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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - 2022 Christmas Special - 23 December 2022 [Full Movie] [Must See]Full EP - Full
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00:30Tonight, on the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, Chad Richardson, Lee Mack, Jack Dean, Rose Matafeo,
00:45Stevie Martin, Suzy Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jim T. Carl.
00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello and welcome to the 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Christmas Specials, a show about letters, numbers, conundrums
01:04and Christmas!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:08OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's team captain John Richardson.
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16Christmas can be dangerous for John. Last year we had eight inches of snow and we nearly lost him.
01:21LAUGHTER
01:23It's not true, it was a very mild Christmas.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:26Don't mind the gag about me being short, but get the weather right.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:30And joining John tonight is Jack Dee!
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:35Jack Dee has the look of a kid who wanted a PlayStation and has just unwrapped a turd.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41You bring back bad memories of my childhood when you say stuff like that.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:45Up against them this evening, it's guest, team captain Lee Mack.
01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:09Rose is from New Zealand, which is, according to Google, 11,650 miles away.
02:14Got to admire that commitment, Rose. The furthest I go to avoid my family at Christmas is just to walk
02:18to the bottom of the garden.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20That is roughly 11,000 miles, though, isn't it, your garden?
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25Lee, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
02:27Oh, you know, Jimmy, the usual, just letting me face age naturally, keeping me teeth a normal colour and not
02:32upsetting Netflix viewers.
02:33What have you been up to?
02:36LAUGHTER
02:41We're doing the quiz show on ITV, the 1% Club, which obviously tests intelligence.
02:46And someone watches it.
02:49We found it, Lee.
02:50We found it.
02:52What do you give away on the 1% Club? What's the biggest price?
02:54Up to £100,000.
02:55What's the most you've given away?
02:57Er, £48.
03:00We have given away almost £100.
03:02We're giving away 90-something, like 97 or something, yeah.
03:05Can I come on it?
03:06Er, not really, Jack, because, er, you're in entertainment.
03:08You're already a member of the 1% Club.
03:12Last Christmas, I could do a 97 grand.
03:14Pay my gas bill.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17I would have thought you'd get a grant, Jack.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:20OK.
03:21Rose, you a big fan of Christmas?
03:22No, I hate it.
03:24I don't really like it.
03:25That got a really bad response in the room, actually.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27Are you guys fans of Christmas?
03:29Woo!
03:30OK, that was 20 of you, actually.
03:32I think people in the audience are probably, you know,
03:34when you said, I'm not a big fan of Christmas,
03:35because it's, I think, if I'm not mistaken,
03:37Jesus is actually in the crowd.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39Oh, my God.
03:40Oh, yeah.
03:41APPLAUSE
03:44Come on.
03:44Happy birthday to you!
03:48Happy birthday to you!
03:52Happy birthday, dear Jesus!
03:56Happy birthday to you!
04:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:052022 years old, he must have the same hair surgeon as you.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11I like the fact we still have the camera trained on Jesus.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15In case he performs a miracle.
04:17I think we'll be OK.
04:18Do I get paid?
04:19What do we...?
04:20Do I get paid?
04:20Typical Jesus.
04:21Typical...
04:23Typical Jesus.
04:24All right, Jack.
04:28All right, best and worst gift you've ever received?
04:30Gift?
04:31Yeah.
04:31Oh, my God.
04:32The worst present, I think, is those charity presents
04:35you ever get given...
04:36Ooh!
04:36You know when they...
04:37I got contacted by some TV production company,
04:40and they go,
04:41Oh, instead of presents this year,
04:44we've given you a goat,
04:46but we've sent it to a village in Africa.
04:49And I said,
04:50Well, thank you,
04:51but that's not where I live.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54And it has a happy ending,
04:56because I went out to Africa with comic relief,
04:59and it so happens I went to the village where they sent the goat.
05:02Oh.
05:02And I did a, you know,
05:03a chat with them and everything,
05:04and found out how terrible things were.
05:07Erm,
05:07and at the end I was able to say,
05:08thank you for that,
05:10unfortunately,
05:11the goat,
05:12lucky,
05:12he's coming back with me,
05:14because...
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Come on, off your goat.
05:16Yeah, yeah.
05:17He's mine.
05:19What's the best thing you ever got?
05:21I got given a shredder one year,
05:22which is good.
05:23Oh, I imagine you'd love a shredder.
05:25Yeah.
05:25I love a shredder.
05:25It's great for the cards,
05:27all the Christmas cards, straight in.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:29I just strap it to the letter box,
05:31and when the postman comes,
05:33they go straight in.
05:33Pfff!
05:34Into the shredder.
05:36Who has ever had a card from someone
05:38you have no idea who they are?
05:40Oh, yeah.
05:41Really?
05:41I send those.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45It's my hobby,
05:46I like to do it before Christmas.
