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The.Miniature.Wife.S01E09.540p.X265.AAC [Full Movie] [Full Episodes]Full EP - Full
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00:07New Year, new us.
00:09I've arranged to get the Vermont gang back together.
00:11Are Gary and Meg going to be there?
00:13Terry.
00:14Girl, we did it.
00:15You famously fictionalized your difficult relationship with your mother.
00:18I can barely show my face at Wine Club Wednesday.
00:22Your mother needs your Wine Club Wednesdays.
00:24That's not a stretch.
00:25Your mother was protecting you from your father.
00:27You are without a doubt your father's son.
00:30I would rather die a six-inch death than see Les win a fucking Nobel.
00:36Hilton is going to sell the tech to the military.
00:40We can't be party to that.
00:42Let's finish what we started.
00:44Limitless stabilization!
00:46It is time you knew the truth about Les, little John.
00:49You have no choice but to eliminate them.
00:54Tell me.
00:55Why?
00:56Why Les?
00:59We'll take Manhattan.
01:02Slow down, Terry.
01:04Be clear.
01:05What is she saying?
01:06Lindy.
01:07Quiet.
01:07Okay.
01:07Oh, hell.
01:08Oh, God.
01:09I know.
01:10Okay.
01:12She said yes.
01:14Yes?
01:14Yes.
01:14She said yes?
01:15Yes!
01:16Yes!
01:22Congratulations.
01:23You're getting married.
01:24Good luck.
01:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:25She wrote a novel.
01:26And it's getting brothers.
01:27Yes!
01:27Nobody cares.
01:28It's New York.
01:29Swing a cat.
01:30I love this city.
01:31Huh?
01:32Married.
01:32Oh, why would we ever ruin us by getting married?
01:36I know.
01:37I mean, we live together.
01:38We love each other.
01:39What more do we need?
01:40I mean, it's silly.
01:41Silly.
01:42Right.
01:43Lindy, will you not be my wife?
01:46Les, I will not.
01:48And will I not be your husband?
01:51You will not, Les.
01:52And will you?
01:54What?
01:58What is this?
02:00Watch this.
02:01Uh-huh.
02:02Whoa, it's the fast fingers there, mister.
02:07Not marry me?
02:11Absolutely not.
02:12Never, ever.
02:17What the fuck is happening?
02:20Well, I thought we could maybe make it not official.
02:26Are we not doing this?
02:29Are we not not doing this?
02:31I don't know.
02:33I mean, we always said we wouldn't do the icky marriage stuff, but...
02:37But?
02:38But maybe two notes make a yes.
02:43We've sworn for years that we were never, ever...
02:47I know, I know.
02:48But maybe the really defiant, non-conformist, rebellious thing would be for us to...
02:56Get fucking married.
02:57Yeah.
02:59But?
02:59But, but, like a non-traditional, non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding.
03:05Yeah.
03:07Yeah.
03:34I cannot believe that you did all the same thing.
03:37All right.
03:37Alice!
03:39Right here, ma'am.
03:39Oh, there you are.
03:41Always, ma'am.
03:41Let's put this someplace safe.
03:43Under lock and key.
03:45Nothing can happen to them.
03:46Check.
03:47Next.
03:47Flowers.
03:48After the ceremony.
03:49Transfer to the tables.
03:50Low-stemmed.
03:51Vases only.
03:52To review.
03:52Rehearsal dinner rundown.
03:54Drinks and hors d'oeuvres.
03:55On arrival.
03:55Bride and groom.
03:56Welcome speech.
03:58Appetizers and various toasts.
03:59Do you have the approved list?
04:00Yes, ma'am.
04:01Okay.
04:01Dessert.
04:02Done.
04:02Everybody fucks off.
04:03I get my sleep.
04:04We good?
04:05Good.
04:05Good.
04:06Wait, just good?
04:07Great.
04:08Great.
04:09Oh, one more thing.
04:10Ah!
04:11Videographer.
04:12So very important.
04:13One question only.
04:14What is it?
04:15What is the secret to a happy marriage?
04:16What do I not want?
04:17Advice?
04:18Remember when.
04:19Well wishes.
04:19Gold fucking star.
04:21Okay, ma'am.
04:21Excuse me.
04:22Kevin, classic rectangle, not Bishop's hat.
04:24Oh, good catch.
04:26Jesus.
04:27Alice, font, spelling, placement.
