- 3 weeks ago
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00:11There you are. I thought you got taken by this horrible image of you locked in a shed.
00:18Mister, please. I'm just a little late. He unchained me. I'm late for my job at the DMV.
00:24If that was my focus, I would let him kill me.
00:26No, Barb. I told you I'm taking the morning off to re-register my car.
00:30That's why you missed my morning meeting.
00:32Yeah. It was so frustrating.
00:33I tried to warn everybody about the rash of robberies in East Hollywood, but as usual, nobody listens to Barb.
00:39Oh, that's me. Yay. Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.
00:42Why is no one taking this seriously?
00:45The DMV has strict policies about how to react to robberies.
00:47And if we don't get on the ball, we're going to be nip-deep in cow-bye.
00:51Relax, Barb. That's why we got security.
00:59You're not prepared for what's coming.
01:02Mr. Counterworker.
01:04Oh, Madam Customer.
01:06Yeah.
01:07Oh. Oh, a 1993 Volvo.
01:10Mm-hmm. He's got a little rust around the hood, sure, but otherwise stunning.
01:15Okay. Uh-oh. I actually can't register this vehicle.
01:18Sure you can.
01:19No, you're a year overdue for a smog check.
01:21Actually, I'm three years overdue, but luckily, I have an in at the DMV.
01:26Wait, you do?
01:26It's you. It's you.
01:27Yeah, oh.
01:28Tappy-tappy. Everybody happy.
01:30I'm so sorry. I can't.
01:31Barb took away override privileges after Vic tried to change his license to say organ boner.
01:37Do you remember the stickers he made?
01:38So I took the morning off for nothing. Man, the DMV sucks.
01:43Never said that from this side.
01:45Well, there you go.
01:46Yeah.
01:48Which way do people normally storm out?
01:50They do go that way.
01:51Great. Thank you.
01:51Have a good day.
01:57Apparently, I need to get a bunch of expensive repairs before Gary can pass his smog test.
02:03Oh, that's right. You're a car namer.
02:05Ugh.
02:05There's nothing wrong with naming your transportation.
02:08I swear my car runs better when I call it by name.
02:11The Buttmobile?
02:12Yeah. I also named my arms.
02:15Jean-Claude.
02:16Stallone.
02:17Let's go get some creatine gummies.
02:20Hmm.
02:20Gross.
02:21Do you want me to take you to Armando later?
02:22He's the best mechanic in town.
02:24Really?
02:24Mm-hmm.
02:25Yeah. Okay.
02:26Thanks, Greg.
02:27Oh, it's okay. I'll take any reason to not be here.
02:30Gary, thanks you too.
02:31Thank you, Greg.
02:33Don't do that.
02:33He's Swedish.
02:35Volvo.
02:41Take care. Bye-bye.
02:43Hey, the good boy puts the money in the bag.
02:46Sorry, sorry, sorry, what?
02:47The good boy puts the money in the bag.
02:50Now.
02:51Okay, look, no one needs to get hurt, all right?
02:53I'm just going to reach for the register.
02:59Bob?
03:00Why are you robbing the DMV?
03:02I was testing our crime readiness.
03:04You could have held, like, a meeting or something.
03:07I did, but none of you listened.
03:09I think you finally undeviated my septum.
03:14Smells terrible in here.
03:16Yeah.
03:16But you did get the water out of my ear from last summer.
03:19Hashtag grateful.
03:26Miss Tyler.
03:27Can you park your car in a place with a lot of rats?
03:29Yes.
03:30Los Angeles.
03:31Yeah.
03:31Looks like some rodents have been chewing at your wiring.
03:33Your entire exhaust system is out.
03:35But he can still pass his smog test.
03:37Totally.
03:37After a new exhaust system and five or six other things I saw,
03:41you're looking at about three thousand.
03:43Dollars?
03:44Dollars.
03:44Are you saying dollars?
03:45I'm trying to.
03:47Greg.
03:47Hmm?
03:48There you are.
03:49Were you working on a car?
03:50No.
03:50Meatball sub.