05:48Make up, I go,
05:49Dear Lee, Happy Christmas,
05:50love from Joan and Eric.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:53Well, that wouldn't work,
05:55cos Joan and Eric are my mum and dad.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:57Like you get a card from your mum and dad.
05:59I don't, actually, Jack,
06:00cos they're dead.
06:01Thanks for that.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:04Keep it light, keep it light, come on.
06:07Um...
06:07Lee, have you got a mascot?
06:09Yeah.
06:09What have you brought?
06:10I brought this,
06:11because I was at home thinking,
06:12what am I going to use as a mascot, you know?
06:15And I sat there this morning,
06:15and then it suddenly dawned on me.
06:17I looked in the corner of the room,
06:18and I looked on top of the Christmas tree,
06:20which was odd,
06:21because, er,
06:22despite the bullshit you're telling everyone,
06:23it is September the 5th.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28LAUGHTER
06:32And I took...
06:34I took this little thing off the tree, like that.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37And I thought to myself,
06:38that's the perfect lucky mascot for me,
06:40cos I've had that on my tree for 25, 30 years,
06:43and I think of all the luck I've had during that time,
06:45you know.
06:45In that time, I got married.
06:47Er, three lovely kids.
06:49Er, we got four,
06:50but one of them's a bit, you know.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53I've, er...
06:54I've had a decent career,
06:55but I've worked with some of the greatest minds in television.
06:58Susie.
06:58Rachel.
07:00Yep.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02I've won awards.
07:04Well, some would say not deserved.
07:06Er, the MOBO springs to mind.
07:09Er...
07:10Bronze medal in the Paralympics.
07:11But, er...
07:12You know, if they're not going to ask for a doctor's note,
07:14people are going to abuse it, aren't they?
07:17LAUGHTER
07:22Rose, have you got a mascot?
07:23Oh, I do, I do.
07:24It's a bit of me, actually,
07:25because I said that I wasn't a huge fan of Christmas,
07:27but what I do love is Christmas crafts,
07:30and a fun thing I like to do
07:32is I make my own Christmas crackers.
07:34And what I've found is that Christmas crackers
07:35are an amazing sort of receptacle
07:37for lots of different things,
07:39like not just party favours and all that.
07:41You can put anything in a Christmas cracker.
07:44So, do you want to see what's in somebody's cracker?
07:46Yes.
07:46So, um, this one's a bit of fun.
07:47So, don't get scared.
07:48Don't get scared.
07:50That's, um...
07:50This is, um, divorce papers.
07:54Um...
07:54Which is a great festive way to serve your partner
07:58with, uh, papers this year.
08:00What else have we got?
08:01Oh, this is a good one.
08:01Let's go with this one.
08:03OK.
08:04Um, there we go.
08:05No bang.
08:06That's just a bit ham.
08:07Oh.
08:09Um...
08:10For the lady who has everything.
08:13Um, and the last one.
08:14Are you going to just leave it there?
08:15You're not going to put it in your handbag?
08:16No.
08:17I don't have a handbag.
08:18Oh, a handbag.
08:19A handbag.
08:26A handbag.
08:28OK, are we going to do the last one?
08:29Yes, please.
08:30This is my favourite one, I think.
08:31Um, and that is, um...
08:32That's...
08:33Um, Grandpa's Ashes.
08:34So...
08:38It's what he would have wanted.
08:40Do you think you'll be cremated, Jimmy?
08:41Uh, no.
08:42I think it would be very dangerous
08:43to put this amount of plastic near a fire.
08:48Jack, have you got a mascot?
08:50Should you bring anything with you for good luck?
08:51I started a new hobby in...
08:53in, uh...
08:54Countdown.
08:54Lockdown.
08:55Just had to do something to, you know, just...
08:58Something positive.
08:59And I got into bonsai trees.
09:00Right.
09:01I'd started with collecting, um, full-size trees.
09:06But you soon run out of space.
09:08So then I discovered bonsai, um,
09:11which is Japanese for last-minute present.
09:16And, uh, I brought my favourite one along.
09:19Right.
09:19And they said, oh, will you bring it in?
09:21And I said, no, because it could get damaged.
09:23They said, we'll be...
09:23We'll take real care of it.
09:25So, anyway, it's here.
09:26I'll show you it.
09:27Ta-da!
09:28I am proud of this.
09:29It's a beautiful thing.
09:30It's been by the dock...
09:32door out there for a bit.
09:34But it should be...
09:34There we are.
09:35There we go.
09:36There we go, sir.
09:37What?
09:38What's happened to it?
09:40Oh, my God.
09:41Why is it, Jack?
09:41It's...
09:42Well, it's got little bags of dog shit or whatever.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47That's unbelievable, that.
09:49That's just...
09:51Oh...
09:53What stops that growing into a full-size tree, Jack?
