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  • 7 hours ago
Aaron Chen Funny Garden 2026
Transcript
00:28Satsang with Mooji
00:46Satsang with Mooji
01:02This is the biggest show I've done in New York
01:05The biggest one I've done since I left the cast of Shen Yun
01:14Some of the best days of my life
01:16I must say
01:19It's good to be out here in New York
01:22it's good. I know you guys haven't seen a lot of this. You don't have this combo. Guys that look
01:30like this and sound like this. I'm Chinese Australian. My dad, he moved from China to
01:36Australia to give us a better life. I moved to America to make it worse again. I love America.
01:46It's going in a great direction. There are Chinese people in Australia. We got Chinese
01:52guys. There's a lot of them. I went to a school that was 90% Chinese and Indian kids, which
02:00you can't officially legislate. You're not allowed to just pick them. But you can make
02:08the test really hard. I was doing the exam. I'm like, these questions are difficult.
02:16In a way that's racist, you know? I was very offended doing the test. I've been traveling
02:25around America. I've been all around. I've been to the South, your enemy. I like the South.
02:32I do. I like it. It gets a better way. I like the South. It's one of my favorite directions.
02:38I like it so much. When people say things are going South, I say good, you know? Let's go
02:44further. Let's go to Mexico, you know? I've been to San Francisco. Oh, yeah. Every time
02:53I go back, these commies are up to something new. These commies. They got driverless cars
02:59cars now. You seen this? Waymo. Waymo. I like it. I hope we eliminate all humans. You know?
03:10One day I'd love to perform to just Waymo. That'd be good. Those commies. It's good to be out here.
03:20What a place, you know? It took me a long time to fly out here. From Australia to America,
03:2622 hours in the air. That's unbelievable. They got meals on the plane now.
03:32They always had that, but it's still going, you know? They only have two options, chicken
03:39or fish. That's all they ever had. And that's not enough information, you know? Like, what's
03:45the chicken? What's the fish? They don't tell you in the carts. They go quick. So you're
03:50not allowed to ask them questions. I panic, you know? I say fish. But it turns out that
03:55chicken is a pasta, which is my absolute favourite. Chicken Alfredo. Oh my gosh. Fish was a milkshake.
04:09Horrible stuff. But you guys got good airlines here. Beautiful airlines. Very nice. I flew
04:20on Southwest Airlines. You heard about this? They have a thing called open seating. You can
04:27pick whichever seat you want when you're on the plane. It's unbelievable. I didn't know that.
04:32They didn't tell me that. There was nothing, there was no email. I found out when I was
04:37on the plane, that's squid games. You know, I was having a panic attack in the aisle. People
04:44were stepping over my body. I got the worst seat on the plane, you know? I just had to
04:49sit there, think about my life. It's horrible. At one point in the flight, a woman got up to
04:54go to the toilet. I took her seat. She comes back, she's like, what's going on? I'm like,
05:02it's open seating, lady. You know, I'm using her iPad. I'm looking after her child. Very
05:11good kid. Very good. I like, no more chips until you finish your fish smoothie. We got to...
05:21I came to New York two years ago. I flew in. I landed via JFK Airport. What a beautiful airport.
05:28This is... It's really good. Really nice. They got great Wi-Fi. Unbelievable Wi-Fi. You got to log
05:36into the Wi-Fi. They don't just let you on, you log on, right? And they got a log on
05:40page. At
05:41the bottom of the log on page, there's a box you can click, and it says, would you like to
05:45receive JFK Airport news? I'm like, who's that for? You know? Who wants JFK Airport news?
05:54But I accidentally clicked it on the way to logging in. So now I'm getting JFK Airport news.
06:00But I don't even read the regular news. So my main source of news is JFK Airport news. That's
06:12not helpful, you know? New York's a high-level city. You know about this? This is a low-level
06:21crowd. This is a lot of low-level guys in here. They're low-level. No, I'm serious. I was at
06:29a dinner
06:30party the other night. Not to brag. And I sat next to one of these guys, right? High-level
06:36guy. And I was doing pretty good. I was keeping up. If you saw me, you'd be like, this guy's
06:43keeping up. And I was, right? But at one point, he turns to me and he's like, what do you
06:50think
06:50about the conflict in Ukraine? And I was like, how about the renovations at Hudson News? What do
07:02you think about that? You know? Because if you want to talk, we can talk. But it does have to
07:10be
07:10about JFK, you know? Let's be reasonable. I don't know. There are conflicts. I do know about them.
