid
18:02you know what keep this between us bud
18:03you know vault studios hung you out to dry
18:06after they shelved training atrium
18:08oh yeah
18:08and at first i drowned my sorrows in crack
18:12nitrous huffing glue
18:13huffing paint
18:13paint thinners
18:14cough medicine
18:14guns high-risk sex
18:16codeine
18:16did you ever fucking codeine
18:20but that's not the answer
18:23this play
18:26it saved me
18:27you saved me
18:28wow
18:30thank you
18:31no
18:31kid thank you
18:34because i got some big news
18:35we're going to broadway
18:37yes no more mindless studio bullshit
18:40i can probably be the artist i was dreamed of
18:41and you
18:42kid you have no idea but you're going to be a fucking star
18:45so you ditch that office gig because you and i
18:47we're going to save the world
18:51with our talent
18:52oh my god you have no idea how much this means to me
18:56i love you kid
18:59you start your vocal warm-ups
19:02i'm gonna drop a juice
19:09i fucking told me to go away
19:17i heal
19:21there's enough
19:24oh boy
19:25i can't he
19:26i can't he
19:34come here
19:39closer
19:44my ass hurts so fucking much
20:08hey bro don't you fucking hate bro me what the fuck is wrong with you
20:13nothing why what's wrong with you i call you a clam diver and you send an eel to ass murder
20:17adam
20:18bork something terrible happened at your play rehearsal today which is definitely not your
20:21job the lead producer's stepping away they're shuttering the production get it coming fucker
20:27didn't use my improvs in dawn of the seven he believed in me you fuckwit and for what
20:31because i fucking upstaged you with oh father this is gonna happen now you are gonna fucking
20:38do whatever i say whenever i say it i'm gonna kill homelander you're in some pussy play which is a
20:43definite conflict of interest since homelander outlawed the national endowment for the arts
20:49you have nothing to say nice we're gonna hang out of that miser technique huh
21:02hey buddy good boy good boy
21:10you wanna fuck me you wanna fuck me like a good boy
21:30hold on what are you doing frenchie won't cook my steak past medium rare
21:35and i like mine burnt with ketchup okay and why are you telling that i have
21:40maybe we just don't like the same steak you know
21:47jesus christ has butcher ever washed this thing oh that thing is like glazed and dog semen
21:53like a cum donut cum nut did i just invent a new word you know what i'm gonna do a
21:58still a favor
21:58and wash this terror your boyfriend is about to become a virgin all over again
22:03good boy
22:21what the fuck is that you're finally building yourself a fuckbot
22:24something me and frenchie working on it
22:27preparation i'm planning my son
22:29none of my fucking business got it
22:31yeah that's the one
22:32and he leaves on bumside
22:33not a damn thing
22:34he's an unbreakable cum that flies through the air how old can it be
22:37well if it's so easy why don't you look for him i've hit every single dead end and then some
22:42how about legend that old bastard knows everyone
22:45he's in the wind if i had as much shit on vitus he did i'd fuck off too
22:50oh shit
22:50wait wait wait
22:51wait
22:52no
22:52no
22:52wait wait wait wait no
22:56you can't have no chocolate mate
22:58yeah get your own chocolate
23:05what
23:06the mississippi rule
23:07bloody hell
23:08i never thought i'd see the day
23:09it's got a fucking pubic ear on it i know
23:11tasty too
23:12hmm
23:16you know what's funny
23:18here we are
23:19parked in the middle of hell
23:21and i've never slept or shit so good my entire life
23:25what's different
23:25huh
23:26like you
23:27i just finally realized that i'm already dead
23:31and once i just gave up that stress of needing to stay alive it's like
23:37shit got easier
23:39i spent my whole life going after soldier boy for what he did to my family
23:43yet
23:44he's immortal
23:47he's immune
23:48what kind of fucking cosmic joke is that
23:51so you tell me butcher
23:54why should i keep going
23:56well
23:57you keep going from the name
23:59to your name
24:00they better off without me
24:01how can a man so smart be so fucking daft
24:04they are
24:05they are
24:05and i'm better off
24:07without them
24:08because if i thought that there was a snowball's chance in hell
24:11then i might see him again
24:15then i might be too scared to do
24:17what you and me both
24:18need me to do
24:39you wonder what am i doing
24:43well first
24:44i made Kimiko
24:45the perfect french rebuy
24:48you know
24:49she loves my steak
24:50and for dessert
24:52my souffle en chocolate
24:55it's a thing of legend
25:03you know she wants one of you
25:05too
25:06i don't know
25:07what is it that you do
25:10eat, sleep
25:11or fetch
25:13i stir the wall
25:14you bring it back
25:16i stir the wall
25:17you bring it back
25:19it's a nightmare of futility
25:21what would i do with one of you
25:24i've killed every plant i've owned
25:26i'll surely kill you too
25:32she deserves peace
25:36a normal life
25:38but i
25:44i don't know how to give her this
25:49if i even can
26:07i need fresh air
26:09you wanna come?
