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Hacks S05E04-5 (2026) [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:00And so, without further ado, welcome to the stage, you know her, she pays you, Debra Vance!
00:12Thank you, thank you.
00:16So, I know you haven't seen me in a while.
00:18When Hollywood wants to get rid of a woman, they just say she was difficult.
00:21But a man gets away with having sex with his stepdaughter because, well, that's just his process.
00:26Am I right, y'all?
00:30The reports of my death were fake news.
00:34As was Us Weekly every time they published, I didn't wear it better, y'all.
00:38Y'all again. What is that?
00:43Sorry.
00:45Let's get to the Persecution Pyramid!
00:51Every woman who has ever done something brave or unexpected is either called crazy, shot in the face, or even
00:56worse,
00:58thwarted!
00:58By a contract she didn't read closely, you know.
01:01Aha!
01:03Oh, I'm so sorry.
01:04Hey, you.
01:05Yeah, I'm just in the meeting.
01:07Alright, let's take a break.
01:11So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink the Persecution Pyramid and also the, um, just all of it, I think?
01:16No, it's the crowd. I mean, they work for me. I paid people to be here. It's a completely different
01:21dynamic than at a comedy club.
01:22Besides, Josefina's in a mood because I don't like her no water filter.
01:25Totally. I think maybe we want to focus on, like, what's been funny about the past few years, and then
01:30we can sort of work in the systematic oppression of it all, if we must.
01:34I'm going to get to the funny, but if comedy says something, it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
01:38I mean, you're the one who always says that it doesn't have to be a laugh a minute.
01:40No, I know, but it's kind of a Smith College commencement address at the moment.
01:44So sorry about that. That was the Paley Center. Unfortunately, they're not willing to move the Who's Making Dinner event.
01:49Do they know that I won't be able to speak at it because of the gag order?
01:53Yes, but they're adamant that the anniversary event should take place on the anniversary night, you know, nine months later.
01:58Oh. People are so dramatic about time. Why can't they just be more flexible about dates? You know, like I
02:03am, about my birthday.
02:04Not everybody is as easy to work with as you are. But look, they still want you to attend, you
02:07know, and pose for some photos.
02:08And I can circle back with your lawyer. Maybe you learning sign language is a fun loophole.
02:12Oh! Oh, I know, a little. Oh.
02:15Hey. Okay. I'm sorry.
02:17I think she's hangry. Always. She doesn't eat.
02:22But you, I have really good news for her. Oh.
02:24So, remember Jessica Duncan, the exec who made my bad?
02:26Yeah?
02:27Well, she got a huge new job. And guess what?
02:29What?
02:30She loved your script.
02:31You know what? She is one of the good ones. I have always liked her.
02:34Well, she wants to sit down with you.
02:36And I'm going to schedule a meeting when you're in town for the Who's Making Dinner event.
02:38Oh, my God. You are the best in the biz.
02:39I'm flailing, but thank you.
02:41This thing on?
02:42Because I got a couple things to get off my chest, too.
02:44First up, these Russians, and I'm not talking about the dolls!
02:49Make my lips bigger.
02:51Bigger.
02:54Whoa.
02:54We have any yard sale?
02:55Oh, the Paley Center wants some memorabilia and photos for the Who's Making Dinner exhibition.
02:59How's this?
03:01That's good.
03:01I've got to give Frank some dark circles and a big fat double chin.
03:05Cloning now.
03:06What are you doing?
03:07We're...
03:08What did you call it?
03:09We're yassifying Debra.
03:11And we're de-yassifying Frank.
03:12I mean, if I can't speak at the event honoring my show, the least I can do is make my
03:17nasty, bastard-ass, cheating ex-husband look like shit.
03:20Not sure a media preservation nonprofit's gonna love that.
03:23I'm just giving them options.
03:26Apparently, Kathy already sent some photos over.
03:28She's not gonna be there.
03:29Thank God.
03:31Is this the original pilot script?
03:34Yeah.
03:36I'm sorry.
03:37How the hell did he get sole creator credit?
03:40We wrote the pilot together and then he said,
03:43Oh, Deb, I'm just gonna put my name on this first one and then you can put yours on the
03:48second one.
03:49I was so naive, I didn't know that whoever writes the first episode from then on is considered the creator.
03:55Right.
03:56He said it was an innocent mistake, but he knew what he was doing.
03:59He never wanted me to get any credit.
04:02Now I have another bastard trying to erase me.
04:05That's why my MSG show has to be historic.
04:08Has to be record breaking.
04:10How's this?
04:12Before and after.
04:14Amazing.
04:15That is exactly how I remember it.
04:16Wow.
04:17Oh, you think that's good?
04:18Wait till you see what she did to my grandson.
04:19Ha.
04:21No.
04:21Isn't he adorable?
04:22You guys can't Photoshop a baby.
04:24Yes, you can.
04:25Oh, my God.
04:26Did you snatch his waist?
04:28Oh, yes.
04:28He's so fit.
04:37I just have to say, I am so proud of the work we did together on Deborah's special.
04:44I was so pissed when I saw that they took it down.
04:47I was motherfuckers.
04:48No, we, yeah, we were devastated.
04:50And what Bob Lipka did to my girl Deborah?
04:53I mean, that is bullshit.
04:55Oh, completely agree.
04:56Guillotine.
04:56Thank fucking.
04:58I don't work there anymore.
04:59Mm-hmm.
05:00Oh, okay.
05:01All right.
05:01Vibe shift.
05:02Yes.
05:03Mall girl.
05:04Yeah.
05:05You know, Jimmy said that I would like her script.
05:07I didn't.
05:09I LOVED IT!
05:13That is so nice.
05:14A modern-day retelling of The Wizard of Oz set in a 90s mall literally written for me.
05:21It's so smart.
05:26You know, see, I loved when the girl gets her ears pierced and it gets infected and then
05:30the Hot Topic Goths have to take her to the hospital.
05:33My heart broke for her.
05:36Oh, that is, that's really nice to hear.
05:38Yeah.
05:38No, it's so nuanced.
05:40It's so specific.
05:43It's so original.
05:44So obviously we can never make it.
05:47Oh.
05:48Yeah.
05:49But what else you got?
05:51Uh, that was all that I, I was kinda doing at the, at the mom.
05:55At the mom mall.
05:56Well, I really want your next TV show.
05:59So here's what I'm gonna do.
06:00Sight unseen, whatever you got, I will buy a cash advance blind script deal.
06:04Oh my god.
06:04Really?
06:05Yeah.
06:06Could, I mean, could Mall Girl be a series?
06:09No.
06:10No.
06:10So something you're more passionate about, right, but also hits the Young demo?
06:14Okay.
06:14Diverse, of course.
06:16Queer.
06:16Queer counts.
06:18Yes.
06:18I see a girl.
06:19Agilbizzi AIQ+.
06:20Not too political.
06:22Not too poor.
06:23Hard, funny.
06:24Okay.
06:25But passion first.
06:26Well, I mean, look, it's, I think for me, finding an idea that I'm immediately passionate
06:31about.
06:31Right, right.
06:32Easy as pot.
06:33Yeah.
06:33But no limited series.
06:34Yeah.
06:35Limited series, bad.
06:36Yes.
06:36Bad.
06:37Bad.
06:38Bad.
06:39Yeah.
06:39That should be easy.
06:45Just because I am not the prettiest girl you ever did see.
06:53And even if I don't have such a wonderful personality.
07:00So she didn't start as a stand up?
07:02No.
07:02She starred in the show with her husband and, you know, she got famous from the sitcom.
07:05Yeah.
07:05I mean, I think she's cute there, but I also think she's hotter now.
07:08I like a one with a little patina on them, eh?
07:10Oh, yeah.
07:11Jimmy.
07:12Beth.
07:13Oh, hi.
07:14Hi.
07:14It's so nice to finally meet you in person.
07:16Wow.
07:18Um, this is Kayla and Randy.
07:20Hi.
07:21Welcome to Paley Fest.
07:22Thanks for having us.
07:23Yeah.