07:18They've got more than technology now. I've seen it. They've got tanks. Oh my goodness. How did they
07:24come up with that? Some believe it. What are the inventions? A guy, he must have saw a gun. He'd
07:31be
07:31like, yeah, I'd like to drive that. Well, it's good to be here in America, USA. What a play. Whoa.
07:44She loves it. It's great. It's great to be here. It's hard to come here, you know? It takes a
07:50lot
07:51to come here. You've got to get a visa. Anyone here got a visa? What are you on? E3 visa.
08:00This is a rare visa. This is an Australian's only visa. It was a gift from America to Australia
08:09because we helped out in the Iraq war. So for us, it was not a pointless war.
08:18We got a visa out of it, you know? Get them, boys. And we did get them. We got them.
08:27Visa secured.
08:30I'm not on that visa. I didn't support the war. She loves it. She really likes it. I'm
08:38on a visa. It's called the O-1 visa. That's Alien of Extraordinary Ability. This is it.
08:49What I'm doing right now, no American could do. This is Australian excellence. It's a hard
08:58process to get the visa. It's very difficult, you know? It took me one year. It cost me $10,000.
09:05Australian dollars. So 20 USD. It was a lot for me. And at the end of it, they make you
09:13do a 100-part questionnaire. And it's psycho. It's a psycho questionnaire. I never... Question
09:20one, it lures you in. Question one, what's your name? At that point, I'm pretty confident.
09:26You know, I think I got this. Questions 90 to 100, they go crazy. Question 90, have you
09:33ever been involved in a terrorist organization? Question 95, have you been a government official
09:39in charge during a genocide? And then question 100, the last question they ask you before you
09:46enter America is, have you ever employed a child soldier?
09:52And I'm reading these questions, and I'm like, I guess everyone has to fill out forms. You
10:00know? Like, there's some guy out there answering yes to these. Who is that? Just like a warlord?
10:08He's sitting with his child soldier? He's like, I'm sorry kid, I don't think we're going to Broadway.
10:18I don't know if you'll get to see Nicole Schlesinger in Cats. I don't know if she's in Cats.
10:30It's good to be here in New York. What a place. I went to the Natural History Museum. I took
10:36my friend who's a vegan, and they had an exhibition. It was on carnivorous plants. I'm like, these
10:44guys are the opposite, you know? Who's going to get who? But things are on a different scale
10:53in America, you know? You guys do things on a big scale. For example, your most famous
11:01statue is called the Statue of Liberty. It represents all your freedom, all in one statue. You got
11:09the Washington Monument. That represents something also. In Australia, our most famous statue, it's
11:19called the Big Banana. It represents a regular banana, but we wanted to see how big we can
11:27get it. Turns out pretty bloody big. But it's good to be out here. What a place, huh? You
11:39do have to be brave to live in New York. Only some of the bravest guys live here. There's
11:44a lot of bravery. I saw a guy jumping over the turnstiles at the subway. What? That's unbelievable.
11:53I could never do that. I crawl under. You've got to be brave to live here, you know? Because you
12:00can get tricked. I'm getting tricked. I'm getting tricked. I'm serious. They're tricking me a lot.
12:07You know these guys, they sell the charities at you? They got the vests on? You know, they got the
12:11clipboard? They're good. They're unbelievable, you know? They're always tricking me. They got little
12:18riddles, you know? They got traps and stuff. If you get any of them wrong, you have to solve world
12:24hunger. The first trap they have is they say, I love your shirt. It took me two or three times
12:32to
12:32realize they did not love my shirt. This is not a coincidence, you know? What I learned is you're
12:39meant to say, thank you so much, and you keep walking, right? You got to ignore these guys. But
12:46they say, do you know the only state that ends with the letter K? That's very hard not to stop
12:53for. That's very intriguing. I'm like, I don't know, Kentucky? And they say, no, it's New York.