26:10outside?
26:11no?
26:13okay
26:18if you and mm still think
26:20oh for fuck's sake
26:21you knock it off with this v1 shite
26:22you're doing me fucking head in
26:25oi
26:25terror
26:26cut it out
26:27come on
26:28now listen
26:29if we do find that stuff
26:30we're not making any fucking vaccines out of it
26:32alright?
26:33we're not the department of fucking health
26:34we burn that shit
26:35before homelander gets his paws on it
26:36and that's sad
26:37well if you wanna kill yourself
26:38knock yourself out
26:39but why do you have to decide for the rest of us?
26:40oh cause i'm fucking right
26:42cause i've always been right
26:43i've been telling you lot
26:44from the fucking start
26:45the sky has fallen
26:46and guess what?
26:48that sky fucking fell
26:49will you kinda help bring it down?
26:50oh don't give me that bollocks
26:52listen
26:53homelander thinks he's a fucking god
26:55once he becomes a mortal
26:56he's gonna start killing like one
26:58and we are talking millions of people
27:00now you're telling me
27:01you're honestly happy
27:02to risk all of that
27:03for a life on the run with your girl
27:06knowing
27:07that you could've stopped it
27:11you can live with that can ya?
27:14what if it was becca?
27:18you just let her die?
27:24you just let her die
27:26look
27:28i know that homelander comes first
27:31i really do
27:32all i'm asking
27:33is that we try
27:36Annie and Kimiko deserve that much
27:41oi chara no
27:43oi get out of there
27:44oh bloody hell
27:45is that chocolate?
27:46isn't chocolate bad for dogs?
27:47this soda's fucking lethal
27:49oi
27:49frosta your cat
27:50get me some hydrogen peroxa
27:52would ya?
27:52ok we have some in the first aidու?
27:53what happened?
27:55you're poisoning
27:55my fucking dog nooo no
27:58no no
27:58no no no
27:59no no no all you
27:59need is charcoal we should call
28:00That you make sure
28:01that you're gonna tell us there's some
28:03room I'llст
28:04enough over you pull, right? on the count
28:05of three One two three
28:07Sorry, buddy
28:17Good boy, you're gonna be all right boy
28:40Oi, there he is, eh?
28:44Oi, hey, were you having a dream, were you?
28:47Was it a goodie?
28:50How's he doing?
28:52Yeah, he's all right
28:54Thank you for, uh...
28:57Yeah, it's all good
29:09Oi, Huey
29:14Listen, uh...
29:15If we do find that B1
29:18And if it don't fuck us, uh...
29:22You can have some
29:25For any, you know
29:27Come eat on
29:28What about you?
29:32Oi, but as soon as Frenchy's got that shite sorted
29:35We're using that, all right?
29:36Really or not?
29:41I don't know
29:49What you looking at?
29:52Nothing
29:52As for you, don't you ever fucking do that to me again, all right?
30:01Good boy
30:03Now, I caught Blondie trying to give me a mugplush
30:06to boil wash.
30:08I don't know how you love the crunchy bits.
30:10Yes, I do want to know how you love those crunchy bits.
30:12Yeah.
30:24You do realize this kind of sudden
30:27religious upheaval is likely
30:28to generate widespread civil unrest?
30:30Local law can handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands
30:33and major mattress.
30:33But, well, recall the superstition overseas.
30:36American heroes should be protecting America.
30:38What?
30:39I don't guess the fuck is that.
30:40Great idea.
30:52Where to?
30:53Prime Analytics.
30:59That was thrilling, wasn't it?
31:02What a bright future we have ahead of us.
31:05It was a real Gucci-only piss party.
31:08Imagine how much more exciting it'll be
31:10when Homelander becomes immortal.
31:14Have you found who you are?
