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CreativityTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise to Mr. Jimmy Carlton!
00:13The power!
00:15Thanks for coming out. Merry Christmas, everyone. You all right?
00:19OK, so we've got an amazing line-up.
00:20We've got team captains John Richardson and Rob Beckett,
00:23Judy Love, Daisy May Cooper, Katie Norris, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:32Thanks for having me here.
00:35Christmassy.
00:42OK. See everyone more?
00:46I'm worried I don't look Christmassy enough.
00:49Should we do this? Yeah!
00:51We should do this. Yeah!
01:04MUSIC CONTINUES
01:07MUSIC CONTINUES
01:07MUSIC CONTINUES
01:18APPLAUSE
01:28Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas special.
01:32A show about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
01:36OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:37First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:45John does look like one of Santa's elves,
01:47but the one that works in accounts.
01:51Who would now?
01:54And John's teammate, Daisy May Cooper.
02:01Daisy claims she once attempted to have sex with a ghost.
02:04I bet that put the willies up here.
02:07Up against them this evening, team captain Rob Beckett.
02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob Beckett loves Christmas because of the huge smiles on his kids' faces,
02:19which, sadly for them, are genetic.
02:23And joining Rob tonight is Judy Love.
02:29Judy Love attended drama school for four months,
02:32but left after she fell pregnant.
02:34And that is as close as Hackney is going to get
02:36the nativity story.
02:39So you were at drama school and you fell pregnant,
02:41so that's...
02:41Yeah, it was...
02:42That's a hell of an improv session.
02:43It was proper.
02:45It was live, everyone enjoyed it.
02:46It was a different kind of show.
02:49Did you do any more acting after that?
02:51We could do an improv moment right now.
02:53OK.
02:54That night...
02:57It was so special to me.
03:01Wait, is he the dad?
03:03Yeah.
03:06John, have you ever been asked to turn on a town's Christmas lights?
03:09You sound very unwell, Jimmy.
03:11The voice box is the only thing I haven't had replaced,
03:14and now look.
03:18Yeah, I did a few last year, actually,
03:20but none of them have asked me back.
03:23I hooked them all up to sparkmeters.
03:27I had a few booked in this year,
03:29but then Andrew became available.
03:33You can't beat a royal who wants to work cash in hand.
03:39All right, Daisy,
03:40what was it like growing up with your brother Charlie?
03:43Traumatic.
03:44Christmases were very traumatic.
03:46Our great nan came to stay with us one Christmas.
03:49I was about eight,
03:51Charlie was about five,
03:52and we had bunk beds.
03:54Christmas Eve.
03:55We had the door open
03:56and we thought,
03:57oh, my God, it's Santa Claus.
03:58Right.
03:59And it wasn't.
04:00It was our great nan,
04:01who was naked,
04:03sleepwalking with night terrors,
04:06right?
04:06She just walked into our room and screamed.
04:10Horrendous.
04:14So what part of her made you think it was Father Christmas?
04:17The long beard.
04:18The long beard.
04:21It was awful.
04:23It was horrible.
04:25Rob, what element of Christmas would you ban?
04:27I would ban the snowman.
04:29The depressing cartoon?
04:30Yeah, that.
04:31It's on every year.
04:32Why?
04:32Oh, it's shit.
04:35Chill away.
04:36It's a shit drawing.
04:37Like, we've got Moana now.
04:38Proper CGI.
04:41Animations moved on.
04:42I don't want to watch something worse at a special time.
04:44Do you know what I mean?
04:45So, yeah, I'll get rid of the snowman.
04:48Sorry, I've upset the entire nation.
04:50Do you like the snowman?
04:52Yeah, I do.
04:53He dies at the end.
04:55Do you not like that bit when he dies?
04:56He dies?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Oh, I'll watch it this year.
05:00Judy, are you a good cook?
05:02Do you do Christmas dinner?
05:03Yeah, it depends on whether, you know, the spirit takes me,
05:06and the spirit is called rum.
05:09Your food situation at Christmas, we've spoke about this before,
05:12is mental.
05:12How much food do you make?
05:13I mean, we do everything.
05:14We do rice and peas, and we do plain rice,
05:16then we do curry goat, and then we do jerk chicken,
05:19then we have fried chicken, but in the morning we have fried fish,
05:22Escobar fish with Ardo bread, we might have ackee and saltfish,
05:25then we kind of add our little British culture,
05:27which is a bit of toast.
05:29And then...
05:33Then we have dessert, and you've got the black cake,
05:35we've got everything, fruits and cream.
05:37It feels like you could cut the plain rice course.
05:40Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:41This is a Jamaican house, there's nothing plain in there.
05:43Even the plain white rice is seasoned.