13:06Isn't that charming? Isn't that nice? That's where we are right now. The answer was beneath
13:14our feet. This is unbelievable. But you get it wrong, and I have to give them all my credit
13:20cards. But I've adapted, you know? You've got to adapt to the city. I'm adapting. I know
13:27what you're supposed to do. The other day, they tried to get me. They work in twos, you
13:30know? I'm walking on the street. One of them comes up to me. He's like, I like your shirt.
13:34I say, thank you, and I keep going. And the other guy, he goes, well, do you know the only
13:39state? And I say New York. He perishes. He's dead. Keep going, you know? You've got to
13:50be brave. People are brave here. People are obsessed with crimes in New York. They love
13:54it. They love... I know they're obsessed, because you guys got an app called Citizen.
14:00Yeah, I win. Yeah, get it, girl.
14:06It's unbelievable, you know? This app, it's... If you don't know what it is, it shows you
14:11a map of New York City, and it shows you every single crime going on at that exact moment.
14:17There's a second map on there. It shows you every registered sex offender that lives near
14:21you. People are obsessed with this app. There's a premium function. You can pay money to it,
14:28you know? I think you match with them. I don't know. I don't know. Sorry. It's good to be...
14:37It's a busy, busy city. Can we all admit that? Very busy, this city. Very busy. Some people,
14:43they even call it... They call it the city that is very busy. It's... It's busy. Some people
14:50are so busy, they're eating overnight oats. Have you heard about this? They don't have
14:57time in the morning to make oatmeal. They got to make it the night before. That's too busy.
15:05Oatmeal is not traditionally a 24-hour dish, you know? We never had to plan for oatmeal before.
15:12For hundreds of years, we've been making oatmeal when we feel like it.
15:17It's too busy. Since moving here, I've become too busy for overnight oats.
15:23When I go to sleep, I put the oats in my mouth, you know? I wake up and I swallow
15:28it. I'm like,
15:29let's go.
15:34But you have to eat oats, you do. That's what they say. It's a super food. You know about this?
15:42It's... The food... The food system's all messed up. I swear. They got on microplastics now.
15:49You heard about this? One of my friends, he was telling me, allegedly, the average person
15:55eats one credit card a week. That's too much. I don't... I take one bite, I'm like, that's enough,
16:04you know? Like... But you gotta eat healthy, you know? You do have to eat healthy. I've been having
16:14smoothies. You guys don't do smoothies? I'm doing smoothies. You gotta do smoothies now. I don't know
16:21what to put in the smoothies. I don't know who to trust. I got like... I just got everything in
16:26there.
16:28Anyone... Anything anyone says you gotta put in a smoothie, I'll put it in there, you know?
16:32I don't know who to trust. Left wing, right wing? They all have great ideas on smoothies.
16:38I've got elk meat and AstraZeneca, you know? I'm having diarrhea and autism.
16:50I'm... No, it's crazy to be out here.
16:56It's a beautiful place, America. Because you guys have the diversity here.
17:02Not in this room, but...
17:05Generally, there is diversity, you know? And it's beautiful. We got diversity in Australia.
17:12But we got different guys to you.
17:15You guys got different guys here. And I think that's nice.
17:19I think that's good. It's good to see new guys. I've been seeing new... I saw a Korean man
17:25yelling at a Hasidic Jew in Spanish. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that what we've been working
17:35towards? That's gorgeous. That's nice. It's because you have Latin culture. Latin culture
17:42is infused into American society. It's beautiful, you know? We don't really have Latin culture in
17:47Australia. We got a couple of guys. They're called Guzman and Gomez. They're kind of entrepreneurs.
17:59It's a part of American society. And I love it. I've been embracing it a lot. I went to a
18:05Mexican
18:05restaurant. It's called Chipotle. And very beautiful culture. Very beautiful. No, I went to a Mexican
18:14restaurant one time in Los Angeles. And it was a beautiful restaurant. Very long line. I was
18:18lining up. I was lining up behind this middle-aged man. And he was with his mother. And they were
18:24speaking Spanish to each other. That's traditional. At one point, he leaves the line to go get his
18:32mother a menu. But he also got me a menu. Isn't that gorgeous? That's really nice. That's really...
18:40So I look him in the eyes and I say, gracias. He looks at me. He says, I speak English.
