- 11 hours ago
The Trades S03E08 (2026)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:09How's it going?
00:12Imperial Valley, let's go!
00:17Let's get those rigs tied.
00:19Vapes sealed, lips greased.
00:21I want all you beautiful bastards
00:23lubed up and ready to float for $1,400.
00:28Attention everybody, the Dew Bar is here
00:30for all your float needs.
00:33Liquors, SPF 25 to 50,
00:36Pepco, Beef Jerky,
00:38Emodium if things go south,
00:40Gravel if things go north.
00:42You name it, Deuster's got it.
00:43The Proligo Son of Conquers here!
00:48The man, the man, the man.
00:51What can I get you?
00:52Oh no, no, no, today I'm the DF,
00:54the designated floater.
00:55You know, boys, this will be the first float down
00:57I've done sober, not shit-faced.
00:58I might even remember this one!
01:00It's your lucky day.
01:01I have a fresh batch of my home-brewed
01:03non-alcoholic beer.
01:04Oh, that's nice.
01:06Listen up!
01:10I am not your mom!
01:12I'm off the clock!
01:14So if you find your drunk ass
01:16face down in a lily pad somewhere,
01:18that's between you and God.
01:20Safety third, cluckers.
01:23Toddler, you're looking too sober.
01:25Got a little head start.
01:26Mm-hmm.
01:27Where the fuck is Backwoods?
01:30Where the fuck is Backwoods?
01:39Oh, shit.
01:40Oh, fuck.
01:40It's Taser's kid.
01:41You guys touching junk down there?
01:43Hi, Sherry-Ann.
01:44No, we're just, um,
01:45we're looking for coins
01:46in the grass.
01:47Pretty sure that's not
01:48where coins go.
01:50Meat's on the move.
01:51Heads up.
01:51Meat is on the move.
01:53Yes, sir.
01:56Don't be a dirtbag.
01:57Use the thongs.
01:59They fell in the water, my dude.
02:01Those things are crawling in duck shit.
02:03Coming in.
02:04God, I love getting banged up
02:05in the water.
02:06That's all.
02:06Let's go.
02:07No, no, no, no, no, no.
02:09Can we get off?
02:09You're swapping.
02:11Taze, my boy,
02:12it's a fucking masterpiece.
02:13Hands down,
02:14the first and the best
02:15four-man micro-brew float
02:16to ever float this river.
02:18What's a frigate, man?
02:20It's a beer boat, bud.
02:21It's a bit weird
02:21that Backwoods
02:22didn't even text me back.
02:24Yeah, that is really weird.
02:26Maybe he's dead.
02:29Jesus, that's where
02:30your mind goes first?
02:31Maybe he's slept in.
02:32I don't know.
02:33Maybe it's a car crash
02:34or, like, a boating accident
02:35or, I don't know,
02:35like, a crossbow misfire.
02:37I don't know, Todd.
02:38I'm brainstorming.
02:39I'm quite drunk.
02:41Stay hydrated, amigo.
02:47I saw them making out
02:48near the canoes
02:49where I walked up.
02:49Don't shit in your own nest.
02:51Mostly lying for them
02:52is giving me fucking hives.
02:53Party time.
02:54Let's go.
02:55What the fuck's that, Leonard?
02:56There's an art
02:57to brewing non-alcoholic beer
02:58that most laymen can't master.
02:59Lucky laymen.
03:00Knowing the precise moment
03:02to stop the fermentation process
03:03just short of...
03:05Flavor?
03:05It's like skanky kombucha.
03:07With a hint of ass.
03:08Leonard!
03:09Let's go!
03:10All right, all right.
03:11Plug your nose and chug it.
03:12Disgusting.
03:13It's all good all afternoon.
03:14Things heavy, though.
03:14You gonna help me?
03:15No, you got it, you got it.
03:16Maybe it's time you quit spying, kid.
03:17Go build some sandcastles or something
03:19and steal some popsicles or whatever.
03:20I'll tell my dad and everyone
03:22you're dry humping.
03:23What?
03:23I'll scream it right now.
03:24He's a shit.
03:26Unless you give me some candy.
03:27Oh, my God.
03:28This fucking kid.
03:29Yeah, but are we getting
03:30blackmailed by a child now?
03:31Yeah, the second time this month.