05:45It's washed, it's got salt, it's got butter,
05:47you've got a bit of wine.
05:49Oh, let's not go there, white people, please!
05:53You wash it, and then you let it bubble up,
05:55and you put butter, and you put salt,
05:57you put a bit of thyme, and I like to, with my plain white rice,
06:00I get a Scotch bonnet when it's simmering,
06:02and I put the Scotch bonnet in the middle,
06:03and just let it simmer down.
06:04Don't let it burst.
06:05Let me tell you something, you will never,
06:07like they say, once you go black, you don't go back.
06:09Once you go white rice with a Scotch bonnet,
06:12you won't go back.
06:13I'm telling you.
06:14Try it, people!
06:15Sounds good.
06:16Thank you, thank you for the one clap.
06:19OK, John, have you got a mascot?
06:21I have.
06:22What have you got?
06:23Well, it's all about Christmas traditions.
06:25For me, the best tradition of Christmas
06:27is when you get your Christmas morning bin bag.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:34APPLAUSE
06:38Yes.
06:39I start looking for mine about September.
06:43I'd start filling it with that suit.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47So, you know, you've got to start thinking about
06:49what sort of load it's going to take,
06:51what thickness of bag you want.
06:53You know, you get the wrong Christmas bag,
06:54and the kids have been up at R5,
06:56you're three Christmas bin bags in by six o'clock.
06:58You ain't coming back from that.
06:58Yeah, true.
06:59Christmas day's over.
07:00Is that a heavy duty?
07:01It's not full heavy duty, no,
07:02because then I think there's too much heft to it.
07:05Right.
07:05And it sort of takes...
07:06You want the crinkle.
07:07Yeah, yeah.
07:08Some of that Christmas...
07:09Are you struggling with that?
07:10I am struggling a little bit.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13I don't think you've picked the right bag.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:17LAUGHTER
07:19Oh, I like that.
07:19Don't criticise his black bag.
07:21No.
07:22I've been having Christmas bags for years.
07:24You always remember,
07:25oh, I get emotional looking at this picture.
07:26Your first Christmas bin bag is a real thing.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Is that really you?
07:35That's me, yeah.
07:36Which one?
07:38LAUGHTER
07:40Yeah, my sister's in that picture,
07:42but the team have taken the decision to edit her out
07:45and put the bag where she was stood.
07:47So that's a...
07:48LAUGHTER
07:48That's a conversation we'll have
07:49at my real family Christmas.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:53Daisy, have you got a mascot?
07:54Do you want to bring him out?
07:56Oh, this is my son, Benji, dressed as the Christmas pudding.
08:01Aw!
08:01Thank you, babe.
08:03Oh, hello, Poppet!
08:05He...
08:05Erm...
08:06Yeah, I...
08:07It's only because I sort of fucked up a bit with childcare.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:13I said, can I bring him?
08:15And they said, fine.
08:17And they said, have you bought a mascot?
08:18And I said, no.
08:19That's the message.
08:20You'd be a bit scared of Jimmy earlier, weren't you, Jimmy?
08:24LAUGHTER
08:24He's not the Grinch.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:26Look, there he is.
08:28He's a nice man.
08:29You wave to him.
08:30Stop it.
08:32Hi.
08:34How old are you?
08:35You are 17 months.
08:3717 months?
08:38Well, talk me through the conception.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:41It was really great, actually.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:44In a travelodge.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:47Really, yeah.
08:49I've had the best times there.
08:51Straight talk.
08:52Are you 100% sure that's not Rob Beckett?
08:57LAUGHTER
08:57Show us your teeth, no?
09:00LAUGHTER
09:02Thanks, darling.
09:03He's not going to bite you, the nasty man.
09:06Can I ask, are you...?
09:08Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
09:09He doesn't want to go past it.
09:10And you've picked up a child before, have you?
09:18Julie, have you got a mascot?
09:19I have got a mascot, my Jamaican Crackers.
09:25Yeah, I'm Jamaican, if you didn't know.
09:27It just, it just brings you into, like, my kind of household
09:30and my vibes with different words and stuff that I can teach you.
09:34OK.
09:34So, put it open.
09:36Whoo!
09:37Now, can you read what that says?
09:40With your best Jamaican accent.
09:43Oh.
09:45Bye, Rob.
09:46No!
09:48Lickle more?
09:49Yes!
09:50Lickle more.
09:51Lickle more?
09:52Do you know what that means?
09:53A little more?
09:54Lick it more.
09:55Oh.
09:56No, it doesn't.
09:57Lickle more, yeah, it means a little more.
09:59Little more.
09:59Or you could say in the same thing, like, I'll see you soon.
10:02Lickle more.
10:03Like, I'll soon come.
