- 5 hours ago
The Boys S05E05 (2026) [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:02They're up before dawn.
00:04They got a thousand heads of cattle to herd.
00:06It's hard work and strong coffee.
00:09Old leather saddles and the worn stock of a trusty Remington.
00:14And when the sun finally rises over the range,
00:17the cowboys know America is God's country
00:20and Americans God's chosen people.
00:23So shouldn't we have our own church for Americans?
00:26With American grit and American values
00:29founded by the greatest American of us all.
00:32A true American prophet.
00:34Come home to the Democratic Church of America.
00:37Come home to Homelander.
00:39Already, the campaign's aided awareness outpaces the norm
00:43by plus 22 points led by white men and women ages 36 to 54 and 55 to 72.
00:51We are also seeing massive growth on the ground level.
00:54Yeah, I'm seeing massive growth myself.
01:00Church attendance is up.
01:02And our online donation CTR is at 44%.
01:05That's a new record. Amen.
01:06Amen.
01:07Next up is a 500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital.
01:15Ain't nobody won't know about the Democratic Church of America and its chosen prophet.
01:25Prophets are servants.
01:27Of course.
01:29Sir, great point.
01:30We're just trying to ease people into it.
01:32No, no, no.
01:33We need to prepare America for my ascension.
01:37You must be honest.
01:38You must be direct.
01:40I like Savior or Lord.
01:44Yes, I couldn't agree more, sir.
01:45Hmm.
01:46Religion's not about being meek.
01:48We should dominate the seven mountains of society.
01:51Bring the kingdom of heaven to earth.
01:53Amen.
01:54Amen.
01:54Amen.
01:55I love all that.
01:56So fucking dope.
01:57Easter is just around the corner.
01:59How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?
02:04Hmm.
02:05Second coming?
02:06Let's be clear.
02:07I am not the son of God.
02:11Well, of course.
02:12Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.
02:16Well, that's just confusing.
02:17I don't want my church getting involved in all of that.
02:21Exactly.
02:21Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have...
02:25Yes.
02:36We gonna drag our feet because of a book.
02:38Not a book.
02:41The book.
02:42The Homelander Bible.
02:49Heavy.
02:51It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament.
02:58Written by AI, trained on the works of Pat Robertson.
03:00See, we need to pass the torch, sir.
03:03From Jesus to you, sir.
03:06And we don't get more than one chance at a first impression.
03:10Are we really gonna rush something this important?
03:14We need Arby's after all.
03:16No.
03:18We're the Cheesecake Factory.
03:24Okay.
03:26We'll do it your way.
03:31You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?
03:37Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros.
03:41No.
03:42Is recall all superstition overseas?
03:44The American heroes should be protecting America, not who gives a fuck a stand.
03:48Great idea.
03:48Mm-hmm.
03:56Something wrong?
03:58Everything's peachy.
04:05Well, I can see why they call this the city that never sleeps.
04:09How could you with all that racket?
04:12You get used to it.
04:13You seem to us.
04:14City life seems to suit you.
04:16I guess.
04:19I was surprised you called, Reverend.
04:21Well, I was surprised you answered.
04:23It's been a while, and I said things I regret.
04:25You both did.
04:29You remember when you used to stop by the church after school?
04:33Use your powers to light our candles.
04:35I remember staying for supper.
04:37Oh, man.
04:39Those fish fry Fridays.
04:41I never liked eating alone.
04:42Well, were you making sure I got at least one hot square a day?
04:48Reverend, is something the matter?
04:50I'm embarrassed to bug you with all of this, but the last couple of weeks have been rough.
04:55We've been bleeding congregants to the Democratic Church of America and what folks are sticking around and shared.
05:02Why?
05:03Because last Sunday, somebody melted her stained glass window of Mary.
05:08Melted it?
05:08Mm-hmm.
05:09It's a local soup.
05:11Prairie Mantis.
05:13He sprayed acid out of his butt.
05:15I mean, his glands is whatever.
05:17Yeah, I know him.
05:18It was a message.
05:19I called the sheriff.
05:21I called the mayor.
05:22I've caught half of Florida.
05:23You're all I got left.
05:26Reverend, I don't know what I could do.
05:28Well, you gotta be able to do something.
05:30Your Homelander's right hand.
05:33Well, Homelander's not too keen on being challenged.
05:38Why not just pay the franchise fee and join?
05:41Honey, we can barely afford to pay our water bill.
05:44Besides, the Democratic Church of America, God does not favor one nation over another.
05:50Doesn't he, though?
05:51No.
05:52Name one way God's ever blessed Canada.
05:58Just cause Homelander tells you that the sky is red does not make it so.
06:05You still have that, uh, that Jesus action figure.
06:09I'm surprised you remember that.
06:10How could I forget it?
06:11You carried it with you everywhere you went.
06:12You almost worked face off the thing.
06:15You still carry him?
06:16Yeah.
06:21It's complicated.
06:22No, it's...
06:23I don't think it is.
06:25Homelander's a great American.
06:27He can stop bullets.
06:29He can fly and do amazing things.
06:31Those aren't miracles.
06:33And he is not God.
06:36If you're the same Misty Tucker Gray that I taught the Bible to, Overfish, I think you know it too.
06:53What are you doing?
06:56We ain't doing that again.
06:58It's what you said the last six times.
07:00Well, I really mean it this time.
07:05You seem a little out of it.
07:07Did you nut?
07:08It's usually you nut.
07:13Were you baptized?
07:18Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill.
07:20Governor Sproul did the honors.
07:22My family kept up appearances, of course.
07:25And we never set foot in church again.
07:27I had lunch today with the Reverend who baptized me.
07:29He's been getting heat to switch over to our church.
07:33I think Homelander might be open to going easy on him.