09:56Well, it's fucking bonsai, isn't it?
10:00Everything has its natural stopping point for growing.
10:03Otherwise, you'd get nine-foot Dachshunds.
10:05You know, you know?
10:07Trees...
10:07It's not my niece does bonsai tree.
10:08That isn't true.
10:09You have to keep snipping them.
10:10And you can actually have a very small lemon tree
10:12with a massive lemon growing on it.
10:14Don't listen to him.
10:15He doesn't know what he's talking about.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:17Do you want another fact?
10:18My full name is John Zye Richardson.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:25John.
10:25Is that waistcoat...
10:26Is it new?
10:27It feels like it's not quite the right size for you.
10:30It's the right size for me, but I am not the right size for me.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:35Have you had a good year?
10:36Have you had a good 2022?
10:38Er...
10:38Yeah.
10:39I mean, October...
10:42Absolutely brilliant.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45APPLAUSE
10:48What happened in October?
10:51Just remind me, what was in the news in October?
10:53You went to prison for that thing you did.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:58Well, out again by Christmas.
11:00Can't believe my luck.
11:02John, have you got a mascot?
11:03What have you brought?
11:04Well, what I've done...
11:05Cos it's Christmas, and I'm quite a traditionalist at heart,
11:08so every Christmas Eve we read the night before Christmas.
11:11And it used to be my dad would read it,
11:13and now my daughter's reached an age where I read it to her.
11:15It's lovely, isn't it?
11:16But it's a bit sort of middle-class and a bit dated.
11:19So I've sort of updated
11:21Twas the night before Christmas.
11:23And the first thing I've done, it's just called
11:25It was the night before Christmas.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:27Cos no-one says twas any more, apart from it-whats.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33So this is like a modern version.
11:37It was the night before Christmas when all through the house,
11:40no bastard was sleeping, not even the mouse.
11:43The stockings were hung on the door handle with care,
11:46cos we were both too tired and pissed to go in there.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:49The children were fighting over tangfastics in bed,
11:53while visions of singledom danced in our heads.
11:55And Mama in her onesie and I in my gown
11:58were furiously rapping and glugging wine down.
12:01When out in the road there arose such a clatter,
12:04I turned down the telly to see what was the matter.
12:07Away to the window she flew like a flash,
12:09her onesie dropped open and they all saw her gash.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:16There was some good wordplay leading up to that.
12:19Yeah, I like the clatter and matter.
12:20Yeah.
12:21But they preferred gash.
12:23I joined her while necking my warm air.
12:26Handled eyes did appear,
12:28but Boris fucking Johnson, after a day on the beers,
12:31he fell and crashed like the pound.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35He pissed on the Christmas tree and smashed all the kids' toys.
12:38He sprayed on the wall up the Bullingdon boys.
12:40He snatched the mince pies and laughed while he was eating.
12:44It's sort of my fault, you can't afford eating.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49Sprang to his sleigh, a Brexit-themed boss,
12:52and written down the side,
12:54good fucking luck with Liz Truss.
12:57APPLAUSE
12:58Merry Christmas, sir.
13:02Over in the dictionary corner, it's Stevie Martin!
13:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:09Stevie says she once made her sister cry on Christmas.
13:11Begs the question, Stevie,
13:12why did you buy your sister a Susie Dent book?
13:15LAUGHTER
13:16Honestly, I've got no idea what we're talking about.
13:18Go on.
13:19It's me.
13:20You're Susie Dent?
13:21Yes.
13:21Oh, thanks.
13:23That's my favourite thing that's ever happened.
13:27APPLAUSE
13:29It's your first time on the show.
13:30Tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:31Is it?
13:31Yeah, no, sure, why not?
13:33I think the dictionary corner is in quite a good place with me on it,
13:37even though what I just said there.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:40Because I do sort of, like, online stuff.
13:42That's my vibe.
13:43Yeah, I mean, I'm not just, like, an online comedian.
13:45I actually trained and worked for years as a journalist-ian.
13:49So, erm...
13:51LAUGHTER
13:51I know what a word is.
13:53Like, I guess I know what, like, a simile is.
13:55If you don't, erm...
13:57A simile...
13:58A simile is just when something is like something else.
14:01Yeah.
14:01Right.
14:02So, for example, erm...
14:03The moon is, like, in space.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:10And with Stevie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:18If you ask, Susie could spend hours telling you about the derivations
14:21of Christmas words such as Noel and Yuletide,
14:23so whatever you do, don't ask.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27Susie, are there any interesting festive words?
14:29Yes.
14:30There are.
14:31OK, let's move on.
14:32In charge of...
14:33No, go on.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:35There's an old word for the hole in your belt
14:37that you have to resort to after Christmas lunch.
14:39That was called the Yule Hole, back in the 17th century.
14:43It's a great club.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:46Panthropy, desire to be away from other people.