07:23I had my bat mitzvah here.
07:24I'm not Jewish, but the theme was on affairs.
07:27Yeah, it was a great bat mitzvah.
07:28Anyway, thank you again for all your help.
07:29I know there was a lot of back and forth with all the Deborah stuff.
07:32It is literally my pleasure, and I actually remembered that you are a coffee snob.
07:36Guilty.
07:37So I just got you a cold brew.
07:38That is so nice.
07:40Well, cold brew is like sex, even when it's bad.
07:44I'm grateful.
07:45Whoa.
07:46So true.
07:47Um, mm-hmm.
07:48Yeah.
07:49No, but seriously, the coffee here is just dog shit.
07:51But welcome to the nonprofit world.
07:53You know what I mean?
07:53I'm like, take me with you, please.
07:56Wish we could, you know?
07:57We are downsizing.
07:59God, stop.
08:00I'm talking to someone.
08:01I have to take this, but I will find you in a little bit.
08:04Okay, cool.
08:05Bye.
08:05Thank you again.
08:07Cheers.
08:10Wow.
08:11What the hell is going on?
08:13What?
08:13You're being sexual at work.
08:16You're never like that.
08:17I mean, it was like watching two jail rats ratting up the bathroom.
08:19What are you talking about?
08:20You were laughing at her voices.
08:23What?
08:24We were just being-
08:25That wasn't even the best voice.
08:26I mean, it was kind of funny, but not anything like my Jamaican accent.
08:28We retired your Jamaican accent after what happened with that waiter.
08:31And I was just being nice.
08:32We've been emailing each other for months, you know?
08:33Yeah, emails first base.
08:34I mean, the last person I emailed, we ended up fucking Jimmy.
08:37Oh my God, the HVAC guy?
08:39Ew, no.
08:39The exterminator.
08:40You slept with Adnan?
08:41Yeah.
08:42Whatever.
08:43My emails were strictly professional.
08:44Yeah, I don't know.
08:45I was on those emails, boss, and you were using a lot of exclamation marks.
08:49Which for a man is the equivalent of exposing his genitals.
08:52Whatever.
08:53I was just being friendly.
08:54Oh yeah?
08:55Is it friendly to have your tits out?
08:56Button up, slut.
08:58She wants you to lay that pipe down.
08:59I'm telling you.
09:00You really think so?
09:01I mean, that's flattering.
09:02I never get cruised, but-
09:03She was wearing a wedding ring.
09:05She's married.
09:05Who cares?
09:06You never had sex with a married person?
09:07Not that I know of.
09:08Have you?
09:09Yeah, I just told you.
09:10Adnan.
09:11Who cares?
09:12It's LA.
09:13I mean, 90% of the marriages are open,
09:14and the other 10% heading for a divorce, because they tried being open.
09:17Hm.
09:17Not my fault.
09:18All right.
09:18I think you two are really over-exaggerating.
09:20Okay?
09:21We'll see what happens.
09:23Enjoy your coffee with me on this.
09:25Nice and cute together.
09:27Yeah, so now I just have to come up with the premise for our show.
09:29And you know what's always been interesting to me?
09:31The woman in urgent care who comes in before the doctor.
09:35She's not a nurse, you know?
09:36She's something else.
09:38Like, what if I told her story?
09:40Very compelling.
09:41I know, right?
09:44Oh my god.
09:46Wow.
09:47You know, it's so cool that something you made so long ago is being celebrated like this.
09:52Well, it endured because it was important.
09:54It said something.
09:55That's what I've been saying.
09:55I want my MSG show to do.
09:57Totally, totally, totally.
10:06The oven line?
10:07That was so good.
10:08I liked it.
10:09Yeah, you wrote it too, right?
10:10Did I write that one?
10:11No, you did.
10:13Oh yeah, I did.
10:14Okay.
10:15Check out this hottie.
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:20Gino.
10:21He was wonderful.
10:23He died of AIDS.
10:24He was so young.
10:25Can you imagine being me in this situation?
10:27I point to a photo of a Hawkeye and you're like, he died of AIDS?
10:30Just lie to me, you maniac.
10:32But I'm sorry for your loss.
10:35Yeah, stop.
10:42He's lucky he's dead or there'd be a bullet with his name on it.
10:45Uh-huh.
10:50Where are you going?
10:51To find a martini with my name on it.
10:57Why Dentist is such a pervert?
10:59And she's a girl.
11:00Oh.
11:04Shit.
11:05I think you guys are right.
11:06I think that she might be interested.
11:08I feel bad for you.
11:09You're basically bragging.
11:10No, I'm not bragging.
11:11Okay, she's coming.
11:12She's coming.
11:13Showtime.
11:15She's here.
11:17Hey.
11:17Hello, Beth.
11:19I reserved a seat for you up front.
11:20Next to me.
11:22Oh, wow.
11:23Thank you so much.
11:24But you know what?
11:24I think I'm just gonna do my own thing and bop around.
11:27During the screening?
11:28Mm-hmm.
11:29Because it'll be dark.
11:30So you're gonna have to climb over the people sitting down.
11:34He gets restless leg syndrome in the middle of the day.
11:36Yeah, yeah.
11:36I think it's good to just keep it moving.
11:38You know?
11:38Get my steps in.
11:39Get the circulation going.
11:41Sorry.
11:41Oh, don't step on that.
11:42Sorry.
11:43Oh, oh, oh.
11:44Jesus.
11:44Oh, my God.
11:45I'm so sorry.
11:47She ran right into me.
11:48She came out of nowhere.
11:48Can people just give her some space?
11:50Jesus.
11:51Give her a little bit of space.
11:52Are you seeing this?
11:53Jimmy, are you there?
11:54Can you hold my hand?
11:55Wait, what?
11:56Look, she's fine.
11:57She's fine.
11:58Oh.
12:00Perfect.
12:00Kettle one martini.
12:01Tualos.
12:02Little dirty.
12:04Hi, Deborah.
12:25Eddie fucking Bean is here.
12:27Yeah.
12:27He's like my favorite director from when I was a kid.
12:30This is a little before your time, no?
12:32No.
12:32What are you talking about?
12:33I grew up on Nick at Night.
12:34Bewitched was the closest thing we had to drag race back then.
12:37Well, I'll introduce you.
12:38He's a doll.
12:39Eddie.
12:40Eddie.
12:41Excuse me.
12:41Wow.
12:42Debbie, wow.
12:42I didn't know you were going to be here.
12:43Of course.
12:44Don't miss it.
12:45Hi.
12:46So glad to see you.
12:47Hi.
12:49How's it going?
12:50I'm such a huge fan.
12:51My Tinder bio used to be your quote about the power of story.
12:54I didn't meet my soulmate, but a bunch of people did ask me to read their scripts and
12:57that's something.
12:58Sure.
12:59Eddie directed the pilot of Who's Making Dinner.
13:01God, I've watched my whole career.
13:03So basically, you owe me 10% of everything you've got.
13:05Yeah.
13:05Oh, Deb.
13:07Glad to see you still have your sense of humor.
13:09I'm just glad to see you're out.
13:12I heard about the breakdown.
13:15I have a friend who has the mental troubles.
13:18It's rough stuff.
13:20Thank you, Eddie.
13:21It means a lot.
13:22Oh, did you hear?
13:23They're going to show some new footage of Frank tonight.
13:26Excuse me?
13:26Yeah, an unaired interview.
13:31I'm so glad Frank's being allowed to speak.
13:33Wish I could say the same for Joan of Arc.
13:35She's doing a lot of research on Joan of Arc right now for comedy.
13:41Hmm.
13:43Funny.
13:44Odd, Deb.
13:46Take care.
13:50I always hated that guy.
13:52Yeah.
13:52He thinks I have mental problems.
13:53He is clearly in cognitive decline.
13:56Yeah.
13:56And his prostate's probably the size of a cantaloupe.
13:59Deborah, can we get some photos with you?
14:01Absolutely.
14:01Great.
14:02Right this way?
14:04Of pastry?
14:05Oh, no, thank you.