03:32Listen, you little hustler,
03:34I don't even know what we have.
03:35Here, I've got Tums.
03:37I've got some lint.
03:38And I've got...
03:39a moist ciggy.
03:42I'll take the dart.
03:44Ruthless.
03:45Don't smoke.
03:47Your father's taught you well.
03:48I got a ciggy.
03:50Sucker.
03:50What the fuck are we going to do?
03:52Well, I'm very flattered
03:53that Corn Pulse is thinking of me.
03:56And you're okay with the terms?
03:57Oh, the terms are great.
03:59Frankly, there's no other
04:00VP candidate with your kind of experience.
04:02We need to fill the position ASAP.
04:05Are you kidding me?
04:06Oh, she just doesn't stop.
04:08Chelsea?
04:09Are you still there?
04:10Oh, my God.
04:11Chelsea?
04:12Sick of bitch.
04:13Hello?
04:14Chelsea?
04:14Punt your face into the sun.
04:15Sorry, what?
04:17Nothing.
04:17I was talking to a seagull.
04:20I hate them.
04:21Okay.
04:22So do I.
04:23Right?
04:24So your answer is?
04:28I will let you know
04:30by the end of the day.
04:32Thanks, Donnie.
04:34Oh, mighty river.
04:36Slow and wide.
04:37We come to you,
04:38drunken pride.
04:40And as we float together
04:41in a drunken dream,
04:42remember,
04:43puke ends up
04:44downstream.
04:46That's right, bud.
04:47I'm looking at you there.
04:48Let's not have a repeat
04:49of last year.
04:50Normally backwards
04:51would lead to shotgun start,
04:53but apparently
04:53you had something better
04:54to fucking do today,
04:55so Taser has kindly stepped in.
05:00All right.
05:02Let the weed hit hard
05:03and your vapes not sink.
05:06May nobody drown
05:07while trying to, um...
05:10Float?
05:11Drink!
05:11Ah, fuck it.
05:13Views at the ready!
05:14Yeah!
05:16Let's fucking go!
05:19Go!
05:19Come on, man!
05:20Go!
05:21Load him up, boy!
05:22Get your ass in the water!
05:23Pick up, everyone!
05:25Get the fuck out of the river!
05:30Woo!
05:31Woo!
05:32Get fresh, he's cow.
05:34Get up!
05:36Hey, Steph!
05:37What the fuck is Oz?
05:38I haven't seen her
05:38since we got here.
05:39It's weird she's not
05:40out in the water, no?
05:40Uh, uh, she's, uh, totally, I...
05:45She's...
05:46Sorry, where the fuck is she?
05:48Sorry, Todd, just pissing.
05:50Can't speak and leak
05:50at the same time.
05:52Wow, you guys got it
05:53set up already?
05:54Yeah, we don't kid around
05:55when it comes to drinking.
05:55Hop and float down!
05:56Hop and float down!
05:58There you go.
05:58Yoinks!
06:00Aw, thanks, Conky.
06:02You don't talk much, do you?
06:03Yeah, I know.
06:04But he drinks.
06:05A lot.
06:06Like more than us.
06:07Yeah.
06:10Hey!
06:12Hola!
06:13Mind if I park here?
06:14I want to be close to the bar.
06:15Nope, it's wide open.
06:16Your usual.
06:19You don't float?
06:20Well, someone's got to supervise.
06:22Plus, I know what's in that river.
06:24Rusty lawn chairs and mercury?
06:25Ooh, too soon, Rod, too soon!
06:28Thank you!
06:30Fuck.
06:32She won't leave me alone.
06:33Who's that?
06:35Jen Conk.
06:35She has no boundaries.
06:37You don't need that shit.
06:39She's lucky to have you.
06:41Come on, Homer.
06:42Come on.
06:43Do it.
06:43I said I wouldn't do it anymore, right?
06:45Do it!
06:46Do it!
06:47All right, all right, all right, all right.
06:48Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!
06:50Yeah!
06:51How did Maureen ever leave that?
06:54Yeah, how's it going with her?
06:55Did she take your house yet?
06:56Nah, we're fine.
06:57Not planning on a second or third wife there, Taze.
06:59Working on the fourth, buddy.
07:00Wait, what did he say?
