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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S29E03 - 30January 2026 [Full Movie] [Full Storyline]Full EP - Full
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. GK!
00:14So, go wild and crazy for Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:31APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40All right, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls, everyone's always coming for my girls.
02:00Girls, your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked. I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you're all...
03:02Oh, if you're all up for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:10I think it would be some.
03:11LAUGHTER
03:13And joining Rob tonight is Myles Jupp.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:20Myles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jupp.
03:35Gosh, well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then it's breakfast,
03:46where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run,
03:50usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Then it's elevenses.
03:54Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden,
03:57maybe going to town, do some shopping,
03:58butchers, veg shop,
04:00come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings
04:03to set me up for lunch.
04:04Then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then,
04:09and then that's...
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11Wow.
04:13That was clearly filthful.
04:14I wasn't expecting that.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah, my pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13What it's...
05:14How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people go,
05:34Oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what?
05:35Because I've got a fupa
05:36and I haven't seen my fanny for years.
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40Cos you've got your what?
05:42They only say it to big girls.
05:43Cos you've got your what?
05:44A fupa, a fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, then backhand compliments get on my flippy nose.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you...
06:09Have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at
06:14and, er...
06:15Not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:16For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called
06:21Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:25Er...
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26Yes.
06:26You must know...
06:27Your agent sent it to me very kindly
06:29and, really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give me a bit of feedback.
06:33Erm...
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:50Er...
06:51Er...
06:52Only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er...
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er...
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So, this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:15Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Er...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er...
07:30You've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39It's got 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:42But, look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Myles Young, everyone.
07:51Er...
07:52John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:57and going bald, all that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Er...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:21Start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:52LAUGHTER
08:52Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Er...
08:56That's in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:59Woo...
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:15Wow, you see?
09:16Yeah.
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...?
09:18One by the mate let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on.
09:46Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:46Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:51Yeah, it's still got a rubber tip on.
09:54Yeah.
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05I'm slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11It's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13Oh, he's over.
10:14Oh, blimey.
10:15Oh, wow.
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:32Whatever.
10:38Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
10:59What have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So I've got this one.
11:10Gosh.
11:10This is the first one I did, because it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:19So, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah, so I did that one first.
11:28And then this one, it's the second one I worked on, which is, um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That is...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:44Yeah.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really, I think.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:50Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:59Over in dictionary corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:04It's your first time on the show.
12:06We're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-rumpf!
12:26Ha-rumpf!
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53APPLAUSE
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16because Wang, Kiara is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20Nice.
13:25But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28Yeah, they're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on,
13:37and come up with...
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You called me Giles.
13:42Giles.
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:48You very gratefully came on the show.
13:50You came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing,
14:03the search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:07Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the king.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:12Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:17Yeah, roll back it.
14:20Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:46OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57M.
14:58Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:13C.
15:13Three of each?
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:19P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23A.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36T.
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that...
15:51Frabian.
15:54Thanks.
15:57Mark your thing.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Susie, mate.
16:09I'm worried about him falling into sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:11Sort time.
16:12I don't want to give up.
16:26Brad, you're going to give up.
16:27You've got to give up.
16:27Come on!
16:28Come on!
16:29Come on!
16:29Come on, man!
16:31Come on!
16:31More!
16:33Why do you get so cute?
16:35Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:39I've got seven seven impressive John how many would I risk a nine Susie no
16:46No, I wouldn't then
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well Judy five. Okay. What's your five plate? Rob your five petal
17:00Petal I've got a terrible fucking colic
17:04Miles your seven. I've got two sevens actually they are climate and polemic
17:18Was good wasn't it Susie that was amazing. Maybe write down his name. Yeah
17:25And what was your nine John that you went for well
17:27Compile is a seven and then I wondered if you can have compilates as you can have a compilation of
17:33something
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate. Oh, that's a shame seven for us Jim
17:38Seven points for both teams
17:43I might go for my nap such a weird hang on it was me the whole time
17:53I might take my bonnet off Roshi and Kiara could they have done any better? Yes
18:00Poetical
18:03Very breathy
18:05Okay, so the end of that it's a draw everyone's got seven points
18:13Okay, on to our first numbers round John Judy you get to pick the numbers do you want to pick
18:18Judy or will you just ruin it?
18:21No, three little ones all right. I'll go nine to six and then the big one seventy five fifty and
18:28one hundred and
18:30The target three five nine there is a new toy starts now
19:05So the target was three five nine Judy love did you get it? I've got three four two why is
19:10worth no points?