31:18No.
31:19Homelander hasn't gotten anything out of Stan Edgar.
31:22No.
31:23But I haven't had a crack at him yet.
31:34Jesus, give me a little personal space, will you, Garth?
31:3824-7 agents must be hard for someone so into scat play.
31:41You realize I do actually work?
31:42I was this close to convincing the FCC
31:44to pull every broadcast license but VNN.
31:47Homelander feels this is more important.
31:51What now?
31:52The president and I stand by this decision.
31:54We need our American soups here in America.
31:57Well, isn't it kind of, sort of, your fault for being invaded?
32:00You might as well have been wearing a short skirt.
32:02Man, those Ukrainians, you have a fucking mouth on them.
32:06Remember, you're doing the Lord's work.
32:08Words out.
32:09Vodsock is tanking.
32:10The international markets are in free fall,
32:12and you're not the least bit concerned.
32:13It's not about what I think.
32:15It's what the man wants.
32:18It's always what the man wants.
32:24You want a drink?
32:26So we're at the climate change summit in Reykjavik
32:28where the Swiss chancellor says we should all race our Gulf streams.
32:31The amount of CO2 we splooched out,
32:33the air was chewy the next day.
32:35Lolz.
32:40Come on.
32:41What do you want from me, Sage?
32:42What makes you think I want anything from you?
32:43You haven't called me the poster child
32:45for late-term abortion once today.
32:46Truth be told, you're not the one I want.
32:49I know you know what Homelander's doing.
32:52He's going after the V-1.
32:53Wait, what?
32:54And if he gets any, he lives forever.
32:57What is V-1?
32:58And what do you mean Homelander lives forever?
33:00I've done what I can to make sure he doesn't find any.
33:03How do you know about this and I don't?
33:04What? Have you two been talking without me?
33:07Homelander is an open baby book,
33:09but Soldier Boy is tricky.
33:10I need you to read his mind.
33:11What he knows, where they're headed next,
33:13and most importantly,
33:14if Soldier Boy is warming up to his sadistic...
33:16Well, glad.
33:18Okay, I'm in.
33:20The fuck you are?
33:21We are not conspiring against Homelander.
33:23Hey, don't forget the Aung San Suu Kyi quote
33:25tramp-stamped on our ass.
33:27The only real prison is fear.
33:28No, the only real prison is prison.
33:30Ashley, what do you think happens to you if I die?
33:33Why? I'm not about to risk my neck
33:35because I let an overgrown boil do my thinking for me.
33:38Okay, fine. Just stay.
33:40Why? So you can play more mind games?
33:42You gave me your answer. I heard you.
33:44Now, don't make me drink alone.
33:49I'm starving.
33:50Are you starving?
33:51I'd kill for a chalupa right now.
33:53I'd kill for a big juicy dick.
33:54Oh, you should call Gavin. His griff was amazing.
33:57Oh man, the amount of spunk he shot back here.
33:59We looked like Pepe Le Pew.
34:00We are not booty-calling my high school boyfriend.
34:02But he was so sweet and mom loved him, remember?
34:05Yeah, well mom's dead so she doesn't get a say.
34:07And neither do you.
34:07What happened to her?
34:09Cancer.
34:10My grandmother too.
34:12What was she like?
34:13Your mother.
34:15Tiny.
34:17I'm terrifying.
34:18This one bitch Harper Hewitt used to make fun of my nose.
34:21So my mom tells Mr. Hewitt that Mrs. Hewitt
34:24has been railing the UPS guy.
34:26Which she was.
34:27That was mom.
34:28Bringing a nuke to a knife fight.
34:33So they moved.
34:34And the rest of kindergarten was no sweat.
34:36My folks shot me out with V.
34:39Thinking I'd be a meal ticket.
34:40And then my power turned out to be smarts.
34:43Which is the worst fucking one.
34:44Try knowing what everyone really thinks of you all day.
34:47Ooh, trust me.
34:47The thing people hate more than just about anything
34:51is feeling stupid.
34:52So when a three-year-old corrects your grammar
34:54or, oh, tells them their life dream yogurt shop
34:58is doomed to fail,
34:59they start to hate you too.
35:01At least my parents did.
35:02Until they don't meet my grandmas.
35:04But grandma.
35:05She was the only one who ever thought it was a gift.
35:09I would quote Othello to her.
35:11Word for word.
35:12And she'd clap.