10:05Gunfinger.
10:05All right, then, Rob.
10:08Just got carried out.
10:09Rob definitely cancelled after that.
10:11Whoo!
10:12Go on, take it.
10:14Let's see if John...
10:15Let's give it to John.
10:16Yeah, say that.
10:17Well, go on, John.
10:19Yeah.
10:21Me-day-ya.
10:22Me-day-ya.
10:23Say it faster, though.
10:24Me-day-ya.
10:25Where are you?
10:26Me-day-ya.
10:26Me-day-ya.
10:27You can't see me here.
10:28Me here.
10:28You're there.
10:29Yeah!
10:30Say it with your chest, though, John.
10:33Mamma, I'm here.
10:35I'm right here, Judy.
10:37You've missed that.
10:38Me-day-ya.
10:39Me-day-ya.
10:39Where are you, John?
10:41Me-day-ya.
10:42Yeah!
10:45But, Jimmy, I will say you definitely know your language
10:50because the other one is usually wagwana.
10:52You said it before even being prompt.
10:55So, big up yourself, Jimmy.
11:00Sometimes look at me like I'm some sort of bumbacar.
11:09Rob, have you got a mascot?
11:11Can it not be racist?
11:13The answer's yes and then no.
11:16Yeah, I do have a mascot.
11:18What I've got is, I was getting the Christmas decorations
11:20out the loft, as you do.
11:22Yeah.
11:22And I stumbled across a box full of Christmas presents
11:25that I've got my wife and Lou in the past,
11:27that she's never used.
11:28These are presents you bought for the good lady.
11:31These are presents I've bought for my wife
11:32that she doesn't want, and I think she's bang out of order.
11:38It's already good.
11:39She's into arts and crafts.
11:41Right.
11:42I've got her a seven-piece chisel set.
11:45This was a good one.
11:48Wood varnish.
11:50She kept on saying she wanted that fence painted,
11:52so I got this.
11:53She did fuck all of it.
11:57We wanted to try and spice things up in the bedroom.
11:59Right.
12:00You know?
12:00You're in a marriage, you sort of think...
12:01I don't know.
12:02So I've got a little outfit.
12:03You don't know?
12:05What about spicing the things up in the bedroom?
12:07I'm not married.
12:07You have plain sex with a Scotch bonnet in the middle, do you?
12:17Anyway, so I thought I'll get her an outfit to wear for a bit of sexy time,
12:21so I got her this.
12:25But I thought that might be quite nice, a bit of roleplay.
12:27She never wore it.
12:28What a piss take.
12:29It's a beautiful gift.
12:30You know, this one, she didn't want this one either.
12:32A bottle of champagne.
12:33What could be the problem with a bottle of champagne?
12:35Yeah, that's nice.
12:35You know?
12:36What's it say on the label?
12:37Two, Rob.
12:38Thanks for all your hard work on the BAFTAs.
12:45What are you going to do, eh?
12:47Jimmy, I'll have the wood varnish.
12:49He's do her.
12:49You do her, Rico.
12:54Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Katie Norris.
12:57Thank you, sir.
12:59Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
13:01Well, Merry Christmas to you.
13:02It's your first time on the show.
13:03Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:04Well, my name's Katie.
13:05People often think I've got divorced woman energy, but I've actually never been married.
13:12And I'm not a mum, just a woman with a tight snatch, a loose tongue and a social lie.
13:18Can I just get a bit of commotion for the outfit?
13:20Yeah.
13:20Yeah.
13:27So, I only wear this for special occasions.
13:29There was a bit of an issue with the crotch, though, because it started to erode.
13:34But the designers sewed into my crotch a professor's elbow, you know, like a suede patch.
13:40Which does feel quite funny to me, because I'm not used to feeling a professor's elbow down there.
13:44But I wanted to feel confident.
13:50Could you tell us less about yourself?
13:54I've got a gift for you, Jimmy.
13:56Excellent.
13:56Christmas.
13:57It took me eight and a half hours.
13:58So, I've recently trained to become a taxidermist.
14:02Um...
14:03Oh...
14:05This is Boo.
14:07Oh.
14:08Boo Radley.
14:09I mean, Boo Boo's showing her boo-boo.
14:11Yes, her boo-boo.
14:12Yeah.
14:13That's a squirrel's elbow down there.
14:17And with Katie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:24Susie's books make a great last-minute Christmas gift for people you don't like.
14:29What's your favourite festive word, Susie?
14:31Oh, wonder clout.
14:34Erm...
14:34And a wonder clout is something that looks really promising.
14:37You think it's going to be great and it ends up being really disappointing.
14:41Oh, I got one of those.
14:43Yeah.
14:44Yeah.