04:31My dad cannot sit next to my mom.
04:35We were informed that a Walt was assuming the father of the bride responsibilities by Diane.
04:42Mother of the bride.
04:43That is incorrect.
04:44We need to start again.
04:45Kevin.
04:45Kevin, we need to begin again.
04:46Hold on.
04:47What are you doing?
04:47I am preventing a nuclear fallout.
04:50She always does this.
04:52Who?
04:52Diane.
04:53Does what?
04:54Pushes my dad out.
04:55But he's coming, right?
04:56Right.
04:57So we need to seat Jim, father of the bride, next to Nancy.
05:02Nancy, mother of the groom from a normal, stable, functional family and not my house of lies madness sadness family.
05:13Okay, Kevin?
05:14Okay, Kevin?
05:15Champagne or cocktails before dinner?
05:17Cocktails.
05:17Thank you, Alice.
05:19What?
05:19Champ, no.
05:21Champagne.
05:22Champagne.
05:22Champagne.
05:23Thank you, Alice.
05:24Diane and cocktails.
05:25No food, no absorption.
05:27We talked about this.
05:28She can...
05:29Whoa, whoa.
05:29Let's take a breath.
05:30We're losing sight.
05:31We're losing sight.
05:33Thank you for using we.
05:35Yeah.
05:35We hate...
05:36What does that mean to me?
05:37We hate this.
05:38Right.
05:39Right.
05:40Oh, my God.
05:40We do not want this, and that's why it's fun.
05:44Okay?
05:44Everything that goes bad is good, because it makes for a better story.
05:48Our not wedding wedding, for our not marriage marriage, it's all nots.
05:53Okay?
05:54Rebels of the altar.
05:55It's just us.
05:57Right.
05:58It's you and me.
05:58You and me.
05:59You and me.
06:00Okay.
06:00Okay?
06:02Yeah, okay.
06:03But, like, what if I lose control?
06:06Yeah, what if you lose control?
06:07Because I'm really on the edge.
06:09I think that perhaps we need a safe word.
06:11That'd be good.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Okay?
06:13Like, um...
06:15Um...
06:16Uh...
06:17I know.
06:18Like, like, um...
06:20Halloween, 1999.
06:21Okay, yeah.
06:22In the sea of Bill Clinton's and Monica Lewinsky's and Linda Tripps.
06:25There were only two...
06:27Janet Reno's.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Oh, Janet Reno.
06:30Safe word.
06:31I love it.
06:32I love you.
06:33I fucking love you.
06:34Come on.
06:35Okay.
06:37Okay, but that flower is not in the center.
06:39Hey, hey, hey, come on.
06:40Okay, I'm gonna...
06:41Come on.
06:41I'm gonna let it go.
06:42Come on.
06:42Countdown guests arrival.
06:43T-minus 25 minutes.
06:4525.
06:46I did, I did.
06:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:48Hey, hey.
06:48Martin.
06:49Hey, how are you?
06:50Hey, hey.
06:51Hey, hey.
06:53Oh, mwah.
06:55Oh, oh, sweet redeemer.
06:58Am I the first?
06:59Always.
07:00You're punctual.
07:01Where's, uh, is it Dana?
07:03Dana and I are exploring our options in a good way.
07:07Cool.
07:08I need you in the kitchen.
07:10Uh, I'm greeting guests.
07:11I'm supposed to be here.
07:14What?
07:19Okay.
07:21It's nothing.
07:22Okay.
07:23Nothing.
07:23Is everything okay?
07:24Yes.
07:24Good.
07:25Um, so?
07:26Well, Dana felt that she needed something.
07:28No, no, no.
07:28About the...
07:29Oh, oh, oh.
07:29You know what?
07:30Let's not talk tomato.
07:31Oh, they passed.
07:32They fucking passed.
07:34They fucking passed.
07:34What?
07:35Feezy assholes.
07:36They've got no vision.
07:37They've got no fucking balls.
07:40Hey, hey.
07:40Well, get there, okay?
07:41I know a guy at Monsanto.
07:42Kill me if we end up at Monsanto.
07:46Hey.
07:46Hi.
07:47So, how was your nothing?
07:49It's fine.
07:49Yes, it'll be fine.
07:50Good.
07:51How's everything?
07:52Everything fine?
07:53Fine, fine, fine.
07:53Good.
07:54Oh, they passed.
07:55No, no, no.
