- 6 hours ago
The Miniature Wife S01E09 [Full Movie] [Vertical Drama]Full EP - Full
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, God.
00:01I know.
00:02Okay.
00:05She said yes.
00:05Yes?
00:06Yes!
00:06She said yes!
00:07Yes!
00:08She said yes!
00:13Congratulations!
00:14You're getting married.
00:15Good luck.
00:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:16She wrote a novel.
00:17And it's getting published!
00:19Nobody cares.
00:19It's New York.
00:20So we got cats.
00:21I love this city.
00:23Married.
00:24Oh.
00:24Why would we ever ruin us by getting married?
00:27I know.
00:28It's ridiculous.
00:28I mean, we live together.
00:29We love each other.
00:30What more do we need?
00:31I mean, it's silly.
00:32Silly.
00:33Right.
00:34Lindy, will you not be my wife?
00:36Les, I will not.
00:38And will I not be your husband?
00:41You will not, Les!
00:42And will you...
00:44What?
00:48What is this?
00:49Watch this.
00:51Uh-huh.
00:52Whoa, some fast fingers there, mister.
00:54Uh-huh.
00:57Not marry me?
01:00Absolutely not.
01:01Never, ever.
01:06What the fuck is happening?
01:09Well, I thought we could maybe make it not official.
01:14Are we not doing this?
01:17Or are we not not doing this?
01:19I don't know.
01:21I mean, we always said we wouldn't do the icky marriage stuff, but...
01:25What?
01:26But maybe...
01:27Maybe two notes make it yes.
01:30We've sworn for years that we were never, ever...
01:35I know, I know.
01:36But maybe the really defiant, non-conformist, rebellious thing would be for us to...
01:43Get fucking married.
01:44Yeah.
01:46But...
01:46But, like a non-traditional, non-bridezilla, non-wedding wedding.
01:51Yeah.
01:53We'll stroll...
01:54Yeah.
01:57Where first...
02:00A kiss we stole...
02:05Perfect.
02:08I cannot believe that you did all this.
02:11Alice!
02:12Right here, ma'am.
02:13Oh.
02:13There you are.
02:14Always, ma'am.
02:15Let's put this someplace safe.
02:16Under lock and key.
02:18Nothing can happen to them.
02:19Check.
02:20Next.
02:20Flowers.
02:21After the ceremony.
02:22Transfer to the tables.
02:23Low-stemmed, vases only.
02:25To review.
02:25Rehearsal, dinner, rundown.
02:26Drinks and hors d'oeuvres on arrival.
02:28Bride and groom, welcome speech.
02:30Appetizers and various toasts.
02:32You have the approved list?
02:33Yes, ma'am.
02:33Okay.
02:34Dessert.
02:34Done.
02:35Everybody fucks off.
02:36I get my sleep.
02:37We good?
02:37Good.
02:38Good.
02:38Wait, just good?
02:39Great.
02:40Great.
02:41Oh, one more thing.
02:43Videographer.
02:44So very important.
02:45One question only.
02:46What is it?
02:46What is the secret to a happy marriage?
02:48What do I not want?
02:49Advice, remember when, well wishes.
02:51Gold fucking star.
02:52Excuse me.
02:53Kevin, classic rectangle, not Bishop's hat.
02:56Oh, good catch.
02:57Jesus.
02:58Alice, font spelling placement.
03:01Placement.
03:02My dad cannot sit next to my mom.
03:06We were informed that a Walt was assuming the father of the bride responsibilities by Diane,
03:12mother of the bride.
03:13That is incorrect.
03:14We need to start again.
03:15Kevin.
03:15Kevin, we need to begin again.
03:16Hold on.
03:17What are you doing?
03:18I am preventing a nuclear fallout.
03:21She always does this.
03:22Who?
03:22Diane.
03:23Does what?
03:24Pushes my dad out.
03:25But he's coming, right?
03:26Right.
03:26So we need to seat Jim, father of the bride, next to Nancy.
03:32Nancy, mother of the groom from a normal, stable, functional family and not my house of lies madness, sadness family.
03:42Okay, Kevin?
03:43Okay, Kevin?
03:44Champagne or cocktails before dinner?
03:46Cocktails.
03:46Thank you, Alice.
03:47What?
03:48Champ-
03:48No.
03:49Champagne.
03:50Champagne.
03:51Champagne.