14:45Actually, there is in wrestling, there is a Christmas hold,
14:49which is when one wrestler gets the other by the crotch,
14:52and so it's a handful of nuts.
14:54I think that's what your squirrel has.
14:55Was that nuts on the squirrel, then, or a bulky vagina?
14:59No, these are nuts.
15:01Did you just ask, was it nuts or a bulky vagina?
15:07I think that's a fair question.
15:09No, I don't.
15:09I don't think we're using the phrase, bulky vagina nut,
15:13on our Christmas show.
15:15And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
15:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:22I'm not saying Rachel's Christmas dress is short,
15:25but I think I can see her grotto.
15:30It's not bulky, either.
15:36Thanks for sharing.
15:38Merry Christmas.
15:39Rachel.
15:41What is your favourite Christmas statistic?
15:43You know how people put food out for Santa and the reindeer,
15:46so some people put milk out?
15:48And apparently in the UK,
15:491.3 million cans of beer get put out for Santa on Christmas Eve,
15:52which is about 2.5 million units of alcohol.
15:55So, Santa's about 600,000 times the drink drive limit
16:00when he's going around up there.
16:02So, you can't even read that naughty list,
16:04which explains why my little one gets presents every year
16:07and she's an absolute shit.
16:10Rachel Riley, everyone.
16:14OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
16:17is definitely not an elf on a shelf.
16:19For legal reasons, it's the Countdown elf upon a mantelpiece.
16:32Thanks for lending him the gear, John.
16:36OK, let's count down, everyone.
16:38Time for our first game.
16:39Rob, Judy, you get first poke of the letters.
16:42Consonant.
16:43Thank you, Judy.
16:44R.
16:46Can I get a vowel, please?
16:48O.
16:50Another vowel, please.
16:51E.
16:52Consonant, please.
16:54N.
16:54Am I still going?
16:55Yeah, it looks like it.
16:57C.
17:00Vowel.
17:01You.
17:02Do you want to go? No?
17:03Vowel.
17:03No, do you want to start writing it down, then?
17:06A.
17:06Oh, I thought I was saying that you was writing it.
17:08Vowel, please.
17:10Are you sure?
17:11I wasn't, but now I am, just to piss you off.
17:15And then, fuck it, another vowel.
17:17Yeah.
17:19You have to have four.
17:22I'm overruling.
17:23That would have a consonant.
17:24You have to have four consonants on this game.
17:25T.
17:26Oh, I see a word.
17:27Oh, yeah.
17:33Merry Christmas, everyone.
17:37And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
17:41It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
17:45Ooh.
17:47Everywhere you go.
17:50The days are looking at five and ten.
17:52Glistening once again.
17:55With candy canes and silver lanes aglow.
17:58It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
18:03Toys in every store.
18:04It's quite all to read.
18:07But the prettiest sight to see
18:09Is the holly that will be
18:11On your own
18:13Front door
18:20Rob, what have you got?
18:23A four.
18:25Judy, how many?
18:26Seven.
18:27Seven?
18:27Yeah.
18:28Daisy, how many?
18:29I got six.
18:30OK.
18:31John?
18:31Seven.
18:32Seven.
18:32Rob, what is your broadcastable four-letter word?
18:35Car.
18:36Daisy, your six.
18:37Toucan.
18:38Mm, nice.
18:40Judy, your seven.
18:42Counter.
18:43Oh, my God!
18:46Oh, wow!
18:49And, John, your seven.
18:51Cartoon.
18:52Oh!
18:53Oh, my goodness.
18:56Wow.
18:56Seven points to both teams.
18:58Please.
18:58Katie, Susie, what could they have had?
19:00Well, you could have had an eight.
19:02Oh!
19:04Courant.
19:05It's a 16th century court dance.
19:07Short steps forward, short steps back.
19:09It's a bit mincing.
19:10I think you'd be quite good at this, Jimmy.
19:13Christmasy.
19:14Merry Christmasy.
19:14Nice.
19:15So, at the end of that, both teams have seven points.
19:17Well done, Judy.
19:19OK, on to our first numbers round.
19:21John, Daisy, your turn to pick the numbers.
19:23Would you like to pick the numbers?
19:24No.
19:26Two big ones, please.
19:28Three.
19:28Three.
19:29Five.
19:31Four.
19:32Fifty.
19:33And 75.
19:34Yeah.
19:34And the target...
19:36667.
19:37OK, and your time starts now.
19:40.
19:41.
19:41.
19:41.
19:41.
19:42.
19:42.
19:42.
19:50.
19:51.
19:52.
19:54.
19:54.
20:10OK, so the target was 667.
20:13Rob, did you get it?
20:15I got 669, so no.
20:18Judy, did you get it?
20:19No.