18:49You don't need to practice your Spanish on me. And that's a learning moment for me, you know?
18:55I'm humbled. I'm not from around here. All I can do, I bow my head and I say, lo siento.
19:21But my life's not going well. I'm serious. I realized my life wasn't going well because
19:29Spotify recommended me a playlist called Sad Girl Vibes.
19:35That's not good, man. The world's gone nasty. The internet's gone nasty. Don't you think?
19:42The internet's very nasty now. I was on gmail.com.
19:47Very nasty stuff they got going on. They got a new notification. It says,
19:52you sent this email four days ago. They haven't replied.
19:57It's like, you don't need to tell me that. I've been thinking about that for four days, you know?
20:04It's nasty, you know? They have a thing now. It's called AI.
20:09I heard they're introducing it at JFK Airport.
20:18I heard it's going to affect the future of jobs. That's what it's saying.
20:22It's saying the job, the article I was reading, it was saying the jobs that are most secure,
20:27they're the ones you can define just by reading the job title.
20:30Like, just by reading the job title, you need to know what the job's about.
20:34Job's like a soccer player. That's really good, you know?
20:39Nurse. That's a doing word.
20:44Yeah, yeah.
20:47Not to brag, but stand-up comedy, that's very secure.
20:50It's like a show up. Comedy, make people laugh.
20:53It even tells you what position to do it in, you know?
20:56Like, upright.
20:59But I get worried, because I have a family friend, and he's a management consultant.
21:04I can't even begin to know what that is, you know?
21:07I don't even know what management is.
21:09I guess you manage, but so does everyone, you know?
21:14Even people who are struggling.
21:16You say, do you need help? They say, I'll manage, you know?
21:19Like, I'm worried about him on multiple levels, because even family friends.
21:29That's someone who's neither family nor a friend, you know?
21:32Like, that's a guy you have to hang out with because of your dad.
21:40But my life's not going well. I, um, I'm serious.
21:43I clogged my drain the other day.
21:47I did. I clogged it right up.
21:49I had to get a bottle of drain, though.
21:51This guy, he shows me around the store for like 10 minutes.
21:54At the end of it, he's like, this is unbelievable.
21:57I have no idea where they're putting it.
22:00I was like, I thought you were them, you know?
22:03But I go home, I take the drain home.
22:06This drain is clogged up.
22:09It's really bad.
22:10I had to pour the whole bottle of Drano down there to get it unclogged.
22:13I thought that's what you're supposed to do.
22:15I told my friend this.
22:16He said, that's disgusting.
22:18It's like, do you know how bad that is for the dolphins?
22:22And to be honest, like, I didn't even consider the dolphins, you know?
22:26I didn't know that it got to them.
22:29That's so far away.
22:31I'm on the seventh floor.
22:34But when he told me that, I felt horrible, you know?
22:37Like, I was disgusted with myself.
22:39I had to make a peace offering.
22:41I poured a can of tuna down there.
22:45Please have that, you know? Please.
22:47It wouldn't really go down, so I had to put a little bit of Drano to
22:52ease it through, you know?
22:54We've got to get it to the dolphins.
23:00Other stuff's going well.
23:01I got a dishwasher.
23:03Yeah, thank you.
23:07That's the biggest clap of the show.
23:12I got a dishwasher.
23:13It's been going pretty good.
23:15I used to rinse the dishes before I put them in.
23:18But I heard that you're not supposed to do that, you know?
23:21I heard that if you rinse them before you put them in, it's actually really bad for
23:25the dishwasher's self-confidence.
23:27Like, it needs to be built on trust, you know?
23:32I don't risk it anymore.
23:33I go dining now.
23:35I'm eating out.
23:36You guys dine?
23:39Hell yeah.
23:42You guys dine?
23:43Wow.
23:44Table for two?
23:47Pretty good.
23:49Pretty good.
23:50I've been doing table for one.
23:52Nothing wrong with that.
23:54It's not illegal yet.
23:55They're probably going to try to make it.
23:57But table for one, you can book online.
24:02Resi.com?
24:05What is this, an open table crowd?
24:18I'm booking online.
24:19I am table for one.
24:22They always ask you if it's an occasion.
24:24I always put something, you know?
24:27Because it's funny.
24:28On the page, it looks funny.