03:51Thank you, Alice.
03:52Diane and cocktails.
03:54No food, no absorption.
03:55We talked about this.
03:56She can-
03:57Whoa, whoa.
03:57Let's take a breath.
03:58We're losing sight.
03:59We're losing sight.
04:01Thank you for using we.
04:03Yeah.
04:03Oh, my God.
04:04We hate-
04:04What does that mean?
04:05We hate this.
04:06Right.
04:07Right.
04:07Oh, my God.
04:08We do not want this, and that's why it's fun, okay?
04:12Everything that goes bad is good, because it makes for a better story.
04:15Our not-wedding wedding, for our not-marriage marriage, it's all nots, okay?
04:21Rebels of the altar, it's just us.
04:24Right.
04:24It's you and me.
04:25You and me.
04:26You and me.
04:26Okay.
04:27Okay?
04:28Yeah, okay.
04:30But, like, what if I lose control?
04:33Yeah, what if you lose control?
04:33Because I'm really on the edge.
04:35I think that perhaps we need a safe word.
04:38That'd be good.
04:38Yeah.
04:39Okay.
04:39Like, um...
04:41Um...
04:43Uh...
04:43Uh...
04:43I know.
04:44Like, like, um...
04:45Halloween, 1999.
04:47Oh, yeah.
04:47In the sea of Bill Clintons and Monica Lewinsky's.
04:50And Linda Trips.
04:51There were only two...
04:52Janet Reno's.
04:54Yeah.
04:54Oh, Janet Reno.
04:56Safe word.
04:56I love it.
04:57I love you.
04:58I fucking love you.
04:59Okay.
05:02Okay, but that flower is not in the center.
05:04Hey, hey, hey.
05:04Come on.
05:05Okay, I'm gonna...
05:05Come on.
05:06I'm gonna let it go.
05:06Come on.
05:06Countdown guests arrival.
05:08T-minus 25 minutes.
05:1025.
05:11I did.
05:11I did.
05:12Yeah, yeah.
05:12Hey, hey.
05:13Hey, hey.
05:14How are you?
05:14How are you?
05:16Congratulations.
05:17Oh, sweet Redeemer.
05:22Am I the first?
05:23Always.
05:25Where's, uh...
05:25Is it Dana?
05:27Dana and I are exploring our options in a good way.
05:31Cool.
05:31Okay.
05:32I need you in the kitchen.
05:33Uh, I'm greeting guests.
05:34I'm supposed to be here.
05:37What?
05:42Okay.
05:44It's nothing.
05:45Okay.
05:45Nothing.
05:46Is everything okay?
05:46Yeah.
05:47Good.
05:48Um, so?
05:49Well...
05:49Dana felt that she needed something about this.
05:51Oh, oh, oh.
05:52You know what?
05:52Let's not talk to me.
05:53Oh, they passed.
05:55They fucking passed.
05:56What?
05:57These assholes.
05:58They've got no vision.
06:00They've got no fucking balls.
06:02Hey, hey.
06:02Well, get there.
06:02Okay?
06:03I know a guy at Monsanto.
06:04Kill me if we end up at Monsanto.
06:07Hey.
06:08Hi.
06:08Hey.
06:08So how was your nothing?
06:10It's fine.
06:11Yes, it'll be fine.
06:12Good.
06:12How was everything?
06:13Everything fine?
06:14Fine, fine, fine.
06:15Good.
06:15Oh, they passed.
06:17No, no, no.
06:17It's Dana.
06:18We're hoping she'll come through, right?
06:20Oh.
06:21Oh, hey.
06:22You know, I'll be at the bar.
06:23Okay.
06:26Diane!
06:27Walt!
06:28Walt needs to use the restroom.
06:30The signage here lacking.
06:32Uh, down the hall.
06:34First left.
06:34On the left.
06:35Left?
06:35Right.
06:36No, left.
06:37Okay.
06:38Right.
06:40Good luck.
06:43Okay.
06:45Snub.
06:46No, did.
06:48Les, has he cancelled yet?
06:49Who?
06:49Jim.
06:50Uh, no, no, no.
06:51He's confirmed.
06:52Who said?
06:53Lindy said.
06:53No, he's not coming.
06:55You need to prepare.
06:56Prepare for what?
06:57Heartbreak, drama, tears.
06:59Walt will walk Lindy down the aisle.