07:56It's Dana.
07:57We're hoping she'll come through, right?
07:58Uh, yeah.
08:00Um, hey, you know, I'll be at the bar.
08:02Okay.
08:05Diane!
08:06Walt!
08:07Walt needs to use the restroom.
08:10The signage here lacking.
08:12Uh, down the hall.
08:13First left, on the left.
08:14Left?
08:15Right.
08:16No, left.
08:17Okay.
08:18Right.
08:20Good luck.
08:23Okay.
08:25Snub.
08:26Noted.
08:28Les, has he canceled yet?
08:30Who?
08:30Jim.
08:31Uh, no, no, no.
08:32He's confirmed.
08:32Who said?
08:33Lindy said it.
08:34No, he's not coming.
08:35You need to prepare.
08:36Prepare for what?
08:37Heartbreak, drama, tears.
08:39Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.
08:41I think Lindy wanted to hear that.
08:42It's handled.
08:43Walt will step in for Jim.
08:45Crisis averted, less drama, fewer tears.
09:02Ready?
09:03And what is the secret to a happy marriage?
09:06There is no secret, Walt.
09:11Nope.
09:11And happy, unsustainable.
09:14Enough said.
09:15But I will say, I know it's fashionable these days for everyone to express every single
09:21feeling at every single moment.
09:24But as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good.
09:28And marriage, Walt, be nice.
09:35And if you can't be nice, be silent, Walt.
09:52Why the fuck are you two doing this?
09:55Terry!
09:56Why are we doing marriage?
09:58Hey, hey.
10:00Hi.
10:00Hi, hi.
10:01Be nice.
10:02Okay.
10:03I do have the greatest wedding present ever.
10:06Open it now.
10:08No, we're doing gifts now.
10:10Okay, is this what I think it is?
10:13You have a ton of work to do.
10:15Oh, no, we don't.
10:15Stop.
10:16It can't wait.
10:19It has to wait.
10:20I mean, I have to be here.
10:22Well, you want to be here.
10:24Yes, I want to be here.
10:25You have to be here.
10:26All right, Stepford.
10:27I want to be here.
10:28It's my wedding.
10:29We agreed that we wouldn't do any work on the wedding.
10:31Does your book go to print Monday, Tomato Head?
10:34What?
10:34You told her about the tomato?
10:36Was it a secret?
10:37Yeah, we could get out.
10:38I don't have any secrets.
10:39Get used to it, Leslie.
10:40You can get out.
10:41You have no right to call me Leslie.
10:43Is it not your name?
10:44You have no emotional right.
10:45Hey, hey, hey, hey.
10:45Hey, look who's here.
10:47Your mom and dad.
10:48Oh.
10:51Wendy.
10:52Mom and dad, I'm here.
10:52I'm right behind you.
10:53Okay, I'm right behind you.
10:56Mom and dad, how sweet.
10:58Yeah, I am going all fucking in on this new normal family.
11:01There is no normal.
11:03Do you want your book in Barnes & Noble?
11:04Yeah, of course I do.
11:05Take a drink.
11:06We're getting blurbs from France.
11:07We're getting blurbs from Donna Tartt.
11:09She doesn't blurb.
11:10Here you are worrying about the fucking canapes.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:14What happened to our pact?
11:17Terry.
11:17We marry our careers.
11:18We breed success.
11:20Only we date and dump.
11:23No marriage.
11:23No traditional gender roles.
11:25No Midwesterners.
11:25No Cowboys.
11:26New Yorkers.
11:27Need only apply.
11:28We were young.
11:29We were young and we were not serious.
11:32We were deadly serious.
11:33Yeah, but that was when I didn't think I was ever going to have actual love in my life.
11:38I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.
11:41Is it the wedding you're mad about?
11:43Or is it Les?
11:45Fine.
11:45I don't like either.
11:46But my concern is less about Les and more about you moving to the fucking suburbs and being
11:51unable to write.
11:52I am not moving to the suburbs, Les isn't one of that either.
11:55I will never not write and I don't vacuum, so I will be me.
11:59Now I know I'm fucked.
12:01It's a wedding.
12:02It's not a death sentence.
12:04They're one and the same.
12:08How was the journey down?
12:10How was the drive down?
12:12Oh, Lord.
12:13Oh, my leg ramped up.
12:15Oh, no.
12:15Mom, it is.
12:16Did I get you anything?