20:19Daisy, did you get it? I got nine
20:24Five plus four equals nine question mark
20:29Judy does 33 not two lots of three
20:35John did you get it six six six?
20:40The number of the beast
20:42Christmas
20:43How did you do it five plus four is nine?
20:48Yeah, satanic 75 evil
20:52And then three threes and nine mmm take it away six six six Wow seven points to John
21:03Rachel could it be done it could if you say four times three is twelve times
21:10Fifty is six hundred. Yeah, and then at the seventy five. What are you saying? Yes for yeah?
21:19Okay, so Rob and Judy have seven John and Daisy have 14 points
21:22Wow
21:25And here is your teaser the words are I rub snow and the clue is the thicker the better that's
21:31I rub snow the thicker the better
21:49See you after the break
21:50Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were I rub snow the clue was the thicker the better
21:54it was of course
21:57Unibrows so John and Daisy are in the lead they've been playing in team so far
22:01But this game he's just for Rob and Daisy so Daisy your turn to choose
22:06Three vows, okay three. I think this is the moment where we can get our points
22:10You're not playing
22:11And another one
22:12E
22:12U
22:13E and O and the rest the other ones
22:20Thanks for taking such an interest
22:24Another s another G Wow
22:28have a great time
22:29Hang on
22:29Oh, what?
22:30Okay. Your time starts now
22:32Let's see the sleigh bells jingle and ring-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding
22:43After the snow is falling and friends are calling you
22:47Ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding
22:54Nice
23:10Oh
23:10This is this is a sweet ride
23:16I've got presents
23:19Who's that for me or what that's best for you can I open it?
23:22Yeah
23:24Oh my god, it's all I need
23:29About the first facelift
23:41Casey I give you that I thought you oh, oh my gosh. Oh, yes
23:52They're not like it's not like posed or cheesy. It's just I could talk you through them. They're just candy
23:59January yes, I mean Jimmy. Why didn't I get one of those?
24:02Because I fancy Jimmy. I really fancy him. Yeah, I can't talk when he's there
24:08What is he like about him? I just think he's really fit
24:16Which one of his faces do you like most?
24:18Yes, yes
24:19All of them. What's your biggest fantasy that you have about Jimmy? What's your biggest fantasy?
24:25He says don't worry about the maths bit and we just get it on onto the desk
24:35The thing is he's going to use that when he's about 90 still doing TV
24:40He's driving himself in the studio like Elton John in a tracksuit
24:46Oh
24:47Oh
24:47All right
24:51Do you wanna
24:54Come for a right? I would love that
24:56Yeah, why not?
24:58Oh, are you getting in with him?
24:59Can you do the maths bit?
25:01Yeah
25:01Yeah
25:06Look at that
25:08Look at that
25:10Look at that
25:11That was big crying
25:12I found that
25:14I found that
25:16I found that
25:19Oh
25:19Oh
25:19There you go
25:25He's on route to it
25:29Oh
25:29Daisy, how many?
25:31What?
25:33Oh, right, yes, letters
25:35Do you remember the countdown?
25:37I got snogs
25:39You got snogs?
25:42Did you?
25:43Thank you
25:44Thank you
25:56I'm not being frightened
25:57No
25:59You got snogs? Okay. And Rob?
26:01I got five
26:02Guess
26:03Yes
26:08I'm gonna have to drop you home
26:13Sounds great, does it?
26:16Do you know I lost my virginity in a Cleo
26:26Five points to both teams
26:34Nice little Christmas drive
26:37Good
26:38That's fine
26:41The Bipolar Express
26:50Katie, Susie?
26:52Neguses
26:52What?
26:53Neguses
26:54Neguses
26:54Yes, they are hot toddies
26:57Hot drinks, port sugar, lemon and spice
26:59Perfect for Christmas
27:00Named after Colonel Francis Negus, who created it
27:03So at the end of that, Rob and Judy have 12 points
27:05John and Daisy have 19
27:13Well it says here, now it's time for John and Judy to go head to head in the maths
27:17But is there any point of that?
27:19Should we just...
27:21Judy, your turn to pick the numbers
27:23Three small and three big numbers
27:25Three and three, we've got balance, here we go
27:28We've got 10
27:28Five
27:29Three
27:30Seventy-five
27:32One hundred
27:32And fifty
27:33And the target
27:35957
27:36Woo!
27:37Your time starts now
27:41The clock is turning me off
27:43The clock is turning me off
27:50Can you help me?
27:51What's your name?
27:59Wait, wait
28:09OK, so the target was 957
28:11John, did you get it?
28:13I think I got 953
28:15Judy, did you get it?
28:17Yeah
28:17Rachel, take it easy
28:18Judy's got this
28:19OK
28:19What did Judy do on the board?