07:00I think Lindy wanted to come out.
07:02It's handled.
07:02Walt will step in for Jim.
07:04Crisis averted.
07:05Less drama.
07:06Fewer tears.
07:17Three years.
07:20Ready?
07:21And what is the secret to a happy marriage?
07:25There is no secret, Walt.
07:28Nope.
07:29And happy, unsustainable.
07:32Enough said.
07:32But I will say, I know it's fashionable these days for everyone to express every single
07:38feeling at every single moment.
07:41But as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good.
07:46And marriage, Walt, be nice.
07:52And if you can't be nice, be silent, Walt.
08:08Why the fuck are you still doing this?
08:10Terry!
08:11Why are we doing marriage?
08:13Hey, hey.
08:15Hi.
08:16Hi, hi.
08:16Be nice.
08:17Okay.
08:18I do have the greatest wedding present ever.
08:21Open it now.
08:23No.
08:23We're doing gifts right after the moment.
08:25Okay.
08:25Is this what I think it is?
08:28I have a ton of work to do.
08:29Oh.
08:30No, we don't.
08:30Stop.
08:30It can't wait.
08:33It has to wait.
08:34I mean, I have to be here.
08:36Well, you want to be here.
08:38Yes, I want to be here.
08:39You have to be here.
08:40All right, Stepford.
08:41I want to be here.
08:42It's my wedding.
08:43We agreed that we wouldn't do any work on the wedding.
08:45Wait.
08:45Does your book go to print Monday to Marta Head?
08:47What?
08:48You told her about the tomato?
08:50Was it a secret?
08:51Yeah.
08:51Oh.
08:52We don't have any secrets.
08:53Get used to it, Leslie.
08:54You can get out.
08:54You have no right to call me Leslie.
08:56Is it not your name?
08:57You have no emotional right.
08:58Okay.
08:58Hey, hey, hey.
08:59Hey, look who's here.
09:00Your mom and dad.
09:01Oh.
09:04Honey.
09:05Mom and dad, I'm here.
09:05I'm right behind you.
09:06I'm right behind you.
09:09Mom and dad, how sweet.
09:11Yeah, I am going all fucking in on this new normal family.
09:14There is no normal.
09:15Do you want your book and parts and I go home?
09:16Yeah, of course I do.
09:17Take a drink.
09:18We're getting burps from France and getting burps with all the tarts.
09:21She doesn't blurb.
09:22Here you are worrying about the fucking canapes.
09:24Oh, my God.
09:26What happened to our pact?
09:28Terry.
09:29We marry our careers.
09:30We breed success.
09:31Only we date and dump.
09:34No marriage.
09:35No traditional gender roles.
09:36No Midwesterners.
09:37No Cowboys.
09:37New Yorkers.
09:38Need only apply.
09:40We were young.
09:40And we were not serious.
09:42We were deadly serious.
09:43Yeah, but that was when I didn't think it was ever going to have actual love in my life.
09:49I will throw myself off the roof of this hotel.
09:51Is it the wedding you're mad about?
09:54Or is it less?
09:55Fine.
09:56I don't like either.
09:56But my concern is less about Les and more about you moving to the fucking suburbs and being unable to
10:02write.
10:02I am not moving to the suburbs, Les, as a woman, either.
10:05I will never not write, and I don't vacuum, so I will be me.
10:09Now I know I'm fucked.
10:11It's a wedding.
10:12It's not a death sentence.
10:13They're one and the same.
10:17Yeah, I think it's a little dark.
10:18How was the journey down?
10:19How was the drive down?
10:21Oh, long, long, long, late, grandpa.
10:24Oh, no.
10:24Mom, it is.
10:25Did I get you anything?
10:26Like ice or aspirin?
10:28I'm not crying about it.
10:29A little god damn!
10:32Hey, where can we get a real drink of this tub?
10:37Lindy looking hot.
10:38Oh, okay, Sam.
10:39Well, your wife's right there.
10:41Okay.
10:42Congrats, bro.
10:43Thanks, buddy.
10:45Jesus, watch the village rules, sir.
10:49Mommy's not going to come to your defense anymore, Lesley.
10:52And that's Lindy's job now.
10:54Yeah, well, I'm going to...
10:57Okay, guys, give it a good ride, you know?
10:59Yeah, give it a stick.
11:01Great to see you.
11:04Do you need ice or anything?