12:18Like ice or aspirin?
12:19Oh, no.
12:20I'm not crying about it.
12:21The little gods are here!
12:23Hey, where can we get a real drink of this stuff?
12:26Oh, my God.
12:29Lindy looking hot.
12:30Okay, Sam.
12:31Well, your wife's right there.
12:32Okay.
12:34Congrats, bro.
12:35Thanks, buddy.
12:38Jesus, watch the family tools, sir.
12:42Mommy's not going to come to your defense anymore, Lesley.
12:45That's Lindy's job now.
12:47Yeah, well, I'm going to.
12:50Okay, guys, you're going to throw it, you know?
12:52Yeah, good to see you.
12:54Great to see you.
12:57Do you need ice or anything?
12:59Are you going to throw up?
13:04Okay, here we go.
13:12Welcome, everyone.
13:13Welcome.
13:14We can't tell you how honored we are to have you all here.
13:18Yes, many of you know that Les and I never planned to do any of this.
13:24Nope.
13:24Nope.
13:24Not at all.
13:25Nope.
13:26No way.
13:26But I did know, I did know, I will tell you this, that I did know that when the first
13:31moment that I met her, something inside me changed.
13:36And I knew that I wanted her in my life forever and ever.
13:42Forever.
13:43Yes.
13:45Um, well, alcohol and a sexy Halloween costume will do that to you.
13:50That's what got me.
13:51Um, I, I will say that our first date got off to a bit of a rocky start, though, because
13:56I had asked her to, um, the classiest restaurant that my, my grad student's stipend would allow,
14:02the Olive Garden.
14:03Oh.
14:04Wonderful.
14:05I was so scared, anticipating Lindy's arrival.
14:09I'm just sitting there waiting, waiting, and waiting until it became obvious to me
14:14and to the entire restaurant that she wasn't coming.
14:17And she had stood me up at the Olive Garden.
14:21Uh, and finally the waiter came over and asked if there was anything else I needed.
14:25Um, my dignity, my, my pride, maybe.
14:29Um, and I was about to ask for the check when a voice rang out.
14:33Your finest house red, unlimited breadsticks, and an apology for the sad sexy sack at table
14:41nine.
14:41I'm glad I waited.
14:43Those breadsticks were really good.
14:48To you.
14:50And to me, and to forever.
14:56To all of those things, and to you.
14:59To you for, for making the trip.
15:01We really, we love you all so much.
15:03Let's eat.
15:04Yes.
15:08Lovely speech.
15:10Thank you both.
15:11Ah, ah, cute, right?
15:22Attention, we're having a small issue in the kitchen.
15:27A tiny delay with dinner.
15:28So we're bringing cocktails for everyone to enjoy in the interim.
15:32Great.
15:32No, I'll have to.
15:33No, no, no, no.
15:34We hate this.
15:36More cocktails?
15:37You know how many cocktails she's already had?
15:39We hate this.
15:39This is a recipe for disaster.
15:41I hate this.
15:42Gasoline.
15:43Match is lit.
15:44A match is lit.
15:48Yeah.
15:48Guess what it is, isn't it?
15:50Ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:52Ha.
15:57Keeping romance alive.
16:00Less is a hopeless romantic at heart.
16:04Do you remember those sweet poems he used to, he used to write when he was little, dear?
16:09Mm-hmm.
16:09He would, he would put them on our pillow every night before he went to sleep.
16:14Howdy grew out of that one.
16:16I remember, um, twinkle, twinkle, little me, how I wonder what I'll be.
16:22They get it, they get it.
16:31Right, a groom.
16:33Lindy, best friend.
16:34Oh, yeah, less is my best friend.
16:37How come our paths have never crossed?
16:40I don't like him.
16:41I mean, do you?
16:43I never thought about it.
16:44Huh, you didn't say yes.
16:46Oh, well, you caught me off guard.
16:48Well, isn't, doesn't best friend imply yes?
16:51Not always.
16:54I get the impression you don't want to be here?
16:56Well, Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.
17:00You're here with a plus one?
17:03Why, no.
17:05Where's your date?
17:07It's complicated.
17:09Complicated leads to all of this.
17:12You're very direct.
17:13You like him?
17:15I don't know if I do.
17:17You will.
17:17I don't know if I will.
17:21Just wait.
17:25So you ready for the show?
17:27Oh, yes.
17:27Gary, when do you think the show will start?