07:36Just...
07:36Give him a little more time.
07:39I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but...
07:41That man practically raised me.
07:44So you didn't nut.
07:48You know this whole Homelander is God shit.
07:50It's...
07:51It's fucking ridiculous.
07:53Really? You think so?
07:55If he's a second coming, then what does that make me?
07:57Joseph?
07:59We talk about the biggest cook in history.
08:01A man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin.
08:04And then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet.
08:09Fuck that.
08:10I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord.
08:17Okay.
08:19Of course I worship Homelander.
08:21I mean...
08:21He's always been a God to me.
08:23Look, I'll tell you this.
08:24If there is a God...
08:27Sure as hell didn't come out of my balls.
08:30I gotta go.
08:31Where are you off to?
08:32L.A.
08:33L.A.
08:35L.A.
08:35I fucking hate L.A.
08:40Homelander?
08:45Hello?
08:50Hello?
08:50Does Homelander know you're here?
08:53Yeah, of course.
08:54Some of our church's followers generously donated their milk for our savior's sustenance.
08:59I mean, he gotta get his liquid gold from somewhere, am I right?
09:02You need something.
09:04Where's Homelander?
09:05Oh, well, he didn't tell you.
09:07Yeah, he had to fly off to L.A.
09:09Strange you didn't mention anything.
09:11Well, I've been real busy working for his glory, so not much time for chit-chat.
09:14Of course.
09:15Look at us, regular Peter and John, just bearing witness and spreading the gospel.
09:19A real blessing.
09:20Amen.
09:21Amen.
09:21A real blessing.
09:23Oh, uh, by the way, after our meeting, I checked in on the timeline of that Homelander Bible,
09:30and, uh, the printers were happy to rush it to make Easter.
09:34Well, ain't you fully get up and go?
09:37Thing is, they said it wasn't a problem.
09:39So I wondered why you were so bent on holding it up.
09:44I wasn't.
09:46See, I just wanted to make sure everything was just right.
09:49Listen, if you are ever feeling any doubts, come to me.
09:55I could be a warm shoulder and a friendly ear.
09:58Well, bless your heart.
10:02I'll do that.
10:06What'd you want to talk to Homelander about?
10:08Maybe I could help.
10:10That is so kind of you.
10:13But what important?
10:24What's up?
10:25Um, got a tip from our southeast stringer.
10:29Praying Mantis rated half a dozen churches in Daytona.
10:33Was one of them Holy Baptist?
10:36The man upstairs wants us, you, to run with it top of show.
10:40He thinks with it being your home church and all, it'll make a strong statement.
10:44So I'll have Chris load the new graphics.
10:47I've got to finish getting ready.
10:57Welcome to Truth Bomb.
11:00Our top story tonight is a personal one.
11:02It's the story of my hometown church.
11:05Holy Baptist of Daytona.
11:07It was the church I grew up in.
11:08Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday.
11:10But that church, that church, that church has become a hotbed of starlight infestation.
11:32And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected by starlight seditious propaganda.
11:46Now, I never told Sol this, but when I was a little girl, the Reverend regularly had me over for
11:53supper alone.
11:57Nothing ever happened to me, but I heard stories about his fish fry Fridays.
12:06And if that ain't code for child grooming, I don't know what is.
12:13How much longer are we going to let these institutional pedo churches diddle our babies?
12:23Americans deserve better.
12:28They deserve Homelander.
12:33They deserve the Democratic Church of America.
12:52Something wrong?
12:54Everything's peachy.
12:58Would you like some knee pads?
13:00I'm sorry?
13:00You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.
13:04So I'm asking if you would like some knee pads.
13:07Take it easy, I'm a little guy.
13:09You brought me Stan Edgar.
13:12Thank you, sir.
13:33Harry Gibb. B-G. There's no B-G's without me.
13:37B-G means the brother's Gibb.
13:39Wait, you think that falsetto makes you boss?
13:41I think Saturday Night Fever going platinum sixteen times makes me boss.
13:44We made that album together.
13:46Nothing without me and Maurice.
13:48Don't you dare bring me into this.
13:51I don't know, it feels inauthentic for Barry to move like this.
13:54Oh yeah?
13:57In what way?
13:58Ego maniacs like Barry are really just insecure.
14:02I think he's threatened by Robin's talent.
14:04So maybe he expresses that by doing a barrel roll instead.
14:11Never mind, sorry. I broke character. I didn't mean to.
14:14You need to apologize, alright?
14:17For being a fucking genius.
14:20Are you fucking kidding me? A barrel roll?
14:23Holy shit.
14:25It's brilliant.
14:27Justin, I don't know who you are, or where you came from, or anything about you.
14:31But my God, if you are not a fucking talent.
14:34Well, thank you.
14:35No.
14:39Let's take ten, everybody.
14:43Alright.
14:46Lay it on me, Justin.
14:47What do you mean?
14:48You're acting.
14:49Up there, stop acting.
14:51Stop acting.
14:54Don't act.
14:55Don't.
14:56Because I don't need an actor.
14:59I need Barry Gibb.
15:00You're right, boss. I'm sorry.
15:02My process has been all over the map.
15:04It just...
15:04This scene ends a little close to home.
15:08Alright, let me guess the egomaniac we're talking about that's someone in your life?
15:11Someone I work with.
15:12In my day job.
15:14Alright, what are you doing so quit?
15:15There's no way this gig is more important than the fucking theater.
15:17I thought this guy was my brother.
15:19But he should have hijacked something I did and took all the credit for it.
15:23Alright.
15:25I've been trying to keep this on the DL, but...
15:28In addition to my theater work, I also happen to be a massive feature director.
15:33For Saturn Wars to prove it.
15:34So I was working on this little film, I don't know, you may have heard of it called Dawn of
15:37the Seven.