11:06Are you going to throw up?
11:11All right, here we go.
11:18Welcome, everyone.
11:19Welcome.
11:20We can't tell you how honored we are to have you all here.
11:24Yeah, as many of you know that Les and I never planned to do any of this.
11:30Nope.
11:30Nope, not at all.
11:30No way.
11:32But I did know, I did know, I will tell you this, that I did know that when the first
11:36moment that I met her, something inside me changed.
11:41And I knew that I wanted to, I wanted her in my life forever.
11:46And ever.
11:46And ever.
11:47Yes.
11:50Well, alcohol and a second Halloween costume will do that to you.
11:54That's not me.
11:56I will say that our first date got off to a bit of a rocky start, though, because I had
12:01asked her to the classiest restaurant that my grad student's stipend would allow, the
12:06Olive Garden.
12:07Oh.
12:08I was so scared, anticipating Lindy's arrival.
12:12I was sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting, until it became obvious to me and to the entire
12:19restaurant that she wasn't coming.
12:20And she had stood me up at the Olive Garden.
12:25And finally, a waiter came over and asked if there was anything else I needed.
12:29My dignity, my pride, maybe.
12:31And I was about to ask for the check when a voice rang out.
12:36Your finest house read, unlimited breadsticks and an apology for the sad, sexy sack at table
12:43night.
12:43I'm glad I waited.
12:44I'm sorry.
12:45Those breadsticks were really good.
12:49To you, and to me, and to forever.
12:57To all of those things, and to you, to you for making the trip.
13:02We really, we love you all so much.
13:04Let's eat.
13:05Yes.
13:09Lovely speech.
13:10Thank you both.
13:12Oh, cute, right?
13:16I don't know.
13:22Attention, we're having a small issue in the kitchen, a tiny delay with dinner.
13:28So we're bringing cocktails for everyone to enjoy in the interim.
13:31Great.
13:32No, no, no, no.
13:33We hate this.
13:35More cocktails?
13:37You know how many cocktails are you?
13:38This is a recipe for disaster.
13:40I hate this.
13:41Gasoline.
13:42Match is lit.
13:43A match is lit.
13:47That's what it is, isn't it?
13:49Ah, ah, ah, ah.
13:51Ah.
13:55Keeping romance alive?
13:58Less is a hopeless romantic at heart.
14:02Do you remember those sweet poems he used to, he used to write when he was little, dear?
14:07Mm-hmm.
14:07He would, he would put them on our pillow every night before he went to sleep.
14:11I'd be good on that one.
14:14I, I remember, um, twinkle, twinkle, little me, how I wonder what I'll be.
14:19They get it, they get it.
14:28Right, a groom.
14:30Lindy, best friend.
14:31Oh, yeah, less is my best friend.
14:34How come our paths have never crossed?
14:36I don't like him.
14:37I mean, do you?
14:39I never thought about it.
14:41No, you didn't say yes.
14:42Oh, well, you caught me off guard.
14:44Well, isn't, doesn't best friend imply yes?
14:47Not always.
14:49I get the impression you don't want to be here.
14:52Oh, Lindy wants me here, so I'm here.
14:55You here with the last one?
14:58Why, no.
15:00Where's your date?
15:02It's complicated.
15:04Complicated leads to one of this.
15:06You're very direct.
15:08You like him?
15:09I don't know if I do.
15:11You will.
15:13I don't know if I will.
15:15Just wait.
15:19So you ready for the show?
15:21Oh, yes, Gary.
15:22When do you think the show will start?
15:23Which show?
15:24Wait, is this your first McMichael event?
15:25Have you never been to a McMichael event?
15:27Yeah, I...
15:28No.
15:28What?
15:29Things are going to get nuts.
15:30Oh, we guarantee it.
15:32Nuts.
15:32I've heard of blood.
15:34Yes, blood.
15:37What kind of blood?
15:38What?
15:39Look at me.
15:41Tell me.
15:43Is this what you really want?
15:48Terry.
15:49Ha.
15:49You didn't say yes.
15:51Are you working at your wedding?
15:53My book goes to print Monday.
15:55Hi.
15:56Welcome.
15:57How many is that?
16:00I told Les.
16:02Walt will walk you down the aisle.
16:04Dad will.
16:06Optimism is naive, and not you.
16:08You have been perfectly cast as negativity type cost.
16:11Hi, Dan.