17:29What show?
17:30Wait, is this your first McMichael event?
17:32Have you never been to a McMichael event?
17:34Yeah, I, no.
17:35Why?
17:35Things are gonna get nuts.
17:36Oh, we guarantee it.
17:38Nuts.
17:39I predict blood.
17:40Yes, blood.
17:43What kind of blood?
17:45What?
17:46Look at me.
17:48Tell me.
17:50Is this what you really want?
17:55Terry.
17:56Ha?
17:56You didn't say yes.
17:58Are you working at your wedding?
18:01My book goes to print Monday.
18:03Hi.
18:04Welcome.
18:04How many is that?
18:08I told Les.
18:10Walt will walk you down the aisle.
18:12Dad will.
18:14Optimism is naive, and not you.
18:16You have been perfectly cast as negativity.
18:19Hi, Cost.
18:20Hi, Diane.
18:20You're not helping.
18:22Hi, Terry.
18:23Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?
18:26Pick an event.
18:27Mom, your grievances are not my grievances.
18:30I was the one left to pick up the pieces.
18:33You mean kick the pieces and say I told you so.
18:38If you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps,
18:41you should be over there with your husband-to-be.
18:43That is your duty as wife-to-be.
18:47Don't mess this up, too.
18:54Mother of ice.
18:56What an accent.
18:58Duty?
18:59Well, you are a wife-to-be.
19:01Oh, is that the book?
19:04Yeah.
19:04Am I in it?
19:05Okay, no one's in it.
19:07It's fiction.
19:07I cannot believe that you are getting married
19:11when you always said you never wanted to.
19:14And I always wanted to.
19:16But I could never find the one.
19:18Not that there is, like, a one.
19:19But I found him.
19:21Oh.
19:22Tim, this is my...
19:24Has anyone seen Tim?
19:27Um, Aaron.
19:29Is that him?
19:30Oh, God.
19:32Uh, yeah.
19:33Isn't he great?
19:34I'll be right back.
19:36I dare you.
19:37Bye.
19:39I don't know what love is.
19:41I don't know.
19:42None of us do.
19:43But they know.
19:44They know.
19:45Last time I spoke to this many people
19:47was for the launch of the Ford Taurus
19:49that some of you probably know I designed.
19:51Sorry, I'm going to bring this down to human height.
19:54I've known you a long time.
19:56Long time.
19:57Remember?
19:58Yeah.
19:59I do.
20:00Oh, this, um, is Les's favorite song when he was little.
20:03You'll remember it, Les.
20:05I used to play the old low, banjo low,
20:07and red less it.
20:08Old on my needly-lil-dee-lil-dee.
20:09But honestly, when I first saw you two together,
20:12I was like, mm-mm, no way.
20:14Never going to happen.
20:14It's never going to happen.
20:16We're so happy for you.
20:18So happy for you.
20:20To my much older sister,
20:23who found the one so easily.
20:26Because, of course.
20:27Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, Lindy.
20:29You are...
20:30you are hot
20:32I'm not allowed
20:33the streetlings
20:33are meddling
20:34this sort of
20:35long ice seedling
20:36for you to
20:38anyway I'm hopeful
20:39you know
20:40I have my Tim
20:43we should ask them
20:44what love is
20:46right
20:47oh
20:49junk
20:51has anyone seen Tim
20:52this sort of
20:53long ice seedling
20:53for you to
20:54love
20:57love
21:01it's a beautiful
21:02thing
21:08where the fuck
21:09is the food
21:09minutes away ma'am
21:10I mean miss
21:11Alice
21:12you said that
21:13five minutes ago
21:14I know it's
21:18daddy
21:18you know
21:19Lindy was born
21:20on my birthday
21:21stealing my thunder
21:22from day one
21:24from the moment
21:25my baby girl
21:26breathed air
21:27she screamed
21:28and not
21:29just been born
21:30screamed
21:30no
21:30this one
21:32this one had
21:33something to say
21:34and I thought
21:35holy shit
21:36now I got
21:37two women
21:37screaming at me
21:38hi Diane
21:42then
21:43I held her
21:44in my arms
21:45and she suddenly
21:46stopped screaming
21:47silence
21:48and nurse said
21:49she'd never seen
21:49anything like it
21:51she said
21:51you two
21:52belong together
21:55like peas and carrots
21:56I was in Milwaukee
21:58the day she was born
21:59and to see her now
22:01young
22:02in love
22:03getting married
22:06bright futures
22:07ahead of you