07:02Nah, you wouldn't do it.
07:02Find your beeswax back there.
07:03This current's brutal.
07:05I'm drifting.
07:06It's your float, man.
07:07Look at Jacques Cousteau fucked a filing cabinet.
07:09Yeah, some of us didn't get the nod this year to join the boyfriend's barn.
07:12Whoa, hey, man.
07:13Take it easy.
07:13It's your loss.
07:14I float solo.
07:15A lone wolf.
07:16I'm not going to float at all in that piece of shit, dude.
07:18Never mind.
07:20I got to go throw a quick wizard in the bushes.
07:22That's where you are.
07:22You're in a river, for God's sake.
07:24Bits have to drink this water.
07:25It's disrespectful.
07:28A toast to you, my colleague.
07:30Commendable job navigating sobriety.
07:32Delish.
07:33You know, it's got the mouthfeel of actual beer.
07:36Good memories.
07:37Your approval means the world to me.
07:38You know, a lot of this N.A. stuff tastes like hospice.
07:41But you, Leonard, are lord of the lager.
07:44Why don't you say that?
07:45I was thinking you're trying to sell it online?
07:47I'm in.
07:47I'll be your silent partner.
07:48We'll be booze barons.
07:50Like, I'll be George Clooney and you can be...
07:52The other guy.
07:53Yes.
07:54You will be the other guy.
07:57Top-up time.
07:58Oh.
08:00Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
08:02I could float away forever.
08:04Nobody would know what a stew he was missing.
08:09Ow, it's my leg.
08:11Oh, forelock.
08:16I'm stuck.
08:22Help anyone.
08:24Homer.
08:26Taser.
08:29Step-mommy.
08:31You know, you guys could be a little nicer to him.
08:34Do we?
08:35He knows we're just giving him the gears.
08:37He likes it, man.
08:37All I'm saying is that he's been around a lot longer than I have, and you'll let me on the
08:42barge.
08:43I mean, it feels a little... I don't know.
08:46A little... clicky?
08:48Is that another word for bullying?
08:49Are we the mean girls of conk?
08:51Wicked.
08:52I'll be lohen.
08:53When a few of the other apprentices asked to join the float, you guys literally said, are they float material?
08:58Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
08:59We have standards, okay?
09:00This isn't a soup pot, it's a stew.
09:02You either bring the spice or you get skimmed off.
09:04It's not personal.
09:05We're selective.
09:05This isn't intramural soccer.
09:07Not everyone gets to play.
09:08Totally, man.
09:10Oh, my fucking God.
09:11Who am I?
09:12You're Homer.
09:13Fuck, where's Dewey?
09:15He's my shooter girl.
09:16Taser's thirsty.
09:17Come on, float down!
09:18Yeah!
09:20Yeah!
09:20Let's burn some water!
09:22Yeah!
09:25Yeah!
09:27What's up, Jerky?
09:28Woo-hoo!
09:30Yeah!
09:31Keep going nice, people!
09:32Let the river take us.
09:34Woo-hoo!
09:36Woo-hoo!
09:40You got a light?
09:42Help me.
09:44What's in it for me?
09:46Yeah!
09:47Are you smoking?
09:48Don't make me parent you in front of everyone!
09:51I saw Backwoods and Audrey making out under the canoes!
09:55They were using their tongues!
09:56Audrey, a little tattletale!
09:58Hey, punk!
09:58This is after I paid her off!
10:00Oh, hey, guys!
10:01Hey, I was just peeing!
10:02Me, too!
10:03Yeah!
10:04Urinating!
10:04Just pee.
10:06Separately pee.
10:07What in the fuck, my fuck?
10:09Busted!
10:10Yeah, I hate to break it to you, Totter, but Backwoods and your sister have been banging.
10:14What?
10:14Shut up, Homer, you rat!
10:15A lot.
10:16For how long?
10:17Long time.
10:18You're too long.
10:18You're a total idiot?
10:19Yep.
10:19Who knew about this?
10:21I did.
10:21Me.
10:22We did.
10:22I did.
10:23I think pretty much everybody.
10:25Jesus!
10:25We all did.
10:25Yeah.
10:26They all knew?
10:26Who didn't?
10:27Over here, bud.
10:28Well, that checks out.
10:29Totally.