15:38Billy Dollar Gross, but who's counting?
15:41There was this fucking guy.
15:43The Deep.
15:44He just kept upstaging everyone with his trite, shitty improvs.
15:49I heard he's a real baby.
15:50He's a Jared Leto-level baby bitch.
15:53But you gotta put people like that in their place, right?
15:56So whoever's upstaging you, you fucking upstage them right back.
16:00Okay?
16:00Yeah.
16:01Alright.
16:02You got this, Gubbala.
16:07So great you're here, bro?
16:09Yes.
16:10Well, we need to meet young men where they are if we plan to usher them into the fold of
16:15our lord.
16:15Toots my goats.
16:17So listen, you know, I've got some ideas about how to take this whole church thing to the next level.
16:21Oh yeah?
16:22So you know how communion wafers taste like dried shit?
16:26What if they were Nilla wafers instead, huh?
16:30Oh yeah, and if you could throw in a commandment about how it's not cool to try and bone another
16:34bros girl.
16:36We have that.
16:38That already exists.
16:39Great minds then, eh?
16:41Point is, me and homeowner, we go way back.
16:43I know what he likes, doesn't like, so you ever want to bounce my ideas back?
16:46Don't listen to him, bro.
16:48Oh shit.
16:50He talks.
16:51No, he does not.
16:52He's not trying to help you.
16:53He's like those fish who suck on whales.
16:54He's talking about a sucker fish?
16:56He latches onto every new soup.
16:58Starlight, me, sage.
17:00He pretends he's the guy, but he's not the guy.
17:02He's a joke.
17:03That smell on his breath?
17:04It's because he's been clam diving.
17:06On clams.
17:06What?
17:07I have not done that.
17:08I have definitely never done that.
17:10Look, if you really want to impress Homelander, bring me on stage for Easter.
17:13Homelander can heal me, I'll get my voice back, and then I'll fly.
17:17You know I can fly, right?
17:19That's so fucking stupid, bro.
17:20Well, now, I'm gonna have to run this by Homelander, but, uh, in honest-to-God faith healing,
17:24that's like a nine-point bump with Pentecostals right there.
17:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:29Goddamn.
17:44There's my guy!
17:46Little pep in the step, huh?
17:49Sir, I did what you said, and I upstaged that bucket at work.
17:53I'm proud of you.
17:54Well, that's exactly how I handled that motherfucker Paul Rudd.
17:57He's not who you think he is.
17:58I appreciate that, boss.
18:00You bring-
18:01Oh, my God, kid.
18:02You know what?
18:02Keep this between us, bud.
18:04You know Vought Studios hung you out to dry after the show of training A-train?
18:08Oh, yeah.
18:09And at first I drowned my sorrows in crack.
18:12Nitrous, huffing glue, huffing paint, paint thinners, cough medicine, guns, high-risk sex, codeine.
18:17Did you ever fuck on codeine?
18:20But that's not the answer.
18:24This play.
18:26It saved me.
18:27You saved me.
18:29Wow.
18:31No.
18:32Kid, thank you.
18:34Because I got some big news.
18:36We're going to Broadway.
18:37Yes, no more mindless studio bullshit.
18:40I can finally be the artist I just dreamed of and you.
18:42Kid, you have no idea, but you're going to be a fucking star.
18:45So you ditch that office gig because you and I, we are going to save the world.
18:51With our talent.
18:52Oh, my God, you have no idea how much this means to me.
18:56I love you, kid.
18:59You start your vocal warm-ups.
19:02Yeah.
19:02I'm going to drop a juice.
19:03Okay.
19:09I fucking told you to go away.
19:15No!
19:19Run!
19:20Run!
19:24Run!
19:26Run!
19:26Get her out of the car.
19:27Run!
19:27Get her out of the car!
19:32Get her out of the car!
19:34Come here.
19:38Closer.
19:43My eyes hurt so fucking much.
20:08Hey, bro.
20:09Don't you fucking hate bro me.
20:10What the fuck is wrong with you?
20:13Nothing.
20:14Why?
20:14What's wrong with you?
20:15I call you a clam diver and you send an eel to ass murder Adam Bork?
20:18Something terrible happened at your play rehearsal today, which is definitely not your job.
20:22The lead producer's stepping away.
20:24They're shuttering the production.
20:25Get it coming.
20:27Fucker didn't use my improvs in Dawn of the Seven.
20:29He believed in me, you fuckwit.
20:30And for what?
20:31Because I fucking upstaged you with O-Father?
20:34This is going to happen now.
20:36You are going to fucking do whatever I say, whenever I say it.
20:40I'm going to kill Homeland or you are in some pussy play.
20:43Which is a definite conflict of interest since Homeland or Elba, the National Endowment for the Arts.
20:50You have nothing to say.
20:52Nice.
20:53We're getting the hang of that miser technique, huh?
21:03You have nothing to say.
21:03Hey, buddy.
21:04Good boy.
21:06Good boy.
21:10You want to fuck me?
21:12You want to fuck me like a good boy?
21:30Hold on.
21:32What are you doing?
21:33Frenchie won't cook my steak past medium rare.
21:35I like mine burnt with ketchup.
21:36Okay, and why don't you tell him that?
21:38I have.
21:40Maybe we just don't like the same steak.
21:44You know?
21:47Jesus Christ.
21:49Has Butcher ever washed this thing?
21:51That thing is like glazed in dog semen.
21:53Like a cum donut.
21:55Cum nut?
21:55Did I just invent any word?
21:57You know what?
21:57I'm going to do a still a favor and wash this.
21:59Terror, your boyfriend is about to become a virgin all over again.
22:02Whew.
22:03Good boy.
22:21What the fuck is that?