19:12I know but
19:14Give me some credit for how sorry to speak. I know but give me some I can't expect you to
19:18not eat while we record it
19:23Three four two miles did you get it? I've got three five seven. Okay, uh Rob I did what I
19:30think I did okay
19:31I don't want to get it. I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times seventy
19:37five
19:37Yes, four hundred and fifty minus the hundred three hundred and fifty plus the nine ten points
19:49Can we just say I've got three hundred and forty two can we talk about that we've done that we
19:53talked about that
19:55We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:59So Rob and miles have seventeen John and Judy have seven
20:05To go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara. What have you got for us? Well got a pretty good
20:10vibe. Yeah, you're right care
20:12Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit of subdued or no, I'm fine. I'm fine. All right. Is it
20:18is it Jimmy?
20:19I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:24From behind. Yeah, I know he didn't like that
20:27Me though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a video son italiana
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality in fact, he's on a Donna molto sensual
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity
20:47People money could be looch
20:51Incredibly repressed. That's right. It's because I'm also half English that explains that and Russian
20:56Russian on the other hand is is Irish. Yeah Catholic and I'm an hour August and Vic August and spirit
21:02knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12What?
21:13Sorry, that is absolute like slander. Not at all. I'm not like that
21:17It makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:23And we die alone and that's okay. Well, there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh, oh
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no
21:32Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34Ok, don't call him a boot because he's a very, like, very well known comedian
21:38Uh oh, here we go
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power
21:43Clearly you're right in the middle, uh oh, here we go
21:46Here we go
21:50Just move your pups. Move, move, move, move.
21:54Guys, don't look. Don't watch.
21:58OK. OK, all right.
22:02Oh, OK. Grocery, grocery, grocery, grocery!
22:06Grocery, grocery, grocery!
22:09Sorry, come over here. What are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me all night.
22:17But we're here, we're part of the show.
22:19OK, all right, regardless of the details,
22:20I've got something to say to you, John.
22:21You might do this all the time.
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26Yeah, it's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work.
22:33Grocery and Chiara, everyone.
22:39She's cute.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny?
22:46As much as John started to look very awkward,
22:49you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
23:03You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry. She'll look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Er...
23:12Well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
23:16That is...
23:17I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:24Yeah.
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:27There really is.
23:27Isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk.
23:29OK.
23:37You move the crockery.
23:38I'll have one last poo.
23:45And here is your teaser.
23:46The answer.
23:46The words are meat bell.
23:48The clue is nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:50That's meat bell.
23:51Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:52See you after the break.
24:01Ok.
24:10The answer to the tease.
24:11The words were meat bell.
24:12The clue was nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
24:14It was, of course, meltable.
24:15OK, so, Rob and Miles are in the lead.
24:18They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please.
24:26Great start. E.
24:27Consonant.
24:28G.
24:30Consonant.
24:31M.
24:33Consonant.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:37Smeg.
24:38Oh.
24:40A vowel.
24:42Smeggy.
24:43E.
24:44Consonant.
24:46T.
24:47Oh, go on, let's have smeggiest.
24:51CONTINENT.
24:53R.
24:55Consonant. Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station.
24:59So, your time starts now.
25:03BELL RINGS
25:04BELL RINGS
25:13BELL RINGS
25:14BELL RINGS
25:16Oof.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up at the station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:27BELL RINGS
25:29It's my turn to drive.
25:31HE LAUGHS
25:35HE LAUGHS
25:36HE LAUGHS
25:39HE LAUGHS
25:40HE LAUGHS
25:42HE LAUGHS
25:54What's he come as?
25:56HE LAUGHS
25:59HE LAUGHS
26:00HE LAUGHS
26:01HE LAUGHS
26:12HE LAUGHS
26:13HE LAUGHS
26:14OH MY GOD
26:15HE LAUGHS
26:23He should be in your dressing room and do it.
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone.
26:29Hi, Pasha. Hello.
26:31Good to see you. Hello.
26:35I can't believe it, the Pasha's here, who's Rachel's other half,
26:39and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show,
26:48John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex
26:51with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:58One of the fucking chances.
27:00You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:04Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no. With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:11It's like a date of the undateables.
27:16Round of applause for Pasha and my friends from The Violin Club.
27:25Judy, how many? Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds, fair enough.
27:34Um, six. Six? Wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:40Yeah, OK, what was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty?
27:43Or timer?
27:45We'll go misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of timer?
27:48Yeah, timers. Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got misery or mister.
27:55You said misery was not possible.
27:57You said mystery.
27:58No, but I said...
28:00I said mystery or misery.
28:01I think John is unlikely to describe misery as not possible.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:08He's starting to laugh in.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:18Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:20Interestingly, John and Kiara both had misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about today.