28:24Ten point, Rachel
28:25I'm writing it out again
28:34Can I just make sure that Judy can't see Rachel's clipboard
28:37Just because I think they've probably both got it
28:39They wouldn't help
28:39Oh, you're a petty, petty man
28:41I just...
28:42Please keep making sure that Judy doesn't see the answers
28:45Because I would like to have the seven points
28:48Because they are the rules
28:49Fuck off
28:52Now it feels like Christmas
28:55I did
28:56Come on Judy
28:5710 times
28:5975
29:00Yeah, is
29:01Which is 750
29:045 and
29:058 and 3
29:07Right?
29:08Hold on
29:09And I added
29:10100
29:11That makes what?
29:138
29:1370
29:14No
29:1550
29:16What?
29:17Hold on
29:18No
29:192 times 50
29:23That made 9, 7, 5
29:26And then I took the 8 away
29:28And then I took away the 10
29:339, 57
29:38Numbers, there's numbers, I used the numbers
29:40Well there isn't a 2 up there
29:41Huh?
29:42Where was there a 2?
29:43Who said anything about 2?
29:4550 times 2
29:47I don't know where...
29:48You need to sort your maths out, babes
29:51John, what did you get again?
29:539, 5, 3
29:53Go on, how did you do it for 7 points?
29:56100
29:56Minus 5
29:5795
29:59Times 10
30:00950
30:00Add 3
30:02953
30:027 points
30:0310
30:04Sorry!
30:06I know how I got 920
30:09Wait, hold on
30:10No
30:1010 times?
30:11No
30:11No
30:13Happy New Year!
30:21Rachel, could it be done?
30:22If you say 75 plus 5 is 80
30:26Yeah
30:26100 over 50 is 2
30:29Exactly
30:29And it's in 10 for 12
30:30Ties them together for 960
30:33And take away the 3
30:34There you go
30:34I see it
30:35APPLAUSE
30:41OK, time now to go across 2 Dictionary Corner
30:43Katie, what have you got for us?
30:45Er, well, Jimmy
30:47I'm a female comedian
30:48So men are terrified of me
30:49I don't know why
30:50You know, all I'm thinking
30:51When I meet a shy, introverted man
30:53In his mid-30s
30:54Is
30:55Speak up, you little simp
30:57What do you mean you don't know how to drive?
31:00Do you drive?
31:02I'm driven
31:10So I'm actually, er
31:11I'm taking a short break from dating at the moment
31:13To focus on my career as a godmother
31:15I love being a godmother
31:16Because you don't just spread your legs
31:17And become a godmother, do you?
31:20You're chosen
31:24Right, I think I'm going to sing now
31:31Now, Countdown
31:33Where would anybody want to become a godmother?
31:35Well, I'll tell you darlings
31:36It's the power
31:37It's the prestige
31:38Come with me to the bottom of the garden
31:41Let's go see the toads
31:44Each of them
31:45Used to be my boyfriend
31:47What is one of those?
31:49A suitor
31:50A sweetheart
31:51A fellow
31:51Or a fellow
31:52Just make sure they're not a DJ of the techno
31:55What's a DJ?
31:56A boy who cannot love
31:58Now may I introduce you to Geordie
32:00This toad is Simon
32:02His pits were always smelly
32:03Little Jason Hill
32:04I took come upon my belly
32:06Racist, sexist, crude and dry
32:07Poor Charlie had a chode
32:08And this one's just a regular toad
32:11I'm your godmother now
32:12Listen to my tales
32:14Eat my wordy warnings
32:15My magic never fails
32:16God mummy Katie
32:18Biddle diddle dom
32:19I am brilliant amazing woman
32:21Then why aren't you married Aunty Katie?
32:39I did sing that to my godson Jasper who's five
32:43And he looked up at me and he said Katie, do you have friends?
32:48He said yeah Jasper, I've got loads of friends
32:50Because I don't have any children
32:56I don't have any children
32:57Katie Norris everyone
32:58Woo!
33:00OK, so Rob and Judy have 12 points
33:03John and Daisy have 26
33:05Well done
33:08And here is your teaser
33:09The words are
33:10Elf's tits
33:11The clue is
33:12Which way are they leaning?
33:14That's Elf's tits
33:15Which way are they leaning?
33:16See you after the break
33:38It was of course leftists
33:40OK, before we go on
33:42He's not on the show tonight
33:43But he's turned up anyway
33:44It's Joe Wilkinson
33:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:08Right Jimmy, erm...
34:11Have you just bought some eggnog?
34:13Because I love eggnog, so...
34:15LAUGHTER
34:16What Merry Christmas
34:18What
34:28Although it can make my head swell up
34:33Basically, I'll be honest. I'm eggnog intolerant
34:38But it's Christmas so you can't not have eggnog, can you?