03:51Armando's mom has a sandwich shop next door.
03:54It's called Armando's.
03:56That's so cute.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Did she tell you a bunch of rats have been chewing at it
04:00and then try to charge you three thousand dollars for it?
04:02No.
04:03No?
04:04Look.
04:04Excuse us.
04:05The ESC is toast.
04:07Oh.
04:07The EVAP system.
04:09The oxygen sensor.
04:11Did you check the spark plugs?
04:12Catalytic converter?
04:14Yeah.
04:14The plugs are shot too.
04:16The rest is just a matter of time.
04:19Yep.
04:20Yep.
04:22Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
04:24What do we got here, fellas?
04:25Well, everything in this car is on life support.
04:28You'd be better off buying a new car.
04:31Yeah.
04:31If you like, we have a little used car lot on the other sides.
04:34Oh, well, no, no.
04:35I love Gary.
04:37Car name her.
04:38Hey, I don't judge.
04:39My wife dresses our husky in a turtleneck
04:41like neutering him once wasn't enough.
04:46You're probably wondering why I'm peeing myself.
04:49Hmm.
04:49You're mostly wondering why you fake robbed the DMV.
04:52Yeah.
04:52I posted the robbery to my Citizen app,
04:54and now everybody thinks I'm paranoid.
04:56I couldn't get you guys to take the crime wave seriously,
04:58and I needed to see how we respond to a threat.
05:01Let's roll the tape.
05:05No, for all Noah knows, I'm a dangerous international jewel thief.
05:10Come on.
05:10Oh, Noah.
05:12That was good.
05:14No clapping.
05:16Stop clapping.
05:17Stop it.
05:18What Noah did is wrong in every possible way.
05:21Hard to agree.
05:22Should have hit him with the eye-gouged throat punch combo.
05:25Finish her.
05:26DMV policy is clear.
05:27In an event of a robbery, we must do nothing.
05:30What?
05:31We're supposed to just let them rob us?
05:33Yes.
05:34Does anyone read 10 and...
05:36Ow.
05:3610 and 2.
05:37DMV magazine girl, you know I don't read government propaganda.
05:40Just last month, an armed robber hit the Venice branch.
05:44Employees fought back, and he sued for 4 million.
05:46Dollars?
05:47Dollars.
05:48Are you saying dollars?
05:49I'm trying to.
05:50Listen, we have one week until the consultants pick which branch gets axed.
05:53So, to defend our branch, we must not defend our branch.
05:59Wait, wait, wait.
06:00Hold up.
06:00Go back.
06:01Give me that.
06:03Is that...
06:04You don't need a...
06:05Is that Vic?
06:08No, uh, couldn't be me.
06:10I was in a break room slamming chiapood.
06:13The fish!
06:13Ah!
06:14This, this is why I keep going back to church.
06:17You do continue to show me your love.
06:22No, no, no, I was running towards the back exit, because usually when bad guys come in through
06:26the front, you gotta watch that back door, because even worse, bad dudes come in the back door.
06:30I am sending this to everyone, and I don't mean just the office.
06:35Oh, there's another angle.
06:37Look, did I actually have a good day at work today?
06:42Steve Miller Band, John Denver, the Eagles.
06:47Wow, you have the musical taste of a 70-year-old white guy.
06:50I can't believe you took Armando's side.
06:53That was so embarrassing.
06:54His side?
06:55Mm-hmm.
06:55Collette, there is no argument.
06:56This car is not worth the money that it would take to fix it.
07:00Mm-hmm.
07:00I don't know why you're so attached to this hunk of junk.
07:03Because it has a lot of memories, okay?
07:05You know, I drove myself to prom and back in this thing.
07:08I spilled two vats of gravy in the back seat.
07:11Thanksgiving 2014, Gravy Fest 2017.
07:14Amber and I drove 6,000 miles out here from Delaware in this thing.
07:19Isn't that only 3,000 miles?
07:20Yeah, we got real lost.
07:23The point is, this car, it survives everything.