35:15And laugh her big laugh.
35:19I'm still so pissed sheet is gone.
35:23I used to want to be like my mom.
35:26Strong.
35:27Pushy as fuck.
35:29Didn't take shit from anyone.
35:30You still can.
35:32If you help me.
35:36Fuck you.
35:37You knew about my mom the whole time.
35:39You drew it out of me just to soften me up.
35:41Did it work?
35:42No.
35:42This is my fucking problem with you.
35:44I know you've been working some big plan all year.
35:46How am I supposed to trust you
35:47if I'm just a pawn and you're fucked up chess game?
35:50All right.
35:52If I tell you?
35:53Will you help me?
35:54I would heavily consider it.
35:56Helping Homelander take control of the country is phase one.
35:59It was only ever the beginning.
36:01Phase two is the end.
36:02The end of what?
36:03The world.
36:05After this soup-killing virus is released.
36:07Wait, you want it released?
36:09Oh, you bet I do.
36:11After soups realize humans are behind it,
36:13all hell will break loose.
36:15Soups butchering humans.
36:17Virus butchering soups.
36:18Oh, fucking world war soup.
36:20I don't believe you.
36:21Swear on my grandma's soul.
36:23Why would you possibly want that?
36:25Because I'll be watching
36:26for my cozy bunker outside Colorado Springs.
36:28And when it's all over,
36:30I can read all day every day.
36:33No one bothering me.
36:36Nothing.
36:37But peace and quiet forever.
36:40Which is why Homelander can't survive.
36:42That needy asshole would never give me a moment's rest.
36:46It defeats the whole purpose.
36:48Don't worry.
36:49You're invited to my bunker.
36:51You too, Ashley.
36:59Would you like some knee pads?
37:01I'm sorry.
37:01What?
37:02You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.
37:06So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads.
37:09Go easy on the little guy.
37:11You brought me a stand-eager.
37:12Thank you, sir.
37:13You may leave.
37:24What crawled up your shithole?
37:25No idea what you mean.
37:27When you're pissy,
37:29you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too.
37:32Stan Edgar,
37:33still stonewalling you.
37:35I've talked to him three times, now.
37:36Says he has no idea where the V1 is.
37:38Heart rate,
37:39steady as a rock.
37:40I'm certain W.
37:41That slippery fuck.
37:42Used to fetch my cocaine.
37:46You know what?
37:48I have an idea.
37:51Why don't I take a crack at him?
37:54What, you don't trust me?
37:56Well,
37:57you did lock me in a room with nuclear material
37:59and tried to stop the gang of V1,
38:02so
38:03I'm sure you can understand my
38:05hesitance.
38:06You could have killed me at Fort Harmony,
38:08but you didn't.
38:09Maybe I feel like I owe you.
38:10Well, maybe you're lying.
38:12Maybe.
38:17Give me an hour.
38:19I'll meet you at it yourself.
38:30My, my.
38:31Now the mighty have fucked themselves square in the ass.
38:35Don't shit where you eat, Stan.
38:37So you've called in reinforcements?
38:38I wanted to see the prick that sold me out to the Reds.
38:41It wasn't personal.
38:42It was a business decision.
38:43We had your replacement model on the way.
38:45Even as a toddler.
38:47Homelander showed more promise than you ever did.
38:50Not that it amounted to much.
38:52When have you ever done anything
38:56remotely interesting or original?
38:59My power
39:00is absolute, Stan.
39:02At heights no one's even dreamed of.
39:05I call that pretty fucking original.
39:07Nothing that the lowest speck of this pointless species couldn't have thought of
39:11were they to be granted your level of power.
39:14Why am I still alive?
39:18Because you're useful, Stan.
39:20And I always wanted a pet, perhaps.
39:23Or is it because you are so desperate for daddy figures
39:26that you can't even bring yourself to kill the ones who hate you?
39:30At least that's something he and I have in common.
39:33Do you want to die, Stan?
39:40Jesus.
39:41You'd get pregnant with all the eye-fucking.
39:45Tempe, Arizona.
39:46Is that supposed to mean something?
39:48Well, I had the eggheads and crime analytics
39:50track down your granddaughter,
39:52Zoe,
39:53and her dad.
39:54They're in Tempe, Arizona.
39:58So,
40:00where is the V-1?
40:04As I told you,
40:05I genuinely don't know.
40:12But,
40:14I may know someone who does.