22:08it makes a
22:09man feel a little bit
22:10giddy
22:11just sharing the air
22:12with you
22:13as long as
22:14there's no screaming
22:17you know
22:17when you got kids
22:20you see a little
22:21bit of you
22:22in them
22:24and
22:25when they find
22:26someone
22:27who loves
22:28them
22:29it's
22:30it's like that
22:31little piece of you
22:32is getting
22:33that love too
22:36makes this old man
22:37feel
22:41very proud
22:44congratulations to you
22:45both
22:45I couldn't be happier
22:47hey
22:47you're the peas
22:48and carrots
22:49now
22:57speech of night
22:58speech of night
22:59least it in regales
23:01for the so-called
23:01baseball career
23:06oh baby
23:11I'm so happy
23:12you're here
23:13gotta have someone
23:14on your team
23:14kiddo
23:15daddy
23:17this is less
23:18mr. McMichael
23:20an honor sir
23:21Jim
23:21never served
23:24and the honor
23:24is mine
23:25but there's an
23:26obligation I have
23:27as a father
23:28and that is that
23:29if you break her
23:30heart
23:30I will break
23:31your son
23:34I'm kidding
23:35clear
23:37direct
23:37threatening
23:38with warmth
23:39and jest
23:40I can see
23:41where Lindy gets
23:41him
23:43hey
23:44hey
23:44Diane
23:46Jim
23:47Walt
23:49Jim
23:49Les
23:50oh
23:51Kevin
23:52Mom
23:53Lindy
23:58so how about
23:59that book of hers
24:01you
24:02read it
24:03it's incredible
24:04you're a big talent
24:05Lindy
24:05dad
24:06chip off the old
24:07block
24:07and boy did you get
24:09the Diane character
24:10down to a T
24:11dad
24:11yeah it kept me
24:12looking over my
24:12shoulder kiddo
24:13I'm in it
24:15no nobody's in it
24:16it's fiction
24:16I'm a character in your
24:17book and you managed
24:18to send him an
24:19advanced copy
24:20to address unknown
24:21but not me
24:22mom
24:24Walt
24:26Diane
24:27mom
24:29Kevin
24:34Leslie show dad
24:36what you were showing
24:36oh no no
24:37it's early days
24:38show him
24:39it's extraordinary
24:40Frank
24:40yeah
24:41show me
24:42come on
24:42yeah
24:42okay if you're sure
24:43food's not here
24:44see it's the perfect time
24:46go on dear
24:47okay
24:47well
24:48um
24:48dad
24:49I
24:50I am on the brink
24:52of inventing
24:54the GMO
24:55tomato
24:57so the genetically
24:58modified tomato
24:59really has the potential
25:00to um
25:00change
25:01agriculture
25:02as we know it
25:03and Monsanto
25:04uh
25:04is interested
25:05hasn't the tomato
25:06already been invented
25:07yeah but this is a new
25:08kind of
25:08this is a different
25:09kind of tomato
25:09you love tomatoes
25:11Frank
25:12you love tomatoes
25:13in the sandwich
25:16does it
25:16does it look like
25:17a tomato
25:18yeah but it's
25:19genetically modified
25:20and it tastes like
25:21a tomato
25:21yes
25:22but
25:22yeah
25:24it's a tomato
25:25it is
25:25nice
25:29you see he's impressed
25:31yeah
25:37uh
25:44bullshit to marriage
25:44bullshit to happy
25:45do you want to know
25:46what genre I file romance under
25:48fantasy
25:48and as for Lindy and the nutty professor
25:50science fiction
25:51I'm just waiting for the day
25:52my phone rings
25:53and she's accidentally
25:54got two heads
25:56attention
25:57distinguished guests
25:59the food is on its way
26:01please return to your seats
26:03in a timely manner
26:04and we'll
26:05chapter nine
26:07mother of ice
26:09oh fuck
26:10my mother was not kind
26:13or warm
26:14Walt
26:15go stop her
26:16do something
26:16I'm no hero
26:18okay
26:19alright everybody
26:19take your seat
26:20sit down
26:21don't worry
26:21everybody
26:22mom
26:22her feelings
26:23frozen into harsh
26:24jagged edges
26:25ready to impale
26:27anyone
26:27who got to
26:28stop it
26:29you're ruining mom
26:30what the fuck are you doing
26:31you're ruining my wedding
26:32diane would you like some coffee
26:34where's uh
26:34as soon as
26:35heaven
26:36heaven
26:39temperature dropped
26:40the air's hot
26:41you want it
26:41he's never freaking there
26:42heaven
26:43we need coffee
26:45can I unplug this
26:47good idea
26:48great idea
26:48scorned
26:49my mother's love