22:23You finally building yourself a fuckbot?
22:25Something to me and Frenchie are working on it.
22:28Preparation?
22:28I'm planning my son.
22:29I'm in my fucking business, got it.
22:31Yeah, that's the one.
22:32And he leaves on bum site.
22:33Not a damn thing.
22:34He's an unbreakable cum that flies through the air.
22:36How old can it be?
22:37Well, it was so easy.
22:39Why don't you look for him?
22:40I've hit every single dead end and then some.
22:42How about legend?
22:43That old boss knows everyone.
22:45He's in the wind.
22:46If I had as much shit on fire as he did, I'd fuck off too.
22:50Oh, shit.
22:51Wait, wait, wait.
22:51Hey, Terror, no!
22:53Hey, get down!
22:53No, Terror, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no.
22:56You can't have no chocolate, mate.
22:58Yeah, get your own chocolate.
23:05What?
23:06The Mississippi Room?
23:07What the hell?
23:08I never thought I'd see the guy.
23:10It's got a fucking pubic ear on it.
23:11I know.
23:11Tasty, too.
23:12Hmm?
23:16You know what's funny?
23:18Here we are, parked in the middle of hell, and I've never slept or shit so good my entire
23:24life.
23:25What's different?
23:26Hmm?
23:26Like you, I just finally realized that I'm already dead.
23:31And once I just gave up that stress of needing to stay alive, it's like, shit got easier.
23:39You know, I spent my whole life going after Soulja Boy for what he did to my family.
23:43Yet, he's immortal?
23:46He's immune.
23:49What kind of fucking cosmic joke is that?
23:52So you tell me, Butcher.
23:54Why should I keep going?
23:56Well, you keep going from the name to the name.
24:00They're better off without me.
24:01How can a man so smart be so fucking daft?
24:04They are.
24:05And I'm better off without them.
24:08Because if I thought that there was a snowball's chance in hell, then I might see him again.
24:15Then I might be too scared to do what you and me both need me to do.
24:38Oh, bonsoir, mon toutou.
24:41You wonder what am I doing?
24:43Well, first, I made Kimiko the perfect French rebuy.
24:48You know, she loves my steak.
24:51And for dessert, my souffle en chocolat.
24:55It's a thing of legend.
25:03You know, she wants one of you, too.
25:06I don't know.
25:07What is it that you do?
25:10Eat, sleep, or fetch?
25:13Ha-ha.
25:14I stir the wall.
25:15You bring it back.
25:16I stir the wall.
25:17You bring it back.
25:19It's a nightmare of futility.
25:21What would I do with one of you?
25:24I've killed every plant I've owned.
25:26I'll surely kill you, too.
25:29Really?
25:32She deserves peace.
25:36A normal life.
25:39But I...
25:44I don't know how to give her this.
25:49If I even can.
26:07I need fresh air.
26:09You want to come?
26:10Outside?
26:11No?
26:13Okay.
26:18If you and M.M. still think...
26:20Oh, for fuck's sake, Huey.
26:21You knock it off with this V1 strike.
26:22You're doing me fucking head in.
26:25Oi.
26:26Tira.
26:27Cut it out.
26:28Come on.
26:29Now listen.
26:29If we do find that stuff,
26:30we're not making any fucking vaccines out of it, alright?
26:33We're not the Department of Fucking Health.
26:34We burn this shit before only anyone gets his paws on it,
26:36and that's it.
26:37Well, if you want to kill yourself,
26:38knock yourself out,
26:39but why do you have to decide for the rest of us?
26:40Oh, because I'm fucking right.
26:42Because I've always been right.
26:43I've been telling you lot,
26:44from the fucking start,
26:45the sky has fallen.
26:47And guess what?
26:48The sky fucking fell.
26:49Well, you kind of helped bring it down.
26:50Oh, don't give me that bollocks.
26:52Listen,
26:53Omelander thinks he's a fucking god.
26:55Once he becomes a mortal,
26:56he's going to start killing like one,
26:58and we are talking millions of people.
27:00Now, are you telling me
27:01you're honestly happy
27:02to risk all of that
27:03for a life on the run
27:05with your girl
27:06knowing
27:07that you could have stopped it?
27:11You can live with that, can't you?
27:14What if it was Becca?
27:18You just let her die?
27:24I'll just let her die.
27:26Look,
27:28I know that Omelander comes first.
27:31I really do.
27:32All I'm asking
27:33is that we try.
27:36Annie and Kimiko deserve that much.
27:41Oi, Sarah, no!
27:43Oi, get out of there!
27:44Oh, bloody hell.
27:45Is that chocolate?
27:46Isn't chocolate bad for dogs?
27:47For a dog,
27:48this soda's fucking lethal.
27:49Oi, freshie, you cop!
27:50Get me some hydrogen peroxide,
27:52would ya?
27:52We have some in the first aid kit.
27:53Give me one second.
27:54What happened?
27:55You poisoned my fucking dog!
27:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
27:59All you need is chocolate.
28:00We should call that.
28:01They're gonna tell you you need chocolate.
28:02Guys, we got this.
28:02Just give us some room.
28:03I'll hold this mouth over.
28:04You pour, right?
28:05On the count of three.
28:06One, two, three.
28:07Sorry, buddy.
28:09There you go.
28:15Oh, I see.
28:17Good boy.
28:18All right.
28:18You're gonna be all right, boy.
28:21Fucking hell.
28:26Hey, you want some turkey?
28:30Well, first you gotta fuck me,
28:33then I'll give you the turkey.
28:40Hey.
28:42There he is, eh?
28:44Hey, were you having a dream, were you?
28:47Was it a goodie?
28:50How's he doing?
28:52Yeah.
28:52He's all right.
28:54Thank you for, uh...
28:56Yeah.