16:12You're not helping.
16:13Hi, Terry.
16:14Need I remind you how many times your father was a no-show?
16:17Pick an event.
16:18Mom, your grievances are not my grievances.
16:21I was the one left to pick up the pieces.
16:23You mean kick the pieces and say I told you so.
16:29If you don't want to follow in your father's footsteps,
16:31you should be over there with your husband-to-be.
16:34That is your duty as wife-to-be.
16:36Hey, don't mess this up, too.
16:44Mother of Ice.
16:46What an accent.
16:48Duty?
16:49Well, you are a wife-to-be.
16:51Oh, is that the book?
16:53Yeah.
16:54Am I in it?
16:55No one's in it.
16:56It's fiction.
16:57I cannot believe that you are getting married
17:00when you always said you never wanted to.
17:03And I always wanted to.
17:04But I could never find the one.
17:06Not that there is, like, a one.
17:08But I found him.
17:10Oh!
17:10Tim, this is my...
17:13Has anyone seen Tim?
17:15Um, Aaron.
17:17Is that him?
17:19Oh, God.
17:20Uh, yeah.
17:21Isn't he great?
17:23I'll be right back.
17:24I dare you.
17:25Bye.
17:27I don't know what love is.
17:29I don't know.
17:30None of us do, but they know.
17:32They know.
17:32Last time I spoke to this many people,
17:34it was little lodge at the Ford Taurus
17:36that some of you probably know I designed.
17:38Sorry, I'm going to bring this down to human height.
17:41I've known you a long time.
17:43Long time.
17:44Remember?
17:45Yeah.
17:46I agree.
17:47Oh, this, um, is Les's favorite song when he was little.
17:50You'll remember it, Les.
17:52I used to play the lady.
17:53Oh, low, bench, oh, low.
17:54And red, let's hit.
17:55Oh, long, my needly, little, little.
17:56But honestly, when I first saw you two together,
17:58I was like, mm-mm, no way.
18:00Never going to happen.
18:00It's never going to happen.
18:02We're so happy for you.
18:03So happy for you.
18:06To my much older sister who found the one so easily.
18:11Because, of course.
18:12Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, you are, you are hot.
18:18I'm not allowed the streetlings are meddling.
18:19They're so long-eyes seedling for you.
18:23Anyway, I'm hopeful, you know, I have my Tim.
18:28We should ask them what love is.
18:30Right?
18:31Oh, junk.
18:35Has anyone seen Tim?
18:37This is so long, I seedling for you.
18:43Love.
18:45It's a beautiful thing.
18:52Where the fuck is the food?
18:53Minutes away, ma'am.
18:54I mean, miss.
18:55Alice, you said that five minutes ago.
18:57No, I know, it's.
19:01Daddy.
19:01You know, Lindy was born on my birthday.
19:04Stealing my thunder from day one.
19:07From the moment my baby girl breathed air, she screamed.
19:11And not just been born screaming, no.
19:13This one.
19:14This one had something to say.
19:16And I thought, holy shit.
19:18Now I got two women screaming at me.
19:21Hi, Diane.
19:24Then, I held her in my arms.
19:27And she suddenly stopped screaming.
19:29Silence.
19:30And the nurse said she'd never seen anything like it.
19:32She said, you two belong together.
19:36Like peas and carrots.
19:38I was in Milwaukee the day she was born.
19:41And to see her now, young, in love, getting married, bright futures ahead of you, makes a man feel a
19:51little bit giddy just sharing the air with you.
19:54As long as there's no screaming.
19:57You know, when you've got kids, you see a little bit of you in them.
20:04And when they find someone who loves them, it's like that little piece of you is getting that love too.
20:15Makes this old man feel very proud.
20:23Congratulations to you both.
20:24I couldn't be happier.
20:26Hey, you're the peas and carrots now.
20:37At least it didn't regale us for the so-called baseball career.
20:48I'm so happy you're here.
20:50Gotta have some of my routine, kiddo.
20:53Daddy.
20:55This is less.
20:56Mr. McMichael, an honor, sir.
20:58Jim, never serve.
21:01And the honor is mine.
21:02But there's an obligation I have as a father.
21:05And that is that if you break her heart, I will break your son.
21:11I'm kidding.
21:13Clear, direct, threatening, with warmth and jest.
21:17I can see where Lindy gets him.
21:21Diane.
21:23Jim.
