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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S29E01 - 16 January 2026 [Full Movie] [Ranked]Full EP - Full
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04Ta-da! Hey!
00:07What? Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have. Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:25We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:27Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something for the show.
00:35Let's count down.
00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Get in there.
00:40Right.
00:42Let's go.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert, John wins.
00:49LAUGHTER
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go. Let's do this.
00:52MUSIC PLAYS
00:56MUSIC PLAYS
01:04MUSIC CONTINUES
01:05MUSIC CONTINUES
01:06MUSIC CONTINUES
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:27Hello and welcome to out of ten cats does countdown a show about letters numbers and conundrums okay
01:34Let's meet tonight's players first up. We've got team captain John Richardson
01:44and
01:45Big dog daddy that's what I'm talking about
01:48Well one at one of those words is factually correct. Yeah, and it's not big or dog
01:54You've got to hand it to John because he's so small. He can't reach it by himself
02:00It's people meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two
02:05And John's teammate Judy love
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favorite band blue and got so excited that she threw her
02:17bra on stage
02:18killing all four
02:25Who's your favorite member of blue I love blue I think it was Simon Simon was lovely but the bra
02:31was yeah
02:31It did it was like it was like a tent like one love it was just like
02:37Up against him this evening. We've got team captain Rob Beckett
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth but to be serious for a second if you are feeding
02:51him remember flat palm and let him come to
02:53You
02:58That's crazy okay are they are they veneers or they they're your own teeth
03:08They all figure man, when I laugh it looks like they're running out
03:15Joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson
03:22Catherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television.
03:27Whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five, an ageing spinster, or a kindly grandmother.
03:32There's all kinds of opportunities.
03:36I'm only just in my 40s, I'm nearly out in my 40s, so thank you.
03:41John, you recently voiced Grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie.
03:45How did you get that role? Why were you cast, do you think?
03:49Well, I think Fanny Smasher Smurf had already been cast.
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out.
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film.
04:06Technically, I was in a film with Rihanna, and she doesn't know who the hell I am.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:13You've done a film, haven't you? You're like a bird that commentates on films.
04:16Yes.
04:17And you're in Cinderella, which we love.
04:19Yes, I was in Cinderella, but...
04:21Really, do what?
04:22Active.
04:23Yeah, but...
04:25What part in Cinderella?
04:27I was the pervert trying to get off of her.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:30It's good they let you keep the glasses, though.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:35Can I tell you that, I mean, part of the reason we watched that
04:39is because my husband originally had that part,
04:43but they had him in his costume and he did a scene
04:46and they thought he looked too pervy.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50So they've got someone who looks pervy.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53I think, though, Camilla Gabbard looked very young as Cinderella.
04:56She looked very young, and my husband is, yes, my age.
04:59And a convicted pervert.
05:02LAUGHTER
05:02OK, Judy, what would be your perfect day off?
05:05Er, I think it'd be at home, not having to do any kind of maths
05:10or work with numbers and words and shit like this.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to no-one,
05:18I don't want to... No, I don't want to do anything.
05:21I'll be honest, you get bored of it. You ask me, who said I'd get bored?
05:23I've got kids.
05:24When you say you've got kids, how many kids you got?
05:26Two. Yeah, two.
05:28How old are they, Judy? One's 20.
05:29One's... Yeah, but...
05:31That doesn't count.
05:31You're not on the front line of a three-year-old.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Er, Rob, you got a mascot?
05:36Yes, I do, I have got a mascot, actually.
05:38Erm, so one of my favourite pastimes,
05:40a little hobby of mine, is tripping up children.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45When you've got kids, you're at a lot of parties, soft plays,
05:47and there's always a couple of idiot kids
05:49that are being mean to your kids, so a little...
05:51As they're sprinting past, being able to have a little...
05:54leg out.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Just to catch them on the run and...
05:58Ever do it to your own child, or...?
06:00No, I don't, no.
06:01No, I don't...
06:02I don't just do it to all...
06:03It's just, you know, I'm getting older,
06:04kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that,
06:06so what I've got is I've had some special shoes made
06:08to help me with the tripping up,
06:11cos it can get difficult.
06:12So I've got these.
06:13They're only a prototype.
06:14I think they're going to take off.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:22APPLAUSE
06:23Can I...?
06:24Can you see these now?
06:25Yeah, I'd like to see these...
06:27Yeah, see, like, obviously, I've got them to look like
06:29normal shoes that people don't notice.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Yeah, no, I mean...
06:33I'll come round and show you what...
06:34Oh!
06:35I don't have to...
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38It's not really that...