28:58Fuck it.
29:08Oi.
29:09Huey.
29:13Listen, uh...
29:15If we do find that, be one.
29:18And if it don't fuck us,
29:21um...
29:21You can have some.
29:25For any, and, uh...
29:27Come eat on.
29:28What about you?
29:32Oi.
29:32But as soon as Frenchy's got that shite sorted,
29:35we're using it, all right?
29:36Really or not?
29:49What's he looking at?
29:52Nothing.
29:57And as for you,
29:58don't you ever fucking do that to me again, all right?
30:01Good boy.
30:03Now,
30:04I caught Blondie trying to give you a make-plush to boil-wash,
30:08but I'll know how you love the crunchy bits.
30:10Usually I do want to know how you love those crunchy bits.
30:12Yeah.
30:24You do realize
30:25this kind of sudden religious upheaval
30:28is likely to generate widespread civil unrest.
30:30Local law can handle the suburbs,
30:32but we could use extra hands in major metros.
30:33But, well, recall all the superstition overseas.
30:36American heroes should be protecting America,
30:38not who gives the fuck a stand.
30:40Great idea.
30:59That was thrilling, wasn't it?
31:02What a bright future we have ahead of us.
31:05It was a real Gucci-only piss party.
31:08Imagine how much more exciting it'll be
31:10when Homelander becomes immortal.
31:14Have you found who you are?
31:18No.
31:19Homelander hasn't gotten anything out of Stan Edgar.
31:22No.
31:23But I haven't had a crack at him yet.
31:34Jesus, give me a little personal space, will you, Garth?
31:3824-7 agents must be hard for someone so into scat play.
31:41You realize I do actually work?
31:43I was this close to convincing the FCC
31:44to pull every broadcast license but VNN.
31:47Homelander feels this is more important.
31:51What now?
31:52The president and I stand by this decision.
31:54We need our American soups here in America.
31:57Well, isn't it kind of, sort of, your fault for being invaded?
32:00You might as well have been wearing a short skirt.
32:02Man, those Ukrainians, you have a fucking mouth on them.
32:06Remember, you're doing the Lord's work.
32:08Words out.
32:09Vodsock is tanking.
32:10The international markets are in free fall,
32:12and you're not the least bit concerned.
32:13It's not about what I think.
32:15It's what the man wants.
32:18It's always what the man wants.
32:24You want a drink?
32:26So we're at the Climate Change Summit in Reykjavik
32:28where the Swiss Chancellor says we should all race our Gulf Streams.
32:31The amount of CO2 we splooched out,
32:33the air was chewy the next day.
32:35Lolz.
32:40Come on.
32:41What do you want from me, Sage?
32:42What makes you think I want anything from you?
32:43You haven't called me the poster child
32:45for late-term abortion once today.
32:46Truth be told, you're not the one I want.
32:49I know you know what Homelander's doing.
32:52He's going after the V1.
32:53Wait, what?
32:54And if he gets any, he lives forever.
32:57What is V1?
32:58And what do you mean Homelander lives forever?
33:00I've done what I can to make sure he doesn't find any.
33:03How do you know about this and I don't?
33:05Have you two been talking without me?
33:07Homelander is an open baby book, but Soldier Boy is tricky.
33:10I need you to read his mind.
33:11Well, he knows where they're headed next,
33:13and most importantly,
33:14if Soldier Boy is warming up to his sadistic...
33:16Well, glad.
33:18Okay, I'm in.
33:20The fuck you are?
33:21We are not conspiring against Homelander.
33:23Hey, don't forget the Aung San Suu Kyi quote
33:25tramp stamped on our ass.
33:26The only real prison is fear.
33:28No, the only real prison is prison.
33:30Ashley, what do you think happens to you if I die?
33:33I'm not about to risk my neck
33:35because I let an overgrown boy will do my thinking for me.
33:38Okay, fine.
33:39Just stay.
33:40Why?
33:40So you can play more mind games?
33:42You gave me your answer.
33:43I heard you.
33:44Now, don't make me drink alone.
33:49I'm starving.
33:50Are you starving?
33:51I'd kill for a chalupa right now.
33:53I'd kill for a big juicy dick.
33:54Oh, you should call Gavin.
33:56His griff was amazing.
33:57And oh man, the amount of spunk he shot back here.
33:59We looked like Pepe Le Pew.
34:00We are not booty calling my high school boyfriend.
34:02But he was so sweet.
34:03And mom loved him, remember?
34:05Yeah, well, mom's dead, so she doesn't get a say.
34:07And neither do you.
34:07What happened to her?
34:09Cancer.
34:10My grandmother, too.
34:12What was she like?
34:13Your mother.
34:15Tiny.
34:17And terrifying.
34:18This one bitch, Harper Hewitt, used to make fun of my nose.
34:21So my mom tells Mr. Hewitt that Mrs. Hewitt has been railing the UPS guy.
34:26Which she was.
34:27That was mom.
34:28Bringing a nuke to a knife fight.
34:33So they moved.
34:34And the rest of kindergarten was no sweat.
34:36My folks shot me out with V.
34:39Thinking I'd be a meal ticket.
34:40And then my power turned out to be smarts.
34:43Which is the worst fucking one.
34:44Try knowing what everyone really thinks of you all day.
34:46Ooh, trust me.
34:47The thing people hate more than just about anything is feeling stupid.
34:52So when a three-year-old corrects your grammar, or, oh, tells them their life dream yogurt shop is doomed
34:59to fail,
34:59they start to hate you, too.
35:01At least my parents did.
35:02Until they don't meet my grandmas.
35:04But grandma, you know, she was the only one who ever thought it was a gift.
35:09I would quote Othello to her, word for word, and, and she'd clap.
35:15And laugh her big laugh.