21:24Walt.
21:25Jim.
21:26Les.
21:26Oh, Kevin.
21:28Mom.
21:29Lindy.
21:34So how about that book of hers?
21:37You read it?
21:38It's incredible.
21:39You're a big talent, Lindy.
21:41Dad.
21:41Ship off the old block.
21:43And boy, did you get the Diane character down to a T.
21:46Dad.
21:46That kept me looking over my shoulder, kiddo.
21:48I'm in it.
21:49No, nobody's in it.
21:50It's fiction.
21:51I'm a character in your book, and you managed to send him an advance copy to address unknown, but not
21:56me.
21:57Mom.
21:58Walt.
22:00Diane.
22:01Mom.
22:03Kevin!
22:08Leslie, show Dad what you were showing.
22:10Oh, no, no.
22:11It's early days.
22:12Show him.
22:12It's extraordinary, Frank.
22:14Yeah, call me.
22:15Come on.
22:16Yeah.
22:16Dave, you're sure.
22:17Food's not here.
22:18See, it's the perfect time, Gondi.
22:20Okay.
22:21Well, Dad, I'm on the brink of inventing the GMO tomato.
22:30So the genetically modified tomato really has the potential to change agriculture as we know it.
22:35And Monsanto is interested.
22:38Hasn't the tomato already been invented?
22:39Yeah, but this is a new kind of, this is a different kind of tomato.
22:42You love tomatoes, Frank.
22:43I do love tomatoes in the sandwich.
22:47Does it look like a tomato?
22:50Yeah, but it's genetically modified.
22:52And it tastes like a tomato?
22:53Yes, but...
22:54Yeah.
22:55It's a tomato.
22:56It is.
22:57Yes.
22:57Nice.
23:01See, he's impressed.
23:14Uh, bullshit to marriage, bullshit to happy.
23:16Do you want to know what genre I file romance under?
23:18Fantasy.
23:19And as for Lindy and the Nutty Professor?
23:20Science fiction.
23:22I'm just waiting for the day my phone rings and she's accidentally got two heads.
23:26Attention, distinguished guests.
23:29The food is on its way.
23:31Please return to your seats in a timely manner and we'll...
23:34Chapter 9.
23:37Mother of Ice.
23:39Oh, fuck.
23:40My mother was not kind or warm.
23:43Walt, go stop her.
23:45Do something.
23:45I'm no hero.
23:47Okay, alright, everybody take your seat, sit down, don't worry, everybody, mom.
23:51Her feelings frozen into harsh, jagged edges, ready to impale anyone who got to...
23:57Stop it.
23:57You're ruining mom.
23:58What the fuck are you doing?
23:59You're ruining my wedding.
24:00Diana, would you like some coffee?
24:02Where's, uh, Kevin?
24:03As soon as...
24:03Kevin?
24:04I'm...
24:05As soon as...
24:05Kevin!
24:06Kevin!
24:07Temperature dropped.
24:08The air's hot.
24:09The temperature dropped.
24:10Kevin!
24:11We need coffee!
24:12Let's just...
24:13Can I unplug this?
24:14I'm just gonna plug my dog mom.
24:15It's a great idea.
24:16Scorned my mother's love.
24:17Unplug it.
24:18What are you doing?
24:19Hell hath no fury like a repressed middle-aged mother scorned my mother's love conditional.
24:26It had to be earned.
24:27Had to be controlled.
24:28It had to be earned.
24:31I'm burning.
24:32He's fine.
24:33He's fine.
24:33He's not burning.
24:34My mother was not one to forget or forgive.
24:38Stop!
24:39We're getting out of here.
24:41Walt!
24:41Stop!
24:42Jesus!
24:43Fuck, Diane!
24:44Fuck!
24:45The knife!
24:45That's off!
24:46Put the knife down!
24:47Oh!
24:48Oh!
24:50Oh!
24:50Put the knife down!
24:51Put the knife down!
24:51Put the knife down!
24:51I'm going to stop!
24:52I'm going to want to hear it completely out!
24:54I'm going to pull it out!
24:55No!
24:55Don't pull it out!
24:57I don't think you can have any sign with me!
24:58I really don't think you can have any sign with me!
25:00Two!
25:01One!
25:02Oh!
25:04Everybody's getting stabbed!
25:06Oh!
25:06Let's get you out of here, dear!