06:39What's that?
06:39What's that?
06:40No, don't they...
06:41What?
06:41What?
06:42Well, you can tell...
06:43You can tell...
06:44You can tell when you know.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:49THEY LAUGH
06:51They're cool.
06:52They're really cool.
06:53Yeah.
06:54I think they might catch on.
06:55It's like a classic pair of sort of laced-up trainers.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:58Say you're at a party,
06:59you just sat down having a chat.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:02You're having a drink,
07:03a kid run past,
07:04you're in a coffee shop,
07:05FUCK OFF!
07:07And then you're this easy to go,
07:09TWAT!
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Can you run in those?
07:12What's that?
07:13Can you...?
07:13I'm not chasing kids.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:15You look like someone who chases kids,
07:17if I'm honest.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22APPLAUSE
07:24LAUGHTER
07:27LAUGHTER
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29LAUGHTER
07:30Oh, nice rhythm.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:34APPLAUSE
07:34That was...
07:35That was close, though.
07:37He nearly went.
07:38But, yeah, so, if you want a pair,
07:39let me know.
07:40I'm going to start a...
07:41Crowdfunder.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44LAUGHTER
07:47LAUGHTER
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48LAUGHTER
07:48It's quite long.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:50Well, Becky, everyone.
07:51It's got lots of shoes.
07:57APPLAUSE
07:57I've got a sort of...
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine.
08:01Um...
08:02Catherine, have you got a mascot?
08:03Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
08:04I mean, you've created yours.
08:06Have you made those yourself?
08:07Absolutely.
08:08That's...
08:09Absolutely.
08:09This is shop-bought, what I've got,
08:12and it's just to relieve tension in the drawer,
08:15but when I first got it, I did...
08:17I used it this way for quite a while,
08:19until somebody told me it was actually this way.
08:23What...
08:23And you do it, put it...
08:24Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there?
08:27It looks good.
08:28Oh.
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:34It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:36No problem.
08:37Go ahead.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39It's nice, isn't it?
08:40It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It doesn't look great.
08:43No.
08:44Someone...
08:45LAUGHTER
08:45Someone's going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49As it pushes its back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:52It does, it does.
08:53Because they're white as well,
08:54it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58It's going to pull them back.
09:00Uh, Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:02I have, um...
09:03Cos when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:06Um, I'm always worried about, like,
09:08what's going to be the end result.
09:10But because of that, I thought,
09:11let me just relax myself.
09:13I've got my crystal ball, so I can get predictions.
09:18Ooh.
09:19Yeah.
09:19I can see things, like, now I can see this gorgeous,
09:23gorgeous woman, very, very...
09:25Oh, God, look at her.
09:26Just hot.
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:28Sorry.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30But I can see lots of little things.
09:32I can see John at home by himself,
09:35arguing with a thermostat.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm not paying these prices.
09:41I'll put a card on.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:44Susie...
09:44I can see Susie in the afterlife
09:47having a conversation.
09:48Well, actually pulling up God,
09:50because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Have a break, girl.
09:55Have a break.
09:56Do you know what I mean?
09:57So, yeah, I can see...
09:58Susie's dead in that.
10:00Yeah, but she's not...
10:01She buried the lead on that.
10:02How did she die?
10:03She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win.
10:12The silence!
10:13That was killing!
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Of course, Susie.
10:17Let's enjoy while we've got it.
10:18OK.
10:18John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture, really, Jimmy.
10:23Oh!
10:23So, I've gone into music, tribute bands,
10:26a lot of coin in tributes.
10:28So, I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all.
10:31He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So, people would ask who he was.
10:36So, we had to rename him Elvish.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40So, sometimes, sometimes you want to update an act
10:43while you're doing the tribute.
10:44So, I've got a modern Johnny Cash,
10:47called Johnny Contactless.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:52And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:55He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin,
11:02cos I can't afford all of them.
11:03So, that's Les Zeppelin.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07I've got loads of these.
11:08I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:10Brian Maiden.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I've got as many of these as you want.
11:14One-man take that, Jake that.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18And then I saw the Oasis gigs,
11:20and I thought, well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:22I thought, one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:24I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:26and quite unpleasant...
11:27Oh, piss-throwing and all that.
11:29So, I thought, how do you change that?
11:30Well, you just...
11:31The music speaks for itself,
11:32so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:34So, I've got a tribute band called OA Sisters.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:41I've brought them along tonight.
11:43So, ladies and gentlemen, OA Sisters are here.