26:50unplug it
26:51mom
26:51what are you doing
26:52hell hath no fury
26:54like a repressed middle-aged mother
26:56scorned
26:57my mother's love
26:58conditional
26:59it had to be earned
27:00it had to be controlled
27:01I don't know where
27:02I'm burning
27:05he's mine
27:06he's mine
27:07he's not burning
27:08my mother was not one to forget
27:10or forgive
27:11mother
27:11stop
27:13we're getting out of here
27:39let's get you out of here dear
27:49walter could you restrain your fucking wife
27:52walter don't tell me what to do
27:54come on go up there
27:55stop coming in
27:55come on
27:57I fucking will
28:05holy gracious savior you called it
28:07double stabbing
28:09gonna put money on it
28:10marriage
28:11blood support
28:12will everybody please sit down
28:15and enjoy the fucking tuna tarts are
28:25what happened exactly
28:27rehearsal dinner
28:31got it
28:34by the way I liked your speech
28:36a lot
28:39by the way
28:41I liked
28:42your face
28:43a lot
28:46my room let's go
28:47now
28:50blessed shepherd
28:51I should probably introduce myself
28:58what's the secret to a happy marriage
29:00being in sync
29:02being in sync
29:06what a shit show
29:11oh my god
29:12my family
29:14always with the drama
29:16I mean
29:16I only wanted to get married
29:18to join a normal family
29:19so I could
29:20escape from the madness
29:22of my own
29:23only
29:27only
29:31less
29:33you only wanted to get married
29:35to join my normal family
29:38do you have any idea
29:40how small that makes me feel
29:44oh hey
29:47nothing's changed
29:50then I love you
29:51not enough to not
29:54work
29:54at our rehearsal dinner
29:56right
29:57maybe I could
29:58maybe I could still feel my thigh
30:01what happened to
30:03everything that goes bad
30:04is good
30:04makes for a better story
30:06we're not even
30:07doing this
30:08for real
30:09are we
30:10I don't know
30:10are we
30:13what's happening
30:15is this maybe the drugs talking
30:17uh
30:18maybe
30:19maybe
30:20maybe not
30:21hang on
30:22where are you going
30:23going to my room
30:24come bless
30:25let's just fuck that
30:27traditional wedding
30:28superstition stuff
30:29well you wanna
30:29you wanna fuck the wedding
30:33that is not what I just said
30:34but that's what you meant
30:35no
30:36wait
30:38what's this
30:39I
30:40come
30:40I
30:41I
30:41let
30:42that's your vow
30:43let's do this thing
30:44come on
30:45that
30:46that's
30:47I
30:47I'm
30:48tomorrow
30:48I'm gonna
30:48I want to be
30:49I got it
30:50I got it
30:50it really is a fucking wedding
30:51I understand
30:53hang on
30:53where
30:54where
30:54wait
30:57am I gonna see you tomorrow
30:59am I gonna see you tomorrow
31:17hey
31:18hey
31:19hey
31:19cold feet
31:21maybe
31:23drink
31:26yeah
31:27yeah
31:33I'm sorry about your arm
31:35ah
31:36she's been waiting 20 years to stab me with something
31:39it's okay
31:43I think this wedding was a mistake
31:47the wedding or the marriage
31:51gotta say I never thought I'd see my little firecracker settle down
31:57but you like less right
32:00you chose dependable over exciting
32:02is that bad
32:03we don't do dependable
32:05me and you
32:11I wanted normal
32:15never had normal
32:18well
32:20not normal fueled your talent
32:23hell you wrote a fantastic book because of it
32:29normal can kill a creative spark
32:33that's why I can't write my vows maybe
32:36could be
32:38I should know
32:41before I met Diane I was a lock for the majors and
32:44but you know the story
32:45yep
32:46yeah
32:47you got married and then the armoire
32:49the armoire
32:50whenever the dresser thinks she wanted upstairs
32:51had to have it upstairs
32:53and then tore a ligament
32:55and
32:55now is that
32:56my baseball career
32:58you really think you would have been a baseball star
33:01if you hadn't married mom
33:06after we divorced
33:07I started playing down in the Mexican Pacific League
33:10everyone thought I was washed up
33:12coach was forced to sign me
33:14so
33:14he benched me
33:15game after game
33:16and
33:18one day
33:18their star player