28:25Actually, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:28Why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, OK?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done?
28:47You're telling me that.
28:50But, yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest?
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:16LAUGHTER
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23.
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:29OK, right.
29:31Now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39So, three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:43I can count, I just can't...
29:45The angle of matter...
29:47Erm...
29:48Although...
29:48So, there's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51Yeah, zero, you've already...
29:52Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Three big numbers and three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59Yeah, you've got this.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones, 75, 25 and 50.
30:08And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:11Yeah.
30:36.
30:42So the target was 192. Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know. Why do you look so pleased with yourself?
30:49OK, John, did you get it? 193.
30:52How did you get 193? 75 plus 25.
30:56100. Plus 2 times 50.
30:59Plus 2 times 50, 200. Minus 7.
31:03Yeah, one away. That's what I got. Judy, no-one believes you.
31:06Listen, I did 2 times 75 and then I added 50.
31:13No. 25. You added 50?
31:15I added 25 makes... 175.
31:18175. And then I added...
31:21You haven't even done that. No, no, no.
31:24Then I added the 10. 185.
31:27And the 7. 192.
31:31Oh! You did it!
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you. What the hell?
31:43You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45I can't win! I can't win!
31:47No, you can't! I can't!
31:49Stop the conversation. You can't win.
31:51Seven points to John. Oh, my.
31:53So good. So good.
31:53Well, no, that's good.
31:55That's good.
31:56That's good.
31:57And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is you can see the shape of it.
32:03That's oiled nut.
32:04You can see the shape of it.
32:05See you after the break.
32:22It was, of course, outlined.
32:28John, your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
32:32Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley.
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
32:43Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:46Oh, God.
32:47And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:49Wow.
32:51I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:53I remember, yeah.
32:58No need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03Yeah.
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:05Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:07OK, that's what I would say.
33:08That's what I say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, I wasn't out as half Indian, like...
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know?
33:22Not now.
33:23When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean,
33:26you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:28But I learnt recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Yes.
33:33Well, thanks for sharing.
33:35And I didn't realise that was a thing, but I was at the doctors recently,
33:37and he saw me naked, bless him, and he said,
33:40Mr. Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my unified.
33:46Are you any good at Countdown?
33:47I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why...
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign,
33:56don't we?
33:57Look at that, funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:00Yes.
34:01United Colours of Benetton?
34:02Yes.
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:14Oh, ten points, that's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down, you'll know this, Jimmy, as well, my mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not.
34:27This is how she is.
34:28Me and her want a beach in broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:35But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out,
34:39penis hanging out, resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe.
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions, that was his time.
34:48He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52Excuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain.
34:57She said, What, love? That little thing there.
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:06She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:17Have you got a mascot?
35:18Oh, my God, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun, look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:23This is a jalebi, the most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's crispy, it's deep-fried, it's syrupy, and it's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week.
35:35And we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea.
35:38And she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me
35:43because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like,
35:45Mmm, mmm, okay, not many...
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, okay?
35:48So she'd be like...
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves and she'd be like,
35:52Mmm, okay, not many girls in your future.
35:55So many boys, okay.
35:57Dancing so gay.
35:58Oh, darling, you're dancing around the pole.
36:00And I was like, give me that, Nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish.
36:04Like...
36:07And so I thought, be brave.
36:09I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
36:11I said, Nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds.
36:21I said, Nan, I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:23She said, rubbish.
36:24Foolish.
36:25Gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:32Hashtag gaylight savings.
36:36But I bought some jalebes for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it'd be nice.
36:40Jalebes.
36:41So they are vegan, the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:48Oh, they're nice, aren't they?
36:50Nice.
36:50Yeah.
36:51Awesome.
36:51There's nothing to matter with that.
36:53It's nice.
36:54It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beefing.
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob.
37:04Do you want me to start an Angel Delight, Rob?
37:08You ain't got any fucking custard, have ya?
37:12It's been nicer to a bit of rice pudding.
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
37:18Fair.
37:19Fair.
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland.
37:21So growing up I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know, if you know any Irish, nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:31Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying, ready the war between the elves and the centaurs.
37:35But it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:40And if you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob.
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
37:47Thank you, good night.
37:57OK, on with the game.
37:58Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:02That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary, isn't it?
38:04Yes.
38:04It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:08A vowel?
38:09Make my eyes hurt.
38:11Oh.
38:12Another vowel?
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:15E.
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel?
38:21Eh?
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a village.
38:32He's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel, he'll start to get panicky.
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but, you know, let's not fuck about.