40:16You should go and see Mr. Maramond in L.A.
40:19He's always had an intense interest
40:22in Vaught's history.
40:24It should be a delightful reunion.
40:29Hooray for Hollywood.
40:32That's screwy, ballyhoo-y Hollywood.
40:35Go out and try your luck.
40:36You might be Donald Duck.
40:38Hooray for Hollywood.
40:40Homelander.
40:41Homelander, it's really, uh,
40:41really good to see you.
40:42Um, why?
40:43But, uh, you know,
40:44what brings you by?
40:44Relax.
40:45We're just there to talk.
40:46Yeah, great.
40:47Awesome.
40:47I told you about you.
40:48Wow.
40:48Big fan, sir.
40:49I actually, uh,
40:50popped my cherry in your underoos.
40:52Nice.
40:53So you were part of the seven?
40:54Oh, I was.
40:55I was.
40:55You know,
40:56until this one replaced me with A-train.
40:58Check it out.
40:58Come on.
40:59Well, you're only the world's fastest man
41:01as long as you're the world's fastest man, champ,
41:03and you got slow.
41:04It was one race.
41:05You never gave me the chance to win it back, boss.
41:11Hey, check this one out.
41:13Gross 35 mil.
41:14On a $200 million budget.
41:16These aren't even VOD films.
41:17What's the difference?
41:18These were made where washed-up soups go to die.
41:21Sony Pictures TV.
41:22It's a legit studio.
41:24And I save half on their TVs.
41:25And maybe we're not part of the official VCU,
41:27and maybe we can't mention VOD,
41:29or, you know, any licensed VOD hero.
41:31But, hey, still making magic.
41:34Yeah, and I, uh,
41:35I slung a little bit on the side.
41:36Low pills.
41:37I was like, whatever you need.
41:38Fastest dealer in town.
41:39All right, come on.
41:40The gang will be psyched to meet you.
41:46Did you guys hear?
41:47They rounded up Aziz, Macaulay, Joaquin, Kiefer, Mero.
41:50I saw her that guy, Benedict.
41:51Wong or Cumberbatch.
41:53Oh, fuck.
41:53I know, dude.
41:54What the fuck, Malchemical?
41:55Get your boys in check, huh?
41:56Just because I'm a soup doesn't mean I truck in that fascist shit.
41:59We need to do something.
42:00Camera point.
42:01Why?
42:01Because we're storytellers, dude.
42:02Yeah.
42:03Our superpower is we inspire hearts and minds.
42:05Look at the characters we create.
42:06Luke Skywalker, Katniss, Condi.
42:09Oh, bitch, please.
42:09Come on, like Mark Hamill, J-Law, and Sir Ben Kingsley
42:12do anything but collect their fucking residuals.
42:15They're very engaged.
42:16Look, here's what we do.
42:17We all post about this simultaneously on Instagram.
42:20Yes.
42:21Black squares on the name feed.
42:22Black Lives Matter did black squares.
42:24Fuck, you're right.
42:25We did blue squares on the grid.
42:26Because blue lives matter.
42:27I wouldn't post that.
42:28Is there any color that hasn't been taken by some fucking group?
42:31What about white?
42:32Brown.
42:33Oh, ooh, ooh.
42:34I'll get Lena Dunham to write an editorial for The Atlantic.
42:37Oh, yeah.
42:37That'll really hate it.
42:38She's a great writer.
42:40She's a very persuasive.
42:41Whatever fuck sticks.
42:42Look, the best day of my life was when they executed Hader.
42:45Right?
42:45More offer onlys for the forte.
42:47Hey, do you think Michael Cera's the starlighter?
42:49Because we're up at the same part right now.
42:50It'd be pretty good if he got Vanish.
42:51You've been friends with him for 20 years, Chris.
42:53Yeah, but I really need this part, man.
42:55Hold up, hold up.
42:57What's up?
42:58Homelander.
42:59Soldier Boy.
42:59Wow.
43:00I'm Will.
43:01Remember me?
43:01I'm the one who turned in Channing Tatum.
43:06Seth Rogen.
43:07We actually met once before with Black Noir,
43:09the premiere for Silent Vengeance 3, Vengeance Reloaded.
43:13Big fan.
43:14I'm actually testifying in front of Congress for you, you know.
43:16Outing suspected starlighters.
43:17Spoiler alert.
43:18Post Malone.