14:06I've been pretty weird with Derry ever since this guy I dated sawed me in half.
14:11Hey, can I ask you something?
14:13Would you watch a show about Gator Waiters?
14:15And maybe every episode takes place at a different event?
14:18Like Party Down.
14:19Really great show.
14:20Great.
14:22Ideas.
14:23Ideas.
14:23Something in a dome?
14:25Shit.
14:25Under the dome.
14:26Everything's been done.
14:27Every single thing.
14:28Can you take a picture of someone for me?
14:30Oh, sure.
14:30Jimmy.
14:31Oh, hi.
14:32Hi.
14:32Can I get a photo of YouTube?
14:34Yeah, sure.
14:38Yeah.
14:38Oh my god, I cannot wait to get home and rip off this microthong.
14:41If it's still there, my fat ass is eating it up.
14:44Okay, Beth.
14:46I think I need to clear the air, alright?
14:47I've clearly misled you, and we need to keep things professional.
14:49Because I'm just not in a place of relationship right now.
14:52I'm married.
14:53So.
14:54I know, and I can't do the open thing, alright?
14:56It's just not for me.
14:56I'm not stigmatizing it, it's just...
14:57I wouldn't be a good third, you know?
14:59My needs are too big.
15:00Yeah, I'm not open, and I'm not interested in you like that.
15:04So.
15:05Oh.
15:06Well.
15:07Well, good.
15:07I mean...
15:08Or, I guess not good, but I just...
15:10Oh my god, this is a little bit inappropriate.
15:12I'm like...
15:12Oh, I'm sorry.
15:13I just was picking up a vibe.
15:14You know, you're being, like, incredibly nice, and...
15:16It's kind of my job to be incredibly nice, you know?
15:20Well, sure, but your job is really to coordinate events that preserve television history, right?
15:24You don't have to be that nice.
15:24You can just be cordial, or you can be rude even, you know?
15:27We'll certainly keep that in mind moving forward.
15:30Not a problem.
15:31Okay, great.
15:32Well, I'm glad we talked.
15:33Me too.
15:35And, um...
15:35Yeah, if you need any coffee, just help yourself to the crap over there.
15:38I'm not sure if it's been sitting all day, but...
15:40No, Beth, don't...
15:41Don't do that.
15:42Beth!
15:45Not into you, boss.
15:46Yeah, I think so.
15:46I know that.
15:47You told me she was into me.
15:48You two were both like, she's drooling, boss, you said?
15:51We were sniffing each other like rats.
15:52What is this compulsive need for honesty?
15:55I didn't think you were going to say anything.
15:56That was so weird.
15:57Oh, my God!
15:58Oh, my God!
16:16Thank you so much.
16:17Wow.
16:17Thank you to the network, everyone who supported the show and gave us a chance.
16:21Thank you to Deborah Vance.
16:22Deborah, I love you.
16:23Thank you to my entire team at William & Morris, Sheila.
16:27Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
16:29Welcome.
16:30We are so proud to be celebrating the 50th anniversary of the groundbreaking sitcom,
16:35Who's Making Dinner?
16:39We are so lucky to have so many writers and cast here today,
16:43especially the incomparable Deborah Vance.
16:52Hope you're all enjoying the exhibition.
16:54I want to take a moment to thank our partner brands.
16:56The arts would be nothing without you.
16:58Okay, before we get to our screening, we have a special announcement.
17:03As of today, stage 15 on the Warner Brothers lot,
17:07where every episode of Who's Making Dinner was filmed in front of a live audience,
17:12in addition to the many iconic game shows that Frank went on to produce,
17:15will be officially renamed the Frank Vance Stage.
17:23Frank Vance will forever be enshrined in Hollywood history.
17:27Well, please enjoy more Past Taps courtesy of TJ Maxx and Duolingo,
17:31and we will see you shortly in the theater.
17:33I cannot believe this.
17:35He's upstaging me even from beyond the grave.
17:38I don't think he's upstaging you.
17:39They are literally putting him up on a stage.
17:43Here.
17:47Hey.
17:49I want to introduce the screening.
17:50If Frank's allowed to speak, then I want to speak too.
17:52I get that, but you definitely can't.
17:54They're live streaming it.
17:55Then get them to turn off the stream.
17:57I thought you said you had a contact here.
18:01If the people aren't on the right marks, then we're fucked.
18:03So if you could just make sure that doesn't happen, that would be wonderful.
18:05Thank you, Beth.
18:08Hello.
18:09Hmm.
18:10Okay.
18:10Um, you mind if I ask you a really quick favor?
18:12Well, I wouldn't want to give you the wrong impression, right?
18:14And do any special favors for you?
18:16And I appreciate that.
18:17I respect that.
18:18It's actually, you know what?
18:19It's not for me.
18:19It's for Debra Vance.
18:21Debra would like to speak, introduce the screening, and she's legally prohibited from doing that.
18:24So if you could just turn off the live stream camera just briefly, just while she's up there.
18:28Mmm.
18:29Can't do that.
18:29Please, please.
18:30I am begging you.
18:32The answer's no.
18:33See?
18:33This is why I don't get into romantic relationships with work colleagues.
18:36We were not in a romantic relationship.
18:38Beth, I don't have time to get into our history and relitigate this.
18:40Alright?
18:40We both know what happened.
18:41Can you just please do it?
18:43No.
18:45Fuck.
18:48You know what?
18:50When you were dating Jimmy, I really thought we could be friends.
18:53But now I know, you're just another selfish blonde, aren't you?
18:56You're a bitch.
18:59Jimmy!
19:02Stop.
19:02Stop looking at that.
19:03I know I'm not on the list.
19:04I'm just gonna speak for a second, it's okay?
19:05It's okay, tell Debra Vance that it was okay.
19:08Debra, wait, wait.
19:09I tried, but they won't turn the cameras off.
19:11I'm sorry.
19:12Look, even if I look because people don't see it, as we've experienced, someone could just leak it anyway.
19:16I really don't think you should do this.
19:17I'm not just doing this for me.
19:19I'm doing this for all women who've been silenced.
19:25How?
19:26Thank you, thank you all so much for coming tonight.
19:29You know, we may not have figured out who's making dinner, but we figured out who's getting all the credit.
19:33Frank Vance.
19:36Oh, no, I know, that's not fair.
19:38What is going on?
19:38I tried to stop it, but I couldn't.
19:41Frank gave me a lot of credit.
19:42In fact, he gave me solo credit for that house fire.
19:45You remember that one, y'all?
19:47Y'all's back.
19:49The only woman who knows fire better than I do is my sister in the struggle, Joan of Arc.
19:53I was told not to speak tonight, but at least Joan got to scream when she was burned at the
19:57stake.
19:59Lucky bitch.
20:03Did I ever mention that Frank's family had slaves?
20:09Nasty stuff.
20:13Okay, let's roll that clip.
20:23Deborah, stop sulking.
20:25They won't let you get a credit card.
20:26You can just use mine.
20:27No, I'm going to tell them I'm...
20:32Mr. Danny Vanceatore.
20:36Well, that's funny.
20:37I always thought I'd be the one who's water broke.
20:39Deborah, why are you dressed like a man?
20:41Well, if the bank won't let a woman open a credit card because it doesn't see me as a full
20:44person.
20:45You're going to force them?
20:46How about that?
20:47Not even five minutes being a man, and already I'm forcing people against their will.
20:51Hmm.
20:52The episode said that you need four roommates to afford this house.
20:54Yeah.
20:55You remember roommates?
20:56No, I actually have roommates.
20:58I have to live alone because I have bathroom stuff.
20:59Let me try this out.
21:01Is that an idea for a show?
21:03Bathroom stuff? Like someone who lives alone?
21:04No, it's sad.
21:05No.
21:06It's something based on this where, like...
21:08I don't know, where, like, their grandkid inherits this house and then has a bunch of roommates.
21:13It's about, like, chosen family, that sort of thing.
21:16You know, reboots are really sellable.
21:18Existing IP is very, very good.
21:19They could actually be about something, you know?