11:47APPLAUSE
11:56So, Sally can't wait, she knows it's too late,
12:02but we're walking on by.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07My soul slides away
12:13Don't look back in anger
12:15I've heard you say
12:18APPLAUSE
12:24You were slightly a key.
12:27You were?
12:28The only key that I need
12:30is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking cat.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:38and a world full of steak.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this.
12:46I'm...fucking enough.
12:47You, you weasel in cardigan-wearing little swat.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:52You'd better pay us what you'd owe.
12:55Yeah, I agree with her, actually,
12:57and I've got big hands.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:03APPLAUSE
13:06And over in Dictionary Corner, please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:14All right?
13:20Well, Spencer, good to have you back.
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:23I've been...
13:24Everyone's got a dodgy offie that they go to,
13:27but what I like to do,
13:27when I go to the dodgy offie,
13:29give the boys the red stripe,
13:30empty the bag,
13:31put the bag on your head like that,
13:33put that round that ear like that,
13:34and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then...
13:36And then...
13:36Oh-ho!
13:38LAUGHTER
13:42You might...you might get signed by...
13:44Yeah, I'll take it.
13:46Want some more?
13:47Yeah!
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:51All right?
13:52I'll be honest,
13:53it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:55Ahem, ahem.
13:57Happy Mother's Day!
14:05I got banned!
14:07I got banned from TikTok for that.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Oh, my God!
14:12There's one other thing.
14:13There we go.
14:14Um, sometimes when you're visiting a hospital,
14:17you know, it's a sad time.
14:18People are dying.
14:19Um, but they've got plenty of these knocking around,
14:21which you can nick,
14:23you know, no-one will have a go at you.
14:24You can do sort of like,
14:25You lie! It's fine!
14:27LAUGHTER
14:27LAUGHTER
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33It's too cheap.
14:34It's too cheap.
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38Me too.
14:40What you can do,
14:41when you pull up like that,
14:42you put one finger in like that,
14:43and then that one comes through there like that,
14:44and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and that,
14:47and then...
14:48ROLL AWAY!
14:49LAUGHTER
14:53And they'll be dying,
14:55but they'll be laughing.
14:56And then what you can do,
14:57you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that,
14:59and then...
15:00and he's like that.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02They are brilliant!
15:06APPLAUSE
15:07APPLAUSE
15:10Spencer Jones.
15:13And with Spencer, of course,
15:14it's Susie Dent.
15:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:19Last Valentine's Day,
15:21Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:24I listened to it, Susie,
15:25and I'll be honest with you,
15:26I was bored stiff.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:31Lots of words make me laugh.
15:33In the historical dictionary,
15:35there's a word for someone
15:37who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:39and they are described as ill-willy.
15:41If you are kind towards someone,
15:43you are good-willy.
15:44And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:47you are evil-willy.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:51I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:55OK.
15:56And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
16:01APPLAUSE
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:07You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:09so I would quite like to get one.
16:11My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:13but you've got to get it right, haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful
16:15and something you don't regret.
16:16So, I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:20so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:23because, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:25to see your face on real human skin.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:36OK, the prize that teams will be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:40APPLAUSE
16:48This should be good.
16:50Oh.
16:51Ooh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:54Just edge...
16:54Maybe a little bit...
16:56Just a touch closer.
16:57Just a tad...
17:09I thought they were beekeepers.
17:12One in the blue, let's see your face.
17:14Hey.
17:15I knew the second one was a brother.
17:16I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk,
17:19I said that to you then.
17:19You said, you said,
17:20I could tell from his walk he was black
17:21and I didn't know what to say.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:25Literally.
17:27I've whispered it to John.
17:28I was hoping John would say it.
17:29Yes.
17:30But I didn't want it to get cancelled,
17:31but I just saw it in his walk.
17:34I don't know what that man is called,
17:36but, um...
17:38RUN!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41OK, let's Countdown everyone.
17:43Time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Katherine,
17:45you get the first pick of the letters.
17:46A vowel, please.
17:47Yeah, sure.
17:48Can you have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:51N.
17:52Another vowel, please.
17:54A.
17:55I.
17:55A consonant.
17:56G.
17:57Another vowel, please.
17:59I.
17:59A consonant.
18:00S.
18:01Another consonant, please.
18:03L.
18:04A vowel.
18:05U.
18:06And another vowel, please.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Can we stop a second?
18:13When you said that,
18:14the crowd oohed,
18:15which I felt like you'd made a bad decision,
18:18but I wasn't listening,
18:19so shall we switch...
18:20Oh!
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels?
18:22Can I...
18:22Consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:23Yeah, go for it, go for it, please.