10:30So you all lied right to my face!
10:31What kind of people are you?
10:33The whole crew's been taking bets on it.
10:35You're the underdog.
10:36Todd, sweetie, can I get you a drink?
10:38Actually, he probably doesn't need another one.
10:40Uh-oh.
10:40Red alert, red alert, red alert!
10:42Yes.
10:42Betrayal!
10:43That's what this is!
10:44An absolute fucking patrol!
10:46You two stay right where you are!
10:47Fucking chill!
10:48Todd, thank you for that.
10:48Okay, now, Todd.
10:50Have a little drink!
10:51Oh, give me some weed!
10:52Out of my way!
10:53Todd, hey!
10:54Well, I think we missed our chance to tell him ourselves.
10:56Maybe we should just tell him now.
10:57I'm ready.
10:58Back, what's he fucking knows?
10:59I know he knows.
11:00I'm fucking running!
11:01I'm fucking running!
11:01Fucking train!
11:02I'm ready to go!
11:02I'm ready to fucking go!
11:03Okay, okay, okay.
11:04I'm coming for you, you slutty piece of rabbit shit!
11:06He's just coming through!
11:07You broke the bro code, bro!
11:14What are you doing?
11:16Uh-oh.
11:17I just didn't know no with my thumb thumbs.
11:19What?
11:20I just said the entire border conquer pick of, uh, El Presidente.
11:24Matty, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were wasted.
11:30We're falling behind.
11:31Hurry up.
11:31Roll, roll, roll, roll.
11:32Let's go.
11:32We were going to die on you, sir!
11:34Yeah, but you fucking did, did ya?
11:35I hope you fucking drowned!
11:37I'm good!
11:37I think I broke my big code!
11:38Good!
11:39I'm going to fucking break the other nine!
11:41Step right around like a scary bitch ass pussy dick!
11:43A lot of words in that insult!
11:45I'm trying to talk!
11:45I think I love her!
11:46What?
11:47You love me?
11:49I thought we were just fucking you love me now!
11:52Jesus!
11:54Don't say the word fucking!
11:55I think I just threw up in my mouth!
11:56Fuck off!
11:57Fuck off!
11:58Honky, get the fuck out of the way!
11:59You're ruining my surprise!
12:01Fuck off!
12:03Oh, no, no, no, no!
12:04Stop running away, please!
12:06Fuck you, you're my cat!
12:08Battle me over there!
12:09No one has to box some me, toadstool!
12:11Actually, I am your goddamn boss!
12:12Ah, fuck off!
12:13Jesus!
12:14Ah, fuck!
12:15Get back over here, Pat!
12:16This is like a butcher!
12:17Get out of your head!
12:18Get over here!
12:19You're nuts!
12:20Look out of here!
12:21Best buns don't lie, but who they're teeing off on, bud!
12:24We were going to tell you!
12:25You're not the easiest guy to talk to!
12:27Oh, shit!
12:27I'm perfectly easy to fucking talk to!
12:29No, you're not.
12:30I'm true, bud.
12:31We don't do emotions!
12:32We do beers, bugs, and that's fucking it!
12:34Boys, let the fuck off!
12:36Let the fuck off, Cricket!
12:37Let me out!
12:38Come on, it'll be fun!
12:39Yes!
12:39Come on!
12:40Ah!
12:42Sorry, my bad!
12:44Un-fucking-believable!
12:46My feet!
12:46Hang on, yeah, Cricket!
12:48Oh!
12:48What's my feet!
12:50I think I'm just about to do a no-no!
12:55Oh, my God!
12:57And he's got his ass out!
13:00Oh!
13:01I caught my feet!
13:02What are you spigot?
13:03That's my system!
13:05Ah!
13:05Not in space!
13:06Save yourself!
13:07You're fucking stomping!
13:08Over, bitch!
13:10Oh, there you go!
13:11Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
13:13That's a lot, Crad!
13:15Would you not believe a liar, man?
13:17Who wants to come and jump with me?
13:23What's up with Medi?
13:24Sonstroke?
13:25Medi's down!
13:26Call the medic!
13:27Medi!
13:27Oh, shit.
13:28Bev, are you drunk?
13:29Not even a glow.
13:33Oh, no.
13:34What?
13:35Oh, shit!