33:21got injured
33:22and coach had no choice
33:23but to
33:23send me into the bat
33:25first pitch
33:26swing and a miss
33:27second pitch
33:28another whiff
33:29if I blow it
33:30I'm done
33:31that next pitch
33:32I hit that goddamn ball
33:33so hard
33:34it smashes out the stadium lights
33:36sparks flying onto the field
33:38crowd goes wild
33:39and
33:40I knew
33:41I mean I remembered
33:42I remembered in that moment
33:45for great talent to thrive
33:47you gotta put you first
33:50you hear me kiddo
33:54yeah
33:55yeah
33:56yeah
33:57I'll have the car running tomorrow morning
33:59if you wanna make a run for it
34:02we both know this isn't you
34:04peas and carrots
34:08I'll be right back
34:08I ain't gonna see it man
34:09about a horse
34:16um
34:18you do know
34:18that was the plot
34:19of the natural
34:20right
34:22oh yeah
34:22Kevin
34:24I know
34:34huh
34:42I know
34:51I can't see it man
34:52so I can't get it man
34:52I can't see it man
34:54and he just spent a lot of time
35:00are you crying no are you smoking no
35:07is it because i stabbed you no is it because you stabbed me yes
35:18what did she say or what did she do
35:22she was so uh excited
35:30fear cloaked in excitement and now she wants to run well she didn't say that she didn't have to
35:41lindy is like jim but she's more like me and she realizes the more she loves someone
35:46the more she fears they will run we have the endlessly charming jim to thank for that
35:55say what you will about me but i stuck around i know i am not easy or charming
36:03and contrary to popular belief i am not a monster after jim left
36:13my heart broke
36:16yes mother of ice has a heart i vowed i'd never marry again
36:24then i met walt
36:26he's a good one i may be the only one who sees that but everyone else can fuck right off
36:33now you less
36:37you are one of the good ones too
36:43and lindy knows it and that's why she's trying so hard not to run
36:55this conversation never happened
36:59diane thank you
37:01not bad for an emotional icicle
37:29fuck
37:31fuck
37:54daddy
37:55damn it
37:57rito
38:17Let's do this thing!
38:28YOU TOOK MY FUCKING BULLHORN! KEVIN!
38:42This is not us. It's not us.
38:49But is it you? Be honest.
39:01Yeah. I wanted to get married to you. And I wanted a wedding.
39:13I did. But you, um, didn't you? No.
39:20So why didn't you say yes? Because I didn't want to lose you.
39:25Or my family. But you see why now, right?
39:32I just wanted...was longing for some sense of...
39:39Normal.
39:40Yeah, I said I'd do what I had always said I wouldn't do.
39:47Because I didn't want you to go.
39:50Go? I am an overly educated, uh, science nerd nobody.
39:56With...with one dumb idea no one gives a shit about.
40:02You are brilliant and you're gonna change the world.
40:07I truly believe you will. And I can't wrap my head around why you want to stay with a dumb
40:15dumb like me.
40:19And there is nothing I want more than to be with a dumb dumb like you forever.
40:30Fuck the paperwork.
40:31But you want the paperwork.
40:32But you don't. You don't. So fuck it.
40:38But you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy.
40:42I fucking love you.
40:45I fucking love you.
40:53Now I just want to un-fuck it and just get married.
40:59What? Fuck it for real?
41:00But for us, like our, our thing, our, our normal, our version.
41:08And, and no drama.
41:10Yes, no violence, no police.
41:12No family.
41:13No.
41:19And I know a perfect place.
41:23The Grey House.
41:24The Grey House.
41:39The secret.
41:42Not having a wedding.
41:46Having two.
41:48Diane, don't make me come over there.
41:55I, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Lindy McMichael, to be my wedded wife.
42:02I, Lindy McMichael, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, to be my wedded husband.
42:09Not?
42:10Never.
42:11Never, ever.
42:12You are signing the papers, yes?
42:13Yes.
42:14Yeah.
42:15Okay, well, I now pronounce you, not husband and wife.
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