18:25It's very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29OK, while you crack on with that,
18:30I've got a side hustle.
18:31I'm a couples therapist.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35LAUGHTER
18:37Right.
18:39Next.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46LAUGHTER
18:48LAUGHTER
18:49This is, uh, this is, uh,
18:50this is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey, um...
18:55And your time starts now.
18:57Uh, well, where should we begin?
18:59Uh...
18:59OK, well, tell me about your sex life.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03LAUGHTER
19:04So you just do it doggies-style, do you?
19:06LAUGHTER
19:06Mark Obama,
19:08you're saying she won't let you bury her bone any more?
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13You've got...
19:14real dog breath. How did you two meet? Dogging? Mate, I think you should leave her, she's a bitch.
19:27Well, let's see you two have made up now, so that'll be Ā£500, please.
19:34Okay, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:38APPLAUSE
19:43Uh, Rob, how many? Six. Catherine, how many? Six. Six, okay.
19:49Judy? Six. John, how many? Seven. Seven, okay. Rob, what's your six? Aliens.
19:54Catherine, your six? Claws. Okay. Oh, nice. Judy, your six? I had uncles.
19:59All right, John, for the win, your seven. Uh, glances.
20:05Oh, wow. He really did, isn't he? Seven points to John.
20:11Uh, Susie, could they have done you better? You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:16So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:20APPLAUSE
20:22On to our first numbers round. Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:27Uh... No, just do what you want. Ten. You can have up to four big ones.
20:32Yeah. And then the rest little ones. So, I'll pick...
20:37Ten. No. What numbers?
20:41Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:44So, you get to say two big or three big or four big.
20:47OK, so, three big ones. Three big ones. Oh. And how many?
20:51Four. I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:54Four, four small ones. Shall we go for three small ones?
20:57Yeah, three. How many numbers can we pick all together? Six?
21:00Six? It's changed.
21:01Has that changed? They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair. They haven't changed the fucking game.
21:11It was different last time when I was picking numbers.
21:15It's exactly... You predicted the future tonight. You didn't see this coming.
21:18Yeah. OK, three small ones. Seven, nine and ten. You've got your ten.
21:25And the big ones. Fifty, twenty-five and one hundred.
21:29Oh, yes! I remember that.
21:31112. OK, your target is 112. Your time starts now.
21:36Do you have to use it?
21:36I'm sorry.
21:37I'm first.
21:38I'm sorry.
21:41Right, I'm going to do it.
21:43It's okay.
21:46Oh, I know.
21:47Yeah.
22:05It's saved my life.
22:07OK.
22:08Woo!
22:08No-one else!
22:09Yes!
22:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:14We've done it right!
22:17Rob, did you get it?
22:19Yeah!
22:20First time ever.
22:22Really quick.
22:23Can I check, you don't have to use all the numbers, do you?
22:26Yes.
22:27OK.
22:28We don't have to use all the numbers!
22:31Judy!
22:34Judy!
22:35Did you get it?
22:36Well, if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers,
22:39of course I would have bloody got it!
22:41I would have got it!
22:42I got 99!
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46Josh, take a hand!
22:49LAUGHTER
22:52Yeah!
22:53Shut it out!
22:54So I did...
22:56Oh, did you get less than 100?
22:58LAUGHTER
22:59There's a fucking 100 there!
23:02100 take away 50 equals 50.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07Take away 25 equals 25.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:11And then 25 take away 10 left 15.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:15And then...
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17Added 15 to 100 was 115.
23:22Oh, my God!
23:22And then I added 7 and 9, which was 16.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:26And took away 16 from 115, which was 99!
23:32APPLAUSE
23:38Wow!
23:39Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:45Wow!
23:47Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56Wow!
23:56Catherine, did you get it?
23:56LAUGHTER
23:58Plus 10 is 12.
23:59Plus 100 is 112.
24:01Yep.
24:02APPLAUSE
24:03Oh!
24:05I thought that would happen.
24:06Um, John, did you get it?
24:08I did 50 over 10, plus 7 for the 12.
24:11Yeah, that'll do.
24:12Nice.
24:1210 points for both teams.
24:14APPLAUSE
24:15And here is your teaser.
24:17The words are...
24:18WANG SIGHT.
24:19The clue is...
24:20Is it hot in here?
24:20That's WANG SIGHT.
24:22Is it hot in here?
24:23See you after the break.
24:25APPLAUSE
24:40Welcome back.
24:41The answer to the teaser, the words were...
24:43WANG SIGHT.
24:43The clue was...
24:44Is it hot in here?
24:45It was, of course, sweating.