35:19I'm still so pissed she is gone.
35:23I used to want to be like my mom.
35:26Strong.
35:27Pushy as fuck.
35:29Didn't take shit from anyone.
35:30You still can.
35:32If you help me.
35:36Fuck you.
35:37You knew about my mom the whole time.
35:39You drew it out of me just to soften me up.
35:41Did it work?
35:42No.
35:42This is my fucking problem with you.
35:44I know you've been working some big plan all year.
35:46How am I supposed to trust you if I'm just a pawn in your fucked up chess game?
35:50Alright.
35:52If I tell you?
35:53Will you help me?
35:54I would heavily consider it.
35:56Helping Homelander take control of the country is phase one.
35:59It was only ever the beginning.
36:01Phase two is the end.
36:02The end of what?
36:03The world.
36:05After this soup-killing virus is released.
36:07Wait, you want it released?
36:09Oh, you bet I do.
36:11After soups realize humans are behind it, all hell will break loose.
36:15Soups butchering humans.
36:17Virus butchering soups.
36:18Oh, fucking world war soup.
36:20I don't believe you.
36:21Swear on my grandma's soul.
36:23Why would you possibly want that?
36:24Because I'll be watching for my cozy bunker outside Colorado Springs.
36:28And when it's all over, I can read all day every day.
36:33No one bothering me.
36:36Nothing but peace and quiet forever.
36:40Which is why Homelander can't survive.
36:42That needy asshole would never give me a moment's rest.
36:46It defeats the whole purpose.
36:48Don't worry.
36:49You're invited to my bunker.
36:51You too, Ashley.
36:59Would you like some knee pads?
37:01I'm sorry.
37:01What?
37:02You're looking at me like you want to suck my hog.
37:06So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads.
37:09Go easy on the little guy.
37:11You brought me a stand-eager.
37:12Thank you, sir.
37:13You may leave.
37:14You may leave.
37:24What crawled up your shithole.
37:25No idea what you mean.
37:27When you're pissy, you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too.
37:32Stan Edgar.
37:33Still stonewalling you.
37:35I've talked to him three times now.
37:36Says he has no idea where the V1 is.
37:38Heart rate steady as a rock.
37:40I'm starting to believe him.
37:41That slippery fuck.
37:42Used to fetch my cocaine.
37:46You know what?
37:48I have an idea.
37:51Why don't I take a crack at him?
37:54What, you don't trust me?
37:56Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and tried to stop the gang of V1,
38:02so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance.
38:06You could have killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't.
38:09Maybe I feel like I owe you.
38:10Or maybe lying.
38:12Maybe.
38:17Give me an hour.
38:19I'll meet you at your cell.
38:30My, my.
38:31Now the mighty have fucked themselves square in the ass.
38:35Don't shit where you eat, Stan.
38:37So you've called in reinforcements?
38:38I wanted to see the prick that sold me out to the Reds.
38:41It wasn't personal.
38:42It was a business decision.
38:43We had your replacement model on the way.
38:45Even as a toddler, Homelander showed more promise than you ever did.
38:50Not that it amounted to much.
38:52When have you ever done anything remotely interesting or original?
38:59My power is absolute, Stan.
39:02At heights no one's even dreamed of.
39:05I call that pretty fucking original.
39:07Nothing that the lowest speck of this pointless species couldn't have thought of were they to be granted your level
39:13of power.
39:14Why am I still alive?
39:18Because you're useful, Stan.
39:20And I always wanted a pet, perhaps.
39:23Or is it because you are so desperate for daddy figures that you can't even bring yourself to kill the
39:28ones who hate you?
39:30At least that's something he and I have in common.
39:34Do you want to die, Stan?
39:40Jesus, you'd get pregnant with all the eye-fucking...
39:44Tempe, Arizona.
39:46Is that supposed to mean something?
39:48Well, I had the eggheads and crime analytics track down your granddaughter, Zoe, and her dad.
39:54They're in Tempe, Arizona.
39:59So, where is the V-1?
40:03As I told you, I genuinely don't know.
40:14But, I may know someone who does.
40:16You should go and see Mr. Maramond in L.A.
40:19He's always had an intense interest in Vaught's history.
40:24It should be a delightful reunion.
40:30Hooray for Hollywood.
40:32That's screwy, ballyhoo-y Hollywood.
40:35Go out and try your luck.
40:36You might be Donald Duck.
40:39Hooray for Hollywood.
40:40Homelander, it's really good to see you.
40:42Why?
40:43But, you know, what brings you by?
40:44Relax.
40:45We're just there to talk.
40:46Yeah, great.
40:47Awesome.
40:47I told you about you.
40:48Wow.
40:48Big fan, sir.
40:49I actually popped my cherry in your underoos.
40:52Nice.
40:53So, you were part of the Seven?
40:54Oh, I was.
40:55I was.
40:55You know, until this one replaced me with A-Train.
40:58Check it out.
40:58Come on.
40:59Well, you're only the world's fastest man as long as you're the world's fastest man, champ.
41:03And you got slow.
41:04It was one race.
41:05Never gave me the chance to win it back, boss.
41:11Hey, check this one out.
41:13Gross 35 mil.
41:14On a $200 million budget.
41:16These aren't even VOD films.
41:17What's the difference?
41:18These were made where washed-up soups go to die.
41:21Sony Pictures TV.
41:22It's a legit studio.
41:23And I save half on their TVs.
41:25And maybe we're not part of the official ECU.
41:27And maybe we can't mention VOD or, you know, any licensed VOD hero.
41:31But, hey.
41:32Still making magic.
41:34Yeah.
41:34And I, uh, I slung a little bit.
41:36On the side.
41:36Low pills.
41:37I was like, whatever you need.