07:26Armando is not the first mechanic to tell me that it's done for, okay?
07:30All right.
07:31Well, everything survives until it doesn't.
07:34It's just time.
07:35Nope, you're wrong.
07:36I'm gonna prove it to you.
07:37I'm gonna get the repairs that this baby needs to pass its smog test.
07:40And I'm gonna do it for far less than $3,000 because Gary never dies.
07:45Oh, boy.
07:46Oh.
07:47Glue guns in the glove box.
07:49And there's duct tape under the seat.
07:51You know what?
07:52I am just going to not touch anything, okay?
07:55Fine.
07:56Boom!
07:57Oh.
07:59That is new.
08:05Next!
08:07Hey, is it true somebody robbed this place yesterday?
08:10Yeah, but it turns out it was just our manager.
08:12This guy giving you trubs?
08:14No.
08:15I'm watching you, pal.
08:18Vic, stop pretending to be tough, okay?
08:19I will never unsee what I saw on that tape.
08:21That was a fluke.
08:22I am tough.
08:24I used to be a bouncer.
08:25Well, you definitely bounced away from the action yesterday.
08:27It was like in a cartoon when they run so fast that their little beak can't touch the ground.
08:30Like, doodly, doodly, doodly, woo!
08:32Okay, see, I'm gonna have to prove my toughness.
08:35Ah, Vic!
08:37Oh, my God!
08:38Oh, my kneecap!
08:39God!
08:39That's my chair!
08:40Ooh, but I'm good.
08:42It hurts.
08:43And I love it.
08:44Gross.
08:45Ooh.
08:47Ooh.
08:48Dang.
08:48I'm fine.
08:49Ah, real tough, Vic.
08:51I'm already back.
08:52Okay, next, please.
08:58What the?
09:02What the hell was that loud noise out there?
09:04Did a helicopter just land?
09:06Oh, that's just the sound of me proving you wrong, Greg.
09:09Wait, that was your car?
09:10Yeah, all fixed, and for a very reasonable price.
09:13You may have a car guy, but I have the, a internet.
09:18Well, from the sound of it, they took your catalytic converter.
09:21What now?
09:22The thing that stops your car from making that loud, horrible noise.
09:25Yeah, yeah, they said it's temporary, and now I'll be able to pass the smog test.
09:28They lied, Colette, and trust me, that car is not safe to drive.
09:32Uh, defeat, not a good color on you.
09:35Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy a fancy coffee with my thousands of extra dollars.
09:40Uh, you want anything?
09:41Or, uh, too full for meeting your own words?
09:45I got him.
09:46Yeah, you got me.
09:46Yeah, I got you.
09:47Just, uh, text me the order, though.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Okay.
09:54Everybody be cool!
09:56This is a robbery!
09:57Citizens of citizens, I am in an act of robbery for real this time!
10:03Stop right there!
10:04Oh, no, it's that tough guy!
10:06That's right.
10:07Terrified public, do not fear this human piece of garbage.
10:10For I, Victor Cillow, have this trophy.
10:14Barb, what the hell?
10:16I had this under control.
10:18Oh, jeez, my instinct kicked in.
10:20I violated DMV protocol.
10:22I'm sorry, Mr. Robert, please don't kill us.
10:25Noah?
10:26Oh, my.
10:26I'm sorry, Vic, I never saw her coming.
10:29Why are you apologizing to me, stranger?
10:32Stranger?
10:32Oh, come on, another fake robbery.
10:34Citizens has a three-strike policy.
10:36I can't get kicked off another app.
10:37You said if I do this, I could join your paintball league.
10:40Not anymore, dummy.
10:41Vic, it's my paintball league, and the wait list is closed.
10:44I'm confused.
10:45Hello?
10:45Vic clearly convinced Noah to stage another robbery so he could play hero.
10:48This DMV has hit a new low, and we've had dead bugs twice.
10:57The thing you like is called a cortado.
11:00That's it.
11:01Uh, Greg, can you please come pick me up?
11:03Because my car died.
11:05Ugh, yeah, where are you?
11:08Hold on.