24:47OK, so John and Judy are in the lead.
24:49They've been playing in teams so far,
24:51but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:53Huh?
24:54So, Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
24:56VAL.
24:57Yep.
24:58Nailed it.
24:58E.
24:59Consonant.
25:00T.
25:01Consonant.
25:03John, while this is...
25:04While this is going on, we should probably...
25:06VAL.
25:06A.
25:07VAL.
25:08I've put just Pilates.
25:09Oh, yeah, great.
25:11VAL.
25:11Shall we?
25:12Yeah, we should...
25:13O.
25:14Continent.
25:15T.
25:15Continent.
25:16It's not that I'm not interested.
25:17I just think this is going to be shit.
25:20VAL.
25:20I might just do it.
25:21If I go...
25:22And...
25:22E.
25:24I've actually only hired one machine,
25:25so we'll both have to go on at the same time.
25:27So if you go there...
25:28Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that.
25:29Yeah.
25:32Was it lentils again, was it?
25:35OK, your time starts...
25:38Now.
25:38Just...
25:39Can you feel the burn?
25:44Yeah.
25:52Yeah
25:56Yeah.
26:01Peopleatt's Bei
26:02Yeah.
26:07making paper
26:08Can you feel the pain, yeah?
26:18So, John, do you mind if I just take the tip out?
26:24I've got tear, if that's anything.
26:27Judy, love, have you got your phone out?
26:29I was just checking the spelling.
26:34Sorry, sorry, John, do you...
26:36Oh!
26:40Is that reformed Pilates?
26:43It's amazing!
26:45It's really good.
26:46I liked it, yeah, but it's nice to be intimate.
26:49Judy, how many? Five, six.
26:53Five, six, OK.
26:54Rob, how many did you get? OK, we're behind.
26:56I've got a solid six, but I'm just going in for a seven.
27:00OK, all right, so, Judy, what is your six?
27:03I've got stereo.
27:05There's two E's, the stereo.
27:07What, sorry?
27:08There's two E's here, right?
27:09Yeah, there are two E's, sorry.
27:10Yeah, yeah.
27:12The tables have turned.
27:17I'm sorry to have to do this, but, um, you're fired.
27:20Yeah.
27:22Anyway, sorry, stereo, very good.
27:26Rob, you're risky seven.
27:28Yeah, well...
27:29Can you...
27:30First of all, I'm fucked up.
27:34Because it was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E.
27:41What else are risky seven?
27:43Oh, no.
27:45Tee-tees.
27:47What?
27:48Tee-tees.
27:49Tee-tees.
27:49Tee-tees.
27:50I've got a place as a backup for seven, if that's allowed.
27:52No, it's just Rob.
27:53No, OK.
27:56Erm, Tee-tees not in, but Tree-tees.
28:01Tree-tees.
28:01It didn't say Tree-tees.
28:02Fucking no-one had it there.
28:04Sixth prick!
28:10Six points to Judy Lush.
28:14Susie Spencer, could they have done any better?
28:16Toastier for eight.
28:18Tee-tees for eight.
28:19And Tee-tees for eight.
28:20Right, now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head.
28:23Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
28:25You've got to pick a big number.
28:28Can I have two big ones and four small ones, please?
28:34Because two plus four equals six.
28:37Judy, write that down, it might come in handy later.
28:40Four little ones.
28:41We have ten, six, five, four, and then your big two.
28:46Fifty and twenty-five.
28:47Can you tell me, help me, please?
28:49And the target, 223.
28:51I feel sick.
28:51OK, and your time starts now.
29:01Oh my God, please.
29:04Oh my God.
29:05Oh my God.
29:06Oh my God, please.
29:08Oh my God.
29:09Oh.
29:24OK, so your target was 223.
29:28John, did you get it?
29:30224.
29:30A little bit disappointed.
29:32Catherine, did you get it?
29:33Oh, 224.
29:35But I was very pleased with that.
29:37You also got 224.
29:38OK, all right, how did you get it?
29:40That's what I was going for.
29:4125 times 10.
29:4325 times 250.
29:445 times 4.
29:45Oh, you got it.
29:465 times 4, which is 20.
29:485 times 4, 20.
29:50Take away 20 from 250, and then 230 minus 6.
29:54Yeah, 224 went away.
29:55John, how would you have done it had you not been an idiot?
29:58If I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace.
30:0350 times 4 is 200.
30:06200.
30:07Add 25.
30:082, 2, 5.
30:09And then 10 over 5 is 2.
30:10Yeah, well done.
30:15So, John, you didn't get it in time, so seven points for both teams.
30:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner.
30:22Spencer, what have you got for us?
30:24Well, when I was younger, my nan and grandad had a really, really aggressive parrot called
30:34Bobby.
30:34And Bobby was ringside for every single argument my nan and grandad ever had.
30:39And he learned a lot of their swear words.
30:41So, I'm going to show you Bobby right now.
30:43But firstly, I've got to put this here, like that.
30:46And...
30:47Like that.
30:48Sure.
30:48Like that.
30:50Yeah.
30:51You're going to work, Dad?
30:52Yeah.
30:52I'm going to work.
30:53Yeah.
30:55And so, that's like that, yeah?
30:57And then you grab that.
31:00Yeah.
31:01Like that.
31:02Yeah.
31:04Like that.
31:04Yeah, like that.
31:05Like that.
31:20Every day looking at these walls
31:25But no one hears my calls
31:30Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:32Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:34They ask me all the time
31:37They're always asking me
31:41Holding this together
31:46That's a whole lot of feathers
31:51Oi! Stop that, you dirty bugger
31:55Stop that, Derek
31:56No, no, no, that's not my milk
32:00That's my milk
32:01No, you can't part there
32:03No, stop it, that is not my smell
32:06I did not fart
32:08Can't part there, can't part there
32:11Stop it, Derek
32:12I thought it'd be dead by now
32:13Anyway, that's that bit
32:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:19Spencer Jones, everyone
32:22And here's your teaser
32:23The words are arse knob
32:25The clue is thank you, my lady
32:27That's arse knob
32:28Thank you, my lady
32:29See you after the break
32:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:46Welcome back
32:46The answer to the teaser
32:47The words were arse knob
32:49The clue was thank you, my lady
32:51It was, of course
32:53Baroness
32:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:58Well done
32:59If you could do it
33:00Well, we can score some fucking points
33:02It might be helpful
33:03Now, the keen-eyed viewer
33:05Might have noticed
33:06That I've added an extra player
33:08It's because Rob and Catherine
33:09Are lagging behind
33:11So I thought
33:12I'll give you an extra team member
33:13Please welcome everyone
33:14Comedian John Totill
33:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:18Very good to have you, John
33:19John Totill
33:20It looks like if you asked AI
33:22To draw a picture of Henry VIII
33:23Before he let himself go
33:25LAUGHTER
33:26I think I look a bit like
33:28Your long-lost son
33:29Oh, my God
33:30LAUGHTER
33:32We don't look like a family
33:34Yeah, absolutely
33:35Hello, darling
33:37I don't know how I feel like
33:40I'm being dragged into the gingers
33:41To be honest with you
33:43How old are you?
33:44I am almost Yorick
33:46I'm 28
33:47How old are you?
33:48Almost his age?
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52LAUGHTER
33:53Wow
33:53How old are you?
33:55Come on here, Bob
33:5539
33:56So, actually, from where I'm from
33:57Old enough
34:01So, John, welcome to the show
34:03Now, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right, yeah
34:05I used to work in a primary school
34:06I'm slightly worried that I've been brought on here
34:08To support the losing team
34:10But I was not a good teacher
34:11I was, I mean, a really bad
34:13I was, in the words of one of my own students
34:14A dogshit teacher
34:15LAUGHTER
34:16I taught year four
34:18So they were nine
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:21No
34:22Oh, sorry
34:23I really, I can't do a countdown
34:24I really can't
34:25I can't even count down
34:26Do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting?
34:28Counting up
34:28You should see me counting up
34:29Fucking hell
34:29One, two, three
34:30I could go on
34:32LAUGHTER
34:33You only practised once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:36That's it
34:36Well, no, I used to practise in wet play
34:37Wet play?
34:38Yeah, with the kids
34:38Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play
34:40LAUGHTER
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age
34:44Wet play is a good word
34:47LAUGHTER
34:48LAUGHTER
34:49John, have you got a mask around?
34:50John, have you got a mask around?
34:50I do, yes, yes
34:51This is my clarinet
34:53Oh!
34:53Now, there you go
34:54I don't make much sense as a person unless you know that all I did for the first 18 years
35:01of my life
35:02I know
35:02Was practised clarinet
35:03Wow
35:03Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything, but between you and me, I am what you would call
35:09Seriously good at the clarinet
35:10Wow
35:10And you know that's true, because why would I lie about that?
35:14LAUGHTER
35:14I'm not coming here going, the thing is guys, I'm really good in bed
35:17I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever
35:18What I'm really good at is the clarinet
35:21You wouldn't lie about it with a clarinet in your hand
35:24LAUGHTER
35:25You don't whip that out for wet play, do you?