24:31Table for one, there's an occasion?
24:33Are you kidding me?
24:36That's unbelievable.
24:39You get there, it's not funny.
24:43They're very sad for you, you know?
24:47I'm like, happy anniversary, you know?
24:56But I mean, yeah, I've been dining out too much, probably.
24:59I've been dining out a lot.
25:01All right, my body is falling apart.
25:03It's falling apart.
25:04I had a tooth that was decaying so bad.
25:06I went to the dentist and she's like, yeah, we're gonna have to put a crown on it.
25:11I was like, why are you putting a crown on that one?
25:13That's the worst tooth.
25:16You've got to put it on the canines.
25:18I love those dogs.
25:22But she's like, no, it's urgent.
25:23We're gonna have to do it now.
25:25And she did the root canal, put the crown on.
25:28And she's like, I'm sorry.
25:29I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to hold off from flossing that area for about two weeks.
25:35And I was like, I've been holding off for a lot longer than that.
25:39On your word, doc.
25:43My body's falling apart.
25:45I got a fungal infection on my toe.
25:47You know, sorry to have to tell you that.
25:49But that is what's going on in my life.
25:52And I went to the doctors and he said, you know, in the past,
25:56traditionally, like how people would prevent infection, they used to urinate on the feet.
26:01I was like, I'm gonna need a second opinion on that before you do it.
26:06Like, you know, like, but I need to get into shape.
26:11I do.
26:12I'm a family man now.
26:13I got a sister.
26:17I got a sister.
26:18I'm trying to get into shape.
26:19I'm getting inspired.
26:20I watched my friend do the triathlon.
26:24That's running, swimming, and cycling.
26:27I don't think I've done those activities in the same calendar year, you know?
26:31It's very inspiring.
26:32I've got to get inspired to work out.
26:35I've been watching sports.
26:36You seen this?
26:39They're fit, these guys.
26:41I've been watching soccer.
26:43I watched the game just today, you know?
26:46At halftime, they got the commentators to come on,
26:49talk about the first half of the match.
26:51And one of them, he was talking about a player.
26:53He said, this is the most creative player we've ever seen.
26:56He's like a book with hundreds of pages, and every page is different.
27:02I'm like, that's every book.
27:06If your book has the same pages, I'd say your book is broken, you know?
27:11Like, you need to get a new book.
27:14But I'm doing it now.
27:15I'm working out.
27:16I go and I work out.
27:17I go to a gym.
27:19I go to one of these gyms.
27:20Everyone's looking gorgeous, you know?
27:22You know, some gyms, people don't look good.
27:26The gym I'm at, everyone's gorgeous.
27:28But they work out with an intensity in their eyes that suggests that
27:32they don't believe they look good.
27:35That's a real tragedy.
27:37It breaks my heart, you know?
27:40I have to remind people, you know?
27:42I announce it in the change room.
27:45I'm like, fellas, you're looking good.
27:48You're looking nice.
27:50The lady's got to know too.
27:51I don't go, I yell it into the change room.
27:54There's no laws against that.
28:00Not yet.
28:05But I don't know, it's good to be out here, you know?
28:09I'm married now, thank you.
28:11Yeah.
28:14What a beautiful institution.
28:17I went to Thailand for the honeymoon.
28:21Yep.
28:23We love Thailand.
28:24I told my dad this.
28:26I texted him.
28:27I said, we're going to Thailand for the honeymoon.
28:30He doesn't text back.
28:31He calls back immediately.
28:32He's like, don't go to Thailand.
28:34They're harvesting the organs of Taiwanese nationals.
28:39And immediately, I know what's going on, right?
28:42Because my dad, he's on an app called WeChat.
28:45And what this is, it's a Chinese messaging app
28:48where all my family have a group chat with one another.
28:51And they share conspiracy theories,
28:54often in the form of a JPEG.
28:58And the one of that day was about harvesting Taiwanese organs.
29:02I pushed back.
29:03I'm like, Dad, I'm not Taiwanese.
29:05He knows that, you know?
29:08We've known each other quite some time.
29:11But he's adamant.
29:12He keeps pushing, right?
29:14And I want to convince him once and for all
29:16that these are conspiracy theories.
29:17Like, anyone can do them.