11:09Back up, park, and walk inside!
11:12Your car broke down in a drive-through?
11:15Oh, oh, my car can home too, you know.
11:18Oh, come on, Gary, say something.
11:21Oh, no, no, no, okay, okay, one more time, Barb, play it one more time.
11:24Please, please.
11:26Boom, that elbow!
11:28Barb, do you have, like, an ex that you want to get back with?
11:30Because you should send this to them.
11:33Honestly, it's smash.
11:35Please let me say smash.
11:37My gal dang vicious instincts put the branch at risk.
11:41Well, here's my manhood.
11:43Body oil and protein powder.
11:45What's this?
11:46You're going to a swap meet at Muscle Beach?
11:47Those are once a month, and you have to be on a list.
11:49Oh.
11:50I'm not the office tough guy anymore, so I don't need this stuff.
11:53It's like I don't know who I am anymore.
11:56Maybe I should buy a cardigan and be one of those guys that says,
11:59hey, no worries if not.
12:02Hey, Dwayne, want to hang out?
12:04No?
12:04No worries if not.
12:05Well, that's gross.
12:07Yeah.
12:08There's just no reason to have all these at work.
12:11No, no, I'm talking about Vic.
12:13I mean, I wanted him to own being a wuss and all,
12:15but I didn't want him to lose his entire essence.
12:17It's just, like, creepy.
12:19This has got to be the smallest die master I've ever worked with.
12:24Look at this.
12:25Oh, Barb, that's not...
12:26Yeah.
12:27I can really feel it in my goins.
12:29Can you not do that in my chair, please?
12:31It's like a hummingbird's wishbone being crushed by two redwoods.
12:36Please, please, please, no!
12:37Ah!
12:42Hey, Colette.
12:43Sorry, I'm late.
12:44I got on the wrong bus.
12:45Although, if I was trying to go to the airport, I got on the right bus.
12:49Thanks again for helping me get Gary towed yesterday.
12:52Uh, don't thank me yet.
12:54Come on, I want to show you something very cool out the window.
12:57Is the flasher back?
12:58I love her.
13:00No.
13:01You see that car with the bow on it?
13:03Hmm?
13:04The blue car?
13:05It's a regular bow.
13:05They don't sell car bows at CVS.
13:08I'm watching.
13:09Is it going to blow up or something?
13:10It's your new car!
13:13I'm thinking you call it Greg.
13:15I don't understand.
13:16I have a car.
13:17No, you have a piece of metal that's, like, unsafe to drive.
13:21So yesterday, I made a deal with Armando.
13:23I gave him your Volvo for parts and a transmission that I had in exchange for one of his used
13:29cars.
13:30How could you do this?
13:32I didn't ask for this.
13:34Do you know how crazy that is?
13:35Yeah, I do, because when I was doing it, I thought,
13:38this is crazy.
13:39It seems like something Colette would do.
13:41I can't believe this.
13:44Where are you going?
13:45Uh, to return your gift and get my car back.
13:53And if I were a key?
13:55On your desk.
14:11What in the gilligan?
14:15May I help you?
14:17Oh, it's me, Barb.
14:19Well, the new me.
14:20If I can't be the office tough guy, I figured maybe I could be our jam band guy.
14:26Fish is still a thing.
14:27Mayor's touring with the dead.
14:29Goose is the new twiddle.
14:30What?
14:31Yeah, I don't really get it.
14:33I don't know any of that stuff either.
14:35And truthfully, I'm worried how me and all these frigging burnouts are going to make conversation.
14:40Jam band Vic doesn't do abbreviation.
14:43Damn it.
14:43This is going to be tough.
14:45You know, you don't have to change who you are just because your gut instinct was to run away this
14:48one time.
14:49But it wasn't just this one time.
14:53When I was a kid, I was a shrimp.
14:56Everyone at the foster house would get into fights and the only way I could survive would be to run
15:00away.
15:01I got muscles as soon as I could, but maybe that's just on the outside.
15:05Honey, what I did was embarrassing.