21:21They could be grappling with the fact that, like, our generation is, like, never going to find the success that
21:25our parents found.
21:26Like, what does that success mean?
21:27And, like, how do we redefine it?
21:28You know what I mean?
21:29Like, community building.
21:30Like, downward mobility.
21:31Yeah, but funny.
21:33Yeah.
21:33I think that's really good.
21:34I think if you can do a reboot that's about something, that could be excellent.
21:37You should definitely flesh it out and pitch it to Jessica.
21:40Deborah doesn't have the rights, though.
21:42That's okay.
21:42I'll look into it.
21:44Okay.
21:44Okay.
21:45I like that.
21:46I think it's good.
21:47So, do you need something, Gina, or...?
21:49I got myself in a mess.
21:50Oh, okay.
21:54Frank, thank you so much for sitting with us.
22:05Well, you know, we weren't trying to be groundbreaking.
22:09We were making a show about our relationship.
22:14And the only reason people even paid attention to it was because it was funny.
22:20And you two had never worked in TV before.
22:22So, how did you know that what you were making was funny?
22:26Because of Deborah.
22:29Deborah was the funny one.
22:34She was always the funniest person in any room.
22:45And as you transitioned into producing game shows, what was your inspiration for...
23:05Hey.
23:08You okay?
23:11No.
23:13Yeah.
23:14Because he bombed super hard.
23:15It was rough.
23:16No.
23:20That's what Frank said.
23:24But he said you were the funny one.
23:25I feel like that would be nice to hear, no?
23:27It was.
23:29That's the problem.
23:33It's been...
23:34It's been 50 fucking years.
23:37Why do I still need to hear that?
23:41Why should I care about what some kid who I met when I was 18 years old thinks about me?
23:46It's pathetic.
23:49Yeah.
23:50I mean, I get that.
23:54Sometimes there's just one person we want to impress.
24:00Yeah.
24:02I have to ask.
24:05What was the mess that Gina was getting into in that episode?
24:09Is there chaos?
24:11Did hijinks ensue?
24:12We didn't get to find out.
24:14I'll tell you in the car.
24:24Oh my God.
24:25I always want to be like, you don't have to run.
24:27There's no rush.
24:28I like it when they run.
24:30Deborah Vance.
24:32Yes?
24:33I got a call.
24:34You violated a restraining order tonight.
24:35I need you to come with us.
24:37Oh, you got to be kidding me.
24:38Nope.
24:38You're actually going to arrest me?
24:39Yep.
24:40I'm sorry.
24:41She wasn't even funny tonight.
24:42That was barely even comedy.
24:44Let's go.
24:45No.
24:45Yes.
24:46No.
24:46Do you know where I keep my bail cash?
24:49Yeah, in Vegas.
24:49It's underneath the bathroom sink.
24:51But where is it in LA?
24:52Deborah, where is it in LA?
24:54Hey!
24:54Call Josefina!
24:56Watch the hair!
24:58What?
24:59Fuck!
24:59Shit!
25:01Yo!
25:02Marilyn!
25:03Pick up the paint!
25:11What are you in for?
25:14Stand-up comedy.
25:16You?
25:18Shoplifting from Macy's.
25:20Oh.
25:21That's really wrong.
25:22If you're going to shoplift, make a name in Marcus.
25:30What are you in for?
25:33I got a DUI.
25:35I got a DUI.
25:35Oh, honey.
25:36I'm going to get you an Uber account.
25:38At least a pair of rollerblades.
25:40Jesus.
25:43You know, it's not my first time in jail.
25:45I mean, I was in an actor jail once.
25:47I did a Lifetime movie called A Prayer for Mommy's Slippers.
25:51I was guilty for not running when I heard the title.
26:01Hi.
26:01I'm here for Dever Vance.
26:04Is that enough?
26:06That's right.
26:07That's right.
26:07I've been cuffed before.
26:08They usually involve some boundaries and a safe word.
26:12Oh, she now is so afraid.
26:15Dever Vance.
26:17Made bail.
26:17Ah!
26:18That's my time!
26:22Oh, hey, can I bail out my friends here?
26:24You got the cash.
26:26Alright, what do you need?
26:27500 for me!
26:278,000!
26:2820,000!
26:29Damn, what did you do?
26:31I punched a police horse.
26:33Oh, Jesus.
26:33Come on, let's go!
26:38So how was it in there?
26:39Was it bad?
26:39It was amazing.
26:43Really?
26:43Frank was right.
26:45The only reason that people paid attention to Who's My Container is because it was funny.
26:49But that's what I need to be focusing on with my garden show.
26:52It doesn't need to be important.
26:54It just...
26:55It just needs to be funny.
26:56Yeah.
26:57I mean, I feel like I said that, but then a man said it louder, but it's okay.
27:02I'll just repress it and make me funnier in the long run.
27:04I'm sorry.
27:05I didn't listen.
27:06I have just been consumed by my anger.
27:10I didn't see the forest for the trees.
27:12I mean, what people are going to remember is if I made them laugh.
27:16Yes!
27:17Exactly what I was saying.
27:18Love.
27:18Yeah.
27:19Great.
27:20Hey, who's hungry?
27:23Okay, let's go to Norm's.
27:25I want to try out more material.
27:26Okay.
27:27That's a good idea, eh?
27:28Yeah, it's been a real pleasure sharing an open toilet with you ladies.
27:32But, Bethany, I'm a little concerned about the color of your peep.
27:35I know.
27:36God!
27:42Look at that speed.
27:44Damien.
27:45He's clocking at nine miles per hour.
27:48Ooh.
27:49Let's get his info.
27:50The Harris team is looking good.
27:51They were the laughing stock of the hospitality Olympics last year, but they've really turned
27:55things around.
27:56They've got a strong anchor.
27:57Eh.
27:58She's quick, but I worry about precision.
28:01We're only staffing the best of the best at the diva.
28:03Ooh.
28:03Is that what you're calling the casino?
28:05Mm-hmm.
28:06The diva.
28:07I like that.
28:08Diva.
28:11Ooh.
28:12Look at that little one.
28:13He lets the sock of the vacuum pull him.
28:16He'll be less prone to injury.
28:18Smart.
28:23Oh, God.
28:25He's gone.
28:25I like his passion.
28:26No.
28:27Can't do it.
28:28Horrible at trivia.
28:29Call it.
28:29Call it, Ray.
28:30Jeff!
28:31Who do you think you are?
28:32I am!
28:33I am Ray, motherfuckers!
28:36We did good.
28:37Come on, let's go.
28:38You need to be perfect.
28:38Work for this.
28:39Work for this.
28:40This is where a hotel succeeds or fails.
28:42A well-made bed.
28:43That's almost all there is.
28:44Look at him in the vest.
28:46I like the way he handles a top sheet.
28:49Go, Sophie!
28:49Go!
28:50I did not want to bring you tonight.
28:51Prove me wrong.
28:52He's a surgeon.
28:53Quick, but measured.
28:55Efficient, but not careless.
28:57Fold that top!
28:58Hospital quarters!
28:59We went over there, Sophie!
29:01Jesus Christ!
29:02Check!
29:03Check!
29:06Oh, yes!
29:19Good girl!
29:19See, I'm on your side, girl.
29:22You and I must go fish.
29:24Mom!
29:25Mom!
29:25Hi, guys.
29:26Mom, I need you.
29:27Oh, no.
29:28Honey, is Aiden leaving you?
29:30This is what men do.
29:31They leave.
29:32Okay, you gotta make sure that all the vehicles are in your name.
29:34No.
29:35Are they?
29:35No, no, no, no.
29:36Are they?
29:36Mom!
29:37They're finally doing Celebrity Amazing Race!
29:41Oh.
29:42Remember, you said that you would go on it with me if they ever made it.
29:44Oh.
29:45Oh, yeah.
29:46No, DJ, you know that I gagged.
29:47I can't do any TV, no performing for months.
29:50Nice try.
29:51I called your lawyer.
29:52You called Stuart?
29:53Well, that's what you get for suing me for criminal negligence for breaking Grandma's teapot,
29:56okay?