35:30Can we get a little sample of this?
35:32Of course, of course you can
35:45Do you know what I mean?
35:46Wow
35:47APPLAUSE
35:50Beautiful!
35:51Beautiful!
35:52Beautiful!
35:52Yeah, it's all right
35:53It is a matter of dry, though
35:54Thank you, look at it
35:55Beautiful!
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house
35:58LAUGHTER
36:00We're going to fuck you up
36:01John Totill
36:02LAUGHTER
36:04Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet
36:06Wait till he gets on a biro
36:07LAUGHTER
36:08OK, John Totill, your turn to pick the letters
36:11Oh, great, OK
36:12Could I please have a vowel?
36:14Yes
36:14I was already more confident than us, apparently
36:16O
36:16Could I have a consonant?
36:18M
36:18Another consonant, please
36:19D
36:20Vowel, please
36:21I feel so confident with this guy
36:22I feel really safe
36:23Yeah
36:25Another vowel, please
36:27A
36:28Could I have a consonant, please?
36:30T
36:30Another consonant
36:32N
36:33A consonant, please
36:34T
36:34And one last vowel, please
36:36And
36:37Thank you
36:37An E
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go
36:42I thought it was a song to me
36:42Yeah
36:44LAUGHTER
36:46Absolutely, yeah
36:46OK, and your time starts
36:48A two, three, four
36:49Now
37:09Oh, gosh
37:10It's really hard
37:11It's really hard
37:12Can you stop?
37:14Don't stop
37:32Don't stop
37:33Yeah
37:34Catherine, you've got
37:34Seven
37:35Judy?
37:36Seven
37:36How many?
37:37Six, five, four, four, five
37:39Five
37:40I've got a name
37:41Dante
37:43Nice, classy
37:45Thank you
37:45Dante
37:45OK, John, how many?
37:48We're all having fun over it
37:49I think we've done well
37:50You slide your eight in
37:51What's your eight?
37:53I did that on the pilates earlier
37:56Catherine, what's your word?
37:58Tainted
37:58Tainted
37:59Oh, nice
38:01Rob, you're seven
38:02Tainted
38:02Touch me, baby
38:04Look at
38:04Ew
38:04Do you know what?
38:06Do you know what?
38:07I love John Richard
38:08Lovely guy
38:09But when he's winning
38:10This little weasel comes out
38:13OK, John, what is your eight?
38:16Dominate
38:17Oh
38:17Oh
38:19OK, so that's eight points to John
38:21OK, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
38:24Not any better
38:25We've got two other eights
38:26Antidote
38:27And a word I've never heard before
38:29Tomateen
38:29Tomateen
38:30Tomateen
38:31Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes
38:32So, at the end of that
38:33John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points
38:37APPLAUSE
38:41Time once again to cross to Dictionary Corner
38:43Spencer, what have you got for us?
38:46Um, well, currently I'm a bit skint
38:47But eventually you get paid and you go from
38:49I'm just going to have binge and toast tonight
38:51To this guy
38:55Just been paid, didn't I?
38:58Put your money away, mate, I'll get these
39:01Uh, twelve Zambucas please, mate
39:03Does anyone else want twelve Zambucas?
39:05They're all for me!
39:06While you've been skint
39:07You've been having a little look online
39:09You might have been having a look at a new laptop, Susie
39:11Um, but that little voice in your head
39:13Once you start it
39:14Starts to get louder and louder
39:16Starts going
39:17I'm going to buy Stebladder
39:20It's useful
39:23Heelys
39:24In my size
39:28So I bought that
39:35You know like everyone's got a rap song
39:37That they swear they know the words to
39:39But they don't know the words
39:41You know that song, they don't know the words
39:42They just know how every word sounds
39:44Happens in the car with me
39:45A rap song will come and I'll go
39:46Kids, I know this one from back in the day
39:48They don't know the words
39:48Just make up the words
39:49Just like
40:17And here is your final teaser.
40:19The words are Rob's poll, the clue is try and keep a straight face.
40:23That's Rob's poll, try and keep a straight face.
40:25See you after the break.
40:40Welcome back.
40:40The answer to the teaser, the words were Rob's poll,
40:43the clue was try and keep a straight face.
40:44It was, of course, bloopers.
40:46OK, time for our final letters game.
40:48John and Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
40:50Go on, King. Late.
40:52Wow.
40:54Daddy's got this.
40:56Daddy!
40:59Well, you've ruined that.
41:02Jimmy's getting his gloves on.
41:05You ready for Daddy?