14:51Erm...
14:52You've got to be a dick about it.
14:54What's...
14:54It's about my books, which...
14:57Your shitty books.
14:58LAUGHTER
14:59How's yours doing, Jimmy?
15:00What, the book?
15:01Yeah.
15:02Er...
15:03LAUGHTER
15:05APPLAUSE
15:06You know, Susie.
15:07This feels genuinely Christmassy now.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:14Hi, Rachel.
15:16Rachel loves a good Carol, especially when she's replacing her on Countdown.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:24Do Countdown fans send you Christmas presents?
15:27Well, there are two, actually, that send presents all the time.
15:31Christmas presents, birthday presents.
15:33They turn up my house with presents for the kids.
15:36But I find the word fans is a bit formal, isn't it?
15:39I prefer to just call them Mum and Dad.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42Thanks for reminding me you've got a Mum and Dad.
15:43Very nice of you.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:47OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
15:49the Countdown Christmas Bells.
15:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:55APPLAUSE
15:55Here we go.
15:58A
15:58A
15:58A
15:58PHONE RINGS
16:31PHONE RINGS
16:34APPLAUSE
16:39OK, let's count down every one time for the first game.
16:42Lee, Rose, you get the pick of the letters.
16:44Hey, Rachel, can we please have a consonant, Rachel?
16:46Thanks, Rose. L.
16:48Oh, it's a great start. Ooh, give me a vowel.
16:50Since it's Christmas, you don't want Noel.
16:52Vow.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55John Richardson.
16:58APPLAUSE
16:59Can we have a consonant? Yeah.
17:01T. We'll do another consonant.
17:03Yeah.
17:04W.
17:06Vowel, another vowel? Yeah.
17:07I.
17:08Another consonant.
17:09Yeah, another consonant.
17:10Oh, I don't know.
17:11Yeah. Let us know if we're going too fast.
17:12H.
17:15Consonant.
17:15Consonant.
17:16Please.
17:16Tea.
17:17Rachel, let's entertain people with a song while the clock is playing.
17:20OK.
17:21A little drummer boy?
17:22Sure.
17:23OK.
17:24All right, your time starts now.
17:26Well, let's go.
17:29Well, let's go.
17:42Well, let's go.
17:45She brings the rock-a-pum-pum.
17:48Rock-a-pum-pum.
17:49Rock-a-pum-pum.
17:52Rock-a-pum-pum.
17:52Oh, ho, ho, ho.
17:54Is it all?
17:57Can it be?
18:00Can it be?
18:01Can it be?
18:14I've got to get this elastic band off my nuts.
18:18Ali, how many letters?
18:20Seven.
18:21Seven?
18:22Seven?
18:23Yeah, don't talk to me like that.
18:24Well, it just, it seemed like a lot.
18:25Oh, I've misread my own handwriting, not seven.
18:27It's a one.
18:28One.
18:29It's a seven.
18:30Seven.
18:30I've got a seven as well.
18:31You've got a seven as well, OK.
18:33John?
18:33Yeah, I've got a seven.
18:34Of course you have.
18:35Well, if Jack's got a seven, I might say eight.
18:36All right, Jack, what have you got?
18:37I have got a seven as well.
18:38You've got a seven, OK.
18:39John, what have you got?
18:40I've got for an eight.
18:41OK.
18:42Is that the rules?
18:43Yeah, that is the rule, yeah.
18:44All right, I'll go for a nine.
18:48What's your nine-letter word?
18:49I'll go for a seven.
18:50OK.
18:51What's your seven, Lee?
18:52It's the very festive holiest.
18:55Holiest?
18:55Wow, nice.
18:56Rose?
18:57Whistle.
18:58Jack?
18:59Toilets.
18:59John, what was your eight?
19:00Tits hole.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03Er, no, there is no such thing as a tits hole.
19:06Seven points to both teams.
19:07Sure.
19:12Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
19:14There's an eight here.
19:16Whittles.
19:16On to our first numbers round.
19:18OK.
19:19John, Jack, you'll get to choose the numbers.
19:21One big one, five small ones, please.
19:22One big one.
19:23Five little ones.
19:24Two.
19:25Eight.
19:26Five.
19:27Four.
19:28Six.
19:28I've always noticed that about you.
19:30Why do you always start from the right and go to the left?
19:31Carol used to do it left to right.
19:33I used to like that.
19:35As if you've ever watched either of us do it.
19:39That's true.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41204.
19:42Your time starts now.
19:43MUSIC PLAYS
19:47MUSIC PLAYS
20:14So, the target was 204.
20:16Rose, did you get it?
20:17No, absolutely not.
20:19All right.
20:19Lee, did you get it?
20:20Keep talking to Rose.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:24203.
20:25John, did you get it?
20:26Yeah.