29:56Stuart and I have developed a lovely working relationship, and he says you're in the clear
30:00as long as this season airs after the non-compete expires, and it does, so suck it!
30:05No.
30:05You are not allowed to do a reality show.
30:07That has always been our rule.
30:08Mom!
30:09This is really important to me, okay?
30:10You know it's important to me.
30:13Amazing Race got me sober.
30:15Excuse me, I think $400,000 worth of rehab got you sober.
30:18Nope.
30:19That failed.
30:20Episodes of The Amazing Race got me through some really dark times, okay?
30:23Phil Kogan is my higher power, and you promised me that if I got sober, we would go on together.
30:28Okay.
30:28Okay.
30:29You're right.
30:30I'll think about it.
30:30Yeah, think about it, but I need an answer by 5 o'clock, okay?
30:33Plus, if we win, we get a million dollars, which covers my allowance for the year.
30:36Well, honey, I think all that money goes to charity.
30:39Oh, fuck!
30:40Really?
30:41That's so stupid.
30:42You know what?
30:42I'm sure there's a workaround.
30:43I still want to do it.
30:44I'm going to go practice driving on the wrong side of the road.
30:47I'm impressed.
30:48Yeah.
30:49Look, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to go on a reality show.
30:52I mean, there'll be a big announcement revealing the cast, and you can get them to plug MSG in the
30:55press release.
30:56You know, she's right.
30:57Reality shows do give celebrities fresh relevance.
31:00That's true.
31:01The problem with reality shows is you cannot control the narrative.
31:05I mean, that's why I've turned down Andy Cohen more than every twink on Fire Island.
31:08And they can make you look however they want.
31:10I mean, don't worry about me, but they could really make DJ look like a fool.
31:13I mean, she doesn't seem too worried to me.
31:16Yeah.
31:16And having her as my teammate would probably be out on the first leg.
31:20I could be home in a week.
31:22You do need to sell tickets.
31:24Well, I guess it looks like I'm doing the amazing race.
31:27Woo!
31:28Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.
31:30It's going to be great.
31:37Oh, that's bad, too.
31:40Food waste is so depressing.
31:42You know, this is the fourth blackout we've had this year.
31:44It's the sixth.
31:45Two happened during separate 12-hour naps you were taking.
31:48Not sleeps.
31:48Naps.
31:49And you slept those nights, too.
31:51It's even worse.
31:53Thank God I'm such a good napper, I'd be even more stressed out about the climate crisis.
31:56And don't monitor my sleep.
31:58It's private.
31:59But it's fascinating.
32:04Jimbo!
32:05What's up?
32:06Hey, so I just finished lunch with Jessica Duncan and I have great news.
32:09She loves the who's making dinner idea.
32:11She wants to hear it.
32:12Are you serious?
32:13Yeah, she flipped out.
32:15Are you peeing?
32:16What?
32:16Call me back if you're peeing.
32:17I can talk to you in a second.
32:17No, I'm making coffee.
32:20Although, I have peed over on the phone before.
32:22Okay.
32:23Anyway, I want to get you and Debra in a room with her.
32:25Is Debra excited because this could be really big.
32:27Um, I have not yet.
32:29I haven't talked to Debra yet.
32:30Well, you need to ASAP.
32:32Also, I do need to flag one issue with the rights.
32:36Apparently, when Frank died, he left them to Kathy.
32:38Please tell me I mean to Jimmy.
32:40Why would I mean Kathy and Jimmy?
32:41Now, Kathy, her sister, the one who hates her.
32:43I even tried to grease the wheels.
32:44I gave her a call today, but she wanted to get off the phone because she said I was, quote,
32:47an enabler of her abuser.
32:48Who?
32:49Which I think is unfair, but you know what?
32:50We all have our narrative, so whatever.
32:52Whatever to her.
32:53She's a fucking bitch.
32:54Okay.
32:54Well, uh, I'll talk to Debra.
32:57Let me know what our girl says, and if she is not happy, don't tell me.
33:00Just internalize it.
33:04I think you're packing too much stuff.
33:06You really have room for six rolls of toilet paper?
33:08Oh, you can't just downgrade your toilet tissue out of nowhere.
33:11I haven't had time to build up any kind of a tolerance.
33:12It's a shock to the system.
33:14Maybe you can go to the hospital.
33:15Oh, totally.
33:16Um, hey, while I have you, so you know how I have that blind script deal?
33:21Mm-hmm.
33:22Well, um, I figured out what I want to do.
33:25Uh, I want to reboot Who's Making Dinner.
33:28Oh.
33:29Um, yeah, it would take place in the same house, but instead of a young couple,
33:32it would follow some Gen Z friends who have to all live together to afford it.
33:36I could pitch it, and then you could just, like, totally rewrite it if you wanted to.
33:38Like, just whichever version works for you, I feel like, yeah, down with.
33:42But, um, I just wanted to run it by you, because...
33:44I really don't want to do a reboot of Who's Making Dinner.
33:47Oh.
33:48Okay.
33:49But you should.
33:51No, no, no, no.
33:52I wouldn't want to do it without you.
33:54No, no, no.
33:55I'm moving forward with the garden, but I give you my blessing.
34:00Are you sure?
34:01I mean, I know it's, like, triggering for you when people rewrite your story.
34:06Well, I would trust you to do it.
34:10Thanks.
34:12I won't let you down.
34:13I know.
34:15But you know I don't have the rights, so I can't help you with that.
34:19Well, maybe you can.
34:32Look at that headshot.
34:34It's at least 20 years old.
34:36We have two offers already, and two others are writing.
34:40So if you're interested, I suggest you come in aggressively.
34:42Okay, great.
34:43Thanks.
34:46What the hell are you doing here?
34:48Nice bounce, Kathy.
34:49Not you.
34:50The house.
34:51How did you find me?
34:52Do you still have that PI following me?
34:54PI?
34:55What PI?
34:57He died.
34:59Is there somewhere we can sit?
35:00If we must.
35:05I was surprised you weren't at the christening.
35:07What?
35:07We both were.
35:09I'm AJ's godmother.
35:11I am AJ's godmother.
35:12Oh, God.
35:13DJ must have had two christenings.
35:15You want to alternate months?
35:19So, um, listen.
35:20I know why you're here.
35:21I talked to Jimmy against the advice of my healer.
35:25Debra, you are not getting the rights to that show.
35:27The thing is, they're not for Debra, they're for me.
35:29Ah, sure.
35:30No, really, they are.
35:31What are you going to do with them?
35:33Nothing.
35:34Well, you didn't know that.
35:35I journal.
35:36So what's your price?
35:37You obviously need the money.
35:38I don't remember you having a passion for selling real estate.
35:41You weren't even good at playing house.
35:42Well, you always made me be the maid.
35:44Well, you were a natural.
35:45I'm surprised you could remember anything at all.
35:48I read that you had a psychotic break live on air.
35:51No surprise there.
35:52Hope you're getting help.
35:53Just like you got help in the 90s with Prozac?
35:56How did you-
35:56I had DJ go through your trash like a good little girl.
35:58Okay, my sisters.
36:00Let's turn the volume down.
36:01Kathy, is there anything we could do to change your mind?
36:08Well, there is one thing.
36:10No, no, let's go.
36:12What?
36:12When we're little, our mother had these salt and pepper shakers.
36:15Do not waste your breath.
36:16They were cherubic, porcelain, little blonde girls.
36:19She used to say they looked exactly like us.
36:21We loved them.
36:22That's why we started shaker collections of our own.
36:25Then when mom passed, Deborah stole them from me.
36:27I never stole them.
36:29Mom said she always wanted me to have them.
36:30I'll give you the rights if you give me back the shakers.
36:32Which is never gonna happen.
36:34See?
36:34She's deliberately crushing your dreams.
36:37Sadistic, really.
36:37This woman is sick.
36:39This woman is sick!
36:44Let's leave.
36:45Hey.
36:45That's great.
36:46Don't even think about coming back without those shakers.
36:50Oh.
36:51Windows crowd.