34:43You weren't drinking quite a lot of eggnog there. Fabio, do you want to bring on a bit more eggnog?
35:01Thank you, mate
35:09Oh
35:10Joe what's going on? Oh, you're wondering why I'm Fabio brings his eggnog in his motorcycle sidecar
35:17Yeah, because he's a fucking idiot
35:27Oh
35:28What's happening? Oh, John's upset. Oh, yeah, I know it's John's upset. Oh, that's going on it
35:33You can sense when someone thinks they can drink more eggnog than me
35:41It's his gift. Well
35:45John, can you reckon you can drink more eggnog than me? Well, all right, let's let's put your money where
35:49your mouth is
35:49Let's play a little game. I like to call. Can you drink more eggnog than me?
35:53Oh, can you drink more eggnog than me? Can you drink more eggnog than me?
36:05It's a simple game, John. It's to see if you can drink more eggnog than me
36:12When you're ready Jimmy. Gentlemen, your time starts now
36:16Oh
36:19I can feel a boil swelling up on the back of the head. I can feel a boil swelling up
36:25on the back of the head. That is not good
36:27Come on John. It's gritty. John, you haven't even down the first one
36:31Come on, John. John. Come on
36:39Ah...
36:40Don't let me slow you down, John. Yeah, I think...
36:44Ah, there's pus in the...
36:46This is a very expensive suit.
36:48There's pus in the eggnog.
36:50There's pus in the eggnog.
36:52There's some pus in the eggnog.
36:53There's some pus in the eggnog.
36:56There is... I'm going to warn you, there's pus in the eggnog.
36:58There's pus in my hair!
37:00Do you know what?
37:02To be fair to John, there is some pus in the eggnog.
37:07Do you know what? Let's call it a draw. There's pus in the eggnog.
37:10We'll play.
37:11Let's play Countdown!
37:14OK, on with the game.
37:22We were playing Countdown before whatever the fuck that was.
37:26Rob and Judy, your turn to choose.
37:28Right, here we go.
37:30Are you going to help?
37:30All right, I'll have a little sit down.
37:32Are you doing it, Joe? Yeah.
37:34Can I get two vowels, please?
37:37Absolutely.
37:37Thank you, Jesus.
37:39I and an E, you all right?
37:40Yes, please, yeah.
37:41Three consonants.
37:42Three consonants, seems too many.
37:45P, M, W, or an H.
37:49PH.
37:50What's one of them?
37:51Three of them?
37:52Yeah, three of them, please.
37:53That could be M's or W's, it's up to you.
37:56I like it when Rachel does it.
38:00That could be one of those.
38:01You had a P earlier.
38:02Where's the P gone?
38:03Where's the P gone?
38:04It's absolutely none of your fucking business.
38:07Write down your shit and I'll do mine.
38:11Can I just confirm what we've got there?
38:13Can you read those letters to me?
38:15E, umla, ouch, and...
38:20A vowel, please.
38:21A vowel.
38:22Are we not having the P, then?
38:24He's gone wrong.
38:25Love all right, OK.
38:28What's that one?
38:29Another bloody window.
38:30Another bloody window.
38:31OK, your time starts now.
38:35I don't know whether to spell it or subtract it.
38:38You start by reading the P.
38:40T.
38:41T.
38:42T.
38:42T.
38:42T.
38:44T.
38:44T.
38:44MUSIC
39:04Rob, how many? Four. Four?
39:07Judy, how many? Four.
39:09Home is my four. John, how many? Five.
39:12Ooh. OK, Daisy? Five, if that's definitely a W.
39:19OK, Rob? C-O-M-E, come. As in all ye faithful.
39:23All right, John, your five? Chime.
39:25Chime? Oh, I'm Christmassy. Daisy, your five?
39:30I got hole. You got one?
39:34Hole. Can you stop trying to seduce me?
39:38Hole with a W. With an L?
39:40Oh, well, what's that then?
39:43Oh, gosh, now I've got nothing.
39:46I'm afraid at Christmas there's no L.
39:48Oh!
39:50Joan Richardson.
39:55Five points to John and Daisy.
39:59Top round.
40:01Katie, Susie, could they have done any better?
40:03Just vibes. Yeah. Could have had homey.
40:05OK. John and Daisy are in the lead with 31 points.
40:09APPLAUSE
40:13And here is your final teaser.
40:15The words are...
40:17And the clue is, it's very good for you.
40:19That's elf sex ad, it's very good for you.
40:21See you after the break.
40:25APPLAUSE
40:38Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
40:40The words were, elf sex ad, the clue was, it's very good for you.