29:18I'm pretty good at Photoshop.
29:21So what I did was I got a picture of the Australian Prime Minister.
29:25And I put a caption on it.
29:26I said that they're beheading Chinese people in Hornsby.
29:31That's where he lives.
29:32And I post that in the group chat.
29:3510 minutes later, the group chat's going crazy.
29:39My uncle calls me.
29:40He's like, we're locking down, you know?
29:44I defied my father's orders.
29:46I went to Thailand anyway.
29:48Beautiful country.
29:49It's one of the great massage cultures.
29:51You got Thailand, Sweden, and there's others.
30:02But they have these massage places that are run entirely by female ex-prisoners.
30:10It's beautiful.
30:11Because a lot of society, they write these women off, right?
30:13Some of them have petty crime charges.
30:15Some of them even have assault charges.
30:18But these places, they see these women and they said, what you did, could you focus that
30:24on the neck and the shoulders?
30:31My dad's a great guy.
30:33He's a good guy.
30:33He helped me invent my signature, you know?
30:36He sat me down.
30:37I was eight years old.
30:38He's like, you're a man now.
30:39And I remember it was such a tender moment.
30:41He helped me do every, like, jag and every curve of the signature.
30:46Immediately after, he helped me commit my first tax fraud.
30:50He, like, signed here where it says, you work for me.
30:53And I didn't work for him.
30:55So I was reluctant, you know?
30:57But he had to take me to his accountant to try to strong arm me.
31:01And she's a Chinese woman.
31:03And she was really flexing on me.
31:06And how you do this in Chinese culture is you bring up a lot of stories from history.
31:11Show off your knowledge.
31:13Like, you've got to know a lot of idioms, stuff like that.
31:15And she sits me down and she's like, do you know Michelangelo?
31:19And I was like, yeah.
31:21I thought it was a turtle.
31:27But she says, when he finished building the statue of David, and I was like, there's another one.
31:36But when he finished, someone came up to him and they said, was it hard?
31:41And he said, no, it was easy.
31:43I just took away from the marble everything that wasn't David.
31:48And I was like, what's that got to do with my tax return, you know?
31:52And she said, well, the block of marble, that's your income.
31:56David, that's your tax return.
32:00And I didn't know what that meant.
32:02But I thought we were both going to jail for sure.
32:07But it's good being married.
32:09It's a beautiful thing to be married.
32:11My wife, she moved from Australia to America with me.
32:15She quit her corporate job in Australia.
32:17And now she's at culinary school.
32:22After that, we'll send her to cleaning school.
32:32Sorry for saying that.
32:36But a lot of you did like it.
32:38So I wanted to cut that out of the special, but you liked it too much.
32:47She goes to a culinary school in Manhattan.
32:49It's called the Institute of Culinary Education.
32:53That's ice.
32:56It's an unbelievable time to be going to a school called ice.
33:00They like the name.
33:01They think it's good.
33:02It's on big letters on her backpack, ice.
33:06She catches a subway like that.
33:08She, uh, I'm like, I'm going to get a different one.
33:13If you want to go to culinary school in New York, the two options that you have is ice
33:18or the Culinary Institute of America, CIA.
33:24This is unbelievable.
33:26She's going to have to do a postgrad abroad.
33:29She's going to Al-Qaeda.
33:31It's a beautiful school.
33:35But it's good to be married.
33:37We're having a couple of arguments.
33:38That's healthy.
33:40That's beautiful.
33:43Our main source of argument at the moment is how we sort the laundry, you know,
33:47how we organize the clothes.
33:48Because I'm quite the simple guy.
33:51Simpleton, that kind of thing, you know.
33:53Our very simple system of organizing my laundry, it follows the human form.
33:58It goes top shelf tops, bottom shelf bottoms, middle shelf, obviously belts.
34:06But she has a much more complex system, you know.
34:08She's very intelligent.
34:10She tries to trick me.
34:11And she doesn't just have three categories.
34:14She's got subcategories.
34:16And some of the categories are subjective, you know.
34:19She's got a category called cute little tops.
34:23I'm like, how am I supposed to do that, you know?
34:26We're having big fights.
34:27I'm like, honey, I don't think that top's that cute.