41:38Fastest dealer in town.
41:39All right.
41:40Come on.
41:40The gang will be psyched to meet you.
41:46Did you guys hear it?
41:47They rounded up Aziz, Macaulay, Joaquin, Kiefer, Meryl.
41:50I also heard they got Benedict.
41:52Wong or Cumberbatch.
41:53Oh, fuck.
41:53I know, dude.
41:54What the fuck, Malchemical?
41:55Get your boys in check, huh?
41:56Just because I'm a soup doesn't mean I truck in that fascist shit.
41:58We need to do something.
42:00Camera point.
42:00Why?
42:01Because we're storytellers, dude.
42:02Our superpower is we inspire hearts and minds.
42:05Look at the characters we create.
42:06Luke Skywalker, Katniss, Condi.
42:09Oh, bitch, please.
42:09Come on.
42:10Like Mark Hamill, J-Law, and Sir Ben Kingsley do anything but collect their fucking residuals.
42:15They're very engaged.
42:16Look, here's what we do.
42:17We all post about this simultaneously on Instagram.
42:20Yes.
42:21Black squares on the main feed.
42:22Black Lives Matter did black squares.
42:24Fuck.
42:24You're right.
42:25We did blue squares on the grid.
42:26Because blue lives matter.
42:27I wouldn't post that.
42:28Is there any color that hasn't been taken by some fucking group?
42:31What about white?
42:32Well, I'll...
42:33Oh, ooh, ooh.
42:34I'll get Lena Dunham to write an editorial for The Atlantic.
42:37Oh, that'll really hate.
42:38She's a great writer.
42:40She's a very persuasive.
42:41Whatever fuck sticks.
42:42Look, best day of my life was when they executed Hader.
42:45Right?
42:45More offer onlys for the forte.
42:47Do you think Michael Cera's a starlighter?
42:49Because we're up at the same part right now.
42:50It'd be pretty good if he got Vanish.
42:51You've been friends with him for 20 years, Chris.
42:53Yeah, but I really need this part, man.
42:55Hold on, hold on.
42:57What's up?
42:58Homelander!
42:59Soldier Boy!
42:59Wow!
42:59I'm Will.
43:01Remember me?
43:01I'm the one who turned in Channing Tatum.
43:06Seth Rogen.
43:07We actually met once before with Black Noir at the premiere for Silent Vengeance 3, Vengeance
43:11Reloaded.
43:13Big fan!
43:14I'm actually testifying in front of Congress for you, you know, outing suspected starlighters.
43:17Spoiler alert.
43:18Post Malone.
43:20You need to get the fuck away from me right now.
43:22You bet.
43:22Yeah.
43:24We came here looking for something.
43:26Well, you know enough, he won.
43:30Come to the right place.
43:38Here you go.
43:42Oh yeah, Vogue yanked that one from the newsstands after Kent State.
43:47Good times.
43:48How'd you end up with it?
43:49Some old bitch on eBay.
43:50I paid 20 bucks.
43:51I mean, it'd go for half a million at auction.
43:53Easy.
44:01Yeah, Dr. Vogue was a titan.
44:04A visionary.
44:05He was a pansy.
44:06The German accent and sweaty palms.
44:08He was a complicated guy.
44:17Do you, or do you not, have V1?
44:22I don't.
44:23But Bombside does.
44:24He does.
44:26That piece of shit's still alive.
44:27Yeah.
44:28He was my best customer for a long time.
44:30What makes you think he has it?
44:31One night, he was tweaked out of his gourd, and he told me he has some, and I believe him.
44:34Where is he?
44:35Me and Bombside are so cool.
44:36Why don't we all just hang out for a sec, and I'll call him.
44:38He'll fly right over.
44:47Let's get this up in Bogota, where you're taking the best.
44:49I mean, for the soldier boy?
44:51Nothing but the best.
44:58Oh, no.
44:59I actually hate weed.
45:00I just pretend to like it for my brand, so I can sell ashtrays to suckers.
45:06Yo, Homelander.
45:08You want to hit this?
45:10It is my life goal to smoke you out, homie.
45:15Don't call me that.
45:18Homelander, it's good to see you again.
45:23Do I know you?
45:24Yeah, we met like six times.
45:27Malchemical.
45:27Make deadly gases.
45:29Did that whole campaign with gas sex.
45:34That's embarrassing.
45:36Homelander's still as weird as he was when I was there.
45:39Well, I wasn't there back then, but yes.
45:41Let's get this one.
45:42One time, at Ledoux, Misha Barton wanted to suck him off, right?
45:45He spent two hours talking to her about Niji, then left when she stepped on his cape.
45:49Oh, that fucking cape.
45:51Like a baby with a blanket.
45:52Pretty sure he jerks off into it.
45:54Probably why it's so stiff.
45:55Say that again.
45:59Oh, can't you take a fucking joke?
46:04Say it again.
46:07If not as much.
46:08If Mom's eye's not coming, I'm leaving.
46:10He's on his way.
46:10Be here any minute.
46:11I swear.
46:15No, I'm done.
46:18Oh, shit.
46:19By the way, wait.
46:21I heard you all.
46:22And I want you all to know that very soon, gentlemen, you are going to pay for your sick
46:27posts and your hateful memes.
46:30Especially the memes.
46:34No, no, no, no.
46:35It was Camille and Seth's idea.
46:36What?
46:37Fuck you, Forte.
46:37He was fucking his idea, man.
46:39If he is just sucking your dick so you can help his shitty fucking career.
46:42Take him, okay?
46:43Shit, I'll take him out for you right now.
46:44Oh, really?
46:44Yeah.
46:44You want to take me, bitch?
46:45I'm fucking yoked.
46:46Really?
46:47Okay.
46:47Forte.
46:47You're making this work.