41:09That's how he eats a sandwich, fucking serial killer.
41:15May I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
41:18You may.
41:19N.
41:20And a vowel, please.
41:23O.
41:24Got two words.
41:26Too low.
41:28Too low.
41:29And we're going to stick, thank you.
41:32A consonant, please.
41:34L.
41:35And a vowel, please.
41:38U.
41:38And a consonant, please.
41:40R.
41:41A vowel, please.
41:43E.
41:44And a consonant, please.
41:46Q.
41:46OK, while you do that, I've got a patient to see.
41:48A consonant, please.
41:51K.
41:52Oh, these are awful.
41:54A consonant, please.
41:57And a final G.
41:58Oh, dear.
41:59F***ing hell.
42:01OK, next.
42:03Oh, you again.
42:07With the dog breath, how's the missus?
42:10OK, aren't you going to brush your little teeth-ins?
42:12OK, your time starts now.
42:15Yeah.
42:18You OK?
42:18How are your canines?
42:20Such a good boy.
42:23You want to brush?
42:24Brush, brush?
42:24I don't want one else.
42:26It's nice, isn't it?
42:38Yeah, I don't know.
42:39Yeah.
42:39MUSIC PLAYS
42:47APPLAUSE
42:48Robbie, is this your dog?
42:50Yeah.
42:52Kerta, could you give me a smile there?
42:53Because it's quite a...
42:55LAUGHTER
42:57APPLAUSE
42:58It's quite a resemblance.
43:00Go on, you've got a mummy.
43:04Catherine, John, Rob, how many?
43:06I've got a five.
43:08OK, John?
43:08I've got a three.
43:10I'll let you down.
43:10Sorry.
43:10A three?
43:11Catherine, how many?
43:12I've got seven, Jimmy.
43:13OK.
43:14Judy, how many?
43:15Surprisingly, two.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:17We've got a seven.
43:19Judy and I...
43:20LAUGHTER
43:22..we've got a seven, yeah.
43:23Judy, what's your two?
43:26LAUGHTER
43:28Um, John, what's your...?
43:30Noor.
43:31N-O-R.
43:32Noor.
43:33Noor.
43:34Noor.
43:34Yeah, Rob?
43:35Loner.
43:36Loner.
43:37Very good.
43:37John, your seven?
43:38I want to hear us.
43:39I want to hear...
43:40Traditionally on the show, you go with the risky one first.
43:42OK, all right, let's go with it.
43:43But no, I don't give a shit, cos I'm just...
43:45Do you not give a shit, or are you really annoyed?
43:47I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:50LAUGHTER
43:56Lounger.
43:57Catherine, is that your seven?
43:58Well, similar.
43:59I've got longer, but I don't...
44:02Oh, lovely.
44:03I think you need two U's for that.
44:05So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:07Seven points to John.
44:10APPLAUSE
44:15Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:17No, Lounger was ours as well.
44:19Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:23we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:27LAUGHTER
44:27I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:33OK, fingers on buzzers.
44:34It's time for today's 29-point...
44:38..countdown conundrum.
44:39She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:41LAUGHTER
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer,
44:44cos we don't think you're going to need it.
44:46LAUGHTER
44:48OK, fingers on buzzers.
44:49It's time for today's crucial countdown conundrum.
44:52Your time starts...
44:53Go on, John.
44:54At least look.
44:56Oh.
44:58Oh, you're joking.
44:59Oh, no.
45:01I haven't got it.
45:02Let's restart that.
45:04MUSIC
45:11Oh.
45:14It's not a good sound.
45:15It's not a good sound.
45:15Absolutely wrong.
45:16Wrong.
45:17Oh.
45:18It's not a good sound.
45:19Don't take...
45:20BUZZER
45:20Foreigner.
45:21LAUGHTER
45:23I can't shout that, anyway.
45:30Let's have a look and see if Judy Love has got the conundrum.
45:35CHEERING
45:39So, the, er...
45:42The final scores are...
45:44Rob and Catherine and John have 17 points.
45:47John and Judy have 74.
45:51CHEERING
45:52CHEERING
45:54LAUGHTER
45:55LAUGHTER
45:57LAUGHTER
45:58Judy, fucking sit down!
46:00No, I can't!
46:02LAUGHTER
46:06LAUGHTER
46:07APPLAUSE
46:12LAUGHTER
46:13LAUGHTER
46:17APPLAUSE
46:23Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:26all of you for watching, though.
46:27That's it from us.
46:28Good night!
46:29CHEERING
46:30CHEERING
46:47AND APPLAUSE
46:51APPLAUSE
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