40:44It was, of course, flaxseed.
40:46OK, before we go on, as it's Christmas, let's play a quick game.
40:49I'll read out the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
40:52All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline.
40:55Could not be simpler. Five bonus points up on offer.
40:57So, let's play, pull my cracker.
41:05Annoyingly, it does that when I say pull my cracker.
41:12Probably best if no-one says it.
41:14Pull my.
41:15Cracker!
41:15LAUGHTER
41:23Ouch!
41:26OK, what comes at the end of Christmas Day?
41:28Father Christmas.
41:30And boys, er...
41:33Boxing Day.
41:35Any other guesses?
41:37Letter Y.
41:38That's the right boring answer.
41:40Yeah.
41:45Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
41:49Because he doesn't believe in Western medicine.
41:55That is the right, yeah, that's the right answer.
41:58Yeah.
42:00Cos he's in good health.
42:01Yeah, I'll give you that.
42:03Nice.
42:07Christmas.
42:08What is white and minty?
42:11My ass.
42:12Jimmy Carpenter?
42:18Sorry.
42:19Judy?
42:20I was just going to say Jimmy.
42:22White and minty?
42:23Yeah.
42:24Yeah, that's exactly how I imagined him tasting.
42:30As your son.
42:31LAUGHTER
42:36Oh, Judy's gone.
42:45A polo bear?
42:47A polo bear is the right answer.
42:50OK, John got the most right, so John gets the points.
42:53Oh, for Pete's sake.
42:55Oh, my God.
42:57APPLAUSE
42:58OK, time for our final letters game.
43:00John, Daisy, your turn to choose.
43:02Er, you're welcome to choose, but if you're just going to do that three vowels, five consonants shit, I might
43:06do it myself.
43:07Can we do it, yeah.
43:08Can we have four vowels and five consonants, please?
43:10LAUGHTER
43:11We've got A, O, E, U, D, T, B, L...
43:16..and D.
43:18And a bonus T.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:22OK, and your time starts...
43:26..now.
43:26Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
43:34And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:40Oh, the fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still good-bye.
43:47Oh, God. It's quiet.
43:49It's a lot, eh?
43:51Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:55Well, I'm in a nightclub in Essex.
43:58LAUGHTER
44:05Oh, God!
44:07Daisy, how many?
44:08Four.
44:09Four. OK, John, how many?
44:11Er, seven.
44:13How many, Rob? Five.
44:14Five. Judy?
44:15Five.
44:16You're four, Daisy?
44:18Lube.
44:21Rob, you're five.
44:22Tubed.
44:25Tubed.
44:27It's been tubed.
44:28Is that good? Yes.
44:29Thank you, actually.
44:31Judy, you're five.
44:32Adult.
44:33Adult.
44:34John for the seventh.
44:36Er, doubled.
44:37Whoa.
44:38Oh, my goodness!
44:40Seven points to John.
44:42I've got to get Jimmy, I've got to get Jimmy.
44:44On the count of three.
44:45One, two, three.
44:47Hail Jimmy!
44:48LAUGHTER
44:53Erm, Katie, could they have done any better?
44:55Yeah, they could have had buttload for eight.
44:57Dead points.
44:59Is that a real word?
44:59Buttload?
45:00It is now.
45:02OK, so Rob and Judy have 12 points.
45:05John and Daisy have 43.
45:08APPLAUSE
45:12Now, as it's Christmas, you know we always do this on the show, yeah?
45:15Yeah.
45:16The conundrum at Christmas is worth 32 points.
45:19Yes!
45:19That's always been the tradition on this show.
45:22So, for 32 points, here's today's crucial Christmas Countdown Conundrum.
45:38Oh, great, Rob, I'm sorry.
45:40LAUGHTER
45:41It's right there.
45:45R, E.
45:47Come on, it's right there.
45:48You can see it.
45:49I can see it, but I can't say it.
45:52They go round and round.
45:53Come on.
45:54Merry Cycle.
45:55Sorry, sorry.
45:56Merry Cycle.
45:57Come on.
45:58Go round and round.
46:00Come on.
46:02Come on.
46:04Carousels.
46:05Carousels.
46:11Merry Christmas.
46:17So, the final scores are...
46:20John and Daisy have 43 points.
46:22Well done.
46:23Which means our winners, Rob and Judy, with 44 points.
46:27It's a Christmas miracle.
46:31Congratulations.
46:31You're now the proud owner of this.
46:33The Countdown.
46:35Elf upon a mantelpiece.
46:41Thanks to all our parents, our wonderful studio audience,
46:43and for all of you for watching at home.
46:45That's it from us.
46:46Good night.
46:46And Merry Christmas.
46:54And we'll see you next time.
47:14Thank you so much, Rob.
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