13:37Stop!
13:38Oh, God, you're worse.
13:39I don't care.
13:40I can't fucking move.
13:40That was awesome.
13:42That's good.
13:42Dewey would've liked that one.
13:44Dewey?
13:45Where's Dewey?
13:46Oh, here, come on.
13:47Looks like we made the right choice staying on land.
13:49No kidding.
13:50I'd better go see if they broke anything.
13:52Dewey, where are you?
13:57Well, well, well.
13:58There you are.
14:00You done?
14:01Huh?
14:02Fuck!
14:03Why is everyone here?
14:04Stop it!
14:04Ow!
14:05That's for making our drama everybody else's problem.
14:07What the fuck was that about?
14:08Huh?
14:09You two fighting because he likes her and she likes him?
14:11You knew?
14:12Oh, every fucking buddy knows about Oddwood.
14:14You gotta be a fucking moron not to know.
14:16That's nice.
14:16There's even a name for it.
14:18Your family?
14:18Family doesn't handle shit like this.
14:20He lied to me.
14:21She lied to me.
14:22There's a lot of fucking lies flying around.
14:24So what?
14:25I pretended to have shingles for a week to avoid telling your mom I lost a house at a casino.
14:29We move on.
14:30Like we did.
14:31We all moved on to that house where I had to replace the shingles.
14:33Holy shit, this is full circle, isn't it?
14:35That's what happened to our house growing up?
14:37Todd, the point is, so what?
14:39No more casinos, Dad.
14:41Yeah, I'm sorry.
14:42How did you even find me?
14:44You realize this is my day off.
14:46So I have you on the Find My Coworker app just in case I need to track any of my
14:51minions?
14:52That crosses so many lines.
14:54Personal, legal, I don't even know where to start.
14:56A lady as powerful as moi just doesn't have the time to play hide and seek, Chels.
15:00You don't have power, Jen.
15:01You inherited it like a spoiled kid with Daddy's credit card.
15:05Oh, honey, I am the bank, and with Daddy gone, I get to choose the favorite, and guess what?
15:11I choose me.
15:11I'm done with you.
15:13I'm done with you, you narcissistic twat.
15:16And guess what?
15:18I quit.
15:20I feel like I just took a big shit.
15:23I want something stronger.
15:24Anybody have any tequila?
15:25Where are you, boys?
15:27You can come on the bar!
15:29Over, buddy!
15:30Dewey!
15:31Dewey!
15:31Come on, we have to do it!
15:32Dewey!
15:33Dewey, my boy!
15:34Oh, oh, no, false alarm, that's just Kunky getting his tongue work-outed.
15:37Go, buddy!
15:38Like a damn dog!
15:40Don't mind us.
15:41Let's go, Kunky!
15:42Whoa!
15:44You're still here.
15:45Please, little girl, help me.
15:48Dewey!
15:49Hey, buddy, where are you at?
15:51I'm here.
15:52Dad, I got eyes on him.
15:54He's in bad shape, but he's alive.
15:56Good work, daughter!
15:58Dewey, wait twice if you still want to party!
16:00Let's go, boys, let's go.
16:01Careful, let me scratch eyes.
16:05He said yes!
16:07He said yes, taser!
16:09Careful!
16:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:11Get him up!
16:12Get him up!
16:12You came back for me!
16:13That's between a tank.
16:14Come on, guys.
16:16So I guess there's a small chance that I may have overreacted a little bit.
16:21A lot of beers.
16:22A snap, man.
16:23I was seeing red.
16:24I mean, it's fucking weird.
16:26Right.
16:26Kind of like your best friend's date and your sister weird.
16:29Pretty much exactly that.
16:30And it's just so graphic in my head.
16:32We just didn't know how to tell you.
16:34You don't need my blessing, and I don't know, if I can stop picturing it, maybe I'll be okay.
16:37Nope, just saw it again.
16:39Fuck!
16:39That's a good picture.
16:40Okay, well, maybe this is just as good a time as any to tell you that I'm...
16:44You're not fucking pregnant.
16:45What?
16:46I need my own space.
16:48Oh, okay.
16:50I don't know, maybe it's time for you to start sharing that hot tub with someone that you're
16:52not related to.
16:54I think we're ready for both of us to switch things up a bit.