25:08I'm going to pull it out of here!
25:08Oh!
25:14Walter, could you restrain your fucking wife?
25:16What?
25:16Don't tell me what to do!
25:18Come on!
25:18Walk there!
25:19Stop getting into it!
25:20No, no, no, no!
25:20Come on!
25:21I fucking want to know about that!
25:23Jimmy!
25:25Jimmy!
25:26Jimmy!
25:29Holy gracious, Savior, you called it!
25:31Double stabbing!
25:32Should have put money on it.
25:34Marriage.
25:34Lots of words.
25:35Will everybody please sit down and enjoy the fucking tuna tartar?
25:46Uh, what happened exactly?
25:51Rehearsal dinner.
25:54Got it.
25:56By the way, I liked your speech a lot.
26:01By the way, I liked your face.
26:06I liked it.
26:08My room, let's go.
26:09Now.
26:11Bless this shepherd.
26:13I should probably introduce myself.
26:16I...
26:16Oh.
26:19What's the secret to a happy marriage?
26:22Being in sync.
26:23Being in sync.
26:27What a shit show!
26:31Oh, my God.
26:33My family.
26:35Always with the drama.
26:36I mean, I only wanted to get married to join your normal family.
26:39It's like an escape from the madness of my own.
26:43Only.
26:47Only.
26:51Bless.
26:53You only wanted to get married to join my normal family.
26:57Do you have any idea how small that makes me feel?
27:03Oh, hey.
27:06Nothing's changed.
27:08And I love you.
27:10Not enough to not work.
27:13But I rehearsed a dinner, right?
27:15Maybe I could...
27:16Maybe I could still feel my thigh.
27:19What happened to everything that goes bad is good?
27:23Makes for a better story.
27:24We're not even doing this for real.
27:27Are we?
27:28I don't know.
27:28Are we?
27:30What's happening?
27:32Is this maybe the drug's talking?
27:35Uh, maybe.
27:37Maybe.
27:37Maybe not.
27:39My God, where are you going?
27:40Going to my room.
27:42God bless.
27:43Let's just fuck that traditional wedding superstition stuff.
27:46You want to fuck the wedding?
27:49That is not what I just said.
27:51But that's what you meant.
27:52No.
27:53Wait.
27:54What's this?
27:56I...
27:57I...
27:57I...
27:58That's your vow?
28:00Let's do this thing?
28:01Come on.
28:02I...
28:02That?
28:03That's...
28:03I...
28:03I'm...
28:04Tomorrow.
28:04I'm gonna...
28:04I want to be...
28:05I got it.
28:06It really is a fucking wedding.
28:07I understand.
28:09Hang on.
28:09Where...
28:09Where...
28:10Wait.
28:13Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
28:15Am I gonna see you tomorrow?
28:31Hey.
28:33Hey.
28:35Cold feet?
28:36Maybe.
28:39Drink?
28:40Yeah.
28:41You all right?
28:47I'm sorry about your arm.
28:50I've been waiting 20 years to stab me with something.
28:53It's okay.
28:56I think this wedding was a mistake.
29:00The wedding or the marriage?
29:04Gotta say, I never thought I'd see my little firecracker settle down.
29:09But you like less, right?
29:12You chose dependable over exciting.
29:15Is that bad?
29:16We don't do dependable.
29:18Me and you.
29:21Hmm.
29:23I wanted normal.
29:26Never had normal.
29:31Well...
29:32Not normal fueled your talent.
29:36Hell, you wrote a fantastic book because of it.
29:40Normal can kill a creative spark.
29:44That's why I can't write my vows, maybe.
29:47Could be.
29:48I should know.
29:51Before I met Diane, I was a lock for the majors.
29:55You know the story.
29:56Yep.
29:57Yeah, you got married, and then the armoire.
29:59The armoire, the dresser thing she wanted upstairs.
30:02Had to have it upstairs.
30:03And then tore a ligament.
30:05And how was that?
30:07My baseball career.
30:08You really think you would have been a baseball star if you hadn't married mom?
30:13Hmm.
30:16After we divorced, I started playing down in the Mexican Pacific League.
30:19Everyone thought I was washed up.
30:21Coach was forced to sign me, so he benched me game after game.
30:25And one day, their star player got injured, and the coach had no choice but to send me into that.
30:33First pitch, swing and a miss.
30:35Second pitch, another whiff.