20:27Can I just say, I've been on this show quite a few times
20:28and your smugness isn't getting any better.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:31I don't know how to say it, though.
20:32How am I supposed to say it?
20:33OK.
20:33Let's try again.
20:35Non-smug.
20:36John, did you get it?
20:37Yeah.
20:38I don't know how you're supposed to say it.
20:40I'll tell you how you're supposed to say it.
20:41No, I didn't get it.
20:42Give other people a chance.
20:47202.
20:48OK.
20:48So, John, how did you get it?
20:508 times 4, minus 5, add 75.
20:54Ah, OK.
20:55There we go.
20:56Yep.
20:56102.
20:57And times by 2.
20:58Well done.
20:58Yeah.
20:59I mean, that's a really...
21:02That is...
21:03That is impressive what you can do with your mind, John.
21:08I'm very impressed.
21:09It's a shame it's come at such a price.
21:10I know.
21:11It's a shame I'm on a comedy show as well.
21:13I get so many tweets from people saying,
21:15you should go on the real one.
21:16And they either mean I'm clever or you're not funny.
21:18But either way...
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22Well, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose have 7 points.
21:25John and Jack are in the lead with 17.
21:28APPLAUSE
21:30And here is your teaser.
21:31The words are ice plops.
21:33The clue is give it a lick.
21:34That's ice plops.
21:35Give it a lick.
21:35See you after the break.
21:37APPLAUSE
21:51Welcome back.
21:52The answer to the teaser.
21:53The words were ice plops.
21:55The clue was give it a lick.
21:56It was, of course, Popsicle.
21:57They've been playing in teams so far.
21:59But this game is just for Lee and John.
22:01John, your turn to choose.
22:02A consonant, please.
22:04J.
22:05What if it's my name?
22:06All right, then.
22:07Vowel.
22:08E.
22:09It might still be your name, but the way Rose says it.
22:12Jick.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14Consonant.
22:15N.
22:16Ooh!
22:17Could be my auntie's name.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20She's still with us?
22:21She's still with us, yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Actually, I doubt it.
22:23She's probably turned over.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Consonant, please.
22:30F.
22:31Consonant.
22:33R.
22:33Vowel.
22:34These are shit, aren't they?
22:35U.
22:36Oh, John, you're happy.
22:37Absolute idiot.
22:39Consonant.
22:39How do I fix this?
22:41Y.
22:41Oh, my gosh.
22:43Let's go for a Q.
22:44Let's have a consonant.
22:47N.
22:47Oh, rubbish.
22:48Oh, yeah.
22:48And a final vowel.
22:50E.
22:51OK, your time starts.
22:53Now.
22:56Okay.
22:58Yup.
22:59OK.
23:07That's good.
23:09OK.
23:14OK.
23:16OK.
23:17OK.
23:18OK.
23:18OK.
23:19OK.
23:19OK.
23:19All right.
23:21OK.
23:21OK.
23:22OK.
23:22OK.
23:23like a big pig in a blanket I call it the impacted colon does anyone
23:31Rose you're from New Zealand I was worried you wouldn't have tasted
23:34traditional British Christmas fare so I've got you some things so I've got
23:39giant pigs in blankets Brussels sprouts chocolate triangle and some eggnog
23:44and he's giant everything came out a bit big I don't know the scale of this is
23:52too much I'm confused I feel like a borrower that's actually not too bad
23:58he's pretty good right no pretty good I got you I got you some gingerbread men
24:02because you you're all vegans aren't you that is a solid block of chocolate okay
24:10can you hear I'm just gonna yeah it's Christmassy though isn't it I mean you
24:16meant to indulge there's a hammer there foot yeah that's for you it's just more
24:34chocolate it'd be traditional in Great Britain to down the eggnog would be
24:37that's like a British thing that's too much milk for me it's a good no one's
24:52taken that one yeah that's too much milk for me oh gingerbreads quite nice actually it is I'm a cook
25:04I'm
25:05good I try some no okay what's your signature dish you're you're well we took we
25:12take it in turns to um to cook the turkey so last year I cooked it and then so so
25:18this year we're not gonna cook it raw what is that I have a pig in blanket it's a it's
25:30a pig in a
25:30blanket oh I heard you it's a whole pig on a blanket I'm sorry I'm eating it's next to a
25:37vegan I don't mind I
25:39just I'm not ethical vegan I just shit myself if I eat meat so I'm not cool I've had an
25:44idea for the
25:45finale of the show yeah we've got Stevie's catchphrase now as well okay John how many we were playing a
25:52game of
25:52countdown before all this a six a six okay Lee how many six John what's your six and
25:59insure insure insure Susie's not even interested look she's just eating what was that insure is insure
26:07a word oh insure is definitely a word yeah all right yeah sure can't even be asked to look it
26:11up can
26:11you Lee you're six and sure on proper countdown they'd hold up their bit of paper to show they're
26:20working to the person they got the same proper count down they got a proper host a proper count down
26:32you don't stop for fucking dinner no of course I didn't have insure what do you have juniors did