36:52Candles are lit.
36:53There's them all.
36:53Run.
36:54Run.
36:58Hello.
37:00I'm sorry.
37:03I would pay anything.
37:04I just can't.
37:05I can't do that.
37:06I get it.
37:07I get it.
37:07It's okay.
37:08Thank you for trying.
37:21Amazing race contestants.
37:22Take your places, please.
37:25Oh, my God.
37:26This is the best day of my life.
37:27Thank you so much for doing this.
37:29Well, you're welcome, sweetie.
37:30Just remember our deal, okay?
37:31You're representing the family.
37:32Yeah.
37:33So, when on camera.
37:34Mm-hmm.
37:34No swearing.
37:35Right.
37:35No unladylike behavior.
37:36Mm-hmm.
37:37No talking back.
37:38Okay, when in doubt, ask yourself WWMD.
37:41What would mommy do?
37:42I know.
37:42Yes, what would mommy do?
37:43I understand.
37:44I didn't.
37:45I talked with.
37:46We said the same thing.
37:47Okay.
37:47Hey, everyone.
37:48Yes!
37:48Fail!
37:49I would officially like to welcome you all to the amazing race.
37:56Now, since this is our first celebrity race, why don't we just talk a little bit about
38:01why you were taking part?
38:03Drew and Jonathan, what inspired you to be here today?
38:06Well, we love to compete.
38:07So, not if, but when we win.
38:10Very confident.
38:11Yeah.
38:11Okay.
38:12We're going to be donating our prize money to the Alzheimer's Association.
38:14We have a family member who died from Alzheimer's.
38:16So, we're going on this journey for the patients and doctors who are running the much harder
38:21race, the one for a cure.
38:22Okay.
38:23That's a great cause.
38:24Great cause.
38:24Yeah.
38:25Yeah.
38:25Now, JR and Richard.
38:28We are playing for the United Negro College Fund.
38:30Right.
38:30We will also support HBCUs throughout the country.
38:32Yeah.
38:33And the million dollars that we are going to win.
38:35Absolutely.
38:35That's just a fraction of the $26 million that the United Negro College Fund donates every
38:40single year to scholarships.
38:41Awesome.
38:41Another great cause.
38:42Wow.
38:43Good.
38:44Now, what about you, Deborah and DJ Vance?
38:47I'm here to promote my comeback show at Madison Square Garden September 11th.
38:54Okay.
38:55How about we get this race started, everybody?
38:57Yeah!
38:59Are you ready for your life-changing adventure?
39:02Yes, we are.
39:03Let's go.
39:04Good luck.
39:05Travel safe.
39:07Let's go!
39:13Oh, this is going to be interesting.
39:21Okay, drive yourselves to LAX and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.
39:28When you land, make your way to Capo Los Molinos.
39:30You have $50 for this light of the race.
39:31Okay, fast, fast, fast!
39:33Mom, this wedding, I already stink.
39:34No, no, no, no!
39:35How did we have talked about a racerback cut on your-
39:37Stop it!
39:38Get in the car!
39:47They'll be expecting us-
39:49Right there!
39:52Your next flight to Oaxaca, Mexico.
39:54Hola!
39:54We went the same flight they're getting!
39:55Yes, yes, please, please.
39:57Hi, Deborah.
39:57I'm like, I love you so much.
39:59I have to say, I went as you for Halloween all of middle school.
40:02Got the fucking shit kicked out of me.
40:03Worth it!
40:04No, I'm obsessed with you.
40:06Jordan just told me you do comedy, too.
40:09You had to tell you that?
40:10Well, now that I know I'm obsessed, we should totally work together.
40:13The blonde comedy girls.
40:15You're a comedian?
40:17Yeah.
40:17Well, I can also talk really, really, really fast.
40:18And what else?
40:19Oh!
40:20I get to ASMR.
40:21Do you feel it?
40:22Do you feel it on the back of your neck?
40:23She's major.
40:24She's a generational talent.
40:25And this is online comedy?
40:27Well, I've also done Broadway and the Hollywood Bowl.
40:29Yeah, she sold out in like, under two seconds.
40:31Yep.
40:32It was super fun.
40:33So, should we make this official?
40:35Alliance?
40:36Allianciana?
40:37Allianciana!
40:38We could call ourselves the funny honeys.
40:40I don't think so, thanks.
40:43Wait, no, Mom.
40:44Mom, no, no.
40:44Alliances are a huge part of the race.
40:46Yeah.
40:47Okay, so listen.
40:48What if there's a puzzle and we can't figure it out?
40:49Don't you want them to give us a hint on their way out?
40:51That happens literally all the time.
40:53Absolutely not.
40:54She says we're both comedians.
40:55How dare she compare herself to me?
40:56Oh, God.
40:57They will get last and we will win this race.
40:59Come on, let's go.
41:03Go, break your push.
41:04Go, break your push.
41:05Get out of my way.
41:06Don't be afraid to shove.
41:08Don't be afraid to shove.
41:10Don't be afraid to shove.
41:10Go, go, go, go.
41:12Go, go, go.
41:13This is not YouTube.
41:14We got it.
41:15We got it.
41:15We got it.
41:16We got it.
41:16Okay, okay.
41:19Jack Rock.
41:20Jack Rock.
41:23Go, go, go.
41:24I got it.
41:25It's good to be.
41:25It's good to be won.
41:27We need to go there.
41:29Are you paying attention?
41:30This is very important.
41:31We are in a race for one million doleros.
41:34RAPIDO!
41:35RAPIDO!
41:52Aw, damn it!
41:53I was hoping they'd be stranded and abducted.
41:55Where are the kidnappers from similar drug cartelianatum?
41:58Oh, it's a roadblock.
41:59That means only one of us can complete the challenge.
42:00Okay, okay, okay, okay.
42:02Who's the big cheese?
42:04This one's addressed to me.
42:05Mom, every single contestant is a celebrity, okay?
42:08What's wrong with your fingers?
42:09Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
42:10Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
42:11Oh, yeah.
42:11I understood every word about it.
42:13Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
42:17Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
42:19Huh?
42:19Okay.
42:20This sounds complex.
42:21I think I should do this one.
42:22No, no, no, no.
42:23I'm gonna do it.
42:24Hopefully, we can complete this quick and catch up to the other teams.
42:26Wait, honey, you're fly away.
42:28Stop!
42:28Okay, all right.
42:29Could you take that again?
42:46What are you doing?
42:47Are you tying it?
42:48Just tie the cheese.
42:52Rich.
42:53That's it, teacher!
42:55I wanted to say before, um, I know you got canceled.
42:58It's an air campaign and everything.
42:59I just want to say, like, from cancel queen to cancel queen, like, it hurts the soul.
43:03Helps the wallet.
43:04Just if I could give you any advice, you know, who am I to say?
43:07I'm, you know, 19.
43:09Okay, baby!
43:11You got this!
43:12Okay.
43:16That's it, girl!
43:17Come on, honey!
43:18No!
43:19No!
43:19No!
43:19Plan every footstep!
43:21But don't hunch!
43:22You're on camera!
43:23Steady!
43:24Steady!
43:25Threshaw!
43:26Where are you?!
43:28Oh, there's it!
43:29You got this, Thresh!
43:32Okay!
43:33Okay!
43:34Okay!
43:34Help!
43:35Oh, my God!
43:42Oh!
43:48Oh, my God!
43:50Oh!
43:50Oh!
43:50Oh!
43:51Oh!
43:51Oh!
43:51Oh!
43:52Oh!
43:52Oh!
43:52Oh!
43:52Oh!
43:55One more thing.
43:56You're gonna have to get back up and grab the cheese and finish the challenge, okay?
43:59Fuck!
44:02She's good!
44:03She's good!
44:04She's good!
44:05She's good!
44:40Oh!
44:41Oh!
44:42Oh!
44:43What are you doing?
44:43Me?
44:44Just me?
44:45Yeah!
44:45Oh!
44:46Nothing!
44:46Or I just came down to get a midnight snack with him by the time I got here I was
44:49not hungry
44:50anymore because the house is so big and it took me so long to get down here.