34:34But it's taking me a long time to sort the laundry, you know.
34:37So I've been reading the tags.
34:40There's stuff in there.
34:41There's content, you know.
34:42I didn't know there was content.
34:44Everywhere you look, you can find content.
34:47That's really good.
34:48There's content on the tag.
34:50I was reading one of the shirts.
34:51And one of the tags, it said, I'm made of 100% recycled plastic bottles.
34:57I was shocked.
34:57I took the shirt up to it.
34:58I said, we're doing pretty well.
35:01I can get you something better, you know.
35:04Made of anything you want.
35:06Even new bottles.
35:07Like, we can do that.
35:11But that's not to say that I don't have crazy clothes of my own.
35:14I've got a set of pyjamas.
35:16That's tops and bottoms.
35:19Where's that going, you know?
35:22Can't go with the belts.
35:24But the pyjama at the top, it's a button down top, right?
35:27And that's more formal than I wear day to day.
35:31I imagine an outside observer looking in.
35:34They'd see me take off my t-shirt and putting on a button down.
35:39They'd be like, this guy is serious about sleep.
35:42And I'm like, let's hit those KPIs.
35:46But since we moved in together, we have new stuff.
35:49There's new stuff in the house.
35:51It's unbelievable.
35:52I didn't...
35:52The bathroom has more things.
35:56Before I got married, I had three liquids.
35:59You had the hand wash, toothpaste, and then three in one.
36:05And that would cover all realms of the body.
36:09But now we've got a lot of liquids.
36:11There's new sources.
36:14We've got a skincare regime now.
36:16And it is a regime.
36:17Very oppressive.
36:22It's daily.
36:23There's new liquids that I never heard of before.
36:27The other day, she said to me, can you pass the toner?
36:31And I was like, we don't have a printer.
36:32You know, like...
36:41But it's good, you know.
36:44You've got to put the effort in.
36:49That's really my advice.
36:50You do.
36:50I've been putting the effort in.
36:52I did the love language test.
36:55It's so important.
36:57It's one of the most important things you can do.
37:00And I did it.
37:02I did the love language test.
37:04It turns out my love language is not gift-giving.
37:07And it was my wife's birthday the other week.
37:10So what I did was I put my hand on her shoulder.
37:13And I said, good on you.
37:17That's words of affirmation and touch, you know.
37:21I got her two things.
37:24Really spoiled her.
37:26For quality time to two hours straight, we did it.
37:30It's good on you.
37:31Good on you, you know.
37:33No, she does like quality time.
37:35She loves it.
37:36She loves going to cultural events.
37:38Isn't that good?
37:41We went to the opera together.
37:43We went, I struggled, I must admit.
37:48She's like, why are you closing your eyes?
37:49I'm like, I'm really into it.
37:55But I think you were snoring.
37:57I was like, that was singing along.
38:01I love that bit.
38:06But you learn a lot from being married.
38:08You do.
38:09I have been learning a lot.
38:10Before I got married, I had the same pillow for 10 years.
38:15I didn't know you weren't allowed.
38:19I thought that was good.
38:20Like cost per use, that kind of thing, you know.
38:22By the time I was finished with it, it was wafer thin.
38:26It was a memory foam pillow, you know.
38:29Ran out of storage space.
38:31Well, I got married.
38:34I found out that you're not allowed to have one pillow for 10 years.
38:37It's disgusting.
38:39It's against God.
38:41You have to have four pillows all the time.
38:44Two of the pillows you use, and two of the pillows you put on the floor straight away.
38:51Every single night.
38:53You never use them, right?
38:54Your neck couldn't sustain that angle for the duration of the night.
38:59These are decorative pillows.
39:01What are they decorating?
39:03The other pillows.
39:06It's unbelievable.
39:07They're high quality pillows too.
39:09In my household, these pillows, they're the same as the main pillows.
39:14That's a lot of potential going wasted on the floor every night.
39:18They're like, put me on coach.
39:21I could change this up.
39:22They're waiting for the main pillows to get drooled out.
39:25And I am drooling.
39:27I hate to admit it, but I have to wear a mouth guard to go to sleep.
39:32Anyone do that?
39:34It's humiliating.
39:36It's horrible to admit.