43:20You need to get the fuck away from me right now.
43:22You bet, yeah.
43:24We came here looking for something.
43:26Well, you know enough if you want.
43:30You come to the right place?
43:38Here you go.
43:42Oh, yeah.
43:43Vogue yanked that one from the newsstands after Kent State.
43:47Good times.
43:48How'd you end up with it?
43:49Some old bitch on eBay.
43:50I paid 20 bucks.
43:51I mean, it'd go for half a million at auction.
43:53Easy.
44:01Yeah, Dr. Vogue was a titan.
44:04A visionary.
44:04He was a pansy.
44:06With a German accent and sweaty palms.
44:08He was a complicated guy.
44:17Do you, or do you not, have V1?
44:21I don't.
44:23But Bombside does.
44:24He does.
44:26That piece of shit's still alive.
44:27Yeah.
44:28He was my best customer for a long time.
44:30What makes you think he has it?
44:31One night, he was tweaked out of his gourd, and he told me he has some, and I believe him.
44:34Where is he?
44:35Me and Bombside are so cool.
44:36Why don't we all just hang out for a second, and I'll call him.
44:38He'll fly right over.
44:47Let's get this up in Bogota where you're taking a pass.
44:49I mean, for the soldier boy, nothing but the best.
44:58Oh, no.
44:59I actually hate weed.
45:00I just pretend to like it from my brand so I can sell ashtrays to suckers.
45:06Yo, Homelander.
45:08You want to hit this?
45:10It is my life goal to smoke you out, homie.
45:15Don't call me that.
45:19Homelander, it's good to see you again.
45:23Do I know you?
45:24Yeah, we met like six times.
45:27Malchemical.
45:27Make deadly gases.
45:29Did that whole campaign with gas sex.
45:34That's embarrassing.
45:36Homelander's still as weird as he was when I was there.
45:39I wasn't there back then, but yes.
45:41Let's get this one.
45:42One time, at Ledoux, Misha Barton wanted to suck him off, right?
45:45He spent two hours talking to her about Niji, then left when she stepped on his cape.
45:49Oh, that fucking cape.
45:51Like a baby with a blanket.
45:52Pretty sure he jerks off into it.
45:54Probably why it's so stiff.
45:55Say that again.
45:59Oh, can't you take a fucking joke?
46:04Say it again.
46:07If not as much.
46:08If Mom's eye's not coming, I'm leaving.
46:10He's on his way.
46:10Be here any minute.
46:11I swear.
46:15Oh, I'm done.
46:18Oh, shit.
46:19By the way.
46:20Wait.
46:21I heard you all.
46:22And I want you all to know that very soon, gentlemen, you are going to pay for your sick posts
46:28and your hateful memes.
46:30Especially the memes.
46:34No, no, no, no.
46:35It was Kamail.
46:36It's that's the idea.
46:36What?
46:37Fuck you, Forte.
46:38He was fucking his idea, man.
46:39If he had just stuck in your dick so you could help his shitty fucking career.
46:42Take them, okay?
46:43Shit, I'll take them out for you right now.
46:44Oh, really?
46:44Yeah.
46:44You want to take me, bitch?
46:45I'm fucking yoked.
46:46No.
46:46Really?
46:47Okay.
46:58I'll Forte.
46:59For fuck's sake.
47:05Who's memorable now?
47:06What the fuck?
47:07Easy, easy, easy.
47:08Can we fuck off, please?
47:09Shut up, MacGruber.
47:10Everything's cool.
47:11Hey, man.
47:11We don't have a problem with you.
47:12Honest.
47:12But, but, but, but, fuck this fucking guy.
47:14You know, he fucked my life.
47:16If you help us get rid of him, then we all win.
47:18And you, you can have the seven.
47:20And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever.
47:23I don't need to kill him to get the seven.
47:24No, yeah, of course not.
47:25But what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church?
47:27I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool.
47:29All the hookers, the drug dealers.
47:31They want to ban porn.
47:32I mean, they want to ban fucking abortions.
47:34Okay, well, banning abortion wouldn't be a big problem for me personally.
47:37Exactly.
47:38For all of us.
47:38So if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos.
47:44You know, we can go back to fucking and being fucking awesome.
47:48Look, we know you've got that fucked up chest blast thing.
47:50I mean, I was at Hero Gas and I saw it.
47:52Just finish him.
47:53Now, take away his powers so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.