26:39you use that in a sentence well I don't know do you like are you ask me if I like
26:42going out in
26:44August or September ask me do you like going out in August or September neither I'm more of a
26:54Juno it's not it would have a capital letter anyway Lee what six points to John
27:02Stevie Susie could they have done any better no six is the best so you could have had Jersey
27:07unseen or nurse see what was the last one no see oh he's cool your nanny I was made by
27:13machines
27:13oh it's too much milk for me no see okay so the end of that Lee and Rose have seven
27:21points John and Jack
27:22are in the lead with 23 right now time for Rosie Jack to go head to head okay Rose your
27:31turn to pick
27:31the numbers oh Christ okay he has spoken to a big three small place I've got to see what the
27:46man says
27:47you'd think he wouldn't want to pick two by four
27:58all right we've got four three five two seventy five and one hundred and the target three eight five okay
28:09and
28:09your time starts now
28:36so the target was three eight five yeah Rose did you get it I got it I actually got it
28:45you did it oh three times a hundred three hundred two times five ten plus seventy five plus the three
28:55hundred yeah three five oh my good god I didn't write down the hundred yeah so I didn't write down
29:05the
29:05oh no so I was really in a sweat thinking this just can't be done
29:10I can do it surely Rachel could you do it without the hundred you just add two to the seventy
29:15five
29:15all right who cares okay time now to go across the dictionary corner Stevie what have you got for us
29:22just some hot tips to improve your online hygiene James okay doom scrolling is a thing you know you're
29:29scrolling through you feeling worse and worse when that happens you've just got to stop you've got to
29:33refocus so how do you refocus well you can do numerous things I like to find social media accounts
29:39that are quite motivational we've all seen these things are very helpful there's so much you can
29:44learn from other people you just listen you know and if like for some reason that hasn't worked and I'll
29:51just play a game that's really easy like you know like candy crush or cow toss just make really
29:55simple like that what's cow toss just we toss cows no sorry not like that obviously and you just wank
30:02them off
30:06other tips I guess like learn how to use emojis people don't use them properly and we can express so
30:12much more using emojis than we ever could using words I think you know I can say I'm happy I
30:17can say
30:17I'm sad sure but I could also say I'm Easter Island head and two fish flopping on a pole option
30:22some
30:24people are kind of concerned because we're starting to speak in emojis people say that's fire and I heart
30:30that and I know it makes linguists like yourself quite yellow sad bald man but
30:38if old Billiam Shakespeareington was here today and you know he'd be doing emoji plays he'd be
30:44innovating and you would pay to see emoji Macbeth it's more succinct emoji Romeo and Juliet I've
30:53only seen the Baz Luhrmann version so I'm not sure if I've ever seen even accurate but I have also
30:58seen that
30:59you're trying your best Jimmy and sort of my Christmas present to you I guess is I've created the
31:04jimoji which we can all use he laughed so hard he's cried
31:13it's also a crowd so hard tilted
31:19and here is your teaser the words are elf parps the clue is that wafts that's elf parps that wafts
31:29see
31:30you after the break welcome back the answer to the tease the words were elf parps the clue was that
31:46wafts
31:46it was of course flappers okay before we go on he's not been invited on the show but he's turned
31:51up
31:51anyway it's it's Joe Wilkinson
32:07beautiful hi Joe how's your Christmas been shite it's been shite
32:14quite a big dinner and turns out when I put weight on it goes on my ass which seems unfair
32:21and he had a
32:22couple of stuffing balls I don't want any stuffing balls mate look at my ass what's uh what's going on
32:34with Fabio shorts he had a big dinner as well and um turns out when he puts a bit of
32:39weight on it goes
32:40on his nob and balls
32:53oh lovely okay yeah bring on the cannon probably already guess what parlor game we're gonna play
32:59uh it's the parlor game where uh I'm shy of a cannon and uh the teams here have to guess
33:06how many
33:06members of the audience either knock unconscious or seriously hurt god I feel Christmassy now let's play
33:14parlor game come on let's play
33:26okay so Joe's getting into the cannon so uh Lee John how many of our studio audience do you think
33:32will be knocked unconscious uh I'm gonna go for nine I'll do the tactical prick thing and I'll
33:38go ten Joe are you ready I'm ready Jimmy
33:44OK, Fabianna, it's a parlour game.
33:47Light the fuse, you twat.
34:02Well, that went well.
34:08OK, yeah.
34:10My arse is rubbing against the side.
34:20My arse is slowing me down.
34:26Yeah.
34:37Yeah.
34:38We need a slightly larger cannon.
34:41Never mind, let's play cannon!
34:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:48OK, over the game.