39:40It's because back in the day, mouth guards, they were reserved for professional boxers and NFL players.
39:49But nowadays, my life's gotten so stressful that the act of going to sleep is the same as blunt force
39:56head trauma.
39:57Well, it's humiliating wearing this thing and so many oats get stuck in it.
40:09But it's good.
40:10But it's good.
40:11We've been traveling.
40:12We travel.
40:13We went to Mexico.
40:17What a beautiful place.
40:19Mexico City.
40:24There's a few attempted claps tonight.
40:30We went to Mexico City.
40:31We went to watch the Lucha Libre.
40:34You know about this?
40:35You don't have to start.
40:38We saw the Lucha Libre.
40:40Anyway, these guys, the Luchas, they wear the masks.
40:43You know, these guys, they wear the masks.
40:46If you don't know the Lucha, the most famous Lucha is called Jack Black.
40:53And we went to watch the Lucha Libre.
40:55The first match we watched, it was between a Lucha, the guy wearing the mask, and he was fighting a
41:00caveman.
41:02And everyone was booing the caveman.
41:04I didn't know what was going on, so I had to ask someone, I was like, what's happening?
41:07And he said that they like the Lucha more, because the Lucha's more traditional.
41:12But I would have thought that the caveman's more traditional.
41:16You know, that's one of the original guys.
41:19But if you thought that I was confused, my wife didn't know that wrestling was fake.
41:25So she thought that this was a real fight, and they were still choosing to backflip.
41:30You know, like, they thought that was a good use of their time.
41:34Um, her mind was, well, she took like 100 Instagram stories on the night, all with the captions like, wow,
41:41like, OMG.
41:42Like, it was the best night of both of our lives.
41:45It was unbelievable.
41:46At one point in the fight, a little person came into the ring, and he threw the referee out of
41:52the ring.
41:53And at that point, I thought, the jig is up.
41:58The jig was not up.
42:00She turns to me, she's like, is that allowed?
42:05I'm like, I don't know, it's a real perversion of justice, you know?
42:10We were walking home from the night, from the event, and we were both feeling very good.
42:15We were on cloud nine.
42:17But as we were walking, the pieces started to fall into place.
42:20And she started to get messages from back home from her friends.
42:23They're like, you do know that wrestling isn't real.
42:27And she was furious at me.
42:29She was like, why didn't you tell me that wrestling was fake?
42:32And I was like, I wouldn't know where to begin.
42:36Like, do you know that cavemen aren't around?
42:38Like, we...
42:42We don't have that anymore.
42:45Um, dude, this is a beautiful crowd.
42:48What a beautiful crowd.
42:49This is amazing.
42:50What a night, huh?
42:52Any of you come to this show because you know me from Fisk?
42:57A few Fisk heads.
42:58If you don't know what Fisk is, it's kind of a legal comedy.
43:02It's created by the Australian government.
43:05And, um, I think it's a psy-op.
43:08I, uh...
43:10No, it's, uh, it changed my life.
43:13Because, uh, before I did Fisk, I was, uh,
43:15I was just doing stand-up comedy, you know?
43:17And I always looked like this.
43:20This is all I had to offer.
43:22Um, and I would go on, uh, YouTube and Instagram to see the demographics.
43:26Like, who was, who was watching the stuff.
43:28And it was always 90% male, 25 to 34.
43:33Anyone fit that demographic?
43:37This is not a good demographic.
43:39A lot of incels.
43:43Um, these guys, they don't come out to the show.
43:46They're, they're busy planning something.
43:48Uh, I, I don't know what I am.
43:52But it was a very dark path I was going down.
43:54It couldn't continue that way.
43:56But then God intervened.
43:59He sent the prophet, Kitty Flanagan.
44:02And she cast me in this show, Fisk.
44:04Overnight, the demographic changed.
44:06Women, 45 to 54.
44:11What a beautiful sound.
44:13This is...
44:15Overnight, these angels descended into my shows.
44:18These beautiful white angels.
44:24They love coming to the shows.
44:26They, um, but that's why I had to leave Australia.
44:29I had to get away from all these mamas.
44:31But I, uh, all right, that's my time.
44:33Thank you very much, Neil.
44:38Thank you very much, Neil.
45:09Thank you very much.
45:10Bye.
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