48:03He is a fucking asexual weirdo.
48:05Yeah, yeah.
48:07But as much as it pains me to say this, he's my fucking asexual weirdo.
48:15Nobody fucks my son but me.
48:18What?
48:19That came out wrong.
48:30Oh, fuck.
48:33Oh, fuck.
48:35Oh, fuck.
48:40Damn it, try I need to stick to acting on top of those.
48:42Fuck my shit.
48:43Oh, soldier boy.
48:489-1-1, what's your emergency?
48:50Please send police right now.
48:51I don't know the address.
48:52I don't know the address.
48:53Do you know the address?
48:53I don't know the address.
48:54Oh, fuck.
48:55Fuck.
48:56It's okay.
48:56Shut up.
48:56Shut up.
48:57I'm not going to kill you.
48:58I'm going to get you out of here, but you need to do exactly as I say.
49:07Go.
49:07Go.
49:12Fuck.
49:21No.
49:22No.
49:29What's he doing to me?
49:31What's that?
49:33Fuck.
49:34Hey, hey, hey, hey.
49:35This isn't bad.
49:36Well, uh...
49:38I didn't mean to.
49:39I don't want to...
49:40It's going to be okay.
49:42I'll remember you every time I watch an American Pickle.
49:46What?
49:47Fuck.
50:15Shhh...
50:25Does Bombside really have it?
50:28Fuck you!
50:29I'm gonna rip your balls off and stuff them down your throat.
50:31That'd be like trying to shove two grapefruits through a garden hose.
50:34Does Bombside have the V1?
50:39Yes, yes, okay, yes.
50:41That part was really the fucking god, man.
50:43He's got it.
50:43Where is he?
50:44I don't know.
50:45Where the fuck is he?
50:45I don't know.
50:46I haven't talked to him in like five years.
50:47I swear to god.
50:48Please.
51:00What happened?
51:02I took care of it.
51:06Why?
51:08Because fuck them.
51:10That's why.
51:12I don't think this micro prick was lying.
51:14Bombside has the V1.
51:16I'm just gonna find him.
51:18Also, um, I've been fucking firecracker.
51:25But, out of respect for you, that's, uh, that's done.
51:31Plus her pillow talk was, didn't that be a real drag?
51:36Pillow talk?
51:50Home lander.
51:50Home lander.
52:09How was L.A.
52:12Did you catch Annette's truth bomb?
52:14I did indeed.
52:16And it was a real barn burner.
52:18Well done.
52:18Thank you, sir.
52:19That means the world.
52:22How's sex with my father?
52:26Is he good at it?
52:28Are you thinking about me when you're making love to him?
52:34I never meant to cross a line or offend you.
52:37Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
52:38Don't fret, little one.
52:39I don't care about the sex.
52:41Really.
52:43I do care about your little chats after sex.
52:46Sir, whatever soldier boy told you, I can assure you that I...
52:48You mean your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh...
52:55Jesus.
52:56Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me?
52:59No, you are my one and only savior.
53:03You say that, but your jagged little heart is wearing like a hummingbird.
53:11You're supposed to worship me.
53:13Love me.
53:15And me alone.
53:17I do.
53:17I believed in you.
53:19Turns out...
53:21You don't believe in me.
53:25I need you to collect your things.
53:28And leave.
53:31But I do believe in you.
53:33I love you.
53:35I am the only one here who ever has.
53:38I gave you everything.
53:40I gave you my soul.
53:42And everybody else here, they're just...
53:43They're just scared of you.
53:45Or they want something from you.
53:47But I have always loved you for you.
53:52Just the strongest, smartest, best man on earth.
53:58Man.
53:59No, no, no, no, no.
54:00God, no.
54:01No, no.
54:01Be God.
54:03My Lord.
54:05That look you used to get when you'd suckle me.
54:08I felt like Mother Mary herself.
54:10I felt blessed.
54:13To nourish someone as important as you.
54:20But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it?
54:23You cast me out of the cold.
54:26Which was so much worse than ever feeling your warmth in the first place.
54:30So all I have been trying to do is to get you to see me the way that you used
54:35to.
54:36Hell, the only reason I was with Soldier Boy was because your reflected light is better than all that at
54:43all.
54:44Please, sir.
54:48I love you.
54:49We all need love, don't we?
54:53Even God.
55:01I love you.
55:05I love you.
55:18I love you.
Comments