34:50Just see if he can get to his feet.
34:51If he can't, it's not a disaster.
34:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:02OK, Lee, Rose, your turn to choose the letters.
35:04Consonant?
35:05R.
35:06Vowel?
35:08Ooh!
35:10Consonant?
35:11D.
35:13D.
35:13Consonant?
35:15M.
35:15Vowel?
35:16Vowel.
35:16Oh.
35:19I'll get it.
35:26Hyphen.
35:27Iphone.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:32I just saw a massive colon.
35:39We'll go for a consonant, please.
35:41You can have an in.
35:42And another consonant.
35:44In and out.
35:45I think a vowel and consonant, right?
35:47Yeah.
35:47Yeah.
35:51Are you?
35:53Fair play to you.
35:55OK, your time starts now.
35:59MUSIC PLAYS
36:24MUSIC PLAYS
36:27Lee, how many?
36:29Five.
36:30Rose?
36:30Seven.
36:32Ooh.
36:32John?
36:33Six.
36:34Jack?
36:34Six.
36:35Lee, you're five.
36:37Rubens?
36:37Jack, you're six.
36:39Unslim.
36:39What are you after Christmas?
36:41Kick a man when he's down.
36:42Unslim.
36:43LAUGHTER
36:45Susie, is it a word?
36:46OK.
36:47John, your six.
36:48Rounds.
36:49Rose, your seven-letter word.
36:50This is a total guess.
36:53Nimrods?
36:53Yes.
36:54Oh!
36:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:56Rounds matter fair!
36:58Seven points to Rose and Lee!
37:00Wow.
37:01What is a nimrod?
37:02It can mean either a really skilful hunter
37:05or someone who's a bit of a dork.
37:07And I was in no way inspired by the people around me.
37:10I will say that.
37:11Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
37:13Yes.
37:14For eight, they could have drumlins.
37:17What's that?
37:18Yes, they are low oval mounds.
37:20OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Rose are in the lead with 24 points.
37:25APPLAUSE
37:26OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
37:30Stevie Martin, any more advice for us?
37:33Yes, I do have some more advice for you.
37:35Learn how to take a selfie, please.
37:37We've had like a decade to get to grips with selfies
37:40and some people just still haven't figured it out.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:43That's fine.
37:45There are lots of different categories,
37:46lots of different types of selfies.
37:48So you've got your lift selfie,
37:50but you've got to make sure there's a mirror in the lift,
37:52otherwise it's not quite as effective.
37:54LAUGHTER
37:55You've got your unwealthy, had Covid,
37:57you've got your fucking healthy.
37:58It does happen.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:00That's all the different types of selfies there are.
38:02But how do you take a good one?
38:04Well, it's really hard.
38:05You know, the first time I tried, I blinked.
38:08One, you know, I was facing the wrong way.
38:11This one is too close.
38:13That one's too much kettle.
38:15And this one's just too much information,
38:17you've got to hold something back.
38:19You know?
38:19It's really important.
38:21What I learnt, though, is that you can just use a photo editing app.
38:25So, for example, I didn't just put this on Instagram,
38:27I don't know if you can see,
38:28but there's, like, little wispy hairs there.
38:29So I just face-tuned them out.
38:31You can't really tell the difference.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:37And here is your final teaser.
38:39The words are PEG Santa.
38:41The clue is bit showy.
38:43That's PEG Santa, bit showy.
38:44See you after the break.
38:46APPLAUSE
39:00Welcome back.
39:01The answer to the teaser, the words were PEG Santa.
39:03The clue was a bit showy.
39:05It was, of course, pageants.
39:07Could you stop twerking, please, Joe?
39:10LAUGHTER
39:12Are you honestly twerking, then?
39:14Ah, you can head off, now.
39:23It's the Christmas special, everyone.
39:26Before we go on, it's Christmas,
39:28so let's play a quick game of Pull My Cracker.
39:34OK.
39:35Here's how this works.
39:36I read the first line of some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
39:38All you have to do is buzz in when you think you know the punchline.
39:41Couldn't be easier. You ready?
39:42What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
39:46Thank fuck we're not turkeys.
39:50Hi, Jack?
39:51Um, well, happy Christmas to you, maybe.
39:54I'll give you that.
39:55Merry Christmas to you.
39:56That's the right answer.
39:56Yes, a point to Jack.
39:58OK.
40:00How does a snowman get to work?
40:03Lee?
40:04I didn't press the button.
40:05No, I did.
40:06Oh, go on.
40:06Jack, sorry.
40:07Why do a different pattern here?
40:09I wondered how you were doing that.
40:10I thought you had an electric penis.
40:13What was the question again?
40:15Do you mean what was the question?
40:16You're buzzed.
40:17Or do you just want to get out of the bath?
40:18Yeah.
40:22How does a snowman get to work?
40:23Er, well, if it's in July in a bucket.