44:52Totally.
44:53What's up with you?
44:53What are you doing up?
44:54Just walking the dogs.
44:55Okay.
44:56At this hour?
44:57That's curious.
44:58Well, when Debra's out of town they get super anxious and just like shit everywhere.
45:02Oh!
45:02Oh!
45:04Sorry.
45:04I'm so tired.
45:05Oh.
45:07Mmm.
45:07I gotta go to bed.
45:09But, yeah.
45:10It was good to see you.
45:11Goodnight.
45:12I'm gonna go.
45:13This is me.
45:13I'm headed this way.
45:14I know.
45:14Goodnight.
45:15Goodnight, Damien.
45:18Okay.
45:19Okay.
45:21Somebody.
45:21Now I kinda want a snack.
45:23Ah!
45:24Somebody help me right now.
45:28Bad situation, babe.
45:30I'm in a bad chitubation.
45:33Ah!
45:34Ah!
45:35Ah!
45:35God, honey!
45:36Be careful!
45:37Okay!
45:39That's the last clue!
45:40That means we're the last team!
45:41No!
45:41I have to beat that idiot woman.
45:43We can still make up time, okay?
45:44We can make up time, because in this race, the game's not over until you're standing on
45:48that mat and Phil says you're eliminated.
45:50Alright.
45:50It's another roadblock.
45:51Who's got milk?
45:53Okay, now, sweetie, why don't you sit this one out and rest your ankles?
45:55What?
45:55What? No!
45:56Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
45:57We both know you are not gonna be caught dead eating full fat dairy on camera, so I will
46:01be doing it.
46:01Well, that's true, but you didn't do so well on the last roadblock.
46:03I did fine.
46:03Well, this is my dream, alright?
46:05And I said I would be doing the roadblock, so the rules say that I have to do the roadblock.
46:09Okay?
46:09Alright.
46:10Milk a goat.
46:11Milk a goat.
46:11Until you have two quarts, when you think you've completed this task, present your milk
46:14to the goat farmer to receive your next cloak.
46:16No problem.
46:17Okay.
46:18To the right, to the right, to the right.
46:20Okay, there it is, there it is.
46:21You got it, you got it.
46:22Just grab the gayer.
46:26Jesus.
46:27She really is multi-talented.
46:29Aren't these goats so cute?
46:31I'm gonna get like six or seven when I get home.
46:32I don't like them, they're demonic.
46:35Are their eyes so far apart?
46:36I'm done!
46:37Oh, we're done.
46:38Yay!
46:39Good to see you.
46:40Hey!
46:41Hey!
46:41Don't!
46:42Don't!
46:43Hold on!
46:43Hold on!
46:44Hold on!
46:44Get your boobs easy for me!
46:48DJ!
46:48DJ, why don't you watch the nice man?
46:50Do it for a minute before you try.
46:51I don't need to watch the man, okay?
46:52Don't you remember when I had that past life regression therapy and I found out I was
46:55a milkmaid who was secretly a princess?
46:56I got this.
46:57Sure.
46:58You have to hold this.
47:00Okay, well, she's being a bitch.
47:01That's not, that's not my fault.
47:02Pinch the top of the teat, DJ.
47:04The top of the teat!
47:05Hey mom, hey mom!
47:05If you could shut up for a second, that would help.
47:07You're distracting me, okay?
47:08The top of the teat?
47:09What does that mean?
47:09Which end is the top?
47:10Just watch the guy.
47:12Watch the guy and then do it the way he's doing it!
47:15Don't yell at me!
47:15Shut the fuck up!
47:16I need to watch the guy!
47:17Deborah, it's a roadblock.
47:18You cannot help your partner.
47:19I know, Elise!
47:21Gotta relax into it.
47:23Oh!
47:24Huh?
47:25Huh?
47:25You gotta relax into that past life.
47:27Oh my god.
47:38Look at you guys.
47:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
47:43Calm down!
47:44It doesn't work.
47:45But I will hit you with it.
47:46And don't you dare touch anything in this shop, you harlot.
47:50I remember you.
47:51You threatened to smash a limoge vase to strong army into selling to Deborah Vance.
47:55I did.
47:56I did do that.
47:56I was in a desperate situation.
47:58And I am once again in a desperate situation.
48:01But I come in peace.
48:02I need your help.
48:03Just some information.
48:05Ha!
48:06Go straight to hell!
48:07I'd never help you.
48:08Oh.
48:09That's too bad to hear.
48:12Seems like you've got a lot of, um, inventory around here.
48:16And I did happen to notice some items on your website are heavily discounted.
48:21Maybe times are tough?
48:22Whew.
48:24Your generation doesn't understand antiques.
48:26But it'll come around.
48:28It's always cyclical.
48:29Well, if you want to wait for that to happen, be my guest.
48:32But what if I told you that I could take half your inventory right now at market value?
48:36I wouldn't believe you.
48:37You lying piece of shit.
48:39Heh.
48:40That's wise.
48:41I can't.
48:42But I know someone who can.
48:43Marcus!
48:49Sam!
48:50Mr. Vaughn.
48:51You're looking fit.
48:53I'm decorating and furnishing an entire new casino with all vintage pieces.
48:58If you help my friend here, I'm sure we can make a deal.
49:01What's the style?
49:02Art Deco.
49:02Where?
49:03The old paradiso.
49:04Fabulous.
49:05I need someone who can make me an exact replica of these.
49:12Why would you ask an antiques dealer where you could get a fake?
49:17Well, I seem to remember a certain psychotic bitch telling me that you once fooled her
49:24with a counterfeit Georgiou of sconce.
49:26I remember because she called it the worst betrayal of her life.
49:28Mind you, her husband porked her sister.
49:31So I need to know who your forger is, because he's obviously very good.
49:36Well, lucky for you, you're looking at him.
49:42God, I love the style.
49:45Can I use your bathroom?
49:47No.
49:48I don't see anything.
49:50Are you looking?
49:51Of course, of course I'm looking.
49:53I don't know.
49:53I'd still be running here if I saw it.
49:55Don't be sassy.
49:56Wait, sit down there.
49:57Look, look, look.
49:57There it is, Todd.
49:59Finally.
49:59Come on.
50:00Okay, ready?
50:04This will be the one.
50:05This will be the one.
50:05This is it.
50:06Okay, detour.
50:08All right, break or dance.
50:10Great, enter a room filled with 10,000 Mexican ceramics and smash them on the floor until you
50:13find one containing a clue.
50:15Dance.
50:15Put traditional clown makeup on each other, then learn a clowning dance from a demonstration.
50:18Once you successfully complete the dance to your judge's satisfaction, you will receive
50:21your next clue.
50:22Okay.
50:23Okay.
50:23I get what you do, the pottery.
50:25What?
50:25I mean, that's simple.
50:26Something an idiot can do.
50:27Why are you gesturing at me?
50:28I'm not.
50:28I'm gesticulating.
50:29I'm Italian.
50:30You're not Italian.
50:31No.
50:31Mom, that'll take forever.
50:32We are already coming in last.
50:33Oh, we don't.
50:34We've got to make up time.
50:35If we get the clown dance on the first try, we can pass somebody.
50:37Well, we didn't get it on the first try.
50:38Why?
50:38Let's just try.
50:39We're just not.
50:41Look, I'm not going to put on clown makeup and do a silly little dance with you.
50:46I will look stupid.
50:49No, you're worried that I'm going to look stupid.
50:51You think I'm going to embarrass myself, don't you?
50:54Well, yes, I do.
50:54I do.
50:55I don't think you're going to learn a clowning routine, and I don't think that you were
50:58a milkmaid in a past life.
50:59A princess who chose to be a milkmaid.
51:03What about your leg?
51:04You cannot dance with that ankle.
51:05What are you talking about?
51:06I just got that steroid shot from the Mexican street doctor.
51:09My tits itch, but my ankle's feeling great.
51:11Do you want a chance at beating that girl?
51:13Yes.
51:13Do you?