30:38If I blow it, I'm done.
30:40I think a pitch, I hit that goddamn ball so hard it smashes out the stadium lights.
30:44It's sparks flying onto the field.
30:46Crowd goes wild, and I knew.
30:49I mean, I remembered in that moment.
30:52For great talent to thrive, you gotta put you first.
30:58You hear me, kiddo?
31:01Yeah.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Yeah.
31:04I'll have the car running tomorrow morning if you want to make a run for it.
31:09You both know this isn't you.
31:11He's in carrots.
31:14I'll drive back.
31:15I ain't gonna see a man about a horse.
31:23Um, you do know that was the plot of The Natural, right?
31:27Oh, yeah, Kevin.
31:29I know.
32:04Are you crying?
32:05No.
32:07You're smoking?
32:08No.
32:11Is it because I stabbed you?
32:13No.
32:14Is it because you stabbed me?
32:17Yes.
32:21What did she say?
32:22Or what did she do?
32:25She was so, uh, excited.
32:30Right.
32:33Fear cloaked in excitement.
32:36And now she wants to run.
32:39Well, she didn't say that.
32:41She didn't have to.
32:43Linda is like Jim, but she's more like me than she realizes.
32:47The more she loves someone, the more she fears they will run.
32:52We have the endlessly charming Jim to thank for that.
32:56Say what you will about me, but I stuck around.
32:59I know I am not easy or charming.
33:04And contrary to popular belief, I am not a monster.
33:09After Jim left,
33:13my heart broke.
33:16Yes, mother of ice has a heart.
33:20I vowed I'd never marry again.
33:24Then I met Walt.
33:26He's a good one.
33:27I may be the only one who sees that.
33:29But everyone else can fuck right off.
33:32Now you, Liss.
33:36You are one of the good ones, too.
33:42And Lindy knows it.
33:44And that's why she's trying so hard not to run.
33:54This conversation never happened.
33:57Diane, thank you.
33:59Not bad for an emotional icicle.
34:21Fuck.
34:48Oh, daddy.
34:51Dennis Reno!
34:58Got it, Reno!
35:07Santa Reno!
35:10Oh, you're my house.
35:12Let's do this thing.
35:22You took my fucking bullhorn!
35:25Kevin!
35:33What happened up here?
35:36This is not us.
35:37It's not us.
35:41But it isn't you.
35:45Be honest.
35:52Yeah.
35:53I wanted to get married to you.
35:59And I wanted a wedding.
36:04I did.
36:06But you, um...
36:07Did you?
36:08No.
36:12So why did you say yes?
36:14Because I didn't want to lose you.
36:16Or my family.
36:17But you see why now, right?
36:23I just wanted...
36:25Was longing for some sense of...
36:29Normal.
36:31Yeah.
36:31I said I'd do what I had always said I wouldn't do.
36:37Because I didn't want you to go.
36:39Go?
36:41I am an overly educated, uh, science nerd nobody with one dumb idea no one gives a shit about.
36:52You are brilliant and you're going to change the world.
36:56I truly believe you will.
36:59And I can't wrap my head around why you want to stay with a dumb-dumb like me.
37:07When you tell me I can change the world that I know in.
37:12But there is nothing I want more than to be with a dumb-dumb like you.
37:16Or...
37:18Fuck the paperwork.
37:19But you want the paperwork.
37:20You don't.
37:21You don't.
37:22So fuck it.
37:26But you saying fuck it really makes me fucking happy.
37:30I fucking love you.
37:33I fucking love you.
37:40Now I just want to un-fuck it and just get married.
37:46What?
37:46Fuck it for real?
37:48For us.
37:49Like our...
37:50Our thing.
37:51Our...
37:52Our normal.
37:53Our version.
37:54And...
37:55And no drama.
37:56Yes.
37:57No violence.
37:57No police.
37:58No family.
37:59No.
38:04And I know a perfect place.
38:08The Coriamos.
38:10Yes.
38:24The secret.
38:27Not having a wedding.
38:30Having two.
38:32Diane.
38:33Don't make me come over there.
38:39I, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, do not take you, Les Littlejohn, to be my wedded husband.
38:52Not?
38:53Never.
38:54Never.
38:55Ever.
38:55You are signing the papers, yes?
38:56Yes.
38:57Yeah.
38:57OK.
38:59Well, I now pronounce you not husband and wife.
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