38:41OK, I'm constantly...
38:42There you go, that's for you.
38:43S.
38:44My fingers are too sticky to write.
38:46I...
38:47How many...
38:47How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Erm...
38:51Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:57A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00Another vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your max.
39:05Right.
39:06A consonant there?
39:09A number?
39:10A W.
39:11OK, and your time starts now.
39:19We're a tick, mate.
39:20Oh.
39:21Yeah, you pick shit letters and we all suck.
39:33It doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:35No.
39:36No.
39:36No.
39:38No.
39:43Dane, how'd you do?
39:45Four.
39:45Uh, Judy?
39:47Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53I think, John, you're on your own, how'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:56Six, OK.
39:56Miles?
39:58Still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:01I've got extra.
40:04You do laugh.
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:06It'll be...
40:09Five.
40:10It was sinew was my word.
40:12Oh, wow.
40:12Yeah, just tell me straight away.
40:14Doesn't matter.
40:15All right.
40:16Rob, how many?
40:17Five.
40:17Swine!
40:20Hyper.
40:21We're all hyper.
40:22We're on a sugar rush.
40:24Deal with it, Dad.
40:26Dane, you're four.
40:27What was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:31Well done.
40:32Definitely...
40:34Definitely worth turning up for.
40:37Judy?
40:38What was your four?
40:40Five.
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise.
40:43Noise.
40:44John?
40:45Insane in the membrane.
40:48Insane in the brain!
40:51Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:58He's going crazy.
41:01OK.
41:03Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08Who?
41:08Swanny.
41:09Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:12Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan.
41:15Or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded waterproof jacket.
41:18With a hood.
41:19OK.
41:20So, the scores at the moment.
41:21Rob and Miles have 23.
41:23John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Ooh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:28The words are, I'd nosh me.
41:30The clue is, anything for a good time.
41:33That's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time.
41:35See you after the break.
41:37APPLAUSE
41:52Welcome back.
41:53The answer to the teaser.
41:53As the words were, I'd nosh me.
41:55The clue was, anything for a good time.
41:57It was, of course, hedonism.
41:58Time for our final letters game.
42:00John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:06I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:09Oh, say I've learned.
42:10Say I've learned.
42:10These two are getting on really well.
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:17T.
42:18Vowel.
42:19A.
42:20Consonant, please.
42:22F.
42:23Consonant, please.
42:24S.
42:25Vowel, please.
42:27E.
42:27D.
42:28Consonant, please.
42:29L.
42:30Vowel, please.
42:32A.
42:33Consonant, please.
42:34D.
42:36And another vowel, please.
42:38I've lost where I am.
42:41I'm bored of the clock music.
42:43I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:45OK, your time starts now.
42:47Not per once.
42:51Speaker 2, you're down level 100.
42:51Not per were.
42:59Accessium выш部.
42:59Toa 30.
43:00Yep.
43:06Diamonds out.
43:14Toa 30.
43:16Toa 30.
43:17Oh
43:23Okay, John, how many? Tengo un seis, gracias
43:29Sorry? Tengo un seis, Jimmy. What's up with your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:34I've no idea what you're saying. La gente solo piensa
43:40John Richardson, mirenlo con su little cardigan y su estúpida big boy
43:46Hay mucho más de lo que parece. Estoy harto de que la gente bromee, diciendo que soy una especie de
43:52virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustarÃa admitir, es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobs
43:59So we are having some technical difficulties, I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:05I think that's it, try that. Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six
44:13Okay, Jane, how many? Five
44:14Judy, how many? Six
44:16Okay, Miles, how many? Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:20Rob? Five
44:22Fine, what's your five? Fades
44:24Fades, okay
44:25Dane, your five? False
44:26False, okay
44:28Judy
44:28Ladies
44:29John, your six?
44:32Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:34Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:37Ooh
44:38Ooh
44:38My legs
44:40My legs
44:40Oh
44:42Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:47You got nine
44:48Wow
44:49Could they have done any better?
44:51No, no
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:09Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum, your time starts now
45:15BUZZER
45:18BUZZER
45:21BUZZER
45:24BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:27BUZZER
45:27Pickiness
45:27Oh, how did you get that?
45:29APPLAUSE
45:33BUZZER
45:33BUZZER
45:34BUZZER
45:35BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:37That's it, daddy cool got it, I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw!
45:42Everyone's a winner!
45:44BUZZER
45:45BUZZER
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:51BUZZER
45:51BUZZER
45:51BUZZER
45:53BUZZER
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it
45:58from us, goodnight!
45:59BUZZER
46:02BUZZER
46:06APPLAUSE
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