51:14We're not going to do it standing around smashing pottery for hours.
51:16Yeah, well, think about grandma's teapot.
51:18You were pretty good about breaking the-
51:19Shut up about grandma's teapot.
51:23Let's go.
51:30Charlie.
51:30Charlie.
51:31Charlie.
51:34You know how.
51:34Well, I don't know.
51:35Hold on a second.
51:35Gotta be a clown.
51:36How's this?
51:39Finally.
51:40Took us like eight tries, y'all.
51:41It's hard.
51:42Good luck.
51:43Roll down a high.
51:45We're so fun and nice.
51:45Let's go.
51:46That was great.
51:46That was great.
51:47What?
51:47That was so fast.
51:48Come on.
51:49You.
51:50We'll take you.
51:50Just do it.
51:52Oh, God.
51:53This is-
51:53Uno, dos, tres.
51:56One, dos, ocho.
51:58Okay.
51:59We gotta go!
51:59We gotta go!
52:00That was so much fun.
52:01What?
52:02The judges were like getting emotional watching us.
52:04It was really sweet to see you.
52:04All right?
52:06Mom, we gotta go.
52:07We gotta go.
52:07We gotta go.
52:08We don't know the dance.
52:09We just have to try.
52:10We can do it one more time.
52:10Listen to me.
52:11We are in last place.
52:12I know that.
52:13If we can get this on the first try, we have a shot.
52:14Mom, look at me.
52:15Let me try.
52:16Please?
52:17Let's go!
52:17Go!
52:17Go!
52:26Sorry.
52:26I didn't throw it.
52:27I didn't throw it.
52:27That's my bad.
52:28That's my bad.
52:29Go again.
52:29Go again.
52:34It's the-
52:34I did the wrong foot.
52:36We're good.
52:36Got it?
52:36Yeah.
52:37You know where you went wrong?
52:37Yeah.
52:38Okay.
52:43I kicked it on four.
52:45I kicked it on four.
52:45She kicked it on four.
52:46Yeah, I saw it.
52:47Start over.
52:48Start over.
52:48Go.
52:48Quick.
52:53I've got it.
52:54I've got it.
52:54I've got it.
52:55No!
52:57Yeah!
53:02Nah!
53:04Yeah!
53:04Yeah!
53:05Oh shit.
53:06Fuck.
53:07Oh shit.
53:08Hop on!
53:08Come on.
53:09Come on, come back.
53:11Fuck.
53:14Fuck.
53:15Fuck.
53:16Fuck.
53:17Fuck.
53:17Fuck.
53:18Fuck.
53:30What? No! I really thought I got it that time!
53:33Felt good to me.
53:33What was it?
53:34Gerber and DJ?
53:35No! Phil! No! No! No! No! No! Not Phil! No! Phil! Come on!
53:38No! No! Come on!
53:43Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
53:45I know it's been a hard couple of days, and DJ, you've had your injury, and you've been struggling with
53:50this clown challenge.
53:51I mean, a little bit.
53:52You've been here four hours.
53:53I know!
53:54And all the other teams have checked into the pit stop.
53:56Oh!
53:57Gerber and DJ, I'm really sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the race.
54:04We didn't do it. But you know what we didn't do, actually, Phil? We didn't quit.
54:09So you can hold your head high.
54:10Yeah.
54:10You gave it everything.
54:11Yeah?
54:12Yeah?
54:12I know you're upset, but are you pleased you came on the amazing race?
54:16It was the best thing that I've ever done in my whole life. Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges every
54:20single part of you. That's what I wanted. You know, I got to milk a goat.
54:25Yeah.
54:25I got to see two different cities in Mexico. But most of all, I got to spend more time with
54:33my mom than I have in years, and that's really all I wanted.
54:37You feel like you feel like you're really bonded.
54:38You feel like you're really bonded with your mom?
54:39Yeah. It was beautiful.
54:42You feel the same way, Gerber? Yeah. Thing.
54:47Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
54:49I can't get you back on the race.
54:51No, no, no. I understand. We're eliminated. But if I could just take one more crack at this dance, I
54:56know I could nail it.
54:57Are you serious?
54:57I'm serious. We got so close this last time. I don't know if you were watching, but we got so
55:01close, didn't we?
55:03Yeah, absolutely. I mean, give it another shot.
55:06Actually, Mom, this one's for us. Okay?
55:11Okay, we can do this. We can do this.
55:13Okay.
55:13We can do this.
55:17Okay.
55:23Oh, fuck me! Fuck! Shit! Just forget it. Just fuck it. You know what? I don't even care.
55:27I never care. I don't care, Phil!
55:30Stop fucking filming me! It's done. It's over.
55:34No!
55:43Oh!
55:45Oh!
55:46Yeah.
55:47Oh, my.
55:49Oh.
55:51They're just how I remember them.
55:54Good.
55:54I can feel her.
55:57I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
55:59She's in there.
56:01Oh, thank you, Ava.
56:02Thank you so much.
56:04But how did you convince her?
56:07She doesn't know.
56:09I stole them.
56:10I don't know what Debra's going to do when she realizes you stole them.
56:13I don't want to know.
56:15Yeah.
56:16This will probably.
56:18You must really, really want those rights.
56:21Yeah.
56:22Yeah, I do.
56:24So, do we have a deal?
56:26Yes.
56:27Yes, you've earned them.
56:30I'll have my lawyer call Jimmy in the morning.
56:33Welcome home, guys.
56:36Aw.
56:45Now, boarding group one.
56:47Oh.
56:48Aw, I remember boarding groups.
56:51Fun.
56:52They never let Aiden and me pre-board because they don't count MMA as military service.
56:57Fucking bullshit.
57:00I'm sorry we lost.
57:02It's my fault.
57:04If you had done the roadblocks, we would have won.
57:06No, you're kind of good at everything and super annoying.
57:09No, that's not true.
57:11I've never been good at failing and moving on.
57:17I'm proud of you.
57:19Now, you let things roll off your back.
57:21During this race, you just threw yourself into everything.
57:24You didn't even care how you looked.
57:25Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
57:26No, no, that's good.
57:29That's good.
57:32You're tougher than me.
57:34You are.
57:35I mean, I've always cared too much about what people think.
57:40Because I know how hard it is when people make fun of you or call you crazy like they're doing
57:47to me right now.
57:51I think that's why I tried to protect you from all that.
57:53And why I didn't let you try trapeze or, you know, release your reggae album or...
58:00Going QVC?
58:01Yes.
58:05I overcorrected.
58:06I didn't let you try enough.
58:08Because you could have handled it.
58:14You're right.
58:15You do care what the world thinks.
58:17But I've only ever cared what one person thinks.
58:21Who?
58:23Phil.
58:31I can't believe this.
58:33No, no, no, no, no.
58:33Tell me again.
58:34Tell me again.
58:35She really said I can feel mommy.
58:37Stop laughing.
58:38I feel really bad.
58:40She cried.
58:41This is the best.
58:43Oh, my God.
58:45Well, you are an evil bitch.
58:48I've never felt closer to you.
58:51Well, let's just hope I'm being proud and make a good show.
58:54So it's worth it.
58:56Even if you don't, recently I have warmed up to the value of falling flat on your face and embarrassing
59:01yourself.
59:02Okay, maybe just say you're going to do great.
59:04Oh, you're going to do great.
59:07And we're live in five, four, three, two.
59:11Welcome back, folks.
59:13Okay, I am thrilled because we have an amazing new designer here with us today.
59:19Please welcome Debra Jr. Vance.
59:23Okay, how many times has your baby reached for your earrings and almost pulled your entire ear clean off your
59:30skull?
59:30So many.
59:31Well, it's never going to happen again.
59:32Do you want to know why?
59:34Detachables.
59:35Oh, my God.
59:36Because they detach.
59:38That's right.
59:39No more bloody lobes.
59:40Moms get it.
59:42Amazing.
59:43Wow, these are flying off the shelf.
59:45They are going fast.
59:46If you want your own DeJewelry, you better call in now.
59:49And I think we have a call right now.
59:51Oh, my God.
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