46:48Everybody stop.
46:50He really should have dealt Michael Cera.
46:54I'll let her.
46:56Sorry, quick question.
46:57What?
46:58Oh, for fuck's sake.
47:05Who's memorable now?
47:06What the fuck?
47:07Easy, easy, easy.
47:08Can we fuck off, please?
47:09Shut up, MacGruber.
47:10Everything's cool.
47:11Hey, man.
47:11We don't have a problem with you.
47:12Honest.
47:12But, but, but, but, fuck this fucking guy.
47:14You know, he fucked my life.
47:16If you help us get rid of him, then we all win.
47:18And you, you can have the seven.
47:20And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever.
47:23I don't need to kill him to get the seven.
47:24No, yeah, of course not.
47:25But what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church?
47:27I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool.
47:29All the hookers, the drug dealers.
47:31They want to ban porn.
47:32I mean, they want to ban fucking abortions.
47:34Okay, well, banning abortion wouldn't be a big problem for me personally.
47:37Exactly, for all of us.
47:38So if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos.
47:44You know, we can go back to fucking and being fucking awesome.
47:47Look, we know you've got that fucked up chest blast thing.
47:50I mean, I was at Hero Gas and I saw it.
47:52Okay, just finish him now.
47:53Take away his powers so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.
48:03He is a fucking asexual weirdo.
48:05Yeah, yeah.
48:07But as much as it pains me to say this,
48:10he's my fucking asexual weirdo.
48:16Nobody fucks my son but me.
48:17What?
48:18That came out wrong.
48:21Ow!
48:27Ow!
48:30Oh, fuck!
48:34Oh, fuck!
48:35Oh, fuck!
48:57I'm gonna get you out of here what you need to do exactly as I say.
49:06Don't, don't.
49:11Fuck!
49:21No!
49:22No!
49:23No!
49:29What's she doing, baby?
49:31Seth!
49:33Fuck!
49:34Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
49:35This isn't bad.
49:36Well, uh...
49:38I didn't mean to.
49:39I wouldn't...
49:41It's gonna be okay.
49:42I'll remember you every time I watch an American pickle.
49:46What?
49:47Fuck!
49:49Fuck!
49:50Fuck!
49:54Fuck!
49:55Fuck!
49:56Fuck!
49:57Fuck!
49:58Fuck!
49:59Fuck!
49:59Fuck!
50:23Fuck!
50:24Fuck!
50:25Fuck!
50:26Does Bob-Site really have it?
50:28Fuck you!
50:29I'm gonna rip your balls off and stuff them down your throat.
50:31That'd be like trying to shove two grapefruits through a garden hose.
50:34Does Bob-Site have the V1?
50:39Yes, yes, okay, yes.
50:41That part of his villain's worth a fucking god, man.
50:43He's got it.
50:43Where is he?
50:44I don't know.
50:45Where the fuck is he?
50:45I don't know, I haven't talked him in like five years, I swear to god.
50:48Please.
51:00What happened?
51:02I took care of it.
51:06Why?
51:08Because fuck them.
51:10That's why.
51:12I don't think this micro prick was lying.
51:14Bob-Site has to be one.
51:16I'm just gonna find him.
51:19Also, um...
51:22I've been fucking firecracker.
51:25But...
51:26Out of respect for you, that's...
51:29That's done.
51:31Plus her pillow talk was...
51:33Needed to be a real drag.
51:36Pillow talk?
52:05Home Lander.
52:09How was LA?
52:12Did you catch Annette's truth bone?
52:14I did indeed.
52:16And it was a real barn burner.
52:18Well done.
52:18Thank you, sir.
52:19That means the world.
52:22How's sex with my father?
52:26Is he good at it?
52:28Are you thinking about me?
52:30When you're making love to him?
52:34I never meant to cross a line or offend you.
52:37Oh, no, no, no, no.
52:38Don't fret, little one.
52:39I don't care about the sex.
52:41Really.
52:43I do care about your little chats after sex.
52:46Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I...
52:48You mean...
52:49Your inner turmoil?
52:51When it comes to me and...
52:55Jesus.
52:57Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me?
52:59No, you...
53:00Are my one and only savior.
53:03You say that, but...
53:04Your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird.
53:11You're supposed to worship me.
53:13Love me.
53:15And me alone.
53:17I do.
53:17I believed in you.
53:19Turns out...
53:21You don't believe in me.
53:25I need you to collect your things.
53:28And leave.
53:31But I do believe in you.
53:33I love you.
53:35I'm the only one here who ever has.
53:38I gave you everything.
53:40I gave you my soul.
53:42And everybody else here, they're just...
53:43They're just scared of you.
53:45Or they want something from you.
53:47But I...
53:48Have always loved you...
53:50For you.
53:52Just the strongest...
53:55Smartest...
53:56Best man on earth.
53:58Man.
53:59No, no, no, no, no.
54:00God, no.
54:01Be...
54:02God.
54:03Oh, Lord.
54:04That look you used to get when you'd suck on me.
54:08I felt like Mother Mary herself.
54:10I felt blessed...
54:12To nourish someone as...
54:15Important as you.
54:20But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it?
54:23You cast me out into the cold.
54:26Which was so much worse than ever feeling your warmth in the first place.
54:30So all I have been trying to do...
54:33Is to get you to see me the way that you used to.
54:36Hell, the only reason I was with Soldier Boy was because your...
54:40Reflected light...
54:42Is better than no light at all.
54:45Please, sir.
54:48I love you.
54:49We all need love, don't we?
54:54Even God.
55:14The first time here, when did the together?
55:15And...
55:29He was still asleep and there, he was sitting in front of me.
55:29That's my two really happy story.
55:29I love you.
55:30I love you, sir.
55:31I love you.
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