15:07I would have loved to react the way you did.
15:09Instead, Papa Barb's instincts cut in and what you did, that was something stronger.
15:15Say more.
15:16Go on record.
15:18Mention specific muscle groups if you can.
15:20You followed DMV protocol and you showed restraint.
15:24I almost decapitated Noah.
15:26Unfortunately, I would do it again.
15:29God, I want to do it again.
15:31Restraint.
15:31I never thought of it like that.
15:34Except for in the moment when I was doing it on purpose as an act of choice.
15:40Exactly.
15:41You might have been a little guy growing up, but you're teaching me how to be a big guy up
15:46here.
15:48Thanks, Barb.
15:49You know, as a leader, you don't get enough appreciation.
15:52I know you wanted to say appreciation.
15:55Actually, it's just preesh.
15:58Man, feels good to be back.
16:01You remember the seminar?
16:03Yes.
16:08Hey.
16:10That's too late.
16:13You already took Gary apart.
16:17Look, I'm sorry for overstepping.
16:20I realize you had a lot of memories in this car.
16:24This car was my dad's.
16:26He gave it to me the year I graduated high school, and it is the last thing I had of
16:31him.
16:34When he passed, it had been years since I had been home.
16:39And, you know, travel is so expensive.
16:42I kept saying next year, next year.
16:44And then there was no next year.
16:52I don't even know what to say, Collette.
16:55When I was a kid, he used to take me on these long Sunday drives and would listen to John
17:01Denver,
17:02and he'd bore me with trivia about West Virginia.
17:06Did you know it has more towns named after foreign cities than any other state?
17:11No, I didn't.
17:12But then my cousin moved to Beijing, West Virginia.
17:20I know the car had to go.
17:22I just, uh, I wish I had been able to say goodbye.
17:31Well, I didn't know any of that.
17:35But I do know this.
17:37What?
17:40This is a Subaru.
17:45Gary!
17:50Help, help. A man just stole my purse.
17:53Where?
17:53Uh-uh, no.
17:55What? Please, he's right there.
17:57You can still catch him.
17:59I can, and I won't.
18:02Somebody call the police?
18:04Mama, I saw the purse.
18:05He's doing you a favor.
18:06Why won't anyone help me?
18:08Because, ma'am, this is the DMV.
18:12Helping people is not what we do here.
18:25My boy.
18:31Okay, I get it now.
18:32Are you sure you don't want to sit on the side?
18:35No. Shotgun's where I have my best memories.
18:39Look, look, look.
18:41Dad used to let me put my stickers on here.
18:44It's kind of disturbing how little they've disintegrated throughout the years.
18:49I ate some of these.
18:50What do you think that means?
18:51I think it means the memory of your dad will always be with you.
18:57Oh.
18:58Maybe you could help me install this in my new car?
19:01Sure.
19:02It'll be $3,000.
19:09Would you pop this in the Discman connected to the cassette tape connected to the cigarette lighter for me?
19:14Yeah.
19:15Sure.
19:27Hold on.
19:28Hi.
19:30Blue Ridge Mountains
19:32Shenandoah River
19:36Life is older
19:39Older than the trees
19:42Younger than the mountains
19:45Growing like a breeze
19:48Country roads
19:49Take me home
19:52To the place
19:55I belong, West Virginia, Mountain Mama, take me home, Country Roast.
20:26East Hollywood successfully allows robbery avoids lawsuit.
20:29Hey, all right!
20:30Freakin' made ten and two. We got a honk out. Page 14.
20:33Robbery? What the hell did we miss?
20:35No, you read it out loud, Gregory.
20:37No.
20:38Read out loud for us, Colette.
20:39Uh, the one line Vic already did.
20:41Yep.
20:42East Hollywood successfully allows robbery avoids lawsuit.
20:46Hmm.
20:47Chills.
20:48Oh!
20:49Oh!
20:52Seminar.
20:54Restraint.
20:54East Hollywood's in print!
20:57Woo!
21:24East Hollywood's in print.
21:25You?
21:26Ladies &
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