16:58Whoa, Wazley.
16:59Stop following me!
17:00I'll pay you more.
17:01Oh, Corn Pulse is tripling my salary.
17:03Yeah, I'll double it.
17:04I'm done.
17:05Wait.
17:06You're leaving, Chelsea?
17:08No, no, no, not yet.
17:09Chelsea!
17:09You're not one of us.
17:10You can't.
17:12Chelsea, boss, lady, leave.
17:13I love you guys, but it's time.
17:16I'm going to call Donnie and let him know I accept Corn Pulse's offer for VP.
17:21Donnie, Chelsea, don't leave us.
17:22You know what?
17:23I have had enough of this.
17:25Ow!
17:27Jesus.
17:27Well, that was a conch phone, so...
17:29Worth it!
17:30You corporate Judas!
17:32You were my sister, my right-hand lady, and like the only person who knew all my computer
17:38passwords.
17:38I know all your passwords.
17:39Not now, Janet.
17:40Well, consider this my two weeks' notice.
17:43Consider this my offer to pay for all your future plastic surgery needs.
17:48What?
17:49I know a great boob guy in Tulum.
17:50I can get you on a plane tonight and have you perky by brunch.
17:52How did your head get so far up your ass that you think new titties is what I'd want?
17:55Everyone loves new titties.
17:57What am I right here?
17:58I mean, that's not titties!
17:59You should take the deal.
18:00Todd will be a great replacement for site manager.
18:03Fuck that, Chelsea.
18:04You run our refinery.
18:05You're more of a conch than she'll ever be.
18:08You earned it.
18:08You worked your bag off to get where you are.
18:10You're not some idiot that had it handed to her.
18:17You know, Chels, you're right about one thing.
18:21The site manager's office should have a stool nameplate.
18:25Damn straight.
18:26Finally, Todd!
18:27You!
18:27Audrey Stuhl.
18:29Hmm?
18:30Huh?
18:32You've just been officially promoted.
18:34Congratulations.
18:35Whoa, hold on a second.
18:36Wait.
18:37What the hell?
18:37What?
18:38I just got my union card.
18:40Boom.
18:40And now your management girl.
18:42Wow, that is so fucked up.
18:43Yeah, could she actually do that?
18:45Isn't it amazing, Todd?
18:46How fast you can climb that conch ladder when you don't insult the owner.
18:51Effective immediately!
18:52Audrey Stuhl is our brand new site manager.
18:55Let's go, Janet!
18:57Janet!
18:58What the hell?
18:59The hot sister's hot boss?
19:03Congrats, I guess.
19:05No offense, but Audrey?
19:07What the fuck is happening right now?
19:11Oh, tummy troubles.
19:14Get it out.
19:17Must have been something I ate.
19:18Now sip a little more near beer.
19:20Dandelion and Goji have restorative properties.
19:27Leonard, if it wasn't for your friendship, I'd be right back on the sauce.
19:32I'd probably be bent over a picnic table, puking my gut.
19:37Leonard, Leonard, get him.
19:39You took our real beer by accident, full of actual alcohol?
19:42Yeah, this is your stupid near beer.
19:43That's why I'm stone-cold sober, and not the one making out with Conky.
19:46What the fuck?
19:47Oh, no.
19:48To my esteemed conch board of directors, in regard to the earlier image of my penis,
19:55It was a private medical image intended for my urologist.
20:01A routine mold check.
20:03Turns out, my doctor's email is shockingly close to all of yours.
20:11Time to move on, huh?
20:12Forgive and forget.
20:14And speaking of hard to forget...
20:17My penis!
20:20Wait.
20:20My glorious penis!
20:22Stop!
20:24Stop!
20:26Stop!
20:28Get away, Betty!
20:28Get away, Betty!
20:31Lighting up our lights.
20:36Those patio lanterns, they were the stars in the sky.
20:43Those patio lanterns, lighting up our lights.
20:49Those patio lanterns.
20:54Those patio lanterns.
20:57I never was stuck on your internet.
21:02Didn't want much to choose a nervous girl.
21:07Hey, Chelsea.
21:08This is Donny from Corn Falls.
21:09I'm just checking in.
21:10Hello?
21:12Hello?
21:14Hello?
21:15Chelsea?
21:16Waiting.
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