40:28Go on.
40:29Snow...
40:29A snowmobile?
40:30Well, that's a bit practical, rather than a joke.
40:33I know, but didn't you...
40:34Is it a Ford Fiesta, too, Lee?
40:38Icicle.
40:39Because it rhymes with bicycle.
40:41Yeah, bi-icicle, I'll give you that.
40:42Yeah, that's the right answer.
40:43Bi-icicle.
40:44Oh, you're so politically correct.
40:48Why doesn't Santa use the NHS?
40:50Oh, yes.
40:50Ah, well...
40:51Here we go.
40:52Are you not a UK resident?
41:00I think I know it.
41:01Yeah, go on.
41:02Can I say?
41:03Because he's got private elf-kin.
41:05That's the right answer, yes.
41:06What does Santa spend his wages on?
41:08Oh.
41:09Um, all his different hoes and area codes.
41:12No.
41:14Frostitudes.
41:23It was, in fact, Jingle Bills.
41:25Where do elves go to dance?
41:28The jailhouse.
41:31What?
41:32What?
41:32Read it again.
41:35Oh, sorry.
41:37Elves.
41:41I think it'd be, er, Christmas balls.
41:44Christmas...
41:45I think so.
41:45I'll give you that.
41:45Snowballs is the right answer, yeah.
41:47Ah, yeah. Snowballs.
41:47Gaddy's absolutely won this.
41:49Five bonus points to John and Jack.
41:51Oh, no!
41:53Sorry.
41:56I'm all forward to being your nana at Christmas, playing charades.
42:00Another point for me, nana.
42:01Is your nana still alive?
42:03My nana's not alive any more, Lee.
42:05Piece of shit.
42:07Piece of shit.
42:08I'll teach her to get in a car with my parents.
42:10Particularly...
42:11Particularly poignant if you should bring that up.
42:13She died at Christmas when we were playing a game of charades.
42:17She had a fit and she died with us all around her going,
42:20is it a book or a film?
42:24OK, time for our final letters game.
42:27John and Jack, your turn to choose.
42:28Come on, now.
42:29We want this.
42:30A vowel, please.
42:32Wallet.
42:34Consonant.
42:34E.
42:35T.
42:36All right.
42:37And a vowel.
42:39A consonant.
42:41M.
42:42And a consonant.
42:44S.
42:45Another vowel, please.
42:47Another I.
42:48A consonant.
42:50R.
42:50And a consonant.
42:52H.
42:52A vowel, please.
42:54And A.
42:55OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
42:58Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.
43:05And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:12Oh, the fire will slowly die, and my dear, we're still good-bye.
43:18But as long as you love is so alive, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
43:43Oh, God.
43:44I can't believe the size of your head and I can't hit it.
43:46LAUGHTER
43:50LAUGHTER
43:51LAUGHTER
43:52LAUGHTER
43:52LAUGHTER
43:53Lee, how many?
43:55Seven.
43:56Oh, Rose, how many?
43:57Seven.
43:58John, how many?
43:59Eight.
44:00Oh!
44:01Yes.
44:02Jack?
44:02Six.
44:03OK, Jack, your six.
44:06Mr. Lee, your seven.
44:08Hammiest.
44:09The most hammy of the actors.
44:12If it was hammy as you'd need two Ms.
44:13OK, Rose?
44:15Air mites.
44:16Air mites?
44:17A-I-R.
44:17You went for air mites?
44:19Air mites.
44:19Oh, no, no, no, it's because it's too many.
44:20No, so I'm going for hamster.
44:21Hamster, hamster!
44:23LAUGHTER
44:23Is that your safe word?
44:26This is too much milk, this is too much milk, hamster, hamster.
44:30John, your eight.
44:31Hairiest.
44:32Ooh!
44:34APPLAUSE
44:35Eight points to John and Jack.
44:37Wow.
44:39Really, really good.
44:41Stevie, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:43Seriatim, which is also an eight.
44:44So if you discuss matters seriatim, you discuss them point by point.
44:49OK.
44:49Lee and Rose have 24 points.
44:51John and Jack have 36.
44:53So fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
44:56Your time starts...
44:57Get your finger on that.
44:58Now.
45:09Oh, no.
45:11Oh, no.
45:27I was going to say distracted, but that's not right.
45:29Why are we going to sidetrack?
45:31LAUGHTER
45:37Oh!
45:39Yeah, go on.
45:40Sidetrack.
45:41Let's have a look.
45:42That's the right answer.
45:43Yeah.
45:47Well, Lee and Rose, you've got 34 points.
45:50John and Jack are the winners.
45:51You're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Christmas bells!
45:55CHEERING
45:57Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:59and to all of you for watching at home.
46:00That's it from us.
46:01Good night.
46:01Merry Christmas!
46:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19APPLAUSE
46:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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